0:00

Hundred. Percent. Or

0:05

guys here to Bears We are always.

0:07

We want to get better, we want

0:09

to learn, we wanna grow and we

0:12

want to heal. And we thought what

0:14

better way to do all those things

0:16

than to bring in an expert? So

0:18

sitting in with us today is the

0:20

one and only Dr. Phil. Brush

0:23

a good to be here. A long

0:25

time fan. First time caller. nice to

0:27

see as love in the flesh of

0:30

a gun some accidental dick pics from

0:32

bird A through air drop on an

0:34

airplane which is how. We met or of

0:36

your my real I do remember that I don't

0:38

know I can waste that you are so as

0:40

I think that's our by and I'll go machine

0:42

and I said sit answer your and coach and

0:45

or and that he was up and first and

0:47

are of aka soda up there and you should

0:49

I have my own now and I said okay

0:51

I'll direct where you had it I haven't and

0:53

that's a was my next question is a i

0:55

don't drink in the day a lot of muslim

0:57

good he my was pussy but I would love

1:00

to have a taste sure oh poor oh shows

1:02

players have heard nothing but good things. How do

1:04

you like it Straight up. Are you on

1:06

a mixer? Lot more soda? Hulu Solar? Maybe

1:08

a couple. Raj actually. Eyeglass sure if you

1:10

lower your voice.beyond the Tower Series. Okay now

1:13

I know you guys been friends for a

1:15

long time. Bird A is are some you

1:17

need to make a friend. Like. You

1:19

needed connections you need like a hobby that

1:21

you both share. You know? I think so.

1:23

I think so too, Bert what's

1:25

the first thing you are you could drop

1:27

that louder tone that be great at my

1:29

brother Missouri was your something you her saw

1:32

in to her? There we go. Break

1:35

the fucking aka attack and how can I

1:37

may have? I'm Evan for the July

1:39

flashbacks and we have barbecues of the fill

1:41

out People get fucking cuckoo for cocoa

1:43

puffs Really only? Oh yeah we will First

1:45

Law or my wife's out of the

1:47

family. There's always cousins. It showed that I've

1:50

never met their look into kind of

1:52

you knows squeak some some pennies Air the

1:54

fill the Td. going to be tough

1:56

me those roy have their people climbing up the

1:58

tree asking for cash Oh, Tom does.

2:01

Tom does. Tom definitely does. How do you deal

2:03

with that? Because you don't want to be rude.

2:05

Oh, no, Tom's rude. Yeah. Okay. Tom's rude. Well,

2:07

share. Let me in on that because I'm too

2:09

nice, you know. First of all,

2:11

you have a lot more money than we have, so I

2:13

think it's kind of a different ballpark. How could you tell

2:15

from the way I walked in? Or is it the way

2:18

that my zipper is broken right

2:20

now when I just peed in your

2:22

bathroom, I had to pull my penis

2:24

over my pants? True story. I don't

2:26

lie. Both of those are dead giveaways

2:28

of your network. Yeah. Well, also, I

2:30

throw hundreds at the strip club. People like

2:33

to do ones. And I'm not a big

2:35

strip club guy per se, but, you

2:37

know, because I talk to the girls, because they're

2:39

people, you know, they're lower bottom of the barrel

2:42

people. But they're, you know, they're looking to, most

2:44

of them have kids, you know, whether they tell

2:46

you they do or they don't. They do. You

2:48

can look into their eyes and be like fifth

2:50

grade, and they go, huh? And you go, that's

2:52

how old, you know, Jacob is. He's in the

2:54

fifth grade. He's like, how'd you know? I go, well,

2:57

you got a tattoo of them on your clit and, you

2:59

know, and my fingers touching it. So I

3:01

don't want to say I'm a scientist. I bet you'd be

3:03

like fucking, you'd be like a wolf going into the strip

3:05

clubs, just going. Well, my heyday

3:07

for sure. One over there. That's daddy issues.

3:10

Yeah. You can tell. And look, we've all got issues.

3:12

I talk about that in my book. We've got issues.

3:14

Okay. Oh yeah. That's a perfect segue, bro. I appreciate

3:16

it. I thought that's a Jesus. We've

3:19

got Jesus. Well, we all know you can't read, but

3:21

that's, that's not your problem. It's our problem. We got

3:23

to figure that out together. That's not soda water, Tom.

3:25

It's okay. That's all right. It's the lemon lime. That's

3:27

the most popular one. Yeah. And I'm a big

3:29

sprout guy. Okay. Good. Spider

3:31

seven up. Sorry. That's there's no story there. Let's

3:33

go real quick. Spider seven up. Would

3:36

you like some or no? Fuck. I

3:38

just spilled it on my pants. Sorry. I got

3:40

it. I am nervous. I'm a big

3:42

fan of you guys. You know, arguably one

3:44

of the best podcasts on the planet. You guys,

3:46

I'm thankful that you guys joined forces because separately

3:49

you're doing a lot of damage. But

3:51

Together it's true. All right. Well, let's try

3:53

to pour you a compliment. Instead of just

3:55

suck down your booze. I'm waiting. It's all

3:58

for heavy four. Only

4:00

this bird almost spread over seven up. But

4:02

when Godfrey was a spokesperson for seven up,

4:04

that got me hard as I love that

4:07

anatomy. I read what fresco kinda can suck

4:09

my ass that when I got pregnant. So

4:11

fucking good. Okay, what about okay, what about

4:14

leave my number of assess assess? What about

4:16

say go. On. Your army. Of

4:19

others was a children's you. Know

4:22

for say goes on a drink but it

4:24

is a choice of a of linen yes.

4:28

He like only staring at a or eastern

4:30

geico olivine orange crush yeah i'm a like

4:32

a soda for breakfast get photo for breakfast

4:34

we also are think that's what i said

4:37

if. There's

4:39

orange crush in and there's sunt is

4:41

there But you know there's been times

4:43

to skin cancer with as soon Kiss

4:45

really league a he bet and a

4:47

book. We got issues janitor, five soda

4:50

and skin cancer. They're. Connected

4:52

or in more ways than one, but

4:54

I think great soon. kissed his of

4:56

up with that. would you do for

4:58

a Klondike bar? Would Wouldn't I do

5:00

a to a stranger for a grape

5:02

or Sunkist to start the day to?

5:04

Yeah Frosted flakes in a grape soda

5:07

is holy see. right out of this

5:09

motherfucker woods the throats and Koolaid would

5:11

try to strap or percent is I'd

5:13

Money I go I Winner winner sub.

5:16

Take. Your time sounded out. Stacking

5:19

them off areas. In

5:22

Jack in the Box behind our house. I'll

5:24

go get thirty two ounce diet. Great Santos

5:26

he up and I remember one time I

5:28

listened to me who's your ship green and

5:31

I suggest you Is the Phantom Sympathy. Yes

5:34

they to yeah a it contributes to have

5:36

a poor discoloration of your fecal matter. I'm

5:39

a take a sip real quick fingers as

5:41

a. Tear. See you guys! Here's here's

5:43

all you know more about. Been watching from afar

5:45

and a dig at Cheers. You can have some

5:47

to Tommy, get a love them and ring up.

5:54

As fuck and tasty. Sam I'm where's my

5:56

that's fucking tastic. Am Friday or. Of

5:59

tell you this merger. The rainy day or even

6:01

a sunny day you're looking to take it from

6:03

five to ten. Maybe that fetch. It's gonna be

6:05

a little a coming over to your house and

6:07

you've got more time to flip the pills on

6:09

the futon for to sleep on. So.

6:11

You want to fill up the downtime, but

6:14

fill up your heart, your soul or grabber

6:16

nausea itself. a poor oh shows you commission

6:18

we just about anything except. Purple. Sun

6:20

kissed and say whatever the morning players

6:22

Mademoiselle. A search

6:24

on just As good in is a nice at

6:27

the end of a nice perfect we have to

6:29

do like shots of it better like if you're

6:31

trying to tell the fans. Had a drink. You

6:34

know because they want to drink with you guys

6:36

down to they do. They would agree with you

6:38

more than they do with bird because you know

6:40

you're probably not getting this photo of mass adding

6:42

that he is more of a rarity. Yeah, really

6:44

get really excited when they his own them drink

6:46

yeah that muffins or bring we do the show

6:48

do that here in a at I don't feel

6:50

I'm on earth. you know decent man animals right

6:53

now but I don't like to. Smoke.

6:55

In public because I got an image to uphold.

6:57

But I do like in of Snoop Dogg of

6:59

your Organ when to smoke if you know a

7:02

smoker Joe Rogan. An oddity? no idea. I

7:05

just about anything with Joe Rogan you know oh

7:07

get any day that yeah he does right or

7:09

gender certain people to course here Oprah when I

7:11

first met Oprah those out like bananas you know

7:14

and don't cancel me it's always a banana because

7:16

he's black bloc but it was bananas is my

7:18

new catchphrase when I get excited me yours and

7:20

ago banana so bridge is it was but it

7:22

is Bonkers is another when I go with another

7:25

new one be up But Over is one of

7:27

those people that doesn't feel real yeah you see

7:29

or it's like when you may Brad Pitt I'm

7:31

sure with similar yeah there was a he can't

7:34

believe you're actually. I'm looking. Believe it. You're lazy.

7:36

as hot as they say. To. Produce

7:38

right and murtha sixty. Know.

7:41

it's not nearly sixty this book adding

7:43

amenities fifty eight know it's not more

7:45

attractive jason the most awful man or

7:47

wrapit i gonna put me away also

7:50

so many jason's isn't funny that i

7:52

went with mama to the a good

7:54

as it stays them yeah for i'm

7:57

jason a patrick is an actor is

7:59

patrick Gorgeous. Gorgeous.

8:01

Gorgeous. He was Jason Bateman? I'm

8:04

still taking it. Bateman's still got it. Yeah, he's still

8:06

got it. Okay, here's a fun game. Okay. Let's find

8:08

an ugly Jason. Because so far we've

8:10

said three hot... Oh! Jason's. Jason, uh,

8:12

Jason the fucking... How I met your

8:15

mom? Jason, um... What

8:17

about Jason? Who's that guy? Jason

8:19

the serial killer from the Friday

8:21

the 13th. Still hot though, Tom. Bad example. Yeah.

8:23

Oh shit. Jason, Jason Biggs from American Pie? He's

8:26

good looking. He's good looking. Personally, that pie had

8:28

no problem being penetrated

8:30

by him. No. Jason, what's the guy's name

8:32

that showed his dick in, uh... Siegel. Siegel.

8:34

Okay. Siegel. Not... More attractive now, but not

8:36

that attractive as the other dude. Sure. If

8:38

you put him up against, you know, Pitt

8:40

or Bateman. Now, what did he say to

8:43

you? Did he say something that, like, about,

8:45

you know, your comedy that, uh, that you

8:47

put in the spank bank? The, uh, Pitt.

8:49

Pitt. He, um, he

8:51

said... He was like... There was a Laker

8:53

game on in the green room, and so

8:55

we were just standing there. There was music on, and he was like, so

8:57

is this what you do? And I go,

8:59

what? He goes, like, to get ready for your show.

9:01

I think he thought it was more like, you're getting

9:03

ready for, like, a play. Sure. Like, I was like,

9:06

yeah, dude, we do... You're gonna rehearse your big, like,

9:08

a weird, like, a psycho? This is show 175 of

9:10

this. Yeah, okay, we're good. And he was like, oh,

9:12

okay. And then he introduced himself to

9:14

everybody, like you would, I'm assuming you'd still say

9:16

I'm filled everybody. I'll show you. Uh,

9:18

even though everybody knows who you are. So he

9:20

did that, and everybody was... Everybody was geeked.

