0:00

This is the authentic sex

0:02

podcast and real life conversations about

0:04

sex, pleasure, and relationships. I'm

0:07

your host Juliet Power.

0:14

Welcome to episode number one hundred

0:16

and forty seven of the Authentic Sex

0:18

Podcast. My name is Juliette

0:21

Allen. I'm a sexologist and

0:23

sex and relationship coach. And

0:25

today on the podcast, I have a

0:27

really special guest. Her name is

0:29

Claire Fair. She is a holistic sleep

0:32

consultant. and I have invited

0:35

her on the show today because

0:37

I get so many parents DMing me

0:39

asking me about sleep and

0:42

how they're sleep deprived and how

0:44

it's affecting their libido and causing

0:46

challenges in their relationship and their sex

0:48

life. And we

0:50

discovered Claire. Well, actually, I'm not gonna talk

0:53

about that because we talk about it in the

0:55

interview. How I

0:57

stumbled upon Claire. but she's

0:59

helped us heat with our little boy.

1:01

Claire is a mom of two toddlers. She

1:04

is married to her high school sweetheart

1:06

Josh and is a passionate advocate for

1:08

biologically normal infant sleep.

1:11

As a certified holistic sleep

1:13

specialist, Claire works with little

1:15

ones up to age five, usually truly

1:18

a gentle, responsive, and attachment

1:20

focus approaches to get the whole family

1:23

sleeping better. Yay. Claire

1:25

has helped us so much, so I wanted to

1:28

get her on the show. to give

1:30

parents tips on how they can

1:32

have their children sleeping more so

1:34

that they can then be more well rested

1:36

so that their sex life can thrive. So

1:39

this one is particularly for parents. If

1:41

you're listening and you're like, god, Angela,

1:43

why did you do this? I'm not a parent. This isn't

1:45

interesting. wait for next

1:48

Next week gonna be juicy. But

1:51

bookmark this because one day if you do

1:53

become a parent, this one will

1:55

be one that you'll circle back to for sure.

1:58

So yeah, without

1:59

further ado introducing you

2:02

to number one hundred and forty seven

2:04

of the Authentic Sex Podcasts This

2:06

episode of Authentic Sex is

2:08

sponsored by the Juliet pleasure wand.

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website, WWW

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dot juliet,

2:33

alan dot com. Thanks for

2:35

coming on the show, Claire. I'm so excited

2:37

for this chat. You are so welcome.

2:39

I'm so excited to be here. I'm

2:42

more safe before I hit record that

2:45

this episode is going to be,

2:47

like, gold for parents. And

2:50

then for the non parents, they're gonna be

2:52

like, boring. Yeah.

2:54

I don't really know about babies. I

2:57

know. But Trust me if you're listening

2:59

and you're not a parent. I promise you one day

3:01

when if if you ever become

3:03

a parent, you will circle back to this episode

3:05

and be like, oh, I get it. I get it. Yeah.

3:09

So today, I wanna talk about

3:11

how parents can get more sleep because

3:14

as you know,

3:16

it's just such a big one when we've been

3:18

parents.

3:20

Like I sleep, then impacts our libido

3:22

and then causes challenges

3:25

in relationships and -- Yeah.

3:27

--

3:28

yeah. So you're the

3:29

perfect ideal person that they have on.

3:31

And

3:31

what I love about you is that you approach things

3:34

really holistically.

3:34

So

3:35

that, you know, is in line with my

3:38

values, my values, and just

3:40

my life in general. And that's

3:43

But

3:43

a lot about you. Uh-huh.

3:45

So yeah.

3:46

Yeah. I'm

3:47

here. I just wanna

3:49

give people a bit of a back around of how

3:51

I found you. Yes.

3:53

So

3:54

as you already know, so I'm just

3:56

speaking to everyone. Yeah. So So

3:59

I

3:59

we have our little

4:01

boy who's now fourteen months old,

4:04

and

4:04

we got to stage

4:06

when he was about, I think, one

4:08

where we've been close for here

4:10

and loving it,

4:13

but also I was ready for, like,

4:15

a bit more intimacy. And I

4:17

wanted to be able to go to sleep and

4:19

huddle Nick more and I

4:21

wanted more sex. And

4:23

also, Sol was waking

4:26

up, like,

4:27

so many times a night. Like, he was breaking up a

4:29

lot. Yeah. He

4:30

he just started it was just this

4:32

stage of, like, six to eight times a

4:34

night, I was always feeding him. And I

4:36

just -- Yeah. -- I found myself

4:38

awake in the night.

4:40

just laying their feeling and thinking, I've got

4:42

to

4:42

do something. Like, I don't want

4:44

to do this, like

4:45

I did with my daughter. because with

4:47

my daughter, I just

4:49

I

4:49

was kinda like as my mom would say, I slogged

4:52

it out for, like,

4:52

three years. Oh, yeah.

4:54

Yeah. I didn't know who to ask

4:56

advice from. No.

4:58

I

4:58

had no one. So anyway, I put

5:00

a call out to some of my moms I knew in

5:03

Byron and was like, I need someone to help, but they

5:05

need to be holistic, and they need to get closer to

5:07

me. And someone sent me your Instagram,

5:09

and the rest is history. And and

5:11

look -- Yeah. -- we are. On a podcast. Yeah.

5:13

So I did a session with you Yes.

5:15

Nick and I did, which I think is really important

5:17

to mention. We have a partner present.

5:20

Yeah. And then

5:22

I just wanna announce that.

5:24

And I'm like, no joke a

5:26

couple of days. Things had shifted.

5:28

And then within a week, I was inboxing and

5:30

was like, oh my god. He just slipped to, like, two

5:32

AM. What I was so excited.

5:35

I'm so sorry, but you guys did amazing.

5:38

Yeah. Great. We had

5:40

big changes in shifts. and --

5:42

Yeah. -- and it's changed

5:44

a

5:44

lot. So

5:46

here

5:46

we are. Here we are. You know,

5:48

and what was so funny was when you

5:50

messaged me, from

5:53

your Instagram.

5:53

I've been calling you for ages like

5:56

we talked about before. And

5:58

it's a topic that comes up

5:59

so

5:59

frequently in consults, and I hadn't

6:02

put you

6:02

as you together

6:04

with you on your Instagram page

6:06

And you did and you're like, oh my gosh. They're

6:09

following you for ages and spending, like,

6:11

clients your way when they kind

6:13

of express frustrations. about,

6:16

like, intimacy in their relationships. I just

6:18

want to start a small world. It all comes full

6:20

circle of that. It all does. Yeah.

6:22

That was fine. You're like, oh my god. It's

6:24

you. We just have a dead salt. I don't

6:26

know.

6:26

Oh, I got the social

6:29

media world. It's just why. that

6:31

it is wild. Yeah. To

6:33

tell people a bit about you, you're a holistic,

6:35

sleep consultant. Did I get a

6:37

chance? You are correct. and oh,

6:39

gosh. It's like the wild west in the sleep

6:41

world, in the sleep world. And I think it's important

6:43

to know there's a big difference between,

6:46

I guess, sleep training

6:48

or traditional sleep trainers

6:51

and somebody who's actually

6:53

certified as a holy seat sleep

6:55

specialist because the word holy speak, I think,

6:57

it's become a bit of a buzz, so it kind of

6:59

float around and break them to the scale. But

7:01

as a holy speak sleep specialist, we

7:03

focus on and the whole

7:05

family

7:05

supporting that everybody's

7:08

sleep, optimizing

7:08

everybody's sleep. And we're only making

7:10

changes in a holistic

7:12

attachment focused and responsive way.

7:14

So there's no separation

7:17

or cry based behavior modification. There's

7:20

no recommendations. You know, like,

7:22

oh, gosh. Like, and none of the you're creating

7:24

a road for your own back or you have to

7:26

do these, these, and these, or you're gonna be stuck like

7:28

that forever. It's always working

7:30

within. I guess, like, a family's goal is what they

7:32

comfortable with. And then making

7:34

shifts in a way that is

7:37

responsive and

7:39

respect of the attachment relationship and

7:41

at a pace that everyone feels good about as well,

7:43

which I think is the main difference. Mhmm.

7:46

Yeah. between the two. The

7:48

two. I love that it just made

7:50

that distinction too. Yes. It's

7:52

slick training, quote unquote, can

7:54

get quite a bad rap in, I

7:56

guess

7:57

well, especially where I live. Everyone's a

7:59

bit

7:59

more alternative in LA. Yeah. Sleep training.

8:02

But then for other people, it really is

8:04

something that they're like, oh, wow. This worked

8:06

for us. And so -- Definitely. -- respect to

8:08

them, that that that that that that that that's what they chose.

8:10

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I love about

8:12

you is that

8:13

you're not you I knew you

8:14

weren't gonna be like, oh, you know, you could

8:16

just, like,

8:18

Living to cry.

8:20

And that's something that I just

8:22

feel a big no to. And I always

8:24

have even when I was really young,

8:26

with

8:27

my daughter. I was

8:27

twenty three when she was born. And

8:30

at that young age, I still had this

8:32

very strong intuitive hit of, like, no,

8:34

I'm not gonna do that even though I

8:36

know. my members telling me that's what I should be

8:38

doing. Yeah. I was like,

8:40

no.

8:40

This is not good. Yeah.

8:42

I've had to admit that. Yeah. And

8:44

I think it also comes so

8:47

so much this sleep is temperament. And if you

8:49

have a really chill baby, like, maybe

8:51

you do something like that and they might even

8:53

cry. Like, they might be so relaxed,

8:55

but as soon as you have a little one that is

8:57

sensitive to change or

8:59

just sensitive to to everything,

9:01

really. Your experience is

9:03

well different. It can be really difficult

9:06

for parents as well as

9:08

children. Mhmm. And I think that's where it

9:10

gets murky because, of course,

9:12

a lot of the things that you do, I guess, with

9:14

traditional sleep training, can sometimes

9:16

feel like an internal conflict with your

9:18

own parenting bellies. I know I experienced

9:20

that before first. So, yeah,

9:23

I think it

9:23

it's an important thing to know. There's

9:26

another alternative. There's another option.

