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Hello,

1:27

Dan here. And I know this is confusing, isn't it? Because

1:31

it was me and now it's James doing the episodes,

1:33

but now I'm back again. And the

1:35

reason for that is because although I'm taking a

1:37

bit of a hiatus, a sabbatical, if you will,

1:40

I

1:41

just wanted to say thank you to

1:43

all of you for coming out and supporting me. I'm really grateful

1:45

for all of you. I'm going to be

1:47

doing a lot more of this stuff in the future. So

1:50

I'm going to be doing a lot more of this stuff in the future.

1:59

Jenny Eclair as part of the Cheerful Airfall

2:02

Podcast Festival because we'd had it booked

2:04

in and I just, it was important for me

2:06

before I took my break and dealt

2:08

with family stuff that I just wanted to finish

2:11

this off really. And I'm

2:13

so glad I got to do it because Jenny

2:15

was brilliant. She was so nice,

2:18

so fun to hang out with and

2:20

she was really fun in the podcast. So she's

2:23

absolutely hilarious. I hope that comes

2:25

across in the recording. I haven't listened back

2:27

yet, but we all had a lot of fun

2:30

at the time, so I'm pretty sure it will. So

2:32

a massive thank you to Jenny for coming on the

2:35

show. Everyone really enjoyed it. I hope you will

2:37

too. Obviously also a massive

2:39

thanks to Giles who runs the Cheerful

2:42

Airfall Podcast Festival. He's a lovely

2:44

man and is such a great festival. It's only

2:46

a second year doing it and already

2:48

it's just got so many great podcasts

2:51

taking part. So if you

2:53

didn't get to go this year, do try

2:55

and go and see some of the shows next year as

2:57

well because yeah, I think it's

2:59

going to be, well, it's just going to continue to

3:02

get better and better really. So thank

3:04

you to Giles for having us on again. Like

3:07

I say, I'm going to step away from it from a bit

3:09

as we've discussed before, but obviously

3:11

James is going to be in charge

3:13

for a while. And I mean, God, he created

3:16

this goddamn podcast so he knows what he's

3:18

doing. And he's already got some brilliant

3:20

guests lined up. Do remember to subscribe,

3:22

give us a rating and a little review. And

3:26

hopefully I'll be back at some point once

3:28

I've dealt with some heavy family shit. So

3:31

look, this is Jenny Eclair live

3:34

from the Bedford pub in Ballam for

3:36

the Cheerful Airfall Festival, 2023.

3:59

I'm just using the room or a centre, I did after

4:02

a plane crash, but only the worst things and

4:04

worst people in the management hall. Who, no

4:06

more, I'm widering, is that who

4:08

I am? And here's a show, they said that I

4:10

live in Switzerland today. This is a wonderful Jenny

4:12

Eclair.

4:12

CHEERING I

4:19

said that side, didn't they? Oh, that side. That's my

4:21

best side, remember. Sorry, I got confused.

4:24

I got confused. I've been difficult already.

4:26

This is a treat. I'm going to call you Dapper

4:28

Dan Benedictine. Oh, thank you.

4:31

What a smart party boy this one is. Really

4:34

are, yes. It's a result of never leaving the house

4:36

that much and getting a bit overexcited when I

4:38

do, I think.

4:39

And the both of us have got a silken scarf,

4:42

casually knotted around our necks. I

4:44

know. Isn't it marvellous? We could be like

4:46

footballers and swap them after the show. No, there's

4:48

nothing... But yours is probably more

4:49

expensive than mine. There's nothing talkborey about you or me.

4:52

No. Apart from my knees, I have

4:54

the most hideous, deformed knees. If

4:56

I get a bit panicking, I'm not getting any laughs. I

4:59

get my knees out. OK. Yeah,

5:01

they look like turnips. They don't belong on

5:03

a human being. They look like they should be on an allotment.

5:06

They are the most hideous thing. You'll

5:08

feel very sorry for me if you see my knees. It's

5:10

so nice to see people here. Isn't

5:13

it lovely? I'm nice. And

5:15

I first... Sorry, just going to chat for a

5:17

bit. And then I'll let him in. But

5:20

I first performed. There's no so

5:22

business saying, you

5:24

do the Bedford pub twice

5:26

in your career.

5:28

Once on the way up. Once

5:31

on the way down.

5:32

It's good to be

5:34

back.

5:35

I seriously performed here.

5:38

No, don't encourage me, for God's sake. I

5:41

first performed here about 40 years ago.

5:43

Well, I've realised that this is my second time

5:45

here, so I might not be doing that well in my career.

5:49

It's been quite quick for me. But, you know, let's go out

5:51

with a bang. Jenny,

5:54

we're about to talk about the worst people and

5:56

worst things in the world. Yes. Do you find

5:58

it easy to have a rant?

5:59

I'm a bad-tempered old bitch. Um,

6:02

I can even...

6:02

But I'm

6:04

quite good by myself, though. I can sort of mutter.

6:08

I can mutter and swear at myself. I

6:10

can sort of get myself

6:10

quite cross with myself. I just don't know quite

6:12

how I've ended up on this island. Have I had a plane

6:14

crash? Yeah, your plane has

6:16

crashed, but miraculously, you and all the worst

6:19

people and things in the world are with you. Okay, did I parachute out the plane with my

6:21

knickers? Because

6:22

I have very big knickers. I think

6:24

sometimes, you know, when

6:25

you're having a wee

6:27

in, your pants are on the puddle

6:29

on the floor in front of you. Um,

6:32

and I find that's best. That's the

6:34

best way of going for a wee. If they're

6:36

not there on the floor, you've got it wrong. Do you know what I

6:38

mean? There's a technique

6:41

to this. But I sometimes look at that large puddle

6:43

of pants on the floor. No puddle, by the

6:45

way. I haven't wet them. There's a dry pant. A large puddle. Oh,

6:48

for fuck's sake. It's a

6:50

dry puddle of pants on the floor. And

6:52

it is of such a size, I do think. I could parachute out of the plane

6:55

with those. Okay, well I think it's such

6:57

an enduring image. Let's go with that. I

7:00

don't

7:00

know how your other, uh, island mates have got there. I don't

7:02

give a shit. No. But they

7:04

are there, and we're going to get into it. They're there.

7:08

Is every bone in their body broken? Well

7:10

I thought we'd leave them intact so that you could break

7:11

them as you go along, Pat. Okay. Do you know what?

7:14

I'll admit this now. When I was a little girl, I was obsessed with

7:16

myself. I was obsessed with myself.

7:20

When I was a little girl, I

7:22

was obsessed with myself. And...

7:27

And I honestly, at one point, when I was

7:29

about five or six, and I didn't

7:31

have television, we were living out in Berlin. My

7:34

father was a spy. It's a long story. And...

7:39

Don't tell anybody,

7:39

okay? And I used to

7:41

think that I was the only girl in the

7:43

world that had every bone in her

7:45

body broken. And I sort

7:48

of

7:48

kept this running commentary in my head.

7:51

I would like cross the road and I'd say, there she

7:53

goes. The bravest little

7:55

girl in the world. Every bone

7:57

in her body is broken. And yet...

8:00

Yet still she

8:00

walks to school like that all the

8:02

time. Like a munchausen's

8:05

kind of mad, beyond munchausen's.

8:08

Yeah, anyway, that didn't go down

8:10

very well, did it? Ha ha ha ha. Anyway,

8:14

but actually you lost off. Let's

8:17

share the load.

8:18

Well,

8:21

I was going to ask you if, how you found

8:23

the process of whittling down your list

8:25

of dicks for the island. Was it difficult?

8:28

So

8:28

sorry, I've been quite busy of late.

8:31

So I did it rather quickly

8:33

and I was a bit broad in, I

8:36

started with accounting.

8:37

I find accounting

8:39

difficult. And I've never

8:41

really been, I was trapped with one once and

8:43

he tried to give me some advice, but it just

8:46

sounded like this.

8:47

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

8:49

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

8:53

So, I didn't, that's why

8:55

I haven't got a pension.

8:56

And so

8:59

I find the idea of being trapped with an

9:02

accountant sort of, you know,

9:04

goading me really on

9:06

this island saying, so, so are

9:08

you, so you're 63 now. So

9:11

how are you going to, how are you going to live?

9:13

That sort of thing, because that's what would happen with

9:15

an accountant, he'd back you into the corner, wouldn't he? And

9:18

he'd sort of like bang on about the fact that

9:20

you haven't, you're going to

9:22

be living on a state pension.

