0:03

Hello and welcome to Dear Haggant John. Or

0:05

as I prefer to think of it, Dear John

0:07

and Hank. It's a podcast where two brothers answer

0:10

your questions, give you to be suffice, and bring

0:12

you all the week's news from both Mars and

0:14

A.S.C. Wimbledon. John, do

0:16

you know why teachers fart

0:19

but only when there's just one single

0:21

student in the room? No.

0:24

Because when that happens, they're private tutors. Thanks.

0:28

Thanks very much. I don't know why that one got

0:30

me. I got it, everybody. It wasn't

0:32

a good joke, but it got me. For whatever

0:34

reason. Well, yeah, I've been doing stand-up comedy for

0:37

the last week, so my delivery is very good.

0:40

That's right. Your timing and your pacing have gotten

0:42

better. So now, are you in

0:44

that situation that Mike Birbiglia is in, where

0:46

he can say something to me, and if

0:48

he wants it to be funny, it'll be

0:50

funny, regardless of whether it's funny? Yeah,

0:53

it's like a little spell that certain comedians

0:55

can cast. I don't think I can do

0:57

that. But I am in like, tell jokes

0:59

all the time mode. Yeah,

1:02

that's great. I love it, man. I want you

1:04

to continue to be a stand-up comic, and I

1:06

want to be your opening act, but I don't

1:08

want to be like a comedian opening act.

1:10

I want to be like a real downer. Yeah,

1:13

I want to set the mood, be like, we're

1:15

going to have a good time tonight, but first.

1:17

But not yet. This world is

1:19

not just. No, we're going to

1:21

start out with the Harvey essay

1:24

from The Anthropocene Review. That

1:27

sounds great, actually. I love to

1:29

go on tour with you again. That would

1:31

too. That would be so fun. I miss doing it.

1:35

Hey, I think I get

1:37

to announce something today. Oh,

1:39

I know what it is. I don't think

1:41

you do. Do I not know what it is

1:43

at all? It's that the Turtles

1:45

All the Way Down movie, I think is going to

1:47

come out, and

1:49

I'm going to be at the

1:52

SCAD TV. Okay, that's the

1:54

thing that exists. It's a TV

1:56

festival. I'm going to be there with Hannah Marks, the

1:58

director of the movie. Yeah, I think

2:00

they named it SCAD because it's maybe at

2:02

the Savannah College of Art and Design, but

2:04

it might be in Atlanta. It's in Georgia.

2:08

SCAD is right close to a lot of

2:10

words that I don't love. Where

2:13

the SCAD TV Fest is in

2:15

Savannah, it looks like. So

2:18

go to the SCAD TV Fest, get

2:20

your tickets, get your pass, come see

2:22

me, it'll be fun. I think you

2:24

get to see part of the movie.

2:27

And oh, but not the whole movie. I don't

2:29

actually know, Hank. John's got

2:31

an announcement. He does not know

2:33

the contents of the announcement. Dude,

2:35

I found this out 45 seconds

2:37

ago from Peyton, our TikTok colleague.

2:41

And she was like, are you doing this?

2:43

And I said yes, but I don't think it's been

2:45

announced. And she was like, well, here are

2:47

the tickets. So it's apparently happening. Announce

2:50

them up for you. Yeah, great. Okay. And

2:53

the most exciting thing is that The Turtles All the Way Down

2:55

movie is going to come out. It's going to come out. In

2:57

2017, so many of you have been kind

3:00

about it and generous about it. And

3:02

they made a movie. The movie is incredible. But

3:06

for complicated reasons involving

3:08

movie studios and whatnot, it's

3:10

taken a while to come out. But

3:13

it's finally coming out. I mean, like, I don't know

3:15

if I can say this, but John just sent me

3:17

a link to the movie and I got to watch

3:19

it. How was it? It's

3:21

great. Yeah, it's very, very

3:23

pokey in the field. It's funny in

3:25

times. It's great. I

3:28

think it's the best. I don't know. I

3:30

really love it. I don't want to judge. I don't

3:32

want to pick a favorite child. But I love it.

3:35

Features a video from Master of Microscopes,

3:37

James Weiss from Journey to the Microcosmos.

3:39

Very cool. Journey to the Microcosmos plays

3:41

a surprisingly large role in the film.

3:45

There's also a bunch of Nerdfighter in references. I

3:50

won't spoil the best one, but there's one that

3:52

will absolutely make you burst into tears. Oh,

3:54

gosh. Yeah. All

3:57

right, Hank, let's answer some questions from our listeners if

3:59

that's OK. Yeah. I'd be happy to do that.

4:01

Let's start with this one from a six-year-old listener.

4:04

I think this person is anonymous, but they wrote in

4:06

and said, why do people have butts? Oh,

4:10

there's a bunch of reasons. Depends on what you mean. There's

4:13

two different butts, which I think

4:15

that people don't get this. Yeah.

4:19

Yes, there's the part of the butt where the poop comes out. Yep.

4:23

And we call that the butt, but that's not the butt. That's

4:25

not the butt. We call that the butt, but that's

4:27

not the butt. Right. Yep.

4:30

And then there's the butt, which is two big lumps

4:34

of muscle and flesh. And

4:37

in your opinion, that's the butt. That's the butt.

4:39

That's what you picture when you hear butt. Yeah.

4:42

Yeah. Would you include the crack in

4:44

that? The crack is like a donut hole.

4:47

It is a negative space. So

4:49

you have a

4:52

donut, and there's a hole in the middle of the donut,

4:54

but the hole is not a part of the donut. It

4:57

is a shape that is created by the donut. The crack

4:59

is a shape that is created by the butt. Respectful

5:02

disagree. Really? Why? Do

5:05

you think the butt crack exists? Yeah,

5:08

I think the butt crack exists. I don't

5:10

even think that's a particularly controversial thing. Yeah,

5:12

well, I think so. If you asked 100

5:14

Americans, does the butt crack exist? 100

5:16

Americans would say yes. The hole

5:18

in the donut also exists. Yeah.

