0:03

Hi. My name is Paul Scheer. And

0:08

I feel sanguine. About being

0:10

Conan O'brien's friend. He. Found

0:14

his. Back

0:17

to school when know

0:19

them an issue. Walk

0:22

climbed the fence, books

0:24

and talking. Gonna

0:26

need. Side

0:29

to. Pay.

0:34

Their welcome to Com or Brian needs

0:36

of friends sitting here with my peeps

0:38

some of session Matt Gourley Sona you

0:40

seem pretty chipper. what's going on? I

0:43

ah. You have a microphone right

0:45

in front of you. Come? I don't.

0:47

You are a fucking foghorn. Just it

0:49

wasn't that loud. Know as it may

0:51

I please. Hello!

0:56

You have to choose you want to live

0:58

with mommy and daddy or whether they overdid

1:00

it up up up up as don't I

1:02

don't. I just nice to you Eduardo, Why

1:04

don't you? It was a little out of

1:07

high in just try to just be just.

1:09

Use. Your voice and we're all here And will you know

1:11

and guess what we are. You talk quietly to

1:14

like talk about how loud I am.

1:16

It is really it really gets me

1:18

that with that with that's what. really

1:20

pissed gone really so and you don't

1:22

do that. Don't. Do That. So tell

1:24

us you move on. Yes, let's move on. I

1:26

nominate idea? I don't know if. okay. You

1:28

seemed like you are in a good mood. I were.

1:30

and then you are. It's in such a great while,

1:32

you're at a good mood, screaming into or a mike

1:34

as inches from your face. What happened? The big you

1:37

have. Only so I went to Las Vegas

1:39

for the date to be on a panel

1:41

at a cost for hits. Wait, where are

1:43

you on a panel. I. Don't know

1:45

who would push you want a panel of

1:47

it? Seriously, Why are you on a panel?

1:49

Not only that, whoever. Was on a

1:51

panel snuff? eleven o'clock Wow. Oh yes.

1:53

I. Have

1:56

club. Oh. I've

1:59

just I've. Legacy the panel it starts

2:01

with Sona and and it's like snuff

2:03

Love Vegas Oh my God I a

2:05

beach pier with a face painted on

2:08

his successor a bowl of net dreams

2:10

and we got our panel i'm sorry

2:12

Son and even if you download. Like

2:14

the at the Nab so in Vegas. With

2:16

an absolutely I have been then. A National

2:19

Association Of Broadcasters. And.

2:21

Then I was part of the. See. He a.

2:24

Conference is named after be earth or oh

2:26

god I hate eight years old so I

2:28

would have been was get through this because

2:30

I want to get to the exploit be

2:32

waning of this. And I was on the

2:34

palate. You're right. I was on a panel

2:36

with the chief content officer of one media

2:38

company and then the chief financial officer of

2:40

another media company and it was the three

2:42

of by this. Is the greatest scam

2:45

in the world and and you

2:47

were there as him in what

2:49

capacity? Someone who's on a a very

2:51

popular podcast which will not as well. As

2:54

wait, so you're there because of

2:56

this party has. A This podcast.

2:59

I. Went to Vegas for a day. And I

3:01

read his stuff like that. No, I don't think

3:03

I got invited to this. I saw. You guys

3:05

get him by, I say yes to everything

3:07

has made my cousin works for the company's,

3:09

ask me to do it, and I was

3:11

happy to do a. Explanation:

3:14

Ruslan I. A You

3:16

know I am representing this by. Okay

3:19

that know But as for soccer but I

3:21

have a okay so a relative work with

3:23

the company yet I went to Vegas for

3:25

that. We flew out and in. I hope

3:27

we me attack Okay. So we flew out

3:29

and then we had time for lunch beforehand

3:31

so we went to the Encore and then

3:33

we went to this place called was Uzi

3:35

and that the waiter i remember his name

3:38

is Taylor I remember this so vividly of

3:40

is a huge fan of his podcasts and

3:42

then my meal with. Com no wait a

3:44

minute Wait a minute. Because And I

3:46

say this with all kindness both. You.

3:48

And tax you liked. You. Know oh no

3:50

you like all rates you like. I mean it's

3:53

not going to be seen as on going to

3:55

say. That is nuts.

3:57

Her. Hoof remains and with taxes and.

4:00

Crazy eat. So how do they? Yeah, we,

4:02

we're we're But it's Vegas so it's like

4:04

not a cheat meal. It's an expense and.

4:06

You. You a sailor, a tailor being

4:08

man over man yeah and on are

4:11

being man trailer fearing man. that's a

4:13

life that I wanted was to align.

4:15

It was cut out of my the

4:17

be a large V Man of the

4:20

on you are not welcome in the

4:22

forbidden zone. Ah Ok so Taylor said

4:24

hi Wooded Taylor said that he liked

4:27

about the project so hit first or

4:29

school he recognized. Okay so that's. The

4:31

other think it was a oh you look familiar

4:33

thing as he asked me why was there like

4:35

I'm on a panel on on the side Tennessee?

4:37

like okay. And then I think he

4:39

went back and then like googled i.

4:42

Don't think he was sir who I was

4:44

right and then and then. He saw

4:46

your your your photo by the

4:48

cash register said do not sastre

4:50

jackpot. ah oh that's our now

4:52

you know from a badass and

4:55

you're under arrest. Rate

4:57

so okay. Recognize you from the podcast is a

4:59

Sam. Taylor videos all

5:02

the time. I doubt as to Taylor who works and

5:04

what's the call? Was. Xuzhou in at the

5:06

Encore. What kind of food is was use. It's Asian

5:08

fusion. It's delicious. If they want to send

5:10

a stuff I'm cool with, I. Know and

5:12

I'll think that's very another you should

5:14

be asking for free food ah me

5:16

com que a meal and I think

5:18

that's enough. I don't think I think

5:20

now extorting was Eu Zuma and by

5:22

the way I'd much or asian fusion

5:24

sips well where they're going to support

5:26

a couple of dumplings and a Fedex

5:29

him and send it through the desert

5:31

to get here to Large Small that's

5:33

fantastic say over the weekend this soup

5:35

so it out or maybe was last

5:37

weekend the be with crack it open

5:39

and. On.

5:42

An Armadillo comes out of soy

5:44

sauce. A little mouse minutes insanity.

5:46

I was using some. Like an

5:48

amazing place please don't send us

5:50

any food even though I'm sure

5:53

it's amazing. We want to come

5:55

in person business and then becomes

5:57

are you find yourself getting current

5:59

Much. Why does the first time? I

6:01

was really excited about it because I

6:03

always said you know people oh you

6:05

know more more people know your to

6:07

the park s is so big and

6:09

I'm like you're not really famous in

6:11

tell you get either a meal country

6:13

He gets same day reservations at a

6:16

cool restaurants and I got com so

6:18

I'm officially. Whoop an A list or

6:20

I have to play among friends are

6:22

the real celebrity? Finally, it's not a

6:24

bad one hundred away. Last how we're

6:26

doing by choosing very very popular, hard

6:28

to get into restaurants and what I

6:31

do as I so up on a

6:33

Saturday night at like seven thirty and

6:35

I just walked in and said Tom

6:37

O'brien here and I'm. Demands.

6:40

A table for fifteen and on.

6:42

I'm always been told that the

6:44

Satanic there such a success. But

6:46

one day and even when you

6:49

have a reservation. Emotional Africa. One

6:53

I have a reservation I've had for months

6:55

and I saw when I go by the

6:57

way is that don't abide they say get

6:59

the fuck outta here Us and my family

7:01

and friends always to me from the guy

7:03

about sorted out other all seat and they

7:05

still believe they still bill me. But.

7:07

I'm that's the way to test. Yeah and

7:10

I've not. What I'll know the day I

7:12

can walk in and goats your services is

7:14

t Conal Blinds gonna buy needs a friend

7:16

that then I'm going to know that I've

7:18

been. It's I'm seated right away that we

7:20

finally cracked that I don't think it's ever

7:22

going to happen. I don't know what to say

7:24

because I've made a lot of C B reservations. For

7:26

you and it's It's always people love

7:28

to accommodate you. Why would you would?

7:30

It's were would exist Tai Fung, they

7:32

they wouldn't. Was nice. See that?

7:35

Yep, you remember we went to the one

7:37

of the original line in our Td. I

7:39

don't like what's this? Basically away I didn't.

7:41

Do I never say? well okay I

7:43

think I did. Says I said they

7:46

were in Arcadia Yes to the original.

7:48

didn't I fall into I thought since

7:50

I phone and I we were really

7:52

hungry and I thought well it does.

