2:00

be very careful. But I personally can't

2:02

do it man. I just look at anything, I'm always looking

2:04

at the price. Even at IBM, when they

2:06

offer me food, I always try to get them the cheapest

2:08

deal, even though they are paying. I don't know why I

2:10

do that here. Boys are very

2:12

upset. My lobster kellade. Subko. From

2:15

today, lobster for everyone. Second

2:17

question. Masala Mantra asks, which holiday

2:19

destination do you think is overhyped

2:22

and which one is totally worth it? Although I

2:24

have Goa in blood, I must say Goa is

2:27

overhyped. Not because of the place, but just too

2:29

many Mumbaikers. I can't

2:31

stand the same people that you sort of know. And

2:33

I hate that people are happy to see you again.

2:35

I'm like, we've come here not to see each other.

2:37

Why we see each other again? Hooray Brocha! No, no,

2:40

no, no, no, no. Let's just put your head down

2:42

and go somewhere else. And if you go in June,

2:44

July, which is now because of IB and all that

2:46

nonsense, we have shifted from May holiday to June, July

2:48

holiday, then we get the North and the East. So

2:50

the best of Delhi and Calcutta. Bro, I

2:53

tell you honestly, let's not go to the same three,

2:55

four places. Can't we, if the government just listens to

2:57

me and pushes, they were pushing for Lakshwati, what happened?

2:59

Andaman's in Lakshwati, except for the prime minister, no one

3:01

else is going there. Push all these other places. No,

3:03

because Goa has been overhyped to death. Yeah. I can't

3:05

stand it when someone smiles. I'm off to Goa with

3:08

a big smile. I'm like, everybody goes

3:10

to Goa six times a year. Only Goa doesn't want to

3:12

go back to Goa. Everybody else is like, okay, let's go

3:14

to Goa. Bus, there should be a break on Goa for

3:16

about two years. No one should be allowed to travel to

3:18

Goa for two years, six months minimum. And then

3:20

we will see where else you can go. I mean,

3:22

look at the, so many places you've never been to.

3:25

I've never been to Orissa, which had some of the

3:27

best places, Puri, Ori and all that. I've never been.

3:29

Doesn't mean I'm going to go right now, but just

3:31

interesting to see such a big country and so few

3:33

places have been exploited in a good way. Are you

3:35

going now vacation? No, no, no, I'm not going, I

3:38

can't bear holiday in India with too many Indians. We

3:40

try to avoid them. Because like I said, I can't

3:42

see the same people, like a guy from your neighborhood,

3:44

from the club, from the gym, from the work, from,

3:47

you know, God too many. Now this is the international

3:49

trip now. Yeah. So we're going to a place called

3:51

Bali. I don't know if you've heard of it. It's

3:54

somewhere in Indonesia, a very

3:56

nice place and a little expensive, but.

3:59

Since I don't spend money on the family as

4:01

much as possible, I'm going to have to spend a

4:04

little here. Also, Kurnan will pay half. Even though technically

4:06

he shouldn't because we are three and he's one. So,

4:08

he should pay 25%. He'll never

4:10

see this. So, but you and me, it's a good deal. See,

4:13

Maharashins, up your game. Otherwise,

4:15

he'll just bully you like this. Really? When

4:17

I think about it, I'm feeling bad now. Maybe I should pay

4:19

a little more. But then, look where I'm working.

4:22

Darjeeling Dreamer asks, if you could replace the

4:24

sound of your laugh with any other sound

4:27

like a honking horn or rubber

4:29

chicken squeak, which one would you choose

4:31

and why? I hate the sound of honking

4:33

horns. I have a heart issue with noise. So,

4:35

I can't even bear my own laugh. Plus, there are two types

4:37

of laughs. There's the fake-ish laugh which are not really laughing but you

4:39

would laugh for peer pressure. You know, like when I'm doing my show,

4:42

they just laugh out of peer pressure. They don't really want to

4:44

laugh. And then there's this real laugh. This is real laugh. I like

4:46

the sound of the real laugh. I don't have a problem with that.

4:48

But the peer pressure is a fake laugh. Like my

4:51

good friend Kurnan has a very clear fake laugh.