9:24

Yeah, because I like the idea that you could crash

9:26

and you think, oh, it's fine, because you have

9:29

none of the trappings of an accountant. We can't talk

9:31

about pensions and things, because you're on a desert island, but

9:33

he'd probably transfer those skills into

9:36

kind of sustenance, like, have you put enough

9:38

coconuts away? Are you thinking about

9:40

next year's coconuts? You

9:43

know, like a literal bean counter. He'd be

9:45

really,

9:45

really, and all I know is that he'd be really boring. And

9:47

I mean, I would be

9:49

moody anyway on this desert island, because

9:52

I mean, all desert islands are a bit hot, and

9:54

I'm a woman of a certain age. I get claggy,

9:57

and I don't, I've got a bit in my...

9:59

I've been touring this show called 60 Plus,

10:02

which is all about being 60. The clue's kind

10:04

of in the title. Originally,

10:07

it was called 60 for fuck's sake. And then I

10:09

realized I

10:10

was 63. But

10:12

don't tell my agent, because he's trying to get me onto

10:14

Dancing on Ice. I'm just

10:16

giving you bits of the show, because I've more or less

10:18

run it into the ground now, so I can do that. But

10:22

you're very precious

10:24

about material up to a point. And then when you performed

10:26

it 90 times all around the UK, you

10:29

kind of get a bit casual with it. But I do this routine

10:31

about being a miserable bitch on

10:33

holiday.

10:34

And I would be even

10:36

worse on a desert island,

10:39

because there's no kind of, it's not

10:41

all inclusive, is it? There's no bar. No,

10:43

not really. No, no.

10:44

Even when I'm sort of supposedly

10:46

having a nice time, and it's a nice

10:48

holiday, there's always something a bit shit,

10:51

isn't there? However much you spend, you

10:53

go, well,

10:54

look at that. That's a bit shit, isn't it? I don't

10:56

like that. There's nothing, you know, nothing. I

10:59

don't tan. I've got the skin

11:00

tones of the jellyfish, which is one

11:02

of my phobias, by the way. And

11:06

no, seriously, I really don't tan. So

11:09

if I do go in the sea, people get

11:11

anxious, and they start screaming and

11:13

dragging their children out, because they think there's

11:15

a giant Portuguese man of war thrashing around

11:18

in the shallow. You see what I did a

11:20

joke then? So

11:23

I would be already a miserable bitch, and then

11:25

you throw an accountant into the mix. Is it just

11:27

the one accountant?

11:29

Yeah, I think so, yeah. Why,

11:31

do you think they could be like a group of accountants?

11:34

Yeah, I think, well, what do you call them? I was going to say,

11:36

what's the collective noun? A spreadsheet

11:38

of accountants. An absolute account of accountant.

11:41

I'll show you more. I can still swear, because

11:44

I'm really good at swearing.

11:45

I think that what my biggest nightmare

11:47

would be if this plane was

11:49

carrying a convention of accountants

11:52

to a certain destination,

11:54

and there's loads of

11:56

them in their suits. Yeah,

11:58

I think that's more unbearable.

11:59

I think with one you could sort of maybe, you know. I

12:02

could work on it. You could work on them. Yeah, in a

12:04

whole group of them, they're gonna have their jokes

12:06

about, Oh, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Paris

12:09

in accounts. Paris in accounts.

12:10

Oh, oh, oh, oh. God,

12:13

it would be unbearable, wouldn't it? Yeah,

12:15

all their in jokes and all their stationery and

12:18

all that

12:18

kind of shit. I

12:20

do love stationery. May I just say at this

12:22

point, I get very turned on in stationery

12:24

shops and have a dashery

12:27

in places where you can buy the couture

12:29

mall for the hobby. I

12:31

mean, this is sort of what does excite

12:33

me about the desert island. I know we can't stray

12:35

too much into the Radio 4 version,

12:39

but I, which I haven't done. That

12:42

pisses me off, you know. That's

12:44

another reason why I decided to do this because I thought,

12:46

well, fuck them. I'll do this one. Yeah. I

12:50

have dreamt. I

12:52

have dreamt for many years of doing,

12:55

you know, the one that they do on Radio 4.

12:57

And just to sort

13:00

of piss them off. Yeah. Just

13:02

to punish them for not inviting me on beforehand.

13:04

Yeah, fuck those guys. Fuck those guys. I would

13:06

ask every song would be a status quo number.

13:11

My next, it's the next record, please. Another

13:14

status, this one's my status quo. Whatever

13:18

you want. Just

13:21

be great, wouldn't it? And you're next.

13:24

It's another status

13:25

quo. There

13:29

we go. I like that very much indeed. I

13:31

think we have to campaign just to get you on

13:34

so we can all hear that and all be in on the joke. BBC

13:36

hate me.

13:37

Hate me.

13:39

They probably won't like you more after this. No,

13:41

no, they won't.

13:42

I do this all the time. I

13:45

completely stab myself in the

13:47

foot all the time. All the time. I

13:49

quite enjoy doing it. I'm very self-destructive.

13:52

And I quite like watching me burn.

13:54

Which

13:56

I would on a desert island. I am

13:58

very

13:58

factor 15.

13:59

very fact-50, I'd have to find shade.

14:02

That would be, I mean, all the accountants

14:05

would have to take their shirts off and

14:07

make me a shade and

14:11

then I'd be confronted by all that accountant

14:13

bodies. Well, I think

14:15

we've made enemies of all accountants. That's

14:17

a good start. That's another group that we're distancing

14:20

ourselves from. So accountants in the BBC.

14:22

Yeah. So that's pretty good. Who's going to be the next

14:24

person joining you on the island?

14:25

Who else did I say?

14:28

Andrew Tate was one

14:29

of them. Oh, yeah, thank

14:32

you. Did you hear him whisper?

14:33

I forgot,

14:35

he can't whisper when he got a microphone from the cafe.

14:39

I think I had sports people. Sports

14:42

people. And they can be women as well. I

14:44

just find sports people very boring. I'm

14:47

really sorry about that. I'm really sorry. I

14:50

should be interested in women's football. I should

14:52

be. I'm like a traitor to my own sex.

14:55

And you know what? One of my

14:57

great aunts was

15:00

one of the original lionesses. You know they

15:03

weren't

15:03

called the lionesses in those days. But there

15:05

was a lady football team. I'm being interesting

15:07

now, not funny, by the way. You know

15:10

when people aren't laughing, that's when I'm being interesting

15:12

rather than funny. I'm getting

15:15

really anxious though because when people

15:17

don't laugh, I feel like I'm going to be sick. So

15:21

anyway, I had this great aunt and

15:23

she was my Nana's sister, Emily

15:25

Jones, and she was in the original Dicker

15:28

Ladies. Has

15:29

anybody, there's a blank, there's

15:31

somebody there. Have you heard of the Dicker Ladies?

15:34

They were a northern, I think from Preston

15:37

football team in the 1920s when all the men had

15:40

gone to war. They had this football

15:43

team and they did incredibly well and they

15:45

went to Paris and thousands of people came

15:47

to watch them. And then the men came back

15:49

in the war and women's football

15:52

was banned until 1974 or something insane. Am

15:57

I talking gibberish now?

15:59

I'm not talking gibberish. Do

16:03

you see this? Anyway, I'm not. So,

16:05

I

16:06

just

16:08

don't like sport. In

16:10

a sort of very childish, petty kind

16:12

of way. I don't like it.

16:13

Yeah, I'm the same. Is there a particular

16:16

one that really, really gets going? Hate football.

16:19

I hate football. And

16:22

although, that said, when you get

16:24

to this age, you're allowed to contradict yourself. It's

16:26

kind of one of the joys of being older. It's

16:28

this kind of forerunner of dementia. You just

16:30

start saying one thing, and then just

16:32

completely contradicting it. So,

16:34

I hate football, but I really

16:36

love that David Beckham

16:37

documentary. Do

16:41

you know what I mean? Well,

16:43

for starters, you've got to snoop

16:45

around their house a bit. I

16:48

mean, you know, hang the football, but, you know, just

16:50

the interiors and everything. It was just quite

16:52

fascinating. And there's a lot of

16:55

really

16:55

good archive stuff, because with the

16:57

Beckons, you have the double whammy of

17:00

David being this sort of extraordinarily

17:02

godlike, handsome man.

17:05

And then Victoria

17:07

being a Spice Girl. So, there's Spice Girl

17:10

stuff and football stuff.

