0:00

Sign up for a $1 per

0:02

month trial period at

0:05

shopify.com/Monahan. All lowercase go

0:07

to shopify.com/Monahan. Now to

0:10

grow your business no

0:13

matter what stage you're

0:15

in shopify.com/ Monahan.

0:20

Right now a lot of people are

0:22

feeling isolated and lonely and a lot

0:24

of our society is set up that

0:26

way, right? We need to reimagine our

0:29

cities as connected places. We need to

0:31

reimagine our technology tools and

0:33

the policies that we put into law

0:36

kind of reimagining all of our lives

0:38

so that we can prioritize social health

0:40

because it's so imperative for us to

0:43

be able to live long healthy and

0:45

happy. I'm on this journey

0:47

with me each week when you join

0:49

me. We are going to chase down our

0:51

goals overcome adversity and set you up

0:53

for a better tomorrow. I'm

0:57

ready for my close-up. Hi guys and welcome

0:59

back. I'm so excited for you to have

1:01

this conversation with us to meet our guest

1:03

this week. And this is some powerful stuff.

1:05

I'm going to throw some staff at you

1:07

right now. So get ready. This is eye-opening.

1:10

It's not good, but we're going to talk

1:12

about how we can make it good. Over

1:14

the past 20 years, the amount of time

1:16

people spent alone increased by an average of

1:18

24 hours per month. And can I tell

1:21

you PS? This is

1:23

why I love and hate Zoom because when

1:25

you have a virtual business or the ability

1:27

to have a virtual business, you are actually

1:29

making that happen more often than not, which can

1:32

be a bit isolating. Speaking from the

1:34

person that's talking to you on Zoom right now.

1:36

Okay, wait a minute. Another one. According to a

1:38

national survey in 2019, around

1:40

half of the adults in the US felt as

1:42

if no one knew them well. That breaks my

1:44

heart. According to Gallup,

1:46

330 million adults around

1:49

the globe endure weeks at a

1:51

time without speaking to a single

1:53

family member or friend. And

1:55

20% of all adults worldwide don't have

1:57

anyone they can reach out to. for

2:00

help. This is horrible. This lack of

2:02

connection is dangerous, increasing people's risk of stroke

2:04

by 32%, the risk of dementia by 50%

2:06

and the risk of early death by 29%.

2:08

I mean, we've

2:12

never talked about this on the show

2:14

before. I'm super excited to get into

2:16

today. So first, let's intro our incredible

2:19

guest. She is the expert in this

2:21

arena. Kasly Kilm is internationally recognized as

2:23

a leading expert in social health. As

2:26

a graduate of the Harvard T.H. Chan

2:28

School of Public Health sought after advisor

2:30

and keynote speaker, founder of

2:32

Social Health Labs. Kilm has been

2:34

improving global well-being through connection for

2:37

over a decade. Shout out to

2:39

that work. Her collaborations with organizations

2:41

like Google, the US Department of

2:43

Health and Human Services and the

2:45

World Economic Forum contribute to building

2:47

more socially healthy products, workplaces and

2:49

communities. Kilm's insights can be found

2:51

in outlets such as Creating Confidence

2:54

with Heather Monahan, The New York

2:56

Times, Scientific American Psychology Today and

2:58

The Washington Post. Kasly, thank you

3:00

for being here. Thank you so

3:02

much, Heather. I'm excited to dive

3:04

into those statistics in much more

3:06

detail. How did you even

3:08

get into this work? It's a great

3:11

question. So I think that

3:13

a lot of people in academia or

3:15

research as part of their background will

3:17

say that research is really me search.

3:20

Like we're exploring these topics because we're

3:22

interested in them personally. And that's definitely

3:24

true for me. Growing up,

3:26

I was always fascinated by the

3:29

human relationships around me, right? Whether it

3:32

was paying attention to family dynamics or

3:34

my friends on the playground at school,

3:36

I am an introvert.

3:38

And so I've had to learn to

3:41

navigate kind of what's the right balance

3:43

of socializing and solitude for me. How

3:45

do I thrive in a workplace environment

3:47

that favors extraversion? And then also I've

3:50

moved around many times to different cities,

3:52

different countries, which meant that over and

3:54

over, I've had to kind of start

3:57

from scratch, make new friends, build new

3:59

communities. community and stay in touch with

4:01

loved ones far away. And

4:04

so as those examples demonstrate, I've

4:06

always been paying attention to the

4:08

social world and trying to understand

4:11

how do we connect more meaningfully and how

4:14

does that affect our lives. And as

4:16

a social scientist, I was

4:18

so excited to come across

4:20

research talking about the

4:22

effects of human connection on our

4:24

health and well-being, but also what

4:26

are some of those skills that

4:29

we can each employ in our

4:31

day-to-day lives to empathize better, to

4:33

relate better, to develop those long-term

4:35

supportive relationships and communities that are

4:38

so nourishing to us. And

4:40

I felt so excited about applying those

4:42

research insights in my own life and

4:45

I wanted to share them with the

4:47

world and empower us all to use

4:49

what we're learning in the data and

4:51

then play with it in our own lives to

4:54

live longer, better lives through connection. I love that

4:56

you say that research is research. It's like what

4:58

you talk about is what you need. I talk

5:00

about confidence all the time. It's something I've needed

5:02

my whole life and continue to need. So I'm

5:05

so on point with you there that people talk

5:07

and preach about what they need to be hearing.

5:10

So you almost use yourself as your example,

5:13

right? Like that you had this issue, you're

5:15

introverted, you're moving around a lot, so you're

5:17

lonely or you're trying to meet people. So

5:20

you tested and tried different tactics in your own

5:22

life and how did those work for you?

5:25

Well, it's been really fun. It's been an error over the

5:27

past 10 years and combining my

5:29

own personal experiences with the communities that

5:31

I work with. Early on,

5:33

I did an experiment where for almost

5:35

four months I did an act of

5:38

kindness every single day. And

5:40

so I challenged myself to say, I

5:42

cannot go to bed tonight. I cannot

5:45

sleep until I've connected with another human

5:47

in a more meaningful way. And

5:50

it might sound like a simple thing,

5:52

but it was remarkable early on to

5:54

realize that it had been so easy

5:56

to go about my days, just

5:58

caught up in my own thoughts. my

6:00

to-do list, my goals, the busyness of

6:03

day-to-day life, that I wasn't necessarily always

6:05

paying attention to the people around me

6:07

or remembering to call a loved

6:09

one and check in on a

6:11

friend who's going through a hard

6:13

time. And so very early on

6:15

into that own personal experiment that

6:17

I was doing, I realized, gosh,

6:19

when I just turn the lens

6:21

outward and I'm intentional each day

6:23

about connecting with other people, it

6:26

opens up all these opportunities for

6:28

connection around me. And so at the

6:30

end of the four months, what I

6:32

found was, first of all, I'd made

6:34

new friends because I had been paying

6:37

attention to people around me and opportunities

6:39

for me to say hello or help

6:41

other people or do something nice for

6:43

someone else. I'd also felt a

6:45

lot more connected to my community. I had

6:48

deepened relationships with existing friends

6:50

and family. And also

6:52

it had benefited me in all

6:54

these surprising ways, right? Like new

6:56

job opportunities came out of it,

6:59

more meaningful conversations with people. I

7:01

was so energized and felt so

7:03

alive because of the conversations I was

7:05

having with folks that that energy

7:07

translated into more motivation to take care

7:10

of other parts of my health. So

7:12

I was eating healthier. I was

7:14

exercising more regularly. At

7:16

that time, I was completing my

7:18

undergraduate degree and I achieved the

7:20

best GPA of my entire undergraduate

7:23

career. And I think it's because

7:25

I was so engaged in

7:27

this meaningful way that the time

7:29

that I spent studying or writing

7:31

essays or whatever was highly focused.