9:22

I mean, it was funny to be in a room

9:24

with someone like that, where you see everyone just kind

9:26

of go like, hi, they're all so excited

9:29

to be young. So that was kind of fun. And

9:31

then I was pretending to not be it. I was

9:33

like, yeah, cool, man. Fun to... But then I also,

9:35

you had asked me before, who do you ever nerd

9:37

out on? I totally told him the

9:39

story of, uh, when I

9:41

was in middle school, and we would

9:43

go to the movies all the time as a family or, you

9:46

know, and my sister picked a movie that week,

9:49

which was... The River Runs Through it. Uh, was it River

9:51

Runs Through it? I mean, that's when you were in middle

9:53

school. No, yeah, we, uh, no, no, no.

9:55

Legends of the Fall. Legends of the Fall. Legends of the

9:57

Fall. With Bruce and Caidman. Legends of the Fall. Yeah. No,

10:00

no, no, no, no, that's uh, that's a vampire.

10:02

No, no, no, no, another other reason. Kidman is

10:04

uh, Thunder no,

10:06

no, fuck Jerry

10:11

McGuire for no, I know I was named

10:13

on for a second. Yeah, I was saying

10:15

another movie that's incorrect But those are movies

10:18

they're both in no kid crew. It's not

10:20

last samurai Kidman's got long here. They're in

10:22

the fucking wilderness They're Irish and they get

10:24

to this country. She's a whore and he's

10:27

a box and he loves whores. No, he's

10:29

a who he's a boxer He's a

10:31

fist fighter. It rhymes with legends of

10:33

the fall or it's like Tom

10:37

I'm gonna fucking pour oso's on

10:39

your cock This show

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is it can we Google no no I'll Google

14:25

it far

14:27

and away far in a fucking

14:29

way see okay no that's not what we're

14:31

fucking talking about so okay so you saw legends

14:33

of the fall. I'm trying to make conversation. I

14:35

fucking has nothing to do with what I'm saying

14:37

so I tell him

14:39

that we go to legends of the

14:41

fall and I was like I don't want

14:44

to see this fucking brat you know he was like the

14:46

cute guy that all the chicks I was like I don't

14:48

want to see your gay fucking movie and

14:50

that like whatever an hour

14:52

into that movie my older

14:54

sister Maria leans over to me

14:56

and she goes are you crying

14:58

and I was like no you

15:00

fucking bitch yeah at

15:03

his performance yep and so I told him that

15:05

I think he was he was amused by it

15:08

but that was it I mean he was super nice he stayed for the whole

15:10

show which is also a thing cuz a

15:12

lot of times celebrities like yourself

15:15

they go they come to the show and then you go

15:17

where are they and they go oh they said they had

15:19

a great time yeah oh yeah he stayed for the

15:21

whole show came back after the show huge could you

15:23

FaceTime him right now absolutely not

15:26

do you have his number no because you didn't want

15:28

to ask for it

15:31

because you just go it's just cool I don't need

15:33

to be free yeah I wasn't gonna how I am

15:35

now once you get in your 60s yeah but you

15:37

know this you know where it's like you're how old

15:40

are you Bert 51 you let it go that I

15:42

was 51 he just found out just what do you

15:44

mean by that I thought I was 52 how do

15:47

you forget who you

15:50

are this isn't the first time

15:52

this has happened yeah I forget

15:54

by the

15:56

way yeah wait

15:58

so what is your difference between 51 and 52.

16:01

Oh, 51 felt so much better. Right. Especially

16:04

thinking you're 52. Yeah. People

16:06

say, not to name drop it, Oprah

16:08

said 60's the new 30. And

16:11

then I think Jennifer Aniston even said 40's the new

16:13

20. But then it's like, it's

16:16

not. But you

16:18

feel good. But this is why

16:20

people are getting so many surgeries. It was epic, I

16:22

don't support it, but I'm on it. But

16:24

I don't need it, but I abuse it. I

16:27

don't love it, but I can't stop. We're

16:30

on team. We're on team. Oh, me too.

16:32

Yeah. Yeah, I'll get an injection

16:34

just because I'm bored too. But now, is that

16:36

a help for the muscles or is that just

16:38

all Bowflex? This is all Bowflex. This is pushups.

16:40

I do a lot of prison workouts. I do

16:43

prison burpees. Have you been to jail? No. Never

16:45

been arrested. Well, I don't believe you. I've been

16:47

in jail. I don't believe me either. Yeah, you feel like

16:49

a guy. Actually, you know what? You feel like a guy

16:52

that can charismatically

16:55

persuade a cop to let you go. That's

16:58

a big compliment. Before you were

17:00

famous, I bet. I persuaded a cop one time. I

17:02

know you did. That's why I fucking just said that,

17:04

Burt. Tell the story, please. Cops

17:07

pulled up to our college party at Indian

17:09

Village and I blocked them in

17:11

with my car. I pulled my car up. I was

17:13

drunk. I pulled my car up and I blocked them.

17:15

As a joke. As a joke and then the cop

17:17

said, I'm gonna need you to move your car. And

17:20

I said, I've been drinking. And

17:22

he goes, what? I said, I just got a drink. And

17:24

he goes, actually, I can test your blood right now and

17:26

find out if you've been drinking before this. How about this?

17:28

I'll take you to jail and we'll find out if you've

17:31

been drinking. And I went, excuse me? And he

17:33

goes, no, it's a funny thing. Let's get the cops

17:35

out. And I go, hold on. I don't wanna go

17:37

to jail. And he said, no, I bet you don't.

17:39

No one does. But you're going to jail tonight. You're

17:41

gonna learn a very valuable lesson, son. And I went,

17:44

I'll move my car right now. I'm so sorry. And he went,

17:46

why don't you go do that? And I got in the car

17:48

with a drink in my hand and I backed it up. And

17:50

I went, I'm never fucking with the cops again. Holy shit. We

17:53

let you go. Yeah. We took it as heartstrings.

17:55

I did. Do you guys find in

17:57

your life, and Tommy can answer me first on this. That

18:00

that you find like you're getting more

18:02

sensitive as you get older you cry

18:04

if your kids do something right? But

18:06

your kids a bit older but Tom like and

18:09

both you can answer this I guess do you find

18:11

like they do stuff and you go goddamn like I

18:14

didn't expect to be so emotional Over

18:16

that moment. I think you just shit on

18:18

the rug But I'm but I still

18:20

love you first of all, but you know, I'm

18:22

gonna rub your face in it to teach you

18:24

a lesson Sure. Yeah, but also old school Yeah,

18:26

and I'm still I'm not a big fan of

18:29

spanking. I'm more like shove your head into the

18:31

door, you know Yeah, because it doesn't hurt as

18:33

much a spank and stay with you for days

18:35

You get smacked into a fucking you know that

18:37

corner the doorstop part you just fuck, you

18:39

know It's a quick impact and then you're back

18:41

to reality. Yeah, check your email 12 minutes later

18:43

I body-check my kids a lot because I feel

18:45

like it's a way to get out Yeah,

18:48

and they're how old again five and eight. Yeah,

18:51

that's prime age to get fucking you fucking Gretchen

18:53

I mean, yeah, I was in a bar in

18:55

New York when I was young the story get

18:57

better There

19:01

was a girl talk a wild shit Morning

19:10

called Mary Lou's on 13th Yeah,

19:13

she'll never forget that Oh Mary was

19:16

that Mary Lou Reddon's in New York No

19:23

fucking hero. She had a bar. She

19:26

did not she didn't know sorry. That was my attempt at

19:28

staying up comedy What have

19:30

a five fifty minutes on Mary Lou ready

19:32

in a bar? She had one here and

19:35

then one here Yeah, and she's swinging between

19:37

them. That was my That's good. Yeah, we're

19:39

sticking the story. Yeah now there is something

19:41

to be said about Drinking

19:44

during the day. That's more fun. Arguably than it

19:46

not. Yeah, you know, why is that? But it's

19:48

better during the day sex during the day is

19:50

always better than sex at night I'll agree with

19:52

that blowjob during the day. Oh out

19:54

shines a blowjob blowjob during the

19:56

day while she's driving So

19:59

It's roadhead from the. There's a drought, yeah, I'm

20:01

a danger that's a very dangerous, oh yeah,

20:03

his arm and I'm into dangerous sex stuff,

20:05

you know, the are. Only

20:08

people would know that well with a do know

20:10

if you read my book. We got issues Chevron

20:12

on his you gotta be don't take yourself out

20:14

your comfort zone. And. Get a blow

20:16

job or she's drive and wow the as after

20:18

a battle on title but. But.

20:20

But at what I mean by that is, you

20:23

know when you're in your comfort zone for too

20:25

long of each equated to stand at the guys

20:27

right? You. Go this joke but maybe

20:29

feels a little edgy cancel cause there's an

20:31

issue but also think you guys rise above

20:33

it. But. I.

20:35

Guess a road a blow job

20:38

is a. Analog. To get

20:40

him every day but you I used to

20:42

call the shots and when it's happening you

20:44

do is tell her where she was there

20:46

from it is I started up the a

20:48

little bit a passive. You. Know and she'd

20:50

have to. Wake. Me up and elo

20:52

figure we'll figure action. I never was a

20:55

figure in the bud. yeah. Until

20:57

a have installed me this is due personal

20:59

by no no no no. But.

21:02

Didn't But I think that you know that

21:04

a thumb is the quickest way to get

21:06

me to go or. August. Is

21:08

time to get up? Yeah! But

21:11

up but a couple figures let me know

21:13

that it's my birthday. Yeah, Have

21:15

a choice. You be to toys of the year. We

21:17

don't toy sex toys. Yeah, and your there. No.

21:20

Less like he's We were planned to

21:22

sit down the stairs like in the

21:24

late eighties Bird Thursday immediately. As with

21:26

yes, know, tried. Is. The a tragedy

21:28

you. You. Guys, it's influenced us

21:30

over others. but plugs? yeah. But blog is

21:32

kind of like a feels a little been

21:34

there, done that. But. Also, yeah, don't know

21:37

what were. You know it's not as good

21:39

as the real thing. You'd be shocked how

21:41

how small. A butt plug, Can't.

21:44

Set up your Us. And we had tiny by

21:46

plugs and I have an ice. It was honestly like trying

21:48

to get a new club in New York in the fuck.

21:50

and eighty like it was it. My ass was like nah

21:52

nah nah nah nah nah nah nah. But no shoes, no.

21:56

And I was and I was pushing and I thought he had

21:58

already had it in his ass cause like I. The I

22:00

can get up to my acid he can get

22:02

in his Allah point of a plug is where

22:04

I'm a stay at my license if I'm ready

22:06

to lead a little like a cork like I

22:09

like a cork on the end so you could

22:11

pull it out easy. it isn't get lost in

22:13

their yeah to the real problem with does the

22:15

last? You guys should Now Mertz, you guys obviously

22:17

got the poor oh so she gets to bears

22:19

will keep merges at You ever think about double

22:22

digit would merge ideas like case maybe maker of

22:24

Obama had buffalo. that's a good one. New Oh

22:26

yeah of those the what are they called the.

22:28

Key. Foes Fi Foes Me those things going

22:31

all the uncle gonna say those speak

22:33

Foes measure walk into a photo store

22:35

this guy you guys got any of

22:37

these men fifa don't have Now I

22:39

did pull ups and fun facts read

22:41

as to on one Daves the name

22:43

of the park as and and I

22:45

wanted to see if you guys new

22:47

and he up or thing about or

22:49

the name of your show that the

22:51

creature that is why did you name

22:53

it they're for small ah thing or

22:55

two lakes pretty big hairy gay guys

22:57

early men yeah they. Were fantasizing about

22:59

what our life would be like if

23:01

it was gay on our young artist

23:03

Everly your mom's house I back when

23:05

revenues to produce? yeah. And. We

23:08

were talking about on it would be to be

23:10

daily total loss Christina in the whole conversation and

23:12

she was like than other sounds good public uncommon

23:14

all your food ago I got but I'd like

23:16

that he and other wrestle fuck you any good

23:18

was a guy come il my be like that

23:20

does it.to tell if I close my eyes he

23:22

had to hide. then i find your old you

23:24

know but yeah feels like a lot of when

23:26

I think most guys fantasize about who they're guy

23:29

would be if they were gay rec yeah that

23:31

Mcmahon would be paid for Tony Robbins time without

23:33

a bigger I think I'm actually a bottom until

23:35

he robs feels like in a huge yeah he

23:37

he. Wakes you up he'll just might ask me

23:39

and but your ear who knows his your alarm

23:41

clock or dance or even real knows puts his

23:44

harem up after your head and he's fucking you

23:46

in the ass and pushes your face and the

23:48

pillow and he's got that reached where he still

23:50

up right on his hands down. hold your head

23:53

out the fuck on the ice in the for

23:55

their bird or I'd so there's there's a couple

23:57

were so these are all true or false questions.

