0:00

Hello and welcome

0:02

to Citation Needed,

0:05

the podcast where

0:09

we choose a

0:12

subject, read a

0:24

single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts

0:26

because this is the internet and that's how it works

0:28

now. I'm your host Noah Luzins

0:30

and I'm going to be the sovereign this

0:33

week, but to do that I'll need a

0:35

royal court. So also joining me today are

0:37

the Chancellor, the Jester, and the groom of

0:39

the stool, Cecil Tom and Eli. You know,

0:41

the Chancellor of a comedy show needs to

0:43

be both sarcastic and stochastic. Ooh! Yeah.

0:46

And the Jester means that I am now officially the funny one. Fuck

0:49

you Eli. Aw man! That

0:52

means I wore this poop toupee for no reason.

0:54

Like why is the ahh? Alright,

0:58

so before we get going I want to

1:00

remind listeners how expensive it is to repeatedly

1:02

reattach a penis that has been ripped off

1:04

during masturbation. I'm not

1:06

going to say who needed that surgery again because

1:08

I don't want to embarrass Heath. But

1:12

if you'd like to help cover his costs be sure to stick around

1:14

to the end of the show, learn how to be a patron, and

1:16

with that out of the way tell us Cecil, what

1:19

person plays think concept phenomenon or event we'll be

1:21

talking about today? Are you talking

1:23

about Queen Isabella of France? And

1:26

Tom, you read the article or if you were

1:28

keeping with the theme you had the scroll

1:30

read out to you by the Royal Crier,

1:32

are you ready to regale us? Get ready

1:34

to hear me, hear me Noah. Alright,

1:37

so tell us Tom, I don't

1:39

know if I have some random autobiographical

1:41

nugget that ambushes the point when you

1:44

least expect it. Alright,

1:47

well when I was in school and

1:49

learning about medieval history I was very

1:51

much the anti-Cecil and Noah. You hated

1:54

smoking. It had very short hair about

1:56

it. Look,

2:01

I wanted to be fascinated by the

2:03

tales of knights and battles and political

2:05

intrigue, but I was too easily

2:07

distracted by literally anything else

2:09

to pay attention long enough to commit

2:11

to memory the difference between one

2:13

Edward versus another or recall the outcome

2:16

of some grim battle long ago decided

2:18

on soil we've turned into a kebab

2:20

stand. So I admit here with

2:22

this story that I am a bit out of my

2:24

depth. But when Hailey, my

2:27

lovely wife and co-host of the Talking

2:29

Ship podcast, turned me on to Queen

2:31

Isabella of France, I knew that

2:33

this was a story worth taking an Adderall to learn.

2:36

So sit back, relax, and let me weave

2:38

you a tale of the medieval queen who

2:40

deposed her own husband to rule as the

2:42

regent of England. Tom, if you want to

2:44

plug your new podcast, you can just do

2:46

that. You don't have to pretend

2:49

that Hailey cares about France. Cecil's got a new

2:51

podcast, but you don't see him mentioning it. Well,

2:53

actually, I was hoping we could probably talk. Not

2:55

now, Cecil. All right. Not now.

2:57

Lawful Assembly. You can check it out

2:59

anywhere. Patna. Cecil's a good thing now.

3:01

Is that a lawful pod? All

3:04

right. Our story begins in 1295. Probably.

3:09

Yeah, since it was the 13th century and

3:11

Europe was still very much wrapped in the

3:13

cloak of the Dark Ages, the record keeping

3:15

here, not great. But

3:17

a bunch of historians have settled on 1295

3:19

as likely being the birth year for our

3:21

heroine. So we're going to go

3:23

with it. Isabella was the daughter of King Philip IV

3:25

of France and Queen Joan I of Navarre, the monarchs

3:28

of the most powerful royal family in Europe.

3:32

As was the standard of the time, the purpose of

3:34

having those kids for royal families was to use them

3:36

as a kind of political currency, marrying

3:39

them off as soon as possible to

3:41

cement relationships between nations or to salve

3:43

over political wounds and avoid war. And

3:46

Isabella was very much not the exception.

