0:00

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0:02

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0:07

It wasn't an option for me to call

0:09

her. I had nothing. I would have died had

0:11

she not come with the fleet

0:13

enema. I mean, I was...

0:16

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

0:18

wait. You made her pick up the

0:21

enema? Oh, yeah. I went to

0:23

Walgreens in Studio City.

0:26

OK, well, OK, wait, wait. I know we have other

0:28

date stories to get into, but just like I

0:31

feel hot in the face.

0:44

Hello everyone. Welcome to Bad Dates.

0:47

Thank you for being here. Let's

0:49

meet our panel. I'm so happy to have

0:52

one of my absolute heroes and my love. She once

0:54

asked me to live with her, but she's never really followed up

0:56

on that offer. Tig Notaro. Hello,

0:58

Tig Notaro. The offer is

1:01

still there. Great. I have been

1:03

packed and ready for a year and a half now, so

1:05

I hope that's not intense. Tig,

1:08

how are you doing? I'm doing well.

1:10

How are you? I'm good. Are you someone

1:13

who, I mean, you're here, but do

1:15

you enjoy talking about your

1:17

dating life? Do you find it awkward?

1:20

Is it full of good memories, bad memories? I've

1:22

had some awkward.

1:25

Slash bad dates, but

1:29

I feel like I'm relatively friendly

1:32

with everyone, so it's not that

1:34

terrible that that went

1:37

awry. I think. That sounds very sure.

1:40

Because I'm realizing

1:42

this is my account. If

1:44

you if you had the other side

1:47

of the podcast, there might be

1:49

a bunch of, you know, people that

1:51

were like, she's the worst

1:53

date. Oh, yeah. No, I'm interviewing

1:56

all of them straight after this.

1:59

back checked, don't worry. No,

2:02

I think that's a classically sober

2:04

and fair response from you on

2:06

the whole matter. I have to

2:08

say hello to the man who is clearing

2:11

his throat. Hello, Kevin. Hello,

2:13

Kevin Neelan, how are you?

2:14

Good, how are you? I'm good, I'm so

2:17

happy that you're here. I may

2:19

not be here too, because finally I could kind of talk

2:21

through what happened to me in a therapeutic way,

2:23

I think, really to kind of get

2:26

it out of my system finally.

2:26

Are you here to process your trauma?

2:30

Great, I'm so happy that you're doing it. You're

2:33

doing it also with your wife here, Susan

2:35

Yatley. Hello. Hi,

2:38

everybody.

2:39

Speaking of the devil. Oh, yeah,

2:41

lucky me, lucky me. Oh,

2:43

my God, it's so amazing to have two

2:45

such great comedic performers

2:48

and comedic minds, both here who are

2:50

married and yet still willing to talk in

2:52

front of one another about their dating

2:54

histories, not with one another, am

2:56

I correct?

2:57

These will be separate dates. Yes,

3:00

we won't have to. Have you ever discussed

3:03

these stories with each other before? I'm not

3:05

gonna like have to mediate

3:08

something here, am I? We have

3:10

discussed this.

3:11

Okay, fine, fine. Time is coming, yeah.

3:13

So Tig and I are the only ones who don't know these stories

3:15

as well as the invite audience, right? But

3:18

I do know about what I

3:20

believe might have been their first date.

3:24

Kevin told, I feel

3:26

like, I know about a very awkward

3:28

date that they had, and

3:31

I was wondering if it was what they were gonna talk

3:33

about, and then I think I heard from the

3:36

producer that that isn't the

3:38

story. But what a legend for bringing

3:40

it up now. Yeah. Yeah.

3:43

Does anyone

3:45

care to share Kevin's season? I'm curious,

3:48

I'm curious to know what everyone else could have. You

3:50

were constipated, you were constipated, Kevin.

3:52

Oh, that's a great story.

3:55

Tell me the story. Let me

3:57

tell it. Tell it for the first time. Okay, wait, Tig's gonna

3:59

tell the story.

3:59

Okay, Kevin was constipated. Was

4:02

this your first date? No, no, no. It

4:04

was about the third. Okay, it was about the third. Kevin

4:07

was constipated and he

4:09

was in so much pain that

4:14

he needed to take a suppository and

4:16

he couldn't do it himself. And

4:19

so he asked Susan to do

4:21

it. And I remember Kevin describing

4:23

this. Sexy. He

4:26

said that he was so constipated

4:29

that

4:29

he said pushing

4:32

the suppository into his ass

4:35

was like

4:37

trying to push it into a brick wall.

4:41

And then he said after Susan

4:44

did this for him, he

4:46

looked at her and thought, well, I

4:48

guess I'm gonna have to kill her now. Well,

4:52

you literally put a ring on it. That's

4:55

amazing. Yes. Oh

4:57

my God. Oh

5:00

my gosh.

