0:00

What galaxy are we in every room

0:02

I walk in this house? There's some like weird

0:04

26 year old guy on a computer just going

0:06

like, editing. Editing, what? You

0:09

guys all working? Yeah, we work for

0:11

Burt doing this one. How's that one

0:13

doing? Really big numbers. What the, every

0:15

cabinet is full of products? What

0:18

galaxy is this, man? What company

0:20

sent you all those hats? Cheers.

0:28

Hey guys, brand new episode of Two Bears One

0:31

Cave, and I am with fucking talent, finally, real

0:33

talent. Tommy's not here, he's working on

0:35

a movie, I don't know, do you think, have you

0:37

ever seen Tom act? No. Not

0:39

a lot of people have. You know Mark Wahlberg

0:42

hasn't seen him act, and he was in a movie with him.

0:44

Amazing. Tom

0:46

and I sold a movie, Tom and I sold a movie.

0:51

And we then lost all the weight. He

0:55

sold a movie called Fat Astronauts, and then we

0:57

both lost weight. And the other

0:59

ones, when I came way back. Not

1:01

committed to the project, huh? Fuck

1:04

that. I'd rather live and see

1:06

my kids get married. Oh

1:08

fuck, oh my god. The old world.

1:11

Jake Johnson, everybody. Jake Johnson. Let me,

1:13

can I get real quick? Because sometimes

1:15

I feel like, I feel like

1:18

new fans may not recognize

1:20

your face, but don't, they go, how do I fucking know that

1:22

guy? You're in one of my favorite

1:25

trailers and movies I've ever seen, Let's

1:27

Be Cops. That's one of

1:29

my favorite, you and Damon Wayans. We're gonna try to call

1:32

him today on FaceTime. How fun. Because I need a black

1:34

guy to answer a question for me. Great. We,

1:37

you were in The New Girl, you made

1:39

out with Doi Deschanel. I don't think, I

1:41

don't think our fans are

1:43

huge Zoe fans. I think they are on the

1:45

surface, but they probably don't want to hear like

1:47

gossip stories about Zoe. They probably didn't watch New

1:50

Girl. You don't think so? No. Well, I

1:52

think, oh, it depends how old your fan base

1:54

is. The younger guys have. Yeah. Guys

1:56

my age haven't, my whole experience of that

1:58

show was. men on

2:00

the street needing to tell me that

2:02

they know me, but they don't like my

2:04

show. And me being like,

2:06

pretty cool bro. Like it was

2:09

a lot of this. What's up man, how you doing? You

2:11

that guy, huh? And I go, yeah, and they go, I

2:13

don't watch his show with you and that girl and the

2:15

three guys and I go, don't care. Thanks

2:18

for the help. But

2:20

then a new generation post pandemic when

2:22

it hit Netflix, younger guys

2:25

who are just more open. They're just

2:27

different. They're very different.

2:29

They like it. It's not even

2:31

gay to suck dick anymore. I'm

2:34

gonna disagree. I

2:36

gotta say, I think most people are with me.

2:39

You just tried to gaslight me and take this

2:41

interview in the weirdest way. Oh, no way, bro.

2:44

So we can suck each other's dicks and

2:46

we're straight. Do you know that you can be,

2:48

did you know you can get Tom told me

2:50

this? Tom lied to you to get you to

2:52

suck his dick, bro. Dude, you're

2:54

not gay, suck my dick. Really? Tom

2:57

told me. Tom can tell you anything

2:59

you want, he's wrong. He's not gonna dick make you gay. He

3:01

told me that you can be a

3:04

top and never be a bottom. You

3:09

can just fuck dudes in the ass and go like, I

3:12

just wanna fuck dudes in the ass. And

3:14

then I wouldn't even consider that gay, really. You

3:16

wouldn't? No, I mean, I think.

3:18

Hold on. Hold on. Just for

3:21

the record, if I had to pick, I

3:23

would definitely wanna get fucked in the ass. You would? Oh,

3:25

100%. You're so gay. That's

3:29

the can'test thing you've ever said. If

3:31

I had a choice, I'm fucking. Dude,

3:33

if I- If I'm going

3:35

to Cancun, I'm going scuba diving, I'm not just gonna hang

3:37

out in the beach, and that's when the guy is fucking

3:39

the guy in the ass is just hanging out at the

3:42

beach, staying at the resort. He's not even really traveling, technically.

3:44

Hold on. I'm in it, I'm in

3:46

Sanote. You're gonna do it. If you're gonna do

3:48

it. Let's have a drink. Good question. Good call.

3:51

Should we go Missner's or- You pick,

3:53

you pick. Hey, congratulations. Hold

3:55

on, we're not done with the gay

3:57

shit. Congratulations. Thank you, my friend. You, we are

3:59

going to- your party tonight for

4:02

your new movie called

4:04

Self Reliance. Yes sir. I watched it last

4:06

night. It's fucking awesome. It's

4:09

awesome. Cheers. Congratulations. Thank

4:11

you for coming. And this is

4:13

important, especially to people listening. This

4:16

is a movie you wrote, you directed, you

4:18

starred in, you got the money

4:20

for, you sold, and now, what are you

4:23

gonna do with it? Well

4:26

Hulu bought it. Hulu bought it? Yeah, so it's-

4:28

I watched a screener. You saw

4:30

a screener. So it comes out on Hulu the

4:32

12th, January 12th. Oh, fuck yes. We're

4:35

at the kind of tail end of it. It's been a whole journey.

4:37

Yeah, I bet. But yeah,

4:40

so we went to South by Southwest

4:42

last year. Hulu bought

4:44

it afterwards, really excited, and

4:46

I felt like it wasn't finished yet. So

4:49

I had a really weird experience because there was

4:51

a few scenes. I did some reshoots and some

4:53

re-edits. So you've seen the most recent

4:55

cut. But there was some stuff

4:57

that was not in it before. And

5:00

I felt like it was missing. Because we shot it fast, it was

5:02

a 17 day shoot. It's

5:04

really fast. It was fast, it was really indie,

5:06

it was gunning, and then when I watched it,

5:08

I wanted that third act to be really dark

5:10

and really heavy with no laughs at all. Okay,

5:12

because it got, okay, because you did that good

5:14

job on that. But then I added some laughs.

5:16

So the one you saw, some stuff was added

5:18

in there to bring levity. I had

5:21

none of that. Because my thought,

5:23

and when I was sitting in the

5:26

theater in Austin, first act

5:28

gets good laughs, people are on board. Second act, when Anna

5:30

comes, people are like, oh, it's a little bit of a

5:32

love story, this is fun. It's hard not to fucking

5:34

love her. She's great, she's so talented. She's

5:37

the reason we got green lit. I bet. When

5:39

she said yes, we had a movie. She's so fucking

5:41

lovable. Yeah, she's a movie star. She is.

5:44

She's got that thing, and you see it when you're on set.

5:46

You're like, I'm grinding around trying to like, I'm like,

5:48

if we're all in the water, I'm a guy

5:50

who just learned to swim, no matter how long I'm in the

5:52

water, and like, ah, choking a little bit, and be like, this

5:54

is a lot of fun, this is a fucking nightmare, get me

5:56

out of here. I should be on land, and then other people

5:58

come, and you're like. Oh, your

6:00

body naturally floats. Like

6:03

year of Like Water does that when I get a

6:05

water and sink into the bottom. This.

6:07

Has everything is a grind. She's one of

6:09

movie stars where you're like. Your. Legs

6:11

are uneven kicking. Your. Foot

6:13

in Money in the seeing you just

6:15

looked at the dialogue. There's sees. You

6:18

and her together. Ah oh and do no harm

6:20

in the movie by do wanna let people know

6:22

Give him a him because I watched it knowing

6:24

nothing with a kind of think sometimes the highway

6:27

to watch I think is the best of these

6:29

Like I didn't know anything about the Karate Kid

6:31

when have kids and I decides he had a

6:33

guess my now and you know you know about

6:36

six How do you know when I was like

6:38

highly had a bad idea you didn't know you

6:40

saw this shit he got. My guess is it's

6:42

about the globe like against them as I did

6:44

no I didn't know of like I didn't know

6:47

anything. Our footloose. Occurred when eight and we're pulling

6:49

up a novel Goes: I guess what does this movie

6:51

goes? As these kids live in a

6:53

city where they can't dance and i started laughing

6:55

so hard enough and i was like really him

6:57

he goes know it's for real they can do

6:59

is awesome and and then i was and them

7:01

when you awesome movie or like wow. It's

7:03

so families that you nothing about a movie. I

7:05

agree to it. By. Just one

7:08

a tease It so people. Pique.

7:10

Their interest. Your. Movie tickles

7:12

everything in me that I love in

7:14

movies. And I love a movie. I'm

7:17

the perfect intelligence demographic. To. Not

7:19

know what's going on when the director doesn't want

7:21

you to know it's going off. Me: see if

7:23

I could get like it as a does Six

7:26

cents Yeah House and I suspected robots and me

7:28

and him got it the same time off again

7:30

time he grammys like oh shit. Like

7:33

that. yeah Mm agree are both are girls

7:36

already knew the ending already. There were like

7:38

when we do that minute eight yeah if

7:40

we're we're waiting like we didn't get it

7:42

when he like backs up against the. Thing.

7:45

And likely to the stomach and season. but still.

7:48

we didn't get rolling over and his wound reopened.

7:50

We did. Let's be cops. We had a screening

7:52

for that in our Vegas and there was. It

7:54

was like a real drunken things are you at

7:56

sea of then candid combined with the screen and

7:59

so the real life. The group and.

8:01

There was a black guy sitting right

8:03

behind Damon and I just decided to

8:05

narrate the movie. And at

8:07

the beginning it was annoying. You felt like mother

8:09

fucker like we did. All his words Shut the

8:11

fuck up. It. Turned because I

8:14

realize he's the perfect audience member.

8:16

Yeah, something would happen in Hugo.

8:18

like. The. Little why god getting

8:20

cause there but he should yet another. I

8:22

arrived in the hips and I was like

8:24

oh we made this movie for him in

8:26

a new going I'm feeling a little uncomfortable

8:28

it's can scarcely his a daemon. I looked

8:30

at each other midway through are like this

8:32

is it does Big guy is that on

8:34

a mystery science three thousand with is a

8:36

success than once you movies I would that

8:38

would be the defining greatest show soon be

8:41

that would I will tell you right now

8:43

but why do I haven't have you are

8:45

I do it. Let's. Do

8:47

that to me. Set that up. I

8:49

want to get to black comics I know

8:51

me or what economists path to be one

8:53

of them it who have never seen the

8:55

machine and I want to watch it were

8:57

no mystery science. three thousand commentary where you

8:59

can was the one with that that the

9:01

fuck am I just a great way to

9:03

martyrdom. He really is. Oh said fuck off

9:06

unless they don't like it. Because.

9:08

They have to be honest though. the the cats have to

9:10

be. They. Are not with this guy? The

9:12

back. At times inserted moments you'd be like. He.

9:14

Them now wasn't like come on, man, I'll buy

9:16

that shit and would be like those a soft

9:18

moment because if the to comics or kiss and.

9:21

And once you read that. And. They're

9:23

just like and it you need the moment where they

9:25

as the audience go like that was in it type

9:28

in black people who don't like me. Have

9:32

that demo. Oh think I don't I'm I'm

9:34

a good cross over by don't Like a.

9:37

I'm I'm very cognizant of cinema said is allowed

9:39

under cogs in I'm not trying to cross over,

9:41

feel like I don't wanna be in a play,

9:43

some I don't want to be in a place

9:45

I'd. Dot. Dot.dot.it's

9:48

get out of our go target.

9:51

Sighted. Say it's like girl who don't

9:53

like ours would only bird. Refilling.

9:55

fucking way that thing to google

9:57

anywhere doesn't feel great well what

10:00

But well then let's get into this subject you

10:02

worked with the dude from get out Which

10:05

was the guy the black dude Daniel

10:07

Daniel. Well, we were in spider verse

10:10

together spider verse. Yes. Okay. Here's my

10:12

question Do you does

10:14

he's British right? Yeah, is it weird when

10:16

you work with a black dude? Who's

10:19

British and then does a white

10:21

dude a white of a black

10:23

American dude accent? What

10:26

okay? So

10:29

that guy's British so Yes,

10:33

it's good to meet you Jake, yeah, how are

10:35

I yeah, this should be a fun project Daniel

10:40

Alright shake real quick.

10:42

I want to get ready for this role Yeah,

10:44

so when a black man speaks in your country,

10:47

they say birthday, huh? And

10:49

then you're like well But but he's black so

10:51

he can do whatever and then you go it's

10:53

kind of borderlineing on racist a

10:56

little bit So the exchange your

10:58

pitching. Yeah never happened It

11:01

is the equivalent of Tom telling you sucking

11:03

a dick keeps you straight. It's

11:05

not real life Fucking

11:08

a dude in the ass. I don't think is

11:10

that gay Really? I

11:12

don't think it's that gay. So hold on if

11:14

you went off have a cocktail if you went

11:16

off and fucked ten guys in the ass That's

11:19

gay like fucking ten guys in the ass is gay

11:21

How about ten guys in a summer? But

11:23

if you come out as gay and you go I only fuck

11:25

dudes in the ass. That's not that gay But

11:28

but not that you're not the gayest but it

11:30

is gay, right? Or

11:32

no, I don't know. I think it's

11:34

gay or to get fucked in the ass So when I

11:37

was a kid my uncle Eddie came lived with us because

11:39

he was having legal problems Yeah,

11:42

and loved them in major character. I love Eddie

11:44

Eddie was the best hung me on signs I

11:46

dropped out of school hung me on signs with

11:48

him We used to have to run from the

11:50

shop owners because the work was so shitty Everything

11:53

was always a hustle and a con and he

11:55

was telling me a story that he was bragging

11:57

about And he was talking about

11:59

he was once getting His dick sucked by this

12:01

long-haired hippie. And then he

12:03

felt whiskers hit his nuts. And

12:06

he moved the person's head and realized

12:08

it was a guy with long hair.

12:11

And at 15, I said, so what

12:13

did you do? And he

12:15

said, I should finish what you started. That

12:18

story to me is not the story of

12:21

like a cool straight guy getting a blowjob.

12:23

That was a story to me of like, okay,

12:26

cool. I respect you.

