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Hello, and welcome to the Beef and

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1:04

Now, this

1:04

month's episode is about the esteemed position

1:07

of the man at beef, the personal

1:09

beef sommelier to the King or Queen

1:12

of the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth realms.

1:15

To hear more about this most prestigious

1:17

of positions, I spoke to Friend

1:19

of the Show, Professor James Harkam. Hello,

1:22

I'm Professor James Harkam, and I'm Professor

1:24

of History at the Wisconsin Cattle College

1:26

of the Internet.

1:33

The role of the man at beef is a very ancient role.

1:35

It dates back as far as the Norman Conquest in 1066,

1:38

something that was brought over by the

1:41

Normans, whose nobility always had

1:43

a personal beef sommelier. Their

1:45

great love of beef, of course, even stretches

1:48

as far as giving us the word beef, which

1:50

comes from the Norman French, le beau oeuf,

1:53

or the beautiful egg, which the Normans

1:55

themselves foolishly believed that all

1:57

good cattle were born from.

2:01

The manate beef succeeding from the

2:03

Sargentate beef, of course, came

2:06

from those Norman noble

2:08

houses of course, every castle,

2:11

every great hall, every lord

2:13

would have had his own beef sommelier, but the

2:16

one who was in personal attendance to the king would

2:18

have been that which was acknowledged as having

2:21

the greatest palate for beef, a

2:23

tongue who could identify the individual,

2:26

what we would now know as

2:28

tannins and enzymes that

2:30

give beef its rich deliciousness but

2:32

which at the time would have been interpreted as

2:34

a form of benign witchcraft. I mean there's also

2:37

a kind of spiritual edge, you can't just

2:39

reduce it down to tannins and enzymes and chemicals,

2:41

there's something more than that isn't there? Oh of course,

2:43

yes absolutely, the spiritual

2:46

dimension to beef I think has been recognised

2:49

since time immemorial, but certainly

2:51

in the period that we're discussing we have to understand

2:53

that that the interplay between

2:56

church and state then was quite fluid.

2:58

Bishop Odo, the right-hand

3:00

man of William the Conqueror was himself

3:02

a practicing bishop and

3:04

as such was entitled to ride a

3:06

cow into battle. And so the

3:08

role then of the manate beef at this stage

3:11

is almost as much a religious one as

3:13

a civic one?

3:15

That's right, yes, it's a form of communion between

3:17

beef, between God, between the king

3:20

and his people. The ability to select

3:22

the prime cuts of beef was perhaps

3:25

the highest honour and indeed I think

3:28

as you can we know from lists of

3:30

orders of precedence at the court of

3:32

Richard II, in fact many

3:35

menate beef were paid more than the Archbishop

3:37

of Canterbury and were in fact allowed to sit

3:39

in his seat on special days. The

3:42

next big development in the role of

3:44

the manate beef is in the mid 1800s where

3:46

suddenly there's a huge

3:48

change and the manate beef who used to be

3:51

a loyal British subject was now an

3:53

American. Can you explain what happened there?

3:56

So what we're dealing with here is a situation

3:59

where by the mid 1800s, it's

4:02

become imperative to find a kind of diplomatic

4:05

solution to the tensions between

4:08

Britain and the United States. And

4:11

it was ultimately decided that the manate

4:13

beef would be provided to

4:15

the British Monokiepa by the President

4:17

of the United States himself as a sort of diplomatic

4:20

gift. I see, I see.

4:22

And with the manate beef being sent over by the President,

4:25

did we send anything in return? Yes.

4:27

We really must understand this as a form

4:29

of diplomatic interchange. And

4:31

just as the President of the United States

4:34

takes great care when selecting

4:36

the manate beef who will eventually

4:39

be sent to represent their nation

4:41

at the British Royal Court.

4:44

So we, in our turn, have

4:46

carefully selected a number

4:48

of our finest minds, usually

4:51

in the field of entertainment, of course,

4:52

to go to

4:55

America and to work with them

4:57

as part of that diplomatic process

5:00

of building goodwill. Think of

5:02

Cary Grant, Stan Laurel, the Osborns,

5:06

and of course in more recent years, the creative

5:08

team behind the HBO

5:11

hit show Succession. British

5:13

writers really will put a shift in

5:15

for you if you want to eradicate

5:18

any trace of hope or

5:20

optimism from your work. Of

5:23

course, also we

5:23

sent over James Corden. Yes,

5:27

again, a diplomatic misstep that may

5:29

take centuries to undo.

5:33

Now, you'll have to forgive me

5:36

for reminding you that it has now been 10 months since

5:38

the death of Her Majesty

5:40

the Queen, Elizabeth II. Not

5:42

just the greatest monarch that this nation

5:45

has ever had,

5:46

but also a patron of this very podcast. Indeed,

5:49

throughout the 1990s, she often wrote into

5:51

the show using a pseudonym, Babbs

5:54

Rascal. And who can forget

5:56

the time she came to the annual British

5:58

Beef Council Dinner and Barn Dung. dance, in disguise

6:01

as Babs. Of course, we

6:03

all saw through the disguise, quite literally,

6:06

given that all she was wearing was a fishnet, mesh

6:08

sequined bikini and cowboy boots. But

6:11

you know what?

6:12

What burst through the gaps in the fishnet,

6:15

more than anything else,

6:17

was dignity. Her

6:20

Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was a constant

6:22

source of strength for the British public,

6:24

loved since before she became Queen for

6:26

her service during the Second World War, where

6:29

she climbed into a German machine gun emplacement

6:32

and beheaded four SS officers with

6:34

just a bottle opener. Following her

6:36

coronation in 1953, the Queen

6:38

was a constant public advocate for beef,

6:41

and many of you will remember her making public

6:43

appearances with her men at beef at

6:45

her side. First of all, Sir Django Hardy

6:48

until 1992, and then Sir

6:50

Robert Battlebus. And this month

6:53

I had the great pleasure to interview

6:54

Sir Robert. Hello,

6:57

my name is Sir Robert Battlebus, and

6:59

I was Queen Elizabeth II's man

7:02

at beef.

7:03

Sir Robert, thank you so much for coming

7:05

on the show. It's a great privilege to talk

7:07

to someone who has worked in such close quarters

7:10

with Her Majesty the Queen. It was my

7:12

privilege as well as my pleasure. When

7:15

the previous man at beef, Sir Django Hardy, stepped

7:17

down in 1992, the next man at

7:19

beef was of course chosen by the American

7:21

President George H.W. Bush. I

7:24

started by asking Robert how he came to

7:26

be on Bush's radar.

