0:01

Damn, that's wobbly in the wind. Oh,

0:04

it's six stories above Bucharest,

0:06

Romania. This is a mistake.

0:10

I gotta watch this camera the whole time. Welcome back to part

0:12

two of Jew. I'm intently focused on this

0:14

camera that is double latched, so

0:17

it is not the way these jellyfish

0:20

clamps are made to be used.

0:21

But I wanted to get Bucharest in the background. No,

0:24

no, no, don't fall. There's

0:26

Romania in the background. I'm Ari Shaffir.

0:29

This is the second to last episode of Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank podcast.

0:32

Hold it. Stay, stay. Welcome

0:35

back. Ooh. Welcome

0:38

back, everybody, to part

0:41

two of the album commentary Jew. We

0:44

left Berlin, and now we're back in Bucharest,

0:46

Romania, the country

0:49

where my dad is from. Oh,

0:51

boy. In order to finish

0:53

off this podcast, let's pick up where we left

0:55

off, track 17. Again,

0:58

this is a response to

1:00

the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. It is a special.

1:02

It's a response to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and it's a love letter

1:04

to my people. And

1:08

on sale now. I've got shows. Shit. The

1:12

Wrong Side of History Tour. It's available right

1:14

now for purchase. The on sale

1:16

is everywhere. Hurry up and get tickets. Boston, Chicago,

1:19

Kansas City, Louisville, Indianapolis, St.

1:21

Louis, Parks Casino.

1:23

What's that one?

1:26

Foxwoods. Omaha,

1:29

Fort Wayne, Tulsa, Springfield.

1:33

Shoot. Shoot. Okay,

1:36

I think I got everything. Let's

1:38

start part two of Ari Shaffir

1:41

Jew. And the final part, album

1:43

commentary, starts now. Oh,

1:47

and at the end of this, I'm going to leave my playlist.

1:51

Shit. That I use for

1:53

the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. So you're listening.

1:56

If you're listening instead

1:58

of watching.

2:01

Little easter egg at the end. Isn't Easter egg a tell

2:03

you?

2:04

The entire playlist, some of these will be repeated.

2:07

Of the pre-show of all the fucking

2:10

music that was going on when people were coming into my show. Let's start!

2:14

Hallelujah!

2:18

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

2:26

Hallelujah! When

2:36

we left off, we had just finished

2:38

the what ifs from the Talmud. And that

2:41

brings us to kosher. Second what if

2:43

that we used the

2:44

Talmud. Oh no no no. So the

2:46

what ifs I didn't use is what if you kill someone by accident.

2:50

I never even did that by accident.

2:52

If you killed someone by accident, you fuck it. Your wife

2:55

is a dumb bitch. She gets to chase you down. We went

2:57

over all that. Went over all that. Another

3:00

what if was if you killed someone

3:02

by accident. I

3:05

forget the third one. There's so many. And

3:08

then this is the fourth. Third. But

3:10

it's the only one I showed. And it brings in kosher.

3:16

One of the most interesting parts about

3:18

being a Jew. I know they have

3:21

Muslims have halal. But I don't talk about Muslims. People

3:23

ask me too. Why don't you talk about Muslims more? You

3:26

talk about Jews, you talk about Christians. Plenty

3:28

for a special about Jews. You really shit on Christians quite a lot. For

3:30

a special about Jews, you really gave it to the Christos.

3:34

And the answer is simple. I didn't

3:36

grow up with any comparison

3:39

to Islam. We

3:42

were aware it existed. But it

3:44

was we were Jews separate

3:46

from the Christians. You

3:48

know Islam sure it is

3:51

real. In the Middle

3:53

East. But in America it was just like

3:55

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer on TV. Almost

3:58

nothing. came along

4:00

and Hanukkah did it up, made us proud. And

4:03

then Cartman, we had nothing

4:06

on to it. We had no representation. So

4:08

all we saw was we're not that Christians,

4:11

Muslims. I got no, you know, no problem with you. You're

4:13

the same boat. We are bro. You're in the

4:15

same boat. We are

4:18

outsiders looking in in America, they're

4:21

fucking arguing Protestant Catholic. Oh,

4:24

I mean, 12 days a crew. How

4:29

do you take 12 days of Christmas? You

4:31

know, we had eight days of Hanukkah. You had the one day of Christmas.

4:34

And then you were like, no, no, let's get 50% more than the Jews.

4:36

Oh, who's the better barker now? Anyway,

4:39

here we go. Let's start

4:41

with kosher. Press

4:44

play. Here's my favorite. Here's my all time

4:46

favorite what if from the Talmud. It's

4:49

about dietary laws we have kosher. You guys have heard

4:51

that word, right? Kosher, yeah. Certain

4:54

things we can and can't eat. And that's what we call kosher.

4:57

Muslims have halal.

4:58

Christians just go buck wild. So

5:03

you can't mix meat and milk. Not all the mixed meat

5:05

and milk. The reason for that is God is a cunt.

5:09

Can't even go into it. But like, so I never

5:11

had a cheeseburger till I was 23 years old. Never

5:13

had a cheeseburger.

5:14

Yeah, it's weird. Weird upbringing, you

5:17

know? The closest I got was I had a hamburger

5:19

and then six hours later I ate a slice of cheese. And

5:22

then I was like. I

5:27

had a couple of cheeseburgers coming out but never going

5:29

in. Also

5:34

no pig products of any kind. No pork,

5:36

no bacon, no ham. Not allowed

5:38

at all. Actually this

5:40

is fun because I took my nephew for

5:43

his bar mitzvah. I took him to a New York ranger game. Bar

5:46

mitzvah is a Jewish coming of age ceremony. You've

5:49

heard that. It's like a Mexicans have quinceaneras

5:51

I guess for little girls. It's

5:53

when a bar mitzvah is when a Jewish boy

5:55

becomes a man. And that's when he can read from

5:57

the tour for the first time and they let him on his own.

6:00

evicted family out of their home, uh... you

6:04

know, all by himself. Um... And

6:08

so for his bar mitzvah, I took my nephew to a ranger

6:10

game. My Orthodox Jewish nephew, and, uh,

6:13

during first intermission, we went and got concessions.

6:15

And I ordered a bacon cheeseburger. And he was

6:18

just like, ah? And I'm like, I don't

6:20

have to tell you, dude, when you're 19, you can

6:22

fuckin' come out of this dumb cult, but... Until

6:24

then, I told your mom you'd be good, so

6:27

enjoy your french fries, loser. But

6:30

you gotta understand, he's never seen bacon

6:32

before. 13 years old, he's never been to a non-kosher

6:34

restaurant. Why would he? He's only friends with Jews. He's

6:37

only go...hangs around with Jews. He's never

6:39

seen bacon, he's never smelled bacon, never

6:42

touched bacon, and

6:43

he just had questions. Look, I was already

6:46

the cool uncle, you know? I fuck hookers, I do

6:49

drugs. But dude,

6:52

bacon?

6:53

And

6:57

he was just like, Uncle Ari, what? What does bacon

6:59

taste like? And I'm

7:01

like, oh, it's the greatest thing in the

7:03

world. How

7:05

do you even explain bacon to someone who's never... It's like,

7:08

you have no jumping off ground to understand this. It's

7:11

like explaining freedom to a slave. You

7:14

know? Or hardship to a millennial.

7:20

He was like, my mom said it tastes

7:22

like roast beef. She's a

7:24

liar, dude. Your mom's a liar.

7:26

It's my little sister. I knew it a long time ago. I thought she'd

7:28

stop lying, but now I know she's still doing it. He's

7:32

like, why do you think she's lying? Like, because she's

7:34

never had bacon. And I've had both bacon

7:36

and roast beef, so I'm the

7:38

expert here. And

7:41

he goes, what? So you don't like roast beef? I'm like, you're

7:43

missing the point completely. Roast

7:46

beef is fine, dude. But next to bacon, roast beef

7:48

is like making out with Madonna now.

7:54

So we

7:57

have these kosher laws. Okay.

8:00

kosher down. Next

8:02

up is oh the ham soup doll this

8:04

is when it gets double rolling. Okay

8:07

few things you might not know that I didn't put in

8:10

here.

8:10

Spardis, the Johariri Jews,

8:13

the Arabic Jews, they wait three

8:15

hours after meat and

8:17

I think the Yemenites I think I don't really know

8:19

much about them I think they wait like 30 minutes. Vice

8:22

versa I might mix it up. Vice versa if

8:25

you eat cheese when

8:27

can you eat meat 30 minutes.

8:30

Seems dumb right? It seems really dumb

8:32

yep that's what it is but

8:34

meat before milk come on you think you think you

8:37

think you think you know what to eat?

8:40

Cheese? Come

8:43

on bro. The

8:45

closest I did come was not what I said

8:48

there was fucking

8:50

eating a hamburger than you know

8:52

cheese not a slight whatever. The closest I came

8:55

was Morningstar

8:57

Farms. Today's episode

8:59

is a prophecy by Morningstar Farms making

9:02

Jews believe patties are beef since

9:04

at least in the 80s.

9:07

Morningstar Farms had these

9:09

vegetable patties they also had breakfast sausages

9:12

and they were not

9:14

meat meat. That's

9:17

reality they were not meat meat. Yeah

9:21

and we put cheese on them and it

9:23

was like it was great it

9:25

was great there was a couple things that and bacon

9:27

bits I mean I would eat a whole thing

9:29

of bacon my mom would get so mad cuz they're like it's for sprinkling

9:32

on salads. Bacos they

9:34

were fake. Fake-o-baco but they tasted

9:36

like bacon to me that was the closest I

9:38

got for real to bacon. Ranger

9:41

stories. So I did take my

9:43

nephew to a game for

9:45

his bar mitzvah I got some of those agent tickets

9:48

I was such a fucking good uncle that day.

9:51

They're huge Ranger fans these kids

9:53

all of them. I like the caps

9:55

enough but I don't give a fuck it's hockey

9:57

it's fourth sport

9:59

not in New York it's not.

9:59

Um. She

10:05

took me to a ranging room. We got this sweet fucking

10:07

hookup tickets from like a publicist and

10:10

we passed the entrance

10:12

to, um, his

10:14

dad dropped him off. I think in the front

10:16

with me or I took no, his dad dropped

10:18

him off. And

10:23

we passed by the entrance to Master Grow Garden. He was like,

10:25

where are we going? But that's the entrance because he's been

10:27

there, you know, a bunch. I'm like, no, no, no, we're not going there. You're

10:30

with Uncle Ari now. Dude,

10:33

I love when I fucking rise to the occasion.

10:36

Oh my gosh. So,

10:38

so, um, then

10:41

we go into the pen entrance where

10:44

all the celebrities go in and the hookups and Christie, Christie

10:46

has been going there since, but he was in high school.

10:49

He just is the New York City

10:51

sports God. But so we go on that

10:53

way. He's like, what's going on? And then instead of going

10:56

up, we go down.

10:58

Under, under, under, and dude,

11:00

we sat, we saw the fucking owner. It, where you

11:03

get like all these famous, he couldn't touch shit.

11:06

He couldn't touch anything that

11:08

might be. Yeah.

11:13

So I'm remembering this now. So

11:15

the actual story is in the, um,

11:17

I don't remember. It's

11:20

either where we went to concessions. I got

11:22

that. Or we went to the kosher section. Yeah. They

11:27

did have it in the suite that I was in. Did

11:29

you come out right on the ice level? Like you're like

11:31

six rows up. You can go up a little bit. No, no. They

11:34

all go up. You're

11:35

like one row up and

11:38

Christie was right behind us. Actually. Yeah.

11:42

Damn. Forgot about that. Because

11:45

you're D involved in our issue for you. Um, yeah,

11:51

he was amazed. But, but up

11:53

there before the game started, I mean, I could do anything. And I was, I remember going

11:55

like, you listen, I told your mom, you'd be good. So

11:58

you can't have anything.

11:59

And he had like a plate of like vegetables and fries. And

12:03

then we got concessions. We went out, we had to leave the

12:05

fucking suite. It's pretty much a suite. It's just not

12:07

a sky suite.

12:10

To go get him some shit food. What

12:13

the fuck? I mean, God would not have wanted that.

12:17

Also, I was like trying to like be a good uncle. So I was like,

12:19

who's your favorite player? Even though I do

12:21

like sports. And he just, he was just like, I'm

12:23

like, what? He goes, they just traded him. The

12:26

Rangers were in a rebuilt. And

12:28

I was like, ah, that sucks, man. Who's your second favorite

12:30

player? And he's like,

12:32

they just traded him too. So

12:38

I was like, who's like their favorite player on

12:40

the team? He said, John?

12:44

Is it Don? Someone

12:47

another judge? You

12:52

know what he did say? He didn't say roast beef. He

12:54

said brisket. I had to change it. That's

12:56

a lot. I did change. It was always brisket. Cause

12:59

I'm imagining a Jewish brisket, but

13:02

the more I went to Austin,

13:04

I realized that that's not what America

13:06

thinks of brisket. Cause brisket

13:09

could compete with bacon.

13:11

It really could, especially down there in Texas.

13:14

It could compete with bacon. And so not, I wouldn't agree,

13:17

but in some people's mind for sure. So I

13:19

had to change the roast beef. That

13:23

line explaining that's a late

13:25

ad explaining hardships or millennial. I think I did

13:27

it like twice ever. It should have been

13:29

explaining hardship to a 23 year old white woman.

13:33

That's what it should have been. You

13:36

know, their apartments are paid for. They're

13:38

driving up the rent in my neighborhood because they're affording

13:40

stuff. They couldn't possibly afford not to

13:42

leave my fucking neighborhood one more year. And

13:44

then I think I'm out

13:45

because I'm priced out of fucking my

13:48

neighborhood in New York. I'm doing well.

13:53

5.8 million views on YouTube. It's got to be a million,

13:55

six million by now, right? From the first one. Guys,

13:57

go tell everybody.

14:00

And then Madonna now is laid

14:02

out because the pictures of her came out. First she

14:04

kissed Drake. Remember that? She kissed Drake and

14:06

for the first time everyone was like, hey, actually Madonna, you can't do that. Dude,

14:09

that's so funny how much they want to fucking show things. They

14:11

don't do that in Romania. They're

14:14

too free right now. They just got free so

14:16

they don't have time to be like, you shouldn't do this. It's like

14:18

kids on day one, like minute one

14:21

of recess when they don't have time yet for like,

14:23

you cheated. I wasn't a catch. I

14:25

wasn't a foul. How'd you get your foul? They had none of

14:27

that. They were like, what's that? And they

14:29

just go enjoy the

14:30

field. That's what these Romanians

14:33

are like. All

14:35

right, let's listen to the ham soup because this is one of my favorite

14:38

bits in the special, the ham soup.

