0:00

Right now you can get a 7 day

0:02

free trial on our Club Parsnip's

0:05

Patreon subscription thing if you

0:07

go to patreon.com slash

0:09

Athletico Mints you'll get instant

0:12

access to everything we've ever

0:14

done all advert free each month

0:16

there's brand new stuff exclusive

0:18

stuff early access to episodes it's

0:21

the complete Athletico Mints experience

0:23

that's patreon.com slash

0:25

Athletico Mints sign up free for seven

0:28

days give it a go

0:34

ACAST powers the world's best

0:36

podcasts here's a show

0:38

that we recommend there's

0:41

a twin mattress just

0:43

laying on the floor there's

0:45

a video camera that is set up on

0:47

a tripod and then there's like a little

0:50

lamp this is what we call a

0:52

dungeon hi

0:53

i'm yardley smith guess

0:56

what season 12 of small town

0:58

dicks is here she says i've

1:01

never been more terrified in a room

1:03

with a patient before as i am with this man

1:05

here i say if you keep

1:07

me on based on what i saw out there at the crime

1:10

scene i'm going to turn into a defense witness

1:13

the hair on the back of my neck was standing

1:15

up

1:15

small town dicks season 12

1:18

is out now don't miss it

1:22

ACAST helps creators launch grow

1:25

and monetize their podcasts everywhere

1:27

acast.com

1:38

so

1:47

hey is that Roy Hutchin outside is

1:50

it yeah come on i'll get him come

1:53

on right in right hello good

1:55

morning or is it afternoon i don't really know right

2:00

I heard you were in the television so I

2:02

assume you've got some money. Yeah well not really.

2:05

Whatever. I'm here to pitch an idea to you

2:08

and I would like £250,000 in return for 5% of the company.

2:13

Oh right well like it's Dragon Den or

2:15

something. I don't know what that means but dragons

2:17

are involved so yes.

2:19

Well I don't have that sort of money but

2:21

erm,

2:22

alright if you've come in specially I'll hear you

2:24

out. Right here we go. It's a tabletop

2:27

military strategy game with a medieval

2:29

fantasy theme and it's called Woh-Yamma.

2:32

Woh-Yamma. Woh-Yamma. Woh-Yamma.

2:35

Woh-Yamma. Woh-Yamma. It

2:38

sounds a lot like Woh-Yamma to me. No no

2:40

the differences are negligible. They exist

2:42

in entirely different fantasy realms you

2:44

idiots. I don't have cold cold people idiots

2:47

if you want them to invest in your company. Sorry

2:49

Squire I don't know what I was thinking.

2:52

I'm just so passionate about Woh-Yamma.

2:55

Woh-Yamma. Woh-Yamma.

2:58

So have you developed the battle

3:00

figures separately for Woh-Yamma? You

3:02

know why do you have to paint them yourselves? Oh well

3:05

fast

3:05

about any of that. I reckon if I just get

3:07

some used ones off eBay that's just a surprise. I

3:09

don't want to get too bogged down in the detail at this

3:11

stage. Alright well what about the playing surface

3:14

do you provide that? Well I really thought

3:16

too much about that either. Again

3:19

Woh-Yamma board will be perfectly adequate

3:21

for Woh-Yamma but it's important that

3:23

the players refer to it as Woh-Yamma

3:26

when they're playing for copyright reasons. So

3:28

you're not providing a board? Well I suppose

3:30

I could duck something up on the back of a roll of

3:33

all by all but of course the next one.

3:35

Hold on how much are you charging? How much do you charge

3:37

for Woh-Yamma? Woh-Yamma.

3:39

It'll be about 100 quid. I haven't fully

3:41

crunched the numbers yet. So from what I've heard

3:43

it's 100 quid for a piece of wallpaper at the

3:45

moment yeah? Well it comes in

3:48

a blue plastic carrier bag. It's got Woh-Yamma

3:50

written on this side. The customers will be paying

3:52

for exclusivity.

3:54

So what the wallpaper will fit in the bag

3:56

will it? No no really no you need to fold

3:58

it up a few times. What is this? How kind of East

4:01

German interrogation? Are you gonna train

4:03

waterboard me or something? No, I'm just trying to get

4:05

an idea about, you know, how it works.

4:08

This is starting to feel like so kind of loose. I

4:11

do. I'm sorry, right? Some kind of loose.

4:13

Loose. Loose. A

4:15

scheme. Loose. Look, forget it. I'll

4:18

take my idea. A dad loves a porno. Don't

4:20

invest in any old shit. Good day to you.

4:23

Goodbye. Goodbye.

4:25

Good luck, Roy. There he goes.

