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1:36

sold, Hi,

1:44

my name is Taylor

1:47

Tomlinson, and I feel

1:49

thrilled about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

1:52

That's really sweet. Yeah. Thank

1:54

you. Hey

2:00

there, and welcome

2:02

to Conan O'Brien Needs

2:05

a Friend. And

2:20

got my two chums with me right here. Hi. Oh,

2:24

sorry, I put my glasses on. Oh, Matt, you're here too.

2:28

No, Matt Gorley, of course, here, and Son

2:30

of Obsession. Yeah. How are you? I'm doing

2:32

great. How are you? I'm doing great. Are

2:34

you? I am. OK. A lot of

2:36

people are asking me, how do I feel? Are you

2:39

OK? I am fine. You ate a

2:41

lot of spicy food on Hot Ones. Yes,

2:43

I went on the show Hot Ones. And

2:46

I was aware of the show,

2:48

obviously. It's a very successful show.

2:51

I can't say I was an expert

2:53

on the show. I went in thinking,

2:56

well, whatever happens, I just have to

2:58

eat all the wings and

3:00

just go for it and make a fool of myself.

3:03

And so I kind of had that plan in

3:05

mind, but didn't know much beyond

3:07

that. The host, very good, excellent. I like

3:09

that guy a lot. He's a very good

3:11

interviewer. He is. And they do a really good

3:13

job on that show. So Sean's asking me questions, and

3:15

I was just determined to just keep stuffing these wings

3:18

in no matter what. And then, of course, me being

3:20

me, I start drinking the sauce

3:22

and rubbing it around on my face and my

3:24

chest and everything. And so when

3:26

I walk around now, because a lot of people

3:28

have seen this, people keep asking

3:31

me if I'm okay. I wonder the

3:33

same thing. Well, I also just watched

3:35

Conan Must Go, which is fantastic, by

3:37

the way. And in Thailand, you get

3:39

pretty floored, albeit comedically, by some sauce.

3:41

So I thought, you're gonna go down

3:43

when I see Hot Ones. Yeah. No,

3:45

well, we played that up for comedy, and

3:47

then you're

3:50

allowed to, in a sketch world or

3:52

comedy world, you can fake things a little bit.

3:54

I'm aware of. Oh, that is that how comedy

3:56

works? Comedy works, really? I really, when I look

3:58

at you two, I think. An explanation

4:00

might be in order. So

4:03

what's the deal? Do you not have taste buds

4:05

or something? How did you do that? I have

4:07

never seen you eat spicy food. I don't eat

4:09

spicy food. You know, there's people

4:11

who like put Tabasco or Tapateo and stuff.

4:14

I've had so many meals with you and I've

4:16

never seen you eat spicy food. I have a theory

4:18

is that the only thing worse

4:20

than that amount of thermal spice

4:22

would be you not somehow getting

4:24

the attention that eating all of

4:26

that would give you. Yes. I'm

4:29

joking aside. And also I've had

4:31

a bunch of people posit that I have the

4:34

red haired gene. You know, when I

4:36

go to the dentist and they give me Novocaine,

4:38

they then go to drill and it's like I

4:40

haven't had Novocaine. And I'm always saying I feel

4:42

everything right now. And they always

4:44

say, oh yeah, you're a redhead. I don't know

4:46

if that's, but I've had many dentists say that

4:48

to me and they keep, they give me a

4:50

lot more and they say the redheads have whatever,

4:53

higher pain threshold or something. I don't know what

4:55

it is. Meaning you feel less pain, you feel

4:57

more pain. I don't, you don't, well, you don't

4:59

feel, I don't know, I don't know exactly how

5:01

it works and I'm just freewheeling here. I just

5:04

know what I've been told by people. I

5:06

don't think it's it. I think you have

5:08

it, Matt, which is I've always been, if

5:10

I think something will be funny, I'll do

5:12

it and deal with it later.

5:15

And did you? Yeah, I

5:17

did deal with it later. I was

5:19

dealt with later. How did it manifest

5:21

itself? I've

5:23

spot welded. I mean,

5:25

I mean, we're all thinking the same

5:27

thing. I spot welded. I went

5:29

to it. I went. I wanted it. How

5:32

much did you shit? How much did your

5:35

butt hurt? Here's what I decided to do. And

5:38

do your butt taste better? Here's

5:40

what I decided to do. I decided that

5:43

I wanted after I ingested all that, I

5:45

wanted it to be useful. So

5:47

I found a construction site where they were doing

5:49

spot welding and

5:51

I went there and I said, gentlemen,

5:54

if you want, I can weld these

5:56

girders for you in about I'm guessing

5:58

about 15 minutes. You'll

6:01

need to avert your eyes because I'll be

6:03

dropping my pants." And

6:06

they said, okay. And I said, I will

6:09

need someone to stay behind and light it,

6:12

and then we'll be all set to go.

6:15

So there's a building in the Mid-Wilshire

6:17

District that's going up. And

6:21

I think I did about 65 rivets

6:24

in the building. And people were

6:26

driving by saying, Conan O'Brien, pants

6:28

around his ankles, and I

6:30

think fire is shooting out of his ass and

6:32

he's welding a building. And here's

6:34

the biggest problem. I

6:37

had to join the union. But

6:41

that way everybody wins. There's a building, and

6:43

trust me, that section of the building will

6:45

never fall. That's the best.

6:48

And they've had an engineer say, whoever

6:50

did this, these are heat temperatures we've

6:52

never seen. Every

6:55

time you're going to weld something, you just have to eat

6:57

a lot of hot wings? Yes, I'm in the union

6:59

now. And all I have to do is, I've

7:02

got all the sauces from Hot Ones. You

7:05

are the saddest X-Man ever. Meet

7:07

the X-Men! Really? He's

7:10

on the X-Men? What do we do with him?

7:12

His name's Ass Welds. And you know what

7:16

it is? I have a bandolier, and

7:19

instead of ammunition, it's just sauces.

7:23

And they're like, what are we going to do? How are we

7:25

going to get out of this thing? The bad guys have sealed

7:27

us in this lead safe. Hold on a second! Did

7:36

you have to pull your pants down? You

7:38

have to pull your pants down. Does your

7:40

uniform have a compartment? Oh yeah, the uniform

7:42

has, well actually it's a very tiny flap

7:44

that's the exact circumference of an anus. It's

7:48

a tiny circle that unflaps, and then

7:50

just a beam of the whitest light

7:52

you've ever seen comes out. A phosphorous.

7:54

A phosphorous, yeah. And everyone has to

7:56

put on the Weldon

8:00

Goggles. all right but no I did. Was you

8:02

know like there many times I've done I would

8:04

you sketches and they would say i if I

8:06

think it's funny to get thrown out of a

8:08

window yes even at my age I will say

8:10

no no no I want to do it. Jeff

8:13

Ross always goes oh c'mon c'mon don't wouldn't get

8:15

on my so no I want to do it

8:17

near the know a cruise of comedy where he

8:19

does acts in that way you will do comedy

8:21

that we have a he does it well. As

8:25

a whole thing but I you that's cool

8:27

things but I love zoos still because I

8:29

don't know I was. In a lot of

8:31

brothers and I liked to be tossed around

8:33

I like to smash through things. I'm very

8:35

happy to do it and then if I

8:37

heal as a seal something does I'll just

8:39

keep doing it hits his If I think

8:41

people are laughing and seven years on the

8:44

show would always come out an animal segments

8:46

because people would come in they would bring

8:48

i don't love I have a in I

8:50

get freaked out around snakes and I get

8:52

free down around insects and spiders stay would

8:54

bring them and I would I would say

8:56

oh no no just put it on my

8:59

forehead and I would. Do it because audiences

9:01

really liked it and I knew own

9:03

a single this is funny. Fights in

9:05

in real life is no one there

9:07

to last at it. I would be

9:09

horrified and never do it. So what

9:11

was the immediate. The media

9:14

response to the being on

9:16

was I think my eyes

9:18

were incredibly ronnie. And. My

9:20

mouth really hurts. The thing that was

9:22

the most interesting as of a my

9:24

wedding ring. some sauce because I was

9:26

rubbing my hands around and yet all

9:29

and you ran on your nipples is

9:31

an arm. Some got threats as I

9:33

will you wash your hands right afterwards

9:35

but some of the sauce.underneath my wedding

9:37

ring. David. Hopping was driving me home

9:40

and he was like a you are you

9:42

okay and my time fine and but I

9:44

noticed that my wedding ring was burning. Seven

9:46

it has. It's what hasn't burn like that

9:48

since they put an army of the also.

