0:00

Hello and welcome to

0:02

Citation Needed,

0:05

the podcast where

0:07

we choose

0:12

a subject, read a single

0:25

article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts because

0:27

this is the internet and that's how it works now.

0:29

I'm Noah and I'm going to be this

0:32

cult's charismatic leader this week, but what's a

0:34

cult without a few disciples? First up, two

0:36

guys who aren't catching that comment if it

0:38

doesn't slow the fuck down, Cecil and he

0:40

will, however, lasso the moon for you. I

0:43

like Ted lasso. I wasn't

0:45

ready. I wasn't ready for that. I just

0:47

did an association on my own. Only

0:50

the show were screwed. Can't always. You

0:55

said that off script, whatever. Two

0:57

guys who want to spike the

0:59

bunch at Jonestown, Eli and Tom.

1:01

Well excuse me for wanting to

1:03

go out smiling Noah. I just

1:05

wanted to have a little fun.

1:08

Hey, putting the jungle in jungle juice since 1978.

1:13

Fuck yeah. And before we dive

1:15

in, I want to thank our patrons. Patrons, thanks. Sometimes

1:19

it's just straight forward sometimes. It

1:22

always had to be a thematic bit. Yeah.

1:25

So and of course, if you'd like to learn how to join

1:27

the ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the

1:29

show. And with that out of the way, tell us he what

1:31

person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event we'll be talking about today.

1:33

We're going to be talking about companies

1:35

that are heavily tied to religious

1:38

cults. Interesting. Okay. So

1:41

how did you land on that topic? Well, Noah, like

1:43

all my amazing, great genius ideas,

1:45

this one started when I was

1:47

doing some very serious journalism like

1:49

I do about international

1:51

commerce and also the metaphysical

1:53

underpinnings of our universe. So

1:56

I went on Instagram. Bryson

2:00

and your... Okay, alright, alright. Well,

2:03

thanks to some guy on Instagram doing,

2:05

you know those obnoxious like one man,

2:07

two character videos they all do? I

2:09

don't like those. One

2:11

of those guys was doing that

2:14

and I learned that Celestial Seasoning's

2:16

P is run by a

2:18

crazy person who is a prominent leader

2:20

in a cult. And

2:23

I learned that the same goes for a

2:25

bunch of other companies when I did a

2:27

little bit more research. Even if

2:29

you take away the cults called all

2:31

the major religions in the world, it's

2:33

still pretty hard to avoid spending

2:35

money that eventually lands in the bank account of

2:38

a sociopath who

2:40

nobody would have sex with until he turned

2:42

himself into a magical godhead wizard or something

2:44

like that. Okay patrons, do not listen to

2:47

that man. I'm unlikely to turn into a

2:49

wizard. Okay, just

2:51

magical godheads at the time. And

2:54

pretty much every time with those

2:56

magical godhead wizards, they

2:58

start selling stuff. Apparently

3:01

that's like most of capitalism. So we're going

3:03

to talk about some of the culty companies

3:05

and their backstories. Okay, but if we don't

3:07

dedicate a section to everywhere that says, we're

3:10

like a family here but doesn't have paid

3:12

maternity leave, I do this episode under

3:14

protest. Yeah, listen

3:16

now to be clear, you're talking about companies that

3:18

start as cults, right? So like as opposed to

3:20

like Apple and Tesla. Exactly.

3:23

So before we get into the cult

3:26

of sleepy time herbs, I'll give you some of

3:28

the other examples I found of companies that are

3:30

tied to cults. And again, I'm

3:32

a very serious podcast

3:35

journalist. So you know,

3:37

but I'm serious. I didn't get all my

3:39

information on Instagram. I also had a listicle

3:43

on Ranker. So a citation

3:45

needed topics all the way

3:47

back in January of 2018.

3:51

The challenger turns

3:53

out that whole disaster was thanks

3:55

to cult leader and convicted

3:58

sex criminal Warren. Jeffs.

4:00

He's the president of the

4:02

fundamentalist Latter-day Saints, or FLDS.

4:05

To be clear, that's not

4:07

the perfectly reasonable LDS church

4:09

that's known for sex crimes

4:11

and rampant fraud. This is

4:13

the fundamentalist offshoot of

4:16

the LDS church that's known for also sex

4:18

crimes and rampant fraud. The FLDS split

4:20

off in 1890 because

4:22

God told them that you

4:25

have to have abusive polygamy,

4:27

and the main LDS church in

4:29

1890 was ending that practice. Yeah,

4:32

we're toning down the abusive to

4:34

just damaging. It's not you, it's

4:36

me. It's me. It's not y'all,

4:38

it's me, and this is me.

4:43

Yeah, so the Mormon church

4:45

of 1890 that

4:48

recognized black people having souls 88 years later,

4:52

they were too woke for the

4:54

FLDS. That's our context for

4:56

this cult. Warren Jeffs, his

4:58

father, Rulon Jeffs, ruled

5:01

the cult for decades from their fortified

5:04

compound in Utah, where Rulon received

5:06

messages from God about the extreme

5:08

importance of that abusive polygamy. Yeah,

5:10

just if your message of eternal

5:12

love means you have to preach

5:14

it from a fortified compound, maybe

5:17

you're a little wake-o-wack-o. Wake-wack-o.