7:54

All kidding aside, people are quite nice

7:56

to me. amazed they tend to recognize

7:58

this puss. So I. I

8:01

was is uncertain for its nit Tory

8:03

is robbing a very long way, especially

8:06

that original. Regardless of the book yeah

8:08

of the I had a so I

8:10

pay but or god bless them they

8:13

they said ah as nicely as possible

8:15

go away of back and and that

8:17

are it wasn't that long as remember

8:19

it wasn't that way it. Was and

8:21

you know as the you you gave your name.

8:24

They didn't give you any sort of leeway on

8:26

the wait time I remember made no difference that

8:28

it with you but then he went outside. We

8:30

were waiting in the parking lot and people kept

8:32

coming up to you to take. Pics only permitted

8:34

refer some of them were from the restaurant.

8:37

Ah my favorite is when people from the

8:39

restaurant or like with a picture ah yes

8:41

sir thanks I'm a big san. ah I'm

8:43

pulling away. Do Not. Accept

8:50

us access. Ah man. Okay, good times.

8:52

Hey Listen, I don't think celebrities should

8:54

be treated the especially. I think we

8:57

should be treated worse than other people.

8:59

Agree. I'm not. I'm not a celebrity.

9:01

Some fine I ever company or restaurant

9:03

you are fleeting. Com the I can't

9:05

wait till I have a restaurant that

9:07

specializes in Irish food. From nineteen her to

9:10

has had a set of the what

9:12

I Say so what's your take on our

9:14

I? we gotta get into it and

9:16

then I got to start my restaurant my

9:18

guess Today host the podcast how did This

9:20

Get Made which was on the spot

9:22

test Their really loved it. Now he has

9:25

a new memoir title Joyful Recollections of

9:27

Trauma lieu of this guy. I'm excited here

9:29

today! I'm

9:40

going to point out Paul and I'm a

9:42

big fan of yours and I admire you

9:44

greatly. So for you to see that you're

9:46

just sanguine, About. Being my friend

9:48

has a male hits optimistic about the to

9:50

come across. Wow He's here are easy to

9:53

me. I'm presenting it. It's a death blow.

9:55

It's a desktop. Oh yeah okay I'm suppressants.

9:57

you've than a your husband's a crowded out.

10:00

By putting does he do to go down as.

10:02

Variety: He does a karate. Or

10:04

can come in not too high up and

10:06

not too low to say oh heck I've

10:08

I feel cautiously optimistic. You don't need to

10:10

explain. I think that's fair. he's a psychopath

10:12

I am are no sued meet sociopath. oh

10:15

sorry of has a different well you'll get

10:17

there and. I've

10:19

been asked for a single a sociopath.

10:22

some associates as was working very hard

10:24

to make a society and I take

10:26

night classes are missing sanguine about your

10:28

opportunities. I of okay people are able

10:31

to make that crossover and I think

10:33

it's really. Important? Are you going on as as

10:35

I've done it. Just me and Bill Maher were the

10:37

only. Know

10:39

abby be or club random I've I've

10:42

seen ah ha ha ha ha. Bill

10:44

Maher do that club random any assuming

10:46

tissue boxes around and my boys the

10:48

blowing his know so much on our

10:50

soil and. Our

10:52

allies I it's also years a wise. why

10:54

is he wearing thera way pants to now.

10:58

Listen up for he's got a

11:00

i want to talk about this

11:03

anymore. I was a May I.

11:05

Well yeah I wish the man well. Ah,

11:07

I'm sorry about how cases that will make you upset

11:09

bus and. Ah yes

11:11

and if I can call you Paul it

11:14

would be greatly valued to do it again.

11:16

I'm Paul. I've always enjoyed you and then

11:18

I had a great experience with you. I,

11:20

you and your cohorts had me on your

11:23

podcast Yes I want to say about five

11:25

years ago on how did this get made

11:27

and I had an absolute blast. I believe

11:29

we were talking about the film look who's

11:32

talking to yes where I more babies are

11:34

talking thing and that when even the dogs

11:36

are talking. Or I think everything's talking inanimate

11:38

objects. I ate a taser we a terrible

11:41

say look at that baby you know ssssss

11:43

I had arm and I think it was

11:45

a Danny. am I right as a Danny

11:47

De Civil and Human Rights as your as

11:49

do so many me why so many bad

11:52

movies but I believe you're right, I think

11:54

it is Danny Devito and. Like.

11:56

Roseanne Barr. My yeah, and the baby Yeah

11:58

And it's such a strange. That because

12:00

the babies are talking. but they also

12:02

have ah, institutional knowledge about things that

12:04

only adults would have. Yeah, Gary are

12:06

it's I wish I had a cigar

12:09

right now and secure. Okay, it's one

12:11

thing that I'm sorry. what's the concept?

12:13

Again, you've lived a full life and

12:15

you're trapped in a baby's body bag

12:17

or otherwise how old baby speak. That's

12:19

what makes it so upsetting because at

12:21

one point they must get amnesia, right?

12:23

because the while they can't speak, their

12:25

thinking all these horrible thoughts against look

12:27

at those boobs on that lady minutes

12:30

ago. God and l a oh

12:32

it's a race and it's as well

12:34

as that than them z somebody is

12:36

a drink right now. like to stockpile

12:39

anything. Cannot us

12:41

or Uk my uterus I say eight

12:43

months ago they all seem out. Yeah

12:45

this has this energy and then is

12:47

a d to identify for the dogs.

12:49

Dogs have been around, the sun starts

12:51

off as they seem. some stuff dogs

12:53

have seen seventy have a memory that

12:55

I think is passed on almost genetically.

12:57

products have a wisdom and when my

12:59

dog. Looks at me he knows but no

13:01

a bit. besides that a baby is look

13:04

is like looking around on I got my

13:06

son grabbed. A

13:08

Semi you have an array of a

13:10

lifetime extensive beat us have a movie

13:12

where you go in and pitcher such

13:14

as a bases are tosses. There's also

13:16

like this core like romance problem in

13:18

the center of it. It is still

13:20

about like a husband and wife, but

13:22

they never interact with the talking babies.

13:24

Know the babies are having their own

13:26

subplot. Yeah, not couldn't connected to the

13:28

adults at all, right right? And

13:30

it's absolutely like the babies are on a

13:32

telephone trying to get liquor from the liquor

13:34

store. Upside: haven't had a drink and eight

13:36

years? How old are you said smartest guy

13:38

sitting? I didn't think in the third and

13:41

is the third one after you that they

13:43

do solve a crime. The. Baby's due south

13:45

of France. Be a burglar. Come in and

13:47

they set up a trap in their baby

13:49

language. They're able to communicate in her baby

13:52

language, meeting the language of people in their

13:54

fifties. A specific but by the way the

13:56

Arse telepathically communicated is are not even sleeping

13:59

and then just. It

14:01

is what is this? Proof of that? if nothing

14:03

else. That. If this

14:05

movie is the reality and I think it

14:07

is, it is a very truthful scientific movie.

14:09

But I am I evil than a lot

14:11

of fun. I believe that we are born

14:14

in our highest most elevated form and then

14:16

we d evolve as we get older because

14:18

we can speak telepathically For I, we have

14:20

long memories of a rich sexual pass even

14:22

though we don't really have a settler. a

14:25

racehorse to tie for says as yeah, that's.

14:30

A lot of there is being true

14:32

to the fact that. Babies.

14:35

Can see ghosts because.

14:38

I've. Heard a lot of these stories that babies

14:40

and like young children, they don't know that

14:42

they're not supposed to believe in this stuff.

14:44

And when I was shooting this movie new

14:46

Orleans once Tomlin and his Kid was about.

14:48

Three. Years old. And he went

14:50

down to Ties Shoe. We start talking

14:53

to a person in the sewer grate

14:55

and of a the oh and then

14:57

and occasionally all throughout his time in

14:59

New Orleans with see. Different.

15:01

People and having conversations with them. And ones

15:04

most haunted city in the world. I.

15:06

Don't know. What do you think that his

15:08

son is crazy? Or do you think the kids

15:10

can? Maybe cigarettes? New Orleans and people sometimes

15:12

live in sewer grate. Okay so you know

15:14

and I think there are other cities. Any Portland's

15:17

one. I mean I suffer. I think there

15:19

are certain cities where the Portland it's expensive

15:21

but with mister. Nice

15:23

symmetry for the summer hundred.

15:29

I think the person in a sewer grate was

15:31

complaining to the little boy that it was two

15:33

thousand dollars a month. Suddenly massive regret. What is

15:35

why? The park is really nice. So it's really

15:37

nice. I barely spend time here. As

15:41

far as that, Graphic

15:44

design as they would have so many sewers.