5:21

But it's not a physical thing. You

5:23

can't put it in your mouth. Well,

5:27

I mean, if you want to go there, I

5:30

don't think we should. But

5:33

I think that bolsters my argument. At

5:36

any rate, I think

5:38

that the butt is everything. I

5:41

think the butt includes the butt hole. You

5:43

think the butt includes the butt hole? Absolutely.

5:46

I disagree. No, that's part of the

5:48

butt. Nope. So all part of

5:50

the butt. The hips are part of the butt. The

5:53

butt extends from the hips all

5:55

the way back and includes everything in

5:58

that area. In

6:00

any way, it's not helping answer the question.

6:02

I can answer the question why the butthole

6:04

exists very easily, which is it? Yeah, no,

6:06

but that's not the question. The question is

6:08

why do people have butts? Yeah so

6:12

so, uh because If

6:14

you look at like so we need muscles to

6:16

move our bodies around and uh as We

6:20

went upright from being sort of like bent

6:22

over and walking on all fours We

6:25

needed a sort of special set of muscles and

6:27

the the sort of optimal way for those muscles

6:29

to work looks like a butt Oh

6:32

Like you would design it that way if you could

6:35

make us from scratch I don't

6:37

know about that. But as as if you if

6:39

you start out with the things working on all

6:41

fours Uh-huh, and you you're

6:43

like, okay, we need this thing to be on

6:45

two legs Yeah, you would get a butt if

6:47

you if you were to design that change optimally

6:50

you end up with a butt That's

6:52

interesting and and it is I would argue

6:54

it is the place where the two legs

6:56

come together at the top Right.

6:59

And so butt is part of the legs which

7:01

we've been over this We've been

7:03

over this and most of my physician friends

7:05

agree with you Although interestingly some disagree with

7:08

you. So this is not something where all

7:10

the doctors have settled in a painting I

7:12

had a conversation with uh, some folks who

7:14

use uh weights uh to get

7:17

strong and yeah, and they agree that it

7:19

is also part of the legs because there's uh,

7:21

there's Uh, what you do butt on

7:23

leg day Yeah, you cover it

7:25

on leg day. Yeah for sure now some people

7:27

have their own special butt day But most people

7:29

cover it on leg day. Yeah Okay,

7:32

that's actually what that u2 song is about You

7:35

you think it's his accent. It sounds like beautiful

7:37

day, but he's saying it's a but a full

7:39

day because it's very full of butts God

7:42

that's see now that's not funny. No, it would

7:44

have killed on stage Did

7:47

you use that joke on stage? It killed

7:49

on stage. Yes. Absolutely. You used that that

7:51

yeah No, I had that one in my

7:53

show. I wrote that joke years ago Yeah,

7:56

and and so it just happened to go. No

7:58

john. No, I did not Okay,

8:00

I was like because if that joke

8:02

killed on stage I am deeply concerned

8:04

about your material that didn't land I

8:08

think you might have had the most generous audience

8:10

in the history of the world. It's wonderful. I Don't

8:13

I listen I don't dislike it as a pun.

8:16

It's just more of a visual pun. I think

8:18

yeah I don't know. It's not

8:20

great. It's what I'm saying. I agree people

8:22

have butts so that we can stand Did

8:24

we explain why you're different? Oh Right,

8:27

I sound different because I'm recording on my phone

8:29

and I'm recording on my phone because my computer

8:31

has rejected My microphone

8:34

and Hank thinks this is part of

8:36

some broader failure of mine, but I

8:38

don't agree I think I'm fine.

8:40

Well, I'm doing okay part of this conversation

8:42

six. I'm not a Kelsey brother. Okay, I

8:45

can't have a fancy Camera

8:47

set up with and looking really handsome

8:49

with my perfect beard and staring into

8:51

the camera and having excellent audio quality

8:54

Okay, I'm not a mumbin bam brother.

8:56

All right, I'm not a professional

8:58

podcaster I'm a green brother and that

9:00

means that I'm everything is gonna be

9:02

a little dubious a little suboptimal I

9:04

I agree that we're not gonna get

9:07

there with you where we get

9:09

to have a video podcast where there's good video I

9:12

think we could get there, but I think we'd have to have

9:14

somebody come in and install it Yeah,

9:16

I'd like to have a video podcast with you.

9:18

That sounds fun Oh, well, that's great news because

9:20

I would also love for our podcast to have

9:22

a video element I think a bigger concern is

9:25

that I I knew this in

9:28

my head But I did I had never said

9:30

it out loud that you edit video on a

9:32

trackpad on a laptop Yeah,

9:34

how are you gonna do it with a number

9:36

of tools? I have a device

9:39

John No, you know about

9:41

my device. I have a device I do you

9:43

got that little you got that little scrolly thing

9:45

You know, you can edit a vlogbrothers video and

9:47

less time than it takes you to record a

9:49

vlogbrothers video But I enjoy my Tuesday mornings I

9:51

like I write the video on Monday night

9:53

and then on Tuesday morning I wake up

9:55

I record between 740 and 830 and then

9:58

I edit for three

10:00

hours even though it's a four minute video. I'm

10:02

not worried about your time. And all it has

10:04

is jump cuts. I'm worried about your fingers. I'm

10:06

worried about your forearms. I'm worried about your repetitive

10:08

stress injuries. No, those are

10:10

great. Are you kidding? That's the only place where I'm

10:13

healthy. I've signed my name 700,000 times. I feel great

10:15

in the elbow. Yeah, I got those beefy arms. Yeah,

10:19

I'm ripped. I'm like a rock climber.

10:21

I'm like Alex Honnold. You know what?

10:23

Hey, let's answer this question from Dylan.