4:29

So you're not gonna invest in that, are you not? Well,

4:31

what did you think? Blow plastic

4:33

bag with some wallpaper in. 400 quid. Could catch

4:35

on. I don't

4:37

play Warhammer, so I don't know how much all that stuff

4:40

costs. I've got no comparison. What

4:42

do you do? Your plastic bags, do you dispose

4:44

of them? No, keep them and

4:46

reuse them. Reuse every pack. Bags

4:48

for life, me. Yeah. My car

4:51

boot is full of bags for life. Right.

4:54

I take them down the beach and burn them. Pfft!

4:57

Could go and be responsible,

4:59

innit? Yeah, I suppose. And if it gets

5:01

out of control, it can just get some seawater and put it out,

5:03

can't it? Yeah.

5:07

Aye, aye. That's Roy Utchen outside

5:09

there. Oh, there he is. Yeah, go on. Let him in. Aye,

5:12

right, right. You coming in? Yeah.

5:15

Aye, aye.

5:16

Stand aside, shrimp man. Let me

5:18

in. Yeah. You go. Yeah.

5:21

So you must be excited about

5:23

the new season coming up, right? Well,

5:26

it's unfairly satisfied with our transferred

5:28

dealings at Crystal Fence. Quite

5:30

a lot to be positive about. Okay.

5:32

Are you talking football, yeah? Of

5:34

course I am. I'm a football manager. What

5:36

else would I be talking about? I thought you were just surprised

5:39

me. I thought you'd be talking about Roy Hammer. What?

5:42

Roy Hammer. I don't know

5:44

what day you're sorry. Really? Oh,

5:46

weird. Well, what about, um, Roy Hammer? What?

5:49

Roy Hammer. No. Never heard

5:51

of it. They're actually confusing me with Game

5:53

Potter, the young new brightening over

5:55

your manager. But you always

5:57

talk about Roy Hammer, right? Look,

6:01

their lawyers have come down on me like a ton of

6:03

bricks. I'm not even allowed to mention

6:05

it anymore. I'm fucked. I'm probably

6:08

gonna have to sell Wilf Rizzo or cover the legal

6:10

bills. Oh God, that's a shame, innit? Right,

6:13

right, right. What was

6:16

that, right? Nothing, nothing. Sure, it

6:18

sounded a bit like a... Nothing! Nothing!

6:21

Look,

6:21

I have to go. I have to go. I'm gonna

6:23

go and measure the fucking penalty spot or something. I can't

6:26

stand this. Whoa,

6:29

shit! Good boy! Do

6:31

you

6:32

see him go then? He's gone.

6:35

He's like a rocket. He's a

6:37

man, isn't he? Well, he's

6:39

done his Roy Hammer thing and the Warhammer

6:41

people aren't happy.

6:43

And they've done him. All

6:45

ends up. Oh,

6:47

poor Roy. He's ruined. Ruined.

6:50

You have to go bot football management now. I just thought he could still

6:52

mention Warhammer because that's good for them. Well,

6:54

it must have been part of the, uh, one

6:56

of them none disclosure agreements they get these

6:58

days. Junction site. One of them things,

7:01

yeah.

7:04

Is that Roy Utchin outside? Roy? Yeah.

7:08

I think it might be. It might be. I'll

7:10

go and let him in. Go on then. All

7:12

right. Hey, Roy. Come

7:14

on. Get yourself in. Have a

7:16

seat. Hey, Roy. Hello there.

7:19

Hello there, you poor slack bastards. What's

7:21

going on in here? Well, we're doing our podcast,

7:23

podcast, Roy. You never heard of it?

7:25

Well, I didn't tell you what I was called, actually. Doesn't

7:28

matter. I know all the podcasts and I've

7:30

never heard of this one. Oh, all right. Oh,

7:32

it's about, who am I? I take it. Boom.

7:36

Who am I? Boom. No,

7:38

it's not actually Roy. No, it

7:41

makes no sense to me then. So

7:44

you're saying that Palace hasn't got off to a great

7:46

start, Roy. Oh, I couldn't care less about

7:48

that.

7:49

Why is that? Well, the main objective

7:51

of the summer was to hang out the Wilfrid's

7:54

are objective smashed with

7:56

extreme prejudice. I know, but Roy, you've only

7:58

got one point and one goal.

7:59

Yeah. Ooh, that stuff was a fribooey. Oh,

8:02

a fribooey, I need to do a change

8:05

our services for Alright, Warhammer needs.

8:07

Sorry, it's all a fribooey.