5:19

You don't need fortified compounds. You

5:21

just don't need those if you're

5:23

a cult. So during his

5:25

time as the leader guy, Rulon amassed

5:28

50 wives, many of whom

5:31

were children. Warren eventually

5:33

took over in 2002 and did

5:35

lots of those same things. He's

5:37

currently serving a life sentence in

5:39

prison for a bunch of that,

5:42

but he's also terrible because he

5:44

murdered seven astronauts and almost murdered

5:46

Big Bird from Sesame Street. That's

5:49

right. The challenger was

5:51

his fault. During the early 80s,

5:53

Warren noticed the economic opportunity that's

5:55

afforded by having a giant unpaid

5:57

workforce of cult members, and he

5:59

started several companies. That

6:01

includes a manufacturing company called

6:04

Hydropack, which got the

6:06

government contract to supply NASA with

6:08

O-rings. They were really

6:10

bad O-rings as it turned out and

6:13

the Challenger exploded. More

6:15

importantly, don't worry if you really

6:17

enjoy the water bottles and performance

6:20

hydration reservoirs, whatever the fuck that

6:22

means, from Hydropack, that's actually a

6:24

different company than New Hydropack. The

6:27

bad one changed its name to

6:29

Western Precision. And then

6:31

some other company was like, well finally we can have

6:33

the name of the guys that blew up the challenge.

6:35

Why? That was a weird

6:38

move. Yeah. Okay, but now that

6:40

we're on the subject of companies to consider

6:42

avoiding, yeah, the FLDS super

6:44

bad, but so is the

6:46

regular LDS and they own a bunch of

6:49

stuff too. Major companies

6:51

with ties to the Mormon Church

6:53

include Marriott Hotels, Black & Decker,

6:55

and Eli's favorite airline, JetBlue.

6:57

They have free snacks and TV. Don't

6:59

ruin this for me. He said right.

7:02

Don't you ruin this for me. Was

7:04

Black & Decker originally called Laminate &

7:06

Decker? Was that... All

7:12

right, next up we have the

7:14

cults of breakfast cereal. There's more

7:16

than one. So long time listeners

7:18

might remember the story of John

7:20

Harvey Kellogg from way back in

7:22

episode 11. So

7:25

in case anybody missed it, John

7:27

Harvey Kellogg started a cult based

7:29

on Seventh Day Adventism as well

7:31

as the Battle Creek Sanitarium. He

7:33

also started that where he

7:35

claimed to cure all ailments

7:38

using a combination of eugenics,

7:41

celibacy, and cornflakes

7:44

from his brother's cereal company.

7:46

If you followed his advice of chewing

7:48

every bite exactly 40 times

7:53

and being white, I guess, you'd be

7:55

helping forever. Which

7:57

is why John is still alive. Oh,

8:00

hi, John. Welcome to the show. Ladies

8:02

and gentlemen, John Harvey Kellogg!

8:05

Ah, that's so cool. What's

8:07

the voice for him? Doesn't matter. So, here's

8:09

the new serial cult that I just learned

8:11

about. Apparently, the Purina

8:13

Company has a very similar origin

8:16

story to Kellogg's. It starts

8:18

in the late 1800s with a

8:20

self-proclaimed fitness guru named Webster

8:23

Edgerly, who started a pseudoscience

8:25

propaganda mill called the Rosson Health

8:27

Club. And just like Kellogg,

8:29

the business model for Edgerly was white

8:32

power and crunchy cereal. Like, seriously,

8:34

both of them. One of

8:37

his followers was the owner of Purina,

8:39

an Edgerly wangled a deal that made

8:41

him a partner in the company, and

8:43

the company renamed itself to Rosson Purina.

8:46

And he had the company start making whole grain

8:48

cereal to cleanse... whatever.

8:51

Using the profits, Edgerly established a

8:53

cult community for his followers in

8:56

Eli Bosnick's Hopewell, New Jersey, that

8:59

he called a white-only utopia.

9:02

The core principle was creating a new race

9:04

of humans that was free from,

9:07

quote, impurities. Yeah, and y'all, I

9:09

checked around my neighborhood. Good news,

9:11

he did not succeed! So

9:16

a couple of other details about Edgerly.

9:18

He was also a prolific author who

9:20

wrote books on a variety of very important topics,

9:23

including sex magnetism

9:27

and how to become immortal and

9:30

acting. How to become... died

9:32

in 1926, how to become immortal. But,

9:35

you know, those

9:37

who can't teach, I guess. So

9:41

in terms of the acting, Eli, I'm curious

9:43

to hear your thoughts about this acting stuff.

9:45

In Edgerly's book called Lessons in the Art

9:48

of Acting, he made a big list of

9:50

possible emotions, and he explained how to

9:52

portray each one as an actor. For

9:55

example, to do frenzy,

9:57

you just need to, quote, incline.

10:00

In my head backward looking up.

10:02

And. Klutz the hair with both hands. What

10:04

I'm glad you asked is because actually

10:06

gesture based acting was the standard. Under

10:08

seven or nobody here is obviously I

10:10

was kidding. Just did during your essay

10:12

or whenever. Maybe. I will do

10:14

holes in Mississippi. Okay, but seriously, what

10:17

what it says? Los que se would

10:19

love more fantasies The first person who

10:21

advises actors to work from the inside

10:23

out right whereas opposed from the outside

10:25

in because you were just. Imitating

10:27

the oh I thought use an interrupt me

10:29

I was socialist I was really words and

10:31

i no i'm sorry under the desk or.

10:35

Other for any. Other

10:38

nodes don't. The three children

10:40

know what makes it nice

10:43

learning learning styles. You

10:46

see as me and I target as

10:48

numbers for me to read. You learn

10:50

the success of I'm Living on. Also.

