As Baldy and Ginger look trapped upon the Savage Garden, we return to Earth and to Tucker and Arlee at 4 Hollyberry Terrace (in Ratchly)…

Tucker: It’s the jerk! The jerk! It’s in the angular jerk! I fackin’ knew it too. Ah, Newton, you took your bloody time. I’d’ve got that even before me mid-mornin’ crap!

(Makes tea, switches on 'The Sweeney' on tv)

Arlee: Ahhh Uggggn! (Backwards) “second egg, second egg, savage second egg, follow the map of moles to the reach the second egg”... (More backwards voices)... Ah new sounds Tucker! I’ve got a new entry straight in at number two!

Tucker: Wha? Look! The angular jerk Arlee! Based on my huge astronomical projection, the acceleration, or rate of change of velocity, is derived from the velocity in respect to time. That gives us the hyperbola! Yeah, of course! Acceleration can arise from a change with time of the magnitude of the velocity or of the direction of the velocity, or both! But usin’ the parallax only the magnitude, v, of the velocity decreases, but generally any change in the velocity with time, stickin’ the ‘jerk’ in, including deceleration, takes us straight to feckin’ SOUPALON!

Arlee: (Voices in his head) Aghghgh! I’m doin’ me nut, why is it gettin’ louder?

Tucker: If I stuck a VU metre on ya Arlee would it register 90 decibel?

Arlee: How the fuck should I know?

Tucker: I should put a DBF in your earhole! Then you’d know! Ooiright! I’m full of the beans tonight!

Arlee: Big bald bean in a polo neck...

(Doorbell rings)

Jagger: (Outside) Hihihih! Howayis! It’s Jagger… Open sez me! Heeeeargh.

Tucker: ♫ There’s somebody at the door! There’s somebody at the door!! There’s somebody at the door! ♫ (Unlock) Hello Jagga!

Jagger: Wheeeeze! What’s goin’ on? Are youse stoned? Here, I brought Ned Busher with me, he’s got some mad shit to tell us! But watch out, he sometimes tries to mouth the words but say nathin’!

Busher: Retard… Howaya Tucker.

Tucker: Oooiright! More the merrier! Come in the merrymen! Arlee, pipe your sounds down, we got company.

Arlee: It’s not fongin’ RTE Radio yunno! I can’t just switch the shite off!

Busher: Peah, am I trippin’? What are yis all jumpin’ around for? Crazy jumpers! Polo necks and tank tops! I’m in the 70’s… Phwizzz! Maybe this was all a big stupid mistake, a trick of me mind, Mammy said there’d be days like this after all the hash.

Tucker: What ya havin’ to drink Busher?

Busher: Wha? Oh, eh, cola please. But lissen to ME!

Tucker: Ice?

Busher: Yeah whatever, b-b-but NO! NEVER! ROBBER! LIARS! MAMMAY! Settle down yis pack of woolly hippies, they’ve taken Ginger! PHWIZZZ! GONE TO THE SKIES!

Tucker: You wot? Shut it Arlee, put a pillow on it!

Arlee: (Pillow muffled) HEY! Is that the queerhawk Busher?

Busher: Pyeah, what did that ‘Tank Top’ just say Jagger?

Jagger: Wha?

Tucker: Why are you here Jagga? I haven’t seen you in years mate, you’re lookin’ rough... Are you takin’ care of yourself?

Jagger: I’m alright Tucks, I’m fine... You have to listen what Ned has to say... Go ahead Ned, we’re listenin’...

Busher: Right... I was in me house earlier today when I was, eh, watchin’ Laura next door...

Jagger: Ah here if you’re going to say nothing then I’ll tell them...

Tucker: ‘Ay? What you doin’ Jagga?

Busher: Mmng’ burst ya bastard!.

Jagger: He’s afraid to say it and then he wants to burst me? Go on Ned take your best shot! I’ll take ya, put Jagger on the map.

Tucker: Oi! Less of it! Calm the fack down and spill the beans lads! We’ve got some news to share too...

Busher: MAMMAY!

Jagger: Alright, listen, Busher was at home wipin’ the soapy flog in the bathroom lookin’ through a pipe at Laura next door havin’ a shower... hihihiihihih

(Flashback) Busher: Oh Laura, phwizz! Why d’ya choose him? He can’t even satisfy ya! Not like I could anyway…

Ginger: Meeow (jumps, scuttles away).

Busher  Don’t you go next door to that bastard! I know they’re feedin’ ya, turnin’ ya against me! Ginger! Ginger! Come back here!

(Alarm sounds)

Busher: Hah? Laura’s back already? It’s not even lunchtime. Quick Busher, bathroom! Hope she keeps the routine now. (In Bathroom) Right, peah, what to choose today; rackflap or boxflap? Phwizzz! Both! Where’s the Boys2Men CD? (Shower curtain rail flings open. Shower FX). Oh, ooh, there you are... oh lovely Laura... Ooh you make me sick, you’re so beautiful (/flashback).

Jagger: Ah Ned, you are sick...

Busher: Shuttup right... what’s it got t’do witcha?

Jagger: See? Lost for words he is! Anyway, next thing he sez he saw Baldy, n’ Laura being-

Busher: An’ my GINGER being kidnapped out the window by some hovering orb! A spaceship!

Jagger: Now he speaks…

Tucker: A wot?

Arlee: Did you say spaceship? And Baldy? We saw a spaceship streak cross the sky through Tuckers massive Tesco telescope!

Tucker: And it’s goin’ to Soupalon! I worked it out.

Jagger: Yeah, Baldy and Laura, must be goin’ to Soupalon, you’re right!

Busher: Pyeah! The Gabbler was right for a change, youse DID fight the aliens and now they’re back! FUCKSAKE! What am I gonna do?