9:28

It doesn't have to look like that

9:30

for sure. And

9:31

it was. It played

9:33

out. It died. I was skeptical.

9:35

No. I'm gonna tell you what I was like.

9:37

Everyone is. I was like,

9:39

I'm gonna do one hour session with this

9:41

woman, and it's going to help. Like I've read

9:43

the reviews, I was like, how can it

9:45

help? This is really bad. And

9:47

I'm like, he's up a lot. And I

9:49

think we can do that. Yeah. And

9:51

yeah. And it actually really

9:53

works. So I

9:56

okay. So let's dive in. I

9:58

just wanna say to those who are

9:59

still listening. My aim for

10:02

this podcast that my intention for this

10:04

episode is to talk

10:05

to you, Claire, and

10:08

give people some tips on how they

10:10

can get more sleep. so that they can have

10:12

more sex because -- Yeah. -- more

10:14

less less more sex. And so -- Yeah. --

10:15

bear with

10:16

us because we might go up on tangents. But

10:18

--

10:18

That's not -- I I will bring

10:20

it back. Yeah. We'll bring it back and

10:23

we yeah. We'll help

10:25

you have a better software, basically.

10:26

Oh, yeah. A hundred percent. So

10:29

it was spoken about what a holistic sleep consultant

10:32

specialist is. Mhmm. And

10:34

you mentioned that the, you know, you don't

10:36

do, like, cry it out variations.

10:38

Just just I just wanna look,

10:41

what does that

10:41

mean? Oh, gosh.

10:43

Yes. So cried out

10:46

variation. I get this question a lot. So

10:48

the

10:48

trickling is in the

10:49

sleep world. And what I fell into with POSCO

10:51

was I who's my oldest. He's

10:53

three and a half now. is I

10:55

hired a gentle sleep

10:58

specialist who focused on

11:00

gentle approaches and I

11:01

got in there paid all

11:03

this money to get a consult, really express. I

11:05

didn't wanna do any control cry, any

11:07

cry out. They're like, yeah, absolutely. And

11:09

then what I got was a plan that

11:11

included spaced tubing, which

11:14

is timed increments in an order of

11:16

just smaller increments. So

11:18

it went up to twenty minutes as opposed

11:20

to an hour, for example. And

11:22

it only lasted one night. It was

11:24

awful. Like, he he's highly

11:26

sensitive, so he's screened the whole

11:28

time. And know. And when

11:30

I contacted them, they basically

11:32

said that I'd just keep it in. So

11:34

I don't know if it had it worked just because I gave

11:36

in. And I was like, but it was going for hours.

11:38

I was like,

11:39

I think I expressed I really didn't

11:41

wanna do control crying. Like, this isn't control

11:43

crying. This is fake feeling. And I was

11:45

like, what is the same,

11:46

but in their mind, it wasn't the same. And

11:49

that's why I'm meaning when I talk about no cried

11:51

out variations, is there's

11:53

no there's never gonna be

11:55

a time where we use

11:56

cry based behavior modification in

11:58

any period of

11:59

time at all. And to, I guess, all to

12:02

your babies,

12:03

the behavior

12:04

around sleep. Now that doesn't

12:06

mean they're not going to cry because of

12:08

course, babies communicate for

12:10

crying big change can bring big

12:12

emotions depending on temperament. It really depends

12:14

on how that's going to look. But

12:16

the focus is on regulation.

12:19

kind of responding to the crime,

12:21

more so than using it as a way to

12:23

stop a behavior if that makes sense.

12:26

So, yeah, that's what that looks like. because the

12:28

variations of control cryo are wild as

12:30

space loving responses suddenly sit back

12:32

like all these different things

12:34

with different names that in essence

12:36

just use timed increments of leaving your

12:38

baby to cry until they stop still

12:40

for you to come.

12:41

Yeah. I I like it just

12:43

it just does not feel right. for me to

12:45

do that. But why do you know

12:47

why the reasoning behind

12:49

not knowing that? Like, why

12:51

not she's okay to us a bit? Yeah.

12:54

So what we know

12:55

about

12:57

events now especially, because

12:59

we have to remember, like, a lot of this information

13:01

came from, like, fifty years ago.

13:03

We just didn't have a lot of it,

13:05

well, not we I was not alive,

13:07

but the information we have now just wasn't

13:09

available back then. What we

13:11

know is children do not have a

13:13

neurological capacity to

13:16

self soothe. So when they're

13:18

heightened, they cannot self regulate

13:20

or down regulate themselves. They

13:22

really rely on a mature

13:23

brain loss as adults

13:25

to kind of correlate

13:26

with them. and sued them

13:28

and through countless

13:31

instances of co regulation,

13:33

will they then develop the ability to

13:35

self regulate And the all

13:36

the research we have into that effect doesn't

13:38

usually start until top of the head, like

13:40

somewhere between three to five. So

13:42

using strategies where

13:44

we leave a child distressed on

13:47

the basis that we're teaching them

13:49

to self

13:49

serve doesn't make sense from

13:51

a neurological perspective

13:53

because the brain is not developed

13:55

enough to do that at all. And

13:57

that's really clear from

14:00

a lot of research, which I can always send to

14:02

people if they're interested. So what we're

14:04

essentially doing when we, I guess, are using

14:06

strategies like that is firstly, probably

14:08

we're desperate and we just don't know that there's

14:10

an old affinity. And that's, I guess, the

14:12

mainstream of the five. That's why I did it.

14:14

Mhmm. But what we basically do is

14:16

we just stop

14:17

a child from billing. So that research

14:19

is really clear, they don't wake any less.

14:21

They don't learn to self

14:23

soothe because they're not capable of self soothing

14:25

just like in the day if they get upset

14:27

over something. they're not capable of down regulating.

14:30

And all that it really teaches is

14:32

that there's no real response from us to

14:34

them, they just kind of stop the signaling

14:37

which I guess is parents would make us feel like,

14:39

oh, it's worked. Right? Like, they're not they're

14:41

not crying anymore. They're putting themselves to

14:43

sleep. And of course, children can

14:44

still settle, which is the

14:46

ability to go from a weight to a sleep. Mhmm.

14:48

But all that the cried out or

14:50

controlled crying would teach

14:52

is that there's

14:53

no real point in the signaling for

14:56

support because there's no real outcome

14:58

in the end, so it just leads for

15:00

them to stop. And because of that, it's

15:02

usually quite quick. So that's where you see a lot of

15:04

people will guarantee and change in three

15:06

days, five days a week or something

15:08

like that. But what

15:10

happens is whenever there's a regression, you

15:12

have to do it however again, which

15:14

is really tricky. So if they get sick

15:17

and they closely with you for a little while and then

15:19

you wanna get them back in the you have to do

15:21

it again. If they learn a new skill in this

15:23

sleepers, little haywire and it starts to wait

15:25

more, you have to do it again. So sometimes I

15:27

think it can feel like this

15:29

once off thing that we do once, we never

15:31

have to repeat it. But, no, like, I

15:33

work with people who've done it, like, ten,

15:35

twelve times.

15:35

but it's been really hard

15:37

on them and it gets progressively

15:39

worse. Or and again,

15:41

this is this is not factual. This is

15:43

my opinion. it tends to get progressively worse

15:45

each time. The more aware, I

15:47

guess, they are of what's happening,

15:49

more distress it can or

15:51

more distress, they can be in the longer it can go

15:53

for, which is often why I think

15:55

families who try to get to a point when they're like, gosh, I

15:57

can't do it again,

15:58

like, I can't. And that's

15:59

-- Yeah. --

16:01

where we get done. Like, it could be distressing

16:03

for the family too, not just

16:05

family. Yeah.

16:07

So

16:07

that's the reasoning

16:08

behind it. And I and I guess on a

16:10

basic level, it just doesn't feel great

16:12

for some people as well, and they just feel comfortable

16:14

with it. They don't really know why, but I

16:17

think Yeah. It's that parental

16:19

intuition, I think, as well. Yeah.

16:20

And that's the biggest thing that

16:22

we need to remember as

16:23

mothers and fathers is

16:25

that we need to trust our

16:27

intuition, like, if it doesn't feel right, really

16:29

isn't right. Yeah. Yeah.

16:31

We know the best for our baby, not

16:34

specialist who's -- Yeah. --

16:36

telling us what exactly

16:38

we're doing as opposed to what it's

16:40

right moment to moment. So Yeah.

16:43

So let's go into so if

16:45

you work with lots of parents and --

16:47

Yeah. -- couples who come to you and do consults,

16:49

like Nick and I did, Yeah.

16:52

What

16:53

are some of the major challenges that

16:55

couples come to you? Yeah. Okay.

16:57

Firstly, that

16:58

Both parents are often exhausted. There's

17:00

a lot of tension sometimes between couples

17:02

because, I guess, the load

17:04

of just parenting. couple

17:07

with sleep deprivation, a lot of the

17:09

time it can be mom

17:11

carrying a lot of the night load, I

17:13

guess, especially because a lot of the issues are frequent

17:16

night waits often

17:17

from fades to get back

17:18

to sleep, which kind of tends to

17:20

sit on mom's shoulders. And then

17:22

if we if I'm working with,

17:24

like, family, which is most common.

17:27

The non feeding parent basically

17:29

ends up in a position where they either

17:32

feel presented by the partner or kind of

17:34

useless in the equation or

17:36

like something needs to shift to

17:38

their own relationship as well.

