0:00

One

0:00

time I was on a hike with O'Neil, and I couldn't not

0:02

shit. I had to shit. Yeah. And then I had to wipe

0:04

my ass out with some

0:05

Pepsi. I just had to pour water up

0:08

like, cut seawater. Thank

0:09

you, a cut seawater.

0:10

I don't have your first number. It was a minimum water. You

0:12

know what I

0:12

mean? was a touch made that I run some

0:14

pepsi challenge. That might be a move if you're gonna

0:16

be happy. Just splash a little Pepsi.

0:18

You'll be a little more out of pocket. We don't have

0:20

a fair Pepsi on there. You

0:26

watch your ass a bit

0:27

better off just letting it dry. No.

0:30

Gotta go to shit out. Think you just let it

0:32

dry and let it flake

0:33

off. Do you

0:33

think it's sticky? It cheeks a hair

0:35

wasn't sticky? Maybe it wasn't pepsi.

0:37

You got ants all over your ass? Let's

0:40

keep walking. You guys.

1:05

Hello, everybody. One of the Irish first got the

1:07

tenth partners. I'm feeling like crap.

1:11

Need to curse this earlier podcast, but that's

1:13

what I feel. It's a crap. You know what?

1:16

So I eat twelve chicken wings

1:19

from a food truck last night. New

1:21

York City food truck. It wasn't even like a

1:23

theme food truck. You know,

1:25

if you go to the Philofatoreum, or

1:29

or or, you know, or or or

1:31

the the the Greek buck buckwhenever

1:33

you or or one of those themes

1:36

trucks that maybe you got, oh, yeah, everything

1:38

says, this guy just had a mishmash of

1:40

all sorts of stuff. And he was even

1:42

America. So you talking about he

1:45

had also,

1:47

I had I had an off order I have a off

1:49

menu

1:49

order. It was it was six wings.

1:52

And fries for eleven. And I was like, I don't want the

1:54

fries, dude. I'm

1:54

trying to eat

1:55

healthy.

1:58

It goes, then then what do you want? I'm like, I

2:00

just want twelve wings. Twelve

2:02

weeks. The order is six. I'm like, I don't want twelve. What

2:04

can you do from me? I don't want fries. How about seventeen,

2:06

he said? And I said, sir, you have yourself

2:08

a deal. And I eat twelve

2:11

wings, they put white sauce and hot

2:13

sauce all over, to which I added more hot sauce

2:15

when I got

2:15

home. The rooster sauce

2:17

as dead raffing may would call it.

2:23

Took them to go. I ate them. And

2:26

now feel disgusting. And then I have to

2:28

use a toilet. And that brings us to today's

2:30

episode. It's all about toilets. Me,

2:33

Colum and Nate Marshall, from the Greenland,

2:35

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, the

2:38

toilet of Pennsylvania. It's

2:41

a reach. Sat

2:43

in the in the bathroom of the

2:46

the green room of the Pittsburgh improv

2:48

where we had great shows. And

2:51

we did a podcast about different toilets. The

2:53

things you want and the the things you don't want.

2:55

One toilet you gotta find, is it the

2:58

beacon theater or March twenty fourth? That's

3:00

right, everybody. The Beacon Theatre.

3:02

My man, Ari Shaffir's is playing there,

3:04

and there will probably be food trucks

3:06

from which to

3:07

order, food Outside

3:09

the beacon, I would say skip it. I

3:11

feel like wrap. God.

3:17

Let's

3:17

start the episode. My presale for

3:19

Europe is on

3:22

February second. Let's see if I remember all the

3:24

dates. UK and Europe. Glasgow, those

3:26

three at the end of April, Glasgow. I'll

3:30

do a I'll read for for my dates in middle

3:32

somewhere, but it's former member.

3:34

Let's go. London. Manchester, Amsterdam,

3:37

Stockholm, Lagrange, Virginia,

3:39

two cities in Colum and

3:42

Boca West, Berlin,

3:45

Amsterdam, Athens,

3:48

and maybe Israel coming. don't know. Zurich

3:51

is already on sale. Denver's almost

3:53

all

3:53

that, we added Wednesday shows, added Sunday

3:55

show Sunday was already there.

4:00

The more theater in Seattle, got a special

4:02

guest opener. Vogue,

4:05

one show sold out, I don't know, guys. All going well.

4:07

It's all going quite well. But the main thing

4:09

you wanna see is March twenty fourth, Friday.

4:12

March twenty fourth at the Beacon Theatre in New York City.

4:16

I wanna take a dump. I wanna

4:18

take a dump. Please enjoy this episode

4:21

of Ari Skapertank shot live

4:23

from a

4:24

bathroom. Tyrrell

4:27

and Nate Marshall. Me

4:30

in the bass and part. Me

4:32

in the bass part. Me

4:34

in the bass and Okay. I'm trying to see

4:36

you in the bass and perf. Let me

4:40

be in the bass and perf. I'm trying to

4:42

see if you active perf. Hi,

4:47

everybody. Welcome to our Experis Accepted Tank. I

4:49

have Nate Marshall, and I wish you to call

4:51

him tomorrow. That. What

4:53

a cup of drink?

4:54

I recall them both. Going back, Maroney.

4:58

Rationally, kind

5:00

of the same. You hear that of of

5:02

you're what he

5:03

is. That's

5:03

what they call they called the Okay. Yeah. They call

5:05

us the

5:05

m words of Europe.

5:06

Is that is that what they call you? Yeah. You hear that.

5:09

No. Never. You know you're there?

5:10

Not funny because that's what they say. It's,

5:12

like,

5:12

what the end was,

5:13

like I thought, you know, rates in here and there? Yeah.

5:15

Like people.

5:16

Yeah. I I hate here. I hated

5:17

a but then I was like, I know.

5:19

We're the only invoiced. Go

5:22

there

5:23

and fuck Ireland up.

5:24

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

5:26

Either like that.

5:27

We're in Oxford,

5:28

PA. And let's do

5:30

a podcast about a a bath

5:32

or we're in the bathroom with a at the

5:34

What? The wind is on music. We can get that music

5:36

turned off in here coming

5:37

or something. Oh, it's in here. It's

5:39

in here. Yeah. That's in here. Do

5:40

you know if you turn it down?

5:41

Yeah. I can tell the guy who needs to turn it

5:43

off. Oh, great.

5:46

Okay. Even better. Alright,

5:48

dude. Fucking podcast producer. You have one.

5:50

Right? Yeah. What is it?

5:51

What? The podcast. The zero

5:53

podcast.

5:54

Hotel pockets where he produces it. You got

5:56

one too. I have one too. The paint is in the mouth pockets,

5:58

PITM. It's a very dumb name. With

6:00

La Mer. With with the baloney off

6:02

the Man Shane Podcast for being an left.

6:04

It will

6:05

He was chewing off, ugh, for producing.

6:07

Yeah. Yeah. But look at him. Yeah. He got

6:09

I think he was eating a he forgot turn off his

6:11

producer and, like, ate a cookie into

6:14

like, you can hear a cookie munchkin.

6:16

That is maybe the worst way for a

6:18

fat guy to get fired. Much

6:20

again. Yeah. He's he's built he's built in mayonnaise

6:22

on the fucking sound board or something. Yeah.

6:24

Or, like, if he told somebody, somebody's biggest secret

6:26

to, like, you spilled to be. Alright.

6:30

So, you know, so we're sitting here on a fucking

6:32

bathroom. Let's talk about bathrooms in

6:34

general and over the I

6:35

not the first time I've been forced to go into

6:38

a bathroom with a landline. Oh, yeah.

6:40

This is Ben Raffesberger's town. This

6:42

is where he does his big grapes. I don't

6:43

know. Use that. Quarterback. What if it's in this

6:46

battle? You think it was in this battle? I would

6:48

love. Just quarterback. Yeah. He's quarterback.

6:50

Wait. And he's been random? He's he

6:52

was when kind of got it, they let him slide

6:54

where a lot of us really let him slide. They let

6:56

what happened. He's quarterback. Yeah. He they he

6:58

was He's

6:59

like, a quarterback two year. Yeah. So,

7:01

like, At

7:02

a certain level, you can get away with a lot more than

7:04

regular person.

7:05

Yeah. You should be able to at

7:06

this. That's the the the real pursuit of power.

7:08

It's the level of murder.

7:09

At least. If you murder person that's

7:11

like a

7:12

relative way, getting you away from you. Right.

7:14

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You know,

7:15

from bringing us the fit we need to do.

7:17

Yeah.

7:18

If I was a billionaire, I think do I'd

7:20

sure I'd have people murder. Like, if you were

7:22

next door to who's a

7:24

great

7:24

musician. Bad

7:26

buddy. Alright. Controversial.

7:28

And if if you're doing

7:31

construction on your place or mowing the lawn

7:33

early on bodies, like, hey, man, I I gotta sleep. I gotta

7:35

I mean, studio, I'm writing. You're hunting my

7:37

shit up. The guy's like, I'm on my lawn at eight AM

7:40

every

7:40

day. That button could kill him

7:42

because he's stopping us from getting more,

7:45

you know, more red hot hits. Yeah. And

7:48

that other guy's probably not doing anything anybody

7:50

else gives a fuck about.

7:51

That's right.

7:51

He will not be missed. He's maybe his family,

7:54

but then you get rid of them. Yeah.

7:56

It'd be very much like a no chill. Did you ever see

7:58

in the wire?

7:59

The wire is grim. The security guard,

8:01

just like, can you please stop stealing? And

8:03

then so they they kill him?

8:05

Does it what was his name? Was it Omar? Was his

8:07

name?

8:08

Omar killed him? The gay woman. Not the no. Very

8:10

good girl. Yeah.

8:11

The the the the enemy that sorta that guy

8:13

who came in and sat there and took

8:15

Towards the sale. Hit her

8:16

bell. No. Do you know it later on? Anyway,

8:18

he

8:19

Marlow, I think Marlowe. Yeah. Marlowe

8:21

was, like, just stealing from a broken a

8:23

store. Mhmm. And he's walking out, and

8:25

the security guy goes, come on man.

8:27

You can't just do it out in front of me. And then

8:29

he's like, I've got a job. I'll lose my job or whatever.

8:32

And my like, you sure. And then next thing you know, he

8:34

fucking they kill him -- What? -- just because he

8:36

stopped him from stealing. And just did it

8:38

the nice way possible. He he he was like, Come

8:40

on then. He's like, why you gotta play me like

8:42

that? He's like, I'm I'm gonna just hide it. Yeah. He's like,

8:44

can't

8:44

you do

8:44

what you gotta do right in front of me like that? I saw

8:47

a video like a real life version of that.

8:49

Like, well, back into the, like, faces or death or something

8:51

like that. There's no he was like a casino

8:53

or something. This guy just walked into, like, the middle of

8:55

the casino just started smoking a cigarette. And

8:57

then you could tell, like, somebody told this guy

8:59

to go, you know, tell him he can't smoke. And he went

9:01

over there. Look man, polite, just like, hey,

9:04

man. In the do just turned

9:05

around. just -- Wow. -- just crazy.

9:07

I mean, you have no idea who you're talking to. You say

9:09

just whoever does your jits so you couldn't

9:11

tell. But this is like another

9:13

level of thing. This is psycho.

9:16

Yeah.

9:16

Just so you know his boss was like, I'm not going

9:19

over there to deal with that. You do it for your fucking

9:21

it's a old video like seven was an hour

9:23

and just --

9:23

Yeah. -- and they just shot them in the fucking head.

9:26

You see, I've seen that in, like, on the train. There's no

9:28

way where someone would, like, sit down

9:30

on purpose

9:31

going, like, say something. Like, they'll they'll

9:33

Dude like that. Yeah. See people have some

9:34

do do I've yeah. I've seen people, like,

9:37

bashed that way in, like, get the fuck out of my

9:39

way.

9:39

Just one. But people

9:40

go in. Just go get the fuck up. I'm taking that

9:42

seat and you're like, I'm not fighting this guy.

9:44

Yeah. Yeah. It's his seat.

9:45

Yeah. If you're

9:46

gonna come out that hard Yeah, man. Sure see it,

9:48

obviously. Yep. But then I'm, like You're the man.

9:50

I'm not Yeah. I wish I was, like, fucking just, like, fucking

9:52

Joe Rogen, Taekwondo,

9:53

experts, like. Yeah. Yeah. I'd want to stay young.

9:56

Yeah. But he pulled up. Yeah.

10:01

That's how you that's what the type thing I'd dream about in

10:03

the shower for years

10:04

later. The Tyson I should've done this. Especially

10:07

and that's

10:07

how you go through the full training when your dream shows.

10:09

Really? Now I am that guy.

10:11

Yeah. Here's here's what I would do if I did Just

10:13

in the shower. Just remember in the times you were made

10:15

a punk and you're like, Damn it, dude.

10:17

Was just stood up for my side. I have I have

10:19

one of those that I I could tell I could just tell

10:21

the dude

10:22

was, like, more about it. He pulled up

10:23

next amount of traffic, and he had,

10:25

like, lady would have been a kid in the back seat, and I

10:27

didn't, like, even cut him off, but he, like, stopped.

10:29

He took the car parked the car, took his seatbelt

10:32

off and was, like, what the fuck was that back there?

10:34

And I and I just had the moment of, like, like, I

10:36

was like, what? He was like, he reached

10:38

down and was like, I said, what the fuck was that?

10:40

But I was like, hey, man. I'm just trying to go

10:41

home. I just wanted I just got off work.

10:44

My whole vibe is if you chase. I just

10:46

had nothing for Yeah. It's the best way

10:48

you're like but

10:48

also, like, I was texting. Dry.

10:51

I don't

10:51

know. Like, will I end up in this situation? I

10:53

had a guy I was walking my dog, and he was, like,

10:55

with his fucking, like, six year old daughter.

10:57

And he was, like, yeah. I used to have lots of grassy because

11:00

the people, dogs, started pissed everywhere,

11:02

and I was gonna laugh. And I was,

11:04

like, why? It took that. I was,

11:06

like, nope. I'm not getting

11:07

involved. Yeah. Because this is where your daughter too.

11:10

No way. Because I wanna be

11:11

like, oh,

11:11

yeah. People just got dogs ten years ago.

11:14

That's when dogs started.

11:15

Yeah. I'm sure your dad's not fucking idiots.

11:19

Aeronautics everywhere and you worry about the grass.

