0:00

Hello and welcome. Citation

0:23

needed. Podcast where you choose a subject,

0:25

read a single article about it on

0:27

Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. This

0:30

is the internet and that's how it

0:32

works now. I'm Cecil and I'll be

0:34

introducing our dancers tonight. We're joined by

0:36

tap belly and ballroom Noah Eli and

0:38

Tom. I bet Eli's less offended by

0:40

being belly than he is by not

0:42

being tap. Yeah, it burns

0:44

me again. Now it burns me once again.

0:48

I see. So it's less of a ball room

0:50

and more of a ball alcove. It's

0:53

like a ball niche. Patrons,

0:58

you put the swing in our step and if you'd like

1:00

to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick

1:02

around until the end of the show. And

1:04

with that out of the way, tell

1:06

us Tom what person, place, thing,

1:08

concept, phenomenon or event we'd be

1:10

talking about today. We'll be talking

1:13

today about Lola Montez. Are

1:16

you ready to increase your word count

1:18

with an intro paragraph anecdote for us?

1:20

I am Cecil and I'll read it

1:23

slowly to drag it. Perfect.

1:26

I'm going to go get some of the drinks so it'll work

1:28

out. And one of the things

1:30

that I think about likely rather more often than

1:32

I should is what kind of legacy I will

1:34

leave when I'm gone. What kind

1:36

of life I will have lived and what I

1:38

will accomplish. And sometimes I even imagine that I

1:40

may be doing okay in this department, but

1:43

every once in a while I run across the

1:45

bio of someone who has in a stunningly short

1:47

amount of time, lived more life

1:49

than any 10 people I have ever met.

1:52

Lola Montez definitely fits that bill. And while

1:54

this won't be the story of a woman

1:56

of traditional accomplishments, what I love about Lola

1:59

is that she... She lived her life

2:01

with a wild abandon of fullness

2:03

that is its own achievement. If

2:06

abandoning fullness is an achievement, I've been crushing life

2:08

since I gave up fried foods and red meat.

2:11

Shh, I'm starving to death. It's

2:14

the saddest thing anyone's ever said on this show. Born

2:18

in Grange, Ireland in 1821. We talked about

2:20

genocide. Still the saddest thing I've ever heard on

2:22

this show. I stand by what I said. I've

2:25

been back to a bunch of future crimes. It's

2:27

a whole thing. I stand by what I've been

2:29

saying. I can't have fried bacon. I can't have

2:31

fried bacon, people. Sympathy.

2:35

Born in Grange, Ireland in 1821 to

2:37

Ensign Edward Gilbert and Elizabeth

2:39

Oliver, Lola's life was anything

2:41

but ordinary from the beginning.

2:44

Since all of Ireland was, at this time, part

2:46

of the United Kingdom and since Lola's dad

2:48

was in the UK military, the family was frequently

2:50

on the move. She was

2:52

baptized in Liverpool, England while the family was making

2:55

their way to India for Edward's post. Pretty

2:58

much as soon as they arrived in India, however, Edward

3:00

died of cholera, as was the fashion

3:02

in the day, which left the young family

3:05

in something of a pickle. Fortunately,

3:07

Lola's mom was evidently something of a looker

3:09

and at the ripe old age of 19,

3:12

she pretty much immediately remarried, this

3:14

time to Lieutenant Patrick Craigie, who

3:17

committed to raising Lola as his own. At

3:19

least that was his intention. That's

3:22

what he said on Tinder Massenride.

3:27

But see, Lola was a

3:30

huge, extravagant, delightful pain in

3:32

the ass. And so

3:34

the newlyweds decided to ship Lola off to

3:36

Scotland to live with Patrick's father. Scottish

3:39

climes did nothing to quell Lola's wild

3:42

ways, however, a fact which Wikipedia makes

3:44

clear with these two anecdotes. Quote,

3:47

On one occasion, she stuck flowers into the

3:49

wig of an elderly man during a church

3:51

service. On another, she ran

3:53

through the streets naked. worse

4:00

so I don't know. But

4:02

you know whoever said I bet Scottish

4:04

cultural calm her right down shouldn't be

4:07

allowed to talk anymore. No. I

4:10

haven't met those people. Now

4:12

old Scottish crag he put up with young Lola

4:14

until she turned 10 when

4:17

he learned that a boarding school in Sunderland,

4:19

England was owned by the family and he

4:21

could ship her off to said boarding school

4:23

which he did with a presumed sigh of

4:25

very heavily accented relief. Lola's

4:28

time at this boarding school was

4:30

marked by her trademark temper and determination.

