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They're everywhere. I'd

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like to shout out the biggest villain I know. It's

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the person that talks during the movie. Oh,

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that guy sucks. I hate that guy. And guess what?

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It's often me. Oh, no. Anyway,

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and you know what? If I could talk to that guy, I'd say,

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would say to this scourge of a person. But

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mattressfirm.com or stores for details. Yeah.

2:02

The you. To

2:04

bring. New

2:07

suit block any. We.

2:32

All know. Ah,

2:40

Ah,

2:53

Ah, Ah,

3:01

Ah, To.

3:10

Know. Fine.

3:28

One hundred and. Fifty.

3:33

Five Comedians the Day. For

3:36

fifty two weeks. So

3:39

much more than anybody

3:41

was. I

3:43

think it's the and it's just the same comics

3:45

as the beginning with mustaches on that says mine.

3:47

That's just my theory. But very happy to be

3:49

here. I don't know why we're here. We do

3:51

a show and max so. I

4:01

honestly think Netflix doesn't know or

4:03

on max. I'm not sitting there

4:06

like we're really excited for the

4:08

show. It's doing great and my

4:10

folks had a. We

4:13

wanted to be part of our

4:15

big Netflix nine weeks. Of

4:19

every comedians it's ever been born. Look

4:23

at this place. I have performed

4:25

in many venues and I've never

4:27

been in this one for the

4:29

Orpheum Theatre. This is gorgeous. S.

4:36

This is a lot of pressure of

4:38

Israel will get you in a minute.

4:40

List as a lot of Pressure This

4:43

is so much pressure. This is a

4:45

shoe box. This is a massive, gorgeous

4:47

vaudeville toolbox and I feel we should

4:49

be like staging Les Miz here. Seriously,

4:53

we should be doing something. It

4:55

has like fifty five people having

4:57

a battle on stage. And.

4:59

Instead, we're choosing a podcast.

5:03

We have the most beautiful theater one of most beautiful

5:06

theaters in the world's as the you can hear soon

5:08

a call me a dick. And

5:13

look at this Opera boxes. What?

5:17

Did you people think you are coming to

5:19

see. You

5:23

are an opera boxes. I've never

5:25

been an opera box my a

5:27

whole life. Lincoln

5:30

was in one once. You

5:35

guys are in an offer. That's

5:37

it. You bring us closer. And

5:40

yes, those glasses. You can see

5:42

what the other ladies. Who.

5:47

Oppose him as it. Were

5:50

pulling off season tickets. Incredible. Is that the

5:52

same? some of the just the same as

5:54

an effort to be an opera box? Or

5:56

it's just luck of the draw. How does

5:58

it work? And

6:00

I got now that. I'm

6:04

one hundred and seventy five thousand

6:06

comics. On Netflix

6:08

is seven month period. With

6:12

that stubhub, I

6:16

just love that's the world we come to. Mean

6:19

that's the World Marine. right now you're sitting in

6:21

an offer box. You just wouldn't stop. I've

6:29

had bad. Things

6:33

in Queens zippy sitting there, Was

6:37

a teen, couldn't figure out stuff. have.

6:41

You. Guys are amazing! What a fantastic crowd and

6:43

you're here! I

6:49

love you too! I really do love you. I'm.

6:52

Saying I now has never said

6:54

that's my wife. She

6:58

calls me a good earner. There's

7:02

you. Empty seats right here. What's going on?

7:05

What's. That. What's. The

7:07

policy here I think someone should be sitting a

7:09

know see. No.

7:13

One is you someone very well see.

7:19

Someone who can to has millions of

7:21

dollars to sit there. So.

7:23

I can spend it on a goes the

7:26

helicopter still to understand how self is this

7:28

works. know we should seriously put people in

7:30

these two seats and I think it's to

7:32

be I think so I did a bad

7:35

sort of some people that really got screwed

7:37

over when the bass bass. And

7:43

you can be even closer than Sona cause

7:46

me exact. Same.

7:52

A quick shout out my trainers in the

7:54

audience and I gym where I stand up.

7:56

You hear that guy? Stand up areas.

8:05

When I was like this.

8:11

Team We've been ski whose nickname is the loop.

8:13

That is not a joke. And

8:15

I'll tell him before we go on run of the like

8:18

I'm sore knees like how can the Loop help. Disgusting.

8:24

I mean I have answers but I don't want to go into

8:26

on. Live. I'm getting a workout and

8:28

thanks to you. I. Looked exactly how

8:30

old I am. Weapon.

8:34

We have so much so to get super Before

8:36

we do I have to talk to you about

8:39

this band. I I've been ass. I've

8:43

been asked by many people. Many people have

8:45

asked me what is it you miss most

8:47

do miss anything about during the late night

8:49

show every nine He said I loved it.

8:52

I did it for twenty eight years. I

8:54

thoroughly enjoyed it. I like what I'm doing

8:56

now. I don't miss anything except I miss

8:58

the band at Miss You Guys. I miss

9:00

you everyday. Similar, The

9:02

you know is our fearless leader. On

9:09

T. Says

9:13

you guys. Are with me all

9:15

those years Say heard every

9:17

City monologue. On

9:20

drums and it's an easy as

9:22

they're. Censoring

9:26

from the Old Testament on pay.

9:30

Me Stories Air. Movement

9:37

Amazing Guy he is one of the best

9:39

bass players in the world and also the

9:42

I think he's been in every third art

9:44

from comics and I. That's

9:47

an unbelievable beard. And

9:49

you know it's disappointing. It's ties on in

9:52

the back. That's the sad part's let me

9:54

bring out or two people who make my

9:56

life a joy. I'm

10:01

talking about my attorney and my

10:04

agents. Know I have

10:06

that this podcast has been a revelation to

10:08

me. We've been doing it over five years

10:10

now and I it's I hope it comes

10:12

through, but I don't know what I've enjoyed

10:15

anything more than just screwing around his podcast.

10:17

And these two people are. We surprised me

10:19

and they could So much fun. Sort of

10:21

assessed. Ah,

10:45

I was a very nice intro

10:47

with nice zero zero zero zero

10:49

zero. And

10:52

the opera boxes or emptying out. As

10:56

incredible I haven't played the suit or before,

10:58

but it's absolutely is absolutely gorgeous. Yeah, nineteen

11:00

twenty four it was birds if is purchased.

11:02

It was built. My

11:05

said it was versus Milton. Seventy

11:07

Seventy an Exorcist. Yeah Ah, I

11:09

think we have a fantastic show

11:12

tonight. I am very happy to

11:14

be part of. This festival even

11:16

though we clearly don't belong. Yes, Ah,

11:18

and I want to thank everyone for

11:20

coming to his show and think our

11:23

listeners across the world understand how difficult

11:25

it is to get to a show

11:27

downtown. In Los Angeles, a lot

11:29

of people here tonight and I just want

11:31

to point this out. A

11:35

lot of people here had to begin their

11:37

journey nineteen days ago. Many

11:40

people didn't make it. They

11:43

used pack mules and horses is it

11:45

is amazing to get all the way

11:48

down here and are people determined to

11:50

know that bad for ten seasons under

11:52

you just undercut everything I said. I

11:54

completely. Depleted. Your holds Okay says it's

11:56

not that bad. There's actually a lot of different

11:58

ways you could take public. transportation, you could

12:01

drive. There's a lot of different

12:03

wait a minute, what little lime scooters?

12:06

Yeah. So you took public transportation to

12:08

get here? No, I didn't. He

12:11

actually bummed to ride with me. Yeah, you

12:13

could. You two came together. Yeah. Okay. All

12:15

right. Do you do those lime scooters? I

12:17

picture you on a lime scooter. Do I

12:19

do them? Do you

12:22

ride on those? I see you doing it.

12:24

I do not ride them. You're two feet

12:26

looking all like, whoa, I'm in Larchmont. You

12:28

know, do you do that? No,

12:31

you're the one that put us in Larchmont. I

12:33

know. I like it there. But I'm not gonna

12:35

ride one of those scooters around. I

12:38

don't either. Okay, I scootered. Really? You gotta be

12:40

careful. What do you mean? No, I mean, like,

12:42

you are. Yeah, you do. But you could scooter

12:44

it's a scooter friendly town. I

12:47

want to see. I want to see our bass player

12:49

on a scooter. When you see that beard flowing in

12:51

the wind would

12:53

not just be incredible. So aerodynamic. People

12:56

would think, Oh my God, God is back and he's

12:58

on a lime scooter. God

13:03

came back to earth to save us

13:05

and look what he's spending his time

13:08

doing. Instead of all the problems we

13:10

have in the world. Well, time to

13:12

solve all the Huh? Seems

13:15

reasonable swipe. I

13:20

don't know. I've

13:22

got I take seven limos to work. They're

13:26

all tied together. So I burn more

13:28

fossil fuels. Hi, I'm an

13:31

asshole. You

13:36

think there's like a card reader on the sweater?

13:40

Oh, is this one of those things where I'm exposed

13:42

as not knowing what's going on? Well, trust me on

13:44

the line scooter. I

13:47

used your swipe. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, you're

13:49

exposed because no one knew you were

13:51

out of it before. I

13:53

know. Okay, let's laugh it up. You do laugh it

13:56

up. You are dick.

13:58

Yeah. What the fuck? Who

14:02

are you? What's she-? This you right there? You

14:04

applauded me being a dick. I've

14:07

proven I have the power to move people in

14:09

their seats. I

14:12

could snap one finger! And

14:15

you'd be one row behind and slightly to the left.

14:19

I won't do it. I promise. No, no. Well, okay. You

14:24

may live. God,

14:29

the power! I've gone power mad! What else can you

14:31

do with that? I don't know. I'm

14:33

just telling you. I get a big

14:35

crowd like this and I get all excited. I won't sleep for weeks

14:38

after this. I know. I know. I

14:40

get wrapped up by a crowd. I'm

14:42

gonna be ready to party after this. And

14:45

by party I mean have aspirin and

14:47

go to bed after

14:49

watching an old law

14:51

and order. Yeah,

14:54

this is fun. My family's here. You

14:57

have to be nice to me. I

14:59

know. When you say your family's here,

15:01

I picture everybody. Everyone. Every

15:04

single person is in

15:06

the audience. That's true. Yeah, I

15:08

know. See, you have to be nice to me

15:10

is what I'm saying. I do not have to

15:12

be nice to you. People don't like that. It's

15:14

been proven. People like it when we get into

15:16

it, when we're totally ourselves, when you reveal some

15:19

of your flaws. People

15:22

like that. People love that about the

15:24

podcast. Okay, all right. Shoplifter.

15:27

Oh! It's

15:29

been a long time since I did that. You

15:32

can't keep bringing it up. Every Manson

15:34

member said that in prison. Oh.