11:21

Let's talk about

11:22

bathrooms. Should we start with nicest

11:24

bathrooms you've ever been in? Oh,

11:26

the nicest bathroom I've ever

11:28

been in. I don't even know for I I was like,

11:30

this is my first

11:31

one. Yeah. Key rock's bathroom. It just You went

11:33

to that one. Wind to that one.

11:35

I don't know. Start off strong. Yeah. That's

11:37

What? That's the best I've ever had, but you go in

11:39

as soon as you walk in, like, the toilet

11:41

seat lifted by

11:42

itself. Like, it just

11:44

who registers you in there?

11:45

I I yeah. I don't know how it did it, like, the lights

11:47

weren't even on there. And and, like, I could see Kid

11:49

Rock having a set and where it's, like, kicks

11:51

you right out. But while he's me, that was

11:55

But that one was really nice. It also

11:57

had, like, a Wow. I feel like I'm telling about

11:59

the inside of his house, which kinda feels like do

12:01

it. I mean, it's not embarrassing, but No.

12:03

Look at guys. Like, I had some better homes and gardens.

12:05

Probably not. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It had like

12:07

a sauna in the bathroom too. It

12:09

was -- Oh, yeah. -- about it was big. Big.

12:12

No. No. No. This one this one wasn't even

12:14

that big. Like his house is the whole thing was beautiful,

12:16

but, like, the it was, like, under Like,

12:18

he had a balcony and then a part under the

12:21

balcony and that was like the bathroom I used was

12:23

the under

12:23

balcony. It was like the shitty part of his super nice

12:25

house and his

12:26

bathroom was still the nicest thing I've

12:28

ever got No.

12:30

Not regular regular porcelain porcelain.

12:33

NICEland does sound nicer than a toilet. Porcelain

12:36

sounds like a red over

12:37

there. Yeah.

12:37

A nice bathroom. Is that I would take this call.

12:39

Is that I think it is. But it makes it sound nicer

12:42

to you. It's just a shit It's the white Port

12:44

I thought Portland

12:45

was, like, a material. Like -- Yeah. -- material. It's

12:47

the type of But, like, it's not every toilet is porcelain.

12:49

Right?

12:49

I guess. Yes. You

12:50

have the Yeah. I think base

12:52

Let's let's go. Oh, they have porcelain chandeliers?

12:55

Is that a thing? Porcelain feels wrong.

12:57

It feels wrong. Yeah.

12:58

Oh, I don't

12:59

know. Oh, yeah. It's like Delph or something.

13:01

Isn't it? Delph? What you don't know what Delph

13:03

is?

13:04

No. You're a construction worker. You'll know Oh,

13:06

you are. You were No. Delph. It's like a

13:08

type of China or something, actually. But whatever.

13:11

Damn. Yeah. But nice bathroom come, like,

13:13

when you go into a really, like, in someone's

13:16

house, really nice, like, really nice.

13:18

Just pristine and you walk in incredible

13:20

tile and has a big bathtub and so you

13:22

do go

13:23

Fuck. This is nice. Yeah. This is

13:25

nice. But, also, people's backwards. I don't I don't

13:27

I don't like to linger. Like, I like to be in and

13:29

out. I don't know what it is. Like, I just paranoid

13:31

I don't wanna be and so on's

13:33

You don't like

13:34

looking at things? I just

13:35

Oh, really? Yeah. No. You wanna live in their

13:37

life. Yeah. You feel

13:39

like they lived there. Yeah. I'm

13:41

always paired with also, this is a new my

13:44

new white friends I've been making throughout

13:46

comedy. I don't like leak. It's like still like the

13:48

thing in my head was like, I don't want anybody to think I'm

13:50

in here stealing.

13:50

It's just Oh, yeah. You come out with

13:53

a jazzy order. It's not toilet rollers.

13:55

Anyway, anyway, you're

13:57

one of the day. Or

13:59

you roll it up. You gotta I gotta

14:01

say, I always know what people to pick up season. I go in

14:03

the stores. don't put my hands in my

14:05

pockets. I don't feel like being bothered

14:07

yet. So funny.

14:10

Me and I are you still all the time? We're just stealing

14:12

them. Have you have you guys?

14:14

That fucking hotel.

14:15

Yeah. I just got into airport stealing. That's my

14:17

new thing. Airports' great. One they're not gonna

14:19

die for it. Yeah. You know what I mean? So

14:21

and then I they're pretty they see so many people.

14:23

There's no customer service because it's like, oh, never see you

14:25

again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so you could just wait

14:27

till it active.

14:28

Yeah. I did that and I think was

14:30

LAX recently just like a self checkout. And

14:32

I was like, well, then this is a free

14:34

burrito. Thank you.

14:35

Oh, I know that one.

14:36

Yeah. Absolutely. This self

14:37

checkout thing. It's like, No. No. You're like, oh,

14:39

where's the check out? 0III

14:41

still don't get I still don't get on the way out, and then I'll

14:43

accidentally do my receipt in the trash. Oh,

14:44

yeah. At once? Be nice. This life

14:47

y'all

14:47

Yeah. Just deal it. But we're able to

14:49

afford plane tickets.

14:50

No. Just stay on the stay on the self

14:52

checkout and not be on the line. Yeah.

14:54

Why? Well,

14:54

you you can steal in the grayhound or wherever

14:57

you travel. Me.

15:00

Hi, everybody. Ari Shaffee here to tell you

15:03

about some comedy tour dates that I

15:05

have coming up. I'm a stand up comedian. Does

15:07

my nose still peak out through this? Because it's

15:09

that big? First of all,

15:11

as always, you should know, that I

15:13

am going to be at the Beacon Theatre in New York

15:15

City March twenty fourth tickets are on sale

15:17

now. Hurry up and get them. The floor is almost

15:20

all gone, so you wanna get

15:22

those tickets immediately. I got a pre

15:24

sale from my European UK doors. It's on

15:26

February second. Use promo code Ari.

15:28

Here are the dates. Glasgow,

15:34

April twenty seventh, London, April twenty

15:37

ninth. London second

15:39

show. Okay. Manchester, April

15:41

thirtieth, and then into Europe, Amsterdam

15:44

on March third on May third, Stockholm

15:46

May fourth, Berlin, Germany, May six, Vienna,

15:48

Austria, May ninth. Leisure

15:51

brigina, Pennsylvania. I'll never let her pronounce

15:54

that. May tenth. First new country

15:56

of the year. Clujano

15:59

Bajocca, Romania, May twelfth,

16:02

second new country of the year. Bougar, Romania,

16:04

May thirteenth, Athens,

16:07

Greece, third new country, the year May sixteenth,

16:09

and maybe Israel coming, but those tickets

16:11

not be on sale, but everything else will be on sale

16:14

with promo code Ari on a on February

16:17

second, on sale, February

16:19

third. Get tickets. And

16:22

then and

16:24

then let me do my my American dates.

16:26

This weekend, I'll give you

16:28

in Tampa, Florida I believe all shows are sold

16:31

out, but there might still be scattered tickets available.

16:35

Wise no. Side splitters. Denver

16:40

Comedy Works. We added Wednesday, February

16:43

fifteenth, Friday

16:45

Saturday sold out, early Sunday sold out, early

16:47

Thursday sold out, Hurry

16:50

up, guys. That's going quick. The

16:53

more theater in Seattle on

16:57

February twenty third. Tickets

17:00

are available now. I think I'll gonna have a special

17:02

surprise opener for that one. Vancouver,

17:07

Canada. February twenty fifth

17:09

is sold out. February twenty fourth was added, and that

17:11

is half sold out. Hurry up good tickets. March

17:14

second, third, and fourth, San Jose,

17:16

California. March

17:18

fifth Salt Lake City with the

17:21

with the ski club crew Norland

17:23

and and and, I

17:26

don't know, where does he see? Sean Patton,

17:28

he in finance, or I don't know, still need more

17:30

people. What's the pressure on Shane to come with us? Why

17:32

don't you? March twenty fourth,

17:35

we got the Beacon

17:36

Theatre, and March twenty eighth,

17:40

Zurich Switzerland. Alright.

17:44

That's my shows, guys. I'm doing great fan of

17:46

comedy, and you wanna consume it. Let's get back to the

17:48

episode now. Okay? Okay. Go back to episode.

17:50

Okay. See you. Back to the episode

17:53

for you. Okay. Bye. Bye.

17:55

Get back to the episode. It's about bathrooms.

17:58

Goodbye. What's worst

18:00

place you ever take it a dump? Oh.

18:03

Because

18:03

sometimes you have to possibly airport.

18:06

No. No. That's what I thought.

18:08

No. I've been at the one airport that I just

18:11

fly that was dogs and oh, Nashville.

18:13

Nashville's airport every single fucking

18:15

toilet was, like, shitty,

18:17

dirty. I don't know if somebody was, like, I'm not

18:20

working. But specifically, like, it was

18:22

I had to

18:23

I just tried to do the squat method over something

18:25

because I had to

18:26

Oh, god. I've never done that. You never just

18:28

You want the hoover shit? No. I'll

18:31

I'll put down the paper maybe. That was the other

18:33

thing about this. It was, like, somebody went there fucking

18:35

with it. All the paper was, like, in a corner

18:37

next to well, the one the toilets I got

18:39

into. Both of it was, like, the two latsons and

18:41

the ends had the bro bros, like, some I just went in,

18:43

pulled them all out just threw them in the corner. And

18:45

the one in the one and what I ended up using

18:47

was, like, wet, like, some

18:48

of my fish dry. Yeah.

18:50

Now

18:50

maybe I just had bad times where

18:52

what I got on the ground. It's like, oh, I'll move

18:54

around. That's gonna get on you. Yeah. Or

18:56

you get down to the last square sometimes, and you're kinda

18:58

like, right, how can I maximize this one

19:01

on? That's worse than the

19:02

location. The final square of the

19:04

paper. Do you go to that full moon party in Thailand?

19:06

Yeah. Do you know the squad for that next to

19:09

the much and shake, the happy

19:10

shake, close.

19:10

I don't remember it. No. Did it just have that bucket?

19:13

You just gotta, like, dip your hand in and wipe that on

19:15

your ass and dip your hand again and wipe my

19:17

ass.

19:17

Yeah. It's hot bong It was just like a bucket there.

19:19

It's like

19:20

I just

19:20

I everybody doesn't just say Yeah. They say

19:22

which which is a shitty hand back into the

19:24

water.

19:25

Thailand has a lot of just a

19:27

hold oh, like, lighthouse. It's an outhouse. Like,

19:29

it's like a mix for improvement. Yeah.

19:31

There's a lot of just an oort,

19:33

which is weird is when they sure

19:35

when you're traveling, up in Chang Mai,

19:37

and you're in some tiny shitty fucking village

19:39

and, like, alright, you gotta go shit in the house.

19:42

Like, some hicks in Mississippi. But

19:44

worst is when you it was weird is when you go to, like,

19:46

a proper place, like, Mcdonald's in a city

19:48

and they have cubicles and they've

19:50

got the non toilet

19:51

squat. Yeah. It's a

19:52

porcelain squatty. It's like it

19:54

it's like proper handovers and and regular

19:57

toilets, but that's their version of it. They have proper

19:59

made squat toilets because they they all just

20:01

squat. They hold down, like, on this thing.

20:04

And then they'll just squat like

20:05

that. Yeah. Yeah. But it's supposed to be good. It's supposed to be better for

20:07

you. They

20:07

also It's like a squatty party.

20:09

It is exactly a squatty party. Well,

20:11

that's the best way to poop. Yeah.

20:14

So

20:14

so so shit sit down. So so shit squat. And

20:16

yet it works. Shitting down. It does work, but

20:18

it's a it's a cheat sheet. So it's like a lot of work. Also, the squatting

20:20

party, the problem always says, you're gonna keep piss

20:22

droplets on You do Yeah. And then it's like,

20:24

now you have piss droplets on those things we'll stand

20:26

on. It's it's it's not without

20:28

fault. The squatting is a good one. Let's go squatting.

20:30

It's hard to back

20:31

Yeah. If you feel empty --

20:33

Yeah. -- you have to feel home over. Yeah.

20:36

I need one. I need one of those too. It's

20:38

like the equivalent of one of the girls' leg over.

20:40

It's like it's your body was a fucking empty toothpaste

20:42

container that rolled out. So it's just everything's

20:44

out of the Different game. Different

20:45

game. Different game. Different game. And

20:47

but the way it was a store next to the there was

20:49

a place at a hotel right near the common store,

20:51

and you could either share the common store, which is, like, tough. You

20:54

go to really dumpy one up at a, like, a sound

20:56

booth or, like, in a but people can come in.

20:58

It's like annoying. But this hotel nearby, they

21:00

had their own own stalls. It was

21:02

knocked down to almost the ground. It was a

21:04

fully enclosed --

21:05

Wow. -- and that was just like you get shit,

21:07

like, peace.

21:08

They're like, you mean, like, they nobody could do

21:10

the like, look

21:11

at it. Nobody got it. Yeah. So that's nice. Holy and

21:13

close. I forget where I saw it. I think it was

21:15

like a restaurant. So I'm like, one.

21:17

But, yeah, that it does feel nice. You don't wanna

21:19

leave. You wanna linger. Regal. Yeah.

21:21

There's a yeah. There's a secret

21:24

bathroom in New York. That's

21:26

fucking

21:27

pristine. It's a public bedroom, and

21:29

it's fucking outrageously nice.

21:31

What what do you mean it's a secret

21:33

Well, it's just like

21:33

What do you mean? Like I said, like, you go to the police,

21:35

pull

21:36

it. Yeah. It was. Yeah. was.

21:38

Speak easier. Yeah. Speak easier.

21:40

Yeah. The knock on the door. And it feels

21:43

like rubbish. So I'm gonna do sprays cut

21:45

alone as you walk

21:46

through. The thing is New York Showways, all these

21:48

places have these public bathrooms. You never

21:50

go in there. would never go. normally

21:51

locked. They've been built since

21:52

road.

21:53

They've been locked. They're locked. Yeah. But there is one

21:55

place. I can't remember which park it is.

21:57

Whatever the midtown park is. Whatever.

22:01

Brian. Brian Park, I think yeah.