4:33

Two words I pilfered from the wiki and

4:35

which when combined means someone who will get

4:37

mad at you and hurt you for a

4:40

long time with a very clear conscience. She

4:42

was transferred a year later to a new boarding

4:44

school this time in Bath. Okay it

4:47

says a lot about you that you looked

4:49

at the word determination and immediately assumed it

4:51

meant prolonged vengeance Tom. I just want to

4:53

apologize for a lot of the things I've

4:55

said. Here on

4:57

the list. So things must have

4:59

been a little better at this boarding school or

5:01

possibly the food was better because Lola managed to

5:03

stay at this one until she met Lieutenant Thomas

5:05

James at the tender age of 16. They

5:09

quickly eloped and once again Lola was

5:11

off to India trailing behind a man

5:14

with a colonialist military mission. Not

5:16

to fret however because Lola only managed to

5:18

stay married to the lieutenant for five years

5:21

which he separated from him in Calcutta, took

5:23

up a stage name and became a

5:25

dancer. A sexy

5:27

dancer. And it is

5:30

here that I should say that Lola is the

5:32

stage name. Lola's actual given name was Eliza but

5:34

that is the same name that her mother Elizabeth

5:36

also went by and I thought that was annoying

5:38

and confusing and so I didn't mention it earlier.

5:42

Lola headed next to London and

5:44

she debuted as Lola the Spanish

5:46

dancer which amuses Lente.

5:49

Since Lola is Irish and she learned to

5:52

do her sexy dances in India and she

5:54

is now performing in England.

5:57

While there however Lola was recognized as the

5:59

former Mrs. James and this connection to

6:01

a respectable military man killed the boners

6:03

of the dudes who knew her. Her

6:06

dancing career stalled out and Lola headed

6:08

to the continent to dance in Paris in Warsaw,

6:10

where she was much more successful as a dancer

6:13

and where she also began her new life as

6:15

a course of weird standard coming

6:18

up to the stage, the lovely

6:20

Lola. And we can assure

6:22

you that we do not know who she's married

6:24

to. Let's give it up. That

6:29

oversized military coat is not

6:32

helping. Now

6:36

a courtesan, for those not up on

6:39

their 19th century lingo, is a prostitute

6:41

who primarily takes on wealthy clientele. Yeah,

6:44

a prostitute for guys who still want to be able to

6:46

look down on men who hire prostitutes. Yes. That's

6:49

exactly what it is. While

6:53

working in Paris, Lola met and had

6:55

an affair with Franz Liszt, a very

6:57

famous Hungarian composer who was basically a

7:00

rock god at the time. Now

7:02

Franz introduced Lola to Jors Sand,

7:05

a famous French novelist, more famous at

7:07

the time in fact than Victor Hugo

7:09

or Balzac, and who ran

7:11

in very rarefied... Balzac? No,

7:14

no, it's Balzac. Bal... No, it isn't

7:16

Balzac. Balzac, yeah. I'm getting the

7:18

latest that our friend Cecil learned about the author,

7:20

Balzac, right here in the end. I've never heard

7:23

of this guy before. Can

7:25

you hug him, Dougie Cough? His

7:30

left side is bigger than his right, so...

7:33

Walking a little crooked all the time. Jors

7:36

Sand ran in rarefied social circles.

7:39

Using her connections, Lola toured and danced

7:42

across many of Europe's capital cities before

7:44

settling back into Paris and reestablishing a

7:46

relationship with the literary bohemians of the

7:48

city, including Alexandre Dumas, who

7:51

she began an affair with for time.

