0:03

So now this was a very nice day today. It was. Because

0:06

over here at our headquarters we got this great

0:08

gift, Tillamook ice cream. I'm a monster for ice

0:11

cream. I know you are too. I want

0:13

to take a bath in it and then I want to eat

0:15

the ice, eat the bath. Wait what? I

0:18

want to like bathe in it. But then I want to eat

0:20

it as I'm bathing in it. Yeah, yeah, that's a simple

0:22

concept. You made it much more complicated. I'm sorry. Fill a

0:24

bathtub with Tillamook ice cream. I will get in it and

0:26

then I will eat my way out. That's all you need

0:28

to do. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. They have so many great,

0:30

it's such good ice cream and they have so many great

0:33

flavors. I mean just off the top of my head, I

0:36

don't know. Birthday cake, caramel swirl, banana split,

0:38

caramel toffee crunch, chocolate chip, chocolate chip cookie

0:40

dough. I think there's butter pecan, cookies and

0:42

cream, French vanilla, chocolate peanut butter. Malted

0:44

mousse shake I think is one. I can't

0:46

remember too well. Mounted huckleberry, Tillamook mudslide, marion

0:48

berry pie, monster cookie, old fashioned vanilla, rocky

0:50

road, Oregon dark cherry, waffle cone swirl, prep

0:53

mint bark. I'm just going off

0:55

memory here. But holiday sugar

0:57

cookie, orange and cream. Anyway

0:59

so many great flavors and

1:02

just incredible. They

1:04

really put and they come in family sized

1:06

cartons. Also you're in good hands

1:09

with the Tillamook brand. They make over 200 different

1:11

dairy products and the brand is farmer owned and

1:13

led by dairy experts. Find Tillamook

1:15

ice cream near you at tillamook.com. I'm going to spell

1:17

it for you. That's how much I care about this

1:19

product. tillamook.com.

1:33

Take a moment, just a moment to savor

1:35

that morning with Thomas's. You know what I mean? I

1:38

know it can be hard to be mindful

1:40

in the morning. You got to rush here,

1:42

rush there. But Thomas's gives you a breakfast.

1:44

You want to savor together. It brings people

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together Thomas's. Thomas's wide range of products pair

1:48

perfectly for any toppings. Thomas's

1:50

offers crunchy yet soft bagels. Hard to have both.

1:53

English muffins. Ooh, that's what I grew up

1:55

with. Toasty nooks and crannies, splendor and

1:57

sweet and cinnamon swirl bread. Learn

2:02

more about Thomas's at thomasisbreds.com.

2:04

Huzzah! A toast to breakfast. Ha

2:07

ha ha. Ha ha ha. My

2:12

name is Nicole Kidman and I've wanted

2:14

to do a rom-com for so long

2:16

and a long came. A family affair.

2:19

It's a great romantic comedy and it's

2:21

laugh out loud. If you feel like

2:23

I just need to call up and

2:25

watch something that feels very comforting, it's

2:27

the Netflix experience. There's laughter and there's

2:29

joy. That's a family affair. A

2:32

family affair. Starring Nicole Kidman, Zac Efron

2:34

and Joey King. Directed by Richard LaGravonnase,

2:36

Rated PG-13. Sexual content, partial

2:38

nudity and some strong language. Now playing only

2:40

on Netflix. Hi,

2:46

my name is Andy Daly. Jesus, that's loud.

2:49

Ha ha ha. Good God.

2:51

Hi, my name is Andy Daly

2:53

and I feel loud about being

2:55

Conan O'Brien's friend. Wow, incredible. Fall

3:01

is here, hear the yell, back

3:03

to school, ring the bell, brand

3:05

new shoes, walk and lose, climb

3:08

the fence, books and pens. I

3:10

can tell whether we are gonna

3:13

need friends. So

3:16

I can tell whether we are

3:18

gonna need friends. Hey

3:20

there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined

3:22

by my chums with a Z. Sonam

3:25

Obsessian, hey Sonam, how are you? What's

3:27

up? What's up? Sonam

3:29

Obsessian. Sonam Obsessian. And

3:33

Matt, there's no where to put a Z in your name.

3:36

Okay, I guess, but you have to, okay, that's

3:38

fine. Okay, I quit. Please

3:41

don't go. We'll lure him back. I'm back

3:43

with gold. Gold, how's everybody doing?

3:48

Okay, great energy. Great show

3:50

business energy. What terrific energy to start the

3:52

show. We have, usually

3:56

we babble a bit here at the top, the top of the

3:58

show. And

4:00

we have fun, it's a good time, but we can't do as much

4:02

of that today because we have a

4:05

treat coming at the end of the

4:07

podcast. A true treat. It is a true treat. It is.

4:10

I really am looking forward to it. It's something we just

4:12

already recorded, but it takes

4:14

a while. So I'm gonna

4:16

keep things kind of brisk up

4:19

top. Do you know what I'm saying? Keep it moving

4:21

along. Keep it moving along. Keep it

4:23

zipping with a Z. Oh man, you're not

4:25

getting it. I quit again, I quit again, I quit again. The

4:28

words that have an S now have Z,

4:30

that's the whole thing. That's not true. My

4:34

God, I'm trapped in some sort of

4:36

strange hell. It's not a terrible hell,

4:38

but it's not a good one either. Would this

4:40

be your hell? Us just doing an

4:42

intro forever. Doing a plan. For eternity.

4:45

Oh my, it would be my hell. And

4:47

switching out S's with Z's and

4:49

then giggling about it. Yeah, that would be my hell. Anyone

4:52

have some soup? Hey,

4:54

that's not bad. Oh, I

4:56

have some chips, but it only salsa. Glam,

5:01

yeah, this that for eternity. And

5:04

Hitler's getting raped in the next room for

5:07

all eternity. And Hitler's like, I like

5:09

it, it's better over here. The

5:12

whole S's and Z's thing. It

5:14

can hear us. Oh yeah, and he feels

5:16

bad for us. He's

5:19

getting raped repeatedly for all time.

5:22

And he hears us changing

5:25

S's and Z's and giggling.

5:29

And he's like, I sure hate to be,

5:31

I wonder what they did on earth. It

5:34

must've really been bad. Look,

5:36

did I, it got dark. It

5:40

got real dark. How do you mean? It got real

5:42

dark. Oh God, man. It's

5:44

next door. Well,

5:46

I don't know, he's in the next cave. There

5:49

are different caves. It's

5:51

like a big hotel. They built

5:54

hell quickly. And

5:56

sometimes the devil's around

5:58

going, you know, the

6:00

sound. They don't have insulation

6:03

between the rooms? Yeah, and Hitler's

6:05

like, you know, we're

6:07

trying to torture Hitler over here

6:09

and Ted Bundy can hear right

6:11

through the wall. You

6:14

know, we're shooting hot lava down

6:16

Ted Bundy's mouth, but

6:18

he's getting distracted because he hears Hitler getting raped.

6:23

The contractor walking the devil through hell. Hey,

6:25

hey, hey, you know, we had to work

6:28

quickly. You threw this thing together.

6:31

Heaven, they really put a lot of work into

6:33

it. That's quality work. But

6:35

no, no, Satan needed a lot of

6:37

room fast. So this is

6:39

what you get. The devil's just

6:41

putting up with it. All right, all right. Enough

6:45

already, enough. God

6:48

damn it. I asked

6:50

you, do you want it done fast or

6:52

do you want it done right? You said I need it now. We

6:57

have to talk about our guest today because

6:59

we gotta get moving. There's so much

7:01

podcast today and stick around for the end

7:05

because man, I laugh so hard. It's

7:08

so funny. My guest today

7:10

is an actor and comedian. He's one of

7:13

my favorite comedy people. He's a jewel. He

7:15

starred in the Comedy Central series Review and

7:18

he appears as Dalton Wilcox

7:20

in the hilarious podcast Bananas.

7:24

Isn't it Bananas for Bonanza? The podcast is

7:26

called Bonanas. Bonanas for Bonanza. Well, I should

7:28

have fixed that for you guys a while

7:30

ago. Anyway, he's

7:32

also appeared many times on my late

7:35

night shows and he's made

7:37

cameos in just about every funny TV show

7:39

I can imagine truly in the last 10,

7:41

15 years. I'm

7:43

thrilled he's here today. He's a good friend of ours. Andy

7:49

Daly, welcome. Andy

7:56

Daly, one of the funniest people I've encountered in

7:58

my... I'm

8:01

like Johnny Appleseed. I

8:03

don't plant apples. But

8:06

I've grown- That way you're not at all

8:08

like Johnny Appleseed. I'm trying now in the

8:10

second half of my speech to

8:12

figure out how I'm like Johnny Appleseed. I

8:14

have wondered this country looking for funny people.

8:16

You sir are one of the funniest. Wow.

8:19

I love it. Wait a minute. Let me

8:21

put on my glasses and see who I'm talking to.

8:23

Oh no. Oh no, it's that? I thought it was

8:26

the other Andy Daly. You thought it was Andy Dick?

8:28

Yeah, exactly. Did

8:31

Johnny Appleseed wander the country looking for apples? No,

8:34

not looking for apples. He planted apples. So

8:36

I just, I started out with this whole

8:38

wandering the country thing, which I haven't done

8:41

that either. But let's just say,

8:43

take the compliment. That's what I'm going to do.

8:46

Thank you. You're a very funny fellow

8:48

and you are, you're

8:50

ubiquitous. I mean, first of all, I first met

8:52

you. You came on

8:55

the late night show countless times and

8:57

did all kinds of hilarious bits. They

8:59

could be counted. They could be counted.

9:02

A person could count the number of times I was on.

9:04

It's 15. You did something like

9:06

that. No, I don't know. No, you were on as a

9:08

guest of course, but you did so many funny

9:11

bits over the years. And

9:14

I thought, God, this guy is very, he's just money

9:16

in the bank. He's always funny. Then

9:18

I remember

9:20

coming across your monologues

9:23

that had me crying. When

9:25

I say monologues, I don't mean you were up

9:27

there telling jokes, but you get up as a

9:29

character. I forget who made

9:32

me this tape. It might've been tape. It

9:34

wasn't a tape. Someone gave me a wax

9:37

cylinder and it might've been Andy Richter.

9:39

And I listened to them. I was

9:41

driving around in my car and

9:44

I was listening to you and they were so

9:46

funny, dark. Some

9:49

of them quite dark. Very dark, yeah.

