0:02

Hey, slight changers. This summer,

0:04

Pushkin is going to the Olympics. Our

0:06

friends across the Pushkin network are sharing

0:09

all sorts of stories about one of the world's

0:11

biggest sporting events. They're talking

0:13

to a coach who counsels all the Olympic

0:15

coaches. They're diving deep into

0:17

the latest sports science, and they're sharing

0:19

the origin story of brands like Puma

0:21

and Adidas. Here at a slight

0:24

change of plans. For the next few weeks,

0:26

we're going to be hearing from three Olympic swimmers

0:28

about how they handled some fascinating

0:30

life transitions. I really think

0:33

you'll love this series. I hope you enjoy

0:35

it Pushkin.

0:55

I remember sitting behind the wheel just

0:58

crying the entire way

1:00

to practice and just knowing

1:02

that I was gonna go, and that I was about to

1:04

jump into a freezing cold pool and swim

1:06

for two hours and be disappointed with how I

1:08

did.

1:10

Swimmer Missy Franklin won four Olympic

1:12

gold medals as a teenager, but

1:14

as she trained for her second Olympics,

1:17

she found herself unexpectedly struggling

1:20

with so much to defend. The

1:22

pool suddenly felt like a pressure cooker.

1:25

This is not just a swim mate. This is who

1:27

I am. And if I don't do this,

1:30

why am I here? What is my worth? I have none

1:33

if I can't do this and do it well.

1:38

On today's episode, when the loss

1:41

of an identity threatens your self

1:43

worth, I'm

1:46

maya Shunker and this is a slight change

1:48

of plans, a show about who we

1:50

are and who we become in the face

1:52

of a big change.

2:05

At just seventeen years old, Missy

2:07

Franklin was laser focused on qualifying

2:09

for the twenty twelve Olympics in London. This

2:12

dream was years in the making. From

2:15

the time Missy was a little kid, swimming

2:17

had been at the center of her life.

2:19

I got into the water because my mom never

2:22

learned how to swim, and she didn't want to pass

2:24

that fear down on to me, and she

2:26

signed us up for a mommy and me class at our

2:28

local YMCA when I was six months old,

2:31

and I was that baby that was getting

2:33

dunked under and coming back up, just

2:36

laughing and loving every second

2:38

of it. And so even though to

2:40

some it seems

2:43

crazy to be training for an Olympics at

2:45

seventeen, to me, I

2:47

was just doing what I loved every single

2:49

day, and there was hard work, but

2:51

I never saw anything I did as sacrifice

2:54

because it was my goal and it was my dream.

2:57

I wasn't concerned about other people's expectations.

3:00

I wasn't concerned about what other people

3:02

wanted me to achieve. I had

3:04

my own dreams, my own goals, and I was focused

3:06

on those. So in twenty twelve, that's

3:09

just what I was working towards every single day.

3:12

You mentioned that you never thought of your

3:14

commitment as sacrifice because

3:16

you loved it so much. Share a bit

3:18

more about what that commitment looked like. What was

3:20

your everyday life like in the lead up to twenty

3:22

twelve.

3:23

We'd practice Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,

3:26

so that means swimming twice, once in the morning,

3:28

once in the afternoon, each for about two

3:30

hours, and then we'd have single swim

3:32

sessions on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.

3:35

But I don't think people can

3:38

sometimes totally comprehend the

3:40

fact that it is a twenty four to seven

3:42

job because everything needs

3:44

to be supported by everything you're doing outside

3:46

of that space as well. So it's

3:48

your sleep, it's your nutrition, it's your

3:50

recovery. And then also I

3:52

was seventeen years old, right, So I was going to high

3:55

school.

3:55

I was still in school every.

3:57

Single day, and then traveling and doing

3:59

different promos for the United States Olympic

4:01

and Paralympic Committee and NBC and

4:04

traveling for different meats preparing leading

4:06

up to that summer. But it sounds

4:09

like a lot. It was also all that I

4:11

knew, So to me, that was just

4:13

life.