12:29

But you knowingly got a blowjob from a

12:31

man, and especially in

12:33

1994, whenever that story happened.

12:36

Yeah, in 1994, that was definitely gay. And in 2023, it's definitely

12:38

gay. It's definitely

12:41

gay too. Is they

12:43

gay too? But you know, like there are dudes

12:45

that like, but how about this? Okay, this is

12:47

maybe what I'm trying to get at. Okay. This

12:50

is it. Oh, I wanna step. Hey, would someone

12:52

get me Zins? What's Zins? Oh,

12:55

are you serious? Yeah. Oh, this

12:57

is the greatest thing in the world. It's nicotine. So,

13:02

this is what I was trying to get at. This is the brilliant thought I

13:04

had. When we

13:07

were kids, sucking a

13:09

dude's dick was frowned upon as

13:12

a dude. Now, there's less of a

13:14

frown. So there's so like- And

13:16

you wanna suck a dick, suck a dick. Yeah. No,

13:19

but even like, even like, I've dealt

13:21

with it. A lot of my daughter's dude

13:23

friends are gay. And there's guys that

13:25

I honestly would not, like

13:27

I did not clock that. I

13:29

know what you're saying. A lot. Yeah, I

13:31

believe that. Like there was a buddy of hers that just

13:34

came out and- You didn't see it at all. I

13:36

didn't see it so much. I told him he wasn't. And

13:39

he said like, I

13:41

am. And he was like, nah. And

13:43

I was like, I think it's the vaccine. Had

13:49

a dizzy's getting canceled your podcast. That

13:53

guy's in the fucking hot seat.

13:55

Talk about watching the fucking Capitol

13:57

crumble. That poor guy fucking shot out the

13:59

Pat Mac. People calling out the head of

14:01

fucking ESPN that fucking poor guy is he's

14:03

probably got to be our age He's got

14:05

to be 52 and he just and

14:08

you know can I tell you I'm such a coward There's

14:10

times and that happened to me at networks, and I just

14:12

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15:56

man, this has been a therapy

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ditch the extreme resolutions and make changes that

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talked about therapy so

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family because truth be told, we all do

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it. Leanne's, it's so good.

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It's so good and my family's

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communicating so well because they have

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the tools to be able to talk to each

16:43

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remember, I love you. Well,

17:33

it's hard because we're in a really wild era. It's

17:36

the old world and the new world are coming together. But

17:38

it's still, I mean, my movie's with Hulu. That's

17:41

where the movie sold. I would love to get to a

17:43

spot where you can make an indie movie. We

17:46

were talking about this before. Allow it directly

17:48

to the audience and then sell to these streamers

17:50

as a second run. But I don't

17:52

know if we're there. Well, here's the question. I

17:55

think we're there. I think it's got to

17:57

be people like you. This is the, I

17:59

was saying this to you walking up here.

18:01

The missing ingredient is you. I

18:04

was saying this to you walking up. It's like

18:06

even with me and my movie, I think that

18:08

would have been an interesting thing to sell it

18:11

to the fans. I think ultimately we did. Yeah.

18:13

I think that's where we got our money. Didn't

18:15

you guys go crazy on Netflix? Yeah, Netflix. I

18:17

bite my tongue sometimes, but

18:21

we had an opportunity to go into theaters or just

18:23

go to Netflix. And then at the last minute,

18:26

last minute we had an opportunity to do both. But

18:30

at the very beginning I said I wanted to

18:32

be in theaters. Listen,

18:35

in hindsight, I should have just gone to Netflix. It

18:38

would have been crushed and it

18:40

would have been great for all the

18:42

brand, all the podcast or all the

18:44

specials. But perfect. Thank you. But

18:48

I just, it's like there's a thing about,

18:50

there's a thing about seeing it in movie

18:52

theaters. Now having said that, I

18:55

look at your movie and even my movie

18:57

and I go, I really thought my

19:00

movie was good, but it

19:02

would have been great if you had started it.

19:04

And I just know that because you

19:07

don't, there's no point do I watch you

19:09

act where I'm not enmeshed

19:11

in the fucking story. Like you're a

19:13

really great actor and you're a really

19:15

great actor and doing very nothing. Like

19:18

that's the, when you're the best is like

19:20

when you're just talking very casually

19:23

to Anna and the

19:25

two of you are talking, I don't want to ruin any

19:27

part of the movie. You're talking about one dude and

19:29

the two of you are going back and forth with opposing

19:31

opinion. It's so funny. It's so light. And even you, you

19:33

don't, you don't push jokes. Like your

19:35

jokes come naturally. You can tell when comics

19:38

push a joke. And there's one scene that

19:40

I kept thinking about in my movie where

19:42

I said, I wish you had said it.

19:44

I really do. Interesting. What's funny about that

19:46

being opposite is cause I came

19:48

up doing improv and sketch. Yeah. And now

19:51

I feel like when I was coming up,

19:53

that was winning, you know, the bill Murray's

19:55

did it. The Chris Farley's did it. The

19:57

Belushe's did it. And then I felt like

19:59

Stan. stand-ups were over here and improv and

20:01

sketch was over here and now I feel like there's been

20:03

a big shift and stand-up is

20:05

king and improv theaters are

20:07

fading and to do stand-up is kind of

20:10

everything and I feel like it's such an

20:12

interesting spot when you get towards like comedic

20:14

acting because certain stand-ups you got your Eddie

20:16

Murphy's those motherfuckers know how to

20:18

hit a joke in a way that I don't

20:21

so certain stand-ups will go on a run and you'll see

20:23

him as an actor and you'll be like oh

20:25

fucking perfect because your job is in front

20:28

of people like your life you're going because

20:30

I'll check you out on Instagram after we

20:32

did our thing and then you know worked

20:34

out together I was like I'll birth a

20:36

fucking great guy so I've been keeping track

20:38

you're the first person I've ever done that with where I

20:40

said I was gonna do something I followed through I don't

20:42

do that that's right yeah I don't do that amazing I

20:44

don't do that but I was I felt very comfortable with

20:46

you yeah like I was like and we texted and I

20:48

said hey man I'm working out we randomly

20:50

you knew my trainer yeah and I said yo come

20:53

and surprise her and then we had a great fucking

20:55

break out I've been on the road I've been and

20:57

literally I said to myself yesterday I was like I

20:59

haven't worked out with him in a while she hit

21:01

him up to come work out with us and I

21:03

said no me yeah so you should gotta come again

21:06

I mean I leave for Mexico tomorrow but your life

21:08

man which I've now cuz I never aspired to be

21:10

a stand-up I didn't understand it now seeing it I'll

21:12

get clips of you you're in

21:15

front of 20,000 people multiple

21:17

times a week hitting

21:19

jokes I'm like that from somebody who

21:21

comes from my world that is

21:24

insane yeah your skill set when you

21:26

get to a set that must

21:28

feel tiny to you no

21:31

the difference is and I

21:33

don't want to I don't want to tell you the

21:35

line I wish you had said but you

21:37

said a similar line in your movie and

21:41

and it's uh and

21:44

uh and I watched you say it and I

21:46

went so what you have about the way

21:49

you directed it so I don't know who gave you notes

21:51

but when you tell me say this line I'm

21:53

gonna give it to you the way I think you should it

21:55

should be said and they go give me a different energy I'm

21:57

gonna give you a pretty much the same variation of what I

21:59

just said I

22:01

can say it with a little bit of a Scottish

22:03

accent maybe but that's about it. But

22:05

you have such an ability to enter

22:07

and to take pivotal, you know it's

22:09

like the thing with Arnold Schwarzenegger is

22:12

he never knew that I'll be back was going to

22:14

be the line and that's why it stopped. That's why

22:17

you're 100% Because he didn't put any energy into it.

22:19

Yes. Like if you told him this

22:21

is our catchphrase. He would have sold it in a

22:23

huge way. Yeah and I think I

22:25

did that. But

22:28

you in your moments

22:30

you're very good at being

22:32

small but making that small moment very large.

22:34

But that's the key when we talk about

22:36

the media changing and I look

22:39

at someone like Theo Vaughn. You know

22:41

Theo Vaughn? Killer. I love Theo.

22:43

Me too. We tried to cast him in an animated

22:45

show. We did a show called... Good luck.

22:48

Well this was years ago. Theo, Theo there's

22:50

so much you can share about Theo. I

22:56

choose sometimes not to only

22:58

be out of respect for like I

23:00

don't want to be in a clip about Theo. You

23:03

know but like all I will say is he

23:07

hears a drum no one else hears and

23:09

he does his own thing

23:11

and he has done things that he has

23:13

done things that if I told you right

23:16

now not nothing bad nothing bad but just

23:18

just being a real artist where he doesn't

23:20

feel it. He does his own thing

23:22

where you go. Are you fucking

23:24

kidding me? But he was one of the guys who

23:26

blew my mind. You when I came here we did

23:28

something burning that we sat in the back and had

23:30

a bunch of drinks and you like broke down the

23:32

structure. Dak Shepard hanging

23:35

out with him. Dak Shepard is fucking fascinating.

23:37

He's an awesome guy. Dude he's someone... Really

23:39

fun talk. I trashed him

23:41

on two bears one time. I ain't trashing

23:43

him. But we busted balls. I don't think he's a

23:45

sensitive guy. He didn't see my eyes. I watched him

23:47

pull a pin out of his wrist. And

23:49

by the way I'll tell

23:52

you this. This is all you need to know about Dak

23:54

Shepard. He married Kristen Bell. Kristen Bell's

23:56

a fucking gangster. She's

23:58

got all of it. She's an animal. I think all the

24:00

edge seems to be a pretty legit fucking mom. Yeah,

24:02

yeah, yeah. And like. And he's a killer

24:05

man. But you three, so

24:07

Theo, years ago, we're doing this anime show

24:09

with Gareth Reynolds. Yeah. He was one of

24:11

the EPs on it. Ben Hoffman.

24:14

What was the show, Hoops? Hoops. Yeah, I

24:16

saw that. Yeah, so that was, so I

24:18

was the lead voice on that. Ben Hoffman, it's his

24:21

show, Wheeler Walker. Yeah. I

24:23

don't think anyone knows that. What's

24:25

that, oh yeah, interesting. Nevermind. God

24:29

bless. He's a musician

24:31

and a comedy writer. And

24:33

an old friend, like an awesome guy. Sorry,

24:37

cut that out. Hey, it's

24:40

up to you guys editing in the studio.

24:42

Cut it out or leave it in. Whatever.

24:45

I think it's fucking fascinating. Yeah, I agree.

24:47

I think it's the best. Whatever it is.

24:49

It's crazy. It's wild. It's fucking crazy. It's

24:51

bad. It's so crazy.

24:53

So crazy. And so committed

24:56

and so deep that you're

24:58

like, look, and I also know.

25:00

OK, someone send this clip to Ben

25:02

so we can, someone clip.

25:04

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree. See if he doesn't want it in

25:06

because we won't put it in. I think that's right. This is

25:08

how great it is. Yeah. This is how great it is. I

25:11

wish, and I don't wish he died in

25:13

the plane crash so we could just share this information. But

25:15

I kind of do. Yeah, I agree. Because it's so

25:18

fascinating. Well, eventually it's going to, what I don't understand

25:20

is, well, anyhow, we'll see

25:22

if he'll even put it in. But

25:24

we auditioned. So the part, I play

25:26

an abusive coach from Kentucky. It was

25:28

a Ben's inspiration kind of whatever. We

25:31

were looking to find the seven foot

25:33

kid who was going to be like the

25:35

prodigy that my guy saw like, I see the world

25:37

in you, kid. And my guy is trying to get

25:40

out of this fucking high school and get to the

25:42

pros. There's a seven footer at the school. The

25:44

seven footer just doesn't have the brain

25:46

for competition. He's using weirdo. We

25:49

auditioned a bunch. Do you know the fucking

25:51

birds stop interrupting? Do

25:53

you know that the majority of

25:55

seven footers don't because they've been famous

25:57

since they were in fifth grade? They're

26:00

the tallest guy and everyone goes up to him.

26:02

It causes a lot of social anxiety with them

26:04

We had a dude that was

26:06

the biggest guy at our school and immediately

26:08

you just assume he's comfortable with interaction Because

26:11

he's the biggest guy and he was a

26:13

very quiet soft soul. I think he's so

26:15

I think he's like working in computers Here's

26:17

the other side, you know in the movie

26:20

the seven foot guy and the Michael Jackson

26:22

thing who attacks me. That's Boba and Marjovanek

26:24

He did I say it wrong? Oh Oh

26:28

Who the fuck were you a big Serb? I Just

26:32

offended the Serbian community. Okay. Okay,

26:34

he's in the NBA He's

26:38

seven foot four. I wrote the part

26:40

with him in mine, you know, I'd seen him

26:42

I DM him to do it He came on board.

26:44

He was the opposite. He just did our podcast this

26:46

guy. Yeah, I know that guy He

26:48

came on the podcast too He's

26:51

actually the opposite of that what he does

26:53

cuz he's so big I mean seven four

26:55

is real and when you're around it, it's

26:58

otherworldly. It feels like he ate mushrooms

27:00

Yeah, cuz you just go like you're

27:02

like me, but you ain't like

27:04

me. Yeah, his is the opposite He says hi

27:07

to everybody. He makes everybody comfortable So everybody gets

27:09

at ease and I was like, oh

27:11

you got that magic gift of you walk into

27:13

a space And he just goes like hi. Hi.

27:15

Hi Warmth warm warm and

27:17

it works for it. I would love to be seven

27:19

four Do you know how big my personality would be

27:21

if I was yeah, you know harder be to fly

27:25

I would have so much money if I was

27:28

seven four. Yeah, I don't know fucking a seven

27:30

foot four stand-up It's been my day at

27:32

carnival's hitting the fucking hammer on the thing All

27:35

day long guarantee you're making more money what you're doing

27:39

So you're right Bert you could get nine funnel cakes

27:41

and like 200 bucks a day. I Guarantee

27:44

you got a better you got a funnel

27:46

cakes at at Knott's Berry Farm. Yeah,

27:49

the best funnel cakes I've ever had my life You

27:52

can get them Interrupted you I feel

27:54

bummed so we're auditioning people for this

27:57

part of Maddie feel comes in I swear

28:00

Oh my god, it was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

28:02

I didn't know Theo at the time. I

28:05

didn't know him as a stand-up. I wasn't into the podcast world

28:07

yet. And if you're not into it, you don't really listen. You

28:09

don't know. I just

28:11

see this dude walk in, nowhere near

28:13

the script. I'm sorry,

28:15

man. I'm gonna try to get these. He

28:17

just starts improvising. He finished, we

28:19

all, he walked out. He was like, that's gotta be the

28:21

guy. We went to the studio, the network, we're like, no

28:23

choice. It has to be him. We

28:26

were texting him and he was like, yeah, I

28:28

guess I'm interested, it's fine, I auditioned for it.