23:59

Again care who fact the about bears to or

24:02

false are you guys both answer to the and

24:04

will see who the winner will get a free

24:06

copy of. We've got issues available now A A

24:08

to We are with all got issues and I

24:11

want to get into what you guys are dealing

24:13

with earlier in the program. Bears have sick layered

24:15

coats. true or false. True. To

24:17

scripts bears a big strong a

24:19

concert their own did and service

24:22

to correct your be okay to

24:24

for to their aid bear species

24:26

in the world. Bosses,

24:32

Both. Was true. A

24:34

Really here can you name of. A

24:36

polar polar black brown. Yeah,

24:38

Panda. Bears

24:41

The. Bears. Seen in

24:43

grizzly going cargo carrier.

24:46

Gummy, You get that? it. Might.

24:49

Have a Muslim amiss Illinois around a barrister.

24:51

There ya go. Bears are allergic to Jews.

24:53

true or false as very true have made

24:55

me out. It's beers to walk in their

24:57

hind legs. through of the of bears

24:59

have a high I Q. False.

25:03

True. True True. Dump the

25:05

razor and didn't answer. Go

25:07

ahead. true. it's rats. affairs

25:09

are only gay on vacation,

25:11

not false. Scrutiny.

25:13

Army true for the young Jedi battery.

25:15

we're back on track. Todd scores bears

25:18

can't laugh a racist jokes but the

25:20

understand why they're funny. True, you got

25:22

it from. Blue.

25:24

From a Jungle Book. A

25:26

mama Bear from Goldilocks. And

25:30

or a Dick Butkus marry

25:32

for kill was a three

25:34

Famous Bears Wow! Well. Was.

25:37

The first one blue from the jungle

25:39

book, oh, and the second one's a

25:41

mama bear from Goldilocks in the three,

25:43

Barry fuck her a thing. She's.

25:46

Probably the most in Do it. Yeah, I think

25:48

you have to marry Blue. Know.

25:50

You're fucking kill Blue Gill Blue because

25:52

marry my Dad. I curse of their

25:54

shows. Got money. Security be harder. Listen

25:56

to talk about football. Very rich Hillary

25:59

as he killed. You know why? Because

26:01

his his dick butkus the here is

26:03

you know for mean A and aggregate

26:05

yeah of for your fucking people up

26:07

of course. I did.

26:09

I deposited Baucus yeah their own as he

26:12

had him. Rage were great would a great

26:14

name but Kiss yeah Dick is your first

26:16

name day. Hit the lottery as far as.

26:19

Because. In people can't tease in school as here

26:21

and that well here's the thing. you probably did

26:23

it. I did Tz yeah it's a methane that

26:25

I was as if i if you wanna kiss

26:27

you and your book on your but did he

26:29

try became who he was because of that name

26:31

or think so Yeah okay so lot of rage,

26:33

teasing and any enough is enough. Yeah I'm a

26:36

take this out on summer. On.

26:38

Some running backs. yeah there are some names that

26:40

you see that like specific poplars. we're like that

26:42

must have been tough like they're like any time

26:44

you see a guy named gay or decode a

26:46

fag Yeah to produce I know gonna what is

26:49

going on Thursday is and he had a girl

26:51

my high school name Michelle virgin. And. Then

26:53

we had a groaning Audrey click guard

26:55

really know rt German? yep following like

26:57

Guardiola I'll you know to clear was

26:59

but I was like this isn't fair

27:01

a J R D and then we

27:04

had a bitch whoa the the knees

27:06

be tch husband says yo does it

27:08

really was I would a bitch there's

27:10

so much busier. know your mom as

27:12

a whole your daddy's home because I

27:14

was her last name is funny. there's

27:16

only so many college in the pro

27:18

athletes with the last name gay the

27:20

and I always think that there at

27:22

that level. Because of their last night.

27:25

Because there's no way you're escaping childhood,

27:27

know with the last name, gay and

27:29

not having it fire you up and

27:31

somewhere totally. Like. This countless know,

27:33

I think so or the name Ima.

27:36

Like. Any grow any girl named

27:38

Iowa. Shit. Yeah. My wife's great

27:40

grandmother? No, no, My wife's. Grand.

27:43

Grand. And so her grandmother's sister.

27:46

Was. Named Ima. And the

27:48

an issue famous at a breakfast Me and the

27:50

Girls. And. They. All

27:52

have sat down and they said have you met your

27:54

aunt. Ima. And. Eyeless,

27:57

That what's your last? A majority goes dragged. These.

28:00

in your mouth. I

28:02

love your daughter. That's so funny. And

28:04

you know, yeah, and that's par

28:06

for the course. If your name is set up for

28:08

punchlines, you got to go with it. You

28:10

got to roll with the punches. You got to go

28:12

with the flow. Do you guys find as you're out

28:15

there and you're dealing with the... do you enjoy the

28:17

road life? Is it fun? I love it. I

28:20

know, yeah. You guys do different things

28:22

on the road, right? Yeah. Oh, very drastically different. But

28:24

I think that's why... Let's play a game. We'll say...

28:26

I'll say something one of us does on the road

28:29

and you have to guess if it's Tom or Bert.

28:31

Okay, great. Okay, sit in silence in a green room

28:33

that has a red light in it. It

28:36

feels like Peter, your assistant. No, it's Tom. Okay.

28:38

He doesn't do anything in his green room. He

28:40

sits by himself with a red light on... On

28:42

a light? You know, it's just

28:45

like a red fucking light. Like a laser

28:47

pin? No, like we were in the whore's

28:49

houses in Amsterdam. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Haven't been

28:51

there, Robin. I can't wink.

28:54

Did you ever play the game over, under with your

28:56

friends? You know, you think I

28:59

can eat that slice of pizza in under 30

29:01

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29:03

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30:38

The. Item since by himself and and why do

30:40

you use a red light? What he's a

30:42

red light of the it's soothing. I hate the

30:44

you know when you go into the some of

30:47

these rooms. allies as bad as big overhead

30:49

fluorescent lights magazines like a bad feeling separate the

30:51

red lights. I for music on and I

30:53

like to chill before the show. I would see

30:55

a John Mayer Cancer once in would backstage

30:57

and he does a similar thing. Real.

30:59

Cool com lights down. Phil.

31:02

Collins blast in. there were some of

31:04

doubles the of oreos know now for

31:06

him but olive trees and ago. And

31:09

so I get it. It's A It's A It's

31:11

a preparation for the chaos you're about to jump

31:13

in the and then which of us you thing

31:15

has seventy people in their green room with full

31:18

fucking floodlights. Saw this as much more not take

31:20

shots with strangers to death or birthday and six

31:22

mana sick from it as a the I went

31:24

into his green and before the showdown like I'm

31:26

a I got so anxious as like i gotta

31:28

get the fuck out I want in his room

31:31

I go get the fuck a migraine rumors to

31:33

me people in their sure Madrid room as fuck

31:35

and sick yeah it's a lot of fun. have

31:37

been there and the years I've. It up you

31:39

last year's or cheese was people go into dogs

31:41

were Jimmy Kimmel. Walk into Tom Green room was

31:44

like oh I'm sorry. Never. They're

31:46

like it's fun that milk I needed to get away

31:48

Your knees gonna. Sit. There quietly

31:50

everyone smoking weed do a fuckin shotgun

31:52

in fuck insult Thursday have to get

31:54

out of their if it's to earth

31:56

like of Snoop Dogg lox. it was

31:58

a Snoop Dogg bread. and

32:01

shit I don't know, Kat Williams

32:03

and OJ, pre-dead, pre-dead, pre-dead,

32:05

walks in. And

32:08

you're like, oh shit, maybe I gotta spark one

32:10

up. The same way that you're generously

32:12

having a cocktail with me because it's my first

32:14

time. Do you give in

32:16

to peer pressure like that? Or are you pretty? Pre-show I

32:18

wouldn't, post-show I wouldn't. Okay, you don't like to be buzzed

32:20

up. I don't like have any buzz

32:22

going before a set. You wanna be quick. I just wanna,

32:24

I don't wanna feel like I'm second guessing a thought. I

32:26

love that. No, I'll take one for the team. Well,

32:30

I think. Nate Diaz came backstage and I

32:32

don't normally drink before I go on stage.

32:34

He was like, we'll do a shot? And I was like, yeah. And

32:37

I didn't even think about it. And I was like,

32:39

fuck yeah, let's do a shot. Yeah, I could, yeah,

32:41

you have to. It's fucking Nate Diaz. It's Nate Diaz.

32:44

If somebody actually asks that pre-show, I

32:46

would probably give in too, like depending on who

32:48

it is. Yeah, I would probably give in. Yeah,

32:50

there's times in my life, definitely

32:52

my kids, that they got older. And that's probably another thing,

32:55

right? Like as soon as you're, two

32:57

boys? Yeah. That's what

32:59

we know so far. Right, there could

33:01

be, we've all had a pass. Right, you

33:03

sure have. In my daughter's transition now, I'd

33:05

be so fucking angry. I

33:07

wanted boys, but I don't want them now. I

33:09

wanted them when you were younger. Yeah, sure. I'd

33:11

fucking play baseball, fucking throw the football. Yeah,

33:14

I was in Billings, Montana once and I

33:16

got a call from a girl that said, it's

33:18

me, Denise, it's yours. And

33:21

then her and her friends started giggling and they hung up, but

33:23

she had my number. So I knew that there

33:25

was a chance it could be mine, but I

33:28

just started using condoms, you know? Recently.

33:30

Oh yeah, I know it's better

33:32

safe than sorry and all that bullshit, but I

33:34

think menopause is, look,

33:37

when we do it on, if you have a period and you

33:39

can fuck, who you guys voting

33:41

for? I

33:44

got another game I want to play. Wait, who's running? Two

33:47

of the same, you know who it is. They're

33:49

not gonna, they're gonna go with Biden? I think

33:51

it's gonna be those guys again, which is weird

33:53

because I saw him eating an ice cream cone, I saw

33:56

a video of it and he was blowing on it. Oh

33:58

Yeah, I'm out, I'm out. Maybe I

34:00

really don't know. Ask rumors and a lot. so

34:03

to cool down. oh this guy can make choices.

34:07

Health Center and and he still have

34:09

a bike America's Funniest Home Videos style

34:11

yeah says he didn't feel and. Park.

34:14

Or it into the bushes but within

34:16

Trump. he knows mint selling shoes that

34:18

are more expensive than Jordan's Yeah, yeah,

34:20

lot of balls get more delicious thousand

34:22

dollars. Have known Steve Kerr are such

34:24

a bleachers would? Make. Shoes Even

34:26

lot of divots. Had some Yugoslavian a

34:28

cigarette sales and or less getting a

34:30

books and what a great pull at

34:32

his body Debug was Yugoslavian the. But.

34:35

I have a you don't together glow bird

34:38

I have money to be now and play

34:40

a game called a Burden Tom were basically

34:42

I just see if you guys know of

34:44

this about each other. Okay because I like

34:46

best friends from. a big fan of that.

34:49

And. It's cool see people that know each other for so

34:51

long to keep a crowd. Were dead. The

34:53

keep. It. But. He would doubt in. but

34:55

keep a challenge to right you guys. It's tough

34:57

to keep a working relationship and friend. go on

34:59

as long as have done it. By.