9:52

There's one that you did where you

9:54

played, you're a guy who's part of

9:56

like a Up With People group. And

9:58

you show up to the audience lead. And

10:00

then you're supposed to be a motivational speaker

10:04

Who's like up with people and then you tell

10:06

explain why you're late and you know where this

10:08

is going No, and he tells

10:10

the most horrible story of his family being

10:12

run off the road by bikers assaulted

10:17

You get away with your barely with your life

10:19

You don't even know what's happened to your family

10:21

and you get there and you explain all this

10:23

in great detail Then you go well anyway, let's

10:26

get into it He's

10:28

like a sing-along with Mitch guy. Yeah, he's

10:30

there to lead sing-alongs Good

10:33

old-fashioned sing-alongs and then after all that just kind

10:35

of so let's do a sing-along

10:37

and leave the audience Yeah, take me out

10:39

to the ballpark after we've heard the worst

10:41

story. I mean the darkest story. So You're

10:44

just a very funny. You've

10:46

got an amazing comic mind and you're

10:48

also a very nice fellow and Then

10:52

you're one of those guys who I'm sure you

10:54

get this all the time where people go. Wait

10:56

a minute I know you. Yeah, because you've been

10:58

in everything you've been in V. You've been in

11:02

Silicon Valley you've been I mean,

11:04

it's eastbound and down Your

11:07

I've just had this Yesterday

11:10

that somebody was like hey, I know you where do I

11:12

know you from and I was like, I don't know But

11:14

I am an actor it might be always like oh, it

11:16

might be that but what's where do I I was like?

11:18

It's difficult. I can't say the one thing Unfortunately,

11:21

then you're gonna go. Oh, that's where I

11:23

know you from like it could be eastbound and

11:26

down or it could be Silicon Valley like or

11:28

one of 75 other things. Yeah. Yeah, so

11:30

I had to tell him just buddy. I

11:32

am DB me Look

11:36

me up and I have a little card you have

11:42

You came on our Our show

11:45

once the late-night show a bunch

11:47

of years ago and you played this was it

11:49

a game show host Oh, I

11:51

love that. I forget what that character's name was but

11:53

the premise was that he was like On

11:57

the WB lot was locked in a crate.

11:59

Yep and he was a game show host

12:01

from like the 80s or whatever. And he

12:03

had hosted a bunch of different game shows

12:05

and just had all these catch phrases and

12:07

things rattling around in his mind. And he

12:09

had, I think he had had some kind

12:11

of cerebral event. Something

12:14

like that. He was also covered in dust, which was the

12:16

funny. Yeah, and so it was really funny because

12:20

the conceit was we found this crate, we didn't

12:22

know, and it was in like a storage section

12:24

of the Warner Brothers lot where we were doing

12:26

our show at the time. And we popped it

12:29

open and you come right out with one of

12:31

those long thin microphones. Right. And

12:33

you're like, all right, our next contestant.

12:35

And you're covered in dust, Gene Rayburn

12:37

Special. Read Newport. Read

12:39

Newport was his name. I wish I could

12:41

remember the, you know, it was like, who's

12:43

ready for a bing bong zinger? You

12:46

know, just all these kinds of things like, oh, of

12:48

the variety of big bucks, no whammies. Like, but

12:51

not that. Yeah, and then we end up putting

12:53

you back into the box where you

12:55

were sealed up. And it's one

12:57

of those, I love those conceits where I think, well,

12:59

that guy can be, that box can be unopened at

13:01

any time. I love to just

13:03

dream that, what's his name again? Read.

13:06

Read Newport. Read Newport, what a great name

13:08

for us. Yes. So

13:11

this is an opportunity for me to

13:13

find out what's wrong with you. Oh.

13:15

That's basically where I wanna

13:18

begin. Take us back to

13:20

Andy Daly as a child. I

13:22

don't see you tossing the

13:25

old football around.

13:27

What do you mean? By

13:31

football. Were

13:38

you, what was, I mean, I'm

13:40

guessing, you seem to me like you were

13:42

a, maybe someone who

13:44

had the sponge period where you're just

13:46

absorbing. Oh yeah. What do you,

13:48

are you listening, watching TV? Is it TV? Are

13:50

you a TV fanatic? Yes, the TV was always

13:52

on in my house. I can remember my father

13:54

making the argument to my mother and

13:56

he had the numbers for how much electricity the TV

13:59

uses as a product. as opposed to the dining room

14:01

lights. Like,

14:03

we're not using any electricity by having the TV on

14:05

all the time. Like, that was his argument. He

14:07

just liked to have the TV on all the time. So

14:10

I thought you were gonna say you've been watching too

14:12

much TV. So his argument was that you shouldn't be

14:15

watching TV, but this was pro TV. He had thought

14:17

it through, like why it made sense to always have

14:19

the TV on. Wow, what a time to be alive.

14:21

I never got that. No, no, I

14:23

didn't either. My father prohibited TV during, if there

14:25

was school the next day, no TV

14:27

could be watched during the day. So we

14:29

of course were like, well, that shit's not happening. So

14:32

my brothers and I would watch TV and then we

14:34

would hear my dad's station wagon, which was a 1970

14:36

Pontiac, yellow pull up. And

14:40

because of some defect in the car, it made a

14:43

weird whistling sound. And we'd hear the, and

14:46

we'd be like, no. And we'd

14:48

turn off the TV and everyone would grab a book.

14:51

And usually it was upside down. And

14:54

my dad would come into the house and the first thing he'd

14:56

do is he'd rush to the TV and

14:58

put his hand on the screen. And

15:01

if it was slightly warm, or if he

15:03

got a little static shock, he was like,

15:05

get to the desk! So, stay

15:07

on! So,

15:09

stay on! And we

15:11

would all go scampering around with our upside

15:14

down books. So

15:16

you don't grab a book, grab the ice tray

15:18

and just apply ice all around the TV. Pull

15:20

it off. It's gotta be a way to cool it

15:23

off. So anyway, I love

15:25

that your dad was pro TV. Super pro TV,

15:27

yeah. We used to watch

15:29

Aben and Costello movies every Sunday and I

15:31

would watch it, Sesame Street, which is hilarious,

15:33

Burton and Ernie are hilarious, and Grover. And

15:36

yes, I think I did watch things as a student

15:39

of comedy. The way that I see my 12 year

15:41

old watch those things as a student of comedy too,

15:43

just kind of like figuring out why is that funny?

15:45

And what if I do that to my brother? Yeah,

15:47

like that. And also,

15:49

there's so much great comedy timing

15:52

you can learn from, like

15:54

you say, Sesame Streets, Muppets. The

15:56

timing is really good. For me, it was

15:58

Warner Brothers cartoons. Yeah, it was. and

16:01

just figuring out the timing

16:03

and different voices. It

16:05

is crazy that in the 70s when you would

16:07

watch an hour of Looney Tunes

16:10

cartoons, so many of them were about

16:12

war bonds. Yeah. They're all

16:14

made in the 40s. Yeah. Inside

16:16

jokes were a guy who, I

16:19

don't know, looks like Eddie Cantor would come in and you'd

16:22

be like, what's an Eddie Cantor?

16:24

Yeah. The chicken that

16:26

looked like Bing Crosby. Yeah. You

16:29

needed an adult nearby to go, let me

16:31

explain. But I too was, I was watching a lot of those and they

16:33

were made in the 40s, and then I go to my parents and go,

16:36

so we got to stop Hitler, huh? Son,

16:40

we took care of that. Oh, all

16:42

right. Great. Did he

16:45

apologize? No, no. He

16:47

shot himself. Oh, why

16:49

are we talking about this? I'm seven. But

16:57

now it's so funny, clearly

16:59

you absorbed all this stuff and just,

17:02

where were you growing up by the way? New Jersey.

17:04

Okay, let's not brag. No, no, no. I mean, it's

17:07

one of the most populous states in the nation, as a

17:09

matter of fact, Conan. Really? That's all I could say to

17:11

brag about New Jersey. But it's so small, how could it

17:13

be? By volume.

17:15

Oh. You know what I mean? What? For how

17:17

big it is, there's a lot of people in

17:19

there. It's got more people per square mile than

17:22

any other state in the union. Oh, so it's just

17:24

crowded. It's a crowded state. It's densely populated state. Yeah,

17:26

people, you have to step outside to change your mind.

17:28

You know what I'm saying? Oh, I

17:30

mean, I don't know. Yeah. I

17:32

guess I'm a way to... And 90% of it is

17:34

pine barons, which nobody lives in. Yeah.

17:37

So how is that possible? Oh, it's because there's bodies

17:39

in there. That's what it is. Yeah, it's the bodies

17:41

in the pine barons. That's

17:44

something you don't mention a lot in the New

17:46

Jersey tourist bureau. What's that? All the bodies in

17:48

the pine barons? Yeah. Yeah,

17:53

that's true. It doesn't come up. Come to

17:55

the pine barons. You won't not find a

17:57

body. Wait, what? You

18:00

described, I think once, that as

18:03

a kid you saw a production of Peter

18:05

Pan that kind of changed your life because

18:07

there was a moment in

18:09

the production of Peter Pan that

18:12

sort of grabbed you. Tell

18:15

me about that. This was the Peter Pan with Sandy

18:17

Duncan in the 70s. It was on

18:19

Broadway and she would fly out over the audience. And

18:22

Captain Hook was played by James Hewitt,

18:24

who was Mr. Belvedere. Oh, you might

18:26

remember. Christopher Hewitt. Christopher. Yeah, thank you.

18:28

How does he know everything? Trust

18:31

me. All he does is go

18:33

home with his flashcards. And

18:36

it's true. Yeah. It's like WKRP. Jordan

18:38

jump. Can

18:41

I just say that when that came up

18:43

right now, every alarm in my

18:45

head went off and said, don't do it.

18:47

Don't do it. It doesn't matter. It's close

18:49

enough. I know. But he had his, Captain

18:53

Hook and Smee had a scene in front of the curtain.

18:56

There must have been a scene change going on. And they're

18:58

talking and he just says, I'm

19:00

going to get that Peter Pan. And a

19:02

boy in the audience said, no, you're not.

19:05

And he said, oh, yes, I will. And

19:07

the place just went nuts. And that's like

19:09

the improv. Yes, exactly. But

19:11

it's just one thing. It's like such

19:14

a minor example of improv, but it

19:16

just was so electrifying, so exciting. He

19:18

went off script and he responded to

19:20

a child. So yeah, that's

19:23

the only thing about the show. I really remember. You're

19:25

editing the rest of it where he goes like, oh,

19:27

yes, I will. And the kid goes, fuck you. Fuck

19:29

me? Fuck you. You

19:35

can't say fuck me. I'm

19:37

a little boy with one leg. One

19:40

leg, eh? We'll have no legs soon. You

19:43

little fucking piece of shit. Hold

19:46

me back, Smee. Hold me back.

19:49

Tonight's production of

19:51

Peter Pan. Fuck you with

19:53

a steel hook. Tonight's

19:56

production of Peter Pan will be cut short.

20:00

tickets will be refunded in the audience. How do they

20:02

fucking vote? This is

20:04

gold! Soon I'll be Mr.

20:06

Belvedere! And you can all suck my

20:08

dick! Jesus

20:14

Christ! I'm replacing

20:17

Hervey Villages on Fantasy Island,

20:19

you dickwads! The

20:23

little kid's like, I just want to go home!

20:26

This is awful! I

20:29

could definitely see how that would be a moment where

20:32

you would see it and go, what is this? That's

20:34

so cool. I

20:36

remember, I'm an older gentleman than

20:38

you, and when I graduated college in

20:40

1985, I desperately wanted

20:43

to do improv. And the only place I thought

20:45

you could do improv in the United States was

20:48

in Chicago. Yeah, Second City

20:50

or ImprovOlympic? All I knew about was

20:52

Second City, so I wrote a letter

20:55

to Second City. I did that too!

