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going to St. Vincent, I

3:02

understand my father-in-law now. That's

3:05

all it took was a trip to St. Vincent? Yes. But

3:08

I'm still trying to learn the man to this day. So

3:10

the trip helped me too. Deadass.

3:14

Hey, I'm Khadim. And I'm Dval. And

3:17

we're the Ellises. You

3:19

may know us from posting funny videos with our boys.

3:22

And reading each other publicly as a

3:24

form of therapy. Wait, I

3:26

make you need therapy? Yes.

3:29

Wow. Oh, and one more important thing to mention.

3:31

We're married. Yes, sir. We are.

3:33

We created this podcast to open dialogue

3:35

about some of Live's most taboo topics.

3:37

Things most folks don't want to

3:39

talk about. Through the lens of a millennial

3:41

married couple. Deadass is a term that we

3:43

say every day. So when we say Deadass,

3:45

we're actually saying facts. 100.

3:48

The truth, the whole truth and nothing

3:50

but the truth. We about to take

3:52

pillow talk to a whole new level. Deadass

3:56

starts right now. Story

4:00

time. So this story time is gonna take us

4:02

back about three weeks.

4:05

It was about three weeks. My tan's still popping, so yeah, about

4:07

three weeks. It was about three weeks. This

4:09

was my first time ever going to St.

4:12

Vincent and the Grenadines. And

4:15

we went with another couple of hours,

4:18

Tiffany and Dane. They actually gifted us

4:20

the trip to go see St.

4:22

Vincent, because you and Tiffany went like 12 years

4:24

ago. 12 years ago, she and I went together, yeah. A

4:26

gift for my 40th birthday, so shout out to

4:29

Tiffany and Dane for that. But

4:32

we went to St. Vincent, and

4:34

I have to say this is probably

4:36

one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen in

4:38

my life. It's one of those

4:41

islands that hasn't been disrupted

4:43

by tourism yet. The

4:47

hotel we went to was the first international

4:49

hotel that they have in St. Vincent. They

4:52

had hotels in the past, but it wasn't as big as this.

4:54

Yeah, smaller scale, yeah. This is the first

4:56

all-inclusive huge hotel that they have, so

5:00

we went there. There's no Children Allowed.

5:02

It's another reason why we haven't gone,

5:04

because if we can't take the kids, then

5:06

we not going. But the best

5:08

part for me was going to Richland Park, going

5:12

to see where your dad grew up, seeing

5:14

this little town in the mountains, but

5:17

then watching the people. And

5:19

this is when I started to understand your pops. We

5:22

were there, and I seen a dude

5:25

walking through the street with

5:27

no shoes on and

5:29

no shirt, with just

5:32

jeans. And I said,

5:34

that's my father-in-law right there. Because

5:37

I never understood why the man can be in

5:41

freaking Flatbush, in Canarsie, here in Georgia,

5:43

and he just outside in front of

5:45

the house with no shoes on and

5:47

no shirt. He answers the door. I

5:49

remember Tiff tells a funny story, Tiff

5:51

the Bar, but this is the very

5:54

first time she came to do a

5:56

house call. Story on story time. And

5:58

Tiff rang the doorbell, your pops answers

6:00

the doorbell. And he answered the door

6:03

with just jeans on no shirt. And Tiff was kind of

6:05

caught off guard. And that's

6:07

so normal to me, but. And she said

6:09

he was scratching his belly and was just like, hey

6:12

man, can I give you a drink? And

6:15

Tiff was like, no, I'm not gonna really drink on

6:17

job. Especially as you scratch your belly. And then he

6:19

was like, all right. And they came back with a

6:21

drink. Totally. She was like, I

6:24

guess I'm gonna have to drink this drink. And he was

6:26

like, you know, I made some beef stew, you know? And

6:28

she was just like, you know, I don't really

6:30

eat beef. And he said, I don't really bother with that.

6:33

And he went upstairs, made her bowl of beef stew. And

6:36

came down and she was like, I guess I'm just gonna

6:38

have to drink this broth because she didn't want to be

6:40

disrespectful. But in that moment,

6:42

and the reason why I told both those

6:44

stories is because going to Richland Park and

6:46

seeing the people and meeting your cousins who

6:49

drove us around, who also forced us to drink

6:51

and eat, even though we said we were fine,

6:54

I realized that that's just who they

6:56

are. That's how they show they love. That's

6:58

the best effect. Karaoke. Karaoke

7:00

time. You know what's funny? I had a

7:03

karaoke song in mind because when you think

7:05

about St. Vincent, and that's of course, we're

7:07

paying a little homage to St. Vincent right

7:09

now. I think instantly of one of probably

7:11

the most popular songs in

7:14

the Soka scene for years. So it's like when you

7:16

go to weddings and they play that like one reggae

7:18

song, it's gonna be like Sean Paul.

7:20

And then they're gonna play like the one

7:23

Soka song. And it's Kevin Little's song, Turn

7:25

Me On. Turn me on, turn

7:27

me on. I

7:29

also thought about it now. We have some more recent

7:31

artists who are, you

7:33

know, putting St. Vincent on the map. And

7:37

one is Skinny Fabulous. He also sings a song

7:39

with Bungee Garland and Masha Montana, but it's Fama-Lay.

7:41

Everybody knows Fama-Lay, Lay-Lay, Lay-Lay, Lay-Lay,

7:44

Lay-Lay. So which one do you wanna

7:46

sing? I mean, you

7:48

could sing whichever one is, you know, listen, this is about,

7:50

you know, St. Vincent. I know you've been sent sent, so

7:53

you could sing Fama-FAT terrible. We're gonna keep,

7:55

you said FAT terrible. It's

7:57

the opposite of Skinny Fabulous. Good

8:00

vibes about. But skipping little

8:02

song goes like this. I guess we'll do him cause he's

8:04

like the staple. Let me hold

8:07

you girl, come on everybody. Oh,

8:09

you singing that part. You got me going crazy.

8:12

Turn me on, turn me on,

8:14

let me join you. That's high school for

8:16

me. Man, let me tell you. Prom time,

8:18

prom time. Yeah, you're right. You're

8:21

right, it was like that. That's an old

8:23

song. I still love that song. Hug me, hold

8:26

me, kiss me, squeeze me, touch me, touch

8:28

me, kiss me, hug me, hug me, hug me,

8:30

that's a really good song. And I remember

8:32

my family being so proud because

8:35

they were like anytime the song came on cause it

8:37

was gonna play to every function. It's a really good

8:39

song. They're like, you know, you know you from St.

8:42

Vincent? You know you from St. Vincent? You know you

8:44

from St. Vincent? I'm like, yes, I know that he's

8:46

from St. Vincent. I know, I know, not St. Vincent,

8:48

St. Vincent. St. Vincent. All right,

8:50

let's go take a quick break and then we'll get

8:52

back into story time and we're gonna dive into learning

8:54

more about your in-laws and

8:57

how that makes you look at your spouse with

9:00

either great understanding or even

9:03

more sideways. We'll

9:06

be back. This

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show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Y'all,

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right, we're back. So I'm gonna

14:22

explain to y'all why this

14:24

podcast was inherently important

14:27

for me. Yeah, you were kinda

14:29

on this topic today. This is something I was like, and

14:31

mainly because going to St.

14:34

Vincent really opened up my eyes. This

14:36

goes back to another podcast where we

14:39

talked about perception versus reality, right? Going

14:41

to travel and see the world and

14:43

seeing people truly teaches you

14:45

how to understand and empathize with people. I

14:48

think it was two years ago, your

14:50

father crashed the Cadillac into

14:52

the BMW in the driveway. And when

14:54

I asked him how it happened, he

14:57

said, my foot slipped, I have no

14:59

shoes on. And I was like,

15:01

why would you go move the cars with no shoes

15:03

on? Like why? Like the first thing you do is

15:05

put your shoes on and go outside. But then when

15:07

you go to St. Vincent and you see people walking

15:09

in the streets, up

15:11

in the mountains with no shoes on, it's like, this

15:14

is their culture. Like to just jump outside real

15:16

quick to go run and do something is normal.

15:18

So whereas you look at someone and think

15:21

that they're slow

15:24

or an invalid or just not being responsible,

15:26

you start to realize that there's different cultures

15:28

and the way that they do things is

15:30

because that's the way they've been brought up

15:32

for years. And not for nothing,

15:34

I never thought that your pops was slow. But when I

15:36

mean slow, I just meant like, he's 70 plus years old.

