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Hello and welcome to the Beef and

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Dairy Network podcast, the number

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in the production of beef animals and dairy

1:01

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well as the printed magazine, brought to

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you by LactoBulk.

1:12

Now, if you are a regular listener

1:14

to the podcast, you may remember that

1:16

two years ago we spoke to former bovine

1:19

dressage champion turned sports entrepreneur

1:21

William Hester about his plans to

1:23

professionalise the traditional English folk sport

1:26

of hog ball.

1:29

A simple game which doesn't actually feature a

1:31

ball, in which two teams of five on

1:33

cowback, brandishing jousting lances, compete

1:35

to chase a pig into a hole, it

1:37

began in the early medieval period

1:40

as a sport where two teams of local common

1:42

folk would chase a witch into a pit.

1:45

In fact, what many people don't realise

1:47

is that almost all modern sports began

1:50

in a similar way.

1:51

For example, the modern Olympic heptathlon

1:54

grew out of a traditional May Day event, in

1:56

which competitors had to outrun a witch, jump

1:59

over a witch,

1:59

throw a witch and then run 100m

2:02

while jumping over 10 evenly spaced

2:04

witches. William believed that

2:07

with the right amount of investment, the modern

2:09

sport of hogball, in association with Hyundai,

2:11

could rival the popularity of football's

2:13

Premier League. And just two years

2:16

later, I am pleased to report that with

2:18

huge injections of money from his major sponsors

2:20

Korean car giant Hyundai and the

2:22

actor David Duchovny,

2:24

Hester has made his dream a

2:26

reality.

2:27

In fact, Hyundai signed the biggest

2:30

sponsorship deal of all time and

2:32

in return for their investment, every time the

2:34

word hogball is

2:37

said in public media, it is followed

2:39

by the following piece of audio.

2:43

See? Hogball.

2:47

If

2:50

you live in the UK, you may have noticed that 20

2:53

brand new gigantic hogball in association

2:55

with Hyundai, Stadia have gone up across

2:58

Britain and 20 new hogball in

3:00

association with Hyundai teams have been established,

3:03

including the Northampton Lance Wizards,

3:05

a team owned entirely by David Duchovny

3:07

himself. With his investment,

3:10

a new 200,000 Cesar

3:12

stadium called Julian Anderson Park

3:14

has been built. And it was here where the

3:17

first match of the new professional HBL

3:19

took place when the Lance Wizards took

3:21

on the South Exeter Hoof captains last

3:23

month.

3:25

We'll speak to William later. First, I

3:27

spoke to someone who was part of that 200,000 strong

3:31

throng, Sandy Willis, a

3:33

man from Northampton who lives with his father, Chris,

3:36

a lifelong hogball in association

3:38

with Hyundai fanatic, you know, he's such

3:40

a fan of hogball in association with Hyundai.

3:42

I think like he never thought that we'd see the

3:44

day when hogball in association with Hyundai

3:47

became professional

3:48

pursuit, you know, that we could go to a proper

3:51

league with all the, you know, all the razma

3:53

towers around that we never thought we'd see this day. So

3:55

I thought, you know what, I think this will be special for him.

3:57

I'll get him some tickets. So talk to me about

4:00

about your father's relationship with Hogball?

4:02

ALICE In association with Hyundai. ALICE I believe

4:04

he is a passionate amateur

4:07

practitioner of Hogball. ALICE In association with

4:09

Hyundai. ALICE Well, of course, he's now largely coaching.

4:12

At the age of 67, it's

4:14

not a great game to be played, but no, he played it all

4:17

his life in the amateur leagues. Yeah,

4:19

so he's loved it for a long time. ALICE

4:21

Now, Sandy, you yourself

4:23

don't play Hogball. ALICE In association

4:25

with Hyundai. Was there pressure from your father

4:27

to share his passion for the

4:29

sport? ALICE Yeah, there was a pressure.

4:32

I think it was hoped that

4:34

as his only son, I would go into Hogball.

4:36

ALICE In association with Hyundai. ALICE After him.

4:39

But I couldn't.

4:42

I couldn't. I had a condition. I have a condition. I have

4:45

a very specific phobia. It's called

4:48

helixotryphophobia,

4:49

and that's a fear of spirals.

4:52

I can't look at a spiral

4:55

without being really overcome by fear.

4:57

So obviously, I can't be behind a pig because

5:00

of those tails. ALICE The spirally tail, yeah.

5:03

Especially the idea of that spiral. Sorry

5:05

if this will affect you. That spiral would you tell

5:07

him a pig? ALICE Would you mind actually not saying spiral? Could

5:09

you use a different word? ALICE

5:10

The circular nature

5:17

of the tail. That itself,

5:19

then spinning as the pig spins down the

5:21

hole, creates a kind of double

5:23

helix. ALICE Absolutely. And that's it.

5:25

So that even if I could gather myself together

5:28

to play,

5:29

well, I know that

5:31

a victory, if I'm involved in that victory,

5:34

is going to double my fear.

5:36

How can you celebrate at that point when

5:38

you're pretty much vomiting

5:41

on the back of a cow?

5:42

So I can't play. But I can

5:44

watch it because you can

5:46

pick your angle, and

5:48

it's really just that circular

5:52

view down a spiral, which is the problem. I can look at

5:54

one from the side, and that's fine. ALICE So

5:57

you could look at a tornado, for example. ALICE

5:59

Oh, I could look at a tornado.

5:59

tornado, no problem. But if I got sucked

6:02

into the tornado, I'd be very

6:04

scared. I'd be very scared, you know.

6:06

When it became clear that you had this problem,

6:09

was your father disappointed

6:12

that you had this phobia and that you

6:14

weren't able to do what he

6:16

loved to do? Disappointed

6:20

is a strong word. He

6:23

would sort of, whenever

6:27

I would say, oh,

6:29

I can't do that, or whatever the topic would come up, he

6:31

would sort of huff.

6:32

There'd be like a, so,

6:40

you know, I can't read exhales, but that's what he'd

6:42

do. So I don't think he certainly wasn't delighted

6:46

about it. I mean,

6:49

I had a school friend, actually quite a good friend.

6:52

He'd be round a lot after school, things like

6:54

that, you know, come round and we'd

6:56

play duck hunt together on that Nintendo

6:58

thing. And then him, Martin,

7:02

he did take up

7:05

amateur hogball. In association with

7:07

Hyundai? And actually my dad really took

7:09

him under his wing, like would take

7:11

him along every Sunday, started cheering Martin,

7:13

got sort of, it was his biggest fan really, really

7:16

facilitated Martin's career. And I think

7:18

that did cause a bit of a rift. There

7:21

was certainly a distance between me and my dad because he

7:23

was spending the lion's share of his free time

7:26

with Martin.

7:27

Hoping to get into his father's good books, Sandy

7:29

resolved to buy tickets for them both to attend

7:31

the world's first professional hogball

7:34

in association with Hyundai fixture. I

7:36

see the, I

7:38

think it was in the back page of a magazine.

7:40

It said, finally, hogball

7:43

in association with Hyundai.

7:45

And I read it and I thought, Oh my God.