20:57

And it was like, dear sirs! Or

21:00

madam, I wish to do this improv. My

21:05

name is Conan O'Brien, I just completed my

21:08

Communic Studies at the Lampoon, and I

21:10

think I've done some performing, I would

21:12

like to join you. Of

21:14

course, that's not how you do it. I

21:17

just got a form letter back saying, go

21:19

away. But

21:23

also I couldn't go to Chicago because I got

21:25

a gig in LA, so I went to LA

21:28

and eventually found, it

21:30

didn't take too long, but I found Improv there, which was the

21:33

Groundlings Theater. But years later, the

21:35

Upright Citizens Brigade, I guess started

21:37

in Chicago, UCD? And

21:41

then came to New

21:44

York, and all

21:46

these brilliant people suddenly,

21:48

and we were the benefactors when

21:51

I say we, I mean the people that worked

21:53

with me on the late night show, we were

21:55

the benefactors because all these incredible performers showed up

21:58

who had amazing chops. And I

22:01

actually kind of preferred their style of improv.

22:03

I thought it was really

22:05

pure and great. And I know that you were

22:07

part of that whole situation. Yeah, well, can I

22:09

just say, my letter to Second City was so

22:11

embarrassing because I had just graduated from college and

22:14

I had read in Wired, the book about John

22:16

Belushi that he did an impression of Mayor Daley

22:19

that was so popular that the audience would chant,

22:21

Daley, Daley. And so I made some mention in

22:23

my letter to, perhaps one day the audience will

22:25

be chanting that again. Oh,

22:28

that's sweet. And

22:30

so you immediately got a job based on that quip. But

22:33

I did get it. My form letter said, well,

22:35

we have our annual audition coming up, you come

22:37

up here. And I somehow interpreted that as like

22:39

a really, like a personal invitation to come up

22:41

and audition. All the indications were there that it

22:44

was not. But I did, I

22:46

scheduled an audition and I had no

22:48

idea what was like, people, everybody

22:50

else auditioning had been through the classes and

22:52

had auditioned before and was steeped in this

22:54

world that I just showed up like, I'm

22:56

here to get a job. Yeah, did not

22:58

go well. You had a suitcase

23:00

with lots of stickers. St. Louis. Exactly.

23:05

But no, they suggested that I should take classes, but

23:07

I was living in New York and I stayed in

23:09

New York. And then yeah, it felt like Chicago came

23:11

to me in 1996. UCB

23:13

showed up and what an amazing group

23:16

of people. And we were

23:18

fortunate, I've mentioned this before, but Amy Poehler was

23:20

with UCB. And so we cast her

23:22

as Andy's little sister who

23:25

had a crush on me. And she has like

23:27

a big retainer headgear. I was in a bit

23:29

of one of those bits as her boyfriend. That's

23:31

right. So tell me how that worked because her

23:33

thing was always that she was pining for me

23:36

and she would stand up and interrupt the show.

23:38

And then Andy would always have to break

23:40

it to her that this

23:42

isn't appropriate or something. And she would suddenly

23:45

turn. And God,

23:47

I mean, I remember

23:50

Amy Poehler could take, we thought gave her

23:52

good scripts and she could take whatever we

23:54

gave her. So let's say we

23:56

gave her a solid B or B plus script. She would turn it

23:58

into an A plus plus plus plus plus. Yeah. But

24:00

she would turn and she would summon the devils

24:04

from the deepest bowels of hell

24:06

to rain down upon

24:08

us. Well, the amazing thing about those

24:10

bits too is when you do a Conan

24:12

bit in those days, if

24:15

you were on the stage, you could have cue cards. But

24:17

if you were an audience plant, there weren't

24:19

cue cards because they didn't want the studio audience

24:21

to get ahead and read with you.

24:24

So you had to memorize it,

24:26

which is unreasonable. But

24:29

so Amy had those speeches,

24:32

completely memorized and committed to them, like

24:34

110%. And

24:37

that was very instructive and inspiring to me

24:39

to watch that because I had comparatively very

24:41

little to say, but just the incredible things

24:43

that she was doing. But so

24:46

that bit was like she

24:48

brought along her boyfriend to try to make you

24:50

jealous. Yes, that's right. And then when it didn't

24:52

work, she just throws me under the

24:54

bus completely. It

24:56

goes into her angry tirade. And

25:25

I'm like, I'm really casual with something relaxed like a jogger. The

25:28

ABC pants is super versatile. You can

25:30

wear them to work, driving, hiking on a date or on the couch while you're listening

25:32

to this podcast. There's really

25:34

no occasion you can't wear the ABCs, especially because they

25:36

give you the freedom of all day movement. And you

25:38

know, I like to move. Regardless

25:41

of the cut or fit, the ABC pants looks good,

25:43

which means you feel good. They're

25:45

breathable and they don't constrict anywhere. Hello.

25:50

They're roomy in all the right places,

25:52

fellas. And I need

25:54

some extra room down there. The

25:56

ABC pants really in a league of its own. And

25:59

you know what I'll say about Lou? Lululemon for you is that

26:01

you have weirdly long legs and they

26:04

actually have pants that fit your legs.

26:06

Yeah, they call them the Conan's. I

26:09

have very long legs, but when I go, I

26:11

used to have to go to a circus to

26:13

have them make me my pants. The

26:16

guy who made the pants for the stilts guy, but now

26:19

I can go to Lululemon. So

26:22

get yourself a pair by visiting lululemon.com.

26:25

Run! Don't walk. I

26:29

gotta say, Lux Bade is back and

26:33

it's coming for your backside. Oh my God.

26:35

Oh wow. You know what, they're

26:37

trying to get me. I'm looking at this copy,

26:39

they're trying to get me. Say goodbye to the days

26:41

of feeling like you're trying to clean

26:44

a Jackson Pollock painting with

26:46

only one ply dinner napkins. No. No,

26:49

they're doing a Jackson Pollock painting. No. No,

26:52

they're doing a Jackson Pollock painting. No. They're

26:55

doing dinner napkins. No. No, they're

26:57

doing this on purpose. Oh wow. I'm onto

27:00

them. It's time to upgrade

27:02

to Lux Bade, the Cadillac of cleanliness.

27:04

Okay. I wonder how Cadillac feels about

27:06

this ad. No.

27:08

Lux Bade attaches to your toilet in minutes, elevating

27:11

personal hygiene and creating a better bathroom

27:13

experience. They elevate, it's basically like having

27:15

a personal. Oh, come on. Conan, don't

27:17

say it. I'm going to say

27:19

it. It says right here,

27:22

it's basically having a personal ass-istant.

27:24

No. Good God. You

27:26

can't come back from what you just did. Yeah,

27:28

you can. The bar is so low in America.

27:32

Someone who will spritz, spray and sprinkle

27:34

it. You're my assistant. No. And

27:36

they just did a word play on ass-istant. I

27:39

know, I know. But I never in a million

27:41

years ever asked you to hose

27:43

off my backside, ever. I

27:45

feel personally attacked by whatever's happening right now. Lux

27:48

Bade is the number one best-selling Bade in the US.

27:51

Congrats, guys. Happy

27:53

to be servicing millions of butts nationwide.

27:56

No, no, you know what? When they

27:58

got me last time. I

28:00

didn't know it was happening, but this time they're trying. Yeah,

28:02

I know. They're trying to get me. Make

28:04

sure to check out luxedpaday.com to

28:06

see their NEO Plus series featuring

28:09

super fast slide-in installation. All right.

28:11

Easy lift technology. Wait, it puts

28:13

you on the toilet? No,

28:16

I think the lift is the toilet seat. Oh,

28:18

the toilet seat, okay. No, you physically. Check

28:22

this, tech control dual wash

28:24

modes. Yeah, that's good. Here's my favorite

28:26

part, in a 360 degrees self-clean mode, which

28:30

means, well, again, we discussed this last

28:32

time, either the hose is spinning or

28:34

you're spinning. Hey,

28:36

you know what would be great if the

28:39

hose was spinning clockwise, but it's move the

28:41

seat so you're going counterclockwise. And you're like,

28:43

whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop,

28:46

whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop,

28:48

whoop, whoop. People may laugh when they first hear

28:50

about bidets, but they'll thank you once they start

28:52

using them. And that's something that says here in

28:54

the copy. And I've had many

28:56

people, just because of the

28:59

last Lux bidet ad that I did,

29:01

they said, I laughed, then I

29:03

got one. I got a Lux bidet and they

29:05

say, Conan, thank you. And they

29:07

always do this. They press a $20 bill into my hand.

29:10

Oh, they like tip you? They tip

29:12

me. So what the hell? Just

29:14

say no to butt crumb. Well, you

29:17

don't have to read every thing. Look

29:20

at this, call to action,

29:22

required verbatim. Oh, you're right, you're right.

29:24

And that's really, that's not cool. Why

29:26

don't you say it once? It's your podcast.

29:28

Just say it. Just say it. It's

29:30

your podcast. What should you say no to, Sona? Butt

29:33

crumb. Thank you. Get

29:36

clean today by using code, oh, this isn't this

29:38

nice. This is the name my parents gave me

29:40

the day I was born. My Christian christening

29:42

name. Hey, you

29:44

wanna get your ass clean? Use code Conan to

29:48

get 20% off at luxbidet.com.

29:51

That's code Conan at l-u-x-e-b-i-d-e-t.com.

29:56

Your ass will thank you. Can

29:58

I just say something to the luxbidet? copywriters, I'll

30:01

find you and I'll get you, because

30:03

I know what you're doing. Lux

30:06

Bide, the better way to

30:08

go. You

30:19

know, I want to call out the biggest villain I

30:21

know. You know, I'm very particular about the pens that

30:23

I use. Yes. Well,

30:25

people love to take them. And

30:27

then I'll see like Mike Sweeney, our head

30:30

writer, producer, I'll see him later on. He's got

30:32

like nine of them in his pocket. Mike, those

30:34

are mine. And he's like, whoa, I

30:36

think they're mine. That

30:39

does make him a villain. Yeah, terrible guy.

30:42

Well, I want to say to Mike Sweeney, how do you sleep

30:44

at night? Yeah. That's what I want

30:46

to say to him. But I already know the answer he'd

30:48

probably give me. Mattress firm.

30:51

Yeah. Because Sweeney loves mattress firm. Mattress firm

30:54

will find you the right bed with their

30:56

wide selection of quality mattresses at every price.

30:58

Yes, even those who don't deserve to rest,

31:00

like Mike Sweeney, my head writer who steals

31:02

those pens, can get the bed that will

31:04

make it happen from mattress firm.

31:06

See a lower price at another retailer. Oh,

31:08

do you? Yeah. Well,

31:11

mattress firm will match it up to 120 nights with their

31:14

low price guarantee. Restrictions apply.