3:49

She was raised to be wed. And

3:51

so she spent her very early years being educated,

3:54

a standard which was not actually standard

3:56

for women at the time, but which

3:58

was necessary to prepare Isabella. for her

4:00

upcoming nuptials. Sitting in her room

4:02

praying, please don't piss off Italy, please don't piss off

4:05

Italy. What

4:07

we now would call Italy would have

4:09

in the late 13th century been a

4:12

menagerie of smaller states, including Tuscany, Naples,

4:14

the people. Booner! Booner! Well,

4:16

forgive me for smoking and having a long hair.

4:19

Also, no. Now,

4:23

the rule at the time was that you couldn't marry

4:25

off your daughter to a stranger until she had reached

4:27

the ripe old age of 12. So

4:30

the French royal family patiently

4:33

waited until exactly the

4:35

earliest possible moment before

4:38

promising Isabella to be wed to Edward, the son

4:40

of the King of England. Now,

4:42

France and England, you will be shocked to

4:44

note, had beef at the time, and it

4:46

was hoped that the marriage between the two

4:48

families would ease the conflict, though the

4:50

actual marriage would take time while the two nations

4:52

quibbled over the contract. The Pope

4:55

actually played matchmaker, mediating the details of

4:57

the contract between the two families, but

4:59

the tensions between the nations proved harder

5:02

to resolve than anticipated, and

5:04

the King attempted several times to break off

5:06

the engagement when negotiations did not go his

5:08

way. It wasn't until 1308, after

5:11

the death of the old King and the

5:13

coronation of Edward II, when Isabella, nearing the

5:15

old-made age of 13, was finally wed to

5:17

the 24-year-old King Edward II, making

5:24

her the Queen of England and

5:26

about the same age as an eighth-grader. So

5:29

let's just take a moment here and get some context

5:31

on this situation. Edward II

5:34

looked the part of the traditional

5:36

Plantagenet King. He was athletic

5:38

and well-built, but unlike the typical

5:40

English king whose expected pursuits would include

5:43

jousting and hunting and fighting and wars,

5:47

Edward II preferred music,

5:50

poetry, and craft projects. Oh,

5:53

and he strongly, strongly preferred men,

5:55

which, if you think about it,

5:57

is the manliest thing you can do.

6:00

I'm Eli Bosnick, and I'm trying to get

6:02

your kid gay. Join me. I know you

6:04

can't get this show in Florida or some

6:06

shit. Like, look, I

6:09

know your whole essay is going to be

6:11

proving this wrong, but I feel at first

6:13

like a good getting a gay husband is

6:15

like rolling a gnat 20 for a 13-year-old

6:17

medieval alliance. Why is that? You can't agree.

6:20

Yeah. At least for

6:22

a minute. Now, I

6:24

am going to try to be fair here. Not

6:26

too fair, though. If you read the Wiki,

6:29

they go through great pains to say that

6:31

the rumors of Edwards alternative sexuality were never

6:33

confirmed. And look, personally,

6:36

I also prefer poetry and music

6:38

over war and sports. So I'm

6:40

not saying one necessarily connotes the

6:42

other, but the newly minted and

6:44

married king was not exactly overjoyed when

6:46

his middle school age bride made her

6:48

way across the channel. Still not a

6:50

point in the gay column, Tom. Just

6:52

want to point that out. When

6:58

Isabella arrived, Edward was too busy spending

7:00

his time with Piers

7:02

Gaveston, an quote,

7:04

arrogant, ostentatious soldier with a

7:06

reckless and headstrong personality, end

7:09

quote. Edward was in

7:11

fact so distracted by the charming Gaveston

7:13

that at Edward's own wedding

7:16

celebration, Edward chose to

7:18

sit apart from Isabella so he

7:20

could hang out with Piers. And he

7:22

also gave all of Isabella's jewelry to Gaveston.

7:26

And Gaveston wore that jewelry publicly

7:28

to rub it in her face,

7:30

and then Edward also refused to

7:32

grant Isabella her own lands or

7:34

household, despite both of those things

7:36

being fairly customary. Isabella complained

7:39

to her father that Edward spent more

7:41

nights in Gaveston's bed than hers, and

7:43

that Gaveston was seated at Edward's side rather

7:46

than Isabella at court. It

7:48

actually took an intervention by the powerful

7:50

French king before Edward began to provide

7:52

more adequately for his new bride. And

7:55

for her part, Isabella understood that she needed

7:57

Gaveston out of the picture if get

8:00

pregnant, produce an heir, smooth

8:02

out international relations, and

8:05

survive. So Isabella worked

8:07

with her father, the French king, and

8:09

a bunch of barons who were tired

8:11

of Gavison's hanging on, along with the

8:13

help of the matchmaking pope to have

8:15

Gavison temporarily exiled to Ireland. Now we

8:17

just call that a layover on Ehrlingus.