22:03

So I think it's Brian Parked as a toilet

22:05

and you're like ants. I just want to Is

22:07

it a pay together? No. But it's just

22:09

you you wouldn't even notice

22:11

it and you and because it's like old

22:13

signs and it's disgusting on the

22:15

outside. But when you walk in, it's like fucking

22:17

just It's like his weird

22:19

secret New York bathroom that

22:21

Wow. Yeah. How do y'all feel about

22:23

the when you go into bathroom, you have an attendant?

22:25

I hate it. Hate it. Never

22:27

enjoyed it. Hate it. And the

22:29

people say, well, no, they have someone that's kicked about them

22:31

clean. It's like, no. Other about are clean. Yeah. What

22:33

are you talking

22:34

about? Yeah. It's crazy. I don't sense

22:35

that we're in there every hour. Wipe down the fucking

22:37

And I like I like

22:38

shit having some dude turn the water off.

22:40

Oh, lord. Yeah. No. I mean, they hand a

22:42

towel. You go home. Thanks, ma'am. And you go

22:44

home. Left my wallet. My

22:46

pocket. Yeah. I got I got a

22:47

good one at

22:48

Bass. I can't even look yourself in the because if you're lingering

22:50

now.

22:50

Yeah. You

22:50

don't wanna,

22:51

like I don't know. I'm not gonna pay something. I

22:52

don't wanna take dollar. Fuck it. One of those strawberry

22:55

candies. I know.

22:56

Yeah. Stick a dollar. Just

22:58

candidates are

22:59

great. You know what? I'm sorry. I have one. Number

23:01

one. I have one to use the the urgent

23:03

or got the government. I'm like, I glad this guy's here.

23:05

But it's very rare. Very rare.

23:07

Yeah. I don't need him dry my hands. Jim

23:09

Jeffings had that joke about it. He was like, if if you

23:11

choose not to wash your hands, because you're like,

23:13

I don't wanna deal with this guy, they Like, they look at

23:16

you, like, your dirt. He's like, under it.

23:18

You are gonna fucking toy. I

23:22

I know you said you think to them. It's just like

23:24

You can definitely look at you at that Georgina. You think

23:26

that I have the problem?

23:27

Yeah. I I used to work at Carolans, and

23:29

they they had, like, a bathroom attendant, but it's

23:31

even weird because we, like, with the doobie

23:33

still doing the thing when

23:34

you go into

23:35

your house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like,

23:37

I don't

23:37

even thought just just let me do

23:39

my Let me do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How much

23:41

for you to go away.

23:42

Yeah. Yeah. So I never wanted a

23:44

a fucking doorman. Because, like, I don't have to say, hi.

23:46

How are you doing every time? Like, I can know how to open

23:48

the door. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway,

23:51

what are the bathrooms? what are the bathrooms? Excuse

23:53

me. Where were we guys about this? So what what okay. How about

23:55

this? Is that away from that? Unless you stop me.

23:57

Okay. To Why would you wanna be in a

23:59

bathroom

23:59

alone? Why would you want an all enclosed bathroom?

24:02

Two reasons. Fucking? Fucking.

24:05

And Coke. And Coke. Yeah. I think -- Yeah.

24:07

-- did I step on that? Well, you've

24:09

No. No. think those are the answers. It was

24:11

a real question. Coke. Yeah. I want

24:13

I want I read Whistle Brands autobatically

24:15

once and he said he described his life because

24:17

I've spent a lot of my life in bathrooms.

24:20

So when he was a drug addict, he was in bathrooms

24:22

when he was fucking sick. When he was a sex addict,

24:24

he was in bathrooms. He goes, so I was like, my theory

24:27

is like cool people spend a lot of time in

24:29

bathrooms. That's what I've That

24:31

must be really

24:32

cool. Yeah. Like, an hour every morning. Yeah.

24:34

Yeah. There's chillin.

24:35

There's long.

24:35

Shit. It's because the phone is old. No phone. You

24:37

got

24:38

No. No phone. But do you guys have her or

24:40

son of Luvs to get lost on DuoLingo or something?

24:42

Yes. And I'm

24:43

already there. It's peaceful. It gets her own space. Mhmm.

24:45

Do you have her shit shower? Like,

24:47

sit in the shower? No. No. I

24:49

have. By mistake. Route and metaphor.

24:52

I literally just had violent diarrhea and

24:54

it just came out it was, like, literally, sir. I was

24:56

just, like, oh, god. And then literally, you're

24:58

like, I couldn't

25:00

argue. And I was, like, thank

25:02

god. And we're in the shower.

25:05

What

25:05

great timing? To shit yourself in this hour

25:07

is like the greatest moment of anyone's

25:09

life. I mean, that's the best place to be four

25:11

that situation.

25:12

Incredible. Except on the toilet.

25:14

But I but then I feel like The

25:15

toilet's probably better. Yeah.

25:16

But they kinda, like, stamp it down, though.

25:18

Yeah. That's the

25:18

part that that's what I'll say. I didn't go down

25:21

drew. Now it's still

25:22

slush. Like, it's it's even though it's wet, it's still

25:24

slushy. Sushy. Sushy. Sushy. Sushy. Sushy. Sushy. Sushy. Sushy. Sushy. Sushy. Now just between your toes.

25:26

Now you gotta wash the airy off your be.

25:28

Yeah. You know what? In that moment, you're not really

25:30

grossed out. You're kinda just hope, like

25:32

You just you're it's clean immediately. Yeah.

25:34

Yeah. I get that.

25:34

But it is also gross. So it's you're in it. Like,

25:36

if you drop something expensive into the toilet and you're just

25:38

like, I'm going

25:39

Yeah. You just

25:39

gotta

25:40

get it. Yeah. And then, like, or something you need and then you, like,

25:42

wash your hand off.

25:43

Yeah. It's happening. So what's

25:45

a shit show? What's that? You shit,

25:46

and then you go straight to the shower.

25:48

No wipe. No wipe in? Yeah. I

25:50

don't I'm still white, but I'm still white.

25:52

You still white at mango shower? Yeah.

25:54

I've experimented with it. It depends on chunky.

25:56

If you got chunky left, like, you wanna get some of

25:58

that chunky out before the shower.

25:59

The the other thing too, I don't have I don't

26:01

have, like, AAYA machine in my

26:03

apartment or

26:04

-- Yeah. -- so I'd have to, like, dispose.

26:07

I could do I'd have to, like, go to the laundromat

26:09

to give like, the rag taken care

26:10

of. Like, I buy rag. You don't use a rag?

26:12

No. You wash your hand and the flow. The hand

26:15

wash is very clear. Do understand if

26:17

you go

26:17

right. See,

26:18

like, I wanna be, like, this is why people should

26:20

have try not to be that eye, but that's

26:22

when

26:22

you already What people don't

26:23

watch their hair?

26:24

Yeah. That's what I mean. Right? People

26:26

don't be watch I was always

26:29

They hands, be

26:31

stinking.

26:31

Yeah.

26:32

Yeah. That's crazy that you're that you're just

26:34

watching your ass with your beard. Well,

26:36

I did a

26:36

one that I didn't

26:38

took me. It's not the normal. Not that I don't think it's white

26:40

people's stuff. But yeah. And then your hand gets

26:42

cleaned in the in the flow in

26:43

the next show. If I understand this Asian event

26:45

good question. It's what? It's

26:46

it's more of an Asian thing. I think Yeah. Exactly. I'm

26:48

sort of get used my meta. Yeah.

26:52

Yeah. I guess, I I've done that once as an

26:54

experiment or something about it. Shush

26:56

hour. The shit show. But, like, you gotta be careful

26:58

with the jobless. What was the experiment? Like, what was the experiment?

27:00

Like, what was the experiment? You know what? I'm just on

27:02

thesis. I believe it. Yeah. Towers

27:04

will not a plain I'm like, you know what?

27:07

I

27:07

take I I just had to do it ten

27:09

times just because I'm a I'm a scientist.

27:12

I can just do it once. Yeah. I hate it.

27:14

How is it if I don't share? What

27:17

if yeah. What if I shower, Dan? Shit.

27:20

It is it's that's another one if you have the shower,

27:23

Dan, you need a shit. It killed

27:24

Exactly. Bad timing. Yeah. You gotta

27:26

at least

27:26

wash it. Oh, yeah. The shit right after the shower

27:28

would've wasted. Yeah.

27:29

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wait. Do you

27:31

ever get out of the pool to shit?

27:34

Yeah. That's horrible, isn't it? Why?

27:36

Because you're wet and you're wet and you go

27:38

sit

27:38

down. While your body is wet and you're

27:40

having a shit

27:41

That's horrible. Yeah. I could disgust

27:43

him

27:44

feeling. Have you guys ever done coking

27:46

about them? Yeah.

27:47

What? The first time I ever did it was in the

27:49

bathroom. Really? Yeah.

27:50

I guess, have to in Edinburgh. I've done it

27:53

in bathrooms. Yeah.

27:54

So right here, you would be probably ripping

27:56

it on where your drink is or on this

27:58

guy, but probably where

27:59

this is pretty standard. Right? The back, the

28:00

pork belly? Yeah. I I think that was the

28:02

This has a crack right here. Yeah.

28:03

But you would probably do it along here maybe. Yeah.

28:06

You know, if you can. But you might like it's

28:08

less disgusting. Have you ever done off toilet seat?

28:10

No. No. No. No. I just got off my hand

28:12

at about Of

28:13

course.

28:13

Yeah. Yeah. Keep bumps and badger. Keep bumps down. Yeah.

28:15

Because it's also like Coke is the only one that you

28:18

really can't let anybody see you

28:19

do. It's even heroin. At some point,

28:21

if you're too deep into it, you're like, I'm just shooting up

28:24

daylighting apart. Why do you feel

28:25

they weigh about Coke? I feel like Coke. In my mind That

28:27

they don't let's go to the bathroom. They don't

28:29

just do it their tail. They don't it's like they can't

28:31

let anyone else see you do it.

28:32

Okay. Yeah.

28:34

They can know, but it's like they know how disgusting

28:36

it is. Yeah. Yeah. Or what they'll do is I've

28:38

had some some will go in, they'll cut up

28:40

some lines, and then they're like they'll, like, leave

28:42

it there, like, behind it. They'll,

28:44

like, leave it behind, like, some tissue or something,

28:47

like, some toilet

28:47

roll, and then they'll come out and, like, it's in there, so then you go

28:50

in.

28:50

You can't all just be going into

28:51

the line together. Right. Because, like, no. No. We're just fucking

28:53

each other in the butt. Yeah. Yeah. That's not what you

28:55

think.

28:57

Yeah.

28:57

I just ripped this butt apart and slid my dick

28:59

side. It's all. At the stand comedy

29:01

club and Union Square, go there.

29:04

Yeah. They have, like, a shelf. An unnecessary

29:06

shelf in the middle of the bathroom. In

29:09

the cubicle. Yeah. And it's black

29:11

except for the bin in the middle that's been

29:13

chopped down from credit

29:14

cards. It's

29:15

just one down to the wood. There

29:18

are a lot of notice to focus back

29:20

in yard. The Coke shelf is so funny

29:23

when the when the owners go. We don't

29:25

need a shelf. We

29:26

don't need a shelf.

29:27

That clientele need a shelf.

29:29

I saw this thing online, like, last week or

29:31

so, it was, like, a mirror right

29:32

up just like

29:33

the toilet. I heard that though. That might have been

29:35

me moving on the on the chair.

29:37

Oh. I wanna make sure this is good. But go ahead. You

29:39

saw a thing. Oh, yeah. Just they had, like, a mirror

29:41

and a dew. It would look like confusing because right over

29:43

the toilet. I was like, he's trying to look at your dick or

29:45

son, but it turns up. Like,

29:47

it's clearly a coke mirror. Like, it turns

29:49

up to be Yeah.

29:50

Slash. Oh, wow. Like, right about the toilet.

29:53

Yeah. I know. I can't I don't know if I'm describing it right,

29:55

but No. I understand. I haven't quite understood the

29:57

egg the merit. I I have

29:59

it. I

29:59

have it because you can see there's nothing left.

30:01

Is that

30:01

weird? There'd be, like, there might be a

30:03

Oh, is that the view? Like, a grade or two. Because I can

30:05

test it. Right? I I thought it was just to make

30:07

it look like it wasn't definitely for Coke.

30:09

Like, that's Makes

30:10

sense. Or you mean, like, we're doing it on a mirror

30:12

in general yet? Oh, Coke. I used have a little

30:14

Coke mirror. Actually I bought Dude,

30:16

I I went to oh, really? I

30:17

just bought it to have it yet. I I went to

30:19

David Bowie exhibit. David Bowie experience

30:22

No. The exhibit. It was just a traveler when I was sick.

30:24

I was out of Melbourne first, and

30:26

and it was cool, but they had a whole

30:29

display case of his Coke

30:30

spoons. Wow. Yeah. They didn't buy away

30:32

from any part of their

30:33

boat. The whole spoons. Yeah. And it was, like, these

30:35

beautifully and, like, blazing the What

30:37

was it what the sales reps what do you

30:38

mean? What do you those tiny spots like that? I'm thinking

30:41

like a teaspoon or tablespoon or small like

30:43

that. Like that.

30:43

Girl and cruel attention. Remember, she has the necklace?

30:45

Uh-huh. And

30:46

she'll pull it out. That's kinda It's not even

30:48

necklace in your country.

30:49

What? It's

30:50

not even necklace in your country.

30:51

Nicholas. What it But I say it's not even

30:53

a fucking eye. What is it, sir? What is the necklace?

30:56

Necklace.

30:57

That's not necklace. I

30:58

don't know. I I have to say necklace. I don't like it.

31:01

Anyway. No.

31:01

Correct? Did

31:02

you get back home? That's an Irish thing. Oh.

31:04

I love it. You could just be wrong. No. That's it.

31:06

I was, like, I did that a lot of noise.

31:09

There's a bathroom at some cigar lounge

31:11

in, like, midtown. That Bobby

31:14

and Moe and Bertrand took me to, and it's

31:16

all glass. So you're pissing the urine, your

31:18

fifty floors up, pissing and just looking

31:20

at

31:20

city. Oh, nice. He feels wonderful. That

31:23

would be sick. There we Someone else skyscraper

31:25

views in New York. If you have if you're sitting

31:27

there having a shit, Just plotting. You're

31:29

just plotting your enemies to demise.

31:32

That's it.

31:33

Yeah. The the rich when

31:35

you're in rich people's houses like with the views.

31:37

You do get a

31:38

You do get, like, I wouldn't want anyone around me.

