0:00

Angie has made it easier than ever

0:02

to connect with skilled professionals to get

0:04

all your jobs projects done well. I

0:06

absolutely love this because you know if

0:08

you own a home, it can

0:10

be really hard to maintain. It's hard to

0:12

find people that can help you for a

0:14

big project or a small. Well,

0:16

whether it's in everyday maintenance and

0:19

repairs or making dream projects a

0:21

reality, it can be hard just to know

0:23

where to start. But now all

0:26

you need to do is answer that and

0:28

find a skilled local pro who will deliver the

0:30

quality and expertise you need. Angie

0:33

has over 20 years of home service

0:35

experience and they've combined it with new tools

0:38

to simplify the whole process. Bring

0:40

them your project online or with the

0:42

Angie app, answer a few questions and

0:44

Angie can handle the rest from start to finish.

0:47

Or help you compare quotes from

0:50

multiple pros and connect instantly. Which

0:52

means you can take care of just about

0:55

any home project in just a

0:57

few taps because when it comes to getting

0:59

the most out of your home, you can

1:01

do this when you Angie that. Download

1:04

the free Angie mobile app

1:06

today or visit angie.com. That's

1:09

A N G I dot

1:11

com. What happened to me? I don't

1:14

know. That's Sharpie. It looks like

1:16

there's something smeared all over your 10 fingers there.

1:18

Something smeared all over my hand. What

1:20

the hell? I don't know, man. This is why it

1:23

sucks to be a lefty because you write anything you

1:25

write with a pencil. Yeah, smudges

1:27

all over your hand and you die

1:29

earlier. That's I mean, that that is

1:31

an issue with with with people who

1:33

are left handed. You're

1:35

in the soggy biscuit circle and you're

1:37

doing it with the left hand and

1:40

all of a sudden you're bumping elbows with the

1:42

guy next to you because everyone else is a

1:45

righty. Yeah, sucks, man. There's only like what is

1:47

it like 11% of

1:49

the world is is is left handed. Yeah,

1:51

something terrible like that. We

1:53

need more people like me in the world. I

1:56

think people. What does that mean? People like me,

1:58

you know, with the same kind of value. Yeah.

4:01

Like, to me. Like we

4:03

could do a, we could do like

4:05

a memorial shirt, like a, like a

4:07

remembrance shirt, shirt with the towers or

4:09

something, you know? And then

4:11

we give like a percentage of the money

4:13

to 9-11. Those two big towers. We love

4:15

them. Yeah.

4:18

Wow. Why did

4:20

the guy who owned the building

4:22

take out a sizable insurance policy

4:24

the day before? Is

4:27

that true? Yeah. Like

4:31

was it related to the, to

4:33

the buildings? I'm sure he'd say it

4:36

wasn't. I'm

4:39

sure that he would. Um, talking

4:44

to you, Tucker, how true was that? That

4:47

was completely true. Everything you hear is true. That's

4:51

that doesn't seem right. That doesn't seem right. No,

4:53

this is true, man. This is a true conspiracy.

4:55

There was also the, uh, they were trying to

4:57

do something with the, the

5:00

budget or they were doing the audit of

5:02

the defense and they were making like $2

5:04

trillion. They lost $2 trillion off

5:06

the, uh, off the balance. It came out like

5:08

the day or two before. What? Yeah.

5:10

You never heard this. No. Yeah.

5:14

It came out. The U S government was missing $2 trillion. And

5:16

then like a day or two later, the planes to the towers.

5:20

Whoa. People weren't talking

5:23

about that $2 trillion anymore. Well

5:26

that, but at the end of the day, surely that's a, a

5:29

conspiracy, but, but, but no,

5:31

it's real dude. Surely that's a conspiracy

5:33

of some sort. I don't think it's

5:35

a conspiracy. I think those are cold

5:37

heart facts, dude. Really? I

5:40

think it's wrong to call

5:42

something that this information 20 years

5:44

away. What was that thing that said 20 years after

5:46

something 20 years after medical

5:49

still exists. Wow. 20

5:52

years. It has been a while, hasn't it? It's

5:55

been 23, right? It

5:59

has been a while. The

20:00

Great Wall of China, the Taj Mahal, Chantier

20:02

like this, one of the Christ the Redeemer,

20:05

Machu Picchu, the Chichen

20:07

Itza, What? Petra. Pause,

20:09

pause. The fucking

20:11

pyramids are one of the wonders of

20:13

the world, you dumb fuck. They

20:16

are. They definitely are of the seven wonders. Why didn't

20:19

he mention them? What's

20:21

this bullshit? Is the Sphinx

20:23

one of the seven wonders? The pyramids are right next

20:25

to the Sphinx! How many wonders are there? I feel

20:27

like there's more than seven. They're right next to each

20:29

other. This is fucking stupid! There's so many wonderful things

20:31

too, like in the world too. They should make it

20:33

like the 15 wonders of the world, you know? Like

20:36

I've what? It's not up to us. Come

20:39

on, man. You go to New York

20:41

City and you look at the M&M store and you're

20:43

like, that's not one of the wonders of the world.

20:45

Yeah, I'm going to drop a fucking eighth wonder of

20:47

the world after this episode in the toilet. Jesus

20:50

Christ. Yeah, no,

20:52

there are there are there

20:54

are a bunch of things that probably should be. Well,

20:57

they have like the modern wonders of the

20:59

world, you know, the modern marvels. Right.

21:02

Oh, that was a good show in History Channel. Oh,

21:04

I never saw that. I

21:06

saw it. No. Let me

21:08

show you this. Modern marvels,

21:10

dude, that was like a

21:12

living room staple right there. Never

21:15

watch. What was this guy's point, though? I kind

21:17

of passed out a little bit mentally. I

21:20

don't know who the fuck. Can we pause? Oh, yeah,

21:22

we paused it early. We paused.

21:24

Yeah, I want to hear what his point

21:27

is. Like what his conspiracy is here. What's

21:29

the thesis? Yeah. So you

21:31

guys, you need to stop looking at the

21:33

things and start looking at the seven wonders,

21:35

because that's where you'll find the knowledge. That's

21:38

where. So it's not under the stakes. It's

21:40

under the pyramids. It's just been a diversion

21:43

this whole time to draw you away

21:45

from what they really don't

21:47

want you to find it about. So

21:49

just fly Tucker out to each one

21:51

of the seven wonders, have him go,

21:53

you know, Peru through the deck of

21:55

each of the seven wonders. And why

21:57

do you guys actually. Like we just

22:00

put Tucker in like one of those

22:02

like British one of those British hard

22:04

caps, you know from like the 1900s You

22:07

know the 1920s Like

22:10

old wooden ship over to Egypt. I'd

22:12

love to see Tucker do all these all

22:15

these places just by himself, too You

22:18

know Yeah, it would be cool.

22:20

It'll be like you'd be like on the on the ground

22:22

Correspondent for us, you know You'd

22:25

be like a people come up to you right

22:28

at the right at the pyramids. Yeah, we like

22:30

to sell you shit No, no, no, no, no,

22:32

no official business. No. Thank you. No.

22:34

Thank you I've heard it's pretty like they're like knocking

22:36

on the windows and they're like trying to tell you

22:38

that it's like you need to get A ticket for

22:40

like where they're standing Yeah, yeah,

22:42

or they're like or they're like I'll

22:44

show you a tour of the pyramids

22:46

here. It is look They

22:49

do that money. Yeah. Oh, yeah,

22:51

of course. Yeah Yeah,

22:53

they need to they need some they need some But

22:56

you want to hear something crazy because I was

22:58

looking into this and don't worry about it Like

23:05

Imagine if I stopped there Going

23:07

on you're not allowed to have drones and

23:09

either illegal drones are illegal in Egypt Yeah,

23:13

no shit. What no shit No

23:15

Put one down under the Sphinx and they

23:17

and the pyramids and they saw another door

23:20

Ted and they never went through it You

23:22

know that the Sphinx has a tail. What

23:24

are they keeping in that tail? So

23:27

I'm saying I don't know perhaps

23:31

Perhaps some shungite maybe, you

23:33

know 20

23:36

to 30 different pieces of information

23:38

that will change your life forever from

23:40

BuzzFeed What

23:43

is that what is this? Oh Was

23:47

a BuzzFeed joke. It was

23:49

simply a BuzzFeed joke flat But

23:51

what are you talking about? I'm

23:53

sorry. I thought you liked knowledge

23:57

What's going on? I? Was

23:59

just Why are you two laughing? Have you not seen

24:02

the- Cause they knew! That made

24:04

no sense. That made no sense. Sorry, man.