7:29

My father, Lucas Battlebus,

7:32

knew George H.W.

7:34

Bush from their Skull and Bones days

7:37

at Yale. And

7:39

they kept in close contact. And of course, when

7:42

President Bush was the head of the CIA,

7:45

he would come over to our house all the time.

7:47

And I called him Uncle George. And he

7:50

was just a wonderful man. And he would share with us

7:52

just all kinds of secrets that

7:56

we probably in retrospect had

7:58

no business knowing.

7:59

know, there's a certain Ivy

8:02

League understanding that you don't,

8:04

if you're told something that is potentially

8:07

harmful to the

8:09

nation or humanity, you

8:11

can't tell the secret. And if you do, it is frowned

8:14

upon and they will find you. So

8:16

they might say to you, for example, hey, guess

8:19

what? Fidel Castro is still alive.

8:21

We bribed him to fake his own death and he now lives in

8:23

Florida and works as a Fidel Castro

8:26

lookalike. Why are

8:28

you,

8:29

where did you get that very specific

8:31

example? You hear things on the grapevine. On

8:34

the grapevine. Also, when

8:36

you replied to my email, it's actually

8:38

part of your email footer. It's

8:40

got your name and your phone number with a link to your website

8:42

and then it has a little section with a number of what

8:44

you describe as fun facts and state secrets.

8:47

Oh, you know what? That's on me. I

8:50

forgot to change that. That was a thing when

8:52

I first got email. I

8:54

thought it was fun to have a footer and then I realized

8:56

it's not really a thing that people do anymore, but I just haven't

8:59

bothered to change

9:01

it. I also probably shouldn't have an AOL address anymore,

9:05

if it ain't broke. But apparently

9:07

it is broke because I should not have that as my footer.

9:09

Yeah, but that's a lie though, isn't it?

9:12

Because in the footer, there's

9:14

a section with all the fun state secrets and there's the Fidel

9:17

Castro one and there's the one about how Hawaii

9:19

isn't real and there's one about how Jimmy Carter's

9:21

peanut farm was actually growing alien eggs. And

9:24

then there's a little gif, which is one

9:26

of the minions. Right.

9:29

Winking.

9:30

Now, when you first started

9:32

your AOL email address,

9:34

the minions wouldn't have been out yet.

9:36

So you couldn't have had a gif of one of the

9:38

minions back then. Well, they weren't

9:41

out to the general public, no.

9:44

Oh, I see. They were CIA thing. That's

9:46

your words. So

9:48

you're telling me that George Bush Sr. as the head of

9:50

the CIA came up with the idea of the minions? I'm

9:56

not saying that specifically. I am

9:58

saying that. This is the most

10:00

that I can tell you is that

10:03

I have seen minions and been delighted

10:06

by them many

10:08

years before they hit the big screen.

10:10

— Wow. — That's as far as

10:12

I could go.

10:15

— Sir Robert's got the job of Queen Elizabeth's Man

10:17

at Beef when his predecessor, Sir Django

10:19

Hardy, decided to step down from the role

10:22

in 1992. However,

10:24

stepping down from the job isn't simple.

10:27

Most men at beef will continue in the role

10:30

until either their own death or the death of

10:32

their monarch, but if a man at beef

10:34

wishes to retire, they may do so on

10:37

the condition that they are then executed

10:39

by the Pope, which hints at that

10:41

religious significance that existed in the medieval

10:44

era.

10:44

I've really looked into this and

10:46

I've gone back into the archives

10:49

here, the Vatican, the

10:51

Library of Congress, the works of Dan Brown,

10:54

and the one thing that really stands out, I think,

10:57

is how much the Pope enjoys

10:59

it when they get a chance. It's

11:02

a day out and, you know, at

11:04

the end of the day, it's something different for

11:06

them.

11:07

— He threw that switch with

11:09

gusto. — So,

11:12

Sir Robert, you and the Queen witnessed the

11:15

execution of your predecessor by

11:18

the Pope.

11:18

He was in charge of the meat grinder, which

11:21

made such quick work of Sir

11:23

Django. It's been written that

11:25

your

11:26

close relationship with the Queen was really cemented

11:28

there at that early stage when, you

11:31

know, the fact that you both had to watch this happen

11:33

kind

11:33

of brought you closer in a way.

11:37

— Oh, more than in a way.

11:39

Some of the blood got on us and I

11:42

remember brushing some blood off myself

11:44

and she was doing the same, and then our hands

11:47

sort of glanced against each other. And

11:49

then just very briefly,

11:52

and I want to stress this very briefly because

11:54

this was not a

11:55

breach of protocol. This was just

11:58

a purely human — moment.

12:00

And although

12:03

Her Majesty's blood was

12:05

filled with the Divine, she was still

12:07

a person in some way. And

12:10

when our hands touched, we did squeeze

12:12

hands. And then we both, we giggled a

12:14

little bit and we made eye contact.

12:17

I immediately averted my eyes. And

12:19

she gave my hand

12:21

one final squeeze zip to say, it's all right that you looked

12:23

at me that time. And from

12:26

then on, we were, I

12:29

want to say friends.

12:31

That sounds like a really special memory for you.

12:33

It almost feels like a betrayal to

12:36

put this image in people's minds. But if you can imagine

12:39

Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II and I

12:43

laying on the floor of

12:45

her bedroom, just

12:48

helplessly laughing till tears run down our

12:50

faces as corgis are jumping

12:52

on us, over us, licking us. That

12:55

is a day that I

12:56

will treasure forever until I'm executed.

12:59

ALICE

13:10

And

13:25

just to explain, of course, back

13:27

in the day when that was happening, when they were first

13:36

given the name, it was thought, scientifically,

13:38

we now know it was wrong, that ravens were a kind

13:40

of flying small cow, basically,

13:42

because they're so intelligent. ALICE

13:44

Yes. And they thought that the

13:46

raven's beak, it's such

13:49

a very specific

13:51

looking and fearsome beak, they thought it was

13:53

a horn, like just a single horn that was growing

13:55

out of the little cow's head

13:58

right in the front there. ALICE And you kind of course...

13:59

milk a crow. You can.

14:02

And the thing is, crows are very smart, so

14:04

they will remember the face of someone

14:07

who has milked them. And depending

14:09

on how much they enjoyed or did not

14:12

enjoy the experience, they

14:14

can either reward you for the rest of your life,

14:16

or they can punish you every day. If

14:19

they liked your milking, they can bring

14:21

you coins, they can bring you jewels,

14:24

they can bring you- The eye of an enemy. Exactly,

14:27

the eye of an enemy or a nice belt. And if

14:30

they don't like you, they can bring

14:32

you coins, but from another country.