31:40

Let's keep those people down.

31:42

You get a little bit. Yeah. And it's

31:44

crushing the rock,

31:45

killing Bob. Bunnies me. I

31:47

thought he's neighbors get shocked. Dude, I'm

31:51

just being in a regular house. I I

31:53

got a ten million dollars

31:54

home. He was like he was like, yeah, I got ten

31:57

Yeah. Yeah. Have y'all ever

31:59

shit outside? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

32:02

Yeah. We picked me and O'Neil, and man, I go,

32:04

we just dig holes and fucking do it one

32:06

time a year or two

32:07

ago.

32:07

Just before I say, like, Campbell. Share woods. Yeah.

32:09

Camp. Yeah. Camp. Does understand.

32:12

So Barry, I'm one time I was on hike with O'Neil,

32:14

and I could not shit I had to

32:15

shit. Yeah. And then I had to wipe my ass

32:17

out with some Pepsi. I

32:19

would just like to pour water up there, like, some Pepsi

32:21

water. Think

32:22

it was Pepsi. I don't know if that's Is it minimum

32:24

water? You know what I mean?

32:25

It was little touch made that I rubbed the

32:26

Pepsi challenge. That might be a move because they

32:29

have to splash a little Pepsi.

32:31

Oh, I don't have a pair of Pepsi

32:34

on their ass.

32:38

You watch your ass a bit. Let her

32:40

off just letting her dry. No.

32:42

Gotta go shit out. I think you just let her

32:44

dry and let her flake

32:45

off. Do you

32:46

think it's sticky? Cheeks a hair, was

32:48

it?

32:48

Oh, you could not. Yeah. Maybe it wasn't Pepsi. You gotta

32:50

answer all over

32:51

your ass. You gotta be able to keep

32:53

walking. You gotta keep walking.

32:55

Check

32:56

Full complete. You

32:57

got bees covered already. Yeah. Yeah.

33:00

Wait. This is that I've gotta tell you this is

33:03

really bad look for us amongst the white He's

33:06

going out here. He's going out here. He saw us feeling last night.

33:09

Yeah. They're watching our ass with water. Yeah.

33:11

I'm going back to the community with the information.

33:14

Guys, guys. There's nothing to fear.

33:17

These people are barely getting

33:18

mad.

33:19

I promise you. Whit Pepsi. Whit fuck

33:21

your pants. Yeah.

33:24

Shitting outside, well, the worst to go back to

33:26

the worst shit's ever, like, music festivals.

33:28

Those

33:28

were the funniest time you can do that beyond that.

33:30

Drug Dye area. So you have to. Do

33:33

music festivals. Like, that kind of public

33:37

porta potty is the worst. It's still

33:39

even there. I was like,

33:40

like, like, I have to shit. It is. Yeah.

33:43

Yeah. I used to work in construction. We had these

33:46

big porta potties. And the days that they

33:48

would, like, change him out -- Yeah. --

33:50

was so fucking joyful. I had, like,

33:52

a week where I had to use a porta potty

33:54

exclusively because my parent, like, got a bathroom, like,

33:56

my parents I got fucked up. Mhmm. We had this work

33:58

that had to be done on it. It took, like, a week for

34:00

auto work to be done. So we just had

34:02

a porta

34:03

potty, like, placed next to the house, and that

34:05

was what we had to do

34:07

for -- Oh. -- maybe not whole

34:09

week, but, like, it was a lot of us. It

34:11

was because my parents did foster care.

34:13

So it was, like, my parents, me, other

34:15

kids, my sister, my brother, like,

34:18

it was too many people to just

34:20

have one porta potty

34:21

for, like, a week. We it will come in empty in this

34:23

ship, but it'll still just and it's out

34:26

front in your block. Like It's just with

34:27

the wind, it moves. Yeah. But you get

34:30

you know what's funny? I I feel weaker

34:32

not using a porta potty anymore. Like that

34:34

because that daily struggle when I worked in

34:36

construction. It's stunk. It was

34:38

freeze and in the winter. It smells like she

34:40

that just some guys from different countries who would

34:43

stand or squat. Yeah. So

34:45

there'll be just cement fucking prints

34:47

on the side of it. Oh. They and it stinks.

34:49

And,

34:50

like, one of those and I'm

34:52

milking it because I'm off work from sitting there

34:54

in stinky shit for ten minutes and

34:56

freezing. And

34:56

that's finding your peace. But now, but I feel

34:59

like I was a I was a tofirmer and maybe

35:01

stronger. Like, I get them through that every

35:03

day was

35:03

like, I felt like

35:05

You were a man. I felt yeah. I'm

35:07

too soft now. Indoor is

35:09

shitting as a luxury.

35:11

I'm not I'm not trying to keep doing the black white

35:13

thing. I'm really not I really

35:15

not. But that's another thing I I think about with

35:17

you guys sometimes the things

35:18

that make y'all feel like powerful or

35:20

so weird, sometimes, What is it with you? Holding

35:22

a gun sideways? Yeah. Have you done it? Well,

35:24

yeah.

35:25

Ryan Ryan words. You

35:28

go to a ratio. You're gun sideways. It's

35:30

not. It's bouncing around. I don't hit you.

35:33

Yeah. Kill somebody you didn't mean to.

35:35

That's perfect. How

35:37

do you feel about spread back to bathrooms? How you

35:39

feel about the hand dryers,

35:42

two styles to pump and down, you know, with the

35:44

button, the put your hands in and move them up

35:46

a little bit. The Dyson

35:47

or towels.

35:48

I prefer towels. I prefer towels.

35:51

Me too. I heard towels. They say it's it's better

35:53

for environment

35:54

to do the hand dryer. How how can that

35:56

be? How can you get drier, more cleaner.

35:58

Oh, definitely environment. So dicey. The

36:00

dice in hand things, they can fuck right

36:02

off. That's crazy. Because also

36:04

you gotta get to your you get a hot spot. It's

36:06

been your hands, like, a weird yet. Yeah.

36:09

Wait. And then I'm looking at

36:10

you. Can you, like, sorry. Sorry.

36:11

Sorry. I'm I'm yeah. You gotta, like,

36:13

do a little like

36:14

And if it's a Android, I I like a Android

36:16

that has a, like, a button that big button to

36:18

smack. So it'll smack with your

36:20

elbow. I just constantly touch it. They also

36:22

say I link it some That's why I go all about it. They

36:24

also say those things, like, they're they're sucking in air

36:26

from inside the bathroom, the blow to air at. You

36:28

see it's like

36:28

shitting in your hands. Get a shit air. While they're

36:30

wet, so it's caking in shit. That's all. That's

36:33

great point.

36:33

Yeah. But you grow. You grow new to it.

36:36

All times West is the real town

36:38

that keeps twisting off. Praise.

36:40

Where's that where's that going? I wanna

36:42

see what it goes in

36:43

a while. Yeah. And

36:45

it goes up a curls around and draws and then

36:47

give you back out.

36:48

Does it dry? Or does it run out? And then they have

36:50

to change and I don't know if that goes back up. It's

36:52

like I thought it's

36:53

not paper. Right?

36:55

I thought it kinda got to an end. Then they were

36:57

like, we take it out and wash it and bring it back or

36:59

so. It's

37:00

just most crowded, sir. I bet you

37:02

go around. Oh, okay. I bet you plenty of places don't.

37:04

Big lower

37:04

carousel. Yeah. Yeah. They just put a

37:06

shape back in. That's like, hey, don't forget to change

37:08

the bathroom roll before you leave them. I'm like, okay.

37:10

That's done. Yeah. You're right. towels

37:12

are great. The problem is with a lot of this automatic

37:15

shit. Right. They don't work, and they fuck

37:17

it

37:17

up. Yeah. And they fucked it. So

37:19

I've I've a story from I was in

37:22

India

37:23

Airport. Yeah. And I'm having a huge shift.

37:25

Hungover just arrived there. And

37:27

the the toilets like this and

37:30

I'm juicy and I'm, like, courtesy.

37:33

I'm, like, wiping the lock because it was massive.

37:35

But keep leaning like that and look my

37:37

back

37:38

set off the the box. Yes.

37:40

Yes. So while I'm leaning over to wipe,

37:43

it's like and I'm like, that's fine. Whatever. It doesn't

37:45

make it much a difference, and I'm wiping, and it's

37:47

pushed, and then, like, whatever. It's a sun I

37:49

don't feel the sprinkles on, like, the back of me nuts

37:52

kinda.

37:52

Yeah. I'm, like, on jeez. That's powerful. Like, because you don't

37:54

normally flush while you're sitting there and then

37:56

I felt my fucking balls get away and

37:59

I fucking stood up. I blocked

38:01

the back, I blocked the toilet with

38:03

my shear, and I was piling on top of

38:05

it. Oh. And every time I moved, it was

38:07

flushing and flushing. And it flew it's

38:09

a lot of shit. And it started

38:11

coming out over, like, the site. I had to, like, fucking

38:13

and it

38:14

just it

38:14

just flew like, my shit was flown and

38:16

just flooded all over the life. And I just

38:19

got the forecast out. So

38:21

if you work out hertz,

38:23

if

38:24

you work Here it's Car Rental in Indiana.

38:26

That was me.

38:29

That might be the day somebody lost their mind.

38:32

Just walked in, like, walked off.

38:34

Know because it would've been and it was like there was floaters

38:36

and I was like, dad, I don't come over the edge.

38:39

Yeah. Once it gets to that level.

38:40

Because the other cubicle, some guy wants to just have water

38:42

coming in, oh, we gotta flush

38:43

a

38:44

shit

38:44

like our spark. It's because you can't pinch a

38:46

shit. It's crazy too. But but why no

38:48

one needs these sensors. It's crazy.

38:50

Yeah. It's like

38:51

people

38:51

will flush a shit.

38:52

Yeah. Yeah. And

38:53

then also that sensitive work and the hands never

38:55

works. The hands never works?

38:56

That one works too well and the hand

38:58

ones will never

38:59

work. I hate the the tops of the worst one.

39:01

The test. When they have automatic taps.

39:04

Oh,

39:04

taps. So Yeah. Yeah.

39:06

Okay. Okay. Yeah. They have automatic taps.

39:08

That's bad because it don't doesn't get out right.

39:10

Yeah. What's your favorite tap? Here we

39:12

go. That's good one. Your style of Okay.

39:15

Fosterville. To push down and slowly

39:17

go up if the slowly is longer Yeah.

39:19

You give me a good twenty

39:20

seconds. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. If you don't want to stick,

39:22

but sometimes, like, and you get one hand and you

39:25

get one hand full of soap. Yeah. You get one hand full of soap. Yes. I'm so

39:27

Yeah. You don't have time. You're right. And you

39:29

almost dry washing there because it's like so hard

39:31

to yes. I wanna be

39:32

able to wash both hits completely on

39:35

the and then to touch any handles.

39:37

Yeah. Then be clean. Yeah. Well, you know, the

39:39

problem in Europe is a lot of times they have two taps.

39:41

One is for hot and one is for

39:43

cold. Burn cold. I know. It's crazy.

39:45

Yeah. Freezing. I'm burning. And you're just like Oh, you can't

39:47

do, like, meaty. No. Because it's just one on one

39:49

time. I wonder what's up separately. Yeah.

39:51

Yeah. It's crazy. I don't know who to fuck,

39:53

decided that. Yeah. Before we get too

39:55

far for you, you know, it's a nice thing in the bathroom when

39:57

you have, like, when you have really good paper

39:59

towels. Like, they feel almost cloth like, you

40:01

feel like you're in a nice

40:03

place. Yeah. Yeah. Or you

40:04

have a door nice question, and they each have a bed. We can

40:06

throw them in the bed.

40:07

Yeah. So, like, we're gonna wash

40:08

this. Yeah.

40:08

No. No one's that and and throw him

40:10

into thing.

40:11

Oh, no. I've never

40:12

been there. was throwing a spa. Right.

40:14

Wow. Yeah. Nice baths. Changes

40:17

a lot of stuff. Yeah. You know, other

40:19

than in some buyers where they where we

40:21

work and they especially they're like, we have a

40:23

pristine bachelor. And, like, they they'll they'll

40:25

focus on making sure that the girls have a good bachelor

40:27

when there's like

40:28

tampons, raddy photo, and it's like nice, and

40:30

it's fucking Oh, no. It's good. You ever go

40:32

to a girl's bathroom? If you have the option,

40:34

especially in a comic that I have to hours, always

40:36

go to the girls. Oh, really?

40:37

Yeah. I mean, they'll feel weird why is the seat up, but,

40:39

like, it's so much cleaner. Yeah. So so

40:41

much

40:42

nicer. I love the idea of, like, yeah. I'm not gonna

40:44

put the

40:44

seat up. They'll feel weird.

40:45

They'll come in a bit. That's what the the women

40:47

are

40:47

always complaining because women piss all over the seats because

40:50

women squat.

40:50

When the women is a disgusting.

40:52

They they

40:52

got lost,

40:53

but they are the worst ones.

40:53

They are the worst ones.

40:55

Are worst ones. Fucking animals. Animals.

40:57

Bitches. Pissling all over the city. What's the other

40:59

what's the worst I don't like the twists because,

41:01

you know, twist off. But if it if it a good one. You

41:04

could twist it off your

41:04

hand. Because

41:05

sometimes,

41:05

like, this is just this is the this is

41:07

the flappy one. Not a twist. It's like you'll just,

41:09

like, lift it. Lift it. Alright. The little bad

41:11

one. Sometimes, you gotta, like, go like this get

41:13

it up. Sometimes you got it for it. Yeah. I like those

41:15

in a public bathroom. I hated it somewhere

41:17

like I'm staying. Like, if it's in a hotel

41:19

or something like that or

41:20

sinks. It's five in that sweet

41:22

That's the sweet spot, you'll show that's the revolution.

41:24

That's what January six was really all about. You

41:26

you don't know that. Yeah. They wanted

41:28

those outlaws to Metro Systems back. Yeah.

41:31

Do you have a

41:32

You ever fucking a bathroom?

41:33

Yeah. Lowe's? I

41:35

only did once. It was a good time it was after

41:39

no problem. No song. In a public bathroom?

41:41

No. This was a hotel bathroom. But it was

41:43

with my I had, like, my friend was outside

41:45

in the, like, living

41:46

room, like, the regular hotel

41:48

area. Together. And

41:49

I went in the bath firm.