5:01

Essentially, T was right, but she kind of paraphrased

5:03

it and changed it up a little bit. Well, I

5:05

always have to punch up your stories,

5:08

Kevin. Let's be honest. I

5:11

do remember though, it was, baby, it

5:13

was the third date or so. And I remember opening

5:16

up the bathroom door and you look like a dog who

5:18

was about to have puppies. You had towels

5:20

all over the floor. Do you remember that?

5:23

Vaguely. His

5:26

face has gone beetroot. I

5:30

was on my side ready for the fleet

5:32

enema. It was an enema actually. And

5:34

I had plastic strewn all over the hanging

5:37

from the walls because I knew it was gonna be messy.

5:39

I was like Dexter about

5:40

to kill somebody. No, it's because you were a bachelor is

5:42

why you had plastic. That's

5:44

right. Wait,

5:47

had you two shagged at this point? Or was

5:49

this like pre the first? That is

5:52

fucking unbelievable. I've

5:54

never heard anything like that

5:56

in my life. I mean, you just have to, it is.

5:59

Fuck, marry or kill, literally in that

6:02

situation, but all just the same person.

6:05

What a fucking start. Didn't see that coming

6:07

at all. Thank

6:09

you, Tig. Yep.

6:11

Bad dates.

6:17

Bad dates.

6:19

All right, so on that note, Tig, it's your

6:21

turn. Tell

6:25

me about sad sleepover.

6:30

Okay, sad sleepover.

6:33

I was still an open mic comedian.

6:37

And in the

6:39

comedy world, it can become a dating pool.

6:43

And

6:45

I was neck deep in

6:48

doing standup, I'd say six or seven

6:50

nights a week in clubs, coffee shops,

6:53

whatever, there was even a laundromat

6:55

open mic. Anyway,

6:57

my dating

7:00

pool, as it turns out, was also

7:03

including women who had never dated women.

7:06

And so, you

7:08

know, you can

7:10

sometimes tend to get a crush on

7:12

somebody that makes you laugh. And-

7:14

Been that?

7:16

Yep, sure, me too. Anyway,

7:18

so this girl, she

7:22

started

7:23

asking me to go to dinner and

7:29

drinks regularly. Also,

7:32

I had this t-shirt that I used to wear

7:34

all the time. And she told me

7:36

once that she thought I looked really cute

7:38

in that t-shirt. I

7:41

would say that

7:42

it's not that I went into

7:45

her. I kind of didn't know what

7:47

to make of the situation. There were a few

7:49

other people that

7:50

I was hanging out with.

7:54

Then she- Oh, sorry, an embarrassment of riches.

7:57

Yes, an embarrassment of riches. But I also

7:59

didn't-

7:59

know that she was for sure into

8:02

me because she dated guys.

8:04

And so I just thought, well, maybe

8:06

she's just amused by me. So

8:10

she

8:13

invited me over

8:14

after we had gone to dinner, she invited

8:16

me over to her apartment

8:19

that was in Santa Monica and

8:21

the rooftop, you

8:23

know, you overlooked the ocean.

8:25

Oh, sure. Sure. So

8:28

we hung out at her apartment and then

8:30

she asked me to go upstairs to the rooftop.

8:33

We go upstairs to the rooftop, we're

8:36

looking at the ocean. There's a lot of awkward

8:38

giggling and I'm

8:40

thinking, oh, are we giggling at the same

8:43

thing? Because I

8:45

just, I truly was like,

8:47

does she like me? I don't know what's happening.

8:52

And then there was this swing

8:53

on her roof, you

8:57

know, for two people to swing together, like

8:59

a porch front porch. That feels quite dangerous, doesn't

9:01

it? Off a roof? No, no, no, no, we

9:03

are not dangling off a

9:06

roof. The

9:08

ground is firmly beneath

9:10

us. And she asked me to come sit

9:12

down on the swing and we are swinging

9:15

away and giggling

9:17

all night and looking at the ocean and

9:19

it goes on and on. And I'm just like, there's

9:21

no world where I'm

9:23

going to do anything because I don't

9:25

want to do

9:27

anything inappropriately or misread

9:30

something. So I

9:32

mean, this goes on till like two in

9:34

the morning. And then she says,

9:38

do you want to stay the night? It's really

9:40

late. And I was like, sure.

9:43

And she said,

9:46

you can sleep on

9:48

the couch or you're welcome

9:50

to sleep in my bed with me. Oh,

9:53

God, this is just so much suspense. And

9:56

I'm thinking she's.

9:59

It's very attractive

10:01

and we do have a really good time together.

10:05

I am a gay person. I probably

10:07

should not sleep in her bed.

10:10

So I'm just, I said, I'll just sleep

10:12

on the couch. And she was

10:14

like, okay. And then she

10:16

goes into her bedroom. I'm on

10:18

the couch and she's in

10:20

her room saying, do you

10:23

need any more blankets? And

10:26

I was like, no, I'm fine.