31:16

See mattressfirm.com or store for

31:18

details. And

31:20

text Conan to 766693 for an

31:22

extra 20% off your

31:24

next purchase at mattress firm. I'll be waiting

31:27

for that text. Exclusions

31:29

apply. So

31:40

we also benefited by having you and then

31:42

you, I think you did on my last

31:45

late night show, which is three years ago

31:47

today. I don't know when this airs. Really?

31:50

Actually, this isn't ever going to air. Oh. No,

31:52

no, this is just, you got a very bad

31:54

diagnosis. This is to

31:56

cheer me up. This is like a make a wish thing.

31:58

Yeah. And even you're not aware. that you're ill.

32:00

But that would be a better way to

32:03

do it. Yeah, no, your wife just asked,

32:05

you know. So anyway, you

32:07

came on and you did something, I think though, on

32:09

the last show. Yeah. And

32:12

I remember just stopping you. I

32:14

wouldn't let you leave. I was like, ladies and gentlemen,

32:16

this guy Andy Daly is the funniest person walking

32:19

the earth and. Yes, and

32:22

I was as uncomfortable then as I am now.

32:25

I don't really mean it. Oh, that's

32:27

helpful. Yeah, I said that

32:30

to everyone. Okay. We just said J-Lo

32:32

here. I said, you're the funniest person

32:34

to ever walk the earth. She

32:37

just glared at me angrily. So

32:41

you do improv and

32:43

somewhere along the line, you got this

32:46

conviction because when I listened to your monologues and

32:48

you tell these stories, you did another one as

32:50

a leprechaun. Did you want as a

32:52

leprechaun? Well, it's an Irish

32:54

storyteller. He tells stories about leprechauns.

32:56

He tells stories about leprechauns and

32:59

God, it's so dark, but you just go

33:01

into it with such full commitment and

33:04

you never wink, you never break

33:09

and it's just a testament to

33:11

your just conviction that

33:13

this is what I'm doing. And

33:16

it is 100% right. And

33:19

anyone who disagrees can leave.

33:22

I just, I don't know, I love that. I think

33:24

that's the way you have to go. Yeah, I

33:26

always felt annoyed when the host of the show after

33:28

I left will go, Andy Daly, ladies and gentlemen.

33:30

I was like, no, leave them thinking it's patio hernihi.

33:34

So what was the gag with patio herlihi?

33:36

I remember it was really funny. He's an

33:38

Irish storyteller who talks about leprechauns, but he

33:40

gets sidetracked, doesn't he? I've changed it, but

33:42

I think the one on the album

33:44

is that he's won a Blarney contest.

33:47

So this is like, whoever can tell

33:49

the most fantastical stories about leprechauns and

33:51

harpies and whatever wins the Blarney contest

33:53

and he's a wonderful storyteller. And so

33:56

he tells the audience what his story,

33:58

it's something like I should. I showed

34:00

up for Christmas lunch and I was full and

34:02

I couldn't eat a bite. And somebody said, Patty,

34:04

why are you showing up for Christmas lunch and

34:06

you can't eat a bite? And I told it.

34:08

And then he weaves a whole story about leprechauns

34:10

or whatever. And then he says, now, but what

34:12

really happened was. And then he tells what really

34:15

happened, which is like, well, there was

34:17

a I'm a landlord and this this woman didn't pay

34:19

her rent for the longest time. And I said, you

34:21

got to pay that fucking rent. And she says, no,

34:23

I don't have it. I don't have it. And I

34:25

says, well, you know what I'll do then? I'm going

34:27

to kill your cat and put it in a stew

34:29

and eat that. Right in front of you. And that's

34:31

what I did. I either catch and

34:34

then I never him like he does a transitional thing

34:36

where he goes like, so I don't know what it

34:38

is, like the equivalent of so anyway. I

34:41

forget what it was, but it was really funny. Yeah.

34:43

Like a win. Right.

34:47

Every story begins. Well, it seems

34:49

one day. Something like that. Yeah,

34:51

really hilarious. How

34:54

do people get, though? How can you

34:56

hear all those monologues? Are they available? Well,

34:59

they're all collected on an album called Nine

35:01

Sweaters. And that, I think, is on your

35:03

streaming things. Yeah, like you can find it

35:06

on your Spotify. Find it. If

35:08

you really want to laugh, these

35:10

are such great monologues. They're so funny.

35:12

Nine Sweaters. Yeah, find

35:15

that. I'm going to re listen

35:17

to it because I'm always I think about

35:19

them every now and then I realize that I got it.

35:21

No, I don't have it right. I have to listen to them again. And.

35:27

That's it. Goodbye. I'd like you to memorize them. I'm

35:31

going to memorize them. Yeah. You

35:33

guys had to memorize stuff for me all

35:35

those years. Yeah, exactly. I had two cards.

35:37

Yeah, right. You never ventured into the audience.

35:42

Those awful people. I'm

35:45

not going to go in there. Every

35:47

now and then people say, Kona, why don't you drift

35:49

into the audience and talk to them? The

35:52

filthy weirdos who come to this show.

35:56

Who would come to this show? They didn't have

35:58

to. for

36:00

free sandwiches, I suppose. Um,

36:04

so, uh, I know you

36:06

guys work together. You and Mr. Matt Gorley

36:08

work together on many projects. Uh, you

36:10

guys do a, uh, what is it,

36:12

bananas for Bonanza? That's right, yeah. Mm-hmm.

36:15

Which is, uh, basically, and you get

36:17

to play a character you played on

36:19

my show several times, Dalton Wilcox. Yes. Who's kind

36:21

of a poet of the West. Yeah, well, he's

36:23

the poet laureate of the West, as a matter

36:25

of fact. The cowboy

36:28

poet. And he's a big fan of Bonanza.

36:31

And, uh, yeah, it's a rewatch, it's

36:33

like a rewatch show of Bonanza. Yeah. Except

36:36

that I, Andy Daly, have no particular interest

36:38

in Bonanza. Right. But, uh,

36:40

the character of Dalton Wilcox really does. So

36:42

I'm in this bizarre position in life where

36:44

now I do a podcast about Bonanza because

36:46

a character I play would. You

36:48

know what I mean? Oh. Yeah. So

36:51

now we are watching every episode. You guys watch every episode.

36:53

And there are 431 episodes of Bonanza. There's

36:56

only 431, unfortunately. I know,

36:58

it's too bad. And we've only

37:00

got 300-some left? Uh, yeah, we're

37:02

about to do number 61. So

37:04

we're racing through them. Dark days.

37:07

Yeah. So, uh, couple of

37:09

questions. Has Adam left the show yet? No. Oh,

37:12

no. Purnell Roberts, he's still in the show. He's

37:14

still in. He doesn't leave till after season five. We did skip

37:16

ahead to one episode where Haas has a run-in with

37:19

a bunch of leprechauns. That's true.

37:21

We did. The, uh, you

37:23

know what's so funny? I know

37:26

a lot about the show Bonanza because my brother Neil, uh,

37:29

who is a TV aficionado, especially of the 50s,

37:31

60s, and early 70s, his go-to is

37:34

Bonanza. He's watched them all. Wow. He's

37:37

watched many of them several times. Um, and as a result,

37:40

because, you know, I, he's my brother. I

37:43

love my brother. I go hang with him. And I end

37:45

up watching Bonanza too. The

37:48

tone shift on that show from episode to

37:50

episode is insane. We

37:52

have a theory about that, that for a long

37:54

time they were just collecting unaired pilots and tailoring

37:56

them to Bonanza because often a lot of the

37:58

characters. aren't even in it.

38:00

They'll just be two brothers and a

38:03

father. Well, it's so funny though. It's like

38:05

you'll watch an episode and it's

38:07

really dark. It's like an

38:10

old Confederate general who won't accept that the

38:12

Civil War is over, comes to town and

38:14

he captures

38:18

little Joe and whips him and

38:21

keeps him in a cave and is going to

38:23

kill him. And the other family

38:25

members get him out just in time

38:28

and it's harrowing and they end up

38:30

beating the guy to death who has tried to whip

38:32

little Joe. And it ends and you're like, oh my

38:34

God, that was rough. And then my brother Neil would say like,

38:36

let's watch the next one. And they're like, all right. And it's

38:38

like little Joe and Haas,

38:41

they buy a donkey. And

38:44

they buy a donkey because they

38:46

think a donkey can

38:48

be in a race. And their dad's like,

38:50

you bought a donkey and there's comics things

38:52

like music

38:54

throughout one of those comic. And then they'll cut

38:57

to the donkey and and

39:01

it's all very silly. And you're like, oh my God.

39:03

Okay. And then you watch the next one. Adam's

39:06

been kidnapped. They're

39:08

cutting him with knives and sending pieces

39:11

of him to the Bonanza

39:13

family and telling them, you're not going to see

39:15

him again. And it's just like

39:17

in the end, they find the guy who's cutting

39:19

off pieces of Adam and they beat him to

39:21

death. And then the next

39:24

episode, then the next episode, chickens Paul.

39:29

What did you, what are you two idiots done

39:31

now? Paul, we bought an ostrich that can read

39:33

minds. I

39:38

got to be on this podcast. Oh, you

39:40

should. You absolutely must. I definitely want to

39:42

be on it. It's, I'm obsessed with Bonanza.

39:44

Strangely enough, Robert Altman directed eight or nine

39:46

episodes of Bonanza. And so Pat Noswold has

39:48

been our guest for every one of those.

39:50

He has choice. That was his choice. And

39:52

I'd like to come on and discuss every

39:55

Robert Altman directed episode of Bonanza. You should

39:57

tell them about our quest to buy a

39:59

Bonanza steak. Oh,

40:01

yeah. Well, so there are no

40:03

bonanza or ponderosa steakhouses. Any

40:05

more? No, but there are none west of, like,

40:07

Missouri or something like that. And there's only a

40:10

few in the Northeast. But there's a

40:12

bunch internationally, strangely. Like in Dubai

40:14

or something. And what's really weird is there

40:16

are four on Staten Island. And

40:19

it's each corner of

40:21

an intersection. They

40:23

had a hard time in COVID, to be fair, because it's

40:25

mostly salad bar. And nobody was in the mood for that.

40:27

Yeah. Snees cart didn't seem

40:29

like enough. And old people. And mostly old people.

40:31

But so we decided we were going to try

40:33

to open one. And we called the guy at

40:36

Fat Brands, which is like the fast food consortium

40:38

that owns both of those brands. And,

40:40

yeah, we were completely rejected. Well, we

40:42

called him in character. We did call

40:44

him in character. Oh, well, okay. I

40:46

sense a problem here. You

40:48

called in. So do the phone call. He's

40:51

like, hello, is this fellow from Fat Brands?