15:46

I take a shower at their the Sports

15:48

club. It's. Ah,

15:52

so that's how I sort of. I first got

15:54

to. I felt like I work as you, even

15:56

though we've been traveling and similar circles as or

15:58

a long time. We

16:00

are started my career. I always say that

16:02

you started my career. I had to get

16:05

a Sag card because of working on your

16:07

show was my favorite thing it was and

16:09

it was a great day to hang out

16:11

in that hallway. this sit in the upstairs

16:13

hallway. people come in and out. need much

16:16

weird guest stars doing sometimes it weird things.

16:18

I remember Gene Simmons being the weirdest. ah

16:20

just trolling the hallways trying to knock on

16:22

different people's doors and just get in there

16:25

and just I do remember though the only

16:27

bit I ever said no to on your

16:29

show. Was I got this call and

16:31

the casting directors or Paul we have a

16:33

really great bit for you know second can't

16:36

leave and there are so concerned committee audience

16:38

and he's never a razor on him and

16:40

he's can save you bald and i was

16:42

like ah. As it's I don't

16:44

know as as I was already losing my hair

16:47

that point, but it didn't know if I could

16:49

commit to getting my head shaved on tv. I

16:51

know do realize they're probably pitching this to you

16:53

before they pitched it to me. A success. That

16:57

is it. Sad. See it? I mean it's yeah,

16:59

right? as they were calling around and be I

17:01

would you do it? Yeah, we're going to take

17:03

a twenty two caliber rifle in, shoot you in

17:05

the shoulder and you will. How is this funny?

17:07

Trust me And Tone is a pretty good side

17:10

so he won't hit a major artery and they

17:12

haven't even touched it to me. At or will

17:14

suits you at rehearsal and then products such

17:16

as as you're Bleeding out there my favorite

17:18

thing it was that did crazy bowed but

17:20

I was like I was a guy wanted

17:22

wanted you to spit this be really funny

17:24

but i was so nervous to really commit

17:26

to shaving off my a full head of

17:28

hair yes for a bit as I did

17:30

say no and I always i always so

17:32

badly about i'd really sit crippled your career

17:34

as a set of as it is where

17:37

I do it did someone going on when

17:39

did it i below name and might have

17:41

been. Andy Blitz. Ah.

17:44

Any blitz would you that even if it

17:47

wasn't scared us? A? I mean I have

17:49

such fond memories of that era and just

17:51

so much talent around New York City and

17:53

all of us had this idea of what

17:55

we thought was funny yeah, which was quite

17:57

at odds with what the people I was

17:59

were. For thought was funny it was

18:01

about another problem. But I'm I know that

18:03

you came up with Jack Mcbrayer. haven't you

18:05

guys ring? Were you when you see be

18:08

together? Yeah, Jack and I were in a

18:10

show together called Sheer Mic Rare or a

18:12

Ghost Ship and then we also were performing

18:14

every Saturday together in a group called Respect

18:16

Amount Of On Okay. Ah

18:19

the titles alone has a sorrow. You live

18:21

with a show where Jack and I improvised

18:23

just to man improv show and every time

18:26

we would reference the movie Ghost Ship ah

18:28

and as Atlas that that was. The only

18:30

thing that seen only the chefs. My conceit

18:32

was always that as a ship was a

18:35

ghost and as Jack to believe that people

18:37

were dead on the ship goes on. The

18:39

chef analysis here's my I've talked about this

18:41

before but I cannot say enough. I've known

18:43

Jack and I swear to God I'm friends

18:46

with Jack and have been friends with Check

18:48

in for years and years and years and

18:50

years and years. I've never had a real

18:52

conversation with him because I always the minute

18:54

I see him. Go into the

18:57

ah, a whole city slicker. Oh

18:59

yes, and he goes into the

19:01

put upon Rupe. We'll do that

19:03

for forty five minute yes. And

19:06

I've often thought some day one

19:08

of us is going to be.

19:10

On death's door in the hospital. And

19:13

list to say I go winless to say it's

19:15

sad. Jax for season take himself where do have

19:17

a farm and I'm going to know it and

19:19

that's going to know the desert his last he

19:21

might yes probably gonna go later today and he's

19:24

in the hospital and I was getting a minute

19:26

to just to say hi I know for Santana

19:28

go in and say we we were not. Don't

19:30

to be afraid about these doctor sell as I

19:32

know they didn't have them back home. he's gonna

19:35

go suck on that by a familiar with that

19:37

us. Either

19:40

way it was surreal. moment it? you

19:42

can't. Jack is one of the funniest people

19:44

but that's a sign that he likes you

19:46

as a other and been more than like

19:49

suits. Love the because he won't do that

19:51

with everybody but you will get into bits

19:53

with him that will last for for literally

19:55

years and then sometimes you don't know where

19:57

the bit is and and we're Jack Big.

20:00

Because you have. I know Jack. I think

20:02

every day he spends bias pool drinking but

20:04

lights as exactly. Also that now I know.

20:06

I guess that's just ago he has the

20:08

last person on earth who hasn't heard you're

20:10

not supposed to lay in the sun. Oh

20:12

yeah. gonna get a deep dark is has

20:14

a Mountain Dew guy to are you married?

20:16

Yeah yeah yeah. He pours or Bud Light

20:18

into his sister for a sea of mountain

20:20

dew and Bud light. and by the pool.

20:22

Maybe really mixing those two things together. it's

20:24

I got a suntan lotion for your insight.

20:28

Of forces the successor out. And

20:30

on doesn't sound like it's too rough

20:32

year. I don't know, I'd I'd rather

20:34

not as the and the southernmost colleges

20:36

are starting around the world are starting

20:38

to say prayers and. You've.

20:52

Written a book. Joyful recollections of

20:54

Trauma Yes, for small I I,

20:56

I can't think of a better

20:58

way to for especially a comedian

21:00

or someone in Tommy. To sum

21:02

up a fuss that this weird

21:04

line we have between there were

21:06

things that moments in our childhood

21:08

that we seal in the moment.

21:11

Brought us great anxiety, fear, ah, unhappiness,

21:13

anger and then now we realize oh

21:15

it was all part of the stew

21:18

is interesting because he tell the stories

21:20

that are part of your life and

21:22

that you maybe have no spin on

21:24

it's ugly as just just happen they

21:26

are member's telling my wife has ago

21:29

he i never opened the door for

21:31

strangers because my grandma told me about

21:33

this butcher who would you know kill

21:35

kids and shut up in the chart

21:37

and on and you know react my

21:40

wife of that we would. Willingly and

21:42

like the butcher you know see the story

21:44

all kids here, mammogram, other side of myself

21:46

and my grandma's tommy the story where she's

21:48

like you know she's can open the door

21:50

because if you open the door the but

21:52

you will come in and steps will come

21:54

up the stairs and he'll grab you in

21:56

your party you in a sack and and

21:58

i'm like a half and. If you to get

22:00

a up and run around the corner and then

22:03

they sleep under. The story was the mom goes

22:05

to the butcher's she order some chopped meat she

22:07

starts making the chopped meat is granting it up

22:09

and see puts it in the pan as she

22:11

puts it in the pants. The chopped meat post.

22:19

That image I me I know it can

22:21

exist like the look and something maybe writers

22:23

are Emma a grim will accept. That

22:27

frightening butcher? That, yeah, that's is it.

22:29

A butcher lives in our neighborhood or

22:31

shops have children so occasionally your grandmother's

22:33

had no effect as a someone needs

22:35

to come into that. Seasonally,

22:39

someone doesn't need to tell man average and

22:41

or what is that. Do Not shut me

22:43

up Butcher. You will not get me. Yeah,

22:45

we're here to pick up the. Rods

22:47

Ah. Ah

22:50

yeah, no, I'm you must have

22:52

had because you talk about this

22:54

very honestly in your book. Parents'

22:56

divorce me very young as stepfather

22:58

comes into the picture. Who's you

23:00

know I it's physically and emotionally

23:02

abusive. Yes sir, you're dealing with

23:05

that and it's not. Of course

23:07

none of that is funny, but

23:09

you had a very singular childhood

23:11

and then you describe later in

23:13

your life you talking to your

23:15

friends and you're saying just. As I

23:17

did right now. You know when your grandmother tells you

23:20

that if anyone comes in the house though, choppy weapon

23:22

and you become a talking hamburger. Helpmates? You

23:25

know, know, People. You've had

23:27

people say no Paul, that's not a norm that

23:29

I'll not what you do. I mean like you

23:31

don't like I remember I raised money. To

23:34

go into the city to go see a naked

23:36

woman. That was the only job that I was

23:38

like I'm like with the queen we heard about

23:40

naked women. we're I'd we didn't have any access

23:42

to make a will were close to the city

23:44

a me my friends right? Let's. Go.