10:25

Okay. This one says, Dear strangers, I've listened

10:27

to talk for over 100 hours. I'm a delivery

10:29

driver for a pizza chain and I deliver to

10:31

a lot of houses. And a lot of those

10:34

houses have animals. And these animals sometimes run out

10:36

when the people answer the door. When an animal

10:38

runs out, what do I do as a pizza

10:40

delivery driver? Do I go after the animal? Do

10:42

I stand there and hope that it just like

10:44

comes back? Do I throw the pizza into the

10:46

house and run back to my car? All

10:49

dubious advice is appreciated. Chillin' like a villain

10:51

and hoping to make a kill in Dylan.

10:53

I think you pretend it didn't happen. No,

10:55

yeah. You just let the head let it

10:57

go. Yeah.

11:00

And then if they're like, Hey, did you

11:02

see my dog? You're like, Yeah, I think

11:05

so. I saw a dog leave this house,

11:07

but I don't know for sure if it's

11:09

your dog. Do you think you get real

11:11

semantic with them? People love that when their

11:13

dog is lost. I think you got to

11:15

get good at lasso. Oh, now

11:18

that's pretty good. Now that I'll tell you

11:20

what, if you want to double your tip

11:23

lasso my dog as he runs out

11:25

of the house. Yeah. You got to have

11:27

one of those stiff ropes just on your

11:30

belt loop. Yep. Just pop it off

11:32

and wow. Yeah. I

11:34

think you have to know. Do you have to

11:36

say yeehaw when you're when

11:39

the lasso is exiting your hand? You know, when you're

11:41

doing the throat, you have to say yeehaw. I don't

11:43

think it's a law. Or can

11:46

you say chihuahua? Chihuahua.

11:49

Because I think it's best if you say the

11:51

name of the animal as you're doing it for

11:53

sure. Like my dog potato

11:55

is a Lugoto Roman Yolo, which I know.

11:57

That sounds like a rope. That's

12:01

my point. If potato is running out

12:03

the door and the delivery driver says,

12:05

legoto Roman YOLO and froze that lasso,

12:07

I mean that is very impressive. Especially

12:10

if you catch it on the Ring

12:12

cam and you can send it in

12:14

as a TikTok. Yes. It's going to

12:16

blow up on Reddit. And

12:19

then you got to be like, look, in exchange for having

12:21

lassoed your dog, I do need you to email me the

12:23

file. Right. And then you

12:25

become a professional lassoing escaped

12:28

dogs TikTok influencer, which

12:31

I bet is a job. That's the

12:33

point. Yeah. I mean, it's at least for six

12:35

months. As long as

12:37

those videos last longer than a minute, you're going to

12:39

get some serious ad revenue. Maybe

12:43

it's just good for the company. And

12:46

then you're going to add so much value through

12:48

the dog lassoing that they'll promote you to owner

12:50

and they'll just give you the company. Dominoes will

12:52

make you the CEO of Dominoes. They'll be like,

12:55

this is the guy we've been waiting for. I

12:58

love it. I love it. But then you'll find

13:00

out that you don't actually want to be the CEO of Dominoes. You

13:04

know, I started out lassoing dogs

13:06

and now I just manage people all

13:08

day. I'm always in meetings. I

13:11

haven't gotten to use my lasso in years

13:13

and I am one of the world's leading

13:16

experts in dog lasso. Yeah. Yeah. I

13:20

also like the idea of turning the dog over and

13:22

just hog tying it. It's like right around the feet.

13:24

You're like, eh, where's that? Oh, like the, like, yeah,

13:26

right. I don't know if people have stopped. I don't

13:28

know if people have been to rodeos, but that's what

13:30

happens. Yeah,

13:32

that might've been a Montana specific joke, but I liked

13:35

it. Thanks. Hey, I got another question

13:37

for you, Hank. Okay. All right. This question comes

13:39

from anonymous Hank who writes, hi guys, I'm turning

13:41

30 at the end of this year and on

13:43

the whole, I feel pretty okay about it. I'd

13:45

rather turn 30 than not turn 30, you know,

13:47

but this birthday has got me thinking, have most

13:49

people been 30? I don't mean most people alive

13:51

right now. I mean, like all the humans that

13:54

have ever lived, did most of them get to

13:56

be 30? Now that I've thought about this, I

13:58

can't get the question off my mind. So

14:00

any dubious answers are greatly appreciated

14:03

30 soon and thriving hopefully anonymous.

14:05

Well, interestingly most people

14:07

on earth Don't

14:10

quite know or close to it's

14:12

very close But maybe like less

14:14

than somewhat close to but less

14:16

than 50% of people on earth don't

14:19

know what it's like to be 30 Currently

14:21

what is that? The the

14:23

median human age at the moment

14:25

is around 30. Yeah And

14:29

but it is going on. Yeah. Yeah, I think it is

14:31

definitely going up the

14:33

answer to the question is Not

14:37

only have most people never been

14:39

30 most people have probably

14:41

never been 20 Yeah, I

14:43

think most people never got like

14:46

21 you've outlived the median human

14:50

So we think the median human with to

14:52

be around 19 now This is

14:54

because or it could have been 15 the most

14:56

common age at death Yeah,

14:59

or no, not common. The most common age of death

15:01

was always until like a

15:04

few years ago It was you know between zero

15:06

and five Yeah,

15:08

or between zero and one probably Yeah,

15:13

the most common age of death

15:15

historically is early childhood But

15:18

in terms of how long the

15:20

median life lasted Probably

15:23

teens because we lost just under half

15:25

of people before the age of five

15:29

And then five to fifteen is another

15:31

kind of bad time historically 15

15:34

to say 45

15:38

a little bit better. This is actually one

15:40

of the reasons why tuberculosis was had such

15:42

a unique place in human society Classically

15:45

is because it was called the robber of

15:47

youth It was seen as the disease that

15:50

struck when diseases weren't supposed

15:52

to strike Because it

15:54

mostly killed young adults like it mostly

15:56

killed people in the so-called prime of

15:58

life And

16:01

there's this ongoing myth, Hank,

16:03

that drives me crazy, where people say

16:05

the only reason why life

16:08

expectancy is longer than it used to be

16:10

is because it used to be that almost

16:12

half of kids died and now child death

16:14

is much more rare. Which like,

16:16

first off, that's good news. That's a contributor.