17:40

So I think frequent night waits, the tension

17:42

that causes them as a couple often

17:45

is the focus. Wanting to make

17:47

shifts to where baby sleeping. So

17:49

lots of families wanting to move from bed sharing at

17:51

a certain point. There would

17:53

be more common ones with frequent night

17:55

waits, bed sharing often cat mapping and things

17:57

like that as well, but usually

17:59

that's like the lower down on the

18:02

priority list. It's more often

18:04

people get these nights into line, we were exhausted, and we

18:06

were like that war with each other. And I

18:08

want to move baby to a separate

18:10

space. He's often not that

18:12

they have but a lot of the times it's just they're they're ready for

18:15

that kind of change. Yeah.

18:17

Cool. I think that yeah. That

18:19

makes sense. And the moving baby

18:21

to a separate space or even moving

18:23

baby from, like, for

18:23

us, it was moving so out

18:26

of our bed and into -- Yeah. -- next

18:28

to us. totally. It's just

18:30

still

18:30

the half the night. So he kinda mostly

18:32

sleeps half the night, but that

18:34

was what we wanted to do too. So

18:36

we can, like, have at least some room

18:39

a bloody Oh, yeah. kinda intimacy. Yeah.

18:41

Literally. because it can be tricky. I think it's,

18:44

like, logistically tricky. It's, like,

18:46

you know, they even being next.

18:48

but also just, I think, on a mental level as

18:50

well. because it is a topic that comes out

18:52

quite frequently. And I was like, oh, you know?

18:54

Like, Oh, no. No. What we can about it? Let's try this,

18:57

this, and this. But I think the

18:59

mental barrier -- Yeah. -- for this,

19:01

like, my child is in my

19:03

bed, which can

19:03

be -- Yeah. -- and I'm doing a blowjob.

19:05

This is weird. Yeah. No. Like

19:08

Yeah. No. It's a thing. It's a thing

19:10

for sure, which I

19:11

mean, that's sometimes where the resentment

19:14

and the

19:14

relationship, you know, from a little bit, it's

19:16

like, oh, gosh. We wanna get

19:18

to

19:18

here. We want to have, like,

19:21

passects like that, we would have some intimacy back. But

19:23

actually, we're trapped over here. And

19:25

my nine month old is kind of

19:27

like

19:27

clocked flopping me. Yeah.

19:28

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. we actually call

19:31

so with much affection and love. We call

19:33

him the wedge

19:34

because, like, you

19:35

know, even now we'll, like, have a cuddle, and

19:37

he literally will, like, wedged in between.

19:40

And, like, you know, or will be, like, getting, you

19:42

know, a bit bit hot and steamy and then,

19:44

like, he's, like, And he's like, oh, he

19:47

was like, oh, he's like a bite of that

19:49

one, and you can steal that erection

19:51

because -- Oh, it's happening now.

19:53

Even in the day now, it's so funny because

19:55

my boys are two and three. And

19:58

even if, like, I just give Josh a cuddle in

19:59

the day, They'll come in, no, no, no,

20:02

no, no, and they'll

20:02

wanna get in and be, like, climbing up. I have to

20:04

be, oh my gosh. Yeah. I

20:07

know. It's common. I guess they all

20:09

do it some say. Or a movie that really used to be,

20:11

like, my mommy, not

20:12

your mommy. My mommy. My mommy. My

20:15

mommy. like, they I'm your mommy, but

20:17

-- Yeah. No. Sorry.

20:19

Yeah.

20:20

Cool. Okay. So

20:23

do couples come to like, does it

20:25

come out in sessions that

20:27

there's sex challenges. Yeah. Do you

20:28

said are you suddenly, like,

20:30

uh-oh, I'm not the relationship. Yeah.

20:32

I'm the slave. Yes. I'll turn. Yeah. am. And

20:34

it's honey for me because I came from,

20:36

like, quite a conservative background. And

20:38

so I've had to do a lot of my own,

20:40

I guess, deconstruction around that.

20:42

But just started. When I started, I'd be like, oh

20:44

my gosh. Which is where

20:47

I would just find pages, like, you'll have to

20:49

be like, this is a great page. Yes.

20:51

I guess

20:51

that's the smart thing to do too. Like, it's

20:54

not your area specialty. So to

20:56

refer out, it's like, hey, like,

20:58

I'm not a sexual relationship but

21:00

here's something you can

21:02

literally, yeah, reach out to. But

21:04

it does come up because, yeah,

21:07

it's because when you're talking about sleep

21:09

holistically, we're often talking about, like, what's

21:11

impacting parents' sleep? What are they

21:13

finding difficult? One of the things that we

21:15

can use is to and it just even help them

21:17

feel like it's more manageable or better rested.

21:19

And I call it, like, quick wins. So I'm like, what are

21:21

the quick wins we can make. So even

21:24

I don't know,

21:24

mom is a night out

21:27

and really struggles to get up in the early hours

21:29

of the morning, but baby's

21:30

an early rise. I was like, can dad

21:33

who is not in early bird. Get up and

21:35

do that way as opposed to the night. I think some

21:37

simple things like that. So often

21:39

a lot of what comes up is, okay,

21:41

like, we're wanting to move from bed say,

21:43

we wanna reduce the night wake and we'll be talking about

21:46

why. Because sometimes there's reasons why people

21:48

wanna make

21:48

change that they could tricky

21:50

for them to do it. Like, my mother-in-law

21:51

said that it's bad when baby's in

21:53

bed. I'd be like, well, let's unpack that and

21:55

talk about the mother-in-law. Like, she's not the

21:57

one sleeping with which I was like

21:59

-- Yeah. So we

22:00

it does come up and a lot of the times the changes

22:03

they're wanting to make are for more times that

22:05

well, we'll say often, it's a

22:07

roundabout way. Say say be, like,

22:09

more time together, more

22:12

closeness. They want bed bed, things

22:14

like that. And then

22:16

sometimes it can it can set it to guess

22:18

tension between Yeah. You can you

22:20

you probably sit there. I can just see it,

22:22

build up, just like that. Yeah.

22:25

because if you bring stuff up if that

22:27

is fucking to you, I think even Nick and I

22:29

had something come up in our session with

22:31

you. And I was like, oh, yeah. don't mind

22:33

also just, like, processing. What's going on? You're like, oh,

22:36

don't mind talking to your session. What? It

22:38

does. I love talking to you guys.

22:40

So I literally walked down and talked to Josh,

22:42

and I was like, that was such a cool

22:44

call because I felt like you both

22:46

very in tune with each other and actually

22:48

interested in, like, unpacking what was

22:50

going on, whereas often, both

22:53

things come up and it's like a brick wall

22:55

against each other. It was honestly one of the

22:57

only consults I've done where I was like, oh, my

22:59

gosh. Like, that was amazing, like, that

23:00

was really I packed it with each

23:03

other, and I wasn't stuck in the middle, like

23:05

navigating. I

23:07

guess that's what we're doing for work. So you'd

23:09

bloody do that. We I didn't

23:12

know

23:12

that at the time, and I was like, I think they were

23:14

tough they must have to be therapists

23:16

or they must to do something to I

23:18

was, like, trying to work out. I was, like, stay

23:21

fascinated, and that's what you dig into it. I was, like, oh,

23:23

that's what I said. No. Thank

23:25

god. Imagine

23:26

if I was like, fuck it

23:27

asshole. Yeah. You're like, oh,

23:30

she's not walking the talk. It

23:31

happens sometimes. It has open. But yeah. So those that's

23:34

where those tensions kind of tend to come up.

23:36

All those topics come up. Mhmm.

23:38

I would say on at least three

23:40

quarters of the consult.

23:42

Yeah. Yeah. So if you're listening to this,

23:45

you're not alone. You're not a

23:47

new parent or not a new parent. Like, I'm a

23:49

new parent. I've been doing it six, ten a new

23:51

parent to soul. And I think with each

23:53

child, each child, as

23:55

you, you know, as you mentioned, has a different

23:57

temperament. And so your

23:59

first baby may have been, like, sleeping through

24:01

really quickly, and the next baby may be up

24:03

all night. So No. No matter where

24:05

you're at in your parenting journey. It's

24:07

really common to have challenges and neither

24:09

them to impact your relationship. So

24:12

let's get into some sleep.

24:15

his

24:15

hips so that we can

24:16

help people and let them

24:19

get more sleep. Yeah. Let

24:21

me look at my because I wanted to

24:23

cover what I -- Yeah. -- like, what I wanna

24:25

know.

24:25

Absolutely. Okay.

24:27

So close

24:27

sleeping and intimacy. Let's talk

24:30

about this. Firstly, let's talk

24:32

about the benefits of co

24:33

sleeping for those who don't know because

24:35

I think in the mainstream

24:37

kind of world, let's call it,

24:39

it can be shunned

24:42

a bit, like, oh, you shouldn't sleep with your

24:44

baby. Yeah. It's not to say. What

24:46

was your thoughts on that Oh, I'm

24:48

a big co sleeping fan. So

24:51

what's interesting is when we look at the actual

24:53

definition of co sleeping,

24:54

it literally just means sleeping baby

24:55

within arm's reach. So they could be in

24:57

their own cup space, just in the family

25:00

bedroom, and they could be in a closely

25:02

department, or they can be in your bed, and

25:04

all of those things are

25:06

close sleeping. So often, families are close sleeping that don't

25:08

even realize. Bed sharing has a

25:10

heap of benefits as well though, and it's

25:12

actually a strategy

25:13

that I use help families get more

25:15

sleep sometimes. There's definitely

25:18

ways that we wanna make sure bed sharing safe.

25:20

You can Google it, the

25:21

safe seven. If you're in Australia

25:24

regardless, Australia has

25:24

an awesome handout on safe

25:26

bed sharing. But if you're right,

25:28

it gets a really bad reputation.

25:30

the researchers to declare that

25:33

it's actually totally fine. If we

25:34

do it safely, it's a very

25:37

small, small, small, small risk.

25:39

if

25:39

really any at all, depending

25:40

I mean, again, it gets tricky because

25:42

research is often grey, but definitely have

25:44

a good dig into it. From an evolutionary

25:47

perspective though. Like, this how we evolved. We're

25:49

a caring species. Babies

25:52

are hardwired to be enclosed

25:54

sensory proximity to their caregiver.