23:47

Get. Some money will go into the city, Move

23:49

will find and we didn't know how. I

23:52

think we were freshman in high school. like

23:54

you know, sauce it. we're a little the

23:56

I went to a catholic school. they didn't

23:58

really talk about sex. It was very. The

24:00

know, if not discuss know it's mouth. I mean.

24:02

The. Craziest thing is my health classes taught

24:05

by my ass is an instructor which

24:07

is i think a normal thing and

24:09

Adams very shy girl in our class.

24:11

lovely girl, And

24:13

she got up to the bathroom. And. A Gym

24:15

Teachers and. I. Gotta I gotta get plant

24:18

I gotta get sinus answer she gets up any

24:20

tix ness. Dildo out as his

24:22

desk know. I have never again at this

24:24

point seems that huge. As young as a

24:26

rubber cucumber, I'm like what I mean. It's

24:29

certain I'm shocked. Years it's like are it's

24:31

okay because I. And. He shoves

24:33

it in her lunch bag. And we

24:35

a a whim we're all waiting.

24:37

There is some that scumbag of

24:39

buddy. Calm down. And

24:41

so we're all sitting there waiting in this

24:44

very sweet girl very shy, very nice you

24:46

know starts to take out her sandwich and

24:48

co say of. Stephanie. What?

24:51

Their cell and riffs out this dildo.

24:53

what is this? Do and and your

24:55

bags and he starts waving it in

24:57

the air and then the entire class

24:59

tickets every moment the entire class starts.

25:02

You last saw in your life and

25:04

now Edo era any the I just

25:06

gotcha. I gotcha that it's not really

25:08

don't I didn't just get sir it

25:10

as a guy that surprising. When

25:13

his name's now. Way

25:16

to find this guy that this is like

25:18

and that was a story that I'd like.

25:20

I'd like. Again as oh yeah that

25:22

that's as close as I got to

25:24

understanding anything about sex in school. Like

25:27

seeing that dildo sell stuff that girls

25:29

one and bar simulated. yeah I knew.

25:31

I guess that's what sexier this has

25:34

been. As about all the details I

25:36

have, ah that's horrible. He says it's

25:38

sort of mean at you know you

25:41

you you as a kid you get

25:43

very interested in. Obsessed with

25:45

making tapes of things. Oh yeah, You

25:47

want it. You want to record everything

25:49

and make tapes to the extent that.

25:51

You. Made your own video store pretty much

25:54

yeah I made my and I loved

25:56

some Chs movies and I wanted like

25:58

that was to me the dream. To

26:00

own my own video store felt like that

26:02

was. Can. Get a better than that.

26:04

I have always thing on your disposal as

26:06

it's funny I you that was your dream

26:08

job When I was a kid remembered seeing

26:10

a tollbooth operator my parents driving through. we're

26:12

going through the Sumner tunnel are coming out

26:15

of it in Boston and we went to

26:17

a tollbooth. Remember thinking as. I

26:19

look at a guy sitting in a booth

26:21

and I just thought that would be cool.

26:23

Yeah, because there's no homework. And. No

26:26

one to boss you around and you just

26:28

and it's a pretty simple job and you

26:30

get to go home and watch cartoons river

26:32

thinking. But so years was video store owner

26:34

mine was tollbooth operator for on I was

26:36

in Boston but those moments it's like you

26:38

get connected as I I I could get

26:40

neverending story. I'd be in the top the

26:42

list of spec. In the day when you

26:44

want to get a video you'd have to

26:46

put your name on a list frightened they

26:48

call you guys. Your. Never ending stories and

26:50

you can come in and get up a compass. You'll

26:52

come before false. Nespresso, Melissa's getting called

26:54

and so I was obsessed with doing

26:56

like being an organ donor. Obsessive steaks

26:59

are so much suffering you even improve

27:01

First never ending story of having to

27:03

do in a total are. Just

27:07

drop what we're doing that it's just

27:09

we gotta see that to spy on.

27:11

That does time but then it's It's

27:13

a missing where I started having his

27:15

movies and found out about it and

27:17

I would run a video store out

27:19

of my high school where teachers you

27:21

be. I. Guess. There's

27:23

Billie Can Amparo first. billions a. Barber

27:26

Elect teachers were holding me back in class

27:28

for me to pass them at Subway H

27:30

S Tapes and I felt like. I

27:33

this is they this is my saying now

27:35

I'm also I love mother The idea that

27:37

you thought and this will never read or

27:39

see I see is the this is similar

27:42

to this job the media business. Professor

27:46

I know how to put things on Vhs

27:48

interview on on. There's no other way to

27:50

as a assess assess as but it was

27:52

for this as a little bit of time

27:55

A commercially a Blockbuster was a bad. You

27:57

are like this is it Pacific. We

28:00

ran a fake autograph signing up

28:02

my Blockbuster to there's a girl

28:04

that just looked like Jamie Gertz

28:06

and we decided that I know.

28:11

Like a cake and eat car for your

28:13

friend and have come in will set up

28:15

a table will make your sign a poster

28:17

and then we realized there was no Jamie

28:20

Gertz movies but there was an alley shitty

28:22

movie that we had a poster for and

28:24

everything is everything is wrong. Jamie

28:27

Gertz. Signing alley Cds,

28:30

autographs the. Everything's

28:32

wrong set up without Meat Alley You

28:34

know that Meet Jamie eager to be

28:36

with him because from lost Boys the

28:39

like us and we have hung up

28:41

This poster in our blockbuster vet says

28:43

a meager on an alley she's supposed

28:45

to the front window for months and

28:47

how to go over to. As you

28:49

said we're excited Report cited people have

28:52

pictures of it a people as sent

28:54

me pictures of it to they talked

28:56

about one time on the pots has

28:58

Arab people. Have pictures with fake to meager. It's

29:00

just since they seem eager to reach out to me

29:02

and she said it was really hot. Of the highlights.

29:05

Sued by say galleys if. I

29:08

see by real alley seen as a very

29:10

complicated massive but one of the money

29:12

gets own the a little help and assistance.

29:14

You have a a part of your

29:16

very cool bugs that is dedicated to awkward

29:19

celebrity encounters with which I'd love to go

29:21

into a little i just because they

29:23

are my favorite moments in my life. You

29:25

go on with the best intentioned. My

29:27

new thing is like I. I will

29:30

not now approach anybody because it's it's to nerve

29:32

wracking. I'd rather just stand back. I mean who

29:34

did you have like does anyone the comes to

29:36

mind where you feel like you messed up the

29:38

encounter? ah well there's one I've talked about before

29:40

but definitely I and I've at and it was

29:42

the truncated version was just I hadn't had coffee

29:44

yet was really are on the morning and I

29:47

got and discover Seventy Agree Upper East side and

29:49

I'm I'm so I get mine and I sit

29:51

on. I'm just about to have it when I

29:53

see that the person in line who's standing shoulder

29:55

to shoulder with me. I'm sitting having my coffee

29:57

on a tall stool and. He's right there. His

30:00

Arnold Schwarzenegger and it was just this great

30:02

moment because he recognized me and wanted to

30:04

say hi but had nothing to say. and

30:06

I haven't had my and he hasn't had

30:08

his coffee and I just got my toss

30:11

the in. It's early and it literally just

30:13

became. Coffee. On out about

30:15

and as like ah yes non having his

30:17

goods is good in the morning and I

30:19

went just a good in the morning. it's

30:22

really good of the morning to have and

30:24

then there was a long pause and went

30:26

to have the coffee and I went to

30:28

just sit and then there was a long

30:31

pause me when he wakes you up. And

30:35

I said yes because of them.

30:37

and it was a long pauses

30:39

like the cast and I'm like

30:41

oh my god This is Awful.

30:44

Awful. And yeah, it's ah. I mean

30:46

this is he has the most iconic

30:48

what? it most iconic people in the

30:51

world and this won't work. Thought of

30:53

that up. Ah

30:55

like the it is such a good that you're

30:57

trying to make. This connection is like I wanna

30:59

be is one other they've been or more to

31:01

say hire a want to have and I want

31:03

to get out and I did this movie and

31:05

there's a guy in this movie they would hang

31:07

out with all time He's like oh you know

31:09

already day and I'm like on of who's already

31:11

days a. Barbed. Energy or to to animate.

31:14

oh no I'd I'd known as a bat we're

31:16

we're buts were butts and of my are a

31:18

great me and every day told me about Rt

31:20

J and against first as I guess is that

31:22

bullshit and then I would say I knew a

31:24

couple people in his orbit rd Jays orbit know

31:26

they. Did. You know this person is a

31:28

oh yes a back as great and so it

31:30

sounds legitimate. This is a guy you're getting to

31:32

know who knows Robert Downey Jr and or and

31:34

now I'm like okay this guy knows Rt Jake.