17:12

And it's like a marriage made in heaven. By

17:15

contrast, the other one that's good is an accompaniment, and

17:17

I'm not interested. I couldn't be shit about

17:19

football. Who's not? I've had a diet

17:21

coke and it's repeating on me. The

17:24

Wagga-Sakristi trial. Has anybody

17:26

seen that as well? And

17:28

there's old Khalid, and she takes this round the

17:30

world with that charisma-free zone of

17:32

a husband. LAUGHTER Who

17:38

looks like he's built to bring in laundry.

17:41

You know, he has nothing

17:43

gracious or elegant or sportsmanlike

17:46

about him at all. And then you see this old

17:48

archive of him, and he's utterly magical.

17:51

You know, on the pitch, it's a very strange thing. Anyway,

17:54

I hate football, but those are the two best

17:56

documentaries I've seen recently. Yeah,

17:58

I mean, I'm not a big fan of football.

17:59

a fan of football as well. You don't look like a fan of football.

18:02

No. But

18:04

I think that I can sort of, if

18:06

you,

18:07

so a footballer,

18:08

they obviously love football, but there's so many

18:10

trappings of fame and success that they can be attracted

18:13

to as well. I think what's slightly more psychotic

18:16

in an athlete is people who just

18:18

won't ever make that much money from it, but they love

18:21

to win so much that they're going to get up at 4.30 every

18:24

morning and go rowing or swimming or

18:26

sprinting or whatever in the dark for

18:28

ages, just so they can compete at the Olympics. And

18:31

I feel like that sort of energy would be quite

18:33

weird on a desert island.

18:34

Exhausting and boring.

18:36

And what about golfing people? I

18:40

love my father very, very much, but

18:42

he did play golf. That

18:45

disappointed me. I

18:49

sort of tried to kind of forget that he ever

18:51

did it because it makes me angry

18:53

even now.

18:55

But yes, golf. What a fucking

18:57

appalling game that is. Although,

19:01

my father was a very funny man and he once did

19:03

manage to make golf funny because

19:06

he shat himself on the ninth.

19:08

Halfway

19:11

around

19:11

with 18 golf balls. And

19:14

you know, anyway, my dad, Derek,

19:16

he shat himself. And

19:20

my cousin, Johnson, was playing with him and

19:22

he said, there was a classic

19:25

line and he said, oh no,

19:27

the Browns coming through. Anyway,

19:38

I think all sports can be bettered

19:40

by somebody shitting themselves

19:42

on

19:44

the pitch or the field

19:46

or... I think it happened to Gary Lineker in

19:48

a World Cup once. Did it? Someone

19:50

who knows about football. Yeah, someone's nodding over there.

19:52

On the

19:53

pitch. Oh, do tell the tale.

19:56

I want details. What's your name?

20:08

Did the brown come

20:11

through? Was

20:13

he wearing white shorts? White

20:18

shorts? Squirt?

20:22

He squirted it out

20:25

of the side of his shorts. It's

20:28

a classic line that

20:31

I promise you, if I can't use that again,

20:35

at some point in what's left of my career,

20:37

I will be really, really disappointed.

20:40

He squirted it out of the side of his

20:42

shorts. And then

20:44

with girls, of course, it was always the worry

20:46

about coming on. So I do

20:49

think that, I don't think they wear white

20:51

pants so much for Wimbledon,

20:52

do they now, the girls, that kind of stuff,

20:54

that. Do they wear white pants anymore?

20:57

I read a thing that they've just changed the rules to say that they can wear

20:59

black underwear. Yeah, yeah. In 2023.

21:02

In 2023.

21:03

Because guess what? Women have been having

21:05

periods for quite a long time now.

21:08

Yeah. And that must have been the biggest,

21:10

biggest fear. Can you imagine

21:13

being on center court? God, it

21:16

would be glorious. It would be famous forever,

21:18

wouldn't it? I mean, the only,

21:21

okay, so I said I don't want football as a sportsman

21:23

with me, because on this plane that's crashed,

21:25

obviously,

21:25

it's a convention of accounts, plus

21:28

some football teams or something, or

21:31

golfing. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

21:34

Golfing.

21:35

Uh-uh. Gary Lineker, I'd

21:37

make an exception. He can be on my desert island

21:39

in David Beckham. I once met Gary Lineker,

21:42

and he smelled the nicest of anybody

21:44

I've ever smelled.

21:45

I imagine that. I'm

21:47

glad to hear that. He smelled of Chris.

21:51

He smelled of cheese

21:53

and onion Chris.

21:54

He smelled delicious. It's

21:57

good he practices what he preaches, isn't it? That's

21:59

very reassuring. Well, maybe we could say that I mean

22:01

we're bending the rules, but who cares? It's a

22:03

fucking podcast Yeah,

22:07

not like those stiffs over there we can do whatever

22:09

we want Should we say like,

22:12

you know, maybe a convention from the BBC

22:14

Sports Personality of the Year? Selection.

22:17

Yeah, you've got the accountant. You've

22:19

got a selection of sports people

22:22

We've got

22:24

the worst people in the world

22:26

and guess who else has joined them I've chosen

22:28

Andrew Tay Now he's yeah,

22:31

I mean there's a smattering of applause

22:34

And I think everyone knows is there anybody who doesn't

22:36

know who Andrew Tayt is?

22:39

No, everybody knows they're all on the ball He's

22:41

a despicable person and I don't

22:44

know that much because I'm you know, you can't

22:46

read everything can you and

22:48

know everything even though we all pretend we do

22:50

and But he

22:52

is so vile.

22:54

He's so vile and I Almost

22:57

want him to

22:58

be sorry the Diet Coke is coming back

23:02

I almost I have anyone got any omrepposol

23:05

on them If they're very young people

23:08

in this audience, they don't even know what what omrepposol

23:10

is But normally when I do my shows and

23:12

I say has anybody got on any omrepposol

23:15

about 50 people stand up Enough

23:18

than me a silver foil package with omrepposol

23:21

in it. It's a It's a summer's picking No,

23:25

save it for yourself love is I can I've

23:28

got some

23:28

Renee's at home This is omrepposol is

23:30

kind of the hardcore stuff Anyway,

23:33

what was that? I'm saying before I burped

23:35

and interrupted myself. I

23:37

Would almost quite like Andrew

23:40

Tayt to be on the desert island with me

23:42

because I would make him so

23:44

unhappy. I Would

23:47

I am like his worst

23:49

nightmare of a woman? I'm

23:52

old. I'm unattractive. I

23:54

look shit in a bikini. I would never normally

23:57

wear a bikini on a desert island

23:59

Andrew Tate was with me

24:01

out of sheer spite.

24:05

I would wear a bikini. I

24:07

mean, I'd say I wouldn't shave. But to be quite honest,

24:09

as women get older, we get

24:12

very, our pubic hair falls out. I

24:14

don't know whether there are probably young women who still think,

24:16

oh, I've still got a pluck and all that kind

24:18

of thing. You don't just wait. It'll all fall

24:21

out. It'll all

24:23

fall out in the end. It's called female pattern

24:25

balding. And this is true.

24:27

I used to have a line about this in one of the old Grumpy

24:29

women's shows. And the trouble with

24:31

female pattern balding

24:33

is you never know whether to shave

24:35

it all off or comb it over.

24:37

So these

24:40

are kind of after dinner

24:43

conversations that I would like to have

24:45

with Andrew Tate. What

24:49

should I do, Andrew Tate? What is

24:51

your advice here for this 63-year-old

24:53

woman with a very patchy

24:55

pubic area? Should I shave it

24:57

all off? And would you like to do that for me? Because

25:00

I bet you like shaving women, don't you? Shave

25:02

me. Shave my pubes, Andrew.

25:04

See you guys. Enjoy,

25:07

mate. I would just thicken

25:09

him.

25:10

Yeah, I mean, I think that would be an incredible approach

25:12

for him. I mean, he's such a weird guy. And I think,

25:15

oh, the idea of the two of you, you know, you're

25:17

a nice person. I don't want to send you to this island. But

25:20

suddenly, I just think, if we could get a camera

25:22

there to watch what's going to happen between you two,

25:24

the interplay would just be just beautiful,

25:26

I think.

25:26

He'd find somewhere to hide,

25:29

wouldn't he? He would. He'd

25:31

just stay in a tree. Or he'd do anything to get away

25:32

from you. I don't think he'd even let himself. That

25:35

would be like showing weakness. He would make himself

25:37

confront you. But I don't think you would ever

25:39

back down. And I think that's the beautiful thing about

25:41

it.