16:19

That's a, yeah, that's a big thing. It's

16:22

the lion's share of why life

16:24

is longer. And I would argue.

16:26

Great. Great. Like,

16:30

super underrated. Seems good.

16:32

Yeah. Job best. But

16:35

also, your

16:37

median life expectancy at age 10 was

16:41

significantly lower than it is

16:43

now. Yeah. 20, 30, 40,

16:45

50, 60. Everywhere. All the way up. There was no time

16:47

of life that it wasn't worse. Yeah. In

16:49

every way in 1800. Yeah,

16:52

no, I mean, until

16:55

very recently, like within the last 10 or

16:57

20 years, the most common age

16:59

at death for a human was

17:02

between zero and five. And

17:04

when it switched, it didn't switch to like

17:06

between five and 10. It

17:08

switched to like between 80 and

17:11

85 is now on earth the

17:14

most common age at death, which is not how

17:16

we think. Now, of course, there's lots of people

17:18

dying all over the place throughout that entire lifespan.

17:20

And there's lots of people in their 60s, 70s

17:23

who are dying. But like worldwide, the

17:25

most common age at death, certainly

17:27

not the majority of the deaths, but the most common age

17:29

at death is in the 80s. Yeah.

17:33

And that's a pretty big shift all of a sudden to

17:36

have it go from zero to 80. Would

17:39

you take that? Take what? 80.

17:42

I'd take 80. I wouldn't have taken 80 last year. Really?

17:48

Yeah, no, last year, like my- First

17:50

off, that was your first mistake. No,

17:53

because in the- Dude, that's a great,

17:55

that's a great joke. Pause and appreciate

17:57

how dark that joke is. You.

18:01

That York is dark as. Of.

18:06

That city. With

18:09

but. But but like the most

18:11

common a to death for someone like

18:13

me and my country. Is.

18:15

Enduring these. Now. I

18:17

understand idea what I'm saying. like

18:19

you take a daring if you

18:21

take a guaranteed eighty all day

18:23

cause it's guaranteed. Yeah. I'll

18:26

take a risk until. I.

18:28

Have a bunch of risk factors that make it less likely

18:30

that I'm going to make it a ninety. Of

18:33

the sales. Also, die

18:36

would I'm so I would supersede eighty right

18:38

now. I would take a I would pay

18:40

for a d I would. I'll

18:43

climb of Iowa clara her mountain for eighty.

18:46

Yeah. I'm. I.

18:49

Think you'll have to be eighty? I think

18:51

there's a good chance. Antenna.

18:53

Counting on it personally because I'm planning

18:55

to move to be a down and

18:58

I'd like to go. Guides. I'd

19:00

like you to have a solid two

19:02

years of morning. Yeah, before I go

19:04

I think it again as they are

19:06

hungry she'll lay down and are hospice

19:08

bed next to each other. Our podcast

19:10

until oblivion. His. Stab.

19:17

Identified guess we'll have faith in God. Dear

19:19

John and Higgs are so forth I'm looking

19:22

for the will of God that's original name

19:24

that we will remember either. Ah would you

19:26

like will be like the last people doing

19:29

with like the equivalent of being the last

19:31

person doing a radio drama on a team

19:33

for styles it'll be like twenty sixty and

19:35

will still be make months and people will

19:38

be like man this is amazing. Like these

19:40

guys still sound like I was lose Yes

19:42

the really weird thing is that Leon Muscle

19:44

actually be a bigger deal with you. On

19:47

must sit in that and twenty sixty. Ah,

19:50

Lena's we will have created must take the

19:52

younger on that created him in a laboratory

19:54

that he you see on T V. Yeah

19:56

very powerful. They. could you

19:58

could tell ya imagine Could you imagine

20:01

just a billionaire who with

20:04

just tremendous influence over a lot of humans

20:06

who just cares about Earth, wants

20:08

to make... He's just hardcore

20:10

pro-Earth, but he's also a

20:12

little bit anti-other places. I

20:15

could see that going wrong. I mean, the problem is

20:17

that no amount, like that amount of power shouldn't be

20:20

invested in any individual. And I can say that as

20:22

an individual with a lot of power, I feel like,

20:24

because like I have way too much. Way

20:26

too much. It's not healthy. It's not good for

20:28

me. It's not good for the world. And

20:31

like I have, what do you think? One

20:33

billionth the power of Elon Musk? Well,

20:35

John, you can make it go away real quick.

20:39

I can't make Elon Musk's power go away believing I tried. No,

20:42

you can definitely make your power go away. I

20:44

know. I've thought about it, but

20:46

then I'm like, oh, but I like it.

20:48

And all the easy ways you don't come

20:51

out reputationally neutral. Oh,

20:53

you mean like I could make it go away by

20:55

like committing a major crime. Yeah. You

20:58

could have a bunch of opinions that

21:00

you don't actually have. Yeah. Ooh,

21:03

I could try to have new opinions. Yeah, you could.

21:06

That's what Elon Musk did. Yeah, you could get a whole

21:08

new audience really fast. That's true. And

21:11

a way worse one. And they seem so nice. You

21:19

know, it would be hilarious if I was like, if

21:21

one day I came on the podcast and I was

21:23

like, y'all have thought about it a lot and I

21:26

support Milton Keynes. That

21:32

might do it on a go. I was trying to remember

21:34

what economist that is. The

21:41

worst one of them all. Is

21:45

there an economist his last name is Keems or

21:47

something like that? Yeah, John Maynard Keynes. And there's

21:49

also one whose first name is Milton. Milton Fieden.

