Why do bats suddenly appear

Every time you are near?

Poor old Lucy! Always wanting to leave the windows open and somewhat averse to the garlic baguette that Van Helsing brandishes before her pallid fizzog. She’s arguably, in the words of 1950s magistrates, asking for it, fang-wise. But she’s certainly a fighter and submits to her arduous toilet twice daily, administered by her maid, whose name, of course, is never revealed.

Bram Stoker purists will be relieved to know that Banana Nesquik does not get a mention this week. But just like supermarket home delivery there’s always a disappointing ‘substitution’ in the shape of a Melton Mowbray mini.

I hope this week’s episode will spawn many comments be they harsh or otherwise.

Thanks for listening.

And remember, try to grow your own garlic for wreaths and garlands, as importing them from Holland will make the maps go redder.

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