25:57

It's how they attach through the first years,

25:59

through the senses, and they wanna see you, you

26:01

smell your touchy face through dust

26:03

sleeping separately. It's actually really hard

26:05

for them to do. and that's from an

26:07

attachment perspective, but also

26:09

their very survival depends on

26:11

that. So it's really quite tricky,

26:13

and we're kind of working against against

26:15

nature, so to speak, when we are

26:17

trying to get independent

26:19

sleep happening or sleep in a separate

26:22

space. which is where

26:24

often, like, a quick win could actually be to

26:26

use their sharing as a strategy to

26:28

get more rest. Their

26:29

sharing is also the

26:32

norm globally. Like, it's really

26:33

a Westernized. Yeah. Like,

26:36

most places in the world that

26:38

share

26:38

the countries with the lowest

26:40

since rights

26:41

predominantly than sharing countries like

26:43

Japan, for example. So,

26:45

yeah, it's culturally appropriate in

26:48

a lot places as well. And I think that's

26:50

where sleep training also kinda comes on stock or more

26:52

traditional sleep training. It

26:53

doesn't take into consideration,

26:56

cultural, I guess, diversity or differences. But it really

26:58

is a Westernized a Westernized thing. Really

27:00

only in with Australia, America,

27:02

parts of Europe and the UK,

27:05

New Zealand, pretty much

27:06

the early places where there's this, I

27:08

guess, stigma around bed sharing. So it's a

27:10

quite far the norm to encourage people who

27:12

are bed and he feel like they

27:14

do something. Like,

27:15

naughty. I guess it's something that comes up a lot. You

27:18

know? Definitely. No. Yeah.

27:20

It's like there's this thing like, oh, I shouldn't

27:23

be Like, I shouldn't fall into sleep with him or

27:25

her. Yeah. You know,

27:27

III forgot, like, I fell asleep.

27:29

Whatever it is. But I see it as

27:31

just so much easier because,

27:33

like, it's especially in those early

27:35

days when, you know, babies

27:37

up a lot and they are up

27:39

a lot for a reason because they need to be feeding every couple of hours,

27:41

you know, because that's their survival.

27:44

And

27:45

for me to think about getting

27:48

up, especially because both my children were born

27:50

in winter and

27:51

like getting out of

27:53

bed, to

27:53

pick up, like, in the cold and

27:56

then, you know,

27:57

settling and then transferring back into

27:59

a cold, I couldn't

27:59

imagine anything or worse. Like, I just -- So

28:02

-- literally roll over, get I move out.

28:04

Yeah. Feed, sleep. But

28:06

-- Exactly. -- so, like, a lot of the time you get

28:08

better sleep from that setup and something

28:11

they

28:11

see all the time and Actually, research is really clear on

28:13

this

28:13

as well. A lot of the time where

28:16

we haven't set up a safe

28:18

bed sharing environment, what happens is you fall asleep on

28:20

the lounge when your baby you fall

28:22

asleep in a walking chair with your baby, and that's where the

28:24

unsafe part comes into play. And

28:27

that's so if you look at the research, a lot of

28:29

the the gray area, I think,

28:31

around the of their sharing comes up is

28:33

that it also includes the times of

28:35

parents

28:35

of women sleep on the couch or in the walking

28:37

chair, something like that. And I

28:39

think a lot, like, working with families 101

28:42

means, like, guys are putting you in a fell asleep on the

28:44

lounge, and I'll always be like, hey, not, like, let's

28:46

set up your bed to make it safer. because, of

28:49

course, you're exhausted and depleted. Of course, you're

28:51

gonna fall asleep with them. But we don't wanna

28:53

fall asleep in the lounge or in the rocking chair, it'd be

28:55

much better up to be falling

28:57

asleep

28:57

in bed. So that even

28:59

from that perspective, it's honestly usually a

29:01

better a better option unless you're superhuman.

29:04

You can. Stay

29:06

awake. which I don't even I don't know how Is there

29:07

that is there that woman out there? He's a

29:09

sick

29:09

woman. He's a sick woman who,

29:12

like, literally

29:12

wakes up feeling refreshed and

29:15

revitalized after a whole night on

29:17

a a wheelchair or something like

29:19

that. No. And so often, yeah, it

29:21

often is a way that

29:23

you can I guess, optimize your own sleep is to bring

29:25

baby closer. They'll often

29:27

sleep better. And as

29:29

well as that, it'll often mean that your

29:31

less weight on the wake, which will lead

29:33

you to feel better rested as well. Yeah.

29:35

But there does come a time where it stops working,

29:37

and that's okay too. But

29:39

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For

29:41

us, it was around the one year. One year.

29:44

Yeah. Mark, where I think it was me

29:46

who really was like, okay, I'm because salt

29:48

rolls around a lot. Yeah. I need

29:50

to be in certain positions to sleep. Whereas Nick

29:52

can literally lay down on his back,

29:55

he, like, closes his eye and he's

29:57

asleep. But me, I need, like, my my leg

29:59

up in a certain way. Oh,

30:01

yeah. I need all these things to get

30:03

to sleep. And so we're so

30:05

rolling about in between us. It's

30:07

like he was sleeping. He was sleeping.

30:09

I was just laying there just like,

30:11

Alright. Like, this has been done. Yeah.

30:14

A, we're not cuddling at bedtime or

30:16

when we wake up anymore. And we haven't

30:18

done, and it's been like,

30:20

I would not take it back. Like, next

30:22

baby will be doing the exact same thing.

30:24

But I was like, okay. He's one

30:26

year old, like, time for a challenge. Yeah.

30:29

So I think that's when he knows when he feel

30:31

resentful, hey, like, if not enjoying it

30:33

anymore, you kind of feel I know for us, like, I wake

30:35

up feeling almost frustrated and

30:37

that he was there. and that I hadn't

30:39

slept well and that's when you know.

30:41

Yeah. There's time for a change.

30:43

Definitely. I have to interrupt

30:45

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31:41

yeah

31:43

So let's go to

31:46

parents with newborns. What are some -- Yeah. --

31:48

eight or, like, tips

31:50

that you can talk about

31:52

-- Right. -- to where in the early

31:54

days that can support them

31:56

to get more sleep, but also set

31:58

themselves up for a little more, bit

31:59

more, quote, unquote, success. I'm

32:02

asking I'm asking selfishly because we do wanna

32:04

have another baby -- Oh, yeah. -- in the next

32:06

I don't know. You or two. And I'm

32:08

like, oh my god. Now I have you.

32:10

I'm gonna be just quizzing

32:12

you. That's sad. I love it. I

32:15

love it. What I

32:17

yeah.

32:17

It's it's awesome. So firstly, it's,

32:19

like, understanding, like, what normal newborn

32:22

sleeve and behavior really looks like. So a

32:24

lot of the time, we're trying to, like, get the baby

32:26

down to that at, like, seven, but they don't

32:28

have a circadian rhythm, so they're not gonna go

32:30

to sleep until, like, ten, eleven,

32:32

twelve, even sometimes for

32:34

most. So I think, actually,

32:36

I guess, educating yourself around what's

32:38

normal so fast, normal, noisy sleep

32:40

is super normal. They spend a

32:42

predominant like, at least fifty percent of their time in REM

32:44

sleep, which is a live active sleep based. So

32:46

they constantly burn and they learn. They kinda found,

32:49

like, little barn animals. And

32:51

they are yeah. It

32:53

shocked me. I was like Shocked me too,

32:55

my

32:55

daughter. I was like, she's got

32:57

the shoes. Like,

32:58

I need to figure it out. Like, this is

33:00

I can hear her from so

33:03

far. Right? It's great to hear

33:05

loud. It stressed me out because I didn't

33:07

know. Like, these are

33:09

super normal. So I get a lot of d

33:11

m's from moms with, like, 567 week

33:13

olds being, like, oh my gosh. My my newborn's still

33:15

waking, like, every three to three

33:17

hours of phase. And I'm like, yeah.

33:19

Go. Like, get

33:21

nice with that. Yeah.

33:23

Actually, So, like, it's normal for them to

33:25

be, like, every few hours at least,

33:27

like, around the clock. It doesn't just switch

33:29

up at nighttime. And again, they

33:31

are hardwired to be in closer

33:33

through proximity, so that attaching through the

33:36

senses and also their

33:38

literal survival depends on being, I

33:40

guess, held and supported by

33:43

a parent. So all these things are normal.

33:45

And I think that can just take a lot of distress

33:47

away from newborn parents. It's, you know, I'll actually let my

33:49

baby wake up at night's normal. They're noisy. It's

33:51

normal. They're not going to bed until late. normal.

33:53

They want me to hold them normal, and

33:55

they sleep for, like, twenty minutes at a time when they're

33:57

in on their own normal. So those

33:59

things are

33:59

normal. Then we wanna

34:02

think about what

34:02

you're saying, like, into the future? How do we set

34:04

ourselves up for success? I'm a big fan of habit

34:07

stacking, which I think I talked to you about on your consult as

34:09

well, and it's basically where we

34:11

just layer things into what we're doing

34:13

now to support you to us. And then

34:15

if you ever wanna make a change, say,

34:17

you're feeding any insecticides, which is

34:19

normal again because because they really can't

34:21

stay awake for very long. But you coming in with small trimester, maybe it's not

34:24

something you wanna do

34:26

long term. Just

34:28

introducing other sleep associations while you

34:30

support them to sleep can be helpful. So

34:32

if you're feeding them, can you rock at the

34:34

same time? Can you patch their can you

34:36

sing them a lullaby? Can you

34:38

pop on some white noise? Something as

34:40

simple as that. And that just

34:42

gives them multiple fleet queues as opposed to just

34:44

one. Yep. Is that meaningful?

34:46

Like the

34:46

most Yeah. Which should be literally.

34:50

Yeah.

