0:00

Pressure on it like you gotta start off strong. We

0:02

all have let's let's start off weak. Okay,

0:04

let's start a very then Can I say something? Oh

0:06

god, you want to open the show? Yeah, no, I

0:08

just want to ask you a question Okay,

0:11

I love go ahead. Yeah, I didn't know you

0:13

weren't in the same list. That's OJ Simpson You

0:18

made a list yeah this past weekend you and OJ

0:20

Simpson share I know but we can't talk about the

0:22

legal leader told me oh Well,

0:26

we started weak Okay

0:43

I'm sorry. Yeah, let's move on to something else. Oh,

0:45

so it's bull It

0:47

brings up so much bull. Oh Just

0:50

bring up all my trauma I

0:52

mean, yeah, let's talk about how my dad beat me again.

0:54

God. Well, let's talk about let's

0:57

talk about what who's in the studio today It's

0:59

John stone John stony John stony

1:01

John and he's here joint

1:03

John John the joint man He's here

1:05

because Carlos and McCone both

1:08

got the flu in Vegas and when Asians get high

1:10

they get their eyes are completely closed It's unbelievable. You

1:12

know, how do you drive? Like how

1:14

do you do that? Oh my god a stone stone? Driving

1:19

a stoned Asian driving. No, thanks Yeah,

1:23

it's a pass from yeah, I love stony

1:25

Asians you drive better But

1:27

dude, have you seen a meth Asian? They

1:30

clip the gun of bonsai trees. Oh My

1:34

god better than mr. Miyagi way better really yeah,

1:36

you don't know that that's how I'm not around

1:38

a lot of methane Yeah, yeah. Oh

1:41

dude. Imagine if you had math back in the

1:43

samurai days Wow one samurai just

1:45

going crazy He make a sword in like

1:47

five minutes, you know used to

1:49

take them forever to like five minutes. Yeah,

1:52

yeah Yeah, he would cut himself right it would turn the

1:54

scab and then he would just pull it out and eat

1:56

it Because met people. Okay,

1:59

and there was Also, could

2:01

I say something about, was

2:03

there a meth pack then? I don't know. When

2:06

was crystal meth invented? Well,

2:08

I mean, look, we had to have some form of this. There

2:11

had been some form. Floating around, right?

2:14

Yeah. Well, this methamphetamine has probably been

2:16

around for a long time. That chemical

2:18

makeup of methamphetamines. What's all science? Isn't

2:20

that? It's all science. Yeah,

2:23

yeah. If I had a time machine, I would

2:25

take fentanyl. No, just hear

2:27

me out. What

2:30

era are you going back to? 17th century. You're

2:33

going to go back to the 17th century? What is that?

2:36

Is that far? Is that far? That's

2:38

us. What do you mean? How

2:40

far? When is it? America

2:42

was still around, right? No, there wasn't. Declaration of

2:45

Independence. That's 1800, right? No, 1776. I

2:48

got 1776. What? Wait,

2:50

wait, wait. An Asian Korean guy with a pack of fentanyl.

2:53

From a time magazine. What century is 1776? The

2:56

17th century. No,

3:01

it's not. It's the 20th century. 18th century. It's

3:04

just one more. 20th century. 19th century. It's

3:06

the 18th. You already said it. 18th. 18th

3:09

century. Oh, the 1876. 18th

3:12

century. Oh, my bad. In 1776, you're going back to the

3:14

back. You said 1776. That's 17th century, no?

3:16

No. Okay, my bad. Zero

3:18

to 99 is one. History, man. Let me

3:20

get history that's math. Anyway, I show up.

3:22

Whatever. I did that. Hey,

3:24

no, shut up. Time machines have

3:27

a button. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Yeah, so I go

3:30

one, seven, seven, six, right? I'm

3:32

sorry. Your fingers are too

3:34

fat for the machines. No. And

3:36

I go, go get the flux

3:39

capacitor. Right, Marty. Yeah.

3:42

Marty runs up. Okay, boss. Okay,

3:45

boss. Right. Stick it in

3:47

there. Get the electricity. Is it raining yet? Right.

3:50

It's got to rain, right? Got to rain. I got to bring it to

3:52

89. Right. Put the

3:54

fennel in. The fennel's in. Now I'm

3:56

1776 and I'm in. Bakersfield.

4:02

Doesn't. Exist I know but I'm there was okay.

4:04

You a native? them? Exactly. I

4:06

got them hook for us. ah you,

4:08

who did you do and what we

4:11

did last? I just don't do it

4:13

again but I'll hook Omega goes wrong

4:15

for say that his elaborated on that

4:17

because repeated say does yet another giving

4:19

them smallpox something way worse. Yeah yeah

4:21

yeah hadn't thought. Of as through.

4:23

It's nice to go to these costs. Borrow.

4:26

I often. Okay, stable get Boston

4:28

Tea Party The Tea Party. Dude.

4:31

He and Fat know we don't. You know that combo

4:33

does. That's

4:36

a great they should be of like it's

4:38

little shop and france. the shows. That.

4:40

Has that known team any? My point is like a t

4:42

with the on since and. Yeah

4:45

have green tea with your front know and

4:47

you would make a killing because they've never

4:49

heard of opiates. have a money is worthless

4:51

that it's worth less then you get like

4:53

gold teeth are you could get goalies raid

4:55

right. Loyalty, the wooden leg ah

4:57

else a you want suffer no gimme

4:59

we're gold tooth wouldn't legs and the

5:01

one of those feathery pens. A.

5:04

You can get those anywhere I know but from

5:06

you. If you went to a bank back then

5:08

did their pens a tacit chains have feathers on.

5:10

I'm still. That

5:12

be so fun if you're still one of the feathery

5:15

patio area so that's not your father is to be

5:17

a true that belongs to the bank. Yeah yeah, You.

5:19

Don't I thought about. I would go back

5:21

in time, weigh heavily heavy artillery like real

5:24

guns real guns without the had it back

5:26

to the gold rush days and just rob

5:28

everybody. Beard. Guns and yet not like

5:30

and up we have vi we have fuck it I

5:32

can have a are fifteen. I could

5:34

pursue cause of death. Give.

5:37

Us your go you as you go with

5:39

so. Loaded. right?

5:43

sick about you'd see if we're if we

5:45

could go back and rob anything or any where.

5:47

I mean obviously you'd wanna rub Fort Knox

5:49

right? That's the ultimate goal. You know

5:51

what that is? Of course in the what?

5:53

Fort Knox is what century that one and

5:56

we still have That's right, What Is it?

5:58

It's. what they put the money It's where they put

6:00

the gold the gold bars and we know that's not

6:02

true. It's not true, but that's in folklore That's where

6:04

they keep alien bodies in my opinion. I think forknocks

6:07

is filled with Top

6:09

secret shit. We're not supposed to get to yeah cuz

6:11

they everyone thinks it's an area 51. No. Thank you

6:13

I think it's a dude you seven six studio studio

6:15

city studio 76 54 today studio 54 Is

6:21

a studio 54 with a fucking alien,

6:23

yeah, no No,

6:26

what is it? one I Always

6:30

oh my god. I've told I've used

6:32

studio 54 for in reference to aliens

6:34

before in conversation I know you thinking

6:36

it's the same thing and people have

6:39

been looking I remember go people going

6:41

what what are you talking about? I'm

6:44

telling you me. It's an Arizona because in New York. They

6:46

should have opened up a studio 51 in area 51 a

6:51

Coked out nightclub to see aliens dude.

6:53

Look at this guy's arms You Know

6:56

I saw the other day on tick tock

6:58

too by the way someone was dissecting how

7:00

we think dinosaurs look a certain way

7:04

and she was like I'm a biologist

7:06

and she was like this doesn't even make sense

7:08

the way that they've Thought

7:10

dinosaurs look or the way we draw them.

7:13

It's basically skin on bone She's

7:15

like that's not it that you have cart

7:17

There's tons of cartilage and fat and all sorts of stuff

7:19

and muscle She was like a dinosaur

7:21

is basically the shape of the bone structure with a

7:23

little bit of You

7:26

know outlining she goes but look at your

7:28

nose if you remove your nose from your face. It's a fucking

7:30

hole So this is just

7:32

all cartilage But they didn't account for like

7:34

random pieces of things sticking off of the dinosaur So

7:37

she's like they didn't look anything like that. Oh

7:39

what you're saying is like we've just guessed what we

7:42

think that she should have big noses What

7:45

did you just say? They have big

7:47

noses. There's Jewish dinosaurs there was There

7:52

was you know will

7:54

be extinct someday. How do

7:56

they hold the money? Can

8:03

we get in trouble? You

8:06

can. Yeah, can we get it cut out? Yes.

8:09

No! Stacey's Jewish, do you approve?

8:11

Are you Jewish Stacey? Do

8:13

you approve? She approves. See? It's

8:16

all in good fun. It's all in good fun. Look, if there was Asian

8:18

dinosaurs, let's do that then. If you want to go down the line. Oh,

8:21

what do you mean? Aurora!

8:26

Yeah. By the

8:28

way, an Asian, just Asian-eyed dinosaur is so funny

8:30

to me. That's such a funny... And

8:33

their nails are immaculate. Yeah, so nice. Roo-koo-roo.

8:36

The Vietnamese did this all for me.

8:42

When they swipe the prey and they're in their

8:44

hands, they're like, wow! Beautiful

8:47

nails. Wow. Asian dinosaurs.

8:50

We lost a couple of our employees over the

8:52

weekend in Vegas getting too sick. These guys stayed

8:54

all night. You should see, we got them passes

8:56

to the Chainsmokers. McCone was up next to the

8:58

stage. He was wearing a mechanics uniform, by the

9:00

way. They let him do

9:02

a nightclub. He's wearing a mechanics onesie, like a one zip

9:04

up. McCone was. Yeah.

9:07

I didn't even know that. And Carlos was a good boy.

9:09

I didn't know that was even a Chainsmoker thing. The

9:12

Chainsmokers in Vegas, you did know we were going to see the

9:14

Chainsmokers. We literally said it 50 times. Nope.

9:17

Everyone in the room has proof. I was in my hotel room.

9:19

No, dude, you were in the room with Shay Matash

9:21

and what's the other gentleman's name that you brought? Oh

9:24

my God. That was a not. Okay, so I'm

9:26

going to just say something. I apologize for. May

9:29

I apologize for something? Fuckin' please. So

9:34

first of all, Vegas, great show. In

9:37

fact, I mean, I don't

9:39

think the MGM liked me, but we can't wait

9:42

to go back to the MGM. You

9:44

can't. You can't wait. I

9:46

can't wait. Yeah. You have to wait. I

9:49

have to wait. So, um, so,

9:51

you know, afterwards, it's our last US show. You

9:55

know what I mean? We may do more in the

9:57

future. Fifty-nine cities is what I think they tallied up.

9:59

Fifty-nine cities. Great show. Afterwards, everyone

10:01

came out. I had some friends from Vegas.

10:03

Shama. Tash, who's a comedian who I used

10:05

to room with in LA 30 years ago.

10:07

You know what I mean? She came by.

10:09

She was rad. So nice. Yeah, she opens

10:11

for Carrot Top. She's a great impressionist. My

10:13

point being is this, okay? You

10:15

have your family there. We have...