35:02

Were no I your intern or tanner said

35:04

you sir was too tired but I have

35:06

I'm going to have job just stare you

35:08

live by said bird. The. Lessons my dad

35:10

on to. Is it weird to see him

35:12

with mother? My mother. Whoop that Poros et.

35:15

Al Michaels. A

35:17

law professor X know what I'm fucked up

35:20

but but on what is a what is

35:22

it about birds muscles that new but exciting

35:24

him? I mean all of it. It is

35:27

in an exciting than you know their muscles

35:29

when you were bigger right? Yeah, been around

35:31

muscles around the eyes of stronger when I

35:33

was better. Yeah Mass Mass Mass mass alone.

35:36

After Tommy to lose it. Mass moves mass

35:38

you know? Yeah a little. Muscle on

35:40

a big league. The power lifter guys

35:42

the avail way like three hundred plus

35:44

power because you gotta be huge to push

35:46

that amount of weight so he allows

35:48

a strong dude. but now we can

35:50

see the muscles. Very exciting I get around

35:53

and your fans like it to. It's

35:55

also cool wear shirts. It's the. Best.

35:58

Not. To wear shirts, Oh,

36:00

that's right. That's my thing. Was that a uh, now

36:02

that's a confident move. The fans go nuts

36:05

for it. Do you think they go more nuts for that or your

36:07

material? Hold

36:10

that thought. We'll be right back. We'll

36:12

keep it right here. Burt, I

36:14

think, I think, I don't, I

36:16

honestly don't think I'd do very well with a shirt

36:18

on. That's not true. If I left my shirt on,

36:21

they'd go like this the whole time. Oh, come on.

36:23

They judge what you're doing. I think that, I think,

36:26

I know that one time I walked out forgetting

36:28

to put a shirt on, like I was just

36:30

shirtless backstage and I started walking out on stage.

36:32

It was like two shows and I walked

36:35

out shirtless and they went, oh,

36:37

they wanted to see, they wanted to see it come off. Yeah.

36:41

It's a cool move. Tom, is there, did you ever

36:43

think like as you're coming up, you go, maybe I

36:45

need something like that. I thought pants down was a

36:47

thing for a while. Tommy had to hold on. There

36:49

was a, there was a Tom phase

36:52

not everyone knows about when he was working on

36:54

catch phrases. Oh my God. I'm a big

36:56

catch phrase guy. So let's do this. What was the

36:58

catch phrase? I forget. It was like pow pow or

37:00

something. Pow pow. You

37:05

don't remember that. We were at the brand probably like

37:07

I'm working on catch phrases. What the

37:10

fuck joke precedes a pow

37:12

pow. Okay. I'll do it. Okay. Here we go.

37:14

There's a guy, I'll be a guy in the

37:16

crowd. Ready? I just read an article about a

37:18

guy who has a tiger in his apartment in

37:21

Brooklyn. How do you get a tiger in Brooklyn?

37:23

Pow pow. Hey,

37:26

there's still time to bring it back. Do the joke. Do the joke.

37:28

Do the joke. Do the joke. Do the joke. Do the joke. Something

37:32

about a tiger and pow pow. There's a guy

37:34

with a tiger in Brooklyn. How do you get,

37:37

pow pow. It's still funny. It's still good. Yeah.

37:39

I don't remember how it goes. Yeah. It's almost

37:42

like a Bart Simpson, Akramba, OJ.

37:45

How long did I work on those for?

37:47

It was a while. I, I was, I

37:49

loved them in the back. They just go

37:51

like this. Pow pow. Bang

37:54

bang. Yeah. That came off the

37:56

tongue real

37:59

smooth. It did right. Bang bang. Yeah. Now would

38:01

you do a little little, you know, Patrick Swayze finger

38:03

gun? I mean, I definitely feel like finger guns are

38:05

the way to go on that. Remember the first guy

38:07

that did that? There was a time, I

38:09

think 80s beach cops, which I'm a big 80s

38:11

beach cop guy. I

38:17

love the beach and I love the 80s.

38:19

Yeah. Mind them. Oh man. I'll suck your

38:21

dick right here, you know. Yeah. But the

38:23

guys that walk around going like this, there

38:25

just was a level of confidence and swagger

38:28

that you can't fake. Cause that's on paper

38:30

a pretty fucking silly move. Right? It is.

38:32

Anyone walks into a party going, Skyless!

38:36

It feels so natural coming from you. Like a Dr.

38:38

Phil just being like bang bang. Sure. Well, it feels

38:40

like if you don't mind if I can add that

38:43

to the repertoire. I mean, I think. A little bang

38:45

bang. A little bang bang. Yeah. I'll maybe, yeah. I'll

38:47

plug your Twitter when I do it. When you're doing

38:49

a threesome, just a little bang bang. Oh yeah. A

38:51

little bang bang. Oh man. Who was the first guy

38:54

that came up with finger guns? When you think about

38:56

it, it had to be post guns. Obviously. Yep. So

38:58

when guns were cool and it must have been fucking

39:00

hilarious the first time he did it. Sure. We're like

39:02

they're in a saloon in the wild west and

39:04

he's like, oh, he goes later. And they're

39:07

like, ah, okay. Yeah. Yeah.

39:09

You can't, you can't do this. I think even

39:11

in a school would be tough to do finger

39:13

guns. Yeah. You couldn't. We, there was like, as

39:15

a PE teacher. Wow. You're feeling it. Yeah. That's,

39:17

that's the poor Osso was talking. I also had

39:20

some mac and cheese in the car, but there's,

39:22

there's a, you can get

39:24

the little craft mac into the portable

39:26

ones. Mm-hmm. The, the, the on the

39:28

go craft mac and cheese. It's a small,

39:30

you know, I've Campbell's soup used to do the

39:32

drinkable soups. Yeah. Yeah. All soups are drinkable. You

39:34

don't have to lie. Do you not remember when

39:36

Campbell's soup was, it was in a cup.

39:39

Isn't it always in a cup? Can I talk to you

39:41

for a second, Tom? Yeah. It

39:45

was in a drinkable, it

39:47

was in a drinkable cup. They're all drinkable. Oh

39:50

yeah. Yeah. I swear to God. The

39:54

soup was in a, like a, like a,

39:56

not a cup, a, um, a beverage. container.

40:00

What do you usually eat soup with, Tom? A

40:02

spoon. Very good. So

40:06

imagine not doing that and drinking it.

40:08

Okay. So that's what

40:10

Campbell's soup used to do.

40:12

Okay. It was good. Remember

40:15

that? Catch your case, Charlie. Yeah. Bang,

40:18

bang. Chicken noodle soup.

40:20

Bang, bang. So I would drink the soup and

40:22

eat it. So it was that, but it was

40:24

for the mac and cheese. I've

40:26

been drinking my mac and cheese.

40:28

But I was at it, dude.

40:30

We'll be right back. It

40:32

was really run down. It was run down. Yeah. But

40:35

I'm not. You like runny mac and cheese? I

40:37

don't mind it. It's like burnt toast. I'll still

40:39

eat it. It's not my favorite. Oh, I like

40:41

burnt toast better. Yeah. Well, I like one.

40:43

It's a little burnt. I don't know. It's the same

40:46

thing as like having like

40:48

when your wife comes in and she looked at great, she

40:50

goes, do I look good? And you go, you look beautiful

40:52

in your head. You go, you have looked better. Sure. But

40:54

you go, this is my burnt toast moment of having sex

40:56

with her. And so I like burnt toast that way. What?

40:59

Yeah, that's probably, we could edit this out, but yeah,

41:01

I think that there is a, I want another drink.

41:03

Yeah. I'll do one really good time. Yeah, me too.

41:05

What are other things

41:08

you could do that are like guns, but in

41:10

different parts of the culture, oh,

41:12

you think there's like a knife equivalent or a

41:14

bomb equivalent? Something about guns. Yeah, bomb. Yeah. Well,

41:17

there was the, yeah, there was the, well, there's

41:19

the mic drop, but that I do that

41:21

sometimes if you're dropping a truth bomb, right? You said

41:23

that on my show. Let's do that. Like we had

41:25

a young girl on the show and she was smoking

41:27

a lot of pot and she said it was because

41:29

her mom was doing drugs and I said,

41:31

and her mom goes, well, I don't think she sees me

41:33

doing it. And I go, look at me, bitch. I

41:36

didn't drive 98% of the way to get 2% of the information. And that's,

41:40

and then I took a commercial break because that's good

41:42

TV. Yeah. But I didn't want her to be feeding

41:45

me bullshit when I ordered a salad. Does

41:47

that make sense? Yeah. Total fucking sense. That

41:52

you can laugh Tom. It's all right. There's

41:54

drive 98% of the way to get 2%

41:56

of the information you did on your kids.

41:58

Uh, but. But I think

42:00

that, you know, as you, as

42:02

you getting someone's rear view mirror,

42:05

who's that for? I prefer you. Obviously.

42:08

That was a trick question. I think you used his

42:11

bat arm on that poor. How's your arm doing, Tom?

42:13

It's doing great. It's doing great. It

42:15

is. It's really doing well. Yeah. That's

42:18

an insane thing to come back from. You guys have both

42:20

had injuries, right? I got mine on

42:22

the set of a movie, Major Motion Picture. On

42:24

the set? What movie? It

42:26

was a machine, streamed on number one on Netflix almost a month.

42:28

I've seen it. It was

42:31

a louded by critics. So many things that were...

42:33

Louded by critics? Is that the right word? Allowed?

42:36

Louded? Lawded. Lawded.

42:39

That might be it. Allowed ones were the bad ones.

42:41

You've got an ability to say words that aren't real that

42:43

sound like they could be. Okay. Yeah. I

42:46

could do that. That's a great skill. Marking

42:48

deference. Nobody knows that one. That's

42:50

not real. And you mean indifference. Or

42:52

deference. Indeference. Like, you know, you

42:54

defer. Oh yeah, defer. Indeference.

42:57

Okay. When you walk around

42:59

with deference as your mode of operandi,

43:01

I'm walking around with indifference. What's

43:03

the biggest word you know, Tom? That

43:06

I know? Yep. That

43:08

you use. Because I'm not a big fan of people using

43:10

big words just to sound smart. You know,

43:13

it's like just fucking, you know, like bewildered.

43:15

You know, I got a buddy that's

43:17

always like, I'm so bewildered right now. Okay. I

43:20

know you're not, Tom. Chicanery. What

43:23

does that mean? I like to get a little chicanery. What

43:26

does that mean? Chicanery. Okay. A

43:29

little. That's fun. Curfuffle.

43:32

Curfuffle. Oh, that's when everything's got fucked

43:34

up, right? Yeah. It's like an insane, like

43:36

let's say Brad Pitt comes in. Right. He

43:38

goes, Tom, I fucking hated your fucking shit. Wow.

43:41

And you go, Jesus Christ, Brad Pitt. You're fucking

43:43

not like you are in the movies. I remember when I

43:45

watched Far and Away and cried. And here I am, or

43:48

no, what was it? Legends of the Fall. Far and Away,

43:50

I came to you quick this time. I

43:53

remember when I cried at your films and now I'm crying at the

43:55

way you're treating me. Oh,

43:58

I thought it kind of felt. It's like a scuffle

44:00

but I think you're wrong. I think

44:02

you're wrong. I think you're wrong. About

44:05

what? I think kerfuffle isn't a scuffle. Well let's

44:07

look it up fellas. Kerfuffle is when you get

44:10

confused and you don't know what to do and

44:12

all chaos is ensued. Well wow. That's kind

44:14

of me right now. There it is. Look at that. A

44:17

commotion or fuss especially one caused

44:19

by conflicting views. Yeah. There was

44:21

a kerfuffle over the chairmanship. Right

44:25

so you and you and Pitt get

44:27

into it. Right. You get into the

44:29

cockpit. Right. Try to

44:31

sort things out. That's a kerfuffle. You use kerfuffle?

44:34

I try to but it's one of those words

44:36

that again causes confusion like we're doing right now.

