I am terrified.

I am terrified that even though I know that this post

https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/ecaaji/results_should_men_ask_for_permission_for_the/

Is not an actual representation of all women across all time and circumstance, there is a statistic that as a therapist who works with both women who have been abused in relationships and men who have been falsely accused of sexual assault is terrifying to me.

1% of women say that going on for a kiss without permission is sexual assault. We can debate that until the cows come home. The point is that 1% believe it is. If we generalize that to eligible dating population of America "In 2017, the U.S. census reported 110.6 million unmarried people over the age of 18" and if we assume half are male and half are female and we take 1% of that is 555,000 women who believe that going on for a kiss without asking is sexual assault.

Why take this risk?

If you ask and she says yes, then that is great.

If you ask and she says no, then that is great.

If you ask and she makes fun of you for asking and not taking initiative, that is great you have dodged a bullet, she will also expect you to read her mind in other ways as well.

If he asks and you say yes then thats great, he potentially values consent.

If he asks and you say no, then that is great and you can see how he responds to no.

If he asks and you say "I wish you would just take initiative", then you need to go read "Women Who Love Too Much".

Some people are going to read this and ask, "Why is this therapist freaking out over a kiss?". It isn't about the kiss. It is about the type of situation that you are in.

There is a difference between "coloring in the lines because my teacher said so" and "following the directions of someone in authority". One is something you learn in a specific situation and one is something you learn in situations about situations. Context.

This a context where I should follow the directions of someone in authority.

Not asking creates a context where you both don't learn how to communicate effectively. It also might create a context for a man where he is accused of sexual assault. It might also create a context for a woman where she ends up with a narcissistic abuser that continues to push boundaries. You can't tell the difference until you have the conversation.

As a man, if you ask, and they get personally offended then you need to ask about that response. If you are a woman and you tell them that you didn't appreciate them doing that and they react negatively to the fact that you pointed out they crossed a boundary...then don't do a second date, unless you feel obligated because they paid for the first.

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