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1:41

Catherine. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? I'm

1:44

great. Thank you. I'm

1:46

in Mallorca. Oh, delightful. I love it.

1:49

Simon's wonderful. I know. That's

1:51

an update for us, Chelsea. This

1:54

is from Allie. She called in on her

1:56

Monica Lewinsky episode and she was about to

1:58

have a birthday. but her father had died

2:00

when she was very young and kind of

2:02

like around her birthday. Oh yes, I remember.

2:04

Yeah reminded her. So

2:07

Allie says, hi Chelsea, it's been a couple

2:09

months since I came on to chat with

2:11

you both and Monica about grieving my dad

2:13

while celebrating my 30th birthday. I took

2:16

your advice of focusing on celebrating him,

2:18

his 38 years on this earth, and

2:21

really finding that distinction between grief and

2:23

suffering. I'm a recovering

2:25

Irish Catholic from Boston, so I love

2:27

an Irish week style of celebrating someone

2:29

who's passed. My friends and

2:31

I toasted him and welcomed his energy

2:33

into the birthday weekend and they reminded

2:36

me that celebrating me inherently includes celebrating

2:38

him because he brought me here. Thank

2:41

you for giving us sort of quote-unquote permission

2:43

to approach it that way. The

2:45

weekend was joyous and felt revolutionary. I absolutely

2:48

turned over a new leaf and I'm forever grateful to

2:50

you for your help in that. I cannot

2:52

believe I forgot to tell you this Chelsea

2:54

but my dad's favorite activity in the world

2:57

was skiing, particularly in Whistler. When

2:59

he's not hanging around us in day-to-day life

3:01

that's definitely where he is. Maybe I know

3:03

maybe next year I'll spend my birthday there.

3:06

I know many folks write into the show

3:08

about grief so I wanted to also share

3:10

an incredible nonprofit and power. They

3:12

provide one-on-one mentorship to children and young

3:14

adults navigating the loss of their mothers

3:17

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3:19

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3:21

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3:23

anyone listening wants to share with a grieving child

3:25

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3:27

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3:30

they can head to weareempowered.org. Thanks

3:32

again for your advice and for

3:34

what you do each week Allie.

3:37

That is so sad. That's so great. That part

3:39

is great. That makes me cry

3:41

thinking about children grieving their parents. I can't

3:44

even... We watched an old season

3:46

of MasterChef Junior and one of the kids

3:48

had lost his dad and it

3:50

was kind of amazing to see how he

3:52

was dealing with it. You could tell he

3:54

had processed it a lot because when he

3:56

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3:58

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9:10

Let's create. three

14:00

hours away. A few weeks

14:02

after visiting to do our engagement photos, we

14:04

received the most earth shattering call. My

14:06

fiance's father had died by suicide and was

14:09

found in the house. His mother immediately had

14:11

to go into long-term care. We're

14:14

so filled with grief and stress. Having just

14:16

bought a house and planning a wedding, driving

14:18

back and forth to tackle things, it's so

14:20

overwhelming. Life just truly

14:22

feels irrevocably changed. I'm grateful

14:25

to feel sure about marrying my fiance but

14:27

our relationship has been rocked and the cracks

14:29

are definitely there. We have

14:31

so much to figure out with the estate,

14:33

emptying their packed house, selling everything and now

14:35

taking care of their very, very loud dog.

14:38

I miss our lives and while I'm trying my

14:40

best to be a fully supportive partner, I feel

14:43

myself failing daily. My fiance is doing

14:45

the best he can but I miss his level of

14:47

engagement in our relationship and life. And while I know

14:49

I need to give him grace, it's difficult day to

14:51

day. There are things I was

14:53

already sad about during wedding planning as I lost my

14:56

mom 10 years ago. Overall, I

14:58

feel like the focus is the horrible situation we're

15:00

in rather than being a happy time and my

15:02

feelings are lost in all of it. I'm

15:04

in therapy, working through forgiveness and letting go of

15:06

anger, but it's so hard not to feel like

15:08

our wedding will forever be linked to this horrific

15:10

time in our lives. Thanks, Emma. Hi,

15:12

Emma. Hi, Chelsea, how are you?

15:15

Oh, wow. That was very moving your

15:17

story. Yeah, lots of

15:19

stuff this year. A lot

15:21

of things we're trying to kind of move

15:24

through while also enjoying ourselves. Right.

15:27

Tell me where you are, like with your wedding planning with

15:29

all the, you know, emptying out the house now. Yeah,

15:32

so we're pretty much everything is set.