8:10

It's all a fribooey. Frib frib, frib

8:12

frib. Yeah. Yeah. So, erm, your

8:14

Warhammer needs. Woah, woah, woah. Woah,

8:17

woah, woah, yes. It's worthless

8:19

to be on a football field. Do I still call

8:21

it a field? Yeah, I think so, Right. So, you

8:24

knock back a hundred million for Wilfrid's

8:26

The High, so you could play Warhammer with him. Yeah,

8:28

it's a loose. I came up with... I'm sorry,

8:30

Roya. A loose. A loose.

8:33

A loose, yeah. A loose, yeah. Yeah,

8:35

the Darth Baster just uses wood elves or

8:37

lizards men in every single situation.

8:40

No imagination or tactical variation

8:42

whatsoever. Nine times out of ten,

8:45

I just decimate whatever he turns up with.

8:47

That's the kind of man I need in my school to fellas.

8:50

What, like even if you end up getting relegated? Well,

8:52

that's not my club. I couldn't really give two hoots.

8:55

Eh, what about Rhyhammer? Is that still going?

8:57

No, no it's not. The Waller

8:59

Hammer people came around and watched me

9:01

while they made me set fire to all of it. Legal

9:04

stuff, you know? No, it is a shame, isn't it? Oh,

9:06

they'll pay eventually. That's all I'm

9:08

saying. Right, anyway, I've got

9:10

to go now because it's free for two on paints

9:12

up the Waller Hammer Shop and I'm low on

9:15

Nurgling Green and Pink Aura.

9:17

Where's the door? It's just there

9:19

where you come in, Roy. Are you sure? It smells

9:21

like a loose. No, it's not a loose. That's

9:23

there where you came in. Oh, yeah, I recognize

9:26

it there. Oi, put boy! See

9:28

you, Roya. Wama! Waa!

9:30

You're

9:32

quite chippy today, Roya, you want to eat? Yeah, well,

9:35

football's back, innit? You know, that's where

9:37

he's at his best. And he just wants that on his

9:39

squad to hammer him at the Waller Hammer. A

9:41

bit of a warm. It's that or 100 million quid

9:43

in the kit, even because the policy he

9:46

takes his choice or whatever they say.

9:51

So, I thought I'd do a

9:53

crime files, right? Okay,

9:55

Andrew? Alright, well, I need you to help

9:57

me with this. Right, that means I've got to get the sound

9:59

off. effects up. You gotta get sound effects up,

10:02

you gotta get your head round it. I

10:04

am alert and ready. Go! Crime

10:07

Files. We

10:13

lock our doors at night to keep out the outside

10:16

world, to keep evil out. But

10:18

what happens when evil has a key?

10:20

These were the words spoken by Neil

10:23

Hunt, nonsense potter. A

10:25

man who knows first hand how evil

10:27

can deceptively find a way

10:30

into your home without warning.

10:32

Prepare to enter his nightmare.

10:38

Evil has a key.

10:38

September the 25th 2018 was just another

10:40

stale and humdrum day at Neil's

10:47

nonsense pottery, situated

10:49

in an old coach house just off the High Street in

10:52

the village of Rothen.

10:53

Neil arrived at 7.30 to fire

10:55

up his kiln, leaving his studio doors

10:58

wide open. His first customer

11:00

entered the pottery at 11 a.m. and started

11:02

to examine the pieces on display without

11:04

acknowledging Neil's presence. After about

11:07

five minutes, Neil decided to break

11:09

the silence. Excuse me! Excuse

11:12

me matey boy, a simple hello or

11:14

good morning wouldn't go amiss you know. It's

11:17

called Good Manners and like everything else in

11:19

this country it seems to have gone to hell

11:21

like a tub down a water slide. I do

11:23

apologise,

11:23

I didn't see you there. Is

11:25

this your Nonsense Pottery? It was

11:28

Roy Hodgson, manager of the Crystal Palace

11:30

Football Hub.

11:35

Yes I'm Neil the Hunt Nonsense

11:38

Potter. Apology accepted. Is

11:40

there anything in particular you're looking for? Have

11:43

you heard of the Fendecy War strategy game?

11:46

I'm sorry what was that?

11:50

I've

11:55

never heard of it. What's it got to do with Nonsense

11:57

Pottery? Each player has a small...

12:00

army of figurines that fight for the

12:02

other kind of virtual battle on EG,

12:04

a 64.44 tabletop. Fucking

12:07

Nora! So you're looking for something for a grandchild

12:09

or a hospital kid? No! It's for me!

12:12

I'm the Raying Overlord of Distraction at Crystal

12:14

Palace. I reckon if I get my own customized

12:17

pieces that Margaret's town's end will

12:19

have a nervous breakdown and I can replace

12:21

him with a half-wit youth player every

12:23

day! But you're about fucking 80!