28:30

He got his offer from 20th Century. They do

28:32

a standard rate. Everybody gets the same rate. I've

28:34

done shows, there's no negotiation. That rate is not good.

28:37

But you do it because you're on 20th Century, you might get

28:39

on, I don't know. You just say yes. He

28:42

goes, no, no, no, no, no.

28:44

I can't leave my living room for that. And he's like, I

28:46

don't like to drive. And then as it

28:48

was going back and forth, I was sure

28:50

it was a negotiation move. Oh no. He

28:54

was done. Never engaged again. And I

28:56

was like, how? And then Ben goes,

28:59

he's got a killer podcast. And I was like, no,

29:02

no, you do this whole game to do

29:04

film and TV. And that was the beginning

29:06

of, no, other people are playing a different

29:08

game that I've been playing since like 97.

29:12

And then here at your house, I was like, remember

29:14

I kept thinking this was your family home? And I

29:16

couldn't believe it was a fake kitchen. You

29:19

know how many times I've talked about that fake

29:21

kitchen? You have a fake kitchen.

29:24

And I was like, what galaxy are we in

29:26

every room I walk in this house? There's some

29:28

like weird 26 year old guy on a computer

29:30

just going like, edit in. Edit in what? You

29:34

guys are all working? Yeah, we work for Bert

29:36

doing what? This one. How's that one doing? Really

29:39

big numbers. What's up? Every cabinet

29:41

is full of products. What

29:44

galaxy is this, man? What company sent you all those

29:46

hats? I know one did. Yeah, they

29:48

did. So I

29:50

walk Hatter out

29:53

of England. You guys are awesome. Thank you.

29:55

You at Winston Churchill day. The

29:58

amazing. Tom

30:01

was one that introduced me to the

30:03

fact that the business had changed over

30:05

the pandemic. I have never tracked

30:07

my money. Meaning

30:13

what? Meaning I know what I made

30:15

when I started headlining, but

30:18

this is how bad I am with money.

30:21

The first TV show I got was $5,000 an episode, which is

30:24

a lot of fucking money. To

30:27

this day, $5,000 is my

30:29

threshold of where I know you're good.

30:31

If you make $5,000 a week, you're fucking

30:33

good. When

30:35

I found out I was making $5,000 an episode,

30:37

and it was a weekly show. It was $5,000 a

30:39

week. We

30:42

did four shows a week, so technically when you break it

30:44

down, it wasn't the greatest money. But

30:46

it was still a lot of money for me. I

30:49

looked at my buddy Eddie Fernandez, and we were

30:51

on Franklin, and I looked

30:53

at him and I said, I'm a fucking millionaire.

30:57

I didn't do the math. I thought I was

30:59

a millionaire. But $5,000,

31:01

when I went to Travel Channel, I said, anything over $5,000.

31:05

You'll never get that an episode. Then

31:08

that was an episode. It was still three days of work.

31:10

Was this the birth of Conker? Birth of Conker, and they

31:12

gave me $7,000 an episode, and I was like, I

31:15

made it. That's the last

31:17

time I remember making money

31:19

in my head, because I go, anything above

31:21

$7,000, we're good. We

31:24

can pay for everything. The other day, I was taking a piss, and I literally

31:27

said to myself in a panic, what

31:30

happens if everything goes away? What happens?

31:32

Do I have enough money? I literally didn't know the answer, but

31:35

I don't follow money like that. I know I

31:37

make good money on the road, and I know

31:39

that I feel like I

31:42

can last for a while, and maybe I

31:44

can make it to retirement, but I don't

31:46

pay attention to money that

31:48

way. Tom said to me, when

31:50

we first started Two Bears, when we started getting

31:52

ad sales on Two Bears during the pandemic, I

31:56

guess I can burn it to the ground like Pat McAfee. Travel

31:59

channel came to us. Travel Channel and they were like, yo,

32:01

we'd like to hire you and Tom to

32:03

do a TV show for us And I was like, that's

32:05

why you do the 100% right. That was the model. Do

32:07

the fucking podcast And I went to Tom and he was

32:09

like cool. Let's do it They came

32:11

back with our offer and Tom said to me We

32:15

make that what they want to offer both of us

32:18

We make that and I and I went

32:20

what he goes for like And

32:24

by the way, they weren't off on a fucking money at the time And

32:27

I went huh and he goes for one minute

32:29

of minute of me and you reading an ad

32:31

we get that we get that So they're gonna

32:34

give notes and be in control and they're gonna

32:36

decide if we do more and then And

32:38

then at that time we

32:41

had offers from a bunch of

32:43

people to buy something's burning So some burning was

32:45

at a different company for a while and but

32:47

I owned it and so It

32:50

was complicated but I owned it and so I could make the decisions

32:52

of what happened with the show and they came to me And

32:55

I I remember hearing the money and thinking of

32:57

what Tom said and I said I I'll do

32:59

it I want no notes, huh?

33:02

And they were like, okay. I go. It's what

33:04

we shoot. You'll get that I'll just shoot that I'll give it

33:06

to you and we'll give you the edit and

33:08

you can air it and They came back

33:10

and they said that's awesome. We'd love it But we'd

33:12

love the little man on the street stuff and I

33:14

went no, I said no notes Yeah, and I remember

33:16

the producer that I was talking to

33:19

that was helping me sell this project said

33:21

to me I've

33:23

met you can't say no notes. I said

33:25

well, I'm in a position where I say

33:27

no Yeah, that's right and I and I

33:29

but it was the old paradigm and

33:32

now things have shifted and you I keep

33:34

going back to Pat McAfee and I

33:36

go I mean not

33:39

just not to like I hate

33:41

talking about my friends too much on podcasts

33:44

Because I feel like they get clipped

33:46

out badly poorly But

33:48

Tom and I remember Pat McAfee when

33:51

he was just a punter with a

33:53

podcast Yeah, totally and I remember

33:55

thinking How much how

33:58

much of this punting salary is he gonna roll? run through

34:00

on trying this podcast

34:02

shit. Because his podcast was good, it was

34:05

good, but I was

34:07

in that old paradigm, a travel channel. I think it was a travel

34:09

channel at the time. And then I

34:11

watched him turn into what he is and it's like,

34:13

oh, you just gotta believe in yourself. I said it

34:15

to anyone listening. And I know Tom's had some thoughts

34:17

about money and what, to our

34:20

fans. But the truth is, finding

34:22

the thing you fucking love and believing in

34:24

yourself, you did that with this movie. You

34:27

believed in yourself, you got the money, you

34:29

wrote the movie, you made the movie, you

34:31

starred in the movie, you called in friends

34:33

to do favors for you and

34:35

they did them. And the

34:37

movie's fucking phenomenal and that's

34:39

the new paradigm. That is the new paradigm. That's

34:41

interesting. It is because- Here's what's trippy, Burt. So

34:44

here's where the whole world for me is- I'm gonna have another

34:46

drink. I haven't had a buzz in 15 days. Nice.

34:49

Why not? It feels so

34:51

good. I am changing my lifestyle, longevity. I'm trying,

34:53

I'm drinking tonight at your party. I'm drinking tonight

34:55

at your party. Gareth is gonna be there too.

34:57

Oh, yeah. We're gonna have some fun. I'm

35:00

gonna set it 715 at

35:02

the improv and then I'm going over to- Oh, fun,

35:04

good. You're gonna be jacked up. Ooh,

35:07

I'm gonna be jacked up. I only have one joke that

35:09

I'm telling tonight that's new. So,

35:12

yeah. Yeah. I

35:14

have one joke that I'm gonna try. I'm gonna

35:16

try. I think this is funny. I

35:19

texted, I think it's funny because Tom texted it back to

35:21

me. This guy

35:23

DM'd me. He's

35:26

like, hey, you're gonna be a Stockton. I would

35:28

like to bring the Diaz brothers and a couple

35:30

of MMA guys and a bunch of people. Oh,

35:33

yeah, I'm taking a shit in Park City

35:35

and I just write, I voice text Absol

35:37

fucking Lutely. And then I hit send

35:39

and it, voice text changed that to

35:42

me. I'm so fucking lonely.

35:45

I think I wrote like,

35:47

cool. So, yeah, you're nay

35:49

on the Diaz brothers. I

35:51

am so fucking lonely. You know, what I will

35:53

say, I'm a UFC guy from back in the

35:55

day and I faded a

35:58

little bit and I got into. Because

36:00

of the DS brothers when

36:02

those guys now when Nick

36:05

I would argue yeah You

36:11

that I would argue that The

36:14

the DS brothers are

36:17

gangsters, right? They're real fighters. They're

36:19

fucking gangsters There's a job

36:21

into that magic sauce. So here's the

36:23

difference nowadays. You have

36:25

all athletes Everybody looks like

36:28

GSP. Yeah, everybody's got a

36:30

certain body and everybody does everything

36:33

the reason that Nick

36:35

Diaz was Nick Diaz He

36:38

showed up in jeans and

36:40

I remember watching fights where you would have like it used

36:43

to be back in the day You'd be like and

36:45

we would all get together and we would gamble on it And

36:47

if I was running the gambling you'd go like

36:50

alright the fat guy who seems to punch versus

36:52

the jiu-jitsu guy when a

36:54

DS brother came up you were like, well,

36:56

it's gonna be them it's gonna be like Jake shield it's

36:58

gonna be that guy burns and They

37:00

might literally walk into the ring in As

37:19

The big fat bellies, but if he catches

37:21

you and that is you know That

37:24

is the thing that I will say with everything that I

37:26

miss and as the world keeps

37:29

changing I'm like there was really something to

37:31

you would have somebody where you're like, that's

37:33

a professional martial artist But that

37:35

motherfucker is fighting this tough dude from

37:37

Stockton who grew up with his brother's

37:40

badasses trained jiu-jitsu But they have now

37:42

worked themselves in a frenzy. They hate

37:44

you my favorite Diaz clip

37:46

and by the way, I have a bunch I have a

37:48

fucking bunch My favorite Diaz

37:50

clip. It's a Nate Diaz clip. They asked him

37:53

if he ever got bullied growing up Dude,

37:56

this could I I could cry telling you

37:58

this and he said nah I

38:00

had a big brother. Yeah, so cool. I

38:05

never hated my sisters more. They

38:09

did nothing for me. Yeah, they gave

38:11

me a sense of humor, but like

38:13

those fucking... So I got twin girls

38:15

and... Not conjoined. Not conjoined.

38:17

That was still one of my all time favorites.

38:20

But one of them came home, the other

38:23

one was home from school. And she said,

38:25

a girl in the group said, It's

38:28

better when blank isn't here, talking a little

38:30

shit about her sister. And

38:33

my other daughter went, no, we don't do that. Don't talk

38:35

about it. And stood up and walked away and a

38:37

couple of friends went with. It was the proudest

38:39

I've ever been as a parent. Of like,

38:42

you're just setting the standard. And

38:44

I feel that way with friends and my team. It's like, you've got

38:47

a squad, you've got a group. You

38:50

can't let people fucking piss on it. So when

38:52

you go back to like the Diaz brothers, what's so fun

38:54

about them, is they got a group in Staunton

38:57

and you ain't in it. You're not part

38:59

of it. If you're one of those celebrities, if you can like

39:01

hang on, let's say they'll know you. So you're with them. You

39:03

might walk with them, you're not with them. They're

39:05

going to be nice to you. They're going to make sure

39:08

you don't get paid. They may, but every now and then

39:10

you're going to get side eyes to them when they go,

39:12

What did you just say? Exactly. And then

39:14

you're going to go, nothing, nothing. That shit,

39:16

which used to be more of UFC, when

39:18

it was... Remember when it first started in

39:20

our generation, you used to watch on VHSs

39:22

and you would have like a 300 pounder

39:24

like murdering some guy. And it used

39:26

to be that and faces of death. Remember

39:29

when those were linked rather than UFC

39:31

and fucking pickleball were linked? Yes, we

39:33

had. It used to be UFC and

39:36

faces of literal death. I'm going to

39:38

rope in this alligator. You should be,

39:40

but oh god, no, no. Nowadays you

39:42

have UFC and then you're like, keep

39:45

watching fucking cornholes coming on and these

39:47

fucking Goobers are taking that shit seriously.

39:49

Pickleballs kill more people than any sport

39:51

in the world. That's not true. You're

39:54

making stuff up. You

39:57

just lie with sincerity. No, but...

40:00

I only know two people that died

40:02

after pickleball. Matthew Perry

40:05

and then this guy was snowboarding with. He

40:08

was like, I had a massive heart attack after pickleball

40:10

and I was like, fuck pickleball man, that's dangerous. Pickleball's

40:12

fun, have you played? I

40:14

was, this is probably. This could

40:16

be our way of working out. This

40:18

dude, do not get Leanne started

40:20

on pickleball. She bought this house so that she could build

40:22

a pickleball court in it. Really? She wanted to build a

40:25

pickleball court where we parked my bus now. Because

40:27

she wants a pickleball fun. Great

40:29

cardio. It's great cardio, here's the problem, it's deceptive

40:31

to older people. Because it fucks up your knees?

40:34

No, no, because they think they're getting a good

40:36

workout but they should not be working out. And

40:38

so that's why they have heart attacks. Did you know

40:40

Matthew Perry super glued his hands to

40:42

his knees to stop doing drugs? No,

40:45

but I do know I did a press event

40:47

with him years ago. Really? We did

40:49

some like Hollywood Reporter Roundtable and you know, it's

40:51

Matt Perry. So, you know, God bless the guy,

40:53

but I'm a fan. And so, you know, remember

40:55

in that era coming up when he was on

40:57

Friends and then he was doing movies with Farley

40:59

too and Bruce Willis, I'm like, go man. And

41:02

so everyone was around and I'm like, I kinda wanna

41:04

chat with him a little bit. And

41:06

he was crushing Red Bull. Really?