14:40

And so here's my favorite what if from the Talmud.

14:43

What if you're making some soup? Okay. Let's

14:46

imagine a big vat of soup in the town square

14:48

in Jesus times Jerusalem. You know, can you picture

14:51

some guys making this fucking cauldron of soup

14:53

and one of these guys, one of these shifty

14:55

fucking guys, he's just

14:57

kind of like milling about, you know, just hanging

15:00

by nearby. What's that guy even doing here?

15:02

Nobody wants him here. Just

15:04

shifty, you know, just bringing down property

15:07

values.

15:11

I hate when they're here. And

15:13

he reaches into his pocket. This can't be good. What's

15:15

this goik? And he pulls out. Yeah, some

15:18

ham.

15:21

No one's looking. Don't

15:24

get the ham right in the soup. He's like, fuck off, Jews.

15:27

Fuck, it takes off. What

15:31

if that happens? Can you eat the soup or not? That's

15:34

what the Talmud asks. That's a legit what if from

15:36

the Gemara that

15:38

I studied for three weeks in a Yeshiva

15:40

in Jerusalem when I was 19 years old. I

15:43

get the other ones. I really do. What if

15:45

you kill somebody by accident? What if you stab a

15:47

period into your wife?

15:51

Sure,

15:54

sure, sure. What if the rope? Go

15:57

away. loses

16:01

goddamn marbles, breaks

16:05

through your juice security, and

16:09

commits just the saltest act of terrorism

16:11

of all time. It's

16:14

a hate crime. Pure and simple, it's a hate crime. But

16:16

no loss of life.

16:18

But ooh, what a possible loss

16:20

of soup. What

16:24

a dab! It's like a habanjole! So

16:26

if that happens, the gomorrah asks, then what do you do? What do

16:28

you do with the soup? Can you eat it, or

16:31

can you not eat it? What

16:32

are you... Not the Orthodox Jews, everybody else. What

16:35

do you guys think? Eat it? A couple

16:37

hell-nosed? What?

16:39

Take out the ham. All right,

16:41

you're thinking. That's

16:45

what the gomorrah does, by the way. It just teaches you, like, think

16:47

it out, logic this out. What can you do? You know? Maybe

16:50

run it through a sheet, maybe whatever. Like... You know? But

16:54

all they did, the ancient round-bits, just discussed

16:56

it and come up with the answer. And you're all wrong. You're all wrong.

16:59

You were never gonna get it.

17:00

The answer is... For sure, you were never gonna get this. The

17:03

answer is... It depends

17:05

on the ratio of ham to soup. Yeah.

17:16

And that number, and I don't know why, that

17:18

number... Actually, if anybody knows it, on the count of

17:20

three, say it. One, two, three.

17:23

Six-year! Yeah, one-sixth.

17:25

I'm not making it up. Yeah.

17:30

A lot of you Christians are like, wait, what's going on

17:32

right now? Did

17:34

Aria have 47 audience plants? One-sixth.

17:39

The law is called beatobishishim, the waste of the

17:41

six-eighth.

17:43

And, uh, if it's less than one-sixth, you know, if

17:45

it's one-sixty-fourth ham to soup, then the

17:47

ancient round-bits are like, hey, man, let's just soup a little bit of ham in it. That

17:49

never hurt nobody. Yum,

17:53

yum, eat it up. But

17:56

if it's a little less water, or a little more ham, it's one-fifty-ninth

17:59

ham to soup.

17:59

Then they're like, dude, that's obviously ham soup.

18:02

I'm just saying. Pour

18:06

it out on the street. Don't give it to the nonchers. That'll incentivize

18:09

them to do it again. Throw it out.

18:14

Here's the cool thing, though. Here's what me and all my friends,

18:16

like, tapped into. We

18:17

were 19 in the Seshua. We

18:20

were like, uh, here's the coolest part

18:22

of the law. The ham

18:24

in the non-ham soup, you know, if it's

18:27

167th, whatever, ham to soup, it's no longer considered

18:29

ham.

18:30

Yeah, it's lost its hamness.

18:35

So you can eat that ham. And

18:37

that, my friends, is a loophole

18:40

that we were all looking for. Yeah.

18:44

Yeah. Jews do love loopholes.

18:48

And we're back. Ooh,

18:51

the ham soup, y'all. God, I

18:53

got a lot here. So watch

18:56

for this, because I try to do it a bunch through

18:58

the whole special. I'm

19:00

trying to reclaim the word so that we

19:03

could fight back. You know how they, like, the, um,

19:06

um, was

19:09

it gays or lesbos that were

19:12

reclaiming either the F word or

19:14

the D word? I

19:16

don't know. Black people were reclaiming

19:18

the N word. I

19:21

wanted to reclaim a storyline. So

19:23

I'm calling the

19:27

gays the shifty ones.

19:30

You know how they always say us? But imagine a world where

19:32

we were in power, where the Jews were the

19:34

dominant ones.

19:36

Wouldn't have been reversed.

19:38

And I'm always like, I wanted like, I wanted

19:41

the rest of the people like, listen, like think

19:43

about that. Why can't you be the shifty ones?

19:45

You think you're better than us? You think you're

19:47

so much different? You're just in power. We were in power

19:50

and you were a problem. I'm

19:53

trying to give power to the Jews. And then same thing. I'm

19:55

just trying to call attention to like that those guys, you

19:58

were the blacks

19:59

property. you bring down property values. That's just

20:01

me talking about, you know, that's actually probably

20:03

what Jews say now, whenever a black family

20:05

moves in. They're bringing down the property

20:08

values as if they're going by and like, it's

20:11

crazy. It really does happen though. A few

20:13

black people move into the neighborhood and instead

20:15

of your house being worth a million dollars, it's worth like 950

20:18

for

20:18

two

20:20

families. They can be Cosby level

20:23

before the, you can't

20:25

use them as an example anymore. You can't

20:27

use the Cosby Show as an example anymore. It's

20:30

probably the worst thing about that whole situation. Oh,

20:43

Gamora, I'm just using these heap of words.

20:45

I told you about that. Almost burned

20:47

myself. It's

20:50

me walking to the candles. Yeah, for real, I was about myself.

20:52

Everybody on the set was worried. Like, where are you gonna go during

20:54

that part? And I was like, hey, I gotta go like right

20:56

somewhere. Because on stage

20:59

normally, I

21:00

just go to a corner. The creek in the cave, go look

21:02

at Shane's special from the creek in the

21:04

cave. That's the set. That's not

21:06

his set. That was just, he was the first one to shoot there. Hopefully,

21:10

you know, anyone else will say, respectfully,

21:12

like, have to change the set. But that's just how

21:14

the creek looks. It's cool. I

21:17

would go hide

21:18

like behind the bear that's

21:20

on stage. Anything that was on there, I would

21:22

like kind of hide behind. There was nothing

21:24

to hide behind. It was all fucking very flammable.

21:27

I had a very, I probably had the most flammable

21:30

set since Michael Jackson. Ha

21:33

ha ha ha ha ha ha.

21:35

I wonder how many

21:37

percentage of people watching

21:40

or listening understand

21:42

that reference. I

21:47

bet, I bet not. Marissa, if

21:49

the entity, can you get a picture of Michael Jackson

21:51

with his hair on fire? Just put it

21:53

up real quick. Like one

21:56

second, maybe a second and a half.

21:58

Over the whole scene. He

22:01

was doing a Pepsi commercial

22:04

and he had all these fireworks like Kevin

22:06

Hart on stage and it just lit all his

22:09

soul glow

22:11

on fire. It's very flammable hairspray.

22:16

Stab period India. It's

22:19

the same like not taking it

22:21

seriously. It's

22:24

a callback but that

22:26

terminology is intentional to

22:29

keep it degenerate level comedy.

22:33

Not the other, just oh. So I had this problem

22:35

and this issue I was thinking. All

22:38

through when I was doing this, especially in New York

22:42

or Jewish markets like Chicago

22:45

or Melbourne

22:48

or London. You

22:52

know you ask a question of the crowd

22:55

and it's either everybody

22:57

cheer or it's rhetorical.

23:01

So like anybody see the new Star Wars? They

23:03

just want everybody to cheer. They don't want one guy as

23:05

people cheer go, hey I have, I thought it was pretty

23:08

good. Overall nobody wants that.

23:11

But

23:14

when I was doing that and asking questions sometimes

23:16

it would be Orthodox Jews in the crowd who would know this

23:18

and they would yell it out. And then also the problem is I

23:21

ran this so many times in New York City that

23:23

people, I

23:27

know people had seen this

23:29

stuff before in the audience. I know it.

23:32

You know you have regular comedy fans that want to

23:34

go to the tape. So I had to ask them before the show

23:36

started. Adrian did it once and I did it once

23:38

over the loudspeaker. I was like if anyone's seen

23:40

these things before or if they're

23:42

Orthodox Jews, I reminded them about the Orthodox

23:44

Jews. I'm like don't answer any questions

23:46

I ask. I cooked it

23:49

that much. That's

23:51

all. Be quiet when you already have seen

23:53

it. Because you know you're supposed to watch it for the first time. It's

23:56

not a quiz. It's not like you're going to get bonus

23:59

points. But they were all good. all good and every

24:01

time I did it I was like I can't wait too long

24:03

because someone's gonna yell it out so three

24:05

of the four times I

24:07

did it the way I'd always do it in

24:10

New York or on the road I would just say anybody

24:13

know anybody know and sometimes people make

24:15

a guess like that lady that said I

24:17

take out the ham and that really is

24:19

what the Gamaro does they just presents

24:21

you with ideas the Talmud it just

24:23

presents you should I tell you what the Talmud

24:26

is

24:28

it's an I

24:29

should tell you what the Talmud is

24:33

it's an oral tradition

24:35

the five books of Moses Deuteronomy

24:38

Genesis all those Leviticus that's

24:40

what we call that was written down

24:47

and then all the arguments was passed down orally

24:50

from generation to generation but when

24:52

the Romans came this is real history to

24:54

wipe us out there's no joke here

24:57

they said hey we're gonna lose this

24:59

information we better write it down

25:01

and they didn't do it like I am legend not

25:03

I am legend what's the Will Smith one where he's fucking

25:05

it turns out spoiler alert he's blind you

25:08

gotta wait more time before saying spoiler alert

25:10

he's blind the book of somebody

25:14

and he just knew the Bible by heart

25:16

I don't why did he have the book though I have

25:19

to give this book to the he

25:22

actually had a book he just had

25:24

no pages in it what a dumb thing to care you're

25:27

a blind guy getting into fights on the post-apocalyptic

25:30

road

25:31

and they're making you carry a big fucking heavy

25:34

bound leather bound with blank

25:37

book a notebook

25:40

plot hole anyway

25:44

I had rabbis once that and they knew

25:46

it by heart the rabbis in Israel yeshiva

25:48

bit me Josh the Torah they

25:51

knew it by heart you know how I know because

25:53

one time we had a whole class whole

25:56

class I don't know which

25:58

track tape which book we were

26:00

doing. Could have been Baba Kama. Could have been Kama

26:03

Sutra. Anyway,

26:06

I think we took a break went to the bathroom or was the end

26:08

of class and the rabbi had been leading the whole

26:10

thing and you know turning pages. You

26:13

may know where this is going.

26:15

And in the

26:17

class somebody was like, I think it

26:20

wasn't Rav Machlis. It

26:22

was one of them and he goes, let's

26:25

call him Rav Shmuelstein. And

26:27

somebody said, Rabbi

26:30

Shmuelbergstein, this isn't

26:32

the right

26:35

book. And he was like, oh yeah,

26:37

I picked it wrong. I went up the shelf. And

26:39

then we're all like, but you were leading the class.

26:43

You were reading it and leading the class. And he

26:45

goes, yeah, I mean, I know it. And we were like, you

26:47

knew when to turn the page. Because

26:50

yeah, I've read the whole Gomorrah like 700 times.

26:53

What? He knew the word that

26:55

the page ended on. I don't think you guys understand.

26:58

It's like an encyclopedia, bigger writing,

27:01

but it takes up a whole shelf

27:04

in your library. There's like 15 of

27:07

them. How many books of the Gomorrah are

27:09

there? Hey Siri,

27:11

how many books of the Gomorrah are there?

27:14

No way she gets Gomorrah. It,

27:18

right? Hey Siri, how many books

27:21

of the Talmud are there? Okay,

27:26

I found this on the web for how many books of the Talmud

27:28

are there? Check it out. 63, no.

27:30

No, that's not

27:33

true. The

27:38

Babylonian, your time limit,

27:40

around 15 minutes. Project

27:47

all. Do they do this with cookies now where they're all giving

27:50

everybody the options? And

27:52

it's like 63 tractates. I

27:54

read this thing. No way. Oh,

27:57

some of them are combined. One, two, three.

28:00

four, five, six, seven, eight,

28:02

nine, 10, 13, 14, let's

28:05

see,

28:08

six, seven, 10, 18, 19, 19, 19 books. Six,

28:12

let me see, Talmud Bavli, Talmud

28:15

Bavli, oh, it's the whole thing

28:17

of Talmud Bavli, here it is.

28:19

Ah, it's small. Schnatz,

28:22

that could be Shabbat. Well,

28:26

way to lose the crowd, all right? That was pointless, and

28:29

I apologize. Yeah,

28:33

anyway.

28:34

So, and then, okay, so anyway, most of

28:36

the time I just say, you're all wrong, and

28:39

I say, it depends on the ratio of

28:41

ham to soup. Oh, I did say that here too.

28:44

And that number, and I was like, and,

28:46

wait, that number, how would

28:48

I normally say it? And

28:51

that number, and I don't know why, is 1 60th.

28:56

And then that would get a laugh. But for one set,

28:58

I think the final set, I was like, hey,

29:01

it might have been set three. I was like, hey,

29:04

let me just see who knows this. And I was surprised

29:07

at how many people knew it. There were

29:09

some Jews that showed up. Maybe not all Orthodox,

29:11

although there were some Orthodox Jews, and there were a couple

29:13

of Hasidic Jews too. I think they just heard a

29:16

Jew was going. So they were like, let's check it out. But

29:18

they're all good sports.

29:20

Everyone's always like, but you can say one thing about

29:22

the Jews, and they all complain. They really don't, we just stay

29:25

quiet. Most of us don't want trouble.