4:53

It's like his Hindi fake

4:55

laugh is the best. It's like an

4:57

anglicized laugh. So, I'm like, I'm a

4:59

chef, what are you doing?

5:02

So, those laughs irritate me a lot. I'm like,

5:04

there's no need to laugh. I need something funny.

5:06

But anyway, but sounds, please can

5:09

I just re-answer this whole thing? Let's not have a

5:11

horn. The horn sounds should be very minimal. It irritates

5:13

me. I'm always picking fights on the road because I

5:15

can't bear the sound of a horn. I can't bear

5:17

the sound of alarms. I can't bear the sound of

5:19

phone rings. I think I'm mentally sick.

5:21

I can't bear the sound of modern society. I

5:24

just want to just stop all these sounds. I wish

5:26

I sometimes I want to be a godfather for a

5:28

day. So, I can just shoot people for no reason

5:30

just because of small things like sounds. You know, construction

5:32

work, just go there. These

5:37

are just fantasies in my head. They don't write and ask

5:39

for a therapist and all that. It's just, it's good to

5:41

get it out that way. Zippy Munda

5:43

asks, would you rather fight a

5:45

hundred duck sized horses or one

5:47

horse sized duck? Ride.

5:50

Would you rather fight? Fight. I

5:53

can't fight horses. I like horses. Why would I fight them? I'd

5:55

have run away from them. I'd have to

5:57

kill myself. What is the option? One. Fight

6:00

a hundred duck sized horses. Yeah, those are

6:02

minor small horses. That's fine. I won't touch

6:04

them then. Or one horse sized

6:07

duck. No, I just hit a biker coming through one

6:09

way. I am not going to touch all these animals.

6:11

They are beautiful things. Why should I hit them? They

6:13

don't break any laws. They are fine. They are beautiful

6:15

people. But the biker and Scootsy I am talking to

6:18

you especially in my area. Stop it. Okay? And don't

6:20

do this acting every time we catch you. What did

6:22

they do this acting? Huh? You have one way? You

6:24

mother chort. You are breaking it every five minutes and

6:26

you are doing this acting. The greatest actors in India

6:29

are the guys who deliver stuff on bikes. And are

6:31

politicians. I won't take names. But they are fantastic. The

6:33

Bollywood actors are all compared. Make them work on this

6:35

Scootsy and Zomato and see the difference. They won't be

6:38

able to pull it off. They won't

6:40

be able to do this great acting like huh? Yeah,

6:42

you have one way. You are not going to do

6:44

it. You are bastards. Sorry, excuse my

6:46

German. Roma asks what

6:48

do you wish was

6:50

supposed to be illegal? Things which

6:52

are not. What do you wish

6:54

things were actually illegal? Oh, greeting

6:57

people. I think that should be

6:59

just outlawed. It's just been going on and on and

7:01

on. And now we have become very westernized. Americans have

7:03

this very clinical greeting where you don't say anything back.

7:05

We have picked that up. That what's up. What's

7:07

up? How is it doing? How is it hanging? It's just

7:09

like greeting and then just carry on. There is no second.

7:11

My thing is it doesn't work with our culture. Back in

7:14

the day, if you grew up in a town in India,

7:16

there was a lot of this kind of tummies bath when

7:18

they meet you and an old uncle will say, Kessi, you

7:20

have a proper conversation. So he is breaking your stride and

7:22

you have a conversation. Now we are doing

7:24

this whole greeting through every... Look, I

7:26

started at 430. By 830, people are still greeting

7:28

me. 4 hours, I'm up. And all I'm doing

7:30

is saying, Hello, hello, hello, what's up, what's up?

7:33

You're here, you're there. You're here, you're

7:35

here. Why are you here? You're here. The same

7:37

fuckhole thing that happened for 4 hours. By

7:40

930, finally, somebody leaves me alone and stops greeting. And that's only

7:42

because I met them for the last 45 minutes. So

7:44

I think we have to stop these unnecessary greetings.

7:47

And what can people just be the way they really feel? You

7:50

know, I don't mean be toxic and evil, but just,

7:52

you know, don't be fake with the highs and all

7:54

that. Half the people you don't want to look at.

