0:00

If I go to the Joshua tree and I wanna

0:02

will mushrooms make me not remember,

0:04

like, really experience it? Oh, you'll experience

0:07

it. And also it's not the Joshua That's

0:10

not like a spot. That's how fuck it. That's that's

0:13

that's how Guido. Yeah. We

0:15

go to the Joshua, like, it's a nightclub. We're gonna

0:17

go to the Joshua Tree tonight. Gonna fuck

0:19

it. I'm on board.

0:22

I'm on board.

0:24

My told

0:35

don't wanna dial dial it at

0:37

my phone. No more

0:39

to dial it at my phone.

0:41

And my bowl.

0:48

And welcome to another exciting addition of

0:50

Ari Shaffir's skeptic tank podcast.

0:53

I'm the host, Ari Shafir. And

0:55

today, we have very special guest on

0:57

the show, One mister Paul

0:59

Verzel. Now Paul

1:02

is a borderline Guido. That's right.

1:06

Slur for Italians and they have taken it

1:08

on as a compliment, which it is

1:10

not. It is a slur. Guido. Paul

1:14

Doubles in Guido. It's

1:17

disgusting. As you know,

1:19

For many years, I have said that Italians

1:22

are the worst of the whites. I've now modified

1:24

that to possibly include Albanians. I

1:26

have to do my research. Paul has

1:28

a new special auto Netflix called

1:31

nocturnal admissions. Check it out right

1:33

now. Nocturnal admissions is a killer. Always

1:35

destroys the stand up. Don't know for many Myself,

1:39

I have big shows coming up. Quite

1:42

big shows. The biggest at the Beacon

1:44

Theatre in New York City, March

1:47

twenty fourth. That's right. March twenty fourth, the

1:49

beacon in New York say tickets are now on

1:51

sale. Finally, get tickets quick.

1:53

They will be going quite

1:55

rapidly. Also, I'm at the Morethea

1:58

in Seattle on February twenty third,

2:01

followed by Vancouver. My second show

2:03

at the Vogue has just been added second

2:05

first show sold out the twenty fifth. This will be February

2:07

twenty fourth. Add a

2:09

late Monday show. We did add a Monday show.

2:11

That already sold out and Salt Lake. Adding a second

2:13

one Denver, Friday,

2:16

and Saturday. The early shows have already sold out.

2:18

Hurry up and get tickets. That's in February,

2:20

and San Jose is coming. Zurich

2:24

Switzerland should be on the schedule soon. The

2:27

UK and Europe are going

2:29

on sale at the end of January. So check back

2:31

at my website towards the end of January,

2:33

get their presale tickets. I've got Glasgow,

2:35

I've got Manchester, I've got London, Los

2:39

Angeles, Virginia,

2:41

two cities in Romania, Athens Greece,

2:43

Israel.

2:44

I don't even know where

2:46

else I'm going. Amsterdam. Stockholm

2:49

Sweden, Berlin

2:52

at Amari Esplast. Everything

2:56

will be on sale at the end of

2:58

January. Guys, here's the thing

3:00

about Guido. They tried to pretend

3:02

to be something they're

3:02

not. And

3:03

me and Paul got to the bottom of

3:05

it. We

3:06

discussed it. I'm in Pittsburgh, by the

3:08

way. If you're watching on youtube dot com, where

3:10

you wanna subscribe, I've got

3:12

a new stand up clip coming. Some

3:14

crab work thing from New York Comedy Club. I'll

3:16

up till that this week. I'll upload it this

3:19

week. Maybe next week. It's

3:21

wondering how my skiing goes out in Utah.

3:26

Yeah. They all act like they're fucking. This

3:29

thing that they're not. I

3:31

always say everyone tries to be Tony

3:33

Saprano Italian and almost nobody

3:35

tries to be Chef Italian.

3:38

It's interesting. Why are you denying a part

3:40

of yourself? Oh, if you I'm gonna

3:43

skip this rock. Guys, here's what I did in

3:45

Ecuador. My entire time in Ecuador.

3:47

You know, I learned a lot. I did a lot. But one

3:49

thing I got great at is skipping stones.

3:54

That was a nice one. Big

3:56

jump. Skippy stones on rivers is one of

3:58

the hardest things and I got really good at it.

4:04

That's got a pick up. Right? Let's

4:07

start the episode. I

4:09

think I have nothing else to

4:10

add. San Jose

4:12

Zurich. I don't know. I said all my dates. Check

4:14

out Paul Versey's dates as well. See

4:17

him in New York. See him in Boston.

4:19

And let's start the episode. Ladies and gentlemen,

4:21

Or is your first capital tank? Episode

4:22

501. Rick

4:25

Glassman will be next

4:25

week. But 501 this week,

4:28

Paul Versey, Guido adjacent. Starts

4:31

as soon as I triple skip

4:33

this rocket rock over this river

4:35

in Pittsburgh. Oh,

4:39

you know it. It's about

4:41

to show. Gentle

4:46

food. Let's butter. Welcome, ma'am.

4:48

Welcome, ma'am.

4:52

Welcome my memories.

4:57

It depends.

5:01

It depends. It depends. The

5:17

new specials out right now. Cold wait. Let's

5:19

see if I remember. Pulver's on netflix

5:22

dot com. Netflix

5:24

is a joke. Netflix. Whatever.

5:26

Wait. It's called Fuck.

5:30

I mean, Paul Versey, you wanna look

5:32

that up? What's it called? Nocturnal admissions.

5:34

Damn it. Nocturnal admissions. Yes. So

5:36

that's a take on nocturnal emissions, which

5:38

is Siemens. Yes.

5:39

Siemens. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So I was because I

5:42

talked about how I'm more of an nocturnal

5:44

person my whole life since I'm little. And then we were trying

5:46

to think of could we use with the word nocturnal?

5:48

Yeah. And then all of a sudden, I was like, well,

5:50

I'm talking about my life. What about admissions

5:52

instead of e

5:52

missions? But yes. Right. Play out words. Now you

5:55

but are your skeptic tank? It's

5:57

the same Yeah. You got to make it

5:59

say something else by one slot small chain.

6:01

Nocturnal admissions. Yeah. It's

6:03

doing really really well on there. It was trending,

6:05

so check it out. Really appreciate it

6:07

and and That's great. Yeah, dude. When

6:09

you find out that it's like going good, you're like, yes.

6:11

Did you when it came out, were people like,

6:14

did you get recognized? I got recognized

6:16

and I and a lot of fake shit. You

6:19

know? You know? You know? You know? Oh,

6:21

you know industry. Oh, yeah. People

6:23

that don't know or people that would walk past

6:26

you all all of a sudden either say

6:28

something funny about it or

6:29

or, you know, hey, correct, you know. But You know,

6:31

there were a couple people hanging

6:32

out. So great because you can see through it and, like

6:34

Yeah. And it's like listen to it. I've been

6:37

here and I've been in the clubs working and I'm gonna

6:39

continue to and just because it

6:41

wasn't your thing for your festival

6:43

at that moment, you know. Yeah. It's like,

6:44

you know, so It's funny I talked to

6:46

Eddie Griffin once about this, and and I did my

6:48

first commercial. And and this girl

6:50

who was swerved at

6:51

Dublin's, I would say, hi, she's in

6:54

scene cute girl though, but, like, never hit on

6:56

her anything. She was like, hello. She wouldn't even say

6:58

hello back to me. And

6:59

I did a commercial, like, oh, I'm saying on a commercial one. I

7:01

was like, you wouldn't even give me a whole low

7:03

back. Yeah. And Eddie's, like, so you wanna

7:05

know, like like, what to do now that it's a they're

7:07

clearly being fake. They're only liking you now because of

7:09

that. Yeah. And was like, yeah. What do you do? He goes,

7:11

you have sex with him. Because

7:14

that's your revenge. You have sex with me.

7:16

Like, damn, good advice, dude. No. It was cool,

7:18

like, to get recognized to be, like, dude, I watched

7:20

it, and then I told I like that. Like, I watched it. I told all

7:22

the people to watch

7:23

it. And, like, that was because the word-of-mouth

7:25

is, like, means it's doing well. Yeah. Yeah.

7:27

Yeah. You

7:28

know, because you don't want somebody to go, you know,

7:30

or, like, it's great it's great when they they I

7:32

don't know what happened with Netflix exactly,

7:34

but and the pandemic and, like, we couldn't

7:36

shoot stuff. And then it just became

7:39

like, oh shit, all these real comics

7:41

have specials. So let's just

7:43

buy a shitload of those. I feel like twenty

7:45

too was like the year specials came back, comedy

7:48

came back. You seem real. It's just like it's

7:50

just like it's like Santino's coming out of one. It's just

7:52

like, let's just get some regular comics. We're

7:54

just good. I think that that's what happened

7:56

where they were like, oh, this Oh, we're failing as a

7:58

business model because we keep going like, well, we've never had a

8:00

fucking ask them

8:00

about it. Let's give it to guys at our fifteen to

8:02

twenty years in and, like, and are structured

8:05

instead of, you know yeah. And

8:06

Will you go to the seller? If you don't know anybody,

8:08

I'm a, you know, what? I'm revisiting when I was four

8:10

years in I didn't know any of the comics. Norton was

8:12

like, Hal, get you downstairs. You

8:14

just

8:14

tell, like, oh, this guy's a pro. This guy's new.

8:17

Yeah. This guy's a pro. And it might be both white

8:19

men, but it's just like, Just

8:21

doesn't -- Yeah. -- experience. Yeah. It's

8:23

worth something. When I when I was coming up in

8:25

New York, when you got the comedy central

8:27

half hour, Yeah. You were doing it fifteen

8:29

years. So that was the So it was it was

8:31

Gerardo, Restis sold Tom Papa. All

8:33

these guys that were doing it, you're like, oh,

8:35

dude, they worked fifteen years now. They have a half

8:38

hour. Now it's like when you see somebody like

8:40

seven years in and they're doing like their second

8:42

I mean, one guy was like, yeah, I'm doing my third

8:44

album and I go, how long have you been doing comedy? He goes

8:46

seven years. was like, third I was like, you

8:48

don't want that. Put that. Yeah. My

8:50

first hour I ever put out was night at the stand. It

8:52

came out when I was fourteen years in. It's like

8:53

just a headlight of room. Like,

8:56

you know what I mean? Like, like, a record.

8:58

Yeah. Yeah. But no, man. I'm

9:00

I I was happy. And the nice thing is -- That's great.

9:02

-- national internal admissions.

9:05

Yeah. The Netflix, what? Wasn't it? No. No. Like, you

9:07

could free Netflix? No.

9:09

They didn't give me no. They didn't give me I was like, can my

9:11

family get a code? When my Netflix special

9:13

came, I was like, I was still stealing j's

9:16

account. That's just

9:16

He didn't

9:16

know. But, like, I couldn't even he was like, oh,

9:19

you're trying to get my thing. I'm like, No.

9:21

You're special you're special

9:22

Jews crushing it. Jews don't. And

9:24

it's it's nice when you see the numbers and and

9:26

things are doing well, but the nice thing was

9:28

Netflix at first was, like, hey, man.

9:30

It's after pandemic. There's a lot

9:32

of stuff, and then they saw it. And they were like,

9:34

oh, we want it. And I was like, okay. Like,

9:36

that made me go -- Okay. You know, because first

9:38

you're like, oh, I guess it's not going like And they

9:40

definitely didn't come to you because you're famous.

9:42

No.

9:42

You know? They weren't like, well, we we you

9:45

know, they Right. If you ever see the new fake,

9:47

like, we love your I'm like, that guy's been doing something

9:49

for a year. You don't love him. Right.

9:51

Like, that's a thing. It's like when when they

9:53

want something and you don't have a TV show,

9:55

you're not on, you know, SNL.

9:57

You're not on a sketch. You're not doing something. And they're just, like,

10:00

they like the hour. You're like, great. Yeah. You're not

10:02

Rob Gronkowski. Literally doing what

10:04

Showtime or something. It's like Rob

10:06

Berndhaus, get friends doing this. Yeah. No. I'll do this.

10:08

And it's like, oh, really? You think Rob

10:10

Berndhaus is a great comic. Yeah. It's

10:12

like and these, you know, these TikTok

10:14

YouTube people are selling out rooms. Yeah.

10:16

But but it's nice when they're like, you're not

10:18

that. You're fine. You're doing fine. Right. But, like,

10:20

you're not like we have to be a business with

10:22

Paul Versey. Right. They're like, oh, we want the special.

10:24

Right. Right. It's special. If it's quality and

10:26

they like it, that's that means more. Yeah. You

10:28

know, that means more. So That's great.

10:30

Yeah. That's great. And when

10:32

does this come out? Hey. Let's

10:33

take a quick break for commercial. I'll come right

10:36

back. Well, what

10:36

it comes out? What do you wanna do to some dates?

10:39

Yeah. Maybe I'll put it out

10:41

on two Tuesdays

10:43

when before February fourth before

10:45

your gotham gigs.

10:46

Okay. Think I I have one

10:48

she's already working on for this week. I could put it out

10:50

this week if you want it out this week. No. Could

10:52

we I'm I'm in Toronto at a

10:54

theater that seats four hundred on the twenty

10:56

eighth. Oh.

10:57

Well, 336. You got the you got a count.

10:59

You got a count. Today's the fifth. Today's the fifth. Yeah.

11:01

It's on the twenty eighth. Yeah. Tastes

11:03

the fifth, but it's

11:03

Friday. So it's time to send to yeah. Sure. It'll

11:06

do up before that.

11:06

Okay. Yeah. Alright. Wish the

11:09

theater on Toronto. I'm doing the Royal Theatre.

11:11

It's like a Nice. Yeah. Royal Theatre Toronto,

11:14

it's I'll be there January twenty

11:16

eighth, and I'll be a gotham on the second and

11:18

third of February. You raised from the those

11:20

are two big gigs. Yep. And The Royal Theatre in

11:22

Toronto on February on February January twenty

11:24

eighth and Gotham on February second third.

11:26

Yep. And if you're in Pittsburgh, I'll be

11:28

there Valentine's Day one night It's the

11:30

improv. So bring a date. Pittsburgh.

11:35

Pittsburgh, improv on

11:37

on Valentine's Day. That's great.

11:39

That's a one, like that right before you. Oh,

11:41

yeah. That's a great room, dude. And the

11:43

DVR guys are great. Oh, really?

11:47

What's your website? Paul verzi

11:49

dot com, all the dates. They'll be there.

11:51

Yeah. My big dates are

11:53

The More Theatre in Seattle on February

11:56

twenty third -- Great one. --

11:58

the Beacon Theatre --

12:00

Oh. -- first time. March

12:03

twenty four. Tickets are now finally

12:05

available. They're waiting and waiting and they're finally up

12:07

everybody. Beacon Theatre at March twenty four. It's gonna

12:09

be a party. And then

12:12

and then I guess I just should be up

12:14

right now. I got

12:16

the UK, the last weekend of

12:18

April, straight into all

12:20

over Europe. I've got I'm doing Athens,

12:22

Greece for the first time. Doing Romania. To get

12:25

to Romania. I'm doing Stockholm.

12:27

What else have I got? Bajana

12:31

and Slavini. I'm doing like and he's like,

12:33

this is less money.