29:31

Yeah, 1 60th. That is, that 1

29:34

60th rule, that is the Orthodox

29:36

Jewish version of yelling fire

29:38

in a crowded theater. That's our

29:40

version of that. Where, you know how everybody

29:42

knew that growing up? You can't yell fire in a crowded

29:44

theater because it puts people in the, we all knew that. You've

29:47

never seen anyone yell fire in a crowded theater. You've

29:49

never heard of anyone doing it.

29:52

There was one case, and we all

29:54

know it, because we all reference that when talking

29:56

about other things you can't put people in danger with.

29:59

It's like yelling. It's like yelling

30:01

fire in a crowded theater. That's every

30:04

fucking school kid knew it. And every

30:06

Jewish kid, religious,

30:09

conservative, and above. I know what

30:11

the fucker and reformer are doing. They're too busy listening to their fucking

30:13

chick rabbis. One

30:18

time we had a chick rabbi and she had a piece of toilet paper,

30:20

like six squares coming

30:23

off her shoe. She stepped in it and she

30:25

was dragging it. That was it. End

30:27

of respect. You could blame her on the woman

30:29

thing. It might've been related, but really

30:32

it was that toilet paper. And we were like, we ain't gonna listen

30:34

to a fucking word you say, lady.

30:36

Rabbi Jan. I'm

30:40

sorry, Rabbi Jan. We did not give you enough

30:42

respect. You were a rabbi. You

30:45

were a rabbi. We did not treat you like a rabbi.

30:49

I don't think anyone called you a rabbi, but

30:51

that was a missed opportunity. For a kid

30:53

that was rude back then, that was a missed opportunity.

30:56

I would apologize for that as well, but

30:59

I never said that.

31:00

Beethal

31:02

Beshishim. It's also known as Bathel Beshishim.

31:06

You don't have to know that. One

31:11

line I got from Jason Tebow

31:13

here. I had

31:16

some people come see me

31:18

do this in the comedy store. I did a set

31:20

at the comedy store in the main room.

31:22

Made money, but I invited a group of

31:24

people down, group of comics, and

31:26

I said, guys, I just want you to sit

31:28

there and tell me.

31:30

This was late in the first

31:32

run of it, not the second run. And I was like, tell

31:35

me anything

31:38

that either does not make sense

31:40

to you. Tell me anything

31:42

where you see it's like weak moments,

31:44

but not enough, too much

31:46

time without a laugh.

31:48

I wanna hear everything. Anything you think I didn't

31:50

get to that you wish I would've. It

31:54

was like a critique

31:56

of the special beforehand. And

31:58

I wanted to hear from comics I trust. was it?

32:00

T was there. Tom Segura was there. David

32:03

Taylor was there. Um

32:04

uh uh uh

32:07

Danish and O'Neill. I

32:09

think that's who I thanked at the end in a row.

32:12

And then as soon as it's over we sat in the fucking

32:14

green with the main room. My agent came and said hi. I was like

32:17

hi can't talk now. I'm doing something. And we just

32:19

went over notes.

32:20

I was like I do not worry about hurting

32:22

my feelings. I gotta know anything weak

32:25

in here. And it was helpful.

32:28

Um Segura

32:30

had a good angle not a good line on

32:33

um one of the things

32:35

I took out um of

32:38

childhood was

32:40

you

32:41

always knew when your parents were lying to you. That was

32:43

the two things.

32:45

Now that I'm older you always uh now that I'm

32:47

older I look back I realize

32:50

that my parents always knew when I was lying to them.

32:52

And I was like I think about brushing my teeth. It was

32:55

like I sure did. My toothbrushes dry.

32:57

Um oh

33:00

but I didn't act out. It was like to brush your teeth.

33:02

It's like I sure did. Like

33:04

we thought our parents couldn't tell.

33:07

Toothbrush is like weird because I brushed

33:09

them so I don't know what to tell you. And that

33:12

and then the um going back in time to fuck

33:14

uh fuck uh I

33:16

think I think Tebow was like I think Segura

33:19

was like do something more specific

33:21

with

33:22

why the woman with the sign

33:24

she wanted to give you. Like real

33:27

overboard with it. Um

33:30

anyway I think those guys in the credits. Alright

33:35

let's get uh let's get back to it right. That's

33:38

what makes us such great tax attorneys. We

33:42

find loopholes and we exploit them. We really do.

33:44

Uh like you know how the women wear

33:46

the wigs?

33:47

Loophole. You ever see the women's wear

33:49

the wigs? The women. It's because it's because okay

33:51

you can't covet your neighbor's wife. And

33:53

and uh they say one of the things you covet is their hair.

33:56

Hair is an attractive quality in a woman. So you have to cover

33:58

your hair if you're a married woman.

33:59

who were just as smart as Jewish men,

34:02

they went looking for loopholes. So they went

34:04

to their rabbis. They're like, And

34:07

he's like, Yeah, whatever, do anything.

34:10

And they're like, Can we cover up our hair with

34:12

someone else's hair? And

34:16

the rabbi's like, Where are you going with this? And

34:20

they're like, Well, we propose we cover up our hair with some hair

34:22

we bought in China. So

34:25

it's not us they're attracted to. It's

34:27

Song Lee from Shanghai.

34:31

And the rabbis were like, Well played. And

34:35

we're back. So

34:37

yeah, that one was, I remember

34:40

at the stand, the old stand, I have

34:42

a piece of the wall I got to put up. It's

34:44

at Sal's house.

34:46

Forgot about that. Maybe

34:49

I'll wait till I get a studio and I'll put it up in

34:51

there. The old stand is my first

34:53

home club in New York City. No, my first home

34:55

club was New York Comedy Club.

34:56

But when I moved, my first home club was

35:00

the stand. They had just opened. They took me

35:02

in with open arms.

35:04

I became really the only

35:06

guy in New York that was part of the podcast scene. And

35:09

so they got a lot more business. Anybody you wanted to see for

35:11

the podcast scene, I was the only one. If you're

35:13

in New York, I'm the only one there. And now,

35:15

you know, New York has a thriving and

35:17

some would say better podcast

35:19

scene. And I would be one of those people

35:22

who say that.

35:22

It's too corporate

35:25

in LA. Those guys are too corporate

35:27

now.

35:28

New York's becoming that.

35:34

Oh, so the old stand, I remember a acidic

35:36

Jew and a woman coming in and sitting to my right. It was like

35:38

a wide, very wide room, not like kind

35:40

of a mothership that is perfectly shaped.

35:46

And I kept my eye on her the whole time.

35:49

And I was making this joke about the wigs. It

35:52

came out of a Q&A, actually.

35:55

It came out of a Q&A. Um...

36:00

I call them Jewinés after Don Barris. Used

36:03

to run those with me late night at the comedy store.

36:06

We call them Jewinés. They asked me just the most horrible

36:08

questions about Judaism. And

36:10

so when I started doing this, did I tell you this? When

36:12

I started doing this, it started with like 20

36:14

to 30 minutes at the fat black. And then

36:16

after that, I would just take questions. And people would ask me these things.

36:19

Like, why did they carry those pillows? And that

36:21

one, I didn't know what they were talking about. But like,

36:23

what's kosher? Stuff

36:25

that I didn't really know

36:28

to tell. I knew the answer, but I didn't

36:30

know what to tell. And people would ask me these questions. I started

36:32

with Noah in the flood. And I started with like a

36:35

couple other bits. And then Hanukkah.

36:38

And then I would do that over

36:40

and over again at the fat black. And then a holiday

36:45

would come up. And somebody was like, what's this holiday? What's Purim?

36:47

What's Passover? And I'd go into it. I'd try to joke

36:49

around when I was doing it.

36:52

Oh, I had a

36:54

whole thing on Passover. How

36:56

it was over. My one thing that didn't make sense

36:58

in Passover. My one thing that didn't

37:00

make sense was that there were 10 plagues.

37:03

But remember the part where God hardened Pharaoh's

37:05

heart.

37:06

So there was a couple times where,

37:09

I think twice, maybe just once. Where

37:11

after, let's say after plague four, five,

37:14

six, seven, whatever it was. Pharaoh

37:16

said, go, you guys can go. And

37:19

then it says, God hardened

37:21

Pharaoh's heart. And he goes, stop,

37:24

reconsidered, come on back. That's why they had

37:26

to leave in a hurry at the end. That's why we didn't have time to let

37:28

our bread rise.

37:30

So just grab the bread and go. Oh, I had another

37:32

good line about that. I was like, how cheap are you that you're

37:34

like, but the bread answer, hey, you're for 400

37:37

years of slavery. You got to leave now a little

37:39

early. But the bread, and

37:42

God must have been like, what? The bread.

37:46

God's like, what do we need with the bread? We just put the

37:48

bread in the oven. So

37:50

it's not ready yet. Moses

37:53

must be like, we're free. We gotta get the

37:55

fuck out of here. And

37:58

that is nice. I don't want to look at gift horses.

37:59

in the mouth, but also the bread.

38:05

It could be so delicious. And then he

38:07

had to be like, alright, fucking compromise. Just get

38:09

the bread. It's not risen yet, but

38:11

just get it

38:13

and bring it with you. Okay, well at least the

38:15

calories will be the same. At least we'll

38:17

get the units of energy out of it that we needed. We

38:20

have a long journey. That

38:23

was the best Jew impression I've ever done

38:25

in my life.

38:31

Wait,

38:33

Passover. Oh, so

38:37

where was I? I was talking

38:39

about why I said Passover. Oh, here's the other thing I didn't

38:41

understand in Passover. Why? So

38:45

God hardened Pharaoh's heart. It

38:50

was, they were gone. Let's say it was

38:53

after plague seven. I think it was earlier. Let's say it was

38:55

after plague seven.

38:58

Hey Siri, when did God harden Pharaoh's

39:00

heart? Verse

39:06

five. Oh,

39:10

okay. Yeah, I remember this. After

39:13

the fifth one,

39:14

Pharaoh hardened his own heart. English.

39:17

Yeah. Oh, Romagna, Slobensky. Pharaoh

39:23

the capital P. Yeah. Evil

39:26

sent up. So now, oh, come on. Hardening of hearts. Pharaoh's

39:29

heart became hard. First

39:33

thing, okay. Became hard. Get your

39:35

Bible nerd hat on because there's a translation here issue that

39:37

unfortunately complicates things. This

39:40

is the real breakdowns of the Gemara shit like

39:42

this, dude. Wow.

39:45

Because if it says God

39:47

hardened his heart, it's different than his heart became

39:50

hard. It is. It

39:52

is. These word choices

39:56

are big. Pronounced Chazak is not

39:58

passive, nor does it indicate. who is initiating

40:01

the action. It's called a

40:03

stative verb, meaning it doesn't say

40:05

whether it's Pharaoh or God. If you're reading in

40:07

the

40:08

NIV, it's ambiguous,

40:10

which seems to be the point. However, some other

40:12

modern translations have regrettably inserted their

40:15

own interpretation to the text and

40:17

rendered the term was hardened.

40:21

Be can't, oh interesting. I'll tell you who's

40:23

becoming hard, listening to

40:25

all this. All the ladies

40:27

out there. They

40:30

turn their pets, so you walk away from chapter

40:32

seven thinking God was hard in Pharaoh's heart.

40:35

Okay. Blood,

40:37

Pharaoh's heart became

40:39

hard. Frogs, Pharaoh hardened

40:42

his own heart. Nats,

40:44

Pharaoh's heart was hard. Flies, Pharaoh's

40:46

hardened his heart. Livestock,

40:49

wait, did he?

40:51

Harden his own heart. God announced that he

40:53

has hardened Pharaoh's heart.

40:57

Okay. Okay. So

41:00

Pharaoh's like nah, nah, and then he's like, nah, I switched my

41:02

mind. But on number eight, so everyone,

41:04

God, I didn't remember this this way. On

41:07

everyone, Pharaoh

41:08

said, okay, we're done, which is good

41:11

negotiating. That's what Hitler did. He goes,

41:13

tell you what, we'll make a pact. You help us get

41:15

through here, we won't invade you. And then as

41:17

soon as they got through there and got like the Ukraine, he

41:19

was like, all right, now we'll get, you

41:21

know, we'll get fucking Romania also. We'll

41:23

get the Czech Republic. You know, he just got all

41:25

of it. He goes, yeah, I lied. But

41:30

after locusts, God announced that

41:32

he has hardened Pharaoh's heart. So

41:34

God did it. And so my question

41:36

was this, that

41:40

means the next two,

41:41

ignore the limit for today, the

41:46

next two, which were the darkness

41:50

and the death of the firstborn. This is a big

41:52

one. Thank

41:59

you.

42:03

Oh, did that lead to it? Either one.

42:05

It was over. If

42:08

God just let it go, it was over. They

42:10

didn't have to have

42:13

the firstborn dead. Pharaoh

42:16

wasn't going to change his mind that time. Right?

42:19

Do you understand what I'm saying? Pharaoh

42:22

was like, we're done. We're good. And then

42:24

like, you change your mind. He goes, actually, no, not this time. I'm not going

42:26

to change my mind. You guys are actually quite

42:28

a lot of trouble.

42:29

And like I said earlier, not

42:32

really great employees to begin with. So

42:35

I don't need to prove a point. You please just

42:37

go. It's like when they throw some out of a club, like, well,

42:39

I'm not paying my bill. Like, you don't have to just go leave.

42:41

Leave. We don't want you here. Leave.

42:44

And the wall. I shouldn't

42:47

build like, just go. Yeah.

42:50

So it was over. But then God was like,

42:53

I said, I said it was like this. How

42:55

do I say this without dropping the F bomb?

42:57

Because the joke has an F bomb in it, but

43:00

I don't feel like saying it now. I've led up to it too much. Let's

43:07

replace the F bomb with film

43:10

nerd, film nerd. So it's

43:12

like, but you know what I'm talking about. So

43:15

it's like, I imagine two guys fighting and

43:17

they break it up. So break it up, break it up. And

43:19

then they start to walk away, just seething,

43:21

but start to walk. It's like, all right, calm down. And

43:23

then you go over to one, like he called you a film nerd

43:26

and you're like, what? That's

43:28

what God did. It never made sense to me anyway.

43:32

So we did these Q and A's I'm

43:35

getting full circle. You could tell I haven't smoked weed

43:37

in a while. I did smoke some today, Romanian

43:39

weed. Um, thank

43:42

you. That guy Matt who gave it to me, dude, come in handy

43:44

walking around the city.

43:48

Um, whoever gave me the lottery ticket, quote

43:50

unquote, that's what you said. I assumed there was acid

43:52

in there and there was not either it fell out or

43:55

you really just gave me a Romanian lottery ticket.