8:20

I don't think Ehrlingus was the problem with the

8:22

marriage. I

8:24

don't think any lingus was the

8:27

problem. Now

8:29

once Gavison was out of the picture, suddenly

8:31

Edward began to understand that he was the

8:33

goddamn king of England, and he

8:36

was going to need to do manly king

8:38

stuff, such as provide for his

8:40

French wife. Wait, so they

8:42

sent him to Ireland for a timeout?

8:45

Pretty much. Because

8:48

fairly quickly, Gavison returned from his brief

8:50

exile, and for a while at least,

8:52

the three figured out how to coexist.

8:55

And Isabella began to build support at the

8:57

court of her own, which she was desperately

8:59

going to need. By the next year, for

9:02

complicated reasons, only Noah would spend

9:04

time explicating in any detail. England

9:06

had fully descended into civil war, and

9:08

both Edward and Isabella's lives were now

9:10

very much in peril. Okay, if you're

9:12

curious, dear listener, it was called the

9:14

Second Barons War, and it was a

9:17

group of barons that wanted a force

9:19

of the king to have a council

9:21

of barons instead of just hand-picked lackeys.

9:23

Cecil, stop trying to raise an army of

9:25

history nerds against Tom, or I'll tell everyone

9:27

your new podcast turned to Christian. You can't

9:29

have friends you disagree with, Eli! No, you

9:32

can't! Only

9:35

Noah would put in that context. I

9:40

have a partner in crime here. You

9:43

do. The Wikipedia doesn't explicitly- Not

9:45

number two. I know, we are. We

9:47

are. I'm chugging along anyway, though. You

9:50

want me to do Carl? I can bring in Carl. I can

9:53

bring in all of it. All right,

9:56

so the Wikipedia doesn't explicitly say it, but

9:58

for my reading- It is very

10:00

clear that being a medieval king involved

10:03

much more actually fighting personally

10:05

in the war than

10:07

we would expect from our own political elites. But

10:10

not more than we would hope for. Yeah. And

10:15

this resulted in Edward leaving Isabella to go

10:17

off and wage war against the barons that

10:20

were opposing him. But if

10:22

you'll recall, Edward was much more of a

10:24

lover than a fighter, and his military exploits

10:26

were disastrous. Although

10:29

he escaped with his life, Edward's special

10:31

companion, Piers Gavison, not

10:33

so lucky. He was captured and executed.

10:37

And while this was undoubtedly a bad time for

10:39

Piers, it may or may not be a

10:41

coincidence that after Gavison's death,

10:44

Isabella finally became pregnant and gave birth

10:46

to her first son, Edward III. But

10:49

the joyous news came amid increasing political

10:51

tensions, and the arrival on the scene

10:54

of Hugh Despenser the

10:56

Elder, whose family were enemies

10:58

of the guys who killed Gavison. And

11:00

this made an easy alliance with Edward, who was

11:02

in the mood for revenge for his lover's execution.

11:05

Yeah, well, you may not know this, but

11:07

Hugh Despenser was so high-born that we would

11:09

eventually name Reed Storrs after him. That is

11:11

great. So

11:18

Edward and Isabella headed off to Paris

11:20

to garner French support in their fight

11:22

against the barons who opposed their rule.

11:26

Reunited with her family, Isabella enjoyed a

11:28

satirical puppet show put on by her

11:30

brothers. And since no one

11:32

had yet invented fun, everyone had a

11:34

dark-ages good time. Oh, but I include

11:37

superfluous detail? I didn't tell you to

11:39

tell me about the puppet show. Okay.