24:06

All right, just fucking move on. No, no,

24:08

no, explain what that was. Explain

24:11

the reasoning. Cause I was-

24:13

Because that was just a complete non sequitur

24:15

to me. I have no idea why you

24:17

said that. Cause you like

24:19

knowledge. And I was, you know

24:21

how Buzzfeed does the lists? Uh-huh.

24:25

And I was like, the pieces are not, it was a

24:28

bad joke. And now I'm embarrassed.

24:30

What do you mean? The pieces of 20 to 30 pieces

24:32

of not, that

24:35

didn't even make sense. Okay, like the top 10

24:37

things you need to bring with you on a

24:39

vacation to Peru. 20

24:42

to 30 pieces of knowledge you get from the Sphinx. Do

24:44

you not understand what I'm talking about? No. How

24:47

do you not get this? Have you been on Buzzfeed in

24:49

2009? No.

24:53

I was buying cashier plans in 2009, dude. They

24:57

do lists. Buzzfeed? What,

24:59

you think I was doing like the are

25:02

you gay quiz? Can I, what was the

25:04

final point of what this guy was saying?

25:07

The knowledge, the Sphinx is

25:09

a distraction. The knowledge

25:11

lies in the seven wonders. Okay,

25:14

so walk five feet to the left

25:16

of the Sphinx, you dumb fuck. What's

25:18

this kid's name? Frank? Frank.

25:21

Course it'd come from a Frank. You fucking

25:23

idiot, dude. You didn't even sound like a

25:25

Frank. He does not sound like a Frank.

25:29

He sounds like, he sounds

25:32

like a, like Gertrude. Yeah.

25:38

Sure, geez. Geez.

25:42

So that was the best one, Tucker? I,

25:45

okay, I thought that was a really good one. I

25:48

thought it was, I thought it was, I thought it

25:50

was good. It kind of upset Schlatt. It

25:52

did a little bit. It did. Whatever

25:55

the fuck Ted said upset me.

25:58

It didn't make any sense. that

26:00

like did not land so badly

26:02

for Schlatt that he got genuinely

26:04

upset with me and then started

26:06

to I'm just giggling

26:09

to myself and Schlatt's like Schlatt's like

26:11

no, what the fuck was that joke supposed

26:13

to mean you bastard? No,

26:15

cuz you know cuz what happened Ted

26:17

is you were like looking you were

26:19

like It's

26:22

like you fucking read it off of

26:24

somewhere what You bro

26:27

when you said that you were looking

26:29

at your second monitor and you said man That's

26:32

kind of like 20 to 30 pieces of knowledge like

26:36

what I Don't

26:41

That's Maybe I maybe

26:43

I spaced out is this scripted the

26:47

episode the episode Every

26:50

single not in on it every

26:52

single word I'm saying I Don't

26:55

know I

26:58

don't know what is going on with you right now slats

27:02

tripping You're

27:05

like you're like This

27:07

is this is like strange. What is

27:09

happening? Are you okay? He didn't

27:11

do his hair today It

27:14

did Look

27:17

I'll do this. I'll do this you get a nice

27:19

piece of it I wish I had something to like

27:21

make this work for you. I wish I had a

27:23

Kubo in the background or something that I could be

27:27

Here and just be like I was just looking at

27:30

a Kubo or something and though I have like that

27:32

other color of Kubo for you Today

27:34

something's not working for me. Yeah,

27:36

it's not working for me. Would you wake

27:38

up upside down this morning? No,

27:41

I didn't I woke up in, Ohio Did

27:44

you actually I'm

27:47

in New York. I'm in New York. Okay

27:50

Let me see. You know that good shit's crazy in

27:52

Ohio. You know, they don't have food there. You know

27:54

about that No, they got

27:56

that dog slop that dog slop. Oh, they do

27:59

have that dog slop Dude, I've

28:02

met two separate people that

28:04

I have talked to or sorry, shot.

28:07

I've met two separate people that I have spoken

28:09

to. There he goes. He's reading off the fucking

28:11

script. I've met two

28:14

separate people that I've spoken to about the,

28:16

uh, Skyline Chili

28:18

and I'll refer to it as

28:20

Cincinnati dog shop and they'll know exactly

28:22

what I'm talking about. Like immediately

28:24

without delay. We've,

28:28

we've, we've surely you've seen it. We've talked

28:30

about Cincinnati dog slot. I don't think so.

28:32

I don't think I've heard about Cincinnati. I

28:36

don't know. Okay. I will. We'll see if that

28:38

actually does it. Let's see if Google

28:40

knows. Dude,

28:43

it's like pretty close. Yeah,

28:48

that's it. That's, wow.

28:50

That's like, that's pretty

28:52

accurate. So it really

28:54

is kind of called it. Look here, Skyline Chili.

28:56

Look at that. Oh geez.

28:59

It's actually pretty good. I was really hesitant.

29:01

I was a picky eater. So

29:03

this isn't looking good. Chili has

29:05

to be like the most fucking

29:07

1940s depression food kind of like

29:09

solution to a problem. Convinced poor

29:11

people that this was tasty. Damn.

29:15

Yeah. It was like this. What

29:18

do we got? Well, we got spaghetti.

29:20

We got cheese. We got like some,

29:22

some Pinto beans and like some oyster

29:24

crackers lying around. So let's see how

29:26

it works. That

29:29

sounds a little delicious. You

29:32

would like it. I think. Yeah. You

29:34

gotta get fresh. Fresh. Yeah.

29:37

Do a little Phantom tax on that. You know, yeah.

29:41

Get a little, ooh, who

29:44

is Phantom? It's a streamer,

29:46

right? What?

29:49

Wasn't it a streamer? What is the

29:51

Phantom tax? I

29:53

think it's when you eat someone, you

29:55

like take a bite of food or something. You

29:58

like, no, that's when you, when, when. When you're not,

30:00

when like, you look at your plate and it's

30:02

like there's less on it. Oh,

30:06

like when Chipotle doesn't give you

30:08

enough. Yes, yes. So that's the

30:10

fan, the fan thumb tax.

30:15

Okay. The phantom tax. Phantom tax?

30:17

Is it phantom tax or phantom?

30:19

Like, like Spectre. Oh

30:22

yeah. Phantom tax is the food you steal

30:24

from your kids meal or snack. A

30:27

member of Stringer, Kai Sinatra, and Liam. What's

30:30

he called that? With Jen? What does

30:32

Kai Sinatra have to do with anything?

30:34

Well, he's a phantom is a member

30:36

of Stringer, Kai Sinatra's AMP influencer group.

30:39

There's a phantom and amp. Tucker, don't go

30:41

watching Kai Sinatra right now, dude. Oh,

30:43

sorry. Sorry. He's playing Elden

30:45

Ring. Yeah. Kai Sinatra has

30:48

a phantom in his streaming group. No,

30:50

he's got a phantom. He's got a phantom

30:52

there, dude. We

30:55

should probably rock another Stringer. Yeah, we should

30:57

probably like... Probably less than another

30:59

Speedfiber. Yeah. Angie

31:03

has made it easier than ever to

31:06

connect with skilled professionals to get all

31:08

your jobs projects done well. I absolutely

31:10

love this because you know, if you

31:12

own a home, it can be really

31:14

hard to maintain. It's hard to find people

31:16

that can help you for a big project or a small.

31:19

Well, whether it's in everyday

31:21

maintenance and repairs or making dream

31:24

projects a reality, it can be

31:26

hard just to know where to start. But

31:28

now all you need to do is answer

31:31

that and find a skilled local

31:33

pro who will deliver the quality and expertise

31:35

you need. Angie has over

31:37

20 years of home service experience and

31:40

they've combined it with new tools to simplify

31:42

the whole process. Bring them your

31:44

project online or with the Angie app,

31:46

answer a few questions, and Angie can handle

31:48

the rest from start to finish. Or

31:51

help you compare quotes from multiple

31:53

pros and connect instantly, which

31:56

means you can take care of just about

31:58

any home project in just a moment. few

32:00

taps because when it comes to getting the

32:02

most out of your home, you can do

32:04

this when you Angie that. Download

32:07

the free Angie mobile app

32:09

today or visit angie.com. That's

32:12

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32:15

com. Hi, I'm Angie Hicks,

32:17

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32:19

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32:21

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32:23

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dot com. All right, Chuckle

32:47

Sandwich listeners. This episode of Chuckle Sandwich

32:49

is once again sponsored by our good

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we love you. Now let's get back to the episode.

34:21

Here we go. This is Orion. I actually

34:23

had a classmate named Orion. We're

34:25

talking about conspiracy theories. This is

34:27

my alley. High fucker, fed and

34:30

fat. Okay. Fuck you, bitch. Okay.

34:33

So my conspiracy theory that I

34:35

fully believe is true is that

34:38

Helen Keller was not real. Okay.