25:41

It's kind of an end of the world

25:43

scenario, isn't it? It's

25:45

horrific for both of us, but neither of us would

25:47

give in.

25:48

Yeah. Yeah, it's perfect. I think

25:50

he's such a bizarre man. So I was

25:52

reading about him. Because you've heard about him

25:54

in the last couple of years. But I don't really know what

25:57

or who he is. He seems like an

25:59

alien who's kind of done a bad impression of a

26:01

man. And it's like, well,

26:03

they like muscles and cigars and

26:06

shouting at women. Right, here you go. And

26:08

it's like, do you think we're not going to notice?

26:10

This is like a bad Android. But

26:13

I didn't realize he's been on Big Brother.

26:15

I didn't know that. Right.

26:16

So it goes to show you how bad reality

26:19

TV can be for our health. I've done loads of

26:21

reality TV. Apart from yours, obviously,

26:24

he was a kickboxer. And

26:27

also. What did

26:27

he get onto Big Brother? Was he

26:29

just pretending to be a normal punter?

26:32

And they chose him?

26:33

I'm not sure. Because you know what I find with him? I

26:35

find out a little bit. And then I keep seeing pictures of

26:37

him. And I just have to back away. Yeah, I know. It gets

26:39

too much, doesn't it? But the good thing I found out is

26:41

he also makes music. And

26:44

this is a man who constantly tells the world how

26:46

bright and intelligent and sort of alpha

26:48

he is. Let's give you a list of some of

26:50

the song names, the song titles. One

26:53

is called Mr. Producer.

26:56

Because he's a producer. Mr.

26:58

Producer, that's good. Sugar

27:01

Daddy Ice Spice. And

27:03

he sounds like I've made them up because they're so

27:05

shit. Have you heard

27:07

any of this? No, I couldn't go that far. I was

27:09

feeling too vulnerable. There

27:11

will be people in this audience tonight who will

27:13

be tempted. They're going to have another drink before

27:16

they go. And they're going to go home.

27:18

Yeah. Well, I mean, I think

27:20

it's a long

27:20

answer. Because anyone access an

27:23

Andrew Tate track? I

27:27

think the guy that said the classic line,

27:29

he squirted it out of the side, I'm

27:31

sure, is having a go for

27:33

us.

27:34

Let us know. If you find it,

27:36

you're the only person who's allowed to use a phone at

27:38

the moment, by the way. And also, we're

27:41

very grateful because this is going to absolutely screw

27:43

your Spotify algorithm. I

27:46

mean, you're going to be put on a list for looking

27:48

this up. Have

27:51

you found it? Would you come

27:53

up here and use the microphone? Or

27:55

will

27:55

this get us into trouble with

27:58

this?

27:59

PRS.

28:02

I think it's worth the risk isn't it? I'll

28:05

ask one of the accountants.

28:26

I

28:30

think that's

28:30

probably enough of that.

28:33

Thank you very much.

28:37

Thank you so

28:39

much. I

28:43

like how he got the name of the song in

28:45

at the beginning. You know when you're watching a film and you're like, that's

28:48

why it's called Kill Bill. I get it.

28:50

I get it now. Because I think he's one

28:52

of those people who sees himself as so intelligent but

28:54

is clearly quite dumb. So other songs, you

28:56

know, he has a lot of titles

28:58

with

28:59

just a lot of words because that means he's bright.

29:02

So the other one I was going to say is Musicality

29:04

Gallery Galaxy. Musicality

29:08

Gallery Galaxy. So bright,

29:10

you know, three long words.

29:12

And where is he now? Is he in some kind

29:14

of prison

29:15

somewhere? I think he was on house arrest in Romania

29:17

where he lives. How

29:21

do you end up,

29:23

you know, I've done some daft things in my

29:25

life but I've never ended up under

29:28

house arrest in Romania. I

29:30

mean, I think he has to make quite an effort

29:32

to do that. I mean, that's a lot

29:34

of prick behaviour.

29:35

Yeah, I think where you've gone wrong,

29:37

Jenny, is you haven't done much human trafficking. And

29:42

I think, well, that's, you know... It's

29:45

time. Well, that's

29:47

a big tick in one column on your report card.

29:50

In the Andrew Tate column, that's a very big cross.

29:52

Oh, God!

29:54

Oh, God, he's awful, isn't he? He's a bad

29:56

person, yeah.

29:57

Yeah, we'd kill each other, wouldn't we? Yeah,

29:59

we'd implode.

29:59

Before you'd even had time to listen to a psychiatric

30:02

love nest. Another

30:05

one.

30:07

Does it include the whimpering of women?

30:09

Again, I just,

30:11

you know, I was so conflicted between

30:13

wanting to learn more, but just my own mental

30:16

health.

30:16

You've got to watch it, haven't you?

30:18

I mean, this is too much. We've got to sort of have

30:21

everyday lives as well. Otherwise,

30:23

we just look at all this shit all day long, don't

30:25

we?

30:25

I mean, even just dipping into that, there's a risk

30:27

that one day I'll be putting my kids to sleep and I'll have Mr.

30:30

Producer in my head. And

30:32

that's already too much. And

30:33

you will sing that to your tiny child?

30:35

No, no, I can't. They'll go to

30:37

nursery school the next day and they'll be getting down

30:39

to Mr. Producer. And

30:41

then all the kids will be singing it. All the

30:44

kids have signum.

30:45

What have you done? You're a terrible

30:47

man. We need to have a word. He's just

30:49

been coming out with some song lyrics. The

30:51

hip-hop one? No, not those ones. He's

30:54

got some interesting ideas about women all of

30:56

a sudden. Yeah, I've been telling him about

30:58

that.

31:00

Let him watch YouTube without me supervising.

31:02

Yeah, I think Andrew Tate would just be the

31:05

worst person. And then he's got the energy with all the

31:07

sportsmen and women.

31:09

There's so much testosterone, so

31:11

much testosterone on that island

31:14

and me trying to kind of cancel

31:16

out

31:17

all that testosterone just by myself.

31:19

It's a kind of challenge I'd be quite willing to take

31:21

on. Yeah, I mean, I think it's

31:23

going to be an unremitting hellscape for

31:26

you, Jenny, but I think you're going to give it your best shot.

31:28

And I would like to watch it. But

31:31

look, we've got three dicks on the island

31:33

now. I think you've done superbly well. We're going to move on now.

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32:24

Because mercifully, amongst the wreckage

32:26

of the plane, there was some food and drink left over.

32:28

Unfortunately for you, it's your

32:30

least favorite food and drink in the world. What

32:33

are they and why are they so bad?

32:35

Well, there are two things here. It's

32:37

difficult here because there are things that I love

32:39

that I can't eat because guess what? Allergies.

32:42

I'm like a modern young person, I've got allergies.

32:47

And I'm like a millennial, you know? But

32:50

my allergy is so boring, it's tomatoes.

32:52

I can't eat anything. I come

32:54

up with mouth ulcers, which is really upsetting

32:57

because it hurts to speak

33:01

and all that and that's kind of my job. And

33:04

so I can't, you know, so one of

33:06

my nightmares would be a sort

33:09

of big, big, you

33:11

know, catering-sized tub of

33:13

spaghetti bolognese that I would love to eat,

33:16

which I can't eat. And when I did off-menu,

33:18

that was actually one of my courses that I

33:20

chose because

33:21

I crave spaghetti

33:23

bolognese. And in another universe, if I could

33:25

eat tomatoes, I'd fucking hell.

33:27

It's been years since I've had spaghetti

33:30

bolognese. Can you imagine? And you know,

33:32

even tin spaghetti hoops, I wouldn't mind

33:34

that and I can't have all these things. But

33:36

my phobia food is, I'm

33:39

very, very frightened of jelly deals.

33:41

Okay, yeah. Yes. You

33:43

know, does anybody actually eat them here?

33:45

Or the pickled herring? Or

33:48

have we got any Norwegians or Scandinavians

33:50

in? Because they're quite civilised

33:52

until that moment and then you realise they eat

33:54

those and it's all gone. I can't trust

33:57

them ever again. But yeah,

33:59

those...

33:59

those sorts of things that the fish bother

34:02

me. A bony fish. I once had

34:04

a very, very traumatic incident with

34:07

a school trip. You know, like you

34:09

went on school trips and half the year

34:12

went to Wookiee Hole or some

34:14

caves or the Isle of Man, they got the good

34:16

one. And we went to Fleetwood

34:18

Dock.