7:57

Why are we acting? Look at Abhishek. He

7:59

and I... We walk in, we look the other

8:01

way. I pee on a wall. He looks the

8:03

other way. He pees on a wall. I look

8:06

the other way. That's the way a relationship... I

8:08

really respect that about you. Okay, really. By

8:10

the way, I cheated and watched your pee. Vakil

8:13

50 has... Did you ever feel like

8:15

producing or directing a TV show but

8:18

not starring in it? I

8:20

have a big problem is that I can only

8:22

work fast. So if I'm the leader,

8:24

there's going to be problems. Okay. Because everybody's slow. And

8:26

it's not whether you're good or bad, but everybody's slow

8:28

and that drives me nuts. Like today, driving the car

8:30

because I go to the airport, you have no idea.

8:32

I've nearly had 400 attacks. I think in the future,

8:34

I will drive the car myself and put the driver

8:37

in the back. Because I can't take this. First,

8:39

I just do shaking like this, you know, because he's

8:42

not... He keeps catching the red light. He won't overtake.

8:44

We always get the only bus in the entire road.

8:46

There will be one bus. He'll go behind that bus.

8:48

And now bus, that's it. We're screwed completely. So I

8:50

don't mind producing or directing. There are two issues. I

8:53

have one. While I'm there, I have to go 100

8:55

miles per hour and most people don't like working like

8:57

that. And two, I don't have stamina. So I don't

8:59

want to come back and watch edits and all that.

9:01

It's too boring. I like the life format for everything.

9:03

So personally, I wouldn't want to do that. You need

9:05

to have patience, resilience. You have to be quiet, calm,

9:07

zen-like to be in this business. I think for us,

9:09

best to be in front of the camera. Because after

9:12

some time, we'll just go with the first take. I'm

9:14

not even going to look at the second. Is

9:16

that wrong? That's how Germany was built in

9:18

the forties. Karan asks, what

9:20

is your earliest cricket memory?

9:23

I have lots of good cricket memories. But

9:25

I think watching the 82 India Park series,

9:30

Imran was swinging the ball to sunny.

9:32

Sunny got one big century. But Mohindar Ahmedat

9:34

got more runs. He got two centuries. And

9:36

the rest of the Indians couldn't cope with

9:38

the swing. Of course, whether the

9:40

ball was reversing naturally or that's another story altogether.

9:42

But it was Imran and in his pump, I

9:44

think Sarfraj Navas and Sikandhar Bhakto were there. Very

9:47

good bowling. And this is a crappy black

9:49

and white TV. Where the commentary and the

9:51

ball are disconnected completely. And

9:55

actually, he's gone to Kali in court. There's

9:57

no idea what's going on. So we have to put it all

9:59

together. fabulous. Lots of good memories.

10:02

I remember in 1881, England

10:05

toured and Ian Botham was fielding for

10:07

a three-day match at Brabaugh Stadium. One

10:10

of my favourites Ian Botham was fielding. They pushed him. Finally,

10:12

he had to come to Squareleg and stand

10:14

near where the children's section is where we

10:16

would sit and watch. So I was disclosed

10:18

to and we were all shouting, Beefy,

10:20

Beefy. He gave us a smile. That

10:23

was great. Then years later, I worked with

10:25

Beefy in the Lamb and Beef show. The

10:28

Lamb and Beef steward was called. That time Beef was

10:30

allowed. So we would do Allen Lamb and Ian Botham.

10:32

I was a moderator. We went to four-five cities and

10:34

they would tell their stories to cricket-loving publics. Great, great

10:37

fun. Superb. Tears in my eyes. Insolm99

10:40

asks, if you were reincarnated

10:42

as a famous landmark, which

10:44

one would you be? Yeah, that's a very

10:46

good question actually because you want to be a landmark where

10:49

nobody comes and hassles you. You know, you

10:51

don't want to be one like a gateway of India.

10:53

So everybody comes and takes pictures of India getting Delhi

10:55

or Bulindarwaza or Red Fort. I

10:57

have to find one which is neglected completely.