15:39

There's comes a point at a time where you just

15:41

like, man, I don't give a fuck about these niggas

15:43

anymore. I'm gonna go do this because I gotta go

15:45

move this car. Shoes for what? Yeah, like I'm slower

15:47

now. I'm not gonna take time to go put my

15:49

shoe on. Let me just go outside and just do

15:51

it. And I thought that's what it was. I thought

15:54

he was being irresponsible. And since he was slower, he just was

15:56

like, I'm just gonna go run and do it quick. But

15:58

now I understand. Also,

16:01

I'm starting to understand why your father is

16:03

the way he is with people. Right?

16:06

Ever since I've known you, there would

16:08

be random people coming to your house,

16:10

sitting down and your father would prepare

16:13

food for them, prepare a meal. Your

16:16

mom often complains about how your dad is

16:18

just terrible with business because anytime someone's coming

16:20

to fix the house or do something,

16:23

he got to give them a drink. Yeah, give them a

16:25

drink, something to eat, make them feel good. Yep. These

16:27

are horrible business practices, but you become so

16:29

Americanized and become such a capitalist country that

16:32

you forget that these are also people that

16:34

you're working with. Right. And

16:36

one thing I learned about St. Vincent is that they are

16:39

really just good people. Yeah. Like they

16:41

want to take care of people. Human interaction is

16:43

very, very important to them. And as you

16:45

can see, just by being there, there's not

16:47

much to do on the island, right? So

16:49

there's not much that they're entertained by. So

16:51

the entertainment that they have and see is

16:54

through interaction with people. Yeah. And

16:56

so my cousin that we called and my dad let

16:58

her know that we were in town, we're inclined

17:00

to sometimes just be like, Oh, well, you know, I'm on vacation.

17:02

Like I'm not trying to go see family and friends. I just

17:04

want to decompress and just get some time away. But

17:07

my family's the total opposite. Like my cousin was

17:09

on me like every day, like, Hey, I'll come

17:11

pick you up and we'll take you guys and

17:13

you can have a home, home cooked meal. And

17:15

that's what you really want to experience. And us

17:17

too, kind of being the people who travel that do

17:19

want a mix of resort and

17:21

relaxation, but also putting ourselves immersed

17:24

into the culture. It was

17:26

necessary for me, I think for your first time, especially going

17:28

back to St. Vincent to really like go

17:30

to see where my family is from, take

17:32

a look at the family lands. Like that

17:34

was important for me to for you to

17:36

be exposed to that. But like you said,

17:38

it gives a greater appreciation for how they

17:40

interact with people in a society now that

17:42

has been come so non-social. You

17:45

know, everything is through a device or everything

17:47

is through a text message where we

17:50

forget how important that those human interactions

17:52

are. And we also forget how people

17:54

display how they care and

17:56

how they love, you know, that's one thing from

17:58

my dad's side of family that I do. I

18:00

definitely got a lot of, and it's just caring

18:03

for people through simple things. Like saying,

18:05

man, I cooked your favorite meal. That's a love language.

18:07

That's important, like your pops is big on that.

18:09

Or, you know, I know that you love my rum punch,

18:11

so here's a bottle to take for the road, or I'm

18:13

going somewhere and I take something with me. So

18:17

it was nice to be there because it almost

18:19

forces me to get back to the basics, and

18:22

to the root of like where I'm from, what

18:24

really matters, you know, it was

18:26

a good time. I wanna also say this too, it

18:30

taught me about you and your dynamic in your

18:32

household growing up, but I've also

18:34

watched you learn about your father.

18:36

And I think that this is important too,

18:38

because in our house

18:40

here, I'm very similar to your dad in that,

18:43

I'll pick up a random, bring him by, take

18:46

care of him. You know what I'm saying? You be

18:48

like, yeah, this is Arm's house. Somebody's always staying here

18:50

that you don't know. And sometimes

18:52

I used to be like, dang, like we have a

18:54

lot. Why do you always get so annoyed when

18:57

I bring someone home? But then I had to

18:59

realize like your whole life has been your dad

19:01

bringing people home. And you know, when

19:03

we grew up, we both grew up in houses that

19:05

were much smaller. It's hard as a

19:08

young lady that you don't have your space. Because

19:10

when you come downstairs after coming out of your

19:12

room, there's a table full of men here

19:14

that you don't know. You know what

19:17

I'm saying? So for me, understanding why

19:19

at times you really just wanna have

19:21

your space, it's me understanding how

19:23

you got to this point, understanding your

19:25

nuclear family dynamic, with an understanding your

19:27

dad, wondering, Pops, why were you always

19:29

bringing home random dudes? And then understanding

19:31

that that's his way of showing love to

19:34

people. So it's like, it taught me,

19:36

it was like a full circle moment.

19:38

But I also watched you when we went

19:40

back and it was almost like,

19:42

wow, this is where my dad grew up.

19:45

And people are still doing the same things

19:47

now. Then when you were here

19:49

12 years ago, and it looks almost exactly the same.

19:51

Oh my gosh, we ran into one of my dad's best friends that

19:53

he went to school with, like- What's his name? Knox.

19:57

What was it, Knox? Well, he calls him Knox, but it's Knox.

19:59

Oh, it's Knox? Okay, okay. I heard you

20:01

screaming. First of all, she come, we

20:03

pull up to this place and he was

20:05

like, you know, Nux used to live here. Nux, Nux!

20:07

And over here, Yaman! Then Nux

20:10

come outside and I'm like, the

20:12

same guy is still here. He's like 70 something years old. He's

20:15

still there. In a tow truck that looked like it was

20:17

out of the Cars movie. What's his name? Mater. It looked

20:20

like it did look like Mater. It had teeth and everything.

20:22

He was talking to the

20:24

truck, was talking to. Like, Yaman, Yaman. Oh my gosh.

20:26

And I saw Nux. And Nux was like, Oh my

20:28

God, Kitty. Yes. The last time you were here. And

20:30

he remembered I was there like 12 years ago. I

20:33

had gone back and I was with my uncle Moses

20:35

and he just saw me and gave me

20:37

a big hug. He's like, man, Marie and I, my

20:39

dad, you know, grew up and went to school together.

20:41

And it was just really nice to see that. But

20:43

it also, man, to

20:46

see how far my parents have come. Like

20:49

you saw how

20:52

underdeveloped that area was, but

20:54

everyone is just happy. They have

20:57

what they need. You know, my

20:59

dad is the simplest of

21:02

simple as they come. You know, what's

21:04

funny. Remember when I used to

21:06

ask like, Caitlin, that's your question, right? The

21:10

lawn in the front. It's not even much of

21:12

a lawn. Your yard is maybe 10 foot

21:15

by 20 foot, but your

21:17

father's gardening in the front. Yep. And I remember your mother

21:19

being just like, we're not back in the islands. You want

21:21

to plant in the front of the house in the

21:23

front house. But then when we went to Richland

21:25

park, it was people's planting in the front of

21:28

their house. They were growing crops everywhere. That's

21:31

what they did. So my family land

21:34

all the way up in Richland park

21:36

area, going up into Montreal area, that's

21:38

all of my family land. And they

21:40

are literally farming actively and

21:43

growing crops that are in season and

21:45

supplying them to local hotel. My dad

21:47

even more why he wants to grow

21:49

crops or why he's just like, yo,

21:51

I have everything that I need. All

21:53

the extra stuff is not

21:55

really necessary. My happiness is in my

21:58

family and my friends and interacting. show

22:00

them my love that way. It was just great to

22:02

see where my dad started. And

22:06

to be honest, we could go until we

22:08

learned a lot about your mom's history. Your

22:11

grandmother, well, our grandmother, she's my grandmother

22:13

too now, recently passed. And

22:15

if I was thinking I would have wore the shirt because I wore her shirt

22:17

for Mother's Day. Oh yeah. On her church.

22:19

But you learned a lot about my

22:22

family. My grandparents'

22:24

50th anniversary. Yes, went down to

22:26

Tennessee. We drove down to Tennessee and

22:28

you actually stayed in the house when my

22:31

grandparents raised us. Yes. In Morissown,

22:33

Tennessee. The infamous white carpet in the kitchen. Yes.

22:36

I don't know. I said, man, your grandmother was

22:38

a different kind of person. A white carpet. You

22:40

see what our kitchen floor looks like on a

22:42

day-to-day basis? But now you understand, all right? For

22:45

her to keep that carpet clean. And then

22:47

my dad is so anal. You see my dad. Yes, true.

22:49

Every night, the dishes have to be washed.