4:14

Yeah, tell me a bit more about

4:18

where your head was at as you were you

4:20

were prepping for London, and it's

4:22

wow, like maybe these big dreams of mine can

4:25

actually come true.

4:26

Yeah, so I think heading into London,

4:29

my goal truly was to make the team,

4:31

like that was really all that I had set on myself.

4:34

And if you talk to any swimmer,

4:37

they will tell you that Olympic trials

4:39

is infinitely more intense

4:41

and more pressure filled than the actual Olympics

4:44

themselves, because once you

4:46

made the team, you made

4:48

it right, you're an Olympian, Like you

4:50

get to be an Olympian for the rest of your life.

4:53

But our races come down to

4:56

hundreds of a second, and

4:58

so there's no room for or mistake,

5:00

there's no room for air. You might

5:02

get sick, you might get injured, like if

5:04

you have a bad sleep the night before, Like,

5:06

there's so many variables that could

5:09

impact these singular eight days

5:11

that you have to make an Olympic

5:13

team.

5:15

You had mentioned to me that you didn't

5:18

feel the pressure, the weight of other people's expectations

5:21

at this stage, and so was that partly

5:23

why you were able to be

5:26

cool and collected during those

5:28

trials.

5:28

I think a lot of it was just the.

5:32

Fact that I was seventeen and I was naive,

5:35

and that just absolutely played to my advantage

5:37

of again, I was just out there

5:40

doing what I loved.

5:42

So, I mean, Missy, your

5:44

performance in those games was just absolutely

5:47

unreal. Do you mind sharing your

5:49

accomplishments?

5:50

So after Olympic trials,

5:52

I had qualified for my first Olympic

5:55

Games and seven events, and then actually

5:58

arriving in London, being in

6:00

the village and getting to walk onto the Olympic

6:02

pool deck for the first time, all of it

6:05

was just so surreal. I ended up

6:07

walking away from those games with four

6:09

gold medals, one bronze, and two

6:11

world records.

6:16

So astonishing to

6:18

hear those words like I know that,

6:21

I know that, but just to like hear that is insane.

6:23

It's like oh yeah, I forgot about the bronze ones

6:25

as well, and like the world records

6:28

And is there any specific memory you have from

6:31

those games and your celebrations.

6:33

Yeah, oh my gosh, And it has nothing

6:36

to do with a single one of those medals. The

6:38

night that I had won my first gold medal, I

6:41

was still writing such a high from

6:43

that whole evening and just everything

6:46

that came with it. And we were at the warm up

6:48

pool in the village and I checked

6:50

my phone and I had a tweet from

6:53

Justin Bieber, and I

6:56

lost my mind. Like

6:59

if you can just imagine

7:01

like seventeen year old Missy like

7:03

running circles around the

7:05

pool in the middle of the Olympic village,

7:08

just like screaming like a little girl

7:10

that she'd gotten a tweet from Justin Bieber. Like it

7:13

just was like the perfect example

7:15

of again.

7:16

Yes, I was so happy to be there.

7:18

I couldn't believe I was accomplishing those things,

7:20

but I was also just a seventeen year old

7:22

girl.

7:22

Wow. So I want to talk about the

7:25

aftermath of your success, because sometimes

7:27

we don't pay enough attention to what follows

7:30

these massive, epic, life changing

7:32

wins. You know, you come back to the US

7:34

and your four time

7:36

gold medalist, Missy Franklin. You

7:39

immediately go back to training and preparing

7:42

for now the twenty sixteen Olympic

7:44

Games. And as

7:46

you started to train for those, you began

7:49

to face some new challenges.

7:52

Do you mind telling me a bit about those?

7:54

Yeah, that's funnily enough.

7:56

What a lot of people don't understand is

7:58

that as soon as an Olympic Games is so, we

8:00

might take a couple of weeks off, but

8:02

the next summer for US is World Championships,

8:05

and so we get right back into training

8:07

because we have a really serious meet again

8:09

next summer. And so I remember

8:12

particularly coming back from London

8:14

and thinking that I

8:17

wanted to prove that I wasn't just a one hit

8:19

wonder. That I wanted to go to Worlds

8:22

in twenty thirteen and have an

8:24

unbelievable performance almost to back

8:26

London up in a way, to kind of prove that

8:30

I can do this again. And so I

8:32

worked so hard that year, which

8:34

was my senior year of high school, ended

8:37

up going to Worlds. I won six gold medals

8:39

at World Championships, and it was just

8:41

like again a dream experience.