10:59

So I'd probably be my mother-in-law, you know, because,

11:02

you know, not too many visitors. Otherwise,

11:04

what do you want to be that landmark there for

11:06

three years? Oh, Taj Mahal. Not only Indians, foreigners on

11:08

top of that and people who, you know, believe that

11:11

they've come there and done a pilgrimage to love, then

11:13

their marriage breaks up in four years. What a waste

11:15

of time and energy. So I don't want that. I

11:17

want to be a landmark which nobody knows about.

11:20

It's a bit like my career. Ravindra

11:22

asks, why haven't you made a tattoo or

11:24

pierced still? Very good question to ask

11:27

someone like me personally speaking since this is very

11:29

egotistical questions for me to answer because

11:31

it's all about how I disregard all this crap.

11:33

I've never worn anything. I actually want to

11:35

wear nothing. I'm a complete nudist. I'm all

11:38

for it. I hate wearing clothes. I hate

11:40

wearing shoes. I've never worn a bracelet. I

11:42

never want to watch. I never want to

11:44

ring except when we're working in a film

11:46

or TV show or something. They force you

11:48

to do it. Never want anything. I just

11:50

feel that when you wear that you're like

11:52

restrained. So I'd like to feel free. So

11:54

in a sense, I'm like a sarcastic, richer

11:56

person who doesn't want clothes and walks past

11:58

poor people who don't have clothes. have clothes.

12:01

It's like that. But I think that's part of

12:03

the personality that feeling free all the time. I

12:05

wish we had lived in a society where you could walk around

12:07

naked. Some communities can by the way. In the wild case for

12:10

also. I've seen them but I'm not taking names. And

12:12

also I'm not joining them because you can't order on Zomato. Very

12:15

limited food. Saffran Sol

12:17

asks, would you ever take a

12:19

bullet for Kunal? I won't take

12:21

a bullet for Kunal because his fat is more than

12:23

mine. So the bullet will have a better

12:25

chance of not hurting him than me. But I

12:27

have stood up for Kunal a couple of times because at

12:29

the end of the day, very similar to that good fella

12:31

scene. Where Joe Petchi, where

12:34

he gets angry with the guy says, you think I'm a

12:36

choker? You think I'm a clown? That scene. So

12:38

I remember once, I was making fun

12:40

of Kunal with the boys in the gym. In the

12:43

bar in the gym. And we were all having

12:45

fun pulling his leg. Some strange guy joined in. He

12:48

was always just taking shots. I was like, who the fuck are

12:50

you? You don't know him. You can't say all that. We

12:53

are in like a tight circle where we can abuse Kunal.

12:56

You have to cross the line and enter the circle. You can't just

12:58

do it from out. So then I have

13:00

stood up for him a couple of times. By the way,

13:02

all the physical fights we've got into, only

13:04

I fought. I'm not saying we won anything.

13:07

This is my

13:10

sex life. I've

13:12

even got a, what do you

13:14

call it, assistant. Bengali

13:17

assistant. All

13:21

good. Yeah. So all the fights we got into,

13:23

got into a few, especially in the 90s, all

13:26

me alone. Kunal part of the fight, but

13:28

just not into the raising of his hand.

13:30

Just his voice. So sad,

13:32

sad situation. But yes, no bullet. Maybe

13:35

a slap. Have you ever

13:37

guys got into a physical fight or something? How

13:39

many? Are you nuts? You

13:41

think I'm not with my percentage. What is the

13:43

chances that one year will pass without fighting? Four

13:46

months ago, I had to fight with a guy who

13:48

came up the one way when I lost it. Gandhi

13:50

Jayanti. I remember my daughter saying after

13:53

the incident that, but today's Gandhi Jayanti, what are

13:55

like irony? You know, the driving back,

13:57

the guy comes up the one way. Of course, it got up.

14:00

of Hana told this story and

14:02

I asked him the usual question.