7:48

And in fact, I remember exactly I saw

7:50

that tickets were available because it said tickets available

7:53

and I saw it and I thought

7:54

I can make dad love me.

7:56

Simple as that. Simple as that. Simple as

7:58

that. the tickets were so

8:01

sought after that all 200,000 sold

8:03

out through the website in under a minute.

8:06

Luckily for Sandy though,

8:07

he knew of another way to secure tickets.

8:10

There's a guy in the

8:13

pub.

8:15

Don't know his surname. He sort of goes by long

8:18

fingers Jimmy,

8:19

and he will, he sort

8:22

of dares you to do things in

8:26

exchange for things that he has. And

8:28

he always seems to have everything. So I got, you know, decades

8:31

ago, got a DVD of The Matrix

8:33

off him by I

8:36

think I had to lick the, lick

8:39

the cubicle, lick the cubicle,

8:41

not the, not the lavatory itself, you

8:43

know. Right. Oh,

8:46

so he's a kind of dare merchant. Yeah. He says, Oh,

8:48

well, I, yeah, maybe I'll give it to you

8:51

if I dare you to.

8:54

And then he says the thing he dares you to do. And so you go,

8:56

Oh, I don't really want to do that. There's never nice dares. Well,

8:58

it was once actually

9:00

once there was a kind of, Oh,

9:02

well, I dare you to have a nice sit down. And

9:05

I thought, is this

9:07

a trick? It wasn't, I had a nice sit

9:09

down. And then he gave me the, he gave me the

9:11

DVD that I was after. So it's mainly DVDs.

9:15

It's just any entertainment. It just happened to be DVD

9:17

that time as well. Lots of entertainment things, DVDs,

9:20

cassette tapes back in the day,

9:22

theater tickets. I got

9:24

a ticket to the touring production of Mary Poppins, because

9:27

I was willing to shout out a window.

9:30

I've just farted out this window. He's

9:31

not, he's not the most inventive guy.

9:34

And do the, do the kind of

9:37

the dares get bigger in magnitude

9:40

compared to the popularity of the, of

9:42

the entertainment. So absolutely

9:44

no correlation.

9:46

Oh, really? Yeah. The, the things

9:48

that he's made people do for

9:50

like really available products. Wow.

9:54

And then at the same time, you know, he got,

9:56

he got like a, a jump the queue

9:58

ticket to the Queen's. lying in

10:00

state. And to do that, or

10:03

Katie had to do was say, actually,

10:06

I like you very much, Jimmy, you're a good friend. So

10:09

he's a real agent of chaos, this guy? He is,

10:11

that's it. Exactly. He's a kind of Lord of Misrule

10:13

agent of chaos type. He's like the Joker in The Dark

10:16

Knight, or Dale Winton in

10:18

Supermarket Sweep.

10:19

He's got a kind of goblin vibe.

10:21

Mm hmm. He is goblin. He's very handsome.

10:24

It's strange. He's got goblin energy.

10:26

But to look at him, you'd think like, well, you must have an

10:29

upstanding job and a really good life. And

10:31

does he? He hasn't.

10:34

Actually, I say he hasn't. I've no idea. He's

10:37

a real enigma, to be honest. I mean, he

10:39

gets all this stuff somehow. So I guess he's

10:41

at least independently wealthy. I should ask

10:44

him about himself sometime, actually. I've never really just sat

10:46

down with him and had a chat. And can I just

10:48

ask, I,

10:51

so my wife, Margaret, her mother, is

10:55

a huge fan of Jersey Boys. I

10:58

mean, unbelievably, the lengths to which her

11:01

life is orientated around that musical

11:03

is absolutely staggering. I

11:07

meant to be going next weekend to Jersey Boys.

11:10

I said I bought the tickets. I had a yellow ticket.

11:13

And now it's sold out because people are absolutely

11:16

obsessed with this show. And I don't

11:18

know why. Why are they so? No, no,

11:20

I do get it. The music is good. The music is good.

11:23

No, I do get it, actually. I'm

11:25

sorry. It's super superb. It's superb.

11:28

I'll see what I can do. I'll

11:30

send Jimmy a text. There's anything this guy can do.

11:32

How many tickets do you need?

11:34

So it's me, wife,

11:37

two kids, Margaret's

11:39

mother. And she's bringing her new,

11:41

she's in a, in a menage. She's

11:43

in like a new menage a toil with two elderly gentlemen.

11:46

Polyamorous thing.

11:47

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I think she's getting to that. Right.

11:49

Yeah. So seven. Yeah.

11:51

So there's at least two, I think, gentlemen

11:54

that she's

11:55

getting, but she could, as

11:58

you say, spare you want one spare. Yeah,

12:00

exactly. You don't have the size of the molecule. Okay.

12:02

Well, I'll message to me about that. I'll see what he, what

12:06

he, he, he, well, if he has

12:08

them and then if he does have them, what

12:11

you need to do. Yeah. Like if I have

12:13

to like shut my dick in a car door

12:15

or something, like, I feel

12:17

like I want me to propose that. Do you want me

12:19

to suggest? I don't know. It feels like

12:22

I'm too much the author of my own.

12:24

Demise if you say this. Well, I mean, that

12:26

is one he uses. I did that once. I did that

12:28

once. What did you get? I

12:31

got tickets to hearsay.

12:34

Yeah. So I don't want to like put that in his head

12:36

because

12:37

that's not mentioned. Do

12:39

you want me to allude to it? I don't know why. I

12:41

don't really know why of any like broadband to the

12:43

conversation to be honest. Right. Yeah. Well,

12:47

I won't mention it. Shall

12:49

I say anything car door related? Dot

12:51

dot dot? Question mark? Or is that

12:53

too? No, because I feel like it suggests itself, doesn't it? Right.

12:56

Do you, I'm sorry, I may have got the wrong stick. Do you

12:58

want to shut your dick in a car door?

13:00

No, I want to see Jersey boys with my family. Oh,

13:03

well, I don't think he's going to be willing. He's not. Yeah. He's not going to be

13:05

willing to take that as a dare because that's what

13:08

you're. Yeah. No, I don't really want to do any of the

13:12

days. I sort of, I'm in the corner here. It feels

13:14

like this guy, you want him to come up with the

13:16

dare.

13:17

I don't know that because you know him better than I do.

13:19

I've drafted this. I've drafted the message. Okay.

13:22

It says a friend

13:24

wants eight tickets to Jersey boys next

13:26

weekend.

13:28

Stalls probably like decent tickets. Okay.

13:32

Okay. Just written that in. Um, still,

13:34

what's the circles fine as well? Well,

13:37

which it

13:38

I'll say stalls and then see, you know, because

13:40

he does sometimes like to bargain.

13:42

Dare question mark, question mark. And

13:44

I'll send that. Yeah. Yeah.

13:47

How quickly is he going to get like, sometimes Oh yeah.

13:50

Straight away. Yep. He has eight

13:52

tickets. Dare

13:55

in capitals colon.

13:58

He's got to shut his dick in the car door. Okay.

13:59

How does he know? That's

14:03

a real coincidence. That's a real.