15:38

It's been since 69. You

15:41

chopped up 75 people. It's been a

15:44

while. No, I'm not equating

15:46

your shoplifting with the Manson Show. You are. Yes,

15:48

you are. Exactly what

15:50

you're doing. That's exactly what

15:52

I'm doing, and I apologize. Oh, you do? No,

15:55

I don't. Okay, I didn't think so. I'm

15:57

excited for our show. I really am. I think we have

15:59

a good one. We have

16:01

a good one. Yeah fine You know

16:03

I don't know if we should do

16:05

other matters and need to be discussed

16:08

are actually there's an announcement we have

16:10

about says something coming out very special.

16:12

You know what if some good? So

16:14

glad you reminded me. Thank you I'm

16:16

pregnant! Ah yes. It's

16:19

possible it is not

16:21

have. Now.

16:24

I'm very fertile. I

16:29

don't know him well

16:31

now. You know,

16:34

You're going to ask? you know? These are

16:36

edited by Matt Gourley His genius. He has

16:39

a special machine that he invented it removes

16:41

wounds. And and turns

16:43

them into I Hate You Conan see I

16:45

had ever. You've never listen, see, don't. Realize

16:48

that so and I get all the

16:50

last year's chirps. He

16:54

is. I don't. Lie.

16:57

I don't listen to the podcast I like to

16:59

make it but I'm not most people I will

17:01

add Sirius Xm. oh I will listen to that

17:03

and I'll check it out. but I I don't.

17:05

Do. That, but my brothers, even my brother

17:08

Neil won't listen to the podcast at own.

17:10

He says, why don't I do that I

17:12

mean, it's the easiest thing in the world

17:14

and he won't listen to it because to

17:17

him it's like know something comes on to

17:19

Nbc, Y B, S or A be Just

17:21

as as you know, eleven o'clock and that's

17:23

how it works. Know you don't just swipe

17:26

businesses. I see the radio. You slice it

17:28

as well as. Oh

17:30

he'll you're laughing it off. I. Often

17:37

am. Very well

17:39

as me of the day like we have

17:41

this match so and and it's been really

17:43

fun you know said getting a very nice

17:45

reception and i i ask my brother new

17:47

i can be checked it out he went

17:49

we don't have cinemax and i said if

17:51

not. You're

17:54

my brother's you wants everyone like so I

17:56

did for twenty years. Is that we have

17:58

it? I don't know. Got

18:00

it? Anyway, I'm not bitter and

18:03

all as the season I got exciting news.

18:05

and when I say I've got exciting news,

18:07

you better believe it. Check this out. He

18:09

turns to Cards. Hurt

18:12

he said that part. We. Are

18:14

pressing a second edition of are

18:17

highly sought after tomorrow, Brian needs

18:19

a friend Quinn plenty of celebration

18:21

final album. There

18:24

it is. Wow.

18:27

Raw enthusiasm, Screw

18:32

you. See way for and. Do

18:35

you. Live in Autism yelling

18:37

in the crowd. screw you. real push pull

18:39

with you in I know now that I

18:41

love you guys. Have

18:45

a Team photo. Vinyl contains never

18:47

before heard comedy bits and fool

18:49

assists. The doesn't exist anywhere else

18:51

because why would it this? Limited

18:53

edition Origins Vinyl. This one's Ahrens.

18:58

Or you're trying so hard to

19:00

make up is limited to five

19:02

thousand copies. Oh My. God. these

19:04

things are going to be like

19:06

those those coins. That. My parents

19:09

bought over a Muslim men who raised

19:11

my mid point like Jimmy Carter on

19:13

them. Then you find him later on

19:15

the attic and they're worthless. Me of

19:17

chocolate inside. Anyway,

19:20

I'm really a spinal there should be

19:22

than I have one. Hey, you gotta

19:24

check these out. See things when like

19:27

hotcakes last time, this or a meeting.

19:29

They cooled quickly. And

19:32

only tasted good for about

19:35

three minutes. On. sirius

19:37

these are highly sought after

19:39

items are you collect his

19:41

disk be sure to follow

19:43

shut up ice be sure

19:45

to follow at seem poco

19:48

on social and look for

19:50

qr codes in the lobby

19:52

to order years after the

19:54

show just walk up to

19:57

the qr code of weight

19:59

class Have you ever

20:01

used a QR code? Of course I've used a

20:03

QR code. Walk me through how it went.

20:05

You hold your camera up to it, because

20:07

that's the way all menus were during the

20:10

old COVID times. Most of you

20:12

don't remember. But when I was a

20:14

child, there was this pestilence called COVID,

20:16

and you'd say, I'm still going to

20:18

go to a restaurant and breathe everyone

20:20

else's air, but I can't touch a

20:22

menu. That

20:26

never made sense to me. Waiter would

20:28

come up. What do you

20:31

want? I'd

20:35

like a menu. Ace print desserts.

20:38

Pah! And

20:41

then you held your camera up. Well

20:44

now the whole audience has COVID. You

20:47

guys are in the splash zone. No,

20:49

no, no, no. You're like the Gallagher of disease.

20:51

No, I am not. That's terrible. Gallagher

20:53

was the disease of disease. God

20:57

rest his soul. There,

20:59

that fixed everything. He's dead? Listen,

21:02

I hate to put a kill on this, but

21:04

we've got to cover some business. I was on a

21:06

great COVID run. Yeah, keep going.

21:09

It's not fresh or anything on

21:11

everybody's mind. Go

21:14

ahead. Lay

21:17

it on me. What's going on? Well, before we get

21:20

into the main part of our show, we have some business we

21:22

have to take care of. It's true. I

21:24

did hear about this. I don't know much about it. I

21:26

told just before the show, these

21:28

are not as well prepared, you can probably imagine, as

21:33

you might think. But we were told

21:35

that we have a sponsor who wants to

21:37

come out and pitch in person.

21:40

Usually we just read the sponsored ad, but we

21:42

have a sponsor who wants to read in person.

21:45

And I guess this is a very important service.

21:47

I don't know much about who this is or what's going on. They

21:50

told me it was a little bit of a surprise, so let's find

21:52

out. Yeah. Hello,

22:02

I'm Dr.

22:05

Arroyo. You

22:25

may have seen me indoors on a

22:27

recent episode of Hot Ones with Sean

22:29

Evans. Sean

22:33

Evans and his guest. But

22:35

tonight, tonight

22:39

I'm here to talk to you. If

22:42

you're looking for high quality, affordable

22:44

health care, or

22:48

just affordable health care, I can

22:50

help you. Have

22:52

you ever gone to a doctor with a

22:54

health concern only to be told it was

22:57

nothing? You paid a lot of

22:59

money to be told it was nothing. I'll

23:02

tell you it's nothing for just $19 cash. Hello,

23:11

I'm Dr. Arroyo. You

23:14

said that. I know. And

23:18

for just $19 cash, I'll conduct a

23:20

medical exam, check your vital signs, and

23:23

say the reassuring phrases you came to

23:25

a doctor to hear. Phrases

23:28

like, it's harmless. That

23:30

goes away on its own. And

23:33

you should see my leg. Now

23:39

you may ask, who am I to give

23:42

medical advice? I'm Dr.

23:44

Arroyo. I

23:47

graduated from one of the top doctor

23:49

schools in the country it was in.

23:54

And just this week, WebMD put me

23:56

on their list of doctors to watch.

24:03

I keep medical costs low

24:05

by conducting exams al fresco

24:08

in low-traffic outdoor areas

24:10

like alleys and

24:13

bus shelters, underground

24:17

parking garages. That's

24:19

it. I know when the

24:22

guard has to take a whiz. Of

24:24

course, if your problems persist, by all

24:26

means get a second opinion from a

24:29

fancy indoor doctor but

24:31

get your first opinion from me for just $19

24:33

cash. For

24:36

years, A-list celebrity hypochondriacs like

24:39

Conan O'Brien have

24:42

been coming to me for their first

24:44

opinion and I've been right so far.

24:47

Let me be right so far with you. Don't

24:52

take my word for it. Here's Conan himself

24:54

to vouch for my services. Conan? No

24:56

one told me I was part of this. I

24:59

know, I know. It would help out a lot. No,

25:01

no. I am not going to vouch

25:03

for you. I'll give you $19. No.

25:07

I'm good for that. You put a stethoscope on

25:10

my tongue. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. It

25:12

was the only way to get you to stop

25:14

talking. Okay. No,

25:17

I am not going to endorse you. He's

25:20

the best doctor in LA. The best doctor

25:22

in LA. No, I'm not endorsing you. I'm

25:25

worried about the legal ramifications of me

25:28

endorsing you. I'll defend you. Okay.

25:33

You're barely a doctor and I know you're not a

25:35

lawyer. Neither are

25:38

you. Tight game. Wow.

25:40

Again, great point. Why don't we just wrap it up,

25:42

Dr. Arroyo? Well, all right. This is a

25:44

very hot fog. Thank you. Dr. Arroyo. I'm going

25:46

to do this. This is a very hot fog. Thank

25:49

you. Dr. Arroyo. Dr. Arroyo. Dr.

25:51

Arroyo. Dr. Arroyo. Dr. Arroyo.

25:54

Dr. Arroyo. Dr. Arroyo. Dr. Arroyo. Dr.

25:57

Arroyo. Dr. Arroyo. Dr. Arroyo. The

26:09

top doctor schools of the country it is

26:11

in. It is in. Just

26:13

having him on stage is like a tacit

26:15

endorsement for you. That's troublesome. And

26:18

for him. That's more troublesome. Yeah. It's

26:31

incredible to have the flexibility to work in all

26:33

sorts of places, whether it's taking video calls from

26:35

the park or emailing large files while you're grocery

26:37

shopping. So this is good for you. Is it?

26:40

You're always doing whatever work you do

26:42

for me from fun locations. But

26:44

I like blaming it on not having reception.

26:47

I know. But you can't do that

26:49

here. Working on the go seamlessly requires a

26:51

strong network, which is why you should check

26:53

out T-Mobile, Sona. Then you got no excuses.

26:55

They're America's largest and fastest 5G network. With

26:58

T-Mobile, you'll be covered in more places with the

27:00

5G speed you need for your life on the

27:02

go. Plus, they also cover

27:04

more highway miles with 5G than anybody else. Check

27:07

it out if you don't believe me. Hey,

27:09

Bly, you've got T-Mobile, right? I do. I

27:11

was actually just up in the woods in Idlewild. It

27:13

was fantastic for the weekend. And my

27:15

T-Mobile phone didn't miss it. I

27:18

wouldn't think you'd need a cell phone because you

27:20

speak so loudly into a microphone. Well, I had

27:22

to look some stuff up. Just take it down

27:24

a notch. I didn't know what brunch was. I

27:26

can hear him. When the restaurants open for brunch.