15:34

We're just kind of in those last

15:36

few months of figuring out like little

15:39

stuff. So everything is, you

15:41

know, moving ahead is planned and he unfortunately

15:43

was gonna be our officiant, Bob's dad, so

15:45

we ended up finding a new officiant and

15:48

all of that. So we're in a good

15:50

spot with all that. And honestly, Bob and

15:52

I are in a really good spot too

15:54

as a couple. It's just that it's

15:57

very hard to not assume. So she

16:00

ate these two things. And

16:02

especially our wedding will be

16:04

near the end of September. This

16:06

event will be just a

16:08

few weeks after it. The first year anniversary

16:11

will be a few weeks after it. So

16:13

it's kind of hard not to have those

16:15

two things tied together. So are you and

16:17

your fiance communicating about how you're dealing with

16:19

all of this stuff? Yeah,

16:21

we are. I'm definitely

16:24

more communicative and a lot more

16:26

open about how I'm feeling day

16:28

to day. He, I

16:30

think, to get through things,

16:33

I think he shuts down a little bit.

16:35

And isn't, not that he needs to lean

16:38

into the feelings of everything that's going on.

16:40

But I think that sometimes

16:42

it's easier, especially with going to work, he just

16:44

kind of shuts it down a little bit. So

16:46

I just worry about him a lot. This

16:49

is a really big thing, an event,

16:52

that's happened in both of our

16:54

lives, but definitely in his life.

16:57

So I just worry where that will bubble

16:59

up in the future. Would

17:02

he be open to talking to a therapist? So

17:05

he does. He does see somebody. I

17:08

think he wants to see somebody more in

17:11

the future, but he does talk to somebody,

17:13

yes. It sounds like what you guys really

17:15

need to do in this moment. It's a

17:17

period of time in your life that wasn't

17:20

planned. So it's a little bit difficult and

17:22

hairy. But in this moment, you need to

17:24

double down on talking and being communicative with

17:27

each other, even when he doesn't want to be.

17:29

You have to be like, listen, we're going

17:31

to go through this together. I'm having

17:34

a really difficult time on certain days. In

17:36

certain days, you're doing better, it sounds like.

17:38

But we have to be helping

17:41

each other get through this time. Because obviously,

17:43

this is trauma. And you, I

17:45

am going to insist that you

17:47

are talking to somebody on a more regular

17:50

basis for him. He needs to talk to

17:52

someone on a regular basis during this time.

17:54

Because what you said, where is it

17:57

going to bubble up later? Like, it is going to bubble

17:59

up later. So you have to,

18:01

in the moment you're in, really double down

18:03

on both of your therapists and talking to

18:05

each other about what's happening. And

18:08

taking each day at a time, yes, this wasn't

18:10

what you planned, but what is a way to

18:12

differentiate your wedding day from the anniversary of his

18:14

death? Why not make that a celebration

18:16

of him? Why does it have to

18:18

be the anniversary of his death? Why can't it be

18:21

a celebration of his life? Why can't it be an

18:23

extension of your wedding anniversary in some regard? Maybe

18:25

you can tie those two events together in a positive

18:27

way rather than looking at it in the way that

18:30

you're looking at it because it just happened. So I

18:32

understand. But you can adjust your

18:34

framework on that and have a better way

18:37

forward. And also sharing that with your

18:39

fiancé, like, I'm thinking about these things.

18:41

This is how I think we can

18:43

make peace with this. I mean, obviously,

18:45

it's very early on, but that's why

18:47

talking is so important because things get

18:49

so built up. There's resentments. You don't

18:51

know what people are dealing with on

18:53

their own, you know? For sure.

18:56

I think that's one of my biggest fears,

18:58

too, is that because I would say my

19:00

emotions are a little bit louder than his,

19:02

is make, like, again, even though this is

19:04

something that, you know, we're going through together

19:06

and I'm going through, I don't want to

19:08

take away the fact that this is something

19:10

that he's going through with his parent. And

19:12

his other parent, we're kind of on a

19:14

nice edge, too, with her care.

19:16

And when we might lose her, it's kind of

19:18

like that we're kind of just like on this

19:21

edge through this whole next few months

19:23

of, oh, is she going to make it? So it's

19:25

hard not to be in that constant kind of fear,

19:27

stress state of, are we going to be going through

19:29

another loss in the next few months that we're going

19:32

to have to deal with? And, you know, there's a

19:34

lot of selfish feelings. I'm like, oh, please don't let

19:36

anything happen by then. But also, we don't know if

19:38

she's even going to be in a state where she

19:40

can come. So, you know, it's

19:42

hard to reconcile out of that stuff. But those

19:45

things are important to talk about. But you know

19:47

what I mean? When you're, you know, all of

19:49

that stuff is really important and it will bring

19:51

you guys closer. And when I

19:53

say you don't know what the other person's thinking, like he could

19:55

be resentful of his parents for pulling

19:57

this shit at the most important moment in

19:59

his time. could be a result of you

20:01

for some weird reason. That's why it's so

20:03

important for him to talk because you don't

20:05

want that to fester whatever his reaction to

20:08

their death is. Absolutely. We haven't

20:10

really approached the topic

20:12

of because I have anger towards his

20:14

dad that he doesn't... I have

20:17

so much empathy for that he

20:19

was in this position and this

20:21

was where he ultimately, his path

20:24

led him to. So I loved

20:26

this person, but I

20:28

also still have a lot of anger

20:31

about the situation and he hasn't really

20:33

gotten to... at least it's not expressed

20:35

that he has any anger that

20:37

this happened. So that's hard.