40:53

My name is Dalton Wilcox. Who? But

40:56

Dalton Wilcox. I'm a poet laureate of the West. And

40:59

I'm a true American cowboy of the West. Okay, I

41:01

don't want to do this, sir. Well, hang on. Just

41:04

a second. Before you hang up, I just want

41:06

to talk to you about open to Ponderosa Bonanza

41:08

Statecast. We've got an abandoned Pier 1 import. No,

41:10

sir. And we're

41:12

in there anyway, most days. Sir. No,

41:16

please. Now, we'd

41:18

keep the bead curtains. I

41:22

love that. I love that. I just... He

41:24

didn't fall for it for one second. It is true. He

41:27

was like, well, you're clearly media. And

41:30

let me refer you to our media person. He

41:32

said, you're clearly doing an improv-based

41:34

character. My guess

41:36

is you've had Second City, but I'm going to say

41:38

UCB training. This

41:41

is probably for an audio medium, probably

41:43

a podcast. You

41:45

also probably work as an actor on the

41:48

side. Yeah, I'm not interested. We

41:50

also, I think we stupidly asked him if he

41:52

would consent to being recorded or something like that. So

41:54

right from that point, he was like, No. But

41:57

we did use the transcript and had a... voice

42:00

reenactor replay it on the podcast. So you

42:02

can listen on the Patreon, I believe. Right.

42:05

Yes, but that implies that we did record him even after he

42:07

said no. Oh, no, we didn't. We just did it by memory.

42:09

But we did not do. We typed up the transcript for memory.

42:11

Legally, we did it by memory. Good save, says the lawyer. You

42:16

have a dream to open up a

42:18

business called Not a

42:20

Problem. I'm so glad you mentioned this. And

42:22

it's KNOT a problem, not a problem. Tell

42:27

us about this store. So one thing I really

42:29

enjoy doing around the house is

42:31

untangling things, headphones, marionette strings. What?

42:36

Which do you have more of? Headphones

42:38

or marionette strings? It's mostly marionette strings. And you

42:40

know what? When you're working your marionette and you're

42:42

using your headphones at the same time, it's a

42:44

fucking mess. Forget it. And if

42:46

the marionette has headphones, don't even get me started. Yeah. Sometimes

42:49

members of my family will wash clothes and

42:52

they won't realize that they've got headphones and marionettes

42:54

in their pockets. And so when that comes out of the dryer, that's

42:56

my day. To keep you on track,

42:58

the business you want to open is called Not a Problem.

43:00

I'm entirely on track. You know what I'm doing right now?

43:03

I'm untangling this conversation. I've not left the

43:05

topic at all. So yes, I would like

43:08

to open a store where people bring in

43:10

their difficult to untangle things. And

43:13

I'll just sit there and I'll untangle things.

43:17

And I'll just sit there and I'll get a little bit of a

43:23

I'll untangle it for them while they wait. I'll do it while

43:25

you wait. And it's

43:27

a pay what you think is right

43:29

kind of situation. What are we bringing

43:31

this year? Nothing. Wow.

43:36

I mean, okay. Well, good for

43:38

you. I think my busy season will be Christmas time.

43:41

People bring out the lights, you know, the Christmas tree lights.

43:43

That's going to be a huge. Are you,

43:46

is this something you really are good at? I

43:48

think I am good at it. Yes. I

43:51

am. I'm good at detangling things. Yeah. Like

43:54

jewelry. Jewelry is a

43:56

tough one. I'm not sure about jewelry. Okay. I

43:59

have tried. and the result is broken

44:01

jewelry. But maybe you would

44:03

just make it clear. My wife sometimes has like tangled

44:05

jewelry and I say, I'll do it and I take

44:07

it to the garage and I use a wire cutter

44:09

to cut it all apart. Oh. And

44:12

then I crudely tape it back together. And

44:15

when she's the least bit upset, I say, you

44:17

asked for my help! And I

44:19

did it! This the fucking

44:21

tanks I get? And

44:24

then I drink. Yeah. Yeah.

44:27

Kind of works. As long as, yeah, so

44:29

I might put up an advisory, like a

44:31

sign that says, I'm happy to try your

44:33

jewelry, the result will be broken jewelry, and

44:36

I'll be drunk. Something

44:38

like that. And angry at you. Now,

44:42

does your mind ever quiet down? I'm

44:44

trying to think of Andy Daley at

44:46

night trying to go to sleep. Are

44:48

there characters bouncing around in your head?

44:52

Are you able to quiet that mind of

44:54

yours? Yeah,

44:57

I do get to sleep eventually. Most nights. Yeah,

45:00

I listen to something boring. Like this

45:02

bodkin. Okay. That's just... That's

45:06

a sick burn. That's

45:08

a terrible thing to say. No, I'm only teasing. No,

45:10

no, no. That came from the heart. The BBC World

45:12

News is what I listen to to get to sleep.

45:14

I have to listen to that. And

45:17

then I absorb bad news from around the world.

45:19

Yeah, that doesn't give you bad dreams or bad

45:22

vibes. It does sometimes. But they say it in

45:24

that clipped British way that's very calming. Yeah, exactly.

45:26

You know, a heat dome across the globe, destroying

45:29

all humankind. And you're like, oh, killed.

45:32

Total Armageddon. Good night.

45:35

Good night. And

45:37

they leave you with a light story,

45:40

usually. Oh, do you say? Yeah, about

45:42

a chimney sweep that got rescued. It's

45:45

been stuck there for 11 years. Four

45:47

gobstoppers found at the tomb. The

45:51

bones of a chimney sweep were found.

45:53

Another unfortunate accident that they really wonk

45:55

a factory. You

45:59

know, that's just good. tells his story

46:01

exclusively. Has anyone ever done a thing

46:03

where OSHA visits the Woody Wonka factory?

46:06

I always felt like that would be it. It

46:08

just seems to be like that. I mean, I

46:11

don't know if someone's done that sketch, but just

46:13

OSHA walking around going, this chocolate river? I know

46:15

that'll work. There's no fencing. Yeah. There's

46:17

no barricade. Well, the idea that the

46:20

chocolate river is perfectly sanitary unless someone

46:22

falls into it. That's not, that can't

46:24

be. It's an open air chocolate

46:27

river. Right. And also

46:29

when a kid falls in it, they panic and

46:31

wet themselves. Right. That goes into the

46:33

chocolate. Well, they do. And who knows what the Oompa

46:35

Loompa are doing in that thing after hours? Oh yeah,

46:37

good point. What? No. They

46:39

live there on premises. Don't sully the name of

46:42

the Oompa Loompa. Well, there's a lot of them.

46:44

They clearly, you know. What, like, orgy? Well,

46:46

I'm just saying it's possible. You know, there's a

46:48

lot of sugar around, which is. Don't be a

46:51

greedy little boy and go to the chocolate fountain.

46:53

It would have been fine if he wasn't such

46:55

a like. But here's the thing. Look

46:58

at, I'm talking about the Gene Wilder move. Yeah.

47:01

I haven't seen the Johnny Depp one, but go look at, and I know there's another

47:03

one too. Oh yeah. Timothy

47:05

Shallamy. Timothy Shallamy. My

47:07

reference is the Gene Wilder. And just

47:10

look, bridges with, there's all kinds of

47:13

hazards left and right. You go

47:15

into rooms, there's gobstoppers on tables.

47:17

Kids are swallowing things. It's a

47:19

lawsuit left and right. I mean,

47:21

that's a- I mean, that's experimental

47:23

candy. Yeah. Yeah. I

47:25

know. Yeah. No, they

47:27

also atomize people in, you know, something

47:30

happens though. Okay. We do that here.

47:33

We've had several kids atomized here, you

47:36

know, disappear. Walk out with a child in your pocket.

47:42

Little T.V. Tom. Yeah, like T.V. Like T.V.

47:45

Christopher Hewitt. He gets really small. T.V. Tom.

47:47

He gets really small. T.V. Tom. I

47:50

read an early draft of

47:52

the book. We're

47:57

just talking about a lot of nothing here, but

47:59

I also think we're- We're laughing, we're enjoying, and

48:02

we're communicating. Isn't that what it's all about?

48:04

You keep folding your arms. Why? It's very

48:06

hostile. Yeah, I want you to

48:08

be intimidated. If at all

48:11

possible. I was going to fight you and now

48:13

I'm not. See that? It worked. How

48:16

would you like me to sit? This is Benner? I

48:18

like it when someone is open, like open

48:20

heart. Okay, you got it. How long have

48:22

you and Matt Gorley been working together? We

48:25

started doing a podcast together in 2014. That

48:29

was the Andy Daly podcast. You came on Super Ego,

48:31

that would have been like 2011. Uh-huh.

48:35

Yeah, that's when I first met you. So however

48:37

many years that is between then and now. 13

48:40

years. Could be. So intimidated

48:42

by math. 2014, whatever

48:44

that could be. I

48:48

guess we'll never know. Well, I don't know, it's 2024

48:50

now, so I

48:52

think it's a pretty round number. Good luck. Well,

48:54

good luck to you. Never been

48:56

done. Here's some paper. There's

48:58

not a man alive who could calculate

49:02

the distance between 2014 and 2024. Many

49:06

have tried and gone mad. Gone

49:10

quite insane. Wasn't there some puzzle at like

49:12

CIA headquarters or something like that that you

49:14

would sit and you would try to solve

49:16

this puzzle? And then it turned out to

49:19

have been printed wrong. There was no solution.

49:21

Really? I believe so. Because Dan Brown

49:23

wrote a book about that after the Da Vinci Code. All

49:25

right, all of my information is from Dan Brown books. You're

49:28

not widely read, but you're very deeply read. You're narrowly

49:31

read. If Dan Brown wrote it, you know all about

49:33

it. I know all about it. Yes,

49:37

Opus Dei. You know what that is. Oh,

49:40

because I'm Catholic? Yeah, exactly. How were

49:42

you raised and what religious students? Yeah, same,

49:45

Catholic. Well, you raised Catholic. Yeah, but we

49:47

were allowed to stop after First Communion. Allowed

49:49

to stop. What age are you at first

49:51

communion? And

49:53

you can stop now. Eight,

49:56

when you're eight. And so right then, you said

49:58

I'm out. Yeah, yeah, they were. You can

50:00

keep going to the confirmation thing, which is like

50:02

at that point six years away, or you can

50:04

stop. And I said, oh, that stopping sounds great.

50:06

Let me stop being a Catholic. I can't be

50:08

a Jew. Have you

50:11

been tempted by another religion? No, not

50:13

at all. Oh, come on. What? You

50:16

want to sell me on one? Yeah, sure. I

50:19

guess, I think you'd be a Buddhist. Oh,

50:21

okay. Yeah. What does that

50:23

entail? Just you're very calm. Yeah, that's it.

50:26

Yeah, centered. Rub your belly a lot.

50:28

That's not it. No, it's not

50:30

it. It's a belly. You don't rub your belly. No, you're rubbing

50:32

the Buddha's belly. You rub the, I think, well,

50:35

you don't know anything about Buddhism. When I see

50:37

people with a big belly, I always just reach over

50:39

and rub it. No, I can't do that. For good

50:41

luck. That's gonna be the next me too. Because I,

50:43

you know, it's gonna be that I, if

50:45

I see someone with a big, big old belly, I'm talking

50:47

about a fella. A fella with a big old belly, I

50:49

always lean over and I give it a little rub. And

50:52

I go, I'm just gonna give you a, you

50:54

got a big old belly, I'm gonna give it

50:56

a little rub, little rub-a-dub-dub. They love it, right?