9:51

Have to take that Why? that's. it

9:54

was burning and burning and then i i took

9:56

it off and i saw like oh right there's

9:59

acid underneath that So, but

10:01

the craziest thing about that is that the

10:04

hot ones generated all these nice things that

10:06

people were saying online and retrospectives about, oh,

10:08

I really liked the thing Conan did in

10:10

98. I liked the thing he

10:12

did in 2004, which is all very sweet, but

10:14

I had a bunch of friends who saw my

10:16

name all over Twitter and the first assumption is

10:18

he's dead. So I did

10:20

have people say, oh my God, I thought,

10:22

finally. We can all talk now. Eliza

10:27

immediately got into another relationship. Immediately.

10:29

She has a guy on deck.

10:32

Yeah, for sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

10:35

Sorry. Can I also say

10:38

Jose was so funny as

10:40

the doctor? Oh my God. He really

10:42

made me laugh a lot. There's a

10:44

story of that. Jose Arroyo is extremely

10:46

talented comedy writer and Jose's been a

10:48

writer for me for years and he's

10:51

worked on travel shows and the show

10:53

and he's just, he's brilliant. Jose is

10:55

brilliant and I love him to death.

10:57

Jose, whenever we did a sketch where

11:00

someone had to be in a white

11:02

coat and be an authority figure like

11:04

a scientist or a doctor, Jose would

11:07

play that. And so the

11:09

day before or maybe two days before

11:11

Hot Ones, I thought, I don't think anyone's done this,

11:13

but I want to show up with my physician, Dr.

11:15

Arroyo. So I call Jose and

11:18

I said, Jose, I'm going to go on this show Hot Ones.

11:20

He's like, yeah, I know Hot Ones. And I said, and I

11:22

love Jose because he just knows exactly when. And so I want

11:24

to bring you on and he's like, yeah, yeah, you're doctor. And

11:28

I said, you know, we're not even doing a

11:30

show. You know, Jose's not

11:32

working for me technically right now. I said,

11:35

do you have a lab coat? And he

11:37

went, yeah, I have a medical coat. And

11:39

he's not a doctor. And he's like,

11:41

and he's got a stethoscope because he knows.

11:44

And if anyone wants to see him, one

11:46

of the reasons I really wanted him to

11:48

do that was because Jose, we shot a

11:50

segment, we did a travel show in Australia

11:52

and we're on Bondi Beach, which is and

11:54

there's that iconic shot. There's

11:56

that famous lifeguard show that's from Bondi Beach.

12:00

I wanted to train to be a lifeguard

12:02

there. So we got an iconic shot of

12:04

me running on the beach in slow motion

12:06

and then you widen out and I'm running

12:08

with my dermatologist in

12:10

slow motion who's running alongside me and it

12:12

was jose in full,

12:14

uh, dr Arroyo regalia So

12:17

if you want to see a very funny

12:19

clip look up this must be out there somewhere

12:22

Funniest line he had on the hot ones was so many

12:24

you go like what are you studying? He goes in the

12:26

90s in the 90s Yeah,

12:29

where did you where did you go to school? Yeah, where'd

12:31

you go to school in the 90s? No Yeah in 1990

12:33

or when you take your pulse and he just chokes you

12:37

No, he is He is

12:39

so Funny and eternal.

12:42

Thanks, uh to hosea arroyo

12:44

and also just another he is brilliant across

12:46

the board He's a great writer, but he's

12:48

also a really funny cartoonist He's had cartoons

12:51

in the new yorkers a couple of times

12:53

I think one one time I gave an

12:55

idea for a cartoon and he drew it

12:57

up and submitted it Under both our initials

12:59

and it got in and I was like

13:01

as delighted jose is a uh force I

13:04

just wanted to quickly ask was there a moment at

13:06

which you were like, this is a bad idea while

13:08

you were doing it No, I don't know. I got

13:10

through a bunch of the wings and I thought I

13:12

can I can do this and Even

13:14

if I can't do it i'm going to do

13:16

it. Does that make sense? Yeah, like yeah, you're

13:18

in the zone You're in the zone because because

13:20

early on i'm i'm i'm taunting shawn Oh,

13:23

baby, you know, and so once you do

13:25

that There's only one way you can go

13:27

you can't stop after the fourth wing and

13:30

then start talking about you I'm really excited about my new

13:32

project Did I

13:34

have to smash everything probably not did I have

13:36

to rant and have milk come out my mouth?

13:39

Not sure. Yeah, but those are things that you

13:41

do so that your children never look you in

13:43

the eye again Anyway, we should

13:45

get into the show because we have a wonderful

13:47

show. Um, I guess today is a hilarious comedian

13:49

So funny. She does not have to resort Yeah

13:53

bullshittery She hosts after

13:55

midnight weeknights on cbs her latest

13:57

special have it all is now

13:59

streaming I

14:12

have a very clear memory of the first time I

14:14

met you, which is you showed

14:16

up on the tour. I don't remember which

14:18

city it was, but they said Taylor's here

14:20

and she's not well. You

14:23

were really sick with some bug and I

14:25

went back and you were about as sick

14:27

as anyone I've ever seen. You

14:30

were quite ill and I was like, oh my

14:32

God, this poor woman. Physically and

14:34

mentally. Physically and mentally. But we mean physically in

14:36

this case. And they said you were fine before

14:38

I walked in. And then, no,

14:40

but you were really sick and then I

14:42

said, are you okay to do it? And you went, yep, I'm fine.

14:45

And then you went out and killed

14:47

it. You were very young. I mean,

14:49

you're still really young, especially. Yeah, you

14:51

are. What are you talking

14:54

about? I'm 30. I feel like

14:56

it's over. 30 is not like young anymore. Young

14:59

anymore, is it? To me, it is. You

15:01

are an embryo. You

15:04

are a frozen egg as far as I'm

15:06

concerned. I just have to keep

15:08

clearing milestones in order for people to think I'm young.

15:10

They're like, you're young for like a late night host.

15:12

Yeah. Okay. There you go. I watched

15:15

your first episode this morning on YouTube

15:17

because you were 30. Right. I had

15:19

just turned 30. Yeah. Same.

15:21

And you had the little calendar and it

15:23

was September 1993. Yeah. So

15:25

six weeks before I was born. Oh, that's

15:27

so crazy. Isn't that crazy? Well, see, I

15:29

think that puts into context just how young

15:31

you are. That my career,

15:34

my show started six months before

15:36

you were born. But

15:38

I remembered you having, I was

15:41

really impressed with, obviously

15:43

you had just amazing material, but you would march

15:45

out there and you were at the time, 20,

15:47

21, a long time ago.

15:51

I was 24, I think. I had

15:53

done your show. You had done my show. You

15:56

marched out, killed it, walked

15:58

off stage, was really sick. And

16:01

I was very impressed. I

16:03

said this to you in the hall and

16:06

I said to myself, say that again on

16:08

mic, but I want to congratulate you for

16:10

like 15 things because you've just did your

16:12

third Netflix special. You have a late

16:15

night show. People have found you.

16:17

You made this whole thing happen. I'm

16:19

so happy for you. I want to start

16:22

on that like nice note and then we'll

16:24

devolve into petty grievances. That's so nice. That's

16:26

really lovely. But also, you're terrific. You're

16:29

absolutely fantastic. And

16:31

I was just, I don't know, everything

16:33

that's been happening for you. I just am

16:35

watching now from the sidelines and

16:38

just saying, oh my God, yes, go

16:40

Taylor, go. This is totally

16:42

deserved. This is the right, all the

16:44

best things are happening to someone good and that

16:46

doesn't always happen. Oh, that's really nice. We're going

16:49

to cut all this out, right? No, no, no,

16:51

no, we're not, we're not recording. Oh terrific. I

16:53

don't even mean any of this. I'm

16:57

practicing for someone I really like. We

17:01

have real stars coming on later this week. This

17:03

is sort of a warm up for me. This

17:08

is for one of the Wayans brothers. You know, I've just got

17:10

this whole thing memorized. I don't even know which one.

17:13

It kind of can go with any Wayans. When

17:16

you were doing your show, did

17:18

you ever have episodes where you're like, oh,

17:20

thank God, I'm not nervous to talk to

17:22

this person at all. Like however this goes,

17:24

fine. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

17:27

it's funny because I can talk shop with you, which

17:29

I love. I mean, there's so

17:31

many things to talk about. I loved

17:33

the special that you just did for

17:35

Netflix and thought there were so many,

17:37

so many great jokes. You

17:40

had this thing that you said at one

17:42

point, my brother is trans, my sister is

17:44

gay, and I identify as afraid. And I

17:46

thought, well, you really watched it. Yeah. No,

17:49

I was. You know, you started, you're like, it

17:51

was great. It was so you. And I'm like, me, my, no.