20:39

I think he's very, very protective of his

20:42

dad and I understand that, but also it's

20:44

like trying to make sure he knows that

20:46

there's space to be angry about it and

20:48

that's okay. Everything that is going to come

20:51

up for him is going to come up

20:53

for him over time with

20:55

him actually having an outlet for

20:57

his feelings. You can't direct his

21:00

emotional, you know, what's happening

21:02

of course, but you can

21:04

be there and be honest with each other

21:06

about it, which is leveling up your relationship

21:09

actually. It's going to bring you closer together

21:11

if you guys can get together on this

21:13

and you having your frustrations are fine. That's

21:15

okay. That's totally honest. Like what you just

21:18

said and everything, you know, you are angry

21:20

about it. That's okay too. We're

21:22

all human beings. We're all experiencing feelings that

21:24

we don't want to be feeling. And

21:27

I think Chelsea, you're right. Like really strongly

21:29

suggesting like verging on demanding that he be

21:31

seeing somebody at least once a week, even

21:33

if it's not twice a week, so that

21:36

he does get to the point where he

21:38

is processing things like anger, things like, you

21:40

know, resentments and getting them out. Yeah. And

21:42

there's no like argument for not doubling down

21:44

on therapy when your father committed suicide. Honestly,

21:46

it's financial financials, the argument, which sucks that

21:48

that has to be an argument. But like,

21:51

I think that especially like with the wedding,

21:53

like that is part of it too, which

21:55

like I would argue, like obviously the investment

21:57

is totally 100% worth it. It's

22:00

just finding where that monetary balance is with

22:02

having one new home, doing the wedding, all

22:05

that. So, and totally understand that, but

22:07

that is where group therapy is going to come in.

22:09

So, he needs, you need to find

22:11

him a support group for, I'm sure there's

22:13

a specific one, depending on the size of

22:16

your city. Yes. No, for sure. And

22:18

those are usually free or like somebody, you

22:20

bring donuts. Yeah. No, those are

22:22

much more affordable. Yeah. Yeah. So,

22:25

I mean, doubling up, having therapy when you can

22:27

afford it and doing something that's a no cost

22:29

thing as well, I think would be that the

22:32

way to kind of get that in so we

22:34

can start processing or continue processing. Yeah, I agree.

22:36

I think for the wedding, what I would suggest

22:38

too is people who come to your

22:40

wedding are going to know that this is a part

22:42

of your experience. And I think one of the best

22:44

things you can do is allow people a moment

22:47

to experience that to really like hang a

22:49

lantern on it. Either, you know,

22:51

your efficient can mention something about those who

22:54

can't be here with us today. But I

22:56

also think, especially since you lost your mom,

22:58

one really nice thing that you can do

23:00

is have a table where maybe

23:03

it's everybody's wedding photos, maybe it's

23:05

parents and grandparents wedding photos, maybe

23:07

it's just a photo of each

23:09

of them, but including everyone,

23:11

at least in some way

23:13

in your ceremony, I think will

23:16

allow people like a place to put

23:18

that sort of curiosity and grief for

23:20

you and also give you

23:22

an outlet where like you guys don't have to say

23:24

it and be crying about it, but

23:26

like have your efficient mention it. I

23:28

think it is something that we probably will incorporate,

23:30

which will be nice. It'll be nice to have

23:32

that. And then during the ceremony too, I've seen

23:34

people will have like a chair reserved, like one

23:36

for your mom and one for his dad too.

23:38

So yeah, and I asked him about that. And

23:40

he was kind of, I think

23:43

it's funny, like he just doesn't, I think

23:45

that that almost like made him sadder

23:47

to think about doing something like that. So

23:50

it's finding like, okay, what feels like

23:52

honoring and nice without necessarily making you

23:55

more upset, but you're going

23:57

to be thinking about it like obviously on the day.

23:59

Exactly. of

28:00

resources for this, but like take advantage

28:02

when someone says, how can I help?

28:04

Say, here's how and give yourself some

28:06

time off. Yeah. And of course, if

28:08

you or someone you know is dealing

28:10

with depression or suicide, please

28:12

reach out. Help is available at 988.

28:15

That's the number for

28:17

the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 988.

28:20

Let's talk to Tanya, shall we? Okay. Yeah. Tanya

28:23

has sort of a tricky interpersonal thing with a

28:25

family friend. So I like the sound of that.

28:27

Yeah. She says, dear Chelsea, about 10 years ago,

28:29

my best friend set me up with her brother.

28:31

It was supposed to be just a hookup, but

28:33

I ended up falling in love. We

28:36

saw each other off and on for almost three years.

28:38

And during that time, I found out he was married.

28:41

I was not only heartbroken. Her friend's brother, she

28:43

found out was married. Yes. She did not know

28:45

beforehand, but found out

28:48

during that time. I was not

28:50

only heartbroken from his deception and that my friend would

28:52

deceive me, but and that she put me in that

28:54

position. So I never said anything, but I stopped talking

28:56

to them both for two years. Fast

28:59

forward and we've all moved on and reconnected as friends.