50:58

No, they always get very angry. Oh, interesting. I

51:00

would have thought. And I say, hey Chubs, take

51:03

it down a notch. I

51:05

don't know why they get so mad. Strange.

51:08

Not a good idea. Is it a bad idea? Yeah.

51:11

There's probably some questions you wanna ask me. I'm one of

51:13

your heroes. Like, I don't recall

51:15

him saying that. What? I don't recall him saying that.

51:17

I didn't get that impression at all. I never heard

51:19

that. I was really bummed out because I was looking

51:21

at your comedy heroes here. Oh. John

51:24

Belushi, Steve Martin, George Carlin Martin

51:26

short, period. What? No, there's

51:28

so many more than that. Conan

51:31

O'Brien, for instance. Yeah. Would

51:33

be on there. You fucked up big time coming in here. Yeah, there

51:35

shouldn't have been a period there. You were watching me as a child

51:37

when I was on in the 50s and 60s. Sure

51:40

I was, yes, yes. No,

51:43

no, no. How old would you have been in 1993 when

51:46

I come on the scene? 22 years

51:48

old. Yes, I

51:50

can well remember sitting

51:53

around with friends and watching

51:55

your show. We were that excited about a

51:57

new host of 1235. and

52:00

gather around to watch it. Did you say to

52:03

yourself, I'm going to one day be his good

52:05

friend? I would never would

52:07

have dreamed of it. No, but

52:09

I do remember watching that first show

52:11

with John Goodman and Felix. No.

52:15

Tony Randall. Tony Randall and

52:18

saying, this show

52:20

cannot be this

52:22

good a second time. I

52:25

really was like, it can't be that good

52:27

again. Is that fantastic? No,

52:30

I was just like, that is so above and beyond

52:34

what a late night comedy talk show wants

52:36

to try to be. It's

52:39

unsustainable. We

52:41

were swinging for the fences on the first one, and actually

52:43

the first couple, and then we started to realize, oh

52:46

wait, we have to do thousands of these. I

52:49

know, but the idea

52:51

of doing scripted sketches, scripted bits

52:53

in the context of, people

52:56

weren't really doing that quite to have somebody

52:58

come in like John Glaser

53:00

and all those hilarious people. One

53:03

of them was your roommate, Andy Blitz. Yeah, Andy

53:05

Blitz. Andy Blitz used to be the Channing guy

53:07

in the audience. He had

53:09

a couple of characters. I

53:12

don't think he was there from the very beginning. He was not there

53:14

from the beginning. Yeah, Andy Blitz and

53:16

I went to high school together and have

53:18

been friends ever since. We did comedy together

53:20

in high school, and then he wrote for

53:22

you for how many years? Many, many years.

53:24

And he hasn't changed at all. Every time

53:27

I see Andy Blitz, he

53:29

hasn't changed the way he dresses.

53:31

He still dresses like a 22 year old comedy

53:33

writer. You know, by my calculations now he's 81.

53:38

Again, that math, it's just about impossible. Can't

53:41

be done. Math is a Bermuda triangle. They'll

53:44

never figure out how to add

53:46

or subtract really. Yeah, no, no way.

53:49

Yeah, but I watched your show every single night. Until

53:51

I was on it, and then I saw like, oh,

53:53

once you get this close to it, it's not that

53:55

great. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha

53:57

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

53:59

Also, you know, You met the true monster.

54:02

You saw Conan O'Brien, the real Conan

54:04

O'Brien. I said, listen, Daley, you're

54:06

gonna come through today? Oh, you're a dead man,

54:09

Z. No,

54:12

it's so strange. I'm

54:14

sure you've had this, it's like a show that

54:16

you've seen on television so many times and then

54:18

you're actually in it, you're

54:20

there. It's really, really weird. It's bizarre.

54:22

Like the space doesn't seem at all

54:24

like it seems on television. Yeah,

54:27

that's kind of the magic of that studio

54:30

which I inherited from David Letterman. He

54:32

did his show from, let's say 82 to 93 there and

54:37

we did ours 93 to 2009. And

54:42

it's a small studio. It really is. It

54:44

was meant to be a little radio studio.

54:46

And when Robert Smigel and I first saw

54:48

it, we thought, well, no, this isn't big

54:50

enough. It's gotta be bigger. And

54:52

we've gotta figure out ways. And then

54:55

you realize, no, everything you need to do

54:58

must be done in this space

55:00

and limitations. It's what I always

55:02

go back to. Limitations are your

55:04

friend. Any kind of limit,

55:06

people that think, no, no, bigger, bigger. It's

55:08

gotta, we need an opera house. No, you

55:10

don't. You just need the

55:12

space that you were assigned. And if it feels like

55:15

it's too small, you'll

55:17

figure it out. Yeah, the weird thing is

55:19

that when you cut from one camera to

55:21

the other camera, the distance between those two

55:23

things you're seeing could be anything to the viewer. You

55:25

know what I mean? They don't know how far away

55:27

the stage is from the desk. Turns out

55:29

they're not far at all. So

55:33

you're saying people that watch TV are stupid. Is that

55:35

what you're saying? So dumb. Wow,

55:40

very judgmental guy. Absolutely,

55:43

propelled by hatred. What are you working

55:45

on these days? What

55:48

are you working on these days? What's, you

55:50

know, I mean, podcasting. We're

55:52

putting out a podcast every week

55:54

and I have no assistance.

55:56

Whatsoever with all the minutia

55:58

of it. Yeah, this. This guy does it all.

56:01

I do it all. He runs the whole Patreon,

56:03

everything. He does all the research for all the actors

56:05

on every episode, and he comes with all these

56:07

notes. It's amazing. Yes, I

56:09

do it every piece of it. I want

56:11

to come on the podcast because I think

56:14

you'll be disturbed by how much I know

56:16

about Bonanza. I love it. I'm

56:18

already a little bit. And you'll be concerned.

56:20

Frankly disappointing. You'll be concerned. It's

56:24

not my doing, it's my brother Neil, who

56:26

to this day will, whenever

56:29

he's watching Bonanza, will take a picture of

56:31

the screen and send it to my phone. And

56:34

instead of him saying, oh yeah, I'm here, I'm here

56:36

with dad, he's doing well, it's no,

56:39

it's a picture of Bruce Dern.

56:42

Oh yeah. You know, yelling at one of the

56:44

heartbreaks. Exciting people pop up on episodes of Bonanza.

56:46

It's wild. Sounds like we should have your brother

56:48

on. I know, you should have Neil. I was thinking the

56:50

same thing. Maybe we could get Neil to

56:53

do it. That would be fantastic. The other thing that's,

56:55

everyone's, I mean, noticed this before, but

56:58

whenever on Bonanza, whenever

57:00

one of the three sons takes a

57:02

fancy to a woman and they're going to get

57:04

married, you know that she will be

57:06

dead in 40 minutes. Yes. Because

57:09

it's like Gilligan's Island. You can't leave the island

57:11

is the premise of the show. And the other

57:13

premise is none of these guys successfully

57:15

get married. If there's a

57:17

woman in the show, that's the first thing. And

57:20

then if there is, she's a dead woman. But if there

57:22

is, she's a dead woman. It's funny how often there are

57:24

episodes where it's like, there wasn't even a woman in the

57:26

background. Not even a mention of

57:28

where I'm in town. Yeah. But

57:32

the other thing too, a recurring thing on the

57:34

show is that there'll be somebody who is one

57:36

of the characters best friend. Like

57:39

this guy, he's, oh, I've known him forever. He's

57:41

my best. You've never seen him before.

57:43

You'll never see him again. Never heard tell of him

57:45

before. Never heard tell of him before. No.

57:48

Also, and I know we're going down a

57:50

little rabbit hole here about the show Bonanza. If you

57:52

haven't watched the show Bonanza, this is

57:54

a total waste of your time. But it was

57:56

on for 14 years. Yeah. It started

57:59

in 1959. I believe we're not the year in 73 or 74, but

58:01

anyway, we'll never be able to calculate. Yeah.

58:05

My brother Neil might make an argument that they shot

58:07

one that aired in 74. That

58:09

might be his, he might. They

58:11

had some TV movies. Don't talk back

58:13

to me. That's not why I take your part. Okay. And

58:15

if you want to speak, you raise a closed fist and

58:18

then I have to nod. Really? We

58:20

have all kinds of codes here. We should have told you

58:22

that before. Yeah, I don't know why we're bringing up the

58:24

rules now. Yeah. If you have a

58:26

question, you do this. Little

58:29

wiggle of the- Well, I have no questions.

58:31

Okay. Well, I can see that because

58:33

you're not doing this. Because you're a rule follower. I

58:35

know that. Wait, there

58:37

was some point I was going to make about Bonanza and it was a

58:39

good one. I think it's okay. No! No!

58:45

God damn it! Remember it. Don't

58:48

you think we should just wait until I remember

58:50

it, but then even not edit this? So

58:53

this is just time? It's going to take hours. We're

58:56

good, right? Yeah, we're

58:58

probably good. No, we're probably good. Oh,

59:00

this is the point I was going to make. The

59:02

whole point is that they own the biggest

59:04

piece of land. What state is

59:06

it? Are they in Nevada? Nevada, Nevada territory.

59:08

But all these shows that were

59:11

predicated on, and it's the same thing

59:13

I would say with Yellowstone today. The

59:15

show Yellowstone is all about how

59:17

this one family owns eight billion

59:20

acres. And Bonanza,

59:22

it's all about they own

59:24

half of Nevada. It

59:26

takes multiple days to traverse their

59:28

property. Traverse their property. And it's

59:31

a guy with three sons who

59:33

occasionally date and their girlfriends get

59:35

killed. That's it. And

59:38

the same thing with the other show was The

59:40

Big Valley. It was about a family, the Barclays

59:43

that had, so a

59:45

lot of these shows, and I say it's still

59:47

happening today because I've noticed it with Yellowstone. I

59:49

sit there and I question the

59:52

premise of owning that

59:54

much land. But, and especially because the more

59:56

the show goes on, the more you realize

59:58

they're kind of like a mob family. where

1:00:00

they're taking from people, and they seem really

1:00:02

nice on the surface, but over time, you

1:00:04

realize that, yeah, they're just kind of usurped

1:00:06

this land. But also,

1:00:09

people are... Every other episode

1:00:11

is someone of... And not just that

1:00:13

Western, but every other episode

1:00:15

of Yellowstone, every episode, so many

1:00:17

of the episodes around these Westerns,

1:00:20

it's almost a genre of guy

1:00:23

shows up, claims half the state

1:00:25

is his land, and builds a big fence,

1:00:27

and then people ride through, and half the episodes

1:00:30

are people going, how come you

1:00:32

have all this? This is too much,

1:00:34

get out of here! We're

1:00:37

the Bonanza gang, get out! It's

1:00:39

important to venture too, that Ben Cartwright,

1:00:41

the father, each son is from

1:00:43

a different wife, and they've all died, and it

1:00:45

seems really kind of mysterious about

1:00:47

how they died too, like maybe Ben got

1:00:49

tired of... Yes, this man is buried three

1:00:51

wives. Was this

1:00:54

a good show? I don't

1:00:56

think so. There

1:00:58

are good episodes, it's pretty inconsistent. I will

1:01:00

say this, it was a massive hit. It

1:01:05

was one of the most successful shows of

1:01:07

its era, and it was the

1:01:09

dominant show for so many years

1:01:11

that I once watched an episode of a sitcom

1:01:14

that was made in the mid-60s, and

1:01:16

as a joke they said, hey, our show

1:01:18

is moving to so-and-so, yeah, who are we

1:01:20

opposite? Bonanza, and all the cast members go,

1:01:22

ugh! It

1:01:24

was the biggest thing of its day. The Smothers brothers

1:01:26

finally took them out of the top spot, did you

1:01:29

know that? Oh, I didn't know. Yeah, it was the

1:01:31

Smothers brothers. Yeah, they rode into that property with

1:01:35

their guitar and their upright bass.