21:51

Okay, I get it now. That's

21:53

why they named it that time. You were on track, man.

21:56

Yeah. Is that why that's such a

21:58

bad town? Because it's just a kind of... Yeah,

22:02

it is actually it's like a planned city, you know,

22:06

but so is we need more of those in this place.

22:08

Why don't we make more cities? Well,

22:10

we planned we planned Milton Keynes really poorly.

22:13

Yeah, but we've learned better now and we

22:15

can build the line I'm

22:17

in favor of it John this next question. It

22:19

comes from Audrey who asks Hi Hank and John

22:22

John and Hank I need some help with an

22:24

issue that is more serious I'm 26 years old

22:26

and I have a problem drinking. I

22:29

know I should say this to my therapist But

22:31

for some reason I'm embarrassed to even tell him

22:33

when I start to drink at a party with

22:35

friends I often not always but many times seem

22:37

to go overboard It's heard a

22:39

lot of important relationships in my life And I don't

22:41

even know where to start if there's alcohol

22:44

around in a social setting I cannot help

22:46

but have some I don't feel the need

22:48

to drink all the time But I know

22:50

I can't keep this up if you have

22:52

any advice or suggestions I'm overwhelmed with some

22:54

shame and guilt and I would appreciate any

22:56

help you can offer Sorry, it's a little

22:58

sad and dark, but I feel mighty lost

23:01

and I just want to stop disappointing people.

23:03

It's really hard Thank you, Audrey.

23:06

Yeah, so I think you know Mental

23:09

health disorders like substance abuse

23:12

use disorders are often Really

23:15

highly stigmatized Audrey and

23:17

some of the shame And

23:19

guilt that you feel is because of disappointing

23:21

people you love and some of it is

23:24

probably also because You

23:26

know you're going through something that's

23:28

highly stigmatized It's like so stigmatized that you're afraid

23:30

to even tell the person in your life who

23:32

you look to for mental health support about it

23:34

Yeah, I literally cannot legally tell anybody else.

23:37

Yeah, but that's like that's the social orders

23:39

fault, right? Like Not

23:42

to make everything about tuberculosis But like TV is

23:44

the same way a lot of times like people

23:46

are are really afraid to disclose

23:48

their their Even

23:51

their symptoms because they know what it

23:53

might mean for their

23:55

social standing And

23:57

Also it is really hard as you say. Ah,

24:01

I. Would really encourage you to tell

24:04

your therapist this is somebody who

24:06

can. Reveal anything about

24:08

you or this ah, somebody

24:11

who hopefully you can you

24:13

can trust. I'm. And.

24:17

It's hard work getting sober. But.

24:20

I will say in my experience

24:22

having loved a lot of people

24:24

in my life who live with

24:26

substance use problems, I'm it doesn't

24:28

tend to get better. Yeah, it

24:30

doesn't tend to. you know? You

24:34

say I know I can keep

24:36

this up as gonna ask you

24:39

know it to get worse and

24:41

worse and worse and worse and

24:43

I'm until you you find a

24:45

boon I'm hopefully so I would

24:47

just encourage you to talk to

24:50

somebody and is it makes sense

24:52

for you. There you are. You

24:54

know their meetings of silver people?

24:56

there's I'm. Is where where

24:58

you can go and you can talk

25:00

about sobriety and some of those meetings

25:03

are a A meetings and other those

25:05

meetings or involve other organizations on you

25:07

know that that's where it starts I

25:09

think for most people I know and

25:11

was who are sober today on. It.

25:14

It happened because they made that

25:16

commitment but also because they they're

25:18

in a community as of sober

25:20

people who can share the. The

25:23

journey with them. I.

25:26

Think he can. I think you can get

25:28

well and I think keep is you know

25:30

the first step literally and figuratively is recognizing

25:33

to you you have a problem and that's

25:35

where you are and now it's time to

25:37

take the next step. So I hope you

25:39

do that today. I think that the thing

25:42

that you said in there. Is

25:44

that like you recognize that it's had an

25:46

M by going negative impact on people around

25:48

you and like, yeah, that? I get that

25:50

point. That's. A problem And like

25:52

you need to talk to people about the problem.

25:56

Yeah. Yeah,

25:58

but I know it's hard. I know it's hard. I

26:00

just think today's the day. Yeah. And

26:03

if you wanna get sober the weirdest way, you

26:05

can get chemotherapy, and now I cannot enjoy alcohol

26:07

for some reason. Really? I

26:09

hate it. Every time I

26:11

have drunk, since I finished chemo, I'm like,

26:14

ugh. Yeah,

26:18

I don't, there's a great Seth Rogan

26:21

joke that I think about

26:23

a lot, where he said the thing about alcohol is

26:25

that the marketing is so good, you forget that it

26:27

sucks. The marketing is so good. Marketing

26:29

is incredible. I will look at a bottle of whiskey, even

26:32

having had six drinks since chemo and not enjoyed

26:34

it a single time, I will look at a

26:36

bottle of whiskey and be like, I desperately want

26:39

that elixir of life. I want

26:41

that potion in my body. And

26:43

then I put it in and I'm like, wow,

26:45

this tastes just like the poison that gave me.

26:49

This just feels like the time I got

26:51

poisoned professionally. Part of

26:53

what's so weird is that

26:56

everybody responds to different drugs differently.