34:40

I just don't think she was

34:43

real because she flew

34:45

a plane. No. I don't

34:48

think I could fly a plane. I don't

34:50

think that Slack could fly a plane. Okay.

34:52

I could fly a plane. I

34:54

could fly a plane. I don't think

34:56

someone who was blind or deaf since they were 14 months

34:59

old could fly a plane. How would she

35:01

even know what a plane was? How

35:04

would she even know she was in a plane? Because

35:06

like- Did she fly a plane? I mean, I just

35:08

don't understand how she would even know sure she was.

35:10

I feel like she'd be like, oh my God, the

35:12

earth is moving. She wouldn't even know she was in

35:15

the air. How would she even know the concept of

35:17

air? I just like, how

35:19

would she know the concept of language? Pause.

35:23

Pause this. What the

35:25

fuck? Okay.

35:28

Can I read this out? In 1946, Keller and a

35:30

companion traveled

35:35

to Europe to speak on behalf

35:37

of the American foundation for the

35:39

overseas blind. It

35:41

was during this flight that

35:43

Keller took control of the

35:45

plane. Interviews with

35:47

the pilot and crew reveal

35:49

an incredibly confident woman flying

35:52

a plane steadily and calmly.

35:55

She's blind and deaf. That's bullshit. Blind,

35:58

deaf, and mute. That's bullshit. That

36:00

no, not that doesn't okay.

36:02

I might be on the same page as this

36:04

girl. That does not, that

36:06

does not compute to me. That

36:09

she was able to fly it. Are

36:11

we, is the conspiracy, how do you even

36:13

communicate to a deaf and blind

36:15

person, the

36:18

concept of flight and,

36:22

and like, the spatial

36:24

awareness to even understand what's

36:27

going on. Like I imagine if

36:29

I was deaf, blind and also semi

36:31

mute, I think if she was, um, I

36:35

would get, they would put those in my hand, the,

36:37

the, the yoke for the plane. And

36:41

I would just be like, I

36:44

would, the first thing I would do it, I'd

36:46

start moving around, trying to get a feeling of

36:48

it. So we're going straight into the ground. We're

36:51

just going, we're just diving, dude. And then even

36:53

if she starts fucking it up, how are you

36:55

going to tell her to stop? You're

36:58

like, Helen, Helen, pull

37:00

up, pull up. I can't hear any of

37:02

the warnings. I just called her it. Yeah.

37:08

No, they just, oh man, she somehow locks

37:10

the pilots out of the, of the, the

37:12

cockpit. She's the only one in there. That's

37:14

another thing. How'd she get in the cockpit?

37:16

I think they brought her. What were the

37:18

pilots just there? Like, you know,

37:20

Helen Keller is on this plane right now and

37:22

get her up here. Get her up here. Let's

37:25

get, let's get him behind the wheel. The fuck

37:27

is that even dude? No, no, no. I'm on

37:29

the same page. I don't think that's a real

37:31

person. No, I totally agree. I

37:35

think if I needed to, yeah, I could figure it

37:37

out. Wait, how old are you now? 24

37:40

you're 24. Okay. Well you can't, you, you're

37:43

not even old enough to, to, to rent

37:45

a car properly. What

37:48

do you mean? They need to be 25 for

37:50

that. Yeah. Most companies. Yeah.

37:53

They charge you extra fee and charge. I,

37:56

I'm worth many million dollars.

37:58

I don't. I haven't looked

38:00

at the price of anything in years, if

38:03

I'm being honest with you. That's because your frontal

38:05

lobe hasn't developed. That's what happens when you turn

38:08

25 and then you just turn on. Remember

38:11

that last time you turned, there's two times

38:13

your brain turns on. One, when the

38:15

towers hit. 9-11. 9-11. And

38:18

two, when you turn 25 or in my case 26

38:21

and you just, and I'm like, shit, I gotta,

38:24

do I have all my stuff for my taxes? Do

38:27

I get all my stuff for my taxes together? And

38:29

the answer is no. Yeah. You

38:31

know? Yeah. Oh. Yeah,

38:34

taxes. Dude, I got a letter from

38:36

them recently saying, you owe us, like,

38:40

yeah, I owe them tens of thousands

38:42

of dollars. Oh. So

38:44

those loopholes aren't working as well as you thought they would

38:46

be? Yeah. Those

38:49

loopholes you were telling me about? Those,

38:52

and I quote, flawless

38:54

loopholes, those stupid yanks

38:57

will never understand. As

39:01

if you weren't born in the US or calling

39:03

the IRS yanks. She's a little weird. Not

39:06

my problem. Not my problem. Fuck

39:10

Helen Keller. Fuck her. Yeah.

39:13

I'll say it. I'm not afraid to say that. Well, fuck

39:15

her. I mean, when was she born? When did she even

39:17

die? When was she alive? Let's take a look at this.

39:20

Wait, she was alive in 1946? Whoa.

39:24

Yikes. 1880 to 1968. She

39:27

lived to 87. She died

39:30

in the sixties? She lived to 87. She died

39:32

in the sixties. She

39:34

was an author, dude. I think that's red

39:36

flag number one. She wrote a book. She

39:40

was born June 27th, 1880. No.

39:47

1880, that doesn't make any sense. No,

39:49

I think it's more, was she just

39:51

faking it for content? She

39:54

was definitely real. They have photos of,

39:56

they have plenty of photos of her.

39:59

She is appearing. Conde she was kind of like

40:01

in it. Why did they make her head so big in that

40:03

book? Now that's

40:05

a thing Funny

40:07

story My dad got me

40:09

two of these books for Christmas. I open them

40:11

up my nine-year-old sister sitting across from me I

40:13

was like are these for her or something

40:15

it was really awkward my dad

40:18

was like oh no I thought you would like them. I

40:20

was like oh Okay,

40:23

like I think these are

40:25

for like kids who don't know about history And

40:28

you knew it was we all was was it

40:30

well, well, no, it wasn't about Helen Keller This

40:32

was this year you got you these this year.

40:34

Yeah, it's like it's like kind of a

40:36

joke And I didn't realize

40:38

I open it was like oh I

40:41

was like oh, I think this is for And

40:44

he was like oh, no, this is for you, and

40:46

I was like Yeah, I can

40:48

read I Can

40:52

read And

40:55

I know who Stephen Hawking with hundreds of words It

40:57

was it was two books one of them was Stephen

40:59

Hawking and the other one I can't remember the other

41:01

one, but I was like Okay,

41:03

and I can read and I know who these people

41:06

are So I don't know

41:08

what the joke was dad. Yeah, it's

41:11

an interesting moment from from your father He

41:14

just thought you were like a fucking idiot Just

41:18

trying to get you So

41:21

wait, what was the main point of

41:23

this original conspirator though? Our

41:25

dad she wasn't real. Oh

41:27

that she never existed in the first place We're

41:30

only halfway through the conspiracy too, but I bet

41:32

it's just gonna be her fucking babbling on again

41:37

Because Like if you're literally

41:39

walking around blind and deaf and you've

41:42

never experienced like someone talking to you

41:44

or like saying anything Like

41:46

how are you gonna know what languages? I'm

41:48

sorry. It's like teaching a mouse what languages

41:50

I know they taught her how to

41:53

speak by they so she'd put her

41:55

fingers in her companions mouth I

41:58

thought she touched her neck Wasn't

42:00

certain. No, in sessions

42:03

and you have intimacy. Yeah.

42:07

Oh, do you want to finish this

42:09

off? You want to move? Yeah, I want to. I want to

42:11

hear what they have to say. I want to hear about 12.

42:13

They've been selected. What? How

42:16

did you do that? And

42:18

if you get like a good question, like read

42:21

her book. She says that like running

42:23

her hands underwater made her learn English

42:25

and that's how she learned English. Um,

42:29

no, I'm sorry. I just

42:31

I don't think that's true. I run my hands underwater

42:33

all the time and I haven't learned like Spanish yet.

42:35

OK, like I just don't I

42:37

don't think that she was real. And, you

42:39

know, even if she was, I think that

42:42

like she was just making it up. Like, I

42:44

just think like she lied about it one day

42:46

and then she was like, oh, shit, I

42:48

got to keep this going. Like, how do you lie

42:50

if you're deaf and blind, though? Thanks. I

42:53

think, OK, I think she

42:55

could probably communicate in some

42:57

ways, but she

42:59

had a very good PR team. Yeah,

43:02

you know, like they were just, you know,

43:04

how like. I think that if you're from

43:06

the 1800s, there

43:10

is definitely an argument to be

43:12

made about lying in these scenarios.