17:54

Well, no. I really

17:56

identified with you tell a story in your

17:58

special. I'm wearing some. to

18:00

not give away stuff, but you tell a

18:02

story that's really funny about Hugh Jackman. And

18:05

I was watching it and I was

18:07

really laughing because you're talking about how

18:09

he's like a surreal ethereal creature,

18:11

not of this earth. And I have my

18:13

own Hugh Jackman story, which is not part

18:16

of a Netflix special. I pitched it many

18:18

times. You'll get there. No. You'll get there.

18:20

Don't worry. They said, I think the quote

18:22

is, no appetite for Conan on the

18:25

algorithm. But I mean, I've

18:27

already given it away, but I was in a gym. I

18:30

was in Atlanta on some job and in a

18:32

hotel and I found out they had a gym

18:34

and I'm like, I'm trying to take care of

18:36

myself lately. I'm going to hit the gym and

18:38

I'm always inordinately proud of myself when I can

18:40

hit the gym when I'm on the road or

18:42

something. So I hit the gym and there's this

18:44

machine where it sort of helps lift you up,

18:46

but you're kind of using your body weight by

18:48

not all your body weight. You know that one

18:50

and you're kind of going up and down and

18:52

you're working your lats and I'm like, I'm doing

18:54

a really, and then I in my peripheral vision

18:57

became aware that someone was doing what I was

18:59

doing, but twice as fast and without the

19:01

assistance of the little hydraulic thing. And

19:05

I look over and I swear to God,

19:07

it's Hugh Jackman. He's lifting his own body

19:09

weight and he's got this perfect V-shaped torso

19:11

and he is the handsomest man you'll ever

19:13

see. And he turns to me and he

19:15

recognizes me because he'd been on the show

19:17

a couple of times. He's just like, hey,

19:19

how are you Conan? Good to see but

19:21

didn't even break his stride. And

19:23

I had a little hydraulic thing going like, I'll

19:25

help you. And

19:30

I just looked at his body and looked at

19:32

mine. I think I called it quits. I think

19:34

I tried to see if they

19:36

would open the bar at 10 in

19:38

the morning. But I mean, there's so

19:40

many things in your special that I

19:42

could relate to. And the thing that

19:44

I love so much about your comedy

19:47

is that you are so brutally honest,

19:49

but it's always to a purpose. That's

19:51

so nice. Oh my gosh. Again, this

19:53

will all come out. This is for

19:55

Damon. That's for Damon Wayans. That's

20:01

really, really nice. But

20:03

yeah, there's so much we can... I know. It's

20:06

hard to know where to start. I mean, I

20:08

also have a lot of questions. Well, I would

20:10

love you to ask questions because those

20:13

are some of my favorite interviews because it's

20:15

about me. And

20:19

how do I feel about Conan? I

20:22

love him. He's great. I love

20:24

the... You don't. That's true.

20:27

I have a lot of misgivings about Conan. But

20:30

you are a lovely name drop for me when

20:32

people are like, yeah, I love Conan. I'm like...

20:35

And then I just put on sunglasses and start swirling wine.

20:37

And I'm like, he's exactly what you want

20:39

him to be. He's a great

20:41

guy. And they're like, you

20:43

know Conan? I'm like, yeah. We went on

20:46

tour. We went on tour together. We went on tour

20:48

together. We had some really good times. We

20:51

did some times on a bus. I

20:54

don't know. It just felt to me like

20:56

you arrived fully formed completely. You had it all.

20:58

It's not like, well, I saw you when that

21:00

banana is still kind of green. It needs a

21:02

little more time. Like, no, no, no. You were

21:04

just ready to go. That's so nice. And

21:06

what a great transition. Have it all streaming

21:09

on Netflix. Have

21:11

it all, have it all. You'll

21:14

probably lose it all. Yeah,

21:18

that's really, really nice. I mean, obviously

21:21

getting this late night gig, which is

21:23

so different than your show because it's

21:25

like a fake game show and it's

21:28

like a reimagining of at midnight. And

21:31

there were a lot of people, because we did so

21:33

much press after it was announced before we were actually

21:35

doing the show. And so I did

21:37

all these interviews where people weren't

21:40

totally sure what it was or like a lot of people

21:42

online when it came out were like, we thought this was

21:44

a talk show and CBS screwed Taylor Tomlinson.

21:46

And I'm like, we were never doing a

21:49

talk show, everybody. Like, I tour on the

21:51

weekends. Like, I'm not going to do a

21:53

show Monday through Friday. But

21:56

like, it's funny because people keep saying.

22:00

Saying like oh it's your show and

22:02

I'm like it's really not like this

22:04

is like if anything our show like

22:06

it's such a great. Team of people and

22:08

it's why I wanted to do the show. Because

22:10

I I wanted to. Like. Have these

22:12

coworker as a was like yeah I'm like I would

22:14

have fun with all these people make a new

22:16

thing every day but like. They. Were

22:19

asking me questions like so when you designed

22:21

the satellite or as I know there are

22:23

so you're booking the show my own bogus

22:25

hour ago when you're hired the writers on

22:27

like I didn't hire the writers and I

22:29

want them to like me so bad. At

22:32

all I had I. Had no I'm like I

22:34

can't take credit for anything about this

22:36

show. I don't dress myself like right?

22:38

right? I shrugged. Someone does my hair

22:40

and makeup. They put me in close

22:42

on like an American girl doll the

22:44

other thing on a cart around. like

22:46

I really don't like everyone. On that

22:48

show I think the pro has a hard job.

22:50

Than I do and also like I don't have you thought

22:52

the so I mean. You are using cue

22:54

cards right? Yeah, okay we have a teleprompter.

22:56

It's like a little computer say type

22:59

our wrestling card but it's so it's like

23:01

some as I don't smack on the

23:03

see if. You

23:05

know, I never had a teleprompter hover. Never

23:08

know because we change things too much as

23:10

a last second and was so. We always

23:12

did cards and so I just changed things

23:14

in the As bronzer it's easier to just

23:16

type it is yeah says the device. They

23:20

said, well that Saddam had happened

23:22

on a prompter. As a

23:24

killer was they just in one by one is is N

23:26

B C and and turn of it's and want to buy

23:28

a process jaegers I of my Conan cue cards because they

23:30

give it to you when you do a late night show

23:33

which is very angry one is that. The

23:36

things that she's a semester for The I

23:39

know the hell are we gotta cut a

23:41

hole. No one. Like

23:43

that line every time we we wrote a

23:45

new joke a tree fell on the for

23:47

a summer recess of but when I started

23:49

doing it when I did like the screen

23:51

tests and everything me when I started. doing

23:53

the show and rules like so impressed when

23:55

you can read a teleprompter two point where

23:57

i was a dribble think i'm done Like

24:00

I know I didn't finish college, but

24:02

like you wouldn't finish Harvard. You know

24:04

what I mean? But I studied teleprompter.

24:06

Yeah But

24:08

everyone was just like it's really hard some

24:11

people don't know how to read Teleprompters and

24:13

I was like, okay, like I'll take any

24:15

credit you'll give me but this

24:17

was again I was like so nervous about it.

24:19

I was practicing reading teleprompters

24:22

on tik-tok local news anchors

24:25

We'll do like now for a teleprompter challenge.

