0:13

Hi

0:14

I'm James Deakin and welcome to Desert Island

0:16

Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert

0:18

island after a plane crash with the worst people

0:20

and worst things imaginable. Who they are

0:23

and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And

0:25

here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today

0:27

is stand up comedian Lindsay Santoro. Hello

0:30

Lindsay. Hello

0:30

how are you? I'm fine how

0:32

are you doing? When I asked you how

0:35

to introduce you I asked and I

0:37

said some people like stand up comedian

0:39

and other things they might be like writer

0:41

or podcaster. What did you recommend that I

0:43

introduce you as?

0:46

I said stand up comedian and general tram.

0:49

I thought

0:51

it would sound better coming from you.

0:53

I didn't feel that was appropriate. You were like I'm

0:55

not saying that. My chair went

0:57

down then. Oh God sorry. That's

1:01

alright. I bought this chair

1:03

off Amazon and every now and again the pressure

1:06

goes I'll just fall. Which

1:09

is for a podcast you can't see that but

1:11

essentially what happened was I was half way through talking

1:13

and disappeared. I mean like we

1:15

sometimes put out video clips and maybe that is it.

1:18

It's already happened in the first two minutes. We've got

1:20

our clip for this episode.

1:23

Thank you so much for joining

1:26

me Lindsay. Lindsay how did you find choosing

1:28

your people and things for the Desert Island?

1:30

I quite enjoyed it. I realised

1:32

although I'm quite like a negative person

1:35

I don't dislike that many

1:37

things intently where

1:39

I wouldn't like to be on

1:41

an island with them or it so

1:43

it was a bit hard really. And

1:45

a lot of the people I don't like I wouldn't

1:48

say on this podcast because it would ruin my

1:51

career. So it's very difficult

1:53

in a way but also quite cathartic.

1:56

So I enjoyed it. We

1:59

get a lot of people saying

5:59

I don't know if you remember it. And it just made

6:02

me paranoid that all

6:03

the time, no lesbians could be

6:06

filming me. Yeah. Yeah.

6:08

Yeah, that's awful. That's an

6:11

awful thought.

6:12

It's just like you're in your house or you're just like,

6:14

I don't know, getting out of the bath and you're like,

6:17

is he gonna pop out? Is

6:19

he in the boiler again, crying?

6:22

Get out now. Stop

6:25

it. I mean, like,

6:27

not to be too pedantic, but he's not even your

6:29

choice. Oh no, yeah. He's just a

6:31

blobby, he's your choice. Yes.

6:34

Do you know what, he's such a good choice. Yeah, I

6:36

could

6:37

watch, when I feel sad, I watch

6:39

videos of him on YouTube, just kicking

6:41

people, just awful.

6:43

He's so bad. But the

6:46

thought of being

6:46

stuck actually, physically

6:49

within the remit of him,

6:53

is not okay. Because I always think, if

6:55

I'm stuck on an island with him, he's got massive

6:58

fingers. What can he do, nothing?

7:00

And I get the feeling that one day I'd get up and

7:02

he'd just be floating face down in the sea.

7:05

And then you've gotta bury him, and he's massive.

7:08

And

7:10

Mr. Blobby's an inconvenience.

7:12

Don't flop your head. He is an inconvenience. You'd

7:16

have to build a raft, and like, although

7:18

you could use it to get to safety, you'd have to just

7:20

send him off.

7:21

Do you know what I mean? Like the captain's death, just like

7:23

send him off into the sea. Yeah, because if you set him

7:26

on fire, he's

7:26

plastic, isn't he? That's just gonna sting. You're

7:28

just watching mouth.

7:32

Mr. Blobby, I don't know if Mr. Blobby's been

7:35

chosen on here before, and so I am quite impressed.

7:37

I think that is a good choice, because

7:39

you're just trying to get through. Do you

7:41

know what I mean? You're trying to get through every day, and

7:44

you've just got Mr. Blobby just a hindra. Oh,

7:46

he's a prick, isn't he? But can I say

7:48

prick? Yeah, classic,

7:50

yeah. Love him, love his cover,

7:52

geez.

7:53

I don't even know if Mr. Blobby's still the

7:55

same person. Surely

7:57

Mr. Blobby's too old to be Mr. Blobby

7:59

now.

7:59

and then blobby within is a different blob.

8:02

How does that? Yeah, I agree, please.

8:04

Unless it, I'd love to know if it's the same person

8:07

that's been Mr. Blobby the whole time. Did you see they

8:09

were selling his suit on eBay?

