0:00

Lettuce with Noosa! Yogurt,

0:02

yogurt, yogurt, yogurt Lettuce

0:05

with Noosa! Noosa, Noosa, Noosa,

0:07

Noosa Yogurt, yogurt, yogurt, yogurt

0:10

Noosa, yogurt, Noosa, yogurt Deliciously!

0:14

Lettuce with Noosa!

0:16

Crunch! What

0:18

a name for a chocolate bar! Tells

0:20

you what you're signing up for! Crunch!

0:23

That glorious combination of crispy

0:25

rice and 100% milk chocolate

0:27

makes Crunch the chocolate bar that's just

0:30

hmm, more fun! It's the

0:32

mic drop of chocolate

0:35

It's chocolate with game It's

0:38

chocolate with, hmm, what's the word I'm after? Oh

0:41

yeah! Crunch! Hello,

0:44

my name is Dan and this is

0:47

Desert Island Dicks and today

0:49

my guest is Archie Henderson,

0:51

also known as Jazz Emu He's

0:54

a comedian, writer and musician and

0:56

you should go and check out his videos on YouTube,

0:58

because they're really funny which is confirmed

1:01

by the fact that they've got lots of views

1:03

and he has lots of subscribers. That's

1:05

how the internet works folks, you're

1:07

welcome If you'd like to see him in

1:09

real life IRL, he's doing shows

1:12

in

1:12

Edinburgh for the festival so you can check him out

1:14

if you're up there this August and he's

1:17

also doing shows elsewhere as well,

1:19

which he mentions in this episode. At

1:21

the end I haven't got

1:23

much to tell you about today, I've just been to

1:25

my six year old sports day in

1:28

school today and I'm frankly overwhelmed by

1:30

all the great sporting action on display.

1:33

So let's keep this short and sweet

1:36

and just get on with the mother flipping podcast shall

1:38

we? It's Desert Island Dicks with

1:40

Jazz Emu

1:55

Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus

1:56

and welcome to Desert Island Dicks

2:00

the show that sees you marooned on a desert

2:02

island after a plane crash with the worst

2:04

people and worst things imaginable. Who they

2:06

are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and

2:09

here to share their desert island dicks with us today

2:11

is comedian, writer and musician, Archie

2:13

Henderson, also known as Jazz

2:15

Emu. How are you doing? Hey, look,

2:17

I'm doing well. Thanks. Thanks for having me. You're

2:20

very welcome. Thank you for coming on today. Originally,

2:24

we reached out to you because my

2:26

friend James, who started this podcast, literally

2:29

couldn't get one of your songs out of his head. And

2:31

here we are. I'm sorry to hear

2:33

that. They're relentless sometimes.

2:36

No, they're really good. They're really good. I urge anyone

2:38

who hasn't seen them to check them out because they're

2:41

like real earworms, but very

2:43

funny as well. So yeah, thank you for coming

2:45

on. Now, as we were chatting

2:47

a little

2:47

bit just before we got started, it's a very hot

2:50

day. You're roasting away in your studio there.

2:52

I'm cooking. I'm slow cooking right now. Yeah,

2:55

I'd make a good pulled pork in about

2:57

an hour, an hour and a half. Yeah. Just be peeling

2:59

bits of you off. In

3:02

general, do you find it easy to have a little rant

3:04

or are you kind of a bit more mild managed sort

3:06

of person? I'm not a very ranting person.

3:09

Although I would say that, you know, occasionally

3:11

things do push me over the edge. It's usually

3:13

if I've had a couple of beers, then I'll then

3:15

I'll be kind of pushed

3:18

over the into the abyss. And then,

3:20

you know, my eyes go fully black like a shark

3:22

and I'm just ready to go. But otherwise,

3:26

no, no, I'm pretty, I'm pretty easy going.

3:29

Nothing that makes me go too crazy. Okay, well, it'd be

3:31

interesting to find out your list. But was it was

3:33

it easy compiling your list of people?

3:36

I think the list of people was

3:38

relatively easy. Yeah, I did

3:41

struggle a little bit with

3:43

the song. Because I like

3:45

music and I like you know, I generally

3:47

like most genres of music. And I

3:49

think I'm more forgiving

3:51

than I used to be of pretty

3:53

much any genre of music. I'm better at seeing

3:55

the value in it. So but

3:58

I did find one eventually.

3:59

Okay, cool. Well, I'm intrigued to see who

4:02

we're going to have on the island with you. So let's

4:04

just get straight into it. Who's going to be the

4:06

first person joining you on the island? The

4:08

first person joining me is Timothy

4:11

Dalton. Okay. Absolute

4:13

piece of work. And

4:15

I'll tell you why. Okay. This

4:17

is an intense it's going to get. Timothy

4:21

Dalton was is the fourth James Bond,

4:24

people that don't know.

4:25

There was so there was Sean Connery, George

4:29

Lesnbe. Sean Connery did like six

4:31

films, I think. George Lesnbe did one film

4:34

and was so bad that they had to bring Sean Connery

4:36

back again. Then followed by Roger

4:38

Moore after Sean did one more film. And

4:40

then Timothy Dalton and he

4:43

just came and he tanked the

4:45

whole franchise. He

4:47

did two films and most people

4:50

will say, oh, George Lesnbe is the worst one. George

4:52

Lesnbe is the worst Bond. He only did one film.

4:55

The films grossed half what they usually gross

4:57

with George Lesnbe. I take a stand

4:59

against that. I like George Lesnbe. I like

5:01

his little frilly shirts. I like his

5:03

wooden performance. I

5:06

like his total lack of charisma. Timothy

5:09

Dalton is the

5:12

worst possible middle ground.

5:15

It was before they found Pierce Brosnan,

5:17

they hadn't found this kind of smooth,

5:19

charming, handsome one. And they just completely

5:23

botched it. They got this kind of middle of

5:25

the road, just nothing. He

5:28

did two films. He got scared

5:31

off from doing more because they tried

5:33

to lock him into doing more. And he said, no,

5:35

I'm not sure if I feel like doing it. And

5:38

they didn't make any Bond films for six years,

5:40

which is the longest

5:41

break that it had in the whole history

5:43

of it. So I would

5:46

credit him with almost tanking the whole franchise. Yeah,

5:48

I sort of hadn't realized he'd just done two, actually.