24:27

And so I was just reading like

24:29

five-car pile-up on today's freeway Like

24:31

put in a funny way. I'm like pretend like it's the

24:33

show and like let's see how fast you can read it

24:38

There's all these little things and

24:40

then there's the big thing the thing that no one's

24:42

thinking about is The advice you

24:44

get this is the biggest name drop of

24:46

all time for my generation anyway But just

24:49

before I started I got to meet Johnny Carson And he

24:51

knew that I was gonna be taking over the late-night show

24:53

and he said just be yourself and I was like Okay,

24:56

then I did the show for a couple months and no

24:58

one liked it And I

25:00

always pictured that Johnny Carson would call me and

25:02

say they didn't know that that was you But

25:14

I always realized that it's more complicated

25:16

than just be yourself because it's just

25:18

be yourself in the most artificial Environment

25:21

in the world, which is three two

25:23

one and Taylor go Yeah, and it

25:25

just took me a long time to

25:27

realize Oh, this is the skill because

25:29

I need to figure out how can

25:31

I just be this? Person

25:34

that I am I didn't want to be a fake

25:36

person. I wanted to be a real person

25:38

but in a freakish environment Yeah, yeah

25:40

No, I definitely I mean I say to the live

25:43

audience we have in studio sometimes Because I'll be

25:45

like playing off the comedians we have on the

25:47

show and then I have to go to the

25:50

next game Which is me reading

25:52

the teleprompter and so we're like, oh, yeah, it's great

25:54

And I go. All right, I have to go back

25:56

into teleprompter again And I know it's gonna feel jarring

25:58

to just be like and yeah Totally and

26:00

we know each other in today's

26:03

internet news But

26:06

you're like, okay, just everyone I know to and

26:08

it's gonna cut together three So

26:20

now where else can you go surfing and skiing the same

26:22

day, huh? I don't know or

26:25

check out a world-class art museum and then camp

26:27

at a dark sky sanctuary that night, huh? Yeah,

26:30

yeah, where else can you hike through

26:32

redwoods and then get a luxury spa

26:34

treatment? Where well you

26:36

live there? California California Sona

26:38

no matter where you go across

26:40

the state. You'll find a way

26:43

to play I'm a California

26:45

resident. So we Sona you are a

26:47

lifelong, California resident. I'm a lifer. I love

26:49

this This is a beautiful

26:51

state gorgeous so many different

26:53

wonderful Ecosystems in one

26:55

state you can hang out by a

26:57

Palm Springs pool, you know, you can

26:59

go whale watching You can go hiking

27:02

in Yosemite and then talk

27:04

about the great cities in California You

27:06

get all that amazing food sushi, whatever

27:08

you want. They got it in California

27:10

Hey, if you can't find it in

27:12

California, man, you got a problem. Yeah,

27:14

I shouldn't have done that I made

27:16

that up on my own. Anyway, I

27:18

love California discover why California is the

27:20

ultimate playground head to visit California comm

27:22

to start planning your trip today Sona

27:35

is your money is it working for you?

27:37

Is it just kind of sitting around being

27:39

lazy? I mean, it's underneath my mattress. Isn't

27:41

that where it should be? I know that's

27:43

what we were taught by our great-grandparent Yeah,

27:45

but your hard-earned cash should always be working

27:47

towards a better financial future It's

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I'm telling you. I need someone to tell me

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your money's falling out of your pocket right now.

28:28

I know. It's just, wherever a sauna goes,

28:30

there's a trail of money. I just stuff all

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a registered broker dealer. I'm

29:04

going to be honest. No one really knows what you

29:06

do for work, especially if you're in B2B. That's

29:09

a business doing business with other businesses. Oh, I

29:11

didn't know you knew what that was. I know

29:13

exactly what that is. B2B, I use that all

29:15

the time. Businesses doing businesses with other businesses. Fortunately,

29:17

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29:19

who get what you do, and you can

29:22

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29:48

That's crazy. Yeah, just go

29:50

to linkedin.com/Team Coco to claim

29:52

your credit. That's linkedin.com/Team Coco

29:54

terms and conditions apply. I

29:57

get to say this again. Listen, LinkedIn the

29:59

place. to be to be right

30:16

honestly the best thing Colbert said to me

30:18

is before I think the week before we

30:20

even Colbert even Colbert okay I can't

30:22

call him Stephen no no I just

30:24

disrespectful I only say I

30:27

only say that because I'm I don't feel

30:29

people know him and the words not out

30:31

but it's even Colbert okay and he has

30:33

the show that's on before Taylor

30:35

and it's it's it's fun anyway

30:37

go ahead and shout out to Stephen I

30:39

know he's a huge he likes to just

30:42

sit I think in a parking

30:44

lot in his hometown and just listen to

30:46

this podcast over and over again he's I heard it

30:48

was a hot tub it's a hot tub yeah he's

30:50

has a hot tub in his car in a parking

30:53

lot anyway it's all very sad

30:56

but anyway what did Stephen Colbert tell you

30:58

even Colbert um we were at

31:00

dinner the week before the show came on and he gave me

31:02

a lot of great advice and he has the entire time

31:04

but one thing he said that was really helpful

31:06

is he goes you don't have to be as

31:08

good as you think you have to be like

31:10

right away he's like as a host of a

31:12

late-night show like people are just happy to see

31:15

you like people just want to hang out with

31:17

you at night like you don't have to

31:19

be hilarious every second and I was like

31:21

oh okay great then I want

31:23

to try like I

31:26

think that philosophy has really hurt Stephen

31:28

because every time I see a show

31:30

I think she's not even crying this needs to

31:33

be better and I've told

31:35

that we're friends I tell him this all the time but

31:37

he know he's always saying no I don't have to try

31:39

it's okay people are just happy to see me

31:41

like no raise the bar

31:43

man well that's the other thing too is

31:45

like he's like for example he was like

31:48

so you should go out before the show

31:50

and like talk to the audience

31:52

and like build some rapport and like you know ask if

31:55

anyone has any questions and I did that for

31:57

the first couple weeks and I haven't said this

31:59

to him but I probably should like

32:01

I've told other people I don't know if

32:03

Stephen realizes he's much more famous than I am

32:06

So people have questions for Stephen

32:09

Before his show they're like oh, thank God. He's gonna

32:11

talk to us and what I'm like does anyone have

32:13

any questions They're like we know where the bathroom

32:18

We're good like can you just get on with it?

32:20

You know what you now made me really want to

32:23

go and sit at the audience of Stephen

32:25

show and put my hand up

32:27

and ask where the bathroom is I

32:31

really want to do that Because

32:33

people in his audience come with questions for him

32:35

specifically and I go up and I'm like anybody

32:37

have anything they're like Not really and I was

32:39

like great. I was also gonna ask because you

32:41

didn't go into Dressing rooms before

32:44

the show right I did. Oh you did No,

32:52

I will tell you why when it was women I

32:54

was told sometimes that my appearances were

32:57

abrupt And

32:59

it almost looked like I was trying to catch them So

33:02

I got a talking to remember Sony you talked to me

33:05

you were the one yeah I was I was like stop

33:07

just barging in there man You know often then you come

33:09

in with the women you kick the door open and go

33:11

I'm coming No,

33:14

I would I wouldn't do it all the time but I

33:17

would sometimes I thought if

33:19

there was a guest Especially if

33:21

there was a guest that I wasn't sure what the chemistry

33:23

was gonna be I wanted to go

33:25

in first and get a reading of like what

33:27

is art and you can tell you can go

33:29

in and If

33:32

I had a difficult time I remember

33:35

going in and I can say

33:37

Lance Armstrong years before his You

33:40

know scandal he was on the show and he was like

33:42

the biggest you know thing in Cycling

33:44

and and one of the biggest figures in sports and

33:46

I was excited to have him on I know Anything

33:49

about him personally and I went in to talk to

33:51

him He was very just kind of felt like he

33:53

had a chip on his shoulder and I couldn't connect

33:55

And I can I can connect with a

33:58

burnt-out light bulb if I have to I

34:00

can I can really connect if I and

34:02

I couldn't figure it out. I have chemistry

34:04

with everyone Yeah, I know is not on

34:07

me, but I just I said yeah your

34:09

chemistry seems altered But

34:12

no I left the room and you know my

34:14

producer was eating a bowl of soup and what's

34:16

going on I said I said Jeff. I don't

34:18

know I don't know about with Lance Armstrong, and

34:20

he's like oh, I'm sure it'll be good slurp

34:23

slurp and So

34:25

then I you know we had the interview and I felt

34:27

the same thing Yeah, you know it's not anyone

34:29

would look at it now and go like oh, it's fine But

34:31

I couldn't I couldn't figure it out,

34:34

and I like to go in

34:36

sometimes sometimes there are people who were really nervous

34:40

Really nervous and sometimes surprising

34:42

because extremely famous actors. I'm a huge. I

34:44

mean I love Joaquin Phoenix I love

34:46

him I think he's a terrific actor

34:48

and I think he was what a

34:50

lot of people forget is that these people

34:52

have a different skill Which is he's

34:54

an amazing actor But at

34:57

that stage anyway He would come on the

34:59

show and it was he didn't do a

35:01

lot of talk shows and I remember he was really

35:03

nervous So I would go

35:05

in and just talk to him, and he would

35:07

say this is crazy I I can't do this

35:09

and I thought what are you talking about you're

35:11

you're an iconic young actor They're gonna be so

35:13

happy to see you But it was

35:15

not his process to go out and just shoot the

35:17

shit with someone so sometimes I would go in and

35:19

just let them Know first of all the stakes are

35:21

really low. It's just you and me I like

35:24

to take take care of people and we're gonna have

35:26

we're gonna have a good time Yeah,

35:29

and that would help if we had a

35:31

relationship prior to them coming out. Yeah,

35:33

I'm horrified to find out You did

35:35

go into everyone's dressing rooms Third

35:45

time is when I go in Tom

35:47

Hanks came on many times first few times. I

35:49

wouldn't go in Was always

35:51

you got to be it's got be third time But

35:54

like but like Kelly Clarkson doesn't go in or doesn't go

35:56

into mine You know I've

35:58

now I don't know just say not You're not

36:00

really Clarkson walks in here all the time. Just

36:04

watched and exactly it on else she saw

36:06

some of our house for. the signs are

36:08

now I know. She's incredible. Way the fires

36:10

I'm I'm I'm I'm out by the time

36:12

that is either. So twice. and both times like

36:14

she just makes you feel so. Comfortable immediately

36:16

on stage. Cyrillic time in the same

36:18

way you did split like Jade. I

36:20

think everyone has their own you know

36:22

process and so it's It's been interesting

36:25

like in the first month that we're

36:27

doing it trying to find how it

36:29

works best every got their own way.