7:33

So all these surprising side effects

7:35

came out of this personal experiment

7:37

where the goal was just to

7:39

do one thing a day where

7:41

I was connecting with another person,

7:43

but it had all these incredible

7:46

outcomes for the rest of my life.

7:48

And that was my first cue that

7:50

signaled to me that what the research

7:52

was showing was so true for my

7:54

own life, right? If I prioritize connection

7:56

in my day to day, it's

7:58

going to benefit my health, my health. my well-being, my

8:00

happiness, my life, and

8:03

it's going to help me connect meaningfully

8:05

with other people. Explain

8:07

something. First of all, I love that, right? Like

8:09

an act of kindness a day just makes the

8:11

world a better place. And even just everyone listening

8:13

to the show right now, guys, if everybody does

8:15

that, please, can we do this, please? I'm so

8:17

down for this. I'm so important. Like, I believe

8:19

wholeheartedly in this. So I'm in, you guys, I

8:21

want to hear from you. Are you in one

8:23

act of kindness a day? Let

8:25

me know. Hit me up on social media

8:28

or send me a note on my website. I want

8:30

to hear from you on this. So, Kazi, when you

8:32

were talking about that, it triggered a

8:34

memory for me around when I was

8:36

doing something similar, but I was

8:38

doing it around gratitude. You

8:41

know, I made myself sit down and write down three things I'm

8:43

grateful for every day. I did it for a month. And

8:46

the shift, seismic shift that from

8:48

a sense of happiness, energy, just,

8:51

I mean, is that the same

8:53

thing? I think it's very

8:55

similar. And I love that you did that,

8:57

Heather. And there's great research showing that when

8:59

we do set aside time to reflect on

9:01

what we're grateful for each day or each

9:03

week, it has these measurable benefits for our

9:05

health and happiness. So I love

9:07

that. I think in both these instances,

9:10

whether it's focusing on gratitude or focusing

9:12

on connection with other people, what

9:14

it is, is shifting our mindsets, right?

9:16

So rather than being caught up in

9:18

our busy lives and the stresses of

9:21

day to day, we're focusing

9:23

on something positive. We're focusing

9:25

on an opportunity. And

9:27

that's actually expanding our awareness. When

9:29

I was doing the daily acts

9:31

of kindness, it felt like I

9:33

had put on glasses that were

9:36

suddenly allowing me to see opportunities

9:38

for connection all around me, which

9:40

had always been there, but I

9:42

wasn't paying attention to them. It

9:44

got me out of my own head

9:47

and my own problems and issues and

9:49

focused me on other people. So it

9:51

was this beautiful broadening. And I think

9:53

that's the same thing that's going on

9:55

when you're intentional about gratitude, right? You're

9:58

focusing on something positive. positive, and that's

10:00

filling your body with a happy feeling

10:02

that then you carry into your day

10:04

to day. Americans

10:12

spend an average of 90% of their time indoors

10:14

and take about 20,000 breaths a

10:16

day. According to the EPA, indoor

10:18

air is two to five times more polluted than

10:20

outdoor air, and in some cases up

10:22

to 100 times more polluted. The EPA

10:25

shows that air pollution is responsible for nearly 7 million

10:28

premature deaths globally. This

10:31

is crazy how concerning it is to

10:33

hear that your air in your home

10:35

is polluted. Maybe you have allergies like

10:37

me and my son. Maybe you live

10:39

near a highway. Maybe you live in

10:41

a city. There's so

10:43

many issues with toxicity everywhere.

10:45

You need to make sure

10:47

that your home is a

10:49

clean and safe place. Air

10:52

doctors helping us with it. We have

10:54

tremendous allergy issues, and using air doctor

10:56

is changing all that. So what's the

10:58

solution? Introducing an air purifier that captures

11:00

the attention of established media outlets like

11:02

CNN, Money, ABC, and more. Air

11:05

doctor. Air doctor filters

11:07

out 99.99% of dangerous contaminants and

11:09

allergens such as pollen, pet dander,

11:11

dust mite, mold, and even bacteria

11:13

and viruses, so your lungs don't

11:15

have to. All air

11:18

doctor purifiers feature whisper jet fans 30%

11:20

quieter than the ordinary air purifiers. Air doctor

11:23

also comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee. If

11:25

you don't love it, just send it back

11:27

for a refund minus the shipping. Head

11:30

to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code confidence. And

11:32

depending on the model, you'll receive up to

11:34

39% off or up to $300 off. Exclusive

11:40

to podcast customers, you will also receive a

11:42

free three-year warranty on any unit which is

11:44

an additional $84 value. Walk

11:47

this special offer by

11:50

going to airdoctorpro.com

11:52

and use promo

11:54

code confidence. You're welcome.

11:57

When I started podcasting, an online

11:59

store was the... for this thing

12:01

from my mind. Now I'm selling

12:04

my group coaching on the regular

12:06

and it is just so easy

12:08

all because I use Shopify. Shopify

12:12

is the global commerce platform that

12:14

helps you sell at every stage

12:16

of your business from the launch

12:18

your online shop stage to the

12:20

first real life store stage all

12:22

the way to did we just

12:25

hit a million order stage? Shopify

12:27

is there to help you grow

12:29

whether you're selling scented soaps or

12:31

offering outdoor outfits, Shopify helps you

12:33

sell everywhere from their all-in-one e-commerce

12:35

platform to their in-person POS system

12:37

wherever and whatever you're selling. Shopify

12:39

has got you covered. Shopify helps

12:42

you turn browsers into buyers with the

12:44

internet's best converting checkout 36% better

12:47

on average compared to other leading

12:49

commerce platforms and sell more

12:51

with less effort. Thanks to Shopify magic

12:53

your AI powered all-star. I didn't know

12:55

what I was going to do when

12:58

I got fired. Launching my own business

13:00

seemed so intimidating. I didn't know how

13:02

to set up a website and I

13:04

really didn't need to. Shopify does it

13:07

all for you and they make it

13:09

so easy. It was that breakthrough moment

13:11

for me that I realized I can

13:13

do this. I can go to work

13:15

for myself. Thanks to Shopify. What

13:18

I love about Shopify is you don't need

13:20

to have all this technology information ready to

13:22

you don't need to know how to plan

13:24

and run things. You just need to go

13:27

to the platform turn it on and know

13:29

what you're selling and Shopify is going to

13:31

help you figure out the rest. Shopify powers

13:34

10% of all e-commerce in

13:36

the US and Shopify is the

13:38

global force behind Alberts, Rothy's and

13:40

Brooklyn and millions of other entrepreneurs

13:42

of every size across 175 countries

13:44

including your girl right here. Plus

13:47

Shopify's award-winning help is there to

13:49

support your success every step of

13:51

the way because businesses that grow

13:53

grow with Shopify. Sign up for

13:56

a $1 per

13:58

month trial period at Shopify.

14:00

shopify.com slash monahan all

14:02

lowercase. Go to shopify.com/monahan.