14:04

Funny! You know, just with more

14:07

the tonality, that guy's answer

14:09

is, Tokeya! That just

14:11

made me go like, you know, you

14:14

mother effer cookie waka bu poo! And

14:16

I got out and then of course the body

14:18

language changes completely. He decided to fight also. So

14:21

instead of like backing over that one, he caught off the bike. Now once

14:23

you reach that point, what do you do? You can't say this, actually I'm

14:25

fighting, I'm good. So then in quite a

14:27

long story short, we did little grappling and his weak

14:29

came off. Now when his

14:31

weak came off, people started laughing, the bystanders. They started laughing

14:34

and I thought he was down, he was down on the

14:36

floor. I left him, I got in the car, very slowly

14:38

put my belt in the hole and he took the helmet

14:40

and banged the back of my brand new one week old

14:42

Kia. It's when I would deal

14:44

with my wife, my mother, everybody else and all these thoughts are going

14:46

through my head. So then of course the crowd came and

14:48

the police came and we had to go to the station. The

14:52

worst part of the story is he told

14:54

me, I'm not a fan of him, I'm a

14:56

fan of him. I'm a fan

14:58

of you. Yeah, after, he slowly

15:01

dawned on him that he'd seen me somewhere. And

15:04

my daughter, she was so embarrassed by everything, by all

15:07

that and then she kept telling me, today's Gandhi

15:09

Jayanti, nobody have done. So

15:11

physical fight, but Kunal never gets into the fight. We've

15:13

had bar fights, we've had fights on the road, we've

15:15

had fights on driving all the time.

15:17

Driving, I have a lot of fights while driving, I'll

15:19

lose it. But Kunal never helps. He

15:22

helps by talking. I told the

15:24

famous story of Sharmneh Vasna, Sindhi Society in

15:26

Bishkandi, where he took out all four car

15:28

tyres, Kair. Baman was our photographer and we

15:31

were shooting a four-theatre for a play. I

15:33

came out, I parked in the dustbin on

15:36

a Sunday morning. Inside the dustbin

15:38

area, who would bother with that? And

15:40

a small Maruti, 800. And

15:42

I came out and all four tyres, they had taken out. So

15:44

my Parsi father would have gone mad. So

15:47

I went out to the watchman, the

15:49

watchman said, I said, what have you been

15:51

doing? You're the only person standing here. From

15:53

Aamto's Sindhi Society shouting, They're very happy. And

15:57

the perpetrator, the murderer, who was parked in the dustbin.

16:00

So in that, Kunal decided to take the lead

16:02

in the conversation. He first started speaking to these

16:04

two guys from UP. Who were

16:06

fighting with me. Now we got into a physical

16:08

fight. He's at the bat going, Apno kah sa

16:10

yah yah, kau bel sa yah, mau pus zah

16:13

UP. You don't belong here. Then his

16:15

Hindi fails him. So he went into Marathi. Me ka

16:17

hai bhol toh sa chapim hoo. And all that. He

16:19

does all that for two minutes. Marathi

16:21

fails him. He goes into English. And I can't

16:23

tell you, they were winning the fight now because

16:25

their blood was rushing more than this class issues.

16:27

They were going on in the background. Three of

16:29

them are strangling me. I'm on the floor. And

16:32

he's in the background in English. You

16:34

contribute nothing to India's economy. What kind of conversation

16:36

are you having? All

16:39

your issues with class and community. Oh

16:41

God! But he didn't lift a finger.

16:43

Paman 642 didn't lift a finger. Because

16:46

he's paying rent there. And the Russians will throw him out of

16:48

the consulate or something where the building was. And

16:50

so he's standing there 642. This big

16:52

fat guy is standing behind giving talks in the

16:54

Queen's English. And only Cyrus Brochha struggling with three

16:56

people on the floor alone. And

16:59

as usual the fans upstairs, I could hear

17:01

all that. What a

17:04

life we live. Life is a circus. Life

17:07

is a circus. No, I'm telling you it's

17:09

unfair. Kunal is a very

17:11

good partner in most cases but not in your

17:13

fight. He's of no use. Yeah, that's

17:15

it for us. Oh, that's it. As usual

17:17

we answer nobody's questions. Just get our own thing.

17:20

Hello, everybody go out there, find a biker, going through a one way

17:22

and take eggs. Okay, catch

17:24

us on any of the podcasting apps. Please,

17:27

we beg you, we need you. Send us

17:29

your questions on Twitter, on Cyrus says in.

17:31

Or you can email us, even if you're

17:33

not female, on whatcyrus says at gmail.com.