41:50

So house party is tough because you gotta walk out of there

41:52

together. And and somebody's gotta waiting for you when you

41:54

get out. Yeah. I mean, that wasn't in house

41:56

party. It was

41:56

just, like, just He just invited this girl

41:58

and a cousin over.

42:00

Nice. Like, well, I used a barton, so

42:02

did a union hall once. Oh,

42:03

you did a union hall? They have separate bathrooms

42:05

there. In the downstairs, you go to union hall.

42:08

No. In Brooklyn?

42:09

It's a boxy ball upstairs.

42:11

know. The Broadway shows. Yeah. Yeah. Oh,

42:13

yeah. And then downstairs but each one is a separate one

42:15

and the the triggers are, like, I was like,

42:16

yeah. She

42:17

just said she had the eye?

42:18

No. I was dating. No. But it was, like, yeah. And then we

42:20

just it was just up. But there's, like, eight of them. So no

42:22

one was gonna wait.

42:23

Yeah. And then

42:23

it's, like, when you come out, it's at look of, like,

42:26

look first, like, choose one person, look first.

42:28

Yeah. And

42:28

then, like, go and then, like, wait. Wait.

42:30

Wait. Now go. Yeah. And the the the best

42:32

thing about bathroom

42:34

fuck It's a very selfish. It's a very

42:36

male selfish fuck because You

42:39

can't get a girl. You can't, like, I'm gonna go down

42:41

you. We're gonna go for a while. Yeah. You got time.

42:43

There's money here. We can't be in there. So

42:45

you're like yeah. So it's

42:47

a couple of couple of couple of pumps and

42:49

the pumps are best.

42:50

Yeah. Yeah. But that's, like, that's the part of the

42:52

king. She knows she's not done a fucking kill.

42:54

Yeah. I'm

42:54

pissed. I knew it. I knew that the problem

42:57

is I don't want your pissed

42:58

because Well, I'll I'll block it. I'll block I don't

43:00

know. Your pissing got me too close to my face.

43:02

I appreciate it here. But

43:05

Well, I bet she's on a

43:06

stink. Everything I everything about Irish stinks.

43:10

It is body You

43:11

just body wise is like I know he's he's

43:13

I know his piss Really? No.

43:15

Not always. Really? I just I

43:17

have some I

43:18

promise

43:19

he's got some sort of fucking kidney infection.

43:21

Yeah. And this is gone. No.

43:22

Poop. Pups are always bloody.

43:24

Oh my god. Everyone. I mean, more

43:27

often than not. That's nuts. It is nuts.

43:29

Have you gotten a check? Took a nice bloody one

43:31

today.

43:32

Oh, man. I worried about

43:33

it. No. I've gotten a check Okay. Alright. They said

43:35

it's just hemorrhoids.

43:37

Yeah. This is not the end of the world.

43:39

Yeah. I tried to put the rubber bands on them. It

43:41

just doesn't work. It's also

43:44

this little It's also not as great extreme. Yeah.

43:46

That's all you say. It's a mona. Where

43:48

are you taking

43:49

breaks? What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm doing a little nervous. We

43:51

can

43:51

get those the pop pop the s o s's.

43:53

No. That's your that's your old age now, man.

43:55

Yeah. That's your prostate acting up. I'm

43:57

a one streamer. I

44:00

I mean, you gotta go. Because those

44:04

are Tracy Moore The only the only time I pisses weird like this

44:06

is if I got a hard dick. Like, I'm trying to piss, like

44:08

-- Yeah. -- bonus

44:09

piss. Yeah. But

44:11

I understand. Yeah. Alright. That didn't

44:13

smell. don't think It

44:15

did not smell.

44:15

IIII feel that we're gonna get and

44:18

reek of some time. I

44:21

saw

44:21

Jason working at the old stand. And you saw some

44:23

kids, whatever, some guys. He was like, how old do

44:25

you can't do the voice, but they're like

44:27

twenty six six. Twenty six. I bet you I bet

44:29

you pissed hard. I'll

44:34

piss hard you must piss off. He's

44:36

so funny. He's so funny.

44:39

How you piss it? I'm pissing. I thought

44:41

you piss Oh, you.

44:46

My Tracy Morgan's, like, pretty much the same as my down

44:48

syndrome version. It's always like, oh, really?

44:51

But you piss

44:52

hard, but you piss hard. That's

44:53

not bad for, like, I can't do it.

44:54

I'm gonna make you pregnant.

44:56

Yeah.

44:57

I got enough. I'm a I can't I got enough.

44:59

He's been another public guy too long. Yeah. When you watch

45:01

him a lot on a thirty rock, then you could do it. Yeah.

45:03

And And

45:06

who are your best for bathrooms? Stuck

45:10

oh, y'all never

45:10

said wouldn't let the nicest ones y'all have been, and we started

45:12

with that. And I started Oh, yeah. I did go too hard at

45:14

the

45:15

beginning. You must have been in some fucking I'm

45:19

I'm in some, like, ritzy places.

45:21

I'm trying to think, like, nice hotels.

45:24

Yeah. Nate's guest room in

45:27

his place. Oh. Get his guest room

45:29

had a shower with, like, five

45:30

heads. Yeah. This is before Nate on

45:32

Netflix. So

45:33

it was just a

45:33

regular national prices. And just,

45:35

like, it hit you from all sides. Did they see so

45:38

good. Like,

45:38

you yeah. Hi. Listen to music.

45:41

Getting an all over shower. It it this

45:43

is what

45:43

angle is Shaffir's fucking let

45:45

you You're all gonna spit it on.

45:47

Audibly. Go Oh. Yeah.

45:49

Like, after mushroom trip when I hit the water.

45:51

Oh, yeah. Like,

45:53

Bath?

45:54

Bath is nice. Not a hotel. Never You

45:56

know, Jeff?

45:57

I used to love baths. I I don't have a situation

46:00

for that now, but Well, you're the best one to fit in

46:02

one. No way at all. didn't like,

46:04

you're doing the school school, you know. School

46:08

Burbank. One of those, yeah, doing those

46:11

metal tubs. Yeah. Yeah. Like, a

46:13

Russian He's wearing a little hand

46:14

tossed. That's a towel. Yeah. That's

46:17

tough. Yeah.

46:18

Got my little duck.

46:19

Corey and Nate. He's tiny little water princess.

46:26

What do you think about a separate bathroom these

46:28

happen in New York? Toilet one room.

46:31

Shower than the other right next to

46:33

each other.

46:33

Hate it if it's the only one of each.

46:36

Love it. Because then you can shower when someone's

46:38

taking shit or you can take a shit while someone's already

46:40

showered. Opens up the

46:41

game. It does make shit showering a little harder

46:43

because you gotta go public for a second.

46:44

Oh, you can never shit shower if it's not in the same

46:46

room. We can do it, but you can watch it. You gotta be

46:48

careful. One of your job. Cup.

46:51

You

46:51

cup it with your hands. That's correct. At this point,

46:54

the ball is just reckless. I make

46:55

over thirty thousand dollars a year. Get

46:58

on a pangolin across. You're doing

47:00

the pangolin across. Well, I don't like about

47:02

this. I like turn like, if I'm somebody's around,

47:04

like, a future boss, I turn on a force

47:06

over

47:06

to, like, shower if I don't know it's gonna be a

47:08

loud one. Like, I don't wanna hear her here. This loudest.

47:10

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You've got a shower

47:12

for a while. Yeah. You can't do that in that

47:14

situation. You

47:15

True. True. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's

47:18

true. That's true. That's true.

47:19

That's true. That's true. That's true.

47:22

That's true. That's true. That's true.

47:23

I don't know. don't know.

47:23

A fuck. She's gotta know what's going on.

47:25

He doesn't respect you. You respect your guys. That's definitely

47:27

Yeah.

47:27

It's still a little to the inspector.

47:29

No. It's a little to the inspector.

47:31

You don't you haven't matter. I I used to

47:33

I used to wipe my butt and then in, like, third

47:35

row countries and then you don't have to throw away in the garbage,

47:37

but I can never do that on a

47:38

girl. So I just wrap it with, like, toilet

47:40

paper and take it with me and throw it outside. Interesting.

47:43

What do you

47:43

do? What

47:44

say that again? Like, you you gotta have a

47:46

trash can like this. Mhmm. That's

47:48

what's for each other. Oh, you don't get a

47:49

shit. They're they're things getting

47:51

handled. But I'm not

47:52

leaving a fucking shit water at my own shit toilet

47:54

b. Shit, shit, and blood -- Yeah. -- for someone

47:56

else to see. That's

47:57

crazy.

47:57

Yeah. So No.

48:00

Yeah. The night didn't and how long And they

48:02

gonna take

48:03

to turn over this room? I

48:04

think it's almost done. You

48:05

think it's what's done. Hopefully,

48:07

we're supposed to start three minutes ago. What the right?

48:09

Yeah. It's

48:09

on the show nine thirty? Nine thirty. Yeah. It's it's

48:11

nine thirty. We got our fastest time. Yeah.

48:14

Yeah. There's a lot of people out there

48:16

too. You don't realize how many Shaffir's, and he'll just

48:18

look. Yeah. But always, just just

48:20

so there's a famous But in

48:22

Dublin, wherever it goes to it's a place called Brown

48:24

Thomas, which is, I guess, like, the equivalent of

48:26

Macy's or something.

48:27

Just a famous bathroom with the Brown Thomas. But

48:29

it's like the it's public bathroom that on graft

48:31

history, that if you need a shit, you'll go. I'll go

48:33

to Brown Thomas because it's they only sell,

48:35

like, luxury goods, like, you know, whatever,

48:38

la Casta and I'll go to Polish. Louis

48:40

Vuitton. So but but those bathrooms

48:42

Tyrrell, like, sweet. So, like, the best

48:44

public bathroom. I just went in Midtown East, and I was,

48:46

like, I got a shit. Yeah.

48:48

I think it was after New Year's. So it's a moly at

48:50

me, maybe. And I was like, I gotta shit.

48:52

And so I'm walking around. I'm going from,

48:54

like, a I'm I'm looking for a studio for my new podcast.

48:57

You've been on there. You don't travel. Yeah.

49:00

And then I find a hotel. I'm like, okay. They're not

49:02

stopping me. I go to the back. It's not there. Then I then

49:04

I have, like, you you can't just shit no

49:07

Like, they so I started talking and just

49:09

sitting there for a

49:09

while. And I'm talking but I'm talking to nobody.

49:12

But

49:12

No. I mean, yeah, she might, but

49:14

I don't know. Why why do you think until

49:16

they told people forget it. And then I kept talking, I walked

49:18

around, found them. Individual

49:20

clean -- Yeah. -- you

49:21

feel so good when you just --

49:24

Mhmm. -- our gift the universe gives you a

49:26

clean, private. I mean, you're

49:28

not as big as this. That is one of the best. It might feel

49:30

like you might just coat down to the floor way

49:32

over

49:32

there. Nice. It's not near water.

49:34

Yeah. A little better than you expected. Like, we're talking

49:36

to just, like, oh, this is God given. Yeah.

49:39

Return some text messages. Yeah. And then just

49:42

Go on there.

49:42

Go on. See to let to catch me now. Yeah.

49:44

The government need to focus out supply and better

49:47

public bathrooms. That should be, like, you know, that that

49:49

should be a platform that one runs

49:50

on. I will will give you good bathroom.

49:52

Good public bathrooms. The mayor Where's more tax money

49:54

going? Yeah. It was the instead of hiring more TSA,

49:57

we're gonna hire

49:57

bathrooms. Yeah. One last drone blown up

49:59

the Middle East.

50:00

What me a fuck? Just one.

50:02

Don't go crazy. You still

50:04

got no let him know who's boss.

50:05

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do? I'm

50:07

a

50:07

wedding on a Saturday.

50:09

That's true. That's true.

50:11

It's more of our it's more inviting to their upper chest.

50:14

Right. I took the like, Michael Jordan,

50:16

I took the other disrespect.

50:18

You see Michael Jordan slap that guy? No.

50:21

Not a oh, what's the player? Not the player?

50:23

Yeah. I okay.

50:28

He's like, I am the greatest. Yeah. What are you gonna

50:31

do? Yeah. I was like And you're here with the ball

50:33

hockey there. What about

50:35

the don't know if they do this in England, but in I

50:37

mean, in Ireland, England

50:39

life. But if they do this in

50:40

in, like, London where you're having, like, public squares

50:42

or there's parks on up, like, those urinal cubes,

50:45

four urinals, and they'll do it pretty much

50:47

every

50:47

corner of heart. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. These guys are

50:49

pissing outside. Yeah. And so instead of saying

50:51

don't, campaign was like, can you just use

50:53

the Urals we set

50:54

up? Yeah.

50:55

Intra yeah. That's because everyone's coming out drunk

50:57

and just Everyone out of

50:58

Facebook. Yeah. So they just have these public thing. It's only

51:01

a urinal. It's just like an open air

51:03

urinal thing. It's like a forced

51:05

Outside? Outside.

51:06

Yeah. It's like a punch. Imagine the summertime. Yeah.

51:08

Imagine the summertime. In, like, in,

51:11

like, in Washington Square Park. Yeah. You

51:13

know? And everyone's coming out

51:15

just, like, hap, just in the corner, just a place piss.

51:17

Yeah. No. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah.

51:19

I once got when I first moved

51:21

to America, I was on the train on the way home,

51:24

and I was dying for a piss. Like, I was

51:26

drunk, and I was dying, and I had to get off early

51:28

because I was like, that's the piss was like, I

51:30

ran upstairs and, like, out at

51:32

this station and I just pissing somewhere in And

51:34

I swear to god, I'm just like, oh, like

51:37

it was a

51:37

lot. And then I said, I was like, sir, and

51:39

I told her that it does a cop

51:40

dish. Oh. Yeah. And I was like, oh, shit. Get

51:42

on. I finished it. And then he was like,

51:44

we were talking. And

51:46

and he was like, you can't piss

51:49

on the street. I was like, I was like,

51:50

know. I know. But, like I gotta I gotta look.

51:52

I don't know. I was gonna

51:53

piss my pants or to what? It was

51:55

coming out. No. Do I still get a fine if I piss my

51:57

pants? Like, how are you allowed? Are

52:00

you allowed piss your pants

52:01

legally. Yeah.

52:02

Because that's still pissing on this. No. That's still

52:04

pissing.