22:51

The pots have to be cleaned. Everything has to

22:54

be swept. Now you understand why my father is

22:56

the way I am. Well, I walk in the

22:58

house sometimes and I'm like, kid, the house looks

23:00

a mess. Right, exactly. Because you learned about my

23:02

culture and my history. So I was like, oh,

23:05

Dval is just not being crazy. This

23:07

is the way he was brought up. Man, that one

23:09

time, I never forget

23:11

that one time. You know we always have a story, right? That

23:14

one time that your father called us, we

23:16

were on our way back to Hofstra. This

23:18

is Dvalin Iron College at this time. And

23:20

we came into Brooklyn to hang

23:22

with the family. We did that fairly often.

23:27

And it was getting towards the end of the night. We were getting

23:29

ready to head back. We were getting ready to go bowling.

23:31

Yes, we were going bowling in Long Island. We were going bowling

23:33

in Long Island. Yep. And we

23:36

were maybe what, halfway to the bowling alley?

23:40

And his dad calling him. He was just like, y'all

23:42

gotta come back and wash these dishes. Y'all leaving dishes in the sink.

23:44

Wash all these dishes. We got y'all leaving dishes

23:46

in the sink. So Dval was just like, we did not leave any

23:48

dishes in the sink. What do you mean? He's just like, these

23:51

dishes in the sink. Somebody gotta come over here and wash these dishes.

23:54

So I'm looking around because I'm like, I don't think we left

23:56

any. I don't think we were looking at Brian. We were looking

23:59

around and we were wondering. who left dishes in the sink?

24:01

Then he sent a picture of the dishes in the sink. What was

24:03

it? A spoon. A spoon.

24:06

One spoon. He called one spoon

24:08

all these dishes in the sink.

24:10

It was me, you, Brian, Vanise, Kevin, Gavin.

24:13

We were all dead, we were all going.

24:15

And I think one of them was eating

24:17

something and they just dropped it in the

24:19

sink when we were leaving. Cause

24:21

we don't leave dishes in the sink. Right. But

24:23

my man called and said all these dishes and was

24:26

like, somebody go come back and watch these dishes. And

24:29

Brian called him and was just like, dad, when I come

24:31

home, I wash the dish. The spoon. You

24:34

know that nigga left the dish in the sink? He left

24:36

the spoon. He petty, my father's super petty, bro. He

24:38

wild petty. That's where you get it from. Now we know.

24:42

Now we know. I mean,

24:44

that's a great story. That was a good story. Cause I'm like,

24:46

man, but you're right. It does. Like we've

24:48

learned so many of our habits from our parents

24:50

or we've seen our parents habits

24:53

and then we decide we're going to do the complete opposite

24:55

of that. But set these

24:57

facts and stats out, right? According to a 2021 IPSOS poll,

25:03

70% of Americans believe it's important to know their family's

25:05

history. You heard that? The

25:07

poll also found that older generations are more likely

25:09

to think that's important. But

25:11

only 53% of Americans or 53% of Americans can't

25:15

even name all four of their grandparents. 34%

25:19

of Americans don't know about family members further

25:21

back on their family tree than grandparents. I

25:24

honestly believe that that is a correlation to the

25:26

divorce rate. To

25:28

the divorce rate? This is why. That's interesting. If

25:30

you can't understand who you are and

25:33

don't understand who your spouse is, how

25:35

are we going to learn how to communicate? Oh,

25:37

you're meaning like the lack of knowing

25:39

this history contributes to the divorce rate.

25:41

Because think about it, therapy is about

25:44

understanding triggers, right? The

25:46

only way you learn about triggers is

25:48

from childhood traumas and understanding your history.

25:50

The more history you know, the

25:52

more you know yourself, the more of

25:55

your spouse's history you know, the more you

25:57

know about them. It allows you to empathize.

26:00

I don't know, then what do you say? This

26:02

person just crazy, I don't know what it is.

26:04

And you don't know what's triggering you because you

26:06

don't even know your history. I can

26:08

see that. You see what I'm saying? It's funny because

26:10

so we're fortunate within our families, so

26:13

your family and mine,

26:15

yours specifically that your

26:17

grandmother is still alive

26:19

and well. The children, like having

26:21

my grandma, Brian has Nanny, has

26:24

those family members. But

26:26

I just think about it because seeing

26:28

how Nanny conducts herself, I can completely

26:30

see how your mom has

26:33

become the result of Nanny. And then

26:35

I see how you, having been parented

26:37

by your mom, has the

26:40

issues that you've had with

26:43

the way you want us to

26:45

interact and how you conduct yourself as

26:47

a man. And it's crazy to see,

26:50

yeah. But I give a

26:52

greater understanding. I have a greater understanding for

26:54

you because I do know your grandmother and

26:56

your mother. I learned, I don't

27:00

think we've discussed this before, but I'll put it out

27:02

there. I learned how

27:04

to empathize with you when I learned how

27:06

to give myself grace for the

27:08

issues I have or

27:10

I've had with women. Because

27:13

growing up in my house, and I'll take it from

27:15

my parents and then go backwards. Growing

27:17

up in my house, my mom

27:19

and my dad's relationship was always,

27:23

typical black American middle-class

27:25

relationship. We don't argue in front of

27:27

the kids. We don't do

27:29

anything extra intimate

27:31

in front of the kids. We keep it very

27:33

clean. This is my partner. That's my wife. You

27:35

know what I'm saying? It's all about the show

27:37

and be presentable because we grew up in a

27:39

Baptist church and everything in the Baptist church is

27:42

about the show and everything has to be trim

27:44

and tailored and perfect. So

27:46

I never really saw my parents be a

27:48

couple. I only

27:50

saw them interact, right? My

27:53

dad spoiled my mom.

27:55

Before my father ever had a car, he bought

27:57

my father. He bought my mom a Corsica first.

28:00

she wrecked it, a Honda Accord, she

28:02

wrecked it, and an

28:04

Acura Legend, right? I wrecked that, right?

28:08

And my father didn't have a car in

28:10

all of this. Oh my gosh, wreckage everywhere.

28:12

She bought my mom minks, jewelry, all this

28:14

other stuff. My mom, Christmas come around, pack

28:16

an underwear, a book. You

28:19

know, she would make little slide comments, like my father

28:21

would ask for something, and she'd be like, your feet

28:23

work Troy, no your hands

28:25

work Troy, and she never like doted on my

28:28

dad. So I just felt like

28:30

that dynamic was unfair because my father was a

28:32

provider and a protector and was always held

28:35

to that standard of you have to be a man, but then when

28:37

it came to my mom, my mom didn't do the things that I

28:39

ever saw that a woman was

28:41

supposed to do, right? My dad also cooked and cleaned. My

28:44

mom wasn't, she wasn't down to say it's cleaning. Me and

28:46

my brother were responsible for doing the laundry. When it came

28:48

to cooking, my dad cooked two or three times out of

28:50

the week. My mom cooked sometimes, and my

28:52

mom was always like, I'm tired, I'm tired. My father

28:54

never said he was too tired to do anything. Then

28:57

I learned about my mom's upbringing, and

29:01

I learned that my grandfather wasn't

29:03

the best person to my grandfather.

29:05

My grandfather wasn't the best person

29:07

to my grandmother, and

29:10

it caused my grandmother to have to

29:12

ultimately leave him and raise

29:14

her kids on her own

29:16

for reasons that I don't want to discuss,

29:18

because that's just not public consumption. But

29:21

she also taught my mom to take care of

29:23

herself and to always be what she needed to

29:25

be for herself because you never know when

29:28

you're gonna have to pick your kids up and go. When

29:30

you understand that dynamic, then you no

29:33

longer judge and blame your mom for

29:35

who she was or who she is,

29:38

and you understand. And then you understand,

29:40

I understand because I know my father's

29:43

upbringing, and my grandfather was

29:45

a military man, and he was very much about

29:47

structure, and I'm gonna take care of my wife,

29:50

and he's the one that told me if I

29:52

have $10, my wife and my family

29:54

gets nine. And then I just keep

29:56

one for myself, but they get everything first. So

29:58

it's like my dad was raised. to be this

30:01

doting husband who loves on his

30:03

wife. So it was like, I watched

30:06

that and it didn't seem like it was being reciprocated,

30:08

but my father also had empathy for my mom because

30:10

he knew what my mom had been through. How she

30:12

grew, yeah. And that's their relationship and who am I

30:14

to judge their relationship? Because my question

30:16

would be, I would be inclined to think, okay,

30:18

well, even if I was raised this way, my

30:21

husband is now proving to be otherwise. So

30:23

then how do you then, is

30:25

it a battle that maybe she's dealing

30:27

with to try to just say, you know what,

30:29

I can now pour back into my husband because

30:31

he's not the example of what my father was.

30:34

You know? I think it's just having discernment.