43:57

I don't know how to cash that in. Um,

44:04

the Q and A's. So we do these

44:06

Q and A's, uh, at the comedy

44:09

store way back was just jokey, but this was really like, what do you

44:11

want to know? And I'd make jokes. And I remember somebody

44:13

asking what about those wigs?

44:16

And so I explained it. I try to explain

44:18

it and make a joke about it.

44:20

And I think I came up with it all

44:22

like nearly like this.

44:25

It's just like, it's better looking hair, by the way.

44:27

You're getting better looking hair. But

44:30

it's a loophole that the setter. So anyway,

44:32

I was doing that joke. I had it now as in

44:34

my act from the Q and A, do my, I saw

44:36

this Hasidic Jewish lady with a wig and

44:39

I'm seeing her out of the corner of my eyes and

44:41

I'm doing it further than fucking

44:43

one minute long,

44:45

uh, bed. I just did here. This is a long

44:47

interlude and I'm seeing her at the corner of my eyes. So

44:49

I'm telling this joke. I'm like, this is the only

44:52

woman that not only in the crowd tonight, but

44:55

maybe that I'll ever get that I can get a real

44:57

read on.

44:59

And it's like, will she be offended by

45:01

this?

45:03

Will she be like, I don't want to hurt

45:05

anybody's feelings, especially if I'm talking about specifically

45:07

their group, you know, did it once I

45:09

was talking about fat chicks, it was

45:11

just so like hurtful. And I remember looking

45:13

at it as I started the bit, it's awesome. Like

45:16

obese, like Burt Kreischer level, like

45:18

woman in the front. And I was like, Oh, this is going to make

45:20

her feel bad. And that didn't, I didn't want to do that. Like

45:23

I knew going in.

45:24

Um, so I'm looking

45:27

at her or how she can react. And dude, she

45:29

was dying, laughing. I

45:31

love meat.

45:33

No, that's odd. I'd made,

45:35

I'd met her till

45:37

she died. She was laughing

45:39

so hard. And what I got was that

45:42

she kind of felt like finally someone's speaking

45:44

to my experience,

45:45

to my situation. It is

45:47

funny. It is a dumb loophole. We do have to wear

45:50

this thing. I'm not going to not wear it,

45:52

but it's funny. All

45:55

right. Yeah, that was a long one.

45:58

What's the next bit? Two

46:00

tracks. Loopholes.

46:06

Shabbos Goy. Okay,

46:09

this is a good one. And this, I'm

46:11

selling Shabbos Goy t-shirts on my

46:13

website. If you are an ally,

46:16

you should get one. Maybe

46:18

I'll have those on tour with me. I

46:21

did not tell you guys about my tour.

46:23

The following shows are,

46:25

oh no, no, no. I'll do it at the beginning of the next

46:27

thing. Well, you're about to get a fucking dates

46:30

read. You can't use electricity

46:32

in the Sabbath. That's when you know all to do. If the light's on,

46:34

it's on. If it's off, it's off. From Friday night sundown

46:37

to Saturday sundown. All shop

46:39

is long. You can't use electricity. However, you

46:41

can get a Goy to use

46:43

it for you.

46:47

You can't ask outright, because that's cheating,

46:50

but you can hint strongly at

46:52

it. So maybe you

46:56

have an Orthodox Jewish family in

46:58

your building or your neighborhood, and maybe they talk

47:00

to you for the first time ever. And

47:03

they're like, this is odd. You're like, hey neighbor, how

47:05

you doing? I've lived next door for the last 25 years. I

47:07

haven't said how do you ever. Well,

47:09

it turns out it's very hot out and we left our air conditioning

47:12

off. And you'd be like, okay, you should turn

47:14

it on. Like, oh, I'm glad you brought that up. I

47:16

cannot turn it on because

47:19

my God forbids it. However,

47:23

if a Goy were

47:26

to do it for me, by

47:30

then I could be a nice cool breeziness.

47:34

That happens on the Shabbos. What you should do is, you should

47:36

go over there and turn it on for them. Be nice about it. And

47:39

then you'll be known as a Shabbos Goy. And

47:42

that is the highest level of Goy. Yeah,

47:46

in fact, actually, if you have next door neighbors,

47:53

you

47:55

are with there's juice, just go over there. Like, how's your light situation

47:58

today?

47:59

Saturday back. Can I help with anything? Anything bothering

48:02

you? They'll love you,

48:04

dude. They'll give you tons of challah.

48:09

And we're back. Shabbos

48:12

Goy. That was a good one. I

48:17

had an alter it for this. I had

48:19

an altered possibility. A few different

48:21

ones. I had the elevator

48:25

as my scenario. One

48:29

thing you should know is that the

48:32

wrong side of history tour is coming to your

48:34

town. You can get tickets right now on my website.

48:37

Ben starts kicks off. Well, it kicks off in Austin,

48:39

Texas, but you already missed that. That's sold out in

48:42

June. It kicks off in Ben Salem,

48:44

Pennsylvania, right near Philadelphia

48:46

at the Parks Casino on October

48:48

21st. Then it moves on to Omaha. Omaha

48:51

funny bone November 1st.

48:54

Minneapolis November

48:56

2nd at the Pantages. Madison

48:58

November 3rd at the Barrymore Theatre.

49:01

Chicago November 4th at the Vic. Those

49:03

tickets are nearly sold out. So hurry up

49:06

if you want to go.

49:09

Iowa City. November

49:11

5th at the Englert Theatre. And

49:13

then what do we got? November 6th. Springfield,

49:16

Missouri. First time playing there at

49:18

the Blue Room. November

49:22

7th and 8th. Tulsa, Oklahoma.

49:26

Oklahoma City, do not come. I swear I'm gonna come

49:28

to your town. I said

49:30

earlier this would be a... I don't... it just didn't

49:32

work out to do this, but I will be doing it on a

49:34

Texas run. But Tulsa,

49:36

Oklahoma, November 7th and 8th. One show

49:39

each night. November

49:42

9th, Kansas City. The Uptown

49:44

Theatre. November 10th. Louisville,

49:46

Kentucky at the Bomard. That one

49:48

may or may not be on sale. I'm not sure. Hopefully

49:51

it is. November... wait.

49:54

Indianapolis November 11th at the closed

49:56

Memorial Hall. St.

49:58

Louis, Missouri. November 12th at the

49:59

the pageant, Fort

50:02

Wayne, Indiana November 13th and 14th

50:04

and then I don't know we got to announce a

50:07

whole big thing but

50:08

in February you got Boston

50:11

February 2nd at the Wilbur Theatre second

50:13

shows already been added first show is nearly

50:16

sold out if it's not sold out and in February 3rd

50:19

Foxwoods Casino and Foxwoods

50:21

Connecticut

50:23

get tickets

50:25

for all shows the wrong side of history it's

50:27

my brand new hour it's none of the shit you're hearing here

50:29

and it is fucking killing and it's really starting to

50:31

come together as a fucking cohesive thing

50:34

so

50:36

let's talk about Shabbos Cois actually

50:40

go get tickets right now put this on pause and go get a

50:42

ticket go ahead two or four tickets and

50:45

then find people to go with you

50:48

also there's this dynamic pricing thing if

50:50

you ever see a ticket over a hundred bucks

50:53

that's them trying to stop a scalper do not buy

50:55

one of those tickets that's an inflated ticket price

50:58

go get one of the other seats

51:01

that's that's to stop scalpers or something I

51:04

don't I don't fully get it but I don't it's

51:07

crazy that just gets that high it's

51:09

not supposed to so

51:11

hold off or check back later

51:13

it's definitely won't be like that during the like this

51:16

week probably

51:17

for the new ones but just

51:20

get another seat you know I

51:22

mean it's nuts okay

51:26

so here's the other I

51:28

had what if that so a

51:31

Jew in your building

51:34

wants to take the elevator like you get out of the elevator

51:36

I realize not everybody could relate to this but cuz

51:38

not everybody lives in buildings like New Yorkers you

51:41

get out of the elevator and of

51:43

Jew families waiting at the bottom

51:46

and they go oh you get out

51:48

of the elevator and they're like yep and they're

51:52

like sure would love to

51:54

take the elevator myself and you go why don't you like

51:57

cuz I have to the button and I'm out of hit the button because

52:00

my god forbids it. However, same

52:02

thing, if someone else were to

52:04

hit the button for me, why

52:07

then I could ride up? You

52:10

know, something like that. We're about to take the walk, six

52:12

flights up the stairs. They actually have Shabbos elevators

52:15

now that automatically open and close,

52:17

go up a floor, open, close, go

52:19

up a floor, open, close. So you're

52:21

not

52:22

opening or closing it. You just have to get on and wait.

52:25

The non-Jews in those buildings fucking

52:28

hate it because you want

52:30

to go to your eighth floor building apartment.

52:33

You got to let it go up. It's like a fucking kid

52:35

hit it every time and every Saturday. Of course it has that

52:37

sentiment to them. It's taking you forever. You

52:39

got a piss. These fucking Jews rigged

52:41

the Vader.

52:42

Yeah, I could see how they'd be like, let's

52:44

talk to Kanye about this. He's

52:47

now, that's going to be on his tombstone for a while.

52:49

That's crazy. I think he was just manic. Oh

52:54

yeah. And so my example

52:57

though was somebody's like, why don't you just hit it? And you're like, because my

52:59

God forbids it. And I told people like,

53:01

if that happens to you, you should tell them your

53:03

God fucking sucks, dude, and walk away.

53:07

And then I go, but if you want to help and

53:09

change it, you shouldn't walk away. That

53:11

was me dealing with my anger. You should help them. It's

53:14

really not that hard and they are in need

53:16

and they could probably help you with your taxes. You

53:20

know, if you have a question about taxes and how to hide

53:22

or how to hide gold and how to not report something

53:24

to the government, they're your guys.

53:28

Anyway,

53:33

get those Shabbos Goi T-shirts right now. My merch,

53:35

I have Shabbos Goi T-shirts. I

53:38

have psychedelic playing cards with me

53:40

as the king of mushrooms. There's

53:45

acids, mushrooms, DMTs,

53:48

and weeds. And every

53:50

Jack Queen King is holding

53:54

the thing, taking

53:56

the thing, you know, and then

54:00

feeling the thing. Jack

54:03

the Queen, the King. Mushrooms,

54:06

weeds, whatever. Available

54:08

to us right now. Plus the cat shirts, and I'm getting

54:10

the old cat shirts back. And

54:13

I think I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to try to have some special

54:16

fucking merch for, especially

54:18

for the theaters.

54:19

Either for the wrong side of history,

54:21

and maybe if I can get my shit together, for

54:23

each venue. For each

54:26

fucking theater gig anyway.

54:30

Like what could be the wrong side of history, for like

54:32

at a specific place. Me like throwing

54:35

away cigarettes and starting the great Chicago fire.

54:38

You

54:43

know, me helping fucking whoever

54:45

that gangster was, but cheating on

54:47

his taxes, that's how I ended up getting him.

54:51

Shit like that. Anyway, let's

54:53

start the next one. What is the next one? That was

54:55

Shabbos Goy. Now

54:58

it's Beethoven Shishim. Waste

55:00

of the 60th. Me and all my friends were like, that's a loophole

55:02

we were looking for. What if one of

55:04

these Goys comes to my mom's kitchen? You

55:07

know, maybe the Amazon delivery guy. And

55:09

he's like, hi, Mr. Jaffir, I need you to sign right there. You can try

55:11

on the line if you don't mind. Yeah, just sign.

55:14

Just right there on the line if you don't mind. Hey,

55:16

what are you cooking back there? Oh,

55:19

is it some soup, you fucking bitch? You

55:23

know, makes a break for it. Reaching to his

55:25

pocket for his pocket ham. Honestly,

55:28

we thought you guys had ham on you at all times.

55:31

We didn't know any Goys. We didn't want to know any

55:33

Goys. We just thought you guys were like, just in case some juice soup

55:36

appears, I'm gonna be ready. Fucking

55:40

dunks it in the ham, fuck off, Jews, you know?

55:42

And then, takes off. Me and all

55:44

my friends, same exact daydream.

55:46

None of us were like, I'm gonna go fight that guy. Why?

55:48

You'll lose. There's no reason. No,

55:51

we all the same daydream. We're going for that measuring cup.

55:55

And if it's less than 160th, we're eating ham soup

55:57

tonight!

55:59

Okay,

56:02

yeah, yeah, yeah. So we really did talk about that.

56:04

That really wasn't daydream. We all had, in Yeshiva

56:07

anyway, we were like, what, oh, that would be so

56:09

sweet.

56:11

We were like, what if it happened against our wealth? Now

56:13

there is a story of a rabbi who, someone

56:16

did drop less than 1 60th into a

56:18

soup and he didn't know. And

56:21

he was so pious that he just started vomiting.

56:23

That's a real story. He just started barfing

56:26

and just throwing, fucking throwing up

56:28

and chucking. What's wrong with me? Like

56:30

he was exercising a fucking demon. Like he was cursed

56:32

by a witch. What

56:35

is this? What'd you put in the soup? Just

56:38

fucking. And

56:41

then his son had to go, I did,

56:43

I did not tell you. I did, that's

56:46

not as good as the last one. I did drop

56:48

a bit of ham in the soup.

56:52

Doesn't have to be ham. It could be a

56:54

non-shakted meat, not

56:57

killed the right way. Just not kosher in

56:59

general. But now I'm thinking, what do they even do

57:01

with not kosher meat? Why would you even

57:03

have that in your home? Why would you have

57:05

it around? Some

57:08

questions. Maybe they live different

57:10

than us.

57:16

Anyway, so he started chucking. So it was like, sure, 1

57:18

60th is the line. But this guy was so religious

57:21

that for him, even a drop

57:23

is too much.

57:25

Get over yourself, dude. Way to write yourself

57:27

into the fucking history book. Get

57:29

the fuck over yourself. I gotta change this towel.

57:33

I think I'm okay. The

57:40

Sephardim, the Sephardis have a

57:42

different interpretation of this than the Ashkenazis.

57:49

The actual full rule is if

57:51

it is below a recognizable

57:53

amount,

57:55

then you just assume, you just leave

57:58

it in there. So if you pull out the hammer,

57:59

itself, you're like, no,

58:02

no, you got to chuck that.

58:03

They mean if it's like little like little bits

58:05

like chunked up like and it's the same size as

58:07

all the like the beef in there. They're

58:09

like, I'm not gonna be able to tell the difference which one's

58:11

which and they're like, just leave it in. Why not

58:14

just drain all the

58:17

meat at least like, nah, leave

58:19

it in. So it has all

58:21

its ham and it's in that sense. But if you can

58:24

see it like as it's sinking, fucking scoop it out,

58:26

you got to scoop it out.