43:14

Yeah, they could. There's a really

43:16

big argument for that in the

43:18

in the age of tonics. And

43:21

when they use cocaine and oil. Yeah,

43:24

you know, this is we're talking about a lady who came from

43:26

a time where she's like, which is like, oh, you got a

43:28

headache. Have some meth. You

43:30

know. Yeah, it's true. It's true. Yeah,

43:33

she just flew the plane. She

43:36

knew what she was doing. Yeah, my wife was yapping

43:38

so much. So we gave her some heroin like,

43:42

you know, it's the

43:44

old days. You got all. Yeah, we got to get

43:46

back to that. Ted,

43:49

do you want one that comes at you

43:51

a little hard? I want something that comes at me.

43:54

OK, there we go. Here. Here's Ren. Hello,

43:59

my name is Ren. them and I'm going

44:01

to try to keep this quick and I'm

44:03

going to try to say this without sounding

44:05

like a parasocial lunatic. So, um,

44:07

Ted Nivison, you're

44:10

cool. I'm not going to like try to like

44:12

headcanon you or anything because that's weird. You're

44:14

a human person. I've seen what is

44:16

headcatered with like YouTubers all the time.

44:18

And it's just it's weird. Um, but

44:21

I am going to say in

44:24

another universe, you

44:26

are absolutely bisexual. Not in this

44:28

one. You say you're straight.

44:30

I trust that you are straight. I can

44:33

say that you definitely

44:35

would be.

44:49

There's probably like, like five reincarnations

44:51

of you in a parallel

44:53

universe that are the one

44:57

that missed like, like one

44:59

that missed the spider verse. And it's

45:01

like when Miles Morales

45:06

says that he has a dad and like all of

45:08

this other spider people like you go to like

45:12

the Ted verse and you're like, yeah, guys,

45:15

I'm actually straight. And all the other bisexual

45:17

tests just like start beating the shit out

45:19

of you. I don't think that if there's

45:21

a Ted verse that it's going to be

45:24

surrounded around the fact that we're all bisexual.

45:26

I feel like that's going to be a

45:28

pretty small factor in the larger asset of

45:30

a Ted verse. No,

45:32

it does surprise me that you don't

45:34

like cock. Why

45:38

sometimes there could be nevermind.

45:41

No, no, no, no,

45:43

no, no. You stepped on that

45:45

stone in the end of Jones.

45:47

Now it's time to deal with

45:49

the, with the, I'll

45:51

walk that one back. Okay. That's,

45:56

that's probably the craziest speak pipe that's

45:58

ever been directed. than me I've ever

46:00

heard is that

46:02

essentially a person saying that they

46:06

don't believe that this

46:08

universe has traded me right in

46:10

the sense that I am not

46:13

bisexual. That

46:16

is, that's a way. Bisexual

46:18

people have more fun, I

46:20

bet. They have every,

46:24

the sample size for them is everybody,

46:26

you know? And so I think most

46:28

of them would say, hey, yeah, I

46:30

mean, this is, straight

46:32

people did get the short end of the stick

46:34

or gay people. It's

46:38

like, it's just

46:40

a weird phrase for someone

46:42

to say, it's like, Ted, there's millions

46:44

of alternate universes, but it may be

46:46

like this one and

46:49

like 21, 22 other

46:51

alternate universes. Like this,

46:53

these are the ones you don't suck cock on

46:56

occasion. That's

46:58

like a weird, that's a

47:00

weird angle to come at. You know, whether, you know,

47:03

and I'm not saying this sucking cock is

47:05

bad. I know many of the people in

47:07

the world have not taken it. Nothing wrong

47:09

with it. Plenty of people partake in the

47:11

suckling of the cock. I know plenty of

47:13

people who suck cock. Some people like him

47:16

circumcised, some people like him uncircumcised. Who cares?

47:18

Uncircumcised all the way. But

47:23

yeah, no, that was, just looks

47:25

better. That was, that was an,

47:27

that was an interesting one. That was

47:29

a real interesting one. Tucker. I

47:31

thought you liked that. What's

47:34

great too is that like Tucker must have heard

47:36

other really parasocial ones like that over his journey

47:38

that like were just so bad that he couldn't

47:40

include them. Well, Ren left three

47:43

back to back to back. Just

47:45

talking about how bisexual I should be. No,

47:48

no, they're all different, but this was the best one.

47:50

Oh, okay. The other one was the other one that

47:52

I was like, I think that slash should be like,

47:54

I think

47:56

that should be in your blood. Like I'm trying to think

47:58

of something like crazy. I

48:02

think it's kind of lame that you had to say like

48:04

oh, I'm trying to think of something Every

48:10

universe but this one slides a furry like

48:12

that's like it's like the same Wow Oh

48:16

I Could

48:18

actually see that it'd be cat based though No

48:21

would not be cat based. No. No, he'd be

48:23

a big goat man. He'd be

48:26

a big buries or yeah I mean,

48:28

you know, there's no cat furries. He already

48:30

has a fursona. He's a goat man. He

48:32

likes to eat chance Let's

48:35

go to Carlos saddle.

48:38

I love how Tucker can just like lock

48:40

in like alright, man I I don't even

48:42

know what speak pipe category this falls under

48:45

but I I'm not gonna dawdle with this

48:47

one All right, dawdle glitch a lot people

48:49

say shit that we're not even thinking, you

48:51

know, we're not thinking of we stutter We

48:54

do spooner isms Spooner is

48:56

bringing in a lot of words altogether.

48:59

Um, it happens. I don't understand why we're

49:01

designed like that It's stupid, but it happens

49:04

anyways, um me and my mom and

49:06

my grandma we would

49:08

leave church to go to Lunch

49:11

and we would usually like try to get in

49:13

just before the rush Just

49:15

before that big after church rush and we went

49:17

to Jim and Nick's and we got in just

49:19

in time It's a real thing

49:21

with a rush. Oh, it's behind us was

49:23

this really big family that was coming in,

49:25

you know preceding the rush uh And

49:28

they had everybody kids middle-aged crashes

49:30

adults and of course the fucking

49:32

old people and I remember distinctly

49:34

that this one old woman Looked

49:36

really fragile and was using a

49:38

walker You look

49:41

like paper mache left at about the same time

49:43

as them So because I'm a normal person I

49:45

held the door open for them and they didn't

49:47

regard me at all They walked out in a

49:49

single file line But at the end of it

49:51

was of course the old lady in

49:53

the walker and she was very sweet to

49:55

me She thanked me for holding the door

49:57

open. She called me a handsome young man

50:00

And I opened my mouth with

50:02

the full intention of saying oh, it's no problem.

50:04

You're welcome. Having I stay Some

50:06

amalgamation of all that Rest

50:10

in peace what Yeah,

50:15

isn't that great What

50:18

was the conspiracy there? There was no conspiracy

50:20

that I just like that one Yeah, I

50:22

briefed you guys at the beginning. I said

50:24

that there's only about half of my conspiracies

50:27

Oh, I forgot I forgot I

50:29

was totally ready for this one to be conspiracy one

50:32

No, it was just funny that he told the old lady

50:34

rest in peace before she died Yeah,

50:36

I Did she

50:39

die? Yeah, she didn't know her as her

50:41

any like update posts or anything No,

50:45

damn it, dude. I was why was

50:47

why was bro using all

50:49

those fancy words? He was a malcomation

50:52

dawdling Lot

50:55

of really it was he was mugging us

50:57

with that fucking mo Yeah,

51:00

what was mugging us that was

51:03

fucking crazy Well,

51:09

I maybe I should have said hey, this is

51:11

just a funny one, yeah, you gotta warn us

51:13

I Feel like I had

51:16

you guys on the line But

51:18

then you guys kind of just spit

51:20

out the hook well, I thought it was gonna be

51:22

a conspiracy, you know Yeah, no And

51:26

then it was like it landed with

51:29

a punchline where we were expecting a

51:31

conspiracy So we got no, I'll

51:33

take the fall for that one guys short circuit us

51:35

dude Yeah, I did

51:37

Carlos does great story But he's

51:40

like you're like Pat like he's walking out

51:42

disappointed right now room and you brought him

51:45

in you're like, this is Carlos He's got

51:47

something really important to tell you. He's like

51:49

Carlos. Hey, I'll get you a beer

51:51

once we get out of here Is

51:54

that that's my fault buddy? Oh,

51:56

that's funny. Well, yeah, give us another conspiracy. I

51:58

want to hear some Okay, here's

52:00

one from Cherry. Hello,

52:03

Tat and Shled and Tucker. My

52:06

conspiracy theory is that Taylor Swift is not a

52:08

real person. She's a

52:10

persona created by the government to

52:12

distract us and have people have

52:15

a more common enemy

52:17

than the government. And

52:20

to get more tax dollars by people going to

52:22

her tours and listening to her music. And she's

52:24

just a AI generator. Thank

52:30

you. Yeah. Yeah,

52:33

Taylor's not real, dude. She's not real.