11:42

He's giving me ideas, Noah. He's giving me ideas. No

11:44

puppet shows. That's on the whiteboard. That has to

11:47

be on the whiteboard. Now,

11:49

Isabella, as a token of appreciation for the

11:51

show, gave to her brothers and their wives

11:54

fancy embroidered purses. And then she went

11:56

home with promises of French support for

11:58

their war. that everything

12:00

was finally coming up Isabella, but very

12:02

much no. At a

12:04

dinner party they threw back in London to

12:06

celebrate securing French war support, Isabella

12:09

noticed a couple of knights walking around,

12:11

wearing the purses that she had gifted

12:13

to her sisters-in-law. The

12:16

conclusion, and I admit this seems

12:18

like something of a leap, was that those

12:20

sisters were clearly banging these knights, and

12:23

Isabella ratted everyone out to her

12:25

father, and the whole thing turned

12:27

into a great big scandal, and all of Isabella's

12:29

sisters were punished, with the two

12:31

most heavily implicated in their affairs being imprisoned for

12:33

life, and the third one imprisoned

12:36

for a year for being, I

12:38

don't know, adjacent to the affair,

12:40

I guess. Man, Queer Eye Season

12:42

1 did not fuck around. Things

12:47

then got even worse, which does

12:49

seem improbable, but remember, this was

12:51

European mud times, so any horrible

12:54

thing was possible. Edward

12:56

tried and failed to defeat the Scots, and

12:58

his failure not only cost a bunch of

13:00

lives, but it weakened Edward, allowing his enemies

13:03

to further consolidate power. Thomas

13:05

of Lancaster, this was Edward's chief rival in

13:07

the Civil War, he began

13:09

to openly harass Isabella's family, and

13:12

then of course came the Great Famine. The

13:14

Great Famine was a combination of mass crop failures

13:16

as well as cattle and sheep disease that killed

13:19

off upwards of 80% of

13:21

the livestock, and it's estimated that as many as

13:24

15% of the population of England perished. Yeah, it's

13:26

a real holocaust if you think about it. Modern

13:33

listeners will be surprised here to learn that it

13:35

used to be the case that when a mass

13:37

casualty event happened, like a famine

13:39

or a plague, the world

13:41

used to hold their leadership accountable. So it's

13:44

not good news for Edward, and

13:46

by extension, Isabella. Tom's a big

13:48

anti-fouchey guy, everybody hates him, never

13:50

sets up about him. Big

13:52

anti-fouchey. So I get why you're framing it the way

13:54

you are, and I don't mean this as an accusation,

13:57

but it says a lot about the way that we

13:59

learn and record history. And what you're saying

14:01

here is like well, you know and then you

14:03

know all those thousands of starving peasants That was

14:05

a real inconvenience to the pampered monarch Oh

14:10

Shit Noah, I wish when hundreds of

14:12

thousands of present-day men and women died

14:14

of a plague at inconvenience the pampered

14:16

elites Back

14:23

to our story what happens next of course a

14:26

royal pretender appears at court a Royal

14:29

pretender is exactly what it sounds like

14:32

This is some guy who just shows up

14:34

one day and basically says they are the

14:36

rightful king In this case

14:38

the pretender was John dangerous who claimed he

14:41

was switched at birth with Edward making him

14:43

the real king Now this

14:45

wouldn't be an issue in normal

14:47

times But pretenders were real threats

14:49

when the sovereign was massively unpopular

14:52

in this case John was pretty quickly

14:54

arrested and executed but rumors spread around

14:56

the kingdom before he was neutralized again

14:58

Further weakening Edwards position. I know we

15:00

laugh at how silly this sounds now

15:02

But I guarantee there are Q anon

15:05

people in Dallas still camped out waiting

15:07

for John John I'm

15:11

telling you man. February is the October

15:13

of The

15:16

thing is is that I get it if they're unpopular

15:18

enough look if some rando in 2018

15:20

had come around going like no, I'm actually the

15:23

real Donald Trump. We were switched at birth So

15:25

I'm the rightful president. I'd be will I take

15:27

my chances You

15:30

might get another chance to take those chances Edward

15:33

was unhappy and he began to seek comfort

15:35

and solace in the welcoming bosom of his

15:38

wife No, actually he

15:40

did not he started banging Hugh to dispenser the

15:42

younger a whole bunch of

15:44

complicated Maneuvering that happens with a bunch of

15:46

players whose names won't mean anything to you

15:48

and certainly didn't to me But

15:50

the gist of what happened next

15:53

was that Edwards rival Lancaster moved

15:55

against the dispensers and demanded their exile

15:59

Edward was very. Elected exile his

16:01

lover and is lovers family. but

16:03

Isabella publicly drop to her knees

16:05

and beg Edward to allow that

16:07

exile. And I gave Edward cover

16:09

to send the dispensers into exile as a

16:11

kind of space saving favor to his wife.