12:27

Is your mind drifting or something? Are you on the

12:29

pills?

12:29

Like half the rest of this fucking Todd Kingdom?

12:32

What did you say?

12:33

I love you another 72 years of

12:35

age and that, in Orpheus, is

12:37

a meagre 31 years old! What

12:40

the fuck? What the fuck was that you said?

12:42

Meagre! Meagre! Meagre!

12:45

Meagre! Meagre! Are you

12:47

a fucking deaf, you little pot of nonsense? Wilfred,

12:51

get out of here now! At that command,

12:53

Wilfred Saha strides through the door,

12:55

wearing metallic R-Effect armor

12:58

and yielding a huge steel-effect axe.

13:00

He believes himself to be Grimbor

13:03

Ironhide, commander of the greenskin

13:05

orcs.

13:09

Look, Wilfred, give this little prick a

13:11

clout with your axe! Why,

13:14

what has he done, Puss? Oh, he's accused

13:16

me of having mind drifts and being on the nerve

13:18

pills! Now, as your Raining Lord

13:20

of Distraction, I'll command you to

13:23

clap him up a bit! Saha

13:25

took a few steps towards Neil

13:27

and raised his steel-effect axe above

13:29

his head, preparing to strike.

13:31

Now,

13:34

hold on! Now, fuck, just fucking

13:37

hold on! This is a private

13:39

fucking pottery, and who in the name of

13:41

a lifelong fucked contest is

13:44

this bogus

13:44

fucking Todd Warrior? I'm

13:48

a representation of Grimbor Ironhide,

13:50

you know, the warlord of the greenskin orcs.

13:53

My armor is forged in blood and my sword,

13:55

Gitsnik, is a right bastard, innit?

13:58

Is this something to- to do with Wardama.

14:02

Wardama! For

14:05

fucks sake, you

14:07

speak like a fucking goblin with a mouthful

14:09

of piss. Just get out. Both

14:11

of you get out of my pottery or phone the police.

14:14

Or I might even phone my brother and you should know he

14:16

owns a fucking sword emporium in

14:18

High Wycombe. The

14:20

police aren't going to be much good against Grimgo

14:23

Ironhide. He's a fucking lunatic. Stuck

14:25

down Grimgo. I'm well born of him. Sahar

14:28

raised his axe again and bought it down

14:31

on Neil's skull.

14:35

The shaft of the axe disintegrated

14:37

immediately on impact. Neil was totally

14:40

uninjured. Polysty... Poly

14:43

fucking styrene. You're up

14:45

against Neil Hunt nonsense Potter and

14:47

you come armed with a fucking axe from clown

14:49

school. Fuck sake Wilford. You've been cutting

14:52

corners on the old weapon ring. Did you bring any

14:54

potions where you could lob into this muppets face? Yeah

14:56

I got a small pouch of devil's hemlock in

14:59

it. Oh lob it into his mosh and you skinny freak.

15:01

Sahar immediately took a small glass bottle out

15:04

of his slacks out of

15:06

the slacks beneath his fake armour and threw

15:08

a quick through a thick green liquid

15:10

into Neil's

15:11

face. Ah

15:16

Jesus it's viscous. Is

15:18

it fucking acid? Have you done a fucking

15:20

dance floor attack on me? Why would

15:22

you do that to lovely old me? I

15:25

give money to shit donkeys. Hold

15:27

on is this fairy fucking

15:30

liquid?

15:32

Yeah well spotted. You know real hemlock

15:34

is well crunchy to get hold of innit. You're

15:36

using a detergent in the heat of battle you

15:39

witless bollock. Come on if that's all

15:41

you've got on your lock we better fuck off. I had this

15:43

miserable clay shit hole. This bulk is

15:45

one angry muppet. Yes yes go on

15:47

you pair of tawn warriors. Fuck off

15:49

out of here. I'm

15:50

Neil Hunt and I'm loving my fucking

15:53

life. And Neil laughed

15:55

and laughed as if every single grain of sand

15:58

in his kiln was delivering the pot.

15:59

punchline to a political joke.

16:03

A-Cast powers the world's

16:06

best podcasts. Here's a show

16:09

that

16:11

we

16:13

recommend.

16:22

There's a twin mattress just

16:24

laying on the floor.

16:26

There's a video camera that is set

16:28

up on a tripod. And then there's like

16:30

a little lamp. This is what we call

16:32

a dungeon.

16:34

Hi, I'm Yardley Smith. Guess

16:37

what? Season 12 of Small Town

16:39

Dicks is here!