29:01

He is now married to someone else and they have

29:03

a child, but it's still uncomfortable for me when we

29:05

see each other. There's a lot of sexual

29:07

tension and his sister, my friend,

29:10

mentions it and talks about how she doesn't like

29:12

his new wife and so on. He

29:14

tries to hug me or comes in for a kiss when no one

29:16

is sorry.

29:20

I think she needs a kiss on the cheek. He

29:22

tries to hug me or comes in for a kiss

29:24

when no one is looking. And while it's nothing overtly

29:26

sexual, he lingers a little longer

29:28

than normal. Well, if he's kissing you, wait,

29:31

what? I don't like this must be a

29:33

kiss on the cheek. So we'll clarify. Who

29:35

comes and kisses someone on the cheek? That's

29:37

like sort of an old school move. Yeah.

29:41

I have no desire for a

29:43

relationship. If he's doing that and loitering, of course

29:46

that goes together. She's lingering.

29:48

Yeah. Lingering. If he's kissing

29:50

you on the cheek, he's

29:52

definitely lingering also. Like he's

29:54

standing right outside yourself. She's

29:56

surprised by that, but not

29:58

the first part. So

30:01

she says, I have no desire to have a

30:03

relationship with him, but he still lights me up,

30:05

so to speak. The sex was amazing, after all.

30:08

So the complication comes now. Last

30:10

December, I was with all of the women in

30:12

their family on a trip, and one of them

30:14

brought up my previous affair with their brother, but

30:16

made it sound as if it was a one-night

30:18

stand. We were all drinking, and I started crying

30:20

and defending myself, saying that I had a relationship

30:22

with him and even loved him, even if maybe

30:24

he didn't feel the same. I

30:26

was just a little shocked that the sisters knew, and

30:28

that all these years they thought it was a one-night

30:31

stand, when for me, it was so much more. It

30:33

felt embarrassing. Now I'm being told

30:35

that I'm not allowed to come to any family

30:37

events because one of the women in-law thinks I

30:39

might tell his new wife, which I have no

30:41

intention of doing. It feels so

30:43

weird to me that they're inserting themselves into

30:45

something that happened so long ago, and that

30:47

without even trying to clarify with me, they

30:49

made this decision months later following a drunken

30:51

conversation in Vegas. We're family friends,

30:53

we travel together, and we see each other around town,

30:56

so I don't know how not to be a part

30:58

of this family. How can I mend things without it

31:00

pulling up in my face, Tanya? Hi,

31:02

Tanya. Hi. How are you? I'm

31:05

good. How are you? Good. You've

31:08

got some trauma happening. Okay. So that happened

31:10

in Vegas, where you started crying, defending yourself,

31:12

and explaining to them that it was like

31:15

an actual affair. Right. What

31:17

happened after that? What length of time did

31:19

you get uninvited or? It was months later,

31:21

and it was the nothing was ever really

31:23

said, and then all of a sudden it

31:25

was like a thing out

31:28

of the blue, which I was so surprised by. I

31:30

thought, okay, I thought we were close enough where if

31:32

it was an issue, somebody would have said something right

31:35

away, or maybe the next day even, or

31:37

nothing was ever said. And it was months

31:40

later, so it just feels like, to

31:42

me, it feels like it's something else, or I

31:44

don't know, it just seems so odd. No, I

31:47

could see it being about that. Yeah. Yeah.

31:50

Because if you're finding out, if they thought

31:52

it was a one-night stand, and they're finding

31:54

out that it was a long-term affair while

31:57

he was married, he's not married to her

31:59

anymore. No. So

32:02

yeah, I think you should just address it

32:04

head on, obviously, and say, guys, listen, I

32:06

understand that night in Vegas that I told

32:08

you stuff, but like, that was a long

32:11

time ago. And I

32:13

have no intention of ever sharing

32:15

anything like that with his current

32:17

wife. The problem is, is that

32:19

you do still have this like

32:21

sexual chemistry. And that's a problem

32:23

for you, because people can sense

32:25

that. Yeah, no, totally. I

32:27

think that I mean, obviously, I tried

32:30

to stay away as much as possible

32:32

and give respect to the relationship. And

32:36

I definitely don't want anything to

32:38

do with that relationship. But

32:41

when you say he's coming and kissing you on the

32:43

cheek. Oh, yeah. Is it cheek kiss when

32:45

he tries to sneak a kiss? Or is it? Yeah,

32:48

I mean, but it's like, and then there's

32:50

like the hug, maybe a little bit too long.

32:52

And, you know, there's been a couple situations where he'll

32:54

ask like to walk me to my car, like, let

32:56

me help you with your car. And it's just like,

32:58

it's just not appropriate. He's trying to find times

33:01

to be alone with you. Yeah.

33:04

And to me, it's like, I don't necessarily

33:06

think he's looking for an out

33:08

or anything. But it's just like, you know, when

33:10

you're married for a long time, I've been married.