14:34

And so you can't use them. They'll

14:36

bring you the eye of a friend. They'll bring you

14:38

not a great belt, or

14:41

like a nice belt that doesn't fit. So

14:44

you're wearing the kind of beefy to style outfit. People

14:47

will probably know what that looks like. You've got

14:49

the rough, kind of the red tunic,

14:51

the hats. But of course it's all leather

14:53

for the Manate beef. So it's the same exact

14:56

outfit except black leather. And

14:59

it is as

14:59

warm as you would imagine inside

15:02

that thing. And especially when you put the leather

15:04

hat on, you're talking

15:06

about a huge

15:09

heat tolerance that is required for this

15:11

job. And of course when you started, that

15:13

leather had taken on the shape of Sir

15:15

Jango Hardy.

15:17

Absolutely. As leather does, it conforms to the body

15:19

that's in it. Yes. Like

15:21

the kind of bun groove that can appear in a

15:23

leather sofa after you've been using it for a few years. Exactly.

15:25

That's correct. That's one of the reasons you would sleep in the

15:28

uniform is to get it to conform

15:30

to your shape. And it takes decades.

15:34

Well, as you say, you'd set your alarm for two minutes

15:36

before the queen was due to rise. You'd be in your leather

15:38

outfit. Yes. What happens once the alarm

15:40

goes off?

15:41

I stand outside her Majesty's

15:43

door

15:44

and I wait for her to appear. And

15:46

this could take five minutes.

15:49

It could take hours. I mean, if she's, if

15:51

she's feeling like having a bit of a lay in

15:54

and she just wants to, you know,

15:56

read the paper or scroll through

15:58

Twitter or whatever.

15:59

She was a huge Reddit user, I believe.

16:02

She loved Reddit. She lurked. She

16:04

lurked, but she did have a burner

16:06

account that she would comment on things. She

16:09

loved the Romancing the Stone series of movies.

16:12

Romancing the Stone and the second one. The

16:14

title escapes me now, but she would search

16:18

Reddit for people talking about those

16:20

movies, and there's not as many forums

16:22

dedicated to it as one might

16:24

like. But if anyone said anything

16:26

negative about it, she would get in there, and

16:29

she would just destroy

16:31

that person. It gave

16:32

her great pleasure to do that.

16:34

Anyway, so I would wait outside

16:36

the door. As she would emerge,

16:39

I would be standing against the wall, and when

16:41

I heard the door click open, I

16:44

would immediately swivel around so that I was

16:46

facing the door, as if I'm barring

16:48

her way, but I'm not. And

16:51

in my hand is a bullion

16:53

cube, and I say, Good morning,

16:56

Your Majesty. And she would say, Good

16:58

morning, Sir Robert, or Good morning, Bobby, whatever she called

17:00

me. And she would pop that in and

17:02

just crunch, crunch, crunch. And that was the

17:04

start of her day. That was her first encounter

17:06

with beef. And it's, you know,

17:10

there are, of course, breakfast meats, but you don't

17:12

want to give anyone a cube

17:14

of raw meat first thing in the morning.

17:16

That's something you have to work your way up to. And

17:20

that she would go from cooked meat to raw

17:22

meat over the course of the day.

17:26

Let's talk then about your friendship again, because

17:29

you started in 1992. And by the late 90s,

17:33

the tabloid press began

17:36

to ask questions about your relationship with the Queen. And

17:39

there was a sense, wasn't there, that people thought that maybe

17:41

you had too much power because of your relationship

17:43

to the Queen, your proximity to power.

17:46

I remember, for example, back in 2004, I think it

17:48

was the Royal Navy named

17:51

a battleship after you, HMS

17:53

Battle Bus. Yeah. And people

17:55

started to think, well, you know,

17:56

why is she naming some

17:59

of our.

17:59

greatest military hardware after this

18:02

guy who's just giving her beef every day? Well,

18:04

I mean, okay, there's

18:06

a couple things there. Number one, that

18:08

was the queen's prerogative, to name

18:11

that cruiser after me. And

18:14

it was her way of honoring

18:17

me. If you ask me, I'm

18:19

not a fan of boats. So it wasn't the

18:21

hugest honor, but it's not something I asked

18:23

her to do. My dream

18:25

was always to have a car named after me and

18:27

to create my own car.

18:29

And I did try to build a car

18:32

once, and it was very frustrating. I bought

18:35

four tires, and

18:38

I thought I would just instinctively know what

18:40

to get next.

18:42

And I didn't.

18:45

I didn't. And it was very frustrating because I put the

18:48

four tires in place where a car tires would

18:50

be. And I would

18:52

look at it every day and say, what

18:55

connects these?

18:58

What goes on next?

19:01

Because I did find a

19:04

roof of a car at the dump.

19:07

And so I had that sort of in the middle.

19:11

This is always very short. It

19:14

just strikes me that you're telling me this

19:16

shanky dog story about you trying to make a car

19:19

as a way to deflect from the fact that

19:22

what I'm asking about, which is the fact that a battleship

19:24

was named after you. Okay. That's

19:27

fair. And- Because

19:30

you can correct me if I'm wrong, but you were about to tell that

19:33

story, but going through every single part

19:35

that goes into making a car, right? Yes,

19:37

I was.

19:39

You've got me there.

19:40

And that would take hours.

19:41

Oh, at least. And

19:44

I was willing to- I'll

19:46

be honest. I was willing to wait you out on this recording

19:48

and just keep talking.

19:50

You were essentially going to filibuster the

19:52

whole podcast, right?

19:54

Yeah. I was going to see if- I could tell it

19:56

was going to happen. Okay. Well, good for you

19:58

and congratulations. You're

20:00

a regular Colombo. Well, let's move on

20:03

because I've got some other papers here from

20:06

the archive. This

20:07

is a quote from the Daily Mail back

20:11

in 2005. Not only does Sir Robert feed

20:13

beef into her mouth, he pours poison

20:15

into her ear. The Daily

20:18

Mirror wrote, the power behind the throne is the

20:20

American citizen Robert Battlebus, who

20:23

last year begged the Queen to give her a sense

20:25

of the execution of his brother, Chudley.

20:28

Okay.

20:30

There's of course a grain of truth

20:32

in a lot of that, but it's surrounded

20:35

by a tissue of

20:38

untruths. Yes, I did

20:40

ask the Queen if she would execute

20:42

my brother. No, she

20:44

did not do it.

20:46

Yes, he did end up being executed.