14:05

Now to grow your

14:07

business, no matter what

14:09

stage you're in. shopify.com/

14:13

monahan. No matter what stage you're at, they're

14:15

gonna make it easy. I

14:26

have to share this story with you because this

14:28

was last weekend and it was so annoying. Something

14:30

happened to me Saturday morning in my personal life

14:32

and I didn't like it. I mean, obviously, if

14:34

not everyone does what we think they should be

14:36

doing in life, right? So I felt someone should

14:38

have handled something differently than they did at the

14:40

end of the day. Now here I am days

14:42

later. I'm like, why was I even that that's

14:44

their choice, not mine. But in the moment, you

14:46

know, you're like, this is awful and wrong and

14:48

wrong. And I was so angry and upset and

14:50

I'm alone at home. Right. And

14:52

I was in this terrible mood and I

14:54

was obsessing about the bad thing. I'm

14:57

leaving bad, right? That I don't like that

14:59

they did this and whatever. And I'm obsessing

15:01

about it. I'm a downward spiral to nowhere,

15:03

right? Nothing good happening. However,

15:06

weeks earlier, a friend of mine had asked me

15:08

to do a book signing for her to help

15:10

promote something she was doing. And so like an

15:12

act of service, I had agreed to do this,

15:14

you know, weeks ahead of time. I'm saying myself,

15:17

oh my gosh, I got to leave. I have

15:19

to go help my friend right now. And again,

15:21

this was not strategic, but I'm interested to hear

15:23

what you think about it. And so it was

15:25

just serendipitous. And so I go out to this

15:27

event. It's like an hour and a half away.

15:30

It's a pain to go there, whatever. The minute

15:32

I get there, I was so happy because I'm

15:34

walking in. I'm like, OK, I need to be here right now

15:36

to help my friend and do the right thing

15:39

by her. I got to check my negativity at the door

15:41

and get back to being a good human. And as soon

15:43

as I walk in, people are telling me how my book

15:45

helped them. They're telling me their personal stories about challenges they've

15:47

had. My friend comes over to give me a hug to

15:49

say, thank you so much for coming. I

15:51

forgot 100% about that whole situation that

15:55

occurred that morning. Literally, it was gone from my

15:57

mind. I was so in the moment

15:59

and present in that event and helping

16:01

others and encouraging other people and feeling grateful

16:03

for the feedback I was getting. I ended

16:06

up seeing this event so much longer

16:08

than I was supposed to. And when

16:10

I finally left that event, it hit

16:12

me on the dry back. Oh, I

16:14

forgot about I was supposed to be

16:16

upset today from this morning. And it

16:18

was a crazy experience. Is that all

16:20

about like how connection can help you

16:22

even get you out of a bad

16:24

end? Yes. First of all, I love

16:26

that story. And it's highly relatable. I

16:28

have those days myself as well. I

16:31

also think it underscores a really

16:33

important point. So Heather, we started

16:35

this conversation with you sharing some

16:38

of the really frightening statistics about

16:40

how disconnected many people feel in

16:42

the US and in countries around

16:44

the world. Right. And there are

16:46

many others we could share. The

16:48

number of friends people have has

16:50

declined and the amount of time

16:52

that they spend with their friends

16:54

has declined as well. And there

16:56

are so many other examples. Last

16:59

year, the US surgeon general issued

17:01

an advisory, a national advisory and

17:03

strategy declaring isolation and loneliness as

17:05

a public health emergency. We see

17:07

this in other countries too, where,

17:09

you know, Japan and the UK

17:11

both have ministers for loneliness dedicated

17:13

to addressing this issue and tackling

17:15

it at the national level. And

17:18

also last year, the world health

17:21

organization launched a global commission on

17:23

social connection, recognizing that this is

17:25

literally a global priority for us

17:28

to be addressing. But what

17:30

I love about your story is that it

17:32

shows one of the solutions, right? So you

17:34

were feeling frustrated and in

17:36

this kind of negative thought spiral and

17:38

you were by yourself. And

17:41

then you went out into a social

17:43

situation where you were serving someone else,

17:45

you were helping your friend, right? And

17:47

you were connecting with other people and

17:49

it completely snapped you out of that

17:51

mindset and put you in this generative

17:53

headspace. That's why volunteering

17:55

or doing acts of kindness

17:57

or serving others. is

18:00

one of the best ways to

18:02

overcome loneliness. Because when you,

18:04

let's say it's helping your friend like

18:06

you were, maybe it's going to a

18:08

local soup kitchen, maybe it's volunteering to

18:11

do a neighborhood cleanup, maybe it's mentoring

18:13

a student, whatever it is that you

18:15

care about, when you're volunteering and doing

18:17

an act of service for someone else,

18:20

you're leaving the headspace and the

18:22

personal experiences that you're caught up

18:24

in, and you're turning

18:26

that into, how can I help

18:28

someone else? It's suddenly this generative,

18:30

connective headspace that opens up all

18:32

these new opportunities and makes you

18:35

feel better while creating new friends,

18:37

while feeling connected to your community.

18:39

So for people who are really

18:41

struggling with loneliness, one of

18:43

the techniques and strategies that the research

18:45

tells us is really important and which

18:47

I've seen in my work to

18:50

be beneficial time and time again,

18:52

is to volunteer. Go out and

18:54

do something for someone else, which

18:56

sounds counterintuitive when we're the ones

18:58

struggling, and yet it's one of

19:00

the most effective approaches. But

19:02

Cassie, one of the problems with that, like I

19:04

had it serendipity, like it was set up, right?

19:07

It was by chance. I didn't do it strategically,

19:09

as I mentioned, right? It just worked out perfectly

19:11

to my benefit. I'm very grateful for that. However,

19:14

and I just know this with a lot of

19:16

people, and even myself, because I remember the end

19:18

of COVID when I was so used to being

19:20

home and on the stupid computer all the time,

19:23

and that was my new norm. It

19:25

did feel weird going out at first. So

19:27

if someone's listening to you right now, I

19:29

guarantee someone's saying, sounds easy, but it's not.

19:32

It's not easy to go insert yourself into,

19:34

and I'm one of the most extroverted people

19:36

I've ever met in my whole life, and

19:38

I felt like that, right? Like I felt,

19:41

oh gosh, this is gonna be a little

19:43

awkward. I haven't been around people for a

19:45

while. What if I don't remember how to

19:47

fit in or create a conversation? So what

19:49

do you say to those people? Well, first

19:52

of all, absolutely you're right. And to provide

19:54

a counter example, I'm an introvert, right? So

19:56

I love time alone. I love that balance

19:58

of solitude and socializing. And

20:00

yet I still find that the effort

20:03

that goes into reaching out and connecting

20:05

is so worthwhile. And sometimes I dread

20:07

some social situation and I'm like, really,

20:09

I'd much rather be home on my

20:11

couch. And then when I

20:13

go, I end up feeling so good after.

20:16

What I would say to people is that the

20:18

research really is on your side. So there are

20:21

studies showing that, for example, when you

20:23

send someone a text out of the

20:26

blue to say, hey, I'm

20:28

thinking of you. It's been a while. You know,

20:30

maybe you express gratitude or maybe it's just as

20:32

simple as I'm thinking of you. That

20:34

person is going to appreciate that

20:36

message more than we expect. OK,

20:39

so we underestimate how meaningful it

20:41

is to the recipient for us

20:43

to reach out and say hello.

20:45

So that's number one. Another

20:48

finding is that people like us more

20:50

than we think. So there's something in

20:53

the research called the liking gap where

20:55

all of us assume that in an

20:57

interaction, the other person

20:59

actually doesn't like us as much as they do.