12:34

Like, why don't you just do like Copenhagen

12:36

and, like, the big ones? And

12:37

I'm like, nah. That's cool, man. I'm

12:40

just doing Glasgow, London, Manchester, through the UK.

12:42

And then I'm just like, I'm going to weird spots.

12:44

That's awesome. And Berlin, my

12:46

favorite city in the world. Alright.

12:49

Let's take a quick break for commercial, and we'll come right

12:52

back. People of New York there is a new

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show and it is the greatest new show

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13:06

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13:08

That's right. No relation at all to the roast

13:10

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13:13

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13:15

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13:17

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13:19

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out. Hi,

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everybody. Today's episode of Orange If You're Scatathank

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15:02

for being a big j special taping.

15:04

And now let's get back

15:07

to the episode. Dude,

15:09

I'll pay for it. It's such a fucking

15:11

Guido thing. Oh, dude. It's such

15:13

a guido thing to be like, let me get

15:15

more. I got dice you to sell his

15:17

outfit from that show. And he

15:19

goes, I'll self, like, either

15:21

he did a bid for it or he's, like, a thousand

15:24

dollars. And he goes, who'd buy? He goes, Guido.

15:26

We'll try to prove that

15:28

they're rich. Oh, that's funny. By a

15:30

sweaty fucking sweatshirt that I just

15:32

finished wearing. Yes. See, that's where I don't

15:34

that's I'll buy my friends a nice dinner, but III

15:37

wouldn't do that. You're Guido adjacent.

15:40

Yeah. Yeah. Like long

15:42

dabbling grieve. Yeah. Yeah.

15:43

And I think I think that has Greek

15:45

offsets. You

15:47

understand? Because my mother is a hundred percent

15:49

Greek. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. I'm I'm half. I'm

15:51

literally I I get a text message

15:53

every three months. You're really a presumable. From

15:55

Johannes, my my mother's my

15:57

mother's maiden name is Caravitas. Is Okay.

15:59

And -- Yeah. -- but people, you know,

16:01

Versey, Cecelion, you know, and but

16:04

no. Like, I like white leather in the

16:06

car. Like, there are certain things -- It's like one

16:08

I listened to a song, and they were like, that's definitely like

16:10

a Guido, techie song. I'm like, yeah, like,

16:12

it's not fully my thing, but I get it. Yeah. Like,

16:14

do you know what I mean? Yeah. So it's like I'm close. I know

16:16

a friend, my friend, colette, she such as

16:18

dabbles in basic. Real

16:20

smart, real professional. But but if all

16:22

her friends are like, let's get much

16:24

a lot page. She's like, yeah. Alright. Yeah.

16:26

Yeah. Yeah. You know? That whole Rosé all

16:28

day shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It should

16:30

dabble in it. You do dabble in Guido. I I

16:32

definitely dabble in Guido. I like the

16:34

I like those things. I like not

16:37

big jewelry though. Not huge jewelry. Like

16:39

a nice watch of like one chain. I don't go big

16:41

though. You

16:41

what do you do? First of all? Yeah.

16:44

Is that? Who's just banging?

16:46

Okay. It's The fuck was

16:48

that? Lower in New York City. Yeah. I know.

16:53

Sometimes when I was recording podcasts in other

16:55

places, like, I can hear a Simon go by. Like, yeah.

16:57

Yeah. There's probably a Simon went by. Yeah.

16:59

Look, it's probably a good sign that a Simon

17:01

went by. Yeah. Yeah. Mean, what's he doing?

17:03

Yeah. I don't even know. That's that's

17:07

gotta be construction.

17:10

Right? Oh, yeah. It's up there. These

17:12

guys banging out if I could see it

17:14

banging out that -- Oh, okay. -- construction of that roof

17:16

for so fucking long. Oh, okay.

17:18

Yeah. I them. Be done before the winter, but then

17:20

like that. Let's just keep it going. Yeah. It probably

17:23

Yeah. No. You're

17:26

right. So what okay. So let's talk

17:28

let's talk about what makes Accredo for a second. Okay.

17:30

Change is definitely something. Okay. So

17:32

so here's the here's here's two

17:34

good people on the scale. Okay. I would

17:36

say myself and Bren earns Brett Ernst

17:39

is definitely he

17:41

might be the first greedo I've ever met.

17:44

Brett

17:44

Ernst has a

17:47

Cologne dealer. Now,

17:49

dude, I swear to

17:51

God. Alright. I I

17:54

was on Because me and Brett got friendly probably

17:56

the past three years. Okay. Yeah. We met in Vegas.

17:58

He did a he did a a betting show in Vegas

18:00

from Mandalay Bay. We've we've done

18:02

shows

18:02

together. Brad and I become friends.

18:04

Okay. To the point where, like, more

18:07

than, like, like, in passing

18:09

friends, like, somebody I'll call, somebody a

18:11

call you know what I

18:11

mean? There's a we all have we have a handful,

18:14

and he's, you know

18:14

Me and Brett just so for context are,

18:17

like like, first

18:19

year in comedy

18:20

friends. Like, we we'll go back to the point

18:22

where it's, like, even if I don't talk to him for four years.

18:24

Like, Kevin, how you know? Let's get you right. Every every

18:26

time we talk and your name comes up, it's

18:28

always with affection, it's always like that.

18:29

It's, like, you know, me. That's it's just because because

18:32

there's, like, a brother like, people don't realize

18:34

how small our community is very small. Yeah.

18:36

Like But when it comes to

18:38

the And this might be weirdo also, I'm not sure. But, like, if let's

18:40

say I hate you because you fuck my girlfriend.

18:42

Right. You know, a year ago. Yeah. We've

18:44

never worked it out. And then some

18:46

audience member gets in your face. Like, you're fucking

18:48

say that, I'm just gonna punch that

18:50

guy. And then later, you will, thanks.

18:52

It'll Still go fuck yourself forever. Right.

18:55

But but we're comics first. That's

18:56

that's and and the comic community, the

18:58

real ones -- Yeah. -- will will surround

19:00

you when you need it. So I

19:03

call Brett, and I'm on the phone with him. And

19:05

then I talked about this. I I said on stage once I got

19:07

a friend who got a Columbia. He just goes like this. So

19:09

he goes like this. I was very

19:11

scared. I had to call you back, dude. I see headlights. I'm in a

19:13

parking lot. I swear to God, and I was like, dude, what are you getting? Like, I

19:15

was are you getting drugs? He goes, no, dude,

19:17

Aqua Didio. He goes, you know Aqua didio

19:19

just got the new black you know, and

19:21

I'm going like, dude, you see? He goes dude, two squirts

19:23

of the shit. You get it's a fucking unbelievable. And dude,

19:25

I go, you have a he goes, I meet the guy all the

19:27

time. He's Saudi Arabia. Dude,

19:29

he meets this guy, this Middle

19:31

Eastern guy, and they literally takes out

19:33

boxes and he gets like, like, he's done here. It's

19:35

like an like an underground cologne.

19:38

Like, he's on a level where it's like he he

19:40

he's like, oh, see, I'm a little

19:42

bit, like, black and blue shirt that you wear

19:45

cologne. Yeah. He's like, since,

19:47

like, early high school where I thought that's what it meant

19:49

to be a man. You know, it's funny.

19:51

My son who's do my son is

19:53

Scandinavian. Like, my son is blue

19:56

because my wife. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like my It's got dark hair.

19:58

Yeah. My but look, that's that's my

20:00

son. See? Light hair We filmed

20:02

his

20:02

tail. Light eyes No. He's

20:04

got let's see. He's he's his

20:07

mother. Yeah. And and Sofia, my daughter

20:09

is more me. Right. Right? So,

20:11

actually, I probably shouldn't put that on

20:12

camera. Blur. But yeah. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Could

20:15

you do that? Yeah. Okay. And by the way, I

20:17

just so you know, anything you say that you're like,

20:19

oh, you're not I shouldn't have said

20:21

that. No. I appreciate it. But,

20:23

like, So my son has because my wife is, like, Swedish

20:25

and Finnish and shit. Right? Yeah. And

20:27

but my son has a little bit of thing

20:29

because, like, Brett sent me

20:33

Brett sent me and Johannes a bottle of Cologne

20:35

-- Really? -- in the mail. So, like,

20:37

a package showed up. Right?

20:39

Yeah. A package shows up

20:41

and I'm going, what the fuck is this? And

20:43

it was a it

20:45

was a box from Amazon,

20:47

and it says, like, I don't know where it's from

20:49

or what it is. And it

20:52

was fucking Brett Ernst sending

20:54

me and Johannes this

20:56

special cologne that his dealer gives

20:58

him. And my son Lucas smelter, and he goes, that's kinda

21:00

good. Can I borrow a square name? No. Yeah.

21:02

So I think that it's it's a jace it's

21:04

in there. Yeah. in there,

21:06

but it's not full fledged because it got watered down. Right.

21:09

You know?

21:10

What else makes a guido? It's the overly

21:13

spending. It's the overly

21:15

spending. It's the

21:16

Workouts? Big. Guido workout.

21:19

Every time I talk to Brett, he's they're at the gym

21:21

or yeah. You know what he used to do? And, I mean,

21:23

let's not turn to do a complete fuck,

21:25

Brad Ernst, but but he will

21:27

be our example for

21:29

sure. He would do

21:31

push ups before, like, the beach so he

21:33

could look more swell. He would just I think

21:35

he did something like that. So maybe, like, you know, so

21:37

you're you're at my are kinda throbbing. Yes. I would say He

21:39

would do at the store too. In summer when he's wearing a

21:41

tank something, he could have his car, do twenty push

21:44

ups. Like, hi, guys. Do. Oh,

21:46

dude. So he did he said this funny

21:48

thing. He goes, I was the guy with the vest with

21:50

nothing under the vest. So it would just be

21:52

a vest. But III agree

21:54

with you. Alright. I think it's

21:56

Jim. It's Jim Cologne

21:58

and Jewelry. Our our three big ones. Yeah.

22:00

And then, you know, it's Jim

22:04

Cologne Jewelry. Jim Cologne

22:06

Jewelry and vending, I

22:09

think.

22:09

Spending.

22:09

Yep. Hold on. Marking down to

22:12

blurring the face. Oh, thank you,

22:14

bud. It's

22:14

smart. You

22:15

don't put your kid on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

22:18

No. No, dude. And I've like, I I spoke they didn't give

22:20

permission. And also, are you

22:22

aware of the world? Yeah. No. You're not No.

22:24

No. You can't. You absolutely can. I appreciate that.

22:26

No. It's it's crazy. But,

22:28

yeah, spending, gym,

22:30

like and it's always like

22:33

I I'm not like this, and this is where this

22:35

is the part that I don't have. Agredo

22:37

will fight real quick. They fight.

22:39

They fight. Absolutely. They almost want

22:41

him. What the fuck did he say? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

22:43

No. No. No. He knows what it's like a respecting.

22:45

Yeah. And and sometimes you the opposite the other side

22:47

of the argument, like, no. No. I didn't even it's

22:50

No. I'm going to even that. No. He didn't No. No. I

22:52

don't you, man. Yeah. And it's, like, dude, the guy's trying

22:54

to get ahead of it. Yeah. Like, that whole like,

22:56

what do you fuck? You what am I weak? What am I a fuck?

22:58

You fuck? And it's like, no dude. You just want to talk

23:00

to

23:00

you. You just yeah. That's kind of like that. It's

23:02

it it it there is like a mafia mentality.

23:05

Yeah. That's another thing, though.

23:07

There's like a mafia mentality where

23:10

you know, like Mike, the the Guido that invaded

23:13

me,

23:13

like, inside of a car, I like to be a certain

23:15

way -- Uh-huh. -- things like that,

23:16

but I don't have the, you know, fuck

23:19

this Let's take this kid out. I don't have that. Yeah. Yeah.

23:20

That's the other thing is they all try to

23:23

half pretend like they're in the mafia

23:25

even though they have no tribes

23:26

them here. They don't do anything illegal

23:29

-- Right. -- anyway, but they're all, like,

23:31

no no people. But but you don't don't know

23:33

anybody else? No. No. There's there's

23:35

And and the guys that really do won't

23:37

really stay. Why? They won't stay. I I saw

23:39

it at mister Pizza. I think it closed now. This

23:41

place on

23:41

Fairfax in in LA. I

23:44

saw one of these Guido. Yeah. He's

23:46

he's trying to I don't know what happened with me

23:48

and Bob and Leary in

23:48

there. I don't know what happened behind the counter at this

23:51

pizza place.

23:51

He slaps the top, that metal frame, and he

23:54

goes, you want me to come back there? I'll come

23:56

back there, and it's like it's

23:58

like, what are you talking? A real

24:00

mouthy 501 would be like, hey, let's leave. And then he's like,

24:02

hey, let's wait outside for him. Yeah. Just kick

24:04

his fucking ass when there's no one We're gonna find out

24:06

where his car is shot. Right.

24:08

We're gonna out which his car, we're gonna be quiet about. You don't go, like,

24:10

that whole, like, loud. Yeah.

24:11

Yeah. Yeah. You know who I am? You

24:13

know who I am? You know who I

24:14

am. You know what? It's like Then you know, they don't.

24:16

That's so bad. It's It's

24:18

so embarrassing. Do you know who I am? It's like, no. Yeah. It's it's it's

24:20

so ridiculous. You know who's the best

24:22

of that? At at playing it cool,

24:25

Charles Oakley.

24:26

Not a

24:27

Guido. But Pete, when they were finally separated, he

24:29

goes, hey, I'll meet you outside afterwards.

24:31

Yeah. That there's so many hires who

24:34

are like, what? He goes, yeah, they'll break us up. They'll meet

24:36

you outside. Afterwards, well, in the parking lot, as

24:38

soon as you dress like Are you a knicks fan?

24:40

No. But I'm a fan of that. Oh, okay. Okay.

24:42

Because I know me and you both Yankee face, but dude.

24:44

I got a great I got who? Pelikos.

24:47

Oh, you're a Pelikos fan. Yeah.

24:49

I got a Charles Oakley story for you.

24:51

Okay. I'm at the Garden. Few years back.

24:53

This is right before they fucking dragged him

24:55

out. Right? For

24:56

the female listeners, it's not his

24:58

backyard. The garden is a famous arena

25:00

-- Yes. --

25:00

with a Knicks and

25:01

the Rangers play. So I'm

25:03

at play Joel. I'm at the Garden. And

25:06

he's, like, literally, like, right there

25:08

and he's in this. I actually have the picture send

25:10

you. And he's, like, right there in, like, a

25:12

maroon burger. How did you get seats next to Oakland?

25:15

It was Hey, there's some Somebody

25:17

yeah. Somebody just said it was a got something for you.

25:19

It's like nine rows back. Every once in a while?

25:21

We get access to stuff. We shouldn't get

25:23

access. Oh, dude. The best is, like, when

25:25

like, it's, like yeah. Like, William Mars or, like,

25:27

somebody will go, hey, man, you want this? Or like, there's

25:29

just a hookup through a comedy venue. And they're like,

25:31

hey, do you wanna go to the game? And you're like, yes, I do.

25:34

I took my nephew first by Metzma,

25:36

both of but I took the first one to the second one expected it, and we

25:38

go to Massachusetts with four Rangers. Look. And

25:40

and we passed by that front entrance. He goes, where you're

25:42

going? The inter and you go to that pen entrance.