30:36

Yeah, it's having discernment and also saying, you know

30:39

what, I'm not going to be the product of

30:41

my environment. I'm not going to allow that to

30:43

infiltrate its way into my current relationship, especially if

30:45

my current relationship doesn't mirror that. But here's the

30:48

crazy part. You know why we can discuss that?

30:50

Because we talk about therapy. We talk about

30:53

communication. That generation never did that. They never

30:55

did. You're right. And that generation growing

30:57

up through the sixties and the seventies, it was you keep

30:59

your mouth shut and you just keep on trucking. Yeah. You

31:02

know, you put stuff under the rug and

31:04

everything's perfectly fine. And you smile and grin

31:06

and bear and you get through it. That's

31:08

why I've learned how to have empathy for

31:10

so many people, because I've learned to have

31:12

empathy for my parents. You know

31:14

what I'm saying? My parents did the

31:16

best they could and created three amazing

31:18

human beings, myself, my brother and my

31:20

sister. And they created a lifestyle for themselves

31:23

and us that we can all be proud of. So

31:27

in learning about my parents and then learning

31:29

about your parents and their dynamics

31:31

and in their family histories, it

31:33

was like, wow, the same way I'm able to

31:35

break down my family, I should break

31:38

down your family to see this is how you

31:40

are. Absolutely. And it was just like doing therapy

31:42

because it's like, there's a reason why my wife

31:44

is like this. There's a reason

31:46

why her mom is like this. There's a reason why

31:48

her dad. Now that I know

31:51

the reason why. Yeah. It's like we cracked

31:53

the code. Yes. I

31:55

really honestly feel like we cracked the code and

31:57

I first started dating, right? Think of us

31:59

in our. 18 to 25, 18 to

32:01

even 28 range, right? We

32:05

would be around our parents collectively, at

32:08

that point too, still learning each other's

32:10

parents, family dynamics and things like that.

32:13

And the one overarching topic that Duval

32:15

and I had whenever we would leave

32:19

said situations with our families

32:21

was, man, I don't want us to

32:23

end up like that. Man,

32:25

I don't want us to end up like that.

32:27

And at that point for us, it was very

32:29

surface level because it was just, you see certain

32:31

things, you've existed in this space for however many

32:33

years growing up and you just think this is

32:35

the norm. This is just how things are. I'm

32:38

glad you said that. I'm gonna get back to that.

32:40

Remember that point, but finish, finish. Yeah, so you'd think this

32:42

is the norm. This is how families exist. This is

32:44

how your family exists. And that's just what

32:46

it is. But now

32:48

fast forward, 28 to 38, Duval and Khadine, we're

32:52

like, oh, now we're

32:54

backtracking, now we're dissecting. And

32:57

in us having candid conversations about how we

32:59

feel about each other and the isms,

33:01

as I like to call it, that we

33:03

have within just us as individuals and how

33:05

we present in the relationship, you

33:08

do have a little bit more empathy and

33:10

grace, but you also say, wow, I see

33:12

that Khadine has this personality

33:14

trait or characteristic from her mom.

33:17

And I can't hold it against her because

33:19

her mom had to exist in

33:21

a space where she needed to be like

33:23

that. Exactly, absolutely. But it was on

33:25

me now, once you present that to me, not to

33:28

get defensive and say, oh, well, I'm

33:30

just acting like my mom and I don't want

33:32

to be like her in that instance. It's me

33:34

saying, oh, shoot, I never acknowledged or even realized

33:37

that that's an attribute I got that

33:39

wasn't necessarily my cross to bear, but

33:42

I can now alter the way I exist in my

33:44

relationship and not be like that. I'll give you an example.

33:47

Your mom is very closed off, right?

33:50

Your mom is super closed off, she gets

33:52

defensive quickly. Yep, doesn't want

33:54

to be wrong. Doesn't want to

33:57

be wrong and is sometimes not even willing

33:59

to admit. at fault. And

34:02

I was like, why your mother like that? Like she's accomplished so

34:04

much, like why does she? And then she

34:06

told me the stories. Your

34:09

mother moved here at what, 17? About 17.

34:12

17, she moves here with a family

34:14

friend. She's working at Burger

34:16

King. She gets off of

34:18

work late. The family friend

34:20

think that she's out gallivanting. So when she

34:22

gets home at night at 11 30, they

34:25

lock the door. And she

34:28

has to sleep on the floor in Starrett City

34:30

in the apartment complex because they thought that

34:32

they were teaching her a lesson when she

34:34

was out working. So

34:36

I'm like, damn, that's

34:38

harsh. Like a 17 year old girl

34:41

from a small country comes to America. She's trying to do everything

34:43

the right way. And then she's locked out of the house and

34:45

has to sleep on the floor in the hallway. Of

34:48

course at that point, she's gonna become very closed

34:50

off and defensive. Of course she's gonna try to

34:52

not ruffle any feathers and doesn't want to admit

34:54

fault because she doesn't want to get kicked out.

34:57

That becomes her existence. That

34:59

becomes her reality from 17 all the way

35:01

up and through being grown because your mom

35:03

has never gone to therapy and

35:06

she's never discussed these issues and how these issues can

35:08

raise their ugly head. But then she also taught you

35:11

guys to be the same way. The same way. You,

35:13

Sakari, Tristan, the same exact way. And

35:15

if I didn't hear those stories, I

35:18

wouldn't understand why you are this way. So that

35:20

when we get into disagreements or we have arguments

35:23

and you become defensive, the first thing I would

35:25

do is then become combative. Then

35:27

when I heard that story about your mom and

35:30

seeing how she raised you to try to train

35:32

you guys not to get into situations like that,

35:35

I understand now, so I'm like, babe, being

35:37

a little defensive, you know what I'm saying? Like, can we,

35:39

you know, and then you'd be like, I'm being defensive, I'm

35:41

like, yeah, I'm not mad. Can we just

35:44

talk about what the issue is and not try to

35:46

defend the right to do what you did? I'm not

35:48

saying what you did, you did on

35:50

purpose to hurt me. I'm saying you

35:52

did it and it hurt me.

35:54

Not you did it to hurt me. And

35:57

if I didn't know your mom's history, I

36:00

definitely would have been like, this woman is selfish

36:03

and crazy. Also, if I didn't deal with my

36:05

own traumas, because I had issues with

36:07

women growing up, because growing up in my house, I

36:09

felt like my dad and my mom, the

36:11

dynamic was unfair to my pops.

36:14

I felt like my mom, you should just receive,

36:16

receive, receive and not offer and not give and

36:19

not give, not knowing her history and how her

36:21

trauma made her closed off. So

36:23

it's like, imagine me with my own traumas and the

36:25

issues I have with women, then I get married and

36:28

I have a woman who's defensive and closed off and doesn't

36:30

want to admit fault. That could have easily been, Yeah.

36:32

Oh, she's like, he's like my mom. Like my

36:34

mom, women just be like this and women.

36:36

And I learned to stop doing that because

36:39

my issues with my mom are

36:41

my issues. That's

36:43

my only mom I've lived with. That doesn't mean every

36:45

mom is like that. And I put what I went

36:47

through on my mom, on every woman, because like you

36:49

said earlier, remember I said we don't come back to

36:51

that. You think that this is the

36:54

normal. So when growing up, I

36:56

thought that every mom act like my mom. Acted

36:58

like that. All women acted like my mom. I'll

37:00

never forget. No, you're right. Absolutely.

37:02

And it's funny because think about the

37:05

time we were in the kitchens together and we

37:07

had just started dating. We were fairly early on

37:09

in dating. Oh, I know you know. And I

37:11

was at the house with you and I think it

37:14

was dinner time and we were getting ready for dinner.

37:16

It was a holiday. Was it the holidays? Because remember

37:18

my aunts were there. Oh, I

37:20

don't remember if they were there or not. But I do remember.

37:22

Yeah, because my aunt Monique was there and aunt Lirlene

37:24

was there and that's my mom. Because my mom typically

37:26

speaks up when there's other women. Yes,

37:29

okay, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. And

37:33

I, on my side of town in my culture, I've

37:35

always seen like my grandmother just before she would eat,

37:37

before the kids would eat, my grandfather's plate would be

37:39

made. And to me, that was my normal. So

37:41

you were ready to eat. We

37:45

were blessed to food, got in line and I

37:47

made your plate first. Made your plate

37:49

first, brought it over to you. Your dad was

37:51

online to get his own food with the rest

37:53

of the other guys. And then your

37:55

mom was just like, you making a plate for Davao? His

37:58

hands ain't broke. Yep, that's my mom. And would

38:00

you remember what she said? Don't start no habits, you don't

38:02

plan on continuing. Don't start no habits now. And you remember what

38:04

I said? I said, yo, that's my girlfriend.