21:01

It's shocking. So researchers

21:04

have set these interactions up where

21:06

they bring two strangers together in

21:08

a room. They have a short

21:10

conversation and then they take them apart and separately

21:12

ask them, how much did

21:14

you like the other person and how much do

21:16

you think they liked you? And

21:18

then they compare the answers. And

21:20

what they find is consistently and

21:23

significantly people underestimate how much the

21:25

other person likes them. So

21:27

we actually like each other a lot more than we

21:30

think. So if you're someone who thinks

21:32

about going to a social situation or

21:34

volunteering or something like that and feels

21:36

a little anxious, it's helpful to remember,

21:39

chances are people like you more than

21:41

you think. The

21:43

last study I will share, because I

21:45

think it's so interesting and it's highly

21:47

relevant to this question, is that in

21:50

one study, researchers hooked people

21:52

up with like an audio recorder and then they

21:54

asked them several times throughout the day over the

21:56

course of a week, who are you connecting with?

21:59

How does it feel? feel, how connected do you

22:01

feel, how happy do you feel? So they monitored

22:03

their conversations over a week. And

22:06

what they found was that the

22:08

more often people connected and

22:10

the more deep those conversations were,

22:13

the happier they felt. And

22:16

this was true for both introverts

22:18

and extroverts, which

22:20

is surprising because on one hand

22:23

introverts were happier connecting more frequently

22:25

than they thought they would enjoy.

22:28

And extroverts liked deeper conversations

22:30

more than just casual connection

22:32

like we might assume. So

22:35

in all these studies, you can see

22:37

that what we think we might like

22:39

or what we think might come out

22:41

of a social interaction, it might actually

22:44

be a little different. It might go

22:46

better than we expect. So I encourage

22:48

everyone to be armed with that information

22:50

when you go into an interaction

22:53

or a situation or when you're pushing

22:55

yourself to engage a little bit

22:57

more. This episode is brought to you

23:00

by the Boss Babe podcast, a show

23:02

for entrepreneurs looking to start, grow, or

23:04

scale a freedom-based business hosted by Natalie

23:06

Ellis, founder and CEO of BossBabe, who

23:08

has spent the last decade building businesses

23:10

and perfecting the exact roadmap to build

23:12

a thriving, profitable business that creates true

23:15

freedom of time and money. Every week,

23:17

Natalie's diving into the things that every

23:19

entrepreneur needs to know to be successful,

23:21

from strategies to grow an audience on

23:23

social media and build a sales engine

23:25

in your business to leadership, mindset systems,

23:27

and more. Natalie's incredible. And yes,

23:29

I know her in real life. I've had

23:32

her on the show. She's been a guest

23:34

here before, and I have been a guest

23:36

on her show. Listen to Boss Babe podcast

23:38

to defeat the limiting beliefs that are holding

23:40

you back with Jamie Kern Lima. Finally, get

23:42

what you want with Mel Robbins and learn

23:44

the key to winning in any economy with

23:46

Lori Harder. These are just a few of

23:48

the episodes that could completely change the trajectory

23:50

of your life and business. All you have

23:52

to do is press play. Start implementing what

23:54

you learn from her. Subscribe to the Boss

23:57

Babe podcast on Apple, Spotify, or your

23:59

favorite podcast platform. to level up your business

24:01

this year. That's the Boss Babe podcast hosted

24:03

by Natalie Ellis to get everything you need

24:05

to start, grow or scale your business. You

24:08

don't have to figure it all out alone.

24:10

Start listening and get the support and roadmap

24:12

you need to unlock your next level of

24:14

success. Hit subscribe and take one step in

24:17

the direction of achieving even your most ambitious

24:19

goals. This is so interesting to me

24:21

and I had no idea about it, this, the

24:23

liking gap. That is really peculiar

24:25

to me. What drives that or

24:27

is that just like inherent like

24:30

self doubt or diminishing our own world?

24:32

Like why is that? That's a

24:34

great question. I would

24:36

suspect that there's a little bit

24:38

of survival mode kicking in where

24:40

it feels protective to sort of

24:42

assume the worst and try to

24:45

hedge our bets and

24:47

take action according to that. But

24:49

in fact, it's holding us back. And

24:51

so whatever that kick is that's going

24:54

on psychologically, I would encourage us all

24:56

to step beyond that and say, you

24:58

know what, I'm going to fight that

25:00

instinct and recognize that data shows

25:02

people like me more than I think and

25:04

going into interactions with that belief is going

25:07

to help you feel more confident and actually

25:09

have a more positive interaction which then becomes

25:11

a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Okay, so I'm

25:13

always speaking at things from my lens of

25:16

my own life, but this is reminding me

25:18

of like dating on apps, right? So which

25:20

I feel like our whole world right now

25:22

is set up to make everybody lonely and

25:25

on the other side of a computer and

25:27

not out right in the way that it

25:29

used to be. However, there

25:31

are some, you know, numbers in regards

25:34

to success and things and you look at,

25:36

I'm sure there's data on it that if

25:38

you don't use dating apps it probably takes

25:40

longer to find somebody, right? So you put

25:42

yourself in these virtual arenas and when I'm

25:44

hearing you talk, it's remind me of that

25:46

like people wondering, oh, I don't think this

25:49

person is going to like me. And then

25:51

also feeling isolated. I'm meeting people on an

25:53

interaction on an app with text messaging. How

25:55

do we set ourselves up for better success

25:57

and better and more deeper connection when we're

25:59

in. in all these virtual environments? Yeah,

26:02

it's such a great question. My

26:05

first answer would be whenever possible

26:07

to seek out those in-person opportunities

26:09

for connection because the research is

26:11

clear that there's just nothing like

26:13

being face-to-face, reading each other's body

26:15

cues, having physical touch, right? Shaking

26:18

hands, having a hug, those really

26:20

do matter for connection. But shy

26:22

of that, there are still steps

26:24

we can take so that the

26:26

time we're spending on Zoom or

26:28

on social media or on

26:31

email can still be more connective. And

26:33

these apply in real in-person

26:35

situations as well. So one

26:37

example is vulnerability. So

26:39

studies have shown that when we

26:41

disclose something to another, maybe we

26:44

confide in someone about a challenge

26:46

we're going through or

26:48

share an aspiration that we're hoping to

26:50

achieve, but something that goes a little

26:53

beyond the surface level and really shares

26:55

with the other person something true and

26:58

authentic about us, they're

27:00

gonna perceive us more favorably

27:02

and we're gonna perceive them more favorably.

27:04

So people like us when we confide

27:06

in them and we like them better

27:08

when we confide in them. So

27:11

by being a little bit vulnerable and it doesn't

27:13

have to be sharing your

27:15

deepest, darkest wounds but just going

27:17

beyond that surface level that engenders

27:20

trust, right? It invites the opportunity

27:22

for deeper connection and for bonding

27:24

on that real human level. And

27:26

that's something we can do over

27:28

Zoom and in person. Would it

27:30

be better in person? Sure, we'd

27:32

all love to get that hug afterward or

27:35

to feel each other's presence but it's

27:37

still the kind of ritual that we

27:39

can do in person or remotely rather

27:41

in the right context with the right

27:44

person to help us get closer. So

27:46

that's one example. And

27:48

so interesting to me that what you've found

27:51

in this research, it's very eye-opening. I mean,

27:53

were you surprised by the information that you

27:55

found when you started researching this? Yeah, absolutely.

27:57

Because I'm guilty of all of these biases.

28:00

and misconceptions myself. That's why I find

28:02

it so fascinating, right? When

28:04

we start to understand these insights,

28:07

we can really use them in

28:09

our real lives to go out,

28:11

feel more confident, prioritize connection, and

28:14

that's good for us all. Cassie, you

28:16

have a new book out, The Art

28:18

and Science of Connection. Wanna

28:20

talk a little bit about why you wrote

28:22

this book and what the goal of the

28:24

book is. Absolutely. So

28:26

as you said, I've been studying

28:29

themes of connection and loneliness for

28:31

over a decade now. It's something I'm

28:34

so passionate about. But what

28:36

I found is that missing from the

28:38

conversation is this idea of social health.