36:31

Some people I know Letterman never went

36:33

in and talk to anybody and I

36:35

think he just wanted to keep it

36:37

all fresh right? I it's it's all

36:39

would serve as you at as you

36:42

go through what you're gonna realize. I

36:44

like this. This makes me comfortable. The

36:46

I'm less comfortable with. You can't judge it, You

36:48

just have to make sure that that's what happened.

36:50

See? Yeah. So if something works for you and

36:52

serves you, do that. Yeah for dozens.

36:54

Interesting. Trying to conserve your energy in

36:57

the right way and figuring out what when

36:59

you need to eat and when I was

37:01

out and be quiet when you do a

37:03

show what happens eventually I wait is to

37:05

say to me you realize your job is

37:08

the organizing principle of our family. Everything where

37:10

we live in the world or yeah in

37:12

in United States and but also to this

37:14

greater degree he if I know my show

37:17

was going on at five thirty I would

37:19

know when I had to eat Months I

37:21

would know I couldn't eat after a certain

37:23

point because I didn't want to have be

37:26

digesting food while I'm trying to talk to

37:28

another money on his brothers learn. I really

37:30

nice if I need burping at blocking Phoenix

37:32

yearn to be great. Yeah,

37:36

sorry this massive bologna sandwiches.

37:38

I'm best buy and then

37:40

I would be so. Ah,

37:42

if it was a good show my

37:44

heart would be going back. A hundred

37:46

and eighty beats a minute for the

37:49

next couple of hours and I would

37:51

come home. And you know my my

37:53

wife who has these two little kids

37:55

would be like I'd We can't You're

37:57

like irradiated. You just walk out of

37:59

Chernobyl and. Want to give everyone a

38:01

hug? You need to just go into a

38:03

different area. And I mean even if you've

38:05

seen me when I'm in this state, Oh

38:08

yeah it's it's all the time. After you

38:10

do something as you something we like a

38:12

it's It's like you're amped up. Been unearthed

38:14

up and am talking a mile a minute round of

38:16

us energy. And my wife's trying

38:18

to put the kids to bed. know my

38:20

to zap so hellbent on a. Up

38:24

until now I am and the kids would

38:27

certainly be jumping around or anyone that's good

38:29

good not you. Try. Them

38:32

on the networks watching this as telling

38:34

you out of their room with a

38:36

cane is that allowed. Can put it

38:38

didn't work and I I would. I

38:40

couldn't I couldn't fall asleep to was

38:43

one of the morning and now it's

38:45

just everything Now because it's been. Two.

38:47

And half years since a. And did

38:49

my show. I can see I can see it

38:52

now but I but at the time when you're

38:54

in it you can't you Just you know that

38:56

this is what the job isn't You do it.

38:58

But yeah family later on that you will see

39:01

these things but onset of the same way. I

39:03

mean like evil. Great show. You're done at ten

39:05

pm and then you're just. Buzzing!

39:07

Until three in the morning. so they actually been nice

39:09

to finish. By like seven pm, music

39:11

six or seven and be like oh be

39:14

have all come down by like ten pm

39:16

which is nice unless I go to a

39:18

sad or something. We did shows animal but

39:21

s year ago with the Beacon. Yes!

39:23

and so it's the three of us doing

39:25

a show for the for the podcast. It's

39:27

still it's like it's the beacons. Packed were

39:29

doing a show I go out and open

39:31

it. What happened was we ended the show

39:33

and to delete remember in a team that

39:35

stage and he say hi to bunch of

39:37

people who have come to see it say

39:39

everybody and then if wondrous way. And.

39:42

I. Was like now we go, now we go

39:45

out. We hit us, we go to dinner a

39:47

sign out to get crazy. Guess is that I've

39:49

already said. You're

39:51

in bed with Ginger Dickensian at night.

39:54

see. Copy

39:56

of Last and As Soda

39:58

disappears and so I'm. I'm

40:00

just saying to my producer, what are we doing? He went,

40:02

I ate and he

40:04

had his soup with him. I gotta go. And

40:07

he was like, hey, I don't know. I think everything's

40:09

closed. Anyway, see you tomorrow for the next show. In

40:11

New York City, everyone's closed? Everyone's closed? No,

40:13

but seriously, I went around and I was

40:15

showing up at restaurants, but now it's after

40:19

11, everything's closed. And I

40:21

was like, no, no, no, I need to go

40:23

someplace, make the waiter laugh against

40:25

his will. I need to like, hey, there's

40:27

the chef. Hey, chef. And I

40:29

thought, hey, this bit I thought of, you know, I

40:32

gotta, and there was no place to go. I

40:34

imagine you doing one of those little routines with

40:36

the broom on the bear stage in the spotlight.

40:38

Yeah, yeah. No, I was losing

40:40

my mind and I was like, it's New York

40:42

City. Sinatra said it's the city that never sleeps.

40:45

He didn't then go, except after 11. I'm

40:49

like, Sinatra and Trump towards the end. I know,

40:51

what was that? Sinatra sounded a lot like Trump.

40:54

He did, in the end he sounds like Trump. Give

40:57

me a grand new dollar, man. New

41:00

York, New York. But

41:02

anyway, that was, I

41:04

had nowhere to put all that energy. And

41:06

then finally, I think we made a place

41:08

down at Lincoln, I'm Columbus Circle. I like,

41:10

I made a place open up. You made

41:12

a place open? No, no, I think they

41:14

were closing and I was like, come on.