10:30

And then like five minutes later,

10:32

she'd be like, are you asleep

10:35

yet? And I was like, oh no. And

10:38

that goes on.

10:39

Nothing happens. And

10:42

then she completely moves on,

10:44

starts dating this guy. And

10:48

then I'm thinking, wait a minute,

10:52

where's all the attention on me? And

10:54

so I call her and I say,

10:57

hey, I'm

11:01

in your neighborhood.

11:04

Can I see you? And

11:06

she said, sure. And

11:09

listen, friends, if I can

11:12

tell you the truth, yeah, I

11:14

wasn't in her neighborhood. No, obviously

11:16

we knew that. We knew that. We

11:20

knew that you had to fly somewhere together.

11:23

I put the shirt

11:25

on that she said I looked cute in. Oh,

11:28

take your break in my heart.

11:31

And then I went over to her house

11:34

and she did not invite me inside.

11:36

She came out and sat on the stoop

11:39

and chatted with me for about 10

11:41

minutes. And then she was like, OK, well, I'll

11:43

see you. And she went back

11:46

in and did she compliment

11:48

you on the shirt? She noticed the show. No,

11:50

no, nothing. The shirt that every

11:53

other time she would be like, oh my God, you look

11:55

so cute in this shirt. What

11:57

I forgot to mention, I'm sorry.

11:59

was actually between me going

12:02

over with my cute shirt and

12:04

her trying to wine and dine me all

12:07

night, we did kiss one

12:09

time. Oh, huge. Wow, huge. I'm

12:12

sorry. I forgot that. I'm sorry, I

12:14

forgot that. I forgot that. That's

12:16

a big deal. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So

12:18

just for my brain now, okay, so you have

12:21

this incredibly awkward, sad sleepover.

12:23

You then at some point you

12:26

kiss each other. Who kisses who? She kisses you?

12:28

Well, I'm now having a flashback.

12:31

This is why I

12:33

love this show. Okay. Wait, suddenly

12:36

people start to remember shit. Okay, I'm

12:38

remembering. We're sitting in our car. We just want

12:40

to be constipated. That's a good question.

12:43

I'll have to shoot her a text and find out.

12:46

Okay. But I

12:48

remember now, we were sitting in her car

12:51

and we're listening to music. This

12:53

is so embarrassing. We're

12:55

sitting in her car listening to the radio and

12:59

I would go to switch the channel.

13:01

I'd go to press a button and

13:04

then she'd put her hand on my hand

13:06

and hold it there. And she'd be like, no,

13:08

I want to hear, I wanted to hear that

13:10

song. And then she'd keep her hand on

13:12

my hand and then she'd

13:15

go to press something. And

13:17

I would be like, oh, I

13:20

wanted to hear that other song. And

13:22

so we would awkwardly kind of hold

13:24

each other's hand while we're trying

13:27

to hear the right song. And

13:30

nobody's talking about if we're gonna kiss

13:32

or not or if she's attracted to me

13:34

or anything. And

13:36

then somebody kissed somebody, obviously.

13:40

Anyway, we have a makeout

13:42

session in her car for quite

13:44

a while. And

13:47

again, this is 25 years ago. This is

13:49

a quarter of a century ago. I

13:51

don't remember too many details, but

13:54

there was definitely kind of a

13:56

dating vibe that we

13:59

kind of had.

13:59

but then she started seeing somebody,

14:02

I was seeing other, we were never exclusive.

14:05

But once she got into this relationship

14:08

with this guy, I was truly,

14:10

you know, like, where did

14:12

she go? Yeah, yeah. And that's when I put

14:14

the cute shirt on and swung by, she

14:17

chatted with me for about 10 minutes and then

14:19

she sent me on my way and I drove home, so

14:23

humiliated and I was just like-

14:24

Not even a couple of swings? No,

14:27

no swings. And I was driving

14:29

home going, tick on her four hour

14:31

drive home to where she was when she originally

14:34

lied. Yes, back to Denver

14:36

I went. And

14:38

no, but I was

14:40

driving home saying, you

14:43

idiot, you idiot.

14:46

And I felt so humiliated

14:48

wearing that shirt after

14:50

that happened. Oh, wow,

14:53

God, there's something like, you know what I love so much about

14:55

this story is like, how old are

14:57

you when this happened?

14:58

I was like 26. Right,

15:01

and I don't mean this in a rude way at all, but

15:04

it's got the innocence of like a 13 year old,

15:06

like first love. Do you know what I mean? A

15:09

million? Like the holding of the hand over there. I

15:11

feel like I had so many

15:13

things that I thought were like, this

15:15

is gonna be it, this is gonna be it. And then they just tell me

15:17

how they wish the

15:20

hot girls had

15:22

a personality like mine, which was then

15:24

my confirmation I was not deemed one

15:26

of the hot girls. Did you learn a lesson

15:28

there about like, I'm not gonna torture myself

15:31

in this ambiguity again? Right, if you become

15:33

more of a go-getter. So we've got Kevin here, who's asking

15:35

a date he hasn't even slept with to shove something up his

15:38

ass. So like, I feel like we have a real spectrum

15:40

of confidence. Sure do. Can

15:42

you imagine how hot you have to feel? How hot,

15:44

unlike confident of a person you have to feel to

15:46

know that you might be able to survive this

15:49

with a beautiful woman. We'll be right

15:51

back.

