On this episode of Backsliders, we talk with our new friend, the singer, songwriter, harpist, musician, and performing artist Calvin Arsenia. Stay tuned to the end of the episode for a surprise performance by Calvin! 

Calvin grew up in Olathe, Kansas, about twenty miles away from Kansas City. In terms of his religious background, he was someone who enjoyed “having a buffet of it all.” He dwelled in churches that mostly fall under the umbrella of Protestant, non-denominational churches, charismatic churches, The International House of Prayer, as well as more apologetics-based churches. He studied with 7th Day Adventists as well as the Messianic Jewish Temple as well.

Calvin tells us about what he observed while growing up in the midwest as a sensitive and creative young boy, never the most masculine in his circles. He found that leading worship, and expressing himself through music, created a safe environment for him to be the creative, sensing person that he was, without those traits being seen as effeminate or wrong–like they commonly are in church/religion. Calvin also shares his experience of true devotion to God, and the traumatic complexities of being taught that “homosexuality” was a sin as a closeted young child who knew he was “different.” He absorbed the message that the only way to live a life that would honor God would be to become a worship pastor with a wife and kids, so that’s what he thought he would have to do. 

When Calvin was on a mission and living abroad in Scotland in his early 20s, he began noticing that he was able to be very open and free with his new friends that he had made there–friends that were not with the church. He remembers vividly feeling their love for him and acceptance of him, without conditions of who he was “supposed” to be. This shocked him and moved him to his core. While on a prayer walk there in Scotland, he had a moment where he realized he could no longer keep hiding himself from the world. And that’s where the title of this episode comes in. Calvin had a conversation with his higher power, and decided not to hate himself anymore, because he didn’t think God hated him. He decided to believe that being his true self would set him free. Calvin speaks with us at length about the complicated process of leaving his faith community after that experience abroad, as he figured out how to find work outside of Christian spheres so he could fully live the life he knew was his, and the double life he had to lead for the years in between.

Now, he’s not connected to any church or religion, but he believes in the metaphysical spiritual plane that is accessible to all of us as human and spiritual beings. He is a full-time artist and musician in Kansas City, he’s found a new family in the queer community, and he makes music so beautiful you’ll feel it in your soul. We hope you enjoy this conversation as much as we did. Be sure to listen to the end for a live performance by Calvin and his harp!

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[CREDITS]

Intro Music "7.2.19" by Chase Burnett

Outro Music "Stay Mad" by Chase Burnett ft. Julia Nunes

Title Animation/Poster art by Cody Walzel

Special Thanks to Angie Charles

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We'd love to hear from you directly! Let's talk about what we were raised to believe, where we are now, and how that affects our relationships with others and ourselves! keylee@bbobbilliams.com micah@bobbilliams.com