7:53

To be fair, if I'd been given the choice,

7:55

I'd have fucked Alexandre Dumas rather than reading

7:57

Three Musketeers, too. Don't

8:01

try to take hate in great literature while

8:03

Heath isn't here to defend himself, Eli. We

8:05

see what you're saying. That's my shame. It's

8:07

fine. It's fine. More

8:11

than one person can hate literature. I

8:14

think that's a loud, weird PSA. Hey,

8:18

having tried to teach it for a

8:20

minute, I can attest to that. Yes,

8:22

more than one person can hate it.

8:27

Lola's next or possibly concurrent

8:29

dalliance was with Alexander Dujariot,

8:31

who owned the biggest newspaper

8:33

in France and who was

8:35

also the big drama critic

8:37

at the time. Dujariot

8:40

helped to push Lola's dancing career even

8:42

further ahead, but Lola was nowhere near

8:44

as good for him as he

8:47

was for her. After they

8:49

got into a fight about whether Lola

8:51

should attend a party or not, Dujariot

8:53

upset about the fight, got drunk, and

8:55

attended said party. While he

8:57

was there, he offended some guy with a very

8:59

long French name I'm not going to pronounce, and

9:01

those two ended up in a duel, which Dujariot

9:04

lost, and he died. Lola

9:07

moved on. All right, well,

9:09

Lola is mixing and mingling with only

9:11

the Basque dead people, so let's take

9:13

a break and see where this goes

9:16

next. I

9:31

tell you this, Lola is the most

9:33

lovely and chanterous you will ever see. And

9:36

you say she'll attend tonight's ball? Indeed,

9:39

in fact, here she is now, Lola. My

9:42

lady. Welcome. Sorry

9:45

I'm late, I had to take a major fucking dump

9:47

on the carriage on the way over. You

9:50

were... waylaid? No.

9:53

I told you I had to take a fucking dump in the carriage.

9:57

I see, Lola. This is

9:59

Alexandre Dumas. Perhaps the greatest

10:01

novelist in the world. Oh, you are

10:03

too kind. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Look,

10:05

if you wanna do maa-ha, you gotta

10:07

have to fucking buy me TGI

10:10

Fridays. And then you gotta wait

10:12

because you do not wanna go spelunking during flood

10:14

season, if you know what I mean. Indeed.

10:18

Lola. What?

10:22

I've heard that you are the most

10:24

fascinating of dancers. Why don't you entertain

10:26

us tonight? That

10:28

depends, does your fiddle guy know drops of

10:30

Jupiter by train? No.

10:34

And no dice. Now I gotta go take a

10:36

shit. I-I

10:39

thought you went into carriage on the way over. Well

10:42

this one isn't too party like fucking

10:44

dude, okay? I see. My pot, she's

10:47

ravishing. Isn't she? She's

10:50

shitting in the punch bowl. Ravishingly.

10:52

Oh yes, great. Hi,

11:01

I'm No

11:03

Illusion. And

11:12

I have seen your face. Come

11:15

on! He literally taped himself to the chair

11:17

and- So pull him! You

11:20

pull him. Anyway, I'm here to

11:22

talk to you about factor. But No

11:25

Illusion's what? Hot. Hot. Great.

11:28

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Bachmann. Nobody knows what that means.

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I know what it means. I'm not helping, man.

12:51

Alright, so far, Lola has gotten

12:54

notoriety by banging some famous people.

12:56

So she's like 1840s

12:58

Kardashian. What happens next? Well,

13:01

this time she moved to Munich, where

13:03

she was quickly discovered by the king

13:06

of Bavaria, Ludwig I. The

13:08

story of their meeting is really

13:10

the stuff of poetry. You see, the

13:12

king, upon seeing the Buxom

13:14

Lola, called out, asking if

13:16

them titties were real, whereupon

13:19

the ever demure Lola ripped her

13:21

bodice such that there was no

13:23

question as to the veracity of

13:25

dem titties, and thus

13:27

began their love story. For

13:30

real, that is real. That is how they bet. Yeah.