15:52

Band-Aids.

15:58

Band-Aids.

15:59

And we're back. Kevin and Susan,

16:02

I'm so excited for so

16:04

many reasons. I mean, this... I

16:07

was not privy to your third date

16:09

story. I think,

16:10

Kevin, from the look of you,

16:12

we would have preferred it stayed that way, but

16:15

now it's all out there. Are you

16:17

feeling all right that that's on the table?

16:19

Oh, of course. Yeah, I've talked about this before in

16:21

public. It wasn't an

16:24

option for me

16:25

to call her. I had nothing... I would have

16:27

died had she not come with... A

16:30

fleet anima. I mean, I was...

16:32

Wait,

16:32

wait, wait, wait, wait,

16:35

wait. You made her pick up the

16:37

anima? Oh, yeah, I went to

16:39

Walgreens in Studio City.

16:42

Okay, wait, wait. I know we have other

16:44

date stories to get into, but just like, I

16:47

feel hot in the face. Take...

16:50

Can you come and spill everyone's beans?

16:52

Yeah, of course. Okay,

16:56

so you've had two dates. Susan, how are

16:58

you feeling about Kevin at the point of two dates?

17:00

You're like, I think I really like this guy, or I'm not

17:02

sure. I really liked him. I really liked him a lot. Okay,

17:04

you really liked him evidently. Fucking clearly. And

17:06

then he sends you a

17:08

message or a phone

17:11

call. I think he just called. It was just

17:13

a cold call. Oh,

17:16

wow. God, that's so much more legendary

17:18

to have to do that over the phone. Kevin, you're my fucking

17:20

hero. Okay, so he phoned

17:22

you up.

17:23

It may have been a landline. It may have right

17:25

been before. Do we have cell phones? I don't

17:28

remember. Did he leave a message on an answering

17:30

machine? It was a clamshell. It

17:32

was not on the answering machine, but that would be a great

17:34

piece of history for our son to have. Oh, 100%.

17:38

He sounded panicked. His

17:40

next call would be 911. Jess,

17:44

what can you do? Are you near pharmacy? I'm

17:47

so sorry to tell you this. This is so

17:49

awkward for me, but there's no one else that can do this.

17:51

I'm in a lot of pain, and I said, should we

17:53

go to Cedars? What's going on? I said, I'm

17:55

sorry, Susan, but I need you to help me.

17:58

I am constipated. And I cannot

18:02

get out of the bathroom. I can't walk. I

18:04

need you. I didn't ask her, would she?

18:06

I said, I need you to go to the pharmacy.

18:09

Good point. And get me something called a fleet

18:11

enema. And I said, I

18:13

need you to hurry. Hurry, hurry. And

18:16

she says, I'm leaving now. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Was this

18:18

a third date already arranged? Or did this technically

18:21

become the third date? This actually became

18:23

a health. Were

18:24

you just calling her for help? Well, we're

18:26

trying to decide whether we should consider this whole evening

18:28

a date or not. But I think

18:31

it was after the third date. So I'm

18:35

like dying. I'm dying on the toilet. I

18:37

can't move. I keep calling her. I said,

18:39

where are you now? Where are you now? Where are you now? I'm

18:41

coming down the break. OK, how about now? And

18:44

she finally gets to my house. I'm so relieved.

18:47

She comes running up the stairs. I got it. I got it.

18:49

And I think, thank God. And she takes out

18:51

of the bag. It's not a fleet enema. It's

18:53

a suppository.

18:54

I said, fleet enema.

18:57

I said, a fleet enema. You've got to go

18:59

back. You've got to go back. So

19:01

she gets back. And she runs out. I hear her going down

19:03

the stairs. And she gets in

19:05

the car. She's gone. And now this is where

19:07

I start preparing for either death or

19:09

enema just in time.

19:11

I start spreading towels

19:14

down the floor. It's like I'm a

19:16

cat getting ready to deliver kittens. And

19:18

I'm curled up in the fetal position, ready

19:20

to go. So there's no wasted time when she gets there.

19:23

We take it out of the package and boom. And

19:25

I don't know why they make these fleet enema packages so difficult

19:27

to open up. They

19:28

should be just a little button you push as it

19:30

pops out. But

19:33

it's shrink wrap. And it's got

19:36

that little clip on it in case you steal it. So

19:40

finally she comes running up. She's got the fleet enema.