10:53

First noting about actually. He.

10:56

Invented a language.

10:58

Sort. Of. He called

11:00

it. Adam. Man

11:03

tongue. He. Chose the

11:05

name because men the phone is

11:07

quote. The. Language of Man founded

11:09

upon the primitive Adam roots and terms

11:11

that are the watch words of universal

11:13

speed. This doesn't mean anything unless I

11:15

mean at the other said that was

11:17

no sense in English and then he

11:20

tried to do another language. you're an

11:22

idea is your son But. You

11:25

actually speak that in karma? Maybe out and pick

11:27

them up there would have been much better. Yeah,

11:29

it's European provide. I. Actually posted a sample. You

11:31

guys can see it here. It's. A sample

11:33

from his at a man language book

11:35

see. had no idea what it looks

11:38

like. it's very silly. yep like as

11:40

was there you can't see this but

11:42

he's is posted a conversation about the

11:44

weather. and to add to his credit

11:46

politicians about the weather do become more

11:48

interesting when they're. Incredibly difficult

11:50

to. Utter

11:53

fear. There are words in this

11:55

that are spelled Dhabi, You sue

11:57

em. and sue em

12:00

and W Delta

12:02

1H Stata. Also,

12:05

if any listener looks this up, I want you

12:07

to know that this is literally how every script

12:09

looks after Eli writes in it. I'm

12:15

amazed no one could tell this wasn't just jokes I had

12:17

written. I don't

12:19

know, this is functionally indistinguishable from a text from

12:21

my teen son, so I don't... Yeah,

12:26

so that guy who invented that

12:28

language was in charge of

12:30

the Ralston Purina Company, which

12:32

made pet food and cereal for

12:34

decades. Their cereal

12:36

portfolio included checks, and most

12:39

importantly, Cookie Crisp. Cookie

12:42

Crisp is pretty fucking important, right? Here's

12:44

the thing, don't worry, you can still eat those. In

12:47

1997, the cereal division got purchased

12:49

by General Mills, and I'm sure there's

12:51

nothing evil happening with that giant food

12:53

company. It'll be fine. And

12:56

in terms of the pet food, that part of

12:58

the Purina is now owned by Nestle. And

13:01

Nestle's biggest shareholder is BlackRock, the

13:03

giant multinational international firm. Again,

13:06

nothing to worry about. And

13:08

one fact, according to Nestle's official

13:10

corporate history, they like disavowed their

13:12

own history. According to them, Webster-Edgley

13:15

does not exist. That's a

13:17

hoax. Instead, they

13:19

attribute the name Ralston to a

13:22

fictional character they made up called

13:24

Dr. Ralston. Nestle,

13:29

I know that it's like the 20th most

13:31

evil thing you do, but I don't think

13:33

you just get to pretend you're former owner

13:35

is a defunct mascot like the noise. And

13:37

that brings us to our first tea-based cult.

13:46

But I'll start with a quick note on tea

13:48

in general. If you want to

13:50

drink tea without funding liars, you

13:53

pretty much have to cultivate and harvest your own leaves.

13:55

Yeah, most of the big companies

13:57

are at the very least claiming that... Tea

14:00

leaves have some sort of magic. They do not.

14:03

They don't have magic. Despite centuries of

14:05

claims, we're not aware of any

14:07

combination of leaves and

14:09

hot water that cure cancer

14:11

or boost the immune

14:14

system, whatever the fuck that

14:16

means, or detoxify your endoplasmic reticulum,

14:18

whatever they're saying. It doesn't do that.

14:21

If you like the taste of tea and

14:23

maybe caffeine sometimes, that's what he

14:25

can provide. Sadly, it

14:28

also provides money for cults. One

14:30

big example is a product

14:32

called Yogi Tea. You don't

14:34

say. Yeah, it's better than

14:37

the average. Company

14:43

that was started by a cult leader

14:45

named Yogi Bajan. He moved

14:48

from India to the US in 1969

14:50

and claimed to be a guru of

14:52

Sikh spirituality, Ayurveda

14:55

and Tantric yoga. He

14:58

was none of those things. He was

15:00

a customs inspector. That's his entire job.

15:03

Although even if he was all those things, those

15:05

are nothing. You can stretch and eat healthy without

15:07

any of that. So

15:09

he gets to California and he

15:11

notices that facts don't

15:13

matter to the boomers of 1969. So

15:16

he starts a cult and he makes millions. Somehow

15:18

he ended up lying his way into

15:20

meeting with Pope John Paul II and

15:23

the Dalai Lama and also

15:25

became a yoga mentor to

15:28

Indira Gandhi when she was prime minister

15:30

of India. When the doors closed on

15:32

that meeting between the Pope and the

15:34

Dalai Lama and this guy, who do

15:36

you think was the first to say,

15:38

so how sweet is lying to desperately

15:40

poor people to live like a god, am

15:43

I right? I bet the Pope led,

15:46

but I bet they all. And

15:48

of course the cult started culting at that

15:51

point. In addition to all the,

15:53

you know, boilerplate stuff like horrible

15:55

sexual abuse, financial fraud and torture

15:58

before this guy died in 2014. He

16:00

also started two companies that still exist

16:03

today and make a bunch of money

16:05

for the surviving cult. One

16:07

of the companies is Yogi Tea, which made about $60

16:10

million last year, and

16:12

their flagship blend of tea is made

16:14

of cinnamon, ginger, cardamom, black

16:16

pepper, and cloves. And

16:19

according to Yogi Bajan,

16:21

it increases circulation, decreases

16:23

joint stiffness, and enhances

16:25

digestion all whilst

16:28

decreasing gas and nausea.