10:18

Also, you know who I love? The fucking

10:20

Watchmakers family. Christine. I talked

10:22

to her for like 20 minutes. Well, she's not a

10:24

Watchmaker. She sells them. Just call her a Watchmaker. It

10:26

makes it better. Watchmaker,

10:28

Watchmaker, make me a watch. I

10:31

feel like she has one of those little things and she's in there.

10:33

Well, they definitely have one of those things. Okay. What

10:36

are those little things like that? You know

10:38

what they're called? What? Dropclops.

10:41

The other dropclops? Yeah. Anyway,

10:43

families, kids running around. Beautiful, right?

10:46

Yeah. But then a week before,

10:48

Paula did. My friend

10:51

wants to go. Paula hit you up?

10:53

Yeah. And I go, all right, who's your friend?

10:56

I can't... Right? Beautiful woman.

10:59

So I'll get her backstage, right? No, you got her

11:01

backstage. I got her backstage. So

11:06

as soon as I... She's a nice lady.

11:08

She was very nice. Very nice lady. But

11:11

she did something where she was like, I'm going

11:13

to get a cure from... I know I'm going to... She has a

11:15

number. I'm going to hear it. Well, let's hear it now. She was just

11:17

like, who does this?

11:20

cocaine anyone? Well,

11:22

that's actually really polite. Oh, that's true.

11:24

I mean, it's... But off of your

11:26

finger? Fingernail or finger? Was it her fingernail or finger?

11:29

It was almost... Her finger was so sweaty, it was

11:31

like blotched on. Oh, wow. It was...

11:33

It surrounded her pinkish. She

11:35

waits a couple of minutes. She's like, crack? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

11:37

And people are like, oh, no, thanks. Like,

11:41

I've never... I don't know. Have you been offered

11:43

cocaine before? Yeah, what the fuck? I've never been

11:46

offered cocaine because maybe I'm sober. You're sober. Oh,

11:48

that's right. I don't do cocaine. Everyone

11:50

who knows me knows that, but I wouldn't... I've

11:52

been offered it still from people. When's the lesson you

11:54

did cocaine? I've never done cocaine. Do

11:57

you not know this? My father went to prison because he had the

11:59

cocaine addiction? One time you I mean you know

12:01

me 15 you have to be curious. I've never done cocaine

12:04

Well, my dad liked this don't make it all like it,

12:06

you know, I met him He's a great guy

12:09

you did when did you own Chicago? Yeah,

12:11

no, no, he loved cocaine He loved the

12:13

loved you've never done anything white in

12:15

your nose except for women. Oh In

12:19

my nose, yeah, I don't think I've

12:21

ever snorted anything Mmm, I

12:23

think I mean I've eaten stuff. I mean

12:25

where pills and all that bullshit would you

12:27

you never smoke crack? That's

12:30

not snorting. I don't think I've smoked crack.

12:32

No, I'm thinking about it. Oh, do you see that? Those

12:35

I'll tell you what I did one time like

12:37

a fucking moron. Well, you know how the hookah's,

12:40

you know smoking hookah Mmm, they put like the

12:42

charcoal thing on there one time. I smoked some

12:44

of that. Mmm the dumbest I was like 17

12:46

years old. I think I smoked

12:49

the charcoal nugget We

12:51

don't know how to use it. Well, I'm

12:53

not a desert dude So

12:56

I I just want to say I had to try

12:58

to get her out of there It was very polite of her to offer

13:00

cocaine I do think you're at a party and you have cocaine you should

13:02

offer it you do you're supposed

13:04

to it's a party is a party Drug. Yeah,

13:07

it's not a solo drug. I think but you

13:09

know being a sober guy I just can't hook

13:11

up with kokie kok people heroin feels like a

13:13

solo drug Also, if she was said

13:15

if you went anybody want to tie off

13:18

I've never that way. Yeah, that'd be crazy. I'd be out of

13:20

pocket Would you hold the rope if she was like, let me

13:22

hold this if she was hot like super hot all the rope

13:25

You know, I knew I was gonna get some action. Hold the

13:27

line. I'd hold the rope I don't

13:29

think you should hook up with anybody who is currently using no

13:31

clearly to me I don't you

13:33

say that to me. Yes, who else am I to why not?

13:36

What why don't I think you should go but

13:38

someone who's currently using drugs? No, we're not It's

13:41

a detrimental you're to you in the program. Well people

13:43

drink around me. I don't care people

13:45

barely drink around you No, in fact, we don't drink around

13:47

you much I don't almost ever drink around you and you

13:49

should because that doesn't affect me Yeah, but I do it

13:51

out of respect because I don't and I also don't need

13:54

to enough to do it in front of you I don't

13:56

care dude. I gave a girl a month ago. She goes class

13:58

book we do your car. Yes. Yeah, I

14:00

don't know. I don't know. Luck know you should not. Yeah,

14:02

yeah, you're on. My

14:05

for enjoy know don't smoke. I'm sober. Ah

14:07

so. You

14:09

know males are fun if you pulled over mater smoke weed

14:11

outside and get back to. Get

14:14

up and get in. I don't the sedated people

14:16

are using drugs actively. Look

14:18

at this my opinion. I might be wrong, but it's

14:20

what would the program say. The problem

14:22

is that there's nothing in the program as as up. His

14:24

or something approaching this isn't and in the first year. so to

14:27

not date someone in the program isn't that a whole thing. In.

14:29

The program where the sun, the book by it's

14:31

it's kind of like one of those. They.

14:34

Say do Not get in a relationship. With.

14:37

In the first year survived right? Any relationship? Will

14:39

that make sense? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Me:

14:41

So sad. You wait twelve months and then you

14:43

can dabble. You. Can double

14:45

and I'm. Like. If I

14:47

was on. A by response

14:50

he was sober new summer and

14:52

I said i'm. He

14:54

goes candidate I go. yeah and the at twelve

14:56

months out probably go. Button. No

14:58

one in the program probably. That's.

15:00

A healthy thing. I think know you see a

15:02

lot of that work but it's like the worst

15:05

is. When. You dating somebody? fun

15:07

loving the program and the next thing you know

15:09

you find. That. The relapsed now,

15:11

right? What Do you do? You.

15:14

Really know the Us. A third party

15:16

does not you. It's. Hard when

15:18

you have to First. Because. It's

15:20

as easy you can just go. I'm out. What?

15:23

You gotta go to we figure this out.

15:25

Do need to go somewhere you want to

15:27

help them because I can't live your mean

15:29

like this. I can. And because then you

15:31

become an enabler. Yeah, and that it's i'm

15:33

not different programming. Oh so psyched. I

15:36

think you would do like a little intervention and then

15:38

I think a lot of people I've known in my

15:40

life who have gone through that have had that predicament

15:42

where they have to their put in a position where

15:44

someone that they're in love with her friends with her

15:46

family that they're using and they used to use and

15:48

then they have to walk them slowly back to. Not.

15:51

Using But then you compromise your own safety

15:53

and security. That has a that

15:55

is a cool thing to do. Yeah. But.

15:57

It's also very dangerous for you. Yeah. Air Air

15:59

Go. He added don't don't think you should be dating

16:01

a buddy who's currently using. The. Air Go.

16:06

But. Let I'm got their go here go. You shouldn't

16:08

make any good point your I was. There.

16:12

Go Air! Go to New air Bud movie It's

16:14

with the know. What Is it? A live near?

16:16

literally? Never. that. You'll. Have seen

16:18

The Matrix. Air. Ago air go

16:20

okay. What? Does it mean though. You

16:23

know arguments Now for it means therefore it's

16:25

like a be and and in an end

16:27

to wrap and to summarize, or I know.

16:30

I. Was an English manor. You

16:32

are. Yeah, you're good with words. Not

16:37

ugly. I am literally. Odyssey.

16:40

Do. I really got stuck

16:42

on hour ago when I saw your face.

16:44

yeah I once you said that a put

16:46

me into a completely different panic. I think

16:48

you thought it was from Star Trek the

16:50

Space yeah I haven't heard that before but

16:52

and will like in the context of what

16:54

you said I'm trying to figure out why

16:56

that you like what episode it air go

16:59

pop adding a I yeah I yeah they

17:01

are Dell yeah exactly. How. Can

17:03

you learn something new everyday? Hospitality.

17:07

You know that is actually alive. Two weeks

17:09

up on our you just learned what hospitality

17:11

managed to do with hospitals of your men.

17:14

Know. It does nothing to hide hide. I

17:16

do know that our I don't allow but

17:18

I never bothered to memorize the word hospitality

17:21

because of the fact that like identity two

17:23

years old. A

17:26

type of about. So when I say the phrase hospice,

17:28

what do you think I was talking about. Like.

17:30

On I'd I hope it's like air ago I

17:32

just got a letter got you for shut up

17:35

about all these years since the like have some

17:37

as as about baseball leo. You.

17:39

I mean like that was being bought Baseball yeah

17:41

right you're edu your my you're like I have

17:43

some new base was undergoing Memorize that but it's

17:45

not all bad at all to be baseball he

17:47

officially to be rude to someone below you right

17:49

right side yeah I know that I do not

17:51

baseball Ios I will not be folly you get

17:53

me a good but like hospitality was one of

17:55

those were I just you know because the were

17:57

hostels and it our i'm not a nurse or.

18:00

Memorize that were. But then when I once I

18:02

figure it out. Ram. I always it's

18:04

it's a part of pm me mind you know

18:06

I'm his wheelhouse in other words and I can

18:08

use the so funny the as a he goes

18:11

on a day with a nurse and he's like

18:13

so you work in hospitality. And

18:16

says I got that's what I was kind

18:18

of sad. really kind of. That's what I

18:20

the Odyssey. That's what I what. But a

18:23

nurse does work in hospitality know I away

18:25

in. right? Like until he says

18:27

his wife with new. Worst. Kind

18:29

and I bought a way. I rented them having lunch

18:31

yeah to to sit on earth. Who.

18:33

Him and is why do you? His

18:36

wife is fucking beautiful, beautiful, smart and

18:38

sweet and cool. And she fucks that

18:40

guy. Got yeah, I know it shocks

18:42

my soul. Yeah, when I see her

18:44

it almost makes me mad. less it

18:46

makes me believe in God. To

18:48

something else has to be going on. Will. Know

18:50

I think here's what it is and is that.

18:52

and and I don't know much about the religious

18:54

but. This is what happens. To

18:56

your. Why? Beautiful woman who he ever you know

18:59

he has her to be in his movie in

19:01

Spain to buy them. I am he won't let

19:03

ago. Okay yeah we're not doing it but my

19:05

point is a your wife let me just guess

19:07

even. Through.

19:09

He her years she did and

19:11

hotdogs. Mr. She has

19:13

let me finish. I'm sure she had

19:16

as You projects in whoa. He.

19:18

Started a war. Be. Careful buddy. I'll.

19:21

Let. Me ask you something. Do

19:23

you want me? Or? movie? I.

19:26

Didn't say anything what know they are are

19:29

am I Am I? Why do they did

19:31

and Quad did the a sucker for ah

19:33

and these her dude our Embassy when other

19:35

messages you in the southern messages from motherfucker.