19:42

And I said, OK. And

19:45

I closed the door. I didn't make her stay. I

19:47

had her close the door. But I did. And

19:51

then I did what I had to do. And I was so

19:53

relieved. And I owed her my life after

19:55

that. Did you hear him give birth? No,

19:57

I think I went downstairs and turned on Shashankra.

19:59

The only

20:03

thing more harrowing than what was happening. I

20:06

just turned up a movie

20:08

really loudly and I just hung out in your kitchen. I remember

20:10

that. That's very good to be found. Yeah.

20:12

And then

20:14

I was embarrassed to see her. You know, I

20:16

was embarrassed to come down and see her after

20:18

what happened. Of course. Because it was

20:20

very embarrassing. And finally

20:22

I said to her, you

20:25

can't tell anybody about this. And I

20:27

did think that in the bathroom. I said, I might have to kill her now. I

20:29

may have to kill her because she's not telling anybody.

20:32

You were like, don't tell anyone.

20:35

Let Tig tell everyone on

20:37

a thing called a podcast. 22 years later, please

20:40

just wait. All

20:43

right. Susan,

20:46

I just, let's first get into your story

20:48

before we go to Kevin. Let's

20:51

give Kevin a little rest. Him

20:54

and his asshole have been through a lot on this podcast

20:56

already. They have, we'll put him on a towel for

20:58

now. So tell

21:00

me about coupon car.

21:05

All right. So this guy shows up much sure

21:07

actually how we were set up. I think a friend

21:10

mentioned him and said

21:12

you guys would hit it off. So

21:15

he knocks on the door and I answer

21:17

it. And this guy is all

21:20

sweaty and he's in turquoise

21:23

running shorts. And

21:25

it looks like he'd just done a marathon. It just

21:28

real clammy and sweaty out of

21:30

breath and asked if he could come and sit down. I

21:33

said, that's fine. And

21:35

I wanted to get out of it then, but I couldn't.

21:38

So I hung in there. And then

21:42

he said, my uncle gave

21:44

me this LA coupon book and I thought we

21:46

would do the whole date tonight

21:48

based on the coupons. So he

21:51

goes, I've got a coupon for black

21:53

Angus. Buy one prime roast,

21:57

you know, 16 ounce prime roast, get one free. So

21:59

he goes, let's just go there. So

22:01

we go outside and get in his car, which was missing

22:03

a couple of gears. So

22:06

I had to help him push it forward and then push

22:08

it back. It wasn't really good at parallel parking.

22:11

And so I'm pushing it a little bit, then

22:14

he's coming back. And then he said, okay, it's

22:16

a little bit like Miss Sunshine

22:18

movie, where you have to run to catch the van,

22:20

right? So he's

22:23

driving it. And then I start

22:25

jogging alongside of it. He opens the door.

22:27

I hop in. And he

22:29

goes, great. Here, hold the coupon

22:31

book. So we go to Black

22:33

Angus, which

22:35

is a steakhouse. I'm

22:37

not thrilled about that. And we sit down

22:39

and he's just psyched about it because there's other coupons,

22:42

follow-ups, where you get free molasses

22:44

bread and other

22:46

things that are on the menu. I think this man is an

22:49

icon. Go on. And

22:51

so we do that. And then we get in the car and he said,

22:54

well,

22:54

the next coupon is in

22:56

Sherman Oaks is a putt putt golf.

22:59

And we can go and get 18 holes

23:01

by it. 18 holes. You get 18 holes free.

23:04

So we go there and we play miniature golf on

23:06

his coupon rip. He's just ripping

23:09

the coupons out. And then while you're there, there's a snow

23:11

cone coupon rip. So

23:13

the whole night was that where it ended up in Baskin

23:15

Robbins,

23:17

where again, buy a banana split,

23:19

rip, get another banana split,

23:21

split free. And I, I'd

23:26

really thought about if he was the right one, obviously

23:28

I have a

23:29

threshold, right? I mean, I can handle

23:31

things with people. Let's be honest. I

23:34

mean, truly. Hello.

23:36

Yes. I can handle things. I mean, this is, yeah.

23:39

I just found it and I'm not materialistic

23:42

or any of that stuff. It just something about it felt

23:44

so sad and

23:46

thought, if this is your

23:48

first date where you're trying to impress someone, could

23:52

you shower up? I mean, he smelled

23:54

like a sewer. It was awful. He was sweaty.

23:57

Susan, can I ask you something really fast? Yeah.

23:59

Do you think he was sweaty because he was pushing his

24:02

car down the street? Exactly what I was wondering.