5:51

I mean, for me, I always thought that he was

5:54

because I would put him above

5:56

Pierce Brosnan, I think, because I felt like

5:58

with Pierce Brosnan, they were kind of. of just going, you

6:01

look like James Bond, let's not worry

6:03

about all the rest of it. Whereas I thought at least

6:05

Dalton kind of had a bit of like, brought

6:07

in a bit of a ruggedness to it. Interesting.

6:09

Yeah. Well, I think that was his the brand he was trying

6:12

to go for, you know, he's trying to do like a

6:14

pre Daniel Craig. Yeah. Maybe

6:16

Bond should be a bit darker like he is in the books.

6:19

And he just doesn't he just doesn't pull it off. Yeah.

6:21

You know, you just he just goes around asking

6:23

where where the villains are, you know, he's

6:26

like, where's, where's Colchez? Where's

6:28

this point? I don't

6:31

have any ideas for himself. Yeah. I

6:33

mean, there is one bit in one of the films where

6:35

he manages to do a wheelie in a truck,

6:37

which I think is impossible. It's

6:40

like, I mean, not the thing that you know,

6:42

the James Bond films are known for their realism,

6:44

obviously, but I think

6:46

doing a wheelie. All right, credit credit to him

6:48

that he can break the laws of physics. That

6:50

is the one allowance that I will make

6:53

for him. Yeah, I think there was a sort of weird

6:56

muddy period with the Bond film, because I think also

6:58

when you got into Pierce Brosnan, you started having invisible

7:00

cars, and they just stretched it so

7:02

far beyond the realms of, of what's

7:04

possible. And I felt like, yeah, maybe

7:07

you can argue that Dalton was the start of

7:09

that slide. I don't know from the sort of

7:11

classic Bond into that kind of thing. I think

7:13

it was exactly was the beginning of the end. And

7:16

to be honest, I think they I mean,

7:18

I was growing up

7:19

with Pierce Brosnan at

7:21

the prime age for when invisible

7:24

cars actually perfectly appealed

7:26

to my mental sensitivity of

7:29

things that I thought were amazingly cool

7:31

and not cheap gimmicks. So, you

7:35

know, I'll forgive the Pierce Brosnan films for everything.

7:37

I'll forgive them for the terrible video

7:40

game spinoffs that they made with the

7:42

world's most wooden dialogue.

7:45

Yeah, I was rewatching some cut scenes

7:47

from Nightfire. I just went on a nostalgia

7:49

trip. And I because I used to play that night

7:52

the Nightfire video game, the PC game,

7:55

and the dialogue in the cut scenes

7:57

is completely mental. It's so

7:59

weird. They've got these scriptwriters

8:01

in who are trying to do this sexy dialogue

8:04

between James Bond and

8:07

this

8:08

CIA agent, Agent

8:10

Nightshade, I think she's called. And there's this girl, she's

8:12

wearing a sexy dress. And he's like, is

8:16

that dress standard company issue,

8:18

Nightshade? And she's like, don't get

8:20

any ideas. It's armored in

8:23

all the right places. And

8:25

it's like, everything is delivered with this like,

8:27

it's like it's an innuendo, but not an

8:29

innuendo at all. Yeah, if I was wearing

8:32

an armored dress, I'd want all of it

8:34

to be armored that like my whole body

8:36

would be all the right places for an armored

8:38

piece

8:38

of clothing. You would hope it would.

8:40

Yeah, the right place is, you know, your

8:42

heart and your internal organs, generally,

8:45

not whatever she was suggesting. I don't

8:48

know. Well, you're going to be working with James Bond. So we'll

8:50

put extra enforcements around the breasts

8:53

and the groin area because we know what

8:55

he's like. So he will be safe

8:57

from his advances. I guess that's what they meant,

8:59

probably, which is also quite weird. Yeah,

9:04

it's like the Bond franchise

9:06

is strange in a way because I sort of feel like

9:08

it's so highly revered

9:11

amongst so many people. I don't know if there's

9:13

that many films that are that good.

9:16

You know, it's like, it's almost like a tradition

9:18

like with Christmas, you know, you'll eat things you don't, you

9:20

wouldn't eat the rest of the year round, but you're like, Oh, you

9:22

got to have these on Christmas. And it feels

9:24

a bit like that with James Bond. Like, some

9:26

of them are quite good films, but a lot of them

9:29

are sort of six out of 10. So I don't know,

9:32

you've got to respect just the relentless

9:35

churn.

9:36

I think that is it. It's like, they

9:38

just you know, it's quantity of equality.

9:41

They they're one of the few franchises

9:43

that has just pulled that off. And

9:45

they're I don't know, they're, I think they're very fun. But

9:48

they are if you analyze them

9:50

as films, they are objectively bad. It's

9:53

maybe like four or five that pop

9:56

their head above the good

9:58

threshold. Yeah.

10:01

Timothy Dalton though, he's done so, I mean,

10:03

he obviously did those two James Bond films. Flash

10:06

Gordon.

10:07

That's about all I can think of with him, really.