38:06

Don't do that. I was like,

38:08

oh my god, it's gonna be a fight. And

38:11

I was like, not the holidays. And everybody's

38:13

looking around. And I was like, oh my

38:15

god. And I remember internalizing that, thinking, okay,

38:17

did I do something wrong? I

38:19

was like, now, are they gonna look at me like

38:21

I'm some sort of weak girl? Because I'm not, I

38:24

was really just trying to be helpful. So

38:26

I could've taken that and internalized that. And it's

38:28

like, all right, well, shit, his hands work. So

38:31

I ain't gonna start no habits, go make your own

38:33

plate. But that was a discussion that we had, where

38:36

I was like, babe, do you want me to make your plates or not?

38:38

And you were just like, hey, this is

38:41

our relationship. Is that something you wanna do? That's

38:43

the way you show your love? And like,

38:45

don't listen to nobody else. And I was

38:47

just like, okay, because Kadine at that age,

38:49

again, was taught to be concerned and overly

38:51

aware of what everybody else would think. So

38:53

in that moment, I was folding and I

38:56

was like, all right, well, I'm never gonna

38:58

make this plan. I'm gonna play it again.

39:00

And why would you like that? because your

39:02

mom had to be concerned what people would think

39:04

because when people thought the wrong thing, she got

39:06

kicked out and had to sleep in the freaking

39:08

hallway. So she's like straight and narrow. That's where

39:11

I'm gonna stay in. Yep. And

39:13

I'll never forget that. And part of the reason why that

39:15

in particular triggered me was because I remember

39:17

I was about 17, my father was

39:19

in the back painting the stairs. He's

39:21

painting the stairs and we have red stairs coming from the basement

39:23

to the top. And my mother and my

39:25

grandmother were home. And

39:28

when my mom has an audience, like my aunt

39:30

and my grandma, that's when she talks up the

39:32

most. So my grandmother

39:34

was there and my next door neighbor, there, Trinidadian.

39:37

And on Sharon, I call my neighbors

39:39

aunt and uncle because we grew up

39:41

together. On Sharon and say, Karen,

39:43

we have some food over here. You

39:46

want some? So she was like, yeah, we come here. My

39:48

grandmother came and she said,

39:50

you wanna take a play for Troy? And

39:52

I heard my grandmother say, why? Troy's feet

39:55

work. And then

39:57

my mother didn't say anything. but

40:00

my father heard it. My father's painting. He

40:02

looked up, he fixed his

40:04

glasses, he just shook his head and he kept painting. That

40:07

always bothered me. So I was

40:09

like, damn, I know that hurt my pops because here he is

40:11

working and they're going to get fooled for

40:13

themselves and they won't get it. And my mother won't

40:15

say nothing. My grandmother's the one who

40:17

led the charge of saying his feet work. And I

40:20

was just like, I was like, yo, that's fucked up.

40:22

And I really said to him, I said, women are

40:24

fucked up. That's what I said. Oh Lord, now we got women. I'm

40:27

just being honest. How old were you when that happened?

40:29

I was about 16, 17. Okay. Because

40:32

I was just like, dang, my grandmother's going to tell

40:34

my mom not to make my dad's plate, but

40:37

then they always ask my pops to do

40:39

stuff. And my father's always being

40:41

available. Like my father, I've

40:43

never watched my mother ever take the garbage out, ever.

40:47

My father will do that or me and

40:49

my brother have to do that. When the

40:52

cars got to get fixed, my father's doing that.

40:54

Like there's certain things that my father just

40:56

will always do because his father told

40:59

him the same way he told me that is your

41:01

job as a man. I don't give a shit what

41:04

anybody else says. I don't care who makes how

41:06

much money. If you ask that woman

41:08

to be your wife, that is your job you have

41:10

to do. You know, like that's just, he

41:13

was just like, I don't, I don't care. Right.

41:15

So I've watched my father always live in that.

41:17

And I knew my father at times felt like

41:19

stuff wasn't fair because it wasn't being reciprocated. But

41:22

I never watched him and my mom talk about it. I

41:24

just seen him internalize it. And then sometimes he would say

41:26

stuff to me. He's like, when

41:29

you get married, you learn how to

41:31

pick your battle. And I used to be

41:33

like, why I got to pick battles? Like if I'm

41:35

doing everything, for all the smoke, he

41:37

wants every battle. He's on the front line. Okay.

41:40

No, I, Sergeant Major Lieutenant. I

41:43

just, there were, there was just certain things

41:45

that, yeah. And it went both ways. Like,

41:47

um, I had to, I checked my pops

41:49

one time because he had

41:51

screamed at my mom about money. And he had, he had said

41:53

to my mom, I don't want to repeat it, but he said

41:55

to my mom something about money. And I was like, yo, why

41:57

are you, why are you talking to mommy like that? And

42:00

he balked on me and was like, yo, when you get your wife,

42:02

you talk to your wife how you wanna talk to her, but that's

42:05

my wife. Cut to Duval talking to me about money.

42:08

That's the name, uh-huh. No, but the

42:11

thing was, I remember in

42:13

that time saying like my father was wrong

42:15

for using money as

42:17

like a tool against my mic to say

42:19

something like that. I felt like it was

42:21

wrong. But then as I got older and

42:23

I realized that when you try to suppress

42:25

everything all the time and you try to

42:27

pick your battles and then the straw

42:30

breaks the camel's back, that's

42:32

where it goes. And it becomes a bigger issue.

42:34

It could have just been something small. And

42:36

it could have been something that they could have discussed over

42:38

time before and it didn't have to be a straw

42:40

that broke the camel's back. So that's

42:43

why to me this was so important because the

42:45

more I learned about my mom and dad and

42:47

their parents, I learned

42:49

about myself. And I was

42:51

like, that's the reason why certain things

42:54

with relationships trigger me. Because

42:56

growing up, it was just

42:58

like watching it was just like, this doesn't seem fair.

43:00

It doesn't seem fair. But you know

43:02

what I love now, particularly with your parents? They

43:05

actually read our book. And

43:08

I can see how your

43:10

parents, and kind of slowly in some ways

43:13

my parents, not as much them because my

43:15

mom has still yet to read our book.

43:20

I can see how there's almost like an admiration

43:22

that they have for us. And

43:24

your parents are trying to do things a

43:27

little differently now. Because you

43:29

learn better ways you do better. Yeah. And

43:31

I think that just having the desire

43:33

to want to continue

43:35

to work at things is admirable, especially at

43:38

their age and knowing the history and stuff

43:40

like that. But it's just

43:42

amazing to see how we have now become

43:44

almost like the parents. The

43:46

parents, who they look to, the example. And

43:49

we're doing that for our younger siblings as

43:51

well to creating a standard where all of

43:53

our siblings have created a standard too within that

43:55

to say, well, I'm not going to settle for

43:57

anything less than this. Right. but

44:00

it's the trickle down effect of the

44:02

family tree. And according to familytreeresources.com, researching

44:06

your family history can help you do

44:09

so many different things. And this is

44:11

when you're looking at parents, siblings, everything.

44:14

It helps you to establish your own identity,

44:16

embrace your culture and traditions, understand

44:18

why you are who you are,

44:20

feel a better connection to your

44:22

ancestors or even just your immediate

44:24

grandparents and parents. It

44:26

helps to put your life in perspective. And that's important.

44:29

Putting your life in perspective is important. For sure. And

44:31

then your spouse's life and then your life together because

44:33

then you can plan for what you want your future

44:35

life to look like with your own

44:37

children. Moving forward in life

44:39

by learning about the decisions and the lifestyles of

44:41

those who came before you and how that has

44:43

impacted you. Becoming more understanding

44:45

of the, you know, inevitable up and

44:48

downs that we're gonna always face and

44:51

just being encouraged to keep the faith when

44:53

times get hard and to appreciate the differences

44:55

in the cultures and keeping an open mind,

44:57

these things. I think are all super

44:59

important. Those are some good tips. Those are some good

45:01

tips. I think what your parents are learning through us

45:04

and my parents are learning through us and our siblings

45:06

is that the standard isn't perfection. Right.

45:08

And we grew up with the standard being

45:11

perfection. And we completely obliterated that

45:13

because at this point in our lives, Kadine

45:15

and I have realized that we are not

45:17

perfect. We are not trying to

45:19

be perfect. There is no perfect human because

45:21

everyone's perspective in life is

45:24

different. So if everyone is

45:26

trying to be the same version of one

45:28

person, we're all gonna fail. So

45:30

it's learning to accept that I have flaws

45:33

and I have faults and I'm imperfect, but

45:35

that imperfection is what makes me myself. Embrace

45:37

that and embrace that from your parents. You

45:39

know what? My mom ain't perfect. My dad

45:41

ain't perfect. But you know what I learned

45:43

watching them? They love each

45:46

other so much that they're continuing to work.