26:59

And the way Audrey's responding to it,

27:01

of course, is very different from that way. But

27:05

yeah, it's so, it's

27:10

so impossible to say no to for

27:12

people who are in that position. And

27:15

I know it must be impossible because I see what they

27:17

give up. So

27:20

yeah, it's a personal thing for me. And

27:22

yeah, it's

27:25

just, it's hard, but I will say

27:27

like, there is hope. I

27:30

know a lot of people who have really fulfilling

27:33

lives in

27:36

sobriety. So

27:40

anyway, I wish you the best. Okay,

27:42

Hank, we're gonna transition away from

27:45

serious stuff to Zaden's question. Zaden

27:47

is nine and listens to

27:49

the podcast with Zaden's moms

27:51

and says, I have a science question. When the

27:53

leaves on trees change color in the fall, some

27:56

trees change color on one side before the other.

27:58

So one side is orange and the other. is

28:00

still green. Why and why only some

28:02

trees sincerely Zaden. Zaden, I have wondered

28:04

this for years and I hope Hank

28:06

can tell us. I mean it's probably

28:09

microclimate. So it's probably like, like there

28:11

is something that is making one side

28:13

of the tree warmer or making one

28:17

side of the tree see more light. See

28:19

is not the right word, but like be

28:21

hit by more light. And

28:23

there's I've seen an example of this where

28:25

there's like a tree growing near a street

28:27

lamp and

28:29

like the area around the street lamp is warmer. And

28:32

so like the tree is like fall

28:34

is everywhere except for here. And it's

28:37

not quite fall here yet, but

28:39

it's fall on the whole rest of the tree. Yeah.

28:42

And so I think that's what it's what. And

28:44

so like if you're near to a building, that

28:47

building can get warmed by the sun and then

28:49

that side of the tree will feel the radiation

28:51

from the building. That

28:53

is when I have seen it. It's usually to do

28:56

with warmth rather than light. It's a

28:58

fire that burns with more heat than light. I

29:00

don't know what it is. That's

29:03

a Shakespeare. There's Shakespeare, I hope a fire that burns

29:05

with more light than heat. And I've tried to use

29:07

that in every single book I've ever written. I've inserted

29:09

it into all. I even inserted it into my book

29:11

about tuberculosis. And I was like, no, it doesn't work.

29:13

I feel like you wanted to have a book called

29:15

more light than heat. Like that was your rich. I

29:17

did. I still, I want to call every book I

29:20

write more light than heat. I want to call this

29:22

book about tuberculosis more light than heat. It's

29:24

a great title. Yeah. I

29:26

mean, are you kidding? A book about tuberculosis called

29:29

more life than heat. That's going to sell millions

29:31

of copies. It could also be a great name

29:33

for a book about the history of artificial

29:35

lighting, which has been the process of getting to

29:38

more light than heat. Now our lights use way

29:40

more light than heat. And originally they produced

29:44

way more heat than light because we were

29:46

just burning. There you go, Hank. Now that may be

29:48

that's my next major project. I'll do it with you

29:50

and I'll, and I'll write jokes. I'll write the joke

29:52

parts. I love it. I

29:55

love it. What I love most about that

29:57

is that I've only written one book with

29:59

a Shakespeare title. and it sold 30

30:01

million copies. And I think if

30:03

I wrote another book with the Shakespeare table that was

30:05

about the evolution of artificial

30:07

light to develop more light than

30:09

heat, it would sell another 30 million

30:12

copies. Absolutely. And I

30:14

would finally be happy. I would finally feel

30:16

fulfilled. I would feel like I did something

30:18

in this world. My psychiatrist yesterday

30:20

was like, I hope you take some time to

30:23

just, you know, recognize that you have helped people. And

30:25

I was like, shut up. God. Yeah.

30:28

So annoying. I'm going to take zero

30:31

seconds to do that. I was hanging

30:33

out with a friend of mine in

30:35

San Diego and her dad is like

30:37

an emergency, like an ER

30:39

doctor, like an emergency situation doctor. Unlike

30:43

me, somebody who actually helps people. And

30:45

he's a fan of mine. And

30:47

while we were hanging out, texted her and said, it

30:49

occurs to me that he may have saved more people

30:51

than me. And I

30:53

was like, that's not how that works, sir. But

30:55

that's not how it works. I don't

30:58

know what you mean. No,

31:00

every ER doctor, even the worst

31:02

one has saved more people than

31:04

you. ER

31:07

doctor in the first like day on the job. Yeah.

31:11

Yeah. You know, you

31:13

know who didn't get called into work on March 8th,

31:15

2020? Pink.

31:20

I talked to a guy next to a guy

31:22

on the plane home and he works at a

31:24

medical equipment supplier. Yeah. And

31:26

I was like, I was like, so did you

31:28

work there during COVID? And he's like, I just

31:30

started. And I was like, how did that go?

31:33

And he was like, I lived in New York

31:35

City suddenly and surprisingly for six months. And I

31:37

didn't see my family. Wow. Wow.

31:40

And I had a four year old daughter and

31:42

he was like, what do you do? And I

31:44

was like, do you want to see our analytics

31:46

on SciShow Kids? Mostly

31:49

TikTok. It's like going

31:51

through the analytics report. And I was like, here's what a

31:53

CPR is. I'm

31:56

probably best known for telling people

31:58

not to eat. Yes! It

32:01

saved a lot of lives. Have you ever

32:03

wondered where the candle wax goes? Hahahaha! That's

32:06

my job. Hahahaha! Do

32:09

you know that corn is a crab? You burn it.

32:11

Do you know that if you put a hyper-oxidinated fluid

32:13

into someone's rectum, it could actually oxygenate their blood? Yeah.

32:16

Yeah. That's what I do for a

32:18

living. I inform people about something that

32:20

someone else burned. Air is made out

32:22

of stuff. Hahaha!

32:25

Like, imagine sticking your hand out of

32:27

this plane right now. You'd be like, wow, that's

32:30

a lot of stuff. Yeah. But it doesn't feel

32:32

like stuff. Yeah. That's my job. Right.

32:35

Yeah. I mostly come up

32:37

with metaphors to help people

32:39

understand kind of

32:42

high school level chemistry. Yeah.