10:09

And Hot Fights, where he has a cameo. Of course,

10:12

yes, he does that. So he sort of pops up in

10:14

little bits and pieces here and there. I wonder

10:16

like on the island, would he just be sort of

10:19

overbearingly kind of just

10:21

telling you loads of stories about how he was an underrated

10:24

James Bond and all these sort of things. Do

10:26

you know what I mean? I wonder if it cuts deep

10:28

with him. I think he'd just be a bummer. Yeah. He'd

10:30

be like, I feel like he's above James

10:32

Bond, you know, be saying like, Oh, I got

10:35

out at the good time. You know, it was, it was, it

10:37

was failing and it would have failed even more. I

10:39

think he'd be kind of smug about it. Daniel Craig goes

10:42

so much to my performance. They didn't

10:44

use proper, didn't do proper punches before,

10:46

before I came in. It was all just judo chops, you

10:49

know, that kind of thing. Okay. Well,

10:51

he's going to be first with you on the island and

10:53

let's see who's going to be joining him. Who's

10:55

your next guest on the island? My

10:58

second selection is maybe

11:01

a more obviously odious person, which

11:03

is Richard Dawkins. Okay. Yeah. I

11:05

think there's, you know, there's a phrase goes

11:07

around, isn't there? It's like someone's got a punchable

11:09

face. I think he's got just

11:12

much worse than that. He's

11:14

got like, he's got like a squeezable

11:17

fight. You want to like pluck his nose, like pull

11:19

his nose,

11:20

like a, like a squeezy doll. Yeah.

11:23

Something about it. He just looks villainous to

11:25

me. He has the sort of air of someone who would

11:27

write his neighbours a lot of angry letters.

11:29

Oh yeah, for sure. Their begonias are

11:31

encroaching on his driveway. Yeah. As

11:34

per my previous correspondence,

11:36

I must remind you at bin day is

11:38

actually Tuesday's, that kind

11:40

of thing. Yeah. Yeah. He's a weird character,

11:42

isn't he? He's sort of one of those people

11:44

who creeps me out. Yeah. He's kind of one of those people

11:47

you kind of think, I know that this is important

11:49

to you, but you've, the subject

11:50

of atheism is kind of swallowing up your whole

11:52

life until you're basically, you know, like

11:54

an evangelical atheist. You're

11:56

basically in the same camp as, as someone who's like

11:59

a rabid.

11:59

religious fanatic, you know? For

12:02

sure, yeah. He's kind of had this crazy

12:04

rise and fall, hasn't he, in terms

12:06

of the way he's perceived by the cultural

12:08

zeitgeist, I think. He was at his height

12:11

maybe when I was at the perfectly

12:14

malleable teenage boy

12:16

kind of era where I started

12:19

to take every book that he read

12:21

as gospel and it made me

12:24

really vitriolic against religion

12:26

and, you know, all these lines he was pushing

12:28

in his books and

12:29

I think it really appeals to that kind

12:32

of teenage boy sensibility

12:34

where you just want everything to be hard

12:37

and fast rules and

12:40

he's somehow got stuck that

12:42

into his older age as well and

12:44

I think you're right, it's like fanaticism,

12:46

it's kind of terrifying. I

12:49

was a teacher for a bit and I went to see him

12:52

do, it was like a conference

12:54

for students, lots of different schools came and he

12:56

was doing a talk at this conference thing somewhere

13:00

in London for these sixth form students and

13:05

he was so unbelievably

13:08

cruel to a bunch of teenagers

13:11

which made me so, you know. What did he do? People

13:13

asking just very like valid

13:17

religious questions but, you know,

13:20

one of the students was Muslim and she was asking,

13:22

you know, kind of a specific question about

13:25

how his views related to her faith

13:28

and he was, you know, kind of turned it around and was like,

13:30

you idiot, how could you possibly

13:33

think that, you know, he was doing this kind of

13:35

teenage boy rhetoric and I just,

13:38

that was the moment when I was like, oh, you're just

13:40

a genuinely cruel,

13:42

bad person. Yeah,

13:44

yeah, yeah. It's so easy to sort of say

13:47

how much crazy stuff has been done in

13:49

the name of religion and obviously

13:51

still continues to be done today and,

13:54

you know, you look at stuff like in America, what's going

13:56

on and so much is driven by extreme

13:58

religious views.

13:59

that sort of thing. But then also, you know, like, you

14:02

know, I'm an atheist, I also

14:04

know religious people, I went to a funeral recently,

14:06

and I was thinking, you know what, if I was

14:08

religious, this would definitely give me a lot

14:10

of comfort right now. Like, you know, I could

14:13

definitely see why this is making this

14:15

tragic loss. And it was a very tragic loss

14:17

for the people involved. You know, like,

14:19

they have that to cling on to. And that's a

14:22

really amazing thing. So I'm not

14:24

gonna have to walk around be like, Oh,

14:26

do you really believe some man in

14:28

a beard and a long white robe is

14:31

looking after the deceased camera

14:33

wake up this like, just fucking

14:35

like they're getting something tempting, tempting

14:37

to suck the joy out. You

14:40

know, it makes so little difference to me.

14:42

That's why I find it so mad because he's so he goes

14:45

so hard down this, this rational

14:48

logic line.

14:49

But as soon as you contemplate

14:52

it, like the way you just described there, which is like

14:54

this is providing

14:55

a very rational comfort. You

14:58

know, even if it's whether, regardless

15:01

of whether it's whether it's objectively true or not,

15:03

it actually, you know, is providing emotional

15:05

comfort for these people. And that in itself

15:08

is a real thing.

15:09

And I don't know, I just feel

15:12

like you have to

15:13

be so cold not to be able to see

15:15

that. Yeah, I'm terrifying. Yeah. Yeah. And

15:18

he's definitely on the island going to be this he's

15:20

never going to shut up as he's always

15:22

like everything is going to turn into a long

15:24

winded argument until you know, when you

15:27

go I'm not debating this, we need

15:29

more palm fronds on the roof of our shelter

15:31

to protect us. It's like, well, I think historically,

15:34

if you go back to the formation of the

15:36

shelter, actually a problematic the palm

15:38

fronds. I think also

15:41

he saw a picture of him

15:43

playing

15:45

electronic sacks. I didn't even

15:48

realize he did. Wow. And that's an instrument

15:50

that I play in my act. And I was like, he

15:52

just he'll take anything from me. He'll

15:55

ruin anything he gets his hands on. Just

15:57

imagine Richard Dawkins

15:59

demanding to play you musical

16:02

instruments, playing you the ewe over

16:04

dinner on the island, it's just that's just hell

16:06

to me. Just imagine

16:09

him doing like an hour of sort of

16:12

dismantling religious topics

16:15

and beliefs and practices. But then, but

16:17

at the end, there will be some light entertainment

16:19

when I regale you

16:21

with the work of Kenny G. Maybe

16:24

he's just kind of, yeah, alternating, just

16:26

crushing logical insights and

16:29

beautiful,

16:29

haunting sax solos. Oh

16:32

man. Do you think does he do concerts or anything?