52:05

It's just but he I just told him I was

52:07

from Ireland, and then he's like, oh, my my Irish.

52:09

He's like, get it. Don't worry about it. No. I get it. Yeah.

52:11

So, again, another situation. Just play

52:13

it off your little white privilege. Yeah. Little

52:15

white privilege

52:16

going, no. It's Irish. It's the same thing which I think

52:18

Cherilyn dewood. Share a joke, she goes,

52:20

while people I'll be honest with you, sometimes we just claim

52:22

racism, so appreciate we can go. That's

52:25

the Irish chick too.

52:26

Yeah. Well, Ira feeling alright.

52:29

Yeah.

52:30

Yeah. Absolutely.

52:30

Maybe get some fries out of this. She's just doing

52:32

some rocket funny.

52:34

When was when was that something you pissed your pants?

52:36

Oh, I swear that it has to

52:39

be I I pissed my pants

52:41

a bit, a wee bit. Yeah. You know, I've had

52:43

those. Yeah. I was like, oh, shit.

52:45

Mine would have been in in my sleep. I'd drink

52:47

his sleep.

52:48

Oh, Shaffir's not a girl once. Nice.

52:50

Yeah. Just, like, waking, like, off.

52:52

Yeah. Hell yeah. This is like tripped over. Yeah.

52:55

Damn it. Yeah. It's like and

52:57

then you're like, how do I explain this? How do I cover it up? And,

52:59

like, they can't cover it? Yeah. mean, you can't dry

53:01

this. She's sleeping. Fuck. Scott,

53:03

a letter wake

53:04

up. Yeah. Yeah.

53:05

A friend of mine He's like, dude, if he writes, so I was

53:07

gonna wait to see if the the mom finds sister

53:10

with no head and he's just waiting up on for your,

53:12

like,

53:15

friend of mine pissed of bad. He's at a woman like Sam with

53:17

a girl. Oh. And he said he pissed of bad. Right?

53:19

And he sort of woke up, and he said, like,

53:21

I don't know, actually tried to pretend he was asleep,

53:23

that she woke up, and then she and then she

53:26

was, like, Like, last night was great. She was, like, look

53:28

how wet I made the bed or something. But he had the

53:30

he Slated off.

53:31

Yeah. She thought it was her pussy

53:33

juice. And he told her he had his

53:35

the bat. That's a lot of confidence. That's a lot.

53:38

Of course. Right. lot of what you think

53:40

she

53:41

You know, you're the busy on the plane. And

53:43

then he was gonna be like, wait, is that your normal?

53:45

Did I not get you to your

53:46

normal? Yeah. Oh, so why it was

53:48

a stink like this?

53:51

I think your pussy juices off.

53:53

As far as I wonder if she pissed also.

53:55

It just

53:55

just I know that my finger was dry

53:57

on last night. We

53:59

are just both drunk videos. That's

54:02

it. You guys got any dates? Nate, you got

54:04

any dates? Oh, here we

54:05

go. Yeah. I'm a mute. The ones just come out.

54:07

Saw

54:07

the video? Saw the video.

54:11

Yeah. I mean, you can start to go at nine.

54:13

No.

54:13

I was talking.

54:13

still wanna go to seven. No.

54:15

I can start to go at nine what? Fifty.

54:17

What time is it?

54:18

Nine forty.

54:19

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let's start the video at,

54:21

like, at nine forty.

54:23

It's nine forty nine.

54:24

Yeah. Nine forty five. Let's

54:26

start the video in, like, a couple minutes. Got

54:28

it. And then Yeah.

54:30

Yeah. Yeah. For is it optional?

54:32

What? This show is supposed to be nine thirty.

54:35

So next okay. Other night's pretty good. Let's

54:37

say we're, like, forty five minutes

54:38

behind. These

54:38

late charge must always be later. They don't

54:40

always have sellouts. Yo. That's

54:43

good score. Two shows out. Got it. Both sold

54:45

out. Because it's the dates. If you're people The

54:48

only I nothing that

54:50

matters if I play.

54:51

Dick, you heard your

54:52

first

54:53

note name, Marshall dot com together. No.

54:55

Are these no guys.

54:56

I got a couple over to Phigilis on his

54:58

on his Tyrrell.

54:59

No. That's all that already.

55:00

That's what I mean. Yeah. That's what I mean. That's what

55:02

I

55:02

mean. That's what I mean.

55:04

Hear about get that skeptic, Bob. Yeah.

55:07

You're about to sell out some of that

55:08

theater tour because I'm named Marshall here with the

55:10

skeptic, Bob. Elena

55:13

the twenty first and twenty

55:15

second, I think.

55:15

Nice. And what

55:17

month? January. And then it's like I wanted

55:19

April that I don't know the exact date Oh, yeah.

55:22

You heard her first day. Great promotion. I'm

55:24

the best of that. You just

55:26

click someone else. That's why I'm doing so on

55:28

this business.

55:31

Alright. Well, you can see me on the road

55:34

that to buy tickets, go to Colum

55:36

dot com. You got it. For those of you who are just listening,

55:38

that's talking now. Not Nate anymore.

55:40

Keep going. Yeah. You couldn't

55:42

tell. Yeah. What's up? And

55:45

I've got the Colum dot com. I've got

55:47

dates coming up in Poughkeepsie in

55:50

Hartford, Connecticut. I'm in Tampa,

55:52

Florida at the end of this month. I'm not sure if this will be

55:54

out by Dan. Yeah. And then I'm gonna be in Austin.

55:57

And in February February twentieth.

55:59

Right? February twentieth ish.

56:02

Yeah. Something like that on the show, sir. But just

56:04

check out those dates and then on Saint Patrick's

56:06

Day, I'm gonna be in LA at the comedy

56:08

store, Colum Teraland Friends, and

56:10

I'm live from this Saint Patrick's

56:13

Day at the comedy

56:14

store. It's gonna You got some

56:15

Irish people on?

56:16

I've got a Shane Todd that you're just talking

56:18

to. He's gonna be on and

56:19

The Irish guy. Yeah. The Irish guy you were just talking

56:21

to. And think I'm just gonna have some

56:23

local guys pop in. Irish

56:25

Shaffir's. No. Just just Fuckin'

56:27

the last famous people I can find. That's great. RB

56:30

March twenty fourth in New York City with the Beacon

56:32

Theatre. They can show today.

56:34

March twenty fourth, Beacon Theatre surprise

56:36

guests. Get tickets now. Tickets just

56:38

went on sale. The Moore Theater in

56:40

Seattle on February twenty

56:42

third, and then Vancouver, I think, is

56:44

sold out on twenty fifth, shows that on

56:46

the twenty fourth. San Jose,

56:49

the European road tour is going on

56:51

sale at the end of the month.

56:54

Check back. I don't know. Like the last weekend

56:56

of the month, it'll be the presale. Glasgow,

56:58

London, Manchester. Slovenia.

57:03

Two cities of Romania.

57:05

Stop all. Amsterdam. Athens

57:07

Greece. And it's a style.

57:11

Anyway, III found a

57:13

poop train for my tour. I Oops.

57:16

I pooped.

57:17

The oops. I pooped tour. Oh, it's

57:19

good.

57:21

Photos shout welcome. Bloody disgrace. Sorry.

57:23

I bloody disgrace. It's

57:27

good name. A bloody disgrace. bloody

57:29

disgrace. Yeah.

57:30

Yeah. What else do

57:32

we talk about? What else do we talk about bathrooms? How do

57:34

you represent us? Well, I

57:35

you know, I got into know public bathrooms is

57:37

or even my own bathroom. I'll I

57:40

I flush more

57:40

now. So

57:41

what's more in your own bathroom? So

57:42

what I'll do is because you've been burned before. When I have

57:44

that big shear? Yeah. I'll flush it immediately

57:46

so I can try to limit the smell of sun to

57:48

be

57:49

around. Like, if it's particularly bad, before even wipe it,

57:51

it's like a courtesy flush.

57:52

I like the Curtis flush. I never do

57:54

it, but I get it.

57:55

Curtis

57:55

is smelling in It helps it helps to just

57:57

get it. Too fast. Just get it out there.

57:59

Hit the fan. Mhmm. Don't think about

58:02

it. Lots of people who are trying to save money on fan.

58:04

I don't think it matches. Oh. What do you think it matches?

58:06

Does that clear the

58:07

smell? No. don't think it does.

58:09

think it covers it. I think it covers it. I think it's postdated.

58:11

Yeah. Right? Yeah. I just I just the

58:14

smoke is --

58:14

Yeah. -- from the max that's

58:15

got for, like

58:16

But it's nice when you go to someone's house and

58:18

you're invited over as a guest like a dinner party

58:20

and they got the candle burning and they got the

58:22

the nice

58:23

The nice thing is. Thank you very much.

58:25

Someone might have to shitting here

58:26

covered up for us. And they cross out. They have the

58:28

nice tells so. The nice tail.

58:30

You know that I use those tails all the time. Right.

58:32

Yeah. With the gold trimming or

58:35

It is maybe the worst thing to have to

58:37

shit at a at an adult's house. Yeah.

58:40

The girlfriend's parent. They should have the

58:42

spray out too. They should have everything ready for

58:44

you. Like, if you have a bad shit, they should have spray

58:47

ready for your candles

58:48

burning.

58:48

Yeah. I'm a long sitter too. Like

58:50

I said, so I don't wanna knock on the door. Yeah. And

58:52

I don't and there's somebody, like, again, like, there's somebody

58:54

on the house that I'm I'm getting uncomfortable when

58:56

they're too

58:57

long. Yeah.

58:57

Fuck. But it's

58:58

it'll take

58:58

me, like, twenty minutes. How about how

59:00

about this move? When somebody tries a door and then they

59:03

knock? Like, what you know what's locked? What are you

59:05

trying to open for? Yeah. And if it you know what

59:07

else you're

59:07

served. And then you're gonna go get somebody. Did

59:09

you just park Yeah. Park that. Dude because

59:12

I don't great footage. Those are the bad truth.

59:16

Wet it again. Oh.

59:19

I got the good spot. Denver.

59:23

Oh, also be at Denver. Go ahead. No. That's

59:25

February.

59:26

Yeah. That's it. Yeah. I did a courtesy flush. Currency

59:29

flush. Oh, wow. This is the old one. The

59:31

scruncher fault.

59:32

The

59:32

toy the baby.

59:33

I fall fold again. Yeah. used to scrunge.

59:35

Or got any Fold it as, like, got you. You ever scrunge

59:38

now? Oh, what? For, like, once a

59:39

month. It it floats I scrunched. I scrunched here,

59:42

like, right before we did

59:44

the pot. scrunched it.

59:45

I scrunched it. Oh, I'm sitting in your

59:47

fucking ass. Go ahead. Well,

59:49

gotta I genuinely wiped it down.

59:51

I genuinely wiped it all the

59:52

time. Sorry. Not

59:53

starting on time. Like, yeah. Times it. He doesn't

59:55

mean forty four. Okay. He's got a minute. Okay. I was

59:57

wrong. But But

1:00:00

I

1:00:00

scrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun. I

1:00:09

get out there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:00:11

Perfect timing. Party in podcast. PRT

1:00:13

in podcast would meet Le Merle and

1:00:15

Dimala Ferena. Please check it out.

1:00:17

The last guy's Italian?

1:00:18

Yeah. He's

1:00:19

Italian his foot.

1:00:20

Okay. Oh, what? Alright.

1:00:22

Hi. He's like Irish. Andy, he's

1:00:25

like a Hillbenny, bearded man.

1:00:28

That that's fair, but no good.

1:00:30

I don't smell

1:00:31

it. No. This

1:00:32

can't matter what. Most of it. I don't

1:00:33

yeah. There was, like, a smoky smell.

1:00:35

Smokey. So they're petey.

1:00:36

Yeah. I was like, Scotch. Oh, there

1:00:38

it is. There it is. There it is. Wow.

1:00:41

I've

1:00:41

described the smell for you to get it. You got it. Oh,

1:00:43

that was you. I thought that was my Scotch. Oh,

1:00:44

it was like a lap sound sushi. You

1:00:48

What are you doing? Just

1:00:49

keeping it. Just trying to be part of the conversation.

1:00:51

just trying to be talking

1:00:52

from the stage till it's done.

1:00:53

Just bring up both mics.

1:00:54

I mean, it'll catch you just as well.

1:00:56

It'll go just as well as his weekend's been

1:00:58

going. Yeah. Where

1:01:00

is the nice there must be some ritz You have

1:01:02

a bit too. What? You have a couple minutes,

1:01:04

I think. Well,

1:01:05

whatever. He's

1:01:05

two minutes, but he's got

1:01:06

your Another day. Right. The thing about the scrunching is

1:01:08

crazy. I've now did you get hit again?

1:01:11

Yeah. It's like it's like it's like it's like a hit.

1:01:14

part has hit the towers.

1:01:16

What about the scrunch? Why the scrunch? Why do

1:01:19

we yeah. Why would they do that? That's crazy. I'm a

1:01:21

folder. Fold. But, like, scrunching seems

1:01:23

like crazy. Because now you have open

1:01:24

space. Now

1:01:25

you're hitting your ass with in the scrunch with some

1:01:27

air missing. It's

1:01:28

reckless behavior. Yeah. It's

1:01:29

reckless. And do you decide of a

1:01:31

failing society? It's nuts that people

1:01:34

that it's never it's even that conversation.

1:01:36

Scrunch versus fold. This is the fold. This is

1:01:38

like jettos and

1:01:39

stuff. Fuck you. Fine. You scrunched.

1:01:42

What are you you're an animal? Nobody

1:01:45

scrunches. Or

1:01:47

a distance -- Yeah. -- when you wipe -- Yeah.

1:01:50

-- you're sitting or you're

1:01:51

standing?

1:01:52

I that's not bad. Sit for the first few

1:01:54

that I stand

1:01:54

then

1:01:55

you stand. Yeah. Well, I'm

1:01:56

pretty safe. It's not gonna be a leg runner.

1:01:58

Sure. Can you show me your standing technique then?

1:01:59

Yeah. Okay. Alright.

1:02:01

I understand that so obviously, you lean over.

1:02:03

You lean and left and right. So first of all, you you

1:02:05

just rolled once and then you take out a jagged edge

1:02:08

and you get that in the middle.

1:02:10

Oh. Follow-up. You're like a fucking

1:02:12

origami export. Expert. Make

1:02:15

a little swap.