28:40

When we typically talk about what it

28:42

means to be healthy or what to

28:44

do to be healthy, we

28:46

focus on physical and mental health, right?

28:49

We exercise regularly and we get a

28:51

good night's sleep and we drink lots

28:53

of water and eat healthy foods in

28:55

order to be physically healthy.

28:57

Maybe we go to therapy

28:59

or we journal or meditate

29:02

or practice self-care as a way to

29:04

reduce our stress levels to take care

29:06

of our mental health, right? This is

29:08

kind of the conventional wisdom that

29:11

we're all familiar with for how to be healthy.

29:13

But what the research shows and what

29:16

we've been talking about is that when

29:18

we connect meaningfully, that has

29:20

health benefits. That helps us live

29:22

longer, right? We started off sharing

29:24

those statistics when people have

29:26

meaningful relationships in the amounts and ways

29:29

that are nourishing to them, right? Whether

29:31

you're an introvert or extrovert, that might

29:33

look different for each of us. But

29:35

when you have that sense of support

29:37

and connectivity, that improves your

29:39

health and longevity. So what we see

29:41

is that health is not

29:44

just physical and mental, it's also

29:46

social, it's relational. We also

29:48

need to take care of our relationships

29:50

in the same way that we take

29:52

care of our bodies and minds to

29:54

be healthy. So what

29:56

this book does is really help

29:58

make that practice. So if

30:01

we understand that health is also social, how

30:04

do we actually go about understanding our own

30:06

social health? How do we go about improving

30:08

it so that we're living the best life

30:10

that we can through our

30:12

relationships and through our sense of community?

30:15

So the book is really making practical

30:17

all the research insights. It shares a

30:19

lot of stories from different people who've

30:22

overcome challenges to be, to

30:25

really thrive through connection. It

30:27

has different mindset shifts to help us go

30:30

about this if it feels a bit foreboding.

30:33

And then at the broader level, it's really

30:35

a call to action for us collectively to

30:37

think about how do we make our

30:39

society and culture more meaningfully connected, right?

30:41

Right now, a lot of people are

30:44

feeling isolated and lonely, and a lot

30:46

of our society is set up that way, right? We

30:49

need to reimagine our cities as

30:51

connected places. We need to reimagine

30:53

our technology tools and

30:55

the policies that we put into law,

30:58

kind of reimagining all of our lives

31:00

so that we can prioritize social health

31:03

because it's so imperative for us to

31:05

be able to live long, healthy, and

31:07

happy. Oh, I'm so glad

31:09

that we're having this conversation because it's just not

31:11

something that most of us, I mean, you're thinking

31:14

about it every day, but most of us not

31:16

really thinking about a strategy to be more connected

31:18

and, you know, going through your work.

31:20

And it would open my eyes to some things

31:23

I do great. Like I thought to myself, I

31:25

have so many amazing, very strong

31:27

circle of friends. It's crazy. I'm so

31:29

blessed. However, we make each other priorities

31:31

and we have our whole lives. So

31:33

it's such a blessing because I was

31:35

thinking that's benefiting me and a health

31:37

standpoint for the times when your romantic

31:39

relationship isn't there or the business relationship,

31:41

you know, you're isolated on Zoom or

31:43

whatever it is, you still have this

31:45

other pocket. So it just,

31:48

it was so helpful to have

31:50

your book and to understand that

31:52

these choices that sometimes seem difficult

31:54

are such great choices in

31:57

the end, right? Absolutely. And

31:59

I love what you do. highlighted there,

32:01

which is the idea that you have

32:03

different friends and different kinds of relationships

32:05

so that if one of them isn't

32:07

going well, that's okay. You've got these

32:09

other sources of social health for you

32:11

to draw from. And that's really important.

32:13

That's one of the principles that I

32:15

write about, which is that we need

32:17

diverse ties, right? We need some

32:19

close friends. We need some looser friends

32:22

who we're less connected to, but they're

32:24

still there for different kinds of socializing

32:26

opportunities, family, neighbors,

32:29

coworkers, right? The groups that we're part

32:31

of, if you go to church or if you're part

32:33

of a chess club or a field

32:35

hockey club or whatever it might be,

32:37

right? Those groups confer a different kind

32:40

of value to our social

32:42

lives. And so drawing from those

32:44

different sources is really important. And

32:46

what I invite everyone to do

32:48

is really recognize that

32:50

when you have lunch with a

32:52

friend and have a deep conversation,

32:54

or when you check in on

32:56

a coworker who's been struggling with

32:58

a project, or when

33:00

you call your grandparents or your

33:03

grandkids and tell them that you

33:05

care about them, those interactions are

33:08

changing your health and they're changing the

33:10

other people's health as well. They're vital

33:12

to us living a long time. And

33:14

so the power that each of us have to

33:18

connect with other people and to have

33:20

that influence our lifespans is so much

33:22

bigger than any of us even realize.

33:24

Oh my gosh. When you were talking

33:27

about that, like the different relationships and neighbors and

33:29

whatnot, it reminds me of, I lived somewhere for

33:31

17 years. So obviously I knew, and I was

33:33

in a building, I knew everyone in the building

33:35

and been there forever. And so people would come

33:37

up and introduce themselves to me when they would

33:39

move there. Because I had been a fixture. However,

33:42

almost two years ago now I moved. And so when

33:44

I moved to a new building, I know no one.

33:46

I don't know the valet. I don't know the people

33:48

that work in the building. I don't know the neighbors.

33:51

I don't know anyone. And I remember there was a

33:53

short window where it felt isolating because I was comparing

33:55

it so much to my old situation where I knew

33:57

everybody. And so I had people I could rely on.

34:00

And it took a little bit of time because

34:02

I wasn't cognizant of it. I wasn't being strategic

34:04

like your book, The Art and Science of Connection

34:06

is helping us to do. And

34:08

so finally I started stumbling upon it. I was recognizing,

34:10

wait a minute, because I'm not talking to anybody around

34:12

here. So I had to put myself out there, of

34:14

course. And I remember an easy way to do it

34:16

was with valet because you're talking to people when they're

34:18

getting your car or whatever, or you're not. Right. So

34:20

I just started, hey, hi, how are you? Where are

34:22

you from? You know, I'm new here. I just moved

34:25

here. And then one day I'm like, all right, I'm

34:27

just going to go buy these guys a pizza. And

34:30

do something nice for them. And that

34:32

one little thing changed the dynamic massively because

34:35

one of the guys, and this is why

34:37

everyone listening, you will always find your people

34:39

if you put yourself out there. He came

34:41

up to me privately was like, listen, yo,

34:43

no one does that. That was

34:45

so cool that you did it. Anytime you bring us food,

34:47

we are going to worship you. So I could tell he

34:50

kind of speaks my language. And so then if I was

34:52

at the grocery, I'd like to pick up a small thing,

34:54

nothing big, you know, but like a little and I'd always

34:56

toss it to him. And it

34:58

created this bond with him and I, which was crazy.

35:00

And my son got into trouble one day. I wasn't

35:02

around. I called him and I said, I just found

35:04

out my son's in trouble. Will you help? And

35:07

he was like covered, like, don't even sweat it, Heather. He

35:09

was so happy to help. He did such a great job

35:11

to take care of my son. Anyways, but the whole point

35:14

of the story is this is that none of that would

35:16

have happened if I didn't start like showing up and trying

35:18

to talk to those guys. And in the end, listen, there's

35:20

plenty of people down there. I never got close to you.