13:34

And it's still better than the couple who met in

13:36

high school. Sorry, Noah. No, no, I get it. I

13:38

get it. For the exception, not the rule. And

13:42

now Lola became, for a time,

13:44

pretty fucking important. King

13:46

Ludwig was just absolutely in lust

13:49

with Lola, and she knew it

13:51

and used it, wielding considerable influence

13:53

over the king. The

13:56

Bavarian people Fucking hated

13:58

her. They knew Lola was. The

14:00

in the King's here among other places.

14:03

And. Lola arrogance and temper. One her

14:05

very few friends among the citizenry. Particularly.

14:08

Since she was angling to become

14:10

a naturalized Bavarian citizen, Have.

14:12

A lot of was working that angle

14:14

because what she really wild west of

14:16

fuck the king so hard he made

14:18

her nobility. Exact. I'd

14:20

suits wasn't even that go to

14:23

show everybody so hot and numb

14:25

gets emphasis. Now

14:27

she did and seeded and other

14:29

kings next birthday. August Twenty Fifth,

14:31

Eighteen, Forty Seven King Ludwig The

14:33

First. Made. Lola Montez.

14:36

Be. Spanish dancer. The.

14:38

Countess of Landfilled and Baroness

14:40

of Rosenthal. Any granted her

14:43

a quite sizable annuity. Lola

14:45

was ecstatic, and for over a

14:48

year she became quite a considerable

14:50

political force in Bavaria, favoring liberalism

14:52

and dogging the Catholics in jazz.

14:54

What's. A to would you

14:56

say dogma Cabbage suggests with i assume you

14:59

mean something different than what spring to my

15:01

mind that. Out

15:04

as give him alone on this. How.

15:07

She was so powerful indeed the

15:09

minister of state who oppose Lola

15:11

being granted nobility and the titles.

15:13

Was. Dismissed along with his entire

15:15

cabinet after Lola succeeded. Oh.

15:17

What saw: It's like that's Racine. Pretty

15:19

woman, right? as? Miss.

15:24

A In March of Eighteen Forty Eight,

15:26

a whole bunch of crazy shit began

15:28

to pop off in Bavaria, led by

15:31

the students at Munich University. auditing at

15:33

Lola. his insistence closed the university. But

15:36

the revolution's of eighteen Forty Eight would

15:38

not be contained. The university was

15:40

reopened, the revolutionary movement gained power, Ludwig

15:42

the Horny abdicated his throne and low

15:45

have fled Bavaria. Thus, Ending

15:47

her brief stint as an Irish

15:49

born, English educated Indian trained exotic

15:51

dancer turned Bavarian noblewoman, thought Lola

15:53

bounced around a bit, hoping for

15:55

a short time to be reunited

15:57

with Ludwig. Were. When that didn't happen

15:59

to me, way back to London. Where. She

16:01

met and married George Trafford healed

16:04

a corner in the Are Who

16:06

added coincidentally I'm sure. Recently.

16:08

Inherited a tidy sum of

16:10

money. For below, those really

16:12

free to remarry Since a stipulation of are

16:15

divorced from Thomas James was it, neither could

16:17

remarry. Well, one of the other was still

16:19

alive. But. Stipulation sets

16:22

of entirely the wrong incentives. Others

16:28

newlyweds, they raised the ire of heels

16:30

scandalized aunt who raised the big Me

16:32

action against the pair and Lola George

16:35

fled London, first for France and then

16:37

to Spain. At top as a similar

16:39

agreement in his divorce or he's not allowed to

16:41

have any money while his acts as a lives.

16:50

Out forcefully their love would not last.

16:52

And neither would yours. And less than

16:54

two years from exchanging their vows, the

16:56

relationship was falling apart and. I'm.

16:58

Sure entirely coincidentally. Lola.

17:01

Still such husband. Drowned.

17:04

Lola. Now with an inheritance of her

17:07

own. Set. Her sights on America,

17:09

The average age and eighteen? whatever? Was

17:11

a Levin sub acting? Like Lola kept

17:13

a vial of cyanide. Around her neck

17:15

like a mystery. Not as simple as. That

17:18

that I'd I'd give it a propensity for

17:21

over my dead body clauses in the conference

17:23

of the time of the like that she

17:25

been standards stamina has. Happened.