34:19

Yeah!

34:22

And that was our treat. And

34:24

this was back in the 70s and there was

34:26

no health or safety or, you

34:28

know, nobody gave a shit about

34:31

the condition of the fish. And there

34:33

was just fish heads and gizzards

34:35

and everything all over the place. And these teenage

34:38

boys that worked there that were so bored and hated their

34:40

job so much, they were just playing football with

34:43

the fish's heads. And I was so

34:45

traumatized, I had to be taken back

34:47

to the coach.

34:47

Ha ha ha ha ha!

34:50

I had to have a little number six

34:52

cigarette. Ha ha ha ha! On

34:54

the back seat, I was 14, I was very upset. God

34:58

in heaven, and it

35:00

takes me a lot now to brace myself

35:02

for a fishmonger. I still

35:04

get a bit upset.

35:06

Yeah. I think there's

35:08

a sort of balance between

35:10

traditional things being kept alive and

35:12

some things being allowed to die out. And I think

35:14

that, you know, there are not that many jelly

35:17

deal houses in London anymore,

35:19

you know, this symbol of London,

35:21

but also maybe we should just let

35:23

them die out. Let it go. Yeah, like let it go.

35:25

Like there's sometimes things die for a reason.

35:27

But it's not just, if you go to a pie

35:29

and mash shop, which I've never done, and that's ridiculous,

35:32

considering I've lived in South London for 40

35:34

years, and some

35:36

of the best pie and mash

35:38

shops are local to me, like in Peckham

35:41

or

35:41

near the Elephant and Castle. But there's

35:43

something called pie and mash. And

35:46

for many years, I thought the liquor

35:48

on pie and mash was the squeezed out

35:50

eel juice.

35:51

And I, that,

35:53

when people said, oh no, I'll go, I'll go, they

35:55

say like this, hold on, I'll go London, hold on,

35:57

hold on. I'll go for pie and mash.

35:59

Sorry, fuck,

36:02

the original Northern. I'm

36:04

going again. I'm going pie and mash. I've got to add

36:07

pie and mash. I've got to add pie and mash.

36:09

I

36:13

was channeling my friend Linda Robson there,

36:15

who is the queen of Islington. She likes pie and mash.

36:17

I like pie and mash. She

36:20

likes it. And I

36:22

just thought that that was what you've

36:26

got squeezed out eel juice. And I've always

36:28

been very sensory.

36:29

I don't know

36:31

whether I've got the right sensory. Sensory.

36:34

That sounds like I feel sexy. I don't mean that.

36:36

I have always

36:38

had this thing that if I don't like

36:41

a food stuff, I can imagine it in my mouth and

36:44

I can be sick. I can feel sick. My

36:46

daughter has inherited

36:47

this.

36:48

And I knew she could read when

36:51

she was about four or five. She looked at the pub sign

36:53

and it said the slug and lettuce. And

36:56

she just threw up on the paper. And

36:59

she went, I can feel it in my mouth. And

37:01

I thought, I've given her that. She

37:03

has inherited how weird. What a weird

37:06

thing to inherit. This awful thing.

37:08

I can't eat breakfast in hotels if

37:10

they haven't got nice curtains. You know? Okay.

37:15

This is one of my, it's a touring

37:18

problem. I mean, I'd be okay on the island because they won't

37:20

be soft furnishings that have seen better days.

37:23

It was just one of my absolute, I can't

37:26

cope with it. You know, sometimes we stay in shit hotels

37:29

because my management hate me.

37:31

And

37:33

like those really old seaside hotels

37:36

where the carpets are from the 70s or 80s and

37:38

everything, there's

37:40

a fleur de lis pattern and there's terrible

37:42

curtains. And I'm sitting in these dining

37:45

rooms and I can just feel

37:46

this carpet in my mouth. And

37:49

then terrible people are eating food all

37:51

around me. I can't stand it. Isn't

37:53

that awful? So what can

37:55

I do? And

37:56

this is my, if other people

37:58

are a bit squeamish, I can't stand it.

37:59

I think breakfast is a very intimate act.

38:03

I don't want to share it with strangers. I don't

38:05

know, no, no, no. It's for you

38:07

or the person you've been in bed with.

38:09

It's a kind of a sex meal, isn't it?

38:12

It's awesome. If you can still

38:14

look each other in the eye, you know, in the old

38:16

days, if you got up to all

38:18

sorts of filth and then you're having breakfast with

38:20

them and you can't really look each other in the eye because you

38:22

think, God, do you remember last night when we did that and

38:25

they were a bit shy of each other and that's kind of a

38:27

long time ago. But...

38:29

HE LAUGHS

38:31

But, no, what

38:33

I do nowadays

38:35

is I buy a sandwich from a motorway

38:37

service station, preferably a marx or even a

38:39

waito. I like the celery and

38:41

cheese and I keep it in a tote

38:43

bag overnight

38:45

until it's gone really squishy. And

38:47

then, no, I like that. That's

38:50

my finest breakfast. I have that in bed now. I

38:52

think, what a treat.

38:53

What? A

38:56

nice, squishy sandwich. I

39:00

mean, consistency-wise, that's not a million

39:02

miles away from jelly deals, probably. I think

39:04

you're

39:04

very wrong. I think you're very

39:06

wrong. It's just... Anyway,

39:09

I'd recommend that. It's a sort of marinated,

39:11

seasoned celery sandwich. If you

39:13

ever spot one in a Mark's Suspenses, they're quite

39:15

rare.

39:16

You know what I mean, aren't they? Yeah,

39:19

you can make your own at home, but they're never the same. And

39:21

then you have to leave them in the bottom of a tote bag. Maybe

39:24

near a radiator overnight.

39:29

I'm best practicing

39:31

by myself anyway. It

39:32

sounds like some kind of hipster thing, like tote bag

39:34

aged sandwich. It's

39:37

like the new thing, you know. Or they'll all be doing

39:39

it. Or the millennials. So,

39:41

jelly deals, though. I mean, I once saw

39:43

this programme about a fishmonger. He's a famous

39:46

fishmonger. He's called the Bastard of Billingsgate. And

39:48

he wanted to go over to America

39:51

and, like, sort of bands do. He wanted

39:53

to, like, get eels big in America.

39:55

And because he was part of a programme, for

39:57

no other reason, he kind of set up in...

39:59

interviews with people from Michelin-starred restaurants

40:03

to go, well, look, we've brought this mad person over

40:05

to see what you think of this. And obviously these high-end

40:08

chefs are going, this is disgusting, of course

40:10

I'm not gonna say, well, what can

40:12

you do to elevate it? He's like, no, no, no, you just eat it

40:14

like that with a jelly, and they were like,

40:17

tastes quite muddy, doesn't it? And he goes, yeah, no,

40:19

they do, they do taste muddy. And he's like,

40:22

right, so knowing that, why haven't

40:24

you stopped? Like, that's not a selling

40:26

point. You're like, oh, yeah, no, the mud, yeah, that's part

40:29

of it. Yeah, do you not like that? No,

40:31

I don't like eating muddy fish. No.

40:35

And then you put it in jelly.

40:36

Yeah, no, I do like some

40:38

seafood, but you're not meant to eat lobster

40:40

anymore. I can feel people bristling around

40:43

me because lobsters shouldn't be eaten, should

40:45

they, anymore.

40:47

It's the way they kill them. I

40:49

usually,

40:51

when I'm killing my lobster. I'm like,

40:53

what is that? Mother

40:58

in a tote bag.

40:59

I like to suffocate

41:02

them kindly in a tote

41:04

bag that is infused with cheese

41:06

and celery. So they die

41:08

happily and then they

41:11

boil the fuck out. But

41:13

you can never really get into them either,

41:15

can you? It's a skill

41:17

eating a lobster. I love the idea of them with a sandwich

41:19

and a pincer that you can taste the difference. It

41:23

is better when it's not fresh. Okay, so

41:25

we're gonna have some jelly deals then. Lovely

41:27

big plate of jelly deals for you. What are you gonna wash

41:30

it down with?

41:31

What did I say was my awful, oh right,

41:34

this is awful for me because obviously I'm

41:36

a functioning alcoholic.

41:40

I feel now as if I've

41:43

gate crashed an AA meeting and

41:45

I'm making jokes about being a bit of a pisshead

41:48

and everybody else has been on a journey.

41:50

Anyway, I like

41:53

a drink, but I'm very specific about

41:55

my drink. I only really like Chardonnay.