35:23

But I did find my right people and it

35:25

paid off on both sides. I

35:28

love that story so much. And I

35:30

think what's beautiful about that is that those

35:32

were really small things that you did to

35:35

show the other person that you know, they're a human

35:37

and that you talk to them on the regular. And

35:39

hey, we should know each other, right? It's

35:42

like valuing them as a person. And that can

35:44

be done even without spending money, right? Maybe

35:47

it's just taking a few more minutes to

35:49

strike up conversation with someone. If

35:52

you ride the bus every day or

35:54

if you, you know, have someone, a

35:57

security guard in the lobby at the

35:59

office where you work, whatever. it might

36:01

be, those small interactions really matter. And

36:03

the studies are showing that as well

36:06

too, right? We need those deeper connections

36:08

where we, you know, with friends and

36:10

family, where we know everything about each

36:13

other's lives, but we also need those

36:15

little micro moments of connection where we're

36:17

having small positive interactions with the people

36:19

who are in our neighborhoods and in

36:22

our workplaces and in our schools and

36:24

our communities, because those also make us

36:26

feel less alone. They make us feel

36:29

more like we're part of something and

36:31

like we matter, which is such a

36:33

core fundamental need that all of us

36:35

share. Well, how do you

36:38

get people to do that? Or how are

36:40

you able to do it when it's so

36:42

easy to get busy and like when I'm

36:44

having a bad day and downward spiral and

36:46

rush by people because I'm in a hurry

36:48

and I'm having a bad day to begin

36:50

with and people are letting me down. Like,

36:52

how do you get people to be intentional

36:54

that, wait a minute, pick my hat up

36:56

and I'm going to say hello to the

36:58

person next to me in the elevator, PS,

37:00

that most people never even speak to? Like,

37:02

how do you get people to recognize those

37:04

moments? Well, first of all, I'd say we

37:06

can all have grace with ourselves, right? There

37:08

are going to be days when we're busy

37:10

and overwhelmed and don't worry about it, right?

37:12

We should all be a little bit compassionate

37:14

toward ourselves, but there are simple ways that

37:16

we can weave it more into our data

37:18

days. And it can be as simple as

37:20

setting a reminder on your calendar. Like, I

37:23

have a reminder on my calendar every Friday

37:25

to send someone a note of gratitude. And

37:27

it literally takes one minute. I

37:29

think of someone from that week and

37:31

I send them an email or text,

37:33

or maybe if it's a friend and

37:35

I have time, I'll give them a

37:37

call. But even just taking that one

37:39

minute of time to turn outward and

37:41

connect with someone. Another way is to

37:43

write down a list of your kind

37:45

of top relationships that are most important

37:47

for you to keep really close, right?

37:50

A to love list instead of a

37:52

to do list. Who are those core

37:54

relationships that you want to make sure

37:56

you're connecting with regularly? Because I'll bet

37:58

you we can. and all relate to

38:00

suddenly realizing that it's been several months

38:02

since we've talked to our best friends

38:04

or called our grandparent or whoever that

38:06

person might be, right? Time goes by

38:08

quickly, we're all busy. And so putting

38:10

that list, put your to love list,

38:12

somewhere you're gonna see it every day,

38:14

next to your coffee machine, next to

38:16

your toothbrush when you get up in

38:18

the morning, so that you're cued and

38:21

primed to think about the people who

38:23

matter most to you. And then if

38:25

it's been too long since you've actually

38:27

talked to one of them or reached

38:29

out, reaching back out, putting in

38:31

that effort. Those are a couple simple ways

38:34

that we can prioritize connection in our day-to-day

38:36

lives. And like you said earlier, for

38:38

anyone that's thinking, oh, they don't really wanna hear from me,

38:40

they're not gonna care, it's no big deal. People

38:43

like us more than we actually think

38:45

they do, correct? Absolutely, they like us

38:47

more than we think they do. And

38:50

also they appreciate hearing from us more

38:52

than we think they do. That's

38:54

so wild. What about this? I like this.

38:56

We all have people that we need to

38:59

interact with sometimes and we might not get

39:01

along with very well. What can we do

39:03

to counteract the negative toll that takes on

39:05

our social health? It's a

39:07

big one. Yeah, it

39:09

is. I mean, we all have, maybe it's

39:11

that coworker who you just really butt heads

39:14

with and don't get along with but you

39:16

have to work with them on a regular

39:18

basis. Or maybe you're a parent

39:20

and you have to go to birthdays for

39:22

your child with other parents who you just,

39:25

they're just not your people. Maybe they're good

39:27

people, but you don't really click with them

39:29

or share interests or values, right? Whatever it

39:31

might be, sometimes there are

39:33

relationships that are outright negative and

39:35

sometimes they're ambivalent. And in

39:38

both those cases, the data shows it can

39:40

actually be detrimental for our social health. So

39:42

it's something we need to pay attention to

39:44

and try to sort of

39:46

limit those interactions where we can,

39:49

but let's be real. Sometimes it's

39:51

inevitable. And so in those cases,

39:53

it's about showing up, being

39:56

friendly and warm and leaving when you

39:58

can and then counter- that

40:00

in some way. Counteracting that interaction

40:02

could look like spending time alone

40:04

to just like take a breather

40:07

and relax and decompress from it.

40:09

Or it could mean adding in a

40:11

more positive interaction, right? Calling a friend

40:13

and venting about what just happened or

40:16

spending time with someone

40:18

you really do love and prioritizing

40:20

that quality time to kind of

40:22

offset it and balance and recalibrate.

40:25

So those are a few examples, but that's

40:27

the reality is that we're all navigating our

40:29

social worlds, one interaction at a time, and

40:31

it's not all going to be positive. And

40:34

that's okay, right? Like we can be

40:36

resilient through that and just recognize that

40:38

some relationships are positive

40:40

and strong and we should nourish those

40:42

as much as we can and maximize

40:46

that kind of connection and

40:48

then take and stride the ones that are

40:50

more difficult. Who did you write this

40:52

book for? I wrote it for absolutely

40:55

everyone who cares about

40:57

connecting more meaningfully. And

41:00

I wrote it for everyone who's interested

41:02

in being healthier in surprising ways, right?

41:04

I think that, well, I know based

41:07

on the research that a lot of

41:09

people underestimate the importance of our relationships,

41:11

not just for happiness, right? It's not

41:14

just about feeling good. It's not just

41:16

touchy feely. It's literally down to your

41:18

risk for premature mortality, your risk for

41:21

cardiovascular disease, your risk for diabetes and

41:23

dementia and so many other illnesses,

41:25

right? Our immune systems

41:27

are stronger when we have meaningful connection.

41:30

There was a study I loved a

41:32

while back that infected people with

41:34

the cold virus. I love the scientists who

41:36

come up with these crazy ideas.

41:39

They infected people with the cold

41:41

virus and the people who had

41:43

a stronger sense of social support

41:46

and who got more hugs on

41:48

a daily basis had

41:50

fewer cold symptoms. So

41:53

literally a hug a day keeps

41:55

the doctor away, right? Like it

41:57

is empowering to your immune system.

42:00

to feel connected in these kinds of

42:02

ways. And so this book is for

42:04

anyone who wants to understand how to

42:07

actually weave this into your day to

42:09

day and be empowered to be socially

42:11

healthy. We a

42:13

different guest each week. We're

42:15

gonna have to change. Come on, but it's

42:17

clear. With

42:50

NetSuite, you reduce IT costs because

42:53

NetSuite lives in the cloud with

42:55

no hardware required accessed from anywhere.