32:45

Imagine the cars driving through butter. Anyway, that

32:47

medical device stuff sounds important. Yeah. It's

32:50

great. Let's find a chat with you. Like I

32:52

was saying to my psychiatrist yesterday, like, the

32:55

great, the incredible thing about my job, as

32:57

opposed to everyone else who does some version

33:00

of my job, is that there's someone in

33:02

my life who knows exactly how it feels

33:04

to have my job. Yeah. And

33:07

I can talk to that person, and

33:10

I can commiserate

33:13

with them and empathize with them in a

33:15

way that I literally can't empathize with

33:18

anyone else. Hm-mm. And

33:20

just how grateful I am for that,

33:22

and how conscious

33:25

I am of its fragility.

33:28

Like, there's nothing guaranteed about that,

33:30

and there was nothing guaranteed. Like,

33:33

it would have been so bad if all that

33:35

Fault in Our Stars stuff had happened, and we

33:37

hadn't been doing blogbrothers. You know what I mean?

33:39

Like, if I'd been, like, alone in that, it

33:42

would have been so bad for me. Yeah.

33:44

I could definitely do that. I,

33:46

like, the parts, especially

33:48

if you were public on the internet. Right.

33:51

That's what I mean. If the Fault in

33:53

Our Stars stuff had happened and I hadn't been public

33:55

on the internet, first off, the Fault in Our Stars

33:57

stuff probably wouldn't have happened. Yeah. Secondly, I don't know.

34:00

It would have been more, my friends who've had

34:02

similar things happen who aren't on the internet kind

34:04

of did better than I did, but then again,

34:06

they're more stable. Yeah.

34:13

It's amazing how long ago all of that

34:15

was while still being very present in my

34:17

mind and life. Yeah. I

34:20

know. I look at those pictures of us

34:22

and we were just babies, which reminds me

34:25

that today's podcast is belatedly brought to you

34:27

by brothers. Brothers. They're

34:29

underrated. Today's podcast is

34:31

also brought to you by the negative

34:33

space between the butt

34:36

cheeks. It's not a

34:38

real thing. It's just part of your butt.

34:40

It doesn't. Part of your butt. It doesn't.

34:42

Tagline. Butt cracks don't exist.

34:44

It's not a defensible position. Today's

34:48

podcast is additionally brought to you

34:50

by the leaves that

34:52

change just from the street light.

34:54

Yeah. The leaves that change

34:56

just from the street light, more light than

34:59

heat. And also this podcast is of course

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39:03

Alice, you can come in. If you have a

39:06

question, it's actually literally a question answering podcast. So

39:08

what is your question? Are

39:11

we doing anything tonight?

39:13

Do you want to do anything tonight? You

39:15

don't? Then we're not doing anything

39:17

tonight. She's

39:20

gonna change into her pajamas. Nice. We

39:23

love to see it. Thank you for closing

39:25

the door, Alice. Big

39:29

fan. Big fan of

39:31

Alice. Oh my god. Listen, we have to get

39:33

to the all-important news from Mars and AFC Wimbledon.

39:35

I'll go first because my news sucks. Okay. I

39:38

don't know if I talked on the pod about the fact that

39:40

I bought a player in the January transfer window, but that's neither

39:42

here nor there. I don't know what that means, but

39:45

I know what it cost. Well,

39:51

I guess I think I did mention

39:53

it maybe, but I kicked in a little

39:56

bit of money to help AFC Wimbledon keep

39:58

the services of our central defender. Joe

40:01

Louis, who wears the very short shorts. He

40:03

has the thighs that no shorts can contain.

40:06

And he was gonna go back to Stockport County, his

40:09

home club where he was on their books and

40:11

he was on loan to us, which is a

40:13

thing that happens in England. It's just a weird thing

40:15

where like you pay their wages and they

40:17

come play for you for a little while, but they still belong

40:19

to the other team. And so

40:21

they were gonna recall him and make him a

40:23

Stockport County player. And Joe

40:26

was like, I'd rather stay at Wimbledon,

40:28

but that costs some money. And

40:30

so we worked with the club to make that happen. And now

40:32

Joe Louis is a permanent AFC Wimbledon player. That's great, that's very

40:34

exciting. I also have to

40:36

say, Hank, that I've heard, I haven't heard

40:39

it myself, but I've heard there's a song

40:41

about that that has me in it as

40:43

a character. You have a song? It's

40:46

every football fan's dream come true. I know,

40:48

that's exactly whatever it comes to. It was

40:51

worth it. I told Sarah this and

40:53

she was like, well, I hope you're happy. You're

40:55

like, I am, I'm very happy. I was like, I

40:57

waited every single day. It was a

40:59

weird week for Hank and John doing

41:01

crazy things that their wives are like,

41:03

I guess. Yeah, exactly. But

41:06

at least they're doing stand-up, which makes money.

41:08

I'm doing something. I probably

41:10

made about as much as that costs, last

41:13

week. You probably did, actually. So

41:16

I just needed to go out and do stand-up for a week.

41:18

First, I gotta get really good at stand-up. So

41:20

anyway, the song

41:23

is to the tune of Rehab and

41:25

the first by Amy Winehouse.