16:32

Don't buy their tea, because it's a cult. The

16:35

other company is called Akal Security,

16:37

which now earns about $500 million a year in

16:42

government contracts to protect

16:44

American military bases and airports.

16:48

Don't buy their insane

16:50

paramilitary consulting, I guess, if you're in

16:53

charge of that. Cinnamon,

16:55

ginger, cardamom, black pepper, and cloves are the

16:57

first draft of the Spice Girl names, too.

16:59

A little bit less problematic. The

17:05

list of culty companies, it could keep going

17:07

for a while, but I'll just give a

17:09

quick warning about a few more before we

17:11

get to the celestial seasonings insanity. If

17:15

you're a big designer vintage jacket person

17:17

who enjoys bedazzled denim, as I'm sure

17:19

many of you are, think

17:22

about avoiding Tony Alamo's

17:24

jackets, like the one Michael

17:26

Jackson wore on the cover of Bad. Also

17:29

seen more recently being worn by Nicki

17:31

Minaj, A$AP Rocky, and Miley Cyrus. Other

17:35

ones, let's see, if you're looking for news,

17:38

don't read The Washington Times. That is

17:40

not the same as The Washington Post.

17:42

The Washington Times is owned by the

17:44

Unification Church. That's the cult started by

17:47

the Reverend Sun Myung Moon. Also,

17:50

don't eat at the Yellow Deli Chain cult.

17:53

Don't eat at Chick-fil-A, Christianity

17:55

cult. Don't eat at most of

17:57

the major fast food chains, sadly, because... Republican

18:00

donors pretty much don't spend

18:02

money at any corporations of business

18:04

larger than maybe a couple dozen No,

18:06

I think it's nothing. I know ethical

18:08

consumption under capitalism quick commercial break commercial

18:10

break. No Right. No

18:12

for a counterpoint now I guess we're gonna

18:15

advertise for a company with more than a

18:17

couple dozen employees probably And

18:20

then we're gonna kick it over for a little apropos of them I

18:39

Don't know about you Tom, but

18:41

this episode is sort of making

18:43

me cognitively dissonant me to

18:45

rely You know, there's so many complicated

18:47

questions of morality. It's hard to keep

18:49

up with them Sounds like

18:52

somebody needs to try it's

18:54

complicated What it's

18:57

complicated doesn't count it's not

18:59

a puzzle shot. No. No, we said you can't

19:01

start your own Podcasts for points.

19:03

This is different. What is a

19:05

different situation? They doing what's don't

19:07

worry about it It's complicated once

19:09

daily capsules will reduce all the

19:12

hard moral questions about ethical consumption

19:14

down to a general feeling of

19:16

unease The patients are calling variable.

19:18

Okay, I guess and only a problem if

19:21

I think about it for too long Sounds

19:23

great. But how does it work? I'm

19:26

glad you asked Tom say you're dealing

19:29

with a moral quandary. You'd rather not

19:31

think about well Have you considered all

19:33

possible factors that contribute to the question

19:35

and all available information known and unknown

19:37

Wow. No, I guess not That's

19:40

right because it's complicated and that

19:43

means you're off the hook. Yeah

19:46

You know, I guess it does. I Don't

19:49

know guys can't people just try their best to

19:51

consume ethically and not make the standard some kind

19:53

of arbitrary outside view

19:55

of Your

19:58

have an iPhone you think you're better

20:00

than me. Never mind. Used for

20:02

hundreds of generations, It's Complicated gets

20:04

the grit out of any complicated

20:06

moral question from politics to the

20:08

fact that your grandpa probably hit

20:10

your grandma. It's Complicated does the

20:12

trick. I don't feel better, but

20:14

the helplessness leaves me numb enough to move

20:17

on. It's Complicated

20:19

because trying is... Hey,

20:21

hey, it's Donna from Daily Dose of

20:23

Donna. Every weekday afternoon on the Daily

20:25

Dose of Donna podcast, I cover all

20:27

of the reality TV and celeb gossip

20:29

and breaking news. I'm a former TV

20:31

casting director. My husband works in reality

20:34

TV and I live for the housewives,

20:36

the sister wives, the southern charmers, and

20:38

the summer houseers. And let's be honest,

20:40

all of the drama. I'll give you

20:42

a day's worth of celebrity and reality

20:44

news weekday afternoons in just under an

20:46

hour. New episodes of Daily Dose of

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Donna post weekday afternoons and are now

20:50

available in video on Spotify. Subscribe to

20:52

Daily Dose of Donna. That's D A

20:55

N A on your podcast app. Just

20:59

admitting that you could fail. And

21:15

we're back when we last left off. We were

21:17

feeling better about ourselves than we are after that

21:20

fucking sketch. Tell

21:23

us more about people who are worse

21:25

than us. Yeah, grandma. That brings us...

21:27

Grandpa probably. He's feeling great. No, okay.

21:29

But that does bring us to Celestial

21:32

Seasonings. They're the largest

21:35

tea company in North America. It's

21:37

only about 1.6 billion

21:39

cups of tea every year, which

21:41

earns them about $100 million.