27:29

Okay. So I used my

27:31

T-Mobile coverage to check out brunch. That's right.

27:33

Anyway, wherever you are, take it from the

27:35

loud speaking play. If you're on the go, you

27:38

want to be in the know, you want to

27:40

make the show. What? T-Mobile. That's

27:42

the one for you. That was weird.

27:45

I should have rhymed it with go.

27:47

t-mobile.com/network today coverage not available in some

27:49

areas fastest based on median overall combined

27:51

5G speeds. According to analysis by Ucla

27:53

of speed test intelligence data, two, three,

27:55

20, 23, a C5G device

27:59

coverage net. details at

28:01

t-mobile.com. You

28:13

know me, Sona, I love to grill up. Yeah.

28:15

Some nice beef every now and then.

28:17

I'm a grill master. Or

28:20

sometimes the grill maestro depends on which country

28:22

you're in. Anyhoots. No one's called you that.

28:24

When I'm growing stuff up I needs my

28:26

Miller Lite. I really do. And I like

28:28

Miller Lite because they keep it simple. It's undebatable

28:30

quality. It tastes as great as your barbecue. Yes,

28:32

the beer that strips away everything you don't need

28:34

holds on to what matters most. It's

28:36

a light beer with the most taste, less filling,

28:38

and only 96 calories. That's good. That's how I

28:40

stay so lean. Humblebrag.

28:43

Anyway, the original light beer since

28:45

1975, a perfect companion for grill

28:47

masters across America. So

28:49

next time you're grilling up, grab your Miller Lite,

28:52

chomp, chomp, and then slurp,

28:54

slurp on the Miller Lite. Those sound effects really

28:56

sold it with a Miller Lite in hand. Grilling

28:58

doesn't just taste great. It tastes like Miller time.

29:01

Get Miller Lite delivered right to your door.

29:03

Visit millerlite.com/Conan. Or you can find it pretty

29:05

much anywhere that sells beer. And hey, celebrate

29:08

responsibly, Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, 96 calories

29:10

for 12 ounces. If

29:22

most people are being honest, no one

29:25

really knows what you do for work, right?

29:27

Yeah, it's true. Yeah, especially if you're in

29:29

what I like to call B2B. Oh, what

29:31

is that? Oh, it's fine. Okay, that's a

29:33

business doing business with other businesses. You know

29:35

what I'm saying? I call it B2B. It's

29:37

a little thing. It's also, it's

29:39

a boy band I'm working on. Anyway,

29:42

fortunately LinkedIn has

29:44

a network of professionals who get what

29:46

you do and you can reach the right

29:48

people who matter most to

29:50

your company because they're LinkedIn. Yeah. That's

29:52

what they do. LinkedIn

29:55

has over, this is the fun part

29:57

to say, one billion members. Are you

29:59

serious? Yeah, that's not that's more people

30:01

than are on earth because there are people on the

30:03

moon using it in Saturn That's

30:07

one over 1 billion members on its platform including

30:09

70 million decision makers god I'd

30:11

like to meet a decision maker Since LinkedIn

30:13

members are regularly updating their work history You

30:15

can precisely build a target audience by job

30:18

title industry company and more man You

30:20

can reach the right people for

30:23

your and I'll say it again B2B

30:25

business with LinkedIn ads That's

30:27

even better because LinkedIn will give you a $100 credit

30:29

on your next campaign Hey,

30:32

go just go to linkedin.com/team Coco

30:34

to claim your credit That's linkedin.com/team

30:37

Coco terms and conditions apply

30:39

linkedin the place to be to

30:41

be Well,

30:52

I think we should move on to the

30:54

crux of the evening shall we not let yeah I

30:57

think it's time that we brought out

30:59

our surprise guest for the evening and to

31:01

do that I think

31:03

we should set the tone set the mood. So

31:06

why don't we who is it? You're

31:08

about to Why don't

31:10

I take you backstage and talk about

31:12

it? Who is

31:14

it? That chilled

31:16

me. That and stop Okay,

31:22

let's set the tone. Let's dim the

31:24

lights and yes, let's dim the

31:26

lights and get the band to play some nice mood

31:29

music here Hello

31:40

California Hello

31:57

California, I'm John C. Riley

32:05

And I feel fucking

32:08

stoked about being Colleen

32:10

O'Brien's friend. Damn!

32:30

This crowd was very happy to see you,

32:32

Mr. Riley. I know. I

32:37

feel like I kind of shot my wad up there. I

32:40

don't have much else to say. Well

32:43

that's fine, that was enough. Again, we're just getting

32:46

room tone. I have to

32:48

say, I was thrilled when I found out that

32:50

you were able to do this. And this man

32:52

is shooting, he's always busy because he's in the

32:54

high demand, shooting a movie and then his company

32:56

called and said they're not going to let him

32:58

out for this movie and this man said, no,

33:00

no, no, I want to do it and moved

33:02

everything so he could be here tonight. A

33:08

lot of people are out of work right now

33:12

because of your selfish actions. I have to

33:15

go back because the whole film crew are

33:17

just sitting around like not working right now

33:19

down the street. You

33:23

know, we have a lot to talk about. It's

33:25

funny because we've chatted a bunch of times, we have a

33:28

bunch of things in common. It's

33:30

hard to know where to begin with you because you've had a

33:32

unique career. You've managed to

33:34

play so many incredible roles and

33:36

so many different types of roles. And

33:39

we're going to get into- You want to say, you can't believe I made

33:41

it this far? Yeah,

33:45

that's the old Kevin Nealon. That's

33:48

all he ever says to me is I can't

33:50

believe you made it this far. And

33:53

he means it. But you and

33:55

I are both from- I'm one of six.

33:57

I'm one of six kids. How's that mine? family

34:00

and you are one of six

34:02

one of six fifth of six fifth of six

34:04

I was third of sixth and I've got do

34:07

you think birth order makes a huge difference oh

34:09

yeah oh yeah the middle the

34:11

middle ones which in our families was

34:13

two through five are like

34:16

hey I exist that

34:18

was me yeah and that is me tonight

34:20

too that's my whole life

34:23

story is look at me everyone don't write

34:25

me off and it's been that way since

34:27

I was a kid you still got it

34:29

man you still got it Conan I want

34:31

you warm up this beautiful crowd

34:35

this whole podcast thing I love because it's almost like

34:37

you know when I watched your show on TV I

34:39

always thought like what's it like when they

34:41

just sit around and shoot the shit like

34:44

in the room when they're coming up with ideas that's

34:46

what you really want to see after a while and

34:48

here we're getting to see it yeah it's

34:50

been it's been mistimed

34:52

woo that's

34:55

a sub hub has too much confidence

34:59

but like but when you know I don't know how much Catholicism

35:01

played a role in your life growing up

35:04

but I know it was it had a

35:06

huge huge influence on me

35:08

you might think you're done with Catholicism

35:10

but it ain't done with you yeah

35:13

what was your did you have did

35:15

you go to like a Catholic

35:17

school I know you have a construction

35:20

where you know the nuns had the

35:22

whole outfit it was insane I

35:25

went to CCD which I don't

35:27

even know if they do this anymore but in Chicago on

35:30

the south side where I grew up on

35:32

Wednesday afternoon if you

35:34

were in public school like I was they

35:37

would let everyone out of school to go to

35:39

the Catholic school to learn to be Catholics but

35:42

the whole afternoon and there were like always

35:44

like three kids that were like I'm Arab

35:47

Muslim whatever like I guess

35:49

I'll just sit here and draw pictures while

35:51

you guys are learning to be Catholics down

35:54

the street yeah so I

35:56

I was the full full was

35:59

it strict how strict What kind of strict was it? Uh,

36:02

Catholicism. No. Not Catholicism. It's

36:06

known to be rather strict. I heard it. Pretty much whatever

36:08

you want to do. You

36:12

know, in a weird way it is, actually. As

36:15

long as you say, I'm

36:17

sorry. I'm sorry? Yeah. I'm

36:20

never doing it. Bless me, Father, for I severed someone's

36:22

head. I mean, I really

36:24

think that. Like, my dad and all his brothers and

36:26

stuff, like, their attitude was like,

36:29

yeah, I know the church says this and

36:31

this and this, but, you know, we

36:33

fuck up. You know? And

36:36

so I thought that was kind of a great, you

36:38

know, I don't know, there's a little bit

36:40

of flexibility there in practice, but in dogma.

36:43

No, no, no. But what about when you went

36:45

to the school? Because some people didn't really happen

36:47

in my era, but I know

36:49

that there were people that would say, and

36:52

I think it did happen in my era, but just not in

36:54

the CCD classes that I went to. But they said that, oh,

36:56

the nun would like corporal punishment that hit you with

36:58

a rule or that kind of thing. Did you ever see anything like

37:01

that? Not at

37:03

CCD. Yeah. Because CCD, you know, we

37:05

were public school kids, we were like,

37:07

why don't you, don't you touch me?

37:09

And it was, for the most part,

37:11

was taught by lay people, believe it

37:13

or not. That's non-caf, or non-priests or

37:15

whatever. You

37:17

know, I had this one moment where I was like, I

37:20

don't think I've ever told anyone this publicly,

37:22

but just between you and

37:24

I. He

37:27

went to the opera boxes. I've

37:31

been doing plays since I was eight years old, and

37:33

I always wanted to be on stage. And

37:36

at a certain point in CCD, they said, would

37:39

anyone like to volunteer to be an altar boy?

37:42

And I was like, holy shit, it's my

37:44

chance to get on the

37:46

biggest stage of all, God's stage.

37:49

Man, make sure I'm a stage hand, but

37:51

I'll be up there. And I was

37:53

like, I would like to. And

37:56

then the day came when my teacher was like,

37:58

OK, John. You're

38:00

gonna go see pastor Ruzniewski or whatever

38:02

his name was. He's gonna talk to you

38:04

about being an altar boy And I was like

38:07

just me and she's like yeah, just

38:09

go to the rectory and I was like, oh,

38:12

okay And I went out of that classroom and

38:14

I walked down some stairs and I

38:16

was like, oh fuck No, and I went out the door and

38:18

went home I'm

38:20

not meeting with a man alone No,

38:24

no, no Not this

38:26

one I

38:30

was the wrong kid But

38:35

when I went to Catholic high school I

38:38

was taught by the Christian brothers and they

38:40

used to beat the shit out of you.