41:27

And the first line is they tried to

41:29

make him go to Stockport and he said,

41:31

no, no, no. Okay. Anyway, we played the

41:34

franchise currently playing its trade in Milton Keynes

41:36

on Tuesday. We cannot beat these guys. We've

41:38

never been able to beat them. They're in

41:40

our heads. Like, it's

41:43

the fact they just treat

41:45

it differently than we treat it. Like, I

41:48

think a lot of our players are from the

41:50

academy. They've played for Wimbledon since they were like

41:52

eight. And they

41:54

feel the same way we feel, which is that like

41:56

it's almost unbearable even to have to play them, even

41:59

to have to like. engage in this ridiculousness

42:01

of trying to acknowledge their reality as

42:03

a football club when they they they

42:05

aren't you know in our opinion a

42:08

legitimate football club they bought their place

42:10

in the football league they continue to

42:12

call themselves mk dons even though they

42:14

have no connection to wimble don and

42:16

it just it just drives us crazy

42:19

and we always play terribly and we

42:21

played terribly we played awful

42:24

we were unbelievably poor in the first

42:26

half then we got two red cards

42:28

in the second half because

42:30

we can't control ourselves like we

42:33

just it's anyway it

42:35

was so frustrating i was so mad i i

42:38

don't get emotionally involved in football results anymore but

42:40

i got emotionally involved in this when i really

42:42

got it to the i got to the bottom

42:45

of my darkest self and i did not

42:47

like what i found down there we're playing

42:49

them again in march and i've decided to

42:51

completely change my approach they're going to be

42:53

playing at wimbledon i'm going to the game

42:55

that's the first way i'm changing my approach

42:57

i'm no longer like pretending this doesn't happen

42:59

or it doesn't matter it does happen

43:01

it does matter we are going to play

43:03

them and i'm going to the game with

43:05

my body with some friends hopefully hank you're

43:08

welcome if you're available on march second march

43:10

second march second i can't do that it's

43:12

always a reason why you can't do it all i ever hear

43:14

is i can't do that well i go

43:16

four times a year well let

43:19

me see what you can't well i'm pretty sure i'm

43:21

doing something on that day but

43:23

let me look for you ahead and take thank

43:27

you so anyway uh we're

43:30

gonna play them again in march i'm gonna treat

43:32

it completely differently it is an important

43:34

game it does matter there is no use

43:36

pretending otherwise i i don't

43:38

want to hate them anymore i just want to

43:41

treat them as a rival a rival that shouldn't

43:43

exist but a rival and we just need to

43:45

move forward and treat it as a rivalry and

43:47

beat them if we can okay

43:49

good i'm gonna be in colorado

43:52

all right that's a good excuse

43:54

on vacation um yeah that's

43:58

not as good Which for work I'd

44:00

be all for it, but why don't you just go to

44:03

vacation in London? Oh, I got a whole plan! I

44:06

bet you do, but now it's not as good as the

44:08

plan in London. Mmm. Well, I

44:10

talked to my son about that. What's the news

44:12

in Mars? In Mars news,

44:14

I mean, there's been big Mars news since

44:16

we've been gone. We didn't have an

44:18

episode last week, so we missed

44:20

this, but the helicopter, it's the ...

44:24

I forgot what it's called. My

44:27

friend the helicopter that never stops. My friend the

44:29

helicopter that never stops got lost and we couldn't find

44:31

it. Oh no. I mean, we knew where

44:33

it was, but it wasn't talking to us. Oh

44:35

no. It was going down to land and

44:37

then they lost contact with it and

44:40

that could be bad. Now it's got systems so that

44:42

it can land itself. It doesn't like ... It's not

44:44

like we need to be able to talk to it

44:46

while it lands, because obviously we can't many

44:49

light minutes away. But

44:52

then we didn't

44:55

have connection with it for a long time, but

44:57

then they did a thing where they just sort of shined

45:01

communication all around it. They

45:04

were like, okay, it's around here somewhere,

45:06

so we'll try and just hit everywhere

45:08

nearby and it responded and

45:11

then they found it and now it works again.

45:13

Are you serious? Yeah.

45:15

I missed all of this. Yeah. That's

45:17

too good. It was well-used to me. It took two

45:19

days from losing contact to getting it back. I feel

45:21

like when you lose something on Mars in the past,

45:23

when you told me that something was lost on Mars,

45:25

that's it. You

45:28

can't even lose it for three seconds. It's

45:30

gone. Yeah. They

45:32

did long duration listening. Like it goes to

45:34

sleep and it never wakes up. I love

45:36

this phrase, long duration listening. That's like what

45:38

Kather does. When

45:41

I get home from stand up,

45:44

I tell you about my

45:46

whole weird week. Yeah. I

45:48

hear you. Everyone, I

45:50

have an update to the Mars News. None is

45:52

gone now, but mere

45:55

hours after we recorded that episode,

45:58

it was released. NASA

46:00

that Ingenuity, after 72 flights

46:03

and over two years on

46:05

the surface of Mars, has flown its

46:07

last flight. It sustained

46:10

damage to the rotor

46:13

during its 72nd flight, and so it

46:17

no longer can fly. And it did amazing.

46:20

It did more than we ever could have

46:22

imagined. It flew for the last

46:24

time on January 18th. So I wanted to send

46:26

a little update into Tuna you

46:33

can cut it in because

46:35

otherwise that would be weird

46:39

because many of you will have seen that

46:41

news. But they

46:43

did get contact back with the

46:46

helicopter, but it has now flown its final

46:48

assault. The first ever

46:51

powered aircraft on another planet

46:54

and far exceeding mission

46:57

goals for

46:59

Ingenuity, the helicopter. Thanks

47:02

to all the people and congratulations to the

47:04

people at NASA and JPL for an amazing

47:06

addition to our abilities when

47:10

it comes to exploring other planets. And high

47:13

five to everybody and pour one out for

47:15

our little helicopter. Hank, thank you for potting

47:17

with me. If you want to send us

47:19

your questions, please do so at HankandJohn@gmail.com. This

47:22

podcast is edited by Joseph Tuna Medish. It's

47:24

produced by Rosianna Hals-Rojas. Our communications coordinator is

47:26

Brooke Shotwell. Our editorial assistant is Deboki Trucker-Vardy.

47:28

The music you're hearing now and at the

47:31

beginning of the podcast is by the great

47:33

Gunnarolla. And as they say in our hometown,

47:35

don't forget to be awesome.