16:34

Does he do recitals or shows or anything?

16:37

Because I don't know this picture I saw of him

16:39

was that, what was it at?

16:40

Dawkins playing the ewe in rehearsal

16:42

for the new directors showcase. I don't even know

16:45

what that is. He obviously, he's

16:47

wearing a Hawaiian shirt. He's obviously like, oh, I'm,

16:49

I'm doing my fun side today. Getting

16:52

his wacky shirt on. He's going to play a sax solo.

16:55

Wow. They need to give it a better name than an ewe

16:57

as well. That's not the best name

16:59

for that instrument. Ewe. Yeah.

17:00

Ewe. It's a, it's a beautiful

17:03

thing. Okay. Well,

17:05

I think so far you've got the makings of quite

17:07

an irritating place to spend the rest of your

17:09

life. A lot could hinge

17:11

on who the final piece of the puzzle is. Who's the

17:14

third person joining you?

17:15

My third selection

17:18

is David Attenborough.

17:19

Oof. Now, I mean,

17:21

just the most overrated

17:25

national treasure that has ever been treasured

17:28

by this nation. Okay. Wow.

17:30

Wow. Okay. So I think he has

17:32

been chosen in the past, but the person

17:35

choosing him was like, look, I know this is controversial.

17:38

It's more about having to deal with an

17:40

old man, having to look after a very old

17:42

like treasured figure, but you,

17:45

you genuinely don't like him. This is interesting.

17:47

I think he's disgusting. I think

17:49

he's a

17:50

disgusting piece of work.

17:53

And I don't want him anywhere near me. I

17:55

would actually feel sorry for Richard Dawkins to have to

17:58

spend time with him.

17:59

Wow. Okay, right. What's

18:01

your rationale for this? Because I've

18:03

got I've got to lay my cards on the table like most people

18:06

I'm very fond of Richard of David Attenborough.

18:08

So

18:08

no, I've had enough. I've had

18:11

enough. I think he wangs on for too long I think

18:14

he loves the sound of his own voice and

18:16

he's pushing his liberal

18:19

environmental agenda onto

18:24

Onto the nation

18:26

over and over again I've had enough

18:28

of it and I just know that he would just be Wanging

18:32

on showing me all these plants are saying we

18:34

got to protect them Oh the

18:36

sea levels rising or we're gonna get drowned

18:38

on the island

18:40

No, thanks. So but so

18:42

you don't you don't believe in his environmental

18:45

stance then no, I do I just don't

18:47

like him saying it specifically. Yeah Okay,

18:50

so it's more a sort of It's

18:53

more like a give us the sort of programs about

18:55

animals we used to have without the sort of conscious

18:57

stuff in it

18:59

Yeah, I don't mind the conscious stuff. I just

19:01

can't stand the sound of his voice His

19:04

rusty old white man voice

19:07

just telling me all this stuff I don't

19:10

I mean, I'm quite it's difficult for

19:12

me to I mean previously like I say

19:14

when I've had to go in on David Attenborough,

19:17

I've been able to kind of go from the You

19:20

know the point of view of like obviously it would be difficult

19:22

having like an elderly man to look after

19:24

on the island He couldn't do much but well,

19:27

yeah that too he's too old. It's too old. Yeah,

19:29

he's about what 96 or something. Yeah

19:33

Yeah, he's just you know, he's

19:36

gonna need way too much support. Yeah

19:38

Yeah But wouldn't it be interesting

19:41

for him to explain all the stuff on the island

19:43

with you and like look under a rock What's

19:45

that? No, no, no, no,

19:47

I'm not I'm not interested. I Feel

19:51

like I've seen enough Right.

19:53

Wow. Do you do you get in arguments

19:55

about this a lot? I mean, this must be a bone

19:57

of contention for a lot of people. Yeah, I

19:59

ring up, I make my housemates

20:02

watch the documentaries with me so that

20:04

I can shout over them about

20:06

how much I dislike David Attenborough. I

20:10

scream along with it.

20:11

Yeah, anytime his face pops up. There's

20:14

nothing worse than hating someone who everybody

20:16

else university like like I used to some

20:19

reason when I was young, I don't have it at all anymore. I remember

20:21

when I was a teenager used to hate Tom Hanks.

20:23

And no one could understand why and I was like, it's

20:26

fucking Tom Hanks. And now you

20:28

know, like, what was it about

20:30

Tom Hanks? I've no idea. I just found him incredibly

20:33

annoying. Like, I don't know what

20:35

it was. And every time there's a film I was looking forward to,

20:37

but oh, but it's got Tom Hanks in it, you

20:39

know, but no one could ever understand what it was. And

20:41

I

20:41

hate in their eyes, I think they they

20:44

know that they're national treasures. I think

20:46

that's the problem. There's like a there's a smugness

20:48

there. Oh, I've, I've shaken

20:51

hands with the Queen. I've

20:52

been tapped on the shoulder.

20:54

Yeah, so smug. Because I think most people

20:57

like David Attenborough more than the Queen, like

20:59

the Queen is quite a partisan thing.

21:01

You know, a lot of people like

21:02

best in different or some people are really upset.

21:05

Some people actively hate the monarchy. David

21:08

Attenborough, I think apart from you most I

21:10

think the more people like David Attenborough than

21:12

like the royal family, I think is a fair thing.

21:14

So, oh, wow. So I mean, for

21:17

him to for you to be stuck with him and you're the one

21:19

person because I mean, Timothy Dalton and

21:22

Richard Dawkins are probably gonna get on

21:24

famously with him as well. I

21:25

mean, obviously, Richard Dawkins, you know, they've got all

21:28

the evolution to talk about. Yeah,

21:30

that I'm I mean, presumably that they'll

21:32

admire, you know, bad egg knows a bad

21:34

egg.