16:41

She says, I've never been more terrified

16:43

in a room with a patient before as I am with

16:46

this man here. I say,

16:48

if you keep me on based on what I saw

16:50

out there at the crime scene,

16:51

I'm going to turn into a defense witness. The

16:54

hair on the back of my neck was standing

16:56

up. Small Town Dicks Season 12

16:59

is out now. Don't miss it.

17:03

A-Cast helps creators launch, grow

17:06

and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

17:09

A-Cast.com

17:16

I tell you who else has popped in just out

17:19

there now. There's Roy Hudson. Let's

17:21

get him in. Roy, come

17:24

on. All

17:27

right, Roy, how are you doing? Hello, you arseholes.

17:29

What do you want now? Just

17:31

a quick chat, see how you are. What have you been up

17:33

to? I've been sitting in a quiet

17:35

cafe, writing up my Christmas list. All

17:38

right, nice. And what are you hoping to get? Is that

17:40

a trick question, you futile little man? No, I'm genuine. What are you

17:42

hoping to get? Christ alive.

17:45

Top of mine and any right thinking person's

17:47

Christmas list is a new Primus

17:49

Intercessor Warhammer action figure. Warhammer.

17:52

Warhammer. Warhammer.

17:55

Warhammer.

17:56

Warhammer.

17:59

And what's that?

17:59

What was the figure called? Flamo-O-Sinsessa! Ok,

18:02

I've got it. I had heard

18:04

of it to be honest. That's because you're a trivial

18:06

individual it's like. Yeah, no need for that

18:08

right? There's no need for that. Yep, tell us about it

18:10

then. Well it's the first ever WarRama

18:12

action figure. It's a collectible grade, posable

18:15

model with over 50 points of articulation.

18:18

The build quality and the paint finish her fucking

18:21

dream come true. Nice, nice. It

18:23

was very nice indeed. They've captured features

18:25

like the Imperial ringless on his breastplate and

18:28

distinctive mark ex faceplate in

18:29

very crisp detail while remaining

18:32

faithful to everything that makes a space marine

18:34

instantly recognisable. Massive

18:36

pauldrons, looming backpack vents,

18:39

flared greaves and of course the belt rifle.

18:41

Though I really don't understand it

18:43

and stand at it but you seem very happy about it. Well

18:45

they haven't finished it Dickman. The paint finishes

18:48

intricate and vibrant, resplendent

18:50

in the blue heraldry of the ultra marines.

18:53

And here's a very nice detail. The squad

18:55

market showed this figure to be a warrior

18:58

from the third battalion squad

19:00

of the second company. Oh yeah and is that a good

19:02

thing? It's fucking blinding. Everything

19:05

about this model was crafted with attention to detail

19:07

and reverence for the source material.

19:10

But of course it also promises to be really

19:12

fancy playing with. Right are you just reading

19:14

out a press release? No fuck off.

19:17

Well alright, calm down right.

19:19

Sorry, I'm just nervous I'm missing out on it. Alright,

19:22

who do you reckon is going to buy it for you then? Well

19:24

I've been dropped with some subtle hints of the palace

19:26

lads. I put a big picture of it on the first

19:28

team that was bought with a warning that

19:30

they don't have a whip round to get me it or

19:32

send them all on like the Truro.

19:35

Truro. Truro.

19:37

Truro. Truro. I

19:40

can't be asked for anything

19:42

in this warwear shop so I'm not going to get some new

19:44

paints. Alright. See you later.

19:47

Good luck. Clowns. Warmer

19:49

man. Right.

19:51

He doesn't like it when people

19:53

don't emotionally invest

19:55

in his hobby of choice. Do you

19:57

think that's Sahar and Andrus Townsend?

19:59

want to play with him. What do you

20:02

think he forces him at? No, I think he's making

20:04

them do it. He's making them do it. He's

20:06

making them do it. He's making them do it. A

20:08

bit sad though, isn't it? He grand a month extra. He'll play

20:10

a war armour twice a week with him. And I don't know,

20:12

that's how capitalism works, I suppose.

20:17

We've managed to get Roy Hudson to join us on the

20:19

line, live from his home where

20:21

he's living in lockdown. Are

20:24

you there, Roy? Hello, is

20:26

this the thing? Yeah, hi Roy, it's Bobby,

20:29

yeah? Bob, are you the

20:31

one with the face, not the boxing glove? Sorry

20:34

Roy, I missed that. How are you coping with quarantine,

20:36

Roy? Oh, very enjoyable,

20:39

thank you. It's allowing me to dedicate

20:41

a lot more time to my main passion in life.