58:28

It's if you can't tell but

58:30

how could you tell you drop a fucking piece of unless

58:32

it's a whole ham hawk, then you pull it out. But

58:35

then that wouldn't be less than 160th. So, if it's even less

58:38

than that. Okay,

58:41

let's go. What's the next fucking bid? Ham

58:45

soup, shabes goi, bitso

58:47

bajizim. Jews are pretty normal.

58:50

This is an important bit. This is an important

58:52

bit. This is trying to relate it to all

58:55

of you and yeah, what did you guys dream

58:57

about when you were 19? Same shit or like different

58:59

shit? By

59:03

the way, okay, so you guys, I know I'm painting

59:05

this picture of Orthodox Jews being like

59:08

very insular and like different. But like, we're

59:10

not,

59:11

we're not that different than you. It's like

59:13

just like one step down. You know, we

59:15

did normal shit. We listened to top 40 music. We

59:18

could watch movies rated R movies even no noodle.

59:21

But violence was fine. As long as it was boys dying,

59:23

it was cool. I

59:27

played basketballs on a basketball team. My league was three

59:29

Jewish schools, a deaf school and

59:31

a Sidwell friends. Yeah,

59:34

but you had to play with your yamacon. The girls had to play with skirts

59:37

with sweatpants underneath. Yeah,

59:39

but I played with a yamacon and what I would do is I clip my hair,

59:41

my clip on a yamacon, just one clip. So

59:43

we're like move around a little. I'm six foot three. I was the tallest

59:45

Jew in like nine years of my school. So

59:48

I was a center. So there's no Jews aren't known for their

59:50

vertical. So what the fuck am I gonna do? So

59:52

I get the ball in the post, right? And I go like this and

59:54

the yamaka would like move

59:57

and it would put like defenders in a trance and they

59:59

would follow the

59:59

Drop step to the

1:00:02

left, the easy doof. Yeah, you gotta use what

1:00:04

you got. You gotta use what you got.

1:00:07

Yeah,

1:00:09

we're like you, just like one step off, you know? Like, okay,

1:00:11

like Christians, you're not allowed to have premarital sex, but

1:00:13

you do it. You're just

1:00:15

not allowed. And Jews, we're not allowed to touch

1:00:17

women before marriage. But, you know,

1:00:19

we still did. It was like, bad kids. We'd

1:00:22

meet girls in the woods behind school, and we'd, like,

1:00:24

hold hands. But as we

1:00:27

were doing it, we're like, what a fucking slut. Oh

1:00:31

my God. Who

1:00:36

would marry her now?

1:00:41

It's you, but one step off, that's all. Okay,

1:00:46

first in this, I had another example. I

1:00:52

think I had an example of me touching

1:00:54

the back. I

1:00:57

remember, I exaggerated coming in my pants,

1:01:00

but

1:01:01

that's the direction I always go.

1:01:04

I

1:01:06

had a question from the audience at Bucharest. They

1:01:08

go, she goes, does any stand-up set not include,

1:01:11

like, talking about masturbation? And I

1:01:14

was like, have you heard other ones? She goes, yeah, every one I've heard. I'm

1:01:17

like, well then, that's your answer. I guess, no. They

1:01:21

all do include it.

1:01:24

I was, so I was showman to gear for a while. I think this goes

1:01:26

in here. And, which means you

1:01:28

can't touch

1:01:31

women from the opposite sex. The only woman you can

1:01:33

touch is your, who

1:01:37

went over this, right? Your mom, your

1:01:39

daughter, your sister, and your

1:01:41

wife. And vice versa

1:01:43

for, I remember another one.

1:01:46

And vice versa for

1:01:48

women. Women.

1:01:51

Your father, your son,

1:01:52

your husband, your brother.

1:01:55

And in fact, me

1:01:58

and my sister were fighting once. in

1:02:01

the hallway, Hebrew Academy of Greater

1:02:03

Washington. And

1:02:07

we had a new rabbi,

1:02:10

he had no brother or sister, so he just saw two

1:02:12

people fighting.

1:02:15

And I had this whole thing about it was the first, she always beat

1:02:17

me up because she was older than me, you know, so she was taller,

1:02:19

and she thought she'd be taller forever. She didn't know about male

1:02:21

growth spurts, so I just started growing and

1:02:23

I was even with her. So for the first time, she

1:02:25

was trying to bully me, and for the first time, I was holding my

1:02:27

own.

1:02:28

And she saw it and it fucking worried

1:02:30

her. She's like, oh shit. So she gave me

1:02:32

an ultimatum, she goes, you quit now. Quit now

1:02:35

or I'm gonna make this real bad for you. I'm gonna

1:02:37

beat your ass for a while.

1:02:39

And then I made a decision right there, I was like,

1:02:42

I'll die today, bitch. Because

1:02:45

it was like my one chance. I don't care about

1:02:47

the punishment. Let's go. The

1:02:51

rabbi walked in

1:02:53

and he goes, hey, hey, hey, Nagia, boys

1:02:55

and girls. And we

1:02:57

looked and we're like, oh no, we're new. We're

1:02:59

brother and sister. And he goes, oh okay.

1:03:02

And so then we go back to fighting, and

1:03:04

while she was distracted, I fucking swept her, and I

1:03:06

just rained down blows on her. I

1:03:10

was like, it was a big turning point in my development. Heh

1:03:12

heh heh heh. Anyway,

1:03:17

but if you're showing a gia, that means you don't touch

1:03:19

women from the opposite sex, which means

1:03:21

you get fucking horned up. You

1:03:24

actually don't get horned up. You get

1:03:27

less horny, because you don't do anything. I had a friend who was, he

1:03:30

re-virginated himself. Didn't have sex for 10 years.

1:03:33

Barely even masturbated. It's

1:03:36

like, I guess, I don't know, I don't know. I

1:03:38

can't guess. But

1:03:41

anyway, when I was in a she-vite, definitely wasn't touching

1:03:43

anyone from the opposite sex. And

1:03:46

there was a, I went on like a date of

1:03:48

non-touching, like we just went out. I

1:03:50

didn't know if we were like friends, I wanted to be more friends.

1:03:53

I had this crush on this chick.

1:03:57

My high school, she was in Yeshiva when I was there.

1:04:00

And she

1:04:03

went to, we left, we just went out of coffee or something,

1:04:05

and we left, she got into a cab, and then

1:04:07

she started going to the cab and she fell, and then instinctively,

1:04:10

this is the bit, but

1:04:13

this was true, instinctively, I just went to, like,

1:04:15

catch her, so my hand went on

1:04:17

her back, and I remember these

1:04:19

jokes, I was like, not her me too back, but like,

1:04:22

higher up, her legal back. And

1:04:27

as I touched her back, I came in my pants. That's

1:04:31

the joke, the reality is, I did get

1:04:33

a boner from touching a girl's back,

1:04:36

because I hadn't touched any woman for over a

1:04:38

year, like a year and a half, so just touching

1:04:40

this woman's back, through a sweater,

1:04:42

I was like, whoa, it

1:04:44

was like electric. We

1:04:49

also did play Yeshiva Basketball League,

1:04:52

so the

1:04:56

Yamaka, the shift in Yamakas, dude, there's so

1:04:58

much, so we had to clip

1:05:00

our Yamakas onto our hair, we had these hair clips, this

1:05:03

is a bit that I left, lost years

1:05:05

before,

1:05:06

but I had it. We had to clip Yamakas on,

1:05:08

that's how it stays on, people ask how it stays

1:05:10

on, it's like these little hair clips, one on the

1:05:13

right, one on the left, and then if we really

1:05:15

wanna keep it on one on the third, I go, I was a bad

1:05:17

kid, so I only had one in the middle. Did I say that?

1:05:19

I might've said that in here. But what would happen is,

1:05:22

sometimes your Yamaka would fall off during the games,

1:05:25

because you're running up and on the court. No, they don't want you to stop

1:05:27

right then, but any stoppage of play,

1:05:29

we'd have water boys come out, and we'd also have Yamaka

1:05:31

boys, pick up your Yamaka and fucking

1:05:33

hand it to you, but as it fell off, if you run up the

1:05:35

court and you see it, you grab it and you fucking frisbee

1:05:38

it

1:05:38

to your sideline, and the Yamaka

1:05:40

boys would hold it for you, waiting. But

1:05:44

I was in Jerusalem League, man,

1:05:46

I was good, I was good on defense, I'd block a lot of shots,

1:05:49

I blocked so many shots, I actually made a game of

1:05:51

it, I started writing burnout notes.

1:05:54

At the time, I was taking that in the back

1:05:56

of Sport Magazine, they had one of those things

1:05:58

that go jump 13 inches. higher in just 10 short

1:06:01

weeks and it wasn't the waffle shoes. The

1:06:03

waffle shoes that you would stand like this up so

1:06:06

it would increase your calf muscles, it wasn't that.

1:06:08

That cost money. This is a fucking $10

1:06:10

program, a training program. You run,

1:06:13

it

1:06:13

was so you do like jumps

1:06:16

with like and then like move your feet like

1:06:18

knees up in the air as you jump to think all

1:06:20

the way down. It was brutal but I did it every

1:06:22

day and I could dunk by the end of it and I was

1:06:24

fast. Point guards were on a fast break. I caught

1:06:27

up to them. I was good and so I could jump

1:06:29

high too and I was longer than most Jews and

1:06:31

I blocked shots. I'd always blocked shots. I had a good timing for

1:06:33

that. So I started blocking shots and then I pull

1:06:35

out of my soccer burnout note.

1:06:37

Like one was just a picture of a hand. Another

1:06:39

one said your teammates

1:06:42

are starting to get mad at you.

1:06:43

Another one was like I'm not gonna talk

1:06:45

shit until the ball lands. It

1:06:49

was just that and after a blocked shot I would like go

1:06:51

over to them and they'd be like what is this? We were

1:06:53

very creative. Jews are very creative.

1:06:56

We all thought it was fun but

1:06:58

Chaim Zach and I taught me to drop

1:07:01

step to my right. I catch the ball in

1:07:03

the post. He'd be like alright he was great. He was a

1:07:05

great basketball player for our league. He like

1:07:07

I'll throw it to your low side.

1:07:09

You take that drop step in, catch

1:07:12

it and just keep spinning. Because before

1:07:14

I was doing I was like let's say the

1:07:16

baskets there

1:07:18

over my right shoulder. I get it you

1:07:20

know and then pull it in and then start making

1:07:22

a move. He goes just have the move being made

1:07:25

beforehand but he goes

1:07:27

fake left. Yarmulke

1:07:29

shifted, move right. Yarmulke

1:07:32

shifts over to the left and drops up. Easy

1:07:34

deuce. Let's go. What's next?

1:07:37

What is next? Just

1:07:39

a pretty normal sin chicken.

1:07:42

Let me tell you about Yom Kippur.

1:07:44

It's our biggest holiday. It's our most somber day in

1:07:46

the Jewish calendar. It's a day of atonement.

1:07:49

Part of the Sarey of Echubah, the 10 days of repentance

1:07:51

from Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur. And

1:07:54

yet to pray for forgiveness the whole day on Yom Kippur.

1:07:57

It's a fast from sundown to the next day

1:07:59

sundown. God's judging you for your sins. He's

1:08:01

deciding on your fate. This is one

1:08:03

of my earliest memories. This is me as probably

1:08:05

a six-year-old, maybe, first grade.

1:08:09

Guys, it's gonna get weird right here, just

1:08:11

so you know. First grade, my

1:08:14

dad, before he opened the door, he was like, hey, come with me to the front

1:08:16

lawn. We're gonna say his prayer, called kappa

1:08:18

rote. And he brought with him to say his

1:08:20

prayer, a chicken, a live

1:08:22

chicken. And I was like, I'm gonna name

1:08:25

it Big Nate. Yeah, and my dad

1:08:27

said, oh, we will not be

1:08:29

naming this chicken. Yeah,

1:08:32

and I should've said, dad, what does foreshadowing mean?

1:08:37

Here's our kappa rote works. You say

1:08:39

his prayer over and over again, and then symbolically,

1:08:41

as you say it, your sins are supposed to kind of like wash

1:08:44

off you a little bit.

1:08:45

But they don't evaporate the

1:08:47

sins. They gotta go somewhere. So

1:08:50

this chicken, yeah,

1:08:53

it's a sin chicken. And

1:08:56

it eats sins. I know, I get it, it's very

1:08:59

strange. We're not the only culture that does shit like that. There's

1:09:01

other cultures that are similar stuff. There's a tribe in the Amazon,

1:09:04

Central South America, every three years, villagers

1:09:06

come together, they put their sins on a goat, and they fucking

1:09:08

kick the goat off a cliff. Yeah,

1:09:14

yeah. Catholics, you tell your sins to a rapist

1:09:16

behind a counter.

1:09:17

And then, you know, he

1:09:23

knows whatever he wants with it. So

1:09:25

let's not judge what's weirder or less weirder. That's all

1:09:28

pretty fucking out there. And

1:09:30

Jews, we got a sin chicken. So

1:09:33

six years old, first grade, we're saying kappa rote, we're

1:09:35

saying his prayer over and over again. All my sins,

1:09:37

you know, my gossip, fucking eat it, sin chicken.

1:09:41

I punched my sister, I stole a pencil, eat

1:09:43

it, sin chicken, you love it, slurp it up. My

1:09:47

dad's over there doing his kappa rote, and this chicken's

1:09:49

just fucking

1:09:49

gobbling. It's

1:09:54

just fucking covering this bitch. It's

1:09:58

like a bukkake of regret over this.

1:09:59

in his fucking slut's face.

1:10:03

God, come on, just Bible talk, you guys. That's all we're doing here.

1:10:05

Just regular Bible talk. I've done this before. And

1:10:08

then

1:10:09

we were done, and my dad was like, all right, symbolically,

1:10:11

we're wiped clean of sin. I was like, oh, so

1:10:13

cool. Can we go back inside? He goes, yeah, we can go

1:10:15

back inside, but before we do, I mean,

1:10:18

this chicken's gotta pay for his crimes. What?

1:10:23

Big Nate? What did Big Nate do? He

1:10:26

goes, no, there's no one here by that name, first of all. I'm

1:10:29

not gonna mention that. Second

1:10:31

of all, he knows what he did. He punched his sister.

1:10:33

He stole that pencil. He gossips all

1:10:35

my stuff.

1:10:36

Look, man, Jews are excellent lawyers. And

1:10:40

this motherfucker's gonna hang for his crimes.