31:37

Said. Comecon comes up and die he

31:39

goes hey. You're an accountant, Say

31:41

hey to our D J for me and

31:43

I'm like well that's never going to happen

31:45

But Ser Gregor of say hi ah and

31:47

so mumbled I get in this place where

31:50

I'm the way to go to an elevator

31:52

and I'm. Stacked up against Robert Downey

31:54

Jr. and he's dressed like a Tony Stark

31:56

to these Going out there to promote Iron

31:58

Man Two. and now my wife. With me

32:00

my wife was in Zodiac with advertising.

32:02

She's at my side and I know

32:05

what comes over me. but unlike any

32:07

Rt Jake, I don't know why. call

32:09

the Marty Jay Leno know. I've

32:12

been hearing it every day already. Like

32:15

I have no and at Rt J as

32:17

soon as I say that my wife who's

32:20

been holding my head this let's go. Like

32:23

a terrorist. Disassociate

32:26

this upstairs like

32:28

just a jets.

32:30

Fan and and I feel that and now

32:32

I'm like an eternity looks at me and

32:34

my say I am. I. Know and

32:36

I won't reveal disguise them ago I know

32:39

so and so and he looks at me

32:41

like I just spoken alien language but I

32:43

don't feel it's own. So as you know

32:45

Sam says we're really like oh and and

32:47

and in debt and get nothing's happening and

32:49

it and so I'm getting nervous as circling

32:51

more examples like skill to get these tattoos

32:54

he of with did this once and he

32:56

did this and and he's just looking at

32:58

me and now his bodyguards turn like and

33:00

now I see on his body such as

33:02

sued sex their next are bigger than my

33:04

side on i'm just and every. Part of

33:06

my body is like sweating and I'm just trying

33:08

to prove it or not. Crazy, I know, some

33:10

it's only I know. Like

33:13

a gambler who's losing. big to say.

33:16

You can't wait! I'm a dicey throwing an atomic. I didn't

33:19

even want to be here in the first like but I

33:21

know this guy you know they x and and I don't

33:23

know and he goes Him and. I. Don't you

33:25

talk about oh man am I. right?

33:28

And Addington with to do so

33:30

I say like i'm sorry I

33:33

must have gotten you confused with

33:35

somebody else ah average said already

33:37

j And then under my brother

33:39

Gov Robert Downey Senior. My

33:45

mind and like I don't I'm floundering

33:47

and I'm trend of butts And I

33:49

said Robert Downey senior like maybe was

33:52

your dad says you know how we

33:54

all get you to make us. Down.

33:58

A senior I am. Yeah

34:00

man I didn't recognize like I had a

34:02

and then thank God that elevator came and

34:04

I just I read I ran out of

34:07

Isaac. I'm not getting on. I could get

34:09

on that elevator. I could do it and

34:11

that is live with me this awkwardness and

34:13

and look over June and she's like what

34:15

was still in. Any

34:17

years later I had a friend who is on

34:19

adventures in there. I come from the set no

34:21

extra. I go, I go to Set and I'm

34:23

like it's fun having fun. And then Robert Downey

34:25

Jr. Watson said and I swear to God he

34:27

made eye contact with me and I felt like.

34:30

Every moment just came back like is it

34:32

I remember you you're insane and our size

34:34

and I literally that piece. gotta get outta

34:36

here. I left a less the set of

34:38

like school because set of ever been on

34:40

it was amazing. Big giant action scene see

34:42

later fi I still got got got such

34:44

a happy here it's too awkward for me.

34:46

Here's the one difference in us because it

34:48

gets really bad against really bad. and then

34:50

the guys that the securities looking see. And.

34:53

You know how I'm fascinated with how I could make

34:55

a bad thing worse. Yes is my favorite thing to

34:57

think about. And so I'm just obsessed with the idea

35:00

that he was his hey man. I don't

35:02

know who you're talking about that I

35:04

would reach out and grab his wrists

35:06

and say you will acknowledge me before

35:08

this elevated worn out on us or

35:10

else up like what can I do

35:12

in a subway say dumped it has

35:14

now and then I would I would

35:17

just as has to I would have

35:19

to I would have to malik bodyguards

35:21

their yeah oh and says it says

35:23

it's a came forward. You. Notice or

35:25

to come forward. I'd say you don't wanna mess

35:27

with me, You have no idea what I'm capable.

35:29

I would see. I would

35:31

keep doubling down. oh my that and and

35:34

I'd say I have a razor in my

35:36

psu. I would keep saying things that of

35:38

the and see more and more since. Try

35:40

and make it because the only way to

35:43

make it better to make it so much

35:45

worse as keep on pushing it over the

35:47

limit it really been admitted your town is

35:49

coming with me. You'll get a call from

35:51

an undisclosed location and he will admit over

35:54

the phone that. He does know that guy

35:56

I'm talking about. that I am that amount of

35:58

you are going to dude sets. About

36:00

it. I'm going kidnap him.

36:02

Brilliant man. Show him. Ah,

36:04

did you ever tell your

36:06

own ass? That same place since.

36:09

So I wimp out again because I didn't know what

36:11

a to so the movie had wrapped at that point

36:13

so we as timely seem years later and I'm like

36:15

says due to the do engine that don't what it

36:17

what would have to get out of this thing is

36:19

going to say oh we must say and I and

36:22

he was right they was right in my sights to

36:24

be like you screwed me over you don't know Robert

36:26

Downey Jr and I didn't I didn't do any the

36:28

I walked away from it because yeah what he going

36:30

to get out of it there's nobody there to get

36:32

up on of it it's like at that point it's

36:35

like you say oh you must have gotten confused I

36:37

get to me specific get confused I don't. Know

36:39

what happened? Can I ask you about

36:41

the Christopher Walken ago me out as

36:43

that's of it's just fall he's the

36:45

character that he just continues to fascinate

36:47

and I'm just gonna be. So when

36:49

I first came out to L A

36:51

just with my dad on a trip

36:53

together we did this I will the

36:55

U S displeasure like Wx fifth grade

36:57

yeah right we are a we we

36:59

gone singles Hollywood on the case and

37:01

you go to this will place he

37:03

pay seventy five bucks and they give

37:05

you the locations of everything shooting in

37:07

L A that day and. The stars

37:09

that are in it knows that is the

37:12

best things you could describe the set. The

37:14

set we went to Set Assignment Simon and

37:16

Highway to Heaven See how like met like

37:18

Michael right? Dating your sour? Yeah I mean

37:20

this is a set of Simon and signing.

37:23

Up we've got an emulated

37:26

your surrounds us memory stick.

37:29

With I met office Spencer

37:31

know. And

37:34

so we're kind of doing a whole day. We're

37:36

We're through the whole thing or meeting all these

37:38

people that. I'm I'm having the best time. It's like

37:40

I've never. Seen. A celebrity met a

37:42

celebrity and as a kid this like this

37:44

is moral exams. Yeah and so the last

37:46

place we go this movie is shooting. It's

37:48

called communion and I'm like I don't have

37:50

is a religious movie at home. Ago this

37:52

and we hang around and nothing's going on

37:54

in. a security guard approaches nice I guess

37:56

you were when we move stuff and I

37:58

was. I love them. a movie star, he's like,

38:01

Christopher Walken is right in there. Now, I don't know

38:03

Christopher Walken because I'm a kid. And I say my

38:05

dad, I'm like, who's that? And he's like, you know,

38:07

from Beautiful Kill, it's James Bond. It's a villain from

38:09

James Bond. I'm like, oh yeah, I want to meet

38:11

Max Zorin. So, you know, so, calm

38:14

down, Matt. Well, we covered that up. I

38:16

know. How did this get made? Yeah. Matt,

38:18

you're lactating right now. You're male lactating. So,

38:24

the bodyguard or the security guard leaves and

38:26

he comes back and goes, okay, Chris wants

38:28

to meet you, but no cameras,

38:30

no parents. And

38:34

so, my dad was like, what do you

38:36

want to do? And I was like, I

38:38

want to go meet Chris Walken here, take

38:40

this, you know, and the security guard like

38:42

walks me across the street and opens this

38:44

big warehouse door. And the warehouse is just

38:46

completely dark and ushers me to

38:49

go in. I walk in and he closes

38:51

the door behind me. So, now I'm alone

38:53

in a dark warehouse with like a sliver

38:55

of light from where the door was and

38:57

I'm standing there and I don't still really

38:59

know Christopher Walken. I don't, you know, and

39:01

from out of the darkness comes

39:03

this face. And this movie, Communion, is

39:06

about a man who like communes with

39:08

aliens. So, and I guess this

39:10

is a part in the movie where he is

39:12

really in it with the aliens because he's pasty

39:14

white. His hair is all slicked back. And I

39:17

swear to God, he's wearing these insane contact lenses.