41:09

And I go, and I'm an addict. So I get addicted to

41:11

everything. So an addict sees an addict. You see it really quick.

41:13

The way you were freaking out about those mints. Could

41:16

Pete get those mints? Yeah, so anyway, the

41:18

movie. Could Pete get those mints? Yeah, so the

41:20

movie, it's like non-stop. Speaking of

41:22

time, good time to switch out for a new

41:24

one. Ha, ha, ha, delicious. And so

41:27

I said, like, you're crushing these Red Bulls, my man.

41:29

And he goes, it's my thing. He goes, you

41:31

have no idea how many I drink. He goes,

41:33

I have a vending machine at home stocked with

41:36

fucking Red Bull. And that's when I was like,

41:38

oh, this dude goes hard. He goes after it.

41:40

He goes after it. And I was like, he

41:42

would be a fun hang. The key is, do

41:44

you read his book? No.

41:49

I listen to his book on tape. When I

41:51

was not drinking for like, I didn't drink for

41:53

like three months. Yeah. I listen to his book.

41:56

He says it. It's all,

41:58

I've just. said to everyone

42:00

it's the thing you should listen to it's really

42:02

moving especially no race yeah oh yeah cuz he's

42:04

very open and honest what did he do who

42:07

did he kill Keanu Reeves remember he did I

42:09

remember something where he did some statement where he

42:11

was like making fun of some actor and everyone

42:13

got mad at him oh I don't know not

42:15

true was count Reeves well oh

42:19

they did okay yeah yeah they took it out of what he

42:22

really yeah he said something like no

42:24

reason where he said like he doesn't

42:27

like Keanu Reeves I kind of like

42:29

that though yeah that's what cat Williams

42:31

did cat Williams holy cow is that

42:33

dude funny dude he burned all

42:35

the boats yeah he burned all the boats and still on

42:37

the shore his five foot five

42:39

going I'm bigger when you see me in

42:41

person and let me tell you something I

42:43

bet he is yeah I bet he fucking

42:46

is a murder he dude he's a murder

42:48

he is so he but

42:50

you know the I mean

42:53

you're listening on no one's shitting

42:56

on cat Williams yeah and that's the weird thing

42:58

it's like there

43:00

is like there is there

43:02

is a thing in Hollywood where the person you

43:04

think you're working with isn't who you're I'm not

43:06

saying that I'm not saying about Kevin Hart and

43:08

Bernie and all I'm not saying this about cat

43:10

statements yes but there is a thing where you

43:13

get to work with the person you want to

43:15

work with you're super excited then you meet them

43:17

and you're like who is this

43:19

garbage mother fucker there's also the other side

43:21

what's that and that is you

43:23

work with certain people that so

43:25

I am now conditioned that certain

43:27

celebrities everything is

43:30

a grind to get them to do any little things you

43:32

come into the party today and you saying for years it

43:34

means a lot that's not a grind it's not a grind

43:36

then I'll tell you why but hold on but hold on

43:38

but that means a lot because you

43:40

are helping me you taking photos there

43:42

will help promote the movie that means

43:44

a lot asking celebrities

43:46

to do stuff yeah little

43:49

stuff yeah who are friends it's

43:52

like you're pulling fucking teeth and then you

43:54

meet certain people Tom Cruise was when I

43:56

was gonna say Tom Skurka he's difficult to

43:58

keep going You know what it

44:00

is? And I, listen, this is the other thing I've

44:02

learned in therapy, Tom's really good

44:04

at setting boundaries. I'm not good at setting boundaries. I'm not

44:06

good at setting boundaries, but I also know what a little

44:09

bit of an ask and a little bit of a give

44:11

means. I told you this, when people came

44:13

to my premiere like Bustin' with the Boys,

44:15

those guys came out, Leanne flew them out, but they,

44:17

regardless, they got all the way. They came, they did

44:19

it. It meant a lot to

44:21

me. It did mean a lot. It meant a

44:23

lot. And when I got the invite for your

44:25

party tonight, I said, yeah, absolutely. And

44:29

I was like, I'm not gonna be, I

44:31

won't shift the energy of that room. I'm

44:33

not gonna be like a big name, but

44:35

just if you see me, then

44:37

you know that I really like you. That

44:40

you mean something to me. That's

44:42

why I show up. But

44:44

yeah, but you were saying the other side of that,

44:46

guys, I'm trying so hard not to interrupt, trust me.

44:50

You said the other side of that is when you see

44:52

the celebrity thing we were talking about. And they're fucking awesome.

44:54

Yeah. And they come out and

44:56

you expect them to be something. So

44:58

you're going, because me as an actor for most of my

45:00

jobs, I like being number two on Call of Duty. I

45:02

like being number one. You do? I

45:04

can't be number two. Is that true? Because

45:07

of ego or what? No. I

45:10

wish I wasn't so fucking honest. I don't

45:12

know if it's ego. I don't know if it's, it's not an ego. So

45:15

I wouldn't mind being with bigger people. But

45:17

I got offered, I got fucking

45:19

edit yourself, Burt. Please

45:22

edit the names out. I got offered a movie

45:24

with, yeah,

45:27

edit those names out please. Very

45:29

casually, would you like to play a

45:31

part of this movie? I said, yeah, definitely.

45:34

I was like, well, hold on. Can I like, kind

45:36

of like going to the offices on

45:39

like a Tuesday and like fuck around and

45:41

like, like walk into a trailer and

45:43

say hi. And like, can I, am I going to be like, like

45:46

where will I be? And they're like, no, it's a

45:48

job. You'll show up for two days. And if they're

45:50

there, they're there. You had a small part. Very, very

45:52

small part. And I was like, well, now I think,

45:54

I want to be, I want

45:56

to be in the process. Yes. Okay. But that's different.

45:59

So being number, and being

46:01

like, I don't care where my, I've never looked

46:03

at a fucking call sheet in my life. But

46:05

here's why I say it, because being number two,

46:07

which is where I like to be two, three,

46:09

or four, because what that is is number one

46:12

has to carry the whole thing. And

46:14

when the big corporate machine comes around

46:16

and says, these are your obligations with

46:18

press, that's number one. Number

46:20

two, three, and four, they're just there to

46:23

help the team win. And

46:25

so I'm used to being around number ones. Certain

46:27

number ones are better than other number ones. But

46:29

when you see a number one and you get

46:31

to a set, and that number

46:33

one only, it's like sports. It's

46:36

the same idea of if your quarterback is the first one

46:38

to leave, first one to get there and last one to

46:40

leave, you got a better chance of winning. Your

46:42

number one is your quarterback. So I have

46:44

worked with certain number ones where I'm like,

46:46

well, you care about everybody. You care

46:48

about like the moments, you care about everybody

46:51

feeling right. When I did the mummy with

46:53

Tom Cruise. CC. CC, he wanted me

46:55

to- I love calling it CC. Do it. I've

46:57

never run into him and say, yo, what's up, CC?

46:59

He would like you. He wanted me to get thinner

47:01

and stronger because we were doing stunts together. So he's

47:03

like, it's dangerous because you got to keep up with

47:06

me in two shots. So we started training. I'm a

47:08

pudgy guy. So I started

47:10

dropping weight pretty quickly when I had to do his

47:12

stuff and eat the food that his chef was sending

47:14

me, right? So the director said

47:17

through the scripty, continuity wise, Jake's

47:19

looking a little bit different and

47:21

it might not track. The answer

47:24

there, if you're just concerned

47:26

about the movie is we

47:28

got to worry about the movie. Tom was concerned

47:30

about my life and he liked the path I

47:32

was going. He said, it doesn't matter, keep going.

47:36

And I was like, yo, you care about,

47:38

I mean, on a human level motherfucker as

47:40

number one. And no one in the audience

47:42

cared. But that was like an executive little

47:45

detail scripty. His face looks a little, and

47:47

Tom goes, Jake's into working out and

47:49

he's willing to eat this soup rather than the fries

47:51

and the burgers that he was bragging about. And when

47:53

he tried to pass on the movie, he wouldn't work

47:55

out. He likes doing workouts, which I still have in

47:57

my garage because of him. And like doing. I

48:00

like it now. Nomi, for example. That, to

48:02

me, is the other side of Hollywood that

48:04

doesn't get talked about because there's one voice

48:06

and that is the dark underbelly of Hollywood.

48:09

I've never seen that dark underbelly. I see

48:11

some egomaniacs who are bullshit and they're just

48:13

annoying kids and other people

48:15

who are fucking awesome humans who

48:17

are lifting everybody and I'm like

48:19

fucking more of you, motherfuckers. Here's

48:22

why, and I apologize to TC

48:24

if he's hearing this, here's

48:26

why I can't do a movie with TC. Because

48:30

I will suck up

48:32

to him nonstop. I will try

48:34

to become his friend. I probably will become his

48:36

friend. And then when he says

48:39

to me, yo, we're shooting in Sub-Saharan Africa

48:41

tomorrow, we're leaving London at like

48:43

three in the morning. So we did, Namibia.

48:46

I was on his private jet from London to

48:48

Namibia. And when he says, we're getting on the

48:50

private jet, I go cool. And when I get

48:52

on the private jet and see that it's just

48:54

waters, I'm gonna have a problem. That happened, that's my

48:56

real life. For real? This

48:59

story happened, Bert. Okay, so that's, I'm not saying I

49:01

wanna be number one, but I definitely have a weird

49:03

thing. Hold on, hold on, hold on, let me finish.

49:06

Your example of your nightmare was my nightmare.

49:08

We shot for three months in London, I

49:10

brought my wife and kids. Then

49:12

we had three weeks in Africa where I was doing all the

49:14

stunts. Did you tell me this story? Is that why I just

49:17

said it to you? Keep going, keep

49:19

going, keep going, keep going. So we had three weeks of

49:21

stunts. I was legit nervous. Not

49:23

fake nervous, real nervous. Like

49:26

scared. Like real pussy scared. Tom

49:29

Cruise breaks his ankle and keeps going. Yeah, that's

49:31

what I mean. And he also said to me the whole time, we're

49:34

gonna be in a two shot, keep up. So

49:37

I was scared. So my family, my wife and my

49:39

kids are flying from London back

49:41

home, I have three weeks of stunts, very little dialogue. We're

49:45

just every day grinding in Africa. I

49:48

have a flight from whatever airlines they

49:51

booked me on, first class. Got the fucking little

49:54

bed. I cannot wait to say goodbye to my family, who

49:56

I love. I'm

49:58

different, I'm a dad. Yeah, alone on

50:00

a plane. I'm back to being me. I'm a

50:02

degenerate fucking throw him back fat boy double jacket

50:04

The rocks. Yeah, whatever you want. You got any

50:07

snacks? Yeah, and then once you start getting nice

50:09

with the flight attendant Whatever you have for snacks.

50:11

I know I have a dairy thing. I'm gonna

50:13

deal with it later Fat

50:15

and old Jakey boy up because we

50:17

were having a nice 12 hours when

50:19

I land I'm back. I belong to him and

50:21

I'm gonna I'm gonna try my hardest, but I got

50:23

12 hours. I'm gonna let it rip Fuck yes, and

50:26

I was excited Honestly, and this is embarrassing to admit,

50:28

but it's like a fat kid around a candy store

50:30

I've been thinking about that flight for weeks and that's

50:32

a true story because I also knew like I don't

50:34

have the time to watch Like three or four movies

50:37

in real life. I'm like I'm busy. I'm always

50:39

grinded. I love grind it Yeah, so I'm like

50:41

12 hours to sit in a little cube and drink and

50:43

watch stuff. I don't have it I got it there and I'm

50:45

being paid I get a text

50:48

from Tom's people saying Tom would like you on his

50:50

private jet to run line Oh, and you

50:52

know, he's got a G6 Yeah,

50:55

what is the G6 maybe the big one with the bed in

50:57

the back yes, yeah, so I go is this negotiable

51:05

Cuz I got a ticket. I'm leaving in two days They're

51:07

like that Tom would like you and Annabelle Wallace

51:10

who's the lead in that and she's the best

51:12

The three of you are gonna go on and he wants to run lines and

51:15

I said like their alcohol on the plane

51:18

I love that. That was your first fucking question. You

51:20

got 12 hours man 12 hours on

51:22

a little and flying stuff No

51:25

alcohol and Tom flies

51:27

he flies. Yeah, well eyes Well, we

51:29

would get on his from set in Africa to the hotel

51:31

He would fly a helicopter and we would be on it

51:34

So he would fly it and the

51:36

way it would work and this is why you would love him Bert

51:39

full wardrobe Mike I'm

51:41

dressed like an army guy his head

51:43

of security Mario special forces animal

51:45

real animal would go Okay,

51:49

you're coming with us we leave now My

51:52

clothes are in my trailer. You don't go back you

51:54

sprint to the fucking helicopter You know who else is

51:56

running chubby little hair and makeup girls eight

52:00

people we're running with Tom why are

52:02

we running no reason you want to

52:04

know when the helicopter leaves when he

52:06

wants to leave we're running we're running

52:08

we get on we buckle in side

52:10

doors open take off then

52:12

he would go like this hey guys and then he'll be

52:15

look i've got on my phone i film him a bunch

52:17

because i'm like you're the weirdest guy i've ever met he

52:19

would go like you guys want to see the oldest part

52:21

of africa and i'm like yes oh i

52:23

take that back to you see how weird i'm

52:25

doing a heartbeat that's what i'm saying so then

52:28

you get on the plane right and i'm thinking

52:30

so this is gonna be 12 hours of work

52:32

we do 40 minutes of lines and then you realize

52:34

pretty quickly he just wanted some company and

52:37

there's no alcohol and then he's getting tired you

52:39

know we eat food's delicious but it's nine o'clock

52:41

we got nine hours ahead of him and

52:43

he's getting ready to go to bed and i'm like he kind

52:45

of fucked me you invited me to a sleepover party you don't

52:47

have nintendo i'm fucked my man so

52:50

then he goes you guys want to watch

52:53

a movie and anabelle who was uh anabelle

52:55

waltz is a killer she's so funny she

52:58

had the guts i didn't and she goes yeah

53:00

we're looking for a good movie you recommend anything and

53:02

he goes like yeah well there's i've got everything i've

53:04

got like apple tv or whatever he had and she

53:06

goes well can you pitch some

53:08

good movies and i go anything with tom cruise

53:10

in it he then pitched

53:12

his library as a joke burt

53:16

his bit timing we were

53:18

cry laughing he'd be like if you like

53:20

a romantic comedy with sports he would then

53:22

pitch that one everything he went line by

53:24

line what movie do i watch with tom

53:27

cruise on his jet with him pull

53:29

up hey can you do we have magnolia

53:32

born on the fourth of july bort no i'm

53:34

not watching that one that was depressing great

53:36

performance magnolia his performance in that is

53:39

incredible if i was on

53:41

a private jet with leonardo caprio first

53:44

movie without a fucking doubt gilbert grape

53:46

do arnie i want to see do arnie now as

53:49

an adult fuck yes i dude he

53:51

was so good as arnie he was so good as

53:53

arnie and you know we can still do it you

53:55

know i i hosted the golden globes first my first

53:57

opening line would you host one of these things Why

54:00

I'm fucking not that comic. I'm

54:02

not that coming. What meaning like it's I talk about

54:05

my life And I think I'm better to talk about

54:07

my life I would I've actually

54:09

thought in in watching the Golden Globes how I

54:11

would have approached it because I think it's hindsight

54:13

is 20 20 Yeah, I would have you think

54:15

he did I think it'd be great.