14:06

The universe is a really strange,

14:09

strange place. That's amazing. To be fair,

14:11

that is one of his favourite days. That's

14:14

like one in two, I think he goes for the dick in

14:16

the car door. As I say, he's not very inventive. I

14:19

think, to be honest, if I can bite down

14:21

on a wooden spoon or something, I think it's

14:24

not the end of the world. I'd say this, I

14:27

would say, is it alright if he bites

14:29

down on a wooden spoon? But then he'll say no, whereas

14:31

if you just don't mention it, it will probably be fine.

14:34

And to be honest, the thought of

14:37

my wife's mother carrying on with

14:39

that group of guys, that makes me want to

14:42

slam my dick in the car door anyway.

14:45

Yeah, maybe you should see someone to talk about

14:47

that, because I don't see why you should really have any

14:50

issues with your mother-in-law sex life. I mean,

14:52

she's

14:53

not your mother. No, it's just like, do

14:55

I have to, like, she'll stay in our house?

14:58

With them. With them. In the

15:00

spare room? Like, how do you do that bed-wise? How

15:02

big's the bed? They just take the patio.

15:04

Oh, right. Yeah, fill a paddling

15:07

pool with sweet hanimasad mayo, salad

15:09

dressing, open a box of wine

15:11

and just, you know, get on with it. Oh,

15:14

right. Oof. Yeah.

15:18

Anyway, that's my life. Let's talk about your life. Yeah. You

15:22

asked Longfinger Jimmy for the tickets.

15:25

He says, sure.

15:26

He obviously issues you with the

15:28

dare. Mm-hmm. What

15:31

was it? I had to get a four-packs

15:33

worth of tinned black olives

15:36

up my asshole. Okay.

15:41

Sorry, I did that.

15:43

Did he provide the olives?

15:46

Yeah, you know, he's a generous man. He paid for

15:48

them. He provided them to me. He

15:50

gave me the can opener to get it open, and he lent me

15:52

his funnel.

15:54

You can't say fairer than that, can you? No.

15:56

No, he's a good egg. He's a good egg. really

16:00

weird man. We'll

16:02

hear more from Sandy later, but first

16:05

it's time to hear from William Hester, the

16:07

man behind the world's first professional

16:10

hogball league, the HBL. I started by asking

16:13

him how

16:15

he feels about the way in which the actor David

16:18

Duchovny has become the public face of

16:20

the league, maybe overshadowing William's

16:22

own contribution. Yeah, I

16:25

think people,

16:27

you know, there's a lot of people involved, aren't

16:29

there? There's a lot of people involved and obviously some

16:31

people will get more more

16:33

credit or be more talks about than others, but I'm not.

16:36

I've never been about putting myself front and centre.

16:39

What matters to me is

16:41

that it happens. One of the side

16:43

effects of hogball. In association

16:46

with Hyundai. Starting to really take

16:48

a hold of this country is people talking more about

16:51

David Duchovny. Best known of course for

16:53

The X-Files. And Beethoven.

16:56

And the film Beethoven of course. 10 years

16:58

ago, if that as a situation had been described to me,

17:01

I'd have thought

17:02

this sounds absolutely mad how these things connected.

17:04

But if that is now one of the side effects, then

17:07

I'm happy about that in a way, because it

17:09

means that the hogball league is happening. So

17:13

the rumours aren't true. There's

17:15

a power struggle at the heart of hogball. In association

17:18

with Hyundai. Between yourself and David

17:21

Duchovny and his team. You know, he is the

17:23

public face that

17:25

I'm... If

17:28

that's how it is, that's how it is. But I

17:30

don't want you to think for a moment that it makes me even slightly

17:33

angry. Not even

17:35

slightly angry.

17:36

William has raised an estimated £60 billion

17:40

in the last two years to set up the league. The

17:42

majority of this money has gone into the construction

17:44

of 20 brand new, gigantic

17:47

hogball. In association with Hyundai. Stadia.

17:50

It's not like that sort of hospital

17:52

situation where people would fit

17:55

a

17:55

new ramp at the back of an existing

17:57

hospital and say, oh look, we built a new hospital. only 39

18:00

more to go. They are

18:03

brand new. We

18:07

went round, we knocked on people's doors, we

18:09

insisted we buy their homes. Their homes were

18:11

then raised to the ground and we built for

18:14

the benefit of the community

18:16

that we had displaced

18:20

these new stadia.

18:23

Each and every one

18:27

is. They are

18:29

cathedrals. They are

18:32

fantastically well designed. I think

18:34

there are names that people have been banding

18:36

about for too long, Ren,

18:38

that

18:41

people will actually stop thinking now

18:43

because, hello, some new boys

18:45

are in town and crikey, look what

18:47

they've knocked up. Do

18:49

you think St

18:51

Paul's Cathedral, for example, will be in

18:53

the shadow? It's now literally

18:55

in the shadow, one of your new stations. It's literally in the shadow,

18:58

isn't it? Where the old gate falcons

19:00

play. A

19:01

lot of the buildings are that part

19:03

of, even the Tower of London is in the shadow. There's

19:07

a few criticisms

19:09

that have been levied at your stadium building

19:11

project. Well, that's

19:15

modern Britain, isn't it? As soon as

19:17

you say the word criticism, I sort

19:19

of glaze over, to be honest.

19:21

Can I just run through them and

19:24

just get some reaction from you? Why

19:26

aren't the hog ball games taking

19:29

place in, for example, football stadiums or rugby stadiums?

19:32

Obviously, hog ball

19:34

takes place in the summer. It's the off season of

19:36

the football and rugby matches, so it would be easy enough

19:38

to ground share with

19:41

the existing clubs. Well, you

19:43

say that.

19:46

This is a sort of criticism levelled at us by people that don't

19:48

know enough about hog ball. In association with Hyundai.

19:50

There are no, and I've been to nearly every single

19:53

professional football stadium in

19:55

the United Kingdom of Great Britain and

19:57

Northern Ireland. None of them have at each end. a 40

20:00

or 50 foot hole. Not

20:04

one of them. I

20:05

mean, I didn't set out wanting to build 20 new

20:07

stages, but it became necessary because

20:10

simply the holes,

20:11

you know, the holes weren't there. And that is an essential

20:15

part of a hogball field.

20:17

In association with Hyundai. Field, isn't it? And of

20:19

course, another essential part of a hogball field. In association

20:21

with Hyundai. Field is that it is wider

20:24

than it is long. Exactly, exactly. And

20:26

all of the football grounds I went to, they were longer than they

20:28

were wide. So again, can

20:31

you see why this was becoming impossible?

20:34

Okay. And the final kind of category

20:37

of criticism, I would say just comes under

20:40

the headline of UNESCO. Yeah,

20:43

go they send a lot of emails, don't they? If

20:46

I have another email in my inbox with the subject

20:48

heading, do you know what heritage even means? I

20:52

won't touch you because they are blocked. Just

20:57

what is meant to last forever? Honestly,

21:01

what lasts forever? It

21:04

is the only, you know, remaining

21:07

Roman mausoleum in the northeast of England.

21:10

You can't just please

21:12

stop the diggers. I'm sorry, but this is, it's

21:15

just people standing in the way of progress, isn't

21:18

it? Are we honestly to live in a country where literally

21:20

everything that's ever happened

21:22

is to be preserved in Aspic? You

21:24

know, you could look at a bomb site and say, well, that was a memorial

21:27

of the Second World War.