8:13

No. Oh, I can't remember how much it went for, but

8:15

it was well tattooed. It was

8:17

rank. Like, you know, he's always such a flobble. Oh, really? Ugh.

8:20

It's very funny. Ugh. I,

8:23

do you know what's like,

8:25

original Mr. Blobby suit sold on eBay

8:27

for an eye-watering price? It went for 62,000

8:29

pounds.

8:36

That's wild.

8:36

And here's me setting it on fire when he's dead.

8:39

That's awful. I know. If

8:42

anything, you wanna like, build a shelter for that on

8:44

the island, so at least when you get home, you get a nice

8:46

payoff. Imagine

8:48

the inside of it. I bet that was so sweaty

8:50

for the wearer of Mr. Blobby. I can't remember

8:52

how he used to be able to see. Did

8:55

they look out their mouth? Because

8:57

the eyes weren't real, were

8:58

they? And no one's always on the top of

9:00

their head. No.

9:03

I'd love to think the actual bloke was

9:06

just like some eye-haired man inside.

9:08

He's just like, found the one guy who can

9:10

see out of Mr. Blobby. That's the

9:13

talent. Maybe that's why he trashed the place all the time. He

9:15

couldn't see anything.

9:16

And it's lovely

9:18

when they invite him on stuff like this morning,

9:21

and you know what's gonna happen. And

9:23

you can hear in your own head, the

9:25

producers going, oh God. Like

9:28

Gino de Campo's getting punched in the head.

9:30

Alison Hammond's died because Mr. Blobby's

9:33

sat on her. Just think. Yeah,

9:36

it's good. Great to watch, but I don't want it near

9:38

me. Thank you very much.

9:41

He's getting his own back for

9:44

when Alison Hammond sat on that little woman June.

9:48

Have you seen that? Oh, it's

9:50

amazing. The clip when Ainsley Harriot walks in

9:53

and he says, well, hello June. Yes. You

9:55

haven't seen that. They're on the sofa, this tiny

9:58

little woman. She's like 90 and Alison. and Hammond

10:00

is just like, it's sad.

10:03

And he's like, he's gonna make you breakfast.

10:06

And he comes in and goes, hello, June.

10:09

Hello, June. Oh, I'm

10:11

sorry about that. I remember the time

10:13

she accidentally pushed somebody off the floating

10:15

weather map.

10:17

Yes. I love

10:19

that. She did, yeah. That's why

10:21

they sent Blobby in. I love her too, I think

10:23

she's brilliant. She's absolutely brilliant. She can be awesome.

10:26

More Alice than on TV, I think. She could be on my island

10:28

any day. Yeah, yeah. For

10:31

all the right reasons. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Right,

10:34

Lindsay. Okay, Mr. Blobby, fantastic

10:36

first choice. Chaos Island, who's gonna be your second

10:38

choice?

10:39

Well, Nigella Lawson. Just

10:42

because

10:43

my husband fancies her. And I'm

10:45

not having

10:45

it. Oh. I'm not having it.

10:47

Also, could you imagine her cooking? She'd

10:50

be like, sucking off a fish rather

10:52

than doing anything with it. Well, come

10:54

on, Nigella,

10:55

we're hungry.

10:56

Yeah. You

10:59

don't eat, you're just absolutely starving.

11:01

And she's just like, ooh, yeah, yeah,

11:03

yeah. Making everything sexy.

11:06

You're like, no. Max, I don't cook.

11:12

That is the long and short

11:14

of it. And

11:15

when I do cook, it's very basic, like

11:18

chef's pie, pasta bae,

11:21

sausage casserole, which I've worked out is just

11:24

gravy and onions and sausage. But the

11:26

idea of just doing something

11:29

like that and

11:32

trying to make it sexual is

11:34

very odd.

11:35

But she does it so well that it infuriates

11:38

me.

11:39

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like,

11:42

I don't know. You should do a YouTube

11:44

series where you do like pasta bakes and

11:47

stuff in a darjela style. I

11:49

would watch that. I

11:51

don't think I could do it. It's

11:54

just like, it is just slutty pasta

11:56

and you dirty, dirty pigs.

11:59

and a tin of tomato. She's

12:04

too attractive and she's too perfect.