54:17

Yeah, I'm gonna see the show I just

54:19

saw backlash about him. Yeah, and I don't

54:22

know the man and then I saw

54:24

an eight-minute clip and I was like This

54:26

is what these are fun. This is a good

54:28

bit. No, it was You know, I don't

54:31

I didn't get to in the weeds on it

54:33

I like Joe and I and I when he

54:35

did I was so excited for him that everything

54:37

he said I was like fuck. Yeah, fuck. Yeah,

54:39

like sure there were some bombs in there But what

54:42

is here's the question to you then? What

54:44

do you think that is that all of a sudden

54:46

the headlines because the reason I know about I don't

54:48

watch those award shows I don't care about him.

54:50

I don't care really couldn't care less that

54:53

whole even I care and I don't care

54:55

I really don't care couldn't hear less never

54:58

and I've been to him when new girl was

55:00

getting nominated and spider-verse Even

55:03

while I was there I was on the stage during

55:05

the Academy Awards when we won It

55:07

doesn't there's you know certain things really like satisfy

55:09

you and feel good But when you said you

55:11

didn't care about money, I could not relate to

55:14

that Money is the

55:16

validation for me because that means it's

55:18

like real it's happening Numbers

55:20

the analytics I was talking to land about

55:22

this before when we first started those the

55:24

numbers matter So for the podcast

55:26

we're here to help when we started doing that I was

55:29

like I don't know Gareth was really pushing it. I'm

55:31

like, I don't want to do a fucking podcast. I

55:33

didn't get it He's like you're gonna not only like

55:35

it, but it's going to work You're gonna see when

55:37

we started those numbers because I study the numbers of

55:40

everything I do Are

55:42

dwarfing numbers of big corporate

55:44

stuff and I'm like by

55:46

the way Thank you for doing our show, but I'm like,

55:48

how could these numbers and at that time we didn't have

55:50

a studio Yeah exciting

56:00

man, but the idea of

56:02

an award show. You're

56:05

paying a publicist. You're paying a stylist. You

56:07

have to go to an event that is

56:09

not fun to be at for

56:11

a network to make money on ad sales and

56:14

then a guy like him who

56:16

does a set he got 10

56:18

days before how could the headlines

56:20

not be like great job man.

56:22

They need the news cycles have

56:24

learned what podcasting did originally which

56:26

was say wild shit and people tune

56:29

in and how interest it

56:31

does it doesn't it doesn't pay

56:33

to go joke pointed to

56:35

sell a job. Yes, all job man.

56:38

Can you believe this guy got it in 10 days had

56:40

10 days to prepare and this is what he did. It's

56:42

pretty good. You know a comic who

56:44

has never been who's never been in

56:46

the movies with the guy hung with

56:49

the I mean listen, I'm

56:51

not I'm definitely not and I have been in

56:53

the business, but I'm not in the business of

56:55

trash in comics. I've done it before but but

56:58

like I just I always try to find the

57:00

bright side of what people do and I all

57:02

I can tell you is I would have done

57:04

worse. Yeah, I would have done Joe killed it

57:06

in my perspective because me on there I would

57:09

have been nervous. I would have been sweating. Hey,

57:11

I would have been hurtless. Fuck

57:13

this guy my opening Joker already figured out like

57:15

in hindsight how I would have approached what would

57:18

it have been? I would

57:20

have said I would have

57:22

gone. I would have mentioned my

57:24

movie obviously guys. I'm

57:26

sure you guys all know me from my major motion picture.

57:28

The machine are in school. Stacy. I hope you saw it.

57:30

Yeah, great. DeNiro. We went

57:32

out to you pass big mistake. Killer

57:35

Flower Moon kind of long, but anyway, but

57:38

then I would immediately lean over the

57:40

cappers here who remember I would have

57:42

also that I'd only seen one

57:45

of those movies. Yeah, I'd only seen a

57:47

tenant. Not tenant Chris

57:49

Nolan. Yeah, Oppenheimer. So all my jokes would have been

57:51

our Oppenheimer. I would that's my angle is I would

57:53

have just been like hey, I've only seen one of

57:56

your movies. I'm not watching

57:58

them all so like but let's get into. it.

58:00

Hey Nick Cage is here. Did you see

58:02

Oppenheimer? So I want to hear fun trivia

58:04

to be to interrupt for a second about

58:07

what's eating Gilbert grape. Yeah. So

58:09

the I can tell you fun trivia too. Go

58:12

to 10 for that. Mine's gonna be more fun. Then

58:15

let me start with mine. Fine. The

58:17

mom lived

58:20

to like 74. Good for her.

58:22

Yeah right. God bless her. Same.

58:25

I also think you're lying. All right.

58:27

Google that. Google that. I could be lying.

58:29

I think that's a lie. I could. I'm

58:31

not lying but I think my memories are

58:33

weird. I read stuff and then I know

58:36

how it makes me feel. But you started

58:38

this with sucking dick doesn't make you gay

58:40

and I would be a bottom. Her mom

58:42

was her name was Bonnie grape? No.

58:45

What a fucking. Died in 2017 at the age of 69.

58:47

69 close enough. Maybe I

58:55

read the fact and I tell I tell you the

58:58

information of how the fact meant. Well also she lost

59:00

240 pounds in 2012. After a series of health issues

59:02

in 2010 that nearly killed the god damn

59:06

woman. I didn't read her. I didn't

59:08

read all. I'm like. Now if she stayed that.

59:10

You ready for another fact. Don't forget your fact.

59:13

I can't. This is a fact I feel like

59:15

I read. Yeah. But then I like to tell

59:17

everyone what I read. Okay. And it's probably not

59:19

accurate. You created drunk history. Yes.

59:22

No. I was just leave it at

59:24

that. You created drunk. No. I

59:26

was the original drunk for drunk history.

59:28

Yes. But you were talking to the

59:30

guy Derek Waters. Yeah. Who you would

59:32

love. What's eating the over grape. Don't

59:34

let me forget. You're OK. Keep going

59:36

though. This isn't. Yeah. So he and

59:38

I. So you and I

59:41

are similar in that we both like to party.

59:43

We both like to work hard. So especially pre

59:45

kids. So it was that I

59:47

didn't even work hard before. I phoned it in. I

59:49

love by the way for the first

59:54

time one I close. I

59:56

said pre kids and you're like I phoned

59:58

it in. Amazing. I

1:00:00

flex my white privilege I

1:00:06

am it's incredible. There's no reason anyone should like me

1:00:12

Anyway, you know you should make is a movie Then

1:00:16

Wilder again, but with you as the guy And

1:00:19

you know like Rodney dangerous we went back

1:00:22

to school. Yeah a back to school where

1:00:24

you're a fucking Whatever

1:00:26

you go back to school at a certain point in

1:00:28

your life, and you go you motherfuckers Don't know how

1:00:30

to party the way we used to I'm gonna show

1:00:32

you how to do Here's

1:00:44

my trivia the older sister in that

1:00:47

movie Mary Kate Shellheart I dated Throughout

1:00:50

we went to the same high school. We moved out

1:00:52

to it. We came out to LA together stayed in

1:00:54

a hot cake Yes,

1:00:57

she made yes. Yeah, Mary Kate Shellheart was in

1:00:59

my high school. We grew up together She

1:01:01

was the only actress in our whole town.

1:01:04

She had that movie poster in her basement.

1:01:06

She had Apollo 13 She's a really talented

1:01:08

woman She went to Carnegie Mellon and in

1:01:10

high school we ended up dating at the

1:01:12

end of high school into college And

1:01:15

I was around her during that whole period

1:01:17

as well. We came out here She had

1:01:19

a pilot season when we were 18 we

1:01:21

stayed at a hostel on Hollywood Boulevard while

1:01:23

she was auditioned I would walk with her

1:01:25

to audition and then that's

1:01:28

a pretty good trivia. Yes. It's good that way the mom

1:01:30

lives Mary Kate Shaw I

1:01:33

just watched that whole movie. She's a great

1:01:35

actress by the way I watched that whole

1:01:37

movie beginning to end the fucking awesome movie

1:01:40

really delivers I didn't realize that the

1:01:43

grandma and Julia Julia Louise Dreyfus

1:01:45

not Julia It's a different

1:01:47

movie with her grandma Lewis The

1:02:00

Oh that they left for a full year You

1:02:03

what they left Arnie and and Gilbert for a

1:02:05

full year at the end of the movie They

1:02:07

go for a full year on the

1:02:09

road with their caravan and come back and pick them

1:02:11

up wild I know I it really is

1:02:13

a great movie. You want to hear another trivia about Johnny Depp? You

1:02:17

might know this Hold on. Let's

1:02:19

take our time. Are you big JD guy? I got

1:02:22

a voicemail from them saying Bert

1:02:27

Johnny Hey, I understand

1:02:29

you like to have a couple drinks like the party

1:02:32

Go on over my house. Really? We'll

1:02:35

text you the address. Do you have it? I Fucking

1:02:38

new phone because goddamn fucking internet

1:02:42

and I lost No

1:02:44

me I gave out my phone number and so Smartest

1:02:48

guy and and Honey,

1:02:50

yeah, Johnny Depp and I was at a Christmas

1:02:53

party With my kids and

1:02:55

I left I said guys Johnny Depp called

1:02:58

I'm gonna go party with Johnny Depp and he wasn't

1:03:01

there It's been thought

1:03:03

at his house. It was once this house spent

1:03:05

the night in his house Partied by myself

1:03:08

with Stan Hope Stan Hope was there the

1:03:10

weirdest story I've ever heard we ended up

1:03:12

He's like Johnny should be back any minute

1:03:14

now. Hold on Johnny Depp invited you to

1:03:16

a party. Mm-hmm You went he wasn't there

1:03:18

Doug Stan. Hope was there and me and

1:03:20

Stan Hope stayed in Johnny Depp's house Just

1:03:23

drinking cold beers and then

1:03:25

whiskey and then I slept in Johnny Depp's bed Really

1:03:29

Johnny Depp's bed and it was like

1:03:31

John Snow's bed. There's like a wolf

1:03:34

I'm being serious. I mean, I'm sorry

1:03:36

Johnny. It was like it was like the

1:03:39

crazy I mean I spent the whole night walking through

1:03:41

his house looking at his shit and it was like

1:03:43

you get maniac not to Johnny

1:03:46

Depp's my big white whale. I got a couple big

1:03:48

white whales. I want to party with it Yeah, who

1:03:50

are they top three? Well, I I

1:03:53

know this isn't popular But

1:03:55

I want to catch Ben Affleck on a on

1:03:57

a all off the wagon night. I want to

1:03:59

catch him fun like I want to be

1:04:01

a Ben Affleck when he's so I have a sad

1:04:03

Ben Affleck story and it was the beginning of

1:04:05

when I realized my career wasn't what I thought it

1:04:08

was gonna be it

1:04:10

was you know you have your dreams yeah oh I

1:04:12

still have them yes and your dreams for me my

1:04:14

dream was always like doing cool stuff

1:04:16

and cool people thinking it was

1:04:18

cool right and you know just

1:04:20

doing the good whatever the quote-unquote the good stuff is

1:04:22

that was the idea yeah and no not

1:04:25

for me and new girl started

1:04:28

and I knew it wasn't

1:04:30

the cool show but he had a fan

1:04:32

base and when you go back to the five

1:04:34

grand I was making money I had never been making that's

1:04:36

pretty fired up so we get

1:04:39

an idea to they contact us and say do

1:04:41

you want to host an award show called like

1:04:43

the do right awards and I

1:04:45

said no thank you I'm not a host and they

1:04:47

said a LeMorn would really like to and the rate

1:04:49

was something like 20 grand a little more the morn

1:04:52

who's in the show with me really good I

1:04:55

love the idea of a little more about

1:04:57

that you were referred to as a

1:04:59

little more wait wait wait wait wait is he the black

1:05:01

dude yes yeah okay oh he's one

1:05:03

of them Damon's the other black dude yeah yeah

1:05:06

Damon was in the pilot men I can you

1:05:08

know I costed him one night about oh wait

1:05:10

were we gonna call Damon oh we're

1:05:12

face timing Damon to find out if he finds a defensive on

1:05:14

British dudes who black dudes act that should I call him right

1:05:16

now don't forget the Ben Affleck story

1:05:20

okay so anyhow they

1:05:23

say that LeMorn Damon Wayne's junior knows who

1:05:25

I am yeah Damon

1:05:28

is an everyday text buddy really

1:05:30

yeah love them love we've

1:05:33

tried to put things together he is the

1:05:35

best to work with he's an unthinkably good

1:05:37

writer great stand-up his

1:05:39

family is pedigree matters that shit

1:05:41

matters his family's oh geez you

1:05:43

notice they didn't come up with

1:05:45

cap Williams you know it's hard

1:05:48

about being around somebody who's like pedigree like that

1:05:50

when you look at your family lineage and you

1:05:53

go like you got Damon

1:05:55

senior you got all these uncle's these

1:05:57

cousins I look at my group and

1:05:59

I'm I'm like, what are

1:06:01

we doing? I got

1:06:03

a lot of those big fuck by a

1:06:06

fucking dude. I got a guy who bragged

1:06:08

about getting a blowjob from a man and

1:06:11

then hustled me a chest. So I love chess now,

1:06:13

but Eddie used to play chess with me and he

1:06:15

was like, you know, my dad wasn't on growing up.