17:29

Happened Yeah right? Yeah. A

17:32

Little As America Dance Revival was

17:34

a rousing initial success. She.

17:36

Performed as an actress and dancer across eastern

17:38

United States and it made eighteen fifty three.

17:40

Lola headed west to San Francisco. Where.

17:43

Her performances create a sensation of really

17:45

popular satire begin to diminish or appeal.

17:48

whereupon. Lola once more

17:50

coincidentally found love. The

17:53

lucky groom this time was Patrick Hall, a

17:55

newspaper man who brought the couple the Grass

17:57

Valley for the relationship to disintegrate. Likely be.

18:00

Lola was cheating Patrick with a local doctor.

18:02

And that doctor named as a co

18:05

respondents in the divorce against Lula. Was

18:08

mysteriously murdered. Mysteriously

18:11

with mysteries that are unknown One K is

18:13

how he was my. I would like to

18:15

retract my last bit of us as. a

18:20

kitten coincidentally around here lot

18:22

lot of coincidentally as an.

18:25

Hour eighteen Fifty Five lower left the

18:27

Us to to her australia ringing entertainment

18:29

to the miners of the gold digging

18:31

during the gold rush. And eighteen fifties.

18:33

According. To historian Michael Ten and quote.

18:37

In. September of eighteen fifty five, she

18:39

performed her Erotic Spider Dance. Raising.

18:41

Her skirts so high that the audience

18:43

could see you are no under closing

18:45

at all. Next. Day

18:48

The Argus. Thundered. That the

18:50

performance was. Utterly. Subversive to

18:52

all ideals of public morality.

18:55

Respectable families cease to attend the theater,

18:57

which began to show heavy losses. And

19:00

see, Slasher Bush had a kids matinee. What

19:03

is happened yet? Especially now that I'm initiation

19:05

waiting in the wings. Thought I knew I

19:07

should have gone for us. To

19:10

I I I burgers been a way to

19:12

a little of our energy focused on what

19:14

it was called the Spider. Man

19:17

of. Affairs were

19:19

unpopular like know. How

19:26

Lola Lola was not want to take

19:28

a bad review lately. Would. You

19:30

read a different bad review. The particularly

19:32

Arthur Little have found that editor. And

19:35

see beat him with a well. Which.

19:37

we are not allowed to do were about

19:39

assassins average you even though that would be fun

19:42

and fair and maybe consider how much you want

19:44

to test my need for restraint before you

19:46

type of some bullshit because i bet on

19:48

a stressful as for years i must say

19:50

alone was right the thought i made a set

19:52

of the money aside for content knows he

19:54

did and i've seen his divorce agreement everybody

19:56

your fi Whatever

20:00

you want. Okay, but I do

20:02

have a bug out bag, okay?

20:06

Maybe I don't have a lawyer. Other

20:11

reviews of the same erotic spider dance

20:13

were rather more enthusiastic in the Land

20:15

Down Under. When she performed at

20:17

Castle Main in 1856, she was rapturously

20:20

encored by a mesmerized

20:23

municipal council who had

20:25

adjourned their council meeting early to attend

20:28

her performance. Even

20:30

that performance had its low points

20:32

though when, after being gently heckled,

20:34

Lola unleashed a tirade of insults

20:36

against the audience and effectively ended

20:38

her career in Australia. And

20:41

thus she headed back to San Francisco. Her

20:44

manager for the Australia tour

20:46

mysteriously was lost at sea in

20:48

a mysterious misterial on the way back.

20:51

Alright, so I already liked Lola, but

20:53

the fact that she once unleashed a

20:55

series of insults so bad she had

20:57

to leave the continent she was on.

21:00

History has made her my hearing. Yeah,

21:02

for sure. Now upon returning to America,

21:04

Lola took a hard turn after failing

21:06

to revive her dance career and

21:09

began a series of moral

21:11

lectures of all. Really? Yeah,

21:13

I couldn't find one. I did look. I

21:16

couldn't find one. The once wild woman

21:18

was finally calming down though, likely because she

21:20

was beginning to show

21:22

symptoms of tertiary syphilis. According

21:25

to the Philadelphia Press, Lola was now quote, living

21:28

very quietly uptown, doesn't have much

21:30

to do with the world's people. Some of

21:32

her old friends, the Bohemians, now and then

21:34

drop in to have a little chat with

21:36

her and though she talks beautifully of her

21:38

present feelings and way of life, she generally

21:41

by way of parentheses takes out her little

21:43

tobacco pouch and makes a cigarette or two

21:45

for self and friend and then falls back

21:47

upon old times with decided gusto and effect.