38:42

Seriously? Yeah, they would wail on you

38:44

for seemingly innocuous

38:46

things Like what they used

38:48

there. I mean, I don't wanna get too grabbed but like you were

38:50

did you? Yeah,

38:53

like that kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, you

38:55

make it look like three Stooges, which is Less

38:58

toxic when you do that. Yeah It

39:03

all seems kind of more fun rather

39:05

than being brutalized Laughing

39:09

up everybody was a more I know we

39:11

lived in okay a good crowd when they're

39:13

like A

39:16

child was hurt I'm

39:19

gonna change the tone by saying that

39:21

you contemplated going to clown

39:23

college You didn't follow through you contemplated

39:26

it. You must have read my Wikipedia.

39:28

I did know I hired

39:30

someone to do it for me So

39:34

I could nap up until 11 minutes ago

39:38

Well, yeah I went to acting school after college

39:40

that the Paul University and then I was

39:43

like I was I was actually Speaking

39:46

of the Catholic Church when in that in

39:48

those early days when I was a teenager.

39:51

I was part of clown ministry

39:54

What that's not a thing. It is a

39:56

thing. They were tricking you somehow Now

40:00

take off your pants. No, no. Oh! Put

40:04

on the clown makeup. No,

40:06

it wasn't like that. Actually, you know, to tell

40:08

you the truth... And

40:11

there go the opera boxes. Plenty

40:15

of room now. The truth

40:17

is, I mean, I took all the best stuff

40:19

of Catholicism. I was like, do unto others. Yeah,

40:21

I'm done with that. And what's all the scary

40:23

blood of the lamb bullshit? I don't even know

40:26

what that is. I'm just gonna ignore that. I

40:28

just took all the positive things. And I like that.

40:31

I like the community of it. But,

40:34

yeah, I was in clown ministry, which... I've

40:37

never heard of that. I've never

40:39

heard that in the segue. So

40:42

they teach you to be a clown. They actually

40:45

taught us, like, really how to be clowns. This

40:47

is how you do the makeup. This is the

40:49

rules of being a clown, everything. And

40:51

then we would go to, like, nursing

40:54

homes or street fairs or whatever. We

40:56

would just...wherever clowns were needed, you know?

41:04

911, we need a clown in here. One

41:08

car, 70 clowns. Can you get him down here? Yeah.

41:14

So, yeah. So anyway, cut to... I've

41:17

been doing musicals since I was eight years old, all

41:19

the way through high school, did musicals. Then

41:22

I went to the serious acting school. And then at the end

41:24

of that, I was like, what am I going to do? I

41:26

kind of want to get out of Chicago. I'll

41:28

go to clown college, which

41:30

was a thing. It doesn't exist anymore. But the

41:32

Ringling Brothers Circus had a thing called the Clown

41:35

College down in Florida. And you'd go down there

41:37

and they would teach you how to... further

41:39

teach you how to be a clown. And

41:42

then you'd join the circus. You'd get, like,

41:44

a five-year contract with the circus. And

41:46

I was like, awesome. That's, like, a

41:48

job for five years. Perfect. And then

41:51

some guy who actually taught clowning at the acting school pulled

41:53

me aside. He's like, did I hear you say

41:55

you were talking about going to clown college? I

41:58

said, yeah. And he's like... You know

42:00

what happens. I'm

42:03

Catholic. I know her already. No. No,

42:07

he said, if you go, sure, they give you free

42:09

room and board, and they teach you how to be

42:11

a clown, they give you a job. But

42:13

you spent about four years shoveling

42:15

elephant shit in the worst

42:18

train car of all of them. It's not,

42:20

you know, and I was like, okay, never

42:22

mind. I'll do theater. Yeah. So you

42:24

chose your profession, so you didn't have to

42:27

shovel elephant shit. It's funny.

42:29

You did a lot of, I'm sure, dramatic work

42:31

early on. But you're such

42:33

a good comic actor. You do

42:35

both extremely well. I

42:38

remember when... I

42:41

know you've done so many iconic movies, but

42:45

one of my favorites that you've done

42:47

is your role in Boogie Nights. And

42:51

I'll tell you why. Yeah. I'll

42:54

tell you why. It's because I think your

42:57

relationship with Mark Wahlberg

42:59

in that movie is maybe one of the best

43:01

depictions of a friendship that I've ever seen. Don't

43:03

you? Do you know what I mean? Like when

43:05

I see... I don't see, yeah. When you guys

43:07

meet at the pool and you

43:09

start talking, that is

43:12

one of the best depictions of how a

43:14

real friendship forms in cinema. What do you

43:16

bench? Yeah, but you know what I mean?

43:20

I've always loved that part of the movie, and then

43:22

to watch you go through that whole thing together, I

43:24

thought was the real heart of the movie. Thank you.

43:26

Thank you very much, Conan. You know, Paul Anderson used

43:28

to laugh all the time when we were making... After

43:31

the movie was done. By the way, there's a

43:33

new 70 millimeter print of that movie, which if

43:36

you get a chance to see it, it's a

43:38

revelation. But anyway, he goes,

43:40

you started off the day with Dirk

43:42

saying, you know, what do you bench?

43:44

People tell me I look like Han

43:46

Solo. By the end

43:48

of that day, you're saying, want

43:50

to hear a poem I wrote? Yeah. That's

43:53

great, but that's what an arc in one

43:55

day. And then of course,

43:57

when you guys are writing a song together. Oh, yeah.

44:00

I always do a fact of that and

44:02

I always want you to hear

44:04

more of that song. Yeah,

44:08

well, I don't know if you really

44:10

want to hear more of that song. No, I don't.

44:12

You've worked with everybody. You worked with

44:15

Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs in New York. And

44:17

I have to ask you about that because I'm

44:21

just in awe of that

44:23

guy and curious what he's really like. I've

44:25

always heard he's extremely method. Yes,

44:28

very, very method. In fact, on

44:30

that movie, he got pneumonia because

44:33

he would not wear a warm coat

44:37

on the set. He would only wear his costume

44:39

and it was freezing cold when we were shooting

44:41

in Italy, but for some reason he got pneumonia.

44:44

Anyway, he had a little son

44:46

at the time and I had a little son at

44:48

the time. And he said, and

44:50

somehow I got word through intermediaries.

44:54

Daniel would like to invite you to the house

44:56

this weekend with your son because his son is

44:59

here and blah, blah, blah. I was like, okay,

45:01

wow. You could have asked me

45:03

himself, but okay. And

45:06

so I go to this house that he's

45:08

living in outside of Rome and he's

45:11

so lovely. We walk in. He's like, oh, hello, John.

45:13

Would you like a cup of tea? You know, the

45:15

kids are in the back and is there anything else?

45:18

Like the most gentle, you

45:21

know, really

45:23

just hospitable guy, you know? And I

45:25

was like, wow, I had this guy

45:27

pegged all wrong. So

45:30

the kids play. We had this lovely time. I

45:32

did have a cup of tea with them and

45:34

just the most gentle soul. And

45:36

then on Monday I went to

45:38

work and

45:42

I was like, I'm in with Daniel. I

45:45

was at his house this weekend. Our

45:48

kids play, you know. And

45:51

I saw him walking around

45:53

the dressing rooms and I was like, hey, I

45:56

want to say thanks a lot for Saturday. It

45:58

was really lovely. Fuck

46:00

off, Jack. He calls me

46:02

my character's name. In

46:06

his accent. And

46:08

I was like, oh right, right. Never

46:10

mind, never mind. There's

46:12

something about that guy, he has this like,

46:14

I don't know if I, I could probably

46:17

take him or at least get a couple

46:19

of good shots in. Sure, I say that

46:21

about everybody. Yeah, and I'm always wrong. Now

46:23

that I think about it, he's trained for

46:25

the boxer, probably, we probably knocked him out

46:27

immediately, but anyway. Physically,

46:29

you look at him, you're like, I have a

46:31

shot against that guy, but there's something

46:33

about him, this violence that's

46:35

coursing just under the eyeballs.

46:37

You're like, oh fuck, I do

46:40

not want to be able to fight with that guy. I

46:42

do not want to fight him. So

46:44

he has this menace. Really,

46:47

he's like making shoes now or something.

46:49

I, one of

46:51

the shows that I shot, this

46:53

travel show that's on, not Netflix,

46:55

sorry Netflix, but Max, Netflix is

46:57

a joke. Nice!

47:04

And they immediately shut us down. But

47:07

one of the episodes was in, was

47:09

in this part, we were in this little town in Ireland

47:11

on the sea and we're there to

47:13

shoot something at a lighthouse and someone says, oh

47:15

yeah, Daniel Day Lewis lives in this town and

47:17

he makes shoes. Like,

47:19

the greatest actor in the world, and

47:22

I really wanted to go in there and

47:24

just buy a pair of shoes from Daniel

47:26

Day Lewis and then return them five minutes

47:29

later. Not

47:31

quite what I wanted. Try

47:34

again. Take

47:37

two. Take

47:40

two on my loafers. I

47:43

really respect that though, because, you know, in all

47:45

seriousness, being an actor, you know,

47:47

if you play the violin, the violin gets

47:50

a little banged up, gets fucked up, you

47:52

take it to the luthier, and, sorry I'm

47:54

swearing a lot, there's children here, but, you

47:56

take it to the luthier and they fix

47:58

the violin. When

48:00

you're an actor you're the violin and

48:02

you get knocked around and your heart gets broken

48:04

and even though you're only pretty You know like

48:07

when you drink Diet Coke your body

48:09

still has a diabetic response because it

48:11

thinks it's sugar Well

48:14

when you pretend to do traumatic things

48:17

your body thinks it's real and

48:19

your soul thinks it's real So there's

48:22

a lot of baggage. So I actually

48:24

really respect Daniel and I completely understand

48:26

the craving for a simpler

48:29

life where you just work on stuff

48:31

and no one's asked you to change

48:33

clothes and you know, I Heard

48:40

because I'm such a you know Lincoln

48:42

ophile that on the set of Lincoln and

48:44

I thought his depiction of Abraham Lincoln was

48:46

insanely good Just like the Abe

48:48

I knew No,

48:52

I know it's so stupid no, I looked at my

48:54

money and then I was like that's good Looks

48:59

like the guy on the insurance company That's

49:02

a fiver No,

49:04

he was just so amazing But I've always heard that

49:07

in the death scene like that He stayed in Lincoln

49:09

the whole time and that people were saying things like,

49:11

you know, like they embalmed him

49:13

or no He

49:16

insisted he wanted to be embalmed and they

49:19

did he was very sick for a

49:21

long time I'm retired but just you know people would

49:23

say that you see on TV last night I don't

49:25

much about this television you're talking, you know, he was

49:27

doing that for months I guess and then he dies

49:30

at the end of the movie spoiler alert and then

49:33

Has to he had to like come out of it,

49:36

which is so intense Yeah, you know I when

49:38

I was working with him I thought like man,

49:40

that's a lot of work to

49:43

do that much off-camera Yeah But

49:45

whatever it takes, you know every actor is

49:48

different some people can just kind of clown

49:50

around and then Turn it on and and

49:52

some people need to live it or else

49:54

they feel like total douche man I

49:57

don't mind being a douche. I Seriously,

50:00

I would be the kind of actor, I'm

50:02

not an actor, but if I was, I would just be the kind

50:04

that, just tell me, am I smiling

50:07

or am I frowning in the scene? And

50:09

have someone hold- Faster or slower? Yeah,

50:11

faster, slower, smiling or frowning, and have

50:13

the lines right off camera. I

50:16

love you. I hate you.