20:49

No, I did not do it.

20:51

Yes, it was someone the Queen asked to

20:53

execute him. So I think

20:56

that, did

20:58

I ask the Queen to execute my brother

21:01

is not quite the same as my brother was executed

21:03

by someone the Queen asked to execute my brother.

21:05

Do

21:05

you see? I think this

21:08

is my think you're splitting hairs there to be

21:10

honest. I don't see that at

21:12

all because she

21:15

trusted me

21:17

to be someone who

21:20

would always have a little bit of meat

21:23

that she could put in her mouth,

21:24

no matter where we were.

21:26

She trusted me to know which

21:28

cuts of meat were the best for her.

21:30

She also trusted me to

21:33

be a silent witness

21:36

to whatever she needed to express.

21:38

If she needed to blow off some steam, if she needed to

21:41

scream or yell or kick the wall, I

21:43

was there

21:44

and she knew that I

21:47

would listen without judgment

21:49

and would always say

21:51

something encouraging if she needed it.

21:54

So for me to ask favors

21:56

of her, will you name this ship after me? Will

21:58

you kill my brother? It's not

22:01

quite that cut and dried. You know,

22:03

next to her majesty. Okay, I understand

22:05

this. It feels like you're

22:07

kind of doing the filibuster thing again because you're

22:09

aware what I'm going to ask next, right?

22:11

So- I have no idea.

22:13

I have no idea what you're going to ask. Okay, the obvious next question is,

22:15

okay, fine. You wanted the big

22:17

ship named after you.

22:19

Well, that's what happened. Do

22:21

you deny or can

22:23

you accept that the fact that the

22:25

first mission that that boat went on

22:28

was to sail across the Atlantic

22:30

to South Carolina where your brother lives and fire

22:32

upon his home

22:33

had something to do with what you wanted

22:36

to

22:37

happen? I do not deny

22:39

that those events took place. I

22:41

am not in any position, nor was

22:44

I ever to order

22:46

one of her majesty ships to

22:48

fire on the United States. So

22:51

you're saying that the, are you saying that the queen independently

22:53

decided to get

22:54

the Royal Navy to fire at your brother's home?

22:57

Here's what I'm going to tell you. The queen was a very empathic

22:59

person. She was very empathetic.

23:02

And so she knew without

23:04

my having to tell her that

23:07

I despised my brother, that

23:09

we were past the point of no return,

23:11

that there was never going to be any

23:14

kind of rapprochement. She

23:16

knew without me telling her just

23:19

by pointing on a map where he lived, she

23:21

knew without me having to say a word when

23:24

he would be home.

23:27

This is what friendship is, is

23:30

that you don't always have to have this, you

23:33

know, I didn't know that I wanted her

23:35

to do that for me.

23:40

Hello, my name is Timothy Spaglione.

23:43

I'm a lawyer originally from London. I

23:46

now reside in South Carolina. I

23:49

received a job offer from the

23:52

South Carolina Department of Agricultural

23:55

Frauds. We specialize

23:57

in fruit fraud.

23:59

certain fruits being disguised as other

24:02

fruits. So the job that I

24:04

was hired to do was

24:06

to prosecute people who paint

24:08

apples to look like peaches. Oh,

24:11

interesting. Wow. So

24:13

yeah, I guess you can paint an apple

24:15

to look like a peach. There's a kind

24:17

of a texture problem though, isn't there? You're

24:21

talking about the fuzz. I'm assuming that they're gluing something

24:23

on to the apple? Yeah, yeah. It's a good

24:25

guess. And it's certainly what they used to

24:27

do in the old days. You would use

24:29

any sort of adhesive material, be it glue,

24:32

be it toffee. But

24:34

it was very labor intensive, but also much

24:37

easier to spot as well. An apple

24:40

rolled in super glue, and then

24:42

with sawdust shavings,

24:47

I'm going to spot that. But these days, our

24:49

challenges are much harder. Right. Because I

24:51

guess it's AI these days. You've really

24:53

hit the nail on the head. The things

24:56

they can do now, the

24:58

detail in that fuzz, it's

25:01

entirely artificial. 3D printed?

25:03

3D printed. Again, you've got it

25:05

in one. AI will scour the

25:07

internet because obviously there's quite a few

25:09

pictures of peaches. I mean, don't do it now,

25:11

but if you were to Google peaches and then press, you've

25:14

got to then go up

25:15

to image, and then that's all pictures.

25:18

I'm a Bing user, but I assume it's a similar kind of process. Okay,

25:20

I see. Yeah, yeah,

25:24

yeah. Whatever you want to go through, there's

25:26

loads of pictures of peaches on there. Now, what the AI

25:28

will do is it'll incorporate

25:31

all of those,

25:33

send that information to a 3D printer. The

25:35

3D printer will then render the fuzz

25:38

for then the peach handlers to

25:40

roll the apples in. And yeah, I mean, it's

25:42

just really, you

25:45

have to look really, really closely if

25:47

you want to spot that. Well, thank you for your service.

25:50

It's a pleasure. It's a pleasure. I mean, obviously

25:52

we're not here to talk about your job, but that explains

25:55

how an Englishman like yourself ended

25:57

up over in South Carolina. We're talking

25:59

to you because... you met your partner,

26:01

Chudley, whilst over there. Tell

26:04

me a little bit about that.

26:05

I was out here in South Carolina, you know, enjoying

26:07

the work and I certainly wasn't looking to meet anybody,

26:10

but I attended an Avril Lavigne

26:12

concert.

26:18

In the rough and tumble of the Avril Lavigne

26:20

concert where people young and old, boyed

26:22

along by the skateboarding based music jostled

26:25

against one another uncontrollably, Chudley

26:27

Battlebus, Sir Robert's brother, had been

26:29

knocked to the ground and Timothy, seeing

26:31

his distress, came to his aid. This

26:34

poor man had fallen and he

26:36

had mud all over his clothes, he had mud in his head, he had mud all over his

26:38

face, so I couldn't really see what

26:41

he looked like. And, you know, he's looking

26:44

for something to clean himself off with. And I realised

26:46

I had one peach, so

26:49

I took

26:51

the peach and I just gently used

26:54

it to clean the mud

26:56

off his face. And obviously with

26:58

the natural fuzz,

27:01

it's sort of like a cotton

27:03

pad, really, I suppose. And obviously

27:06

the natural peach oil that

27:08

is secreted from the skin is sort of like

27:11

a kind of a makeup remover, you know. And

27:14

so I'm cleaning it and is

27:17

his face revealed? As the peach

27:20

reveals this

27:22

man's face, I've realised just how

27:26

beautiful he is, how good looking he is,

27:28

you know. And obviously he's now very grateful because he's

27:30

got a very clean face. And

27:33

just as I get the last in the mud off,

27:35

he just leans forward

27:37

and he bites

27:39

into the peach, he sinks his teeth and

27:41

you can hear the... because they're obviously

27:43

very juicy, you know, as a particularly juicy

27:46

specimen, you know, and

27:48

the peach juice is running down his chin. He's

27:50

smiling, he's smiling at me. And

27:52

so I lean forward and I

27:55

bite the other side of the peach, so now

27:58

we're either side of it. Lady and the Tramp style.