21:50

But she doesn't tell anybody what she's going to

21:52

do. Lola's body

21:54

began to slowly waste and fail and in 1861, Lola

21:56

died. She

21:59

was 13 years old. 39 years old. Wow.

22:02

That's it. If you

22:04

had to summarize what you learned, one sentence, what would it be? There

22:07

is more power in a Bavarian cream pie

22:09

than I ever thought. Are you ready for

22:11

the quiz? Yeah,

22:14

why not? All right, I got

22:16

one for you. What was the

22:18

most popular ride at the Lola Montez theme

22:20

park? A, the Lola

22:22

Coaster. B, Space Montez. Fantastic.

22:27

I like that one. B,

22:30

the divorce go round. Or D, Lola

22:33

Montez. Oh,

22:36

man. Trick

22:42

question. A and D are the same.

22:44

So I will go with A because

22:46

I like them better. I thought I was going to fool you.

22:48

You got it. All right. All

22:51

right, Tom. After her skirt lifting dance, the

22:53

Australians gave her a nickname. What was it?

22:55

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

22:58

A, open box jellyfish.

23:02

C, B, a full frontman. P,

23:05

a womb bat. Or D,

23:09

ex patipus. Ex

23:12

patipus. Ex patipus. That's

23:15

good. Ex patipus. You are

23:17

right. Amazing, I think. Yeah, sure.

23:20

All right, Tom. It's obvious

23:22

that Lola Montez was the wrong stage

23:24

name. What would she have gone

23:26

with instead? A, the

23:29

crack widow. B,

23:31

the you'll be mistress.

23:35

Or C, ride him and weep.

23:40

What I like about your puns,

23:42

Eli, is just the long

23:44

pregnant pauses in them. Thank you. While

23:47

we get them. Sure. I'll go

23:49

with C. That's great because they're not right. Not

23:52

right. Wow. Yeah, it's

23:54

not right. Yeah. It's

23:56

gonna win. Yeah. Which

23:59

one was it? That one. He's pointing.

24:02

He's pointing. He's pointing. He's pointing.

24:04

You win. Thank you.

24:07

I want an essay from Noah next week

24:09

because he didn't point out any obvious mean

24:11

things about my poem. Okay,

24:16

well for Tom, Eli, Noah, and an absent

24:18

Heath, I'm Cecil. Thank you for hanging out

24:20

with us today. We'll be back next week

24:22

and by then Noah will be an expert

24:25

on something else between now and then. If

24:27

you have all our amazing podcasts, just send us an email

24:29

and we can send you our 900 page

24:32

PDF of all of them. And

24:34

if you'd like to help keep this show going,

24:37

you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com/citation

24:39

pod or you can leave us a five star

24:41

review everywhere you can. If you'd

24:43

like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect

24:45

with us on social media or check the show notes.

24:47

Be sure to check out citation pod dot

24:49

com. Which

24:54

is why sweet Lola, if you will, I'd

24:57

like to ask you to be my bride.

24:59

I'm sorry, what were you saying? I

25:02

was I was wiping with the inside of my dress.

25:05

You could have told me. I

25:08

don't like to look at you.

25:10

That's that's that's fair, my dear. Hey

25:14

there, everyone. We wanted to let you in on a little

25:16

bit of patron content that we put up every once in

25:18

a while. A reading of

25:21

a fan fiction. Now this particular fan fiction

25:23

is called My Immortal and it

25:25

is rife with misspelling. So it is being

25:27

read exactly as it's written. This

25:30

is a short piece from the latest installment

25:32

of My Immortal. We've done three others in

25:34

the past and plan to do a few

25:36

more after this. So if you want to

25:38

get in on this patron content, all you

25:41

have to do is go to patreon.com/citation pod

25:43

and become a patron on a per episode

25:45

basis. It's available to all our patrons. We

25:47

hope you enjoy this little taste. All

25:50

day. I wondered what the surprise

25:52

was. Meanwhile, I put on a black letter

25:55

mini, a black corset with herbal.