21:44

Okay. So admittedly, that's a lot. But counting by

21:47

the cups, right? Would that be like

21:49

us multiplying our listeners by how many words they

21:51

hear? That's really good. Exactly. That's

21:53

a fine number. That's

21:55

the number I tell people. The

22:00

company was started in

22:02

1969 by a hippie guy in Colorado named

22:04

Moe Siegel who wanted to bring

22:07

herbal tea into the American mainstream.

22:10

So he hiked into the Rocky Mountains with

22:12

a team of friends and harvested enough herbs

22:14

to make 500 pounds

22:16

of tea. Then he put

22:18

a sample into a Tupperware container and went down

22:20

to a local bank to get a business loan.

22:23

And apparently that just like works right

22:25

away if you're a white guy

22:28

in 1969 and he got it. He

22:30

opened a production facility and named

22:32

the company Celestial Seasonings based on

22:34

the flower name of his lady

22:36

friend. Fuck the time. Yeah he

22:38

did. The company name was also

22:40

very likely inspired by a new

22:43

age religion manifesto called the

22:45

Eurantia Book which has a

22:47

cult known as the Eurantia Foundation. Moe

22:50

Siegel is a very prominent leader in that group now

22:52

and he based his entire business philosophy

22:55

for the tea company on this

22:57

ridiculous book. According to

22:59

the Eurantia Foundation, their book is quote,

23:02

an epical revelation authored

23:04

solely by celestial beings.

23:08

End quote. And the

23:10

main goal of the celestial beings

23:12

in that? Apparently eugenics.

23:14

Oh, any further. Okay. Anyone else

23:17

picturing like three angels in a

23:19

gym throwing a basketball into a

23:21

little mini hoop in a rented

23:24

office space while they write this

23:26

thing? Some guys like,

23:28

this is our totally cool lax workspace, man.

23:30

Let me show you the reeducation break room.

23:33

It's right down here. It

23:35

doesn't sound chill. Yeah. So let's

23:37

learn about the Eurantia

23:39

Book and its religion of

23:41

celestial white power.

23:43

And of course it all starts in Chicago,

23:46

Illinois. The book was written by

23:48

of course. What the fuck are you talking

23:50

about? We all know. We all know what

23:52

you wrote this book, Cecil. That's what we

23:54

know. You wrote the Eurantia Book. Are you

23:57

the Eurantia Book? You have to tell us.

24:02

This is the deep dish of

24:04

religious manifesto calls. A little satisfying.

24:08

The book was written either by

24:11

racist alien demigods in a realm

24:13

outside of space time or

24:15

by a guy in

24:17

Chicago who definitely wrote the book in the 1920s. Hard

24:20

to say. Probably. It's

24:23

2,097 pages long. Jesus

24:25

Christ. It was officially published for the first time

24:27

in 1955. That's

24:30

more than if we added the David Ike

24:32

book that you guys read to the ones that

24:34

we read. No. Jesus.

24:37

Let's do that. Let's do that. I

24:39

want to do that one. It's

24:42

so much. So the Chicago guy I'm talking

24:44

about is William Sadler, a psychiatrist

24:47

and a student of Sigmund

24:49

Freud. Not great. But

24:51

Sadler, the content of the Eurantia

24:53

book, came from a neighbor in

24:55

his building who was in a

24:57

state of intergalactic hypnosis. In

25:01

1911, that neighbor guy started speaking in

25:03

tongues and he said, I'm a

25:06

student visitor from a distant planet.

25:09

In a different language, I guess. Sadler

25:11

says he eventually figured out that other

25:13

language. Wow. It's called U-versa,

25:15

by the way. And he

25:17

had to translate U-versa into

25:20

Salvington. What? And

25:22

then from that into Satanya

25:24

and finally to English. But he did figure it

25:27

out. So Sadler did the

25:29

translations and he spoke with this

25:31

voice and several other voices for about

25:33

10 years. And

25:35

then in the early 1920s, Sadler and his wife

25:37

and some of their friends put together a list

25:39

of 4,000 questions

25:43

for the alien demigods

25:45

to answer. And a few weeks later,

25:47

lo and behold, that neighbor had dictated

25:49

answers to everything. Wow. Guys,

25:52

please stop asking the alien demigod how

25:54

many fingers I'm holding up. You're

25:56

Gonna get us all vaporized. Rick,

26:01

We're about this backstory. The

26:03

neighbor was being channeled by

26:06

alien demi gods who work

26:08

communicating all. They're extremely important

26:10

revelations. People. Of Earth the very

26:13

first time. Forty. To the top

26:15

these were instructions about a seat

26:17

of the universe. But. I'm.

26:20

I see through high end because

26:22

just swept really difficult to pinpoint.

26:26

What ah, hours in Harvard to

26:28

set off a. This

26:31

of work at Harvard Athena. Smear.

26:35

I wish this is all. Good just translators book from

26:37

a magic rock and I have like a

26:39

normal. Business

26:42

Hours Someone who really heard the

26:45

story of problematic. Than. That

26:47

guy. Yeah, And just a quick side note,

26:50

If. You claim that? Direct.

26:52

France revelations are are a

26:54

saying. That can

26:56

easily backfire. and that's exactly

26:58

what happened with your answer

27:00

calls. In. The nineteen nineties bunch

27:03

of cult members were like hold on

27:05

I'm I Now I'm getting a revelation

27:07

from the alien gods. It says I'm

27:10

the new leader guy and everyone gives

27:12

me a blow jobs and candy right

27:14

now cause I got a little. And.