21:35

They will be getting on really well. I'll

21:37

be building my own camp on the side. Interesting.

21:41

Apparently he's quite I've heard that he's quite a

21:45

in real life is sort of a bit cheeky to the

21:47

point of being slightly inappropriate

21:49

at times David Attenborough. So maybe

21:51

you'd really see that size. Great. This

21:53

is all grist to my mill. Yeah, cancel

21:55

him. Cancel him. There's gonna

21:57

be something that comes out. I guarantee

21:59

Yeah, it's been my life's work

22:02

to expose anything. I've

22:05

been analyzing those documentaries like a conspiracy

22:08

theorist. I'm putting the clues

22:10

together, he's going down. Okay,

22:13

well it's not my island, it's your island. And

22:16

he goes with you to the island, fair enough.

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for everyone. Okay, Archie,

23:19

we're gonna move on from people now because mercifully,

23:22

amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food

23:24

and drink left over. Unfortunately

23:27

for you, it's your least favourite

23:29

food and drink in the world. What are

23:31

they and why are they so bad? My

23:33

least favourite food,

23:36

firstly, is a summer pudding,

23:39

which is a dish that I've only eaten once in

23:42

my entire life. And it was so

23:44

bad that it made me retch and run out

23:46

of the room. And I've sworn to never

23:49

ever touch it again. Yeah, I'd forgotten

23:51

all about these, but

23:53

am I right in thinking it contains bread?

23:55

It's a bread-based pudding. Yeah.

23:58

And, you know, bread. Bread

24:00

obviously is amazing.

24:02

Everyone agrees that bread is amazing. Bread

24:05

when it's tainted by liquid is

24:08

the least appetizing food in the world.

24:11

And this pudding is like a

24:13

loaf of bread smooshed

24:16

up, soaked in berry

24:18

juice overnight to the

24:21

point where it has no consistency

24:24

at all. It's just like slug trail,

24:26

very, very sweet and sickly with

24:29

all these like smushy berries in.

24:31

And it just, there's something about texture-less

24:34

food

24:34

that just freaks

24:37

me out, makes me sprint out of the room.

24:39

It feels like one of those things where, you

24:42

know, in the old days we needed to

24:45

use up what we had. I mean, we still need to use what

24:47

we have, but it was, we didn't maybe

24:49

have the range of things we have now. So it's

24:51

like, oh, what are we going to encase this pudding in?

24:54

Yeah, some bread. That's right. But

24:56

then it's full of, you know, lovely summer

24:58

berries and things. So it just feels like just

25:00

having a bowl of that with some cream on or

25:02

some ice cream on. So much nicer. Perfect. Or

25:04

like setting it into like some kind

25:07

of jelly or something

25:08

if you need to really need to keep it

25:10

together and carve it into slices.

25:13

I don't know. Or like, or even, I was

25:15

going to say even like a sponge or something,

25:17

but then you'd still get that soaking in thing.

25:20

I don't really know what the point of it is. It's

25:23

such a weird thing. It's the most

25:26

depressing figurehead for

25:28

our country of like, this is our traditional

25:30

pudding, a Victorian pudding.

25:33

Now you say it's like

25:35

using up using up stuff, stuff

25:37

from the cupboard. It's kind of

25:39

a really monastic

25:43

pudding that no one needs to

25:45

eat anymore. You know, you get like you can get

25:47

nice fresh berries with a crunch

25:50

from the supermarket.

25:52

Why are we mushing them into soft, squidgy

25:54

bread? Yeah. Yeah. I just don't

25:56

feel that, you know, I think use

25:58

up what you have in the cupboard.

25:59

But don't don't use

26:02

it if it's going to be to the detriment

26:04

of all the other ingredients you know

26:06

like don't encase them in a prison

26:08

of bread because I've

26:10

got a lovely bowl of strawberries and raspberries

26:12

here, so why am I Why is

26:15

it like being soaked up with like with

26:17

mighty white because I think it's white bread

26:19

as well You've got use like quite shit white bread

26:21

for it. I think yeah, it's a whole meal would

26:23

be Use that yeah,

26:26

that'll be even worse

26:28

With the with the lumps in it because there's

26:30

good ways you can use up bread as well

26:33

You know it's not like there aren't nice ways

26:35

to get get your breadcrumbs and

26:37

you know make a Kiev or whatever you want Make

26:39

some gougeons as there's good ways

26:42

to do it get them crispy exactly

26:44

exactly Yeah, I

26:46

don't know who's wanting a slice of summer pudding

26:48

when yeah, just scoop out the insides

26:50

bit of whipped cream delicious Yeah,

26:53

smash some orangs got an eating mess easy.

26:56

Yeah done Okay, what you're gonna

26:58

wash down your summer pudding with them I'm

27:00

sadly washing it down with fizzy

27:02

water,

27:03

which I know I think is probably quite controversial

27:06

I just think

27:09

I can't understand why people prefer

27:11

it to still water ever Yeah, just the

27:13

metallic flavor

27:15

the kind of spiky texture of it on

27:17

your tongue It doesn't sit right with

27:20

me and if that if the stream on the island

27:22

was soda water Carbonated

27:26

natural spring Yeah,

27:29

I'd be the odds of that I'm

27:31

firmly on board with you with this I

27:34

hate nice sparkling water and I

27:36

think maybe there's something about us like,

27:39

you know, you hear people So for some

27:41

people coriander is a really strong

27:43

taste and it's like soapy and weird and

27:45

I really like it And I still a strong taste

27:47

but if some people just

27:49

like kryptonite and I think I

27:51

say to people who like sparkling water Look, I don't mind

27:54

the idea of water that has bubbles,

27:56

but it doesn't taste like water. It has a such

27:59

a strong taste

27:59

And I think maybe some people just yeah,

28:02

they don't get that, you know, it's like the gas

28:04

flavor or something. Yeah, that's interesting.