42:58

You cut the cost of maintaining

43:00

multiple systems because you've got one

43:02

unified business management suite. You

43:05

improve efficiency by bringing all your

43:07

major business processes into one platform,

43:10

slashing manual tasks and errors.

43:13

Over 37,000 companies have already made the

43:15

move. So do the math.

43:18

See how you'll profit with NetSuite. I

43:20

want you to know that finding ways to

43:22

be more efficient, cut costs and get rid

43:24

of errors and mistakes

43:26

can completely transform your business,

43:29

boost your performance at the

43:31

same time. This is

43:33

why you need NetSuite now. Now

43:36

through April 15th, NetSuite is offering

43:38

a one of a kind flexible

43:40

financing program. Head

43:43

to netsuite.com/Monahan.

43:46

netsuite.com/Monahan.

43:49

netsuite.com/ Monahan. You

44:07

can also save up to $1 off per gallon at

44:09

the pump with FuelPoints. More savings

44:12

and more inspiring flavors make shopping

44:14

Kroger worth it every time. Kroger,

44:16

fresh for everyone. Fuel restrictions apply.

44:21

I ask you to try to find your

44:23

passion. How

44:26

do you get your 16-year-old to keep hugging you? I

44:30

wish I had an answer for that one. You

44:33

stumped me. You stumped me? I hope you

44:35

figure that one out. I'm like, this kid

44:37

never hugs me anymore. I'm

44:40

getting short change. I don't want to get a cold. Come

44:42

on. That's terrible. I'm going to have to let him know

44:44

about that one. OK, so what

44:46

is the framework that you share? Can

44:48

you tell us a little bit about

44:50

the framework that people can use from

44:52

the book? Yeah, absolutely. So one of

44:55

the frameworks in the book to understand

44:57

your social health follows three simple steps.

44:59

And there's a worksheet in there with

45:01

a lot more detail on how to

45:03

go through these. But the first step

45:05

is to just identify the sources of

45:07

your social health. So who is important

45:09

to you? Who are you

45:11

connecting with on a regular basis? What

45:14

groups do you belong to? Really do

45:16

an inventory of what your social world

45:18

looks like on a day-to-day basis. Who

45:21

are the people and the connections that

45:23

matter to you? And

45:25

who you interact with regularly? The second

45:27

step is assessing the strength

45:29

of each of those. So the

45:32

questions that we need to ask

45:34

ourselves about our different social interactions

45:36

is, are they mutual and are

45:39

they meaningful? So with

45:41

a given friend or with a given

45:43

family member, does it feel like it's

45:45

a bidirectional exchange of support? Does it

45:47

feel like it's meaningful in a nourishing

45:49

way? Because we've talked a lot about

45:51

those micro moments in our day-to-day. But

45:54

it's also important that we have people

45:56

who really see, understand, and know who

45:58

we are. at our core. So making

46:01

sure that we have different

46:03

relationships and communities that are both

46:05

mutual and meaningful. And then the

46:07

last step is to understand the

46:09

strategy that you need to take.

46:11

So you might kind of do

46:13

this inventory and look at your

46:15

social landscape and realize you

46:17

want more friends. Like there's not enough.

46:20

Maybe you have great friends, but you're

46:22

not part of any groups and that's

46:24

valuable in its own right. So maybe

46:26

it's about expanding. And in that case,

46:28

your strategy is to stretch your social

46:30

muscles. So just like we stretch our

46:32

physical muscles, you can stretch your social

46:35

muscles, or you might look at that,

46:37

your social landscape and think, actually, I'm

46:39

good. Like the number of people who

46:41

I'm connecting with, maybe it's actually too

46:43

much, right? Like maybe I'm overwhelmed by

46:45

my social obligations and I actually need

46:47

to step back. In that case, it's

46:50

about resting your social muscles. So just

46:52

like it's important to rest your physical

46:54

muscles in between workouts or in between

46:56

reps, right? We need to also give

46:58

rest to our social lives as well

47:00

sometimes. Or it could

47:03

be that you want to go deeper.

47:05

So you've got these connections, but you

47:07

feel like some of them just aren't

47:09

going to that deeper level. And so

47:11

in that case, it's about toning your

47:13

social muscles, right? And just like we

47:15

tone our physical muscles to become stronger,

47:17

how do you tone your social muscles?

47:19

And then the last strategy is around

47:21

flexing your social muscles. So if you're

47:23

like, I'm good, I've got these close

47:25

ties, I'm feeling good, how do you

47:27

sustain that in the long term and

47:29

make sure that it stays that way?

47:31

So how do you flex your social

47:33

muscles? What are some of

47:35

the strategies that you can share for people

47:37

when I'm listening to you talk about this?

47:39

This hits me that a lot of people,

47:42

I would think more people struggle with trying

47:44

to get out there and create these relationships.

47:46

They're not cutting back. They're not, some people

47:48

are overly committed socially for sure. They exist.

47:50

But I would think more people are isolating

47:53

themselves and don't have enough relationship for those

47:55

people. How do you suggest other than I

47:57

know we talked earlier about volunteer. hearing and

47:59

serving others. Is there a way when they

48:01

walk into an environment and they see a

48:03

lot of people? Like how can someone approach

48:05

it and feel a little bit more comfortable?

48:08

So one thing I would say is to

48:11

go into those situations with some of the

48:13

mindsets that we've talked about, which is chances

48:15

are when you strike up conversation with someone

48:17

or you go into a social interaction, they're

48:20

probably going to like you more than you

48:22

think. And they're probably going to appreciate the

48:24

fact that you're connecting with them more than

48:26

you think, right? They're probably feeling the way

48:29

you are, which is a little bit nervous

48:31

and anxious. Most of us feel that way

48:33

when we go into a new situation. The

48:36

other thing I would suggest is to do

48:38

what you love with others, right?

48:40

So choose opportunities to do something

48:43

that already brings you alive. Maybe

48:45

that's playing pickleball or joining a

48:47

choir or whatever it is that

48:50

you enjoy hiking, right? Find

48:52

opportunities to do that with other

48:54

people. If you like painting, sign

48:56

up for a painting class. If

48:58

you like swimming, sign up for

49:01

a swim meetup, right? So that

49:03

you have an opportunity to have

49:05

something in common already with those

49:07

people who you're interacting with, right?

49:09

When we center a new connection where

49:11

we're trying to make new friends or

49:13

build new community around something we love

49:16

and around something that they love

49:18

also, that's already a bond there,

49:20

right? So the conversation can more

49:22

naturally arise around that. And we

49:24

have an easier time of getting

49:26

to know those people. So one

49:28

example I love is my mom

49:30

actually, she was retired. She had

49:32

moved to a new town and

49:35

she joined a local conservancy to

49:37

start volunteering and lead

49:40

hikes around the desert. This was in

49:42

Arizona. And she did that with a

49:44

bunch of other people who also loved

49:46

being out in nature and also loved

49:48

hiking and out of that opportunity where

49:50

they were just all doing something they

49:52

loved together. She made all these new

49:54

friends and now 10 years have gone

49:56

by and they're still really close. So

49:58

it's easier to... develop those

50:00

new friendships and stretch our social

50:02

muscles if there's some kind of

50:04

shared experience around something we love

50:06

already. I could not agree with

50:09

you more. And again, I was never looking at this

50:11

stuff strategically. Thank goodness. I just did it. But I

50:13

remember, oh my gosh, probably eight years ago, I was

50:15

in New York. There was a woman who had messaged

50:17

me a few times. Anyways, I made time to go

50:20

meet her for lunch. I had no idea who this

50:22

woman was. She was much younger than me. It's not

50:24

someone I would typically hang out with. Bottom line is

50:26

this, we hit it off that day. We

50:29

became friends. Anytime I was in New York, I would

50:31

make it a priority to go see her. This is

50:33

eight years ago. Today, this woman lives right down the

50:35

street from me, by chance left New York, moved to

50:38

Miami, is one of my dearest friends in Miami,

50:40

in the city. We spend so much time together.