19:37

Lot of pro athletes right? Or a lot

19:39

of you're right right? That you mean there's

19:42

a lot going on. Her heart broken year

19:44

after it's probably eighty. Do it's yes or

19:46

your it. Over the years the club all

19:48

couple euro can be much harder on that.

19:50

The entire right. Liberty be clippard. Him and

19:53

I have a girl right? And

19:55

then she she goes a therapy or something in

19:57

the service. Will one what you just below. Go

20:00

real low. Yeah, go real low. She's

20:02

like, hello. And they go, did

20:05

you see the new JJ

20:07

Abrams Star Wars? That's

20:09

so funny. Mm-hmm. You're right. And

20:11

she's like, I guess I've said rent it.

20:14

She said no No, I'm just gonna say there is an animal in there

20:17

Called the pork and there are these

20:19

flying birds and Chewbacca eats one. Yeah, right

20:22

There are so many humans with that body and

20:24

scientifically they don't get you know, they don't

20:26

fuck people over right? So that because he

20:28

can't marry a pork Mary a pork that

20:30

she did she fight What

20:33

are you doing? What

20:37

are you doing, dude? I'm doing a show

20:40

right now I'm looking for TV's off. Anyway,

20:42

the TV's off you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway,

20:44

is that what happens? Shopify

20:47

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20:49

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I speaking to go in low yeah. Today.

23:53

I saw basset hound must have and hold was up as and

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how do we think what we say. They. Be sistine.

23:58

How. old are they live on an even up But it

24:00

was so old that he kept his balls in the Basset

24:02

Hound because you know how they're low to the ground They're

24:04

long low balls were literally dragging on

24:06

Joy Diaz They

24:09

were dragging Go

24:14

they were dragging on the ground. I'm not even kidding.

24:16

They swayed back and they were hitting the concrete you

24:19

like that I thought it was cool. That is pretty cool I

24:21

think it's cool that he kept the balls of the dog because

24:23

I will say this a biggest for one of the biggest regrets

24:25

In my life. I'm not kidding. Mmm

24:28

is that we? We

24:31

we we oh no, we nipped up our

24:33

dog I wish that she could have puppies

24:35

and I'm bummed that we did I wish

24:37

we let her have puppies you can reverse

24:39

it Yeah, you can't they

24:41

can do it with men. Mm-hmm. It's

24:43

not that's not a dog. It's not a bisectomy. Oh, it's

24:45

a woman Yeah, man. Okay,

24:47

my bad. You know, it's a woman a

24:50

little tiny strong black woman. Yeah black woman Let's

24:52

write in my house. I have a little tiny

24:54

hairy strong black woman. So she can't

24:56

have babies Mm-hmm

24:58

That's what I say when I ask her. All right, I

25:00

think cubby can get baby she goes Not

25:03

after what you did. Yeah, but if you can reverse

25:06

it, what do you do? You better get you better

25:08

get away from me with that shit That's what she's

25:10

you go to a dog park and just go go

25:12

get go. No, you're some beautiful like little well

25:14

first I put her in a little dress. Yeah. Yeah, I Give

25:18

her a little bit of smell good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and

25:20

she walks on little doggy heels Yeah,

25:22

yeah, and then I set her up we find someone

25:24

we do we find another dog that's applicable Yeah, no,

25:26

I wish we did be able to get her puppies.

25:29

It kind of bums me out I

25:31

like to this day. I'm like, why did we fucking do that?

25:33

Let me say something I didn't want her to get her doggy

25:35

period. I got one thing better than you hmm. What's for you?

25:37

I mean, I mean Yeah, you

25:39

get so Chinese in these mama go

25:41

ergo ergo ergo ergo hospitality

25:47

Guess what guy what don't

25:49

do this. Well speed it up. I will you

25:53

You know the clone how much does the clone cost because we

25:55

talked about you can do it now I can clone my dog

25:57

for like what how much is it 15 grand grand now Wow?

26:00

Cloned in should we doing I

26:02

mean I honestly let's let's do an experiment

26:04

to see if it works To

26:07

clone one of our dogs. Yeah, I would 100% be

26:09

into it. What do you guys think? Let's clone

26:11

a dog It costs $50,000

26:14

five zero. What happened to your voice Barry

26:16

white what the fuck it it

26:18

calls $50,000

26:21

why's your voice like that? I just had a

26:23

plan. Okay clear your throat right now Alright

26:26

now say how much it costs? $50,000 yeah Yeah,

26:30

will you say it like an Asian guy though, please? They

26:35

wouldn't say dollars. Yeah. What would they say? Dala?

26:37

Yeah. Yeah, Dala 50,000 Dala. Thank you 50

26:41

grand that's still that's a lot

26:43

of fucking money dude 50 grand. That's

26:45

a fucking car I know but this is what

26:47

I would do what in 35 grand it says Cat

26:52

for cats. This is what we're gonna do. Hmm.

26:54

We do one speck This is a couple

26:56

months down the road. We do one special

26:58

night at the Irvine improv We

27:01

do two shows on a Sunday you and I and

27:03

this charity all for our dogs did clone one dog

27:06

Okay, I think we can make it up then I Mean

27:09

and then we make we clone it

27:11

so we have people donate during the show not the

27:13

ticket sales But donate no the ticket sales goes toward

27:16

it Okay, so we asked the club for all the

27:18

ticket sales cuz it's gonna go towards the dog the

27:20

cloning of a dog good idea Yeah, I think it's

27:22

a great idea. Are you being sarcastic because sometimes I

27:24

feel like I am. Yeah. Yeah Yeah,

27:26

very much not know very much. So

27:28

very much don't do ergo. Fuck you hospital

27:30

today. Fuck you Even

27:34

if you didn't get it out, it's still as funny Hospitality

27:37

fuck you So

27:39

anyway, yeah, so we were talking something

27:41

before all this rant But let me say this I

27:43

tried to make matchmaker the other night at the comedy

27:45

store Good you could you go from topic to her

27:47

is my mind is brilliant. You are brilliant. Thanks I

27:50

tried to be I tried to play matchmaker at the comedy

27:52

store the other night and dude I thought

27:54

it was good wasn't it didn't seem like it was going good.

27:56

So I had all I had cash in my pocket I offered

27:58

them all the cash my pocket. What's

28:00

matchmaker? What's hospitality?

28:03

What's matchmaker? You're matchmaker, you're trying

28:05

to match two people together. God

28:07

bless. Yeah. Who though? Give

28:09

me that information. People in the audience, I'm getting there.

28:11

Oh, so you're in... anyone listening? They get

28:14

it already. Okay, go ahead. I guarantee they

28:16

get it. Go ahead. Two people in the

28:18

front row, the store, and he was like

28:21

a young, handsome kid. She was a good

28:23

looking chick. And I just looked at him,

28:25

he was wearing like a weird shirt. And

28:28

then I said, who is this

28:30

to you? And he's like, we don't

28:32

know each other. They sat us together. We're single. So I was like, well,

28:35

let's, I mean, let's make love. Let's look,

28:38

find love tonight. Let's see attractive. They both

28:40

were fantastic. He was in the military. Good.

28:45

That face was really funny. No, I just you like this.

28:47

Good. No, don't get it wrong.

28:50

And you're reading it wrong. Am I? Well, then play the

28:52

tape back. No, I'll play the tape back. And you'll see

28:54

this. What branch? That's

28:57

what that face was. That's not what you said. Yeah, say it again.

28:59

He was in the military. What branch? I

29:03

get it. Curious. Marine. Could be a Navy site.

29:05

Marine Corps. Beautiful. And

29:07

I said to her, I said, where do you live? She's Orange

29:09

County. He lives in San Diego. I said, this is right near

29:11

each other. Yeah. And I said, I'll give you the money in

29:13

my pocket to go on a date. Didn't I say this? I

29:16

had a bunch of money in my pocket. I was ready to

29:18

do it. And I said, I'm going to do this

29:20

if you're really genuinely going to go on a date. And she went

29:22

like this. Oh,

29:27

and then they sat next to each other.

29:29

Oh, for the rest of the show. Then

29:33

you read him wrong. No, no, no, no,

29:35

no. He would. Okay. He was

29:38

into it. No, he didn't seem

29:40

like she wasn't. I know you're not. Can I just go

29:42

one quick? Our friend is not on

29:44

camera and she's thumping me up. Yeah. So Stacy, could

29:46

you ask one question? Go ahead. Was he hot? He

29:52

had a great body. Great. Good enough. But he was

29:54

handsome. He wasn't hot. He was a handsome kid and

29:56

she was good looking. By the way, they were in

29:58

the same league. Oh, you know

30:01

about leagues they were both yeah, you know they both were

30:03

a league of my end What

30:05

was on? Yeah

30:10

with you there is crying in baseball Yeah,

30:14

you kind of look like Rosie O'Donnell now that

30:16

I talk about it well don't lead me to

30:18

water you're You're

30:21

the kid from the Sun lot Which

30:23

one the fat one? Oh fuck you we

30:26

bred Harrison kind of wear any lawyer now

30:28

I think he's married to my ex-girlfriend. Oh,

30:30

that's right. Hasn't Patrick Renna, right? Yeah,

30:33

he's killing it No, that's you that looks just like you I'm

30:36

Madonna if we did this again, that'd be you

30:39

and I'd be Madonna. Oh, if you're okay Yeah,

30:42

oh, they do they should do an oceans 11,

30:44

but like reverse and do that with that movie

30:46

and then all men We

30:49

did oceans 11. It was all men nobody did

30:51

a women version of that. Yeah, they did oceans

30:53

What was it 13 or some

30:55

eight oceans eight? Yeah Yeah,

30:57

but they do all male we remake a 2024

31:01

remake of a League of its own but nice switch

31:03

it to men. Okay. Yeah, but

31:05

it make it make a different period seventeen

31:08

hundreds 1734

31:12

whatever we said, you know what you could play some fentanyl in a

31:14

new movie You

31:17

could be you could play Shohei Ohani's Little

31:20

illegal gambling friend that just got in trouble Show a tiny

31:22

place of the Dodgers you got in trouble his buddy got

31:24

in trouble for gambling with his money Mmm, you could play

31:26

him in the movie you do that would be if they

31:28

ever make a movie about that I hope you do. Mmm,

31:30

and do we have any big Asian friends that are like

31:33

6 4 who could play Shohei? Who do

31:35

we know? That's like a tall Asian. Oh I

31:37

know who? Yoming

31:40

not our friend our friend. I know yoming you

31:43

don't fucking know yoming You

31:45

do not look at this. That's him and his buddy got in trouble.

31:47

That's you a hundred percent on the right That

31:50

is fucking that's not me. Yeah, it is.

31:52

That's you if you were in Japan That

31:55

is literally what you would look like if you were Japanese. How did he

31:57

get in trouble? He was gambling a fuckload

31:59

of his money What was the total 45 million? Well,

32:03

he was gambling the baseball players mojos money.

32:05

Yeah Wow now. Here's the real wish away

32:07

drunk. No, no, no Yeah,

32:11

here's the real story Who

32:14

knows whether or not Shohei knew if he was gambling or

32:16

if he was with gambling with him and then this guy

32:19

took The fall Wow. Oh I

32:21

roughly $160,000

32:23

per bet that's so that's insane.