12:07

And

12:09

she's just... If

12:13

we double back to your first thing that you said,

12:15

it was that your husband fancies you. And

12:18

so you're not seeing him, you're

12:20

stuck in a desert island with these people and things. If

12:22

you're seeing her every day being like, he

12:25

really fancies you, that's going to

12:27

eat away at you, I think. Also, if I got rescued from

12:29

the island,

12:30

and David,

12:32

my beautiful husband,

12:34

came to pick me up and not jealous

12:36

there. And I've been on an island, I don't know,

12:38

let's say three years, and

12:41

my whole beard's grown, I've got hairy

12:43

legs, my roots have grown out, my

12:45

eyebrows and

12:45

his name joined together. And

12:47

there's no jealous looking

12:49

like a voluptuous egg, just like,

12:52

you're not going to be happy to see me.

12:55

You're not. He's just

12:57

like, oh, do you know what? Oh,

12:59

well, I know, Pialla. That's

13:05

annoying. He's so annoying.

13:10

You know what? I like that

13:12

you do get rescued from this island because

13:14

a lot of people do wither and die, so thank you.

13:17

Oh, no, I'm getting off. Just pure... I

13:19

can't cope with it. Determined,

13:22

yeah. I appreciate it. That's good. That's nice.

13:25

Okay, so we've got Nigella and Mr Blobby

13:27

so far. Yeah, you're

13:29

creating quite the island. Who's

13:31

going to be your third choice? Well,

13:33

I was going to put a collective

13:35

group of toddlers, but I

13:37

thought I can't really do that, so I've gone...

13:40

And I can't put my own kid on there because it's

13:42

just me and so... I thought, what is the

13:44

most similar thing to my daughter? And

13:46

I said, Pingo.

13:47

What

13:49

do you mean? The most similar

13:51

thing to your daughter? Watch

13:55

Pingo recently as an asshole. He's

13:57

a fucking dick. He pisses

13:59

on the floor.

13:59

He fucks about

14:02

with the toilet, he pushes

14:04

people over and then his mum goes, put

14:06

the colour back above the boat and he goes, that is a toddler.

14:10

And the idea of just having that on an island

14:12

where you go, Pingu, could you go

14:15

and look on the beach for

14:17

some rocks and he goes, I'd

14:19

be like, I'd gint him

14:21

into the sea. And

14:23

then he piss on everything, he'd

14:26

eat everything. Pingu

14:29

can just, why was that ever

14:31

made? Like, I watch it and

14:32

I go, this is terrible. Like,

14:35

when I was little I thought it was the best thing I've ever watched.

14:38

But the episode where he just

14:40

pisses on everything. He literally

14:42

pisses on everything. Yeah,

14:44

he's a big pister, isn't he? Yeah,

14:47

that's so funny that he did that in a kids boat. You

14:49

wouldn't get away with that now, would you? Well, Wallace and Gromit,

14:51

they're made of plasticine, they're not pissing

14:53

on everything. They're not pissing on stuff,

14:56

yeah. But like, imagine if you're watching like, in the

14:58

night garden and they're just always just having a slash

15:00

on the tree. Do you know what I mean? They just wouldn't

15:02

do that now. It's just not a thing. Hell,

15:05

you say that but Opsy-Date and Opsy-Dacy,

15:07

what are they? There's like them three in the, I've

15:10

tried to blank them out. There's three

15:12

of them whose trousers fall off all

15:15

the time. Yeah, you're right. And then you've got Opsy-Dacy

15:17

snogged everybody.

15:19

She does, she's a bit promiscuous. She's

15:21

a bit of a slag. She's

15:24

a bit of a slag. What

15:27

about those three things

15:29

called?

15:31

The tumbly booze.

15:33

The tumbly booze, wow. You

15:35

do have a two-year-old. My kids are

15:37

five and eight now and so like, we

15:40

don't have that anymore. I don't watch that anymore

15:42

but at one point, it was an obsession. Yeah.

15:45

But what you said about Pingu and watching it as a

15:47

kid, I watched it as well and I loved it

15:50

and

15:51

maybe it's because we can just relate. Yeah.

15:55

We are Pingu at that age. Pingu

15:58

is

15:59

all of us. And Pingu is a

16:01

prick. He

16:05

just f***ed, he's horrible, he's just really

16:07

horrible. Please, if you find any

16:09

time in your day to day, just watch Pingu

16:12

for 10 minutes and

16:14

realise

16:15

what an awful s***. And

16:17

you can't even blame the parents because they're

16:19

doing the best. He's horrible,

16:21

he's horrible to his sister who

16:24

is a one, also a baby.