25:44

Oh, yeah. And he goes, where are we going? I'm like, no, no, no,

25:46

different entrance. And he's like, wait, what?

25:48

He's like, wait, what?

25:50

I I got to perform there twice, and

25:52

I talked about I talked about it before, I actually talked about it

25:54

on Rogen. The second one the first one I

25:57

hosted is the first one I like hosted, and then it

25:59

was DeRosa and Bill. The

26:01

second one I like featured, and it

26:03

was in the round in front of eighteen thousand. It was a

26:05

set of my life. I'm walking in there, and I remember

26:07

looking up at the Patrick Ewing's Patrick

26:09

you and staying and and all that wow. But but so I'm at this

26:11

game and Oakley is like like right and someone's like

26:13

yo dude, Oakley is like right. There was actually to my right and I

26:15

see he's got this burgundy suit, his hair is

26:18

all gray. And I'm going oh shit dude. I'm standing

26:20

outside. I was with Steve Mozilla from

26:21

gotham. Mhmm.

26:22

Well, I'm I'm standing out.

26:23

He's such a great guy. You

26:26

wanna

26:26

talk about people that don't fuck you in the business? That's

26:28

one of them. Zillow. Yep. Him and

26:30

his brother just buy the book every seat. Shout

26:32

out to them. Shout out to Gautam. I'll be there February

26:34

second third. Anyway, no. It's like a

26:36

Thursday. It's go see birds. Charles

26:39

Oakley after the game is on the sidewalk right

26:41

there. Alright. Like like like where I'm

26:43

sitting at your wall he's standing right there, and and

26:45

Steve goes too. Dude, there's Oakley, just standing

26:47

by himself and taxes are going by. What? He

26:49

goes, I got I got assist. Dude, Steve

26:51

goes Charles threw my buddy, Paul, big fan, and

26:53

he just looks like, oh, yeah. I go, yeah, man. I go,

26:55

you got some car washes in white planes, don't you? I

26:57

swear to god this happened. And he go s

26:59

t and he goes, yeah. I go, where exactly are though?

27:01

He goes, come on man. You just said you knew where they were. I go,

27:03

no. I know there are no way planes where. And he's like, and

27:05

I swear to god. He just goes, hey,

27:07

do you, man? Can you give me a ride? You got a car?

27:09

Oh, I swear to me. I swear

27:12

to God. No way. Hey, Steve.

27:14

And I go and and I and I'll do my I

27:17

couldn't. I go, my car was

27:19

all the way to blocks in a parking

27:20

garage. So, like, Well, he's not

27:23

he's not gonna walk with me and see who he just

27:25

met. Like, he was basically saying, dude, if

27:27

your car's on the street right here, can you take me?

27:29

I'm going with hundred percent. Because we

27:31

talked because we talked about the connection to Westchester. He

27:33

knows that I'm a Knicks

27:34

fan. I think I said some things that let him

27:37

know that, like, this guy is not just a feel

27:39

like this guy seems cool. He's you know, and and

27:41

he just goes, dude, can you give me a ride? And I and

27:43

Steven, I just look. I go I go, dude, it's in the

27:45

garage. I can't. And he's like, oh, man, it's all good,

27:47

dude. I swear to god, I got the picture. And

27:49

I'm like, if my car would have been

27:52

sitting across me, I would have had fucking

27:54

oak tree in my car. And then I

27:56

would have been like, dude, if he got in

27:58

the car, then I would have been like, dude, I'm just giving you a ride. I gotta just talk to you

28:00

about when you grabbed Barclay by the throw and throw him down with

28:02

one arm. I mean, that was the but you're right

28:04

about that. Oakley did he have to recharged

28:06

strike? He was he had he

28:08

was, like, a retard fuck to grandmother.

28:11

Yeah. And it's just like this

28:13

stuff. He was big, but he wasn't as big as his

28:15

strength. He no. He and he

28:17

was just a big presence dude. I

28:19

remember seeing him in Mason's walking next to each other

28:21

in practice. Yeah. When when I was real young when

28:23

Riley coached and believe it or not, Even though

28:25

Mason rested his soul, he was cut more,

28:27

Oakley was just a bigger man. Charles

28:29

Oakley is his soul. Mom and dad?

28:31

No. You're thinking of Larry. You're

28:33

thinking of what's it called? You're thinking of grandma,

28:36

la oh my god. Oh,

28:38

Larry Johnson. You're thinking Larry Johnson.

28:40

No. Basin Basin.

28:42

He played for the pals or the hornets. Anthony Mason

28:44

played for the hornets, and he was a play way

28:46

forward. And he was and he was a big dude for the Knicks, but

28:48

he was one of our, like, big guys' dial

28:51

Yeah. He died. He but he was a New York City

28:54

street legend. So he was a West fourth cage legend.

28:56

He was, like, one of his lies there by the side, dude. He

28:58

played by the he played outside in all these things. He was

29:00

a legend. And then I think his

29:02

son played, I think he had a heart condition and he passed

29:04

away. But I remember seeing him and Oakley walking

29:06

next to each other. And even though Mason was

29:08

ripped more, Oakley was bigger, dude.

29:10

Oakley just looked like a guy you're like and like you

29:12

said, he had that quiet, I'll kill

29:14

you. Like you said, like, hey dude, if you wanna

29:16

this can and you're just like, oh, like, this is real. You're too calm.

29:18

You're too calm. Yeah. Yeah. It should be

29:19

hyper for a fight. If you're too calm. If you

29:22

see somebody calm for a fight, that's a good

29:24

point. Like, if you see somebody like not breathe

29:26

and heavy and they're actually talking like

29:28

we're talking now about you're fucked.

29:30

Remember

29:30

croak up? Yeah. Peter from Croatia.

29:33

Yeah. And everybody else with, you know, they're like, in

29:35

this corner and they'd be like this, like, trying to stare the

29:37

guy down like that. And Crooked comment is Corrosion

29:39

Checker Tours. He would just be in the size of all

29:41

your You know,

29:44

just like waiting for the bus. Just like waiting and

29:46

it's like, I'll kill you now. Yeah. Like, those guys that

29:48

are like, I'll kill you. You're like, Yeah. That guy. Yeah.

29:50

You will. That's it.

29:53

Yeah. Yeah. What else

29:55

makes a Guido This is

29:57

fun, actually. I

29:59

mean, we definitely There's

29:59

also there's another type of burrito, the

30:01

Sebastian burrito, which is like

30:04

super well dressed. Yes.

30:07

Never fights. Yes. It's almost like what's that play

30:09

on Broadway with the fucking Jersey

30:11

boys? Jersey boys. That's not kind of Guido.

30:13

Yeah. There's a Guido that's,

30:16

like, prop and all about, like,

30:18

it's all about, like, do the right thing. Like,

30:20

what you know, that whole thing. Like, you know,

30:22

you're not gonna eat chicken and the thing. And

30:24

then, you know, you know, his joke Who

30:26

is Sebastian? Yeah. Did he guys How much one

30:28

is that? He kills me. I'm 501 sorry. I'm in

30:30

a casino. He goes and there's a

30:32

he's like, oh my god. Gave us a load.

30:35

He kills in Vegas. And

30:37

he goes and there's a guy with the

30:39

George Forman Grove. He

30:41

goes, are you gonna cook

30:43

chicken? In your hotel

30:45

room, you know. And it's like but it's bad

30:47

shit. Like, Sebastian will be, like, when you go into the car and

30:49

this So that's not the way you go. I wanna see

30:51

the vacuum lines on the car

30:54

I wanna know you too. You're like, I wanna see, like, you and

30:56

that that that's that's where is Jewish. And and

30:58

that's that's where I get it come in. Like,

31:00

now that I, you know, I just gotta I just

31:03

gotta let like, I had Alexis, but I could just like, got the same model

31:05

new one. And, like, now I'm, like, nobody can I

31:07

need it, you know, nobody's putting their feet

31:09

up. Like, it's still in white leather. Not

31:11

like in a snowy way, but it's like I like to keep That's right.

31:13

You get an expensive car too or

31:15

flashy car. That's where you'd go up. We and

31:18

and and the thing is I'm very big on washes

31:20

and details of the car. Wow.

31:22

Yeah. It's

31:22

so funny because I when I

31:24

had my first new car leased

31:27

it, and I washed it every

31:29

three

31:29

years. Did it have, like,

31:32

wrappers all over it? Like, did

31:34

I give a tell arrived from the last factory

31:36

to the store? Know LA a little bit. Right? Yeah. Yeah. He was like, I ran

31:38

out of the store. I'm like, I get a I'm parked around the street. I

31:40

was like, on the way. So I'm like -- Yeah. -- he was like, okay. Yeah.

31:42

If you're

31:43

going. Gets him, like, open the his door and

31:46

he goes he looks in the back seat,

31:48

covered, you know, and he goes your road

31:50

road

31:50

car. And I'm, like, No.

31:53

And he goes

31:56

through. Yeah. You're grown. You're just

31:58

grown. You're just fucking young. Yeah.

32:01

I had a cool what's a cool ride?

32:03

You know what? I had a cool one? That reminds me, I

32:05

had a cool one. I was in Atlanta -- Mhmm.

32:07

-- and the punchline. And

32:09

Jamie Bandiliana comes up and he goes, this

32:11

just reminded me of, like, cool car rides

32:13

with comics that were, like, just bigger

32:16

or legendary that you didn't know. And next thing

32:18

you know you're either, like, in a diner

32:20

with them or in a car. But George

32:22

Wallace comes in and they go, hey. They go George

32:24

Wallace is

32:24

here. He wants to do fifteen minutes. He knows your

32:26

headline, and do you I was, no. And he his fifteen. He's

32:28

a gentleman. He probably does his fifteen. Fifteen.

32:30

Fifteen. Twenty. Does it does it right? Sit in

32:33

the back at the bar and just

32:35

like just like this. Watched

32:37

my entire

32:37

hour, and I'm going. And then afterwards, I go,

32:40

hey, you wanna come and smoke a cigar with

32:42

us? I was there what you

32:42

said? Was there what you were barking and he goes I

32:45

smooth. I smooth. Yeah. He said so it's like, now you're just Yeah. Watch

32:47

I go I go, dude. I go, if you watch my whole hour. You

32:49

know what I mean? Yeah. He was like, yeah. And we're

32:51

outside discussing how we're gonna get

32:53

to the cigar lounge. And I go, hey, George, you

32:55

wanna come with us and he goes, man, fuck you. I

32:58

ain't smoking a cigar. He goes, I'll drive you

33:00

though. And dude, he fucking we get

33:02

in the car and he's driving us down the

33:04

street and he's just telling us stories and he told us

33:06

a story about Seinfeld and he goes, yeah, he

33:08

goes, you know what? Even though he's my

33:10

best friend, only did a show once,

33:12

which is what French looks like it should be like that.

33:14

Like, you don't, like, just always have you

33:16

know, oh, you got Seinfeld, and I'm your best friend.

33:18

It's you know what I mean? don't do that. Right? It's

33:20

over the favorite. Yeah. It's like it's it.

33:22

So he was just saying he goes, here's a

33:24

great story that George Wallace told me

33:26

and Bartick in the car as he's driving. He

33:28

goes, I'm at the Flamingo

33:30

doing my residency, ten year

33:32

anniversary. I'm on stage and Seinfeld's there and

33:34

comes out. And he goes in Seinfeld gets on

33:36

stage, a place goes nuts, and Seinfeld gets on the

33:38

mic and goes, what are you doing this for? You've

33:40

been doing this ten. It's over. Just what was you

33:42

gotta stop doing? He goes, now is the last show I ever did. What? He Seinfeld

33:44

just goes

33:44

George. It's all you did it for ten years. It's the

33:47

last show that's what he done. And he goes in after that,

33:48

I just didn't do it. I didn't Well, like, he just got

33:50

in a stage. He goes, it's over. What are you doing this

33:53

for? Oh, fucking great is this. But it's almost like a

33:55

friend where it's like, alright. Do ten years. You made some money.

33:57

You were in Vegas. Like, what are you gonna do? Let's

33:59

do

33:59

this. And you can picture yourself. I'm like, what are

34:01

you doing here? Yeah.

34:04

Yeah.

34:04

Oh my

34:05

god. It reminds you

34:07

of Sebastian and Seinfeld. I don't know. That's just

34:09

a story I heard. Sometimes

34:11

like, fuck the comedy store. I'll never go there. And

34:13

so bet they're driving, you know,

34:15

doing something. Maybe they didn't even make cars and

34:17

comedians, whatever, with

34:20

coffee. And especially, like, no. It's a good

34:22

it's a good place. It's a good club. He goes,

34:24

no. No. Fuck that place. He goes, oh, no. Then you

34:26

gotta go. And he's like, really? He goes,

34:28

yeah. Yeah. And said that he was like, okay.

34:30

Which Seinfeld said you gotta go? No. Sebastian said that to Seinfeld.

34:32

Oh. Seinfeld had it. I got

34:34

I heard, like, an old thing with Mitsi

34:37

was, like, nah, I'm not I don't see it. Oh, so he

34:39

was seinfeld's holding a little bit of a

34:40

grudge. Like, fuck that place. But for, like, thirty years ago, when it was

34:42

so great. Is this a hot place now? We

34:45

Yeah. Just come. It's crazy. Yeah. Like, it's all like, what you David Spades there.

34:47

Ever is there? What are you doing? We

34:49

have this weird thing comics where I remember when

34:51

Hold the grudge

34:53

on a building. Do we. Like, everybody who wronged you was

34:55

gone and dead. Yeah. But you're still like, no. These walls Fuck that

34:57

guy the way the gen. It's almost like, if you kinda

35:00

came across them now, maybe they would realize that

35:02

they were You know what? You

35:03

you know what something Robbie did? We're really gonna

35:06

use Montréal. Mhmm. He would call people and

35:08

say, sorry, I missed the boat on

35:10

you. Yeah. He'd

35:11

be like, hey, clearly, when you I'll just remove his faces,

35:13

we didn't see it.

35:14

Clearly, we Virzi My bad.

35:16

And then if most the industry does not

35:19

do that and you just hold this grudge, I

35:21

think you just if you just said my bad, I I get it

35:23

now. You'd be like, alright. Dude, it's so funny you said that Robbie Prah,

35:25

I will always have a place for

35:27

that dude because and has nothing to

35:29

do it has nothing to do with the Netflix thing. But what

35:31

he did is when I auditioned,

35:34

I audition Kurt Metzger was host an

35:36

I audition, and it was the

35:38

third year and they said at the audition, like, because ten of us went on

35:40

and I went last and they go first he had the one of the

35:42

toughest spots and you guys are complaining at hand.

35:44

He fucking killed and

35:46

did this. And then I go to my managers and they go, dude, they were

35:48

like, Robbie says it's

35:50

embarrassing that they can't put you in because you deserve it

35:52

and you did it and he goes, but you'll be it. You'll be

35:54

a JFL. Like

35:56

Toronto and Chicago and all that stuff, you'll be there down the road. And

35:58

it was like the greatest know you could ever hear.

36:00

And then all of a sudden,

36:03

two weeks later, Robbie goes, no. It's not right. He

36:05

goes, it's not right. No. No. No. No. No.

36:07

You're messing go ahead. Go ahead.