27:59

Exactly. And that was actually the thought that went through

28:02

my head. I thought to myself, this is like

28:04

a fruity version of Lady

28:06

and the Tramp. ALICE

28:07

One of the sexiest dog movies going?

28:09

SIMON I would, yeah, and I think

28:11

probably in the Disney canon, I think it's

28:14

probably the

28:16

horniest of all the cartoons. And I'm counting

28:18

The Little Mermaid in there as well, actually. ALICE

28:21

Within six months of the Avril Lavigne concert, Chudley

28:23

and Timothy had moved in together,

28:25

and were a couple. But after a few

28:28

years together, things started to

28:30

go a bit strange. SIMON So it

28:32

was 2006, which meant we'd been together

28:34

for seven years. And

28:37

Chudley just started behaving

28:39

very strangely. You know, he would

28:41

disappear at all times

28:43

of the day and night. He started using

28:47

very complex maritime phrases,

28:50

you know, out

28:52

of context, which I found really

28:54

strange. Oh, he'd start telling you facts,

28:57

you know, facts about boats, which sayings

28:59

came from came from boats. ALICE I mean, this

29:01

happens with a lot of relationships,

29:04

especially

29:05

ones involving men. They become

29:08

middle-aged men, and they start spouting facts

29:10

about the Navy. So you must have thought, well, this

29:12

is annoying, but, you know, we've got to expect this,

29:14

you're in a relationship with a man, that will happen. SIMON

29:17

Absolutely. And I can remember when I came out to my parents,

29:19

you know, as a teenager, my mother, you

29:22

know, was so understanding, but the one,

29:24

her big fear.

29:27

And I can remember, you know, tears in her eyes, she said

29:29

to me,

29:30

what happens when you become middle-aged,

29:33

and your partner starts spouting

29:36

out random facts? You know, but I didn't want to

29:38

hear it then. I was too young. You

29:40

know, I was too excited

29:43

to start my life, you

29:45

know. But she was right. So,

29:48

you know, I, he was behaving strangely,

29:50

but you know, a middle-aged man spouting random

29:53

maritime facts, it's not the strangest thing

29:55

in the world. So I didn't really, you know, I

29:57

didn't think it was too much of an issue, but

29:59

then...

29:59

And I found a

30:02

tricorna hat in the trunk,

30:05

as we say over here, in the trunk of our car.

30:08

Kind of old-timey sort of Napoleon

30:11

style. Exactly. Lord Nelson.

30:14

I think Napoleon, Lord Horatio Nelson, it's the

30:16

three. It's tricorna. As

30:20

soon as I saw it, I thought to myself,

30:22

okay, something's going on here. So

30:25

I confronted Chudley, and

30:28

the full extent of the problem

30:30

became clear. He had purchased a

30:34

secondhand German battleship,

30:38

and was also keeping a full-time crew

30:40

of 90 sailors on there at a very competitive

30:42

rate.

30:44

And I suddenly thought to myself, how could I have

30:46

been so blind? And I guess you

30:48

have to ask him, why did

30:50

you buy a battleship? Because

30:53

this feels like...

30:54

Maybe I'm getting ahead of you here, but this feels like

30:57

more than just an interest in the maritime.

30:59

This feels like something else. Oh, yeah. It's

31:02

definitely an escalation. And I kept asking him,

31:05

I was so upset, I was so

31:07

angry and upset, and they kept saying, why have

31:09

you done this? Why have you done this? And

31:12

he just sat there, and

31:14

all he would say is,

31:16

I think I know what Robert's planning. Trust

31:19

me, we need this.

31:22

And that's Robert, his brother. His

31:25

brother who I've never met. So how do I know? You

31:27

know, maybe we do. Maybe

31:29

we do. But at the end of the day,

31:32

it turned out that Chudley was right.

31:41

Fast forward about a year, about 2007, I

31:43

am awoken by the sound of cannon

31:45

fire. I'm lying on my back.

31:48

I open my eyes. And the

31:50

roof of the house has been completely blown off.

31:53

So I get up, I look out to sea, and I can

31:55

see that we're under attack from

31:58

another battleship flying.

31:59

the British flag. And Chudley's

32:02

fears had been borne out, and actually, I

32:04

bet at that moment you were pretty glad you had a second-hand

32:06

German battleship. I was

32:09

absolutely delighted, and even more so,

32:11

I was glad that it was staffed with a crew of 90 sailors

32:13

on a competitive rate, because if those 90 sailors

32:16

were staffed on a less than competitive rate,

32:19

they may not have mobilised into action

32:22

at the speed that they did. I mean, it was absolutely

32:24

crazy. It was just, we got straight on the phone, called

32:27

the crew, and to be fair to

32:29

them, within

32:29

a couple of minutes, they were already

32:32

returning fire. Again,

32:34

competitive rate. You get what you pay for

32:37

it, it turns out, when you crew a

32:39

second-hand German battleship. And we were really lucky.

32:47

So we're just there eating a breakfast and watching the battle,

32:49

and these ships, this British ship, is

32:52

pretty evenly matched with our German ship. I

32:54

mean, I don't know how many sailors were

32:57

on the British ship, but I certainly don't know

32:59

what rate they were on, but they were giving

33:01

it their all. So I thought to myself, my

33:03

God, there's a chance that we could lose here.

33:05

They could sink our battleship, and

33:09

then what happens to us? We're in big trouble.

33:12

But after about 10 minutes, the British battleship

33:15

took a direct hit from an old

33:17

Russian

33:17

submarine that had

33:20

appeared. And it

33:22

turned out that,

33:23

unbeknownst to me, Chudley had also bought

33:26

this old Russian submarine. So even

33:28

though he'd revealed to you that he'd spent 10 million

33:31

on a battleship,

33:33

he'd still kept from you the fact that he had also bought

33:35

an old Russian submarine.