20:44

Let me guess, right, it's not football,

20:46

is it?

20:47

No, no, it's not. War

20:49

armour. War armour. War

20:52

armour. War armour. No,

20:55

war armour. War armour.

21:00

Yeah, you part locust. Is there

21:02

a fault on the line, or something? No, it's fine

21:04

at this end, Roy. Are you still able to play

21:06

war armour then, Roy? You know, with the

21:08

lockdown, you're usually playing Crystal

21:11

Palace players, aren't you? So how would you play?

21:14

All you need is

21:16

my war evidence. I'll be catered

21:18

for, and I'm very happy. So you've got an

21:20

opponent, your wife, something like that?

21:23

No, not my wife. I love her very

21:25

much. But she doesn't have the mental dexterity

21:27

required in order to give me a satisfactory

21:29

war armour experience. I'll be playing

21:31

against myself, or I must say, I'm

21:34

my trickiest opponent to date. But

21:36

it's a very tense battle over the past few weeks.

21:40

So your wife isn't involved at all? Well, so

21:42

what's she been doing to keep herself occupied?

21:45

Well, she's been spending most of her time with her

21:47

friend, Christine, who will stay with us for

21:49

a long weekend when the lockdown was announced. Christine

21:53

has been here ever since. Well, that's

21:55

nice. And I'd say it's not just the two of you, I

21:57

suppose. Are they OK

21:59

while you're busy?

21:59

with the war hammer? Whoa, yeah,

22:02

they're spending a lot of time to give her a plane. Rummy

22:05

Cub. Sorry, what RUM Cub? Rummy

22:08

Cub. Rummy Cub. It's

22:11

a town based game for two to four players, combining

22:13

elements of the card game Rummy and

22:15

Marzong. Rummy? Rummy. Rummy.

22:19

Rummy. And have you not? Rummy

22:21

and Marzong. Okay, Rummy

22:24

and have you not been joining in with them, right? I've

22:27

never asked me to. Oh, would

22:29

you like, would you actually like to be playing Rummy

22:31

Cub? No, no, not really.

22:34

I've got my war hammer dead set up with a garage.

22:36

I've got snacks and pop. I'm very happy

22:38

on my own, thank you. Do you not get bored,

22:41

right? It'd be nice to play Rummy Cub maybe

22:43

once, no?

22:44

No, I don't want to play Rummy Cub. I don't think Christine

22:46

likes me. I don't care anyway. Well,

22:50

if you're sure, look, I hope you're okay, right?

22:53

Oh, tip top. Yeah, war hammer's all I need. I

22:55

have to go now because

22:57

my favourite war hammer YouTuber is

22:59

about to do a live stream in a minute. What's

23:02

his

23:02

name? Chris Phipps. Oh, okay.

23:05

Bye then, Roy. Bye. Bye,

23:07

bye. War hammer. War hammer.

23:10

Bye. I think he's a bit upset, don't you? I

23:12

think he might be. I think he's missing. I think Christine

23:15

has taken his wife's attention away. Looks

23:18

that way. It looks like Christine and the wife are all right, aren't

23:21

they? They're at me with their Rummy Cub. Roy

23:23

in his garage. Oh, well, it'll be over soon,

23:25

hopefully.

23:29

So, Andrew, we got Roy Hodgson

23:31

on the line from his home. I'll

23:34

look after this. Hello, Roy.

23:37

Who? Is this the thing? Yes,

23:40

it is, Roy. How are you doing? Oh,

23:42

not great. Not great. I know.

23:44

What's wrong? I've

23:47

been locked in my garage for the

23:49

past 72 hours. I'll

23:52

tell you what happened, Roy. Someone

23:54

knows you're in there, yeah? Oh, yeah,

23:56

yeah. My wife and her friend Christine,

23:59

who stay with us.

23:59

during isolation, they're both aware

24:02

of my uh, yeah. So

24:05

are they not letting you out or something? My

24:07

wife and her friend Christine are responsible

24:09

for my incarceration. Sorry,

24:12

for your what? Incarceration, incarceration!

24:16

Oh, incarceration, sorry, right, yeah. So

24:18

how did this happen? We

24:22

were all having a nice game of rummy

24:24

cup.

24:25

Sorry, what? Rummy cup? Rummy

24:28

cup, rummy cup, you know, the title-based

24:31

game for two to four players combining

24:33

elements of the game, rummy and

24:35

marshal, rummy cup.

24:37

Okay. And

24:41

I might have unleashed a pair of

24:43

neuro gauntlets and a small army

24:45

of Chaos Space Marines on their asses.

24:48

Oh, I got carried away.