41:17

And they said, okay. And I went, hey, have you heard of this

41:19

one? I don't know. They all just want to go home to their

41:21

family. Yeah, yeah. We're trying to put

41:23

our children's place. This is their residence. Yes,

41:25

this is not a restaurant. But it's

41:28

a restaurant now, fuck off. And

41:30

in New York, that's not, you know, they're used

41:32

to seeing famous people. So they're like, oh man,

41:34

God damn it, Conan. You got to

41:37

go back on the road. Because if you do that in like,

41:39

you know, Birmingham, Alabama, they're like, yeah, we'll stay

41:41

open all night. This is the greatest thing that's

41:43

ever happened. Conan O'Brien's here. Remember when we were

41:45

on tour once? This is the other tour. Oh,

41:47

the can't stop one. And I

41:49

got back, I can't, we got to the hotel and

41:51

the bar was closed and I made the whole the

41:54

same. Yeah, yeah. That was

41:56

like a camping close. I just performed for thousands

41:58

of people. I

42:01

kill I kill I don't

42:03

fucking care if you kill Cut

42:09

to the bar opening up Yeah,

42:11

they were really nice. They were cool about

42:13

it. But yeah, you you kept a few

42:15

places open. Yeah, it's called alcohol is and my point

42:17

is I

42:19

mean, I love that documentary, but I'm

42:22

also a workaholic. So when you say you're a

42:24

workaholic Let's do it. Let's let's unpack that. I

42:26

didn't know I didn't know we were gonna well

42:28

I know I'm just I wish I hadn't said

42:31

it. No, but I'm just curious. It's just a

42:33

light thing. I said But

42:37

you really like to work yes

42:39

and And that

42:42

is to me one of the hacks

42:44

in life One of the tricks is

42:46

you take something about yourself that could

42:48

be a problem But if you can

42:50

tame it and use it in just

42:52

the right amount, it's fantastic. Yeah, and

42:54

So I like to work. Yeah, and there's so

42:57

many different types of ways to work in

42:59

entertainment So anytime you're like, oh I have time

43:01

off you're like am I gonna go right over

43:03

here in this place? All right, like that's

43:06

what's so fun to me is like I had last

43:08

weekend off and I was like, oh hell Yeah, I

43:10

finally have some time off from the show I'm

43:13

gonna go right stand up for four hours at

43:15

a coffee shop and that felt like

43:17

rest to me Which it's not it's still

43:19

where I know someone's looking at me like I'm crazy Like

43:25

do they have croissants Well

43:31

like not being productive isn't restful for me

43:33

Yeah No Because what it is So you're

43:35

like well, why would I why would I

43:37

do nothing when I'm not gonna enjoy it

43:39

fully like I got right after I got the

43:42

After midnight job. I got mono and I

43:45

was sick for like two months and I

43:48

had to like film the special in the first two weeks

43:50

But then once the special was filmed I had like a

43:52

few weeks where I was just doing nothing And me and

43:55

my writing partner like finished a script in that time because

43:57

I was like I have three good hours in the middle

43:59

of the day And we can get on zoom

44:01

so I'll wake up at noon and then we can hop

44:03

on from like one to three and then I go Back

44:05

to bed at four and we got a

44:07

lot done And it was really yeah, and it's awesome,

44:09

and I felt great about it, but if I'd just

44:12

been laying there healing Salted

44:22

your own immune system Your

44:24

immune systems like wait a minute what? Whatever

44:28

everybody's like you know some people get over it in like

44:30

three weeks I'm like yeah if they stay down I guess

44:32

but I had stuff to

44:34

do yeah if you drink liquids

44:37

I haven't had a liquid in six months,

44:40

and then there's this myth of hey

44:42

chill Yeah, don't work

44:45

chill and I don't

44:47

know I've never been able to chill. I don't

44:49

know how to chill terrible news It's not a myth

44:51

it works for some people does it really it really

44:53

does I've seen it happen some

44:55

people actually chill. Yeah, I've seen people spend

44:57

a whole day reading and I'm like what's the two children We're

45:01

real chill both of us. I think you're chill

45:03

too I don't know I admittedly I think you're

45:05

right Matt I don't I'm half and half I

45:07

need to work for a few hours to feel

45:09

like I've earned it Yeah, then once I've done

45:12

that I feel like oh, I've heard this I

45:14

could chill I think the exception is Sona who

45:16

does not need to work hard to chill burn

45:18

it And I actually you know what you're saying

45:20

that in a way where you feel it I feel

45:22

like you're trying to insult me. No I'm describing

45:25

you to the police When

45:28

you say you do a show all week, and

45:30

then you do stand-up. I just boggles

45:33

my mind I mean it's amazing well

45:35

the damage that is I'm doing Largo

45:37

is different than like Traveling somewhere you

45:39

know like Largo's like oh, this is

45:42

so nice and relaxing. It's great. Oh

45:44

my god Yeah, I was talking to

45:46

a flame about you actually because he

45:48

was saying he's like you never know What's gonna happen with

45:50

the show he's like I bought this place when I was

45:52

30 And I thought maybe I'd only do it for five

45:54

years and here we are 30 years later He's like Conan

45:56

told me he thought he was gonna be out of the

45:58

business. You know and if years and I

46:01

was like, okay, I can't see you never know

46:03

and we'll see. And they're like, yeah, I mean.

46:05

Flanny has no right talking about me. I mean,

46:07

that was rude. Yeah. I mean, don't you think?

46:09

That's sort of, yeah. No, no. Flanny's the guy

46:11

that runs. And then what I said, I didn't

46:13

even know Conan. Flanny, yeah, he does not, I

46:15

don't know any Flanny. Flanny's this, he runs Largo,

46:20

which is really one of the best live

46:22

venues in Los Angeles. And I only say

46:24

that because this podcast goes out to

46:27

other realms, but it is every comedian's

46:29

favorite room to be in. Sometimes it

46:31

can almost give you a deceptive read.

46:33

Yeah. Because you can go to Largo

46:35

and sometimes I feel like I, you

46:37

know, you can read out of the

46:39

phone book and you'll get some really

46:41

solid laughs. Yeah. And you'll think this

46:43

phone book thing's killer. I'm

46:45

taking this out on the road. And then

46:47

you get killed. Yeah. Well, that's the problem

46:49

with once people come to see you on purpose, you're like,

46:51

is this, do you really like it? So you

46:53

have to kind of adjust your expectations. See

46:56

you on purpose. I love it. Oh, I

46:58

was, people were tricked into watching me do

47:00

stand up for years. So like we

47:02

came for chicken fingers and a male

47:04

comedian. We

47:07

had no idea. We were just

47:09

finishing a day at the mall.

47:11

How dare you bamboozle us, funny

47:13

bone. So many times

47:15

I said to my wife, let's go out for

47:18

chicken fingers and a male comedian. And

47:20

then, you know, yeah, Laurie

47:22

Kilmartin would come out and go, what the fuck?

47:28

What's a lady doing up there? And

47:33

this doesn't taste like chicken. And

47:38

I was like a child on top of it.

47:40

So I look, I saw the disappointment

47:42

on people's faces. I came from an

47:44

era where when I debuted in 1993, there's

47:46

no internet. There's no streaming. There's

47:52

maybe, yeah, there's four networks. There's no teleprompters.

47:55

Yeah. There's no teleprompters. They were steam powered.

47:57

They weren't good. They exploded all the Someone

48:00

on a bike. Someone's pedaling it. Welcome to

48:02

the show. I have speeded up there, Myron.

48:06

I'm trying. Shubbling coal.

48:08

But there was

48:11

a solid, I don't

48:14

know, I want to say two, three years there, where

48:16

it was on and there wasn't

48:18

much else to do at 1230 at night.

48:22

So today there's a billion things you

48:24

can watch. And I

48:26

was part of this era where people would come up to

48:28

me on the street and say, you know, didn't

48:31

want to watch you. They wouldn't say

48:33

that exactly, but it was clear. That was not the

48:35

plan. I didn't want to do that, but I developed

48:38

this rash. They gave me a medication and

48:40

the cream has to be applied. And

48:42

so I had to get up at 1230 and reapply the cream. I

48:46

turn on the TV and you're there. I

48:48

didn't like it, but after nine days

48:51

and nine cream applying, I was

48:53

like, you know what? He's got something.

48:56

Oh my God. I mean, I literally, so many new

48:58

moms with newborns would say to me, this is back

49:00

in the early nineties, you know,

49:02

I'm a huge fan. I would have to

49:05

get up and breastfeed and you were on,

49:07

you know, I watched it for four solid

49:09

weeks and you didn't, I didn't get it,

49:11

but now I love you. And I would

49:13

think that wouldn't happen today. You're not, America

49:15

was forced to put up with my shit

49:18

for a number of years. They had no choice.

49:20

And then they were like, all right, I guess

49:22

the hair could stay. America was like,

49:25

this is the guy. Yeah. Yeah.

49:28

No, there's, yeah. One of the advantages of this

49:30

new world and so many new

49:32

opportunities is that we're getting to

49:34

hear voices we wouldn't have heard in an

49:36

old system where they just, because they never would

49:38

have given me a chance. They would

49:40

not have. I would. I

49:44

mean, they weren't, let's

49:46

be honest. They were not like, okay, there's a long

49:48

line of women

49:51

doing comedy. There are obviously great pioneers

49:53

in everything, but it was.

49:55

No, women weren't funny until bridesmaids came

49:57

out. Like on

49:59

the record. Yeah, that

50:01

was when it all changed over, but everyone

50:03

before that garbage. Yeah.

50:07

Yeah. Lucille Ball, it's just dreadful. I

50:09

didn't get it. I didn't get it. Yeah,

50:11

not the best. Carol Burnett, I mean, I've

50:13

done the work. You've gone and looked and

50:15

it's like... Yeah.

50:18

Well, and even now, I

50:21

mean, again, I did all these interviews and every interview was

50:23

like, what is it like to be the only woman

50:25

in late night? And I was like, oh shit, is this

50:27

going to be a big deal? This

50:30

feels like a lot of pressure. We're doing

50:32

a silly, funny, goofy game show. For

50:34

years, it was how young I was. You know what

50:37

I mean? And they still list my age and most

50:39

things. And I'll probably hate that

50:41

in a few years. I'll go, oh, there's

50:43

a paper trail. Yeah. I guess you can't

50:45

lie. But yeah,

50:48

I mean, it's kind of similar to how I felt

50:50

about that where I was like, is everything going to be about

50:52

how young I am? Because everyone's kind of saying it in

50:54

a surprised way. Even

50:56

though you're this, you've still got this thing. I

50:59

was the first asexual host. And I thought that

51:01

was a huge barrier. People

51:03

were like, we're not sure. They didn't

51:06

know what you were? They weren't sure. Oh, OK.

51:08

And often I wasn't sure. You weren't sure.