28:07

Maybe we're just highly sensitive, just delicate

28:09

flowers. Yeah, my wife switched

28:12

over to it in like a few years ago, and

28:14

she'd previously been quite vocal about how

28:16

she didn't like it at all. And then I remember,

28:19

I was like, you've bought fizzy water

28:21

by Mr. Why have you got this? She's like, Oh, no, I like it

28:23

now. And it was like, what the fuck? Like we've

28:25

been together for the dark side. Yeah, we've

28:27

been together for about 12 years by that point.

28:29

And I was

28:29

like, what else are

28:32

you not telling me this is I mean, it was such

28:34

a big change of relationship

28:36

on its head. Yeah. Yeah, because it's such a

28:38

question everything about them. Yeah. It's

28:41

like, Oh, you know, I didn't use like those olives. But

28:43

now I do. You know, that's okay. But like,

28:45

that's quite a big shift, I think, from not liking

28:47

it to being into it. I had a I had

28:49

a housemate

28:50

who would say after, you know, we'd

28:53

have dinner. And then she'd say, Oh, she should

28:55

have a she should have a sweet treat. I'm like, yeah,

28:57

that's nice. And she would get fizzy water

29:00

out of the fridge. And that would be it.

29:02

And I was like, what, what level

29:05

of sweet treat are you working on? This

29:07

is the most depressing treat I've ever

29:09

heard of in my life. That's mad that she's like, Oh,

29:11

no, it's so it's so tangy. It's so,

29:13

so sweet. That's insane.

29:15

I mean, is she like some kind

29:17

of fitness influencer who wasn't allowed any

29:19

calories or something? It

29:22

does. It does have almond mom energy. Yeah,

29:24

that Yeah, yeah. Well,

29:26

I just have a sweet treat. Yeah, just just

29:28

to take the edge off. That's that's insane.

29:30

I mean, that's so calorieless soda water.

29:33

Yeah, that's pure botanical, isn't it? It

29:36

is. Yeah. Yeah. So you're basically enjoying. Yeah,

29:38

bubbles.

29:39

That's it. Yeah, bubbles. It's

29:42

exciting. If you know, understand

29:44

that not against bubbles as a concept. No,

29:46

I mean, bubbles in most forms make

29:48

things more fun. It's a childish thing.

29:51

But they're like, Oh, bubbles, right. Okay,

29:53

I'm with this. But the water, I just think water

29:55

is so perfect on its own. Yeah, no

29:57

notes, no notes for still water.

29:59

And you can't you can't chug it either

30:02

like this fizzy water, you know, because

30:04

you've got because the physics in the throat So if you're

30:06

really thirsty on the island and you don't really

30:08

like the fizzy water You can't even just knock it back quickly

30:11

because it's too fizzy and sharp to just

30:13

get rid of yeah. Yeah, okay

30:14

It's just it's cruel.

30:17

It's a torture of a drink. Also, I think

30:19

it's one of those things that because it's sort

30:21

of seen as sophisticated I think there's

30:23

like an a bit of a

30:26

Bit of an implicit kind of dig

30:28

at you if you don't like it. It's like, oh should

30:30

we get some water? Yeah, is everyone sparkling sparkling

30:33

sparkling? Oh, I don't like fizzy. It's like oh, right.

30:35

You don't like fizzy water It's a bit like you

30:37

don't get it. You know, you're you're a simpleton

30:40

or something. Yeah

30:42

It's definitely I feel like that's what the the fizzy

30:45

water brands have capitalized on

30:47

that, right? Yeah, they get the the San

30:49

Pellegrino and they've they're kind of acting

30:51

like oh an Italian would drink this

30:54

So therefore it's it's

30:56

ever must be classy Yeah,

30:58

it's true I mean in the 80s Perio was

31:01

a big thing and you get this little glass bottles

31:03

of it and that was the thing I don't know what's happened to them.

31:05

They seem to be like falling out of favor

31:07

slightly, but Yeah, okay

31:10

fizzy water is your drink choice now

31:12

Archie Fortunately, you won't

31:15

be without entertainment on the island the

31:17

plains entertainment system continues

31:19

to work But just you're lucky it only has

31:21

two working settings One is your least favorite

31:23

film of all time and the other is your least favorite

31:26

song What are they and why my

31:28

least favorite film

31:30

of all time? And I think you're gonna agree with me on

31:32

this unless you've changed your

31:34

change your mind since childhood is Forrest

31:36

Gump Yeah starring Tom Hanks Forrest

31:39

Gump

31:40

is such an annoying film. I actually

31:42

love Tom Hanks Tom Hanks in big one

31:44

of my favorite films all the time It's

31:47

just

31:48

it's just dire. It's like weird

31:52

cartoon nationalism

31:55

for the year Which is

31:57

the most insidious type?

31:59

of US nationalism,

32:02

where they have this kind of blank faced,

32:06

every man going through all

32:08

these really intensely horrible

32:10

political scenarios and be like, nevermind.

32:13

I guess

32:16

it's fine. And then yeah,

32:18

and winning the go in the end is

32:20

just mad, mad film. Yeah,

32:23

I mean, I should say I don't I don't have an

32:25

issue with Tom Hanks these days. But I

32:27

remember watching Forrest Gump once, I

32:29

just think it's sort of film you watch once and

32:31

you see what it's about. And I can't

32:34

imagine ever wanting to watch it again, you watch it go,

32:36

yeah, it's fine. Oh, there's a bit about the chocolates.

32:38

Okay. Oh, that bit's a bit sad. This

32:41

bit's a bit funny. You know, it's

32:43

just and then

32:45

and then I guess there's enough kind of memes

32:47

and references to it throughout

32:49

popular culture that you never need to see it

32:51

again. But if you were really into I don't know, it

32:54

was quite long and slow and up and down.