24:04

Yes, I think he was because

24:06

it was missing a couple of gears. Yeah, and I think it sounds

24:09

like he pushed it all the way. Yeah, he

24:11

made it. He's single. So he's

24:13

alone pushing a car. Yeah, pushing

24:16

a car. He needed you. I don't know. I think that that's

24:18

good cardio. If you're going to eat that much with

24:20

the coupons, I actually think that's

24:22

really sensible. I mean, ending the night full

24:25

of like steak and molasses bread with

24:27

a fucking Baskin Robyn. I mean, I'm

24:29

from

24:29

the 90s generation. I know

24:32

how extraordinary the size of it. Not

24:34

like the shit that people get now, these tiny little

24:37

stingy half scoops. I remember

24:39

the good old fashioned Baskin Robyn's banana

24:41

split. This man, oh

24:43

my God. I mean, I find the coupon

24:45

thing

24:46

really, really funny. And I think that

24:49

I would personally probably enjoy that. But

24:51

there is an element of if there's no

24:53

sense of kind of fun or irony

24:55

around it, then it feels like, yeah,

24:57

then that feels like, then it's not like we're in on

24:59

this. Let's see how much dumb shit we can do

25:02

for free and like pack the night

25:04

in and have like an adventure that feels like

25:06

a movie. But

25:08

if it sounds like it's been

25:10

delivered more like, I'm not really sure

25:12

about you. So I don't want to spend all

25:15

of my money on you. I'm willing to go

25:17

half in and I'm

25:19

not willing to shower. And

25:20

I'm not willing to make sure that you don't have to like

25:23

endanger your life to get into my car.

25:26

It sounds very one foot out the door. My

25:28

most important question is, because

25:30

I always wonder this and I rarely set

25:32

people up with each other because I'm worried that

25:35

my setting you up with someone means that

25:37

I am explicitly telling you who

25:40

I think you deserve or should

25:42

be with. How pissed were you with your friend?

25:44

Oh, about a nine. Yeah.

25:48

Because it's, you know, when someone's that

25:50

way off the mark, that can hurt. That

25:52

was off and I kept going.

25:54

Where was any overlap?

25:57

Where did our Venn diagrams meet?

25:59

Like, Yeah. Why

26:02

did you think this guy was a

26:05

match for me? Yeah, like, do you love a bargain?

26:07

Like, Kevin, is that is that something that, you know,

26:09

Susan's known for, a love of a bargain?

26:11

No, she doesn't care about a bargain.

26:14

Not anything, okay. Not

26:17

even one good. Did

26:19

he try and kiss you at the end of the night? He didn't have

26:21

a coupon for it. That's

26:25

amazing. OK, but Susan.

26:27

Go on, take it. What if somebody

26:30

said to you before

26:32

this rip guy

26:34

and before Prince Neelan

26:37

showed up, what if somebody

26:40

said to you, do you want a

26:42

guy

26:43

that rips coupons out

26:46

of a book to go decide

26:48

where to go on your date? Or do you

26:51

want a constipated man who's

26:53

in fetal position sending

26:56

you to the drug store to shove something

26:58

up his ass? OK, which

27:01

would you choose? OK, because

27:04

I can't get upset with your friend. We can't get a

27:06

gauge of like where your line is, where

27:09

your red flags are. You're talking about Venn

27:11

diagram. It's like, where does

27:13

Kevin's funny, too? OK,

27:15

but

27:18

I hear you. I hear you. answer

27:20

that, let me just say there

27:23

is no way to get closer to somebody quicker

27:25

than what we did than inside of their

27:28

asshole. Yeah, there's no there's no swinging

27:30

on the swing for three hours into the night.

27:33

And then, you know, pussy putting

27:35

around the couch. You know, I just

27:38

cut right to the chase like we've been married for 20 years.

27:40

I said, I need you to go to the pharmacy now and get

27:43

fleet enema. You come back here. You bring

27:45

it up to me now.

27:45

Hurry. You understand that woman. Where

27:48

is my sweet enema? The

27:51

robot is making me very, very

27:53

bad. I got so horny for it. Yes.

27:56

Oh, the guy. No,

27:58

no competition from the coupon guy. We'll be right

28:00

back.

28:09

And we're back. Kevin, talk to me

28:11

about Bachelor Number 3. OK,

28:15

I started dating this girl in LA

28:18

and I was crazy about her.

28:20

And I wasn't that successful. So

28:23

she wasn't really, you know, on

28:25

board all the way. And

28:28

but I really was crazy about her and we had

28:30

a good run for about six weeks. And.

28:33

I

28:34

want to get my my aftercard

28:37

for acting. And so there was a show called

28:39

The Dating Game.

28:41

And I auditioned for The Dating Game.

28:44

And before you get on that show,

28:46

they ask you a series of questions to see what

28:48

your personality is like, to see if you'll be good

28:50

on that show. And

28:53

one of the women they asked before me was, what's

28:55

interesting about yourself? She goes, well, and she had bright

28:58

red lips. She said, let's see something

29:00

interesting. Well, a

29:02

couple of weeks ago, I had my lips tattooed red.

29:05

So I never have to bother wearing lipstick again. And

29:07

at the time, this was unheard of. And

29:09

everybody went, oh, oh, she

29:12

said, but I still have to go back for a little more in the corner because

29:14

it's not quite right enough.