16:14

And that likely saved everyone's as.

16:17

Well. As at least one acid didn't save

16:19

him from I hear that was edwards favor

16:21

of who have to set out of ah

16:24

after a little apropos of. Nothing.

16:40

Beyond as I would argue very

16:42

so much sport and and of

16:44

course it is my Ana High

16:47

Bishop I am after all vaccines

16:49

and this is my wedding Us

16:51

and. Your. Thumbs My lovely

16:53

bride! Was. A

16:56

shit guy. This is your came to

16:58

be my lady. Oh. So.

17:00

You. Don't

17:04

you are. Free. Sample. Oh

17:06

God No. Mcqueen. Please

17:08

can you know what? mail on your lats?

17:10

The Role: I get it. I'm literally going

17:13

to throw up. Throw a party hard.

17:16

If I may begin. To the

17:18

Love of God, please begin. The

17:21

lords and ladies will take their places. My

17:24

niece once the new boyfriend know

17:26

and she said that she also

17:28

ma said it's a killer and

17:30

then you will join a hound

17:32

yes like this like that. See

17:34

during the think a thing on

17:36

my palm tree during the think

17:38

of thing on my brain please

17:40

Oh my God. Signs of fuck

17:42

improves. I knew I am. And.

17:45

Then I shall say the blessing and you

17:47

will be wide between your nations. The

17:50

eyes of God. Bless me

17:52

up like a flexible commercial My

17:54

suppose. Yes, Sweet.

17:58

And. going to start a war with the barons Was

18:00

that? I said I can't wait to marry

18:02

you. I bet you can't. It's

18:04

like an appetizer player in high bars down there.

18:07

Okay. And

18:24

we're back in not a moment too soon. Tom, please

18:26

take us in some direction other than that. All

18:31

right. There was then

18:33

a very weird little moment in the story

18:35

when Isabella wasn't allowed to couch surf at

18:38

a friend's house while on a road trip,

18:40

and that actually started its own small war

18:42

because every fucking thing started a small war

18:44

in the 13th century. Just everything. Basically,

18:48

Isabella was traveling to Canterbury as she

18:51

and her retinue and guards stopped at

18:53

the household of one of the King's

18:55

stewards' castles for the night. But

18:57

the lady of the house refused to

18:59

let Isabella crash, which led to a

19:01

fight between Isabella's guards and the garrison

19:04

and kicked off something called the Dispenser

19:06

War. To be fair,

19:08

my wife has invited some people to our house

19:10

that I would gladly have thought of duked them

19:12

to make leave. So I

19:14

do get it. Edward

19:18

was actually pissed off on his aggrieved

19:20

wife's behalf, so he gathered some of

19:22

his own friends, and then they laid

19:24

fucking siege to the castle. And

19:27

during that siege, Edward gave control

19:29

of the Tower of London to Isabella

19:32

and sent her to the Tower to

19:34

await her prizes. And

19:36

a few weeks later, the siege succeeded, and

19:38

the lady of the house and her children

19:41

were sent to the Tower of

19:43

London under the direct supervision of

19:46

the spurned Isabella, who

19:48

it is supposed did not forget to

19:50

thank them for their hospitality. I

19:53

made you guys these purses so you'll

19:55

have somewhere to store all your removed

19:57

fingers. Edward

20:02

reunited with the dispensers and together

20:04

they finally for and defeated Lancaster

20:06

Edwards chief rival and that original

20:08

Civil War. And Edward. and as

20:10

lovers you went medieval on a

20:12

lot of insurrection. As Asses points

20:14

to, the Civil War was still

20:17

going with this the as their.

20:19

Their. Wars have wars. Athena sub

20:22

was a i'm stuck in

20:24

a sob. Antidote.

20:27

Or the next four years was

20:30

pretty much a rounding up of

20:32

imprisonment and execution of everyone even

20:34

tangentially involved in the Civil War

20:37

against Edward. Be. Executed not

20:39

just the men involved in the fighting,

20:41

but confiscated their land, burned their homes,

20:43

and executed their whole families. And.