8:44

And then I went to college so I

8:46

swam for two years at the University of California,

8:49

Berkeley, and then I turned professional

8:51

in twenty fifteen leading up to the

8:54

twenty sixteen Olympic Games in Rio,

8:57

and I would say that that was

8:59

when they really changed for me. I

9:02

was at that point twenty years old, so I

9:04

was still very young, but I was.

9:06

No longer naive. I

9:08

was no longer a rookie.

9:09

It's so hard getting to the top,

9:12

but it's even harder staying

9:14

there. And now I did

9:16

have those expectations and that pressure,

9:18

and then you add new sponsors

9:21

on top of that, and swimming now becoming

9:23

my job as opposed to just

9:26

something that I love and enjoy. And

9:29

I think that for me is what completely

9:32

changed my mindset, and

9:34

I lost all sense of balance

9:38

during that time. I think I got in

9:40

the mindset for Rio that in order

9:42

for me to be the best I'd ever been, I

9:45

needed to just commit and

9:47

devote myself fully to my

9:49

sport.

9:50

I think for some athletes.

9:52

It works to completely

9:54

devote themselves to their sport and to not

9:57

have balance in their life, just to be they

9:59

live and they breathe their sport, and

10:01

that is what works for them. I

10:04

learned in that period that that is not something

10:06

that worked for me. When swimming

10:09

became my whole world, it also

10:11

became my whole identity, and

10:13

so bad practices, bad

10:15

races I began equating

10:18

with bad sense of self and

10:20

self worth and self esteem,

10:23

and so it was such a hard time for me.

10:25

I was very, very lonely, and.

10:28

I started to feel the world's pressure on me

10:30

as well that not only was I expected

10:32

to make the team, but I was expected

10:34

to go back to Rio and have an even better

10:37

performance there than I did in London.

10:40

What was it now like day to day as

10:42

your training?

10:43

It was so hard for me, Maya, because there

10:45

were days that I was so

10:48

confused because I had never felt

10:50

like this before. So there were mornings where my

10:52

alarm would go off at four forty five. I'd

10:54

be getting up on my way to practice, but I

10:57

remember sitting behind the wheel just

10:59

crying the entire way

11:01

to practice and just knowing

11:03

that I was going to go and that I was about

11:05

to jump into a freezing cold pool and swim

11:07

for two hours and be disappointed with how

11:09

I did. But I was going to do it anyway

11:12

because I felt like I had no choice.

11:15

I've read that when people had asked

11:17

young Missy, like seventeen year old Missy, what

11:19

advice do you have for people who don't

11:21

want to go to practice or are struggling with their

11:23

motivation, you would cheepishly

11:27

be like, I've never really had that problem.

11:29

Yeah, I just love going to the pool,

11:31

and I actually don't face those

11:33

motivational challenges because this is the thing that

11:35

I'm so passionate about.

11:37

It was so funny to

11:39

me that I was put in those situations,

11:41

and I would always feel so horrible

11:44

when I would have young athletes come up and ask

11:46

what to do in periods of plateau or

11:49

when they weren't feeling motivated.

11:51

And I would have nothing to say.

11:53

I had truly just always been so happy

11:55

and enjoyed the sports so much. And

11:57

the amount of other swimmers that would

11:59

come up to me after they had gotten

12:01

to know me that told me we

12:03

thought it was an act, Like we thought

12:05

that it was all for the media, that it was all

12:08

like that you just love like we didn't

12:10

believe that someone could actually love this

12:12

sport that much. And now that we know you,

12:15

we see that it's real and it's

12:17

authentic and you actually love

12:19

swimming as much as you say you do with

12:22

that.

12:22

And that completely disappeared.