39:19

Oh my God. And he comes. So,

39:21

his face looms out of the darkness. It's

39:24

like you're at the bottom of the sea and you know, where you

39:26

can only get inches ahead of you. And

39:28

then a creature just comes out of the

39:30

mist. And he's like, you know, and forgive

39:32

this terrible impression because he's like, hello little

39:35

man. And I was like, I was like,

39:37

and I'm like, I'm seeing this guy and

39:39

I'm like, and I don't know what to

39:41

do. And he gets down on his knees

39:43

to get like an eye, you know, and

39:45

he's like talking to me. And, you know,

39:48

and I've never, and again, a celebrity

39:50

is all new to me. And I have like in

39:52

my autograph book in my hand, which is not even an

39:54

autograph book. My dad's a pharmacist and it was like,

39:56

like a pad with like drugs

39:59

on it. literally, I still have it, I'll

40:01

bike it in, it says like bike it in on the

40:03

top, I'm like can you sign this? It

40:07

says Jamie Gert's on it ten times. In

40:11

a child's scrawl. He's

40:15

signing this thing and he goes, you know,

40:17

we're making a movie about aliens. Do you

40:19

believe in aliens? And I go, yeah,

40:22

and he goes, yeah, pretty interesting stuff. And

40:24

I'm like, okay, and then and then

40:26

he grabs me by both shoulders and pulls

40:28

me in. Now we're like he's again on

40:30

his knees. So we're eye to eye. He

40:33

goes, don't let anyone tell you what

40:35

you can or cannot do. Whoa.

40:38

And then also don't let anyone grab you

40:40

by the shoulders when you're in fifth grade

40:42

in the dark world. Yeah, and then he's

40:44

like, after that person, after that stranger has

40:46

insisted no parents may be pregnant. No

40:50

parents, no cameras, no cameras, no parents.

40:54

Now send a boy and I can grab. And

40:57

then just set me on my way and I have

40:59

this random Christopher Walken autograph

41:01

and oh and that's the other thing too, when

41:03

I got in there and he first introduces himself

41:06

to me, he goes, the light hurts my eyes.

41:09

And I was like, all right, it was really like I

41:11

was like, boy. Really,

41:14

uh, the Ben and he's so,

41:16

I just love that he had some advice to

41:18

impart on me and he gave me some good

41:20

advice. Yeah. And uh, in

41:23

the actual, when you examine the story, he's

41:25

being a really nice man. Yeah. That should

41:27

be made very clear. Yes, nothing. So he's

41:29

in a dark warehouse. Yeah, and he's requested

41:31

that a child be sent in. These are

41:33

things that he could give

41:35

that advice with the parent present too.

41:42

I have the same rules. Sona,

41:44

you know working for me that i've

41:46

often said over the years send a

41:49

child in. No, have you rented the

41:51

dark warehouse? I

42:01

know all the dark ones! Not the same one

42:03

as last time! That had too much light! I

42:07

also think that no one told me that he

42:09

was going to be in full character makeup too.

42:11

That's another crazy thing. I'm seeing this adult like

42:13

fully just like, I gotta watch that movie at

42:15

one point. I think he wanted to kind of

42:18

freak you out on purpose, like bring the kid

42:20

in, this will be funny. You know, I think

42:22

it sounds like it. I don't think so. I

42:24

think he was, like if I really looked at

42:26

it, I'm like, he's in crazy makeup and he

42:29

probably doesn't want a picture because he doesn't

42:31

want that look to get out there. I don't

42:33

know, you know, but it's

42:35

so funny that he was like, I need to impart

42:37

something on this kid. I need to talk to him. And

42:40

it was great. It was the best experience of my life.

42:42

I didn't appreciate it at the moment as much, but now

42:44

it is one of those things where it's like the best.

42:47

So I'm curious about what it

42:49

took because you talk about this in

42:51

the book, you had to sort of overcome a lot

42:53

in order to say, yeah, I think

42:56

I could get, I want to get married. Obviously, it's

42:58

meeting your wife. Well, it's so crazy because I think

43:00

that we live in this culture now where it's like,

43:02

it's not, I don't know, fashionable to get married. Like

43:04

none of my friends are married or anything like that.

43:06

You don't know what to do or I didn't know

43:08

what to do. Like it's like, okay, maybe we'll get

43:10

married. Maybe we'll do this thing. And, and,

43:13

and I think the stress of

43:15

asking someone to marry you is

43:17

an intense thing. And my wife is one of

43:20

these people that I'm going to remind you. It's

43:22

June. Thank you. Like the month.

43:24

Okay. Yeah. So, uh, Hey,

43:29

July, baby. I love you. It's June. Right.

43:31

Right. Right. I knew it was summer. So

43:33

may and I are out. Like,

43:37

you know, so I had kind of planned this, like, like,

43:40

you know, surprise. She didn't know I

43:42

was going to ask her to marry her. And I think there's

43:44

a lot of people like you plan it out. Like you pick

43:46

a ring out together and there's a little game

43:48

and chip there, but I didn't know I was going to do it all

43:50

in secret. June is the

43:52

type of person where you have to tell her every detail

43:54

of the night. She often will bail on one of the

43:56

details. We Can't do more than one thing in one night.

44:00

The a movie we can have dinner in a

44:02

movie oh really oh yes I know that one

44:04

one Dungy that and and my energy reserve is

44:06

over but decided he needed to get it was

44:08

second location because I knew that that's where I'm

44:10

going to propose share and as a hey you

44:12

know maybe we'll or even the way home from

44:14

dinner will go stop at this beach a here

44:16

it's nice and she's like okay and like okay

44:18

so we are committing to that the we're going

44:20

to were doesn't go to that beach that the

44:22

lock her in so she can't pull out of

44:24

and she's like day I will go to be

44:26

to the great just confirming the one more time

44:28

we are going I. Was going to

44:31

knows he knows you're getting engaged once. Since

44:34

the you know we're going to the

44:36

place where it's saw city of us.

44:39

And thirty? See those. That. Get A

44:41

So as we were driving home from the restaurant

44:43

ago I would go that beaches are why has

44:45

gone home He did say we're gonna order go

44:47

into they are it will go to the beach

44:50

so now like bringing her they are under duress

44:52

and I'm like I got proposing a proposed and

44:54

walking around to this thing I get ready. To

44:58

proposal is hop down on one knee and

45:00

ago gym know will you marry me and

45:02

she looks at me with this horrified look

45:04

on her face and are you doing and

45:06

I've never moves so fast in my life

45:08

that ring bucks got closed but sub back

45:10

in my pants a jump. other that what

45:12

what happened look at. Ways

45:15

i watch the bodies are gonna and see

45:17

thought I was doing a bit ah that

45:20

I had as I could does I just

45:22

brought hundred over one? Have I done of

45:24

marry me back you know and I'm a

45:26

middle of this De Vito. Self some like

45:28

I know it's not a bit and she's

45:30

like a You Shorts epidemic and like convincing

45:32

my wife that's a thought that that I

45:34

am. I trying to also understand that this

45:36

is what we deserve. Numbers about it, our

45:38

lives to bed. Yes and this is what

45:40

we deserve. Systems screwed not believed in that

45:42

moment. The person who will like leave one

45:44

room a her have a hidden Freddie Krueger

45:46

mask in the other, put it on and

45:48

come back in the what's scare the shit

45:50

out of her eyes A says course you're

45:52

not going to trust me when I asked

45:54

you to marry Mrs. Where You End masses

45:56

I find it as I. Said I had to

45:58

bring in one peloton. Well he forgot to mention

46:01

of so you know I had to convince her

46:03

wasn't a bit they did him and when you

46:05

know we chestnuts a slice moment we're under the stars

46:07

on the speech and I just hear from like the

46:09

distance. Get. A room of

46:11

as often as a kid has

46:13

been sitting on the bluff like

46:15

watching this whole thing play outside.

46:19

Our eyes and I turn and look into

46:21

the room at a given a gift. Want

46:23

to see if what is dead or switched

46:25

it up to another lined up. Just get

46:28

a room I worked wouldn't were getting or

46:30

we have a room we have. A runner

46:32

is a room with a leisurely biting into

46:35

the wedding. I'm assuming you test that the

46:37

ads. Room

46:39

Ah. You have an interesting

46:42

oh Wedding Vows that your wife insisted

46:44

on. June insists on I ah yes,

46:46

I promised I would never put on

46:48

scare tactics. With him as

46:51

a prank show Scary prank Josephus. Next you

46:53

have to put that your wedding bow because

46:55

then you can break That's But the thing

46:57

that was the best about our wedding was

46:59

she let me a higher Jack Nicholson impersonator

47:02

to be my best match. Ups

47:05

You deserve all bad. Us

47:08

A Jack has written nervous Arab

47:11

Allies Far as this jackass in

47:13

a first grader who arrested a

47:15

wet and or arrives to the

47:17

wedding length of a sorry I'm

47:19

Linda. Was at a party at Roman Polanski.