33:12

And it's like, you know, it's like that secret

33:14

thing is always kind of exciting. And,

33:17

and I've been a secret before. And it's like, it's

33:19

so disrespectful. Yeah, yeah, it is disrespectful to you. And

33:21

you do need to like set a boundary so that

33:24

he doesn't even think he can walk you to the

33:26

car. You can't like allow him to be coming in

33:28

and steal it. What do you mean by kissing you

33:30

like kissing you on the cheek? Yeah,

33:33

yeah. Gross, gross though. Why is he doing that? That's

33:37

not okay. Like, right? So

33:39

it is a problem because they're worried now

33:41

I see why like you're they're worried that

33:44

you're gonna like have another romance with him.

33:46

Right. And ruin his marriage.

33:49

But isn't the problem with him? Why is

33:51

it me? It's not my problem. There's two

33:53

people you're no it is your it's your

33:55

responsibility to. Set a boundary because then he

33:57

has a parameter if you if you don't

34:00

say anything, then he just thinks he can

34:02

keep trying until you give in. If you

34:05

say stop, I'm not interested, please

34:07

stop, like be firm. You have

34:09

to be firm with him. Unfortunately, as women, that's

34:12

how we have to be with men like that.

34:15

Yeah. Yeah. Like he's totally a fault too,

34:17

but like, you know. Yeah, but you're not completely

34:20

helpless. You have agency. You can stand up

34:22

for yourself and say, no, don't kiss

34:24

me like that. It's gross. I find

34:26

that gross. That'll stop him. I don't think

34:28

you necessarily need to hug him at

34:30

all. Like give him an off one

34:32

by five next day he tries to come

34:34

in for a hug. Yeah. And you

34:36

know, but with regard to you're not

34:38

seeing him at all right now, right? No,

34:41

we don't talk. It's not even like

34:43

there's any type of communication and really

34:45

it's like random once in a

34:47

while type things. So it's not like

34:49

he's making an effort to see me.

34:51

I don't feel like that's his goal

34:53

at all. And how many like are

34:55

you really, you're upset about missing out

34:57

on all these like family things? Not

34:59

at all. No, I feel like putting

35:01

my friend, my girlfriend in an odd

35:04

position with her family. And then also

35:06

we do have like where we normally

35:08

a couple times a year we all

35:10

hang out. And so it's like, so now

35:12

what she's just not supposed to. I think

35:14

you can just send them an email and be like, guys, whoever

35:17

this needs to be addressed to. Can we please

35:19

get over this? Like I'm not telling his wife,

35:21

I have no intention. I what's

35:23

your situation right now? Are you married? No, I'm

35:25

single. But you're single. Okay. I have no intention

35:27

of pursuing anything with your brother. That was that

35:30

was a very long time ago and that was

35:32

a very drunk night in Vegas. You know, what

35:35

happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in

35:37

Vegas. Right? I almost

35:39

just like with an asterisk. I almost

35:42

wonder if it shouldn't be something that gets

35:44

put into writing just like in case the

35:47

wife picks up a phone of someone or someone

35:49

shows her. I almost wonder if it's

35:51

like a phone, like a series of phone calls or

35:53

like, Hey gals, can we all please get lunch? And

35:55

you like address it. I'm a little

35:57

scared about putting into writing. Do

36:00

you feel comfortable calling them all and just saying, can we

36:02

get lunch? Yeah, I mean,

36:04

I can. I feel like, well,

36:07

I did initially reach out

36:09

since this conversation, I did text message

36:11

them all and just say, I feel

36:13

like maybe there's something you guys are

36:15

upset about, or if I've done something,

36:17

I would love to have an opportunity

36:19

to make this right. And they didn't

36:21

respond. So I was like, okay. But

36:24

my girlfriend is the one who called me, she's

36:26

like, yeah, it's about the whole thing with that

36:28

happened a long time ago, and they're afraid maybe

36:30

you're gonna say something to the wife, and I'm

36:32

like, that's ridiculous. And she's like, I know, she's

36:34

like, I know you wouldn't. But

36:36

that's their thought or whatever. And

36:39

how well do you know those women? Because

36:42

those are her relatives, right? Right, I've been

36:44

a member for years. It's been a long

36:46

time now, for a long, long time. Maybe

36:48

you just have to let the dust settle. And when it

36:51

comes time to see them again, maybe your best

36:53

friend can be your biggest advocate and kind of

36:55

smooth things over with the other girls. When

36:58

did this happen? Maybe like six months ago now. I

37:01

don't know, it sounds like a while. Yeah. I

37:05

don't know either. I'm like, fuck, I don't

37:07

know. This is a hard one. I would say, fucking, who

37:10

gives a shit? Just don't hang out with them. That's

37:12

kind of where I'm leaning, okay. I feel

37:14

like when you have that attitude, people kind of

37:17

get in vibe with it. If that's your

37:19

vibe and you're not thirsty to try to

37:21

get back into that scene, it

37:23

usually comes to you more easily. Yeah.