12:24

Leading up to Rio.

12:25

I think I became so focused

12:28

on the expectation and I put so much

12:31

pressure on myself that swimming

12:34

very very quickly became

12:36

not fun for me.

12:38

What was what was happening to your mental

12:40

health around this time?

12:42

So I don't think I really

12:44

realized what was happening because

12:46

I had never experienced anything like

12:49

this, and so it

12:51

was months and months and months before

12:53

I think it finally hit me that this

12:55

is something bigger, like something

12:57

much deeper is going on here that I

13:00

don't know how to name, I don't know how to diagnose.

13:03

All I know is that I am

13:05

deeply, deeply unhappy and

13:07

feel very alone and very sad.

13:10

And so it wasn't until I

13:13

think around March or April of twenty

13:15

sixteen, so that is I

13:18

mean, months before, months before

13:20

Olympic trials, where I finally

13:23

called a meeting with my swim coach and

13:25

my strength and conditioning coach and I

13:27

just looked at them and I said, something is wrong,

13:30

like something is very wrong. And

13:32

I had been trying to push through it. I

13:34

had been trying to pretend that it wasn't

13:37

there. And that's why I'm

13:39

not a fan of the phrase fake it till you make

13:41

it, because I think that can lead

13:43

to tendencies of repressing things as opposed

13:45

to truly addressing them. And

13:47

I was trying to fake it at practice. I was

13:50

trying to fake it at competitions that I was confident,

13:52

that I was calm, that everything was going to be okay,

13:55

but my mind knew, and

13:57

if your mind knows, your body knows. And

14:00

I was just fighting it constantly, and

14:02

the exhaustion was unlike

14:04

anything I had ever felt before in my life,

14:07

and of course that was inhibiting my performance.

14:10

And so I sat down with them and they immediately

14:12

got me into a primary care doctor,

14:14

to a sports psychologist, and

14:16

I got immediately diagnosed with depression,

14:19

insomnia, anxiety, and

14:22

an eating disorder as well, which was

14:24

something that I knew I had been battling

14:26

for several months, but to actually put

14:29

a name to it, I think was really

14:32

really tough, and it

14:35

was so overwhelming, Maya, to

14:37

get all of that at one time, and

14:39

to think that I literally had

14:41

months when people were expecting

14:44

me to be the best I had ever been,

14:47

and I had never felt further from

14:50

that.

14:51

I wonder was there ever a script that

14:53

was playing in your mind or a

14:56

certain kind of rumination pattern

14:58

that you felt yourself falling into.

15:00

Yeah, I mean I think that rumination and

15:02

that pattern was just negative self

15:05

talk. It kind of dawned on me

15:08

that I hadn't said something kind

15:10

to myself in months,

15:13

that I hadn't said something encouraging

15:16

to myself. And for those that

15:18

know me, I am the most positive,

15:20

optimistic person that you

15:23

will ever meet. And that

15:25

person was gone. And it's

15:27

so crazy to think that she

15:31

fully disappeared before I

15:33

even realized she was fading.

15:35

You know.

15:35

It was just such a stark contrast.

15:37

And I think it's that double edged sword

15:40

of the elite athlete mentality

15:42

of you just keep going and you

15:44

just figure it out, like we're just we

15:47

have that mindset to keep pushing and to

15:49

keep moving forward.

15:50

But when that comes to mental health.

15:52

I think that that can be so damaging

15:56

because if you're pushing through that and not

15:58

addressing it, it's only going

16:00

to get harder to deal with as

16:02

time goes on. Because in my case, the

16:04

problems were just getting more severe.

16:07

And what kinds of things would you say to yourself.

16:09

I think my berating of myself

16:11

really came down to not believing

16:14

I had any worth outside

16:16

of what I could do in a pool. So

16:18

if I wasn't capable of

16:21

breaking world records and winning gold

16:23

medals, why was I

16:25

here? You know, what other purpose

16:27

did I serve other than to do

16:30

what I was put on this earth to do, which in my

16:32

mind was to swim like that.

16:34

That was it.