45:48

Man, and when you know- That is empowering.

45:50

Yeah, and when you really know and understand

45:52

who your parents are, man,

45:55

you get so much more. I have

45:57

so much of a greater respect and

45:59

empathy. for my parents, just

46:01

looking at the conditions in which they grew

46:03

up in. The things they've had to overcome.

46:06

You know, why they are the way they are.

46:08

I really, at some points, look at them and

46:11

I'm proud, of course, first and foremost of how

46:13

far they've come. But in some instances,

46:15

I feel bad for them and what

46:17

they've had to endure to get to where they

46:19

are. And then it goes back to pride again,

46:22

because I'm looking at who I am as a woman and

46:24

regardless of the things that I can easily say, didn't

46:27

go right or went wrong. Everything

46:30

worked together for the good of me

46:32

and who I am. So

46:34

that gives me such a greater appreciation

46:36

for my parents. And look at who

46:38

we're raising now. Amazing boys who are

46:41

emotionally aware and intelligent, who speak up

46:44

for themselves, who love on each other.

46:47

They get to coexist in a

46:49

household with their grandparents as well

46:51

too. I'm envisioning the

46:53

stuff they're going to say when

46:55

they're in their 30s and 40s, that they can point out

46:58

to us, if like, dad, y'all didn't do this the right way. And I'm going

47:00

to be able to be like, bro, I'm going to be

47:02

like, bro, you right. Mom, you missed that, you didn't do this, you do that.

47:04

Yeah, I'm going to be like, you know, you right. Can't

47:06

even get defensive about it. Yeah, you learn more, show

47:08

me, you know what I'm saying? What are you and your

47:10

wife doing that's different than this day and age that can

47:13

help us? I'm like, dang, my mind is going to what

47:15

they're going to do. And I also want to say this

47:17

though, it's good to know your

47:19

wife's ancestors, because when you can

47:21

see that your wife, mom is

47:23

thick at 50, you

47:26

know, when she's 50, she's going to be thick

47:28

and stacked too. And on that note, we're going

47:30

to take a break before we get back to

47:32

these listeners. This is some good things get

47:34

inherited, baby. The booty is one of them.

47:36

All right, all right. We'll be

47:38

right back. We'll be back. This

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53:28

it's not. Being that I'm an outspoken

53:30

get money queen myself. It's not realistic at

53:32

all. There you go. Devout answering as we

53:35

go channel. My question

53:37

is about your guys' take on power

53:39

dynamics in a relationship. Is it realistic

53:41

to expect a man that's equally outgoing

53:43

and successful or should I be open

53:45

to a man who's more laid back

53:47

and supportive while I take on the

53:49

leadership role even though that's

53:51

not my ideal? No this is one they

53:53

see my bad. I don't mean to cut you off. This

53:56

is one of them things I'm talking about with perception versus

53:58

reality. That is not the case. Kadee,

54:01

you mad loud, you a go-getter, you

54:03

a money maker. You are all of

54:05

those things. And I found my equal

54:07

yoke. Yeah, I enjoy that.

54:10

Just as big in personality. I

54:12

enjoy that. I honestly do. When

54:14

I look at so many of these couples that

54:17

we're friends with, look at what's

54:20

the name. We know quite a few couples

54:23

who are very... I don't wanna start listening.

54:25

I wanna leave nobody out. But we know

54:27

a lot of couples more than

54:29

not who are very equally

54:31

balanced and they're both personalities and they're both.

54:33

And these are the people who we hang

54:35

with on a regular basis. She said, I

54:37

hate to, just to finish up her

54:40

thought here, I hate to use the

54:42

words like alpha and beta, but I'm also interested

54:44

to know how you would describe your own relationship

54:46

because on the outside looking in, it seems like

54:48

you both have strong personality. It's much love from

54:50

side. But so yeah, so Devout answered that by

54:52

saying, we both do have strong personality. You do

54:54

not have to settle. We are not in the

54:56

business of settling for anything because you just feel

54:58

like there's a timeline and a clock that is

55:00

ticking. First of all, okay. If

55:04

you were to... First of all, I'm back, even in this room, right?

55:08

Anika and Josh. Anika got a

55:10

strong personality. So does Josh. They

55:16

both, look at Matt and Christa. They

55:19

both have strong personalities. Christa ain't a pushover.

55:21

Matt ain't a pushover either. Matt gonna say

55:23

how he feels. But

55:25

my thing is with personalities, a

55:28

strong personality doesn't mean you gotta be life of the party

55:30

in the middle. You know what I'm saying? You can

55:32

be strong and stoic and gathered. You know what

55:34

I'm saying? Strong and silent. Strong and silent. You know

55:36

what I'm saying? Well, she said to her too, should

55:39

she just find

55:41

somebody equally outgoing or should

55:44

she find someone who's a laid back, more

55:46

supportive role while she takes a... That's the

55:48

surefire way to be set up for resentment.

55:50

If you know that that's not what you're

55:53

attracted to, there's no way that you're

55:55

gonna be even more attracted if you have to be

55:57

the leader all the time either. I agree. and

56:00

be like, okay babe, just follow my lead

56:02

all the time. The good thing about Duval

56:04

and I having both strong personalities, there's certain

56:06

moments when he's better equipped to take the

56:08

lead and there's certain moments when I am.

56:10

And we've learned how to kind of do

56:12

a dance where we tag each other in

56:14

and out in those moments of strength

56:17

and weakness. Don't just go for

56:19

weakness all the time. That's not the road. Since

56:22

I'll tell you this right now, in my mind,

56:24

I'm the strongest man in the world that I

56:26

know, in my mind. And

56:29

I ain't gonna level it, nobody telling me anything else. But

56:31

there are moments where I'll just be like, babe, please handle

56:33

that. I just don't got the energy for it

56:35

and I just don't wanna do it. And if

56:37

my wife was a meek little, beep, beep,

56:39

beep, beep, then I have to handle everything.

56:41

Nah, certain things, I'm like, all

56:43

right. I'll watch my wife, all

56:46

right, say, all right, okay. And then

56:48

K go handle that and I could step back

56:51

because that's something she's equipped to

56:53

handle. Like this whole idea

56:55

about the alpha, beta can't be two

56:57

alphas, it can't be two betas. That's

56:59

just all crap. Like there's

57:01

plenty of people in the world to

57:04

find someone that matches what you want.

57:07

The problem is, I think with so many young men and

57:09

so many young women is that our

57:11

dating pool is pretty much proximity and the

57:13

people we know. So we date the same

57:15

people in the same pool in that same

57:17

little, get out and travel. Get

57:19

out and go see different peoples in different

57:21

part of the world. Like don't just say,

57:23

you know what, I live in Flatbush, I'm

57:25

only gonna date Flatbush dudes. I'm gonna end

57:27

up with the Flatbush type dudes all the

57:29

time. That's the fact. Maybe your man ain't

57:32

from Flatbush. He may be from Connecticut. He

57:34

may be from Miami. He may be from

57:36

Zimbabwe. He might be overseas right now doing

57:38

something, you know. Traveled, who knows? Go and

57:40

the best thing is when you do things

57:42

in your passion, you meet people in similar

57:44

passions. That is very true. You know what I'm saying? But

57:46

we don't mean like your passion is going to the local

57:48

soccer fit. Unless that's the mentality you

57:50

wanna be stuck in. It's like

57:53

go to the local areas that you just always go

57:55

to. Because that was me at one point. Like I

57:57

was in all of the local parties. Like, you know

57:59

what I'm saying? Like I get it, the

58:01

proximity is a thing, but you have to be

58:03

able to broaden your horizons and see outside of

58:05

that. There's so many people in the world, man. If

58:07

you're only gonna meet people, if you're only gonna meet people

58:10

on your way to work and back home, or

58:12

your way to the same five clubs that you're

58:14

freaking in and back home, you're gonna see the

58:16

same type of people all the time. That's why

58:18

you feel like it's ghetto in these dating streets.

58:20

You're not really dating the world. You're dating in

58:22

the ghetto. You're dating in the ghetto. That's, you

58:24

know, if that's the only place. And when I

58:26

mean the ghetto, I don't mean Flatbush, because I'm

58:28

from Flatbush, and Flatbush can be ghetto. But,

58:30

you know. We love our hood. I just did

58:32

a whole thing on Instagram stories about driving through

58:35

Brooklyn. I love it there. But yeah,

58:37

we live in a different part of Georgia,

58:40

and I call this the ghetto, because I

58:42

go to the same Publix every day. I

58:44

go to the same liquor store every day. I see the

58:46

same people. This has become my hood. You know what I'm

58:49

saying? And if I was single, and I only dated the

58:51

people I've seen on this journey, I would

58:53

feel that everybody is like this.