20:46

Even for the standards of European

20:48

mud times, this was widely condemned

20:50

in their contemporary writing, and Isabella

20:52

was right there with those contemporaries

20:54

disgusted and appalled at the harshness

20:56

of the reprisals. If she's like

20:58

I am not above be fingering

21:00

a motherfucker for make me crash

21:02

at the Ramada with this is.

21:07

A medieval in. The

21:11

uneasy truce between Isabella and

21:13

the Kings lovers you completely

21:15

disintegrated. In the midst of all

21:17

this chaos, some reports suggest that you

21:19

assaulted Isabella, and well, that's not certain.

21:22

What is certain is that the Dispenser

21:24

family defaulted on payments owed Isabella and

21:26

her family and refused to cede control

21:28

of land and councils that a Spencer's

21:30

gain control of during the war. Edward.

21:34

Sided with dispenser rather than his wife, and

21:36

he cut her off from gifts and war

21:38

spoils that would have traditionally been shared with

21:40

the queen. Isabella. Was it

21:42

is fair to say. Getting. Very

21:44

tired of Edwards shit. right?

21:47

but now that seasons than the voice

21:49

for i'm picturing isabella trying to fight

21:51

you had a hockey game while holding

21:53

a big gulp of us are fun

21:55

is a lot more fun i my

21:57

head now is what i'm saying well

22:00

it's fun but it gets much much

22:02

worse. Sometimes you

22:04

and your wife are traveling together on a

22:07

military campaign against the Scots and

22:09

then you and your wife split up but before you

22:11

do your wife pleads with you for troops to protect

22:13

her while you're away. But you think

22:15

I need all those troops for my own

22:17

fighting and besides women be getting all hysterical.

22:19

So you say no and then you know

22:21

how she and her household then get cut

22:24

off by the Scots from one side and

22:26

the Flemish from another and then she has

22:28

to fight her way to the coastline with

22:30

only her personal retinue of squires until she

22:32

can commandeer a ship and evade the Flemish

22:35

Navy before making her way south to York

22:37

and then somehow this is all your fault

22:39

and meanwhile you lost your battle anyway and

22:41

now you're the asshole who ruined vacation. And

22:45

Judge Mathis is wild

22:47

sometimes. Gives a whole

22:50

new meaning to talking ship in

22:52

my right hand. Well done. It's

22:54

a boat. Edward

22:56

gets it and Isabella was just fucking

22:58

done after narrowly avoiding death after her

23:00

husband refused to protect her and losing

23:03

a lady and waiting in the fighting.

23:05

Isabella effectively separated from the king leaving

23:08

him to live with his lover Hugh and

23:11

by the end of 1324 things

23:13

were pretty fucking acrimonious with Edward

23:15

and Hugh confiscating all of Isabella's

23:17

property and arresting and imprisoning all

23:19

of her French household staff and

23:22

removing Isabella's children from her care to be

23:24

placed to be raised with the dispensers. Okay

23:26

but not the worst that any of us

23:28

has seen a dude get after a breakup.

23:30

I mean it's pretty bad. Yeah, no, we've

23:32

seen worse. We've all seen worse. That's fair.

23:35

Isabella realized that there was no longer

23:37

any hope of reaching an amicable solution

23:39

with Edward so she returned to

23:41

France. Initially she was presented

23:43

as a delegate of the king but pretty

23:46

quickly her presence and her

23:48

story galvanized French fury with

23:50

Edward and his incompetent, indifferent

23:53

cruelty. Sensing the moment

23:55

Isabella took a lover of her own and

23:57

formed an alliance with the first Earl of

23:59

March and and raised an army of

24:01

her own to oppose her shithead husband.

24:04

And then they trapped Edward by putting a good

24:06

looking Lord in a big box held up by

24:08

a string and a stick. Yeah,

24:10

that'll do it. All

24:12

right. But the fact that she's marching on

24:14

it with the first Earl of March makes

24:16

it sound like she's just making some shit

24:18

up in her area. Who's with me? I'll

24:20

tell you who's. I love to also that

24:22

her lover's name is a guy named Roger.