34:50

Which means, like, when they get a little older, say, perhaps, they get,

34:52

I guess, the four month mark where their

34:54

sleep cycles mature and shortened, and we

34:56

start to get really frequent weight. it

35:00

sets you up for more success to have more tools to use to

35:02

resettle them. And then if you ever wanna

35:04

wind back from, say, an amusing theory as

35:06

an example, but it could be with anything

35:09

be with Rocky or holding or something

35:11

like that. Yeah. Literally, like, you

35:13

can use those other things then

35:16

and start to hero

35:18

those more so than, I guess, the thing that you're using now that you wanna move

35:20

away from. So whether that's the dummy or

35:22

feeding or bouncing or rocking, which are

35:24

probably the main common ways to

35:26

settle a

35:28

to have it second, super easy to do and super,

35:30

I guess, gentle as in

35:32

terms of a wine fabric.

35:35

If you know you wanna use like a cart or if you know you

35:37

wanna use a bassinet and you know that you don't wanna

35:39

just contact that forever. And again, there's no

35:42

right or wrong. I did all

35:44

contact Nat's with Oscar. It was like the best part

35:46

of my day, but then I had NIO when

35:48

Oscar was eighteen months old and there was no

35:50

tangible way to

35:52

contact Nat. We What do you

35:54

mean by contacting nothing for those who

35:56

don't So holding them for all

35:58

their sleep. Yeah. So that means they sleep

36:00

on you all through the day. You're probably bed

36:02

sharing at night, which is

36:03

Honestly, wonderful. Best way that they can

36:06

probably sleep and get low

36:08

chunks. Probably really great way for you to get

36:10

rest as well because they're asleep for

36:12

big chunks. So can I just say that yeah. Nothing in the

36:14

day. What I found with that was because

36:16

I contacted let

36:18

let my guy contact

36:20

Nat with Salt till he was about six

36:22

months. His first six months. And

36:24

what I found was that it supported

36:26

me to arrest more because in the

36:29

daytime, I wasn't putting him down and

36:31

then doing the wash rapidly. In the

36:33

house, I'm checking my emails, all the things.

36:35

I was literally just sitting on on

36:37

the couch, all the bed with him, and letting him sleep

36:39

on me. And, yes, I could still, like, watch

36:41

it, like, an episode of my show at work,

36:43

like, at all, like The bad have a

36:45

little scroll. Like, I'm not gonna pretend I'm like

36:47

a fucking holistic angel and don't do

36:50

those things.

36:52

But I yeah.

36:54

I just like I was like, oh my god,

36:56

this is so good. This means my best time.

36:59

time. This is so restful. a

37:02

time. So And you can talk to them in a carrier

37:04

and, like, walk and get a coffee and you're not

37:06

stuck inside a dark room -- Yeah. --

37:08

like, trying to settle this baby that is

37:10

just not going to sleep long times on their own, like, it's them

37:12

to do so if they do their

37:14

universe. Yeah. So often,

37:16

it's a

37:18

great strategy But then,

37:20

of course, like I say, get older, like, maybe go

37:22

back to work, maybe you have,

37:24

like, me, an eighteen month old at arm,

37:26

who also 8225 All be I

37:28

recommend. Oh my god. I

37:30

cannot I'm just like my head is in my

37:32

hands right now and I'm like It was That would be

37:34

soul in,

37:36

like, four months, I'd have another baby. It literally

37:38

been climbing, like, a freaking monkey

37:40

right now. Like, at least, so full

37:44

Yeah. It's so intense. So there's reasons, of course, why you

37:46

might not be able to do that long term. Just

37:48

off, like, getting them used to the cloth space

37:50

of the bassinet. It doesn't mean that every

37:52

napa to being there. But maybe you

37:54

just stick them in there to kind of like

37:56

play away, but watching away. Maybe you

37:58

do one app

37:59

a day. in there and be prepared, but it's probably gonna be real shit

38:02

sleep. That's fine. We can just kind of

38:04

carry it on from there. Just a

38:06

bit kind of, I guess, familiar

38:08

and you that because sleep is

38:10

a vulnerable state because we're all

38:12

unconscious while we're sleeping. So it's

38:14

really important that we and baby

38:16

feel safe and secure with their sleep

38:18

being as well. So the more exposed you

38:20

can give them to that sleep space, just the more

38:22

comfortable they'll be with it and the easier that will

38:24

be. Making things smell like

38:26

you is magic. So if you know

38:28

that you're going to put them down after they're

38:30

falling asleep, like, maybe you want to

38:32

make sure that you select with the

38:34

cut previously, so it smells like you. When you pop them there,

38:36

thinking back to them, attaching through the

38:38

senses, and

38:40

attachment, obviously, it's important

38:42

for, like, emotional well-being and all of

38:44

that stuff, but really it's also what makes them feel

38:46

safe and secure so they can

38:49

smell you that's gonna help them to feel safe and

38:51

secure too. So something with a box sheet, if you're

38:53

gonna transfer them in, flaking with those bottle

38:55

or a slate that So

38:57

that smells like you too. And honestly, this

38:59

pressure off is my biggest tip. I

39:01

personally Right. So

39:04

I work with so many people who have so much pressure on themselves

39:06

in the fourth trimester. Like, they feel

39:09

like they have to get their babies leaving the cart

39:11

and they have to get them down

39:13

to and they can only do, like, an eat

39:16

place sleep, and they have to feed them when they wake up even

39:18

if they're just fed before they're falling

39:20

asleep. And then that's have to be in dark, which is just a load crap. So there's

39:22

all of these, like, have to use that people

39:24

and I think where it comes from

39:28

is the guess the traditional

39:30

narrative around sleep is by four

39:32

months. They have to be self settling and they have

39:34

to be able to sleep on their own or you're

39:36

absolutely screwed and the four month sleep

39:38

And it's just It's crap. So I don't think there's a lot of pressure like you say,

39:40

and I can

39:41

look at this. I found

39:43

my one of

39:45

my family members. Right?

39:48

Absolutely. Was every

39:50

single phone

39:50

call saying, is he sleeping through yet?

39:52

Is he sleeping through yet? Is he sleeping

39:55

through yet? And I actually had to have a conversation

39:57

with her and said, I don't wanna

39:59

hear that sentence

40:00

again because what it's doing

40:02

is like putting pressure on him

40:04

and me and Nick as parents to have this baby sleeping through

40:07

when

40:07

he's so young like it's normal for him

40:09

not to sleep through and

40:11

it's just like So I'll

40:13

tell you when he sleeps through. Trust me. Like,

40:15

call each other. But right now, it

40:18

wouldn't be normal for him to sleep through.

40:20

Right. If he was, you know, I'd be,

40:22

like, worried he's not getting enough food in the

40:24

night. So, like Actually and,

40:26

like, social media is, like, a wonderful

40:30

tool, but like, I

40:30

knew none of the things that are floating around on Instagram now to do

40:32

with baby sleep when I had Oscar. It just didn't

40:34

exist. They were like three sleep consultants I

40:38

swear. There wasn't an explore feed pushing

40:40

baby, like, just shit at me all

40:42

the time. And, like, my explore feed is

40:44

wild because obviously I'm a sleep page.

40:47

anything that will make small feet as a sleep aid. And

40:49

I will scroll through there and just

40:51

be shocked. And I literally think if I was

40:53

a first time mom, I'd be crippled with

40:56

anxiety about this stuff. That's

40:58

just

40:58

filling your your platform.

41:00

Like, literally, Jeff, before we jumped on,

41:02

I was just scrolling period, just laughing.

41:05

best

41:05

newborn feed schedule.

41:07

Cry

41:07

out with a newborn

41:09

question mark. Speed play

41:10

sleep from birth, like all of these stuff. And

41:12

I was like, oh my gosh, like,

41:14

so much pressure, and I think it's like

41:16

you consume so much now, and

41:19

it's all conflicting information. and

41:21

it does. It it's like doomsday, I think, from the more

41:23

traditional side of the sleep world around, like, setting

41:25

up bad habits. and,

41:28

you know, creating these unsustainable things

41:30

or sleep props, I don't know, whatever

41:32

you

41:32

wanna call it. And that

41:34

translates, I

41:34

think, to so much pressure. for

41:37

mom when they have baby. because, of course, when you're a

41:39

new mom, you're looking for the information and just,

41:41

you know, and then I'll get to push to you and

41:43

then overwhelm me. So pressure

41:45

off, like, you huddle

41:46

your baby. And stop following all those accounts.

41:48

Stop reading all those books and all the

41:50

things because it's not really confusing. And I

41:52

think it's a first time mom when

41:55

I was younger. I was just like, what what's the best thing

41:57

to do? I didn't know what the best thing to do. I've

42:00

got really conflicted. I have, like, had all

42:02

my members telling me I should do this

42:04

and listen. literally

42:06

and, like, choose a lot of conflict in my relationship, actually.

42:09

It does. And it's, like, find

42:11

your values and what you align with

42:13

and just consume that. so

42:15

that, I guess, your feed is curated to that

42:17

as well. It's so interesting to me because even

42:19

I'll do consult with people and I'll be giving them

42:21

some advice and they'll,

42:24

like, screenshot this random sleep page saying something completely

42:26

different. And I'll be like, well, yeah. Like, I'm

42:28

not that like, I'm nowhere near

42:30

aligned with what that person's saying.

42:32

Like, if you're

42:34

right with that's totally fine,

42:34

but then I'm wrong for you. And I'm like, no.

42:36

No. No. No.

42:37

Like, I align with you. And I'm like, awesome. Like,

42:39

if we're wanting

42:42

to be responsive. We're not

42:43

gonna be using time

42:44

to increment. Yeah.