44:38

There's a bit of a kerfuffle happening because of

44:40

it. I think so. Yeah. I'm also

44:43

trying to coin new

44:46

new word. Have you ever submitted a new

44:48

word to the to Webster's? Never. No but

44:50

let's come up with new words right now.

44:52

It's a fun it's a fun time. Well

44:54

I like to come up with new like

44:57

racist slang. Wow. Oh wait racist slang. Okay.

44:59

For majority of terms? Yep. Okay.

45:01

Yep. Okay I'm into it.

45:03

This feels like a bad game. No

45:06

no start. Okay. We'll start with someone

45:08

innocuous like innocuous. Like that's a

45:10

great word. Yeah. That reminds me that makes me think

45:12

of binoculars and then

45:14

oculus which I'm a big 3d guy.

45:17

Are you? Yeah. I love I'll love

45:19

nothing more than to smoke a blunt, lie

45:22

in bed, ignore my wife, put on

45:24

goggles and go to the

45:26

prehistoric age and fight crime. That's all. Oh

45:29

you can you can select you can unlock players

45:32

like you can in NBA 2k. So

45:34

I'll bring Vlade Devot's in with me and

45:36

we'll go find some fucking t-rex you know.

45:38

Yeah. And just have ourselves a good time.

45:40

He smokes like a chimney. Oh he is

45:42

the most Yugoslavian guy. It's like Bobby Lee.

45:44

You're like he's a brilliant guy

45:46

through and through. He's really Serbian. Who

45:49

is? Vlade Devot. Oh Vlade

45:51

Devot. Vlade Devot is is

45:53

a Serb nationalist. Yep. He's

45:55

a big fan of Gabriel

45:58

Pritsip. Yep. Gabrielle

46:01

Pritsep. Yep. You know who that

46:03

is? Oh, he changed the world. He

46:06

changed the fucking world. That guy

46:08

changed 19 years old and

46:10

he changed the world as we note

46:12

it. He is the reason that our

46:14

grandfathers died. He is the reason the

46:17

Holocaust happened. He is the reason there

46:19

is, he is, that guy changed the

46:21

fucking world. Shit. You

46:24

guys seen Oppenheimer? Yeah.

46:28

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

46:32

I just thought that was a true story. Oppenheimer?

46:35

Yeah. I thought we were still

46:37

talking about far and away. Did

46:41

you like Oppenheimer? I did. I'm

46:43

a big Killian Murphy fan. He just scares

46:46

me, right? He does. Every time he's acting,

46:48

he's just like, looks like he's

46:50

just, you know, just found out

46:52

that, you know, Dolly Part lip syncs or something. Remember

46:55

how Michelle Tanner was played by two people?

46:57

Oh, Dolly Part lip syncs. Oop. We'll

47:00

be right back. Honest Bomb. See, that's what I would do

47:02

on the show. I'd go Honest Bomb. That's what I was

47:04

trying to tell you. The mom goes, I don't have a

47:06

weed problem. And I go, you do. This

47:09

is what your daughter's picking up on. Are you

47:11

picking up on what I'm putting down? And then

47:13

I go, I think you need to put

47:15

down the joint and pick up the responsibility.

47:17

And then I went Honest Bomb. Wow. And

47:19

we had a sound effect, you know. Who's doing Honest Bomb to me?

47:23

Bert? Yeah. So

47:26

I've seen on your tour bus, there's

47:28

a lot of alcohol, but there's

47:30

also a lot of fun. Yeah. And they can go

47:32

hand in hand. And sometimes someone will

47:35

be telling a story and you'll

47:37

be locked in, but then your eyes will just

47:39

droop right down to Facebook. Honest Bomb. Honest

47:42

Bomb. Wow. What is

47:44

it about Facebook that sucks you in?

47:46

But also look, devil's advocate, maybe sometimes

47:48

the person telling that story sucks at

47:50

stories. Yeah. I'm going to go ahead

47:52

and make it half and half

47:54

as far as who is doing the heavy

47:57

lifting. If

47:59

you're on the receiving. the end of a bad story there ain't

48:01

nothing worse Tom yeah

48:04

thanks Tom Bert I agree 100%

48:07

what's the last shitty story you've heard where you're like

48:09

I don't want to be friends with

48:11

this person anymore I got one I got a good one we were

48:14

at Korean barbecue and this guy

48:17

was telling the story where clearly he

48:19

grew up with more money than anyone we've ever

48:21

met but he was trying to pretend that he

48:23

hadn't so he could be relatable oh I love

48:25

this guy already he goes I'll tell you his

48:27

name he's fucking awesome cool but he goes well

48:29

we were growing up we had this person who

48:31

you know lived with us and worked in conjunction

48:33

with us and was like and I said hold

48:35

on you ever made and he goes no no

48:37

I go what color was she he goes she

48:39

was black and I went you're the fucking maid

48:41

and he goes no well she like she

48:44

was more than that I go hold on how much money

48:46

did you have and he's like this isn't the story and

48:48

I wouldn't let him tell the story you know cuz I

48:50

was like you're trying to paint around the fact that you

48:52

had made growing up and then his wife's like he grew

48:54

up with horses and I went what the fuck? and

48:57

then I ruined his story it was a great story

49:00

we never even heard the story I just was like

49:02

I loved that he was dancing around the fact that

49:04

he had money growing up and then he thought that

49:06

would bother us I was like fucking tell me your

49:08

rich I don't give a fuck I love rich people

49:10

stories there's so much more

49:12

fun there's so much more for you ever heard George Clooney

49:14

tell a poor story oh gross

49:16

I got when I was in Kentucky I was struggling

49:18

in Kentucky the full grazing anime or fuck it I

49:21

don't know you know it's a life that he was

49:23

on facts a life he was on facts life and

49:25

he's beautiful he's always been beautiful he's always been beautiful

49:27

when he got on ER that's that

49:29

for me that that you know I was

49:31

like ER you mean erect you know right

49:34

now yeah yeah Saint Elmo was it Saint

49:37

Elmos was the one Mark Harmon was

49:39

on who's Mark Harmon well the

49:41

actor just kidding okay what if I didn't

49:43

know who that was Mark

49:50

Harmon was a great game man you

49:52

know what I used to do in high school is I'd

49:55

say like if I said a joke that bombed in

49:57

front of there was a girl in my class named Siobhan

49:59

right white girl but always

50:01

had a little like she did something when she started

50:04

to develop boobs, breast titties, whatever

50:06

you call them. She would wear a...

50:08

Wait, we knew what they

50:10

were the first time. Breast

50:13

titties, all girls, others. You're

50:15

making my mustache fall off, Bert. She

50:17

would put a strap of the bra down her titties

50:20

and we would call it splitting the difference but

50:22

it was she had just started to get boobs

50:24

and it was a tactical move. Some girls knew

50:26

what they were doing. She was like, that

50:28

strap would just go right down the middle and it

50:30

would just highlight them even more. So

50:32

anyway, Siobhan, I'm painting a picture. Siobhan, I'd

50:34

say something funny like or I'd

50:36

say a joke if somebody was like, oh, I didn't

50:40

I would wake the class and I was like, yeah,

50:42

because you were trying to suck somebody's

50:44

foot or bang, bang. And

50:48

then nobody would laugh and then I'd go, oh,

50:50

you haven't seen that? And they go,

50:52

what? I go, it's an Al Pacino movie. And

50:55

they go, oh, and I go, you got to get out more Siobhan.

50:58

So I basically act like it was a live movie.

51:00

Does that make him look like a fucking really good?

51:03

You can have it. Oh, you can try it?

51:05

Yeah. Try it? Please.

51:08

Okay. Yeah.

51:10

I can't think of it. Yeah, it's

51:12

tough. It's tough. Yeah. Well,

51:14

I mean, I was. I have

51:17

so many bits going through

51:19

my head right now. But

51:25

they're funny bits. It's got to be a not funny bit,

51:27

you know, who's funny these days, Dr. Phil. Oh,

51:31

boy. Well, you two are at the top of the game.

51:33

I'll be honest. That's a nice. I

51:35

appreciate the the consideration of

51:37

even being here. But who else do

51:39

I like? Carrot top is still pretty

51:41

funny to me. Great. But I've

51:43

seen him for a while. So it's like, again, you're sticking

51:45

with it because people have told him,

51:48

hey, stop fucking around with, you know,

51:50

windmills. Stop

51:54

fucking with your pop. Yeah.

51:57

You already named after a fucking vegetable, you

51:59

know. You know, Dig Butkus over

52:01

here. So you know, so who's

52:03

that? Dig Butkus.

52:06

Yeah. Oh, is it? I'm doing

52:08

your bit back there. I like

52:10

to do every now and then. I love

52:12

this game. My

52:15

buzz just kicked in. Keep going. This

52:17

is good. Yeah. Well,

52:19

um. Take care more, more comedians. More

52:22

comedians. Who else do I like? Um, I'll

52:24

say a comedian. You tell me just, let's

52:27

just word association. Okay. This is

52:29

one word. I'll say the name of the comedian. You say the

52:31

first word that pops to your mind. I love this. We

52:33

got some theme music for it. Perfect.

52:38

Uh, Jeff Ross. Uh,

52:40

bald. Okay. Kevin

52:42

Hart. Uh, enormous talent. Oh, yeah.

52:46

Uh, Sebastian. That was great. Really

53:00

good. Uh,

53:03

uh, uh, uh, reloadable.

53:10

You mean another one? Uh, John Malamy. Oh, uh,

53:12

uh, addict. Yeah. Yeah.

53:16

Yeah. But, but, but,

53:18

but knew how to spin it into something

53:20

positive. Really? He took, you know,

53:22

he did all the things that you, you normally get in

53:24

trouble for and turn it into a career. Totally. I

53:27

mean, it's fully likable. That's my word. That's

53:30

a big likable. Yep. You

53:32

nailed it. It's also. Very seldomly do

53:34

you go to rehab. Fucking sense. Sorry. Jesus

53:37

fucking Christ. I know your buzz kicked in. But

53:39

your attention span is decreasing by the minute. Truth

53:43

bomb. And we're back. Yeah. It's

53:45

fun to do, isn't it? Pow pow. Pow pow.

53:48

Bang, bang, bang. I do think that when people you

53:50

don't expect to have drug problems, have problems, it makes

53:52

you feel a little bit better about your life. Yeah.

53:55

It's almost like when you saw the Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial, you

53:57

go, holy shit. Yeah. When he was like, you

53:59

know, and he was so. fucking cool. She

54:01

was like, he threw a bottle

54:04

of Pino at my head. And Johnny

54:06

was like, hmm, it was a point,

54:08

bitch. And I was

54:11

such a fan of the way he

54:13

conducted himself. He didn't, he knew A,

54:15

he's an actor, but B, he was

54:18

secure in the way that he was not

54:20

gonna be taken down. And

54:22

unfortunately, she's a bad actress and

54:24

couldn't pull through. But Johnny also,

54:27

we all have issues. Again, you know,

54:29

and Traktor 25 is about Johnny Depp. Really?

54:32

Not about his issues about the second Pirates

54:34

movie and the plot holes I found. But,

54:37

but, but I

54:39

do think that there's a, I think

54:41

there's something about, you know, reality TV. You ever

54:43

watch a love is blind or love is deaf

54:45

or Down syndrome and buck naked love or too

54:47

hot to handle or just a tip or don't

54:49

tell my parents or I thought you're wearing a

54:52

condom or anal Island or fuck boat or fist

54:54

or foot, which is a fun one or my

54:56

giant tumor on TLC. You seen that quick

54:59

way to go. Fuck, at least I'm not that guy.

55:01

You know, we still have a tumor on my cock.

55:03

Yeah. I'm on a Mr. Cable payment, but I'm doing

55:06

just fine. What was the

55:08

question? Love is love

55:10

is blind. No, no, no. Autistic one

55:12

level on the spectrum. Level on the spectrum.