16:35

That's all I had ever known since I was so young,

16:37

and all I had ever known was that success.

16:39

So I think it really just came down to

16:42

not understanding or not knowing what

16:44

my worth was.

16:46

If it wasn't in the pool.

16:49

What do you think gave rise to the

16:52

eating disorder in particular? Tell

16:54

me a bit more about that.

16:55

So, I think, with my self

16:58

worth being the lowest it had ever been in

17:00

and again, feeling so out of control,

17:03

I turned to the one thing I felt

17:05

like I could control, which was

17:08

my nutrition and my body. And

17:10

so, of course it's a tough scenario as

17:12

an adolescent female to be in anyway,

17:15

right, being in a swimsuit in front of

17:17

so many people and trying

17:20

to deal with that. And I think when I was younger

17:22

and growing up, I really had this respect

17:25

for my body that I

17:27

couldn't do what I did in

17:29

the water without my body, without

17:31

my broad shoulders, without being six

17:33

' to two, without having size twelve feet.

17:36

It allowed me to accomplish the things that I

17:39

accomplished, but then when I stopped

17:41

accomplishing those, it was

17:43

like, well, then what is this body worth.

17:45

It's not helping me, it's not aiding me, So

17:48

it doesn't have to be like this. So

17:50

I got so restrictive in

17:53

my intake calorically, and I

17:55

think it had a huge impact on my performance.

17:58

And here I am training.

17:59

Two to four hours a day, eating

18:02

barely enough calories. I mean,

18:05

I don't know how I was doing it. And

18:08

so all those diagnoses were just so hard

18:10

because we didn't have time

18:13

to go to the foundation and

18:15

systemically fix the problem, like we

18:18

were trying to put a band aid

18:20

over a gaping wound that needed

18:23

staples.

18:25

You're a few months away from needing

18:29

to compete in Rio, and not just compete,

18:31

defend your titles, defend

18:33

your your ranking, your reputation

18:35

in the world of swimming. What did

18:37

that version of bandating look like?

18:40

Yeah?

18:40

So, well, the other piece of all of this is

18:42

that I actually did sustain a

18:44

physical injury in April, So

18:47

I injured my shoulder in April,

18:50

and again that was something that we

18:52

didn't have time to fix. And so

18:54

at that point, I'm just distraught,

18:57

like I'm now emotionally and physically

19:00

so far away from where I need to be. So

19:03

my band aid solution was

19:06

immediately getting in with the sports psychologist,

19:09

a nutritionist, and a physical therapist,

19:12

and those three were there to just do

19:15

what they could. Before Olympic trials,

19:18

we had, you know, eight to twelve weeks of time

19:20

to work with to try and get me in the best position

19:23

possible. And I think we all knew

19:25

going into it that I was nowhere near

19:27

one hundred percent, but I was at the percentage

19:30

I was at, and that was all that I was

19:32

going to have to give. And I remember

19:34

going into Olympic Trials just

19:36

being absolutely terrified.

19:40

Did you find yourself having to do some

19:42

of these hacky, fake it till you

19:44

make it type strategies just to get by

19:46

during that time?

19:47

Yes?

19:47

And what did that look like?

19:49

It was just the big old miss

19:51

you smile. And it was the first

19:53

time in my life that it wasn't genuine but

19:56

I was trying to put that smile on for everyone

19:58

else. I was trying to be that happy,

20:00

bubbly seventeen year old that they all

20:02

remembered and were expecting me to be, even

20:05

though I had probably never felt

20:08

further from her in my life.

20:10

And I just didn't want

20:12

to let people down.

20:15

And so I remember going into trials

20:17

not out of joy or

20:19

excitement and love for the sport, but

20:21

just being absolutely terrified that I

20:24

wasn't going to do what was expected of

20:26

me.

20:27

And how did the trials go?

20:29

Yeah, so definitely

20:31

off to a rocky start for trials for

20:33

Rio. I failed to make the team

20:35

in the event that I was the reigning Olympic champion

20:38

in from twenty twelve, and

20:41

not even that, I mean I got seventh, so there's

20:44

only eight people in a heat, so I almost got dead.