32:56

And I wouldn't want to keep watching

32:58

it for sure. It feels like a it

33:00

feels like a film that's been written

33:02

to be memeified before

33:04

memes existed. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it was

33:06

like they've, they've written it every scene

33:09

to be like, Oh, what's gonna be the quotable

33:11

line in this scene? It's very like tactical.

33:13

Yeah, yeah. I sort of see

33:15

a point about it, like the nationalism thing about

33:18

it's almost like put out for morale.

33:20

You're like, Yeah, this is a great country. You

33:22

know what? Yeah, anyone can be doing

33:24

well. Yeah, anyone can do anything in this

33:27

great country. Look, look what Forrest Gump did.

33:30

Yeah, he was good at ping pong and

33:32

shrimp fishing. I mean, who can say that

33:34

he can be good at everything if

33:37

you put in zero effort, and

33:40

just get randomly validated

33:43

at various points in your life and just drift

33:45

through

33:46

the terrible things that your country

33:49

makes you do. Yeah, if you just greet it with

33:51

a smile. I think also it's sort

33:53

of more sad that because he's just this

33:55

kind of guy who just goes along with things and doesn't

33:57

always understand everything that's happening. It just makes everything

33:59

happen.

33:59

a bit more depressing when bad things

34:02

happen, because he's like, oh, poor Forrest,

34:04

he doesn't understand. He's just like a happy

34:06

dog who just goes along with things. And, you

34:08

know, I think it's quite bleak in

34:10

lots of ways, you know, but you remember

34:13

like, oh Forrest Gump, it's always happy, but it's like,

34:15

as you say, just goes through loads of bleak, difficult

34:18

things. And, but because he kind of

34:20

comes out on top and just never stops going

34:22

and like, he'll always stick up for his friends.

34:25

It's like, oh, lovely Forrest Gump.

34:27

And actually it's just, this is horrible.

34:29

He's just being bludgeoned at every

34:32

turn. And he's completely

34:34

relentless. He's like the Terminator. Like he doesn't stop,

34:37

you know, he's like obsessed with

34:39

Jenny, his girlfriend.

34:41

And she, you

34:42

know, turns him down on various

34:44

occasions. He's like, nope, I

34:46

will have this woman. And

34:49

it's just like so unbelievably

34:52

intense as a human. Yeah,

34:54

yeah. Yeah, I think that would just be

34:56

a boring film to watch again and again.

34:58

I think it'll get even more cloying

35:00

and sickly and you're going to find even more stuff

35:03

wrong with it that you hate over time. So yeah,

35:06

I think it's fair. What would your

35:08

song choice be? I had to think about this because

35:10

like I said, I like lots of songs

35:13

and I actually, this

35:15

was a tough one because there

35:17

are bits of this song that I do like, but

35:20

I think it's so unbelievably overrated.

35:23

And I think it's insane that it's played

35:26

at the end of every single club

35:28

night in the UK at closing

35:30

time. The song is Mr. Brightside by the

35:32

Killers. Yeah. And the reason I take issue

35:34

with it

35:36

is that it has one note

35:38

the whole way through the first verse

35:41

and he's just singing one note. And I just think

35:43

the laziness of that songwriting just

35:45

pathetic, it doesn't change. If you go back

35:47

and listen to it, it's just relentless. It's

35:50

like he's half rapping, half

35:52

singing, but I just, just lazy to

35:54

me. Yeah, I was just going through it in my head and

35:56

it is that very one note. I've

35:58

never been a big fan of it.

35:59

And it's like you'd be in a club

36:02

or something and just watch people going absolutely

36:04

mental and it's not like there aren't

36:06

quite a lot of songs that are quite a lot like

36:09

it, you know. And I know that's a bit reductive.

36:11

You can say that about a lot of things, but for it

36:13

to sort of be on such a pedestal compared

36:15

to a lot of music that came around it,

36:17

I find odd. I was at a wedding

36:20

once and the DJ is one of those

36:22

wedding DJs that talks a bit as well, you

36:24

know, in between songs. And there weren't

36:26

that many people on the dance floor because it was a nice

36:28

evening and people wanted to be outside

36:29

and stuff. And he's obviously trying to get the crowd

36:32

going and he put on Mr. Brightside and

36:34

he got the microphone and went, ladies

36:36

and gentlemen, the killers. You know,

36:39

they're not here, man. You

36:41

know, are you trying to trick people on? It's nice for them to

36:43

get hyped up though. Yeah, but it just seems like

36:45

it always, I always think about it every time

36:48

the song comes on. Are you trying to trick us into

36:50

thinking the band have turned up for this? Anyway,

36:52

yeah, it's I've heard it too much

36:54

and I didn't really like it. An awful lot to start

36:57

with. Yeah. I think there's something a bit there's

36:59

something a bit

36:59

uncanny about it, actually, when I was just thinking

37:02

about, you know, when you're in the crowd and

37:04

people are screaming along with it

37:07

and there's like this kind of rage and

37:09

passion that

37:10

it brings out in people from the UK

37:13

for some reason, because

37:14

I saw someone talking about this online.

37:16

They were like, has anyone does anyone in the US

37:19

care about this song? Because the killers are an American

37:21

band. Like, does anyone, does anyone interested?

37:24

And it's like completely, completely unproven.

37:27

It's a thing that this nation

37:29

specifically has a lot of passion for. And

37:31

I think it's like

37:32

bringing out something. There's something in

37:34

there like the psyche

37:36

of our country that makes people

37:39

want to very passionately scream

37:41

about a relationship breaking

37:43

down and

37:44

jealousy and turning snakes

37:46

into the sea. Maybe that's

37:49

what it is, because at the end of the night, it's like some

37:51

people will be disappointed and upset. Some

37:53

people will be really upbeat. Some people

37:55

will just be a bit angry. Some people are sort

37:58

of ecstatic. And I suppose it does have all the.

37:59

those things. It's kind of like, kind of

38:02

a bit angry, but you

38:04

know, has the positive side. It's got the sort of synths

38:07

that sound a bit like strings. It feels positive.

38:09

Yeah. But you can shout at it. You can shout

38:12

along with it and it's... Awful. Yeah. You can scream

38:14

it in your friend's face. Yeah. Yeah.