58:55

But no, go out and travel. I've

58:59

never stopped being the best version

59:01

of yourself. If you start dumbing

59:03

yourself down to match someone else's

59:06

intensity, that's gonna get tiring at

59:08

some point, and you're gonna start disliking

59:10

yourself. And that's when

59:12

your self-esteem drops. There are

59:15

plenty of men with high

59:17

self-esteem who are high achievers, who are

59:19

looking for a woman with high self-esteem

59:21

who is a high achiever. I

59:24

look at a lot of my friends, and that's exactly

59:26

what they're looking for. They're not with

59:28

the whole, I need to get me a wife

59:30

that can just, no, they be like, that shit

59:32

boring. I'm dead ass.

59:35

All right now, you heard it here. Here you go, girl.

59:37

Good luck to you. Go get it. Go get him, whoever

59:39

he at, wherever he at. He's out there. Number

59:42

two, Khadine and Devou. I

59:44

came across your podcast and enjoyed listening to it.

59:46

Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice with

59:49

us. I recently discovered that my husband of 15

59:51

years had an affair over a year. We

59:53

are currently working through our issues and trying to make

59:55

our marriage work and heal. Of course, I'm hurt, feel

59:58

betrayed and angry. I think about it,

1:00:00

I get angry with the fact that the woman he

1:00:03

was having an affair with knew, he told

1:00:05

me she knew, that he was married and

1:00:07

that we have a toddler. She

1:00:09

was okay with him placing me and our baby aside

1:00:12

while he spent time with her and her

1:00:14

child. You know women

1:00:16

are good investigators. I found out where she

1:00:18

lives and where she attends church.

1:00:20

All right Dora, you better explore. There are pics of

1:00:22

them attending the church together. He lied about being at

1:00:25

work late into the night, sometimes overnight and on the

1:00:27

weekends. All the while he was with them. Since

1:00:30

I'm still trying to heal, I am

1:00:32

trying my darndest to hold myself from

1:00:34

going to her home, church or sending a

1:00:36

letter to give her some of my mind.

1:00:39

I also thought about sending a message to

1:00:41

the church's social media account so that she

1:00:43

worried about the wrong things. That's your husband.

1:00:45

That woman owes you nothing. She wants to

1:00:47

embarrass them the way she's embarrassed. I also thought about

1:00:50

sending a message to the church's social media account

1:00:52

to let them know about their affair. What advice

1:00:54

can you give me, what kind of

1:00:56

advice can you give before I kick down the door and smack the chair?

1:00:59

I say kick down the door and smack the

1:01:01

chair. It'll make you feel better, sis. It won't

1:01:03

though. It won't make her feel better. Temporarily. And

1:01:05

that temporary will be a short-lived temporary.

1:01:08

This is the truth. You

1:01:12

can't give, we don't know enough of the story. Him

1:01:14

cheating is wrong. We can just put

1:01:16

that out there. Him cheating is wrong. But for

1:01:19

her to take out all of her issues with him on

1:01:21

her is equally as wrong. You

1:01:24

know what I'm saying? That woman didn't

1:01:26

have vows for you. Her husband had

1:01:28

vows. All of this vitriol, take

1:01:30

it out on him and use that

1:01:33

energy if you want to to fix your

1:01:35

marriage. All this energy you're giving into her

1:01:37

social media and all this other stuff, if

1:01:39

you want to fix your marriage, put

1:01:41

the energy into that. Yeah, because I noticed

1:01:43

that she said we're currently working through our issues and trying to

1:01:45

make our marriage work and heal. So then,

1:01:47

you know, you're just mad at homegirl. You

1:01:50

expected her to be like, oh, you

1:01:52

know what, you got a wife and kids? Oh no, we're

1:01:54

not gonna do this. No, some people are not wired that

1:01:57

way. Homegirl saw something that she

1:01:59

wanted and she cheated. because it was

1:02:01

available. And that was his decision

1:02:03

to make. So now, you

1:02:05

can't be back in the corner working

1:02:07

things out with him, but then you still have

1:02:09

all this hatred towards her and her entire church

1:02:11

family. It doesn't work like that. First of

1:02:14

all, you're giving that other woman too much power.

1:02:16

You're giving her too much power. The more energy

1:02:18

you give to her, she gonna feel like she

1:02:20

winning. She mattered. And to be honest. And

1:02:22

if she mattered enough, he probably wouldn't be working on things with you.

1:02:24

And he'd probably be with her and her kid. That

1:02:26

is the fact. And the only way they can

1:02:29

figure it out is if the two of them work on it

1:02:31

together. But you can't work on it together if you're gonna put

1:02:33

all this energy into her. There's one thing

1:02:35

that people always say that bothers me and was just like, well,

1:02:38

you embarrassed me. Well, no, I didn't embarrass you. The only

1:02:40

person who I was cheating was me and that woman. You

1:02:43

embarrassed me. No, you embarrassed yourself by putting

1:02:45

it on social media. So

1:02:47

if she goes onto this church social media

1:02:49

and leaves a message, now you've embarrassed yourself

1:02:52

because you've let everyone else know your

1:02:54

husband cheated. Don't embarrass yourself trying to

1:02:56

get get back on someone. That's

1:02:59

the dumbest thing you can do. That's the,

1:03:01

don't do that, right? What you

1:03:03

do is you focus on healing internally.

1:03:06

And if you got any vitriol towards him,

1:03:08

cause y'all know I'm a petty motherfucker. Don't

1:03:10

take it out on her. Take it

1:03:13

out on him. Now

1:03:15

that's the petty in me talking. The

1:03:18

more adult mature the vow is gonna say,

1:03:20

it won't make you feel better. Cause it won't.

1:03:22

Cause when you try to do something petty to

1:03:25

somebody in that moment, that

1:03:27

instant moment, it feels good. But

1:03:29

then after a while you feel like, damn, I

1:03:31

feel stupid. Now I feel young. Now I feel

1:03:33

small. Now I feel like that person knows that

1:03:36

they got to me. Right. That

1:03:38

was just about to say that that was

1:03:40

my perspective. Like, cause the woman, you just

1:03:42

don't want to feel like you were rattled

1:03:44

that much. Like I don't want you to

1:03:46

feel like I was, you know, you were

1:03:49

living in my brain rent free for so

1:03:51

long. Like I don't want it to be

1:03:53

a thing. You remember the conversation I told

1:03:55

you about when I was at dinner with

1:03:57

one of my teammates? Whose

1:03:59

mistress walked. I'm not

1:04:02

even gonna tell y'all

1:04:04

when and where. I'm not gonna tell y'all when

1:04:06

and where. I'm not gonna say I'm not naming

1:04:08

no names. No, I know that, but shit. But,

1:04:10

man, there was a

1:04:12

lady, walked up on another lady,

1:04:17

where we were all out at

1:04:19

dinner, and tried to tell

1:04:21

that lady that I was with your husband.

1:04:24

And the lady said, don't

1:04:26

you ever walk up on me and my friends having

1:04:28

dinner. You take your bags, your little

1:04:30

vacations, and the nut that you get that he

1:04:32

gives you, and you keep in

1:04:34

your corner and be quiet. Don't you ever speak to me

1:04:36

in public. I watched that woman look so small. She thought

1:04:38

she was doing something. She thought she was gonna be... She

1:04:40

was coming to embarrass everybody. She thought it was gonna be

1:04:42

a big thing, and that woman didn't give her none of that,

1:04:44

right? Right. And then the girl kind

1:04:46

of shrunk a little bit, and it looked at him like he

1:04:49

expected him to say something. He ain't even look up. He kept

1:04:51

his eyes on his wife the whole time. Yikes.

1:04:55

you're not gonna say nothing. The

1:04:57

wife never changed her expression.

1:05:00

Looked at the dude and said, if you ever

1:05:02

had one of these bitches come to me in public again, it

1:05:04

would not be nice. And

1:05:06

she got back to the conversation, was acting real

1:05:08

normal, and I was like... I

1:05:11

was young, you know what I'm saying? I was young, I was

1:05:13

a rookie, so I had never seen nothing like

1:05:15

this before. But I was like, yo, that shit

1:05:17

was empowering, bro. And

1:05:20

then part of me was just like, yo, don't fuck with

1:05:22

that. Why would you fuck with your wife? And your wife

1:05:24

is like... She

1:05:26

seemed like a silent assassin. Oh, nah, they told us.