20:46

Last in my heat.

20:47

And I remember going back to my hotel room that

20:49

night and sobbing, like just

20:52

absolu, like I felt embarrassed,

20:54

like I felt ashamed. I was just holding

20:57

so much, and I kind

20:59

of just gave myself talk in the hotel room

21:01

of you know, you can pack

21:03

up and leave right now, like you can get

21:05

on a flight and you can go home, but

21:08

you will never forgive yourself

21:10

like you can do that. Or you

21:12

can go out and you can finish this swim meet, and

21:15

it may continue to be embarrassing. You

21:17

may not make this Olympic team. You

21:19

may be more heartbroken and disappointed than

21:21

you've ever been, but it would be nothing

21:24

compared to if you didn't try.

21:29

We'll be back in a moment with a slight change

21:31

of plans.

21:44

Despite a disappointing performance at

21:47

the twenty sixteen Olympic Trials, Missy

21:49

still qualified to compete for the US.

21:52

She would swim in three events in Rio.

21:56

The night before her first event, Missy

21:58

and her teammates celebrated at the opening

22:00

ceremony, but when she returned

22:02

back to her room in the Olympic village, she

22:05

was hit with an overwhelming sense of dread.

22:08

I remember calling my parents the night before

22:11

the meat started, and I was

22:13

crying so hard I could barely breathe. I

22:16

remember my dad, in particular, just

22:18

repeating over and over again. He was

22:20

like, honey, it is just a

22:23

swim meat. It is just a

22:26

swim meat. And I, like, I just

22:28

couldn't like comprehend

22:30

what he was saying. And I knew what he was trying

22:33

to do, but in my mind, like it

22:35

was so much more than that.

22:37

What I'm hearing from you is that your

22:40

dad's telling you, Missy, this is just

22:42

a swim meet, and you're thinking, no,

22:45

this is my opportunity to defend

22:47

my existence on the planet Earth.

22:49

Exactly. Yes, I'm like, this is not just

22:51

a swim mate. This is who I am.

22:54

And if I don't do this, why

22:57

am I here?

22:57

What is my worth?

22:58

I have none if I can't do this and do

23:00

it well. And so the

23:02

next eight days were so tough. I

23:05

didn't make the top eight in any

23:07

of my individual events. I swam

23:09

on the morning prelims relay of the eight

23:11

hundred freestyle relay, and my time

23:14

was not fast enough to put me on the finals

23:16

relay.

23:17

But the way that.

23:18

Swimming works is if you are

23:20

a prelim swimmer on a relay, even

23:22

if you aren't in the group of four that

23:24

wins the medal in finals, you

23:27

still get that medal. So I

23:29

still won a gold medal because my

23:32

amazing teammates were able to bring

23:34

home the golds in the eight hundred freestyle

23:36

relay in Rio. I

23:38

watched them do it in a beam bag chair

23:41

on TV from the village, and

23:44

that was how I won my fifth gold medal.

23:47

That whole competition for me, truly

23:49

was just survival.

23:53

I've looked back at footage and I've read interviews

23:55

from that time, and Missy,

23:58

I feel like you could hold a master class

24:00

in the art of graciousness

24:03

in face of defeat and failure and

24:05

lost. It was so

24:08

inspiring for me to see

24:10

how you engaged with your teammates,

24:13

with the press, with everyone

24:15

that week. I mean, like we all aspire as

24:17

human beings to act

24:20

like that when we lose.

24:24

That means so much to me.

24:25

Truly, that is the highest compliment

24:28

I can I could ever ask to receive, and

24:31

that was what I decided to do there

24:33

is I realized very quickly that I

24:36

was not going to be an inspiration like I was

24:38

in London by winning gold medals and breaking

24:40

world records. I had always

24:42

talked about the kind of person I wanted

24:44

to be in defeat, and now

24:47

was my chance to prove it and.

24:48

To actually be that person.

24:51

And if there was anything I could

24:53

walk away being proud of from those

24:56

eight days, I wanted it to be how

24:58

I handled myself outside of the

25:00

pool.