16:27

He's horrible to his friend the seal, like

16:29

slaps him about. He

16:31

eats everything. He's

16:33

not a nice boy. And

16:35

the way they eat with

16:38

their little mouth, that makes me feel sick. I couldn't

16:40

sit opposite that and watch this little big

16:42

mould around a can of whatever.

16:45

Yeah, yeah, he's a little like, long mouth like. He's

16:49

really like sticks, I just like conjure

16:51

up on face. Yeah,

16:54

no, that's good. This is really good.

16:57

Pingu would be f***ing awful. And now he's

16:59

not a person, but I just thought, I've

17:02

got to put a couple around. People

17:03

looking for social services.

17:06

They will.

17:08

It's funny because our conversation pre-recording

17:11

was about how our

17:14

kids are just battering us through the night at the minute.

17:16

I have a friend whose

17:19

kid is the same age and their kids

17:21

slept through the night for about six months. And

17:27

I've just, when will that happen?

17:29

Yeah, well,

17:32

I would say we had a really good period

17:35

for a while that they did. They both did

17:37

and we had amazing sleep. So hopefully for

17:39

you that will come. But I

17:41

am living proof that just

17:43

enjoy it while it lasts because that

17:45

can come crashing back down on you at

17:49

any moment. So once you get those nights,

17:51

those long nights, Lindsay, if I can give you any

17:53

advices, don't cook any live shows

17:55

for a while and just go to bed early. Mate,

17:58

if you can do it.

17:59

Do you know what's good about her which I

18:02

will

18:02

say for future

18:05

reference if she ever listened to this

18:07

podcast?

18:08

I love you. Also

18:11

she does sleep in, it's

18:13

a nightmare to get her up in the morning so

18:16

when she's from about

18:19

six o'clock onwards you know

18:21

you're safe. She won't be up till about ten.

18:23

She would stay in bed all day. Oh

18:25

that's brilliant, yeah that's brilliant. That's your time

18:28

to shine. Sorry that we booked this podcast

18:30

at such an inconvenient time you should be asleep. I know she

18:32

was up early this morning. Oh right

18:35

okay. She wee wee'd. She wee wee'd. She

18:37

wee wee'd. She

18:39

wee wee'd. She

18:42

wee wee'd through and up there. She wee wee'd.

18:45

So similar to Pingu. Yes,

18:47

I'm everywhere.

18:48

A great choice of

18:50

things, people and things for the island

18:53

I'd say. They are an

18:55

awful compromise. They're everywhere, you love

18:57

this chaos. Do you know what I mean? You're just

19:00

not having any respite here and from

19:02

the looks of things you've set up an island. This

19:04

might be a reflection on your day to day life. You're

19:06

having to do everything. Do

19:08

you know what I mean? I'm so lazy we'd

19:10

just die. We would just

19:13

die.

19:14

I think Nigella would pull her finger out.

19:17

Yeah. Oh out of the four of you,

19:19

you and Nigella but maybe you're saying... If

19:23

it looks like

19:25

it's going to be hard work,

19:27

I would just lie on the beach

19:29

and let myself burn to a crisp and

19:32

then let the waves come and take me to

19:34

sea. Because that's the best thing

19:37

for everybody because I'm not going to help.

19:40

I've always said that like a zombie apocalypse just

19:42

let me go. I'm

19:43

going to run straight out and let them out. No because

19:46

I can't be bothered

19:49

to run. Just walk out. Let them do

19:51

the running depending on what type of zombies they are. Okay,

19:54

well let's try and keep you alive

19:56

for a little while longer. Now,

19:59

mercifully among I'm the wreckage of the plane, there was some

20:01

food and drink left over, but unfortunately for

20:03

you, it's your least favourite food and drink

20:05

in the world. What are they and why are they

20:08

so bad? Purge.

20:12

God, so let's talk food first, right,

20:14

porridge. Porridge.

20:16

Do you just hate porridge?

20:17

I don't like to eat anything that tastes

20:20

like it's my own sick, like the texture.

20:23

So like porridge rice pudding, I

20:25

just, I don't get it. I don't get why

20:27

people

20:28

like even, you know,

20:32

it's so same, even when they like

20:34

stick, like most of them put jam

20:36

in it. I'm just like, now you've got

20:37

sugary, sugary mush.

20:40

Yeah, yeah,

20:42

yeah. I do eat a porridge

20:44

sometimes, especially when it's cold, I do have a,

20:46

I'm fine with that. But like, I get what you mean about

20:49

textures. So like, I couldn't eat a trifle

20:51

because to me that's just like, that's

20:54

just too many elements, just making

20:56

them sick like texture. Yeah, altogether

20:58

like that. Rice pudding I would never do. Never ever rice pudding.