47:24

Ours is opening line now. The room is kind

47:26

of split. Of like parents and adults on

47:28

one side and all of our friends. A million our friends

47:30

and the others that are having. The. Best

47:32

time like ah is it safe and the

47:35

people another set of unpleasant you might know

47:37

Jack Nicholson Santa I now I had written

47:39

as offensive for the Jack Nicholson and I

47:41

was like you know it all in June

47:43

or as good as it gets. Just

47:47

Oh Walls of Cameo in a noisy

47:50

by he's gonna givers. In terms of

47:52

a near. what

47:55

did it like once over there is no

47:57

i did everything and you still marry How

48:00

is this? Hey, wait a minute. Why has this not been

48:02

a null? Why

48:04

didn't lightning strike? How'd you get about Schmidt

48:06

in there? So I

48:09

tell this guy the whole thing. Oh,

48:12

trust me, he does. Oh, I get it all in

48:14

there. And he goes, great, I got it. And

48:18

then the day of the wedding, he pulls me aside

48:20

and goes, you have a teleprompter. And

48:23

I go, teleprompter? No, it's the wedding.

48:25

There's no teleprompter at my wedding. He

48:27

goes, I'm not going to really remember

48:30

too much of the speech. And I go,

48:32

OK, well, read it. Yeah, I was like, yeah, you can

48:34

have it on paper. He's like, I can't see

48:36

it. I got to wear my sunglasses. He's

48:38

wearing his sunglasses. And and so

48:41

he starts devolving into

48:44

things that aren't even Jack Nicholson. He goes, June

48:46

and Paul. Yummy, yummy.

48:48

No. So

48:52

he starts improvising. Improvising

48:54

is Jack Nicholson. Yummy,

48:56

yummy, yummy. And

49:01

and like and and

49:04

then he ends his speech by going, and

49:06

if anyone wants to give me a hug,

49:08

I'll be standing right over here. Yeah,

49:12

he stood awkwardly on the floor.

49:15

You can leave. You can go. Yeah, you can go now. But

49:18

that Jack Nicholson, I did know that I married the

49:20

right person that when I brought that up to June,

49:22

she was like, you can have them. And

49:25

that was a nice, a nice moment. Yeah.

49:29

Would have not have gone over well for me. You're

49:32

the thing for impersonators. Remember that Mission Impossible

49:34

screening you did? And you had a Tom

49:36

Cruise impersonator. So I my friend

49:38

said, hey, you want to have like a

49:40

Mission Impossible screen? You can invite your friends to it. And

49:43

I was again. And so unbeknownst,

49:45

we get this beautiful theater impairment. We invite all of

49:47

our friends. And I

49:49

know this guy or I've seen this guy on

49:51

Instagram. He's a Tom Cruise impersonator. This would be

49:53

great. I'll have him introduce the movie. He looks

49:55

a lot like him and I

49:58

hire him. And, you know, It's going to

50:00

be fun and the guy's charging me a lot of money for literally just

50:02

like literally come in and say, hey, I'm so

50:04

excited about this movie. Ha ha. You

50:07

know? And so I get

50:09

there and all of a sudden someone comes up to me like, did

50:12

you hire Tom Cruise impersonator? And I

50:14

go, yeah. And they go, you can't do this. You

50:16

can't do this. And everyone's freaking out because we're on

50:18

Paramount property and it's Tom Cruise.

50:20

And they're like, we don't mess

50:22

with the, he does not like impersonators. You need

50:24

to get rid of this guy. And I'm like,

50:27

oh, you need to kill him. And

50:30

dispose of the body. And I'm like,

50:32

uh, by, I mean, it'll be fine. It'll be fun. And they're like,

50:34

you got to get rid of him. And I don't know what to

50:36

do. And, and luckily I'm like, I

50:39

think it'll be fine. I think

50:41

we'll tell nobody to take pictures of it

50:43

or anything like that. And he's like, and

50:45

I finally, like we, they

50:47

get him to relent and we bring in this guy and he crushed.

50:50

He was great. He was great.

50:52

He came in as Tom Cruise. Nothing

50:54

untoward about Tom. He did. He

50:56

did Tom Cruise a solid. I feel like. He

50:58

presented the best version of Tom Cruise.

51:00

Okay. Here's my impersonator story. The

51:02

year is, I believe 1984. I'm

51:07

just starting to befriend and write comedy

51:09

with, uh, Greg Daniels. And we're in

51:11

college and we go visit his parents

51:13

who live in Rhode Island at the

51:15

time. They live in Barrington, Rhode Island.

51:17

And his dad's a big wig at

51:19

the radio station. The father tells us

51:21

he's hired a Michael Jackson impersonator to

51:23

be the star of the parade. And

51:26

he said, can you guys help me out? Cause there were, it

51:28

was Greg, myself and

51:30

a couple of our friends. He said, can you

51:32

guys walk along on either side, like your bodyguards?

51:34

I'll give you a T-shirt, yellow T-shirts from the

51:36

radio station, but walk along and be sort of

51:38

like the bodyguards that walk along to protect. And

51:41

Michael Jackson is such a huge deal right now that

51:43

it could get out of hand. Just be there in

51:45

case something happens. And we say, okay. So

51:48

it's a big parade, 4th

51:50

of July, I think 1984, I want to say. And

51:54

I know this is real. I didn't make

51:57

this up in my crazy mind because someone recently

51:59

found a photograph. And I'm there is

52:01

another guy. Their damn. Mcgrath was tall and lanky like

52:03

me, and he liked the idea of you guys are

52:05

tall, you look like you could be bodyguards. We don't

52:07

or wherever. Six, four hundred and fifty five. Hour

52:11

and that's wearing a fifty pound

52:13

Have a Ah. So we're walking

52:15

alongside the motorcade suddenly that the

52:17

entourage his up. This is Michael

52:19

Jackson and Prisoner has an entourage

52:21

and then he shows up. Sona

52:23

looks more like my thoughts on.

52:27

This guy. that seriously.

52:30

Seriously As Lord our. God

52:33

that a lot of a site if

52:36

you wore a glove. Michael Jackson and

52:38

blogs a fan said I'm Michael Cera.

52:42

T looks like Michael Jackson but

52:44

he has his sunglasses on. Any

52:46

such a bad and they had

52:48

told everybody we've got a special

52:50

gown. I can I be a

52:53

real soil or for all of

52:55

you. So everybody turns out in

52:57

all of Rhode Island and I'm

52:59

walking alongside. His motorcade and this is

53:01

my favorite part at Keep looking up with

53:04

this guy in his sort of acts.

53:06

He started talking like Michael and acting

53:08

like seems been rough for him and

53:10

you know he has know how to

53:12

handle the new fame of being and

53:14

I'm thinking we're talking about I believe

53:16

you're from Cuba. And

53:19

of us do what I think

53:21

you have a does access. Everything's

53:24

wrong. You could lose some weight

53:26

like yours is crazy. So he.

53:28

Sees sitting in the and at one point.

53:31

People. I can tell her had sort

53:33

of bummed out in a one point a

53:35

kid steps out of the crowd with a

53:38

water balloon and it's right in my like

53:40

yeah i'm blocking it's between me and I

53:42

stepped back out of the way and he

53:44

nail clippers that. I

53:47

step out of the way up. remember

53:49

Greg dad after would say I saw

53:52

that. Thing.

53:54

And I was. Anathema.

53:58

Take. A water balloon, I've

54:01

alone a bullet. Absolute.

54:03

Imagine my surprise. I want to make sure

54:06

I mentioned the title yes this for

54:08

false. We could talk I believe for

54:10

fifteen hours so it will it. It's a

54:12

joy to talk to Paul and I

54:14

knew that so this is one of those

54:16

Just absolutely son It'll take a vacation

54:18

day and will make sure that none

54:20

of us get paid because we should be

54:22

part is often. Islanders were no no

54:24

no no you're gonna want their know

54:26

co pay for any of us as far

54:29

as has Adam. X with accept

54:31

and myself I have to protect reasons but

54:33

no one else gets paid today is that

54:35

it's that. Must have a joint. Mother's a

54:38

really nice well we've got a we quit

54:40

net worth within a different letter. Houses are

54:42

on my say you bet we're going to

54:44

Quinn and quietly have to have a seasoned

54:47

later. Nothing else going on as. I said

54:49

very. High as.