1:10:43

Yeah, so he reached down in front of me, six years

1:10:46

old, I was screaming for him not to. I was like,

1:10:48

no, no, please. And he reached down, he

1:10:50

grabbed his chicken by the neck, and,

1:10:52

calm down, he

1:10:55

didn't snap the neck. He picks it up by the neck and

1:10:57

just start fighting. Oh

1:11:00

yeah, way worse than whatever you guys pictured five seconds ago. Far,

1:11:03

far, far, more, more, more. Whatever you were thinking is like

1:11:05

the way I did not see it coming at all.

1:11:10

You know who was more surprised? Big

1:11:12

Nate. You

1:11:15

should've heard like, what the fuck? This

1:11:18

is how I die? You

1:11:21

asked that chicken eight minutes earlier, how are you gonna die? No

1:11:23

way, it guesses correctly. Big

1:11:26

Nate, how are you gonna die? I'm like, my old age, I think,

1:11:29

probably old age. These

1:11:31

Jews treat me great, you know? He's never

1:11:33

guessed I'm gonna die by swinging over a Hebrew's

1:11:35

head in some Northern

1:11:37

African voodoo ritual. By

1:11:40

the way, it was not only my family. It wasn't like we were the weird ones.

1:11:42

If you drive down the streets, the afternoon before Yom Kippur,

1:11:45

down Teaneck, New Jersey, or Skokie, Illinois,

1:11:47

or Kett Mill, Maryland, or wherever you guys keep your

1:11:49

Johnny Cash juice, you'll

1:11:52

see dozens of them lassoing poultry in

1:11:55

front of their horrified young sons. Now

1:11:58

you see.

1:11:59

and he threw it down right

1:12:01

near my feet. Not dead, just hurt bad. Like

1:12:05

knocking him recover bad. You

1:12:08

know, taking a wing, trying to get away. Like, mwah!

1:12:10

Mwah!

1:12:15

Just trying to get home to see your eggs one more time. Mwah!

1:12:19

Mwah! And

1:12:22

then you can't eat the chicken afterwards. No, no, not the chickens.

1:12:25

Because it's got all our sins on it, so you can't eat it.

1:12:28

So you know what we do with it? You're for sure

1:12:30

not gonna like this, but... We

1:12:33

give it to poor people. We don't tell them about the sins.

1:12:35

And

1:12:39

we're like, here, here's some chicken. Eat it, eat it. No,

1:12:41

it's chicken. Go ahead, eat it. Eat the chicken.

1:12:44

Eat the chicken. Eat the chicken, it's good. Eat it, eat

1:12:46

the chicken. It's good, eat the chicken.

1:12:51

Yeah, so here's the weird part. Oh.

1:12:57

Yeah, that's not the weird part at all. Okay.

1:13:03

Right away, here's a... I'm seeing

1:13:05

already a problem with this. Setup

1:13:09

on this was too long. How

1:13:13

long was this? Let's

1:13:16

see. So

1:13:26

I gotta mention Yom Kippur and Russia Shonar

1:13:28

are connected. Let's

1:13:34

see how far I go. A chicken. A

1:13:36

live chicken. And I was like, I'm gonna

1:13:39

name it Big Nick. No, I guess

1:13:41

it's not a minute. Maybe

1:13:43

first grade. Guys,

1:13:49

it's gonna get weird right

1:13:52

here. I guess it's 20... This

1:13:56

is 29 seconds.

1:13:59

Just so you're done. And then a chuckle.

1:14:03

Still is too long.

1:14:04

That should have been 15 seconds.

1:14:07

Maybe 20.

1:14:08

It wasn't a big misdirect.

1:14:12

It wasn't a big enough misdirect to say,

1:14:16

say it's gonna get weird right now. You

1:14:18

know, it wasn't that much of a payoff. Oh,

1:14:22

by the way, I forgot before, we're

1:14:24

reading ham soup tonight, that thing.

1:14:27

That's one where they advised

1:14:29

me to turn the laughs up in that.

1:14:31

I'm pretty positive. And I was like, can't.

1:14:34

And I remember the director was like, it's

1:14:36

funnier than you're getting credit for.

1:14:40

And I was like, yeah, but I actually never was

1:14:42

able to make this work consistently. That

1:14:45

one joke, I can make it work sort of okay,

1:14:48

but I'm finessing it. And I was like,

1:14:50

listen, I had four chances to get it. And if I

1:14:53

didn't get it, it just wasn't to be got.

1:14:56

So this is the laugh we had to show at Chuckle. But

1:14:59

back here to the sin chicken.

1:15:03

Too long a setup. So Kapa wrote,

1:15:06

waving it over his head, I was

1:15:09

considering doing this special,

1:15:11

doing this taping in Tel Aviv

1:15:14

or Jerusalem. It

1:15:16

would be very cool. And

1:15:20

I also thought about doing it in a synagogue. I wanted to do

1:15:22

it at sixth and I in DC, but

1:15:26

they were like, we're getting one

1:15:28

complaining fucking member and we're fucked. It's

1:15:31

funny, but once they saw the material,

1:15:34

I even was like, listen, I've justified this. I've made Orthodox

1:15:36

Jews laugh at this. This is very funny. It's

1:15:39

not mean. I've cross checked

1:15:41

it.

1:15:42

And they go, yeah, all it's gonna take is one angry

1:15:44

lady and it's gonna be our ass. So

1:15:49

that was out. That would have been cool because it already works

1:15:51

as a music room. And that's

1:15:54

kind of where

1:15:55

I was raised in that area,

1:15:57

or nearby anyway. But

1:16:01

I also have a joining in Israel because I was like for

1:16:03

obvious reasons, right? Somebody

1:16:06

said I should do it in like Palestine

1:16:08

and I'm like, that's dumb. That's not gonna be a good

1:16:10

show. Anyway,

1:16:12

so I tried doing Israel and on a few

1:16:15

lines, what you had is in the audience,

1:16:18

you had some religious Jews. You

1:16:20

also had some former religious

1:16:22

Jews, formerly religious

1:16:25

Jews. That's the right word.

1:16:27

So when I started doing

1:16:29

the Kaparot thing, Kaparos,

1:16:36

they were kind of like the vibe was kind of like, yeah, yeah, we know.

1:16:41

When I was like, it's gonna be weird right here. Like, oh, what do you

1:16:43

mean? Like Kaparot? And

1:16:45

it's like, oh, yeah. Like, what were

1:16:48

you gonna say about it? I was like, well, what they

1:16:50

do is he takes his chicken and

1:16:52

like, yeah, yeah, he twirls it.

1:16:55

What's the joke? All the laughs I was getting in

1:16:57

the setup,

1:16:59

uh-uh. And there was just too

1:17:01

much that they were like kind of aware

1:17:03

of. So

1:17:06

I was like, I don't think I could do this in Israel.

1:17:09

I'm glad I did it. What

1:17:11

I did is I did an 80 person show in Jerusalem.

1:17:14

So I wouldn't burn the market so I could do like, you know, a

1:17:16

few hundred later.

1:17:18

And it was like, that's it. Can't.

1:17:21

Can't. What a fun trip to Israel. On

1:17:24

that trip to Israel, two

1:17:27

things. I got a, I went to the, me

1:17:29

and my brother was like, let's go to the

1:17:32

Christian quarter. We never went to the Christian quarter. We never

1:17:34

went to the Jewish quarter and a little bit into

1:17:36

the, into the Shuk into like,

1:17:38

just like two steps into the Arab quarter. Then we got

1:17:41

out, like, we're like, wow. It's like stepping

1:17:43

on lava.

1:17:44

Um,

1:17:47

we went with the church of the holy

1:17:49

sepulcher and

1:17:53

my brother's lady waiting in line. To see if I, I don't

1:17:55

know, Jesus is Tony or some shit. And

1:17:58

he was like, cause he went the day before when I was in Yeshiva. studying

1:18:00

with my rabbi the final bit of this

1:18:02

thing.

1:18:06

And I was like, well you wait in line, I'll walk around come back.

1:18:08

He's like, sure, no problem. Because

1:18:09

he was just there.

1:18:11

And I'm walking around, I

1:18:13

turn the corner, all right,

1:18:15

I was like, I saw something I

1:18:17

recognize. And then that something spoke

1:18:19

to me. Something was a person.

1:18:22

He's just like, Ari? And I was like,

1:18:24

Tom? And he's

1:18:27

like, what are you doing here? Tom

1:18:29

fucking Rhodes. I just ran

1:18:31

into him. At the Church of the Holy

1:18:33

Sepulchre in Jerusalem. He's

1:18:37

like, I'm here with my mom. I'm here with my brother.

1:18:40

Let's all meet. That was crazy.

1:18:43

Of all the guys that fucking run into

1:18:46

the travel king, Tom Rhodes.

1:18:48

So anyway, we were talking

1:18:50

for a while and we go, you look at the fucking

1:18:53

rock that they took Jesus down. All these

1:18:55

old ladies are crying and you know, watching

1:18:58

and watching themselves. And I was like, my

1:19:00

friend Steve Simone is really religious. I'm gonna get him

1:19:03

a fridge magnet from here.

1:19:05

Something like that. He goes,

1:19:07

fridge magnet? No, get him across. And

1:19:09

I was like, what do you mean? He goes, you get across, you

1:19:11

put it on the fucking rock and it

1:19:14

fills it with power. Jesus

1:19:16

power. The power to smite,

1:19:19

the power to rape altar boys, the

1:19:21

power to forgive, the power to turn the other

1:19:23

cheek and rip that cheek open and

1:19:26

stick your fucking priest cock right

1:19:28

into his ass. He screams, I'm

1:19:30

losing my innocence. I'm losing

1:19:32

my innocence, but you don't care because you're

1:19:34

protected by God. It's a form of mafia.

1:19:38

Anyway, you get that power and

1:19:41

it goes into the cross. So I was like,

1:19:43

where can I find a cross around here? And he goes, oh

1:19:45

dude, I'm not the only one with the idea. I'm

1:19:49

comfortable. It's a whole thing.

1:19:51

There's some

1:19:53

out there. I got one with some like sand

1:19:56

of Bethlehem or some shit. Put

1:19:59

it on there. I took pictures to show

1:20:01

that it was and it gave him

1:20:03

this cross. It's a good gift. Shit. I don't

1:20:05

care about, but I know he does. I

1:20:07

didn't care about even when I was religious. I didn't care

1:20:09

about cross. It wasn't like Indiana Jones where it all has

1:20:12

power. Nah. Anyway,

1:20:17

cut to that

1:20:19

was 20. Eight

1:20:21

early 2018. Yeah,

1:20:26

I think so. Um,

1:20:29

cut to 2020 late. His

1:20:34

mom and dad are dying in the hospital of COVID.

1:20:39

It's bad. The fucking

1:20:42

judge the hospital judge whatever it's called

1:20:45

doctor. He's pretty much like

1:20:47

unless I'm reading into a wrong. He's like, hey Steve,

1:20:50

you should say goodbye. Like

1:20:52

they're losing this battle. And

1:20:55

right then they came

1:20:57

with the monoclonal antibody stuff

1:20:59

and they just like shoved

1:21:02

wet a bunch of money into it as a treatment

1:21:04

in Florida, Florida. I think was going

1:21:06

like, hey, we're not going to shut down. So we were

1:21:08

also not going to ignore the disease. I was

1:21:10

still like really harsh back then. So

1:21:12

it's like, let's let's put all our money into treatment.

1:21:15

So there's monoclonal antibodies. I

1:21:17

got them when I was there. Done.

1:21:20

Rogan city stopped talking about it because every

1:21:24

time they found out about it, they would shut them down. They

1:21:26

were like, whatever because I guess some people

1:21:28

were going like, well, if I take these I don't have to add whatever.

1:21:30

I'm definitely not getting the COVID talk on this.

1:21:35

So they got the treatment. You're supposed to get it right away. It was

1:21:38

late in the game, but they turned around.

1:21:42

Before they turned around before the monoclonal

1:21:45

antibodies. Steve brought them that cross. They're

1:21:48

very religious people. And they held onto

1:21:51

the cross the cross that Jesus's

1:21:53

body. Invert

1:21:55

sort of touched indirectly. He touched

1:21:57

the rock the rock touch the cross. the

1:22:00

cross touched Mrs.

1:22:03

Simone. And

1:22:05

they got better. And they were like,

1:22:07

tell Ari, it was him. We couldn't

1:22:09

have done it without him. He's responsible

1:22:11

for our recovery. And

1:22:14

I was like, guys, if you're

1:22:16

gonna say it's the cross, you

1:22:19

gotta give the credit to Jesus. I

1:22:21

mean, if it's the Jesus

1:22:24

power, who gets the credit there?

1:22:27

It's gotta be Jesus, not the guy who brought Jesus

1:22:29

to you. You know, the butler

1:22:31

going, may I present you Mrs. and

1:22:34

Mr. Kim Kardashian? Everyone's

1:22:37

like, yeah, no. The butler doesn't get

1:22:39

like, thank you, butler. It's the,

1:22:41

you know, it's Kim Kardashian.

1:22:46

I did have a chicken named Bignate.

1:22:49

Turned out to be a rooster. We

1:22:52

got him, Pee Pee Besset. My dad had chickens for a while.

1:22:54

Bantam chickens, they were beautiful. Gray and white

1:22:56

ones, very interesting colors. And

1:22:58

my favorite was Bignate,

1:23:00

named after a comic strip

1:23:02

in the Washington Post, Bignate. They

1:23:06

call that something, right? Ubiquitous, no. Namesake,

1:23:09

no. They say like, call it Bignate.

1:23:13

Then he hit puberty,

1:23:15

found out, oh, he's actually a fucking rooster.

1:23:18

They don't have big fucking hog dicks. And

1:23:21

then he started,

1:23:22

wa-ha-ha-ha-ha! At like, 5

1:23:25

a.m., which is just not fun for neighbors who

1:23:27

don't get the joy of the eggs and the fucker. They just

1:23:30

hated it. And they were like, we gotta get rid

1:23:32

of Bignate. I was like, don't get rid of Bignate. That's my fucking,

1:23:34

that's my guy. That's

1:23:37

my favorite one. And they were like, all right,

1:23:40

then we gotta bring him into the garage every night. I had

1:23:42

the idea, and I couldn't get him. Because I'm like, so scared

1:23:44

to grab this fucking chicken by

1:23:46

the wings. Eventually they gave it

1:23:48

away.

1:23:50

And I wouldn't talk to my mom for like a month. I

1:23:52

was just giving her the fucking business.

1:23:55

I was such a cunt. What are they gonna do? The neighbors are

1:23:57

completely, they're gonna be like,

1:23:59

oh, I'm gonna get you. complaining. You don't can't you get

1:24:01

it by a house. You don't want a fucking ruse next to

1:24:03

you. It's in New Orleans.