1:05:28

They was like, he gonna get it when he get home. And

1:05:31

he got it when he got home. He got it. And

1:05:34

this is the wild part, right? You

1:05:37

know how men trying to be tough, he

1:05:40

wasn't trying to be tough at all. Cosina, what time was

1:05:43

it? She got back to the conversation, and

1:05:46

this is how much of a boss she

1:05:48

was. She was just like, hey, guys,

1:05:50

sorry for all that. Dinner is on us. Him.

1:05:54

Got her card out with his name on it, paid

1:05:57

for dinner, whatever. It's like, let's go. That

1:05:59

nigga got up. Yep, I see you're not

1:06:01

a word not a word and just left And

1:06:04

I was like the one thing it showed me

1:06:06

because no one ever wants to go through that

1:06:08

right but them two were lockstep Mmm, and

1:06:10

they're still married to this day. Mmm, like

1:06:13

still married to this day And I was

1:06:15

just like that was probably the most powerful

1:06:17

shit. I ever seen a woman do now She

1:06:20

probably was upset. She probably felt hurt, but she

1:06:22

didn't ever let us see that right She never

1:06:24

let us see that right But I was just

1:06:26

like shit like if I if I was ever

1:06:28

a woman and I had I probably

1:06:30

would handle it like that Cuz if you fight

1:06:32

with someone in public or you have something with

1:06:35

them in public you look just as dumb as

1:06:37

them That's true. That's

1:06:39

true. But her and her friends had to walk

1:06:41

out looking real small I was

1:06:43

like coming in there for a whole altercation that

1:06:45

was not shut down. Of course I mean that

1:06:47

was all contrived before ahead of time. What we

1:06:49

gonna do is all I know they're gonna be

1:06:51

out to dinner tonight That's exactly what it was

1:06:54

like. So what's gonna happen is I'm gonna walk

1:06:56

up I must say this that's what they thought

1:06:58

they were ready for something to pop off and

1:07:00

they were gonna come in and None

1:07:02

of that work. None of it works

1:07:04

She said take your trips your bags

1:07:06

and that nut that he gives you. Well,

1:07:08

I stay in your corner And

1:07:11

I was like, oh you scoundrel. I was

1:07:13

like, oh cuz I man The

1:07:16

way she handled it though was so like yeah

1:07:18

fine. Yeah, like you're not gonna bring me off

1:07:20

of my pedestal I'm the wife right not you're

1:07:22

not bringing me off my pedestal, right? And they

1:07:24

you know, he told us he got it when

1:07:26

he got home And

1:07:29

he also was on six month probation. Oh

1:07:31

no cheeks That's

1:07:35

what it was I was like we was like he

1:07:37

was like man so the question is if you

1:07:39

go find homegirl to get cheeks Over there

1:07:41

now listen, listen now now who knows but

1:07:43

here's my thing though He

1:07:46

wasn't leaving his wife. Okay, and he made it

1:07:48

very very clear. He made it very clear that

1:07:50

he's not Even his wife and another

1:07:52

thing too is that we didn't see him for the rest of

1:07:54

the season. You know how we go out Yeah,

1:07:56

yeah This and

1:07:58

he was home Well, hey.

1:08:01

And I guess that could have been him trying to show

1:08:03

his respect to his wife. Like, yo, I'm not going to

1:08:05

be out. Right. I'll go to practice,

1:08:07

I'll come home, I'll go to practice, just to show

1:08:09

you that I'm dedicated to this. And they got through

1:08:11

it because that was 15 years ago when they still

1:08:13

married. So if it worked for them, it worked for them.

1:08:15

But it was just like it wasn't an embarrassment when it

1:08:17

could have been. Because this was in 2006. There

1:08:21

was really no big social media. But

1:08:23

if there was a fight between them, that

1:08:25

would have been in the news. Oh, for sure. And

1:08:28

then it becomes the infidelity. And now

1:08:30

everybody knows your business, whereas just

1:08:33

them knew your business. Right. You handled it in a

1:08:35

way where it was. It stayed there. You

1:08:37

know, so that's that would be my thoughts for you, Mama. All

1:08:39

right. Good luck to you, girl, as you guys

1:08:41

try to figure out what's next and work through

1:08:43

this. All right. If

1:08:45

you want to be featured as one

1:08:48

of our listener letters, email us at

1:08:50

deadassadvice@gmail.com. That's D E A D A

1:08:52

S S A D V I C

1:08:54

E@gmail.com. All right. Moment of

1:08:56

truth time. We're talking knowing your

1:08:58

in-laws, having a greater appreciation for the

1:09:00

family tree to know where you

1:09:03

fell because, you know, the apples don't fall far. What's

1:09:06

your moment of truth, baby? My moment of truth is

1:09:08

very simple, is that healing

1:09:11

starts with knowing yourself,

1:09:14

knowing your history. And

1:09:16

if you're interested in helping your partner

1:09:19

heal, learn their history as well. I

1:09:22

love that. My moment

1:09:25

of truth is

1:09:27

that I really, really like

1:09:29

love who your parents are and

1:09:31

who they've raised you to be. Like they really did

1:09:33

a great job. And I don't know if I've ever

1:09:35

like told them to

1:09:38

their face or publicly or

1:09:40

anything, but I really appreciate

1:09:42

scoop in my for even

1:09:45

regardless of who they are, where they came

1:09:47

from, who raised them, their dynamics as husband

1:09:49

and wife, their dynamics as kids. Because we

1:09:52

know to the chair parents, they

1:09:54

got married at 21 and they were trying to

1:09:56

figure out a lot of things. So the grace

1:09:58

that you've been able to give them. and

1:10:00

we've been able to give them by saying, man, they

1:10:02

were just kids trying to figure things out. We don't

1:10:04

pass any judgment, but they were able

1:10:06

to raise such a freaking

1:10:09

amazing young man in you.

1:10:12

So I love my in-laws, my in-loves,

1:10:15

I should say. I like

1:10:17

that, I like that. My mother in

1:10:19

love and my father in love. I

1:10:22

love them for who they are, because

1:10:24

together, along with your surrounding family, they

1:10:26

were really able to raise an amazing

1:10:28

man who's my husband, and we're raising

1:10:31

four amazing men. So publicly, I'd like

1:10:33

to thank Scoop and Ma for his

1:10:35

fine-ass man over here. You

1:10:37

know what I'm saying? You and you already know

1:10:40

how I feel about your parents. Oh yeah, they live here

1:10:42

too. So

1:10:44

they live here, so I already know. And shout

1:10:46

out to Mimi for the cakes that

1:10:48

I inherited. Facts! Jamaican side. Jamaica to

1:10:50

the world. You could put all the

1:10:53

BBL rumors to rest, because I

1:10:55

got it from my mama, literally. You see my

1:10:57

mother now, my mother now, skinny, because she's doing

1:10:59

all these detoxes, but she's still caked

1:11:01

up and stacked back there. I don't

1:11:03

know, she's 60, what? Ain't going nowhere, why is it 66 now?

1:11:06

66, she still goes to tennis. Yep,

1:11:09

still works out. She's sitting in shape. Now, but

1:11:11

Yasiya, I didn't see her before that, because now

1:11:13

she on that, the detox, so

1:11:15

she's skinnier now. She is thin. But

1:11:17

when she was 50, that was tabletop.

1:11:19

You remember that dress, that burgundy gown she wore

1:11:21

for her 50th? Yeah, I remember. I was just

1:11:23

like, oh, she's a mom. That's what made me lock in

1:11:25

and be like, yeah, this is, it was that.

1:11:28

I was like, damn, I'm going to have three kids.

1:11:30

She was flat. Now, one stretch mark on her body.

1:11:32

Flat stomach. You know, shout out to me. I was

1:11:34

like, man, shout out to me. I'm looking to my

1:11:37

future. I love it there. And shout out to Pops

1:11:39

too, for being the type of guy

1:11:41

that continues to love on people. Yeah, regardless of

1:11:43

anything. He don't care, he just love on people,

1:11:45

because you get that too, from Grandma Joseph too.

1:11:48

Grandma Joseph was just a very warm

1:11:50

person, heartfelt person, like both your

1:11:52

grandmothers were. Both your grandmothers

1:11:54

were, man. Cut from good clothes. Tell my

1:11:57

Brian, that's my girl, man. Cut from good clothes,

1:11:59

yeah. Help raise all. for my boys. Yes. All

1:12:01

right, y'all be sure to find us

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1:12:18

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1:12:37

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1:12:39

Cause we'll all sign them there while we're there. Oh,

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