32:27

You know who was going off the road

32:29

You know who was betting like crazy what

32:31

did I talk about this already with the

32:33

Vegas? Brian Baumgartner from the office who played

32:35

Kevin? Mm-hmm Him and a bunch of

32:37

guys were at the high roller table He can gamble that

32:40

motherfucker had stacks and stacks and stacks

32:42

and stacks of chips He can play

32:44

multiple hands, you know doing the quick thing

32:47

Mmm, it was impressive to watch and then I saw that

32:49

and then they were like hey come sit down I was

32:51

like, I'll go find the $20 table. I Wouldn't

32:54

I'm not gonna yeah, what the fuck? Yeah,

32:57

I mean $3,000 like dude

32:59

guys around them were betting three to five thousand a hand No,

33:03

yeah Do

33:05

you make that much money on the office? Yeah, Blake

33:07

Griffin goes those residuals must have been Yeah,

33:11

I mean Yeah, he must have

33:13

I mean if he was a showrunner I think maybe

33:15

but it's like that's a lot of fucking money, dude

33:17

Yeah, five grand a hand as well But also maybe

33:20

he's that's his shit gambling might be his thing But

33:22

if he's good at it and he was a profit

33:24

and what it was then that's the thing He was

33:26

killing it. I guess if I go to fifty three

33:28

hundred. I'm out. I go to bed $300.

33:31

Yeah, I've seen you. I saw you win one time.

33:33

You won a hundred dollars on a on a slot

33:35

Yeah, and that made your whole weekend. I know I

33:37

might I'm out I mean you're gonna

33:39

lose in the longest we could get a jolly rancher when I'm

33:41

gonna sleep, you know Yeah,

33:44

yeah, look at his head so

33:46

you saw him yeah, he played in the golf tournament

33:49

that we played he nice great guy Yeah, yeah, great

33:51

guy. Yeah, great guy great gambler Everybody

33:53

was not met a couple of

33:55

people from that show. I've never met

33:58

Steve Carell. Have you I've never met I've

34:00

been introduced to him one time to say hello, but you know

34:02

what I mean one of those like hey Steve This is I've

34:04

never even seen him in the flash That's

34:06

cuz he I've never seen ever see I've never seen Will

34:08

Ferrell in the flash. I've seen him in the flesh. I

34:11

used to coach Kid

34:13

soccer and his kids would come to my room. Yeah,

34:15

and he would come and I was so on

34:17

my little squad was Ryan Philippe's

34:20

kid with What's

34:23

her name what's wrong with me? Yeah Reese Witherspoon Wow

34:25

their kid used to be in that too Do you

34:27

see Ron go ahead? Mr. Philip Philippe? No, I didn't

34:30

say fucking worse. Oh, you're quiet. They're to my shoes

34:32

I know don't you I've been I've been there I

34:34

just didn't want that cuz I was a young nobody

34:36

actor and I didn't want to be like who I'm

34:38

trying to be And I didn't write there. It's especially

34:40

cuz he's hot as fuck. What do you know about

34:42

soccer though? They're fucking

34:45

children Kick it run

34:47

go go. No, no, no, there's like tactics

34:50

Not when there's a your defensive midfielder.

34:52

You're five what they're five They

34:55

throw the ball right back help out an

34:57

attack, but then you fall back left Yeah,

34:59

what what do you do the goalie you

35:02

know shit the goalie would be yelling the

35:04

goalie would be eating She

35:06

would just be put down a sandwich All

35:09

right, Oh women girls mixed. It was my

35:11

boys and girls doesn't make no sense The

35:14

fuck are you talking about? Have you

35:17

ever seen kids play sports? No,

35:19

five-year-old kids. They throw them all together. They let them

35:21

go. I used to be a lifeguard It's just kids

35:23

in the pool. You need a few of them die.

35:25

That's why yeah, big deal. That's why I don't

35:27

have kids That's not why It's

35:30

because you like anal. I Told

35:33

you you can't make kids in the pooper. I've told you that like a

35:36

hundred times You have too much sex with girls in the butt. I've never

35:38

hair go Yeah,

35:40

okay. Wow, you're using it in

35:42

a sentence. Say thank you So we keep doing

35:44

it do it three more times throughout the rest

35:46

of the podcast and they'll learn it's a beautiful

35:48

thing but but but what I'm saying

35:51

is is that how Oh

35:57

What I'm asking you is if I have a child

36:00

okay little yeah you

36:03

know what I'm gonna be the best dad imaginable okay

36:08

we quit doing that what I'm sorry I didn't know

36:10

what that means like like you're praying that he's gonna

36:12

be alive or what is this I have an itch

36:14

I'm itching my oh that I hope he's a nervous

36:16

dick okay if I have a child

36:18

and my son goes my son goes papa I

36:26

go don't call me that already

36:29

well already weird why are you being mean to

36:31

the kid he's just saying I want poppy I'm

36:33

the kid Papa yes go

36:35

Gil Troy why

36:38

did you name me well

36:41

I don't know Shane Gillis half right

36:43

hmm and Troy Duffy he's a director

36:45

love yeah so where's mama

36:48

mama she's in Hawaii

36:51

let's me leave it at

36:53

that he's

36:55

somewhere in Hawaii let's leave it at that

36:57

son yeah Gil Troy are you ever gonna

37:00

get me another mama no

37:02

yes because some of the whores you bring over

37:04

our Carlos is not a whore and they off

37:06

Carlos and they offer me Carrera is on a

37:08

plane and I'm second Carlos offers you cocaine that's

37:11

all you I could never have my as a

37:13

babysitter okay but I would look at you Gil

37:15

Troy and say ask me if you

37:17

want to play soccer can I eat you guys

37:19

play soccer Papa poppy

37:22

but Papa's fine puppy

37:24

okay may I play soccer son

37:27

let me tell you something yes you

37:30

like yeah he's such a

37:32

sweetheart no no be nice to him this kid

37:35

oh it's your it's my

37:39

kid my kid wouldn't go yes sir all

37:41

right ready yeah I'll be your kid ready

37:43

all right Papa yeah

37:46

Gil Troy I'm playing soccer this weekend okay

37:48

you you may I know I may you

37:51

have to take me so to relax calm down

37:53

no shut up I want to roll

37:55

up I want sliced up fruit and you know what I

37:57

want yeah we just fish only the red one okay First

38:00

of all look at the cabinet look

38:02

at the storage cabinet in the kitchen right we got

38:04

every flavor of fish fry fish Right

38:07

all the way you mentioned there's a hair

38:09

roll out all of it. You know what

38:11

Papa what you'll no hospitality in this home

38:14

Yeah, you don't even know that worry. We're not

38:16

doctors air go fuck you dad. Yeah, we're

38:18

not in Star Trek All

38:22

right, so you're right maybe

38:24

I shouldn't have one no not after that experience.

38:26

Holy shit You know

38:28

what you can have your son you are my

38:30

little son. No, let me do it. Hey

38:33

buddy Yeah,

38:36

what's going on it burns

38:40

what burns little guy? My

38:43

heart your heart burns what is

38:45

it in the left long area? Oh

38:47

wow, that's pretty specific. Yeah, it's a good

38:49

painting Oh,

38:52

it hurts. Are you having a heart attack? Oh Oh,

38:55

you said some gas. Yeah Right

39:00

you're funny. I'm good. Ah, and then I go in

39:02

the other room. Yeah, my wife. Yeah, we

39:04

got to return that That

39:06

Chinese kid be adopted. We gotta get rid of that

39:08

guy. It's not working out It

39:11

feels like he's Bobby Yeah

39:14

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39:18

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39:20

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39:22

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39:27

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for sponsoring the podcast Would you what's wrong with

40:49

the kid soccer thing that you were hung up

40:51

on? They've yeah, they play multi-unit Here's what

40:53

I'm hung up about okay, okay, so it's

40:55

like my son would know right my son

40:57

is raised knowing

40:59

the arsenal code Guner

41:02

code you had the guner code. Okay, he would know

41:04

about the Emirates. He would know about our Ted He

41:07

would know about the players formations. What

41:09

art what you first of all arsenals

41:12

like Barcelona were Tiki tech Tiki

41:15

tech football pass. That's that's that's what

41:17

does it have to do with kids playing with other

41:19

kids? What I'm saying is my son if he's gonna

41:21

play anything He's

41:23

we're gonna bring him to he's got to be good, but

41:26

at five years old. He's just gonna be thrown on the field He's

41:28

not gonna be a prodigy because let me say something Bakaya

41:30

soccer was from the Arsenal

41:33

youth Academy. He was 11 when they found

41:35

him So he started at five.

41:37

Yeah, but at five you can see he was a

41:39

miracle. You're a miracle. All right. I'm

41:41

sorry Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. I mean, that's a

41:43

compliment. I think my fight But like I want my

41:45

kid to be the best at whatever he does But

41:48

you don't want him to play soccer with other people. I Would

41:51

call around also DNA has something to do

41:53

with that. Yeah, it's gotta come from you.

41:56

God. It's you know You

41:58

know, it's it's funny It's

42:01

funny, you know by you saying DNA is

42:03

basically saying you're fat, Poppy. No.

42:05

No, that's what you're saying You

42:07

your fat sloth like lazy creature.

42:09

You mean who barely see you

42:11

don't even walk you slither. Holy

42:13

shit You

42:19

slither like a snail you fucking abomination

42:22

and let me say something I

42:24

come from Everyone listen here

42:27

now good stock Real good

42:29

stock. My dad was very athletic. My

42:31

brother's athletic Was

42:33

ranked number three in the four in the nation

42:35

as a wrestler. My brother was in

42:37

high school Google that No, don't look Google

42:39

it. I just made that up. Mm-hmm. Don't do this.

42:42

Well, don't do that. Don't do facts Don't do not

42:44

facts. We're a comedy this I make shit up all

42:46

the time Yeah, but you're taking the stances if you're

42:48

being serious. That's true. All right So what I'm saying

42:50

is I want my

42:53

kid just I would call around LA

42:55

County and what's the best? Young

42:57

male soccer league and

42:59

you get him in that and I would see if he

43:01

was a if he if he doesn't

43:03

have the Skills or the ability then I would go like

43:06

all let's just go to the local place. What if your

43:08

dad? Let's say what

43:10

say let's say your kid says to you Papa

43:15

Gilroy I Don't

43:18

want to play soccer Okay. Well,

43:20

what do you want to do? I want

43:22

to be a cheerleader. I Want

43:25

to I want to be a male cheerleader? Okay,

43:28

um Gilroy. Yeah room for a second.

43:30

Okay. Okay and

43:33

then what I mean on my couch and Hey

43:44

Papa, can I come in Gilroy? Come on

43:46

in. All right. I come. Oh my god.

43:48

What's up with the glitter? You

43:51

want some? Anyway

43:56

Anyway, just get to somebody unicorns in this room

44:00

Look at all the pictures of the boys on my wall.

44:02

Those are all cheerleader boys. Ahhh.

44:05

Okay, you wanna be a cheerleader? Mmhmm. Okay.