1:01:38

Yeah, and their hippie politics. With

1:01:40

their hippie politics, their

1:01:43

anti-Vietnam War stance, and

1:01:46

their niche comedy, and

1:01:49

they kicked the shit out of that

1:01:51

family. No, but it's just funny to

1:01:53

me, how are you supposed to root for... Should

1:01:56

three people own half of a state? No.

1:01:58

I don't think so. I think they

1:02:00

should, myself. Now I'm

1:02:02

not a communist. But

1:02:05

they're reasonable, they'll give you a couple days to ride

1:02:07

out. I

1:02:11

love that we've talked as much about the answer. This

1:02:15

is gonna single, this episode will single-handedly take

1:02:17

down Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. But

1:02:21

we have a real boost to Benanza. Yeah, no

1:02:23

kidding. We have avid

1:02:25

listeners of our podcast by the way, who have never

1:02:27

watched an episode of Benanza. It

1:02:30

seems like almost all of them. Can you watch

1:02:32

them now? Somehow they're on YouTube, I don't know why.

1:02:35

All of them? Oh no, but I also, I think you can on

1:02:38

television. Oh yeah, there's some channel. There's plenty of

1:02:40

places that show Benanza. It's

1:02:42

just always playing somewhere. It's one of those shows

1:02:44

that's always playing somewhere. The show is owned by

1:02:46

some lawyer in New Jersey. Is that right? Very

1:02:49

strange, yeah. I don't know why, but

1:02:51

he owns the show. That

1:02:54

should have him on sometime. Wow,

1:02:56

it's very strange. Well, listen,

1:02:59

this has been our deep dive into

1:03:01

the show Benanza. Yeah. 1959

1:03:03

to, well, we'll say, 73. I

1:03:08

think there was, Neil, we're gonna get him on the phone at

1:03:10

some point and he might be able to clarify for us. I

1:03:12

think they air it quite. No need, it really was, 59 to

1:03:14

73. You're

1:03:16

not to speak until I tell you. Listen, one

1:03:18

rule I have here is you can't contradict me.

1:03:20

If I lay out a fact, you just have

1:03:23

to agree. Okay. Tom?

1:03:25

That's hard for me. I'm gonna ask you

1:03:28

more than an argument. You seem so confrontational.

1:03:30

Yes, that's me. That's

1:03:34

all I got. It's gonna, I

1:03:37

love talking to you. You're a goofy, foolish

1:03:39

man. You are

1:03:41

an imp. Oh.

1:03:43

You are, he is, he's just your

1:03:45

delightful, delightful comedy sprite. I'm gonna

1:03:47

say that right now. And I'm sure you have equally-

1:03:49

Look, I'm 59, okay? I'm

1:03:52

tiny. You know

1:03:54

what I love about you, Andy? You're just a tiny,

1:03:57

tiny little- Perfectly average hiker. Fixing your pocket. But no,

1:03:59

I'm just perfectly average. I'm a average height for a man. I

1:04:01

don't think amp or Sprite are appropriate.

1:04:03

I picture small things when you say

1:04:05

that. You're a little

1:04:08

comedic doll. A

1:04:11

ventriloquist dummy that shrank in the wash. Got

1:04:15

even smaller than most ventriloquist dummies. You

1:04:17

bring me great joy, you always have.

1:04:19

And thank you so much for hanging

1:04:21

with me today. Thank you, I really

1:04:23

enjoyed it. No, that was so fake.

1:04:26

Oh, okay. The way you hit the U was so- I'll try to say it

1:04:28

more. Thank you. Thank

1:04:31

you. I'm going to try to say it like I

1:04:33

mean it. Thank you. Why

1:04:36

is it always twice? You have to ram into it. Okay. Do

1:04:39

it in the Irish guy. Oh, thank you. I

1:04:44

can't sincerely thank somebody for anything. You can't

1:04:47

thank me. Can you? I

1:04:49

can't. After all I've done for you- I'm going

1:04:51

to try to channel some gratitude. Coffee

1:04:53

was free. I'm trying to remember

1:04:55

that. Thank you. That was good. That

1:04:57

was great. That approached humanity. That was

1:05:00

great. You're an AI person. That took a

1:05:02

lot out of me. I'm going to have to lie down for-

1:05:04

Well done, you're now a real boy. Yeah,

1:05:07

exactly. Thank you, Andy Daly,

1:05:09

you magical man. Thank you. Thank

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1:05:41

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a nice fun surprise. My

1:06:44

old pal of over 75 years,

1:06:46

Andy Richter, just wandered

1:06:48

by and we grabbed him and pulled him into the

1:06:50

studio. Andy, how are you? I'm

1:06:52

good. I was here stealing chips. Were you in the

1:06:55

kitchen? No, but I do. I

1:07:00

have a four-year-old and I steal chips and

1:07:02

put them in the console of my car.

1:07:05

So when I pick her up, then I've got some pop

1:07:07

chips or whatever to give her. And

1:07:14

now when I don't have them, she's

1:07:16

pissed. You created

1:07:19

the expectation. We have a nice kitchen

1:07:21

here at the Team Coco. A beautiful

1:07:23

kitchen. A beautiful kitchen and Erica

1:07:26

Brown keeps it stocked with these nice chips. Once

1:07:29

a month, we have to go over the books and they

1:07:31

told me that we've been hemorrhaging. We're

1:07:34

hemorrhaging money and we isolated

1:07:36

it. There's

1:07:38

been a chip loss. Mostly

1:07:42

AirPops chips. Come and get me,

1:07:44

Scrooge. I

1:07:46

love that you're stealing chips. Do

1:07:52

you just do it openly or have you

1:07:54

ever found yourself being kind of furtive about

1:07:56

it? Oh, if anybody walks by, I

1:07:58

say, I'm stealing these. And

1:08:01

then I put him in the... You know,

1:08:03

I have a... It's like I

1:08:06

have this console and I have...

1:08:08

My car is such like a

1:08:10

mom car. Like I

1:08:12

have a spoon and a

1:08:15

fork. I have a sewing kit.

1:08:17

I have band-aids. I have a

1:08:20

Benadryl. And you know,

1:08:22

I have... And gum

1:08:24

and mints and just all kinds of

1:08:26

shit in my car. Yeah, I really

1:08:29

am. I mean, and it's

1:08:31

like my purse. You know, it's like mom's

1:08:33

purse, but it's the

1:08:35

console of my car, you know? Well,

1:08:37

I'm so happy you came by because

1:08:39

A, you know, we

1:08:41

had a chip buildup. So we needed

1:08:43

to leave some of them off. But

1:08:46

the... I only take the ones that are not

1:08:48

good. But a four-year-old will be

1:08:50

like, yeah, it's better than nothing. Like you're fucking

1:08:52

right, you is. Things

1:08:55

like Sesty Ranch

1:08:57

Pea Hogs. Yeah,

1:09:00

there's a lot of healthy

1:09:03

chip. I think either eat a chip or don't. But

1:09:05

whenever they say no, it's made of soy.

1:09:08

It's barbecue soy puff

1:09:10

shit. I think Sun

1:09:12

Chips are like the snack

1:09:14

industry's biggest fuck you to

1:09:16

America. Sun Chips. They're

1:09:19

just... It's like, because they

1:09:21

can't be good for you, but they're

1:09:23

purportedly like... They taste

1:09:27

cardboardy and weedy enough that you're

1:09:29

like, well, this can't be bad

1:09:31

for me. But no, they're

1:09:34

probably just about as bad as lady chips.

1:09:36

But also Sun Chips makes me think they

1:09:38

were made by the Sun. Yes, exactly. They

1:09:40

were baked in the sun. I'm not handsome.

1:09:42

So bugs landed on them. Oh. Well,

1:09:45

I'm glad you're here, Andy, because a

1:09:48

gentleman has wandered into the studio. Yes.

1:09:50

You know, we need better security here.

1:09:52

And I'm told his name is

1:09:55

August Lint, but I don't really know anything

1:09:57

about him. And I thought maybe you could

1:09:59

help me find out more about this. is

1:10:01

it August lint? Yeah, that's right! You

1:10:05

got it right on the first try! I

1:10:07

was guessing because you don't see a

1:10:09

lot of later hosing in this neighborhood. Also, in this

1:10:11

weather, it's like 90 degrees. It's hot. Yeah,

1:10:14

but it's great because they're nice and short. Okay. It

1:10:17

feels good. They're

1:10:19

a little too short. Yeah, a little too short.

1:10:21

Yeah, because I can tell your religion. Oh, stop

1:10:24

it! That's not possible. It's

1:10:26

not possible. I think you must

1:10:28

be teasing me, but yeah. These are short later

1:10:30

hoses. August, are you from Bavaria?

1:10:33

Are you from Germany? Where are you

1:10:35

from? These are great questions. I'm from

1:10:37

Dusseldorf, Germany. Okay, and what do you

1:10:39

do, sir? I work, I'm a salt

1:10:41

inspector in the Schmeiderberg Pretzel factory. You

1:10:45

inspect salt? Yes, I'm the junior. I'm

1:10:47

actually, now I'm the junior and the senior salt

1:10:50

inspector. And what I do is, the

1:10:52

salt comes down the belt, and I decide, yeah, this

1:10:54

is good enough for a pretzel. This is not good

1:10:56

enough for a pretzel. This is too good for a

1:10:58

pretzel. And that's my job, I do it all day

1:11:00

long. What happens to the salt that's too good for a

1:11:02

pretzel? That goes to like a sea salt

1:11:04

chocolate or something like that. No, I see, I see. Something

1:11:07

really fancy like that. Andy, are you familiar

1:11:09

with Dusseldorf? Because you have German roots. I

1:11:11

do. I've never been to Dusseldorf. In

1:11:14

fact, the only time I've been to Germany at all was

1:11:16

with you. Yeah, we did a travel show there. Yeah, we

1:11:19

did a travel show in Berlin. And then...