37:25

You know what I mean? The invite will return.

37:28

So I would just say, I amend what I retract

37:31

what I said earlier. Don't do anything. Just let the

37:33

dust settle and be your cool self and

37:35

know that you're gonna set a boundary with that

37:37

guy the next time. He's not allowed to come

37:40

up and kiss you on the cheek. That's molester

37:42

behavior. Right, okay. Just kissing on

37:44

the cheek, get off of me. That sounds

37:46

good. I like that better. Yeah. It's like,

37:48

I don't want anyone kissing me that's not

37:50

kissing me on the mouth. I

37:52

have been thinking about that recently. I'm like, cheek kisses

37:54

happen in the movies all the time. It's so stupid.

37:56

In real life. As if you would ever say goodbye

37:58

to your boyfriend by kissing him. on the cheek. The

38:01

time that I have done is right. I'm like, I

38:03

feel so weird, like, kissing him on the cheek. And

38:06

it's also a weird introduction to a person. That

38:08

used to be the thing you hug. It's like, no, why am

38:10

I kissing a stranger? Anyway, good luck

38:13

with your situation. Thank

38:15

you. Thank you. Let us

38:17

know if people come around. This is a

38:19

tricky one. Yeah, let us know when they

38:21

come around. That'd be an interesting timeline for

38:23

me to know about. Okay. All

38:26

right. Thank you so much. We can help other

38:28

callers with that. Thank you so much. Okay.

38:31

So we're going to take a break and come back. Yeah. Perfect.

38:34

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I can't

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Let's create. And

40:42

we're back. We have Jane and Johnny

40:44

calling in. Oh. We have a couple.

40:47

Oh. A couple. Oh, hi. Okay, great.

40:49

Let's go. So, Jane and Johnny

40:52

have a question. This comes from Jane. She originally

40:54

wrote in and Johnny is joining. So,

40:57

she says, dear Chelsea, I heard

40:59

you wanted to have a couple on and my husband and

41:01

I have two issues. First, I've just

41:04

entered my fifties and I suddenly feel

41:06

invisible. Within the family, I sometimes

41:08

feel I'm being excluded, even the dogs like

41:10

my husband better than me. In

41:12

particular, I have an 18-year-old stepdaughter who has

41:15

lately been kind of an ass and she's

41:17

coming home from college soon. While

41:19

I'm dreading it, my husband is very excited.

41:22

Specifically, she recently introduced only my husband to

41:24

her friends when we were at an event

41:26

standing next to each other and

41:28

failed to even send a text as thanks for

41:30

a gift I spent months preparing to send her

41:32

off to college with. Despite my best efforts to

41:34

be a loving, fun participant in my family, I'm

41:36

starting to feel like no one really likes me

41:39

or I'm majorly taking for granted. But is it

41:41

them or is it me? Much love,

41:43

Jane and Johnny. Hi.

41:46

Hi. Hello. Hello.

41:49

Look at you two cuties. I love this.

41:53

So, when I talked to you last, Johnny,

41:55

you were actually picking up your daughter

41:57

from school, right? Yes, I was. How's

41:59

that going? I

42:02

think pretty well. And Jane. It's

42:05

fine, you know, like on the surface, it's

42:07

fine. After about 10 months and

42:09

I'm not a numbers person. So

42:11

when I start recognizing patterns, there's

42:14

like a big one. I don't

42:16

matter. That's how I'm

42:18

feeling. Yeah, that that doesn't

42:20

feel good. What's her situation with her birth

42:22

mother? Oh, it's good. Yeah. They

42:24

have a good relationship. Correct. And

42:28

okay. Okay. What Johnny? What? They

42:30

have some challenges. They

42:33

have some challenges too. So what's your view

42:35

of the situation, Johnny? What do you think

42:37

is happening? Well, I feel like

42:39

put it in the middle and I'm

42:41

very, I think my daughter's

42:43

doing very well and I'm very proud of

42:45

her. But I know that, you

42:48

know, she can be a shit. She didn't

42:50

send a thank you note for the birthday

42:52

gift, which was rude. And she

42:54

didn't introduce her when we went to visitor

42:56

at college to her friends, which was very

42:59

awkward for me. And I, you know,

43:01

and I felt really bad. And did

43:03

you step in and introduce your wife

43:05

when that happened? Before I had a

43:07

chance, Jane jumped in. She

43:10

goes, Hey, everyone, this is my

43:12

dad. And then everyone said, Hey,

43:14

what's up? And then everyone was kind of looking over

43:16

at me. And I

43:18

said, I'm her stepmom. It

43:20

was very awkward. And then later, Johnny said,

43:23

you know, that was kind of weird. Why

43:25

wouldn't you? And she's like, I don't know,

43:27

like whatever. And it's

43:29

sort of how it read to me was

43:32

that it was more of

43:34

a reactive statement about how she feels

43:37

rather than a Miss Manner's moment that

43:39

didn't come to the surface. Yeah, it

43:41

sounds like to me, Johnny, that you

43:43

need to have a conversation with your

43:46

daughter just about general courteousness

43:48

and respect. Like this

43:50

is your wife. And I know you might be

43:52

dealing with a difficult personality, but these are skills

43:54

that she's going to need for the rest of

43:57

her life. So you're a conversation with her is

43:59

going to. more benefits than

44:01

it will initially, I'm sure. But down the

44:03

road, she will remember a meaningful conversation about

44:05

treating people with respect. Never mind

44:08

her stepmother who's in the house, you

44:10

know, with you every day. And

44:12

it is your job to have that conversation with her.