24:25

Roger does not sound like an

24:28

intimidating mercenary's name, but Isabella and

24:30

Roger and his mercenary army invaded

24:32

England, taking the country in

24:35

a series of lightning attacks and

24:37

decisive battles that saw the capture

24:39

and execution of the dispensers and

24:41

which forced Edward, the King of England

24:44

to abdicate the throne. Now,

24:47

Edward was eventually murdered, but by whom

24:49

is uncertain. But what is certain is

24:51

that Isabella ruled England from 1327 to 1330

24:53

as regent

24:56

after deposing her husband and seizing

24:58

control of the country with her

25:01

French lover, Roger. Your

25:03

Highness, your lands are mine. Your

25:06

men are mine. Also, Roger

25:08

found a beer chicken recipe he'd

25:10

like to try out tonight.

25:13

Everyone could stick around. He

25:15

saw it on the barefoot Contessa. Who

25:21

has sandals with socks a lot? Isabella

25:25

ruled with her lover for four years

25:28

until her son, Edward the

25:30

third deposed Roger and his mother in

25:32

a coup, taking back Royal

25:34

authority for the Edwards. Roger

25:37

Mortimer was killed, but Isabella ever

25:39

the survivor, not only survived, but

25:41

having consolidated substantial wealth and property

25:44

during her reign, remained a very

25:46

wealthy and influential member of the

25:48

English court, despite never

25:50

again regaining direct political power.

25:53

All right. So if you had to summarize what you've learned in one

25:55

sentence, what would it be? Happy wife, happy

25:57

life. All

26:00

right, are you ready for the quiz? Let's do it. All right,

26:03

Tom. What's the best brand name

26:05

for a nightly purse? a

26:09

war Ferragamo Greaves

26:14

Saint Laurent D

26:18

Fendi Or

26:21

D a lance Yaga

26:30

Correct Alright

26:33

Tom, I have far

26:35

inferior puns for you. Um, what should

26:37

the video game about Queen Isabella France

26:39

be called a France

26:42

France revolution We

26:46

wait, it's not a revolution okay

26:48

B grand theft equine See

26:55

is a balloon fight or

26:58

The wed

27:00

ed What

27:04

ed redemption is the most clever but I would

27:06

play grand theft equine that is that it oh

27:08

I thought I was gonna fool you on that

27:11

one, but you nailed it really grand theft equine

27:13

is read that redemption, but Alright

27:18

Tom Isabella smithabella, what are we gonna

27:21

do about Cecil starting a new podcast?

27:23

Hey, I'll tell them both and then

27:25

our Start our own

27:27

podcast not invite him to be a party

27:31

Make fake patreon accounts and then cancel

27:33

them and leave in the exit survey

27:35

that were out range that we Tom

27:37

and Eli are not Open

27:41

their show with a sketch Well,

27:47

I don't want to do it I think it's their

27:49

show with a sketch so I'll see right that is

27:51

great No, it's not Not

27:55

actually gonna kill. More

28:00

wow events like our winter his he will

28:02

be about as maybe I'm an actor. As

28:06

I ordered as a from know and next week

28:08

I will for he lies cecil add some

28:10

i'm no as a brain I was today We'll

28:12

be back next week by then I'll be

28:14

nice for us up most. Between now and

28:16

then you stick sees a lot of his new show

28:18

Lawful Assembly which is. A fine, nice, awesome

28:21

so it doesn't No one has to

28:23

die over. Those

28:25

purposes I was the patriot Act as a

28:27

citizen but or live as Missouri's every weekend

28:29

village keep in touch with a set up

28:32

as up as as girl was. officially they

28:34

are checked the photos we should check out

28:36

citationpod.com. I.

28:40

Now pronounce you. Man

28:42

and wise. You.

28:44

May. Kiss.

28:48

The bride and. You

28:51

may do a body shot off the bride.

28:53

No. Thank you. You. Sure, let's

28:56

use the bad as people.

28:58

Take. A Don't. The

29:01

are you shocking yourself right now while we

29:03

record Tom. You're. Not allowed to child

29:05

as I myself in the mornings wake, lives,

29:07

sees my body. Ah, I'm have

29:09

a hard time waking up by. I told you I

29:11

bought a shock bracelet to wake myself up in the

29:13

morning. That. Delivers electric shock as

29:15

the alarm. And. I stupidly

29:17

this morning's the first time I use that I set

29:19

it to fucking kill like I just was like well

29:22

yeah I know like how strong it'll be but I

29:24

have to get up I can always like dial it

29:26

back but if it's none of wake me up and

29:28

defeated this purpose. This morning I

29:30

said it to like the maximum settings

29:32

Sit is it is the most unpleasant

29:35

thing I've ever experienced to what it's

29:37

about. Oscar over yeah It is so

29:39

much stronger than I thought it was

29:41

going to be and so much more

29:43

persistent. It's a place shocks. What?