21:28

Or you could think, right, let's lock up a couple of towers, film a student

21:30

nurses.

21:31

I mean, and who would be right in that

21:33

situation? Don't answer, we both know. I

21:36

think there's some sympathy for your point of view. We

21:38

can't,

21:39

you know, we can't live in complete status forever. That's

21:41

fair enough.

21:43

But at the same time, was it right for

21:45

you to knock out a bit of Hadrian's Wall?

21:47

If you look at the reasons for which Hadrian's

21:49

Wall

21:50

was originally built,

21:52

are those, do those continue

21:54

to be valid reasons? That's

21:56

a question.

21:58

Okay, so I mean, I guess the original reason-

21:59

was to keep marauding Picts

22:02

away from the Roman Empire. Yeah.

22:05

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, is that

22:07

a problem that has been dealt with or not been dealt with? I

22:09

would say it's currently been dealt

22:12

with, yeah. Yeah, it's been dealt with. So basically,

22:14

what Hadrian's War was put up to achieve,

22:17

that has been achieved.

22:19

Job done, tick, well done,

22:22

not that off the to-do list. It no

22:24

longer needs to be there.

22:26

What do you make of the nervousness around

22:29

your recent press

22:31

release that went out, saying that you planned to...

22:34

The Stonehenge project. The Stonehenge project,

22:36

yeah.

22:36

I just think, again, that's another thing.

22:40

You can't sell, that's already done.

22:42

No one even knows what it's for. And it gets to a

22:44

point where, like something in the kitchen, you

22:46

sort of maybe like an Allen key, a side

22:49

or a bolt. And

22:50

after summer said, what is this even for? It goes

22:52

in the bin, doesn't it? Now, they've had... I'm

22:55

sorry, but how much leeway do they need?

22:57

They don't know what it's for. It

23:00

doesn't serve any purpose.

23:03

It's, I'm sorry, it's got to go. Well,

23:07

well, people don't necessarily know exactly what it was

23:09

built. But I guess what it's for

23:11

now is there are certain kinds of people

23:14

who will go there and, I don't know what it

23:16

is, worship the sun. Why do you need to

23:18

go to one place?

23:21

Can you think of an object more visible than the sun?

23:24

Can you? No. So it seems ludicrous

23:27

that, oh, we've got to go there, so we get a better view of the sun.

23:29

What on earth are you talking about? I'll

23:32

tell you where else you can see the sun. Every single one

23:34

of the 20 Hogwarts... In association with Hyundai.

23:36

...stadia that have just been erected in this once great

23:38

nation of ours. So it's complete, I'm

23:41

sorry, it doesn't

23:43

wash with me. And that is why the diggers are, they are primed

23:45

and they are ready.

23:46

The tanks are full of petrol. It will happen. And

23:49

what about the people then who congregate

23:51

around Stonehenge? As Kevin Costner

23:54

never once said, if you raise it

23:56

to the ground, they will not stay.

23:58

And so, on June the 3rd...

23:59

3rd, 2023.

24:01

Dawn broke on the first day of

24:04

the professional era of hogball. In

24:06

association with Hyundai. Long fingers

24:08

Jimmy had come through with a pair of tickets

24:10

and Sandy was getting ready for the big day.

24:13

7am. I hear Dad

24:17

getting up to go and, you

24:19

know, get ready. He goes into the bathroom I think, ah, I'm going to get

24:21

him, march on, run down, make him breakfast,

24:24

you know, so he'd get to start the day properly. So I get

24:26

the porridge on the hob, I'm stirring that. And then I see,

24:28

um, got these French windows at

24:30

the sort of side of the house and I see

24:33

Martin is just standing there, um,

24:35

dressed in

24:38

hogball. In association with Hyundai. Paraffinalia

24:40

like a pro hogball. In association with Hyundai. T-shirt,

24:43

um, hogball. In association with Hyundai.

24:46

You know, proper, the shorts you

24:48

have to wear for hogball. In association with Hyundai.

24:51

He's got his hogball. In association with Hyundai.

24:53

Shoes on, he's got hogball. In association with Hyundai.

24:55

Baseball cap. He's, he's looking like, not only is he

24:57

a fan of

24:57

hogball, he's got his ears. He there, but he's there

24:59

in a hogball. In association with Hyundai. Capacity.

25:02

Dad comes downstairs and I'm stirring the porridge

25:05

and dad sort of

25:06

says, oh, hi. And I said, what's

25:08

Martin doing here? And

25:10

dad says, oh, I

25:12

don't know. I'll go and, I'll go and find

25:14

out. And then he goes through, he opens

25:16

the door and Martin is there and say, ah,

25:19

looking forward to this hogball. In association with Hyundai.

25:21

Matt, you're taking me along too.

25:23

And dad, he sort of, you

25:25

know, he huffs, he likes huffing. And he

25:27

says, all

25:30

right, Sandy.

25:32

I told Martin that I would take him to the hogball.

25:34

In association with Hyundai. Match.

25:36

Because that's what I want to do. And

25:38

I would like you to give me that

25:41

ticket that you have now so I can

25:43

give it to Martin because I will never

25:45

love you. And I know that's what you're doing it

25:47

for. I can tell.

25:49

And I would like to enjoy my day

25:51

and not had it marred. And I will say,

25:54

this is what he said, just a little

25:56

bit by your presence, because honestly,

25:59

you can barely.

25:59

make me feel any emotion at

26:02

all. That's what he said. Wow.

26:06

That's an incredibly insensitive thing for someone to say, especially

26:08

to someone who's recently crammed

26:11

their anus full of olives to get these tickets.

26:13

Well, this is when I told them about the olives.

26:15

That's why I said, dad, I put four tins of olives

26:17

up my arsehole to get that ticket so you'd love me. And

26:21

he said, that's

26:24

just the kind of thing I

26:26

would expect you to do.

26:29

And just the sort of reason I have

26:32

for not loving you even at all a little bit.

26:34

Ah, backfired. Yeah.

26:38

Yeah, backfired. Yeah. But to be honest,

26:40

like at that stage, I don't think anything I could have

26:42

said would

26:48

have made him speak differently. I mean, I can't know what's

26:50

in his heart. I don't know if what's in his heart

26:53

is the same as what comes out of his mouth. What I

26:55

did know at that point was there was no fucking

26:57

way I was letting Martin

26:59

having that ticket and I was going to go along out

27:02

of spite. And even if it would

27:04

only upset my dad a little bit, I

27:06

knew it would really get to Martin. And

27:08

he was my friend, remember, he used to be my friend.

27:10

He was my friend until my dad took him from me. Yeah.

27:13

And now it sounds really like your dad

27:15

thinks of him as his son, really. I

27:18

don't know if Martin has a father of his own,

27:20

but he does actually.

27:23

I think my dad maybe does think

27:25

of him

27:26

in a sonlike fashion. Martin,

27:28

I mean, Martin has

27:30

his own biological father, but then just keeps

27:33

collecting

27:34

fathers from the local community. The amount of people

27:36

who treat Martin like a son, it's

27:39

wild. He's got about, I think, 14 or 15 on

27:41

the go at the moment.