36:09

Well, he goes, he from what I heard, he goes, he he belongs here.

36:11

We're not You know what? If we can't get on my new faces,

36:13

he belongs at the festival. What did

36:16

you hear? I was next to him

36:18

when you open for burr in

36:20

Austin. Oh, oh, yeah.

36:22

Oh, okay. I'm forgetting that part. Yeah. Yeah.

36:24

Yes. And he saw you crushing in a theater, and

36:26

he was like, What who's like, I don't remember if he said who is

36:28

this. Right. But I could see him

36:29

turn. I'm like, oh, this

36:31

guy's legitimate headline. Oh,

36:33

okay. Yeah. Yeah. I remember you telling me that, which I appreciate. Yeah.

36:36

But you know what? Like, it's so much better when

36:38

somebody does that where they're

36:39

like, hey, dude, I either drop the

36:41

ball or, like, I didn't know until you showed because in No

36:43

one ever apologized in life. No. Ain't my bad on

36:46

that. I I was way wrong.

36:48

Dude, I was You know? No one does

36:50

it. No. And it goes so

36:52

far just an an

36:54

unasked for, hey,

36:56

I was wrong. I'm sorry. And they're like, I

36:58

don't that was what I do and I'm sorry. It's like it goes so far. You

37:00

did something one time for me that you didn't even

37:02

know you did and I was like, man, you know

37:04

something. Well, I always knew you were I

37:07

I'm one thing that I have is and and I've always known this, and

37:09

you could ask anybody. Actually, Burf said

37:12

he goes, the two best I've ever seen REIT people

37:14

is Versey and and and Kelly.

37:16

Bobby Kelly, I could read somebody. And I know

37:18

somebody's I'm sort of guy, like, my my mom, I could know

37:20

somebody's a good person. And I knew you were I knew you were

37:22

a good dude, but you that guy, you were just, like,

37:24

you were just you did something where we were at the

37:26

stand. And I was

37:28

talking about the WNBA and you walked into, you

37:30

listened to the bit, and the way you just kinda

37:32

nodded your head, like, it you just did it

37:34

in a way that was like, oh, shit. I get that's good. I

37:36

got that. Like, it was it was a it was a cool

37:38

thing. It's a camaraderie thing. Yeah.

37:40

But, you know, going back

37:42

to Montreal, Coloquine said

37:44

something really dope. He did like this. He didn't

37:46

do what's the thing that Key note?

37:48

Yeah. But yeah. Not the other guy. Not

37:50

Not Andy Kendall. Not Andy Kendall. The keynote

37:52

address. One of the best ones ever. And and and his this is what Kenner to the state of the industry. Oh,

37:54

yeah. Kenner does the state of the industry. A keynote

37:57

was was Colin. You were at

37:59

that one. Right? It was one of the

38:01

greatest things of all time. And of the best things that Colin said, he goes, and all

38:04

you dummies in the industry, he said this. And

38:06

I was

38:08

like, it was so perfect. He goes, all you dummies in the industry.

38:10

He goes, you can't look at a guy once.

38:12

Yeah. Okay. Great. And then all of a

38:14

sudden, you take that set, and that's burned

38:16

in your mouth. Pressure set when the four years in. Yeah. When they're feeling,

38:19

oh, shit. They're all here at this moment. And you're just

38:21

like, I saw him twenty years ago. He

38:23

sucks. You you you you goes,

38:25

you can't look at somebody once and do that, and he

38:27

goes, you have to see somebody. And it was

38:29

like, I remember industry was like, I remember

38:31

when I first started. At the clubs, you're

38:33

like, oh, I've seen a guy but he that's a funny guy.

38:35

Yeah. Yeah. No. After a while, you know who the funny people are.

38:37

It's it's yes. And it takes time, and and

38:39

and I remember I was at I would do stand up

38:41

New York when it first start when

38:43

I, you know, first came to New York, and the booker goes

38:46

and and this is when I knew the booker said three things.

38:48

Yeah. He goes, Paul's funny. Talking about

38:50

sports a lot. Olympics were going on. Right?

38:52

Talking about sports a lot. Then

38:54

fast forward. Yeah. Paul's funny about, like, he's

38:56

talking about, like, having a kid. I just had a daughter. I

38:58

just had a daughter. Yeah. And then it was, like,

39:00

And then all of a sudden, it's like, oh, no. This

39:02

person's evolving. Right. Like, I'm evolving, and it's like, industry is

39:05

so either whether they wanna put their

39:07

friends on a short and

39:10

to analyze. It's like, what are we just telling you outside

39:12

about how people weigh in publicly and they feel like they

39:14

have to weigh in. Yeah. It's like, hey,

39:16

dude.

39:16

If you don't have an opinion, that's okay.

39:18

Right. You don't have to, like, well, I think

39:19

he does this too. It's, like, you're not on camera. You

39:21

can just be, like, uh-huh. I'm seven

39:24

out ten. Yes.

39:26

You don't have to weigh in and say specifically what? You guys liked

39:28

it or didn't get the crowd today? Yeah.

39:30

Or, like, you don't have to go, like, you don't have to

39:32

put somebody in a box and say, like, that's

39:34

what they do.

39:35

There's the best parts of that Colin Quinn keynote address, the ones I really stick

39:37

with me. He goes, industry. For and for

39:40

everybody out there, I'm sorry, there's inside baseball,

39:42

but, like, whatever.

39:44

It's fun. Industry means like Netflix, Comedy Central,

39:47

Agents Man -- Bookers. --

39:48

owners of comedy, not comedy, Yep.

39:51

And writers. It

39:54

was industry. If

39:57

you were right high the

39:59

time. Maybe we listen to you. Wow. I

40:01

remember that. But you're

40:03

right. Around never.

40:06

So maybe just get the fuck out of our way and

40:09

stop giving us notes that

40:11

are almost never correct.

40:14

So true. Does it

40:15

just half I would still be a terrible record. And then he

40:18

goes and he goes and comics.

40:20

There's like because nobody goes

40:21

at the com. He goes, quit

40:24

being cheap. If you're as an opener, fucking

40:26

get them lunch. You're like, don't

40:29

be cheap. Your motherfuckers. Yeah. Yeah. That's

40:31

part of it. You gotta

40:33

take care. Your opener. Yeah. You know? You gotta take it. But,

40:35

dude, what about this? I got I got it. Tell me what

40:37

you think about this. Okay. K? There's a hypothetical, but tell

40:39

me what you think. Because I you

40:41

got an opener. Yeah. You take the same person

40:44

on the road a lot. Okay. Okay? There may be and

40:46

there's probably usually a recycle, like, three or four

40:48

of them. Right? Okay. People you take. And you're just

40:50

always taking them to lunch. You're always taking them to

40:52

dinner. You're always buy buy buy. At

40:54

what point do you go, hey, dude, like

40:56

Get me something. Like, like, yeah, like, dude, I

40:58

had a situation, like, it's like a

41:00

water? That's where

41:01

it should be. So I went with and you probably have

41:03

to, went with a very wealthy person or open

41:06

for them. You know?

41:08

Yeah. So it's like, hey, I I

41:10

actually can't afford this snake for us.

41:12

But, you know what I mean? You know, it's

41:14

like so I'm letting you pay for

41:16

it. But It's like,

41:16

hey, I'm downstairs in the lobby. Like, before you

41:18

get down, do you want anything from Starbucks? Let me

41:20

get this four dollar thing for you

41:23

because you bought me a hundred dollars thinking. Right. So and

41:25

then it's like, oh, thanks, man. When should we give him the coffee?

41:27

He's not like, let me give you the four dollars. It's like

41:29

it's known, like, now we're kinda even.

41:31

Right. Because it just the

41:33

old father. Right. It's like the gesture because you're

41:36

like, oh, did you just spent six hundred dollars at a

41:38

steakhouse? Yeah. I can bring you a nice coffee, and

41:40

so it's my pleasure to do that. When it it's

41:42

the taken advantage of things. I got something for

41:44

Rogen before I started opening for him, but he would always

41:46

treat us to the standard late night

41:48

after the store. It was like this upscale

41:50

diner. Probably thirty dollar meals.

41:52

Okay. You know, but couldn't afford it, you

41:54

know. And he was like, oh, I got seven of you. Let's all go

41:56

out and me and Elanor and whoever else Yeah. You're all

41:58

going to stay when

41:58

I come. It was

41:59

never like, I've already got my

42:01

crew. And then one time went to Carney's which is a

42:03

fucking hotdog place. Yeah. And I was like and he

42:05

paid for me three times. I was new to LA. I was like, when

42:07

I get you, he goes, no. I don't even have to, like, dude,

42:10

dude. You what -- Yeah. -- you paid for me the last three

42:12

times. Yeah. And he was like, okay. And then we're

42:14

sitting down, he goes, just so you know, when I paid for you,

42:16

it's not like a power

42:17

move. It's just like, this

42:19

meal you just bought for fifteen dollars, it's like

42:21

that's about a quarter for

42:23

me. So, like --

42:24

Right. -- you know, I have this all this

42:26

money from

42:27

Yeah. Who's right? So it's like it's it's just like it

42:29

means less to me the money, so I don't

42:31

mind. No. It's it's like

42:34

Right. Give me the water. Give fucking world. And I'm,

42:36

like, the least from cheap, but I remember, I'm talking about, like,

42:38

you bought this person nineteen meals in a row and

42:40

there's no sign of -- Your

42:42

thanks. --

42:44

like, Like, I mean, yeah, I appreciate. Okay. Cool. And then it's just like, alright,

42:46

dude. Let's go to Chick fil A. Right?

42:48

We just go to Chick fil A.

42:51

Be like, Hey, dude. I really appreciate you bringing out me on the

42:53

road here. Just check flays on me. It's not even about the check

42:55

flays on me. I got the check I didn't even care about it,

42:57

but then it's almost like, oh, wait. Am I being taken advantage

42:59

of? Right as these

43:00

did this once. Ordered all of Vegas. He was there.

43:02

I think the Palms were there for UFC -- Yeah. --

43:04

and

43:05

and, like, one whatever show. And that

43:07

we're in a

43:08

a going to some club -- Yeah. -- wearing a lima. They got

43:09

it to limbo. And and

43:10

Steve was like, let me get it. And Rogen was like,

43:12

nah. Oh, dude, it's fine. And he goes, Joe,

43:14

I'm in the fourth year of a

43:16

sitcom. I

43:18

would like to pay for once. There you go. Right? Yeah.

43:20

That's odd. Yeah. That's alright. We

43:24

yeah. We were talking about that at

43:26

the airport. I'm I'm I am very

43:28

I will say this, and it's not a power moving.

43:30

It's not a Grito But I'm I

43:32

like to pay for meals. It's

43:33

Grito. I love to pay for meals. Like, if me and

43:36

you were gonna go get stake out. Move. It's

43:38

a great, I think. If me if me and you were

43:40

gonna get a steak dinner after this podcast,

43:42

I would one hundred percent be like, dude, let's

43:44

get a bottle of wine at steak, and I'd love to

43:46

pay for but it's just how I like, when we go to Chicago, I have a thing. When I

43:48

go to Chicago with my boys, I buy a steak dinner

43:50

for them. It's just a thing. And listen, but

43:52

not not like a break. It's just a but

43:54

people that

43:56

are like people that are, like, really like, I remember saying to one

43:58

comic. I go, yeah, I paid for a five hundred dollar dinner for us.

44:00

And he was just, like, why would you why

44:02

would you do, like, how do

44:04

you even how can I'm going? Like, I don't know. Because I made, like, a

44:06

like, some money this weekend and my friends

44:08

are, you know, like It's an Italian thing

44:10

is to is to it's so anti

44:13

what I was where it's like if you came into a thousand

44:15

dollars, there should be nine hundred and ninety nine more dollars in your bank

44:17

account tomorrow. Right. And Italians, like, I

44:20

came into a

44:22

thousand bucks. Gonna put a hundred away, and we're living large tonight. Yeah.

44:24

Like with me, it's like when I get the

44:26

thousand, I would probably, like, in my mind, like,

44:28

three or four is gone. Three it's

44:30

already

44:30

gone. Like, three or four like Like, I can't

44:32

do it less than half, so I'll keep six.

44:34

But, like, you know, yeah. Yeah.

44:36

No. It's stupid. It's actually

44:38

stupid to do that. But yeah. It's stupid. It's stupid. Yeah. No. It's

44:40

like my wife my wife, which they thank

44:43

you Ari. It's Yeah. But but here's

44:45

the thing I'll spend on

44:48

definitely spend on first class and and Do you really Will you go first class

44:50

or no? No. Will you go will you go extra

44:52

extra comfort

44:53

plus? You go comfort

44:55

plus me too. Go comfort plus ninety percent of the time. But also, I

44:57

just started doing comfort plus because I can handle it. I because

45:00

I've lived in the digi as possible

45:03

Well, shitty chicken buses in Guatemala.

45:05

Like, I'm used to non luxury, so

45:07

it doesn't bother me

45:08

to, like, be whatever. But when Reagan flies

45:10

me out first It's like, oh, take it. Yeah. It is

45:12

nicer. Let me ask you a question. I got a

45:15

question for you. Yeah. Because you you do something that's

45:17

very fucking weird to me. And

45:19

not weird, but You're a type

45:21

of guy. He's standing. You'll go to Actually, everybody does that. You'll go to

45:23

Guatemala. Yeah. You'll go to a fucking

45:26

third world.

45:28

Oh, like,

45:30

I've never seen a guy wanna be alone. You know,

45:32

for five I think steps to be alone. Like,

45:34

that's a thing. You gotta go to Westchester. You gotta be

45:36

alone. You're like, you're yeah.

45:38

Like, you'll go not only will you go to, like, a

45:40

third world island or whatever, you'll go alone for weeks. Yeah. Is that

45:43

a is that, like, a mental

45:46

set thing for you.

45:47

For Excel, I was talking about it with somebody and it was like, why do you wanna be alone so

45:49

much? Fuckin' can't and my mom's like,

45:51

I can't get in

45:52

touch with you. Like, I was like, no.

45:55

But then afterwards,

45:56

they were

45:57

like, oh, I get it. You're you're around

45:59

people so much. And you're

46:00

constantly talking

46:01

to agents and managers and your friends

46:03

and and audience members. And it's not just

46:05

like, oh, I

46:05

need a a nice night for Netflix and chill. It's like,

46:07

it's so much connection all

46:09

the time. Yeah. And I

46:11

gotta go way the other way. I think that's why I

46:13

live in the country. And when I pull up into my

46:15

house and now you see the stars and I see the stars

46:17

and I'm eight hundred feet elevated and I got a

46:20

fire pit. It's like that's Seeing the woods

46:22

gives me that because in this job, you gotta

46:24

So you get it every night. I I

46:26

get it almost enough. I get

46:27

it right. Right. But you you just like,

46:30

when you go to those places? Are you like,

46:32

what are

46:33

you doing? I went to the city in

46:35

the north. I was just staying in

46:37

a hustle and Antigua, such as, like, the

46:40

the a touristy town -- Yeah. --

46:42

especially central of Antigua.