54:52

A Thank you Michael Michael Jackson.

54:56

Is ssssss Ah the books is joyful recollections

54:58

of trauma and I it it really is

55:00

a delight and or Paul Scheer big fan

55:03

of yours. I use your so funny and

55:05

you've got a big heart and please come

55:07

back because he could. We could do this

55:10

for fifteen hour and I would love to

55:12

have you come back to how did this

55:14

get made one time allows you to? I'm

55:16

not really fun, it was picked. Up

55:19

Please Just it's not a baby movie I know

55:21

no one has. Yeah yeah know we'll give you

55:23

I'd be able to do other good. Adding when

55:26

I would have been out of the such an

55:28

innocent young creature says as lighthouse that's high praise

55:30

that you're not as I can handle this. Is

55:34

it says upsetting? And. I know

55:36

the thing about Italians. Wait a second.

55:38

Say it on. Are you so. Yeah

55:42

baby with crazy conspiracy theory as

55:44

we never landed on the manifests

55:46

as this ah I'd go in

55:48

peace false year or right, Hey,

56:00

let's do a voicemail. What do you guys say?

56:04

Okay if no I don't want to

56:07

try again. Mickey Rooney he sincerely same

56:09

as was so suffered during the that

56:11

God will raise enough money to save

56:14

a town. Ah yes I would like

56:16

to do I would like to do

56:18

a voicemail I like to hear like

56:20

any king sometimes a way to remove

56:23

my crown and walk. Amongst.

56:26

The Peace: Okay here we have

56:28

out there. and hi, my name's

56:30

Ben. I'm from Ohio and my

56:32

question is a little morbid, but

56:35

there's a new technology or an

56:37

app where you can scan Qr

56:39

codes on someone's great stuff and

56:41

also a glimpse of there alive

56:44

or flashbacks or videos of them

56:46

or their legacy. So what would

56:48

your Qr code? So people Once

56:50

they scanned it and while we're

56:53

at a what would Jordan's Lansky.

56:55

Look like thank you. Well I gotta say

56:57

been that is a very imaginative question and

57:00

I don't find that more but in August

57:02

I'm a more the person. I

57:04

spend maybe half my day thinking

57:06

about my own death com and

57:08

making elaborate elaborate like elaborate plans

57:11

and rituals. I'm I love that

57:13

idea. I do think. That.

57:15

Gravestones are going to have

57:17

screens. They're basically just going

57:19

to be screens. Ah, and

57:21

everyone's going to. All

57:24

the pictures and video from their lives

57:26

so that when you're walking around in

57:28

a graveyard, you're actually walking through all

57:30

these screens and you can look at

57:32

what that person experienced in their lifetime,

57:34

your travels. The food they ate. Yes,

57:37

Occasionally a dick pic, but he. Is

57:40

gonna be. They're airing Samsung Tv of all

57:42

the yeah exactly. So do all. they won't

57:45

be traditional gravestones in the future. they'll all

57:47

be Samsung Televisions that you know. I have

57:49

a like a grave shape and it'll just

57:52

be wedged in the ground and people will

57:54

go to graveyards to really be entertained by.

57:56

What? People didn't A previous life.

57:59

The ultimate. Weirdness

58:01

is gonna be people

58:03

shooting themselves for alive,

58:05

people keeping themselves. Watching.

58:08

Other people's gravestones. so they're spending

58:10

mare a life time watching a

58:13

dead person's lifetime will that show

58:15

up on their. Graves. Cameo

58:17

when they die. Yes, yes.

58:20

And then the snake eats

58:22

its tail and civilization just

58:24

becomes inverted. And eventually

58:27

it disappears. As a

58:29

mind blower. but Ben, I'm glad you brought

58:31

this up because it's quite clear what my

58:33

Qr codes going to be. It's going to

58:35

lead you to. All. My greatest

58:38

Hits. Know everything from my

58:40

television career and ah, there's also

58:42

gonna be commercial so that it's

58:44

monetize. Oh no no yes, so

58:46

many mean oh no. That's perfect

58:48

because a grave needs up. Keep

58:50

My grave will be. Very.

58:52

Heavily visited. I mean, look at how

58:54

many people go see Elvis so we're

58:56

gonna need security upkeep. Ah, the one

58:58

of those red velvet ropes is going

59:00

to be concessions. Yes, I'm going to

59:02

probably do a lot of tie ins

59:04

and to make a lot of deals

59:06

before I go. And. There will

59:09

be commercials and that's gonna

59:11

help. Pay. To keep them giant

59:13

mausoleum looking good? What about it is

59:16

this very segment could be airing on

59:18

your gravestone? Do you want to say

59:20

anything to people that when they hear

59:22

this right now in their time will

59:24

be listening to you in out your

59:26

greater yeah? or that's a really good

59:28

appointment? Ah, want to say hello? I

59:30

had a good life. I'm not crazy

59:33

about the way I checked out on.

59:35

I still think it was someone in

59:37

my family who did me and right

59:39

arm and I mean breaks just don't

59:41

sale like that. They were pretty clearly

59:43

cut and I don't know why the

59:46

d I didn't investigate. ah I'm but

59:48

I'm gone. Let's deal with it And

59:50

ah were deal. Please really look into

59:52

my wife. I think she was

59:55

responsible. I guess I haven't placed in

59:57

Yeah, Can I please be play in charge of

59:59

putting the key. code on there because

1:00:01

I really know I really just

1:00:03

wanted to go to the menu for the Cheesecake Factory

1:00:09

I want you to put all this work into

1:00:12

getting your QR code right right people

1:00:14

go there it's

1:00:17

just to a menu for a restaurant. Well

1:00:20

but quite but quite a menu I mean the

1:00:22

cheesecake factory has I mean that's

1:00:24

quite a menu so yeah there's part

1:00:26

of me that's almost okay with that

1:00:29

Sona. Okay. Yes Matt you

1:00:31

have a question. I have a comment to those

1:00:33

people who are currently visiting Conan's grave right now

1:00:35

Sona and I are trapped in here can you

1:00:37

please get us out help. No no

1:00:40

because like any Pharaoh I want to

1:00:42

be buried along with my

1:00:46

service. We were killed when you died.

1:00:48

No no you weren't killed you were

1:00:50

buried alive with me. No that's my

1:00:54

biggest fear. Is it really? Yes.

1:00:56

Oh you won't do that? I

1:00:58

won't listen if it wasn't my biggest fear

1:01:00

I'd be fine. Okay that's your deal.

1:01:03

But I don't want to I would rather not

1:01:05

be buried alive it really is I have like

1:01:07

nightmares about it. That's your greatest fear? What

1:01:09

about you check into a hotel and the bar is closed?

1:01:13

Okay. Because

1:01:16

I've seen you when that happens and

1:01:18

you start throwing shit around the lobby

1:01:20

it's pretty it's pretty intense.

1:01:22

No you were buried with me because

1:01:25

and you willingly went you're my loyal

1:01:27

servants and everything I'm going to

1:01:29

need in the afterlife which includes Matt,

1:01:31

you Sona and

1:01:34

some recording equipment and a

1:01:36

lot of cheese popcorn that that

1:01:38

doesn't go stale it's hermetically sealed. That's all

1:01:40

we need in the afterlife. We're going to

1:01:42

be podcasting from the afterlife this is just

1:01:44

this is hell. I know. It's

1:01:47

not hell it's heaven. It's heaven.

1:01:49

I'm busy. Oh and think about all

1:01:51

the guests we'll get in the afterlife.

1:01:53

Well here comes a blinking in Gandhi.

1:01:56

And look they're with Dean Martin. Come on

1:01:59

over fellas. They're doing a

1:02:01

joint interview? Yeah. That's

1:02:03

amazing. Okay. Exactly. I guess. Yeah.

1:02:05

I love that. I think it's fantastic. We're going

1:02:07

to get the best podcast guests

1:02:09

in the afterlife. That's where all the great people

1:02:12

are. So I'm glad we had this talk and

1:02:14

I'm glad we answered this question. Ben, I'm going

1:02:17

to get to work right away on putting this

1:02:19

QR code on my gravestone. I hope

1:02:21

we don't need it for many, many years. But

1:02:25

that's up to my wife and her plan to get

1:02:27

me out of the picture. Anyway, we'll put a QR

1:02:29

code on it and it will link to all my

1:02:31

greatest hits. Plus every

1:02:34

20 minutes, the menu for

1:02:36

the Cheesecake Factory. Conan

1:02:41

O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien,

1:02:44

Sonam of Sessian and Matt Corley. Produced

1:02:46

by me, Matt Corley. Executive produced by

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1:02:50

at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and

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Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by

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1:02:57

Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our

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supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our

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associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering

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and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan

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