27:42

Wow. Almost every 12 out

27:45

of those, yeah, yeah, 12

27:47

out of those 14, 15 fathers have sons. So

27:51

he's kind of like cheating on his real dad with

27:53

some other dads and then he's also cheating on those dads. Is

27:56

it exclusive? Do they know that he's got other dads? I

27:59

mean, it's hard to say.

27:59

his dad doesn't mind about him having other

28:02

dads because his dad's, you know, very sort of

28:05

interesting individual, you know, he's not like a normal

28:07

dad. His dad's long finger Jimmy, you know,

28:09

he's an oddball. Yeah. Right.

28:12

Yeah. Okay.

28:13

Yeah.

28:14

You know, you don't go around collecting

28:17

dads

28:18

for no reason. So your

28:20

dad's, you know, he's got this kind of father-son

28:22

relationship with Martin. Does he realize

28:24

that Martin's doing this all over town? Yeah.

28:27

They've had a lot of conversations about it.

28:29

I hear a lot of conversations in the living room where my

28:31

dad's going, look, I just, I'd rather

28:34

you didn't, you weren't seeing all these other fathers,

28:36

but Martin really like, it's

28:38

funny. He, you watch him just kind of twist it. He's

28:40

very good at those kinds of conversations and

28:43

dad always leaves it saying like, Oh no, no,

28:45

you're right.

28:45

No, you're right. No, please don't, well, don't leave

28:48

me. I need you. No, if you, that's what you need.

28:50

If you need all these other dads, that's fine by me. No,

28:53

I, that's fine by me. Just don't leave me, son.

28:55

Please don't leave me. I won't have anybody

28:58

if you leave me.

28:59

Even though he's got, we've got real size.

29:01

That's quite painful to hear. Yeah. So

29:04

at this point, dad took

29:06

his ticket out of his pocket and

29:09

you could see he'd been doing some thinking. You could see the cogs

29:12

whirring. And he said,

29:16

you've ruined today for me, son.

29:20

And he gave the ticket to Martin.

29:22

And he said, so you can go

29:25

with Martin to this hog

29:27

book in association with Hyundai match, or

29:29

you can give me your ticket.

29:34

But he was quite, he handed it. I mean, I was, I

29:37

don't know. It's the adrenaline. You know, I think I was

29:39

in such a state of heightened emotion.

29:42

The adrenaline rushing through me gave me the speed to

29:44

intersect that ticket. And so I had both tickets

29:46

in my hands and I just

29:49

ran. I just ran. And I said, come

29:51

on, dad, you want to see this? You come

29:53

with me. And I was waiting

29:55

at the gates to the hog ball match. Then not

29:58

really sure if Martin or dad would turn. up

30:00

like which one was going to be there and

30:03

it was dad. It was dad in the end. Because

30:05

ultimately his love for the sport of hogball

30:07

in association with Hyundai trumped his

30:10

antipathy towards you. Yeah,

30:12

yeah. And that's all I'd like

30:14

to say. That's one way of putting it, that

30:16

his love of the sport of hogball in association with Hyundai

30:19

trumped his antipathy towards me. But

30:22

what I would say that like, actually

30:25

he didn't hate me enough to

30:28

not go to the hogball. That's another way

30:31

of looking at it. It

30:34

made me feel quite good. It was like, oh, actually,

30:36

things aren't that bad. There's some hope here.

30:39

He will come.

30:41

He will come. He doesn't dislike

30:43

me enough to not come.

30:45

But he didn't say a word to me.

30:48

He just took the ticket and walked

30:50

in through the turnstiles and I followed and we

30:53

sat next to each other but there was no conversation.

30:56

More after this.

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31:37

At 3pm, with

31:38

both teams poised and ready,

31:40

the umpire's shire horse kicked open the pig trap

31:43

and out thundered the first pig of

31:45

the professional era.

31:47

This was it. Professional hogball,

31:49

in association with Hyundai, was here.

31:54

This epic day, this

31:56

fight, this fray, shall echo

31:58

down the years.

32:00

Lest none forget the blood, the

32:02

sweat, the triumph, and

32:04

the tears. When tales are told

32:07

of legends old where dauntless deeds

32:09

are shared. We blessed

32:12

throng, we happy few, shall

32:14

say, yes,

32:16

we were there. For

32:18

every heartbeat, every point, each

32:21

mighty bovine prance. We heard

32:23

the roar, we felt the blows, each

32:25

thunk twixt pig and lance. Such

32:28

champions of champions in awestruck

32:30

disbelief as thundering forth

32:33

they fiercely fought upon steeds

32:35

of hurtling beef. We

32:38

witnessed the arena where history

32:40

unfolds, this sacred ground,

32:43

yon hallowed turf,

32:45

oh field of pokes and holes.

32:48

Yes, we may say that

32:50

on that day we heeded well

32:53

the call, as praise

32:55

be to Haeundae, we became,

32:58

we saw. HOGBALL!

33:08

Yes,

33:08

it's here at last. The wait is

33:10

over, the anticipations at weeping point and

33:12

human endeavor finally has meaning, as

33:15

HOGBALL GOES PREMIERE! Let

33:18

Hoggary commence as the irresistible force

33:20

of Northampton's lance wizards meets the immovable

33:23

bastards of the South Exeter hoof captains.

33:25

Watch LIVE this Saturday, Saturday, Saturday,

33:27

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday to see these titans

33:29

of the all new HBL give each other HP

33:32

hell in what's already promising to be nothing less

33:34

than one of the most inaugural seasons of

33:36

sport in the history of sport. Experience

33:39

live, lengthy and unrivalledly loud

33:42

coverage with round-the-clock expert analysis

33:44

of each and every upcoming second minute and

33:46

hour of all 487 league games.

33:48

Never ceasing, never sleeping,

33:50

we'll never take our eyes off the pig, ensuring

33:52

you don't miss a single stand, shaking cheer,

33:54

breathtaking punt or heart-stopping

33:56

wink. Will Dokobni's legendary

33:59

lance wizards take the care of the world? or the biscuit? Will

34:01

the hefty hoof captains go home with egg between

34:03

their legs? You'll be there cos we'll be there

34:05

and there's nowhere else to be! You've got

34:07

an appointment with Premier Pick-Punting Destiny,

34:09

and when Lady H.P.L. comes knocking, we

34:12

never pretend we're not in! Just

34:14

grab a snack, sit right back, deny thy father

34:16

and refuse thy name. Empty out your calendars

34:18

till it just says, Hogball! Hogball! Hogball! Hogball! Hogball!

34:20

Hogball! Hogball! Hogball! Hogball! Hogball!

34:23

Hogball! Hogball! Hogball! Hogball! Easter Breakfast Hogball!

34:25

Hogball! Hogball! Hogball! Hogball! Cry

34:28

Hogball and let flip the dog the

34:30

Hogball, which are ten cows and a pig. Yes,

34:32

tune

34:33

in this very Saturday for the

34:35

dawn of a whole new era in sporting

34:37

gamesman's craft. But not at dawn

34:40

though...

34:41

...It's in the Afterloon!

34:44

In association with Hyundai...