Tucker: Thank god you’re a pervert Ned, otherwise we may never have known.

Jagger: That’s it! But we always knew Ned’s a pervert...

Busher: Fuck off!

Arlee: Lookin’ down the pipe eh? How much did you do that? Every day? Was it good was it? Did ya, did ya see much? Did you tape it?

Busher: None of your business phwizzzz!

Arlee: It is now tho’! I’ll buy ‘em off ya.

Jagger: Calm down Ned.

Tucker: You never believed us Busher, you, like the rest of them, you never understood...

Busher: Sure how could anyone believe that bullet-belted eejit with the big tooth? He’s off with the revolting stories and Laura’s leathery bits!

Tucker: Sit down Busher...

Arlee: Mind me DJ bag.

Busher: Peah! Youse are always sittin’ me down for the next bit in the story! Tell me standin’ up for a change will ya!

Tucker: This may come as a big shock Ned...

Jagger: Do you want me to tell him Tucks?

Tucker: What do you think I’m doin’?

Arlee: Hold yer fire Jagger, Tucker’ll say it...

Busher: Hah? Say what? This is worse than the X-Factor.

Tucker: Baldy formed the resistance for a reason.

Arlee: Coz he was the first who saw the aliens, he was the first to be suspicious.

Jagger: And do you want to know why he was the first to notice?

Busher: Wrong place, wrong time n’ fell into it, knowin’ that gobshite!

Tucker: No mate, he was chosen... Baldy was meant to be revolting. He was meant to find the hermit Bop hiding in the Ballygannorn Woods-

Jagger: Ah Bop, yeah, he was fierce funny... like that fella in, eh, yunno the film with the Star Wars lads in it? The one in space... with Han Solo n’ all...

Arlee: Star Wars?

Jagger: Hah?

Tucker: Bop was a Soupalon put here to seek information on Earth and Ratchly was selected.

Jagger: The legend of the seekers...

Busher: Yeah, yeah I know all this, Gabbler already told me, but I want to know what we are going to do about it.

Tucker: Busha, you ever heard of ‘Eugenics’?

Busher: Who’s he?

Arlee: No ya fool, Eugenics is the controlling of human reproduction in order to reduce the number of those that society see as inferior...

Jagger: Yeah, to create a ‘master race’ with the best genetic characteristics... Huargh! Sick fucks.

Busher: But what does this have to do with Baldy Kendall?

Tucker: Baldy Kendall, my dear Busher, brought the Soupalon invasion to its knees in the battle with Holtus at the Ratchly Chemical Factory. It was only natural that he be chosen, as the most revolting human, to initiate their Eugenics project here on Earth... He was perfect...

Busher: Perfect for what? You’re talkin’ shite! Sure how is that possible? He’s fuckin’ stupid!

Arlee: No, he’s the one alright... Chosen to replace the doomed ‘Insemination’ project of ‘99. He’s the key to it all. They knew there would be a specimen to put up the strongest fight, and love him or hate him; it was Baldy.

Busher: But it’s been 12 years! Nothing has happened, why now sure? Why kidnap Baldy if he’s workin’ for them? Unless he’s a fuckin’ spy for them bastards and it was all a big show to take Laura and my GINGER! Why do they want my Ginger?

Jagger: Ah Ned, he’s not a spy, he’s not workin’ for them.

Tucker: Baldy’s the key to the end of the world. And he only knew about it recently. But it was a long time coming mate, they’ve planned it all.

Busher: What ya sayin’? Why recently, why long? An’ who put that loser in charge of the planet? I thought that was only for the black lads. What do yis mean? Speak English will ya!

Tucker: He’s the first one Busher! Baldy is the first one in the Eugenics project, don’t you get it? The Alpha... The seed... The numero uno!

Jagger: Come on Ned, cop on...

Busher: Yis are talkin’ riddles! If you’re sayin’ them aliens are controlling human reproduction with the strongest seed, sure how could they start that with Baldy? He couldn’t even get his hole with his girlfriend and I know for a FACT he’s never been at Laura, his ‘so-called’ wife! How can he ‘reproduct’? FACT! AND he’s as thick as two short planks! FACT! Sure looka, if he’s not workin’ for them then the only way that Baldy could even start to spawn some super-intelligent race of aliens for them, was if he was... was... if he was, uuuh PYEAH! I feel sick…

Jagger: That’s it Ned, hihihih, the penny’s dropped. Wheeeze!

Busher: You... are-fuckin’-jokin’ me…

Arlee: It’s true...

Busher: Seriously, all messin’ aside, peah, look me straight in the eyes and tell me that-

Arlee: Yep,

Busher: No!

Tucker: Yep... Baldy is PREGNANT.

Busher: Peah! Youse are some twisted fucks! That makes no sense!

Arlee: That shook ya... hah?

Jagger: He’s the daddy alright Ned. 

Busher: Did somebody spike my cola? Baldy’s pregnant, we’re all going to die.

Tucker: These are the FACTS Busher, only the FACTS. FACT; Baldy’s pregnant… It’s him, the pipefish and the Seahorse now as nature’s male mothas. God knows if he will ever pop one out of him and how he does it is beyond me, but FACT; They’ve kidnapped him now and it’s something to do with the pregnancy. FACT; A pregnant human male will be quite useful for them Soupalons to try engineer another invasion and FACT; Whatever it is, it’s gonna start soon and we gotta stop it.

Jagger: No lyin’, that’s the truth, wanna spark up?

Arlee: Go on then Jagger... I’m on for it.

Busher: Peah! And why are you wearin’ a stripy tank top? It’s annoyin’ me. So last decade!

Arlee: Better than your blue v-neck jumper anyway Busher.

Busher: This is too much… I need to sit down...

12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong in a small village in east Ireland named 'Ratchly', Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race.

United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.