50:20

And Oscar. I gotta

50:22

tell you, it ain't that different

50:24

than what you just described. I have to

50:26

say. I

50:28

want to talk to you about your show, which is

50:30

incredible. It's a live show,

50:32

Mr. Romantic. And I know

50:35

you've been doing it at Largo, which

50:37

is one of the greatest venues. You're home away

50:39

from home. I love Largo, and you've been doing

50:41

this show. And tell me about the show, because

50:43

it really sounds magical. Well, Mr. Romantic is a

50:46

thing I started doing a little over a year

50:48

ago, after I finished this big TV job, I

50:50

was like, I need to do something that means

50:52

something to me. And I was looking at the

50:54

world, and I was full of despair

50:57

and joy. But

51:03

mostly despair, let's be real. Been

51:06

a real doozy of a couple of years, hasn't it,

51:08

folks? Yeah, it has been. Anyway,

51:10

I thought, I'm not good

51:13

at picketing or whatever, get out the

51:15

vote thing, but God bless you if

51:17

you're doing that, because it's important. But

51:19

I'm like, what can I do? And I was

51:22

like, I can make people laugh. I can dance

51:24

a little bit. I can sing songs. So

51:26

I created this vaudeville show called Mr.

51:28

Romantic. And it's essentially like

51:31

this mythical character that comes out of a

51:33

box and it says, hello, I'm Mr. Romantic.

51:35

I don't remember what happened before. All I

51:37

know is when I come out of, all

51:40

I know is I have to stay in that box. And

51:42

when I come out of that box, I have to put it on

51:44

the show. And I don't have to

51:46

go back into the box if

51:49

I can get one person to

51:52

love me forever. And

51:55

then I proceed to do this show. I sing

51:57

all these unrequited love songs and I goof around.

52:00

I go out into the audience and I try

52:02

to meet people and I fail over and over

52:04

again But somehow at the end of it people

52:06

walk out feeling like really nourished

52:08

in their souls, you know And that was the whole

52:10

point of doing it. So there's a lot you

52:12

come see it some yeah, there's a lot of I

52:15

mean you're very It's

52:17

kind of an extension of mr. Cellophane. Yes.

52:19

Yeah, I was gonna say that for mr.

52:21

Cellophane and There's

52:24

a lot of theater people that Music's

52:30

a big part of your life and and

52:33

I've actually hung out backstage It's and I've run

52:35

into you randomly at some music venues where it's

52:38

just clearly like okay We both love music. We

52:40

both love the same kind of music and Jack

52:42

white Jack white and

52:46

You know one of his tunes he must have

52:48

been you special permission. We did

52:50

we did when we started the podcast I

52:53

thought that is the perfect song for

52:55

the podcast So had the luxury of having

52:57

his number and called up and asked if

52:59

we could do it I sent him a

53:01

video from my dressing room here complaining about

53:03

the couch and how was upholstered Because

53:07

I don't know if you know, but Jack

53:09

had an upholstery company Yeah Young man He

53:11

was he was an upholsterer for an apprentice to

53:13

an upholsterer and upholsterer for the early part

53:15

of his life as most rock musicians are

53:22

Yeah, just like But

53:26

you have a band right? Yeah, it's a

53:28

folk band. Well, yes, that's

53:30

another band that's I haven't done that in

53:32

a little while But John Riley and friends.

53:34

Yeah, we do like bluegrass and old Americana

53:37

kind of tunes But I'm fully committed to

53:39

mr. Romantic right now and I do have

53:41

an amazing quartet of musicians David guards of

53:44

Sebastian Steinberg Gabe Wisher who was in the

53:46

punch brothers But I've eaten Sebastian weren't around

53:48

Fiona apples last record. So it's

53:50

a real cracker Jack outfit I got behind

53:53

me. I haven't heard cracker Jack outfit in

53:55

a very long time We're

53:57

a real cracker Jack outfit. We are wait till I get

53:59

to moxie I

54:02

also want to compliment your style for

54:05

you for years now look at this man's

54:07

style yeah

54:15

yeah all right give me a work it

54:18

you know I was on Ellen DeGeneres once

54:21

and and she for

54:23

some reason that beforehand this is gonna

54:25

cause some fucking viral shit I'm

54:29

warning you that's all right but yeah I

54:31

was on Ellen DeGeneres this show and beforehand

54:33

they asked me in the pre-interview like what

54:35

would you say is your best attribute like

54:39

physical attribute and I was like I hate

54:42

myself I don't I

54:45

don't have any favorite things and then

54:47

I was like give them an answer and I

54:50

was like above a couple people said you have a

54:52

nice but you know like and

54:54

then they asked me like 15 other questions and

54:56

then I got out there with Ellen and she's

54:58

like I heard you have

55:00

a quite a nice but may I see

55:04

it Wow and

55:06

I was like wait

55:08

a minute and

55:12

I stood up on national television did this

55:14

I was

55:20

wearing these baggy old jeans like I

55:22

look like I had no but it

55:26

looked terrible but I walked away from that I was like

55:28

what if I was a girl and she was

55:31

a guy how

55:33

would that go down anyway do you have a nice but

55:35

I do have a

55:38

very nice but I don't I have no ass

55:41

and Sona you've seen this you haven't seen the

55:43

actual I was making it listen there was a

55:45

time there no no no not that there

55:55

was a time when you were my assistant yes

55:57

when literally you'd be there I'd be like you

55:59

know whatever or boxer briefs or whatever, and

56:01

you would say, you

56:03

have not cleared this up. What are you doing?

56:06

Stop talking. This is the viral moment right

56:08

here. Yes, you know what? You should show everyone

56:10

your ass so that they know. No, there's nothing there.

56:13

There's no ass. Yeah.

56:18

Oh, good. How'd

56:26

that feel? I loved it. The

56:29

only, I felt for the first time

56:31

validated about my body. My point,

56:33

Sona, was that you had a lot of

56:36

fun about the fact that I clearly had

56:38

nothing back there. It's a straight drop. It

56:41

might even go in a little. It goes

56:43

in a bit. Yeah. There's a

56:45

shelf, and I keep rare

56:47

coins and humble figurines. Yeah, it's

56:49

a negative ass. Yeah. The

56:52

cliffs of Dover. And

56:57

just as white. Chalky white. Chalky

56:59

white, right down to the sea. But

57:02

you also wear hats. I'm not a hat guy. I

57:05

don't, I just can't pull off a hat. You

57:07

look fantastic. Thank

57:10

you very much. Yeah,

57:12

well, I always loved hats when I

57:14

was a kid, which is kind of an actor cliche

57:16

a little bit, like being into hats. My

57:20

dad had this one black felt

57:22

hat that looked like a robber. We used to call it

57:25

the robber's hat. And when my dad, he

57:27

kept it in this closet and this very high shelf.

57:29

And when he would leave the house, he'd be like,

57:31

let's play with the robber's hat. So

57:34

I don't know, it's one of those things, you probably

57:36

have something like this, like a thing you couldn't have

57:38

when you were a kid. And when you

57:40

got some money, you're like, I'm getting the hats.

57:42

You know, like that was me. For

57:45

me, it's guns, lots of guns. I

57:50

have so many guns everywhere. Oh,

57:54

dude. Definitely not a gun guy. When

58:00

I was a kid, I just wanted

58:02

the nerdiest things. I mostly wanted like,

58:05

I want a briefcase to keep papers in.

58:09

With a hand cup on the handbook. But

58:12

I had no papers and I also wanted

58:14

stamps to stamp papers. And

58:16

like other kids were out throwing a

58:18

football around and I was like, I've

58:20

got to get through these papers. And

58:23

the papers did nothing. And

58:26

I was like, stamp, stamp. I've got

58:28

some stamps. And I used to say, I'll

58:30

be at my desk. And

58:34

I was just, my dream was to be

58:36

a mid-level bureaucrat in

58:38

like Soviet era Russia. Yeah, you should

58:41

have grown up in the Soviet world.

58:43

Well, we'll see. We'll come back tomorrow.

58:45

I'll talk to the directorate. Stamp, stamp.

58:47

Did you ever

58:49

have a thing when you were young where you

58:51

lied about something so much that you started to

58:54

believe yourself that it was true? I

58:56

convinced myself and a number of

58:58

my friends that I was getting

59:00

a chimpanzee. They're like, what? I'm

59:04

like, yep. My

59:07

parents are getting me one for my birthday. No

59:09

way. Where are you going to keep it? And I was like, keep lying.

59:12

We're going to build a habitat

59:14

in my bedroom. And I said

59:16

it so many times. I was like, I

59:19

actually am going to get a chimpanzee. This

59:21

is a real, this could happen. Like didn't

59:23

happen. And it turns out they're very dangerous once

59:25

they grow up. Oh, no. They

59:28

tear your face off. Tear your face off. You

59:30

can't have a chimpanzee. No. I

59:32

did a scene. Well, I did. In

59:34

fact, I think we shot some of it here.

59:36

This movie, Walk Hard. Yeah. This

59:39

movie, Walk Hard. I had so many crazy

59:42

days on that movie. And

59:44

one day I made out with

59:47

Cheryl Ladd, Cheryl

59:49

Teague, a

59:51

playboy playmate. This is

59:53

all on the same day and a chimpanzee. Wow.

59:56

It was a little baby chimpanzee. And it was like this

59:59

scene where I'm like... You

1:00:01

know, I was supposed to be like, I've lost

1:00:03

everyone. All I have left is my monkey, like

1:00:05

Elvis or whatever, you know. Elvis had a

1:00:08

monkey called, a chimpanzee called Scatter. I do

1:00:10

know that. Because he would make

1:00:12

everyone run away reaching up their

1:00:14

skirts and stuff anyway. Gross.

1:00:16

He went to jail that chimp. Don't worry about

1:00:18

it. No, it's much sadder actually.

1:00:20

I know. I can't believe I

1:00:23

know these stories too. That's the saddest part. Everything.