25:02

So you wrap up a very challenging week

25:04

in Rio and you fly home. What

25:07

were the days and weeks like after?

25:11

I mean, it's hard to put into words.

25:13

I was feeling so many different emotions

25:15

and just ultimately just

25:18

sadness and disappointment. We

25:20

got home, and we landed back in the US

25:23

and back in Colorado,

25:25

and we were driving home and as

25:27

we pulled into my neighborhood and pulled up to my

25:29

house, all the kids of

25:31

the neighborhood were standing there with

25:34

signs and they had made cut

25:36

out hearts and they had all written ways

25:38

that I had inspired them in Rio, and they

25:40

had put them all over my yard. And

25:43

I remember just like completely breaking

25:45

down in that moment and realizing who

25:48

you are and what you do outside

25:50

of the competition space can actually

25:53

have a significantly bigger impact

25:55

than what you do inside of it. And

25:59

I think that was step one of the

26:01

healing process, because I don't think I

26:03

believed that at the time of myself,

26:06

but just to know that other people did,

26:09

and to be surrounded by that much love

26:11

and grace and compassion was

26:13

just like, was so

26:15

beautiful and so moving. I went

26:17

back to college I immediately

26:20

got bilateral shoulder surgery and

26:22

then started working with

26:24

a therapist, immediately started meeting

26:27

once a week, super regular in person.

26:30

I wanted it to be true therapy

26:32

and not just sports psychology, because I knew

26:34

that my issues kind of stemmed deeper

26:37

than just sports, and how it had rooted

26:39

into every aspect of my life.

26:41

And by the way, what an important

26:44

realization to thank you?

26:46

You know?

26:46

Yeah, I think that reflects something like

26:48

even symbolically, which is so important, which

26:50

is given again

26:53

that your identity had been so tether to being

26:55

a swimmer. What that tells me

26:57

is that you were interested in treating

27:00

not just Missy the athlete for the sake of

27:02

improved performance, but Missy the person.

27:04

That's a beautiful way of putting it.

27:06

I don't think I've ever looked at it that way, but I

27:08

did understand that it was Missy

27:11

the person that was the most broken.

27:14

And so it was a long, long

27:16

process. I, emotionally and

27:18

mentally, over time, was

27:21

able to heal and learn and

27:23

grow and get into a place where,

27:26

maybe for the first time in my life, I understood

27:29

that what I could do in a pool has nothing

27:31

to do with who I am as a person

27:33

and my self worth and my value and what I

27:35

have to offer, and I began to

27:37

see myself as more than just the

27:40

swimmer and everything that came along with

27:42

that. And it was so incredibly

27:45

freeing and powerful to experience

27:48

that. And then I

27:50

dreamed of this amazing, epic,

27:53

incredible comeback, and unfortunately

27:56

the physical injuries just wouldn't let it

27:58

it happen. Getting to that place from

28:00

the mental standpoint and then physically

28:03

not being able to continue to compete when

28:05

I felt like I was ready, like I could

28:08

and like I wanted to was devastating.

28:11

Yeah.

28:12

Yeah, I can feel the intoxication of

28:14

an epic comeback and what

28:17

a satisfying narrative that would be. How

28:19

did you handle the disappointment of because

28:22

what I'm hearing from you is that you put

28:24

in all the mental labor to get yourself

28:26

back to a healthier place, but your

28:28

body wasn't cooperating right,

28:30

Your shoulder injury was not improving,

28:33

And so how did you handle that frustration.

28:37

As an elite athlete?

28:39

And I just think as a person, I mean, you don't

28:41

even have to be an athlete when

28:43

your body is inhibiting

28:45

you from doing something you

28:48

feel trapped, you

28:50

feel angry, you feel frustrated,

28:52

because in my mind, there was nothing

28:54

from a physical standpoint that I

28:57

couldn't push through. And I tried

28:59

so hard and I did everything possible.