44:15

I did have a conversation about that particular

44:17

incident. And how did that go? It went

44:19

well. She felt really bad. She remembered it.

44:21

Oh. And then I said, well,

44:24

can you let Jane know?

44:26

And she's like, yes, I'm definitely going to.

44:29

But and then did she address it with you?

44:31

No, I'm assuming not. Yeah.

44:35

Right. That's good that you did

44:37

that. Thank you for being a

44:39

stand up, responsible man, father. Yes.

44:42

I don't want my daughter to be a jerk. No,

44:45

of course not. Yeah. No. And Jane,

44:47

I think there is a little

44:49

bit of a deeper issue. Some obviously lingering resentment

44:51

since like I know the gift was like at

44:53

the beginning when she went to school and she's

44:55

just back from school and you're still feeling kind

44:58

of nasty about it. So I

45:00

wonder if there's a way to kind of get

45:02

some positive vibes going there just to be like,

45:04

I'm going to be a bigger person. I'm going

45:06

to invite her on a little date. We'll go

45:08

out. Well, you know, whatever is sort of like

45:10

a really fun, special thing that two of you

45:13

can do together. And I think during that time,

45:15

if you want to address it after you've sort

45:17

of established some good rapport. But is that a

45:19

reality of you guys doing something together? Jane,

45:22

you and your stepdaughter. Oh, OK. And

45:24

that's great. I agree that I

45:26

have to rise up for this and

45:29

not be like, and your little dog too. You

45:31

know what I mean? I

45:33

can't like go down. But I don't think that

45:35

means ignore it. You know, I think, you know,

45:38

since you're still feeling yucky, I think you probably

45:40

should address it, but not like hi, you're back

45:42

from school. Let's deal with this yucky thing. Get

45:45

some good stuff going. Get some good juices flowing

45:47

there. And I also think maybe just let go

45:49

of the thank you for the gift for this

45:51

round. I think it's more important that she's introducing

45:53

you to people than writing you a thank you

45:56

note. Wait, I need to clarify, though, what that

45:58

was. It wasn't a birthday present. And it was,

46:00

I got her a

46:02

tackle box for going to college

46:04

and filled every slot with

46:07

special things for being in

46:09

her dorm for the first

46:11

semester and a really, really

46:14

well-crafted, thoughtful, meaningful note and

46:16

other gifts in there that

46:18

like she read the note and

46:20

she uses the stuff in it and never

46:22

acknowledged this very thoughtful gift that after giving

46:25

to her, like, I know she's on her

46:27

phone 20 hours a day, not even a

46:30

gift emoji with- You have to let go of that.

46:33

She is 18 years old and she is

46:35

in college and she is not thinking about

46:37

writing thank you cards to her stepmother. She

46:39

is about to embark on like the greatest

46:41

adventure of her life and she is. So

46:44

you have to let go of that. Girls

46:46

between 15 and like 20, fuck their manners.

46:48

Like they don't have them, you know? They're

46:50

all self-consumed and self-absorbed in everything that's happening

46:53

to them. So let go of the thank

46:55

you note, please. Just let go of it.

