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(Advert) “Have you been burned alive and need compensation? Well phone us now on nought-nought-nought-two-six-four-eight-thousand, that’s right; nought-nought-nought-two-six-four-eight-thousand! Terms and conditions apply.”

Hi yaaa! All men are wankers. You know that? Well as a wife, a mother, a worker, and a lover. I know. My name’s Lindor. And I am a frumpy dumpster. And I’m going to my school reunion if it’s the last thing I do. But this bottle of Pimms and this box of Solpadine… don’t want me to leave the house!

I hadn’t spoken to anyone in ages. I’d become a bit of a recluse. So when I got an email from old flame Leo Hancock, from St. Saville’s vocational school, the years disappeared and I was right back in 1991. In Room 4 upstairs, at the blackboard. Fooling around with long-haired Mr Heavy Metal himself, Floyd Taylor. The natural light shone in as I pulled the duster away from him. I was laughing. He blew chalk dust from the shelf at me. 

I wasn’t messing you know, I wasn’t messing. It wasn’t the duster, I said.

“Ahm… What?” Floyd replied, confused, tugging at his ruby-coloured jumper. It wasn’t the duster why I came here… you don’t believe me do you? You don’t believe me do you? I repeated. “Ok-aay” he answered. When I was trying to get the duster off you, I wasn’t sure of what was going to happen next.

“Same here”, he said, “I felt like doing something, but was afraid of the reaction”. I looked at Floyd. Oh, so did I, I wanted to, but….

“Oh, don’t do this to me” he said. I know…, I answered. “You’re being cruel now. I could’ve… jus’ cruel…” he said. I looked him in the eyes and said: It’s not cruel. And stared. I think Floyd was aroused.

“What about now”? he asked. Yep, I replied. Then we kissed. It was so electric. Even more so when I opened my eyes to see Leo watching us at the door. Me knickers were in floods. 

“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this” Floyd said. I’ve wanted it too, I answered.

There were so many boys in St. Saville’s back then. Floyd Taylor. Leo Hancock at Looseholes disco, Zuberi Jelani because his Dad ran a chip shop and he had a car an’, an’ many more since, that I don’t want to count. Never mind the other admirers, like Payter Mayhem and Sean Wrigley. But they were much older and they should’ve known better! I mean I was only 25 at the time when I was still working out at the ‘Charry Marry’ Fun park. I was crying because my husband Michael dropped me off at the entrance, taunting my weight as usual.

“Fuckin’ fat cunt! If ya actually ran around lookin’ after the children ya might lose some kilos, ya lazy thick cunt!”

The ‘Old Bruiser’ himself, up to his usual put downs and insults. I slammed the car door and got the keys from the reception to open up the park toilets. But janey mack! You wouldn’t believe this! The fun park owner Payter Mayhem was wanking over a huge photocopy of my Charry Marry application picture. A big A3 colour picture of me! Well, holy god now! I was so shocked, the buckles on my dungarees blew off! Now I thought I was a decent looking girl at 25 then, but to find my boss tossing off to a huge picture of me when I applied to the park aged 12, was well, a bit sick. I didn’t wait for the apology. No sir-ee! I ran out of the toilet with Payter falling over his cords halfway down! I ran up to my parent’s home across the road from the park and phoned my husband. But he was at his anger management.

“Don’t fuckin’ interrupt me you stupid bitch, you know this drives me mental! (farts)”

So I found solace in my old Jane Fonda videos in my bedroom. They helped reduce the love-handles after my babies: Rooster… Jarvis… and Leona... I switched Jane on, tried to work out but I nearly tore the neck off meself!

“Come on girl, burn those calories!”

After a good cry I switched off Jane, changed out of my denim dungarees and put on my favourite green floral dress with frilly cuffs… Strapped on the black heels and cycled into Ratchly, “Get out of the way ya fat bitch!” … to buy some comfort food off Sorcha at the Hungry Hippo.

I chained the bike outside. In I went. Bottle of Bordeaux, Jaffa Cakes. Tub of Haagen-Dazs. £8.91, yeah I know exactly how much it costs Sorcha, thanks love, here’s a tenner, put the rest in the St. Saville’s Fundraiser box. Bye yaaa hun! But that reminded me. I hadn’t been in to see the old place since we graduated 7 years ago!

Frumpy Dumpster is an Amplevoicepod feature-length Ear-film. A podcast with bite. The fateful story of Lindor Lamb, a middle-aged woman who has just about had enough of men. As a young woman, those were naive care-free days for Lindor, until that is when she encountered Payter Mayhem at Charry Marry Fun Park and school headmaster Sean Wrigley. Further anguish was caused by her husband, the 'Old Bruiser' himself.

Frumpy Dumpster is a feature-length explicit and sometime farcical story from Amplevoicepod. We create original, scripted, character & plot-driven comedy dramas. We construct fully immersive HD audio adventures. More than just a podcast, we are the Voice of Pod.