38:16

So maybe that's fine. It's definitely got a catharsis

38:18

to it. Yeah. Yeah. So it's maybe

38:21

it's cleverer than I thought, but damn

38:23

it, it would annoy me. I mean,

38:25

just I'm taking it out. I've got to

38:28

choose something else. It's too good.

38:29

Imagine being on the

38:32

island and having a song that's that upbeat.

38:34

You go, okay, come on, David, let's

38:36

put a song on. And it's just

38:38

a bit too big. Rich is

38:40

playing along with his eeywe. Do

38:47

we have to listen to it every day or is it just

38:49

like... No, it's up to you. It's just... Just playing

38:51

whenever we want it. Just whenever you want, you

38:53

can put it on, but that's all you can put on. So

38:55

probably you would reach for it eventually

38:58

and you might go, you might sort of go, oh,

39:01

actually, I've been wrong about this. It's a banger. And then

39:03

you just hear it too much and you'd hate it again. I

39:06

think it's the thing that would push us over

39:08

the edge

39:08

in the end. It's the thing

39:10

that would take us to Lord of the Flies. We'd

39:13

be doing some kind of cult ritual. Richard

39:17

would have lured us into some full atheist

39:19

cult. He would have gone

39:21

full circle round back the horseshoes, becoming

39:24

a religious fanatic from some religion needs

39:26

invented. And we'd be dancing to that song

39:28

around the fire and

39:31

we'd all kill Timothy.

39:33

Well, I mean, you've

39:35

got a plan and that's important.

39:37

So I think you might be okay. Well,

39:40

we're nearly done. But finally,

39:42

the island is overrun by the biggest dick

39:44

of all the animals. Which animal is it

39:46

and why?

39:47

This is an easy one for me. And I reckon it's

39:49

one that people have probably said before.

39:51

And my answer is cats. It's a

39:54

popular choice. Yeah, I

39:56

really, really despise

39:58

cats on a very, very...

40:00

very primal level and I

40:02

can't and I actually can't explain why. I

40:04

think the the main reason is that I'm

40:06

allergic to them. Okay. And I liked them

40:09

up until the point when I realized I

40:11

was allergic and then it all turned

40:14

when I realized that they were like

40:16

harbingers of doom for me. And

40:18

then everything I've like now framed every

40:21

everything I know about them through that

40:23

lens you know anytime I see them do anything even

40:25

if I see them do something that

40:27

I that looks cute to other people

40:30

my narrative is that they're trying to be cute

40:32

to get something out of you. Yeah. I've like

40:34

completely rewritten their story. I don't

40:38

trust them. I think it makes sense if you

40:40

dislike I mean if a creature has

40:42

something that you know it can harm you without

40:44

even trying I can understand why you dislike

40:47

it and especially being stuck with them on the island

40:49

you know even if you're outdoors most of the time there's

40:51

still enough of them to make you feel ill a lot.

40:55

Yeah it's weird for an animal to be as

40:58

loved and hated as a

41:00

as cats. Yeah. I mean because they come

41:02

up on here a lot people really yeah

41:04

to dislike them but I hate them. Yeah

41:07

it's true. Yeah it seems like it's the most

41:10

divisive animal in a way it's like

41:13

you know there are other animals that everyone would

41:15

say okay I don't like them you

41:17

know a wasp it's like on who who like

41:19

you have to be mental to say your favorite animal is a

41:21

wasp. It's like

41:24

but you know we can all agree on those. There's something

41:26

about a cat where it's like it sits in

41:28

that

41:29

weird gray area of life it's got the

41:31

cute fluffy it's cute and fluffy is

41:33

kind of playful but

41:35

the way it plays is not it's

41:38

like a bully

41:39

the way a bully plays with you in the playground

41:41

as a kid you know it's like

41:43

yeah it's taunting you it's pushing you around. I mean

41:46

they they are mad creatures I have a cat

41:48

and I've got it just fine so fascinating

41:50

about cats is how much they hate cats

41:53

you know it's like apart from humans

41:56

I mean maybe human humans are probably the best

41:58

example of an animal that really does

41:59

doesn't like the rest of its species that much.

42:02

But I think there's more examples of our capacity

42:04

for love and helping and altruism

42:06

than with a cat, which is basically like even

42:09

their siblings or their parents or

42:11

like, or their offspring, they're

42:14

like, fuck you. All the time. It's

42:16

such a weird thing. Fuck out of my way. Yeah.

42:19

There's the place I've just moved

42:22

to, we've got a little garden in the

42:24

back and there's obviously like five of

42:26

our neighbors have cats and they choose our garden

42:28

to have this kind of insane standoff

42:32

where they're all just like prowling a little section

42:34

of the wall. And if anyone, any

42:36

of the moves, they're like, they all rotate round,

42:39

which part of the wall they're just like, yeah. Very

42:42

strange creatures. Terrifying, terrifying. Well,

42:44

look, you have put together a good selection

42:47

of people and things. Some of it very

42:49

controversial, but all of it your choice.

42:51

And it's gonna make you very uncomfortable. So in

42:53

that respect, you have succeeded

42:56

admirably. So well done. Thank you, Archie,

42:58

for coming on Desert Iron Dicks today. Tell everyone

43:00

what you're up to at the minute. Obviously you've got loads of work

43:03

online that people can check out and

43:05

what shows and stuff have you got coming up? Yeah, I'm doing

43:07

some shows in Edinburgh.

43:09

If anyone's coming to Edinburgh, I'm doing two shows.

43:11

One called You Shouldn't

43:14

Have, which was my show from last year. I'm

43:16

doing for 10 days and one called

43:18

Pleasure Garden, which

43:19

is a live show with a band

43:21

and some guests. And that's gonna be

43:23

like a late night show

43:25

at Assembly in Edinburgh. It's really fun. And

43:28

if you're not in Edinburgh, please come in London on November

43:30

the 15th to the Pleasure Garden. Lovely.