44:09

Uh. I'll make some phone calls. Thanks, Papa. And

44:11

then call Justin Martindale. I don't know where to

44:13

go. Like I would call a gay friend

44:15

that I don't know, I don't know where to go. I

44:18

would call Fortune Fiamster. Yeah. Yeah, Fortune,

44:20

you know anything about cheerleading? No. Oh,

44:23

hell no. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. No. Yeah.

44:26

What would you, like, what if- Daddy? Yes,

44:29

yes, son. Yes,

44:31

Marcus. Thank you for

44:33

calling me, Marcus. Oh, you got it, kiddo.

44:35

Now we've born. What do you want, Marcus?

44:37

I'm not done talking. Why you always interrupt me? Marcus, speed

44:40

it up. Daddy,

44:43

I just wanna be able to express myself and get

44:45

it out. What do you wanna do? Anyway,

44:48

Daddy. Yeah, Marcus. You know,

44:50

I just, I really like killing

44:53

small things. Like,

44:56

I go in the forest and I see a little squirrel

44:58

and I take shoes and I'm like, I don't have to

45:00

chop his head off while it's alive because I can see

45:02

it wiggle in my hand, you know what I mean? And

45:04

then I just, like, squeeze it and I drink the blah

45:06

blah blah blah, I love it so much. And I like

45:08

to spit the bubble out the bones. I

45:10

like the bones of your little creature's daddy and

45:13

I like to make little skeletal creatures out

45:15

of them myself and rather I destroy them myself,

45:17

you know? Hello, it's- it's

45:19

House Satan, Daddy House Satan. Go

45:22

to your room. Okay,

45:25

Daddy. You

45:28

mean my coven? Go to your coven.

45:30

I'll go to my coven, alright? Then I'm gonna

45:32

go inside my little fucking- And

45:36

then you go to your room and then I

45:38

go lay in bed with my wife, your mom. Yeah.

45:41

And then I turned- Oh, you're gonna go lay in bed with the s***

45:43

again? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What would you do? She's

45:45

reading a book. Yeah, yeah. I

45:48

turned her and I say, I think we got a winner on our-

45:54

Really? Wow. Because

45:57

sometimes- sometimes you can't control it. I've seen

45:59

it on- on TikTok. You

46:01

can't control what your kids do? Yeah, you

46:03

can't control no matter how good you are

46:05

as a person, no matter

46:07

what values and ethics that you

46:10

relate to them, right? Sometimes

46:14

God gives you cray cray. Sometimes God

46:16

makes a serial killer. Right.

46:18

Someone had, it had to come from something. Well,

46:20

speaking of which, we have somebody here who will

46:22

introduce our guests here. One second, we just had

46:24

our guests walk in the room, put on your

46:27

headphones. If you want to head to headphones, you can have

46:29

them. Do you want headphones or no? They're

46:31

right there on the, yeah, usually.

46:33

Yeah. Okay. Introduce yourself to our

46:35

audience. If you don't mind. I'm

46:37

Dax flame and I'm a YouTuber

46:40

and, and I'm happy

46:43

to be here. And yeah, I

46:45

think you guys are, you're very

46:47

funny and you're very funny and I think you'll have

46:49

awesome chemistry and thanks for inviting

46:51

me. I love this guy. Dax. I fucking love

46:53

you. I've never had, I saw you on the

46:55

internet and I was like, I got, we have

46:57

to have that guy on the show. Okay, cool.

46:59

Where are you from? Texas. What part? Yeah.

47:02

A suburb of Dallas.

47:04

Do you miss Texas? No. Okay.

47:06

Is everything bigger? No.

47:10

Yeah. So let

47:12

me, can I ask you something? Are you seeing somebody? No.

47:14

So you, you're an actor too, right? Yes.

47:17

I haven't acted anything for a bit. Well, actually I,

47:19

my friend makes movies on YouTube and stuff, Joel Haver.

47:21

And so I've been in those, but

47:23

haven't done any Hollywood movies for a bit. I was in

47:25

project X, which was filmed right down the street from here

47:28

a long time ago. So I was past seeing that as

47:30

I came up. I don't want to talk. Did I give

47:32

you trauma? No. No.

47:35

That wasn't a bad experience for you. You

47:37

say like you went by it, like it was a negative

47:39

thing. It was a good thing, right? Oh, I went by

47:41

where they shot it. Yeah. But it didn't make you feel

47:43

some, did it make you feel something? No.

47:46

Nothing at all. We the star of the movie. I'm

47:51

the cameraman. Like, so it's like a found footage

47:53

movie. All right. Right. So yeah, I'm like the

47:55

guy who's filming everything. So you see me some,

47:57

some people say that I'm like, Oh, there you

47:59

are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, are

48:02

you young then? Yeah, that was when

48:04

I was 18 18 you came out here from Texas

48:06

to act Yeah, yes, you always

48:08

wanted to be an actor your whole life. No. No,

48:11

what was the what was the impetus doing YouTube

48:13

videos? That

48:16

made you go I want to be an actor yes, and then

48:18

you did that then you did 21 Jump Street and 22 Yes,

48:21

yes, how was that? Awesome.

48:23

Does anybody on those movies that you didn't like that you didn't

48:25

get along with? Not

48:28

one person on there you didn't get along with but

48:31

what happens you do 21 22, right? You

48:33

do you know, I mean that X right and

48:36

then you did you stop going on audition? Did you

48:38

do not want to do it anymore? Well, they want

48:40

to just it slowed down It

48:42

slowed down for a while and then

48:44

I just didn't get any more movies And

48:47

so then I was working at an ice cream

48:49

shop in a sushi place for a bit Yeah,

48:51

then have just been doing YouTube since the pandemic

48:53

Yeah, and then now I've been doing some like

48:55

tick-tock and Instagram reels to where

48:58

I kind of stopped talking about those movies online

49:00

Oh my god. Oh, no Just

49:03

on my own tick-tock. Oh, I see. Yeah.

49:06

Okay. The rumor is you

49:08

called Channing Tatum a bitch That's

49:12

not true Or

49:15

no, that's not true No,

49:17

I don't know who spread that around but man Yeah,

49:21

that's a bad rumor. Well,

49:23

you close Channing a bit Channing Tatum

49:25

Channing Channing a Bitch

49:28

ass ho you call bitch. I saw No,

49:31

he didn't do any of the any good Good

49:33

was the ice cream shop you worked at it

49:36

was called ample Hills. They're closed down Mmm ample Hill

49:38

if I walked in there like and I came up

49:40

to you at the you were the

49:42

register guy Yes, I would scoop and

49:44

then ring people. Okay, let's play that I come

49:46

in. Okay. Cool ice cream store Would

49:49

you like any samples? I'm not up at the counter

49:51

yet, but Hi,

49:54

um the ice cream store, yes.

49:56

Oh cool. Hey We

50:00

went 21 job straight? Yeah, nice to meet you. Nice

50:03

to meet you. Wow, you're working at an ice cream

50:05

store. This is crazy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What's

50:08

wrong? Nothing. Okay. Something's going to

50:10

happen. Anyway. Hi, are you going to order? Yeah,

50:12

I'd like to order. I know there's a line.

50:15

Sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I just would

50:17

like to order. Is there a way I can get

50:19

maybe a selfie with you? Uh, yeah, of course. But

50:21

let's order. What do you recommend? Oh

50:23

my god, it's ice cream. Fucking get

50:26

something. There's a line. Ma'am, ma'am.

50:28

I've never been at this ice cream store and I

50:30

don't know. I don't want to just get vanilla. And

50:33

he's also a fucking celebrity. So just be a part.

50:35

I heard he's in a Project XXX movie or something

50:37

gross. Just take the photo. Get the ice cream and

50:39

go. Anyway, what flavor do you recommend? I'm sorry, this

50:41

lady behind me. I'll recommend. You know these

50:44

Karen. Ooey gooey butter cake. And you know what? I'll give

50:46

you all both a free super bite. That was my nickname in

50:48

high school. Ooey ooey good butter cake.

50:51

I'll take one of those. Okay. And it's on me

50:53

today. Really? Thank you. What

50:56

are you doing after work? Sorry ma'am, hold on. Just

50:58

going home. Oh, you want to hang out? Smoke

51:00

some weed? I don't smoke, but sure

51:02

I'll hang out with you. Are you Bobby Lee? Yeah.

51:05

I am. You know my work?

51:09

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, cool. So

51:12

what time do you get off? Seven.

51:14

Seven? It's fucking three. I'll

51:16

wait. Okay. Four hours.

51:19

Can I order please? Yeah, go ahead bitch. God.

51:22

Hi. Hello. I

51:24

want to try one of everything. I'm

51:30

curious because I'm fascinated by you. We saw you on the

51:32

internet. We were all talking about you. Carlos was saying how

51:34

much he loves you. You

51:39

did have like a run of film and this is

51:41

like a real thing in Hollywood. Do

51:44

you think work

51:47

slowed down because you didn't

51:50

really want to keep going as much or did

51:52

it just kind of the organic? I definitely wanted

51:54

to. You did? Yeah. Oh,

51:58

I want to work with you. Okay. I want

52:00

to work with you on something because I think

52:02

you're fucking good at a good actor. Nice. Nice

52:04

guy I just don't like the way that the

52:06

thing happens all the time because for us We've

52:08

all had you know, it goes up and down

52:10

and up and down But it's fascinating

52:12

how like you've done much larger

52:15

movies than either of us have had have done. That's

52:17

true One hundred percent 21 jump shoot is

52:19

a fucking massive. Now. Did you see residuals that were

52:21

good from that for a long time? Yeah, that's what

52:23

I lived off of until I was working at the

52:25

ice cream shop. Hmm Wow Did that hurt though? But

52:28

like a like in your mind you're like I

52:30

was in movies and I mean, I don't know Oh

52:32

does that was did that go through your mind or? well

52:36

first I did a food delivery job and

52:38

then I was kind of like I was

52:41

kind of feeling like okay, yeah, I was I Used

52:44

to be in movies and I'm doing a food delivery job

52:46

Is does that like mean anything and then

52:48

I was once I was working at the ice cream shop

52:50

I no longer had that mindset. Yeah

52:52

that but that went right by ya. Yeah. Yeah I

52:55

had an awesome Assistant

52:59

manager there Stacy shout

53:01

out to Stacy where our dice can play

53:03

and good co-workers. Oh, wow

53:05

I love your soul. I love your soul and

53:08

then one day it just closed and you were

53:10

bombed probably, huh? No, I hated it.

53:12

I hated the shop. Oh You

53:17

loved everyone you worked with Yeah,

53:20

you love the customers. Yeah. Yeah, I

53:22

don't get a promotion I had a lot

53:25

of frustration by the time it closed. They're cutting my hours

53:28

Sorry to Ample

53:31

Hills if that's still a place like it can

53:33

I start in New York? Don't

53:35

be sorry to them. Yeah. Yeah, they fucked a what you

53:37

feel about ample hills. They're very delicious I

53:40

have very delicious ice cream check it out, but go go

53:42

glad let's go a corporate go ahead But I didn't enjoy

53:45

working there and get get your fuck.