46:57

You don't have to revisit that. That would

46:59

be annoying for you to bring up. At

47:01

some point, I promise you, she will acknowledge that

47:03

you sent that to her at some point. So

47:06

asking for a thank you is not a good

47:08

way to deal with an 18 year old, I

47:10

don't think. But I do think if you have

47:13

the opportunity to spend time with her, spend as

47:15

much time with her as she'll allow you to

47:17

spend with her. As she'll allow you to spend

47:19

with her. You know, like do it as much

47:21

as you can because you can't tell somebody that

47:23

you're valuable. They have to understand your value and

47:26

you know what I mean? And

47:28

I think for you, Johnny, you can even be more demonstrative

47:31

of your appreciation and adoration

47:34

of your wife in front of your daughter so

47:36

that she understands how important she is to you. That

47:39

is a very good point. I

47:42

realize I have not been doing

47:44

that enough. There you

47:46

go. I love that. Like if you get to the

47:48

point of being affectionate and your kids

47:50

are like, eww, that's when you know when

47:52

you're doing okay, you're doing perfect. Make

47:54

sure she knows how much you

47:56

like your wife. Nevermind love, but

47:58

like and respect. and

48:01

how much you like an adoration of

48:03

your wife in front of your daughter

48:05

so that she understands how important she

48:07

is to you. That is a

48:10

very good point. I

48:12

realize I have not been doing that

48:14

enough. There you go. I love

48:16

that. Like if you get to the point

48:19

of being affectionate and your kids are like,

48:21

eww, that's when you know when you're doing

48:23

okay. You're doing perfect. You want to make

48:25

sure she knows how much you like your

48:28

wife. Never mind love, but like and respect

48:31

and how much you like and

48:33

respect each other. Yeah,

48:35

that's awesome advice. Yeah, I love that. So don't

48:37

try and have sex or anything in front of

48:40

her. That's not what we're talking about. You know,

48:42

they're all self-consumed and self-absorbed in everything that's happening

48:44

to them. So let go of the thank you

48:46

note, please. Just let go of it. You don't

48:48

have to revisit that. That would be annoying for

48:50

you to bring up. At some point, I promise

48:52

you, she will acknowledge that you sent that to

48:54

her at some point. So asking for

48:57

a thank you is not a good way to

48:59

deal with an 18-year-old, I don't think. But I

49:01

do think if you have the opportunity to spend

49:03

time with her, spend as much time with her

49:05

as she'll allow you to spend with her.

49:08

As she'll allow you to spend. You know,

49:10

like do it as much as you can

49:12

because you can't tell somebody that you're valuable.

49:14

They have to understand your value. And

49:16

you know what I mean? And I

49:18

think for you, Johnny, you can even

49:20

be more demonstrative of your appreciation and

49:22

adoration of your wife in front of

49:25

your daughter. So that she understands how

49:27

important she is to you. That

49:29

is a very good point. I

49:32

realize I have not been doing

49:34

that enough. There you go. I love

49:36

that. Like if you get to the

49:38

point of being affectionate and your kids

49:40

are like, eww, that's when you know

49:42

when you're doing okay. You're doing perfect.

49:44

You want to make sure she knows

49:46

how much you like your wife. Nevermind

49:48

love, but like and respect. And

49:51

how much you like and respect

49:53

each other. Yeah, that's

49:55

awesome advice. Yeah, I love that. Don't try and have sex or

49:57

anything in front of her. That's not what we're talking about. guys.

50:00

All right, Johnny, I can

50:02

tell by your background what you're thinking about right now. Boy,

50:07

that took a turn. Well,

50:11

this was fucking awesome, you guys. I love

50:14

the couples. Yeah, this was great. Thank you,

50:16

Johnny, for being so open minded and coming

50:18

on the podcast in the first place. Good

50:20

for you. Thanks, Johnny. You for having me.

50:23

You're a real man. Way to go. Yeah,

50:25

you two are really cute. So thanks for

50:27

joining us. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

50:29

Good luck. That was fun.

50:31

Yeah, super fun. That was great. Great call.

50:33

I love that. Couples. Yeah, let's bring it

50:35

on. Okay, well, that was a great episode.

50:38

I love the way that ended. And if

50:40

you're a couple out there, do not forget

50:42

to convince your husband to come on. See

50:44

how gentle I was with him? She was

50:46

so nice. Yes, it's easy. It's

50:48

pleasant and it's fun. Or

50:50

if you're having problems with your friends,

50:52

I like that too. Yes, friendship ones.

50:54

Actually, friendships. A couple soon too. Sisters

50:57

is good. Yeah, sisters is good. This

50:59

is just really good. All right, everybody,

51:01

get your tickets at Chelsea. heather.com. If you're coming to see

51:03

me on the road. And other than that, I'll see you

51:05

next week. Okay, so

51:07

upcoming shows that I have you guys,

51:10

Auckland, New Zealand, Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne,

51:12

Australia, Brisbane, Australia, Sydney, Australia, we've added

51:14

second shows to places that have sold

51:17

out the first. And then I'm going

51:19

to be in Hawaii on Maui, Kahului,

51:22

and Honolulu. I will be there in

51:24

July. Also in July, I'm coming to

51:26

Niagara Falls on July 27th. I'm coming

51:28

to Hollywood, Florida for my only show

51:30

in Florida on July 28th. I'll

51:32

be in Auburn, Washington on August 1st.

51:34

And then Santa Rosa, California for my

51:37

second show, August 2nd. August 17th

51:39

is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You

51:41

do not want to miss that.

51:43

And then I will be all

51:45

over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston,

51:47

South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas.

51:49

I'm coming to St. Louis and

51:51

Kansas City. I'm coming to Brooklyn,

51:53

New York at the King's Theatre

51:56

on November 8th. And

51:58

I have tickets on sale throughout. at

52:00

the end of the year in

52:02

December. So if you're in a

52:04

city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or

52:07

San Diego or New Orleans or

52:09

Omaha, check chelseahandler.com for

52:11

tickets. Okay. If you'd

52:13

like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an

52:15

email at dear chelseapodcast.gmail.com and be sure

52:17

to include your phone number. Dear

52:20

Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad

52:22

Dickert, executive producer, Catherine Law. And be

52:25

sure to check out our merch at

52:27

chelseahandler.com. Thinking

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of popping the question? Diamonds Direct is

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