52:37

A lot of people out there would go

52:40

ahead, Shled. No. Okay,

52:43

well, I got a whole, I got a... Well,

52:46

a lot of people out there would

52:48

be afraid to say things about Taylor

52:50

Swift because she's grown in power. She's

52:53

grown. She has minions.

52:57

She's got like fucking 20 million

52:59

fucking little Twitter

53:01

people running around. They're scary. They're probably

53:04

more dangerous than the Barb's at

53:06

this point. And the Barb's are pretty

53:08

dangerous. Do you agree, Shled? What's

53:12

that? The Barb's? You don't know what the Barb's are?

53:16

Like the little

53:21

razor wire things on

53:23

the top of prison fences? No,

53:25

not like that. Like Nicki

53:28

Minaj stands. They're

53:31

called Barb's? The Barb's. Why

53:35

are they called that? I

53:38

don't know. Something about Barbie, I think. Oh, okay. I

53:41

didn't know that. They're dangerous. But

53:43

I do know that Taylor Swift ones are like

53:45

crazy because it's like they're all this, they're all

53:47

like the, the way

53:50

they behave is like the

53:52

best friend. Like

53:54

the crazy best friend of a girl. And

53:58

that girl is Taylor Swift. and they're like, no,

54:00

you're not gonna talk to my best friend that

54:02

way. I'll kill you, fuck you. Let's get out

54:05

of here, Taylor. You know? And

54:07

that's like an army of people on Twitter. She

54:10

was definitely incubated. Like

54:13

maybe they didn't grow her

54:16

in a lab. But once the life form

54:18

was there, yeah, she

54:22

was incubated. She's

54:24

like, if you had a bearded dragon, you

54:28

hold the little heat lamp above

54:30

them and they just

54:32

suck up all the UV and the

54:34

heat and they don't do

54:36

any, sometimes when it gets a

54:39

little too hot, they'll go like this. And

54:43

that's their indicator to you that it's too much or

54:45

are they just trying to like let the steam off?

54:47

That means they're regulating their temperature. Oh. They're

54:49

blowing off steam in a way. So

54:51

maybe Taylor has something that

54:54

she does that

54:57

is like a tell. She's

54:59

being incubated right now. I

55:02

think that Taylor Swift is someone who

55:06

very clearly has always

55:08

existed in the fame world.

55:11

You know? Like her whole existence. Like she

55:13

doesn't know anything but that. Which

55:16

is like weird because like

55:18

when we were kids, fucking,

55:22

you belong with me. That's coming

55:25

out, you know? She

55:27

wears short skirts, I wear

55:30

T-shirts. That's coming out. She's

55:32

34. 34

55:35

years, oh really? I thought she was like fucking 29 or

55:38

something. No, she's been

55:40

at it for a while. Yeah. No

55:43

kids. No kids at 34. 5'11

55:46

dude, that's kind of intimidating. 1.3

55:51

billion dollars but not one kid. Hmm.

55:54

Damn. Single. Single?

55:58

No, she's not single. She's

56:00

got that football guy on the side, but

56:02

they're not married. She's got that jock. Yeah.

56:06

That fucking jock. Travis

56:10

Kelsey, dude. She does,

56:12

that is really what she's doing. She's,

56:15

she's got, she's being the cheerleader girl

56:17

with the guy on the football

56:19

field. No, well she's literally in the

56:21

bleachers, dude. She's not the cheerleader. She's

56:25

in the, she's on the, in the bleachers.

56:30

She's there. She's on the bleachers.

56:33

They're the final evolution of the cheerleader

56:35

and the jock. That's like as

56:37

good as it gets at the top of the pyramid.

56:39

Without a doubt, dude. Like that is like, cause

56:42

she's, I mean, yeah, I know

56:44

she's got like, she definitely has

56:46

like a private nuke. For

56:49

sure. You

56:51

know, if there's

56:54

any pop star that I'm almost 100%

56:56

sure has a private nuke. She's

56:59

got like a luscious. She's saving it

57:01

for Travie too. You

57:03

know that when he ends that she's going to be

57:05

like, she's going to be like, are

57:08

you sure? Cause I've got little, I've

57:10

got my, I've got a, I've got

57:12

both keys to the briefcase for a

57:16

little Travie and there's a reason why I named

57:18

it an FDU. You

57:20

know? Little Travie? Yeah.

57:23

I'm thinking like it's a- This is the same

57:25

naming conventions that we did back in 1945. She's

57:30

got a little Travie and who's

57:34

the big one? Who's the

57:36

big one? Yeah. Well,

57:38

she's got two nukes. Big

57:40

Tay. Big

57:43

Tay? Who's Tay? Big Tay Tay. Oh,

57:46

Taylor. Little Travie and Big

57:48

Tay Tay. Baron,

57:50

wow. They're each like, they're each

57:52

like, they're, and they're not

57:55

big deal. They're not big

57:57

deal nukes though. You know? No,

57:59

they're not. Eight to ten kilotons. Little boys.

58:02

Eight to ten kilotons, something like that. Eight

58:06

to ten kilotons? Like somewhere in

58:08

that range, something reasonable, something within

58:12

my price range at least when it comes to nukes. What

58:14

are you doing? I think you're doing something

58:16

again. Buying

58:19

a nuke? No, because, no, well hold

58:22

on. Well,

58:26

no, I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out, bro. You

58:29

okay? I'm freaking out. I

58:32

think you're doing something. That's

58:35

so vague. Because,

58:37

well, it was the Buzzfeed shit

58:40

where you said 20 to 30

58:42

factoids and then you just threw out eight

58:44

to ten kilotons. I mean it

58:47

could be five to ten, I don't know. You really

58:49

don't like ranges. You're just saying, well,

58:51

I don't know. You don't like a range. I

58:54

don't, maybe I don't. Okay, fine. Ten

58:56

kilotons. Let's keep it solid. I'm itchy

58:58

right now. Yeah, let's keep it solid. Still a fuck.

59:01

Ten kilotons. Ten kilotons. Okay.

59:04

Tucker, can you look that up? How much would ten kilotons go

59:06

for on the black market,

59:08

deep state, something? Wait,

59:11

what? They actually have these numbers?

59:14

Okay, here we go. This is from CNBC. How

59:18

much a nuclear weapon costs? North

59:21

Korea's nuclear spending is at

59:24

1.1 to 3.2 billion. That's

59:30

not that bad. Taylor definitely makes that

59:32

much. Maybe not. How

59:35

much is she worth? Yeah. How

59:38

much? Oh, we just

59:40

told you. What?

59:45

1.3 billion. 1.3 billion. Oh, we

59:47

just saw this. Oh, yeah. 1.3

59:51

billion. So she's like in

59:54

the range. If she spent everything that

59:56

she's worth one year, she could have

59:58

one good year of nuclear. of

1:00:01

a nuclear program. That's pretty

1:00:03

good. Should be like launching

1:00:05

little missiles over Japan. Taylor

1:00:09

Swift has launched another one. The

1:00:13

US has recently announced sanctions

1:00:15

against Taylor after she launched,

1:00:18

oh here you go, ready for this Schlatt? Three

1:00:20

to five nuclear missiles over Japan.

1:00:23

No, stop, stop dude, stop. I

1:00:26

don't think you, you know what I think it is, I don't think you

1:00:28

like the uncertainty of it. I think you're very clear cut. You

1:00:32

need accuracy. You

1:00:35

want accuracy of reporting. I like being accurate about things, I do. 1.3

1:00:42

billion dollars, I mean, that's

1:00:44

crazy. She's definitely real, she's definitely

1:00:46

real, guys. I don't think Taylor

1:00:49

Swift is like a psy up,

1:00:51

but I sure think that she's

1:00:54

been incubated. And they're probably incubating her

1:00:56

right now, maybe that's what they do

1:00:58

to her when she's not on stage.

1:01:00

Maybe she goes in the incubation chamber.

1:01:02

You know what I think that she

1:01:05

is? What? I

1:01:07

think that she is the creation of

1:01:09

Madame Tussaud. I think

1:01:12

Madame Tussaud took all

1:01:14

of her wax figures and

1:01:17

just put them in one big vat and

1:01:19

then. Like the stoop. She

1:01:21

was like, she was Pinocchio, like she was

1:01:25

Frappucchelli or whatever his name was. Pulling

1:01:29

them into a mold and

1:01:31

then out came Taylor Swift. It was

1:01:33

like the perfect, the most, like

1:01:38

this is our celebrity that we're gonna use.