1:00:25

The minute you brought up Elvis' chimp, I'm like,

1:00:28

yeah, Scatter. Yeah, I used to lift up skirts

1:00:30

and parties. What happened

1:00:32

to Scatter? How did he die? Scatter

1:00:34

froze to death in this cage outside

1:00:36

of Graceland because the housekeepers refused to

1:00:38

deal with him after a while. Sorry.

1:00:43

But anyway, my story. Hold it.

1:00:46

I want to brighten that up just a little bit. Before

1:00:49

Scatter froze to death, when

1:00:52

Elvis and his Memphis Mafia were living in

1:00:54

Beverly Hills, they thought it was really funny.

1:00:56

They bought a tricked out car that had

1:00:58

a fake steering wheel and they

1:01:00

put Scatter behind the wheel and someone

1:01:02

else controlled the car and they would

1:01:04

drive through Beverly Hills and it looked

1:01:06

like Scatter was driving a car, a

1:01:09

real car through Beverly Hills. Any

1:01:12

chimp that can have that experience. Look,

1:01:15

so he froze to death. I still think he had a

1:01:18

good ride. Thank you. And applause

1:01:21

and out. Well, I'll try to keep

1:01:23

this story quick now. I believe you're

1:01:25

the only person I know that will

1:01:27

talk about this shit with me. Oh

1:01:29

yeah. Wait till

1:01:31

we get to the Beatles. They

1:01:36

had an alpaca. Yeah the whole Maharishi scene.

1:01:38

That was wild. So I'm

1:01:40

doing this scene in Walk Hard. There's this

1:01:42

little chimpanzee and the thing in the script

1:01:45

was written like, he's so

1:01:47

low. He's like, all I have

1:01:50

left is you bubbles

1:01:52

or whatever. That was Michael Jackson's

1:01:54

chimp. Don't

1:01:56

worry, only happy memories there. any

1:02:02

shot you take hits the mother lode so

1:02:07

uh... this is a very cute very young

1:02:09

chimpanzee with a little pink face and the

1:02:11

look you know and uh... i

1:02:13

don't know what his name was i don't remember now

1:02:15

but the rv

1:02:18

wine scene he's

1:02:22

doing it so why can't i throw one out oh

1:02:27

boy i'm not going to have an animal

1:02:30

uh... no so this scene was supposed to be

1:02:32

the same i'll be all i have is you

1:02:34

thank you for still being my friend and

1:02:36

we did a couple takes like that was

1:02:38

really cute i love chimpanzees you know and

1:02:41

jake hasn't the director comes up to me like john you

1:02:43

know with the how cute

1:02:45

the chimp is and how sentimental what

1:02:47

you're saying is this is like it's

1:02:49

like marshmallow on marshmallow it's just not

1:02:51

not funny it's not really playing how

1:02:54

about you go after him so

1:02:56

i did that i end up in providing this

1:02:58

line like pocket scatter all you care about it

1:03:00

such as the neatant you

1:03:04

never supported me either and

1:03:06

i thought we turned and in an angry

1:03:08

way and this little chip and you know

1:03:11

that this and

1:03:14

then run away uh... and i

1:03:16

go we had another one i do

1:03:18

another and they like the chip is

1:03:20

not hiding in the back of the bus that we're shooting on

1:03:23

and i know it's awful i thought believe

1:03:26

me i really should have froze to death this one

1:03:30

one just got his feelings hurt and chilling at the

1:03:32

back of an air condition but his

1:03:36

proportionality here and he wouldn't he wouldn't

1:03:38

come back in the trainers like you

1:03:40

you have to apologize and

1:03:43

i was like absolutely uh... i'm so

1:03:45

sorry i'm sorry i didn't mean it

1:03:47

we're still friends uh... we're

1:03:49

actors you see and that

1:03:53

party was just like their eyes by the

1:03:55

way we look in their eyes it's freaky

1:03:58

yeah it really is like a human human

1:04:00

eyes in there. I don't

1:04:04

know why I reacted that way. I'm so sorry.

1:04:06

I don't know why I reacted like that. No

1:04:10

need to apologize. It's a normal

1:04:12

conversation. What

1:04:15

if I, should he have bird-like

1:04:17

eyes? Yeah. Anyway, we had to

1:04:20

do a couple more takes. And

1:04:22

finally, he kept

1:04:24

going. When I would

1:04:27

turn on him, and I

1:04:29

was like, why does he keep smiling? And

1:04:31

he's like, that's not smiling, John. He's

1:04:33

about to bite you. Okay,

1:04:36

we're done with that scene. Anyway,

1:04:38

it's in the movie, I think. So he, but he,

1:04:40

you were never attacked by now. No, no, I felt

1:04:42

bad, but I made up with him.

1:04:44

Yep. He was all right. Although he's a little like, who

1:04:48

the fuck are you now? Yeah. Do

1:04:50

you guys ever hang now? Now that it's all behind

1:04:52

you? No, I don't think

1:04:55

it's really a thing that's allowed

1:04:57

anymore. Honestly, I

1:05:01

think there's laws about animals and the way you

1:05:03

can use them in filming situations. I don't think

1:05:05

that's allowed. And I just, I'm a hundred percent

1:05:07

behind that. You're not allowed to befriend an animal.

1:05:10

That's a union rule. No, you

1:05:12

can't like keep a baby chip in a truck and be

1:05:14

like, all right, bring them out and have John be mean

1:05:16

to him. You're like, that's not allowed

1:05:19

anymore. Well, different times

1:05:21

folks. I want to

1:05:23

make sure I get the word out. More information

1:05:25

and tickets for Mr. romantic

1:05:27

can be found at mrromantic.com.

1:05:31

You know, when we do these live shows in a

1:05:33

big venue, I always think you need the right kind

1:05:35

of guest. And when I found out that it was

1:05:37

a possibility that you would do it, I was like,

1:05:40

thank the Lord. I would call it for

1:05:43

you. This is a, you're fantastic. You're

1:05:45

a great raconteur. You're a fantastic

1:05:47

actor and you've been a good friend to me

1:05:49

and I appreciate it. Ladies and gentlemen,

1:05:51

there's no one better. I

1:06:03

love live events. You love them. I really do.

1:06:05

Yep. And I love that feeling

1:06:07

when you, you know you got the best

1:06:09

deal on a seat. Yeah. I'm sitting in

1:06:11

a seat and I got a really good

1:06:13

deal on it. Nothing beats attending a live

1:06:16

event. Well, SeatGeek site is easy to navigate,

1:06:18

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That's cool. This freaks me out, man.

1:06:37

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1:06:39

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Get tickets on SeatGeek now. This

1:07:03

show is sponsored by BetterHoop. We

1:07:06

all sometimes have issues or things we

1:07:08

need to talk about, get off our chest. I have that all the

1:07:10

time, don't you, Sona? I do. Yeah,

1:07:12

and we need people to talk to. And we

1:07:14

carry around different stressors. We carry big

1:07:17

stressors. We carry small stressors. I

1:07:19

was raised in a culture where you're supposed to kind of

1:07:21

bottle it up and I've learned over time that that's not

1:07:23

the best thing to do. If you

1:07:25

do let things rattle around

1:07:28

in there for a while without talking

1:07:30

it out, it can affect your life

1:07:32

very negatively. Well, therapy is a

1:07:34

safe space where you can get things

1:07:36

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1:07:38

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1:07:40

If you're thinking of starting therapy, give

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I don't know, I've got to find

1:07:55

the person, talk to them. What if I,

1:07:57

it's not a good match. I, then it's

1:07:59

awkward. None of that. You

1:08:01

just fill out a brief questionnaire to

1:08:03

get matched with a licensed therapist and

1:08:05

then you switch therapists anytime for no

1:08:07

additional charge. So get it

1:08:09

off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/Conan

1:08:12

today to get 10% off your first

1:08:14

month. That's

1:08:16

BetterHelp, H-E-L-P

1:08:19

dot com slash Conan. I

1:08:31

do love that man. I really do. It took

1:08:33

everything in me not to bring up stepbrothers. I know,

1:08:35

I know. Yeah, because that movie is so

1:08:37

important to my life. It took everything for

1:08:39

me not to bring up the first chimp

1:08:41

that went into space. What

1:08:46

happened to the first chimp that went into space? Take

1:08:48

a guess, he didn't come back. I

1:08:50

didn't know that. I think he's still out

1:08:53

there. Well, he is. He might be alive.

1:08:55

No. Wait, you have to,

1:08:57

you can't just say that and then move on.

1:08:59

What did you guys do the whole time you

1:09:01

kept talking about dead chimps? I didn't

1:09:03

know there was a chimp who sent it up there. The

1:09:05

US, the Soviets, who sent it up? I think we both did,

1:09:07

didn't we? Yeah, we had to do

1:09:09

the chimp before... What?

1:09:11

You go, it goes like mouse, dog,

1:09:14

chimp, human. Before you do human. Right.

1:09:17

Yeah, you got to make sure the chimp came back. But I

1:09:19

love that chimps all came back. I don't think so. I

1:09:21

don't think they did. Well, I know. I'm

1:09:23

not sure. Remember

1:09:25

the... No, I think the chimps came back. Did the

1:09:27

chimps come back? No, they didn't. What kind of people

1:09:30

are you? This is Wikipedia. Yeah.

1:09:33

We have a recreation of Wikipedia right

1:09:35

here. Okay, well, maybe they

1:09:37

didn't come back. Maybe they crash-landed, thought

1:09:39

they were safe in Elvis's yard. Oh.

1:09:44

Sorry. See, that's

1:09:47

kind of one of those O. Henry endings where they

1:09:49

think we're okay now. And

1:09:51

then they freeze to death later after

1:09:53

being forced to perform at parties. Look. I

1:09:57

think you're going to think about that on the ride home and really

1:09:59

enjoy it. You got it, chimp. It's a chimp. And

1:10:02

a lot of laughs here, they can't all be winners. Okay,

1:10:06

well, we have a nice little thing

1:10:08

where we have some pre-selected voicemails that

1:10:10

we're going to take. Okay. These

1:10:12

are real voicemails that are going to happen right

1:10:14

now. Yeah. Piper. Hi,

1:10:17

Piper. How are you? Is it

1:10:19

on? Oh. Yes.

1:10:22

Yes. It would be kind of stupid if it didn't work.

1:10:24

Yeah. Hi, Piper. How are you?

1:10:27

I'm good. How are you? Should

1:10:29

I just ask the question? Sure. Yeah. Okay.