1:24:09

Anyway, they did not kill big Nate. It wasn't one

1:24:11

of our chickens.

1:24:12

It was just a chicken.

1:24:15

Uh Catholic Rapists.

1:24:18

My only favorite part of that one. I just love continuing

1:24:20

to come out today. I won't let it go. II just

1:24:22

split up the mentions of

1:24:25

how I did it and order them correctly. Um

1:24:29

this was I think the third and I was just kinda

1:24:31

like, let me just get one more thing. I do like the

1:24:33

line and I would still write it. This is again to rapist

1:24:35

rapist behind a counter. Meaning confession.

1:24:39

Uh uh a Hebrews

1:24:41

head. That was a heeb's head. I

1:24:44

had to change it because I was like, and it's

1:24:46

also a more creative. Tell

1:24:48

me that. Oh, I had to get somebody to tell me all the Jewish

1:24:51

neighborhoods. T neck is. Go kill. I know

1:24:53

he is. It's

1:24:54

where all the like the religious Jews

1:24:56

live. There's something in Michigan. I

1:24:59

forget. Near

1:25:02

Detroit outside Detroit. Um

1:25:07

there's a bunch of them where it's like, oh, that's where the Jews live.

1:25:10

Uh and then David Mark corrected

1:25:12

me on something. A guy gave credit. Uh

1:25:15

uh uh thank you in the credit. He he correct

1:25:17

me on something. When he went to see to the seller that time.

1:25:24

Oh, there must be a technical difficulty if you're listening right

1:25:26

now. Um he said there

1:25:29

was something I did wrong. We I

1:25:32

said, I think I said we throw it

1:25:34

out. We

1:25:37

take the chicken and we we we can't eat it.

1:25:40

So, what do we do? We burn it? No. What

1:25:42

did I say? I had it wrong. I had the

1:25:44

info wrong.

1:25:45

I said, we not

1:25:49

burn the chicken. **** You

1:25:52

know what we do with it? You're not gonna like this.

1:26:02

We give it to goys.

1:26:05

We force, we make them eat it. We sell

1:26:07

it to the goys. That's what it is. I

1:26:09

said, I think we said we sell it to the goys.

1:26:12

And I was like enjoy your KFC

1:26:14

every October, motherfucker. You're eating our sins. That's

1:26:17

what I said. David Mark's like, we don't sell it to the goys. We

1:26:19

give it to poor people.

1:26:21

We donate it. And

1:26:24

I was like, ah shit. I

1:26:26

looked it up, he was right. All

1:26:28

right, let's get on to the next one. Making

1:26:30

some fucking way

1:26:33

in the world today. Takes everything you got. Taking

1:26:36

a break. Like if you gotta take a break from all your

1:26:39

worries, it

1:26:42

must help a lot. Wouldn't

1:26:45

you like to get away? Sometimes, honestly,

1:26:47

sometimes you just gotta go where like,

1:26:51

just some place where everybody knows your name.

1:26:54

And they're always like glad you

1:26:56

came. You

1:27:03

wanna go where everybody just knows your

1:27:05

name. 5912, let's

1:27:11

move on to, oh

1:27:15

my God, we're almost done. One, two, three,

1:27:17

four, five more bits. Okay.

1:27:25

Wait, which one is this? Crisis

1:27:29

of faith. Oh shit,

1:27:31

this is my Edinburgh bit. Watch

1:27:36

this and look how

1:27:38

terribly I want to not be serious.

1:27:42

This is the serious resolve

1:27:44

moment. This is what you'll see in every Edinburgh

1:27:47

hour, Edinburgh hour, it's

1:27:49

this moment. And it lasts 20 minutes.

1:27:53

Where there's something serious that

1:27:55

happened that shifted things.

1:27:58

It doesn't have to be serious. at

1:28:00

all and I did my damnedest

1:28:02

to not wallow in it. This is

1:28:04

my Miss Pat moment. I don't nail it as well

1:28:06

as her but I nail it as strong as I possibly

1:28:08

could. Let's listen. That

1:28:12

is weird. That's not the weird part. Here's the

1:28:15

weird, I took it for granted. Here's the weird part. I went home

1:28:17

again for Rosh Hashanah. It's part of the 10 Days of Repentance.

1:28:19

Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur. It's called the Yom Kippur.

1:28:21

And I went home again probably seven, eight years ago

1:28:24

and at this point now I'm way out of the religion, okay?

1:28:27

When I was like I guess 22, 23, I had a crisis of faith

1:28:30

and I realized I didn't

1:28:33

believe in God. That's like a

1:28:35

pretty important part of the religion. Actually

1:28:39

it was when I was in that Yeshiva, that seminary in Jerusalem.

1:28:42

Okay

1:28:43

so I left a light on above my bed, a reading light

1:28:45

on above my bed in the dormitories and

1:28:48

it was just in my eye on Friday night on Shabbos

1:28:50

night. I couldn't fucking sleep. It was right in my eye.

1:28:52

I was getting so fucking frustrated that

1:28:54

eventually I was like fuck this I'll just I'll

1:28:56

turn it off. You

1:28:57

know and right when I went to turn it off I was like some people

1:28:59

walked by my window and I'm like fuck I'll get in trouble. There's

1:29:02

no goys to help me you know. Not in Jerusalem.

1:29:05

So I was like fuck. And I didn't turn it off

1:29:08

but then I thought about later I was like why would I care if people got me

1:29:10

in trouble? You know I should

1:29:12

care about God

1:29:14

and then it hit me like oh I don't

1:29:16

believe in God. Fuck.

1:29:20

So I'm like I'm out I'm done. I

1:29:23

went and got my first non-kosher meal. Taco Bell.

1:29:25

Yeah. No.

1:29:28

Do not clap for Taco Bell.

1:29:31

Ever.

1:29:33

Oh I was so like overcome by guilt

1:29:36

I threw up after I ate it but now that I'm looking back on

1:29:38

it I realized it was not the guilt at all. I

1:29:41

just thought that then. I thought that was real food back then. It's

1:29:43

Taco Bell. Never ever eat there.

1:29:49

So I left. I had to leave. I had to tell my Orthodox

1:29:52

Jewish Holocaust survivor father that

1:29:55

I was out. Yeah he didn't he didn't he wasn't stoked.

1:29:58

I get it from his perspective.

1:29:59

You got to understand, like, he sent me to Hebrew school

1:30:02

for 12 years, at like $15,000 a year. You

1:30:05

know, Jews don't love wasting money. I don't know if you've heard

1:30:07

about us. And then Yeshiva,

1:30:10

a seminary in Jerusalem, at like 30 grand a year

1:30:12

for two more years. Then when I got out, I was like,

1:30:14

Dad, I need to talk to you about something important. And he's like, you

1:30:16

want to become a rabbi, don't you? And

1:30:18

I'm like, oh, quite the opposite. I

1:30:22

want to tell dick jokes to drunk people all over America.

1:30:30

And he's like,

1:30:33

he was mad. He goes, I told him

1:30:35

I didn't believe in God. He goes, even a dog believes in

1:30:37

God. You're lower than

1:30:39

a dog. Which did

1:30:41

hurt until I looked it up. I'm like, what research are you

1:30:43

quoting on that? So

1:30:46

we're fine now. We're totally fine.

1:30:50

But I went home again for Rosh Hashanah. This is part of

1:30:52

the Ten days of repentance. And before it started,

1:30:54

he took me to the backyard. He goes, come to this

1:30:57

place called Tashla. He brought a loaf of bread

1:30:59

with him. Back to this creek in the woods. He

1:31:01

starts tearing off pieces of bread, saying some prayer, throw

1:31:03

it in the creek. And I'm like, what is this? Because I'm

1:31:05

out. I don't remember any of this, right?

1:31:07

And he goes, oh, well, what we're doing here is we're

1:31:09

putting our sins on the bread. And

1:31:13

then

1:31:16

these fish, these sin fish, they

1:31:18

eat our sins. It

1:31:21

swim away. And dude, all these memories start flooding

1:31:23

back.

1:31:24

And I was like, wait, is this like that

1:31:26

chicken thing for when I was little? And

1:31:28

he goes, yeah, yeah, good memory. Exactly.

1:31:31

They're interchangeable. You could do either one.

1:31:42

You had the option? When

1:31:45

I was six years old, you could have fed goldfish with

1:31:47

me. And instead,

1:31:50

you killed me late.

1:31:54

He was like, in hindsight, it was not the best I do. Yeah,

1:32:00

but getting out of the religion, man, I thought I'd miss

1:32:03

a sense of community and stuff but nah, I got my

1:32:05

first blowjob and I'm like, oh hell yes. I

1:32:08

loved it. I experienced new things. Every

1:32:10

Saturday morning I'm fucking flicking on and off lights. I'm

1:32:13

like, ugh. You know? In

1:32:15

college I do have OCD. I'm like, make it up for lost time.

1:32:20

Before I end this section, I should

1:32:23

say this about the Edinburgh Fringe.

1:32:26

Also, the sound editing is fucking great

1:32:29

in this whole thing. The cuts,

1:32:33

Dan Cotter made great cuts and

1:32:35

helped us fucking tie things together

1:32:37

and came up with solutions that were just like,

1:32:39

I don't know how to make this work, man. And he

1:32:42

just fucking, no, I got it. I got it. I

1:32:44

got it. Um, and then Thomas

1:32:47

Cassetta, dude, it was like, you

1:32:50

could hear it. You

1:32:52

could hear it in moments of like, this is jarring.

1:32:54

And he fucking, it was just like everything

1:32:57

was seamless, but whatever. I'm not talking

1:32:59

about that. Here's the interesting thing

1:33:01

about running this as a spite

1:33:04

hour, because

1:33:04

that's what it was. I said it on Rogan's a long

1:33:06

time ago that I'm doing

1:33:09

this hour a long time ago. I mean like three

1:33:11

or four years ago that I'm doing this hour

1:33:13

as a spite hour. And I think spite is a great motivator.

1:33:16

It really is. It's an underrated motivator.

1:33:19

Spite. Yeah. Look

1:33:21

at any of the podcasts who have dropped their old

1:33:23

partners. Look at how much they're fucking succeeding. You

1:33:25

know, part of that is a throw in the face of the fucking

1:33:28

guy that couldn't work out a deal with. And

1:33:31

the cool thing is when I started trying

1:33:34

to do this, despite Edinburgh, I found out

1:33:37

something that, um,

1:33:42

that it was driving me to get a lot

1:33:44

better. So like every

1:33:46

time I thought I had it done where I'm like filled

1:33:49

an hour, you know, 55 minutes

1:33:51

on a topic. Got it.

1:33:53

I put myself in the place

1:33:56

of whoever I had representing Edinburgh

1:33:58

in my head. Sometimes it was my old roommate.

1:33:59

I hear sometimes it was

1:34:02

all those fucking

1:34:06

just the people nominated for awards

1:34:08

every year it must have at some point

1:34:10

even been Hannah Gadsby

1:34:12

although I can't remember taking

1:34:14

that but it was like all of them

1:34:16

you know and

1:34:18

like where would they find

1:34:20

the weaknesses in this so if

1:34:22

they're always saying like sure and you

1:34:24

know they don't always say this but this is in my head that they do

1:34:27

sure American comedy might be funnier

1:34:29

it is

1:34:32

but

1:34:34

where's the where's the you

1:34:36

know the holding together where's the

1:34:38

where's the cohesive line

1:34:41

and so that's why I showed them but at the same time I could

1:34:44

see their complaints were gonna be their

1:34:47

attack points as Elon

1:34:49

Musk calls it and

1:34:51

their attack point was gonna be one of my

1:34:54

real eyes was hey man this isn't personal

1:34:57

you've just given us a bunch of information about Jews

1:34:59

but there's nothing personal in here and

1:35:03

I was like damn you're right you

1:35:06

know myself my own version of what Edmarah

1:35:09

is the fringe

1:35:11

you're right it's not personal so I had

1:35:13

to write in a bunch of personal stuff and

1:35:15

that's when I started doing stuff about like what

1:35:18

I did in a Hanukkah

1:35:20

what it

1:35:22

was like seeing other people

1:35:24

you know live these lives

1:35:26

getting

1:35:29

to college and realizing that you know there's

1:35:31

a wide world out there and then importantly

1:35:34

losing my religion

1:35:37

so this is the fringe bit this

1:35:40

is the one that

1:35:42

that that that

1:35:44

could have gotten lost and serious

1:35:47

could have gotten lost and not existing but

1:35:49

instead

1:35:50

was like

1:35:52

no I'm gonna be personal here I'm

1:35:54

gonna be funny

1:35:57

I'm surrounding it with two more holiday

1:36:00

stuff. You know, Russia, China, Yom Kippur.

1:36:02

Tell you about that. Gotta tell you about Yom Kippur.

1:36:05

Um the

1:36:08

sin chicken, all the **** wild stuff.

1:36:10

My dad, you know, saying they're interchangeable.

1:36:13

Again, they're not. They're just kind of like, they

1:36:15

do accomplish the same thing. But

1:36:17

you can't, I don't know. You can't do that.

1:36:20

Yom Kippur. That's copper.

1:36:22

Holy dude. That's what

1:36:24

kind of world do you eliminate when you can do copper?

1:36:27

Russia, Shona and Tasha, Yom Kippur. Don't

1:36:29

be **** nuts. Let's not be **** nuts. Let's

1:36:32

get back to this.

1:36:34

So,

1:36:37

yeah. So, I saw their attack points

1:36:40

and that's what all those stickers in the

1:36:42

in the in my old, my first version of

1:36:44

the

1:36:46

the the note cards

1:36:48

I had. The stickers represented what it was covering.

1:36:51

Marissa, pop that up. And

1:36:54

then later, you know,

1:36:57

after I after I came back and redid

1:36:59

it, I lost the stickers. I just did

1:37:01

colored note cards. Marissa, put

1:37:04

that up. To

1:37:08

cover the personal. And

1:37:10

so then, I mean, where else throughout am I

1:37:12

covering the personal? Like, there's gotta be. Let

1:37:16

me see here.

1:37:20

I don't think about it.

1:37:25

The ham soup. Oh, the yeah. Me

1:37:27

and my friends. They're playing a

1:37:29

basketball **** like that.

1:37:34

Adam and Eve, Goys. No.

1:37:39

Truly, no. Fan fiction.

1:37:41

No.

1:37:42

Story of Hanukkah. Yeah.