1:01:41

This is the best one. This is like the,

1:01:44

this is a little Tennessee creature.

1:01:49

Tennessee creature. That's what she is.

1:01:52

Let's do another. Let's

1:01:55

do another, let's do another. Smoke

1:01:58

cigarettes, right? Yeah. Here's

1:02:02

a schmongus clong. Juckled sandwich,

1:02:04

dude. Oh, fuck, man. I

1:02:06

love chuckling, dude. Oh, man.

1:02:09

What's up, gang? Nice. Thank you.

1:02:11

My conspiracy theory

1:02:14

is I

1:02:16

don't actually think cigarettes are

1:02:19

addicting. Addictive.

1:02:21

I think it's all in

1:02:23

our heads that they meant to be. So

1:02:26

we, Oh, okay. So we then become

1:02:29

addicted to it. I don't think it's actually addicting.

1:02:31

I don't think there's any sort of what

1:02:33

the fuck is this nicotine shit that talk about,

1:02:36

man? You fucking serious,

1:02:38

dude? Get out of here. The addictive substance.

1:02:40

It's not real, man. You're the way you're

1:02:42

telling me some made-up word is going

1:02:45

to get me hooked onto the shit for the

1:02:47

rest of my life. Get fucked, bro. This isn't

1:02:49

real, dude. This is a real life. I

1:02:52

think that big marketing. Are you trying

1:02:54

to tell me that most of these

1:02:56

speedpipes are just people saying that things

1:02:58

are treated in 12 brains. That

1:03:01

smirk is addicting. No, most of them are

1:03:03

then made us aren't even cohesive. And that's

1:03:05

my thing. That's my thing for you. I

1:03:07

can tell you tell me what the fuck

1:03:09

now you say what you think. So this

1:03:11

guy's whole thing is that he just thinks

1:03:13

in our head because it

1:03:15

is because nicotine isn't an addictive

1:03:18

substance that affects your

1:03:20

brain. Oh, no, he's saying because the

1:03:22

market is he says because of the

1:03:24

marketing the marketing. Well, I'll give

1:03:26

them that addictive. They were those

1:03:29

those ads back in the day went

1:03:31

hard as fuck. They're toasted.

1:03:34

They're great. Which add that Pro or

1:03:36

the anti? The

1:03:39

pro like the the yeah. What

1:03:43

the fuck? Well, the anti-sauce.

1:03:45

I was like, I was like, man, that's

1:03:47

a good one. I'm

1:03:49

80 years old. I'm gonna die. Yeah,

1:03:51

that was scary. You think that was

1:03:54

really getting me hooked on him? Well,

1:03:56

I think it was convincing us that it was addicting.

1:04:00

They never show you people getting

1:04:03

stuff from cigars though. Something

1:04:05

along the way cigars felt like they kind

1:04:07

of missed, they didn't get

1:04:09

involved. Like they were the kid doing the most damage on

1:04:13

the playground, but they didn't get pulled aside by the

1:04:15

teacher and they're just like, oh, okay, I'm just gonna

1:04:17

keep doing my thing. They flew under the radar, they

1:04:19

did. Cigars are cool

1:04:21

as fuck, dude. Cool as fuck, cool

1:04:23

as fuck. I just bought us some.

1:04:26

Ooh, nice. For next

1:04:29

week. Oh yeah, oh yeah,

1:04:31

oh yeah. Yeah,

1:04:34

you like that? I do like that. Are they

1:04:36

big fat ones? Sucking on a

1:04:38

stogie. I smoke my stogie wherever I want.

1:04:40

Oh man, next time. Oh, that's a good

1:04:42

video. Next time, we should have a Chuckle

1:04:44

cigar episode. Okay,

1:04:47

okay. That's a fun one. We all

1:04:49

get it and we all get little

1:04:52

smokers jackets. We can do a

1:04:54

little intro too where you go and you pick them

1:04:56

out. Maybe Schlatt shows us, he picks them out. Schlatt,

1:04:58

do you have a preference for, do you have a

1:05:00

preference for one? Some

1:05:02

Cubans maybe? Yeah, everyone

1:05:04

wants the Cubans, dude. Well,

1:05:07

of course. Everyone wants the Cubans. They're the best.

1:05:10

You can get them now too because there's no,

1:05:12

what, there's no like Phantom

1:05:15

Tax anymore on Cuban

1:05:17

imports. Thank God. Oh, the

1:05:19

one good thing Obama did. Is

1:05:22

that, was that Obama? Yeah. Yes,

1:05:25

sir. Nice one, Barack.

1:05:29

Nice one, Barry. What

1:05:33

else do we got another conspiracy? Speak here. How about

1:05:35

it? Another conspiracy.

1:05:38

Sure, here's a conspiracy from Ally. Hello,

1:05:41

Medmucker and Matt. My

1:05:43

conspiracy theory is about

1:05:45

the afterlife. I'm an

1:05:47

atheist, so I don't really belong to

1:05:50

a certain religion, but

1:05:53

unlike other religions, Christianity,

1:05:56

is whatever you believe in. I don't really

1:05:58

care. They

1:06:00

believe heaven, hell, just you go

1:06:03

somewhere after you die, reincarnation. I

1:06:06

think when you die, you're dead. There's nothing

1:06:08

after that. Blank void,

1:06:10

not even. You're gone, nothing

1:06:13

happens. That's it.

1:06:16

No going back, no life after

1:06:18

that, no more life. That's a

1:06:21

conspiracy? Over, nada. My history

1:06:23

teacher told me this was cynical. Tell

1:06:26

me if it is or

1:06:29

if I have

1:06:31

a right to believe in this. Also

1:06:34

the pyramids hold knowledge.

1:06:37

You can believe in whatever the fuck

1:06:39

you want. It doesn't make you smart. Yeah,

1:06:43

this doesn't sound like a conspiracy

1:06:46

to me. Oh, girl's

1:06:48

going to spend her whole life,

1:06:50

her whole, whole eternal life after

1:06:52

this one, apart from

1:06:55

Jesus Christ. It's

1:06:57

a gamble. It's

1:06:59

a gamble. Being atheist.

1:07:02

I have some jokes about this, but I'm not going to burn

1:07:04

them. I'm not going to burn

1:07:06

them. I'm keeping myself. But it is a gamble.

1:07:09

It is a gamble to be atheist. No, you

1:07:11

don't need to burn Ali. God will do that.

1:07:14

What? Oh, hell. God

1:07:16

will do that. Yeah. Yep.

1:07:19

The eternal gnashing of the teeth and

1:07:21

the weeping, you know? Gnashing

1:07:23

of the teeth? Is that how life? Is

1:07:27

that a bar? That's what they refer to hell ass. You

1:07:29

know, the internal gnashing of the teeth? I

1:07:32

don't like that. The weeping and

1:07:34

the gnashing of teeth. I don't like that. Yeah. I

1:07:37

don't like that. Dude. Yeah. Scary

1:07:40

as fuck. I don't want to be there. Fuck.

1:07:44

Shit. Well, I'm going I'm probably going there because

1:07:46

I got denied communion. That guy basically sealed the

1:07:48

deal with that little. Well, no, you didn't get

1:07:50

you can you didn't go to confession. I

1:07:53

can't touch you. You're going to communion. I'm not

1:07:56

giving you a little piece of bread. You

1:07:58

need to. to go to

1:08:00

confession and uh, I don't

1:08:02

want to talk to a priest like, like

1:08:06

out of anyone that I could talk to about rights and

1:08:08

wrongs. Do you think a Catholic priest is a person? Starting

1:08:13

now. Get used to that

1:08:15

feeling buddy. I feel like, you

1:08:18

know what I think? I'll

1:08:21

tell you. That's

1:08:27

you bro. That's you. What

1:08:31

would your greatest, what would your punishment in hell

1:08:34

be if you had to choose? Like

1:08:36

what would be the pain? They don't

1:08:38

do the punishment is not be with

1:08:40

Jesus bro. That's the punishment.

1:08:42

What's you just in a hot area then

1:08:44

they are they doing anything else? Oh,

1:08:47

I'm Tom's dude on duty every other day.

1:08:50

Oh yeah. They fuck you with the S 24 seven. You know,

1:08:54

Tucker was talking about how he still has dreams.

1:08:56

He still has dreams and he's back.

1:08:59

That's my most recurring dream. That's my

1:09:01

most recurring dream by far. That's

1:09:03

that is literally

1:09:05

trauma. That is like

1:09:08

PTSD shit. Dude,

1:09:10

cause you're stuck. You're on a contract, you

1:09:12

know, you're not getting out with a prison.