42:46

So let's let's not consume

42:48

all the stuff telling you

42:51

to do that or your baby's doomed to to rely on

42:53

you forever. It's not true. And it,

42:55

you know, to kind of, I guess,

42:57

meshing

42:58

down on your own self values

43:00

or what's important to you, what

43:02

feels good for you, and just choosing that

43:04

stuff so that your

43:05

feed and things like that are curated

43:07

towards that as well I think could be

43:09

really helpful. Yeah. Definitely. So we

43:11

will go back to so we were

43:13

going into newborn tests. But then I

43:16

remembered, I asked you about closed sleeping. And then

43:18

what I wanted to talk

43:20

about was tips

43:21

for co sleeping and intimacy. I

43:23

don't think that's the situation we need. Yes. So

43:25

that's This is a huge one.

43:27

So

43:27

let's go back to that

43:30

because that's important. Yeah. And I'm

43:32

also aware of time. Yeah. So I would

43:34

love to even keep

43:34

your brain on that one. Would you

43:37

go on it? Okay. So

43:38

what tips do you give people? I'm

43:39

interested to hear. What tips do I give

43:42

people? I tell people that there's

43:44

more places in a bed for

43:46

intimacy that maybe they want to

43:48

explore on the location.

43:51

Yep. Number one, I

43:53

also talked to them about, like, choosing their timing

43:55

a little bit too,

43:58

like, you know, when, you

43:59

know, moms just been up

44:02

and fed the baby, and it's ten thirty, eleven o'clock, and she's

44:04

exhausted. Maybe not the best time

44:06

to bring. That's an all

44:06

you guys don't have to bring up.

44:09

Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes they also

44:12

talk to this,

44:12

like, sometimes it'll just come out that long. Like, just

44:14

touch out and it'll be like, like, makes

44:17

this thing cold. thought of, like, their partner touching

44:19

them. And what's super interesting to me

44:22

is a lot of what we do, we probably

44:24

succeed

44:24

just talking about sensory preferences.

44:28

sensory

44:28

needs. And I'll be like, okay. Like,

44:30

is it like a gentle polish that's like

44:32

a bit? And if it is like, why

44:34

don't we try like a firm cuddle?

44:36

that's pretty much as far

44:38

as I go though. And then you're like, it's really it.

44:41

There we go. No.

44:45

That's based off my own

44:48

experience. Yeah. But I think

44:49

your tips are actually really great.

44:51

Like, especially the sensory stuff, I

44:53

wouldn't have even thought to

44:55

Well,

44:56

it relates with

44:58

babies and even, like, if I think about my

45:00

own nervous system even when it's, like,

45:02

the end of the day. And I'm,

45:05

like, stressed I've got two kids screaming at me and I'm trying

45:07

to cook dinner and the sound

45:08

overload is enormous.

45:09

And if Josh was to try to hug me, I'd be like,

45:12

oh my gosh.

45:14

You're not? unquote. And it's just temporary. So it's, like, if that

45:16

is making me feel like picky,

45:18

there's, like, something fun to help, and

45:20

that's

45:21

just basic knowledge.

45:23

impacts. India has been three preferences.

45:26

But I think it helps. I think

45:28

sometimes. Yeah. Definitely. Definitely.

45:30

And I think your point at the

45:32

start about yeah, you don't just have to have sex in

45:34

the bedroom, it's really great. Like, if you have

45:36

a spare room, perhaps that can be like your

45:39

sex room. Or Yeah. Like, we

45:41

have a spare. It was kind of a soul's room when he's older, but it's our spare

45:43

room. At least, it's an hour. But

45:45

there's a big bed in

45:47

there like a king bed

45:49

in there, like, our eating bed. By the way,

45:51

now go to Super King. Best thing.

45:54

All my dream. I wanna

45:55

see Best

45:57

investment. Best investment. just made

45:59

to

45:59

the smallest half, and the king

46:02

jumpsuits.

46:02

And I was like, oh my gosh. Damn

46:04

it. Dreams it going.

46:05

Yes. Dreams

46:08

it going. speaking. But anyway, there's a there's a bed in his

46:10

room. So we we just had sex in there

46:12

if we feel like sex in the bed. But then the other

46:14

day, we had sex

46:16

in, like, the kitchen and the lounge room. I think you don't have

46:18

well, he's asleep, but you don't have to have

46:20

sex in the bedroom.

46:22

I understand though that sleep,

46:25

but lots of people is a nice cozy place

46:27

to have sex. And I and

46:29

my favorite place to have sex is, like, in

46:31

our bed. I just love it. It's like cozy and

46:34

safe and warm, especially in

46:36

winter. And so for some people, that

46:38

feels really familiar. Right.

46:40

And they need all that comfort. to feel like a fan,

46:42

walk into intimacy rather than, like,

46:44

bend me over the kitchen bench. Like, a

46:46

lot of women who were new moms

46:49

That's the last thing I don't want that. Yeah. They're

46:51

like, I'm cooking dinner, fuck off. Yeah.

46:53

Like, what are your

46:55

thoughts around, I guess, interesting

46:56

with baby hair. I mean, I'm fine

46:58

with it. Yeah. It's a

47:00

controversial one, but I'm totally fine

47:02

with it. And I say the parents

47:05

because I get lots of DMs of people be like, hey,

47:07

what's appropriate? Like, one of the questions

47:10

someone asked actually was like, when's

47:12

the baby two zero

47:14

have in

47:14

front of them or, like, with them -- Yeah. -- in front of them.

47:16

And it's just really a personal

47:18

preference, I think. Like, what and how

47:20

does it feel for you? Like, for us?

47:23

That's true. We

47:23

you know, when he was

47:25

little, like, we'd always have sex with him in the

47:27

bed because he's tired and he's sleeping

47:29

most of the time. Yeah. He's just a blob who

47:31

lays there. Like, he doesn't actually Yes.

47:33

So but now he's

47:35

more mobile and he's

47:37

definitely a light sleep,

47:39

which means that, like, if we started having

47:42

sex while he was in the in

47:43

the room, or we could have,

47:45

like,

47:46

quiet sex, but it

47:48

would likely

47:48

wake him up because he's very sensitive to

47:50

movement in the room. Right. Okay.

47:54

So

47:55

we just like, it just

47:57

doesn't really work. But then every now men will have

47:58

sex. Well, he's just like pulling it out.

47:59

And he just like playing with his toys. He

48:02

looks up. He's like,

48:04

oh, cool. get

48:05

back to playing this toys. Like --

48:07

Right.

48:07

-- so it's probably, like, takes, like, tying

48:09

me up and I'm just, like, being

48:11

cut down or something. You

48:14

know, on the

48:15

appropriate lovemaking. Yeah. Definitely. You

48:18

know, babies are in our womb

48:20

for ten

48:22

months. and

48:23

we make love. Optimally,

48:24

we make love during that time. So

48:26

they are like, they're in

48:29

our

48:29

bodies, while they're such

48:32

a poor person. While there's a penis or whatever

48:35

inside of us, and so

48:37

they come out of the

48:39

womb and, like, it's

48:41

normal

48:41

for them to hear all those sounds and be

48:43

around that. But then suddenly, people like,

48:45

oh, like, kind of sex in front of a baby, and

48:47

it's like, no. you

48:49

can. Like, it's -- Mhmm. -- mother nature is to make

48:51

love. And -- Yeah. -- it's

48:53

not a bad thing. not a bad

48:55

thing No.

48:56

I love what you said about, like, what you're comfortable with. And

48:59

I think that's so that's

49:01

so cool because it's it's a great way

49:03

to, I guess, kinda

49:03

gauge your own

49:06

limit. Right? it. It's, like, if

49:08

you feel

49:08

okay, like, it's probably okay. It

49:10

is okay. And the guy's,

49:11

yeah. I'm thinking I'm

49:14

like, yeah. I

49:16

was like, I've got,

49:17

like, an almost four year old completely different to a

49:19

baby. Oh, basically. they're gonna be

49:21

tiny. Is that Exactly.

49:24

what exactly is gonna be, like, I guess, like, the

49:27

there's those

49:29

obvious gauges that have

49:32

instinctively that make you feel comfortable uncomfortable. I

49:34

think that's awesome. That's a

49:35

great step. Yeah. You just gotta check-in with

49:37

what

49:38

feels good

49:39

for you. I think that what do

49:42

you think about the timing one? Like, choose your timing? Like, choose your timing. Like,

49:44

you know, especially for new moms,

49:46

like, I know when soul

49:49

was born.

49:49

You know, my boobs are huge, like, full of mille. And yeah. You

49:51

know what I'm gonna say. Right? I know it's

49:53

just like because usually I have quite

49:56

small boobs. Yeah.

49:58

I mean, he loves my boobs, but, like, you know, they were big

49:59

and they were juicy. And you were just like,

50:02

oh, yeah. Wow. And I'm

50:04

just like, damn, I am sorry to break

50:06

it to you. Yeah. Like

50:08

No. They're they're like

50:10

full. They're -- Yeah.

50:12

-- milky. Yeah. They're like,

50:14

sort of touch. They're

50:16

filling up really quick and I need to

50:18

relieve some pressure. You

50:19

are not putting your

50:21

penis anywhere near them. Yeah.

50:23

I'm like, Yeah. It's just not happening. And I've already said

50:25

to him, like, next baby, you

50:27

can

50:27

maybe have, like, two tickets for you a

50:30

lot of,

50:30

like, enjoy the the healthy boost.

50:33

But, like, It's just a no go zone for a

50:35

while. So I think, you know, being really

50:37

aware of that as a partner, but

50:39

also as the woman expressing

50:41

that to your partner and saying, like,

50:44

you have

50:44

to communicate, you know, right

50:46

now, I'm not pressed to really tend that and

50:48

I don't feel so and I'm feeling

50:50

really touched out or, you

50:52

know, mornings are hard for me because I'm

50:54

waking up feeling really tired. So I'd appreciate,

50:56

like, if you do wanna have sex,

50:59

you know, be positive and be like,

51:01

I love that you wanna be intimate with

51:03

me. Yeah. But if you do want

51:05

to initiate sex, the best way to do it would

51:07

be XYZ So, like, that's grossing that.