1:06:17

I felt like, I guess this is fatherhood. He

1:06:20

goes, let me teach you to play chess. We would play chess every

1:06:22

day. He would teach me. And then all of

1:06:25

a sudden I started beating him. Was that dad character in

1:06:27

the movie? Did it have anything with you or really not?

1:06:30

So my dad in real life was a cocaine gato.

1:06:32

Yeah, I remember we talked about this. And we got

1:06:34

from two to 17, but then we became the best

1:06:36

of friends. Yeah. And then, hold

1:06:38

on. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Go

1:06:41

to Benafleck and then I wanna know, fucking

1:06:45

God damn it, Burt. Keep going. Benafleck,

1:06:48

Benafleck. I'm so bad at tracking.

1:06:50

I just let the conversation go where it goes.

1:06:53

But I've listened to podcasts where the

1:06:55

host doesn't listen and it drives

1:06:57

me fucking nuts. I'm working really hard on listening. You're

1:06:59

doing a good job. Also, your body's looking good, Burt.

1:07:01

That's all I care about. I was in the gym

1:07:03

with you when you were fat or staring at a

1:07:05

fat photo of you throwing out a first pitch. And

1:07:07

you must've said 10 times, I hate that photo. I

1:07:10

fucking hate that photo. I hate that photo. And

1:07:12

a lot of fat guys have said that and then you see

1:07:14

them six months later and you go, you're that photo? Yeah.

1:07:17

You might hate it, my guy. You lost three

1:07:19

pounds and you're going, dude, I'm walking up hills

1:07:21

now. And I go, you're still about 300 pounds?

1:07:23

Oh, dude, I can do a sit up now.

1:07:25

Keep going, keep going. Benafleck. The

1:07:28

way the award show did it, they told each of us

1:07:30

the other ones wanted to do it and we were all

1:07:32

good friends on that show. So I go, I don't want

1:07:34

to keep money out of their mouth to all do it.

1:07:36

So long story short, we're hosting an award show, which I

1:07:38

didn't know what it was. I didn't do any homework on

1:07:41

it. We get to this thing. It's a

1:07:43

big hanger in Santa Monica. Teleprompter's

1:07:45

hosting, not my gag. I'm not a stand

1:07:47

up. Not what I like, not what

1:07:49

I aspire to. So I didn't even look

1:07:51

at the bits. So one of

1:07:53

them was we're dressed in white pants and

1:07:55

red shirts and we're doing like a boys

1:07:58

band thing. And my vibe is... I

1:08:00

don't care what my thoughts are until you get

1:08:02

on stage and then fucking sell it. Yeah,

1:08:05

whatever you think before Once

1:08:08

the lights come on. I'm a believer in Now

1:08:11

dance motherfucker because this is what you do for

1:08:13

a living. So have your cool

1:08:15

opinion the lights go on That's

1:08:21

our job, yeah, and I believe with that's what we do

1:08:24

we have great lives for it shut the fuck up and

1:08:26

dance So that's what we're doing. So

1:08:28

we're doing like some stupid bits. I'm reading the teleprompter.

1:08:30

I'm dyslexic as fuck So I'm reading slow Don't

1:08:33

mispronounce easy words and look like you're a true idiot

1:08:36

I'm going at one point I'm on max

1:08:38

Greenfield's back as he's doing push-ups, but

1:08:40

I don't even know the bit we're doing But I do

1:08:42

know nobody's laughing. I Know

1:08:45

that we're in front of thousands of people going

1:08:47

hate these guys. Yeah, and I'm literally going like

1:08:49

this I think yeah I look to the side

1:08:51

of the stage and there's a bunch of people

1:08:53

sitting on the side watching to who I hadn't

1:08:55

noticed yet Cuz I was looking this way. Yeah,

1:08:57

and Ben Affleck's in the front row I

1:09:00

guess he had something he was being awarded for

1:09:02

for his good behavior and he was

1:09:04

doing the mad Ben Affleck and We

1:09:07

finished the thing and I get backstage and I go to max

1:09:09

Greenfield and I go like fuck Ben

1:09:11

Affleck He really hates us and he was

1:09:14

like, yeah, man Our show is not for

1:09:16

cool people your career is not what you

1:09:18

thought I think that's like the hate you

1:09:20

and he was just doing Argo and I

1:09:22

had this moment of like he's right Dude,

1:09:25

but that's the fuck That's

1:09:28

the thing. I was telling you about that

1:09:30

Bernie Mac clip. Yes, and the

1:09:32

thing is You

1:09:35

don't have to be for everybody. Yeah agreed

1:09:37

You really don't have to be for everyone

1:09:39

and I will never be accepted By

1:09:42

the Hollywood elite and I only know that

1:09:44

because I was never accepted by the comedy

1:09:46

elite The comedy lead it wasn't

1:09:48

until I started doing arenas the comedy elite

1:09:50

started reaching out and being like hey

1:09:52

Can I you know, I'd love to be on your podcast and then

1:09:54

and you're like, I've been a fan of you for fucking 20 years

1:09:57

Of course, but even still even if they lie, so Here's

1:10:00

what I will say on that, because I'm going through a

1:10:02

huge change that connects to that. I've

1:10:04

always thought you make projects for critics

1:10:07

to like, so that the town likes.

1:10:09

And that means the gatekeepers allow you

1:10:11

to make another one. What this

1:10:13

new era of podcasting people have showed

1:10:15

me, the only thing that matters is

1:10:17

the audience. That seems

1:10:20

so basic, but that has not

1:10:22

been the structure of the game. The structure

1:10:24

of the game is the Hollywood

1:10:26

elite, whatever that thing is, and that shit's

1:10:28

not this fake dark conspiracy. People pretend it's

1:10:30

one thing, it's not. High school,

1:10:33

just a few people. But those

1:10:35

agents, those managers, those PR, whatever that circle

1:10:37

is, I don't know, I'm not in it. They

1:10:40

need to approve, the critics all need to approve

1:10:42

whatever this agenda is, whatever it is I'm trying

1:10:44

to do. And if you're in there, you're gonna

1:10:47

get lifted up. But then when they decide to

1:10:49

knock you down, you're knocked down. Then

1:10:51

over here is an ocean of audience.

1:10:54

And I'm like, why are we facing this

1:10:56

way? Shouldn't we be

1:10:58

doing what we all did when we started? When

1:11:00

I started up, I had a two man comedy show with

1:11:02

my buddy Oliver Rylin. We toured the country with it. We

1:11:04

wrote a sketch show and we improvised. We

1:11:06

would just go directly to audience. If

1:11:09

the audience didn't laugh, we would

1:11:11

sit in the apartment, get really mad and rewrite

1:11:13

it. Now all of a sudden

1:11:15

it changed as opposed to like, well, what

1:11:17

did everybody think? Well, the audience didn't

1:11:19

seem to like it, but we got these notes. The notes

1:11:21

are good, so we're good. And now I'm going back to

1:11:24

this for the first time in years, it makes me feel

1:11:26

like I'm 25 again. The

1:11:28

only thing that matters is the

1:11:30

fucking audience. Who cares about all

1:11:32

this other shit? If people show

1:11:34

up for you, you're winning. I

1:11:36

would argue even sometimes it

1:11:39

benefits you to do stuff. And

1:11:41

I'm using Rogan as the example of this, but

1:11:44

I know for a fact, and you

1:11:46

triggered me when you said the word, and

1:11:49

if they didn't like it, you went back here. I

1:11:52

remember I got offered the man

1:11:54

show at a really

1:11:56

weird time. It was gone for

1:11:58

a while. Right. I got

1:12:01

a call I was in Edmonton and they said hey, we want

1:12:03

to give you the man show Would

1:12:05

you do it and immediately I was like fuck? Yeah.

1:12:07

Yeah. I mean I have come any

1:12:09

huge respect for Kimmel

1:12:11

for Corolla for Joe for

1:12:13

Doug and I was like the

1:12:16

second thing was Rogan and Doug's tan. Oh, yeah They

1:12:18

did it again weird and so I called Joe Apologize

1:12:21

Joe if I'm speaking out of school, but you're my

1:12:23

friend and I'll apologize to you in person But

1:12:26

Joe told me do not do it You'll be

1:12:28

putting TV time out and he said

1:12:30

that's the way this business works They put you in

1:12:32

TV time out and I've been there and you don't

1:12:34

want to be there and he's like just Things

1:12:37

are changing and you can do your own thing. Just

1:12:39

do your own thing Like just do it. I'm not

1:12:41

saying that he said do it with Tom But I

1:12:43

know for a fact that I the next call I

1:12:45

made was Tom I said hey, I got

1:12:47

off the man show do you want to do it with me and Tom

1:12:49

said no He said we could just do it and

1:12:52

ultimately I think we did do our version

1:12:54

of it our thing But

1:12:56

but you're you're you're totally right, but I

1:12:58

would argue in the same token is that

1:13:00

Joe taught us that

1:13:02

not and And I

1:13:05

say this with massive respect is that he

1:13:07

would do things that as an

1:13:10

audience members Joe's audience I've always been a fan

1:13:12

of Joe's yeah That um,

1:13:15

I didn't know I liked I didn't know what

1:13:17

I wanted I didn't know but Joe

1:13:19

is like you trust me. I'm curious as

1:13:21

fuck. He is the most curious man. You'll ever

1:13:23

meet Trust me as

1:13:26

as my fan and I promise

1:13:28

I'll bring you good shit And that's the

1:13:30

other part of that is that the industry never trusted

1:13:32

anybody they trusted Martin Scorsese They trusted their shirt. They

1:13:34

trusted the big names, but they didn't they were like

1:13:36

I need to put my fingers on that I need

1:13:39

to make it dirty No one would have ever let

1:13:41

Joe bring in people that denied AIDS Who's

1:13:43

podcast for three and a half hours by listening

1:13:45

that episode I can tell you skateboard listen to

1:13:48

it Fascinated called Joe was like dude. I I

1:13:50

don't know what the fuck you're doing, but man

1:13:52

you got me listening to shit I would never

1:13:54

listen to and I love it because it's shit

1:13:56

out of my realm Yeah, and that's the other

1:13:58

cool thing about what's going on is like Like you can

1:14:00

trust in yourself and go, I wanna make the

1:14:02

thing, I wanna make the thing that

1:14:04

I think the fans like. And even I wanna- But

1:14:06

here's the catch with that, because I totally agree. So

1:14:08

what we're finding in our podcast and why I'm getting

1:14:10

addicted to it, is you get to

1:14:12

see the numbers. So we'll have a thing like, there

1:14:15

was a guy who was dressing up like, or pretending

1:14:17

to be me in bars, right? So

1:14:19

this really happened. I talked about it

1:14:21

on Kimmel, but I

1:14:24

got a note from a girl. I get a DM from some random

1:14:26

20 year old girl. And I look at the DMs, as much

1:14:28

as I can. I think it's fun to go back and forth. Some

1:14:30

random girl said, it was really nice to meet you last night.

1:14:33

I don't go out a lot at night. Yeah. So

1:14:36

I go, I go, you didn't meet me last night.

1:14:38

And she goes, yes I did at the Raindance Festival. And

1:14:40

you gave me such sweet advice. And

1:14:42

I said like, I need to be very clear.

1:14:45

The person who gave you advice wasn't me. And she sent

1:14:47

me a photo of the guy.

1:14:49

Please let me see this. It

1:14:51

was, yeah, that guy. So

1:14:53

she sent me that. I know. So

1:14:56

then I said to my wife, I go, what do

1:14:58

you think? And she goes, same eyes.

1:15:00

Right? So I was like, okay. So then I said to

1:15:03

her, I said to the girl, I go like this, I need

1:15:05

to be crystal clear with you. Did this

1:15:07

dude try to fuck you? Because

1:15:09

if he did, I'm gonna be honest, as

1:15:12

a dad of daughters, I hate this

1:15:14

motherfucker. So- with

1:15:17

my name anyway. Anyway, but either way. Call

1:15:19

me up. I know, but- Double Teamer. I'm

1:15:21

kidding. But

1:15:23

as it turned, I was like, I had

1:15:26

that feeling of like, this shit could get dark. She

1:15:28

said, no. She

1:15:30

goes, he was really sweet and he

1:15:33

bought a top shelf booze for all

1:15:35

of us. And he really cared about

1:15:37

all of our relationships. So I was

1:15:39

like, all right, this shit's funny. So

1:15:41

then I found out, his friend owns

1:15:43

a Viagra company called Mango. So

1:15:46

I go, what? So she goes, yeah, they

1:15:48

were giving like free mango out. So I got on

1:15:50

Instagram, I found Mango, I found the guy. I had

1:15:52

a photo of him. So I sent this guy Jacob

1:15:55

Cohen who runs Mango a photo. Yes.

1:15:57

And I said, hey bud, you

1:16:00

were with a guy pretending

1:16:02

to be me, I have proof of

1:16:04

it. I'm

1:16:06

not like, I know you guys didn't try to fuck anybody.

1:16:09

I know you're not creeps. Let's have this fun, right?

1:16:11

But I need fake Jake's info. And I'd posted

1:16:13

things on Instagram like, fake Jake, I'm coming for

1:16:15

you, I need to talk to you, bud. We

1:16:17

have to have this chat. And he wrote back

1:16:19

like, I promise you, it's nothing dark,

1:16:21

here's his info. So I contact the guy and

1:16:23

I say like, hey man, I'm not

1:16:25

coming after you, I'm not that guy. I'm not setting you up

1:16:27

for me and Garris to kill you. We're gonna be nice. But

1:16:30

just come on the show and let's figure this out. So

1:16:33

fake Jake comes on the podcast, we do a whole

1:16:35

thing. We're here to help, which is, you know, call,

1:16:37

well, we're helping me figure this out. So we have

1:16:40

him on, we do the thing. We

1:16:42

didn't have to run that by anybody. It's just

1:16:44

a two off. That's not the structure of our

1:16:46

show. We go right back to calls. Had I

1:16:48

pitched that, and I know this because I had

1:16:50

a company at 20th Century for five years. I

1:16:53

had a production company. I've developed movies, TV shows,

1:16:55

I've done all that. As soon

1:16:57

as I pitched that, people go, here's

1:17:00

the problem with it. The

1:17:02

fake Jake is not your premise. You're

1:17:04

right. But we just wanna give the

1:17:07

audience this and I think they're gonna like it.