21:00

I didn't realise they used actual

21:02

rice. Yeah, that's weird. And I found

21:05

that rice, I found, yeah, I don't like the pudding,

21:08

I still don't understand what

21:11

rice pudding, what makes a pudding, I don't

21:13

know what it is, it's custard and rice. Why

21:15

is it? Somebody working, right? It's something like that, yeah,

21:18

but that's rank to me. It's powerful.

21:20

It's vile, it's vile, and husband eats

21:22

it. husband eats that but he won't eat custard, it's

21:24

terrified of custard,

21:25

he's got a phobia of it. That's mad to me, but

21:27

I do even get like, if you had a piece of like,

21:30

like a bit of pie or whatever with custard on

21:32

it and it gets too mushy, towards the end it's

21:34

not as fun as at the start and there's some like crunch

21:37

in there. No, no.

21:38

Do you know what I mean? I need

21:40

a crunch. It's just the,

21:41

ugh, I can't think about it too

21:43

much, it makes me feel

21:45

off. The porridge, porridge would be

21:47

a choice. Is there anything redeeming about porridge? Would

21:50

you put anything in it to make it enjoyable for you?

21:52

No, I don't know, chips. The listeners

21:54

can't see this but it's like chips. To

21:59

put chips in.

21:59

and ketchup and maybe enough

22:02

porridge. Your face, then, is a picture.

22:05

Okay, yeah, look,

22:07

I get it, I get it. I mean, there's an

22:10

argument to say that the porridge, you'd

22:12

be able to live off that for a long time. That's

22:14

keeping you going. Not me, I'd be dead. But as I said before,

22:16

you're done. No way. You hate it. Okay,

22:19

what about, have you ever tried the one

22:22

that's just like golden syrupy one that's

22:24

just really sugary? No, I haven't. I've never

22:26

tried it. Yeah, yeah, I think it's all right. Golden syrupy,

22:28

golden, it's ready breakfast time with porridge.

22:33

I don't know,

22:33

but I don't remember liking

22:35

ready breakfast again.

22:39

No, I think this is where it started.

22:41

I didn't

22:42

like ready break, and that's kind of,

22:44

but is that porridge? Because I feel like that is porridge

22:47

in a way. I think

22:49

it must be, it must be. It's not. It's

22:52

not. It's not. Is it why?

22:55

I think it must be. It must be, yeah. I

22:57

think it's like junior porridge, and it's

22:59

like porridge. Baby porridge. Baby porridge,

23:02

so it's like smoother. It used to scare me, because

23:04

you know when they said it gives

23:06

you energy for the day, and then it was like an animation

23:09

of a man heating up. I thought, what if I explode?

23:12

What

23:14

if I eat too much ready break and just explode?

23:17

I

23:18

could be wrong, but I seem to remember there being like

23:20

a dragon in a bar. She was even like, wasn't there? This

23:24

happened to me. I thought I'd dreamt the

23:26

advert about the Milky Way bars

23:29

and the cars racing. I

23:32

don't know. Yeah, and then it came on TV, and then

23:34

I spoke to someone

23:35

about it. Like it's from like the early 90s, 80s, and

23:38

again, they hadn't seen it, so I just sounded mad. There's

23:41

a weird, it's like the red car and the blue

23:43

car, heard

23:45

a wreath. Anyway, adverts from

23:47

the 80s. Oh, look it up after this. No, you won't.

23:50

Don't worry yourself. It's not worth your

23:52

time.

23:57

You've got stuff to do. You said you got to do

23:59

it.

23:59

I'm gonna get it myself, come on. I've

24:02

got to edit this podcast. Oh,

24:05

any distraction, any distraction. Well, I've got

24:07

to look at Pingu now. Here you are. While

24:10

I'm there. Okay, porridge. Anything

24:12

else about porridge before you put it on the

24:14

island? It looks horrible.

24:16

It feels horrible. It tastes just dust. It's

24:18

just like, ugh. Warm milk's got a funny smell. I don't

24:20

even know how you make porridge. I don't know how you get it. I'm

24:22

putting it in there. Continental breakfast with the fish. Well, there's a lot

24:24

of stuff in there. I'm just gonna put it in there. I'm just gonna put it

24:26

in there. I'm just gonna put it in there. I'm just gonna

24:28

put it in there. And then when you get Erikboth.

24:31

It

24:35

May be too expensive and

24:38

then put it in here. It

24:42

may even be something towards me. Really

24:44

or less because you put it on.