1:37:46

Pesach. Christian

1:37:48

miracles. Holds

1:37:51

the sheets a little bit. Me finding that's how. Yeah,

1:37:53

not really. Hoshkonzi's

1:37:59

forward. Yeah, this

1:38:02

is mostly where it is. Ham soup. Yeah,

1:38:06

for sure. Other Tom would, yeah. What I did all

1:38:08

the time. And

1:38:12

then also just attitude as well. You wanna

1:38:14

get in that attitude of like, this is personal, but

1:38:16

like part of the personal is

1:38:18

like,

1:38:19

I knew this was ridiculous then. Anyway,

1:38:24

I

1:38:25

think that was important to say. So I wanted

1:38:27

to pick up and drop that in. I

1:38:29

realized I didn't say it. So

1:38:32

let's get back to Bucharest. This is, by

1:38:35

the way, this is Greece. I'm

1:38:37

doing this fucking podcast. Breakdown

1:38:39

in three countries. Romania

1:38:44

was wild.

1:38:46

Oh my God. I mean,

1:38:48

I'll get back to it in a second. We'll get back to the thing,

1:38:51

but just Romania, dude. Bucharest,

1:38:54

the architecture

1:38:55

is a mixture of pre-war,

1:38:59

which is like a Roman, you know, with the pillars

1:39:02

and then French, because all the architects came from France.

1:39:05

And then post-war, which is

1:39:07

just Ceausescu, which is,

1:39:09

I mean, brutalist

1:39:12

architecture. And

1:39:15

then the next, just very,

1:39:18

whatever you think of cold war, that was

1:39:20

his style to lose hope. And

1:39:22

then modern glass and steel buildings. And

1:39:25

there are three in a row.

1:39:26

It's nuts.

1:39:28

You turn the corner, you're like, did I go to a fucking

1:39:31

dystopian futuristic hellscape? And

1:39:33

you turn it again and then they're like, oh, this is lovely colonial.

1:39:36

And then you turn the corner again. And then you're like,

1:39:38

oh, this is like Chicago today, downtown.

1:39:41

It's crazy. I mean,

1:39:43

really, three doors in a row I could see, like abandoned

1:39:45

building for squats.

1:39:48

And then modern, anyway, let's

1:39:51

get back to the episode. Ari Shafir Joo,

1:39:53

the breakdown. Please tell friends about this. So

1:39:56

that we can, I can get over

1:39:58

six million views.

1:39:59

Also, just so you know, Tulsa,

1:40:03

Springfield, Omaha, that

1:40:06

shit might be changing around.

1:40:09

I looked at the routing, it wasn't the best. So

1:40:12

it might be changing around. No

1:40:16

matter what, I will eventually be coming to Tulsa.

1:40:20

Maybe I'll do it with Oakland, let's see. None of that matters

1:40:22

now, none of that matters now. Wrong side of history tour, it's coming

1:40:24

to you. Let's get back to the episode!

1:40:27

Not recording? Yep.

1:40:32

Oh, so yeah, I should

1:40:35

say this though, before I go.

1:40:38

This is the one I wanted to throw in their fucking faces.

1:40:41

Their smug fucking British faces.

1:40:43

We're

1:40:43

funnier than you,

1:40:45

it's informational, it's personal.

1:40:51

Gonna throw in. Here's

1:40:58

the weird part. So that, that here's the weird part,

1:41:02

it was always made to be a laugh. Shoulda

1:41:06

got a better laugh, it never really did. No

1:41:09

one told me to raise a laugh on that one, it just shoulda got a better

1:41:11

laugh and it didn't. You know? Should

1:41:15

I spin my chair? Yeah,

1:41:28

here's the weird part. Yeah,

1:41:31

it's just a

1:41:33

tool to be able to go hard stop to

1:41:35

a new thing.

1:41:37

So here's the weird part, it's like, oh you

1:41:39

thought the fucking throwing the chicken over your head was

1:41:41

not the weird part, it's like no, the whole point of the story

1:41:43

is other weird thing. But that shit,

1:41:45

like I say, it was a given to us. It

1:41:47

was like, we took it for granted. By

1:41:50

the way, when I said I went home seven or eight years ago, the

1:41:52

number was seven or eight years for four straight years

1:41:55

when I was telling this joke. It

1:41:58

was actually probably far longer.

1:41:59

It's probably

1:42:01

like 15 years ago.

1:42:07

This shit's completely true. Once I made the decision

1:42:10

to not be religious, I did break my kosher fast on

1:42:12

Taco Bell.

1:42:14

And

1:42:17

I did throw up. And

1:42:19

it was the Taco Bell. My body

1:42:21

was not used to it. I

1:42:23

can do it now without throwing up, but I

1:42:26

don't want to. And

1:42:35

it was the light. So let me show

1:42:37

you how I did it. You have this hand washing

1:42:39

cup. You're

1:42:43

supposed to wash your hands in the morning and then also use

1:42:46

it before meals that include

1:42:48

bread.

1:42:51

A couple of other things also, but those are the main things.

1:42:54

So I had this like really, it went

1:42:56

like this, and you could like twist the light

1:42:58

up. And so it was this

1:43:00

open thing. And I put the cup on top of this round

1:43:02

ball. And the cup really

1:43:05

did just keep sliding off. I

1:43:07

really

1:43:07

did consider this. That was all true. I

1:43:09

really did consider turning it off. My, my

1:43:12

dorm was if you're

1:43:14

going down the, like the outside hallway or the walkway,

1:43:17

it, it, it, you see the door. So

1:43:20

it goes like long and then, and then the

1:43:22

front door is in the middle.

1:43:24

So you're passing by

1:43:26

ground floor and one floor up windows. And

1:43:30

my window was if you're going down

1:43:32

the courtyard into the front door,

1:43:34

my window was the last, the closest to the

1:43:36

front door window on the left.

1:43:39

So for sure, people were walking back

1:43:41

and forth past my window all the time. So

1:43:45

they would have seen her gone off. I would have

1:43:48

been in trouble or they would have like, what do you do? I

1:43:50

would have had to be like, oh, shit. I forgot that

1:43:53

it's bad. It's bad that late too. It would

1:43:55

have been bad. And it really was

1:43:57

like, that was one of the reasons I got out.

1:43:59

That's probably the biggest reason I kept focusing on it. I

1:44:02

kept focusing. And

1:44:10

I couldn't let it go for like a year. And

1:44:13

then I was in Yeshiva University in New York. And

1:44:16

I remember telling David Mark and other people

1:44:18

about that. And they were like, what are you talking about? I'm

1:44:20

like, guys, I don't think I believe.

1:44:23

It wouldn't have mattered. It shouldn't

1:44:25

have mattered. What the fuck people thought of it. I

1:44:28

should have just not done it. I shouldn't

1:44:30

have even been tempted to do it. Attempted

1:44:32

to do it, sure. But go, oh, no, no, no,

1:44:34

okay, I will catch it. But I wasn't thinking about him.

1:44:38

And then I just, I had never looked inside

1:44:41

before. And I was just done what I was supposed to do.

1:44:47

You know? And

1:44:50

what I was supposed to do was study the fucking

1:44:52

Gemara and learn and pray.

1:44:57

So, yeah, I just decided after I thought about it

1:44:59

and thought about it. I wasn't like,

1:45:01

I didn't fade away like a lot of Orthodox

1:45:03

Jews do.

1:45:05

Well, they do break one thing, then break

1:45:07

more, then break more, then they start fucking some

1:45:09

shixas. No,

1:45:12

it was a hard decision. I kept kosher till the day

1:45:14

I didn't. I didn't touch

1:45:16

women till that day also. I did

1:45:18

everything. I just like, let's go full

1:45:20

stop. Because it was like, well,

1:45:22

if I don't believe in this, I didn't want to make any rash

1:45:24

judgments, you know? You don't want to quit your job

1:45:27

or divorce your wife as soon as you're thinking like, hmm,

1:45:29

maybe I should. Let's be sure.

1:45:34

Once I was sure, I was like, I think I'm done.

1:45:37

And I waited like, let me wait another day or two to

1:45:40

make sure I don't think of anything else, but I'm pretty sure I don't

1:45:42

believe in this. I looked in there and there was

1:45:44

just no, and I even thought God would forgive me

1:45:46

to be honest. I'd be like, if I get

1:45:48

to the afterlife and you get judged and God's like, why didn't

1:45:50

you do any of the stuff you're supposed to do?

1:45:53

I would have had a good answer. I'd be like, God, you didn't

1:45:55

put belief in me and you. You

1:45:57

put that in everybody. All my

1:45:59

other friends.

1:45:59

the belief in you. I didn't have it.

1:46:02

So if I didn't believe in you, why would I do

1:46:04

it? You should have put it in me.

1:46:14

Yeah, this one was hard to make work where it was

1:46:16

funny, where it wasn't like just gratuitous.

1:46:19

This is the Edinburgh bit.

1:46:26

It was my chance. Really, I just want to say about

1:46:28

Rosh Hashanah, right? But I do the aside

1:46:30

to be like, because the story is just

1:46:33

Rosh Hashanah Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur,

1:46:35

we did a kaparot, Rosh Hashanah,

1:46:37

we did tashchach, and they're do the same thing.

1:46:39

By the way, they're not exactly the same thing. Tashchach is

1:46:42

only supposed to be for Rosh Hashanah and kaparot

1:46:45

is only supposed to be for Yom

1:46:49

Kippur. Also, you can replace it

1:46:51

by I think by waving like money or bread

1:46:53

over your head. I think they do that now. Not everybody does

1:46:55

the kaparot like with full chicken. Full

1:46:58

chicken. That's another good. That's

1:47:01

like a term. You go full chicken. Like

1:47:03

you don't have to. He's going for it. What

1:47:06

was I

1:47:13

going to say here? Shit,

1:47:16

sorry. Full

1:47:18

chicken. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But

1:47:20

this story was the place I had to put

1:47:23

in the aside. And the aside was

1:47:25

I went home again. By the way, I'm

1:47:27

done with all of it. So that part I had to be like,

1:47:30

let me tell you how I'm done with it. And I think I did

1:47:32

do that. I think I had a story about going to

1:47:34

a creek in the woods, doing

1:47:37

it and saying how Jews have creeks in the woods,

1:47:39

neither at home. And it's just like,

1:47:41

we're rich. We're not going to apologize for our

1:47:44

work ethic and how much you value education.

1:47:46

Shit like that. It was like, catch

1:47:49

up, guys. Catch up.

1:47:54

But I really was like, didn't fully

1:47:57

remember like what we're doing. I'm...

1:47:59

I must have known what we were doing. Did

1:48:03

I forget what Tasha was? Yeah,

1:48:08

maybe I did. Maybe

1:48:10

I did. Because

1:48:13

this fish swim away, you don't kill them. And

1:48:16

then I think I was told. I think my dad said, like,

1:48:18

this is what we're doing. And I was like, oh yeah. And

1:48:21

that's kind of the, I guess the first moment where I really started

1:48:23

thinking about this stuff in like real terms. It's

1:48:28

also the key to breaking this down. I can

1:48:30

even look at everything in just real terms.

1:48:42

Juice don't be, juice

1:48:44

don't have, wasting them, I don't know. Quite

1:48:49

the opposite, what research,

1:48:51

those are all just like me flouring up this

1:48:54

part about like, let me tell you, I lost my religion and

1:48:56

how it was hard. Because I mean it

1:48:58

was, it was hard coming out. But I also didn't want

1:49:00

to wallow in how hard it was coming out, because the hard

1:49:04

really was

1:49:05

just telling my parents. Because

1:49:11

the making the decision wasn't, it was, I

1:49:14

toiled over it, but it wasn't hard. Once

1:49:18

I realized it was the right decision, it was just the right decision.

1:49:26

Hmm. But

1:49:30

yeah, telling them was the hard part. But it was hard for one

1:49:32

day, so I wanted to focus on the fact that once I went to

1:49:35

the University of Maryland, I started fucking,

1:49:38

not a lot, but like a little,

1:49:41

I had crushed on people, went to like movies all the time,

1:49:43

had such a fun life, didn't care about

1:49:45

Shabbos, didn't care about kosher,

1:49:48

and just was like living completely secularly.

1:49:51

And it really was great, and it still is.

1:49:54

I didn't want to wallow, oh that's what I, I didn't

1:49:56

want to wallow. I didn't want to wallow on going like how

1:49:58

hard it was, and how I overcame it.

1:49:59

It was just like, it was, it was

1:50:02

hard for a second, really a blink

1:50:04

of an eye. So like, let me tell you what

1:50:06

happened. It's interesting how I got out

1:50:08

and how I told everybody and how I got

1:50:11

out socially as well, but

1:50:14

you know, I'm not going to fucking sit in it forever.

1:50:18

Um, okay. What do we got now? Crazy.

1:50:22

Crazy. Jewish stereotypes.

1:50:27

And let's go. Yeah,

1:50:31

but I'm way out now, but there are still like Jewish,

1:50:33

like stereotypes that, uh, well, maybe

1:50:36

you guys know them. I'm sure you've heard them. You know, big dicks,

1:50:38

great lovers. Uh,

1:50:42

what have you guys heard? Go ahead. Throw it out. Jewish stereotypes.

1:50:44

What do you heard? Big nose, cheap

1:50:47

shirt. A lot of people said that one. Okay. Stinky.

1:50:52

Terrible. What terrible eyesight. Not bad.

1:50:55

Moronic. Oh, neurotic. Okay.

1:50:58

That I will allow. What

1:51:02

they like to haggle. Yeah. These are all correct. Afraid

1:51:06

of cats. That's just one Jew you met. No.

1:51:13

They control the weather. We do not control the weather.

1:51:17

We are working on it, but we're not there yet. We are

1:51:19

making the plans. Brooklyn,

1:51:22

the bad at basketball. How about smart, funny,

1:51:24

any of the good ones at all? Creative. You

1:51:26

guys all want negative for no reason at all.

1:51:28

These

1:51:33

are all true. Everything you've said is true. Cheap,

1:51:38

big noses. That's that. Here's how that affects my

1:51:40

life. Because by the way, we are cheap, but that's only compared

1:51:42

to you. You got to understand.

1:51:44

I didn't grow up with you. So, you know, maybe

1:51:46

I'm cheap compared to you guys, but I'm not cheap compared to Chaim

1:51:48

and Shlomo. You

1:51:51

know? So we were aware of the stereotypes. I

1:51:53

told you we watched movies and stuff, but we just had fun

1:51:55

with them. We're very funny people. So we just had fun with it. We

1:51:57

had this game in high school. We played called,

1:51:59

uh,

1:51:59

Get it, Jews. And the way you play

1:52:02