1:17:09

And I think the audience was smart enough to

1:17:11

then realize it's just a two off. And they

1:17:13

were. And that was when my beginning

1:17:15

went like, if I had to

1:17:17

pitch this, it dies. But if I just give it

1:17:19

to the audience, we'll see. And if people don't like

1:17:21

calls, we started doing too much shit about sex. We

1:17:24

started seeing our numbers go down and a bunch of people were writing

1:17:26

in like, hey man, I'm

1:17:28

a mother with a young kid grossing me out. And even

1:17:30

my wife went like, I'm doing dishes. Hearing about an orgy

1:17:32

is gross. We went like, it's really funny

1:17:34

to me, but let's cool back a little

1:17:36

bit. The numbers went up. The way I

1:17:38

look at life, especially with my marriage, and

1:17:40

I think sometimes I go too far north

1:17:43

on it. But like,

1:17:45

I'm in a weird relationship. I'm

1:17:47

in a weird person, because I wasn't a

1:17:49

big sex guy to begin with. I am

1:17:51

a sex guy, I love sex. And

1:17:54

me make, shoot. Quick question for you. Sex

1:17:57

people, women, women, women. I'm

1:18:00

not a school cut it, but I don't think I

1:18:02

am. Actually I know I'm not. I know I'm not. So

1:18:04

now that you're doing testosterone, does it change

1:18:06

that? My dick's hard all the time. Is

1:18:09

it? Yeah. It's hard when it shouldn't be

1:18:11

hard. God damn it. As a matter of fact, we have a

1:18:13

hard time cutting it if

1:18:15

this makes you uncomfortable. We have a hard time because my

1:18:17

dick will be hard, but I won't be able to have

1:18:19

an orgasm. And that's never happened

1:18:21

to me. Never happened to me.

1:18:23

Leanne called it the other night. I hope this

1:18:25

isn't streaming downstairs. Leanne called it the other night.

1:18:27

She was like, no, I know where we're going

1:18:29

with this. And this will be like an hour.

1:18:32

Because it just is hard. So you're an animal. It's

1:18:34

hard all the fucking time. And what's your goal? Where

1:18:36

are you getting with your body? Just become. No.

1:18:39

The blow mode. What

1:18:41

was the goal, Bernie? Because you're

1:18:44

changing physically. Oh. Are

1:18:46

you gonna try to be six pack guy? I

1:18:48

mean, I would love to. I

1:18:50

remember hearing people say to me a lot

1:18:52

in my life, if I lost weight, I

1:18:54

wouldn't be funny anymore. I don't

1:18:56

think that's... By the way, I think I never

1:18:58

thought I was funny to begin with. So

1:19:00

I don't know what you're talking about. If you're

1:19:03

telling me it was my belly, I'll gain it

1:19:05

back. No, I would... I

1:19:09

don't, I'm still fat. Like if

1:19:11

I take my shirt off, I'm still like, I'm still 230 pounds

1:19:14

is still overweight. I

1:19:16

would love to be in

1:19:19

shape and feel that only because of

1:19:21

health benefits of like, it feels good

1:19:24

to get out of a couch. To

1:19:27

swiftly get out of a couch or to... Like

1:19:29

today I was doing knees to chest like

1:19:32

things and it felt good to have full

1:19:34

range of motion. All that

1:19:36

feels good. I just wanna feel good.

1:19:38

Like it's my same thing with drinking. It's

1:19:40

like, I don't wanna quit drinking, but I

1:19:43

definitely wanna measure it so that I

1:19:45

can keep drinking. That's what my buddy Steve Berge

1:19:47

said. He did a sweet guy,

1:19:49

did a podcast called Hi Strangers and he's

1:19:51

my old party buddy. And he

1:19:53

said to me with drinking, he was

1:19:55

like, I had a period when I moved to

1:19:57

Atwater, we rented a house and all.

1:20:00

All of a sudden a bunch of Hollywood was

1:20:02

coming to the TG bar with me and

1:20:04

my house, my backyard became like the center

1:20:06

and I would make big fire pits and we were

1:20:09

drinking like crazy. It was early New Girl. I love

1:20:11

it. I love it. You got money.

1:20:13

And by the way, your demographic is all fucking

1:20:15

chicks who are like, he gets

1:20:17

us. Well, I mean, sadly, they got

1:20:19

people I'm talking about were not like chicks coming

1:20:21

over. It was like young director dudes. That's so

1:20:23

cool as shit. It was. Being

1:20:26

around, being around. I would argue

1:20:28

in a in a pivot that

1:20:30

I would rather be around creatives than

1:20:33

hot chicks. Same with me. So,

1:20:35

and guess what? Here's the best when it's both. When

1:20:38

you've got like there's hot chicks that are

1:20:40

creative. So what we were starting to form

1:20:42

in that Atwater is people who weren't blowing

1:20:44

up yet but were further along than me.

1:20:47

And what was happening is we were meeting at the TG

1:20:49

and we were walking to my back, my house in the

1:20:51

backyard, having a fire, smoke and join some party and all

1:20:53

that. Okay. It

1:20:56

was really a fun era. And this was right at

1:20:58

the beginning of New Girl right after Pay Part. There

1:21:00

was a few movies that I was doing where I

1:21:02

was like, anybody I would meet, it's kind of what

1:21:04

you guys do with podcasts, which I'm now trying to

1:21:06

copy. You meet somebody, you like them, you bring them

1:21:08

into the fold. But we were just doing that.

1:21:11

By the way, I can't take credit

1:21:13

for any of that nor can any podcaster. Joe

1:21:15

Rogan gets entire credit for that because he was the first

1:21:18

one to say we're all on the same team. Yeah,

1:21:20

which is really cool. It's dude. It's really

1:21:22

cool. When comedy goes down

1:21:24

in history, Joe Rogan's name

1:21:26

will be right next to

1:21:28

Rodney Dangerfield's as a dude who brought young

1:21:31

comics up. Yeah, that's neat. It's

1:21:33

true. But keep going, Atwater Village. But

1:21:35

so I had a moment where what I was doing was

1:21:37

I was drinking a ton of stolle

1:21:40

because you're partying with everybody. And I was on

1:21:42

TV so I couldn't get too fat. And then

1:21:44

what I would realize is when everybody left and

1:21:46

I'm putting the fire out, you're smoking

1:21:48

the last joint of the night. I

1:21:51

had this great realization and that was if

1:21:54

I just go to bed now, I'm

1:21:56

getting the spins. I'm crashing on a couch.

1:21:59

I feel like shit. tomorrow's terrible. I

1:22:01

take one bad minute. I

1:22:04

barf in my backyard. In the

1:22:06

morning, the coons eat it, man. You don't

1:22:08

even see it. So my

1:22:10

thought was one bad minute for

1:22:13

a full day, and guess what? I'm

1:22:15

drunk, I can live through a bad minute. Man,

1:22:18

it's the equivalent of you getting butt fucked, right? And

1:22:20

why don't you, put me in this, okay. Put me

1:22:22

in the bad minute and let me vacation with that

1:22:24

dude. And let me enjoy it. Yeah, let me enjoy,

1:22:26

I probably will. I hear prostate exams, or orgasms are

1:22:29

pretty intense. Prosette exams? No,

1:22:31

I've been Googling prostate. Have you

1:22:33

had a prostate exam yet? Yep.

1:22:36

Yeah. No, I

1:22:39

had a colonoscopy. You had a colonoscopy? But I did the

1:22:41

PS. I did the PS exam.

1:22:43

I'm really nervous about that. Oh, don't. Really?

1:22:46

Don't, you don't have it. That's the whole thing. I

1:22:48

mean, this to anyone is nervous. Yeah, really nervous.

1:22:50

My dad didn't get his first one until he

1:22:53

was like 65. That's

1:22:55

when you're nervous. Yeah, if

1:22:57

you're shitting blood, if you're shitting blood, that's when

1:22:59

you're nervous. If you get it,

1:23:01

that's the thing about doctors, god damn it, I

1:23:03

wanna get back to the subject we were talking

1:23:05

about. So the thing about doctors that are really,

1:23:08

that is, they should relax you if

1:23:10

you're listening and you're nervous about getting

1:23:12

a cardiologist, or getting a prostate exam,

1:23:14

or getting a colonoscopy, is

1:23:16

that if you don't have any

1:23:19

signs right now, you can

1:23:21

stop it all. You can stop

1:23:23

it all. Everything's fixable. Everything's fixable. Here's some scary birth,

1:23:25

right here, some scary? God damn it, please tell me

1:23:27

I'm wrong. Go ahead. No, I don't know if you're

1:23:29

wrong. Yeah. A buddy of mine, one

1:23:31

of my kids have their best friends, right, there's a little

1:23:34

gang that we've grown up with. So these five little girls,

1:23:36

and three of them are two. Yeah. I

1:23:38

know them all like little cousins. The dad over there is

1:23:40

a brain surgeon. We used to

1:23:42

share a backyard, we cut a hole in the fence, the

1:23:44

kids all grew up together. Love those little kids. So get

1:23:46

really close with the parents. He

1:23:48

and I were talking one day, and having a couple of

1:23:50

drinks, and he had a rough day at work, or whatever.

1:23:53

And he goes, you know the fifth leading cause of death

1:23:55

in America? And I go,

1:23:57

no, and he goes, checking into the hospital. Have

1:24:02

a great night. Thank you guys so much for having me.

1:24:05

Self Reliance January 12th on Hulu. We're

1:24:07

here to help. Anywhere you can get

1:24:09

your podcast. And guess what? We're on

1:24:11

YouTube too. And

1:24:14

TikTok. How scary

1:24:16

is that? You want

1:24:18

to know why? Infections and you know why else?

1:24:20

Mistakes. Because guess what? You know who's

1:24:22

operating on your bird? Oh, who's opening your chest?

1:24:24

A guy who drank too much the night before.

1:24:27

Because these are not robots my guy.

1:24:29

These are just fucking these are just

1:24:31

fucking goobers man. Who

1:24:34

studied facts. My dad

1:24:36

just got a surgery like four

1:24:39

hours ago. Yeah. Oh wow. And

1:24:41

his nerve block didn't take. Yeah.

1:24:43

So how was the pain? He

1:24:45

goes, are you serious? They

1:24:48

gave me a brand new hip and I didn't

1:24:50

have any painkillers in me. I can't I honestly

1:24:53

it scares me so that my dad before

1:24:55

he passed I had a moment where I

1:24:57

was having like a urinary tract infection or

1:24:59

something and I was really scared. And I

1:25:01

go dad I think

1:25:04

what they have to do is put a camera up my dick hole

1:25:07

and he's like okay because he

1:25:09

had cancer. I

1:25:11

understand you're going through your panic and I'm

1:25:13

like not panicking. I might just be willing

1:25:15

to die from this. I would rather die

1:25:17

from this. I've done that with tooth problems.

1:25:20

Keep going. I would rather die than check

1:25:22

this out. And he gave me great advice.

1:25:24

And he said whenever you go to any sort

1:25:26

of doctor you tell them I have a high

1:25:28

tolerance to drugs and a low

1:25:30

tolerance to pain. And

1:25:33

I did it. I did it with

1:25:35

a dentist. They said I had to like get

1:25:37

something ripped out in the back and

1:25:39

I gave the the crockle that's my dad's nickname

1:25:41

his thing. They drugged me

1:25:43

to a level where I was like America's

1:25:47

great. What's coming

1:25:49

down. I really love

1:25:51

my country. I think I

1:25:53

like it here. And I was

1:25:56

like oh that works. So that's my only saving grace my

1:25:58

only saving. The other thing I think about. when I

1:26:00

get older when diseases start. I started

1:26:02

doing jiu-jitsu, and the reason I started

1:26:04

doing jiu-jitsu is not because I like it, or because

1:26:06

I'm good at it, because I'm bad at it. And

1:26:08

I got hurt literally by stretching. And

1:26:11

that's a sad truth reality. I have taken a

1:26:13

month off because I got hurt literally doing a

1:26:15

roll, not fighting people. But

1:26:18

we are about to enter the phase where we're gonna

1:26:20

have to start fighting some real stuff, and

1:26:22

we better be tough. Old

1:26:25

people are the toughest motherfuckers

1:26:27

on planet Earth, because they fight it.

1:26:29

They're fighting broken hips. You'll

1:26:31

see a 70, 80 year old person, you'll see

1:26:33

them, you'll see them all fragile, and you're like, you're

1:26:35

fucking tougher than me. If you're still on planet Earth,

1:26:38

and you're in your mid-eights, the

1:26:40

shit you've dealt with, where they're like, couldn't

1:26:42

take a dump, it turned into a rock, I

1:26:45

have to pull it out with my hands. I'm like,

1:26:47

pass, I'd rather die. These

1:26:49

guys do that, they call that Wednesday. I

1:26:55

could. I'd rather die, Bert. I don't

1:26:57

know. I

1:26:59

don't know if there was a calendar where

1:27:02

God could point to it and go, that's a

1:27:05

day you should die. Everything after that really sucks.

1:27:07

I listened to this great podcast about, I think

1:27:09

it was Heavyweight, which was

1:27:11

an awesome podcast, about somebody

1:27:14

who went to Sweden, and

1:27:16

had a, you know, Alzheimer's or

1:27:18

dementia knew it was gonna happen, so

1:27:21

they just went out there, and they

1:27:23

found a doctor who ended their life,

1:27:26

and it was from the wife's point of view, and

1:27:28

it was the whole story of it, hysterically

1:27:31

crying as sweet as it gets, and the

1:27:33

greatest ending. The guy she said, he was

1:27:35

such a chatter, he talked to everybody all

1:27:37

the time, and was really asking questions, and

1:27:39

minutes before he died, he's asking the nurses where

1:27:41

he'd be like, so where'd you go to high

1:27:44

school, honey? And

1:27:46

she's like, and then all of a sudden, he got

1:27:48

a little tired, he's like, ooh, I gotta lay down,

1:27:50

and he's like, well, one last question, he's like, so

1:27:52

you're telling me that's the best coffee shop in town?