34:47

So tell me about the match itself, because

34:49

obviously you went in with this kind of...

34:52

...psycho-drama going on with your father. Yeah,

34:54

that was a difficult... The

34:56

mood was very difficult, like thick,

34:58

the air was thick with it between me and my father. But

35:01

you know, the moment

35:03

that the introductory trumpets played,

35:05

it felt spiritual. Something

35:07

happened that day, there was a grace in it and there was a glory.

35:10

I don't know if the

35:13

clouds opened up and sunlight came through,

35:15

but it's what it felt like. And within about

35:17

like 15... 15? It was so

35:20

short a time. 15 minutes of that glorious

35:22

game beginning and those... That

35:24

sound of those

35:25

hooves thundering around

35:28

and then the smaller clitter-clatter of the

35:30

pigs trotters. Oh

35:32

my God,

35:33

I thought, hang on...

35:36

...has something to chat? And I looked at my dad

35:39

and he looked at me. And

35:41

it was the first time in, I don't know how many years,

35:43

that he made direct eye contact with me. And

35:46

he looked me in the eyes and

35:48

he smiled. Wow.

35:50

And I thought, is he really smiling? It was a bit kind of Mona

35:52

Lisa level to begin with. Mm-hmm.

35:55

He was smiling because those

35:57

corners just kept going up and up and up and his teeth

35:59

came out. out and this is it. Was

36:02

it the clouds opening, the sun coming through? Was

36:04

it my dad finally smiling at me after all this time?

36:06

And then he looked back at the game

36:09

and then he'd look back at me and he'd look between the two

36:11

things and he put his um

36:14

he put his hand just

36:16

on my arm,

36:17

just on my like forearm and

36:20

that meant the world. That's the first time I've um

36:24

that I, you know, he's he's certainly any physical

36:26

um contact

36:29

at all. And

36:31

uh, Sips was a baby maybe

36:33

and then he um I could

36:36

hear just like

36:38

the sort of spittle. His

36:40

mouth was moving in some way and

36:43

I looked closer because I couldn't quite hear it. It was like he was just

36:45

whispering under his breath or not even whispering and

36:47

he was saying,

36:49

sorry son, I'm sorry.

36:52

I'm so sorry.

36:55

You forgive me. And

36:58

I said, dad, of course

37:00

I forgive you. I love you dad.

37:03

And he said, I love

37:05

you too.

37:10

It meant the world.

37:12

It meant more than I can imagine.

37:41

It was a thrilling match as well. It was a really like both

37:43

teams playing at the absolute top

37:45

of the game and it was so close and that like they were at

37:48

each other. They were putting it together.

37:50

It was poetic. It was absolutely beautiful.

37:52

Instant classic. Very different

37:54

styles of play of course that the two teams

37:57

and uh that contrast but also

37:59

So it means that they keep each other in check.

38:03

And then obviously, 15 minutes in, they bring out the new

38:05

pig. And this new pig,

38:07

I had a different

38:09

demeanor. There was something different about him. I

38:12

don't know, a cheekiness, certainly like,

38:14

I

38:15

don't know, his manner was

38:18

exactly the manner that I would think, you know what, this

38:21

is the kind of pig Northampton Lance Wizards know

38:23

how to play. I suppose what people don't realise

38:25

about Hogball is, in association with Hyundai, a

38:28

lot of it depends on the type of pig that you are dealt.

38:32

You know, it's really about who's at

38:35

the gate first and inevitably, that

38:37

will sometimes just be one of the

38:39

faster animals that of course suits Northampton's

38:42

start of play, Exeter. They

38:44

like to control the pace,

38:46

which is obviously,

38:47

as you'll know from your own life,

38:50

that's easier with a smaller pig. They

38:52

like a quick pig, they like a cheeky pig. And

38:55

so now, bang, Mr

38:57

Quick Pig comes out, that wasn't his real name,

38:59

that's just what the Kessin Nick named.

39:01

And they almost

39:04

immediately, god, they were

39:06

melded together, they were like this incredible machine

39:09

and more artistic and beautiful,

39:12

like a wave. They were like a wave, a wave chasing

39:15

this pig. And they got him, my god, they

39:17

got him right down that hole. He went like

39:20

a greased pig.

39:22

It went right down. The

39:24

crowd erupted. We were all

39:26

on our feet outside of the stadium. Dad was on his

39:29

feet. I was on his feet. And before I knew

39:31

it, like,

39:33

I felt this like grip

39:35

around me and I didn't know what it was. And

39:38

I realized why I didn't know what it was because it was my

39:40

dad.

39:43

He was hugging me. He

39:45

was hugging me for maybe the first time in my

39:47

life. He was pulling me so close

39:50

and god, the love I could feel like

39:52

beating through his arms and through his chest, that

39:56

moment meant the world to me. That moment was worth every

39:59

single olive.

40:01

After a thrilling first 40 minutes,

40:03

along came Half Time.

40:06

This was the first one. It was sort of felt by

40:09

those around me, and I'm not a man easily swayed, but

40:11

it was felt by those around me that

40:14

it was necessary to have a sort of half-time show

40:16

and of course the sponsors, they want to get

40:18

involved. It's an opportunity

40:21

for Duchovny. I don't want to say showboat, but

40:23

also to get involved

40:25

and quite a basic format. Hyundai,

40:28

they've got a lot of new products. They wanted

40:31

to show these off to these 200,000

40:34

fans. Of course, don't forget the whole thing's live on YouTube,

40:36

so an infinite number of people could be watching.

40:40

So basically a convoy

40:42

of new Hyundai

40:44

products, many of them electric vehicles,

40:47

I'm obliged to point out, and

40:50

they paraded in

40:53

convoy around the stage. The

40:55

final Hyundai comes out and everyone's

40:57

like, who's that?

41:01

Is that David? And it was, it was David Duchovny.

41:03

Everyone's going crazy because everyone knows the history. Everyone

41:06

knows what he's done, how he is responsible

41:09

for this sport reaching the heights

41:11

that it's reached. At that point,

41:13

I'm thrilled. My dad's thrilled. He turns

41:15

to me and says, is that David Duchovny? And I say,

41:18

I think that's David Duchovny.

41:20

At this point, we're pretty sure it's David Duchovny. And

41:22

it was David Duchovny.

41:27

So then David Duchovny gets out

41:30

this t-shirt cannon. People

41:32

love t-shirts, especially projectile

41:35

ones that are fired at you from a distance by

41:38

a former star of the X-Files.

41:40

And people are clamouring. People are

41:43

clamouring as soon as they realise it's a t-shirt cannon,

41:45

they're there and they are over here, David,

41:47

that sort of

41:49

stuff. And that's wild. Like he is,

41:52

he, he, he really wants a, a

41:55

hog book in association with Hyundai t-shirt.

41:57

Like he's never wanted anything more.

41:59

He's holding my hand, he grabs my hand with

42:02

his right hand and with his left one he's punching the

42:04

air and he's going I want one David.

42:06

Give it to me David. I want one David

42:08

so loud I've never heard him or any

42:10

human actually like carry his voice carries and

42:12

I watch as David O'Conley He

42:15

is my dad and looks at the direction he's heard.