53:47

Fuck you. Go go. Yeah. Yeah. No, I hit

53:49

it out I hated it. Yeah, and Get

53:52

into it get into it again. I'm the

53:55

CEO when it will well hello. My name

53:57

is Bill Gilbert Gil Troy

54:00

Bill Lampert. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he just screwed you. Yeah. Yeah.

54:02

He just said it do it again to him hit him

54:04

hard screw you Oh, wow, you screwed

54:06

me. I employed you and

54:09

by the way 21 jumpsuit sucks You're

54:13

gonna let him say that stuff to you.

54:15

I'm your little your little punk. I'm stay.

54:17

I'm a CEO Don't ever talk

54:19

to me like that. What are you gonna do about it?

54:22

You little punk your ice your shop went out

54:24

of business. You were bad bad business Maybe

54:26

you're succeeding in New York, but

54:28

you failed here. Oh Look

54:32

at this fucking guy. Fuck you little

54:34

white punk Little bitch

54:36

punk. You're never gonna work again. What

54:39

do you what else you got to say? No,

54:44

nothing Wow,

54:46

you gotta fight. Okay. Okay, you gotta

54:48

fucking fight man. Screw you. I hate

54:51

you and ooh Oh Let's

54:55

see, you're a mongoloid dude in the middle of

54:57

a fight to say let's see is maybe the

54:59

funniest thing I know You know

55:01

what? I fuck you. You're a nice guy. See,

55:03

thank you. Yeah. Yeah, you're such a sweet soul

55:06

What do you do on your channel on

55:08

YouTube? I am trying to figure out what to do so

55:11

I've just been trying to make new show ideas

55:13

and And

55:15

on tick-tock I've done doing lots of a giveaway

55:18

I've been through it. I actually tried to

55:20

stand up comedy for the first stand up for the

55:22

second time I

55:24

did one other open mic before This

55:27

is great. Just put put put spots on this one

55:29

John John so high. He's believing it while we're fucking

55:31

chatting All right. So here we go. Gotta get our

55:33

old guys. Here we go. Okay, you

55:35

introduce them. You're the host of a comic club Well,

55:38

hey guys, that's my time this next comic

55:41

Unbelievable such a funny. Did you see them

55:43

such movies as 21 jump 20 jump dude

55:45

a 22 jump Street project X So fucking

55:48

funny Texas zone Dax flame Hello,

55:53

thanks for having me. Um, so you want me to do

55:55

some jokes? This

56:04

is the, this is, these are the jokes I did at

56:06

the comedy place. We're

56:09

doing this. We're the audience. Thanks for

56:11

having me. I hope you're doing great. So

56:15

do you ever have a

56:17

social interaction you wish, you

56:19

wish you went different, that went, that you wish

56:21

went differently? So for example, the other day

56:24

I was in line at a grocery store and a guy said I could

56:26

like go ahead. Basically I was in

56:28

this line, the guy said go ahead and I said

56:30

like something to him that he didn't realize like that

56:32

was a joke. So I was like, okay,

56:34

that just happened. And

56:37

then if I had a

56:40

genie, if I had a

56:42

genie, all my wishes

56:44

would have been used on things like that long ago. Speaking

56:47

of genies, how do

56:49

those lamps work? Is there like a

56:52

giant room in there? Is it just a

56:54

sleep until it's rubbed or whatever? This

56:58

is good. This is so good. And

57:01

then my

57:04

ex girlfriend, okay, my

57:06

ex girlfriend used to get headaches a lot. Not

57:09

my fault, I promise. And

57:13

that the whenever she would get them, she

57:16

would get really mad at me because I'd be like, let's

57:22

see. Don't

57:24

worry, it's only in your head. And she'd be like, no, I really

57:26

have a headache. And I'd be like, no, literally, it's just in your

57:28

head. And

57:32

then I had

57:34

this joke kind of. Let's

57:36

not give away all the gold. Okay. I want

57:38

because we are going to have you on a show. Yeah, we're going to have you got

57:40

to come on a show. Yeah. Can

57:43

I can I there you go. With Mr. Flame here real

57:46

quick. Yeah. Yeah. All

57:48

right. So so this is what we're going to do.

57:50

It's like we're gonna do a stand up on the spot. Okay. Don't

57:55

even think about it. Okay. You just

57:57

riff about it, right? My mind goes blank when I try to do that,

57:59

but I will try. The get even you know

58:01

it in an Improv is only. Yes, there's

58:03

no no afraid of that right? Or it's

58:05

a here we go. Beef Brisket Go ahead.

58:08

Beef. Brisket, Is. One of those

58:10

popular things about. Barbecue dishes from and

58:13

I'm from Texas so. Had. People

58:15

liked either, but I never liked barbecue. So.

58:25

Good good of to an really

58:27

got really got where where. What?

58:31

Do you do? If

58:33

I may. Yeah, I'm a financial analyst.

58:38

May thing about that. Okay,

58:44

I don't a physicist. But.

58:46

My wife my wife works in a yeah

58:49

she works at a cemetery right? They've seen

58:51

a girl doesn't ball Mia she doesn't on.

58:53

I would you think about that a thought.

58:55

There's gotta be a lot of hundred commedia

58:57

a lower a cemetery. My grandfather's buried there

59:00

on you things you seem their ah. What's.

59:02

The funny thing you've seen at a subset

59:04

on the on where everything I've seen as

59:06

a summer day as way funnier than your

59:08

apps are either moves as the crowd you

59:10

third. Love Burn. How

59:13

do you own a

59:15

heckler? Who are

59:17

you asking us or how?

59:20

Ah, since a somebody follows

59:22

you have. Half

59:24

a million. Yeah, five hundred thousand. And now because the

59:26

past two months have been really good I hope it

59:28

keeps. Fucking girl who goes to ya think really like

59:30

you man I don't know what about your eyes? You

59:32

catch me good I think it know I mean that

59:34

a good thing. Oh yeah yeah what you mean it's

59:36

a great thing know there's something going on with your

59:38

own answer. Can I buy. My.

59:41

Sisters of. There's. A

59:43

sadness? Okay, no.

59:47

Office I may I go here know you do whatever you want

59:49

but I like are get a little I like you do To

59:51

let me to say this before I ever say when when a

59:53

set. I. Like a lot, Dax and

59:55

I think that. Your. Tell the guy

59:57

and I'm just happy to. Be. A Pleasure Zones.

1:00:00

Okay, so

1:00:02

that well, it's a pleasure to meet

1:00:04

you that pleasure to be here. Okay, that's how old

1:00:06

you 32 what's your biological

1:00:08

name? What's your what's your birth name?

1:00:11

Well, I don't most people don't know my first name

1:00:13

Oh, and I'm reluctant to say it

1:00:15

because like what if people like find my address or

1:00:18

whatever? Ah But people know

1:00:20

my middle name, which is Madison.

1:00:22

Hmm. Oh, I like Madison. Thanks, but your

1:00:24

eyes. Oh, yes May go back to the

1:00:26

eyes. Yeah I mean

1:00:28

god, I want to know your first name. So fuck me too. I

1:00:30

think we'll guess Well,

1:00:33

if we get it, we would you say could I show

1:00:35

you my ID and then you don't yeah We won't reveal

1:00:37

it on the show. Yeah, we would never do that. That's

1:00:39

fucking awesome. Yeah Do you have not

1:00:42

you don't have a wallet just throw it to me? There's

1:00:44

no cameras will not know what there's no Well, guys won't

1:00:46

do anything bad. You know, okay, we should buy him a

1:00:48

wallet. Maybe we get him a wallet We got your wallet.

1:00:50

Oh, wow That's not

1:00:53

what I thought. Let me see. That's interesting. That's wild What

1:00:57

are you Yeah,

1:01:00

I mean it's like it's almost like a

1:01:02

puzzle so Is

1:01:04

your what's your middle name James young

1:01:07

young? Yeah. Yeah. Cool. What's where how did you

1:01:09

get this name? Um, I

1:01:12

think it was last time might have been like

1:01:14

a great grandpa or something. I'm not sure. Are

1:01:16

you Italian? I don't know.

1:01:18

Well, I took a DNA test. What did

1:01:20

say them a lot of things? Yeah. Okay.

1:01:22

Yeah. Are you black? No

1:01:25

Korean are you Korean? No, no

1:01:27

Asian Jewish oh

1:01:30

that was on there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you proud of

1:01:32

that? Yeah Happy

1:01:34

Passover I know one

1:01:36

I know celebrates I mean like

1:01:38

friends do but like no one no I didn't

1:01:41

grow up with any celebrating about or anything So

1:01:43

you're against Jewish holidays? No, no No,

1:01:46

I just don't have never done

1:01:48

that. You don't like them. You don't participate even though

1:01:50

it's your heritage You

1:01:52

sure? Yes. Okay. What's your favorite one? That's

1:01:56

your favorite one and you didn't celebrate

1:01:58

even though it's your favorite No,

1:02:00

or Hanukkah, yeah. Hanukkah's better.

1:02:04

I don't know, actually. So you don't make

1:02:06

a mockery of it? It sounds like you're

1:02:09

mocking it. Unintentionally. If so. If I am,

1:02:11

I'm sorry. Fine. Well, she's Jewish.

1:02:13

I would apologize to her if anything, yeah. Is that

1:02:15

a sentence? What I said? Oh,

1:02:18

sorry. I mean, I feel

1:02:20

like you're making a mockery. I mean, you spit on her

1:02:22

dreidel. It's

1:02:24

verbally spitting on the dreidel, is what you did.

1:02:26

I see, I see. Do

1:02:30

you think all people are equal? Yeah.

1:02:33

I don't buy that when you say that. In

1:02:36

fact, let me throw you this back. Here,

1:02:38

let me see. Ready? Let's

1:02:41

do a little... Nobody

1:02:44

thought that was going to happen, by the way. Nobody

1:02:46

in here thought we were going to make that work, and we

1:02:48

fucking did. We connect on a different level. Thank

1:02:51

you. Let's get into your dating life. So when's the last

1:02:53

time you've been with somebody? That's

1:02:55

a little forward. Let me rephrase that. Yeah,

1:02:57

please. He's new. I'm so sorry. You're

1:03:00

a new friend of ours. Oh, you know what? Excuse me. And you know what?

1:03:02

Let me say this. I'm so sorry. When you're in this

1:03:04

room, you're a bad friend family. You're a friend

1:03:06

of ours, really. Thank you. Thank you. We don't want you

1:03:08

to feel... Just relax. And also, if you want anything cut

1:03:10

out, we'll cut it out. So feel free. Seriously. We're

1:03:13

not a Gotcha podcast. So if

1:03:15

you came out to us and said, hey, guys, I don't want

1:03:18

that part in there. Like, the Jewish part, for instance.

1:03:21

Then we would cut it out. Do you want us to cut

1:03:23

that out? Was that uncomfortable? If you think it was bad, I...

1:03:25

What do you think is bad? I didn't... I don't

1:03:27

know. No, no, no. Don't look at

1:03:29

the Jew. Yeah, don't look at the Jew. Cut that

1:03:31

out. That's even worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't cut that

1:03:34

out. Okay, just because she said it was... All right,

1:03:36

so when's the last time you had a girlfriend? No.