1:10:33

So nice to meet you. First of all. Nice to

1:10:35

meet you too, Piper. Can I ask where you're from? I'm from here, Los

1:10:37

Angeles, Culver City. Okay. Very

1:10:40

nice. Very nice. Fun fact about me,

1:10:42

I work at a trendy grocery store called

1:10:44

Erewhon. I don't know if you've heard of

1:10:46

it. Yes. I've had your

1:10:48

$90 carrot. Oh, good. What do you think? A

1:10:51

little... Worth every $90 I spent on it. I

1:10:56

go to Erewhon and just look and go like,

1:10:58

oh my God, this is incredible. That's $47.99 per

1:11:00

minute. Exactly. Yeah.

1:11:03

And then I have to... You have to cosign alone

1:11:05

to get... But it's quite fantastic. My hats off to

1:11:08

this incredible thing you guys have done with food. It's

1:11:12

a fun time to work there. So

1:11:14

as an Erewhon employee, I'm curious about

1:11:16

your smoothie taste. We already

1:11:18

have Hailey Bieber's Skin Glaze smoothie and

1:11:21

we also have Olivia Rodrigo's Good For

1:11:23

Your Guts smoothie. And we

1:11:25

might need another one soon. Yeah, because everyone

1:11:27

wants to know my beauty secret. Well,

1:11:31

there you go. How can I look

1:11:33

like Conan O'Brien without having a car

1:11:36

accident? I

1:11:40

can't wait. I can't wait till you guys have

1:11:42

a Conan O'Brien smoothie and then all the 17

1:11:44

and 18 year old women show

1:11:46

up. Well, that's my question, Conan.

1:11:48

If they were to make a Conan

1:11:50

O'Brien smoothie, what would be the name

1:11:52

of it and what would be inside? Okay.

1:11:56

I don't know what the catacai. Yeah, let's call

1:11:58

it the catacai. I I

1:12:03

would just I would I would just throw the

1:12:05

health thing out the window I think if I

1:12:08

oh yeah, I would just not go for that.

1:12:10

I would take a whole loaf of bread

1:12:14

And grind it down and then

1:12:16

I'd put like bolognese sauce in there and

1:12:20

miracle whip Everything

1:12:22

that I had as a kid, you know,

1:12:24

and I would just that I would sit

1:12:26

and watch, you know Television in my crunch

1:12:28

cat and crunch with crunch berries and

1:12:30

I would put all that in there and grind

1:12:32

it up But then tell everybody oh, it's tapioca

1:12:34

and it's made of you

1:12:37

know Gwyneth Paltrow smiled at it and It

1:12:42

costs $900 and then you eat

1:12:44

it your cholesterol goes through the roof and

1:12:46

you're only 19, but they have to put a stent in your

1:12:48

heart That's

1:12:52

evil. Oh, I know what do you

1:12:54

think you were talking to? I

1:12:57

think mr. Rogers Conan of hot ones

1:12:59

Conan episode. I should have exactly. Yeah. Yeah

1:13:01

No, I think it would be a very unhealthy

1:13:04

smoothie and probably not worthy of of

1:13:06

Erewhon Well, I'll make sure to tell my

1:13:08

manager. Yeah. Oh, just I'm sure your managers

1:13:10

are regular fan. We'll hear this Hi,

1:13:14

I'm a naive idiot. All right. Well, very nice

1:13:16

to meet you Piper. That's a great question. Thank

1:13:19

you very much Actually,

1:13:23

I do try to be healthy and I put

1:13:25

two fistfuls of spinach into a blender every day

1:13:27

and a little P protein and other stuff and

1:13:30

I'll just lost you. All right, you did it.

1:13:32

It's just the way you did like Do

1:13:35

that sexualizing Yeah,

1:13:45

then I jam them up

1:13:47

my rectum Swirl

1:13:50

my ass around what the hell I didn't do

1:13:52

that. You did that you did that. No, you

1:13:54

did that She's

1:13:58

nodding you did man has a

1:14:00

right to be heard okay I'm waiting patiently

1:14:03

at the fake microphone you're just yes congratulations

1:14:05

just Jatin how are you I'm good I've

1:14:08

come here all the way from New Delhi

1:14:10

India just to see you know you didn't New

1:14:14

Delhi Wow this

1:14:17

is like that time we had the guy from Denmark honor

1:14:31

a real honor thank you it's

1:14:33

an honor to meet you I've

1:14:35

been watching you since 10th grade

1:14:37

so this has taken 26 years

1:14:40

to finally be here see you live

1:14:44

I don't know what to say that's crazy to me that

1:14:47

really I want to say your name correctly

1:14:49

Jatin Jatin I that's I mean means

1:14:52

everything to me seriously that is that

1:14:54

anyone would let someone that young watch

1:14:58

it was the show they used

1:15:00

to air it on CNBC in

1:15:02

India on CNBC instead of the government

1:15:04

intervened I'm sure no

1:15:07

this must stop well I mean I used

1:15:10

to watch it while studying for my exams

1:15:12

and my father would know there was a

1:15:14

TV in that space and

1:15:16

on the weekends they were to air

1:15:18

your show in the beginning

1:15:20

I didn't get the jokes but eventually Jatin

1:15:24

I mean after there's a thing in America

1:15:27

where we stopped when we when the fun

1:15:30

stuff is over we stop and

1:15:32

then we don't keep going to the part that's not

1:15:34

so good no but it went on

1:15:37

to tell you something that was not a language barrier

1:15:40

there's really nothing to get with some of that

1:15:42

no I I loved everything on the late show

1:15:44

a late-night show and then when I got to

1:15:46

college I came to US and

1:15:49

I came to New York I stood

1:15:51

in line to get a pass stand-by ticket

1:15:53

to your show I couldn't I

1:15:56

got a pass to last call with Carson Daly I

1:15:58

didn't go for that But

1:16:00

ever since then,

1:16:03

I lied to everyone

1:16:05

back home that I actually saw you lie.

1:16:09

I've been saying that for over 20 years.

1:16:11

Now I can leave. Look at that. You

1:16:13

have a facility of a... How

1:16:16

can we prove to people that you

1:16:20

can send this to people and they'll

1:16:23

just say, Who's that weird woman you're with? Did

1:16:33

you have a question or? Yes, I did. Was this

1:16:35

just a cheap ploy to get that photo? Well,

1:16:38

I mean, I did come all the way. So

1:16:44

back in India, I do a bunch

1:16:46

of things. I produce comic book conventions

1:16:48

called Comic on India. I've published books,

1:16:50

comics. I've even produced television shows. But

1:16:53

all of that has been a stepping stone to

1:16:55

my main goal, which is to produce my own

1:16:57

Bollywood movie. Oh, wow. And

1:17:00

I'm actually there now. You're going to produce

1:17:02

a Bollywood movie. Yes. I'm actually

1:17:04

reading scripts. True fact. So

1:17:06

I want to ask you, do you want to star in my

1:17:08

Bollywood movie? Yes, I do. Yes,

1:17:14

I do. This is? Yes,

1:17:17

I do. It'll be our debut. Let me

1:17:19

just say one thing and I'm totally 100%

1:17:21

serious. Let's

1:17:23

turn towards the crowd because you're that's the

1:17:25

ones watching. This

1:17:27

is a historic moment. This

1:17:30

is a historic moment because this marks the death

1:17:33

of your film career. Jaden,

1:17:35

I would be so thrilled and honored

1:17:38

to be in your movie. I want

1:17:40

you to be a success. I do

1:17:42

not think I should be the star

1:17:44

of your Bollywood movie. I am saying

1:17:46

this as a friend now. You're my

1:17:48

best friend for India now. So

1:17:51

first of all, I know you have some visa problems

1:17:53

in India. Sort it out. Okay.

1:18:00

It's actually true. True. It's

1:18:03

a long story, it doesn't really involve me, but years

1:18:07

and years and years ago we filmed a

1:18:09

bit and it was actually a very funny

1:18:11

bit where one of our writers, Andy

1:18:13

Blitz, had a hard time with his computer and

1:18:16

decides to take it to the

1:18:18

call center and travels holding the

1:18:21

computer on the plane. And

1:18:23

it was a really, in a lot of ways, really

1:18:25

brilliant bit, but we forgot or

1:18:27

he forgot or someone forgot to get all

1:18:30

the paperwork done. And

1:18:32

so we're on some bad list

1:18:34

with the Indian government, which, you

1:18:37

know, I've tried to reassure them. No, no, no,

1:18:39

no, Andy Blitz is long gone. I've had him

1:18:41

killed. Your team didn't contact me. It's all sorted.

1:18:43

What are you talking about? Why should I? I

1:18:45

shouldn't be. Let's talk about you should be

1:18:47

a. Let's stop talking about paperwork, for God's sake. So

1:18:50

we got an audience here. I should

1:18:52

not be the star. I should be a

1:18:55

quick comic turn. No, no, no. All right,

1:18:57

come out. I tell you why, because you're

1:18:59

tall, handsome, great hair. No,

1:19:01

take a closer look. I

1:19:07

don't mind. Also,

1:19:13

an old Irish head and it's rotting fast.

1:19:16

No, no, no. So it's not

1:19:18

getting better every day. It's getting worse. Some

1:19:20

of our biggest actors are right at your

1:19:22

age and they're still the most popular actors.

1:19:24

Also, also. At my age.

1:19:27

Also, I have you researched how

1:19:29

old I am. Kind

1:19:31

of. Yeah. But also, I want to

1:19:33

tell you, we have in India,

1:19:35

we have an unhealthy attraction to

1:19:37

being fair. You would

1:19:39

be the fairest of them all, for sure. I'm.

1:19:44

I. And

1:19:46

here's the thing. Here's the thing. I'm

1:19:49

going to move heaven and earth to try and help

1:19:51

you with this. I really am. Yeah. You

1:19:55

know, we'll try and figure it out because my

1:19:57

time is so valuable. I'm

1:20:01

kidding. I have so much time. No, because you

1:20:03

know you were on Hot Ones recently and I

1:20:06

saw the whole gamut of emotions. Hot

1:20:08

Ones. Yeah, so you can do drama. So what

1:20:10

you know is that I'm not too old, but

1:20:12

old, and you thought I tolerated

1:20:14

hot sauce as well. No,

1:20:16

but... And you want me to be the star of your

1:20:18

movie. You went through a range of emotions, so you can

1:20:21

act. I mean you can bring it, you know, so I'm

1:20:24

willing to finish it. What's the name of the movie? Well,

1:20:26

I mean we're still working on that. The

1:20:30

star needs to be on the sign first, you

1:20:32

know, then we can get to the script, we

1:20:34

can customize it. You are so full of shit

1:20:36

right now. There

1:20:38

is no movie. There's a van. You

1:20:42

know what,

1:20:44

let's get

1:20:46

your information

1:20:48

and I would love to try and make

1:20:50

this happen. But you know what I'll say, whatever happens

1:20:53

with us, and

1:20:55

I say this sincerely, it means I

1:20:59

don't know why, but for some reason trying

1:21:01

to connect with people in any way means

1:21:04

the world to me. And the

1:21:06

fact that you saw me when

1:21:08

you were 10 and saw something and all

1:21:10

that foolishness and that we connected and that

1:21:12

now we're here is magic. So thank you

1:21:14

so much. And

1:21:17

Matt, I know you edit the show. Please

1:21:19

do keep everything in. If you can

1:21:21

share the clip, I can prove to people I met. I

1:21:24

promise you I will keep it in. You're

1:21:26

interfering with the editing of this podcast. Nice

1:21:30

to meet you, DeSona. Nice to meet you too. Stay out

1:21:32

of my podcast. I'm kind of trying to get on. Okay,

1:21:35

okay. Yeah, you just went a little too far. All right,

1:21:37

I think we should, I mean, that's such a high

1:21:39

note. I

1:21:46

think we need to say goodbye to

1:21:49

everybody. Thank you, Jadim. Hey, hey, girl.