33:37

I wasn't prepared for it. But I suppose in the moment,

33:40

I was grateful that we had the Russian

33:43

submarine to bolster our

33:45

forces. Chudley was right. Yeah,

33:47

I mean, he was just pleased as punch to have sunk that

33:49

battleship. And you know what?

33:51

It really brought us closer

33:53

together. You know, I

33:55

will take some pride

33:57

in the fact that...

36:01

5 30 p.m.

36:02

And she was not afraid of raw meat. She

36:04

loved a tendon and she would dig in there

36:08

with it was I think safe

36:10

to say her favorite meal of the day and

36:13

one of the things that I really Treasure

36:16

about that meal is that when she

36:18

would eat that raw meat

36:20

She would look up at me

36:22

as she was chewing You know as the

36:24

as

36:25

the blood was just you know

36:28

Surrounding her her mouth almost

36:31

clown style She would maintain

36:34

steady eye contact with me and

36:36

I felt that to my core She

36:39

was communicating something to me saying

36:41

this is how it should be and

36:44

I will revert to The

36:46

monster that lives inside me and I will

36:49

tear the flesh and I will

36:51

remain supreme Which I

36:53

think is that's a good way for a

36:55

monarch to feel and when this was

36:57

happening Was it just her on her own or was she also

36:59

with her despicable children?

37:02

The children would be there they would face

37:04

the wall and this is a custom

37:06

from time immemorial later,

37:09

it was a Referenced in the movie

37:11

the Blair Witch Project, but the the kids would

37:14

be forced to come into the room Face

37:16

the wall and listen to the sounds

37:19

of their mother eating this raw flesh

37:21

and it was You know the

37:24

symbolism there is never forget. We are a pack

37:27

I am the the leader of the pack I

37:30

eat first and then you eat after

37:32

me

37:32

We are inbred and

37:34

we like it that way and so the likes

37:36

of Prince Edward and his wife

37:39

Sophie Wessex They would then come in and

37:41

sort of have the scraps. They'd be able

37:43

to turn around once the Queen was finished And yes,

37:45

once the Queen was finished and they would have to wait until

37:48

they heard the door close on the other side of the room They

37:50

would not see her enter or

37:52

leave Once they heard that door

37:55

they could then turn around and they could feast

37:57

on the scraps and if they were you know if

37:59

the Queen

37:59

was feeling generous that day,

38:02

the scraps would be on the table. But if

38:04

she were feeling – look,

38:06

she's a mom and she had kids and

38:08

sometimes the kids will disappoint you or make

38:11

you angry or challenge

38:13

you in some way, she would leave the scraps on

38:15

the floor. And then she

38:18

would – I feel like I could say this now.

38:20

There was a painting that had the eye holes cut

38:22

out that she could remove and then watch the

38:24

kids. Charles, the grandkids

38:27

as well. She would watch

38:32

William and –

38:34

oh, I can't say his name anymore. It's

38:37

a shame really.

38:41

But she would watch them crawling

38:43

them out and eating the scraps. So in terms

38:45

of the person whose name you can't bring yourself to say, just

38:48

in case the listeners aren't sure who you're talking about, are

38:51

we talking about a certain member of the Royal Family who

38:53

is now a

38:54

very, very good podcaster?

38:57

One of the world's best. If

38:59

you want to take out any modifiers there, I can probably

39:01

confirm what your suspicions are. Sure.

39:04

I think people will understand what we're talking about. Yeah,

39:06

I think so. Okay. I'd like to

39:09

get back onto the theme of whether

39:11

you overstepped the boundaries of your job

39:13

and whether you used your influence in

39:16

a way that was underfitting the role. Your brother

39:19

Chudley was eventually executed,

39:22

right?

39:24

Yes.

39:27

Flash forward to 2010

39:29

and Chudley wins a

39:32

competition and all expenses paid trip to

39:34

London. And of course, I'm excited because

39:37

it's a chance to come home to London, which I haven't been

39:39

back to since moving to America.

39:42

So yeah, I'm excited to show Chudley

39:45

London to take him around all my old

39:47

haunts. I want to show him the sights. And

39:50

what's great is the trip, the holiday that he's

39:53

won comes with all of the

39:55

sightseeing included in it. So, you

39:57

know, we're going to go to the aquarium. We're going to go and see

39:59

Chudley London.

39:59

Jersey boys, but we start

40:02

with the Tower of London. And at

40:05

one point during the tour, one of the beef eaters,

40:08

which is one of the guards said

40:10

to Chudley, you know, do you want to put your neck on

40:13

the execution block? This is where countless

40:15

people had been beheaded in the old days.

40:18

And I mean, what a photo opportunity,

40:20

right? Well, exactly. You know, immediately we're

40:23

thinking to ourselves, you know, we'll pop that up on

40:25

this is Facebook profile photo 101.

40:28

Yeah, it's the absolute dream. You know, he's there.

40:31

And maybe he looks a bit scared. And you know,

40:33

the beef eaters he's playing, he's playing along in his good

40:35

value. So he puts his head on

40:37

the block, and we're all laughing, you

40:39

know, because it's, you know, we

40:42

think it's, we think it's like a bit, you know, and

40:44

we've sort of made friends with the other people on

40:46

the tours, we've been walking around. And

40:49

the beefy to get a big ax, great, gigantic

40:52

acts. And now we're really laughing, you know, and he raises

40:54

it over his head and he says, someone's

40:57

been a naughty boy, you're going to

40:59

have to get your head chopped off,

41:01

you know, and we're going Oh,

41:02

no, please, you know, Charlie's got Oh,

41:04

no, go on, then, you know, and

41:07

it we're all having so much fun. And the axe

41:10

came down and chopped chudley's

41:13

head, clean off his body. And

41:18

I thought to myself, it must be some

41:20

sort of like a hologram. You

41:22

know, they've used AI or maybe

41:24

they use a 3d printer to

41:27

to render a head perhaps

41:29

when when when our backs returned for a moment when we

41:31

weren't looking. And honestly, it was

41:33

only when chudley's head

41:37

rolled off the block,

41:39

rolled towards me stopped at my feet,

41:42

his head looked up at me and said, it's

41:44

Robert, it's Robert, he's finally

41:47

got me the bastard.

41:49

And then and then obviously

41:51

just he died. And that's not

41:53

a hologram. No, that's

41:56

that's when I realized that was the moment

41:58

I thought to myself.

41:59

That wasn't a hologram.

42:02

And honestly, right up until the moment his head

42:04

actually came off and I realised that that axe

42:06

was real, I was having an absolutely

42:08

brilliant time.