51:09

And then it's probably gonna be better if we do

51:11

it, like, in the day if you if

51:13

you can or or, like, when you

51:16

come home

51:18

for lunch, or, like, at

51:20

nighttime, but but do

51:20

it before eight PM because eight PM I crash.

51:22

It's like they're really specific. They're even

51:25

part of the nose. They're

51:28

like, Oh, I know that she needs. Exactly.

51:30

Yeah.

51:30

I always love that. Listen again.

51:32

Yeah. I know for being,

51:34

like, again, conservative operating. I

51:36

would never

51:37

communicated any of that and just

51:40

expected. Just to know, and it made

51:42

frustrated when

51:43

it didn't happen that

51:45

way. And I think that communication is

51:47

well

51:47

changing in this area as well. That's the

51:49

best tip. It

51:50

is. That's that. Yeah. So let's

51:52

do a few more tips for sleep.

51:55

Mhmm. Let's go to so hang on. Just

51:57

revise the newborn. Maybe like three

51:59

tips for

51:59

newborns. Three tips for newborn.

52:02

Habit stack layers

52:04

associations in. If you know that you don't

52:06

wanna do one thing long

52:08

term, familiarize them with the

52:10

sleep

52:10

space if you know

52:11

that you want to use it into the future, whether that's what

52:14

Nappadeh, whether that's, you

52:16

know, just

52:16

you I don't

52:18

know,

52:18

a boy who want your way popping them in there and take

52:21

the pressure off yourself and

52:23

familiarize yourself with

52:25

what is actually normal for infants to

52:27

do and newborns to do because

52:29

that will

52:30

make you feel world better

52:32

in and of itself. And

52:34

if you wanna know more that's three. And

52:35

they're great tips. And if you wanna know more, then go to

52:37

class page, which we really have a new bump up

52:40

schedule for tomorrow. There we

52:42

go. Oh, Great. So yeah. Go to close

52:44

page, and we'll give you all the details at

52:46

the end of the episode. Okay.

52:48

So next

52:50

would be toddlers. What are some tips for toddlers? Because at

52:52

that stage, they they become a

52:54

little bit more clued on, and they can start

52:56

doing little tricks like I

52:59

need to go to the toilet again.

53:01

Oh my god. Close this.

53:03

Yes. So what

53:06

isn't it? I

53:06

could talk to Tuplas, but I love working with Tuplas. Certain

53:10

Tuplas naturally want

53:12

some control.

53:13

developmentally. They wanna push boundaries. They wanna

53:16

happen their way. All normal things. But of

53:18

course, that leads into sleep.

53:19

Not

53:20

wanting to go to sleep. Wanted

53:21

to play. transitions are often hard for them. So again, that kind of comes

53:24

into control. So they don't wanna leave what they're

53:26

doing and go to bed. Mhmm.

53:28

And separation

53:30

is really significant for toddlers. They've been versus separation

53:32

anxiety at around eighteen months and three

53:34

years. But from there

53:36

as well,

53:38

I guess the more the older they get, I think sometimes the

53:40

expectation is that that becomes easier. But often,

53:42

no, they're just much more aware

53:44

that they are separated from you.

53:47

that they're by themselves and that things can sometimes be scary

53:49

like they can develop genuine fear of the

53:52

dog. I know at the moment Oscar's afraid

53:54

of owls randomly. He thinks

53:56

that's alts in his room. So, oh, there's

53:58

he loves alts. He literally

53:59

alts, like, he's favorite

54:00

animal a couple months ago right now.

54:03

He's, like, or five thousand or Why is

54:05

it better? Splastic. So, like, all of

54:07

those things, like, can cause lots of disruptions

54:09

with their sleep. So

54:11

on them

54:11

very quickly. Yep. We we summarize it.

54:13

But number one, give

54:16

them control back. So the simplest

54:18

way that you can kinda take the battle the

54:20

control battle out

54:20

of bed time is to give them control. So

54:22

can you let them choose three toys

54:24

to come to bed and they get to choose whatever

54:27

toy it is that they want to sleep with

54:29

that night? And maybe your boundary is

54:31

just how many that is. So for us, it's three,

54:33

you know, it might be one. So you set a

54:35

boundary and the limit, but you let the thirty down on what

54:37

it is that they actually take. can you let

54:39

them choose what colors they've been You know, I don't know. At the

54:41

moment, Austin wants to wear.

54:42

He's a little friend when he gave

54:45

him like

54:45

a whole heap and down hear

54:47

me down for dramas, which was great, but they're like

54:50

bright pink wonder suits. And he only wants

54:52

to wear when he's the dramas because when he's

54:54

like his best friend and I'm like, going

54:56

to town if I know it would be a battle if I got him to wear pajamas

54:58

that I went out and made for myself.

55:00

So, like, give them control over what they're

55:03

wearing. pre

55:04

empt and then web so

55:05

that's control, pick pick. The visual charts can

55:07

be awesome, so you can make, like, a little

55:09

bedtime routine chart and get them to, like, stick

55:11

the speaker on. So We're

55:13

having Playtime now, then we're gonna read

55:16

three books, then you're gonna choose

55:18

whatever toys you wanna take to go

55:20

to bed, then we're gonna have cuddles and then it's sweet times. They can

55:22

visually see

55:22

what's coming next. That can

55:25

really help. Social stories can really help.

55:27

You can write a little novel

55:28

like your

55:30

Oscar have read three books before he goes to bed. He has

55:32

a couple with mom. He chooses two

55:35

teddy's. Mom comes off get

55:37

to bed. It's bed time now. Just so they kind of kind

55:39

of, I guess, get a visual around

55:41

what's happening. Yeah.

55:42

So that's control. Number two

55:45

transitions. make the transition fun. So firstly,

55:47

let them know that bedtime's coming, like,

55:49

maybe a visual timer could be helpful

55:51

or could you say you know, we're gonna read

55:53

three books looking back at that little chart that they've got, and then

55:55

it's gonna be bedtime. Okay? One more

55:57

book

55:57

and then it's gonna

55:59

be bedtime. they can do all that

56:02

and they can be like, okay, okay, and then the

56:04

book goes away and they lose their

56:06

mind still. So that's where we use, like,

56:08

the fun transition. So this

56:09

is a big that we had with TheOs. He wanted to read

56:11

old books. No matter how many times I

56:12

said, this is the last book, like, the

56:14

biggest meltdown of his life. So

56:18

instead, I would be like,

56:20

okay, the books ended out and I choose

56:22

something to be fun to transition into bed.

56:24

So, buddy, should we, like, crawl eggs to

56:26

bed? Or do you want me to rocket you up the

56:28

stairs? And then he would choose which one he wanted and

56:30

then rocket him up, and it would be fun.

56:32

So a fun transition

56:34

can be so helpful. We're taking the battle away.

56:36

But what's the last one? I

56:37

say, oh, and then they are they

56:39

are potentially

56:40

going through genuine

56:42

fees.

56:42

separation anxiety. So what

56:44

can sometimes happen is perhaps you

56:47

had a baby who you worked on their

56:49

sleep and maybe they started to

56:51

sleep independently Maybe they started to settle themselves to sleep, and

56:53

you're like, oh my gosh, this is magic. And

56:55

then it's, like, it flicks the switch and all

56:57

of a sudden, they are screaming the second

56:59

you leave the room. Do

57:01

not think

57:01

you've done something wrong. Like, this is so

57:04

normal for toddlers

57:05

because of those things. January

57:06

fear

57:07

is acutely aware that by themselves,

57:09

that big versus separation anxiety at,

57:11

like, eighteen months, then get it two years.

57:13

So it might be the case you need to support them

57:15

a little bit more, and that's fine.

57:18

There's lots of strategies you can use to

57:20

ward yourself back, if that's something not do But

57:22

is also nothing wrong with, like,

57:24

playing with your top left skill and

57:26

settling them

57:28

to fight that way, that's what

57:30

we do with the boys, Josh Lasnick's after. I am directed to sit

57:32

next to Theo at the

57:34

morning

57:36

or payload tells me, like, if I sit on the vlogs, it's like, stand up mommy,

57:38

stand up mommy, and I'll have to lean

57:40

next to his cart and

57:41

sing to him not

57:43

for, like, two seconds. It's not a problem. I'm

57:45

really happy to do it. And, Jocelyn,

57:47

we've asked her, do they wake up

57:49

overnight? No. Does it cause this

57:51

big blood pressure on

57:53

back no. We enjoy doing it. We're happy to do it.

57:55

Mhmm. So it's working. So there there's this

57:58

I think unsparked in pressure with toddlers,

57:59

but they have to be independent.

58:02

And

58:02

then if they're not Oh, yeah. And if you're

58:04

a beautiful connection. Like I I

58:06

lay next to my daughter and patted her

58:09

to sleep. I'm working till she was

58:11

about four, at least four.

58:13

I met him. my favorite.

58:15

Yeah. She said till she was

58:17

really old. I was like, she

58:19

didn't she's only I'm not

58:21

joking. She's sixteen. I reckon last three years

58:24

is

58:24

since, like, she just go she's

58:27

just like, oh, I'm gonna

58:27

bed nine.

58:30

And what but but yeah. Often, she'll be like, mom, you

58:33

come in and say good night. She's sick.

58:35

She still wants me to go in there.

58:37

It's like, you know, it's

58:40

That's what for me, that's where I become a parent. It's a do not

58:43

things like that. Not necessarily like

58:45

the high end of the day

58:47

that you're born. I just don't

58:49

it's just decided to pressure hang in, especially

58:52

around toddlers. I get so many messages. Like, oh,

58:54

my gosh. Like, they're two now. Should they be able to

58:56

do this? And the answer is, like, Probably

58:57

not. No. But if it's not

58:59

working, there's so many strategies that you

59:01

can use at a connection base to

59:03

get yourself out. as well.

59:06

Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Okay. Gosh.

59:08

We are, like, running out of time, and I

59:10

have

59:10

so much. I wouldn't be wasting you.