55:14

He shows so hard strings. Oh,

55:17

it makes me think I should have dated more autistic women. You

55:19

should have. They're fucking so honest and upfront. I don't want to

55:21

kiss you. I don't be like, we got that out of the

55:23

way. I'll just drop you off. No, it's

55:33

honest and it's, and truth is funny. You

55:36

guys know that bird. I saw you recently, uh,

55:39

and you, you told a story

55:41

about, uh, your dog passing

55:43

it and it was, it, I'm sorry to to

55:46

bring it up, but it's one of the best stores

55:49

I've ever heard in my entire life. And you said

55:51

you're debating about putting it into something special, but,

55:53

uh, I just want to give my full endorsement

55:55

that you should. One of the best stores. How

55:58

do you craft a story? Both of you guys. How

56:00

do you keep an audience engaged? Usually

56:03

Tom will come up with a story and then he'll run it

56:05

by me. I'll punch it up for him in a hotel on

56:07

stage. What a great benefit. Yeah. Yeah. It

56:10

is how it works. Tom will put a couple of

56:12

Jews in there. Yeah, sure. Oh

56:14

yeah. Wait, how do you write a bit, Tom? How

56:17

do I write a bit? Do you write on stage?

56:19

He drops bits that he's not telling bits in this

56:21

special, the one who's getting ready for, that are my

56:23

favorite things he's ever said. And I go, take it

56:25

out of the podcast, it's so good. I'll leave it,

56:28

put it in, and he's not telling those. Cool.

56:30

Oh, that's great. Yeah, you find moments on the

56:32

show, I'm sure. I swear our podcast isn't that

56:34

good. It's

56:37

because if we say something really funny, we take it out and we

56:39

use it. We sell it to Netflix. That's

56:42

smart, but that's a benefit. No offense.

56:45

That's why you guys like other podcasts. They put all their bits

56:47

in the podcast. No way. No way. The

56:50

bits are good, we take it out. That's true. You guys

56:52

got the best art, though, you know? Yeah, it's a good set. It's

56:54

a great set. It matters. Well, you know, tell

56:56

me this, though. Do you write, I know some

56:58

comic book. I'm on stage. Yeah. Do

57:01

you go in with a little nugget? Yes. Yeah,

57:03

so you're like, okay, so like. Here's an idea. Yeah.

57:06

And I start with like, if I tell a story, I like to

57:08

tell the exact story of what really happened.

57:10

You know, you do little exaggerations, then you

57:12

find what really connects, and you, you know,

57:15

you work on the, and then you try to trim

57:17

the fat. So I always overtell a story. Sure. So

57:20

it's too long, there's too much information, and then you work on trimming

57:22

it down. Ron Schigler's a good storyteller,

57:24

too. You guys all are in the same boat. Can

57:26

I share my favorite bits of both of yours? Yeah.

57:30

Please. Please. Tom,

57:32

you did a bit, I think it's on the album where

57:35

you're doing, you're dressed like Michael Jackson. Yeah.

57:38

Pre-reviewed. Pre-reviewed, yeah. Yeah.

57:41

And it was such a great album. And

57:45

you told a bit about, I think it's a

57:47

cousin who always has invention ideas. Yeah. Brilliant.

57:50

Because that's based on, it's a real story. I know it is. Yeah,

57:52

yeah. So you can tell. You're

57:54

always saying shit like, what if you

57:57

are driving and you could just like...

58:00

think a thought and then your

58:03

radio would just put that on.

58:05

I was like, the fuck are you talking about? He

58:07

was like, you know, you can really make that. I'm

58:09

like, yeah, if you were a fucking NASA engineer, dude,

58:11

like he always just throw out these things. So I

58:13

just, you know, I mean, you punch up the story,

58:16

but it's really based on him. Yeah. And

58:18

it's so relatable because everyone's got a million dollar

58:20

idea. Everyone's got that shark tank. People see shark

58:22

tank and they see that someone come and go,

58:25

hi sharks, you know, tired of being

58:27

cold at night, introducing the blanket. And then they're like,

58:29

okay, you fucking.

58:32

Yeah. My favorite is when those guys come

58:34

into the shark tank and they tell them the idea and

58:36

they're like, and I'm offering, you know, 2% of the company

58:38

for like $5 million. And they're

58:41

like, yeah, are your companies already worth

58:43

500 million? What are you talking about?

58:46

You haven't seen any little people on shark tank yet.

58:48

No, that bums me out. I'm starting to wonder why,

58:50

you know, because they usually think

58:53

they don't have inventions. Well, that's not where

58:55

I said it at all, but yeah, they might

58:57

be tired. You think they, you think they see

58:59

the world like this. Everything seems like a big

59:01

idea to you. Remember the first time you went

59:03

to Toys R Us as an adult and you

59:05

realize how small it was? That's probably being a

59:07

dwarf all the time. Yeah. Your perception's off. Yeah,

59:10

it is. But a dwarf invention would be what

59:12

they go in and go, you know, there, you

59:14

know, I can say in that,

59:16

oh, and then they look down and then they

59:18

go, hi sharks, you know, tired of not being

59:20

able to reach the top shelf to get your

59:22

cinnamon toast crunch. And then

59:24

they're like, listen, the, uh, you know, the step stool,

59:26

the step stool, but it's shaped like a pot of

59:29

golden rainbow. Yeah, it has to be. Yeah. So they

59:31

can climb up leprechauns. Leprechauns

59:33

Oompa Loompas, uh, dwarfs.

59:35

Who's the most famous, uh, half

59:38

size? Oh, leprechauns. I think

59:40

so. Oompa Loompas though, got probably the

59:42

most credibility, but they're also like slaves

59:44

in a way, right? They put in

59:46

the hard work. They did. They, they're,

59:48

they're the unspoken heroes. Why did they

59:50

ever kill Wonka? There

59:53

was like 95 of them. Cause the real

59:55

Wonka was actually, they loved them,

59:57

right? They revered him. Like he was like, you think they looked

59:59

up to him? Yeah, I think they really did. He

1:00:01

gave them a place I'm a candy or whatever. Yeah

1:00:03

for do the really love it Because if one goes

1:00:05

do like Bread Williams first I'm a My Bread Williams.

1:00:08

Ago. Where the skittles? Yeah. Enough

1:00:10

that was disrespectful, but that only been introduced

1:00:12

myself when I just say, where's the candy

1:00:15

tiny little bug in. In a

1:00:17

symbol of the we laugh later votes and

1:00:19

vertex but he's over there but he's a

1:00:21

if you know it dodges. I assumed katie

1:00:23

was a party his world but he acknowledges

1:00:25

the movie in reality of wires are really

1:00:27

spiderman except chicken and the as wait for

1:00:29

him come out of notified about a week

1:00:31

you must watch the bug and ring game

1:00:33

dig I tried do bus is not up

1:00:35

in yacht as much as he dresses like

1:00:37

when they had to be so pissed about.

1:00:39

I. Just else call. we have Brand and

1:00:41

run the five get yeah Brad Bread Bread

1:00:44

millions in five. Guess Ill and it'll take

1:00:46

him in a one off without to show

1:00:48

Pedrosa like a to problems. it's gotta be

1:00:50

like a it's fabulous a marathon Yep pretty

1:00:52

ah it's awesome bread. What I played a

1:00:55

basketball would read Williams once housed at Us

1:00:57

clean up. His for a was gray he's

1:00:59

yeah he's a me he's got he can

1:01:01

move around watching bread ruff. I once saw

1:01:03

him on a on T do a respecting

1:01:05

read on go for every block. like the

1:01:08

kind of go on nod dominate. The idea

1:01:10

of I used to go to elementary schools

1:01:12

is for low mood boost the and just

1:01:14

do full on the have Billy Madison member

1:01:16

that January's a swan the shit out those

1:01:19

said genders in or yeah yeah yeah who's

1:01:21

a kid med memory grab his cheeks and

1:01:23

he goes no. You. Don't ever

1:01:25

say that again. Accuse i I want

1:01:27

to stay in school for every memory

1:01:29

idea. Kiwi. Bob Barker did. You

1:01:32

know, the just sold his house. On

1:01:35

way. As I read by know I'm thinking

1:01:37

of. Pets say just

1:01:40

hidden or yeah I did, he's dead. know

1:01:42

his nose or back is dead. Ouster back

1:01:44

via the his house is right by Prime

1:01:46

at the base of Fryman Canyon. Was it

1:01:48

nice? Yeah. What

1:01:50

is no ship asking? Gorgeous was

1:01:52

playing at home. gorgeous versus can

1:01:54

skip over my every job. Fair.

1:02:00

The oh yeah you know Tribeca was to jeopardy.

1:02:02

I've been on the the and litter Megumi day.

1:02:04

One thing, if I ever get cancer. To

1:02:07

back is my. You. Know knock on

1:02:09

the in of knock on oh my god. For.

1:02:12

Market. Is. Oh this is. Sturdy.

1:02:14

Table is the Joe Rogan got make this net

1:02:17

worth it. He did actually. Everytime.

1:02:19

Us lists New your Rogan Park as again

1:02:21

their friend making a table form or nice

1:02:23

were enough. Rest are a steak or a

1:02:25

pipe pipe. I want friends like they're the

1:02:28

disco. You want a table yeah my you

1:02:30

when I do mother Dies work yes you

1:02:32

are Youtube and Joe Rogan as is as

1:02:34

fans would have held up the Wall and

1:02:36

Game of Thrones Something so like they're all

1:02:38

like know how to make things that look

1:02:41

like that would be. On. A on

1:02:43

a watch? Yep. So

1:02:45

out to back hosted jeopardy and when

1:02:47

he got cancer towards end of his

1:02:49

wife who said. Was

1:02:52

of American cheese. oh so combo is

1:02:54

is a strong and yeah it's wrong.

1:02:57

like remember when I'm when Fonzie Bear

1:02:59

first had stayed up on them up

1:03:01

a job yeah. And. He crushed.

1:03:04

Sets. Get an hour. The

1:03:07

same feelings of though so are the

1:03:09

bosom Get the idea? Will

1:03:12

keep it in put a but what throwback

1:03:14

Did what impressed me. You. Know

1:03:16

should outweighs always seen about that. Don't

1:03:18

impress me much you know our so

1:03:20

you are here to use of birth

1:03:23

center I was just gonna say slot

1:03:25

so making payments on it right but

1:03:27

that own in Branson I mean a

1:03:29

hammer at one point he says so

1:03:32

you're brad Pitt that don't impress much

1:03:34

and I was like bit you'd for

1:03:36

steep it as a on earth or

1:03:38

a birthmark. Digress to back we got

1:03:41

cancer. He was always always shoot from

1:03:43

the hip and k. Talk. About a

1:03:45

singer. good guy. Probably. a singer

1:03:47

got to tibet struck me the guy

1:03:49

that like he was like it all

1:03:51

take our metro bus will go to

1:03:53

santa monica then culver city on the

1:03:56

same burst different route same finger inside

1:03:58

your limit organ finger on the us

1:04:00

in middle school doing it I guess.

1:04:02

Yeah. No. Roller skating rink.

1:04:04

Yep. You finger while you're skating?

1:04:07

Yeah. All right.

1:04:09

Apollo Ohno. Yeah. Really?

1:04:12

What? No. No,

1:04:14

that's impossible, Burt. No, I wanted to. I watched couples

1:04:16

finger each other. While they were skating. her

1:04:19

and I was like, their parents aren't here? Yeah. No,

1:04:21

the parents, yeah. They were not. You

1:04:24

don't have parents. Yeah. And I'll talk

1:04:26

about that in Chapter 29. Damn. If

1:04:29

you're your parents, you're probably getting fingered next to

1:04:31

the skating rink.

1:04:33

But Trebek, I'll get

1:04:35

this story in. Stay with me. Yeah.

1:04:38

The contestants were always so nervous around Trebek

1:04:40

because he had a lot of, he's been

1:04:42

on the show for 59 years. Yeah.