1:02:15

Yeah. Look. That's too

1:02:17

small.

1:02:18

I know. It was a small one.

1:02:19

That's a small one. Yeah. Then you do that twice.

1:02:21

Mhmm. Then you get up

1:02:24

more Yeah. White

1:02:26

look and then more

1:02:29

flush. Yeah. One more

1:02:31

white flush Take take

1:02:33

samples. Show up.

1:02:35

Tamp

1:02:35

on it. Yeah. Your tampon. Totally good. Yep.

1:02:37

And then

1:02:37

Yeah. Your tampon. Yeah. You're tampon.

1:02:41

Yeah. Know the

1:02:42

music went it was down for you, but I don't see him putting

1:02:44

the music down. Yeah. He's gonna keep it up

1:02:46

doing that. Or does he know he's bringing him

1:02:48

up? Yeah. I must. I'm not there.

1:02:51

He's not gonna just be like, hand it off to nobody behind

1:02:53

him. He's on a panic and fuck

1:02:55

it up. Damn. Yeah. The fold yeah.

1:02:57

Everyone's a fold. I'm I just leaned left

1:02:59

for the whole

1:03:00

time. You're watching, you're looking. You fought you

1:03:02

you you washed

1:03:02

the soap in the bathroom? Do

1:03:04

I wash my ass or soap? Yeah.

1:03:06

No. We're in shower. When

1:03:08

I'm showering the night. After

1:03:10

after you pee.

1:03:11

No. After I pee?

1:03:12

Yeah. Do I wash my Wash your hands

1:03:14

with So

1:03:15

Oh, the what? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Did that?

1:03:17

After a p? Sometimes.

1:03:19

Not

1:03:20

after a plane bathroom pee. Yeah. I wanna

1:03:22

watch the plane out. It depends. But, generally, it's

1:03:24

just fingertips. I tell you asking if I watch

1:03:26

my ass if it's soap every time I

1:03:28

shit, I'm like, no. Just walk around

1:03:30

with hoodie fucking ass.

1:03:31

That would be a lot. Yeah. Do you

1:03:33

know like, you know, was insane.

1:03:36

J j big j Olafins? Wiping

1:03:38

his ass is insane. What does he got like a whole

1:03:40

game? He it's it's literally like an

1:03:42

Ow. It's he wipes with

1:03:44

multiples of he cast a beige laser's

1:03:47

ass out. He he wipes. He's done he has

1:03:49

a glove and he shows a finger up there

1:03:51

and then he gets in the shower and then fingers himself

1:03:54

in the shower. think he's just finger himself most

1:03:56

of the time. Yeah. And he has an ointment

1:03:58

and he wants to get it clean. Yeah. He's

1:04:00

he's obsessed with cleaning his ass. Like, it's not

1:04:02

he he he starts off with a wet

1:04:04

wipe. Which I recommend wet

1:04:06

wipes, sir.

1:04:07

That that changed the game.

1:04:08

Wet wipes out. And then

1:04:09

when you run which I often do, it's almost on me.

1:04:11

Oh, we gotta talk about good days, but then Yeah. But wet wipe

1:04:13

is good. I still

1:04:16

I like a dry wipe, but the wet wipe is good.

1:04:18

So he starts off with a wet wipe. Wait my bang.

1:04:20

Danny goes dry wipe. Okay. Danny goes

1:04:23

the day. Danny does

1:04:25

finger glove. Danny does shower

1:04:27

with a finger glove. There's like a glove that

1:04:29

he shows up as a ass to clean himself or something.

1:04:32

Something like that. I swear.

1:04:35

It's swear. There's a lot of podcasts, but

1:04:37

just myself. Jay's

1:04:40

gone because they once did it with Unleisureous gang

1:04:42

to it, Lewis put his finger in Jay's

1:04:44

ass. Because Jay was like, my ass is

1:04:46

spotless. And Lewis was

1:04:48

like, if I shove a finger in there, there won't be a

1:04:50

single, like a white like a white ballast. Yeah.

1:04:52

Chestnut. He and he showed his finger in it. There wasn't

1:04:54

drop.

1:05:02

Septic close. Okay.

1:05:06

That was great. That was great. That wasn't him. That

1:05:08

was him. Was it? I think so.

1:05:10

I think he turned the music down more. We really nailed

1:05:12

it. He's getting there. Wait. There was

1:05:14

anything else I wanted to do out bathrooms in general.

1:05:16

But days, well, you would never use someone else of the day. Would

1:05:18

you? I don't I'm not a bidet guy.

1:05:21

I and I'm not using someone else. I'm not like I'm

1:05:23

just a man. I mean, I don't like the bidetes. I don't

1:05:26

I like them right after you come home from a long day walking

1:05:28

around. You already get a swamp ass. You just get in it. You

1:05:30

don't have to get a full share of

1:05:31

shit. You just clean

1:05:32

it out with water. Just something about the baton.

1:05:34

I don't like,

1:05:34

man. Yeah. I mean, I gotta wet wipe is doing the same

1:05:37

thing.

1:05:37

Wet wipe is but even with the wet wipe, I'll

1:05:39

still close with a dry wipe. Do

1:05:41

you ever do this when you're in a hotel? If

1:05:43

there's no wet wipes, do you just take a hand towel

1:05:45

and go, I'm ruining

1:05:46

this. And put a little water on it and then

1:05:48

just scrub out. I've

1:05:51

done situations where I will wipe

1:05:53

my ass. Where to tell not

1:05:56

having had a shoe, but it's almost

1:05:58

like, you know, like, sometimes you just need to

1:06:00

wipe your ass. Yeah. Whatever happens here

1:06:02

today, you laugh too much and

1:06:03

Yeah. Something. Yeah.

1:06:05

And so then you just got it. And I've just grabbed the

1:06:07

tower and I'm fucking dot a dip and you're like, oof.

1:06:09

Yeah. And then do you smell that?

1:06:12

I will be like,

1:06:12

I'll smell my fingers.

1:06:13

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty bad.

1:06:16

When you if you think you've shitted your

1:06:17

pants, how do you test that?

1:06:20

A finger.

1:06:21

I put finger in.

1:06:22

A finger in on the edge of the asshole. Oh,

1:06:24

wow. And it sometimes it is -- Yeah. --

1:06:26

especially

1:06:26

when I got back from Guatemala, I had some oily

1:06:29

loose shit. I and it was like I couldn't really

1:06:31

keep it at I talked to someone about that. I put my

1:06:33

finger in. I could put a finger on the fucking

1:06:35

asshole. Like, I'm unlocking an iPhone.

1:06:38

Right? And then I and then I take it

1:06:40

out. And, you

1:06:42

know, if I had

1:06:42

shit, then you just gotta go to the bathroom with your hand in

1:06:44

the air. Like, you're fucking nobody go

1:06:47

nobody look at this. No one look.

1:06:49

Wait. Let me turn this one off. Yeah. What

1:06:52

do we miss about bathrooms? You wrote all these

1:06:53

notes? I wrote those notes. Yeah. Does the bidet

1:06:56

and then the squatty party? Does

1:06:58

all these techniques now to maximize your

1:07:00

share. Right? Like. Yeah.

1:07:07

Does,

1:07:08

like, the squatty party? That's a new one.

1:07:10

The the the bedeis that everyone has

1:07:12

now.

1:07:12

Yeah. They're very easy. These days are pretty cheap and easy

1:07:14

to set

1:07:14

up. They but like they're a new thing. Yeah. Days

1:07:16

used to be a separate toilet,

1:07:19

like, in France. Oh, right. You have

1:07:20

to, like, get off. And

1:07:22

get on that one. Yeah. But then where's your

1:07:24

poop going to that thing?

1:07:25

No. You shouldn't. The first one. I know. But what

1:07:27

you left okay. And the left out poop goes out that one.

1:07:30

That's

1:07:30

more like a sink. Never just run up a day when you're not

1:07:32

blocking it and just see it shoot out to the

1:07:34

water into the fucking world. I'm

1:07:36

not done that what I've heard of. Heard people

1:07:38

accidentally doing that, and there's they just

1:07:41

skittle over the thing. What else does the bathroom

1:07:43

have? I was in a bathroom recently, though,

1:07:45

that was like that. It was like it it moves

1:07:47

when you walked

1:07:48

in. It knew you were there. And it was

1:07:50

it was

1:07:51

You

1:07:52

in Ireland, did they mostly have fans or

1:07:54

or or windows? Win

1:07:56

those ant fans. Well, they have the fans for the shower.

1:07:59

That's the thing.

1:08:00

So the fan the fans there to keep the from

1:08:02

the with the back of the shower. Break and Monday.

1:08:04

Yeah. The problem is is, you know,

1:08:06

windows is the best. It clears it out. It's like

1:08:08

-- Yeah. -- pressure. And the problem with

1:08:10

the fan is if it's a lot of times automatically

1:08:13

delay. So then if you get up in the middle of

1:08:15

night and you're having a piss or something, you try

1:08:17

not to put on the light and you kind of have to because

1:08:19

if you put on the light goes on and you're waking every

1:08:21

month in the

1:08:22

house,

1:08:22

What kind of fan do you have? A fucking industrial?

1:08:24

Just a fan that's an

1:08:25

old one. Yeah. Yeah. We

1:08:27

turn on that bathroom fan. Your story's

1:08:29

made up.

1:08:31

No. It's yeah. Oh, it's it's com it's like common

1:08:33

people joke about on stage all the time. Yeah.

1:08:37

Like, you have a piss in the dark and you kind of

1:08:40

you can piss at night, you can piss directly

1:08:42

into the water. So it's too

1:08:43

loud.

1:08:44

So you gotta piss it aside. You gotta find that.

1:08:45

So you gotta find and and it's like,

1:08:47

Yes. Yeah. Visiting directly into

1:08:50

the water. It was a little bit I did tell my friends in Edinburgh

1:08:52

to, like, hey, guys. I'm not

1:08:54

mad. Can you please piss on

1:08:56

the corner of the big

1:08:57

toilet? Because his those walls are

1:09:00

so thin.

1:09:00

Yeah. And I'm like, I wanna see how far where

1:09:02

my head is. My head is this far away from the

1:09:04

fucking toilet. And you're just like --

1:09:06

Yeah. -- pissing in my ear. Yeah. You get

1:09:08

a lot -- Yeah. -- I once, like, was

1:09:10

sleepwalking, drunky, kinda

1:09:13

sleep walky type of thing.

1:09:14

Yeah. I used to piss in corners of

1:09:16

rooms all the time when I was, like, drunk

1:09:18

because I I had, like, a non sweet I

1:09:20

had a bad I had a bad I had a

1:09:22

bro. No. In Ireland,

1:09:24

we built a year later. So I would piss,

1:09:26

like, was in my room was bad for a shit

1:09:28

because then your room smells like shit. Yeah. So

1:09:30

I would wake up. So then what happens as well? So I would say I

1:09:32

live in other places. I think I would wake up in the

1:09:34

middle got a

1:09:35

drunk, and

1:09:35

I thought you were in the open place. kinda walked towards wherever

1:09:38

the batch was, and then I just peeked in the corner or

1:09:40

whatever. But I stayed in someone's house in Philly,

1:09:42

and I sleep on on his couch. And I woke up

1:09:44

and I just had a pissing against the wall a

1:09:46

door. So he was in bed with this girl

1:09:48

and he just hears, like,

1:09:50

they're like, against piss on a door, a wooden

1:09:53

door, what you're saying. That's like, you

1:09:55

think you're getting the

1:09:56

thing. Yeah. What the And then he opened up the

1:09:58

thing, and I'm like, oh, lean against the door.

1:10:01

And

1:10:01

then they're like,

1:10:02

he he got mad. They killed

1:10:04

privacy. Yeah. He was like kicking me out of the

1:10:06

house and I was like, he pissed me going to my door. I was like,

1:10:08

no. And he's like, you fucking trusted

1:10:09

it.

1:10:10

I'm like, that's so great. It was like,

1:10:12

I'm so I'm not guessing.

1:10:13

I saw you. Oh, yes. Sorry. My bad.

1:10:15

Listen to someone else. Yeah. Sorry. Go back to me.

1:10:18

And what else do we have

1:10:20

for, like okay. What else do we have a

1:10:22

bathroom? I'm trying to think what else is to talk about for

1:10:24

bathrooms.

1:10:25

We talked about the thing. We talked about it. Those showers where

1:10:27

the doors don't go all the way, like, in the hotels,

1:10:29

and it's just, like, open for half this half

1:10:31

the shower. Oh, I know what you

1:10:34

mean. It's just a glass. It's like

1:10:35

a glass for this open instead of having a slider.

1:10:37

Yeah. I just said And the

1:10:38

second part's not there. Yeah. I understand. So

1:10:40

you're just, like, Why is it?

1:10:41

It's it's just fixed glass.

1:10:43

Yeah. Yeah.

1:10:43

It's just locked in. Yeah. Yeah.

1:10:45

Dump. I

1:10:45

know what you mean. Yeah. It's like

1:10:46

artsy but dumb.

1:10:47

Yeah. It's crazy. Well, even the thing about the

1:10:49

cubicles and public bathrooms where it's like, why are

1:10:52

you showing my ankles? We

1:10:53

didn't know.

1:10:53

That was like one person in the

1:10:55

in the nineteen twenties was like, we can save money

1:10:57

doors.

1:10:58

That's what it's gotta be. Right? I think it was that's what

1:11:00

I read about because I googled it because I was like, this is

1:11:02

crazy. They said to save money, and then think it

1:11:04

was like a privacy thing. If they don't want people in there,

1:11:06

fucking and shit like that. Because you can see four

1:11:08

legs. So what time was

1:11:10

it? A Mardi Gras? Yeah. And and me

1:11:12

and my friends, they they remember it was, like, right

1:11:14

out calls. I might I might still been in college. I might

1:11:16

have just been out. And they charge

1:11:18

you, like, twenty bucks to go piss and anywhere on Burberry

1:11:20

Street in Mardi Gras. Like, twenty come on. I just

1:11:22

gotta ask you to camp is in the street district

1:11:24

about

1:11:25

that. Yeah.

1:11:26

Twenty five bucks each other? Something like that. Yeah. Jesus.

1:11:28

And it's like it's like not even and you can get a

1:11:30

beer. It's like it's like you can but separate, whatever.