1:21:51

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

1:21:53

No, don't do it. Don't

1:21:58

do it. Let

1:22:01

me help you

1:22:06

for all the shit! Alright,

1:22:09

Jesus Christ, Matt Gorley just whispers in my

1:22:11

ear, the last guy drove 2,000 miles

1:22:15

to be here. So we're not done.

1:22:17

Get him down here. Where is this man? He's still driving

1:22:19

here. My God. Hello. How

1:22:22

is he? He's still driving here. He's

1:22:24

still driving here. He's still driving here. He's still driving here. He's

1:22:27

still driving here. He's still driving here. How?

1:22:30

Closer to the mic. Hello. Yes,

1:22:32

you can take it out and you can hold it up

1:22:34

to your mouth. You're allowed to do that. You drove 2,000

1:22:37

miles to be here? Yes. So...

1:22:43

Wait, do I owe you money? Your

1:22:46

whole attitude is not joy. But

1:22:49

like, yeah. Yes.

1:22:51

Remember me? Jesus Christ. Look at his whole

1:22:53

life. He's a man. He's

1:22:55

a man. He's a man. Jesus

1:22:59

Christ. Look at his whole pose. Do

1:23:01

we even have security? Oh my God.

1:23:03

Are you a bounty hunter? I'm just

1:23:05

happy to be here after the last

1:23:08

guy. So that's...

1:23:10

So, yeah. So my wife and I right here,

1:23:12

we just celebrated... You just gestured

1:23:14

to 10,000 people. Hi. How

1:23:17

are you? This beautiful redhead woman. Hi. How

1:23:21

are you? We celebrated our 29th anniversary on

1:23:23

the 5th. Oh. Happy

1:23:25

anniversary. Thank you.

1:23:29

And for that, we scheduled this show, but

1:23:31

we had some extra time. And so we

1:23:33

were in Orlando at the time we split,

1:23:36

time between Utah and Orlando. That's

1:23:38

where we come from. And

1:23:41

apparently that's pretty hilarious. No,

1:23:43

no. It's probably

1:23:45

under the more facts than we need, but I'll... It's

1:23:47

good. We're all good. We're all

1:23:49

friends here. And so we decided to take a

1:23:51

drive. We

1:23:57

went up to Oregon. We're

1:24:00

going all the way down the coast. Down at

1:24:02

the woods. Oh, you get to look at the...

1:24:05

...Wool Pacific. You see all that? Saw the

1:24:07

redwoods. Saw the redwoods. What'd you guys talk

1:24:10

about? We

1:24:21

just listened to Conan O'Brien these days. Yeah! And

1:24:24

that's what we thought. So...

1:24:30

...as you've all been... ...amazed

1:24:33

at what I'm doing for my anniversary, my question was...

1:24:38

I'll get to that. The last

1:24:40

guy just made me the star

1:24:42

of a fucking Hollywood movie. I

1:24:47

mean, literally, the biggest firework in the

1:24:49

world and the history of live podcasts blew

1:24:52

up. And then you're like,

1:24:54

no, it's not over yet! I

1:24:57

took a drive! Conan,

1:25:05

we're huge fans. Oh! We...

1:25:09

let me go on and on. Thank you. No,

1:25:11

we started watching you back in 1996, when

1:25:13

our oldest daughter was very, very young and we'd

1:25:15

wake up at night to take care of her.

1:25:18

That's nice. And you were our only friend

1:25:20

on the television. And so

1:25:23

since then, we've been huge fans.

1:25:25

We went to your show in New York in 2007 and

1:25:27

now we're here. That's

1:25:29

very sweet. That's very sweet and I appreciate that.

1:25:31

Okay. I do. I

1:25:34

believe you. I meant that!

1:25:38

That's sweet. I want to acknowledge that. That's meaningful

1:25:40

to me. I'm happy

1:25:42

that it is. Thank you. I'm

1:25:44

serious. What is going

1:25:46

on? I

1:25:49

don't know what's happening anymore! I'm

1:25:52

a big star in India. I'm

1:25:56

no longer welcome at Erewhon. you

1:26:00

have some sport in a settle. Yeah.

1:26:03

How's that? Okay, so you have a question. Let's go.

1:26:06

I do have a question. So my question is, Conan.

1:26:10

I'm in the, this is my listening very

1:26:12

carefully. Yes. Not

1:26:15

distracting. What

1:26:18

is the worst possible way

1:26:22

to celebrate a

1:26:24

major anniversary with your partner? Well,

1:26:29

you are, you are skating very

1:26:31

close to it yourself. It's

1:26:35

this moment right now. Yeah. You

1:26:37

drove 2000 miles

1:26:40

to tell an anecdote on a vodka. What's

1:26:44

the worst way? The worst

1:26:47

way? I don't know, Matt. Someone, I don't know

1:26:49

the worst way. What's the worst?

1:26:51

Doing someone else. What? Oh.

1:26:54

Zona! Doing someone else. To

1:26:56

the point. I think that's the right

1:26:58

answer. Doing someone else. Yeah.

1:27:02

And wait, while you're

1:27:04

looking at your partner? Are they in the

1:27:07

room and you're like, yeah, and you're looking out? For

1:27:09

some people that might be a kink. I mean, like, you know.

1:27:13

That would be for me. Yeah, but if it's the worst.

1:27:15

Well, it would be. If it's

1:27:17

the worst, that means that you're, you know,

1:27:19

you're cheating. Yeah. You're

1:27:22

fucking somewhere else. Okay, so we got it.

1:27:24

We got it. We're all right. All

1:27:26

right. This is also simulcast

1:27:28

on Nickelodeon. Take it easy. I

1:27:31

think she has the answer. Doing someone else.

1:27:33

That is terrible. What's that? That is

1:27:36

terrible. It is very bad. Yes. You're

1:27:39

a pretty chill guy, aren't you? You

1:27:42

take life as it comes. I like this guy. What's

1:27:45

the plan now? You've,

1:27:48

I mean, you've come here, you asked me

1:27:50

the question, and what do you do now?

1:27:54

And not like in detail. We're

1:27:58

gonna go home. I

1:28:01

wish you a great trip and happy anniversary.

1:28:04

Hey everybody, thank you! I

1:28:07

don't know why, I

1:28:10

don't know what we did in a previous life, but we do have the

1:28:12

funniest, coolest, most amazing

1:28:14

fans. Thank you

1:28:17

very much for being here. I

1:28:20

want to thank Son of a Puckian, Matt

1:28:25

Corley, and

1:28:28

thank you for the best fans in the camera, who we really made.

1:28:41

You know, it's been an incredible night. John

1:28:43

C. Reilly is a friend and it was so nice to connect

1:28:45

with him. But then to meet some

1:28:48

of you, and

1:28:53

then to get to sing this song without having to pay

1:28:55

for it. Because

1:28:57

I know the guy who wrote it. We

1:29:28

will rest upon the ground and

1:29:31

look at all the bugs we

1:29:33

found. Safely walk to school without

1:29:35

a sound. Here

1:29:43

we are, no one else. We

1:29:45

walked to school all by ourselves,

1:29:48

and stirred high our uniforms from

1:29:50

playing with the ants and worms.

1:29:53

We climbed up and now it's time

1:29:55

to learn. We cleaned up

1:29:58

and learned. We

1:30:04

don't notice any time to learn. We

1:30:09

don't notice anything. We

1:30:14

sit side by side in every

1:30:16

class. Teachers

1:30:19

say, teachers are the

1:30:21

opposite. The most important are

1:30:23

you when I'm in bed.

1:30:26

Scary thoughts run through my head.

1:30:29

Mouths and bones and alphas and when

1:30:31

I wait. Tomorrow I'll

1:30:33

bet you and I will walk

1:30:35

together again. I

1:30:39

can tell that we are gonna be

1:30:41

friends. If

1:30:44

I can tell, we are

1:30:46

gonna be friends. You

1:30:59

guys are great, thank you so much. Look

1:31:02

for my new movie, What You Don't

1:31:04

See, from Bollywood. Take

1:31:07

it easy. Conan

1:31:11

O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien,

1:31:14

Sonam of Sessian and Mac Gorley. Produced

1:31:16

by me, Mac Gorley. Executive produced by

1:31:18

Adam Sacks, Nick Liao and Jeff Ross

1:31:20

at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and

1:31:23

Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by

1:31:25

The White Stripes. Incidental music

1:31:27

by Jimmy Vivino. Take it

1:31:29

away, Jimmy. Our

1:31:33

supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And

1:31:35

our associate talent producer is Jennifer

1:31:37

Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo

1:31:39

Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production

1:31:41

support by Mars Melnick. Talent

1:31:44

booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit

1:31:46

Khan. You can rate and review this show

1:31:48

on Apple Podcasts and you might find your

1:31:50

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1:31:53

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1:31:55

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1:32:00

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1:32:04

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are donated. Yup!

1:32:31

Sweet, creamy, crunchy, crispy, decadent

1:32:33

deliciousness! Sir, I can ring you

1:32:35

up. In my creatipation with scoring

1:32:38

a drumstick, I've forgotten my wallet.

1:32:41

Ah, do you offer by now pay

1:32:43

later? Another day, another drumstick. I

1:32:47

switched my dog to Purina One

1:32:49

True Instinct, and her true instincts

1:32:52

really came alive. From day one,

1:32:54

it's high protein nutrition she instinctively

1:32:56

craves, with real meat as the

1:32:58

number one ingredient, supporting healthy energy

1:33:00

and strong muscles, differences I see

1:33:03

day after day. Purina One

1:33:05

True Instinct is the food she was born

1:33:07

to eat. Come on, girl! Purina

1:33:10

One True Instinct. A difference from

1:33:12

day one. Learn more

1:33:14

at purinaone.com.