1:27:55

And she goes, then he laid down, and closed his eyes

1:27:57

and died, and I felt like, oh. That's

1:28:00

the way to go. Again, self-reliance! That's

1:28:02

the way to go. I

1:28:06

said to Leanne the other day, I kind of want to go

1:28:08

fighting an animal. No, you

1:28:10

don't. I do. I'll tell you

1:28:12

why. No, because I heard. Why? I

1:28:15

saw footage today, actually, of two

1:28:17

tigers killing a version of a

1:28:19

wild pig. Its intestines

1:28:21

had been ripped out. No, no, no, no,

1:28:24

no. But it hadn't died yet. Okay,

1:28:26

maybe I was wrong. So if you fight an animal,

1:28:28

they don't go like this. Before

1:28:31

we eat this chubby stomach and these thighs full of

1:28:33

meat, let's make sure he's not suffering. They go like

1:28:35

this, we got this, motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, maybe they're wrong.

1:28:37

You're inside the rip, you're going like this. No! They'll

1:28:40

do what they want to you. I just think

1:28:42

I don't know if I want to sit with it for a

1:28:45

few years. I don't want to. I don't know if I

1:28:47

want to sit with it or if it just happens to me. Yeah. And

1:28:50

I think in my delusional brain, I

1:28:52

got this. Agreed. And then realize, fuck,

1:28:54

is that my lower half swimming over there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like

1:28:57

I don't know. I think about death way too much.

1:28:59

Me too. I think about it every

1:29:01

morning. Me too. Confident, right? Every morning

1:29:03

I think about it. So do you think with

1:29:05

your new longevity stuff, what

1:29:08

do you see about that? Because for a lot of

1:29:10

people who aren't doing that, who don't have those guys

1:29:13

myself included, what does that mean? What is this guy

1:29:15

doing for you? What's he helping with? They take

1:29:19

Ways2Well as my company that I work with out

1:29:21

of Austin. I'll say

1:29:23

it too. If you guys want to Ways2Well out

1:29:25

of Austin. Shout out to Brigham. Shout out to

1:29:27

Brigham. Brigham has hit me up. He's like, I

1:29:30

feel weird talking about you on podcasts. I

1:29:32

want to celebrate your success. But

1:29:36

I guess it's a weird thing to

1:29:38

have a longevity doctor. Unless it works,

1:29:40

man. But what they do is I remember

1:29:42

when I sat with, I wish I knew

1:29:44

or remembered her name, but when I sat

1:29:47

with my first intake doctor, she'd given me

1:29:49

an interview. I had done everything for me.

1:29:53

She said, I'm just here to take a look at

1:29:55

your numbers and write those numbers. So we're going to

1:29:57

take a look at what you've got. fix

1:30:00

those numbers. So we're

1:30:03

going to take a look at, you know, I know

1:30:05

your lifestyle, I know what you do. So

1:30:07

let's try to just level you out.

1:30:09

And the number one thing, the reason

1:30:11

I went with him is my cardiologist

1:30:14

said, are your testosterone's low? Do

1:30:17

you know that testosterone repairs your liver? And I

1:30:19

said, I didn't. And he said, well, you should

1:30:21

know that. And he said, and keto is like

1:30:23

the best thing for your liver. And so those

1:30:25

two things for me. And I

1:30:27

think also at the same time I

1:30:30

wanted, I knew, I know better now

1:30:32

having had conversations

1:30:34

with people in my life that have shared things

1:30:36

with me that I didn't know were happening.

1:30:42

I know now how out of control I was.

1:30:44

Yeah, like I didn't know you don't know when

1:30:46

you're out of control. You really just feel like

1:30:48

I'm getting shit done. I was making a ton

1:30:50

of money. Things were working. Everyone was working. Yeah,

1:30:52

yeah. We're finally fucking doing it. That

1:30:55

thing is happening. Yeah. The only thing I

1:30:57

regret, I regret, and this

1:30:59

is a weird subtle regret. I

1:31:01

regret my podcast

1:31:04

presence from March

1:31:06

of 2003 to like July.

1:31:09

2003? 2023, 2023 to July 2023, because I was,

1:31:12

I was rolling in hot to everything. Meaning

1:31:19

what? Meaning like I was, I had days, every day was

1:31:21

a 10 hour, 12 hour day of press activities.

1:31:25

And so I don't think I ever put

1:31:27

thought into anything I ever said. And I

1:31:30

would just roll in fucking losing. Yeah, yeah,

1:31:32

yeah. And I get up at six in

1:31:34

the morning, I'd work out and

1:31:36

I would, I would often be drunk from my

1:31:39

night before when I worked out and I would

1:31:41

just be like fucking shoot testosterone

1:31:43

workout. Fucking, I was like, I was, I

1:31:45

was thought I was on it. And I

1:31:47

looked back at myself and I remember one

1:31:50

interview, which I thought was brilliant. I

1:31:52

really did think was like fun as

1:31:54

fucking shit is with Joe DeRosa and

1:31:56

Salbacano. And I looked back

1:31:58

and I realized I can see

1:32:00

it, not only if you can see it, but

1:32:02

I can see how out of control I was.

1:32:04

And I think that was actually before this. But

1:32:06

I can just see this guy that was on

1:32:09

a freight train. And I know this from

1:32:11

having conversations with my family who

1:32:13

said I was just, I was gone. I

1:32:16

was not listening to anyone I had blinders

1:32:18

on. For me it was like, I had

1:32:20

this thing, make hay while the sun shines.

1:32:23

People are buying tickets to shows. Go, go, go, go.

1:32:25

People are buying, you got a special remote, you got

1:32:27

a movie remote, you got a TV show. And it was

1:32:29

like, everything was like this. And now

1:32:31

I look back and I go, I wish I had

1:32:33

been a tad bit more present in

1:32:35

those interviews. Because I don't like, I remember Andrew

1:32:38

Scholz and I did a podcast and I, and

1:32:41

he brought a clown out, I'm afraid of clowns. And

1:32:44

my reaction is so over the top,

1:32:46

but that's where my nerves were at the time. My

1:32:49

nerves were so frayed from everything that

1:32:51

when a clown walked in the room,

1:32:54

I lost it bad. And

1:32:56

I look back and now I feel like I'd be

1:32:59

a little more present. I'd be a little freaked out,

1:33:01

but I wouldn't be that freaked out. But I was

1:33:03

just so gone. I was gone.

1:33:05

And I had a

1:33:07

great conversation with my daughter this past weekend

1:33:10

about that. And I was like,

1:33:12

I don't think I realized like

1:33:14

just how hard I was pushing it. And

1:33:16

so I think now I'm trying to like get a

1:33:18

little, and but the whole thing about the longevity doctor

1:33:20

was like they got me

1:33:22

to a place where that when I, when

1:33:25

I kind of had grounding after fully loaded, I

1:33:27

got grounded. And when I started

1:33:30

getting in shape, all of a sudden

1:33:32

everything righted itself. Like everything fucking went

1:33:34

to normal. Like everything, my

1:33:36

bloating went away, my sleep, my heart

1:33:38

rate dropped. My heart rate

1:33:40

was like 72 beats per

1:33:42

minute, my resting heart rate. And now it's like 55. And

1:33:46

I look at that and I go, wow, you get

1:33:48

a finite amount of heartbeats. And here I am burning

1:33:50

it, trying to make money still. I mean, it's not

1:33:52

like. There's moments. So I had,

1:33:54

when I was at, when my wife was

1:33:56

pregnant with my daughters, I had

1:33:59

a moment where it was. They were she

1:34:01

was about four months pregnant as that new

1:34:03

girl and I used to drink at work

1:34:05

I used to have a thing that after

1:34:07

6 p.m. Remember the Goonies. Yeah up here

1:34:09

is their time but down here down Here's

1:34:11

our time. I always felt once the Sun went down

1:34:13

and you were at work I

1:34:15

always kind of thought but now it's our time Yeah, so

1:34:17

I used to always have a full bar in my trailer

1:34:20

and any guest star coming in You

1:34:23

know, it wasn't it wasn't a cast to drink a

1:34:25

lot but guest stars I could get kind of partying.

1:34:27

Yeah, nothing crazy. Yeah have a drink or two The

1:34:31

best and also you're if you're doing improv and you're

1:34:33

calm and who cares like if you're able to do

1:34:35

your job It's fun But I had a camera be

1:34:37

upgraded this guy Paul came up to me one day

1:34:39

and goes and he and I had talked to you

1:34:41

Tell me about his childhood. I told about mine. My

1:34:43

dad's drink was stolle I was drinking stoli and he

1:34:45

said if your daughters were born right

1:34:47

now and your wife is four months pregnant What's

1:34:50

the first thing they would smell? And

1:34:53

on my breath was stoli and I thought no

1:34:55

one knew cuz I had mints so

1:34:58

I went like in Once

1:35:01

and he went like be the first thing

1:35:03

they knew over their dad, huh? And

1:35:05

I had that great like that was my longevity thing

1:35:07

where I went like and that ended the

1:35:09

the at water world Where I'm like, I'm

1:35:12

a degenerate Fucking stop. Yeah, so

1:35:14

then I do like a hard ten months Where

1:35:17

you're like fucking tighten up motherfucker because you're

1:35:19

now on a path where you're out of

1:35:21

control and you don't know it That would

1:35:23

be you'd actually you never know it you

1:35:26

never know you're in it But you need

1:35:28

either a doctor or fucking a good friend

1:35:30

or somebody who's not afraid to piss you

1:35:32

off I had Tom. I mean I look

1:35:34

at the podcast we did When

1:35:37

he moved to Austin, yeah, and like when we

1:35:39

first moved to Austin I look at them and

1:35:41

I I'm sure I'm sure they were fun or

1:35:43

whatever But like I was really out

1:35:45

of control and Tom would tell me that privately and

1:35:47

on air Yeah, and I would and I just wouldn't

1:35:49

hear it. Yeah, I just was like in it I

1:35:51

was like and I was so bloated I look at

1:35:53

pictures of my face Oh why and it's like it's

1:35:55

like really like and I and I

1:35:58

was like, I remember thinking I don't look

1:36:00

that bad. And it's fine. So

1:36:02

going back to the Atwater stories, the way that kind of

1:36:04

ended was, so what I used to do was I would

1:36:07

take the bad minute and I'd barf in my yard, but

1:36:09

then I was able to go to work. And

1:36:11

I'm like, hey man, I just did a fucking Hyundai

1:36:14

commercial. Things are pretty good.

1:36:16

You know what? They paid for one day,

1:36:18

then that night, you're partying.

1:36:20

And my buddy Steve Berg said,

1:36:23

you're going at a pace that's faster

1:36:25

than I think you can handle. And

1:36:27

you're going to go on a pace where that when we're

1:36:30

older, we can't get a beer together. And

1:36:32

he goes, just make sure motherfucker

1:36:34

that when we're 50 or 60 and

1:36:37

we get together, we get a six pack

1:36:39

IPA and enjoy the night and you're not in

1:36:41

some program. And I remember

1:36:43

thinking, fuck you, dude. But it's

1:36:46

right. That's been my target is

1:36:48

like, I don't want to stop

1:36:50

this. I don't want, I don't ever, I don't

1:36:52

ever want to

1:36:54

be at a place where I can't drink around

1:36:56

people because it makes them uncomfortable. Totally.

1:36:59

So I felt like I had to show

1:37:01

everyone. I can stop. I can slow down.

1:37:03

I just showed them myself really. Because the

1:37:05

thing was like, I don't give a fuck

1:37:07

when you stop drinking, no one

1:37:09

notices. Only you notice. And then I had

1:37:11

to do a period of time where I was like, but

1:37:13

even a month, I used to do a month all the time. We

1:37:16

used to do months for October, but it's got to

1:37:18

be longer than a month because you really have to sit in it.

1:37:20

You have to sit in it to a place where you go, I

1:37:22

don't know when I'll drink. Yeah. I think that's right. And then you

1:37:24

have to get to a place where when people go, are you

1:37:27

drinking? You say no. For real, you

1:37:29

mean it. And then you go, how long you

1:37:31

I don't know. Like there's a lot of like,

1:37:33

there's not some arbitrary date. Yeah. And so I

1:37:36

agreed. But when it comes to like being

1:37:38

skinny, I don't know.

1:37:41

Like I'm really concerned about what I'll

1:37:43

wear for my next special because I know I don't wear

1:37:45

a shirt. Right. But I feel like I've always worn jeans

1:37:47

and sneakers and I don't want it to look like leather

1:37:49

pants. Black leather cowboy

1:37:52

hat. We almost did. White

1:37:55

gloves. Do

1:37:57

it for you. You can do it. A

1:38:00

Chippendales choker you can do it do

1:38:03

it by the way earrings Eyeliner

1:38:05

I love that. I love that.

1:38:07

We're on the same page when it comes to

1:38:10

partying Yeah, cuz the thing is you've

1:38:12

got to earn yeah the right

1:38:14

to be able to drink on a Monday I think you're totally right

1:38:18

Everyone gets everyone get you're not wrong man. So

1:38:20

like for example like tonight. We both know we

1:38:22

have that event Yeah, right. So I knew coming

1:38:24

in. I had a podcast this morning. I had

1:38:26

Kimmel yesterday So this morning I was keeping my

1:38:28

head together when I was leaving today. I go

1:38:30

like I know Birds gonna

1:38:32

drink now. I got a last-second thing saying it

1:38:34

was gonna be too bad I don't know Tom,

1:38:36

but I do know you yeah, so I'm like

1:38:38

I don't know if Tom drinks But I know

1:38:40

Burton I can yeah, and this is the beginning

1:38:42

of my evening. We'll see that I got that

1:38:44

excited I got that in Darfur Russia like okay

1:38:46

fun. So this is how my day worked I

1:38:48

said to myself I hadn't drank. I've been drinking

1:38:51

like 15 days and I said, but I After

1:38:57

this I can't Favorite

1:39:00

thing in the world agreed and I love a day

1:39:02

buzz that leads into a night time I

1:39:04

love to I love to let it fall out

1:39:06

a little bit and catch it again. I love

1:39:09

all of that That's why that's why I got healthy

1:39:11

was so that I could keep doing that so it

1:39:13

doesn't have to stop And so and so today I

1:39:15

was working out with no means and I told her

1:39:17

I was Doing a podcast with

1:39:20

you and she said oh, I can't wait to

1:39:22

hear that and I said yeah She goes you guys gonna drink and

1:39:24

I went I don't know but I'm up

1:39:26