41:58

I will go for a Pinot at a...

41:59

push but

42:02

and I'm very much hoping for a glass of Chardonnay

42:04

when I finish. I'm just starting to get a bit twitchy.

42:07

No, because I never drink till 8 o'clock

42:09

at night unless I'm on stage in which case I never

42:11

ever drink until after the show

42:14

ever ever ever ever since. I

42:16

once did this this

42:18

gig at a club, a really

42:21

kind of exotic club. I don't

42:23

know whether anyone's as old as me here called the Zanzibar

42:26

Club in Covent Garden. Does anybody ever

42:28

remember that one? It was

42:30

kind of a members club and a God knows how

42:32

I got in. And I'd

42:34

done a gig and I'd then been there

42:37

and I was pissed out my head and my partner

42:39

picked me up and he had at the

42:41

time a Jagmarck 10. Now

42:44

some people will know

42:45

this car. It was gold, right? It

42:47

was massive, it was huge and I

42:49

threw up in that car and

42:51

it got into the radio and I destroyed

42:54

the radio with my sick

42:57

and he was really really angry with

42:59

me and I had never drunk

43:02

that much before a gig during

43:04

a gig or after a gig since. That really

43:07

stopped me drinking.

43:08

So I'm a Chardonnay girl.

43:10

I can now do

43:12

two large glasses. I will now

43:14

sometimes push it to two

43:17

and a small and then I'll feel it in the morning

43:19

and that's not good for

43:21

me. But I do like

43:23

alcohol and I like a drop

43:26

of port as well. So my absolute nightmare

43:28

is to be stuck with alcohol but alcohol

43:31

I don't like and that is so nyon blanc.

43:34

Which,

43:36

that would destroy

43:38

me because I'd see the bottle

43:40

glinting in the distance and

43:43

I'd be terribly excited about

43:45

and I'd think, is it a screw top? Please make it be

43:47

a screw top. Because

43:50

the worst thing in the world is,

43:52

you know, I've got a friend, right?

43:55

And she doesn't drink. She lives in the country

43:58

and occasionally I'll go to her house.

43:59

right, stay the night. This is podcast

44:02

Judith. I do a podcast with my friend Judith from

44:05

Oxfordshire, and it's called Older and Wider.

44:07

And I go to her house, right,

44:10

and she'll say something vague about alcohol,

44:12

like, I think I might have a bottle

44:14

of wine somewhere. And

44:17

I'm there going, well, what the fuck do you mean by

44:19

that? I think

44:21

I might have a bottle of wine somewhere.

44:23

Can I just say at this point, she doesn't live near,

44:25

it's not like London. You can't just go to the petrol station

44:28

or the news agents over the road. You

44:30

can't get any wine, right?

44:32

Not without hiking about five fucking

44:35

miles, right? So I'm getting more anxious

44:37

now. Because when I say, have you got

44:39

any wine? What I want her to say is, of

44:41

course I have got you some Chardonnay

44:44

chilling in the fridge, and then I can relax.

44:47

She has been seeing me on stage and

44:49

bought me a bottle of wine Chardonnay. She's well trained.

44:52

And then I've sort of looked at it and I thought, you're

44:54

still a bitch, you're not a bop.

44:56

I'm like,

44:58

I don't travel.

44:58

I'm not that needy. I don't travel with a

45:01

bop load now. But you know,

45:03

when you, there's nothing, it's a bit like

45:05

when I used to be a smoker,

45:07

and you'd have your packet of facts, and you'd

45:09

just be feeling them thinking, yeah, I can have a fax,

45:12

and then no matches and no lighter. And it's

45:14

like that terrible frustration. What do you do?

45:16

What do you do? Well, you cost them near

45:18

a stranger, obviously. But on

45:20

this desert island, if it was, you

45:23

know, the frustration

45:25

of seeing alcohol and it being so mien

45:27

blanc, and having to throw it

45:29

down my neck, because I'd have to,

45:32

because of the accountants and the footballers,

45:34

and Andrew Tate. So I'd be

45:37

pissing

45:37

my nose, and just, you know, I'd be taking

45:39

it like medicine.

45:40

Yeah, yeah. No, I think the

45:42

worst thing can be having something so

45:44

close to something you love, but a really shit version

45:47

of it, you know. And I think maybe

45:49

to really amp up the tension in the island,

45:51

we need to have a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc with

45:53

a screw top, and a Chardonnay with a cork

45:55

in it. And that bottle, no, yeah.

45:58

Yeah, that would be that.

45:58

But at that point, I'm...

45:59

I mean, I'd have to say, I'm true.

46:02

Yeah. Fight

46:04

the end off. I'm

46:05

going to be weak and see you, girl. You're so

46:07

good.

46:08

Get this out with your cock. Because

46:13

apparently, anyway, there we go.

46:15

OK, well, we have your meal sorted,

46:17

Jenny. Now, mercifully, you won't

46:19

be without entertainment on the island.

46:22

The plane's entertainment system continued

46:24

to work. But just your luck only has two working

46:26

settings. One is your least favorite film of

46:28

all time, and the other is your least favorite

46:30

song. What are they and why?

46:32

Oh, this is really hard, because I'm

46:35

not big on films. I don't

46:38

really know them. My

46:40

partner is really, really big on films.

46:43

Although, I live with an

46:45

older man, he's 75. Once

46:48

we were on a flight, and he was

46:50

watching this really, really, it

46:52

was, oh, god, I wish I could remember what

46:54

it was called. But it was like a thriller,

46:57

and it was really dark. And

46:59

it was like all the best actors were in it. It was really

47:01

dark. And I

47:02

knew he was struggling with it. He couldn't really hear it. He

47:04

couldn't really see it. We were on this flight. And

47:06

I fell asleep. And then I woke up, because I could hear him

47:09

chuckling, right? He's 75. And he was there

47:11

going, ha ha ha. And

47:13

I glanced at his screen, and he swapped

47:16

the film over, and he was watching Kung Fu Panda 2.

47:18

And he ran away.

47:21

So anyway, the films

47:24

that bore me, I'm

47:29

very lazy. And Jeff and I often wake

47:32

up at about 8 o'clock in the morning. We're not really

47:34

prepared to get out of bed. We don't have, you

47:36

know, I don't have young children living

47:38

in the house. I've got a grandchild, and I get up for him.

47:40

But you know, most of the time, I can't be asked. And

47:43

so we like talking pictures.

47:45

Do you watch talking pictures?

47:47

Some of the people know talking pictures. It's

47:50

on a free view channel. Do you know

47:51

it? I don't know it, sorry.

47:53

Well, do you

47:56

have time to find out about it? It's one of those

47:58

things that post 50.

47:59

it'll be like a revelation to you. And

48:02

you'll go, look at the fox talking pictures.

48:04

It's like, it's all the old films.

48:06

And sometimes in the morning, there'll be a black

48:09

and white crime paper. And

48:11

my favorite ones are set, you know, when there's

48:13

a few scenes in a nightclub, and

48:15

there's a naughty girl with her breasts

48:18

out, and diamonds and all that. And

48:20

there's some shenanigans going on. And then

48:22

at the end, the police come in, ding-ling-ling-ling-ling. There's

48:24

that bell still, and all this, very exciting.

48:27

But the films, I don't like the black and white cowboy

48:29

films that come on in the morning sometimes. And

48:32

I don't like, okay, these are the more

48:34

specific that I don't like. I

48:36

don't like Charlie Chaplin, or any

48:38

of those black and white. So

48:40

the Charlie Chaplins, and any of those

48:42

other twats that used to muck about falling

48:45

off things, and getting

48:47

planks in their faces, and all that kind

48:49

of crap. And

48:52

I sort of like slapstick, but only

48:54

up to a point. To the point

48:56

where when people go bang on

48:58

about that scene in Only Falls

48:59

and Horses, when he falls through the flap

49:02

in the bar, I can feel my

49:04

fists clench. And I want

49:06

to say, fuck off. Fuck

49:09

off. And it's not that, I mean,

49:11

it's great, it's good, but it can't be

49:13

the only best thing in the world, shut up.

49:17

And I, yeah, so it's Charlie

49:19

Chaplin. And those, you know the

49:21

American ones, with the Marx brothers?

49:24

I mean, I just think it's a thing that women

49:27

don't particularly like. I wonder if there

49:29

are any women in this room that genuinely

49:32

ever enjoy The Goon Show.

49:34

No, you wouldn't, because we're normal.