46:44

And then there's all these

46:46

shuttles different areas like

46:48

Tikal or wherever you can see some Mayan ruins

46:50

in, like, in the beach and, like, in,

46:52

like, the the market town, whatever. Yeah. And then I was

46:53

trying to find a shuttle to this,

46:55

like, small town though I heard about this like

46:57

sauna, the special sauna, the only hub in this

46:59

one small town. Wow. And I told the

47:01

guys, like, I'm going to the city. I

47:03

wanna

47:03

go to I wanna

47:05

go to

47:05

this place. He's already shut it. He goes no.

47:08

But, like and this guy ran the hospital. He's

47:10

guaramole. He's like, you go in there. You go in

47:12

the totals.

47:14

Like, that's Nobody goes there. So even when I'm in

47:16

Guatemala, I'm like, I wanna go deeper

47:18

away. Yeah. I'm there, and I'm

47:20

literally the

47:22

only wiper. Not just like one of a

47:24

few. I mean the only

47:26

white guy for three days.

47:28

There's no one over five

47:30

foot four it's the shortest country I've ever been to. And it's just they're

47:32

all kinda looking me, like, where are you from? And

47:34

I'm like, that's Yes. And I'm like, France.

47:37

I'm like, no. Now, like, in Netherlands,

47:39

I'm like, no. What? They don't even know accents. It was

47:42

so fucking cool. And then I was like, I

47:44

got my sauna that thing and I

47:46

was like, get out of him, like, actually,

47:48

let

47:48

me just stay. Was the song a nice?

47:50

Yeah. Dinji, but nice. Which is weird.

47:52

It's like it's it's it's

47:54

called a tool and it's

47:56

a bunch of coals

47:58

and, like, fire above

47:59

some volcanic lava rocks -- Mhmm. --

48:01

and then you heat up

48:03

some water on the water on it. And the water hot water

48:05

cold water mix those, fully shower and bathe

48:08

in there, and then you can sprinkle some water for

48:10

steam. A lot of

48:12

smoke

48:12

inhalation. We

48:12

assist you, but they all have them in the background. Safe? No. Like, I mean,

48:15

have you I mean, you're traveling alone in these

48:17

countries -- Yeah. -- without communications, can't

48:19

be the

48:20

safest. Let me tell

48:21

you, quote, Henry Rollins.

48:24

He's a great traveler. He goes,

48:26

he travels all the

48:27

time. He's pictures,

48:28

writes books

48:28

about it because I've almost been killed

48:31

five times.

48:32

And every one of those times was in

48:34

the United States of America.

48:38

Wow. You you know, there's safety

48:40

issues here or there. But I guess there's

48:42

safety issues everywhere. There's no drunk drivers

48:44

here, you know. Right. There's no there's

48:46

no guy that's beat

48:48

to death two blocks from here. Some Asian guy walking home by a fucking crazy

48:50

homeless dude. Yeah. So it's like,

48:52

what are we talking about? Yeah. That's

48:54

true. So that

48:56

that takes a certain person to be able to do that. And I also think there's mental

48:58

toughness with that, because I could get on you know, I I

49:00

like the test.

49:00

I like that it makes me mentally tougher

49:02

to be like, shit. My

49:06

shoes broke. I can't find size eleven and a half shoes here. I gotta fix

49:08

this. Dude, it's so funny you said that.

49:10

That's why, like, you you probably get along with guys

49:12

like Robin because

49:14

when I I was on Rogen and and and towards the end of the podcast, we're talking about

49:16

drugs and psychedelics. And I just

49:18

go like, dude, I'm not I don't wanna

49:20

take something that makes me question my

49:21

existence, and he just goes I like that. He

49:24

goes, I like to get into an uncomfortable Oh

49:26

my god. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

49:28

Yeah. Yeah. To

49:30

him. I wanna see if I could deal.

49:32

I'm like, and I'm having a hard time dealing with a non uncomfortable place. I like,

49:34

I'm in a big podcast. I'm in a way uncomfortable.

49:36

Yeah. It's like like you

49:39

have to do it, like, that's a thing. It's like, what is I guess it is a

49:42

mental toughness thing. Right? It's so great. It

49:44

just figured out also my friends told me

49:46

this one's there's there's there's two things in the world, stuff that matters when

49:48

you're on mushrooms and stuff that does not matter

49:50

when you're on mushrooms. And if you can take that into you're

49:52

like, what I lost that hundred dollar

49:54

bill that fall in my pocket. If,

49:56

like, if you were on boomers, you wouldn't

49:58

you wouldn't care. So what doesn't matter

50:00

on mushrooms? Losing a hundred dollars.

50:02

Money money is not mom

50:04

dying. Matters on both on mushrooms and off.

50:06

Okay. You know what I mean? So that's

50:07

something that actually still doesn't matter. If you if you went out

50:09

and all your money matters on mushrooms. Your

50:11

car got stolen. but

50:15

also, like You'd be able to fuck. Insurance. I am not gonna deal with

50:17

this right now. Oh, okay.

50:20

You know? what

50:22

matters? Like, I don't

50:24

know real like like, they

50:26

nine eleven. If you know how

50:29

much is nine eleven and feel like this is

50:31

gonna fail. Oh, so so okay. Okay. So some traumatic some

50:33

wild shit. It really I was on with Maddigger, a bunch

50:35

of comms. We rented a place in

50:38

Joshua Tree. And then we're all fucking zoomed out, you know, it's for Shoom

50:40

fest and we're all fucking whatever. Somebody

50:42

somebody came in. I don't know who was on their

50:44

fucking phone. Robin

50:47

Williams died. We're like, what?

50:49

Oh my god. Swing and I

50:51

can't

50:51

commit suicide. We're like,

50:54

hey, dude.

50:54

Remind me of this in two days. I don't wanna deal with it right now.

50:56

And you don't even know if it's real or not?

50:58

Just like no. No. No. Not time

51:01

for me. You just put it on the shelf. Yeah. Wow. Because

51:04

that's Yeah. It's a fucking

51:05

sadder, but also, like I don't

51:08

know him. Yeah. Did you hear

51:10

the type, dude? You would go into,

51:12

like, you would go to, like, Alaska for a

51:14

month alone and just fucking chill

51:15

with you. Yeah. Be

51:17

great. What do you mean? Does it sound

51:19

awesome to you? I that sounds awesome to

51:21

me for a week. But,

51:23

like, a month alone, dude, I'd be like to tell you

51:25

something. There's a freedom, and you can get

51:27

it with with with

51:30

your wife. After about

51:32

twelve days -- Yeah.

51:34

-- with no contact with anybody at home. And I'm

51:36

saying you can get as your wife if you both have burner phones

51:38

with just other's numbers, the new numbers. Yeah. Where

51:41

now you're not, like, anchored to your past

51:43

to where you came from, like, on a week

51:45

vacation. You're like, well, where we came from New York

51:47

or back in New York. Now it's

51:49

like you're this floating feeling of, like, unanchored

51:51

and from twelve days onwards however

51:53

long. Yeah. It's

51:56

such a It's just

51:58

like everything's lifted from your heart.

52:00

There's no responsibility. You're like, we're

52:02

gonna go there. And you're like, actually, somebody told me about

52:04

that place. Like, fuck that

52:05

place. Let's go to that place. Right. You just, like, you can do whatever

52:07

you want. You're you're relaxed. You're not,

52:09

like, still tense from

52:10

this or New York schedule.

52:13

Right. And if you can do it and you can

52:15

do it, what's your podcast called? The Versy Effect.

52:17

The Versy Effect. Yep. If you record

52:20

a a an episode a day

52:22

for a week, then you bought

52:24

yourself a month --

52:25

Yeah. -- to be free

52:27

and just go out and do your own

52:29

thing. Money's still

52:31

coming in? Yep. Yeah. That's your kid and fucking bitch

52:33

be a boot camp or something. I

52:36

don't know. Put him

52:36

in an insane asylum for a week. Them

52:39

and then just get Well, they they would be psyched. They'd be like, alright. Like, because

52:41

they're old enough now. But, yeah, that's, like, I always admired

52:44

that one. They were like, yeah. Or I remember we we're the

52:46

old carry for the first ten days, and

52:48

then it's Where did you

52:50

go when we're at the old stand?

52:52

Yeah. And you came you were four four months

52:54

out. Where were you? Southeast Asia. No. I

52:56

don't have the map there. You were in south you were in

52:58

Southeast Asia. Wow. Myanmar

53:00

to Myanmar to Thailand

53:03

to

53:03

Cambodia. Nope.

53:06

Myanmar

53:06

Thailand Indonesia, Cambodia,

53:09

Vietnam, East Timur, back

53:11

to Indonesia. Yeah. I mean, that takes

53:13

a different fucking dude to do

53:16

that dude. You

53:16

start floating. It was so scary at first. Literally, the first day I

53:18

was in Myanmar and Yangon. I got

53:20

a hotel the first night just says, right myself,

53:22

I couldn't afford hotels for months.

53:24

I'm, like, gotta find hostels, but I can use their at least, and data on their

53:27

computer, found a hostel. And then I'm

53:29

walking around myself incredibly lonely,

53:32

fucking the

53:34

dopamine withdrawal from not having, like, you know, likes coming in.

53:36

You know? Oh, yeah. And then on my

53:38

side, I feel like an addict losing his

53:40

fucking And I mean,

53:42

I'm going home. And this is a mistake. I'll just

53:44

go home. But Duncan was staying in my apartment. I was like,

53:46

I'll be gone. You can stay here while you're looking

53:49

for a place. Yeah.

53:50

If not for the embarrassment of having to call Duck and be, like, you

53:52

gotta be very busy, then

53:54

I would

53:54

have just come right home. Wow.

53:57

But then a couple days past met somebody, like, oh, I'll take a circle train

54:00

with you around the city. He's like, okay. And then

54:02

I'm just then I'm gone.

54:04

Yeah. So So

54:07

but you wanted to feel that uncomfortableness and then go through

54:09

it, which is crazy. Dude, I'm getting anxiety taken care

54:11

of. That's the

54:11

best. That's

54:14

wild, man. Yeah. Is it what is

54:16

that? Like, I remember I I was in Cancun.

54:18

Cancun. I was in Cancun in, like, two

54:20

thousand and one, and we're in a hotel, and I

54:22

just remember being, like, dude,

54:24

something, like, we're in Mexico and, like, you know, it's

54:26

when, you know, like, they're, like, don't leave the resort. And

54:28

you're going, like, what the fuck? And part of you was just,

54:30

like, let me get out of here. And then once you

54:32

settle

54:32

in, no. We'll just work. Yeah. You gotta say it takes, like, that first twenty four hours. Yeah.

54:34

So I get nervous everywhere I go. I'm like, I've heard the

54:36

dangers. 501 then you -- Yeah. -- slowly realize, like,

54:39

oh, it's not. I went to China. Do you ever do this

54:41

China gigs? No. When did it? I did it. Champagne did

54:44

it. Oh, I heard I remember those were --

54:46

Yeah. -- Igor and and Pete Lee

54:48

did a

54:50

version of but some. But and maybe Chad Daniels too, but they did a

54:52

shorter one. I think they

54:54

made a documentary way

54:56

back. But as soon

54:58

as they told me in in Shanghai, they

55:00

were in a hotel, and they go, just so

55:02

you know, maybe I was in Suzhou, like

55:04

a city outside Shanghai. They go,

55:06

just so you know, this is the safest place in the Like, drunk women pass

55:09

out with their wallets out. Nobody touches

55:11

them. Nobody touches the wallets. What?

55:13

So be honest if doctor, the punishments for violent

55:15

crime are so harsh mixed

55:18

with. They have a level of

55:20

embarrassment for Yeah. There's their families. Yeah. Culture. Yeah. Yeah. I like,

55:22

we've my dad's lost face if I'm committed. So

55:24

it's like, no one's gonna and once I once

55:26

I internalize that, I was like, oh, sweet.

55:29

I'm good. You might You felt

55:31

that you saw that? Once they

55:32

told me,

55:32

I realized that I was wrong to fear them. It was

55:35

just xenophobia. It was just fear of

55:37

the others. Wow. And

55:37

then it's like,

55:38

oh, Myanmar is the same way. It's a

55:40

very Buddhist country, super safe. Yeah. Someone's even

55:42

trying to scam you and you're like, oh, what

55:44

do you

55:45

want? Know, like, just to practice my English and you're like,

55:47

oh, alright. That's that's okay. So you

55:49

would get well, you you would get fucked up

55:51

in these places? Stumble and

55:53

but then also use your best judgment like -- Yeah. -- if I'm in Times Square, you don't get fucked

55:55

up and stumble home. No. No. But if I'm in the

55:57

East Village, I do.

55:59

It's, like, you you you you

56:02

you your instincts eyes on you are

56:04

all the eyes on you? If you if there's three

56:06

dudes walking, you're safe even if

56:09

we're fucked up. No one's trying to rob three dudes. Right.

56:11

You know? Right.

56:12

Right. No. No. It's, like, unless you're

56:14

putting guns into it, but

56:16

also, everyone in Asia is

56:19

fucking tiny. It's

56:19

like, what are you gonna do? Yeah.

56:22

Yeah. Well, you know what, though, too. Like, a lot of

56:24

people don't realize with our job that because

56:26

we're everybody's, like, on a hamster

56:28

wheel, taking a little time off. They're,

56:30

like, I I, like, I remember I was, like, I'm for

56:32

December, I don't work on I was talking to Joe list about

56:34

this today. I don't work on New Year's Eve ever.

56:36

And for the holidays, I like to be home. And I was like, the last thing I wanna do is count

56:39

down the ball dropping on

56:40

stage. Strangers. For strangers. And then,

56:42

almost sudden, they they leave, and

56:44

I'm there, and I got

56:46

money and I'm going, like, it's like, no. I'm gonna, like, I'm I've that too much, but

56:49

you need that time to just not I

56:51

read this book. I think it's I think

56:53

it's called Fuck.

56:56

It's not black mirror. That's not chalk mirror. It's

56:58

it's like almost a sequel to chalk mirror. Fuck.

57:00

I forgot what it's called. How

57:03

to do nothing? And and the doing

57:05

nothing is part of the creative process, taking a

57:08

walk alone and not returning texts

57:10

and emails, actually leaving your show home and just

57:12

letting your

57:14

being bored and letting your mind kinda go off

57:16

is part of the creative process. So we're like, I'm

57:18

not doing anything. We have this idea that productivity

57:20

is constantly doing stuff. A

57:23

productivity is actually just sitting

57:25

there thinking if you if you make

57:27

shoes, like, we think of a new design for shoes,

57:29

like doing nothing and design comes to you.

57:31

Yeah. Definitely with jokes or anything and, like, anything creative.

57:34

It's like sitting there, being

57:36

bored until it comes to you. I I yeah.

57:38

What's his name? Tim Dillon was saying, like, when

57:40

he away from Paythaca. A lot of

57:42

a lot of a lot of things

57:44

could happen when you take a

57:46

step from back from one thing

57:50

work on other things. Because we're our job now like, when I when we first started

57:52

coming up -- Yeah. -- it was you gotta get stand

57:54

up, get better, do sets every night, or you could get

57:56

as many sets in a week, and it was like, can I

57:58

get into this club? And that's what it

58:01

was. Now it's like, alright, dude. So I gotta get the podcast studio

58:03

going. I gotta get those episodes in. I'm gonna

58:05

be a guest on these. I'm

58:07

gonna try to run the squad. Clerical work. This is all

58:09

clerical work. That's not that's not creative.