51:10

You can see it on the air sometimes.

51:15

There I am talking to Richard Harris and I

51:17

sort of pucker my lips and try to kiss

51:19

him. Oh, OK. I was just confused.

51:21

I thought they were hiring the first female. They did. They

51:23

did a bait and swim. I am a man. Take

51:26

a look. I dropped my pants. Still confusion.

51:28

Come on. That's the big reveal. My

51:30

man. Can we get more light in here? Fuck you.

51:33

Well, I, for one,

51:36

I'm so glad Bridesmaids

51:38

came out because it

51:40

has enabled you now.

51:47

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Who did

51:49

you... I'm

51:51

just curious, just before we... I'm just curious because I

51:53

want to wrap things up, but I

51:55

don't want to wrap things up. Let me make sure I don't have any

51:57

more questions for you. I don't think I

51:59

have everything. I was born in 1993. Jesus.

52:03

Wait a minute. You're going for a long list and

52:05

you got them all? Yeah, no,

52:07

I got it. But you do your thing. Who

52:11

did you see when you were interested

52:14

in comedy and young and you saw

52:16

them and you thought, okay, that's

52:18

who I want to be? Or that person gives

52:20

me the confidence to think I could do it?

52:22

Oh, gosh. I mean, I don't know

52:25

because I felt like, I

52:27

guess just every female comic that made it

52:29

was like, honestly, again, not to do the

52:32

gender thing, but it did help. Kathleen

52:34

Madigan, Maria Bamford, Tina Fey,

52:37

Amy Poehler, Amy

52:39

Schumer were getting so huge. I

52:41

think everybody who makes

52:44

it and is so successful

52:46

in this business makes you feel like,

52:49

oh, I could do that maybe. If

52:51

everybody's cool with it, if everyone thinks women

52:54

are funny, finally. It's

52:56

so funny to think that that was a conversation for so

52:58

many years when I was a kid because now we

53:00

joke about it because it's not ... I don't think

53:02

anybody's done that anymore. But when we were kids, it

53:04

really was like, I don't know. I hate

53:06

female comics. And people did say that to me in my early

53:08

20s. Again, coming to see me at

53:11

Funny Bones or whatever, they'd go, I hate

53:13

female comics, but you were good. There

53:15

was a lot of that. You're like,

53:17

okay. That's unbelievable. Yeah. I mean, it's

53:19

absolutely ... I shouldn't say that. It's

53:22

completely believable. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Very,

53:24

very believable. I think that's something to contemplate now. Yeah. Yeah,

53:28

yeah. Taylor, I really

53:30

am so happy for you. And

53:34

you are uniquely gifted and a really

53:36

good person. And I

53:38

think you're ... Right now, there are so

53:40

many young people watching you saying, I want

53:42

to be Taylor Tomlinson. And it's your

53:44

job to destroy them so they don't take

53:46

that from you. But seriously, thanks so much for being

53:48

here. Thank you so much. I'm sorry I asked you

53:50

for so much advice. You think you're asking

53:53

the wrong person. But

53:55

sure, go ahead. I

53:58

can't text Colbert anymore. I'm bothering you. No,

54:01

he's been great. He's so nice. He's a very nice man. He's so

54:03

nice. I just think he should try harder Really

54:06

well, he's got this again. We're we're wrapping up. I'm sorry.

54:08

We can go. No, no No, no, it's been on the

54:10

air I mean, it's very

54:12

intimidating to spend time with him and you and

54:15

Go. Oh, they both have that thing that I

54:17

just don't have I don't have the like like

54:19

always on Like very

54:21

charismatic very social like I don't

54:24

have that thing That

54:26

YouTube both have that's own but a lot of me

54:28

but a lot of my favorite

54:31

people Many of my

54:33

favorite comedians don't do that. They're on

54:35

they do their thing and then they're

54:37

quiet and reserved Yeah, or they're a

54:39

bit of an introvert a lot of

54:41

my favorite comedians are introverts. Yeah Stephen

54:44

and I there's just something wrong with us, but

54:47

it's so like it's amazing to watch

54:49

like you're like Machines like

54:51

you're just like you're just funny all

54:53

the time like I gotta go well, no, don't tell you

55:00

It comes from a god gave me a gift and I

55:02

must pass it on No,

55:07

no a prophet spreading the good word anyway,

55:09

I don't

55:12

think there's just many different There

55:16

are many many many ways that

55:18

people get here and a lot

55:21

of my favorite comics are not

55:23

like that So don't be looking

55:25

around don't compare your Taylor

55:27

Tomlinson. They can fuck it, you

55:29

know, that's very nice I'm gonna clip that out

55:32

and just listen to it in the morning as

55:34

an affirmation. Yeah every morning And

55:37

they can fuck it Okay,

55:45

okay if they said if I said fuck

55:48

off yeah, that's what everyone says my

55:50

trick is to change it a little bit They can

55:52

fuck it. Now. It's got us talking and you know what

55:54

that's gonna be a t-shirt Exactly

56:00

I was like, yeah, they can fuck it?

56:02

I said it like Walter Cronkite on his

56:04

last broadcast. That guy by me. I said

56:06

it like... I'm Walter Cronkite and you can

56:09

fuck it. That's

56:11

gonna be a t-shirt. You're gonna see that t-shirt. I

56:14

felt like that was inspiring. I wouldn't have even caught

56:16

that. No, we both... I thought it

56:19

was funny too because I was like, what? Well,

56:21

I wanted it first too, but then, yeah, like

56:23

everything, you gotta run it through twice with this

56:25

guy. A lot of great poets. It's the little

56:27

things they change. Anyway,

56:30

go with God and bake and fuck

56:32

it. And bake and fuck

56:35

it. And

56:37

congrats. Congratulations, I

56:55

would buy a country. Okay. I

56:57

would buy just a ton

56:59

of yachts and private jets

57:01

and I would duct tape them all together. And

57:04

then just have it go in a circle in the Pacific Ocean.

57:07

What? Yeah, I don't know, just to be

57:09

a total jerk. Anyway, there is

57:11

a correct answer. And it's

57:13

build incredible cities in fantastical locations while competing

57:15

with your friends to be the biggest tycoon

57:18

in the world. What do you think of

57:20

that answer? That's better than mine. And

57:22

mine, which you can do with Monopoly Go. They

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all sorts of places, whether it's taking video calls

58:13

from the park or emailing large files while you're

58:16

grocery shopping. So this is good for you. Is

58:18

it? You're always doing whatever

58:20

work you do for me from fun

58:22

locations. But I like blaming it on

58:24

not having reception. I know, but you

58:26

can't do that here. Working on the go

58:29

seamlessly requires a strong network, which is why

58:31

you should check out T-Mobile, Sona. Then you

58:33

got no excuses. They're America's largest and fastest

58:35

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58:37

be covered in more places with the 5G speed

58:39

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they also cover more highway miles with 5G than

58:44

anybody else. Check it out if you don't

58:46

believe me. Hey, Blay, you've got T-Mobile, right? I

58:49

do. I was actually just up in

58:51

the woods in Idlewild. It was fantastic for the weekend.

58:54

And my T-Mobile phone didn't miss it. I

58:57

wouldn't think you'd need a cell phone because you speak

58:59

so loudly in your microphone. Well, I had to look

59:01

some stuff up. Just take it down a notch. I

59:03

didn't know what brunch was. I can hear him.

59:05

When the restaurant's open for brunch. Okay.

59:08

So I used my T-Mobile coverage to check

59:10

out brunch. That's right. Anyway, wherever you are,

59:12

take it from the loud speaking Blay. If

59:15

you're on the go, you want to be

59:17

in the know, you want to make the

59:19

show. What? T-Mobile. That's the

59:21

one for you. That was weird. I

59:24

should have rhymed it with go. t-mobile.com/network

59:26

today coverage not available in some areas

59:28

fastest based on median overall combined 5G

59:30

speeds according to analysis by Ucla of

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speed test intelligence data Q3 2023. See

59:36

5G device coverage. Hi,

59:38

this is Matt. And

59:53

this is Sona. We're leaving the studio right

59:55

now. And as you

59:57

can tell by the, is that a Ferrari or a

59:59

Lamborghini? I don't know. You're asking the

1:00:01

wrong person. It's orange. We

1:00:04

were requested by Conan and Adam to do

1:00:06

our own little segment as we are walking

1:00:08

to our car. What do you want to talk

1:00:10

about? Well, let's talk about how I thought. First

1:00:13

of all, my car has been here for days and I don't even

1:00:15

know if it's gonna be there when I get there. But

1:00:18

I thought I had forgotten my keys. So you

1:00:20

very graciously were gonna give me a ride home,

1:00:22

which is nice. And now we're doing like it's

1:00:24

almost very mall walk-in I was saying. Yeah,

1:00:27

and I'm a little disappointed. I don't get to give you

1:00:29

a ride home because you know, Sona time is good time.