59:12

So

59:14

last thing, I just wanna mention what

59:16

helped me in working

59:18

with you, which was

59:19

Yeah. We were all so ready because people I want

59:21

people to know. It wasn't just like

59:23

you gave

59:23

me a couple of tips and then

59:25

Oh, it's hard to say to me better. It well,

59:27

it was Night Weaning was the big thing

59:30

for me. You know, I was like, okay.

59:32

He's one. I don't want to him I

59:34

do want to feed him less at night,

59:36

especially because we wanna have another

59:38

baby. And I do not wanna do that enough

59:42

or not. And so No. Thank you. know.

59:44

No. I'm gonna age and

59:46

look about ninety if I do that.

59:49

if i

59:51

So that was

59:53

my motivation too to night weaning. So

59:55

you gave me some really great tips on

59:57

night weaning, and that's what

59:59

has

59:59

made such a huge impact. because now

1:00:02

he's waking he's not

1:00:04

waking up

1:00:04

to feed. So he's essentially not

1:00:07

waking up as much because The

1:00:09

thing is, like, oh, yeah. So

1:00:11

what are, like,

1:00:13

a a little bit

1:00:14

about night

1:00:15

weaning. Oh, yeah.

1:00:17

So I just

1:00:17

wanna say that you're listening. If

1:00:20

you're interested, you have, like,

1:00:22

clear housekeeping of resources on I

1:00:24

do. I think there's a

1:00:26

whole highlight. I think there's a whole highlight.

1:00:28

So there definitely

1:00:28

is. There's a whole highlight on

1:00:31

the Instagram page. there's gonna be a night waiting webinar. I put

1:00:33

up next week, actually. Right. As well, which is

1:00:36

the one I sent to you or

1:00:38

similar, which I think

1:00:39

is really helpful. So things the

1:00:41

night weaning, I always first ask people, like, why? Why do we wanna

1:00:43

lean back? Like, do you know your why?

1:00:45

You guys obviously knew your why. But a lot of

1:00:47

the times, it's, like,

1:00:50

my mother-in-law

1:00:51

said that they should be the mother-in-law. my friends

1:00:53

come away. That big one. The mother-in-law said that they should

1:00:55

be the biggest one.

1:00:58

Like, it's never been the case

1:01:00

in my mother-in-law. Thank God. Yeah.

1:01:02

But, like, so many other imoilers

1:01:04

have so many opinions as hilarious that

1:01:06

like, well, your son isn't a ray of sunshine. Yeah.

1:01:08

That's a very important event to be that.

1:01:10

You know, it's it's a lot of it. It's actually

1:01:13

the mother-in-law, which is very interesting.

1:01:16

So a lot of the reasons I sometimes get out, all my mother-in-law said, all

1:01:18

my friends, baby's not waking up anymore

1:01:20

overnight for beads, and they're the same

1:01:23

age, or or my

1:01:26

you know, somebody told me now that six months, they don't

1:01:28

need feeds of a note anymore. So I always say

1:01:30

check-in with your why. And the reason

1:01:33

why is you will know this. Night reading is really

1:01:35

bloody hard to do. You actually

1:01:38

need to know it's the right thing

1:01:40

at the right time or it is

1:01:42

so hard to come

1:01:44

and per regulate with a dysregulated

1:01:46

child who just wants

1:01:48

a aid. unless you know you do not

1:01:50

want to offer that fee for this reason.

1:01:53

So knowing that to start with, I

1:01:55

think, is so important. And there's no right

1:01:57

overalls with night cleaning. Like, solid

1:01:59

normal

1:01:59

for your baby to wake and bed overnight for the

1:02:02

first year and beyond.

1:02:04

Really, the only reason we'd ever flag it is

1:02:06

if a baby was significantly reverse

1:02:08

cycling their calories. So sometimes there

1:02:10

can be situations where there's, like, old

1:02:12

babies who do not eat or drink

1:02:14

anything until, like, three PM in the to

1:02:16

noon because they take all the calories at night. That's different. But

1:02:19

for most children, it's not

1:02:21

really a big issue. And there's no big thing

1:02:23

to know, we'll say, knowing your way. Number

1:02:25

one. Number two. Do not go cold

1:02:28

turkey because your child

1:02:30

is probably starving, and it's gonna be

1:02:32

a really tricky thing for them to jerry. So

1:02:35

I always gradually lean them back. We might space

1:02:37

them a little bit further apart. We might

1:02:39

reduce the length of the feedback or the

1:02:41

volume of the bottle back a little bit,

1:02:43

one at a time. And what that does, it

1:02:45

makes it more manageable for baby because it's not

1:02:47

as big of a change. If

1:02:49

you're breastfeeding, it regulates your milk supply for you

1:02:51

and ends up with status,

1:02:53

which is important. And it does. It

1:02:56

gives your little one an opportunity to

1:02:58

increase their daytime calories and

1:03:00

so we need to get back

1:03:02

So like a nice even crossover, which can make the process

1:03:04

a lot easier. And then they always

1:03:06

talk to people about finding their threshold and

1:03:08

what they're comfortable with. So a question

1:03:10

they get on But how long

1:03:12

do I resettle them for? Like, or how long do I do

1:03:14

this for? And this is where it comes back to what

1:03:16

you said at the start, like, parents being an expert on

1:03:19

their child, and that is always working

1:03:22

holistic state consultant for me or somebody

1:03:24

else, that's always the

1:03:26

emphasis. It's not that we know that because we don't we

1:03:28

don't know your baby, like, you know

1:03:30

your baby. So knowing your own comfort level

1:03:32

is super important. Shouldn't

1:03:34

it be the case that you feel like your baby's super distressed

1:03:36

and you've been trying to settle them for half an

1:03:40

hour And, you know, you know, you know, you know,

1:03:42

they're done and you're done, but you want to keep

1:03:44

going because somebody told you have to do it for an

1:03:46

hour and a week. So finding

1:03:48

your threshold and knowing that

1:03:50

it's a marathon. It's not a sprint. It's

1:03:52

not the case that it's like a quick

1:03:54

fix for most. It usually

1:03:56

is, as we'll know, a long

1:03:58

journey with backwards and forwards, and that's been

1:03:59

knowing your threshold and what you're comfortable with is

1:04:02

important.

1:04:02

And just taking the

1:04:04

rules off, we basically just think about

1:04:06

it or we describe it as just settle and support

1:04:08

your baby to sleep any other way other than the feed. So

1:04:10

you don't have to use this

1:04:14

ridiculous sailing strategy that only lets you pick them up for x amount of time

1:04:16

or pack them in the cup when they cry at this

1:04:18

level. Hey, no. We're literally just

1:04:20

supporting and co regulating with them.

1:04:23

having a boundary around the face and changing the

1:04:26

comfort, not taking the comfort away.

1:04:28

Mhmm. If that makes sense. Yeah. In a

1:04:30

nutshell? Yeah.

1:04:32

it makes sense. The best advice you gave us was that,

1:04:34

like, to start out

1:04:36

doing alternate wakes. So --

1:04:38

Yeah.

1:04:39

I'd feed him to sleep. I still

1:04:40

feed him to sleep. So I feed him to

1:04:42

sleep. And then the next wake, I'd

1:04:44

settle

1:04:45

him without the boot. and then I'd

1:04:47

feed him to sleep on the next week, the

1:04:48

main wake. And then and it

1:04:50

was, like, alternate. And within that,

1:04:53

I was sleeping better just

1:04:55

from having in such a

1:04:57

good way. Yeah. And sometimes people panic when

1:04:59

I say, and then we'll

1:05:01

let speed one a little one because they're like, oh, but that's still so many feeds.

1:05:03

But if you think about it, it's half what you're

1:05:06

doing now. It's a

1:05:08

group really a sick

1:05:10

decrease. And I know it can feel a lot if

1:05:12

you've got, like, a plus

1:05:14

fee. It's like, oh, that's still for. But it

1:05:16

doesn't have to stay there. That's just the starting

1:05:18

point, and it's a great way to get

1:05:20

some calories back in the day,

1:05:22

regulate your own milk supply, adjust

1:05:24

baby while still feeling like you're

1:05:26

getting some. reprieve yourself,

1:05:28

I guess, because we want it to kind of reduce

1:05:30

them. And then you can apply that again, so

1:05:32

meeting it down to full now, and then we do

1:05:34

that again. be one reseller one, see one reseller one,

1:05:36

go down to two, and they're probably spaced four hours apart. And then you can

1:05:38

just reseller one and you've got one.

1:05:41

So if it's that, And

1:05:44

that's gonna mean about the marathon, not the

1:05:46

sprint. It takes some time. Yeah. But it's

1:05:49

effective. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah.

1:05:51

Work for us. Yeah.

1:05:54

Cool. Okay. Well, I think that's

1:05:56

great for today. You've given people

1:05:58

so much to think about and some

1:05:59

really great tips and if they want more,

1:06:02

they can find you online. Yes. So where do

1:06:04

they find you? Instagram?

1:06:06

Yes. Instagram is at the

1:06:08

Gentle Sleep Coach. Website is coach

1:06:10

dot com. Always happy to chat in

1:06:12

the demos, slide on in, and, yeah, all

1:06:14

the things are over there. I

1:06:15

try to put as much as

1:06:18

I can. honey,

1:06:18

you give a lot of resources. I try. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:06:20

So there'll be a new bond post I'm doing

1:06:23

tomorrow, so people will be able to see that by

1:06:25

the time this comes up and Then

1:06:28

highlights on all the topics we've talked about

1:06:30

as well.

1:06:30

Yeah. Great. Alright. Well, thank you so

1:06:33

much for

1:06:33

calling, and you have a lovely

1:06:35

day. This helps a few parents even if

1:06:37

it was just one one month. I'd be happy. But I think

1:06:39

it'll be a lot more than that. I

1:06:41

hope so. I

1:06:44

hope so. This

1:06:45

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