24:50

Are they not legitimate in rummy

24:52

cup? No, it's a fucking war hammer, aren't

24:55

they? Oh, all right, I'm sorry.

24:59

I got confused, I got confused and overexcited. So

25:01

what happened to the game then? Well, it

25:04

all got a little bit all smashed up in

25:06

that. Right, and now you've

25:09

been locked in the garage, right? Yeah, I

25:11

have. I've been told it's for my own good. And

25:13

have you learned anything from this, Roy?

25:16

Yes, I've learned that I've got no interest

25:18

in any other games than war hammer. And

25:20

also that my wife's friend Christine is

25:23

a bitch. Gee. Right,

25:26

all right, that's enough, that's enough, right? I'll have to stop

25:28

you there. We can't have that kind of language, sorry.

25:32

Whatever, fuck, Robbie Cubb,

25:34

fucking in the eye.

25:36

I've cut him off, Bob, sorry. I've just cut

25:38

him off there. Yeah, no, you do right. You do right. That's

25:41

not acceptable. It is not.

25:45

I am delighted to say

25:47

that we're joined. He's just come, there he is. We're

25:50

joined on our Zoom call by Roy

25:53

Hodgson. Oh, nice.

25:55

Hello? Hello, Roy. Hello,

25:57

yes? Roy, are you... in

26:00

your garage, that's where

26:02

we saw you a few months ago, in your garage. No,

26:04

I'm still in the garage. My wife's best friend,

26:06

Christine, is still staying

26:09

with us.

26:09

My wife and Christine both had the virus

26:12

in April and now they're both suffering

26:14

from long COVID. As

26:17

you probably know, they both need to stay currently

26:19

together for 12 months. So I'm

26:22

living in the garage.

26:23

Do you know what? I'm not sure 12 months. I don't think

26:25

that's the rule, Roy. No, no, no, no. My

26:28

wife assures me it definitely is. And

26:30

I don't think she'd like to be about something like that. I

26:32

hardly think that she'd prefer Christine's company

26:35

to my own. Oh, it's fine

26:37

now. She lives my meals by the door box

26:39

at the time. Sometimes she

26:41

forgets, but she says that's one of the symptoms

26:44

of the long COVID. But, you know, it's

26:46

very trying time for all of us. Yeah,

26:49

well, it definitely is right. You're

26:51

looking forward to Christmas though. Oh, very

26:54

much so, Bob. Yeah, I'll be upright

26:56

and early on Christmas day to play

26:58

Woowhemer Chaos Blaine Slayer

27:01

Edition on my brand new PS5.

27:04

Sorry, what is that? Woowhemer.

27:08

Woowhemer. Woowhemer.

27:11

Woowhemer. Woowhemer. Woowhemer.

27:15

The PS5 version includes

27:17

the Tomb Kings expansion and

27:20

the new Witch Hunter class.

27:22

Oh, sounds pretty good, Roy, yeah.

27:24

Pretty good. It's going to be amazing. It's

27:27

set in the old world ravaged by war

27:29

and dominated by magic. And the player's

27:31

mission is to rise up and face

27:34

the Chaos Hordes. You can choose

27:36

a hero from six character classes,

27:38

equip the most powerful artifacts,

27:41

and prepare for epic fights. Sweet

27:43

as a fucking nut.

27:45

So, you managed to get a PS5

27:48

console then. They're pretty hard to get, aren't they? Oh,

27:50

I haven't got it yet, but my gold king, the Vincinte,

27:53

Guelheria, has promised they'll

27:55

be able to get me one as long as I keep picking him in

27:57

the team.

27:59

the Kepoo letting seven against Liverpool last

28:02

weekend yeah?

28:03

Oh yeah what of it? Yeah

28:07

hmm Oh that

28:10

bloody know he sticks me up doesn't he? I

28:13

don't know really Oh yes yes

28:16

he's duped me at the pick of him with the promise

28:18

of a PS5 in me garage at Christmas

28:20

this is a classic we'll eat them loose

28:23

A what? A we'll

28:25

eat them loose! Look

28:28

we'll eat them loose! Oh

28:30

we'll cut right okay yep Oh

28:32

bloody oh am I gonna face down the chaos

28:35

swords now? He's shit all over my Christmas!

28:37

Yeah well hopefully not right? We'll

28:44

leave you to sort that out actually right so

28:46

Merry Christmas to you

28:48

We'll eat them loose!

28:51

Oh whoops Was he gone?