42:18

And bearing in mind He you know your father is one

42:20

of 200,000 people. One of 200,000 people. And David O'Conley can

42:22

pick out his voice. Pick

42:24

out his voice from hundreds of

42:26

meters away. It's it's extraordinary and

42:29

I'll never forget the moment

42:29

that like David's eyes just swiveled

42:33

Look straight at my dad. It's electric

42:37

So to Cofney finger on the trigger

42:40

gets ready to fire. It was t-shirt time And

42:43

I want to kind of in my heart. I want to keep that

42:45

moment alive that moment

42:47

when everything you know was full of hope and full of joy

42:49

and Of

42:52

course it was on the t-shirt that David to

42:54

Cofney shot at my father I

42:59

What I didn't realize and I was not alone

43:02

with these cannons they weren't loaded

43:04

with t-shirts actually what they've

43:06

been pre-loaded with is And

43:10

I can understand where they were going with this hot

43:13

beef ribs now a

43:16

hot beef rib and These

43:19

things have been on the grill for you know, it's proper

43:21

sort of Southern barbecue style

43:23

cooking so, you know upwards of 10 11 hours

43:26

something like that they are They are

43:28

they're seriously hot Now

43:31

this is obviously going through various

43:34

legal things at the moment, so We

43:37

have to be careful with the language we're going to use here. I

43:41

Don't think we can say that your father was shot

43:43

by David Duchovny

43:45

right He Happened

43:48

to fire a t-shirt cannon in

43:51

the direction of your father. We say shot at

43:53

by David Duchovny I'll

43:55

have to run that by the lawyers. I think it

43:58

just to cover ourselves at this stage going to say that

44:01

David Duchovny gifted something

44:03

to your father at high speed. Uh-huh. Okay,

44:06

well look, what I can say, and you can

44:08

check this with your lawyers, is that David

44:10

Duchovny

44:11

pulled a trigger

44:13

and my father ended up with a hot

44:15

beef rib

44:17

in his eye socket. It became apparent

44:19

that this was an idea that had not been thought

44:22

through at all well and,

44:25

you know, if I had less on my plate, I probably wouldn't have signed

44:27

it off.

44:28

I'm not here to defend David Duchovny, but

44:31

his people are saying that he was, you know, understandably

44:34

overtaken by the mood of the day. You talk about this

44:36

incredible mood that's created by the sport, your father's

44:40

attitude to you changing. It was

44:42

a sort of space in which right

44:44

was wrong and up was down. Do you know what I mean? There

44:46

was a reckless mood to proceedings. Yeah. Yeah.

44:49

A sort of midsummer

44:52

Saturnalia was happening in that

44:54

stadium, that's true. But

44:59

we were all carried along

45:01

by the mood. We were all carried along by the festivity.

45:04

Not many of us,

45:06

in fact, I can only think of one person in that

45:08

stadium who did,

45:10

not many of us shot

45:13

an innocent man through the eye with a hot beef rib.

45:16

Okay, I'm just going to get you to Rick,

45:17

saying

45:19

that he was shot

45:21

with a beef rib, if you can put that in more legally

45:24

neutral language, that'd be helpful, I think. Not many

45:26

of us

45:27

in that stadium, in fact, I can only think of one

45:30

person

45:31

gifted

45:33

a hot beef rib

45:35

to my father

45:36

through his eye.

45:39

These things were just showering down on people. And,

45:41

you know, eventually you realize, hang on a

45:43

minute, this isn't cheering. This is

45:45

something else. No, this is screaming.

45:48

Hot beef ribs are

45:49

showering down upon these

45:51

tens of thousands of people at a time. And,

45:54

you know, some of them are understandably in

45:57

agony. There were people's... Lungs

46:00

being punctured by ribs that were not their own, which

46:03

I think is unusual How is

46:05

your father? He?

46:07

He survived the gifting

46:09

but the hot fast gifting. Yep.

46:11

He's he's he's he survived it But

46:15

he's lost the sight in one eye and that's a really

46:17

sad thing to have happened to him because if

46:19

there's one thing he loves nearly as much as hogball, it's

46:22

3d cinema and He was so excited.

46:24

Yeah, and he's so excited now that

46:27

you know

46:28

James Cameron's brought that back with the new avatar

46:30

film and there's hopefully going to be a new resurgence

46:32

of it and he's like Oh, no, I can't

46:35

watch that and I can't enjoy it because well

46:37

There's three more avatar sequels to come exactly

46:40

and he's not going to be able to enjoy those when they come out

46:42

in the same Way because he won't be able to experience

46:44

the 3d magic because those glasses just won't work

46:46

when you're blind in one eye

46:48

Do you not think though that if you are a?

46:51

self Professor fan

46:53

of James Cameron is something to enjoy just

46:55

in the story and no in fact, he's

46:57

always been very specific He hates the

46:59

the movies. He just loves the experience

47:02

So there's nothing in the story of of Pandora

47:05

You know a threat from the

47:07

humans. Mm-hmm No,

47:09

I agree. I that doesn't resonate with him. No,

47:11

I mean I agree. I think it's a very moving

47:13

story I think it's beautiful film, but not dad.

47:16

He doesn't term he like

47:20

One of them came on streaming and so

47:22

we watched a while back This is before he lost his

47:24

eye We watched like 10 minutes of it not

47:26

in 3d and 10 minutes in he just

47:28

got up and said come on Martin I'm not watching this shit

47:33

But eventually order was restored and You

47:37

know once they'd cooled down actually they were

47:39

they were delicious They'd as I

47:41

say they'd been on a long time. It's as a lovely

47:43

long slow cook, of course And they've got this wonderful.

47:46

They're giving us a wonderful rub beforehand and then

47:49

this extra excellent sort of big

47:51

watch we might start you know selling

47:53

it just by a merce is wonderful to the rich gravy

47:56

and You know

47:58

there was there was a lot of ribs go round. So

48:01

I think once the worst affected

48:03

had been ambulance from

48:05

the ground, everyone just ate

48:07

the ribs that had

48:09

been gifted them. And there was actually a sort of wonderful

48:12

sort of sense of sort of community

48:14

about it and realizing actually

48:17

these people here are all united by one thing

48:19

and

48:20

it's a love of our curiosity

48:23

for Hogwarts. In association with Hyundai.

48:25

And a desire to eat as much slow

48:28

cooked beef rib

48:29

as possible. I think it was enjoyed just

48:31

as much by the by the Exeter lot. And

48:36

again, if we do this again, we will certainly

48:39

make sure there's more napkins.

48:43

We actually asked your father if he would like to appear on this

48:45

program. He turned us down. Right. Well,

48:50

he actually asked whether he said

48:52

he would be on it only if he could do it with Martin.

48:54

Yeah. That

48:57

doesn't surprise me. Our relationship

48:59

is soured. He

49:03

sort of blames me, I think, for what

49:07

happened to him that day, even though he was the one

49:09

who was yelling

49:11

for that T-shirt, yelling,

49:13

screaming like the veins were pulsing in his

49:15

neck. But for me,

49:18

I'll always have the memory of when he hugged

49:21

me for the first time in my life

49:25

and what now looks like probably

49:27

the only time, if I'm honest.