27:17

The Cult had to spend like the

27:19

next decade having revelation duel switch from

27:22

Christmas as a big A New Rules

27:24

about know make a new rules on

27:26

new rules under Oath and trying to

27:29

discredit the. Say. Revelations

27:32

from Alien demi gods compared to

27:34

their real ones. So.

27:37

Another important piece, a context year. William.

27:40

Sadler as why Selena. Word.

27:42

Deep into the study of eugenics.

27:45

William. Actually got his first job

27:47

as a psychiatrist working at John

27:49

Harvey Kellogg Battle Creek Sanitarium for

27:52

cornflakes and Eugenics. And someone

27:54

of Williams favorite books was the

27:56

passing of the Great Race. It's

27:59

claims that. Northern European Nordic people are

28:01

the ideal race. Yeah, I can argue

28:03

that cleansing the gene pool of other

28:05

races would six human society. And

28:08

Lena his wife also a doctor. Wrote.

28:10

That Eugenics would quote. Eliminate.

28:13

At least ninety percent of

28:15

time. Insanity. Siebel. Mindedness,

28:17

more aneurysm and abnormal sexuality

28:19

not mention many other forms

28:22

of deceptive nis and degeneracy.

28:24

Thus, within a century, or

28:26

Salem's prisons and state hospitals

28:29

would be largely emptied and

28:31

exact. quote. Okay, Yeah, but

28:33

then who would keep our Illinois Governor

28:35

company. Assists

28:38

you're not listening to. Ninety percent of

28:40

criminals and feeble minded people would be

28:42

gone, there wouldn't be an ill and.

28:45

Long. Shots fired.

28:48

And. Up on fact. Lena.

28:50

Sadler was the daughter of

28:53

John Harvey Kellogg's Pass Rather.

28:56

Other. Fun fact. Lena's. Sister

28:58

Anna was married that neighbor guy

29:00

who dictated the who hit your

29:02

book during the. Alien damage

29:05

had trance. And. That neighbor is

29:07

believed to be. Wilfred.

29:09

Cluster. Catalogue.

29:12

The. Sole nephew of John Harvey

29:14

Kellogg. So. Ah yeah,

29:16

according to my mask. Ah, Fucking

29:19

gross and I have a fine not

29:21

according to your math, he's but someone.

29:26

Has their idea of eugenics just of flogging

29:28

a power strip into one of it's own

29:31

open album? As I don't understand. That's.

29:36

The Gulf flag read their soap. In

29:39

the interests of being. Fair. And balanced.

29:41

I decided to sign a primmer on

29:43

the ransom book from a source who's

29:45

not free biased with. You know,

29:48

ivory towers? Are

29:50

so I looked on. Medium.

29:53

Where the hell gate? Colonel S

29:55

or Ego Choir education? Dunno they

29:57

do not. and i read an

29:59

article from help member Chad

30:01

Gates entitled, The

30:04

Best Book Ever Written Has

30:07

No Human Author, The

30:09

Urantia Book. And he starts with

30:11

a quote. It says, your spirit

30:13

rests ever so gently on the upper

30:16

reaches of your mind, but it takes

30:18

practice to perceive it. My

30:21

mom. But it's just

30:23

a funny. Hey,

30:25

look, if it wasn't a needle point, that wasn't

30:27

wisdom, okay? So

30:31

from there, we had a quick summary of The

30:33

Urantia Book. The Urantia

30:35

Book is a post-biblical revelation

30:38

to this world. No one really

30:40

knows where it came from. We

30:42

do though. He just told us

30:44

in the essay. Continuing. We learn

30:46

the universe is a giant, unfinished

30:48

project being built on the individual

30:50

decisions of ascending mortals like us.

30:53

God indwells our young minds

30:55

and participates with us in our

30:57

struggles in order to overcome the

30:59

only problem with perfection. I.e.

31:02

a perfect being cannot

31:05

experience imperfection. Keith,

31:08

I did not spend three years reading David

31:10

Eich's word salad only to watch it creep

31:12

over here to this show, okay? In

31:15

fairness, in Christianity, a perfect being created imperfect

31:17

beings so he could kill them all and

31:19

then apologize with a prism. So

31:22

maybe a religious blisters should

31:24

hold back their chocolates. True. Post-biblical,

31:28

they learn from it. Yeah.

31:30

So at this point, somebody yelled from

31:33

the back while this guy was writing his article,

31:35

what about Lucifer and the atheist seepin' up a

31:37

whole bunch of years ago? By

31:40

which I mean nobody, nothing. There's

31:42

no back. What back would that,

31:44

that's nonsense. But regardless, the summary

31:46

continues. Great question, nobody from the

31:48

fuckin' back. Lucifer led

31:50

an atheist rebellion about 200,000 years ago.

31:54

Earth, or your rancha, was one

31:56

of many worlds that participated and

31:59

was quarantined. This tragedy resulted

32:01

in our opportunity for the

32:03

exercise of faith, which is

32:05

the key to our long afterlife ascension

32:07

career, an essential destiny

32:10

with God in the geographical

32:12

center of infinity. And

32:16

Keith, you had me at

32:18

geographic center of infinity. Right?

32:21

Yes, yes. I found

32:23

it, Tom. I'm there. Tag. Yeah.

32:27

It's the picture of Kurt Vonnegut

32:29

doing the asshole. Yeah, for sure.