1:11:22

One of my favorite segments of all time is us

1:11:24

doing the Schuplatler... Speaking of

1:11:26

later hosings. It was

1:11:28

one of the funniest... I'm

1:11:31

not supposed to say that, but something I'm

1:11:33

involved in, but damn it. Oh, I'll say

1:11:35

it. That was one of the funniest things

1:11:37

I've ever just heard about now. Now,

1:11:42

August, let's get attention back to you, because that seems to be

1:11:44

what you want. Exactly. It's so difficult.

1:11:47

You are difficult. How

1:11:49

did you get this job as the pretzel

1:11:51

salt inspector? Oh, well, I went

1:11:53

to... They had auditions. It's not a job

1:11:55

interview. It's like a real high-pressure audition. It

1:11:57

was... We had... Hasselhoff

1:12:00

was there, as part

1:12:02

of the panel, of course. Sure. And,

1:12:04

uh... Oh,

1:12:07

he was one of the judges. Yeah, there was a

1:12:09

panel of judges, and then it was like, let's see

1:12:11

your salt inspecting. And because the trick of it is

1:12:13

like, they really don't want you

1:12:15

to judge the salt by taste because, you

1:12:18

know what I mean? Then it's gonna go on a pretzel.

1:12:20

Yeah. It should not first be in

1:12:22

your mouth. Right, that's unsanitary. Exactly. So you have

1:12:24

to show that you can look at it and

1:12:26

judge it that way. Yeah, we don't know why

1:12:28

you laughed there, that's not funny. It's just you

1:12:30

describing your job, so, you know.

1:12:34

I wanna know, like, is

1:12:36

your inspecting only before the pretzel

1:12:38

is applied to the pretzel? Like,

1:12:41

what about- The salt. Is

1:12:43

it the salt? Yeah, yeah, the salt. What about after

1:12:45

the salt's been applied to the pretzel? Is there an

1:12:47

inspection process after that? Because I can imagine that

1:12:50

that amount has to be very

1:12:52

precise. That's a whole different department. They don't

1:12:54

let me get anywhere near the finished pretzel.

1:12:56

Why? Because I'm not

1:12:58

skilled enough, I don't have the skills. To be honest

1:13:00

with you, August, it sounds like maybe there was an

1:13:02

incident. Sometimes

1:13:05

I will go over to the other

1:13:07

side of the building where the finished

1:13:09

pretzels are, and I think I'm touching

1:13:11

too many of them and

1:13:14

not in the right respectful way. Well, why

1:13:16

were you over there? Wasn't it

1:13:18

made clear to you that you're not supposed to go to

1:13:20

where the finished pretzels are? Maybe there's

1:13:22

a woman there that I can't

1:13:24

get enough of. Oh,

1:13:27

really? Who is she talking about? What's

1:13:29

her name? Her name is Gortrude. Wait

1:13:33

a minute. Is it Gortrude or

1:13:36

Gortrude? It's

1:13:38

Gortrude. Oh my God. And

1:13:40

I can't get enough of just

1:13:43

watching her. Okay, so does she

1:13:45

return your affections? No, I wouldn't

1:13:47

say that. But her- She

1:13:49

has asked me in writing to stop leaving

1:13:51

alone. Okay,

1:13:55

well, that's an important question. because

1:14:00

here in this country, and I hope globally, there's

1:14:02

more of a movement that if women don't want

1:14:04

your attention, they say that and you go away.

1:14:07

Absolutely. But

1:14:09

only sometimes I will go over and

1:14:11

just to watch her. Okay, well that's

1:14:14

not good. What does she do? Like, what are you

1:14:16

watching her do? She

1:14:19

takes, okay, you can't believe it,

1:14:21

she takes a cart full of

1:14:24

pretzels, finished pretzels, and she

1:14:26

wheels them from that machine over to

1:14:28

the bagging machine. So she's just wheeling

1:14:31

pretzels? Yeah, all day long. But

1:14:33

do you like, is she dressed in a provocative way? She's

1:14:36

got, it's like a hazmat suit type

1:14:38

of thing. Oh, well this doesn't sound...

1:14:41

It's no, but you have to see the way she wears it.

1:14:44

Nobody wears a hazmat suit like Gortrond. Okay.

1:14:48

I want to know why they don't just have a

1:14:50

belt. Yeah. A conveyor belt

1:14:52

that takes the pretzels. Yeah,

1:14:54

why is it... That's a

1:14:56

standard thing in most factors. Yeah, why

1:14:58

does Gortrude have to take this pretzel

1:15:01

over towards bag? You'd think it'd be

1:15:03

a machine. Are you okay, August? I'm

1:15:05

fine. Yeah, no, it's the nepotism.

1:15:08

Okay. So

1:15:13

you think Gortrude's related to someone at the

1:15:15

factory? Oh, yeah, yeah. Her name is Gortrude

1:15:17

Schmeiderberg. She's part of the Schmeiderberg family. I

1:15:20

see. She's part of the Schmeiderberg family. I

1:15:22

hate that. So let me just ask you something, and

1:15:24

this is very important to me. What do you think

1:15:26

of these American pretzels? When you come to our shores

1:15:28

and you taste our pretzels, you

1:15:30

know, that you buy at a supermarket, what

1:15:32

do you think? I don't want to be

1:15:34

like, what's the word, pedantic or something like

1:15:37

that, but there's literally no pretzels in the

1:15:39

United States. Do you know what I mean?

1:15:41

Like, those are not pretzels. They're not. They're

1:15:43

not. What are you talking about? That's not

1:15:45

a pretzel. I often... My

1:15:47

wife will buy a bag of pretzels and

1:15:49

we'll eat them up. You call them that,

1:15:51

but it doesn't qualify as a pretzel because

1:15:53

it's not made in the right way. I have

1:15:55

toured your pretzel factories. There

1:15:58

are no dedicated sort inspectors. There

1:16:00

is nobody to wield the pretzels to

1:16:03

the bagging area. They

1:16:05

are not made to the standards of

1:16:08

a high quality German pretzel. Okay, I think

1:16:10

you're, I'm sorry, I think you're being a

1:16:12

little bit of a snob here. But a

1:16:15

little bit. I'm trying to be

1:16:17

100% of a snob in favor of pretzels, man.

1:16:21

Hey, don't get all hippy on me. Yeah,

1:16:23

wow. What is that, man? You know, are

1:16:25

they hard pretzels or soft pretzels that you

1:16:28

guys make? Well, they start out and they

1:16:30

soft, and then you cook them and

1:16:32

they become hard. Okay, that's how the process works. See,

1:16:34

I just can't believe that there's that big of a

1:16:36

difference between,

1:16:38

say, like a Snyder's Pennsylvania Dutch,

1:16:42

or for crying out

1:16:44

loud. And then a Schneider,

1:16:46

or Schmimmel. Schneiderberg, whatever. You

1:16:49

can't believe, does that make a difference? I can't. I

1:16:52

mean, a grain of salt is a grain of salt. Oh

1:16:54

my God. All right, what are you talking

1:16:56

about? All right, I'm sorry. You

1:16:59

have to consider the size, the

1:17:01

shape, and the opacity. Do

1:17:05

you wear... Is it like a diamond? Yeah. Here's

1:17:08

my question. Do you use any kind of small tool

1:17:10

like a tweezer? Of course, I have

1:17:12

tweezers of various different sizes to pick up and inspect

1:17:14

the salt, and I got one of them things that

1:17:16

a jeweler wears too on my glasses. A jeweler's flute.

1:17:18

A lute, yeah, yeah. We don't call it that in

1:17:20

Germany. What do you call it? There's no word for

1:17:22

it. We just call it that thing

1:17:24

that a jeweler puts on its glasses. Wow, wow. That's

1:17:27

convenient for you right now. Sure is,

1:17:29

yeah. Sometimes it's just so good. It's

1:17:31

a limiting language. Yeah.

1:17:35

Really? We don't put a piece

1:17:37

of salt on a pretzel unless it's like a 14-carat

1:17:39

piece of salt. You know

1:17:41

what, I got clarity and courage. August,

1:17:43

I don't mean to offend you, but I just always

1:17:45

assumed that there was a machine that just spat a

1:17:47

whole bunch of salt onto a pretzel. Oh,

1:17:49

you don't mean to offend me? I'm

1:17:52

sorry, that's just what... That's the way I

1:17:54

think it's done in your stupid country. In

1:17:56

your stupid country. In your Pennsylvania Dutch place.

1:17:59

Bye. At Schmeidelberg Pretzels,

1:18:02

a man does the speaking out

1:18:04

of the salt. With

1:18:06

precision and care and training

1:18:08

for years, and Hasselhoff approved.

1:18:10

Okay. Well, listen, I'm going to have

1:18:12

to wrap it up with you, August. I

1:18:14

want to say this. I always admire people,

1:18:16

and I think you'll agree, Andy, people that

1:18:19

are dedicated to what they do and take

1:18:21

it seriously. Absolutely. Even as

1:18:23

silly as it is, it's important. Sometimes

1:18:25

people have silly jobs. Yeah, you have

1:18:27

not. I mean, it's silly and I

1:18:30

don't know, it just feels like what you're doing is probably

1:18:33

not making a difference and you would be easily

1:18:35

replaced by a hose or something. But

1:18:37

at the same time, can I

1:18:39

just tell you, I know you're trying to wrap it up,

1:18:42

but they did try to replace me with a hose and

1:18:44

it didn't go good. Didn't go good? No. How

1:18:47

bad? How not good did it go? It was

1:18:49

a disaster. What happened? There was salt all over

1:18:51

the place. You can't put salt through a hose.

1:18:53

Oh, I didn't know. I

1:18:56

didn't know. Were you there when it went wrong? No,

1:18:59

I had been fired. And

1:19:01

I was at the bottom of a bottle and then

1:19:03

I got a phone call telling me the hose was

1:19:10

a bust. Please come back. Okay.

1:19:13

And did you have kind of an attitude when

1:19:15

you came back? Of course I did, and I

1:19:17

have to this day. Yeah, like, oh, I hope

1:19:19

you're a hose. You know, yeah. Yeah. I

1:19:22

have all the time. I'll say, well, okay, you

1:19:24

can always ask the hose again. Stop

1:19:26

like that. You know, a

1:19:28

hose doesn't go stare at Gertrude either. Yeah,

1:19:31

that's true. It's Gertrude. Gertrude,

1:19:33

I'm sorry. Gertrude, my friend. All right. Well,

1:19:36

August, I know that, and I say this with

1:19:38

great sarcasm that you're a busy man. But

1:19:42

I've only got seven months vacation this year. Oh,

1:19:47

Europe, they know how to do it. Socialism.

1:19:51

Thank you, August. And Andy, we got to do

1:19:53

more of this. This is a real treat. Sure,

1:19:55

thank you. I just, I saw that you guys

1:19:57

were having fun in here. I

1:20:00

wasn't. Well,

1:20:02

you were busy stealing. That's right. While

1:20:04

you were shouting, yeah, I'm stealing this.

1:20:07

I was. Long, long, long.

1:20:09

Oh, wow. I was recording

1:20:11

in there. All right.

1:20:13

Bye-bye, everybody. Goodbye. Conan

1:20:17

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1:20:20

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