58:11

Right. Booking a guest is

58:13

like --

58:14

No. No creativity. You know, what time can you be

58:15

there? Okay.

58:15

Well, I can do three. You can do one. Oh, how about you move it

58:17

to? This isn't that's not creative shit. No.

58:19

It's not. You No.

58:21

It's

58:21

not at all. So It's shit that we didn't think we

58:24

should've been doing it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We just have

58:26

to learn how to zoom in on a

58:28

fucking clip. Is nothing

58:30

to do with making everyone laugh

58:32

at rape. Should we color the

58:34

captions? Or it will always be an outline on

58:36

this set. Like, what?

58:38

Yeah. Yeah. I almost wish that it like it was just about the standup

58:40

sometimes. Do you ever just wish it was just Dude,

58:42

there was a day when Facebook

58:44

and Instagram went down because they're both

58:46

same company. And it was, like, for a whole day.

58:48

And and they hadn't released, like, oh, we're happy with

58:50

the server or whatever. And there was a

58:52

moment I felt everybody going, maybe it's

58:54

down for ever. Maybe it was hackers. Imagine. Never be back up. And

58:56

everyone was a little bit like, I'm not falling

58:58

behind. Yeah. The whole thing

59:00

is down.

59:01

Yeah. Like COVID, where it's like, oh, no

59:04

one's working? Sweet.

59:05

I can actually take time off. But

59:07

it made people feel really behind. Right. It made you

59:09

because you weren't falling behind. And I

59:11

I actually thought about if there was no Facebook

59:13

or anything. Like yesterday, I was scrolling

59:15

through, dude. And I just saw, like, this horrible thing

59:17

of, like, a four year old that was beaten

59:19

to death rest. So and and and and it just, like, kid

59:21

and

59:21

then all of a sudden, another kid and then all of a sudden, I'm

59:23

missing one. And then all of a sudden, RIP

59:25

to RIP to my uncle who

59:28

I love and I'm seeing all this heartache do. And I'm just like and I'm scrolling through

59:30

and I'm really happy this. And it's just like, I

59:32

don't if I didn't see this, I would be and

59:34

I went to bed last night and I thought

59:36

of all the things I just

59:38

scrolling going going. Life is like, this is what the fuck is Did hear about the guy

59:40

at Google who's in charge of figuring out what goes

59:43

into the dark web and what goes into the main

59:45

web? No, dude. So, like, snuff

59:48

stuff like you can't search for that. You

59:50

know? Right. You can't see death. Right. So this guy's gotta look

59:52

at death all day and rape and

59:56

herbals up butts and, like, whatever, terrible stuff. Children being, like,

59:58

with 1R0, he's gotta, like Yeah. And

1:00:00

all those guys quit in, like, eight

1:00:02

months and have to see therapy forever.

1:00:05

Because, like, you're not supposed to see all

1:00:08

this. Chris Allen, he his job was to look

1:00:10

at fucking you know, Chris Allen from

1:00:12

from Virginia Beach, chronically

1:00:14

blackout. Yeah. Yeah. It works

1:00:16

with Norman. Right? Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:00:18

Yeah. Good guy. Funny guy.

1:00:20

But he would have to look at, like, drone

1:00:22

shit, and he would be looking at videos

1:00:24

from not in Korea or in

1:00:26

Korea but in in a war tournament. Looking at

1:00:28

video and go that guy's about to

1:00:30

die. And then three to

1:00:32

one target Target locked.

1:00:34

Jeez. And knowing and it's just like, oh, this shit's

1:00:36

getting to me. Dude, no. So, like, you're on Facebook

1:00:38

singles negative? You're right. It's it's wearing

1:00:40

awful. It's it's and all those documents, I saw

1:00:42

this thing this called into the deep. It's a

1:00:44

dock on Netflix. Under that one. And, yeah, dude,

1:00:46

it was this guy from Denmark where he built

1:00:48

a homemade he built a homemade

1:00:50

he was just one of small level Elon

1:00:53

Musk in Denmark. Okay. Right? He

1:00:55

built a a self made submarine

1:00:58

that worked -- What? -- and he wanted to send a a single man rocket to space

1:01:00

and, like, yeah, and he had, like, a thing. And

1:01:03

a journalist a journalist shows

1:01:06

up and she wants to do a story. And -- Right. -- he's like,

1:01:08

meet me tonight on the submarine, we'll go down

1:01:10

and everything. And then it goes missing.

1:01:12

And then all of a sudden,

1:01:14

they find him in the submarine and she's nowhere

1:01:16

to be found. Mhmm. And dude -- What? -- during during

1:01:19

this time, there was

1:01:21

another reporter there doing a

1:01:24

documentary on his rocket project.

1:01:26

So so they're shooting a

1:01:28

doc. Right? Of him? But this is the best this is,

1:01:30

like, finding the fragments. When you're shooting a

1:01:32

separate doc, and then you're already shooting at some crazy shit comes out. Remember

1:01:34

fighting the Fremont? It was about a clown. Oh,

1:01:36

yeah. He turns out, oh, he's raping

1:01:38

his kids. Oh, yeah.

1:01:40

So I was like, oh, we're gonna get the cameras rolling for

1:01:42

another context. This is great. So this is so

1:01:44

for months, she's like, so were you gonna do you gonna do a single

1:01:46

in rocket? He's talking about this

1:01:48

copenhagen company that he used to work at and now their competition in my rocket, my

1:01:50

single rocket's gonna go first and all this stuff. And

1:01:52

you're just like, well, okay. And he's like good

1:01:54

to his volunteers that he like,

1:01:57

good people love. And then all of a sudden, dude, another,

1:01:59

he goes, you see he see text. He goes, hey, if

1:02:01

you wanna come out another thing, dude, and she just doesn't

1:02:03

show up. And dude, They found out

1:02:05

you find out what the fuck Dude, do the ejector? No. Dude, he

1:02:08

what he did was he was dude,

1:02:10

he he tortured or

1:02:14

remurbed her -- Oh. -- he he he cut her butt he cut

1:02:16

her up and he he's he's And they

1:02:18

show him the day he gets rescued, which is

1:02:22

hours after. Rest or Soldier. Your name was Kim Wall, rest or subbrutal.

1:02:24

And he's like, yeah, dude, I don't

1:02:26

know I don't know what happened and then all of a

1:02:28

sudden a lie. Alright. Fine.

1:02:30

Eleven days after he was arrested.

1:02:32

Fine. The latch hitter in the head,

1:02:34

and I dispose the butt. Then they

1:02:36

find body parts. Alright. Fine. I and

1:02:38

he just kept and, dude, you find out what

1:02:40

was he was searching on what he did.

1:02:42

And and then during

1:02:45

the dock, the woman who was shooting the

1:02:47

the the rocket. Because the rocket Is she, like,

1:02:49

coming on the rocket with you? And now she's, like, no, dear,

1:02:51

I won't. In one of the last scenes, in one

1:02:53

of the last scenes, they showed something,

1:02:55

he said, bizarre, like, not lump.

1:02:57

He he goes, well, listen, you know. Do

1:02:59

you know about psychopath? He said this to

1:03:01

the to the lady. Do you know about psychopaths? He

1:03:03

goes, yeah, psychopaths come across as very charming,

1:03:05

and they come across as this and that,

1:03:07

but they could really be, like, you know,

1:03:09

you don't know you know, you

1:03:11

don't know some of the things that they might wanna do. And

1:03:13

then all of a sudden, it just goes black and it's done so

1:03:16

he was saying shit like that

1:03:18

to her and they all almost, like, pieced it together. And then

1:03:20

some of the volunteers, one guy was, like, his buddy

1:03:22

to one guy was, like, crying, like, was, like,

1:03:24

hugged him when the first test rocket went up

1:03:26

and all

1:03:28

this And he's like, dude, he's like, this guy was like, his birthday parties.

1:03:30

Dude, he was into tying women up,

1:03:32

torturing them, doing all

1:03:36

this like, the worst thing ever. And then he would just go and show up and,

1:03:38

like, was there, like, leader, but he was a psychopath

1:03:40

and he kind of was giving the message

1:03:44

through. And, dude, it was one of the most and I went and, like, after the Facebook

1:03:46

shit in that, I'm like, there's evil in this

1:03:48

fucking world, dude. Like It's

1:03:50

crazy because,

1:03:52

like, Is there so much to analyze there? First of all, that's great.

1:03:54

No one has to watch a documentary anymore. Yeah. Sorry

1:03:56

about that. No. It's great. No one was

1:03:57

gonna watch it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:04:00

But, like, he caught

1:04:02

that.

1:04:02

You know what I

1:04:03

mean? Like, maybe you're into

1:04:06

blondes. I mean, like, or

1:04:08

Asianitis ever hear that. No.

1:04:09

What is that? It's when you're

1:04:10

like, I wanna fuck Asians. Oh, you know what I

1:04:12

mean? I just gotta think for Asians. So

1:04:15

you talk Asian. I

1:04:18

choke a bitch, you know,

1:04:20

during sex. So and, like, whatever it

1:04:22

is -- Right. -- some girls like

1:04:24

older men or

1:04:26

or or like, whatever the fetish And this guy caught torture

1:04:28

and dismemberment. Yeah. It's

1:04:30

Or some people catch children

1:04:33

I like fucking six year olds. And it's like,

1:04:35

damn, I

1:04:35

got I got I

1:04:38

got like big boobs and

1:04:40

you got You got six year olds. Well, he had this thing where now

1:04:42

that I remember watching it, I

1:04:44

remember seeing the things he would say when he was just

1:04:46

doing the everyday documentary where he would

1:04:48

go, look,

1:04:50

The reason I'm doing this is because I wanna have fun. We're all gonna die. So I

1:04:52

wanna experience us sending a rocket

1:04:54

here. I wanna experience a submarine.

1:04:57

And, like, I think murder was something that was, like It

1:04:59

was, like, he wanted to, like, either yeah.

1:05:01

Like, to see that. And, like, that's a yeah. Dude, like, that

1:05:04

that's, like, a six hour thing. Oh my god.

1:05:06

That's ridiculous. That's so

1:05:09

fucking awesome. As we're talking about

1:05:11

the most horrible shit in the world, your dog -- You would never -- -- out

1:05:13

of that banana. -- and I -- You would never murder

1:05:15

anybody. Just remember them. Would you? She's like a fucking squirrel

1:05:17

I would. Yeah. Oh, she

1:05:20

was. It's a the one she was like a two feet away

1:05:22

from one slowly --

1:05:24

Loving her legs. -- she kinda acted like a cat there

1:05:26

where I they they just kinda slow and then it's

1:05:28

just a burst. And then it was on.

1:05:29

She's never caught 1III

1:05:32

actually feel like when I watch that

1:05:34

Damerdock and you watch these

1:05:36

people,

1:05:37

imagine going home before you do it. Yeah. Knowing

1:05:39

that that's really your urge, because there's gotta be It's

1:05:41

not a surprise. Because even the gays who let's

1:05:44

say gays in, like, the forties,

1:05:47

where you sort of feel like, I like that guy's pet's

1:05:49

be like, no. No. No. What is that? No. So it's not

1:05:51

-- Right. -- happy. And then solely, like,

1:05:53

I think I Like, how does it eventually hit you? I think I

1:05:55

like to. Right. Because there has to be a time where when you look at

1:05:57

a certain sex. Right? You look at a woman and you see

1:06:00

her curves and everything, and you're

1:06:02

into that, you can do that

1:06:04

if if a guy that's a homosexual sees

1:06:06

a guy and they get the same feeling. At first, they're

1:06:08

problematic. Right. So

1:06:10

imagine murder is your thing. And all

1:06:12

of a sudden, you're like, god, I wanna I like, they

1:06:14

they said that's what Damer did because after he would

1:06:16

dissect animals, they said, like, he couldn't even look

1:06:17

at, like, a piece of steak or, like, liver

1:06:20

without being, like, Wow. Yeah.

1:06:22

Like so, like, organs and, like, he worked at

1:06:24

a like It was like a What? Like, when you know?

1:06:26

He yeah. Like, they like, he would see, like, a, like,

1:06:28

a piece of meat on the thing and he would just, like, at

1:06:30

it for him was like, god, I could cut that out of somebody. dude, to to

1:06:32

live with that before you do

1:06:34

it, that's like -- Yeah. Yeah. -- feel like you

1:06:36

know it's coming. Also,

1:06:37

like and you know Well,

1:06:39

I'm in

1:06:39

society. So I know this is

1:06:42

wrong. You know that,

1:06:44

like, you gotta know somebody screaming.

1:06:46

Please know this hurts don't do this right now. Like,

1:06:48

if I caught let's

1:06:49

say, I caught gardening, you know.

1:06:50

Well, I'm like and I passed the front of these

1:06:52

gardens at all of these village and I'm like, I wish I

1:06:54

could get a plot. I haven't got a plot.

1:06:56

And then one day, I'm like but, you know, one day, I'm like, I think I might

1:06:59

get a blah. But I'm like, no one bothered me. If I if I say, like, I mean,

1:07:01

I might get made fun of it at the stand. Yeah. You

1:07:03

know what I mean? But that's the worst

1:07:05

it's gonna be. But you know

1:07:07

I can't

1:07:07

dismember. I know I've watched

1:07:09

movies. This

1:07:10

is not gonna be accepted by anybody.

1:07:14

Yeah.

1:07:14

Right. So now you're

1:07:15

like, I have this urge, but it's

1:07:17

not gonna go over well. You know what this mean? You

1:07:19

think of do you ever think a

1:07:21

guy has that? And he's just talking to his therapist. And the therapist is

1:07:23

like, so what's going on? No. He's like Well,

1:07:26

listen. I kinda got a new thing here. Yeah.

1:07:30

because because if you because move on past the neighbor fight, that was about a parking spot.

1:07:32

Okay. III forgave my stepfather.

1:07:34

Listen, I'm gonna I I think

1:07:38

killing somebody, they would have to tell let's see. You can't do that.

1:07:40

Because No. You can't do that. I thought they got a protective

1:07:42

IIII think there's

1:07:44

a danger I don't think it's in a danger. Like, if you

1:07:47

literally look at your therapist and you go, I

1:07:49

have the urge to stab someone at death, I don't think

1:07:51

that they could just let you go. Alright.

1:07:53

Confidentiality. Like, they'd have to be like alright. Did I tell

1:07:55

my therapist, my my Rocolates

1:07:57

managed, my friend, was telling

1:08:00

I was, like, thinking about suicide a lot years

1:08:01

ago. Mhmm. And she goes she

1:08:03

brings it

1:08:03

up to a therapist ever. And I was, like, no. I don't

1:08:05

know if it'd be sir, because

1:08:07

I feel like he would

1:08:08

be. I

1:08:09

didn't know any better. I was talking about something else and

1:08:11

I was like, alright. Did you call

1:08:13

the suicide? How long I don't wanna bother.

1:08:14

Yeah. I don't wanna bother anybody. Take one there. Let's sit there for anyway, so I brought

1:08:16

it up and then he was like, well, let's

1:08:18

focus on that for a while. I'm like,

1:08:21

But I'm still trying to work out, like, you

1:08:23

know, I was raised at kind of a conservative household. He goes, yeah.