1:04:46

And so when they would do the personal information

1:04:48

portion of the show, where

1:04:50

you're from, and then the girl would go, well, I'm

1:04:53

from Tacoma, Washington. And

1:04:55

he'd go, loser or something.

1:04:57

Yeah. And he was like,

1:04:59

cool fucking story, bro. And

1:05:02

then I remember one girl, her name was like

1:05:04

Mary. And he goes, Mary, it says here, he's

1:05:06

reading his fucking card. He got a couple of

1:05:08

bullet points. He didn't give a fuck though,

1:05:10

because he's about to die. And he also, he's been doing

1:05:12

Jeopardy for 59 years. The

1:05:15

Daily Double. I guarantee

1:05:17

you, Trebek was like, if I have to say

1:05:19

congrats, you found the Daily Double one more time,

1:05:22

I'm going to bite someone in the neck, Chewbacca

1:05:24

style. So this girl, she goes,

1:05:26

we just got married. She goes, it says here,

1:05:28

you just got married. And she goes, yeah, we

1:05:30

had a Star Wars wedding. And

1:05:32

she goes, we had stormtroopers dressed up. People

1:05:35

are all groomsmen and dressed up

1:05:38

as stormtroopers. And the girls, the

1:05:40

bridesmaids dressed up as Princess Leia.

1:05:42

And Trebek verbatim goes, nerd

1:05:44

alert, and then moved on to the

1:05:47

next guy. And they kept

1:05:49

the camera on the girl. And

1:05:51

she goes, oh, this was like,

1:05:53

didn't know how to react. And

1:05:55

Trebek, because getting made fun of

1:05:57

someone on their show sucks. Especially

1:06:00

he was a couple weeks away from dying.

1:06:02

I spent a few of his last words

1:06:04

to be like you fucking nerd I imagine

1:06:06

dying and having to hear about people's nervous

1:06:08

stories on fucking television. Yeah.

1:06:11

Oh And she can't get

1:06:13

you know, she can't you can't

1:06:15

say anything back to Tibet because it'll score you off

1:06:17

the the Sony lot Yeah, but you know, she

1:06:19

was driving home being like I'll fucking drive over

1:06:21

there right now. Yeah, I'm a daily double For

1:06:25

that house I want to see how

1:06:27

much that house cost he's really into the cost of

1:06:29

things Well, well when you look at some

1:06:32

of those houses in California, and you much it's

1:06:34

fucking if he gives you his address right now

1:06:36

Do you look it up? Yeah,

1:06:38

of course. Yeah. Yeah, I know it's one

1:06:40

to four money I'm gonna name out you got an edit

1:06:42

his name out Expensive house he

1:06:44

gave we were going to a baseball football game

1:06:46

and I said, so do you want to pick

1:06:48

me up? He was just coming to my house.

1:06:51

I'll drive. I went cool So I got his address

1:06:54

and I personally I did zillow did and

1:06:56

it was four million dollars and I went

1:06:58

so funny I casually remember him saying he

1:07:00

paid eight million for this house. Mmm,

1:07:02

but that's fine If you want a puppet member, that's

1:07:04

fine So I go to the house I

1:07:06

knock on the door and from a house

1:07:09

across the street two doors up here over

1:07:11

here Cocksucker, I go. What are you doing?

1:07:13

He goes? I'm not giving you my fucking

1:07:15

address. You'll know how much I paid for

1:07:17

it I had already done it. I'd

1:07:19

already done it already did it Let

1:07:22

me do a different fucking house. That's psycho. That's the

1:07:24

site and then he met you at that house He

1:07:29

was sitting on his front door waiting for me to

1:07:31

go knock on their door. Holy shit. I got a

1:07:33

I got another game I'd love to play with you

1:07:35

guys. How are we doing on time? By the way?

1:07:37

We're good. We're good. Okay, good What

1:07:40

do you guys usually do here about an hour?

1:07:42

Yeah. Yeah an hour a little more. Okay Well,

1:07:44

let me get this game real quick. This is

1:07:46

called Tom and Bert. Do you know each other?

1:07:48

Okay Favorite

1:07:51

color Bert blue

1:07:54

Tom what's your favorite color blue? Did

1:07:56

you guys know that I did not know you I know you have blue

1:07:58

eyes I didn't know that

1:08:01

that was his favorite color. It's my power color. Navy

1:08:03

blue's probably my favorite color. My toenails are probably my

1:08:05

blue. When did you start painting your toenails? Well,

1:08:08

I started a long time ago, but I started

1:08:11

doing it a lot more when I had girls. Yep, yeah,

1:08:13

because it's a, yeah,

1:08:16

we'll come back to that. Favorite actor. God,

1:08:19

I can't say Brad Pitt. You can. He's so

1:08:22

hacky. No, but it's up there. I'll

1:08:25

start it up. I got it, I got it. Go

1:08:27

ahead, wait, let me guess. I

1:08:29

will actually give you $10,000 right now in

1:08:32

real life if you guess. If you guess, I'm gonna

1:08:34

spread to Tom. I

1:08:39

have a joke answer and I have a real answer. My

1:08:41

joke answer is Rita Rudner. My

1:08:46

pose. What's your real answer? Well, now

1:08:48

you're making me think it's Rita Wilson. Tom Hanks is what?

1:08:50

No, no, no, no. That was the second joke answer. I'll

1:08:52

give you a hint, it's a man. I knew that. It's

1:08:58

not Leo DiCaprio. It's

1:09:01

not Tom Hanks. It's

1:09:03

not Denzel. No. Could

1:09:05

be Ben Kingsley. No. But

1:09:07

it could be. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

1:09:09

Did you put it up somewhere? Hold on, hold

1:09:11

on. Hang on, keep going. That

1:09:13

was a... But it could be. Well,

1:09:18

I want this bad. You

1:09:20

know how many Kraft Mac and Cheese portables I could buy?

1:09:23

Please get this right. God

1:09:25

fucking damn it. I think I'm... Now

1:09:29

my mind's all over the place. You

1:09:31

ever watch the Postmates driver try to find your house

1:09:33

late at night when you ordered a Slurpee because you

1:09:35

had too many edibles? If you get it and then

1:09:37

he cancels and leaves a Slurpee outside your house with

1:09:39

a picture of it spilled on the curb? You're

1:09:43

so close. You're

1:09:45

so close. He's not Ben Vereen. No. Fuck.

1:09:49

I said Ben Kingsley and then you got all weird.

1:09:53

Fuck. Oh,

1:09:56

shit. else

1:10:00

has been. Some

1:10:04

have been. Bear.

1:10:08

Name's not bad. I'll give you a hint. His name's

1:10:10

not Ben, but you're so close. Who

1:10:14

rhymes with Ben Kingsley? No, no, no, no. Close.

1:10:16

You're so close. You're so close. Close in a

1:10:18

different way. And wordle. Yeah. If it's not been

1:10:21

Kingsley, but you're so close.

1:10:23

How the fuck is it not been or

1:10:25

sound like Kingsley, but it, I

1:10:27

keep Ben Kingsley. Cause we were kind of just getting

1:10:30

the hint. Pete Martin was the King. No, I'll give

1:10:32

you the hint. Okay. It's that they've

1:10:34

worked together. And so that's why he was thinking like,

1:10:36

Oh, shit. Well,

1:10:40

but that could be anybody. Yeah. He's been a lot of

1:10:42

stuff. Kingsley's been, I mean, Colin Firth is what I think,

1:10:44

but it's not that guy. No. Fuck.

1:10:50

Um, definitely not calling him

1:10:52

fucking Firth. Akira leave

1:10:55

here with $10,000. Come on. I

1:10:57

know Tom. I'm doing my best. Fuck

1:11:01

wasn't P Diddy. Uh, it

1:11:04

could have been, he worked with a lot of people. Myself. That's

1:11:06

okay. All right. Final

1:11:08

answer. I wish I

1:11:10

could phone a friend. Remember who wants to be a

1:11:12

millionaire? We have phone a friend. That was always my

1:11:15

biggest gauge of luck. That's how I

1:11:17

know I still trust you and want you in

1:11:19

my life. Cause sometimes you'd hear regions being like,

1:11:21

all right, we've got David on the phone. He's

1:11:23

going to call us Sam in a bourbon, California.

1:11:25

And then he called the guy and

1:11:27

then the guy was like, all right,

1:11:30

Dave, uh, what's the capital of

1:11:32

Florida and the guy in the other line when I

1:11:34

was like, dude, I don't fucking know. You're

1:11:37

like, well, you just wasted your fucking

1:11:39

life and your chance at five mill. So

1:11:41

I wish I could do that right now, but I

1:11:43

can't. So if I can't say Ben Kingsley and I

1:11:46

won't say Colin Firth, and I want

1:11:48

to say Judith light, but I think she went downhill

1:11:50

after who's the boss. Fuck.

1:11:53

Not David Hyde Pierce, not David Allen

1:11:55

Greer, Not

1:11:58

Tommy Lee Jones. He's

1:12:00

great! He is great and try to name

1:12:02

a reactor Harrison Ford. Stars

1:12:05

Hartnett, Forty days and forty nights have

1:12:07

no fucking a know. Strawberries. They bought

1:12:09

a. Or his house.

1:12:12

Or what's the name of Starbucks house? For a

1:12:14

point, three million dollars. Get. The

1:12:16

fuck outta here On a corner of Fryman Canyon.

1:12:19

So everyday brewer mocked by your house. They go

1:12:21

for a hike in one three million million damage

1:12:23

to the Brady Bunch house. Go for the who?

1:12:25

that one for a lot. Somebody bought that the

1:12:28

or less bathwater. some he did actually by the

1:12:30

F the A weird in a weird how much

1:12:32

Emily Lance Bass backseat you figure is yeah just

1:12:34

Roman are your hobbies I don't fucking know. don't

1:12:37

look me like then. Is

1:12:39

the guy just go as bad as.com every

1:12:41

morning wondering I'm a purple Sunkist fucking pervert

1:12:44

Thrive. I'm gonna get an answer going here

1:12:46

and. A Want to Get A Ride Ben

1:12:48

Kingsley were in the vicinity were around and

1:12:50

Kingsley Boulevard taken a ride down a better

1:12:52

vulcan be the street naked. A sexy answer.

1:13:00

Snob. The line is a pit. I know,

1:13:02

I know, you're fucking beast. Do it. And

1:13:14

give you a minute I'm going to be aware that I'm going

1:13:16

to give you really can I make outweigh the when I want

1:13:18

to say I would still get ten grand. Maybe

1:13:21

I'll give you a really big head. I

1:13:23

find her bucks for one hundred for thousand

1:13:25

dollars less go over seven dollars. A.

1:13:27

Really big head. Okay, hold on. Talked about

1:13:29

T C. Com crew and but

1:13:32

I am one of taken off the table hunkers

1:13:34

or think it can be some we've talked about.

1:13:36

You ready yet? He. Gonna have

1:13:38

to edit this but it's perfect. Tom

1:13:47

Selleck know? she didn't know? I don't

1:13:49

know. Ah. i don't reckon

1:13:51

as part of me thought that was

1:13:53

the family ties themselves is my favorite

1:13:55

is my favorite picture which i've tried

1:13:58

to recreate a time gap on Take

1:14:00

it off the table. Yeah, I want to get it though But

1:14:02

take it off the table and how about just a nice dinner with

1:14:05

you and one of Joe Rogan security

1:14:07

guards? Okay

1:14:09

best this is I will be using

1:14:11

this in some sort of branding somewhere

1:14:16

Ray Winston, that's your favorite actor fucking

1:14:18

love that guy cool. He's in the boys

1:14:21

are bees He's

1:14:23

in the new gentleman he's in sexy beasts. I'm

1:14:26

in see either one of those fucking That's why

1:14:28

you didn't make it a sexy answer and you

1:14:30

beast he said you be fuck Yeah,

1:14:33

I'm not being Kingsley. You haven't seen bad Kingsley

1:14:35

and sexy beasts No, no when he goes up

1:14:37

to the fucking the guy that TSA guy and

1:14:39

he goes alright Don't want to make an

1:14:41

issue with this But I don't think all you guys are like

1:14:43

this all you Spaniards But he touched me touch me my front

1:14:46

bottoms made me a nervous. I sat down. I told him I

1:14:48

live my cigarette I don't think you

1:14:50

guys roll It's fucking the

1:14:52

best goddamn movie. It's a fucking great.