29:46

Are you what do you study of the Due to

29:48

Lysa? Love this delay of the silver hoops, all the

29:50

mess and yet to solve a puzzle on your app

29:52

on your phone users that. i

29:54

gotta say this will story risk worked for years

29:57

and years ago i said it's your i say

29:59

you are huh Right so it goes to a

30:01

hundred yeah hundred sounds like a lot I set it to a

30:03

hundred and then like it has

30:05

a man is like how many zaps you want

30:07

for wake up the max Is sure and then

30:09

it has like an interval between how many five

30:12

sets is app so the minimum interval

30:14

is five seconds Oh, hi,

30:16

kiratov So

30:21

like I turn this thing up to fucking

30:25

You know I

30:30

have a hard time last night's sleep and like I

30:33

have been so like I got a couple hours of

30:35

sleep and then like 530

30:37

rolls around and the watch goes off and it is

30:39

at first just like Shocking

30:41

you're like what is happening because your brain

30:43

just came in process from a deep sleep

30:46

Why this would be happening and who might

30:48

be doing it and then I'm like,

30:50

oh fuck is that goddamn watch? So then I go

30:52

to open my app. Well, the app is slow to

30:54

open and like refresh it's been like closed all night

30:56

So it's like But

31:00

I get through the five zaps and I'm

31:02

like, come on, let me solve this fucking

31:04

puzzle it like I've said that it's like

31:08

Like hits me with like another five and I'm like, oh god,

31:10

just give me the puzzle the puzzles like Seven

31:12

divided by one. It's like the easy. You know, there's

31:14

not hard puzzle. Like did me just a puzzle like

31:16

wham I like nailed with by like oh

31:18

man. I am so awake though I am

31:21

I've never been more fucking fully

31:23

awake Like I don't want this to be like an

31:25

everyday thing But like I'll tell you what Wow if

31:27

I got a meeting in the morning, I can't miss

31:30

I like to like all still I'm

31:33

away to sleep in a fucking sensory

31:35

deprivation tank. That's slowly filled the water

31:42

Doing a thing that if you do it

31:44

to a prisoner Right

31:48

what's against the Geneva conventions like what you

31:50

did to yourself is against the Giva continue

31:52

You can go as soon as you said

31:54

shock bracelet the way you but like wow

31:57

you must When

32:00

he said he was gonna buy one, I was like, see

32:02

now I would just change everything about my life. I

32:05

could be talking to the

32:07

shocking yourself awake person. You

32:09

just take off all your clothes, you walk out

32:11

the door, you wait until the cops pick you up,

32:14

and you're like, yeah, no, I'm whatever this next step

32:16

is. I feel like you need

32:18

to be the guy in fucking kung fu

32:20

and just walk into the distance with a dick

32:22

and your shit on it. And just be

32:24

like, I'm done. And then go fucking

32:26

learn kung fu for the rest of my life. That's

32:29

what I'm gonna do. There's no shot

32:31

bracelet. No, all you have

32:33

is this stick and clothes and you're barefoot

32:36

and you just walk back. You just

32:38

walk this. You just find a new you, man. That's

32:40

gotta be the next step. Just over the sunshine. That's

32:43

amazing. The best part is, look, if

32:45

he had one of those TikTok live

32:47

babies that you gotta suction every 45

32:49

seconds and they drown in their own spit,

32:52

but he's just like, yeah, no, I mean, who's

32:54

gonna wake up the kids, if not me? I

32:56

don't know, man. Someone not in Abu Ghraib, the

32:58

life of the area. Makes

33:02

a peanut butter and dung pinsches before. I

33:07

feel like there's so many options on the

33:09

list before. I think you're cute

33:11

myself, you're awake. Tom's making

33:13

a human pyramid of himself downstairs.

33:18

Hailey, you gotta put on this hood and take it back.

33:20

You gotta take it back. It's a thing, it's a thing.

33:24

Unbelievable.