25:57

All over it. Black

26:00

Gothic Compaq boots. Compaq

26:04

boots, I love that so much.

26:06

It's my little boots! It's my

26:10

little tiny boots! Well, cause you can park

26:12

anywhere with Compaq boots. That's not how you

26:14

really... You can put a gas mileage. They

26:17

let you stand anywhere you want in the concert. You

26:19

can stand all the way up in front. You're allowed

26:22

to use EV spaces too, yeah. MCR,

26:24

we're going to the concert again. Since

26:26

Vlada Mart had taken over the last

26:29

one. I slit my

26:31

wrists while I moshed to MCR in

26:33

my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly,

26:36

someone knocked on the door while

26:38

I was trying on some black clothes

26:40

and moshing to fang you for the

26:43

venom. I got

26:45

all mad and turned it

26:47

off, but secretly I hopped

26:49

inside. That it was

26:51

Draco so we could do it again.

26:53

Just to be clear one more time,

26:55

now she's moshing around by herself. Holding

26:58

a knife in one hand while

27:00

trying on a bunch of clothes and just like, tripping

27:03

all over the place, shit around

27:05

her ankles, smashing into furniture, just

27:08

ruining this room. That's what

27:10

I picture you doing in your private timepiece. So now

27:12

the focus is real. That's what's just irrelevant.

27:17

What the fucking hell are you

27:19

doing? I shouted angrily. It

27:21

was Lupin. Are you

27:24

gonna come rape me or

27:26

what? I yelled. I

27:29

don't know. I was allowed to say that

27:31

because Dumbledore had told us all to be

27:33

careful around him and Snap since he was

27:35

a pedo. I feel like more action is

27:37

required by the guy running this school. I

27:40

guess this is the stuff from the Catholic school policy. So we'll

27:42

go through that with it. Yeah,

27:46

Catholic school policies don't ask, don't tell. No,

27:51

actually. Get it? Hell. Can

27:54

I please borrow some condoms?

27:56

He growled angrily. Oh, sure.

27:59

Yeah, but you need to give him. when you're done. Yeah,

28:04

so you can fuck your six-year-old

28:07

girlfriend, huh? I shouted, sarcastic

28:10

Callie. Fuck

28:12

her, he said, going away. Well,

28:15

that was a worthy little subplot. I'm glad

28:17

that happened. That's good. Yeah, that's

28:19

all. But no. Well, anyway,

28:22

I put on some black eye shadow,

28:25

black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and

28:27

white foundation. Not necessarily in that order,

28:29

though. I thought that would be amazing.

28:32

Then I went. Then

28:35

I gasped. Wait for it. Two. Wait

28:37

for it. Snake and

28:40

Lou've been were

28:42

in the middle of

28:44

the empty hall doing

28:47

it, and Dobby

28:49

was watching. Don't make

28:51

this weird, Dobby. Come on. Just

28:53

give me that sack when you're done.

29:01

Oh my God, you ludicrous idiot.

29:03

They both shoot it angrily. They

29:07

both shoot it angrily when they

29:09

saw me. Dobby ran

29:11

away crying. They got up, though. Normally,

29:15

I would have been turned

29:17

on. I love seeing guys do it,

29:19

but both of them were fucking preps.

29:21

BTW, snack is moved

29:24

to Gryffindor now. Thank

29:26

you for the clarification. This was hard to follow until

29:28

just now. WTF.

29:34

Is that why you wanted condoms,

29:37

I ask, sadistic castile? See?

29:39

I spelled that. Listen, the only word spelled

29:42

correctly in C I spelled that is I.

29:49

Only you wouldn't give them to me. That might be an

29:51

L. We don't know. Only

29:56

you wouldn't give them to me lumped

29:58

in a stone of egg, really. And

30:02

now, snake is Pragante!