50:42

She helps me so much with business. I try

50:44

to do the same for her. We were just

50:46

partners in crime. And this would have never happened

50:49

if I hadn't taken... She hadn't sent me that

50:51

DM message on LinkedIn, not knowing me, and saying,

50:53

hey, if you're ever in New York, hit me

50:55

up. And then me actually hitting her up and

50:57

saying, hey, I'm here. If you want

51:00

to grab lunch or whatever, let's do it. You

51:02

have to put yourself out there because you never

51:04

know what's going to happen. You never know what

51:06

that can potentially turn into. You never

51:08

know. And the other thing is that sometimes those

51:11

aren't going to go well. Sometimes you're going to

51:13

meet up with that stranger and you're going to

51:15

think afterward, why did I do that? That was

51:17

not a good use of my time. And that's

51:20

okay. It's literally like dating. Some dates aren't going

51:22

to be the person we're going to wind up

51:24

with. And that's totally okay. That's part of the

51:26

process. So it's helpful to

51:28

kind of have that mindset of

51:30

experimentation and play when we go

51:33

into stretching our social muscles and

51:35

try to make new friends or

51:37

branch out to connecting with someone new.

51:39

They're not all going to go, okay. And

51:41

that's, that's fine. Just

51:43

lean into it and be open to the

51:46

possibility that it could, and that that random

51:48

stranger could end up being a lifelong friend

51:50

who lives down the street from you or

51:52

they might not. And that's okay too. Well,

51:55

there's no doubt that having great connections

51:57

and having deep connections does make you.

52:00

so much happier. Like just even acknowledging some

52:02

of the things that you're teaching us today

52:04

is making me feel so much better and

52:06

more up to try to later tonight when

52:08

I'm out at dinner, like to meet new

52:10

people and remind myself that that's something I'm

52:12

in charge of and I can do. For

52:14

anyone, Cassie, that's saying, hey, the art and

52:16

science of connection, that's for me, I need

52:18

to get this book. Where can they get

52:20

your new book? Where can they find you?

52:22

How can they start breaking through and developing

52:24

connections in their life? Sure. So the book

52:26

is available anywhere books are sold. So go

52:28

to your local independent bookstore, go online, you

52:30

can get it on Amazon anywhere you want.

52:33

So yeah, definitely check that out. I also

52:35

write a newsletter where I share the latest

52:37

research and practical tips on a regular basis.

52:39

So if you go to my website, cassie.com,

52:41

you can join that and also find me

52:43

on social media at Cassie Killam, where I

52:45

share many more tips on a regular basis.

52:47

All right, the book is the art and

52:49

science of connection. Go get it. Make this

52:51

world a better place, a happier place. And

52:53

it starts with you and the changes you

52:55

can make today. This is a great one

52:57

for you, Cassie. Thank you so much for

52:59

the work you're doing. I love it. Love

53:01

it. Love it. I'm so here for it.

53:03

I appreciate you taking the time today to

53:05

be with us. Thank you, Heather. This was

53:07

fun. All right. Check out the book,

53:09

the art and science of connection until next week. Keep

53:12

creating your confidence. You know, I will be. In

53:22

here. Hi,

53:37

I'm here to tell you about

53:39

a new podcast that I am

53:42

so excited about. Negotiate Your Best

53:44

Life, hosted by Rebecca Zung, a

53:46

part of the Yap Media Network

53:48

as a globally renowned narcissist negotiation

53:50

expert and an attorney recognized by

53:52

U.S. News as a best lawyer

53:54

in America. Rebecca shares her invaluable

53:57

insights and strategies for navigating life's

53:59

toughest negotiation. By drawing

54:01

from her own experiences and the

54:03

wisdom of her high-profile guests such

54:05

as Bob Proctor, Mark Victor Hansen,

54:08

John Gordon and Rebecca delivers empowering

54:10

advice that will inspire you to

54:12

reclaim control of your life. Negotiate

54:14

your best life is all about

54:16

how to negotiate your way to

54:18

greatness. She provides practical guidance

54:20

on how to break free from toxic

54:23

relationships, stand up against injustice and transform

54:25

chaos into freedom, possibility and purpose. Many

54:27

times the first negotiation you do is

54:30

with your own in the morning. In

54:32

the morning is when you wake up

54:34

and that's when negotiate your best life

54:36

is time for you. It's about to

54:39

find your way to greatness, conquering obstacles

54:41

and creating a life you truly deserve.

54:43

Get ready to slay, thrive and unlock

54:46

your full potential. Don't believe me? I'm

54:48

gonna go ahead and share some of the reviews

54:50

that are out there so you could hear and

54:53

you can believe too. You

54:55

have helped me so much these last

54:57

few weeks. I was with a narcissist

54:59

for two years. She drove me to

55:01

the point I wanted to take my

55:03

own life. Listening to you has made

55:05

a massive difference and now I know

55:07

what I'm with. Thank you Rebecca. Now

55:09

the recovery. Thank you

55:12

for gifting the knowledge to believe

55:14

in myself again. You have unknowingly

55:16

helped me legally represent myself through

55:18

criminal, federal and civil court proceedings

55:20

with a narcissist. There would

55:22

be so many people around the world that

55:24

you're helping without even knowing like me. You

55:26

saved my life. Emma, 35 years

55:28

old, Australia. If you are

55:30

ready to stand up against injustice and

55:33

transform the chaos in your life into

55:35

freedom, possibility and purpose, then check out

55:37

Negotiate Your Best Life now. Subscribe

55:39

to Negotiate Your Best Life with

55:41

Rebecca Zung on Apple Podcasts Spotify

55:44

or your favorite podcast platform. This

55:50

episode is brought to you by the Yap Media

55:52

Podcast Network. I'm Halitaha, CEO

55:54

of the award-winning digital media empire

55:57

Yap Media and host of Yap

55:59

Young Improv- a number

56:01

one entrepreneurship and self-improvement podcast where

56:04

you can listen, learn, and profit. On Young and

56:06

Profiting podcast, I interview the brightest minds in the

56:08

world and I turn their wisdom into actionable

56:10

advice that you

56:12

can use in your daily life. Each week we dive into a

56:14

new topic like the art of side hustles, how

56:17

to level up your influence and persuasion and goal

56:19

setting. I interview A-list guests on

56:21

Young and Profiting. I've got the best guests. Like

56:25

the world's number one negotiation expert, Chris Voss,

56:28

Shark, Damon John, serial entrepreneurs,

56:30

Alex and Leila Hermosi, and

56:32

even movie stars like Matthew McConaughey.

56:35

There's absolutely no fluff on my

56:37

podcast, and that's on purpose. Every

56:40

episode is jam-packed with advice that's going to

56:42

push your life forward. I do my research,

56:44

I get straight to the point, and

56:46

I take things really seriously, which is

56:48

why I'm known as the podcast princess and how

56:51

I became one of the top podcasters in the

56:53

world in less than five years. Young

56:55

and Profiting podcast is for all ages, don't

56:57

let the name fool you, it's an advanced

56:59

show. As long as you want to learn

57:01

and level up, you will be forever young.

57:03

So join Podcast Royalty and subscribe to

57:06

Young and Profiting podcast, or YAP like

57:08

it's often called by my YAP fam,

57:10

on Apple, Spotify, Castbox, or wherever you

57:12

listen to your podcasts.