32:33

So here's what it says in

32:35

the Erancha book about the origin

32:37

story of Earth. Turns

32:39

out the Bible had lots of the

32:41

names right, but they missed the outer

32:43

space part. Jesus is the

32:46

Son of God, but he's actually

32:48

just one of the billions of different

32:50

space Jesus is that God sends

32:52

to each planet to fix it.

32:55

Right. And that's actually the

32:57

probe droids from Empire Strikes

32:59

Back, which were also killed

33:01

by frightened locals, but it

33:03

was really a self-destruction. Oh,

33:05

that's true. Wow.

33:08

Reinterpretation. So we

33:10

also learned that Earth, or Erancha, is

33:12

planet number 606 in

33:15

a planetary group called Saturnia.

33:17

You'll remember, that's also the name of

33:20

one of the many alien God languages

33:22

that William Sadler figured out. And

33:25

the HQ for Saturnia is

33:27

called Jerusalem.

33:30

Not close, just different. Very close.

33:33

Different thing. When Earthlings die, the

33:35

team at Jerusalem HQ reincarnate

33:39

people on a new planet

33:41

to continue their quest. And eventually, if

33:43

you're good, you keep getting bumped up

33:46

planets or whatever, then you land

33:49

on planet paradise where God lives.

33:51

It's like Frogger. There's a tiny

33:53

little God implant inside each of

33:55

our brains. It's called a thought adjuster,

33:58

and it helps us find the right place. Now

34:01

here's the thing, the adjuster can't directly help

34:03

you, but they can give you a little

34:05

hints along the way. And I

34:08

cannot stress this enough, I'm not exaggerating about this.

34:11

The human origin section of the book of

34:13

your ranch starts by literally

34:16

ranking the races. There

34:18

are six of the races, red, orange,

34:21

yellow, green, blue, and indigo.

34:24

The indigo race

34:26

is black

34:28

people, they're the indigo race, and the

34:31

book says that's the lowest rank. The

34:33

highest rank is people with shockingly

34:36

fair skin and blue eyes, and that's

34:39

the red race, apparently, with

34:41

the blue eyes. And the blue

34:43

are people who are holding their breath until they

34:45

get to be number one. So

34:49

apparently the six colors of humans just

34:52

showed up on Earth about 500,000 years ago. According

34:56

to the book, quote, the earlier races

34:58

are somewhat superior to the later. The

35:01

red man is just sick for everything

35:03

I'm about to say, this is just, it's really a

35:05

quote I can't avoid saying it all. The red

35:07

man stands far above the indigo

35:09

black race. Each succeeding

35:12

evolutionary manifestation of a distinct

35:14

group of mortals represents variation

35:16

at the expense of the

35:18

original endowment. The

35:20

yellow race usually enslaves

35:22

the green, while the blue

35:24

man subdues the indigo. And

35:27

the extended lyrics to Particle Man are fucking

35:29

dark guys. They

35:35

never play that second verse, you know what I mean? They

35:37

never play the second verse. Yeah,

35:40

probably. It's the one. It's the one.

35:43

It's the one. It's the one. It's the

35:45

one. It's the one that they play, sort

35:47

of, with Adam and Eve. Turns

35:49

out Adam and Eve are fair-skinned,

35:52

blue-eyed aliens who've got set work on

35:54

every planet in the universe to quote

35:56

up step the natives

35:59

to those planets. Sure

36:01

does, and it is. By upstep, they

36:03

mean, like, for real, the Aryan

36:05

aliens are supposed to breed with

36:08

the other colors that I ranked

36:10

earlier until the planet's gene pool

36:12

is cured. But

36:14

unlike the perfectly successful

36:17

intergalactic eugenics program on all these

36:19

other planets, Adam and Eve fucked

36:22

up the plan when they got to Earth. The

36:26

book says, quote, having failed

36:29

to achieve race harmonization by

36:31

the Adamic technique, you

36:33

must now work out your

36:35

planetary problem of race improvement

36:37

by other and largely human

36:40

methods of adaptation and control.

36:42

End quote. Okay, so the

36:45

wisdom of the aliens was, have

36:48

you tried just fucking your problems away?

36:51

And then when that doesn't work, they shrug? Yeah,

36:55

that's a story. Also,

36:57

I'm sorry, like, largely

37:00

human methods? Is

37:02

there one, like, is there, is that our

37:04

problem? We need to bring a super wise

37:06

otter into this at some point? Listen, a

37:09

really dumb otter would be much better than

37:11

everything in this book. So yeah, for sure.

37:14

So a major goal for the

37:16

cult is to switch out Christianity

37:18

with space Christianity, the

37:20

correct version with the white

37:22

people. Your Rancho Foundation vehemently

37:25

claims they're absolutely not a cult.

37:28

But anyone who's read the book

37:30

knows full well that the divine space

37:32

revelator named the brilliant evening star of

37:35

Nebadon tells everyone to get rid of

37:37

Christianity and replace it with exact quote,

37:39

a new cult. It's going to be

37:41

the true religion of the future in

37:43

the book. Okay, well, if you read

37:45

it, I mean, no way, we weren't

37:47

expecting anyone to read it. Looks

37:50

like many cults. They hope you don't really

37:52

read all this stuff in their face. Yeah,

37:54

it's holocism. Christianity. So

37:56

this book, your Rancho book, it's full

37:58

of science. claims that

38:01

the cult members love to mention as

38:03

evidence of their futurism, the book got

38:05

it right. But there's two major problems

38:07

with that. One, the scientific claims

38:10

have all the exact

38:12

mistakes of a person who

38:14

learned science before Right.