49:38

Not that

49:38

I'm saying it's normal, but it's just

49:41

a sort of thing

49:43

that I realised divided

49:45

me from people who

49:47

like that kind of thing. And I think

49:50

for a long time when I was young, I worried

49:52

that I might not have a sense of humour, because

49:54

that was like the diet, that's what you got.

49:57

And I just thought, I hate this, I hate

49:59

it.

49:59

I hate it. I hate it so much than

50:02

said. I was taken to see a

50:04

film when I was about four and we lived

50:06

on an American,

50:09

not an American. I just, I

50:11

lie sometimes. Sometimes

50:14

things come out of my mouth and I think, oh, go

50:16

with that. They don't know. But that

50:18

is just all kinds of wrong. I lived on

50:20

an English, a British army

50:22

base in Berlin and there

50:25

was sort of Saturday morning cinema for the

50:27

kids. So I think that's where I got the hatred

50:29

with the Charlie Chaplin shit. And

50:31

then, right

50:32

in this mist, honestly,

50:35

a genius, a comedy

50:37

genius, that shit. But,

50:40

and then when I saw a St. Trinian's

50:43

film, maybe I was a little bit older, and this

50:45

relief,

50:46

this absolute relief at laughing

50:49

at something that I found funny and glorious.

50:52

I mean, hideously dated now,

50:54

but that was when I thought, no,

50:57

I can laugh

50:58

at things. Yeah, I've never

51:00

really got into that sort of era of films. And

51:03

I heard a really established comedian who I love recently

51:05

talking about Laurel and Hardy and how like

51:08

every joke that exists today

51:10

is in those Laurel and Hardy things. Would that be Paul

51:12

Merton? He's an absolute obsessive

51:15

Laurel and Hardy in that.

51:16

Adrian Edmondson. But he

51:18

was like, every joke is in these Laurel

51:20

and Hardy films, I thought, mainly the jokes

51:22

about someone turning around with a long ladder and knocking

51:25

someone out or the one, you know, the joke

51:27

about the house falling down and the land on the door.

51:29

Which was done by that genius Turner

51:31

prize winner, Steven,

51:33

oh God, you know, the black guy.

51:35

Steve McQueen, McQueen? Steve McQueen? Steve

51:37

McQueen, yeah, yeah, he reenacted that,

51:39

didn't he? But I prefer his other work. Anyway.

51:43

Yeah, I just sort of, although

51:46

life's slapstick, and I think it's interesting you

51:48

mentioned Adrian Edmondson because,

51:51

you know, Bottom was wonderful

51:54

for that. And I haven't read

51:56

the biography

51:57

yet, but it's on my list because, you

51:59

know, it is. It's fascinating to have that double act

52:03

kind of thing. I'm searching

52:05

for words I can't remember. What is it, William? Dynamic?

52:09

Yes! God, it's good. Yeah,

52:12

and I once went to the, and

52:15

I wasn't expecting to enjoy it, and it was

52:17

a production of Some Mothers Do Adam,

52:20

but it was a theater version. My

52:22

friend Susie Blake was in it. She did Grumpel Women

52:24

with me, and I went, so it was as a mate and all that. And

52:27

Joe Pascuali was playing the

52:30

Frank Spencer character,

52:32

and I watched this man do

52:34

physical slapstick on stage,

52:37

including

52:39

coming down a whole

52:41

banister rail, every banister rail falling

52:43

out, and it's all ending up between his legs,

52:46

and it was just so incredibly

52:48

brilliantly done. I sort of like mentally

52:51

put my hands up and went, it's actually really

52:53

fucked, went in the right place, but

52:56

I miss words. I get

52:58

anxious when there aren't words. It's like, I

53:00

don't like classical music. I don't know what you're

53:02

meant to do. If you went to a classical music concert,

53:04

what are you meant to do? Just sit there.

53:06

I think so, yeah.

53:08

I mean, I think it'd be fine if I could

53:10

take some knitting or some embroidery

53:12

or maybe a jigsaw puzzle, but the

53:14

idea of sitting with

53:17

my hands on my lap,

53:18

I mean, I don't think you'd get

53:20

kicked out for that. I

53:23

don't think you'd get kicked out for doing knitting or jigsaw

53:25

puzzles. It's a quiet kind of hobby.

53:28

Yeah, but probably not that interesting.

53:31

Well, look, okay, we're gonna give you a

53:34

never-ending loop of the Charlie

53:36

Chaplin, Buster Keaton, kind of Laurel

53:38

and Hardy kind of films, but

53:41

when you feel like some music, what's it gonna

53:43

be?

53:43

I'm miserable bad most of

53:45

the time, a difficult

53:47

woman, and as Andrew Tate is

53:49

gonna find out, and I

53:52

don't like hen

53:53

party music.

53:54

I'm just gonna describe it as that.

53:57

I find the idea of enforced

53:59

fun.

54:00

very, very claustrophobic and upsetting.

54:03

And I flee from

54:05

it whenever I possibly can. And I know

54:07

that I'm meant to be a comedian,

54:09

but I'm not really. I've

54:12

been lying, I'm a poisonous,

54:15

back tempered, vicious

54:17

bitch to my very

54:19

core. So the whole thing

54:22

of women whooping and

54:24

singing lyrics like

54:27

It's Raining Men,

54:30

it makes me shrivel, it makes

54:32

my vagina clench very hard. So

54:35

hard that Andrew

54:37

Tate would think that I was a 15 year

54:39

old virgin. That's

54:41

how hard

54:44

my vagina would clench.

54:48

I may have

54:50

crossed a line. I

54:52

think that's the thing. We've got plenty

54:55

more time, don't worry. No, no, no, I haven't. You're

55:00

definitely not getting on Desert Island this time. Oh

55:04

dear, how's this? And their losses are gain,

55:06

you know. Yeah, I think it's

55:08

Raining Men. You know, that whole idea of like, I

55:10

wanna go out, it's Raining Men.

55:12

And I just think of that literally. And I just think

55:14

it would just be absolute chaos. Like, oh,

55:17

I'm gonna go outside, I'm gonna let myself

55:19

get absolutely smoking wet. And

55:22

then, so a man falls down.

55:24

Loads of accountant. Yeah, people

55:26

driving along, into the wind. Who

55:29

is this barbaric?

55:29

If I was first on the desert island and

55:32

then the others fell from the plane after me,

55:34

literally would be Raining Men, wouldn't it? From

55:36

the plane and they'd be Raining Accountants and

55:38

footballers and sports players, nurses

55:40

of the year and Andrew fucking Tate,

55:43

the nightmare scenario. Just

55:45

after that bit,

55:46

I don't think so. Just

55:49

maimed people everywhere. Yeah, it doesn't really

55:51

get me in the mood for a good night out. So

55:53

yeah, I mean, I think the idea of you on an

55:55

island with Andrew Tate, it's Raining Men

55:57

playing and you forcing down. Wait,

56:01

which one was it again? The Sauvignon Blanc. Sauvignon

56:04

Blanc. I mean, God, what a hellscape, Jenny. It really

56:06

is. I now am

56:08

feeling quite crazy. I'm

56:09

upset myself. Okay,

56:12

well, you're doing a superb job, and the

56:14

measure of your uncomfortableness is testament

56:16

to how great a job you're doing at this. But

56:18

we're nearly out of the woods, because

56:21

finally, the island is overrun by the

56:23

biggest dick of all the animals. Which

56:26

animal is it and why?

56:26

Right. Well, I

56:29

think I've already mentioned it. I'm

56:31

very, very frightened of jellyfish. I

56:34

just am, really, because they are...

56:38

Well, they're sort of nice in an aquarium,

56:40

because they're sort of very beautiful. But

56:42

in actual fact, again, it's that thing

56:45

of... I can imagine it in my mouth.

56:47

And when I was young, after

56:50

Berlin, when my dad stopped being a spy,

56:52

we moved to a place called Lism

56:54

St. Anne's, which is on the

56:57

northwest coast. And often

56:59

jellyfish would be washed up on

57:01

the shore. And you go down

57:03

there, and there'd be boys, 12-year-old

57:05

boys, would be poking dead jellyfish with

57:07

sticks. And that is all... I

57:10

find that really triggering and upsetting. And

57:12

jellyfish is always... Yeah,

57:14

I don't like them.

57:15

No, they're very weird, because it's so

57:17

impossible to... Like, they don't have a brain,

57:19

do they? No brain. And

57:21

some of them have multiple assholes. I

57:24

mean, like, Google Boy. Google

57:26

Boy?