28:53

Yeah didn't go too well did you? Yeah mate

28:55

that doesn't sound good for Roy does it? Yeah

28:58

he's been duped he's been duped or duped or

29:00

something like that Oh I'm roose

29:03

A roose Hey

29:06

we've got Roy Ochon joining us on the line

29:09

now Andy here he comes hello Roy Hello

29:11

there good morning Right

29:14

yeah your contractor Crystal Palace expires

29:16

at the end of the season are you worried about that? Oh

29:20

no be worried what use is the contract?

29:23

Do you think the lizard men signed the contract

29:25

with the old ones before they were plunged

29:27

into the jungles of the lustre of continent?

29:31

I'm sorry I don't know what you're on about Oh

29:36

it's obvious! Wait do you think the undead

29:38

signed the legally binding document with

29:40

Nae Gosh the necromancer after

29:42

he created them using Dark Soul City?

29:46

Oh this is warmama

29:48

innit Roy? Yeah it's warmama

29:50

of course it's bloody warmama! Warmama

29:53

is the truth and the light! Warmama!

29:56

Warmama! Warmama!

30:00

Who am I?

30:01

Who am I? So

30:04

you're not bothered about the contract thing then, Roy? No, I'm

30:07

cool still. In this alternate version

30:09

of Who Am I that we laughably

30:11

call life, my chairman Steve

30:13

Parrish is Nagash and I am the

30:15

Head Dead.

30:17

And what does that make Celos Park?

30:20

It's just a football ground, isn't it? Right,

30:23

so no concerns about your future

30:25

then, Roy?

30:26

Your future? What is future? It's

30:29

something we've got no control over, isn't it? Maybe

30:31

in my future I'll move to Zürich

30:34

and open a wallpaper themed cafe with 6

30:36

foot by 4 foot tables for people who

30:38

want to eat, drink and play wallpaper

30:41

all day long.

30:43

Sorry, where was that, Rob?

30:45

Zürich? Zürich! Zürich! He's

30:48

fizzling! Zürich!

30:51

Oh Zürich! Zürich! Zürich!

30:54

Okay, yeah, right, right, right, gotcha, yeah. Yeah, well,

30:57

oh, or maybe I'll just stick around and sell

30:59

Wilfred Zard a parcel for 50 million quid.

31:02

Oh, there's a third option. Oh

31:05

yeah, is there? Yeah, I'll move

31:07

to Zürich,

31:08

open the wallpaper cafe, but

31:10

Nagash, sorry, Steve Parrish still

31:13

allows me to manage Crystal Palace from

31:15

a distance, from afar. Whenever

31:17

he needs a decision on football matters, he

31:20

sends a bright R-shaped light into the sky, which

31:23

I call the Roy Signal.

31:25

That sounds a bit like Batman's Bat

31:27

Signal. No, it's different,

31:29

this is Roy Signal, Roy Signal!

31:32

And what happens when he sends up

31:34

the Roy Single Signal? Signal?

31:37

I'll see it in the night sky, it's Zürich,

31:41

it's Zürich, and then I'll ring him,

31:43

see what he wants. Well,

31:45

wouldn't it be easier for you just to ring you in the

31:47

first place? No, I've

31:49

already built the fucking thing on top of the arth,

31:51

I'll watch then!

31:54

Oh, okay then. I think

31:57

we've run out of time, Roy, sorry. Very

32:00

well. Well, I tell you what, next time you want me to come

32:02

on, just go down to Sellers Park and

32:04

activate the Roy signal.

32:06

Roy? Oh, Roy, I

32:08

probably won't, to be honest. Oh.

32:11

Roy signal! Yeah,

32:14

thank you, Roy. Oh, well, well. Oh,

32:16

well, well. Yeah, see you, Roy. Bye.

32:19

He seemed chirpy, didn't he? Yeah, in a good mood,

32:21

looking towards the future. In

32:24

Zurich, he says. Looking to the future in Zurich.

32:27

Nice. Acast

32:31

powers the world's

32:34

best podcasts.

32:52

Here's the show that we recommend. There's

32:56

a twin mattress just

32:58

laying on the floor. There's

33:00

a video camera that is set up on

33:02

a tripod. And then there's like a little

33:04

lamp. This is what we call a dungeon.

33:08

Hi, I'm Yardley Smith. Guess

33:10

what? Season 12 of Small Town

33:13

Dicks is here.

33:14

She says, I've never been more terrified

33:17

in a room with a patient before as I am with

33:19

this man here. I say,

33:21

if you keep me on based on what I saw

33:24

out there at the crime scene, I'm going to turn into

33:26

a defense witness. The hair on

33:28

the back of my neck was standing up.

33:30

Small Town Dicks Season 12

33:32

is out now. Don't miss it.

33:36

Acast helps creators launch, grow

33:39

and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

33:42

Acast.com.