1:08:25

Let's let's let's let's just start with the suicide. Yeah. But imagine I was like,

1:08:27

I wanna murder children. No,

1:08:31

dude. That's yeah. That's just like I'm glad I

1:08:33

what I caught was like liking sneakers. Yeah. Yeah. But

1:08:35

I just stir your

1:08:38

ass. Another fucking greed of things. Speakers. Shoot. Yeah. Shoot.

1:08:40

The foot game is big. Foot

1:08:42

game is really big. Man. Like, today,

1:08:47

the Versa effect. I had Sam Roberts come in and he had Nike he

1:08:49

had Air Max One's. Where's the Versa effect

1:08:51

available? Isn't that Spotify

1:08:54

and Apple? Podcast and YouTube? Yes. It all In

1:08:56

a studio now. So in a studio now,

1:08:58

I've I've finally moved into the, you

1:09:02

know Really, the Versi full effect now. Now it's the Oh. I

1:09:04

was thinking of a name I go. We kinda,

1:09:06

like, redid it. Should we go, like, Virzi

1:09:09

two point o? The Versi full effect, I was like, no. But he

1:09:11

walked in and he had these Air Max ones. I'm not just

1:09:13

the first time being. I couldn't even look at his

1:09:16

face. No. Could

1:09:18

you I just go I go I go, hey, man. Nice to see you,

1:09:20

John. I go,

1:09:21

dude. Those are nine. He just goes, yeah, he goes, these are these

1:09:23

are the ones too impressed. And like, yeah, like,

1:09:25

I You know, but it worked. Somebody does that

1:09:27

with, like, hurting. Somebody Right. That's fucking wild, to me, dude. here's the thing. He knew. Like, when you

1:09:29

think you ever find a friend, like, wait, you're into

1:09:32

that too.

1:09:35

Like, when I when I first started thinking I didn't want kids and I thought I was a

1:09:37

weirdo, you know, and then you meet someone else like, oh, I

1:09:39

don't want kids like, wait. Really? What

1:09:42

do you

1:09:43

mean? Did your did your therapist ever tell

1:09:46

you or give you an clinic or, like, why you don't want kids?

1:09:51

Like, look, because No. A lot of people

1:09:53

don't want kids. Yeah. But you were, like, voe it was almost something that

1:09:55

you were, like, I really don't want kids. Like, you were vocal

1:09:57

about, or did they say that there was

1:09:59

a reason did they that

1:10:01

we were No. That wasn't ever anything. It was just like I'm

1:10:03

just not interested at all. Right. But that's I'm having too much

1:10:05

trouble. Like, yeah. Did I gotta

1:10:07

go to

1:10:08

fucking Guam, the fuck

1:10:10

is

1:10:10

six weeks. Like, nobody who has kids ever tells the whole story. It's definitely

1:10:13

like it's great. It's

1:10:15

great. I'm

1:10:16

like, you look

1:10:18

tired. So where

1:10:18

is that? You're booking your next you're booking Singapore

1:10:21

and you're just

1:10:23

like, yeah. Yeah. Shaffir's

1:10:26

great. You gotta be like, well, I can get soccer practice.

1:10:28

I gotta do a fight on a on a on a I

1:10:30

think a Makala Peterson, the, like, text thread. But she was

1:10:32

like, you're, like, didn't have to change if you have

1:10:34

kids. I was, bullshit, a hundred percent of changes, your life changes,

1:10:36

but it was like, no. You're an asshole. I'm like,

1:10:38

why am

1:10:38

I an asshole? I just said your life

1:10:41

changes, like, oh, you because

1:10:43

you're a mom. And like, what can't you do? I'm like,

1:10:45

I don't know, go to Mexico City for Thanksgiving at the job event. What are you talking about? Look, there

1:10:48

yeah. I'll tell you right now. Having

1:10:50

kids really was the greatest thing for

1:10:52

me I love being a

1:10:54

dad, but does your life change? Yes. Do you have things to do? Yeah. Dude, like, I can't be, like, I can't say, hey,

1:10:56

you know what, stay. So I'm

1:10:58

gonna go to Vegas with the boys

1:11:01

for five days ago. Like I could, but you would be tomorrow for three weeks. I decided last week on Monday. Dude, if

1:11:03

I was, like, stay. So I'm gonna go out tomorrow alone for three weeks.

1:11:06

She would be, like, hey, we'll

1:11:08

get a lawyer while you're

1:11:10

there because it's fucking it's fucking over and stopped to one Ari's podcast. I don't want to hang out with that shot.

1:11:12

I knew he

1:11:15

was about influence I don't think it's

1:11:17

cute. The fucking why is there a Singapore receipt? Yeah. No. Yeah. I don't I

1:11:19

don't don't think any question when

1:11:22

you have kids, you have to

1:11:25

you know, because here's a thing. And the truth is

1:11:27

when selfish saying yourself, but --

1:11:30

Sure. -- but no.

1:11:32

No. There

1:11:34

are some people that don't want to. Which is not as bad a word as

1:11:36

people make it out. No. No. No. So, which

1:11:38

means self care. I think actually though, it's

1:11:41

actually good that you're doing that because you're like, look, if

1:11:43

I'm not if I if I'm not gonna put all my energy and effort,

1:11:45

like, what you're you're doing a favor. Yeah. You

1:11:47

know what I mean? Yeah. Like

1:11:49

like it's like it's almost good that you know that, like,

1:11:51

that you might Shit. Right. And people go, like, you'd be a

1:11:53

good dad. I'm like, so I'm a good car

1:11:56

owner, but it's still

1:11:58

dumb to own run-in New

1:12:00

York. It's still way too much work -- Right. -- moving the

1:12:02

car across the street every Tuesday and Thursday. It's like, I I don't want all this.

1:12:04

And if I knew how much work

1:12:06

this guy was, I wouldn't have done it.

1:12:08

Right. Yeah. No. You would I said that to you too before, like, you

1:12:10

definitely would be a good there there's certain people you could see and you're like, that person should

1:12:14

not be around kids. And then

1:12:16

that person would be good around kids. You know who also and this is

1:12:18

how you know this is how you know Ari's a great dude. You know who loves Ari

1:12:23

Steve Simone. If Steve Simon is not the closest person to a saint on

1:12:25

our planet. I don't know what he how

1:12:27

great is Steve Simon dude? He's just like,

1:12:29

let me donate some more time for

1:12:31

fucking sick children. Come on, dude.

1:12:33

With the Inocletia. Dude, he is like I need to just donate, like, something normal. That's to be

1:12:35

the sickest fucking kids. All bald

1:12:37

fucking cancer kids. That's your

1:12:40

whole life. He's

1:12:43

a great dude. He's a great dude. No. He's the fucking best.

1:12:45

He's been for me in Tampa, first

1:12:47

weekend of February. Oh, nice. I'll

1:12:49

be in Tampa. That would

1:12:51

great room that

1:12:52

is. Oh, yeah.

1:12:53

I just did it the first time. Oh, how great was that? I love the

1:12:55

And the guys crash the party. The guys great too.

1:12:59

BT. I mean, this dog is so chill. I love the stretch of getting off

1:13:02

slowly and keeping one foot on the fucking

1:13:04

thing as long as possible. And I can't believe

1:13:06

you walker New York City. No leash, man. No

1:13:08

leash.

1:13:09

Because she learned an Equador.

1:13:10

Yeah. Why she didn't she came back when I I guess we trusted. Of

1:13:11

course. You know, it's like your kid. It's like once

1:13:13

they

1:13:14

get on a bike eventually, they're not coming

1:13:16

back. Only

1:13:18

Ari'd be like, no. We're in Venezuela. And the

1:13:20

dog just was worried. I mean, I

1:13:23

was left there. I'm like, what the fuck

1:13:25

is banned in? What the fuck were the one,

1:13:27

like, I don't know. We're all freaking out. Yeah. 602, sooner than

1:13:29

our time should roll. There it goes. Really? That

1:13:31

she -- Oh. -- she

1:13:34

goes on a plane with you?

1:13:36

Like, on like, in the thing or the guy

1:13:38

put her in the No. Here's how you do it. You just lie and say it's a service dog.

1:13:40

Before, is there a

1:13:42

motion support dog that they

1:13:44

rid of that. Now they made a service dog, which

1:13:46

actually is way easier because you go, it's a service dog. They go, does it perform on service? It goes, does. And then

1:13:49

you go, what's that

1:13:50

service? And you go, uh-uh, you're overstepping.

1:13:54

Wait a minute. What's the difference between an emotional sir

1:13:56

oh, I'm an emotional dog and a service dog.

1:13:58

The dog's gotta be, like, serving something. He he's

1:14:01

trained to do something, which can be,

1:14:03

like, put pressure on your chest if you

1:14:05

have whatever

1:14:05

loopholes. But they can't be like, we'll have a seizure right now so

1:14:07

I can see. They

1:14:10

they can't do

1:14:11

that. Right. You know?

1:14:11

Yeah. The dog could call 911 if I pass out and faint.

1:14:13

Yeah. Exactly. Like, wait. How would a dog

1:14:15

call 911? Like, unfortunately, I'm not

1:14:17

fainting right now, but -- Yeah. --

1:14:20

it's amazing. That's fucking

1:14:22

what? There's a there's a

1:14:23

It's like weed licenses. I mean weed licenses. Like, what's your Like, have hypothermia Yeah. --

1:14:25

I have hypothermia

1:14:28

-- Yeah. K. Yeah. Glaucoma? Yeah.

1:14:30

It don't matter.

1:14:30

It just doesn't matter. It's great. Oh, yeah. And she's calm, so nobody minds.

1:14:36

No. She's she's chill. And I don't mind seeing a

1:14:38

dog on the there was a lady. There was a Asian woman. She had a little chihuahua on the thing and the thing the

1:14:40

and the the lady goes the lady

1:14:42

goes no. Actually, I I they

1:14:46

of dude shout out to Delta. They go like this. They put

1:14:48

her in the in the furthest part, and and

1:14:50

you eat you still heard

1:14:52

echoing, but she's like you can't have that,

1:14:54

dude. I'll apply that same logic

1:14:55

to children. You're crying the whole time? Stay in the bathroom till

1:14:58

the flight goes to her real time. Dude, I'm with you. If you can't your kid shouldn't have

1:15:00

flown especially the fake cry. You know,

1:15:02

fake cry? Yeah. Yeah. You could do fake

1:15:04

cry. I think

1:15:06

nobody can tell. Yeah. You never can tell. No. No. And it's like,

1:15:08

hey, dude, so you're not even actually in pain. I get your ears are popping the first time in your

1:15:10

life. It's annoying. But you don't know what the fuck's going on? Yeah. You're fake crime.

1:15:15

And there's other people around. Yeah. So they ship for home. Because you know when a scream

1:15:17

is inconsolable and it's real -- Yeah. -- and you know

1:15:19

when a kid's

1:15:22

like, I usually get my way. I don't want a second stat. That's

1:15:24

like whether it's none

1:15:25

of this restaurant. Oh, I don't want

1:15:26

to be in that position forever. What

1:15:29

is I want it. Well, there is

1:15:32

none. Bobby, there is none. So

1:15:34

I don't know what to tell

1:15:36

you. See, but parents won't do that.

1:15:38

Right. Parents won't do that. They'll and then if you say, can you come you

1:15:40

know, don't don't talk to him like that? Yeah. You

1:15:42

know,

1:15:42

well, you're not talking to him? So it's on

1:15:46

me. Dude our kid. Like I said to a Joe list today, I go,

1:15:48

this is the first time ever that I actually

1:15:51

want my crowd to be

1:15:53

older in history. Like,

1:15:54

you don't watch your crowd too. Too young. They're

1:15:57

a little offended. You can't say, like They're

1:15:59

a little no. No. No. No. You drop

1:16:01

hard f bomb at the right place, and

1:16:03

they're like, what? But then touch what is it called Indian steak?

1:16:05

You can't say Indian Stanley. Yeah. You

1:16:07

know, like, what? No.

1:16:11

That's really Chris Cross apples.

1:16:11

True. Yeah. It's like who's saying I'm not saying that. And you're like,

1:16:14

no. No. Because what I'm trying to

1:16:15

do is

1:16:15

I'm I'm making front of

1:16:18

Native Americans. You

1:16:19

maybe doesn't

1:16:19

understand. I'm actually trying to hurt Native

1:16:22

Americans for not getting completely wiped

1:16:23

out. This halfway shit ain't gonna

1:16:26

cut it. Yeah. I like a nice

1:16:28

thirty

1:16:28

you're always getting one sixty fourth of you

1:16:30

that's part of the Cherokee nation. Yeah. Without fuck out. You're white.

1:16:35

Are you a Redskins fan?

1:16:35

Or are you a I love the name

1:16:38

Redskins and I even more love the name of

1:16:40

Washington football

1:16:42

team. I don't like this commanders. I I wish I left

1:16:44

it. But you liked it the Washington football team? Yeah.

1:16:46

Is that is that your team or no? No.

1:16:48

No. No. You're you're who are you? Cabbos. That's

1:16:51

right. Your cowboys gang Honor. Respect class. You love

1:16:53

Jerry or no? No. He's Oh,

1:16:55

by the way, I heard the

1:16:57

guy died? No. No.

1:17:00

No. He what are

1:17:02

you? He's positive signs. He's

1:17:04

back. He's awake. Come

1:17:06

on. Hem is awake. Wow. He's awake

1:17:08

and he's, like, talking to his like, he's,

1:17:10

like, talk to that one. What an interesting one?

1:17:12

Because it's, like, what he what happened to

1:17:14

him was not that crazy. Get a heart attack. Fifty thousand people a day have those.

1:17:16

No. But what it was was it was that thing

1:17:18

that it was what it it's a

1:17:20

very rare condition, and it

1:17:22

happens a lot more in they're

1:17:25

just doctors are just talking about. It

1:17:27

happens a lot more in hockey and baseball.

1:17:29

When the puck or baseball hit you, in

1:17:31

that spot during a very it's like milliseconds

1:17:33

of the beat. Yeah. What it does is it throws off the electrical something and it causes that.

1:17:35

So what happened

1:17:39

was Higgans shoulder pat hit him right there. Wow. And this is what

1:17:41

they're saying. They said they said it's this is, like,

1:17:43

in medical books that rarely happens.

1:17:46

And and it just it's a timing thing. That's what they're saying that they think

1:17:48

this was. It hits him there and it

1:17:50

dudge something to his heart like electric,

1:17:53

like and he gets up and then he

1:17:55

went down. And the only way to survive it is, immediate CPR. What's their

1:17:57

name? He was he was just

1:17:59

playing with medical people

1:18:02

and and airlift. And, like, he was in the right spot. Dude, CPR

1:18:04

was quick. They they pumped it back. They

1:18:06

they This is a ref and

1:18:09

the

1:18:09

other players. He gets up after tapped, and then he was,

1:18:11

like, full Yeah. At the point, you could see, like, are you faking it?

1:18:11

What? Yeah. Like, it looks like What are you

1:18:14

doing? No. When they were,

1:18:16

like, sense? No. When they were, like,

1:18:18

like, when I saw Josh Allen like this, you knew that they were, like, oh, this guy's not hurt. This guy's, like I'm glad didn't

1:18:20

play the game. I'm

1:18:22

glad they didn't go fuck

1:18:25

so sad, but we got you know, it's a lot of

1:18:27

money we it. humans. would know, meathead bar. Fuck it.