42:11

So obviously it's total chaos. You

42:13

know, there are people screaming, tourists are running

42:16

everywhere. The Beefeater, he's indiscriminately

42:19

beheading tourists. You know, I'm

42:22

in shock and grief

42:25

and fear and then

42:28

I'm sick

42:30

all over his head. And then before I know

42:32

what's happening, I'm bundled into

42:34

the back of a van by somebody from the security

42:37

services.

42:38

And we're off. We're screeching through

42:40

the streets of London. And

42:44

they said to me, you can't ever tell

42:46

anybody about

42:47

what's happened today. And

42:50

they said, if you promise us now not

42:52

to tell anyone,

42:54

we can show you this movie we've

42:56

got. It's called Despicable Me. And

42:58

it's got these characters in it called The Minions.

43:01

They're really like cute and charming.

43:03

And you're going to love it. And this film

43:06

will never be on general release.

43:08

So the only way to ever see it is

43:11

to be silent about this incident.

43:14

Wow, that's a really weird

43:17

sort of thing to have to think about, isn't it? I thought

43:19

to myself, so these people are responsible for murdering

43:21

the love of my life, and now they want to try and buy

43:23

my silence

43:25

with a film called Despicable Me. And I know the

43:27

law. If there's one thing I know, well,

43:29

if there's two things I know, it's an

43:32

apple disguise at the beach and it's the law.

43:35

So I said to them, I said, I'm not. You can't silence

43:38

me. You know, I'm a British citizen.

43:40

I'm going straight to the police and I'm going

43:42

to tell them everything. And that's when they were

43:44

like, OK, you can

43:46

do that. But if you do

43:48

that, you can't watch

43:51

Despicable Me. And I think that then they

43:53

told me that Steve Carell did one of

43:55

the voices. Yeah. OK. And

43:58

then I was in the horns of a dilemma. you

44:00

know, he's very, very talented. And

44:03

they were saying, you'll never see

44:05

this film. You'll never see it. And

44:07

I guess more as the conversation goes on, you're kind

44:09

of building up this film in your head more and more, is this

44:12

kind of like, this does sound good, actually. Absolutely.

44:15

Yeah. Because, you know, I'm saying,

44:17

no, no, no, this is about truth. This is about

44:19

justice. And then they were like, yeah, but you have to

44:21

understand there's like the world,

44:24

where the minions live. It's like a

44:26

big cave and they go up and down on these

44:29

lifts and stuff. And I was like, this does

44:30

sound good.

44:33

And I said, well, could I maybe watch a bit

44:35

of it, see if I like it? And

44:38

then if I don't, if I do like

44:40

it, I'll keep it quiet. And if I don't like it, well,

44:42

then I'm going to go to the police and tell them

44:44

that you've executed my boyfriend. And that was, they really

44:47

didn't want to do that.

44:49

They said, no, no, no, you have to make the decision

44:51

first, then

44:52

you can watch the whole film. Or

44:55

you say no, and

44:57

you'll never, and I remember, I

45:00

remember the exact words, you

45:02

will never watch

45:04

Despicable Me. And

45:06

I think that's really where the decision

45:09

was made. And so you did say, I will

45:12

keep my silence and watch the movie. I

45:15

really wanted to watch Despicable Me. So did you watch

45:17

it then and there in the back of the van? Or were you taken

45:19

to a cinema or how did that work? Yeah,

45:22

I was taken to a secure facility underground

45:25

and taken into an MI5

45:27

briefing reef. And they'd set up,

45:30

there was a projector and there

45:32

was a woman selling overpriced

45:35

soft drinks. They'd really, they'd

45:38

made a big fuss. So I bought a drink

45:41

and some Revels and I

45:44

sat down and yeah, I

45:47

mean, it's

45:49

just good. It's a good film. Now,

45:51

obviously our listeners will be thinking, well, hang

45:53

on, your side of the bargain

45:55

was to never tell anyone about this. You've just told

45:58

the Beef and Dairy Network about this.

45:59

where a media outlet, this will go out to millions,

46:03

you know, you've told the world you

46:05

haven't kept up your side of the bargain. No,

46:07

because they didn't keep up their side of the bargain.

46:09

Right. Despicable Me was

46:12

put out on general release. I

46:14

see. And then they brought out Despicable

46:16

Me 2, Despicable Me 3, the

46:18

Minions movie, and Minions 2, The

46:21

Rise of Gru. So everyone's

46:23

seen it. That wasn't what was agreed.

46:27

So now I just, you know, I have to

46:29

tell my story. I have to

46:31

blow the whistle. I have to do it

46:33

for Chudley.

46:34

I allowed

46:36

my silence to be brought

46:38

on the promise of being

46:40

one of the only people to ever see

46:43

Despicable Me. And that did not

46:46

happen. Everyone's

46:48

seen it. Everyone's

46:51

seen it. So, Robert. Yes.

46:54

Sir Robert. Yes. I

46:57

will ask you again, over and above the battleship

46:59

and the execution of your brother, did you

47:01

abuse your position? I've got a story

47:03

here from the Daily Telegraph in 2010, where

47:05

they write, what's going on? Is

47:10

this American leather-clad kinky

47:12

beef eater fucking the Queen?

47:15

That...

47:21

I'm going to be honest with you. That makes me

47:24

so angry. Because

47:28

I don't fuck. I make love.

47:38

In September last year, we

47:40

all said goodbye to Her Majesty

47:43

for the final time. We

47:47

said goodbye to our defender

47:50

of the beef. Traditionally,

47:55

the monarch's manate beef is either buried

47:57

alive with the monarch's coffin or

48:00

their tongue is cut out and they are exiled

48:03

to a remote island. When

48:05

a monarch dies, traditionally their manate beef

48:08

will not transfer into the following

48:10

reign of the next incumbent of the throne. It's

48:14

an incredibly close, incredibly complex

48:16

relationship between a monarch and

48:19

a manate beef. This is someone who will have

48:21

spent their entire life delicately

48:23

calibrating their own taste buds to

48:25

the unique beef profile of

48:28

that monarch with

48:30

whom they've shared the life that bond.

48:37

It's a sad day, of course, because this is

48:39

someone who's given themselves,

48:43

given their life, to serve a monarch

48:45

of a foreign nation in the interests

48:47

of world peace, of diplomacy. But

48:51

the sad reality is you've got

48:53

to move along, you've got to move with the times, we've got to cut this

48:55

guy's tongue out.

49:06

However, Sir Robert

49:08

wouldn't be buried with the Queen

49:10

and he wouldn't have his tongue cut out.