29:02

And it was a conversation

29:04

that I had with my now husband

29:06

at the time, and he said, honey,

29:09

I want you to be able to throw our kids

29:11

up in the air one day without pain. Like

29:13

That's what he was thinking of, and

29:16

he knew those were my priorities as well.

29:19

I truly just came to that realization

29:21

that even if I went through everything

29:24

that my surgeons were suggesting,

29:27

I didn't think I was going to be at the place I needed

29:30

to be to compete at my best and represent

29:32

my country in a way that I was truly proud

29:34

of. Because I knew that

29:37

if I continued to go down this road, which

29:39

was going to be more surgeries, more

29:41

recoveries, more intensity,

29:43

with an Olympics right around the corner,

29:46

that I was going to start to lose that

29:49

mental and emotional.

29:50

State that I had worked so hard to

29:52

gain.

29:54

Yeah, and catch me up on life

29:56

today. I mean, you have so many

29:58

identities that you carry. You're

30:00

a wife, you're a mother, you're a podcaster,

30:03

you're an advocate. What is your relationship

30:05

with swimming like today?

30:07

So I do have a beautiful relationship

30:09

with swimming now, which I'm very

30:11

thankful for. I still work heavily with the

30:13

USA Swimming Foundation, which is the philanthropic

30:16

side of USA Swimming. So giving

30:18

back to the sport is incredibly important

30:21

to me because it gave me so much, and

30:23

so being able to give back working with

30:25

the Foundation providing free

30:27

and low costs from lessons to communities

30:30

that need is just a huge piece of

30:32

what I do to stay involved in the sport.

30:34

I also recently started a podcast with

30:37

my Olympic teammate Katie Hoff, and

30:40

we are so thankful

30:42

to be involved in the sport in that way and

30:44

to have these amazing conversations

30:47

with not just swimmers but athletes

30:49

about the true, vulnerable moments

30:52

of what it is that we do and what we've learned

30:54

from it, and how we can share that with

30:56

one another to help each other grow. So that's

30:59

been a beautiful way to stay involved.

31:01

And my coach would always say

31:03

that swimming is the only sport that will

31:05

save your life and that you can do for the rest

31:07

of your life. I

31:10

just know it's just like a very

31:12

old friend. Even if I go a

31:15

while without talking to it, I know that

31:17

the second I get back in, it's going to be like

31:19

no time at.

31:20

All has passed.

31:45

Hey, thanks so much for listening. If

31:47

you want to hear more conversations about what goes

31:50

on inside the minds of elite athletes,

31:52

Missy has a podcast of her own called

31:54

Unfiltered Waters. We'll link to

31:56

it in the show notes, and next

31:58

week join me for my conversation with

32:01

Paralympic gold medalist and US

32:03

Navy veteran Brad Snyder. After

32:06

a bomb left him blind, Brad

32:08

found healing in the swimming pool.

32:10

Getting into the pool was the first

32:12

time I felt like I

32:14

could wrap my arms around normal. This

32:17

was me. I was free, and I felt

32:19

there's a future here and I'm going to find my

32:21

way and it was the beginning of a real, incredible

32:24

journey.

32:25

As always, we'd be so grateful if

32:27

you can follow this show wherever you listen to

32:29

podcasts and help spread the word, whether

32:32

it's leaving a review or telling a friend

32:34

about an episode you loved. It

32:36

helps us keep making this show for you. Thanks

32:38

so much, and I'll see you next week.

32:50

A Slight Change of Plans is created, written,

32:53

and executive produced by me Maya Schunker.

32:56

The Slight Change family includes our showrunner

32:58

Tyler Green, our senior editor

33:01

Kate Parkinson Morgan, our senior

33:03

producer Trisha Bobita, and our

33:05

engineer Erica Huang. Luis

33:07

Scara wrote our delightful theme song and

33:10

Ginger Smith helped arrange the vocals. A

33:12

Slight Change of Plans is a production of Pushkin

33:15

Industries, so a big thanks to everyone

33:17

there, and of course a very

33:19

special thanks to Jimmy Leek. You

33:22

can follow A Slight Change of Plans on Instagram

33:24

at doctor Maya Schunker. See

33:26

you next week.