29:15

So I said, OK. And so it comes to me. And

29:18

they said, Kevin, what's interesting thing about you? I

29:20

said, well, a couple

29:22

of weeks ago, I had my teeth tattooed white, so I never

29:24

have to brush them again. But

29:27

I still have to go back. I got a molar in the back that's not

29:29

quite done yet. And so that

29:31

got me on the show. So

29:34

the day comes and I'm terrified. This is the first time I've

29:36

been on TV and they

29:38

sit us in the chairs and they said, just keep talking. Just

29:40

keep talking. When the when

29:42

the girl asked you a question, there's three of us. I was

29:45

you know, I was one of the three bachelors, number three. And

29:48

so this girl that

29:50

I wanted that I was dating, she broke up with

29:52

me

29:53

because I wasn't like what she

29:55

wanted. Were you using coupons? I

29:59

was actually. Yeah. Yeah. Big

30:02

no-no in this crowd. Yeah.

30:05

So, so she dumps me and

30:07

I'm thinking, how can I get her back? How can I

30:09

get her back? Anyway, I go on the dating

30:11

game

30:12

and

30:13

they asked me the questions and the girl

30:15

picks me,

30:16

bachelor number three, I'm excited. The

30:20

couple on before me, they taped two shows in one

30:22

day. The couple on before me was this

30:24

guy, he was bachelor number

30:26

two, and he wins

30:29

the date and they went a trip to Fiji,

30:32

a three-day trip to Fiji with

30:34

this and that and, you know, and

30:36

I'm thinking when I win, I'm thinking, okay, I have suntan

30:39

lotion,

30:40

I have, you know, I have

30:42

flip-flops, I have a bathing suit. I'm thinking I'm gonna

30:44

go someplace nice. And the guy, they

30:46

go, and you've won a night of the town

30:48

in Los Angeles. You'll be going to see The Sunset,

30:51

then you'll be going to see a play at the Almasan

30:53

Theater, and then you'll be going to dinner at Danny's

30:55

Apple in the Valley.

30:57

And, well,

30:59

at least I won the date. So I'm thinking, okay,

31:02

the girl looks pretty nice and she's fairly

31:05

attractive. That'll be fun.

31:07

So a year and a half later, having her back from them,

31:10

and they call me.

31:12

Wait, what do you, sorry, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

31:14

what do you mean? A year and a half later, you haven't, you

31:16

don't go on the date for the whole year and a half. You win

31:19

the competition, it goes on television.

31:21

Yeah, yeah. But they never

31:24

cash in the check of your night on the town in

31:26

Los Angeles. Not at this point. What

31:28

happened was they were so backlogged because it was the

31:30

end of the run of the show. Right. It

31:33

was the end of it. So they had so many people they had to set up dates with.

31:36

And so

31:37

a year and a half goes by, they call me and say, we can't

31:40

find the girl. You can bring whoever you want. It's

31:42

gonna be a show for Limousine, Sunset,

31:45

Almasan

31:46

Theater for a play, and then Danny's

31:48

Apple. So I'm

31:51

excited. I think, wow, I'm gonna pick her up in a

31:53

limousine and we're gonna go

31:55

have a night on the town and

31:57

I'm gonna win her back. So.

31:59

So, since it's a year and a half later, they don't

32:02

care. They send this town car to my house with

32:04

this kid who looks like he's 17. He's

32:06

got the chauffeur's hat on down over his eyes.

32:08

Definitely a runner on the production, yes. Yeah,

32:11

yes. And I

32:15

get in the car and we pick her up

32:17

and she's a little taken aback by what's

32:19

going on.

32:20

She was expecting something a little nicer. And

32:23

we miss the sunset

32:27

because they got there too late. We

32:32

go to the Amundsen Theater to see this play

32:34

which mirrored our relationship. It was really

32:36

sad. I was kind of whimpering next to her as

32:38

we were watching it.

32:40

Oh, Kevin. Well,

32:43

I know, I know. And

32:45

then we go to Danny's Apple, this restaurant

32:47

out in the valley.

32:48

And they are just about closing. They have the

32:50

chairs up on the table

32:52

and all they have left is cold food in the kitchen.

32:56

Go ahead. We did that.

32:59

And then we're driving back

33:02

to our houses, the chauffeur. And

33:05

she starts an argument with me in the back seat.

33:09

Okay, about what? About what?

33:11

I don't remember what it was, but she's railing

33:14

it to me. She is just really tearing

33:16

me a new one, which is great because I had constipation that

33:18

night too. And of she,

33:22

so finally she wants to be dropped off.

33:24

So the chauffeur drops her off and

33:26

I ended up going out with a chauffeur to have a few drinks

33:29

and just reminiscing about it. Oh

33:32

my God, is that how your night ended?

