Hi everyone, it’s Val. I had a very interesting interview with a clergyman for 30 years and presently, a pastor who has gone through a divorce. Ken Gordon talks about the responsibility of fathers during and after divorce. He has written a book entitled “Divorced But Still Dad: Faith Principles of Understanding the Role of a Father During and After Divorce” At the start of the interview, Ken told me that he was wearing a sweater with a big “D” on it. He explained that there seems to be a social stigma on the people going through or after a divorce. People in the community seem to be judging those who failed in their marriages. And throughout the whole process of divorce, the mental and emotional well-being of the children have been left out. He questioned “How do we leave something alive?”. What he meant by that was how can parents prioritize their children while battling through divorce. How do they make sure that their children still have a better future? When Ken was writing his book, he encouraged his 12-year-old daughter to write a chapter of it, specifically, for dads. When he read it, it brought tears to his eyes. He realized that he was not able to intentionally recognize the thoughts and emotions of his children. It was an enlightening experience that provides a glimpse of how your children will also feel when divorce comes to your doorstep. For him, the biggest advice he would give to dads going through a divorce is to remember that they should be a dad no matter what. “Don’t divorce your children just because you divorced their mother”. Secondly, he advises people not to stay in a marriage just for the benefit of their children. It is futile to hide or lie so that the kids will not be hurt. They already see and sense that there is something wrong. By being true to themselves, parents are teaching their children how to be real in relationships. How to constructively handle failure and disappointment. How to be a victor and not a victim of their circumstances. I couldn't agree more with Ken on this. What does it teach the kids if you stay in a relationship that is not healthy anymore? Do you want your kids to be living the kind of life that you no longer want? It can cause mental destruction because what we don’t heal in our lives, we pass it on to our kids for them to deal with and that can become a challenging situation for them. Basically, this is unfair to the children. Let kids be kids, as I always say. Ken’s daughter realized later on why her father did not engage in mudslinging against her mother – “My father allowed me to remain a child”. 

Toward the end of the interview, he cautions about what the children see of people’s relationships post-divorce. Part of the children’s self-esteem embodies who the parents are. If they see their parents going from one relationship to another, it affects how they view themselves as well. People can also make a difference in what they say about the person they are divorcing. The demeaning words children hear about the other spouse affect how they see themselves Here is the breakdown of this episode: (03:35) Overcoming divorce's stigma and prioritizing children

(05:07) Divorce doesn’t care who you are 

(07:22) Children's perspective in divorce

(11:20) Don’t stay married for the sake of the children

(12:47) Empowering children to navigate relationships and emotions 

(14:52) Therapy's transformative power in building the children’s strong foundations

(20:06) Allowing children to be children amidst divorce

(22:47) The ripple effects of encouraging judgment in children

(24:41) The importance of individual relationships with the children through divorce

(26:02) The effect of your post-divorce relationships on the children’s self-esteem 

(26:58) The impact of what you say about your spouse on your children’s identity I really admire Ken for his conscientious efforts to let his kids be kids and himself, be their dad. During his divorce, he lived near his children. He made sure that his belongings in that house do not send a message to his children that he was doing better without them. He ensured that his kids’ bedrooms at his house had everything that the bedrooms at the other house had. It’s so easy to get self-absorbed and be swept away by all the turmoil of divorce. It’s so easy to fight back and forget about leaving a living legacy in the children’s lives. But one thing remains true, there are ways to make divorce better. This is Val. See you in the next episode!

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About Ken Gordon

Rev. Dr. Ken J. Gordon, Jr., is the pastor of the House of Light Church in Birmingham, Alabama. He and his wife founded the church in 2018 after relocating to Alabama from the Philadelphia/South Jersey area. A certified chaplain and licensed counsel-or, Rev. Gordon graduated with a BA in international law and military affairs from The Citadel in Charleston, South Carolina. From James Dussault University Pentecostal Seminary in Columbia, South Carolina, he earned an MA in church administration, doctorate in communication, and PhD in Christian counseling. From 2018 to 2020, Rev. and Mrs. Gordon hosted the Commitments with Ken and Leslie Show, a weekly radio show focused on helping people who are divorced or going through divorce to find hope, healing, and help. It also provided insight and inspiration to fruitful and dysfunctional relationships. He is a highly sought-after speaker on engaged fatherhood, effective leadership, and community engagement. He is the author of numerous published articles plus the award-winning books "Divorced But Still Dad – The Faith Principles of a Father's Responsibility During and After Divorce", "The Love of a Father - Faith Principles of the Power of a Father's Love", and the Amazon Best Selling book "Bad Dogs - A Black Cadet in Dixie". He is also the author of "Pancake Dad!" and "Ice Cream Dad!", the first two of his 12-book "Engaged Dads" children's series. Read more about Rev. Gordon at www.dadsoffaith.com.