1:14:54

Yes, Val. Yes. Yes, gal. Yes gal

1:14:57

They'll kill Mers in it gal. Oh his name's

1:14:59

gal It's such a great movie and they just did

1:15:01

a TV show out of it. Yeah, and

1:15:04

I'm obsessed I'm a big movie guy. I just

1:15:06

saw Shanghai nights for the third time. Oh Just

1:15:11

vodka all over my only gene that's okay. Is

1:15:13

that the brand name? No. Yeah, it's only van

1:15:17

Only fans girl only fans now that's um you

1:15:20

want to talk about like You

1:15:22

only shit my tooth No

1:15:25

way no, I didn't all right. Hey, um, hey, let's

1:15:27

go back to strip clubs What's it like to be

1:15:29

you can we go to a strip club right now

1:15:31

after this? I'd love to Oh dress like this Can

1:15:33

we all go to I mean we have to leave

1:15:35

immediately. Let's go to strip club. You want to go

1:15:37

strip club Well, what's more important this or that? Let's

1:15:40

rip. Wait. Oh, well this

1:15:42

is yeah, how about this TBD? You're

1:15:45

gonna be in Los Angeles Christina

1:15:47

who would you go to strip clubs? I don't know. I have

1:15:49

an ass Yeah, I don't really

1:15:51

tell him strip club protocol because here's

1:15:53

the thing I don't want I wouldn't

1:15:55

go for the dance to go for

1:15:57

the camaraderie. Yeah, that's South Florida, Florida

1:16:00

is you were there club energy let me and understands

1:16:02

that she goes no I get it you go you

1:16:04

have fun with your boys you get a lap dance

1:16:06

whatever it's fine yeah the

1:16:08

lap dance too is like can get aggressive

1:16:10

I remember I was in Alaska once

1:16:13

a quick Alaska strip club

1:16:15

story yeah so I'm in Alaska I'm

1:16:17

doing a conference go ahead great American

1:16:20

bus company no well maybe I guess

1:16:22

the name of it it was in was

1:16:24

it angry truth angry there was a place called

1:16:27

coots it was a bar Chilku Charlie Chilku Charlie's

1:16:29

yeah and I was doing a some sort of

1:16:31

a conference there right there makes a trip I

1:16:33

know the strip club I got his rules okay

1:16:35

I knew we were Eskimo brothers and

1:16:38

allegedly yeah we both fucked

1:16:40

in Eskimo that's cool so

1:16:43

I went left Chilku Charlie's a famous bar look

1:16:45

it up if you're around there go they've got

1:16:47

like 19 bars one of them

1:16:49

is called the bird room because it's where they

1:16:52

like killed an ostrich in front of its family or

1:16:54

Tom will never go there in his entire life you

1:16:56

will never step foot no I went to

1:16:59

Alaska to Chilku Charlie's he will never go to

1:17:01

Chilku Charlie's it is not your it's weird it's

1:17:03

weird it's like a it's like a strip mall

1:17:05

with a bunch of bars in it but

1:17:07

it's got like a fish stand the food's good it's

1:17:10

just a bunch of bars one of them is like

1:17:12

an earthquake hit the bar so the room is like

1:17:14

upside down like Pee Wee's Playhouse right minus the puppets

1:17:16

and you went from the bar they took you to

1:17:18

the strip club from there yeah so I get it

1:17:21

pull up a video a picture of it great Alaskan

1:17:23

Bush Company I follow them on Instagram so and so

1:17:25

I go get a fish sandwich they've got like a

1:17:27

drop-through window in the bar Tommy and

1:17:29

I go let me get a fish sandwich to

1:17:31

go and I go put ketchup on it because

1:17:34

I'm a fucking freak and I'm eating

1:17:36

the sandwich on the way over and I spill

1:17:38

ketchup on my pants classic Phil okay ketchup

1:17:41

drips right out of the sandwich I'm a little

1:17:43

messy I got condiments on my pants that's what

1:17:45

she said and there's ketchup all over my knees

1:17:47

at the same time I go in the strip

1:17:49

club gal we got

1:17:52

about 10 minutes before shop closes up

1:17:54

semi-sonic semi-sonic is already in the fucking

1:17:56

playlist closing time some fucking poor guys

1:17:58

in the corner going Hors.

1:18:00

Hors. And I got this

1:18:03

girl dancing on me and she's dancing.

1:18:05

She's doing a good job. She knows there's about seven

1:18:07

minutes left. It's go time. It's Kobe in the fourth

1:18:09

quarter. Yeah. And she's going hard

1:18:11

on the paint like Cedric Sibelos in 1996 versus the

1:18:13

Pistons. And

1:18:15

so I go, okay, let's do this. She's

1:18:17

backing it up, fingering all sorts

1:18:19

of weird buttons. And then all

1:18:21

of a sudden she stands up and goes, are you bleeding?

1:18:23

Or she goes, do you know you're bleeding? And I go,

1:18:26

you know you're dancing, right? Still? And

1:18:28

she gets blood doesn't stop in your fucking

1:18:30

agenda. So then she keeps

1:18:32

dancing over the bloody knees and

1:18:35

then gets off and says, you know, that'll

1:18:37

be two fish or however, whatever their currency

1:18:39

is in Alaska. I paid her in fucking

1:18:41

cookies or something. And she was big.

1:18:43

And so I gave her some treats. I got up,

1:18:45

I gave her cash, you know, but it was dipped

1:18:48

in Cool Whip because she was big. And so I

1:18:50

got into the cab and the cab driver, swear to

1:18:52

God, Tommy goes, I was just too close. I don't

1:18:54

know where he was from, but I

1:18:56

don't do accents either. Could have been

1:18:58

Italian, Japanese, Jamaican and a rabbi.

1:19:00

So he goes, how did you go? And I

1:19:03

go, it was great. The classic

1:19:05

case of the ketchup pants, trying to make small

1:19:07

talk. He goes, I've been there. What?

1:19:10

What do you mean you've been there? This

1:19:12

is the first time occurrence. But I guess

1:19:14

ketchup pants, dancing over bloody knees is a

1:19:16

real thing. Oh, ketchup pants. Yeah, yeah. Full

1:19:19

nude. I brought a whole bunch of people there

1:19:22

on a work trip thinking it was

1:19:24

just casual strip club where like topless and you

1:19:26

could drink at the bar. And

1:19:28

the girl sitting next to me, editor name

1:19:30

out, was like, this is full

1:19:32

fucking nude. I was like, what? She goes, I'm looking

1:19:34

through this woman. And the girl

1:19:37

on all fours and they're posting it all away. And

1:19:39

I'm going like, ah, this is awkward. I

1:19:41

thought this was. Oh, you got to edit

1:19:43

this out too. So this is real talk.

1:19:45

So we bring- How much are we leaving

1:19:47

in today? I'll keep it in. We

1:19:50

bring- Oh, he looks like he's

1:19:52

the son of a strip club owner. He's like, I got to

1:19:54

clean this up. It was on the board, on the spectrum. Yeah.

1:20:00

they've already been a dance oh no

1:20:02

you gotta get a lab dance he's

1:20:05

like this this is

1:20:08

how this figure how you feeling you

1:20:10

I'm so stimulated right now oh my

1:20:12

god I'm so stimulated sounds like a

1:20:14

word I

1:20:16

was like yeah they stimulate you I was like did

1:20:19

you even come did you even go no

1:20:21

but we should leave those

1:20:25

strip clubs gonna be fucking wild you can spend

1:20:27

a lot of money in there I used to

1:20:29

see in Los Angeles not Dallas range who was

1:20:31

the black guy remember him there

1:20:35

was a weather guy no sports guy yeah for

1:20:37

cake cake L9 black out of the fro

1:20:39

really massive for that guy I know that

1:20:41

guy oh man it was one of the

1:20:43

first celebs I met in LA when I

1:20:45

when I went to a setup shop there

1:20:48

and it was at the Rhino downtown you know where

1:20:50

that is the rhino screaming right now one of the

1:20:52

better strip clubs in Los Angeles and he was sitting

1:20:55

in the corner in like the VIP booth the champagne

1:20:57

room and I walked by and I gave

1:20:59

him there he is Jim Hill this guy's a

1:21:01

man son of a bitch yeah he's the sports

1:21:03

guy yeah oh he's a

1:21:05

sports guy he knows how many rebounds Tom

1:21:07

Chambers got and how many kids Denise has

1:21:12

so I'm just saying you know staff yeah so he's in the

1:21:14

corner shooting me finger

1:21:17

guns and I'm just avoiding eye contact cuz I don't

1:21:19

want to see me there cuz they hope you

1:21:22

know how do I know he's not gonna talk about me

1:21:24

on the 10 o'clock news yeah yeah yeah in other news

1:21:26

dr. Phil's you know getting a hand job from a you

1:21:28

know two-legged cinnamon twist some

1:21:31

of the strippers are crippled I'm

1:21:36

fucking wasted okay we

1:21:38

should go strip club yeah I mean

1:21:40

we did the game I mean

1:21:54

um we could take a shot let's

1:21:56

do a shot we could do a

1:21:58

couple more questions but No,

1:22:01

it's hard to top that. I think it's great.

1:22:03

It's been a great episode. Yeah. How does this

1:22:05

rank for you guys? Oh man. Pretty fun. This

1:22:07

is so fucking fun. We come back anytime. I

1:22:09

do want to say, Bert, you're going

1:22:11

to be a guest on the Dr. Phil Live show

1:22:14

in Los Angeles at the Comedy Store. Netflix

1:22:16

is a joke and we're going to live

1:22:18

stream it. Tickets to Dr. Phil Live.tv. And

1:22:20

Dr. Phil... So you're Mark Norman, Dr. Phil...

1:22:22

Dr. Phil Live is streaming tonight. Yeah.

1:22:26

So if you're watching this... Yes. Go

1:22:29

buy tickets. Dr. Phil Live.tv. And all the

1:22:31

episodes are on YouTube. When is Dr. Pimplebopber

1:22:33

going to be there? Pimplebopber is going to be there and the Googoo

1:22:35

dolls. Johnny Resick is going to be there. Wait, what are you being

1:22:37

serious? Yep. I know you

1:22:39

know her. I love her. Me too. She's

1:22:41

sexy. She will be cutting off skin tags

1:22:43

on me live. I can't wait. Tell her

1:22:45

to bring her tools. I cannot wait. I hope

1:22:47

I can't get that. She's already bringing them. She told me I'm

1:22:49

bringing my tools and I said I'm bringing my toys. God, you're

1:22:51

talking awesome. So let's have a sort fight. Bang, bang. When

1:22:54

are you coming? Nicky Glaser has done it. Matt

1:22:56

Rife, Santino Bobby, Tommy. I think we're... We're talking

1:22:58

about a day coming up with you as well.

1:23:01

It's a lot of fun. They're all on YouTube. Check them

1:23:03

out. No, it was a joy to have you here. Thank

1:23:05

you for coming. I appreciate it. If you learned something, we

1:23:07

had a lot of laughs. I've got to be honest. I

1:23:09

don't want to just throw a cum in your happy meal,

1:23:11

but this is just... Sorry,

1:23:14

I'm trying to... You ever just

1:23:16

try to coin phrases that aren't phrases yet? People

1:23:18

know. I'm not down with that. I

1:23:21

don't want to put another Jew on the fire.

1:23:23

Yeah, well, mine was a little safer, but this

1:23:25

is the best valk I've ever had. Thank you

1:23:28

very much. I'm not bumping around. I appreciate it.

1:23:30

Hey, poor me and Osos. That's what she said.

1:23:32

We'll be right back. Thank you, guys. See

1:23:35

you next time.