1:03:40

I've had one girlfriend. In your whole life. And

1:03:42

whenever I did that stand-up joke about my ex-girlfriend, that

1:03:44

was a hypothetical. I'm going to say this to our

1:03:46

fans. If there is a nice

1:03:48

woman here in Los Angeles who's interested in

1:03:51

our boy, please set up the

1:03:54

pod, because we'd love to set you up on a date. I think...

1:03:56

I really like your energy. I think you're smart, and you're sweet, and

1:03:58

you're cool. And for some reason...

1:04:00

something in my world wants

1:04:02

to know you, help you, work with you. I

1:04:04

don't know what it is, but I like you

1:04:06

a lot. You know him and I have some

1:04:08

projects. Okay, awesome. Are

1:04:10

you excited about them? Really?

1:04:13

No, not for all of them. No,

1:04:15

this one is great. Cool. Yeah.

1:04:18

This one's fun. But we will keep an open mind and have

1:04:21

you in our thoughts. I'll put you in something. That's

1:04:23

what I meant to say. Okay. Well,

1:04:25

you're saying it like a CEO. Well, I'm saying it like,

1:04:27

we'll put a pin in any of them. Oh,

1:04:30

like a studio. I go, we'll put a pin in any of them. Did

1:04:32

you ever get close for a role and you didn't get it that you

1:04:34

really wanted? Yes. What

1:04:36

was it? We're the Millers. Oh, and be that

1:04:38

kid, huh? Yes. And then this

1:04:41

Ryan Gosling movie, his directorial debut. And

1:04:43

then- You got close on both of these. And the

1:04:46

watch. I was the runner up for all of

1:04:48

those. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

1:04:50

That's the story of our lives, huh? Yeah. Runner

1:04:53

up. Yes. Yeah. No.

1:04:56

No. Do you have someone that's going to send you out or no?

1:05:00

No, I haven't

1:05:02

gotten an audition offer

1:05:04

in like four years or so. Why?

1:05:08

Why? I need to fix, I want to fix it.

1:05:10

I need to fix it. I don't believe in it. I want to

1:05:12

fix, I want to fix. I need to fix. I want to fix.

1:05:14

I need to fix you. I need to fix you. I

1:05:17

need to fix you. What is broken with you. I need

1:05:19

to fix what is broken with you. I

1:05:21

need to fix what is broken with you.

1:05:25

What do you think? That was good.

1:05:28

Thank you. You want to

1:05:30

get them on the song? I need

1:05:32

to fix, I need to fix what is broken

1:05:34

with you. I need to fix, I need to

1:05:36

fix what is broken with you. What

1:05:39

is wrong with you? Yes, yes. Melodically.

1:05:41

I need to fix, I need to fix

1:05:43

what is broken with you. I need to

1:05:45

fix. Yeah. Very good, dude.

1:05:48

Very good. I mean, a

1:05:50

musical thing could be something

1:05:53

that we could do together. I know I

1:05:55

have an inkling you don't like to hug.

1:05:59

Like if I came up and gave you. a hug you wouldn't like it no

1:06:03

yeah no why well it's I

1:06:05

it's fine actually if I yeah it's it's fine

1:06:07

but maybe like I'm telling you I'm gonna give

1:06:10

you a hug I'll believe well in the what

1:06:12

could I also in the Italian culture right when

1:06:14

you when you meet somebody for the first time

1:06:16

it's got to be a 10-second hug or it

1:06:18

doesn't mean anything okay we're supposed to kiss on

1:06:20

the cheeks yeah in Korea

1:06:22

we kiss on the lips sometimes with tongue but

1:06:24

that's you know depending yeah yeah

1:06:27

on 100 South Korean kisses on

1:06:29

the mouth North Korean does tongue

1:06:31

yeah you're lucky he's from South

1:06:33

yeah if you have a tongue doesn't they chop it off if

1:06:36

you kiss the wrong you know that you anything about North Korea just

1:06:40

not much it's a

1:06:42

fair answer it is a fair

1:06:44

answer are you on the apps which

1:06:47

one dating apps I yeah

1:06:49

hinge hinge is

1:06:51

it working I don't

1:06:53

use it enough like

1:06:55

I don't mess message or swipe but

1:06:58

I know it works you know yeah you have to do that like

1:07:00

we turn on the car you have an engine

1:07:02

ban through many of apps have you been banned

1:07:04

from a dating app no he has why

1:07:06

did you get banned three of them why lied

1:07:09

about his age why lied

1:07:12

about his age how how

1:07:14

am I actually think 40

1:07:20

40 45 45 okay hey 50 yeah okay 52 52

1:07:22

okay awesome how tall do you think he is

1:07:29

because he lied he's like 36 I watched

1:07:32

something yesterday where you said five three and

1:07:34

a half that's right okay so

1:07:36

before you came here you kind of looked

1:07:42

at familiarize yeah yeah had

1:07:44

you ever seen the show prior not the

1:07:46

show but I've seen y'all clips yeah yeah

1:07:49

did you know of us outside

1:07:51

of this show yeah my friend Lisa

1:07:53

Nova well I haven't talked to her in a long

1:07:55

time I love her she was on my TV yeah

1:07:57

I know I know Lisa very well I

1:07:59

knew her for Back in the day Wow Disappeared

1:08:03

oh, yeah, I haven't kept it in New York, but

1:08:05

I ran into she made she made much

1:08:08

much of money Yeah, I left she was

1:08:10

on a you choose a youtuber, right? She started maker

1:08:12

and then sold it to Disney for like 500 600

1:08:15

million dollars. That's good That's a lot of money. I miss

1:08:17

it's a lot of money you when you ran

1:08:19

into her you think maybe Lisa Donovan. Yes. Yes.

1:08:21

Yeah, so So

1:08:23

yeah, I'd seen I had you're familiar with me. You

1:08:25

don't know who I am Yes,

1:08:28

I do know who you are. Give me a couple of things you've

1:08:30

done This is weird. Fine.

1:08:32

We can cut it out. It's weird, but

1:08:34

I want him to answer me with a Ricky

1:08:36

Stineke. Yeah Yeah Yeah,

1:08:39

what's it again? He said Santini. I

1:08:41

love it Ricky Santini I'll

1:08:45

have it. Give me that give me something

1:08:47

else but then Like

1:08:52

just lots of awesome clips, yeah I

1:08:57

love you. You know what you just endear

1:08:59

yourself to me. Do y'all have a rivalry?

1:09:01

No, we don't know It's great Bob. He's

1:09:03

created a fake fantasy Bobby's

1:09:06

riding off of mad TV for a long

1:09:08

time. It's an awesome Credit

1:09:11

it was yeah, God bless you. I Do

1:09:15

something about you do and you and I did we're

1:09:17

back in it aren't we? We're

1:09:19

on that wagon. Okay, and we're gonna go we're going to

1:09:21

the sunset there. It's amazing I'd

1:09:24

like to think and I love you say that I

1:09:26

make credit, right? Yeah, is it good? I think

1:09:29

yeah Yeah, do you like that TV? No? I

1:09:33

was more of like an SNL guy SNL

1:09:35

is great my significantly better quality than mad

1:09:37

TV. Um When

1:09:41

did mad TV is not on that's

1:09:43

right. No. Yeah, one of them is still on Yeah, what

1:09:45

you just did there now because you wanted to combat him

1:09:48

because I knew how you felt But

1:09:50

what you did is you went you went you want you

1:09:52

know what I'm gonna diffuse situation I'm gonna go this way

1:09:55

and I like what you did, but it's the end of

1:09:57

the day. I know how you feel Okay, thank you and

1:09:59

thank you much dax will be here. And

1:10:02

I'm gonna say something. I'm gonna do

1:10:04

something for you man. Something deep, provocative,

1:10:06

maybe some pussy. We'll see. You're

1:10:09

gonna give him some pussy? We're gonna help

1:10:11

him. Okay. What?

1:10:14

What if he doesn't want us? If you don't want us fine. What

1:10:17

about a hug? One of your hugs? One

1:10:19

of his good hugs. No. I

1:10:22

might be wrong, but I think

1:10:24

maybe you could be a

1:10:26

reoccurring guest on this show. I'll

1:10:28

come back anytime. You drive here? Yes. Okay

1:10:30

then. You have a bike? I

1:10:33

do. Do you bike often? Not anymore

1:10:35

for some reason. So you rode a bike here?

1:10:38

No. Okay. Have you ever fallen off the bike?

1:10:41

I do have a scar on my chest from biking into the

1:10:43

back of a car. You

1:10:46

know, I would like to hear that story. Yeah, I would like to. I

1:10:48

know before we move on. But can I also... Well, I

1:10:50

don't want to talk about your bike. I'd like to hear that story. Well,

1:10:53

it's pretty much just that. I just... The

1:10:57

car was parked and no one was in it. And

1:10:59

there was a gas tank on the back that popped

1:11:02

open too. It was leaking gas. But I just went

1:11:04

down to the beach and asked a lifeguard for something

1:11:06

to put on my... How old were

1:11:08

you? 17 or 18. Here in Southern California.

1:11:12

And you did this to the lifeguard? Well,

1:11:15

I just told him that I had a... You

1:11:18

did this. How did

1:11:20

you lose focus and hit him

1:11:22

hard? I didn't lose focus. I think my foot

1:11:24

slipped or my hand slipped. And then

1:11:26

by the time I got it back, I slammed on the

1:11:28

brakes and then skidded and it

1:11:30

was... I was going too fast or something. You

1:11:34

know, so I just said, when I say something, you

1:11:37

ever watch porn with dudes like this? You're

1:11:40

saying about his penis size is big? I

1:11:42

check out it. It's got to be.

1:11:45

Yeah, guys that have a little bit of the

1:11:48

same body structure, everything about it. Yeah, the

1:11:51

vibe. Do you like trains? I

1:11:54

like being on them. They

1:11:57

are very peaceful to go. They're nice. I'm

1:12:00

trying to do but you're not gonna

1:12:02

go to a train station to look

1:12:04

at yeah, yeah Yeah, you

1:12:06

look like you like trains that was interesting. That's

1:12:08

so good. Well because I feel like he has

1:12:10

interesting hobby Yeah, yeah, yeah, what is that? Of

1:12:13

course I don't know it. Do you like marbles?

1:12:16

What do you know dude? I feel like you

1:12:19

have marbles in your pocket right now No, I like I

1:12:22

do like going on trains, but I

1:12:24

have no nothing to say about marbles You know why

1:12:26

you like trains so much. Yeah, they're very peaceful. Yeah

1:12:29

Fucking are aren't the last time I was on one it

1:12:32

hit someone also like speaking of yeah Yeah in

1:12:34

a person it got delayed. I didn't see anything,

1:12:36

but I got delayed and there was a jumper

1:12:38

Mmm well I looked at an article the next

1:12:41

day or two day or two later and They

1:12:43

yeah, I just said that someone got hit in the arm and

1:12:46

I think they were fine Oh, they were alive.