38:17

Wow. And two, the

38:19

revelator alien voice who dictated

38:21

the book made it very clear

38:23

that he'd love to tell us all

38:26

about, you know, future inventions that aren't

38:28

here yet. But his boss just won't

38:30

let him because that would cheapen the

38:33

spiritual journey of finding space

38:36

Christ. It actually says

38:39

in the book, like we cannot tell

38:41

you yet. That's what it is.

38:43

Yeah. You'd think one divine

38:45

revelation would try some moon boots. Am I

38:47

right? It's like you're all guys making

38:49

shit up, you know, a weird dynamic. Yeah.

38:53

Yeah. So fun book. Good stuff.

38:56

If we do have any seekers in the audience,

38:58

now that you've heard all this, you

39:00

can download this amazing celestial

39:03

book in its entirety for free.

39:05

Ooh. And the reason for that

39:07

is to think my favorite part.

39:09

The Arantia Foundation tried to sell the

39:11

book for years, but eventually a

39:14

court ruling made the book

39:16

public domain because the foundation

39:18

itself was claiming the authorship

39:20

was alien demigods. And

39:23

the alien demigods never filed for copyright. You

39:25

really got to file for everything. And we

39:27

called it to be like, yeah,

39:29

that's fucks, crap. Yep.

39:32

Fine. So yeah, if you're interested,

39:35

grab a nice hot snapple

39:37

and cure your diseases. And

39:42

if you had to summarize what you've learned in one

39:45

sentence, what would it be? Religion is bad. It's

39:47

bad. Wow. They're bad.

39:49

They're all bad ones. All right.

39:52

So are you ready for the quiz? Ready. All

39:54

right, Heath. You mentioned a bunch of

39:57

white supremacist cults, but you haven't talked about

39:59

any of the non- white supremacist

40:01

ones. Why is that? A.

40:04

whiteness is a nonsensical construct

40:06

with no scientific or physiological

40:08

basis. C. Therefore

40:11

whiteness can only exist in

40:13

contrast to the, by definition,

40:15

ever-changing perception of non-whiteness. C.

40:19

This means whiteness can only ever define

40:21

itself through supremacy or inferiority.

40:23

Or D. And nobody's

40:26

gonna fucking choose inferiority for their race. D. I

40:30

choose inferiority for white people on behalf of white people. I

40:32

think most of them would be fine with that, right? D.

40:35

Yeah, secret answer E. It's white people are inferior.

40:37

C. Yeah, I can't imagine them freaking out about

40:39

critical race theory. That's hard to imagine. D. Yeah.

40:41

Although I'm allowed to make fun of white people.

40:43

That's why I picked you up. D. I don't

40:45

know. You have to prove to me you're white.

40:48

D. White people can't make jokes about anything else.

40:50

I want my Netflix special now. D. Clap on

40:52

the two in the four. Prove it to me. D.

40:55

All right, Keith. I know you've grown tired of

40:57

being pigeonholed into the same tired jokes about your

41:00

love of incest porn and eugenics. D.

41:02

So obviously you... D.

41:05

Hey. D. ...wrote an essay

41:07

about a cult formed by ranking the races. D.

41:09

Don't do this. D. Don't do this. D. ...and

41:12

which definitely had incest going on it. D. It's

41:14

not. D. See, did I say that? D. The

41:16

lady don't protest too much, me thinks. D.

41:19

See, his next essay may be on

41:21

the history of very tall men. D.

41:23

Ohhhh. D.

41:27

I don't... D.

41:29

Pass? D. Pass?

41:32

D. The only safe answer, yes, indeed. D.

41:35

All right, Keith. What's the best name

41:37

for your beverage-based white cult? A.

41:40

Jesus Christ. D. Plowed boys.

41:43

B. That's right. D.

41:46

Frostkeepers. C. D.

41:50

Pariarians. D. Or D. D.

41:53

Pariarians. D. The

41:55

Tea Party. D. That was good.

42:00

I'm gonna go with... C.

42:02

Periarian. Fuck yeah. Obviously. Uh...

42:05

sure? Correct, I guess? Yes, correct, correct. Why

42:07

not? Nice. Or not. I think we all

42:10

knew it was obvious that as soon as

42:12

we heard Cloudboy, Cecil is the winner of

42:14

this one. Oh, Cloudboy, yes, that's right.

42:16

Yeah, sure, yeah. Okay, alright. Well, uh, give

42:19

me Tom. So, Tom. See you. Tag. Alright,

42:21

well, for Heath, Cecil, Tom, and Eli, I'm

42:23

Noah, thank you for hanging out with us today.

42:25

We'll be back next week. Goodbye then, Tom will

42:27

be an expert on something else. Between now and

42:29

then, you'll find us on at least one of

42:31

all but seven podcasts in the universe. And if

42:34

you'd like to help keep this show going, you

42:36

can like a per episode donation at patreon.com/citationpod or

42:38

leave a five-star review everywhere you can. And if

42:40

you'd like to get in touch with us, check

42:42

out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or

42:44

check the show notes. Be sure to check out citationpod.com.

42:51

And then this weekend, we're headed over to

42:53

Salton for like a climate change summit march

42:55

thing. Oh, you're gonna

42:57

drive? A climate change summit?

43:00

Yeah, like an hour away. I

43:03

don't... Okay, I mean, it's just like...

43:05

Oh, hold on, sorry, time

43:07

for my pill. Anyway,

43:10

that's the weekend. Cool, sounds

43:12

fun. It will be fun. Nice.