1:09:15

Oh, you go to prison. If you,

1:09:17

wait, really? Yeah. Oh wait,

1:09:21

this is, you guys would like this. The

1:09:23

Marine Corps post this video. They,

1:09:25

there's a prison labor camp

1:09:28

for the Marine Corps. It's all Marines running

1:09:31

it and it's Marines in

1:09:33

it who have committed like, um, court

1:09:36

martial level stuff. So like felonies,

1:09:38

but within the Marine Corps and

1:09:40

they've allowed the Marine Corps to like handle

1:09:43

it. And there's a labor

1:09:45

camp in Japan. It's

1:09:48

overseas on a base and they

1:09:50

do hard labor every day. Like

1:09:52

they break rocks. That's all they do.

1:09:54

They just break rocks. Why

1:09:57

are they breaking rocks? As

1:09:59

punishment. They're breaking rocks

1:10:01

by the numbers. Like somebody's sitting there yelling at

1:10:04

them to break more rocks on the beat every

1:10:06

time. They have to

1:10:08

do it to the beat of a song? To

1:10:10

the, to like the guy's cadence.

1:10:12

Yeah, like that. I

1:10:16

thought they'd just like hook them up to

1:10:18

a bunch of treadmills or something and have

1:10:20

them generate power. What are we still breaking

1:10:22

rocks for? How does that not violate rights?

1:10:24

Because it's in Japan, dude. And

1:10:27

you sign away your rights in the Marine Corps. You

1:10:29

take the oath, you sign them away. You're

1:10:32

under the UCMJ now, not the normal

1:10:34

like rights of the US civilians. You

1:10:36

don't get the Constitution anymore? No.

1:10:41

So you apply to the Uniform

1:10:43

Code of Military Justice, UCMJ. It's

1:10:45

like a whole new rule book

1:10:48

and it's way fucking worse. Are

1:10:50

you back to being a real

1:10:52

boy now? I'm free, dude. I'm free as

1:10:54

can be. Nice. I

1:10:57

like to run. It took eight years though. It's

1:11:00

eight years. That's a gamble too, because you could you

1:11:02

could accidentally fuck something up and then just get sent

1:11:04

to a labor camp then. Like

1:11:07

what if you accidentally like the longer you stay in?

1:11:09

Like I can't imagine if you were like one of

1:11:11

those, like one of the guys that you were with,

1:11:13

they were there staying into the Marines and like some

1:11:16

of the guys that you know are like fucking like 28 or something.

1:11:18

They're still in the Marines. Wait,

1:11:21

what are you saying? Like some of the guys in the

1:11:23

Marines, like they stay in for like the whole career. Yeah.

1:11:28

Like, well, you know, you stay in for that level, dude.

1:11:31

You might you might mess something up. You

1:11:33

might actually smoke some weed, blow

1:11:35

up a grenade in your hand and lose

1:11:37

your hand. No, that that wouldn't bring you

1:11:39

there. Oh, really? No, you

1:11:41

have to do something really bad, like

1:11:43

felony bad. Mm hmm.

1:11:46

Something something you should look it up. It's

1:11:48

crazy. It's crazy. That's pretty

1:11:50

awful stuff. I get emotional about life.

1:11:52

Now you kind of bum. You bum

1:11:54

me out with the sincerity of that,

1:11:56

of that delivery. That I'm sorry.

1:12:00

It's the glass. I'm a sinner, but

1:12:02

we're all sinners. And what matters is

1:12:05

what we do after the sitting. Do we have

1:12:07

any more conspiracies, Tucker? Let

1:12:10

me let's let's take a look here. Let's start from the

1:12:12

top. We have this one. We

1:12:14

can do this one here. This is

1:12:16

from Ariana Ariana. You left a lot.

1:12:19

I mean, you kind of did like accuracy

1:12:21

by volume here. I was going to whip out. And

1:12:25

I started off a little strong. My

1:12:27

theory is that British

1:12:30

people sound like

1:12:33

that's not actually how they sound. And

1:12:37

they just made the harmonic and the back

1:12:39

for you, bro. Yeah. Where are you? Like

1:12:41

a fucking Texas roadhouse. If they do back

1:12:43

out of the accent, they'll be it's

1:12:45

worse now. Like you

1:12:48

listen to a like Birmingham accent and

1:12:50

a Manchester accent. It's like

1:12:52

they're different, I think. Maybe those are the worst

1:12:54

examples. I don't know anything about Brit Landi. I

1:12:56

feel like you listen

1:12:58

to those things and it just doesn't seem possible.

1:13:01

Like, why is it so different? I feel like one

1:13:03

dude is like, wait, guys, this will be really funny

1:13:05

if we just start being like, oh,

1:13:07

brother, I'll ship you

1:13:09

up, brother. Or I'll

1:13:11

stab you, brother. And

1:13:14

it's like this is a dumb person. This

1:13:18

is a very stupid person. This is I

1:13:21

mean, our chuckle submissions were the worst

1:13:23

they've ever been. This is

1:13:25

my far. This is rough. We really need a

1:13:27

we need it like. Like

1:13:31

I get it, but it's like. You

1:13:35

can say that about any accent, really. Yeah,

1:13:37

wait, I think there's one here that's saying

1:13:39

that Ted isn't in his fashion era. What

1:13:41

the fuck's that about? OK, here is Sophia

1:13:44

and Kira. Hey,

1:13:46

guys. Hey, they're

1:13:48

drunk. Ted Ted. Oh,

1:13:50

they're wasted. Absolutely

1:13:53

wasted. So in here, I hear

1:13:56

we're at a disagreement agreement. Where

1:14:00

is Ted? Ted is not

1:14:02

in his fashion era. Okay.

1:14:05

Ted. I'm sorry Ted, you look like a

1:14:07

grandpa. Ted, you belong on the cover of

1:14:09

the movie. And you guys sound like you're

1:14:11

fucking drinking. Dude, for... No, but they have

1:14:13

a point here, Ted. Can you stand up

1:14:15

for us? Yeah,

1:14:17

yeah, can you? Can you stand up for us?

1:14:19

I refuse. What did

1:14:21

Kira say? She said you looked like

1:14:23

a grandpa? Maybe. Why

1:14:27

would they say that, Ted? Stand up. Would

1:14:29

you like to... We'll prove them wrong. Ted,

1:14:32

hold one leg up. Listen,

1:14:35

man. I got my... They're

1:14:38

good for walking. Just one leg. They're good for

1:14:40

walking. Just hold one leg up. Oh,

1:14:43

they're good for walking. I

1:14:45

better not see a big end on these sneakers.

1:14:49

Oh. Yeah, hold up one

1:14:51

leg. Dude. All right. You

1:14:54

got a problem? No, no, no,

1:14:56

no. Oh, come on. All the way. Come

1:14:59

on. Listen, man. Come

1:15:01

on. I'm hip. Stand up.

1:15:05

These shoes got me feeling three years younger. Uh-huh.

1:15:08

Oh, boy. Yeah.

1:15:13

Yeah. Uh-huh.

1:15:18

Listen, man. I feel three

1:15:20

years, at least three years younger. Three

1:15:22

to five years younger. Certainly don't look

1:15:24

that way. Three to ten years younger.

1:15:26

No. Three to fifteen years younger.

1:15:28

Dude, stop with the ranges. There's something going on. I feel

1:15:31

three years younger. I'm 23 right now. Something

1:15:33

is going on right here. All right. All right. Tucker,

1:15:36

what's going on? Dude, I can't. What's

1:15:38

going on? Oh, my God. Well, this is

1:15:40

one very good thing. Yeah. And I just

1:15:42

did, not more than that. I know the right thing. One more time. Yes.

1:15:46

Tucker, what's going on, dude?

1:15:50

So you tell me what you think's going on.

1:15:52

I don't know. Because we

1:15:54

all know nothing's going on with you. Nothing's

1:15:56

going on with you. I'm normal. normal

1:16:00

one here. Would you say that you have

1:16:02

a bit of a conspiracy right now? Schlatt?

1:16:05

I think there might be one. Really? I

1:16:07

think something's going on. I think he put you up

1:16:09

to something. I put Tucker up to something. I

1:16:12

know. I think Tucker put you up to something. Really?

1:16:15

I put you both up to a little something and

1:16:18

Schlatt failed. I just won. He did terrible.

1:16:22

Ted just won big time. Okay. I just won

1:16:24

big time. So Ted's

1:16:26

task was to say,

1:16:29

originally it was to say the numbers one through 20

1:16:31

had to say every single number, but

1:16:33

he killed that. So we just pushed it to as

1:16:36

many numbers as he could get. I really stressful towards

1:16:38

the end. Once, once I got to the buzzfeed part,

1:16:40

trying to play that off was really tough. I

1:16:42

had no idea what to say. I

1:16:45

think I gas lit him pretty well though. You

1:16:47

did. How was my gas lighting Schlatt? I don't

1:16:49

know. I didn't know what I didn't know. I

1:16:52

figured you had something to do with

1:16:54

the, I thought it was just ranges.