1:12:48

Mmm, usually somebody jumps. Okay. My

1:12:50

mom used to take the train every day when we moved

1:12:52

from Chicago to the suburbs and Maybe

1:12:54

once a month someone would jump in front of the train. So it

1:12:56

would delay her workday Okay, real frustrating

1:12:58

when someone takes their own life and

1:13:01

inconveniences everybody else kill yourself on your

1:13:03

own time Or yeah, don't

1:13:08

What I agree with you don't kill yourself true true,

1:13:10

but also if you're gonna do it don't make

1:13:12

it hard on other people True, you know, I mean, what's

1:13:15

your favorite meal to eat? What's your death row meal? You

1:13:17

ever play that you know, sometimes that you're on death row

1:13:19

with your last. Oh, this is a good question. Maybe Well

1:13:24

Smoothies are like the thing I have most but

1:13:26

in terms of like if there's no money

1:13:28

limit and then I'll get like good It's

1:13:31

your last meal bro sushi Or

1:13:34

steak sushi and steak you both. Yeah

1:13:36

both what cut a meat are we talking? What

1:13:39

kind of steak? I've usually just get sirloin Was

1:13:42

vegetarian for a while and now I've just been eating everything now

1:13:44

you're back on the beef I bet

1:13:46

you what's the best steak rush steak? How's you

1:13:48

been doing? Damon's

1:13:53

I think it's called is that you

1:13:55

talking about the one in in in

1:13:57

Glendale. Yeah, that's a really good one That's the one

1:13:59

I told you you to go about it's like the

1:14:01

it's like the Tiki theme yes that's a really oh my

1:14:03

god I love that place it's a good place I

1:14:06

love oh you're off you're a foodie huh

1:14:08

uh then Damon's is so fucking cool I

1:14:11

told you to go there I'm gonna go

1:14:13

you're a foodie um yeah

1:14:15

I guess I don't really

1:14:17

know many steak places no but do you like you

1:14:20

you you do like to go out and eat at

1:14:22

fun places uh yes but

1:14:24

it but the restriction you said the smoothie thing is

1:14:26

it that's a is that a health thing or a

1:14:28

financial thing I just love some of these right hey

1:14:30

guy yeah we do

1:14:32

too I thought what's up what's up we do

1:14:35

them pretty often what kind is it it's

1:14:37

called none of your fucking business no

1:14:39

it's a fair question it's called chocolate I

1:14:41

didn't know that's right chocolate lover yeah we

1:14:44

like it's chocolate and peanut butter um I would like

1:14:46

to go to Wii Spa with you okay

1:14:49

would you would you know that is I

1:14:51

would not get naked no something

1:14:54

told me that that way stop oh

1:14:57

stop I'm very offended by that by the way

1:14:59

why because it's like you

1:15:02

looked at me and you go I will

1:15:04

not get naked but it's almost as if you said

1:15:06

I will not get naked with you no with

1:15:08

any with anyone so except for someone you're interested

1:15:10

in romantically this is the border that he's I

1:15:12

know but what I'm saying is is that we're

1:15:14

not the Wii Spa is

1:15:17

it's it's um there's a

1:15:19

communal place where men and women

1:15:21

congregate okay hospitality

1:15:25

ergo ergo right and then but in

1:15:27

the in that we have to first

1:15:29

get naked and put on the Wii

1:15:31

stall clothing so you wouldn't get naked

1:15:34

with me you're putting on clothes

1:15:37

I would go into like a bathroom stall if that's

1:15:40

possible yeah that seems pretty fair oh that's insane did

1:15:42

you ever play sports as a young lad but I

1:15:44

wouldn't be offended if you wanted to undress and

1:15:47

would you look at my penis uh no okay

1:15:50

you but I said look uh if you

1:15:52

go hey Dax look if

1:15:55

I know what you're doing then no yeah okay

1:15:58

you're giving him the keys the castle

1:16:00

you're letting him know what you may come in yeah

1:16:03

yeah the moat whatever come on in did

1:16:05

you ever chew tobacco? I tried

1:16:08

smoking a cigarette how was that?

1:16:11

Interesting I guess you have any interest in

1:16:13

chewing tobacco? Would you try some? I

1:16:16

don't think I'm interested in

1:16:19

in that. Smart. Have you tried

1:16:21

it? Chewing tobacco yeah yeah yeah

1:16:23

yeah. You've tried everything. You've

1:16:25

tried everything once. Except for guys you've that's the

1:16:27

thing I think. That's fine I was

1:16:29

a kid but let's not bring that up again it's

1:16:31

weird. Mommy you bring it up more than once in

1:16:34

the episode. Well you've tried guys and I haven't and

1:16:36

you said everything once. It's making our guests feel uncomfortable

1:16:38

because obviously he doesn't like it. No I don't feel

1:16:40

uncomfortable. First of all this guy said he was a

1:16:42

democrat he's open for all this stuff. Yeah yeah you're

1:16:44

open right? You're open marriage? Yes yeah yeah I think

1:16:46

that's great. Open borders right? Yes. Yeah

1:16:49

free health care for everybody and

1:16:52

what's the last thing we always say? Childs

1:16:54

women in sports and men's sports. There

1:16:56

it is. Yes. Yep. Very

1:16:58

good. I want

1:17:01

to know what you don't like. What are things

1:17:03

that bother Dax? Traffic.

1:17:12

Yeah. That's it. Oh that much. There's been a lot

1:17:15

of construction on the apartment unit next to mine for

1:17:17

the past like two weeks and it's

1:17:19

like just waking up

1:17:21

to like banging and grinding and

1:17:23

stuff yeah. Do you live in Hollywood? Uh

1:17:25

no uh two miles east of Hollywood. So

1:17:27

in your mind when you're seeing hearing that

1:17:29

what are the socks that go through your head

1:17:32

you want to kill them?

1:17:34

No. No be honest we're all pals

1:17:36

here. Right right right right right. In

1:17:39

your mind like oh I take a

1:17:41

fucking machete. You know what do you

1:17:43

think? Uh uh no no I

1:17:45

don't think that. Okay what do you think that?

1:17:48

Um this

1:17:51

sucks. Yeah this sucks. Is

1:17:54

right. That sucks. You

1:17:56

don't have revenge fantasies. Am I the only

1:17:58

guy in this? Building that has

1:18:01

revenge that fantasies. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

1:18:04

Yeah the way yes. Yeah, John No,

1:18:06

use Korean a back me up revenge

1:18:08

fantasies. Sometimes I Picture

1:18:10

myself going back to my bullies

1:18:12

and beating them up. Yeah, dude That's what I'm saying

1:18:14

and I picture I have fantasies like that You don't

1:18:17

have fantasies people that harmed you you know, I mean

1:18:19

like I should have done this You

1:18:21

know me. I should take any bear trap and chop their fucker.

1:18:23

Let anybody bully you Um That

1:18:26

as a young person Anytime

1:18:28

any time. Oh sure. There's like internet hate

1:18:30

comments, but I'm just immune to them at

1:18:33

this point There was recently this isn't bullying

1:18:35

but like two days ago. I was

1:18:37

getting out of my car and someone Like

1:18:41

honked at me Well, I got out of my

1:18:43

car and then I went back into it to

1:18:45

scoot forward to give them more space to park

1:18:47

That's nice. They honked at me as I was

1:18:49

getting back in like because they didn't that

1:18:51

was annoying I

1:18:57

That was not bullying though. No, no,

1:18:59

yeah Yeah

1:19:09

Yeah, I mean I want I want I

1:19:11

want a day I want a day with

1:19:13

you. Yeah days. I want

1:19:16

days with you Okay Can

1:19:20

we do I think we should do a camping thing

1:19:23

would you go camping with us? Yeah,

1:19:26

have you ever camped? No And

1:19:30

have you ever lived up to land? Lived

1:19:33

off the land like in what like foraging for

1:19:35

berries killing something and eating it at that I

1:19:37

can teach you about that stuff Okay, like fish.

1:19:39

Have you ever gone fishing? Yes Have

1:19:43

you ever done it without a rod do it naturally

1:19:45

with a spear I could teach you about that too

1:19:48

Yeah, y'all are big campers. What would I do?

1:19:50

We do it every weekend every weekend. Yeah, pretty

1:19:52

much We don't fail huh where what big bear

1:19:54

last weekend? No, no, and then sometimes we'll go

1:19:57

just we'll just go to Riverside and just camp

1:19:59

right in downtown Riverside yeah yeah sometimes we'll

1:20:01

do that I can hand trap squirrels now

1:20:03

with my eyes closed to be honest with you should

1:20:05

see what this guy does sound squirrels unbelievable yeah yeah

1:20:07

he can follow a squirrel just like in sonar like

1:20:09

a like a dolphin yeah just a sound yeah oh

1:20:12

dude yep 450 klama's right do

1:20:15

west up the tree that's the thing when squirrel

1:20:18

hunts he does turn can a but for the

1:20:20

most part yeah and I can

1:20:22

also just I can get

1:20:25

on my hands and knees and I can

1:20:27

tap with my finger right and

1:20:29

I communicate with earthworms they're

1:20:32

pretty cool like that is awesome

1:20:34

yeah did you all get into it together well

1:20:37

when we were in the war desert storm

1:20:39

we were young I mean I was in

1:20:41

the army he was in the Marines mm-hmm

1:20:43

and you know I was a tracker you

1:20:45

know I mean I tracked them those bastards

1:20:47

those fucking dirty bastards man they're disgusting disgusting

1:20:50

where are the real enemy they're the real enemy did worms

1:20:52

worms you not see what

1:20:54

they're doing to this fucking planet you see dune yes

1:20:56

yeah they're gonna rip us to pieces man we're

1:20:59

done yeah we're done for and if you think

1:21:01

that that's not what's really going on that's the

1:21:03

government that's the government finally telling us the truth

1:21:05

the truth is like you know I mean I'm

1:21:08

saying please please don't I just bought this house do

1:21:10

not because when they come out of the earth destroys

1:21:13

buildings yeah man but

1:21:17

my point is is this so what else we go conflict

1:21:19

so we will area you know that our fun trip though

1:21:21

when we went to the rainforest in Brazil that was so

1:21:24

far my we spent a month in the rainforest in Brazil

1:21:26

and we observed the birds of paradise

1:21:29

well mating rights rituals do you know much about

1:21:32

it we lived with a tribe yeah for the

1:21:34

time yeah and

1:21:37

then every weekend y'all go camping pretty much yeah if

1:21:39

we can do if we can do and

1:21:41

we do you know we do it alone style oh

1:21:45

I've seen that show yeah so we do it

1:21:47

with really nothing okay yeah yeah so we're gonna

1:21:49

go out there with maybe no tent you

1:21:51

know maybe we can build you know our

1:21:53

own lodge I'll say this again

1:21:56

you're inside these walls you're a

1:21:58

bad friend for life you're a friend of ours Thank

1:22:00

you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't be scared of us. Okay. No

1:22:03

because in here we want to protect you There's nothing about

1:22:05

this place that wants you must have to have to pee

1:22:07

real bad right now, huh? No, I

1:22:09

did think about that and not know luckily,

1:22:11

you know You know that's

1:22:14

I want to share something with you last night last night. I didn't made

1:22:16

a mistake So

1:22:18

let you know that blue thing that vibrator I have that

1:22:20

wrapper my chick the vibrating thing. Thank you

1:22:22

for being a bad friend Oh