49:15

And of the cover of darkness, he stole away from

49:17

Buckingham Palace

49:21

because he wanted to keep his tongue

49:24

so

49:24

that he could use it to blow the whistle on

49:27

King Charles. It's

49:31

easy to assume that I'm a coward who

49:34

loves his tongue too much, but I'm

49:36

not a blind man and I noticed

49:38

many things about the the heir

49:41

to the throne.

49:42

Over the years, I had a long time to

49:44

observe him and I will call

49:46

him His Majesty, Charles III,

49:49

that is, in my mind, just a title.

49:51

It is not something that he fully embodies

49:55

because we are talking about a man here, definitely

49:57

more man. than

50:00

God, who is at

50:02

best ambivalent

50:05

about beef. Not

50:08

that he hates it,

50:09

not that he loves it,

50:11

but in his words, could

50:14

take or leave it.

50:16

And you've heard him say those words?

50:18

On many occasions. What you're saying

50:20

will be a huge shock to people listening because obviously- It

50:23

should be. The British monarchy and

50:26

beef are intrinsically linked. They

50:28

are custodians of the country's beef,

50:32

and they are a conduit through which

50:34

God and beef collide and create

50:37

a kind of earthly avatar that

50:40

they then embody. It's

50:43

God's beef form

50:45

on earth. God's form on earth,

50:48

well, I mean, briefly Jesus Christ, but then

50:50

beef

50:51

has been the stand-in, if you

50:53

like. So what was Charles doing that

50:55

made you feel uneasy about

50:57

this? The idea that he is gleefully

51:01

telling people, shoehorning

51:03

it into conversation when people aren't even talking

51:05

about beef. But

51:08

if he will say, you could

51:11

be talking about Formula

51:13

One racing, and he'll say,

51:15

oh, I could take or leave beef. And you'll

51:18

say, we were talking about racing cars.

51:20

And he would say, oh, I thought I heard somebody say beef.

51:23

He's willfully doing this.

51:26

So what is King Charles then? If

51:28

he can take or leave beef, what

51:31

are we talking about here? What kind of a person,

51:34

if indeed we're talking about a person, would

51:36

that be?

51:38

What I'm about to say might be taking this too far,

51:41

but you'd have to put your head

51:44

in the sand to not hear some of the conspiracy

51:46

theories that are going around online. Hashtag

51:49

lamb king. The

51:52

idea that Charles is eschewing

51:55

beef entirely and instead has brought in a

51:57

new regime of lamb at the palace.

52:00

Can you shed any lights on this? What

52:04

I do know is that it smells

52:07

very minty around biking a palace

52:09

these days. I do

52:12

know that this king wears

52:14

more sweaters than any

52:16

monarch before

52:19

has ever done. I mean, he's got

52:21

jumpers for days this guy. He's

52:24

got pullovers. He's got v-necks. He's got

52:26

cardigans. A sweater

52:28

every day, a new sweater every day. So

52:33

I'm willing to say that, yes, this

52:36

so-called king is

52:38

eating lamb every chance

52:40

he gets and has no

52:43

compunctions about doing so. Now

52:46

that's behind closed doors. How

52:49

soon until he's doing this in front of everyone?

52:52

How soon until he's doing it in a Christmas address,

52:55

just sitting there with a big old slate

52:57

of mutton in front of him and just eating

53:00

it with his hands and licking his fingers, saying

53:03

boy, oh boy, do I love this lamb? And

53:06

that's certainly going to please New Zealand, but

53:09

are they part of the Commonwealth anymore? I don't think

53:11

so. And I made sure of that. Well,

53:14

thank you for giving us this

53:16

wonderful interview, Sir Robert.

53:18

And I just want to say thank you for everything

53:20

you did for our queen. She

53:22

was a wonderful woman. And

53:25

I feel warm inside with

53:28

the knowledge that she spent her last 30 years

53:30

on Earth with

53:32

you at her side, slipping

53:35

her your beef. It was my

53:38

purpose in life, and I was

53:40

lucky to have it. And

53:43

if God should ever

53:45

reunite us again, I hope

53:48

there's beef in heaven. And

53:50

I hope my brother's not there.

53:53

A big thanks to Sir Robert Battleworth,

53:55

now, of course, in hiding, and also

53:58

to Professor James Harkham and...

53:59

to Timothy Spaglione. And

54:02

a final thanks to

54:04

her majesty.

54:06

We'll miss you Babs Rascal. So

54:10

that's all we've got time for this month, but if you're

54:12

after more Beef and Dairy news get over to our website

54:14

now where you'll find all the usual stuff

54:16

as well as our off-topic section where

54:19

this month we reveal which moths you

54:21

can trust.

54:22

So until next time, Beef

54:25

out.

54:36

Thanks to Mike Shepherd, Paul F. Tompkins

54:38

and Max Davis.

54:40

And just to say that I think all of the tickets are

54:42

now sold for our live show at the London Podcast

54:44

Festival on the 16th of September. Sometimes

54:48

some

54:49

sort of last minute tickets kind of appear

54:51

sort of on the day. I never quite understand why that is, but

54:54

like 10 or so seem to always appear. Don't

54:57

quite know why that is, but in general it's sold out. Thanks

54:59

to everyone who's bought tickets. There are however

55:02

still tickets to

55:04

watch it as a live stream. And

55:06

I think not only can you watch it as a live stream,

55:08

if you have a ticket, you can then watch it at any point

55:11

during the following week. So those are

55:13

still available and there'll be a link in the episode

55:15

description.

55:17

So there we go. That was episode 99. Oh

55:20

my God. Okay. Zebra's

55:23

orangutans. Oh, sorry. Hi.

55:25

Not just the animals talking. Yes.

55:27

My name is Carrie Poppy. I co-host a podcast

55:29

called On a Ross and Carrie. This is my cohost Ross

55:31

right here. Okay. We investigate spirituality

55:34

claims of the paranormal. And we were

55:36

wondering if we could get on the

55:39

arc. You did come two by two. I appreciate

55:41

that. Though most of the things I'm letting

55:43

on the arc don't talk. I'm going to be talking all

55:46

up on this boat. Do you mind both? I prefer

55:48

arc or barge. Okay. I'm not listening. But if

55:51

you let me on, then

55:53

I will make my really good podcast

55:55

on your boat.

55:56

Can you at least help clean up all the poop?

55:59

I guess I don't see one. Well, I'll check out the

56:01

podcast. Where do I find it? It's on MaximumFun.org

56:08

MaximumFun.org Comedy

56:10

and culture. Artist owned. Audience

56:12

supported.