1:11:33

So, like, let's walk two blocks off. Verb. Yeah. Just

1:11:35

walk off a little bit, find a bar, get a get a dieselated

1:11:37

pressure and go back anyway. So

1:11:39

we found one. My friend, fucking,

1:11:42

b lines of the bathroom. I'm right

1:11:43

time. He goes in as soon as I get towards about

1:11:45

him. Some bounce is like, hey, one at a time.

1:11:47

Oh, yeah. But

1:11:48

I peeked in and I already saw it like there's two urinals

1:11:50

and two toilets.

1:11:51

Yeah. I

1:11:51

was, like, dude, this okay. But there's,

1:11:54

like, more there's open?

1:11:55

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:11:55

It's open once. They

1:11:56

talked to you.

1:11:57

Look me up and down. He was, like, yeah.

1:11:59

Okay. Oh, yeah. You tell your love me sucking on

1:12:01

fucking. It's gay bar. Oh, it's gay bar.

1:12:03

Yeah. It's a drag Those are They

1:12:05

they they have that shit locked down. They haven't

1:12:07

locked down. Yeah. My girl went to fire

1:12:09

islander, whatever the gay islander is. And

1:12:12

she

1:12:12

was, like, the line for the guy with

1:12:14

every nigga going into fuck. They

1:12:15

were just fucking their brains out in the

1:12:17

bathroom stood crazy. They

1:12:19

love fucking. Yeah. Do you ever I don't know

1:12:22

if I've ever caught someone fucking in the

1:12:23

bathroom. I didn't mean to me.

1:12:25

I just can't think about it. I

1:12:27

saw AAAA park lady,

1:12:30

like, supervisor or whatever, and screaming at some

1:12:32

heroin out. Like, you're fucking shooting up here. This

1:12:34

kid's hair. Yeah. This fucking guy who got you interested.

1:12:37

I wasn't shooting up to go. I see the fucking shoe

1:12:39

so match. Like, I see the bloody tissue paper.

1:12:41

Don't lie to me. I have some fucking

1:12:43

respect. Go to your corner and

1:12:45

do it in the fucking corner there. Yeah.

1:12:47

And we

1:12:48

let you guys live. Yeah.

1:12:50

Oh, she was so mad. The lady was, like,

1:12:53

ashamed where she should have

1:12:54

been. Yeah. Alright. Let's wrap it up.

1:12:56

No. What else we gotta talk about? Oh, yeah.

1:12:58

Let me see what I have written down. Yeah. I mean, this

1:13:00

stuff is good. So do you ever do you ever eat in

1:13:02

the bathroom?

1:13:03

No. It

1:13:04

seems wrong. That's crazy. It seems wrong. I just

1:13:06

did it, but, like, it seems wrong. It seems

1:13:08

like evil away. That's

1:13:09

what you you need to cut that a flashback

1:13:11

with him. Yeah. But I would never do it. Mhmm.

1:13:14

So we got the drugs. We got the fucking yeah. So I used

1:13:16

to fuck a lot in patches because of the part, and

1:13:18

when you were a bartender. Batten, what happened

1:13:20

is you would close the the place and you couldn't

1:13:22

fuck on, like, the you wouldn't fuck

1:13:24

on, like, the bar top.

1:13:25

You talked about waitresses? Customers

1:13:27

and stuff. Yeah. He would hang around. You know, you'd

1:13:29

lock up the bar and they'd just be allowed to stay for

1:13:31

what? But you wouldn't wanna fuck in the actual bar

1:13:34

because his cameras and that so you'd go into the bathroom

1:13:36

fucking.

1:13:37

Yeah. So It's pretty hot. Yeah.

1:13:39

It's pretty it's just so And then when you take their head and fucking

1:13:41

shove her into the toilet water, and I Right.

1:13:43

Right. Yeah. They

1:13:46

just get enough breath to fucking calm and then you

1:13:48

just fucking flush it

1:13:49

again. It sounds good. I'm getting turned on. That's

1:13:51

better better game than I have. Yeah.

1:13:54

Yeah. Ship that too on a fucking --

1:13:56

Yes. -- on the sink? You fucking Orsula. You

1:13:58

dirty pig?

1:13:59

No. What else is even with the bathroom?

1:14:02

Well, this is obviously yeah.

1:14:03

And then there's the the the church. What I wanna get I

1:14:05

think it should go wide instead of just,

1:14:07

like, hotel bathrooms. The

1:14:09

thing that twists one

1:14:10

eighty, the timer that turns the heat thing on.

1:14:12

I

1:14:13

don't even know that. It's, like,

1:14:14

fifteen minute, like, where it goes hot. It's,

1:14:17

like, a heater lamp.

1:14:18

Oh, okay. And it just

1:14:20

and it's for fifteen inches warms up, like, in the morning.

1:14:22

If you got shit, it's just, like, it's this red light

1:14:24

-- Yeah. -- I want that in my

1:14:26

real world. Lord. Florida heating. Florida heating.

1:14:28

Your bathroom is Rules. Yeah.

1:14:30

Rules.

1:14:30

And the toy when you sit on a toilet, Colum you

1:14:33

know, like, you know it's coming like

1:14:34

Yeah. It should be like Yeah.

1:14:37

Yeah. Yeah. Oh. In the wind yeah. In the -- Wow. --

1:14:39

bad ass window. Yeah.

1:14:40

Yeah. Floor heating rule. That's the one.

1:14:42

And that's that's when you just have to go fuck

1:14:44

on poor. When you walk into someone's

1:14:46

house and they have a fucking floor

1:14:49

heating bathroom, and the toilet opens

1:14:51

for you, you know, good day, Colum, and there you

1:14:53

go. You

1:14:54

go, fuck. I'm a peasant.

1:14:56

Oh my god. Just even the simple

1:14:58

act of having a dump can be so

1:15:00

much better. Like, as you think about the rich

1:15:03

and how they live and they're in their jets and they're on the

1:15:05

surface, like, even just having a shit

1:15:07

is ten times better than the way you have a

1:15:09

shit. The way you have shit is

1:15:11

terrible. Is it is a task? There's a

1:15:13

joke. There's a glorious.

1:15:16

Yeah. I was talking to Jake

1:15:18

Johansson. Who's building his comic.

1:15:21

Yeah. He's in the big guys. He's

1:15:23

in England anyway. Right? Feels like Canadian, but I think

1:15:25

he's in America. But he's building a home in in wherever

1:15:27

he lived. Yeah. And He's

1:15:30

6465. I'm

1:15:32

631

1:15:34

ninety. And

1:15:37

I was like he was like, I built the everything scratch.

1:15:39

I was like, how how tall the shower heads? goes,

1:15:41

oh, yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. We're leaning

1:15:43

over. Yeah. They're they're big built

1:15:45

up high up to design something as

1:15:48

a rich person for yourself. You would just make

1:15:50

it right. Yeah. It wouldn't have

1:15:52

to toilet up against the wall like this. It's kinda

1:15:54

spatial

1:15:55

and, like Yeah.

1:15:56

Imagine -- Yeah. -- the TV screen over there,

1:15:58

you know, to, like, watch. I just, like,

1:16:01

speakers involved. Yeah.

1:16:02

What's that famous little dwarf Peter

1:16:04

hint hint hint hint hint cliff or something? Peter's cliff. Yeah. Peter's

1:16:06

cliff. Peter's cliff. Peter's something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine

1:16:08

his much as his yeah. Imagine his tailored

1:16:10

house. I bet you he has everton

1:16:13

tailored.

1:16:13

That's like a step ladder to get him this weather.

1:16:15

Yeah. They're just

1:16:16

all the the like yeah. All the

1:16:18

cupboards are

1:16:19

what I said.

1:16:19

They're low and reach of both TVs low

1:16:21

on the ground. A

1:16:22

zipline to get from the loose sink to

1:16:24

the door. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:16:26

But

1:16:26

he just travels through the fireplace and goes

1:16:29

through the Yeah.

1:16:32

Yeah. Some sort of stash of lucky charms.

1:16:35

Absolutely. There's a little bag of gold for sure.

1:16:37

Somewhere.

1:16:38

It is golden. Yeah. Well, it's like, look,

1:16:40

I know. I'm not this guy, but And I know this guy.

1:16:42

And there's just hundreds of people outside trying to

1:16:44

get at to go. You have to go home. Yeah. You

1:16:46

won't get it. Never. Yeah. Unless you

1:16:48

answer this riddle.

1:16:54

Yeah. The tailored, the bathrooms are good. And then

1:16:56

drugs, I guess Coke is the only drug you do.

1:16:59

Yeah. Heroin.

1:17:00

Do we do it? But that's for the genre itself

1:17:02

in public parks. That's not.

1:17:03

Right. Right. You're

1:17:04

not just I usually

1:17:06

carve their initials on a toilet seat.

1:17:08

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What are you doing?

1:17:11

And I I don't know they still do an an island

1:17:13

for a while, all the public bathrooms, they had blue lights.

1:17:15

So

1:17:15

so you can't shoot up -- Yeah. You can't catch a very --

1:17:17

but the wall was on the on the turnpike. Oh,

1:17:20

that's what it was. Yeah. It's about blue light, so you

1:17:22

can't see a van. Interesting. I

1:17:23

think that's not true. That sounds like an absolute

1:17:26

light. Yeah. Now that I think about it? Or ahead of

1:17:28

two and just like and I've never seen it, but just

1:17:30

like, oh, no. That one, they have it. Like and I've never

1:17:32

seen

1:17:32

it. Yeah. That can be just like one of those

1:17:34

yeah. Playground myths that are

1:17:36

spread around the place. Yeah.

1:17:39

Net that's

1:17:39

it, you know. Yeah.

1:17:44

Which is

1:17:44

also crying weird because your

1:17:45

shit It is right next to the shit. Right? It's just standard

1:17:48

bathroom thing. Yeah. Prushing

1:17:50

your teeth. Yeah.

1:17:51

Yeah. And hair

1:17:52

and

1:17:52

all that shit. It's, like, morning morning rituals

1:17:54

for

1:17:55

back But I I so, yeah,

1:17:57

I keep my toothbrush in a in a thing. Because

1:17:59

some people just have

1:18:00

it out, like, when you slush. I know. Was

1:18:02

a goddess. You can't have the waves. That's where we were

1:18:04

raised. It's horrible. was raised like that, but now

1:18:06

I'm like, it's in the it's in the

1:18:07

cabinet. It's in error to have it. Right. Okay. So

1:18:09

we put the toothbrush up there. Yeah. This hotel

1:18:12

has, like, a divider from the toilet

1:18:14

to where the sink

1:18:15

is. And

1:18:15

the sink goes up to, like, about, like Yeah. Yeah.

1:18:17

That's a lot. Yeah. I guess. I guess.

1:18:19

Yeah.

1:18:19

don't

1:18:20

think In the grand scheme of things, that's just it's

1:18:22

in the air. Yeah.

1:18:24

But you know what? little bit of shit can't be that bad for

1:18:26

you. I know it's gross, but build up the tolerance. It

1:18:28

has to. Yeah. If one percent of whatever

1:18:30

your consumer is

1:18:31

shit, that's I think that's fine. I

1:18:33

think that's a follow-up with one percent. I think,

1:18:35

yeah, I think one percent of shade consumption is

1:18:37

probably fine. It's probably fine. Yeah.

1:18:42

Kalmas wrap this up. Yeah. Alright. It's

1:18:44

been a good week so far. Check

1:18:45

out my podcast. To call them Podcast.

1:18:47

It's Tom Terrell Podcast. You start with the episode that I

1:18:50

was on.

1:18:50

already got naked.

1:18:52

You made me get naked by your disrespect.

1:18:55

I gave him first. I gave him twenty thousand. Well, you

1:18:57

know, yeah, you offered me co coffee.

1:18:59

Coffee. Yeah.

1:19:00

Better one can be I told you better one culture. That's

1:19:02

a

1:19:02

fucking insult or if he's coffee. I like new batter.

1:19:04

Every time you offer me coffee, you say. Better with.

1:19:06

Yeah. Alright. That's great.

1:19:09

Yeah. We're limits. Denver, I said Tampa.

1:19:15

I think that's it. I think I got everything. Seattle,

1:19:17

Beacon. Okay. Alright, guys. Thank you very much.

1:19:19

Which we call this episode. Toilet

1:19:22

humor. Toilet humor. There we

1:19:24

go. That's a good one.

1:19:51

Well, that's the episode you guys. I think a pretty

1:19:53

fun one. Next week, let's

1:19:56

have all the Arty Garbage

1:19:58

guys. How about that? Talk

1:20:00

about different jobs. You might do a lot of film references

1:20:02

filled up some Super Bowl. Last

1:20:05

thing I feel I filled up some Super Bowl. I don't hear

1:20:07

every I'm I'm over that time where

1:20:09

I go, oh, your team's gonna

1:20:11

lose. It's like, yeah,

1:20:14

my team's not in it. Who cares? Like,

1:20:16

friends from Philadelphia. Got

1:20:19

to see Louie at the at the Garden in his

1:20:21

final set. Maybe ever, but at least

1:20:23

for a year. It's a cool

1:20:25

agent, Apollucci, kid, ill.

1:20:28

You wanna see it this week? Friday

1:20:31

or Saturday, a wise guy in Salt Lake City.

1:20:33

Check her out. Tell her I sent you. She's

1:20:36

the dark queen She's awesome. Guys,

1:20:38

I feel disgusting. I gotta gotta

1:20:41

get some coffee and spruce up and take metaphor up

1:20:43

before those. Kevin h,

1:20:45

get over here, and let's do a podcast

1:20:48

for you guys for next week. Again,

1:20:52

my dates. See if I remember. Coming

1:20:55

up in March. Sure.

1:20:57

Oh, wait. Okay. So what do I got? Oh, oh, I'm going

1:20:59

on the road right now. Tampa, I think, has already sold

1:21:01

out. pretty sure it's already sold out already

1:21:03

have a good ticket. That's for this weekend. How are you able to get

1:21:05

tickets? If not.

1:21:09

Denver, two weeks after

1:21:11

that. We

1:21:13

might already who

1:21:14

knows? Now it's you start out Wednesday tickets

1:21:17

available if if you're seeing this right away.

1:21:19

And you still got Sunday late

1:21:21

show tickets and maybe Thursday late.

1:21:24

Maybe.

1:21:29

Denver. Seattle. Some tickets

1:21:32

available. It's almost sold out. There's not gonna

1:21:34