33:35

Yeah, that was it. That is a fucking

33:38

horrible day. Guys, guys,

33:40

sad. I can't believe

33:42

that the best day I've heard about on here involves

33:45

an enema up someone's ass and

33:47

violent diarrhea. That is

33:50

amazing that that was the best

33:52

day of any of the stories that I've heard

33:54

here. It is fucking hard out there. It

33:57

is hard out there and you were doing it before the apps.

33:59

Oh, so you were just you

34:02

were just raw dogging it. You were going on

34:04

blind dates. People were not texting. Yeah, it is.

34:06

Yeah. No, you had no sense of who

34:08

you were going to go on a date with. You're just like banking

34:10

on your pheromones. Obviously, like online

34:12

dating is another level of fucking terrifying.

34:14

I don't know if that was ever something any of you have thought.

34:18

I'd enjoy that. But I dare I. Yeah,

34:21

I would drown in that pool. That was that would not

34:23

be conducive

34:25

to my brain.

34:26

I am. I'm very happy that you've

34:29

all found people who have loved you and

34:31

treated you well and romanced you in various

34:33

exciting and interesting ways.

34:35

Tamil, I bet you would ask a lot of questions

34:37

on the dating sites. You know, like maybe

34:39

a ton of questions. What are you trying

34:41

to say, Kevin? I think you're very

34:44

thorough is what I'm saying. I think you listen really

34:46

well and you would double back on a lot of

34:48

these people, what they're saying and proposing

34:50

to you.

34:51

I think so. Yeah. Oh,

34:55

yeah. Right. You're a little too sharp.

34:57

You're a little too sharp for your pants. You know, I

35:00

remember when Kevin

35:02

and Susan met because Sarah

35:05

Silverman

35:06

said to me

35:08

how thrilled she was

35:10

that Kevin found someone

35:13

because and I don't I'm

35:16

just sharing all of Kevin's secret

35:18

story. But just that, you

35:21

know, Kevin, that you had been you

35:23

were touring all the time and you were really

35:25

ready to meet someone and settle down.

35:28

And I remember Sarah telling me,

35:30

she

35:31

was like, oh, my gosh, Kevin met

35:33

somebody and and

35:35

they're in love. And she wants to have

35:37

children, too, because you wanted to have kids

35:40

and you weren't, you

35:42

know, finding Susan

35:44

Yegley's out there in the mix. And I remember

35:47

I didn't know you as well then.

35:49

And but still feeling like this

35:52

is tremendous news. And then you find

35:54

out it's Susan Yegley. And

35:56

then it's like, well, what

35:59

else could this guy?

35:59

I mean, especially since she's

36:02

shoving things in your ass, you know? Well,

36:05

I can tell you that she... Yes, thank

36:07

you. She kind of... It all balanced

36:09

out in the end because I helped deliver

36:12

the baby, so I had to get down on that, too.

36:14

Right, right, right. And a poo comes

36:16

out before the baby, doesn't it? Yes. If

36:19

you're lucky, yeah. False start,

36:21

right, right. Also

36:24

constipated. There's a theme in your relationship. Um,

36:27

I'm so happy that we're ending on a beautiful and

36:29

hopeful note for anyone out there who's

36:31

had a fucking terrible day. Thank

36:34

you, guys. You've all been an absolute joy. I

36:36

got more than I ever could have

36:38

hoped for. -...just...

36:41

Thanks for having me. Thank you.

36:43

Thank you. Thanks

36:44

for having Tig. Thanks. Great to see ya.

36:49

Tig Notaro hosts the podcast Don't Ask Tig and

36:51

co-hosts Tig and Cheryl, True Story, and

36:53

her upcoming tour dates are available on tignotaro.com.

36:56

Kevin Nealon's series Hiking With Kevin is available

36:59

on YouTube and his new book of art is called I

37:01

Exaggerate, My Brushes With Fame. And

37:03

Susan Yagley co-hosts the podcast Fiscal

37:05

Firecrackers, which educates, entertains,

37:07

and empowers you with your money. Bad Dates

37:09

is produced by Smartless Media and Wondery.

37:12

Created by Robert Cohen. Executive

37:14

producers are Robert Cohen and Jamila Jamil.

37:16

That's me. Produced by Stuart Bailey.

37:19

Produced, engineered, and edited by Devin

37:21

Torrey-Briant. Talent producer

37:23

is Anne Harris. Associate producer

37:25

is Maddie McCann. Music by Cushy

37:28

and Evan Schletter. Executive

37:30

producers are Will Arnett, Jason Bateman,

37:32

and Sean Hayes. Executive producers

37:35

for Smartless Media are Richard Coulson and

37:37

Bernie Kaminsky.

37:39

If you've

37:39

had a bad date and you'd like to tell us all

37:41

about it, our number is 984-265-3283 and

37:46

our email is baddatespod at gmail.com.

37:48

We can't wait to hear all about it. That's

37:51

all for this week. We will see you next time for

37:53

more... Bad Dates! connect

38:01

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38:12

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