1:16:56

I thought you had to say. I

1:16:59

started leading you that way. I started

1:17:01

leading you that way. But you just had to

1:17:03

say numbers. That was the, I just had to

1:17:06

say numbers. He said almost every

1:17:08

single number between one and 40. No,

1:17:10

but he gave ranges though. Right? No,

1:17:12

that was, that was just like, get

1:17:14

the number out. Yeah. Like, like Tucker

1:17:16

was saying stuff like, Oh, you

1:17:18

missed like eight and 10. So when I was talking about

1:17:20

the nukes, I was like eight to 10 kilotons just

1:17:22

to get it over with. That's when

1:17:24

you blew it. No, that's when

1:17:27

Schlatt caught it. That's when I blew it. No,

1:17:29

I blew it with the Buzzfeed one. You should

1:17:31

have said a single. No, no, no, no, because

1:17:33

then I know because then I gas lit them

1:17:35

well because I started saying, I started saying you

1:17:37

just have a problem with ranges and I started

1:17:40

making them question his own problem with it. Am

1:17:43

I wrong Schlatt? Did that not effectively? Well,

1:17:46

well, hold on. What was the, I don't

1:17:48

even know what the, the goal of this

1:17:50

challenge was stupid. It was stupid. I'm at

1:17:52

lunch. I'm at lunch. I'm, I'm, I'm having

1:17:55

some nice sushi and sugar fish. And I

1:17:57

get a call from Tucker and he's like

1:17:59

Ted. All right, I got a plan for you for

1:18:01

this episode. So what you're going to I'm like, what? And

1:18:04

he's like, okay. So what you're going to do is I

1:18:06

need you to say the numbers one through 20 at some

1:18:09

point in the episode without schlad knowing what's going

1:18:11

on. And I'm like, I feel like I could

1:18:13

do that pretty easily. I'm pretty sure I did

1:18:15

it in the first 10 minutes.

1:18:18

Yeah, that's, and that's why I, I was updating

1:18:20

it. I said, okay, let's just push this as

1:18:22

far as we can get it. So you said

1:18:24

every single number I've been keeping track of both

1:18:27

of you for like all of them, not in

1:18:29

order, but like at some point, wow,

1:18:32

I've been keeping track. Nice. Congrats.

1:18:34

Ted definitely has Ted. Would you like

1:18:37

to take a guess at what Schlatz

1:18:39

challenge was? What was his challenge? Okay.

1:18:42

Don't you don't say, okay. How

1:18:44

many of these did I get? You're at

1:18:47

three, dude. No, I, no, I, I said

1:18:49

at least five. No way.

1:18:51

Yes. No, dude. I've been listening.

1:18:53

What? Okay. Well, should

1:18:55

we just dive into this then? Well, Ted, what

1:18:57

did you think Tucker was trying to get me

1:18:59

to say? I don't know. I was, I was

1:19:01

too focused on my thing, dude. So how do

1:19:03

you know? So who won? Was it me who

1:19:05

guessed what his challenge was or was it him

1:19:08

who said more of them? I would say so

1:19:10

if Schlatt also had a challenge, then it was

1:19:12

obvious that he was like trying to figure something.

1:19:14

Did you tell Schlatt that I also had a

1:19:16

challenge? No, I had no idea that you had

1:19:18

a challenge. I knew that, that you

1:19:20

would hyper fixate on your challenge. Well yeah, cause I

1:19:22

got fucking ADHD, dude. I'm not going to be able

1:19:24

to, I'm trying to focus on talking through

1:19:26

the cover. I knew Schlatt was probably thinking, oh,

1:19:29

Ted also has something going on. What

1:19:31

is it? While also doing his, but

1:19:33

his was harder. What is his? I

1:19:35

was way harder. You gave me a

1:19:37

list of words that I would sound

1:19:39

ridiculous saying every single one of them.

1:19:41

You sounded so good that I, apparently

1:19:43

I've missed too. That's how good

1:19:45

you sounded. Okay. Well,

1:19:47

that just means I was trying really hard and did a

1:19:50

good job. There was a couple of times where I thought

1:19:52

you were going to slip one in and you didn't know.

1:19:54

It's like, Oh, how, how

1:19:57

would I have slipped some of these words?

1:20:00

Okay, that is the word edge of his seat here. Oh, yeah.

1:20:03

I'm excited to hear what the words are here. I'll

1:20:05

pull it up I'll pull it up Here's

1:20:08

the words that shellat had to he

1:20:10

wanted me to say skibbity Full

1:20:14

of these in the episode without you

1:20:16

knowing that it was a bit I

1:20:18

didn't hear blood I didn't I know

1:20:24

These are things these are if anything mine

1:20:26

was a little bit harder because these are

1:20:28

all no Right now

1:20:30

that would have been perfectly appropriate for

1:20:32

schlatt to say facetiously No,

1:20:35

no, I know that's why

1:20:37

he got what I heard was angrily he

1:20:39

would have been fine. I Know

1:20:42

he'd just be like, what do you think of that blood?

1:20:46

No Ted

1:20:51

you're being dululu right

1:20:53

now Like

1:21:00

this you're gonna go on Ted

1:21:02

I'm looks maxing That

1:21:05

would have worked Well, I got

1:21:07

I got blood. I got phantom

1:21:09

tax. Yep. I said Mogging

1:21:12

and I said Ohio. I don't

1:21:14

remember I never

1:21:17

heard blood. I never heard phantom tax.

1:21:19

Mogging in Ohio So

1:21:25

we both had Conspiracies against each other

1:21:27

on the conspiracy episode if anything the

1:21:29

conspiracies that we had were better I

1:21:32

mean Ted did a better job bringing

1:21:34

out the numbers and actually getting them

1:21:36

into the conversation I was just too

1:21:38

mortified to say fucking Riz and skibbity

1:21:43

Got in dululu Fucking

1:21:46

skibbity. I just couldn't believe that one.

1:21:49

I just couldn't believe that I was supposed to say

1:21:51

skibbity Would have been the hardest one. I've been I

1:21:53

would have been like why you bringing up skibbity toilet

1:21:56

right now I don't

1:21:58

think shlatt was was worried

1:22:00

about you figuring it out. I think he was

1:22:02

more of a pride issue. I don't think he'd

1:22:04

bring himself to say it. It

1:22:06

was, it was like a, it does

1:22:09

sound like it was. It was just like, I

1:22:11

can't say this shit. I definitely feel like I,

1:22:14

you probably, did you not give me the vocab

1:22:16

word, Tucker, one, because you knew that I was

1:22:19

gonna have no problem saying

1:22:21

them? No, I think Schlatt

1:22:23

would have figured it out. Really? Because

1:22:25

I say some pretty ridiculous stuff. So

1:22:28

he put more points into perception. You

1:22:32

think so? Oh, he's always perceiving, dude.

1:22:34

Look at him right now. That's why he's

1:22:36

got those glasses, dude. The glasses are plus one right

1:22:38

there. Dude, I still feel like I gas-led pretty well,

1:22:40

though. I'd like a congratulations on my gas-lighting schlatt, please.

1:22:43

Dude, my glasses are more perceptive than yours.

1:22:45

But I want- Those are like little dainty

1:22:47

fuck me glasses. Come on, you got- Come

1:22:49

on, you got- Those are bisexual glasses. Yeah,

1:22:51

those are, those are! It's

1:22:54

the glasses! Mine? Those

1:22:57

are bisexual glasses. Okay. That's

1:22:59

the one. And mine are a

1:23:02

serial killer once. Yeah. Yeah.

1:23:06

I gas-lit pretty well, come on. It's

1:23:10

not a thing to be proud of, you know?

1:23:12

Well, I wouldn't do it normally, but in this case,

1:23:14

I would. Yeah, yeah.

1:23:17

No, that was, I mean, that was fun. I mean, it was

1:23:20

a little stressful. I'd

1:23:23

be lying if I say, if I say that

1:23:25

was probably the most stressed that I've been in

1:23:27

a conversation. That's probably the first time I've lied in a long

1:23:29

time. So, oh

1:23:32

man. Well, Chucklers.

1:23:36

Hey, Chucklers. Chuckle you later. Chuck

1:23:38

you later. Thanks for stopping by.

1:23:41

On this episode of Chuckle Sandwich podcast,

1:23:44

we'll look smack you later, stay

1:23:47

delulu, and hey blood, remember,

1:23:50

your gyat is always mewing

1:23:52

when it's Ohio Riz-Mogging. Scaredy.

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