1:18:30

It's like, you know, It's

1:18:33

like that's that would have been real shitty if

1:18:35

they did. Yeah. Like, what are we gonna do now for the rankings? Like, I I don't know, but their friend does. And they're both They're

1:18:37

almost done. Like, what do you mean? Yeah. I

1:18:39

think that's important. Yeah. Yeah.

1:18:43

No. It's I'm just glad to hear that he's like he's

1:18:45

actually awake. There's what? What matters on mushrooms?

1:18:47

Your buddy maybe he's

1:18:49

dead or we're only gonna play a

1:18:51

sixteen year. It's like it's like alright. Dude,

1:18:53

I tell you what, I saw a Joshua

1:18:56

tree picture church?

1:18:59

I gotta do that once in my dude. That looked like a Dean Delray

1:19:02

posted something where it

1:19:03

was, like, a glasshouse in, like, the

1:19:05

middle of fucking it was,

1:19:07

like, a glass dude.

1:19:09

And I was just like, you rented that. It had, like, all this amazing, like, wooden stairs

1:19:11

in this living room you look out to just and

1:19:14

I'm going, dude. That would be.

1:19:18

We so that one we did, when we all did mushrooms,

1:19:20

there was a shower that opened up

1:19:22

into, like, just the desert, like, big

1:19:24

hot ceiling doors. So so you just shower and,

1:19:26

like, it's And they can be all looking out of the desert. It's just

1:19:28

like, I love showering outside. Oh, dude.

1:19:30

That sounds good. Josh is great.

1:19:33

You gotta do mushrooms though. You

1:19:34

can't yeah. Can't just do weed. Go on a foot. I

1:19:37

mean, good weed.

1:19:40

Because the thing is if if let's

1:19:42

say if I go to the Joshua

1:19:44

tree, And I wanna will

1:19:46

mushrooms make me not

1:19:47

remember, like, really experience it? Oh, you'll experience it. And also it's

1:19:51

not the Joshua. Just

1:19:53

That's not like a spot. That's how fuck it. That's that's that's how Guido.

1:19:55

Yeah. We're going to do the josh. Sounds like it's a nightclub. We're gonna

1:19:57

go

1:19:57

to the joshua tree tonight. We're gonna

1:20:00

fuck it.

1:20:02

Is Guido

1:20:03

an insult? Can it is it

1:20:05

like it can be like Jew, depending on

1:20:07

how a

1:20:08

user, or is it not an insult

1:20:10

at all? If

1:20:11

you said, like, oh, yeah, dude, Guido. My friend my friend and what was

1:20:13

oh, you've my friend is a Jew. Like, the or

1:20:15

my friend, you know, Tony's Guido. Like, I

1:20:17

I wouldn't be Right. It

1:20:19

wouldn't be, like, not gonna be derogatory. If you

1:20:21

if you if I think it's like how you like this Guido fuck came in and wanted

1:20:24

to

1:20:26

pay for everything. It's like a tough guy. That's different. But then you could

1:20:28

do that even

1:20:28

to Italian, which is not in as well. It's the

1:20:30

Italian fuck one to come in. It's really the

1:20:33

fuck. Yes. I

1:20:34

think the fuck after any kind of

1:20:36

like fuck.

1:20:38

You guys paying you Guidos? No. That's harsh without the fuck. I only do it when I'm driving.

1:20:44

Do what? Like -- weed out.

1:20:46

No. Just be like, this fuck, you know Oh, yeah. Like, you just say what they are, and even if it's fat,

1:20:48

this fat, fuck. This

1:20:51

fuck. Look at this this

1:20:53

short thought. Such an license to get

1:20:55

racist, homophobic, misogynist, anything you wanna do. Almost

1:20:57

violent thought. That's actually when I only

1:20:59

have violent thoughts like,

1:21:02

if somebody cuts me off where I could be hurt, that's when I'm

1:21:04

like I wanna hurt you back. Like, I wanna

1:21:06

hurt you back. Yeah. Because you put me and if

1:21:08

I my loved one's

1:21:09

endangered. Have you ever thought of I want I have

1:21:12

enough money and time my hands where if I

1:21:14

see someone's tailgating me. Just go. Nope. Just step on the

1:21:15

break. Yes. Let him smash in a minute. Yeah.

1:21:17

Yeah. We'll get

1:21:20

delayed, though. Yeah. So

1:21:20

you mean, for now,

1:21:21

we gotta

1:21:21

exchange information. Yeah. The day's ruined because you had a tailgate. We didn't. Yeah. Do you get

1:21:23

anxiety when somebody's

1:21:26

behind you for a long time? And then now you're just like, yeah, you go slower. Right? At

1:21:28

the end sometimes, I'm high. And I'm driving. And

1:21:30

the thing says forty, and the other thing

1:21:32

says, six fifty. So I

1:21:34

don't know. I'm one forty for. They're honking, they're

1:21:37

right on me. Like, I don't know. I'm freaking out. I'm hiding it. I can't be

1:21:39

you can't be putting pressure on me. You know, I'm going thirty eight.

1:21:41

Yeah. Yeah. Now no

1:21:44

one's working. Yeah. Give me some space.

1:21:46

Let me calm down. The pressure is not the way to go. Did you ever sit in bumper to bumper traffic

1:21:48

to the point where it was such gridlock

1:21:50

that you were like, you know what? This

1:21:52

car not

1:21:54

that great. I'm just getting out. I just can't

1:21:57

Oh, wow. I don't believe it. Just saw

1:21:59

this event. Dude, I I that's my,

1:22:01

like, after two hours of not moving,

1:22:03

I can't handle Oh,

1:22:04

yeah. Well,

1:22:05

in LA, the greatest thing was everyone just had weed in their car. Did you

1:22:07

know where they actually said he was

1:22:10

like he was

1:22:12

like He was, like, driving with his motorcycle. A dog

1:22:14

pill? What no. It's like

1:22:15

a fucking sleeping pill for the

1:22:15

airplane. I have sleeping pills on me and

1:22:18

fucking these. Oh, jeez. I was, like, disgusted.

1:22:20

Moment. Yeah.

1:22:22

She's like I know. Sure. I think it was,

1:22:24

like, stomped. Oh, is that oh,

1:22:26

okay. Yeah. Ben, it's okay, buddy. You're

1:22:29

okay, bud. I was

1:22:30

just hoping it wasn't like a seizure.

1:22:32

And I was like,

1:22:33

does she does that? Yeah. And motorcycles too. Oh, dude.

1:22:35

This dog is like, the

1:22:39

cutest thing ever, man. Shit.

1:22:41

Yeah. Look at this

1:22:43

guy. It's

1:22:44

okay. He doesn't want kids.

1:22:46

It's

1:22:47

okay, girl. There you go.

1:22:48

Yeah. I wanted

1:22:50

to crash into people

1:22:54

so fucking Oh, dude. But We're just like

1:22:56

oh, god. Well, my number, I said if I was a

1:22:58

serial killer, and this is true. I've said this before on

1:23:00

podcast, so I'm not trying to repeat myself. But -- Yeah. --

1:23:02

if I was a serial

1:23:03

killer, it would be against a cyclist, especially in our

1:23:05

neighborhood, because there's no there's no shoulder. So they stay in the middle of Oregon. Yeah. They

1:23:07

stay in the middle

1:23:10

of the year. Popped

1:23:11

his tire a little bit. Oh, did he ask? Alright. Just gotta hit his tire till he,

1:23:13

like, foot off into a Oh, due to the suburbs, they

1:23:15

got the full get up. They all meet

1:23:17

at the same coffee shop. They'll be

1:23:19

in the middle of thing. And then when you try to

1:23:21

go, like, crazy. And it's like and sometimes they'll make you come out where a car is coming, dude. Are you wearing

1:23:24

rubber pants or biking for ten

1:23:26

minutes? Yeah. So it's just wear jeans.

1:23:28

I Today, a

1:23:30

fucking calm down. Barton because they're just like Spider Man. Like Venom. Yeah. It's it's it is

1:23:32

a whole get up. It's a little like,

1:23:34

it's kind of like a team club.

1:23:39

Verzi's special. You gotta check it out.

1:23:41

Go see him at Gotham in Toronto,

1:23:44

but but at Pittsburgh on Valentine's

1:23:46

Day, but definitely go check out a

1:23:48

special. Nocturnal Admissions. Admissions.

1:23:50

On Netflix right now, if you don't

1:23:52

have Netflix, then I don't

1:23:55

I mean, you got

1:23:57

still an account. If anyone's in Netflix. I mean Yeah. Bobby was saying

1:23:59

something about about

1:23:59

not wanting to release stuff for free because

1:24:02

it devalues it. I'm

1:24:04

like, Netflix is also free. Everyone already

1:24:06

has it. Yeah. Like, everyone's, like, oh, YouTube. It's, like,

1:24:07

dude, like, it's almost, like, it's, like, YouTube at your finger.

1:24:09

It's, like, right there. Yeah. It's the same thing.

1:24:11

You already have Netflix.

1:24:14

So go to it. Yeah. You know, you don't have CBS

1:24:16

online. That was free, and now you gotta

1:24:18

pay for it. Have you watch TV

1:24:20

anymore? No. No. You see

1:24:23

it at a bar, know? And you're like,

1:24:25

see it commercial? You're like, wow. Weird. It's yes.

1:24:27

You know? It just feels so awkward and

1:24:30

strange. It's like lawn

1:24:32

darts especially when it's on mute, so you're not

1:24:34

you're not into it at all. You feel like You just look at your, like, what is that? What is that? And they can't even

1:24:36

curse. So you have a

1:24:38

hard grizzled cop. Yeah. One. Get

1:24:42

off my lawn. I swear to I

1:24:44

swear to I think he was at

1:24:46

Christ. I'm like, I swear to everything

1:24:48

that's holy. I'll I'll end you. I'm

1:24:50

like, what? Call them a call them the Edward, dude. This is her couch. It's it's

1:24:53

down. Why don't you

1:24:55

be chasing somebody? Yeah. What

1:24:59

evidence? Yeah. No. It's all just crime show. It's all an

1:25:01

actor with a badge running down the street after

1:25:03

somebody or, you know, like, I when's

1:25:05

the last time you watched a late night? My goodness. Late

1:25:07

night is I mean, the best is I remember seeing a Seth Meyers.

1:25:09

You know these few moments where it, like, it comes

1:25:11

clear to you. Yeah. I saw

1:25:14

Seth Meyers. You know that

1:25:16

guy? I know. So I'm familiar. And he was

1:25:18

interviewing some dumb model actress. And he was on was didn't he have, like, the third slot?

1:25:20

Second He was a he was

1:25:22

a he was the

1:25:23

late one. Right.

1:25:26

So it was Fillon? Fillon

1:25:29

been straight to

1:25:30

him or was he after

1:25:33

that after? Oh, there was a no. No. He was

1:25:35

second that was So was would fallen then was late Yeah. Yeah. -- like

1:25:37

the Carson Day? The sub

1:25:40

yeah.

1:25:40

Yeah. Regardless,

1:25:42

not the main slot. Not --

1:25:44

Right. -- not the Letterman Leno slot. It

1:25:46

was not the eleven slot. No. I gave

1:25:49

a shit. Right. And he's interviewing some model

1:25:51

actress. That's all he could get. Actually sending some

1:25:53

dumb fucking story because she's a model and an actress. She's double

1:25:55

vappet. She's a black hole. And he's like,

1:25:57

oh my god. And you could

1:25:59

tell he's like, too.

1:26:01

You're creative. You know this isn't a funny story. Oh, you got your sound

1:26:03

like it is for some

1:26:06

not even a real

1:26:08

celebrity. At least, a fucking

1:26:10

Dan DeVito's drunk and fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking I had a Lamborghini last night. He was like, this is a train wreck, but it's fucking cool. It's

1:26:12

fucking the penguin. Did

1:26:14

you see Peccie on letterman?

1:26:18

No. Came out with a lit stick, smoking

1:26:20

a cigar. Dude, and didn't, like and

1:26:22

and they were, like, talking to us. could care

1:26:24

less if the if CBS didn't to and

1:26:26

he's just smoking, and he's just and he was so

1:26:28

he was peschy on the couch. It was

1:26:30

fucking crazy. Oh, dude. It was great. That's great.

1:26:32

So now, that's a guy who's still care until

1:26:34

you get, like, when it's over, when you get Seth Myers having to pretend to

1:26:36

like this dumb lady who just found out about

1:26:38

yesterday. Do you think and it's like,

1:26:41

what are we doing here? Do

1:26:43

you think his numbers are that's

1:26:45

why Conan left. Right? Conan left didn't Conan leave because he was just, like, I'll do

1:26:47

the podcast. Conan O'Brien. I think they were right. They're,

1:26:49

like, nobody's

1:26:51

watching CBS late night. Yeah.

1:26:53

It was more of a TBS thing then. It was like no. He's like I said,

1:26:55

why am I even doing this? He had done it for fucking

1:26:57

thirty years. They did it for a

1:27:00

long time.

1:27:02

And it's like the numbers have gone down, down, down, down, down.

1:27:04

I was making trends, and now I'm just

1:27:06

like, people like, oh, just alone. I'll

1:27:09

tell you what I miss with network. What?

1:27:11

shows. And never want, but, you talking about are

1:27:15

you talking about, like, like,

1:27:17

a price is right? Are you talking about let's make a deal? No. Not let's make a deal. I'm talking about, like, more like price is right. Those

1:27:19

are so You know, price

1:27:24

and even even So it's your fun

1:27:26

TV. If you watch price if you're on whatever at the airport and price rises on, you're getting into

1:27:28

it. Dude, price is

1:27:30

right away to the show

1:27:32

Okay. Show it out. Yeah. You're the first run winner.

1:27:35

I'll see you later in a fucking boat and a doone buggy. Wait. When it goes off, we go somebody's

1:27:37

within a hundred

1:27:39

dollars. Oh, dude. And it was

1:27:41

like, oh my god. I get both. Right. When they go, a new car and then there's like a kayak

1:27:43

and you're like, this was the

1:27:47

better one. And second showcase was always better. But it was

1:27:49

always better. It would pass me, like, you know what? I like that, but it was, like, a couch and, like,

1:27:51

a fur coat. And they're, like, oh,

1:27:53

wait. And then it was, like,

1:27:56

a boat. A fucking kayak. It's the

1:27:58

best one. It's always the new car was the thing. And then you go, but I was like, oh, new car.

1:28:01

He's like, yeah.

1:28:04

Because sometimes it's like

1:28:06

it's a trip to Cancun, and you're like, I mean, I don't really have time for those. I remember

1:28:08

I remember I saw one get a trip.

1:28:10

I was young. I was a little kid.

1:28:14

And they were like, you wanna trip to New York City?

1:28:16

I'm like, I I can't go. Like, that

1:28:18

was and meanwhile, they're like a California.

1:28:21

Yeah. They're, like, what Oh, it's anywhere

1:28:23

I want. I was, like, it's There's dongs. They wouldn't do that now.

1:28:25

The week we don't Stand at

1:28:28

the sub.

1:28:30

The way. Yeah. A real

1:28:32

commercial. A real

1:28:33