1:00:31

Oh, that's really nice. I know, you know, I like mad

1:00:34

time. I don't know why things are just so much more

1:00:36

pleasant when Conan's not around. Could it

1:00:38

be? I feel lighter than air right now.

1:00:40

Me too. I feel like we're having a good

1:00:42

time. We're being nice to each other. This

1:00:45

is nice. There's a really big element

1:00:47

that's missing, but I don't miss it. I

1:00:49

know and also the fact that this segment

1:00:51

is gonna end with the reveal of whether

1:00:53

or not your car is there or not

1:00:55

because it's Monday and your car's been in

1:00:57

the CVS parking lot since Friday,

1:01:00

Thursday. Since Thursday. Yeah, I can't imagine

1:01:02

it's still there, Sona. I may end up

1:01:04

giving you a ride. Yeah, you know what?

1:01:06

If it's cool, would you walk with me?

1:01:08

No, you had your chance. Of course

1:01:11

I will. Okay, that's cool. Because I don't know

1:01:13

what I'm gonna do if it's not there. I

1:01:15

haven't gotten my car towed in years. And

1:01:17

so I forgot who I would call and how

1:01:20

I would find it. So I don't know.

1:01:22

I mean, we'll see. We'll find out. But you

1:01:24

were telling me you used to get your car towed quite a

1:01:26

bit, right? I've gotten my car towed like

1:01:28

three times and the first time is like you're like,

1:01:30

oh my god did it get stolen and by the

1:01:32

third time you're like, oh, what did I do? What

1:01:34

did I do this time? That makes sense.

1:01:36

Yeah, it is because anytime you do

1:01:39

get it towed you are the person

1:01:41

who's responsible. Is this for

1:01:43

yours? Because the gate's closed. No,

1:01:45

mine's back there. Okay. What if my

1:01:47

car's gone? That's the twist. Yes, I

1:01:49

would love that. I know I didn't love it

1:01:51

because you have to get home, but that would

1:01:53

be a fun twist. Also, we're walking in the

1:01:56

middle of the street talking into a phone. You're

1:01:58

not embarrassed, right? I am. Are you really? Yeah,

1:02:00

I am why am I embarrassed and you're not

1:02:02

I don't know it just feels like I

1:02:04

would think people who think we're talking To the

1:02:06

same person on the phone like we've called someone

1:02:09

we a mutual friend so every time someone walks

1:02:11

by I'm just gonna be like yeah, John

1:02:15

Yeah, I mean some all walking to where

1:02:17

you walk around with a microphone and I

1:02:19

know that's true Do

1:02:22

I get a snack on the way home? Yeah, here's

1:02:24

a happy turkey stick. Yeah, you got you

1:02:26

got a meat stick in your we could

1:02:30

talk about the snacks at Team Coco

1:02:32

because when you finish recording a session

1:02:34

and even before You and I

1:02:36

are often kind of meeting up at the

1:02:38

snack basket or whatever. I hate to admit this

1:02:41

I don't know if you do this. I plan my

1:02:43

day around the snacks I'm gonna eat at

1:02:45

the office meaning you won't eat a meal if you

1:02:47

know you're coming in I'll be like oh, I know

1:02:50

I'm gonna shove my things full of like, you know

1:02:53

Popcorn from the office, so I'm just

1:02:55

not gonna eat too much

1:02:57

for breakfast Hey John, hey

1:03:00

John. It's so good to talk to you

1:03:02

John I almost look like I have no

1:03:04

money and no resources because every time I

1:03:06

leave Team Coco it's with a handful of

1:03:09

chips and tin cans and

1:03:11

all this food Hey

1:03:15

John, you won't believe who I'm walking with We

1:03:18

miss you John come visit us soon.

1:03:20

It's so nice out here. What

1:03:22

is celebrity? Could we imagine John? What

1:03:25

do you mean like like a celebrity named John?

1:03:27

Who's the biggest John John Chris? John

1:03:30

Tesh John Chris Inskey Why

1:03:41

did I think his name was built Hey,

1:03:45

Bill Who's the

1:03:47

biggest John John? John.

1:03:51

Oh, there's it's a Lamborghini. Well, it's

1:03:53

a Lamborghini. That's the one glad we

1:03:55

we closed the loop on whether that

1:03:57

was a Lamborghini or Ferrari Okay

1:04:00

Okay, we're going in, I'm also halfway

1:04:02

through a mouthful of turkey stick. We're

1:04:04

going downstairs, where are you taking me? When

1:04:07

you eat a beef stick, let's

1:04:09

say that was the beef version, do you ever

1:04:11

say you're getting a hot beef injection? Every

1:04:13

time. And this is a turkey

1:04:15

stick, so I say I'm getting a hot gobbler.

1:04:18

I'm so stuck on thinking John Tej's

1:04:20

name was Bill Tej. I'm

1:04:25

just really excited I had my keys. I

1:04:27

thought I was going to inconvenience you right

1:04:30

now. Oh no. What's the

1:04:32

matter? You weren't recording? No, I think I'm

1:04:34

still recording. We'll find out at the end.

1:04:36

No, it's still rolling. Oh, there he

1:04:39

is! And your car's still here! Yay! Wow,

1:04:41

what a win-win. I'll try to get your car. Oh, you

1:04:44

don't have to do that. No, yeah, it's fine. Okay, well.

1:04:46

We can go all the way here and then we could

1:04:48

record a little longer. Keep the segment going. Yeah. Give

1:04:50

the people what they want to hear. They're

1:04:54

like, hey, you know what? I've been

1:04:56

waiting for a while. Wait, wait. I

1:04:58

have the phone and you're far away.

1:05:00

Hold on. I

1:05:03

was going to say, I bet people always

1:05:05

wonder like, what's it like when it's just

1:05:08

Sona and Matt? And

1:05:10

now you know. And maybe they're like,

1:05:12

oh, we're good. Maybe

1:05:14

but I can at least describe the

1:05:16

interior of Sona's car and it's got

1:05:18

tax mahogany, like fisting

1:05:21

block. Don't say it's not

1:05:23

a fisting block. It's not a fisting block.

1:05:26

If I'm eating a hot beef injection, this is a

1:05:28

mahogany fisting block. It's

1:05:31

he punches it. Yeah. Because,

1:05:33

you know, if you don't punch it, then

1:05:35

your hands are weak. What's

1:05:37

this? It's a rolling pin, but

1:05:39

he does something with that, too. I think he's

1:05:42

a wooden oak dowel. Yeah. He

1:05:44

like, yes, I think he hits his legs with it

1:05:46

or something. No, I think he's in a child's

1:05:48

musical band. When

1:05:52

he says he has a gig, he's going to a preschool.

1:05:56

I'm so glad my car's here. I'm so glad I

1:05:58

had my keys. What do you got planned

1:06:00

for the rest of the day? Um, I'm gonna get

1:06:02

fucked up. I already am,

1:06:05

baby. You

1:06:12

can actually drop me off right here because that's

1:06:14

my orange Lamborghini. Oh, is it? Okay. But

1:06:17

you weren't sure if it was a Lamborghini or a Ferrari.

1:06:20

I just said give me something fast and expensive.

1:06:23

You're such a Lamborghini guy. I should have

1:06:25

waited for those people to cross the street.

1:06:27

You're a Lamborghini guy. Do

1:06:30

you think you're a Lamborghini person? I

1:06:32

know I'm not. I think I'm a Corvette person.

1:06:34

What? Really? Yeah, I would do it. I

1:06:36

would fuck a Corvette. Up? I

1:06:39

would just fuck it. Oh, you are getting

1:06:41

fucked up today. Oh my god.

1:06:44

What is partying? No wonder... Oh

1:06:47

my god. That's where I am right there. You

1:06:49

can pull over right here. I'm gonna do a

1:06:51

Ui-Doi. Full service? Yeah. I'm not gonna take you

1:06:53

to your car, but I'm gonna get you close

1:06:56

to it. You know what? You're really nice enough

1:06:58

to almost drive me to my car.

1:07:01

Thank you. No, my car's testing

1:07:03

you. Okay, I'm gonna put these wooden

1:07:05

child instruments down and I'll say my

1:07:07

goodbye. Thank you, Sona. Love you, Gorill.

1:07:10

Love you. Bye. Bye.

1:07:27

Bye. Go

1:07:57

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1:08:00

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