49:31

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Sandy. Very

49:34

very much. I wish you the best. I

49:36

hope you and your father can find a way through this. Yeah.

49:39

Right.

49:41

If you can just forward on the stuff from Longfinger Jimmy,

49:44

does he just do it by text or is it? Oh,

49:47

like does he need to be there when I do

49:49

the slamming or can I just do it on my camera phone and send

49:51

him it? He will want, he's

49:53

happy with the video, but it has to be verified

49:56

by someone he trusts. So you'll

49:58

have to, you know, it depends what you'll know. location is,

50:01

Longfinger Jimmy has people

50:05

everywhere. Oh, right. Okay.

50:07

So he'll kind of send the kind of

50:09

adjudicator like the Guinness Book of Records. Yeah,

50:11

absolutely. Just like the Book of Records. Go with the clipboard.

50:14

Yeah, they do have a clipboard. You'll have a clipboard.

50:16

Some of them aren't as dependable as Longfinger Jimmy, so you could

50:18

find yourself slamming your penis in a car door

50:20

and the guy saying, didn't see it, do it again.

50:24

Do you have

50:26

like any tips for how I make sure that doesn't happen? Because

50:28

I just think

50:30

I don't, I certainly have the fortune to do it once.

50:32

I think a second time is going

50:35

to be too much of a personal

50:37

challenge for me. You

50:38

know, which actually maybe

50:41

I'll be able to prove something to myself

50:45

about my own personal metal,

50:47

you know, a bit like finishing

50:50

a marathon or something.

50:52

But then on the other hand, when I think about it, I think,

50:55

do I want to repeatedly slam my penis

50:57

in a car door? Oh,

51:01

there's only one answer, isn't there? Hop on

51:03

the train, go to the source itself, slam

51:06

your penis in a car door in front of Longfinger

51:08

Jimmy. That's the only way to be sure. Okay.

51:12

Well, thank you, Sandy. And I

51:14

wish you all the best. Yeah, I wish you all the best and good luck with your

51:17

penis.

51:18

And I hear Jesse Boyce is a great show. It

51:20

is good. No, it is good. And

51:23

I'm looking forward to it. Yeah.

51:27

Take your mind off your penis.

51:33

Following the scores of punctu wounds caused

51:35

by Duchovny's halftime rib gifting spree,

51:37

the rest of the hog ball in association with Hyundai

51:40

season has been postponed pending an investigation.

51:43

I asked William whether he thought we'd

51:45

see any more hog ball in association with Hyundai

51:48

this year. It's an unknown, isn't it?

51:50

I'm very optimistic. Obviously, we've got a

51:52

fixture list. We've got 20 franchises. We've

51:55

got 20 stadiums. We've got Duchovny, for

51:57

heaven's sake. I

51:58

think people... of focus

52:02

rather too much on what went on at half time and not enough

52:04

on the 40 minutes of actually gripping action that we've

52:07

seen so far, which I have no doubt

52:09

will be overshadowed by further fixtures in

52:13

the future. Well, thank you

52:15

very much, William Hester. Thank

52:18

you.

52:19

A big thank you to William Hester

52:21

and to Sandy Willis for those interviews. HBO

52:24

matches remain suspended. However,

52:27

if you hold tickets to any upcoming fixture,

52:29

if you turn up to the stadium, events are

52:31

taking place in lieu of the sport. So

52:34

for example, if you were due to go and see the Doncaster

52:36

Ballblasters versus Aylesbury Hogball, Aylesbury,

52:39

in association with Hyundai, at the Ed Miliband

52:41

Stadium in Doncaster next week, David Duchovny

52:43

will be doing a live one-man performance

52:46

of the film Beethoven, with him playing

52:48

all the parts, including Beethoven the Dog.

52:51

The press release here says that dogs are

52:53

welcome, especially if they can catch

52:55

a flying beef rib. There

52:58

goes the sound of a man who hasn't learned

53:00

his lesson.

53:02

So that's all we have time for this month,

53:04

but if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to

53:06

our website now where you'll find all the usual

53:08

stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where

53:11

this month the cast of Australian soap opera neighbors

53:14

tell us their best ways for getting out

53:16

stubborn stains.

53:18

So until next time, beef

53:21

out.

53:24

Hogball! In association

53:26

with Hyundai. Thanks

53:31

to John Luke Roberts, Miles Japp and

53:33

Greg Johnson. And just before I go, news

53:36

of a new live show.

53:39

It's the usual annual London

53:41

Podcast Festival

53:42

date. We'll be recording episode 101

53:46

of the podcast, and

53:48

you could be there. I'll put a link

53:51

to tickets in the show notes. It's

53:53

on the 16th of September

53:55

at 2pm in Kings

53:57

Cross in London.

54:00

London. And

54:03

A, these shows tend to be really good fun, and

54:05

B, they do tend to sell out. So if you want

54:07

to be there,

54:08

it's worth getting a ticket.

54:10

Also, if you're not able to be there in person, we

54:12

are selling, we are doing a live stream

54:14

so you can buy live stream tickets for the show.

54:17

And if you're in a different time zone, and for

54:19

that reason, it's not a good time for

54:21

you to watch the recording of the show,

54:24

then for

54:24

anyone with streaming tickets will be available

54:26

for I think a week afterwards, or maybe five days.

54:29

I can't remember either five days or

54:31

a week.

54:31

Anyway, time for you to watch it. So yes,

54:34

short recap. If

54:35

you want to come, tickets are available. If you can't

54:37

come, but you want to watch it,

54:38

live stream tickets are also available.

54:41

Thanks for listening. Bye. All

54:44

right, class. Tomorrow's exam will cover the extinction

54:47

and de-extinction of the dodo, PowerPoint

54:49

as an art form and the history of Eurovision.

54:51

Any questions? Yes, you in the back.

54:53

What is this? It's

54:55

the podcast Let's Learn Everything,

54:58

where we learn about science and a bit of everything

55:00

else. My name's Tom,

55:01

I studied cognitive and computer science, but

55:03

I'll also be your teacher for intermediate emojis.

55:06

My name's Caroline and I did my Masters in biodiversity

55:09

conservation, and I'll be teaching you intro

55:11

to things the British Museum stole. My name's Ella,

55:13

I did a PhD in stem cell biology. So

55:15

obviously, I'll be teaching you the history

55:17

of fan fiction. Class meets every other Thursday

55:20

on Maximum Fun. So do I still get credit

55:22

for this? No,

55:26

obviously not. No, it's a podcast.

55:29

Hey, let

55:31

us guess. You love books, but

55:33

wish you had more time to read. Or

55:35

maybe you used to read a lot, but life has

55:38

gotten in the way, kids, grad school, you name

55:40

it. Maybe you don't know where to start and

55:42

bookish social media is overwhelming. How

55:45

do people on TikTok read so many books? Oh

55:47

my God, I don't know. And maybe

55:49

even reading the same book for six months and now

55:51

it's permanently attached to your bedside

55:53

table. Maybe you don't even know

55:56

what you like to read anymore. We're

55:58

reading glasses and don't worry,

55:59

we We'll get you back

56:01

into reading and help you enjoy books again.

56:04

Reading Glasses, every week on Maximum Fun.