57:29

Because some of you young people

57:32

are really quick on the Google. Look

57:34

up jellyfish with the most assholes.

57:37

And I think we will find

57:39

out how many do you think it is? And

57:42

just take Izzy. Yes.

57:45

But I think there is a breed of jellyfish

57:47

that has... I think

57:49

it's... I'm going

57:50

to guess... You just dropped me phone.

57:52

10,000 assholes. 10,000 assholes.

57:56

Have we got anybody going

57:58

higher than 10,000 assholes?

58:03

He's going to read out all jellyfish have

58:05

one bumhole and one bumhole only

58:07

and I'm going to be so disappointed.

58:11

Okay, he's doing some research.

58:13

You get back to us. We'll call back

58:15

to you on this. I think they're

58:18

impossible to deal with because I remember going away

58:20

to Sicily and it was this beautiful beach

58:23

and it was like just so idyllic and picturesque

58:26

and the sea was just teeming with the buggers.

58:28

And it's not like anything else. Oh, lovely

58:30

spot but that beach does have quite a lot of wild dogs

58:33

but you can shoo them away. It's like jellyfish. They're

58:35

not scared because they've got no eyes or

58:37

brain. You can't go out of the way jellyfish.

58:39

I want to swim. They're

58:41

just sort of just waiting

58:42

to sting you. And that beach is then

58:44

spoiled forever. You just go down the next

58:47

day and they've all gone. They're there in your

58:49

head. They haunt. You can

58:51

never get rid of that images and

58:53

being there. They spoil everything.

58:54

Yeah, they're just like aquatic marshmallows

58:57

but with stingers. My daughter

58:59

is my stung and she's

59:01

a reactor like I am. I'm a reactor.

59:03

You know, like some people get stung or bitten or whatever

59:06

and we immediately come up with massive

59:08

lumps and hives and purple weeping

59:10

swords. And she ended up in hospital

59:12

with her and she was only in Shoreham. She

59:14

was off shore and beach.

59:16

You wouldn't think

59:19

there'd be a

59:19

jellyfish off shore and beach

59:21

that could cause that much damage. How

59:24

you doing with the jellyfish arsehole? There's

59:27

nothing on them.

59:28

They

59:33

eat what?

59:36

They

59:39

don't have the... Oh, maybe I've got

59:41

the wrong animal completely. I don't know.

59:44

Well, we'll take us further reading for you

59:46

all to pursue in your own time.

59:49

You've all got homework to do when you get home.

59:51

Yeah, you can report back. Email

59:54

lesson, we'll think about it. OK,

59:56

oh, yeah, great. Well, look, Jenny, this

59:58

is my cue to say. that you've

1:00:01

done a perfect job of creating

1:00:03

an awful, awful island with

1:00:05

all of the worst people and things you could possibly imagine. But

1:00:07

now it's the audience's turn, because something we like

1:00:09

to do is something called Compact Dicks, where

1:00:12

you guys get to have your choice of people

1:00:14

and things that you hate. So we've got a few here. I've

1:00:16

got a great one here. I don't know

1:00:18

who put this in, but they're

1:00:21

most despised people that they don't want

1:00:23

to share an island with.

1:00:24

Influencer.

1:00:26

Excellent. A comedian.

1:00:31

A member of the royal family, any of

1:00:33

them. And this is one of my favourites.

1:00:35

A class of children. A class

1:00:38

of children!

1:00:40

And then, finishing

1:00:41

off with Matt Hancock and Jacob Rees-Morg.

1:00:43

Yeah, but the class of children does

1:00:45

it for me. Yeah, brilliant. Well done.

1:00:47

Yeah, I've got someone here who's put children. Or

1:00:50

a cannibal. So you've

1:00:52

got both ends.

1:00:53

The cannibal can start with the kids, and then, you

1:00:55

know, while it's having a post-prandial

1:00:58

nap, you can run away. This is

1:01:00

good as well. My ex-husband. My

1:01:03

ex-husband, who is an accountant!

1:01:06

Got

1:01:10

one from you. OK, we've got film,

1:01:12

titanic, due to length, tedium,

1:01:15

national stereotypes and

1:01:17

anachronisms. I love how it's been broken

1:01:19

down very thoroughly. Really

1:01:22

nice. Very good work there.

1:01:24

Thank you very much for that. Oh,

1:01:27

hold on.

1:01:29

The things I least want to be stuck on a desert

1:01:31

island with.

1:01:32

One

1:01:35

of them is really good. Annual membership of the V&A.

1:01:38

That would be so infuriating

1:01:40

if you'd just taken that out. You

1:01:43

just spent, I think it's £70

1:01:45

for the V&A annual membership. And you just,

1:01:48

you've forked out. And you're planning,

1:01:50

once you get back on this plane trip, to go see the

1:01:52

Coco Chanel exhibition, because you can't

1:01:54

get into it unless you remember. And you're

1:01:57

stuck on a fucking desert island, just

1:01:59

looking. at that membership card. How frustrating

1:02:02

would that be? Are you trying

1:02:05

to talk about it with Andrew Tate and he wouldn't understand?

1:02:07

This

1:02:10

one is very much a top ten. I'm just going to have to

1:02:12

read them in order. Matt Hancock, Jeremy Clarkson,

1:02:15

Russell Bann, Boris Johnson, Mosquitoes, Liz

1:02:17

Trust, Nadine Dorris. I think

1:02:19

that's the only list where mosquitoes are the least annoying

1:02:22

thing, I think.

1:02:23

I wouldn't

1:02:24

mind being stuck with them over those.

1:02:26

And people who use the phrase, put

1:02:28

it this way, put

1:02:30

it this way, all the accountants, all

1:02:33

the accountants would be saying, well let's put

1:02:35

it this way, all day long.

1:02:37

You just know they would, yeah,

1:02:38

absolutely right. We've got another

1:02:41

Andrew Tate one. I mean obviously we've discussed

1:02:43

him in detail but I think it's

1:02:45

good to have him again. Piers Corbin.

1:02:47

Oh he is an absolute wanker, isn't

1:02:50

he? He really is. He's a terrible, terrible

1:02:52

dangerous man. And they give him air

1:02:54

time, they let him spout his nonsense

1:02:57

into microphones. It just makes me very

1:02:59

angry because he is frightful, frightful.

1:03:02

Yeah, I'm in agreement

1:03:04

with all

1:03:05

these people. I think we've had a very good

1:03:07

audience contribution there so thank you very much. He's

1:03:09

a lot of

1:03:09

bright, aren't they? Yeah,

1:03:13

good, good, good.

1:03:15

Well done everybody. You're

1:03:18

looking for a ship on that. Oh

1:03:20

no, they're mine. That's to remind me what to say.

1:03:23

Oh no, sorry. But

1:03:25

I think we've done very well. You've done very well and Jenny

1:03:27

you've done a superb job so thank you so

1:03:29

much for letting us... We're overstaying

1:03:31

our welcome now, these people, it's an hour.

1:03:33

Yeah, well thank you very much for sharing

1:03:35

your desert island, Dixler, it's been such a pleasure. It's

1:03:38

been

1:03:38

an absolute pleasure. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.

1:03:40

Thank you. Thank you. Thank

1:03:43

you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank

1:03:46

you. Thank you. Thank

1:03:48

you. Thank you. Thank

1:03:50

you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank

1:03:57

you. and

1:04:00

Dix wasn't she fantastic it's

1:04:02

just so much fun to hang out with Jenny as well

1:04:05

yeah I don't know it's just a

1:04:07

brilliant guest I really enjoyed chatting to and

1:04:09

hanging out before and after the show

1:04:12

and yeah that's it really so look that's it

1:04:14

for me for a little while now I will be

1:04:17

back at some point hopefully in the future

1:04:19

me and James are kind of working out a plan but

1:04:22

yeah I need to deal with some family stuff for a while

1:04:24

first and yeah hopefully

1:04:26

then I will be back again and me

1:04:28

and James might even team up and

1:04:30

do a double tour de force or

1:04:33

something but we've got big plans for Desert Island

1:04:35

Dix we don't want it to go anywhere at one

1:04:37

point we thought we might have to stop doing it but

1:04:39

I don't know the idea just made us too sad so

1:04:41

we're gonna keep it going and I hope

1:04:44

you enjoy it okay thank you

1:04:46

all for listening and hope you

1:04:48

continue to listen I will

1:04:50

be back at some point love

1:04:53

you lots bye bye