24:54

If it was a pot noodle, whichever. No,

24:56

but then I'm just having a pot noodle. I'm just

24:58

having

24:58

a pot noodle. Yeah, you just have a pot noodle. Yeah.

25:01

Okay, so, pirates goes on the island. What's going to be your drink

25:04

choice? I think people will come for me

25:06

for this. But I've... Oh, really?

25:08

Can I just stress? I've tried.

25:11

I've really tried to

25:13

like it

25:15

and I don't.

25:17

I don't. I'm just gonna say I don't like it and

25:19

I don't like it.

25:21

And

25:23

it's craft beer. Listen, I'm

25:25

trying but every time it tastes

25:27

a pound

25:28

coins. That's all I can taste.

25:31

And my husband, he knobs it. He goes off

25:33

with his mace to like craft beer festivals

25:35

and when I... And some of my friends have had their birthday

25:37

parties at craft beer places and it's

25:40

just like,

25:40

oh, there's

25:42

nothing else. What can I drink? Oh,

25:45

half a tonne of yeast.

25:47

Oh, lovely. Oh, it's marshmallow flavour.

25:50

Why is it taste of shit? I get

25:52

what... I

25:55

like the idea of it. People are making it. I love

25:57

that. That's fine.

25:58

But come with me. It

26:00

tastes of the

26:02

inside of a purse.

26:04

Thank you. As someone

26:06

that does drink those beers, I would

26:08

say though, this is not about me, but recently

26:10

I've discovered that I am gluten-free, right? And

26:12

this is really fucking annoying for me because

26:15

I

26:16

can't just drink any beer now, which

26:18

I used to love drinking beer. And sometimes I do, but then

26:20

I'm just in trouble after that. But-

26:23

Is it windy or is it? It's

26:26

just bloated, a big bloated man

26:28

with loads of stomach problems. So I think it's

26:30

years, I had years of, it was fine

26:32

for years and then it's just, stomach's

26:34

happened in the past couple of years. Craft

26:36

beer, absolutely done. Probably

26:38

too much craft beer, but I can't avoid

26:41

a Guinness sometimes.

26:41

It's fermenting yourself, that's what

26:43

it is. I probably have pickled

26:45

me inside, but with

26:47

the craft beers, there's a whole range though,

26:50

right? There's all different flavours. You can't get

26:52

on board with any of the flavours. Because I have really,

26:54

really, I have, I

26:56

cannot

26:56

stress this enough, David will bring

26:59

me back one that's like, cherry

27:03

bean dream or some, and he'll

27:05

try this, he says you'll like this. No,

27:07

Taste

27:08

of Pankoins. What about this

27:10

one? It's

27:11

like, Marmalade Dream. No,

27:15

what about this one? It's meant, it's called Slut Drop 5000.

27:18

Oh no, also, Taste of, Slum

27:21

Top, I can't, maybe it's me. Maybe

27:24

I can't. I

27:26

appreciate the people of it,

27:28

but for me, I

27:29

can't, it just tastes

27:32

funny. No, don't do it. I don't

27:34

wanna drink some of the taste, like I drink

27:36

again. That's my face every time.

27:40

What do you like? What's your drinking choice? I

27:42

drink drinks

27:42

from the 80s. So I drink cherry

27:46

and cherry bean snowballs

27:48

and Lambrino. I think this is my problem.

27:51

I'm stuck in the past.

27:53

I like a lager, Janine. I

27:56

was gonna say, I would love you

27:58

to.

27:59

I just see you walk into a pub and be like, I'll

28:02

have a small glass of sherry please. Is that what

28:04

you're doing? Or are you actually?

28:07

Really? Wow. I'm

28:11

just like, there, the bar getting around in,

28:13

right side wicked, what do you want? Bitter,

28:16

yeah cool, Guinness fine.

28:18

Lindsay, what are you, sherry?

28:21

Oh, if they don't have that, I'll have a white wine spritzer

28:24

with lemonade.

28:25

Fine with saying that, I'd say that. I

28:28

want to make you comfortable, this is what I would. Yeah.

28:33

I don't want you feeling uncomfortable. No,

28:35

I'm just, I'm so interested now. Do they do a

28:37

sherry? Does everyone just have sherry? Most

28:39

places, like all the pubs

28:41

and like certain establishment chains that

28:43

I don't go into. They just have it. They all have it,

28:46

but some of the newer places probably

28:49

won't. But I can drink quite a lot. I

28:51

have a spritz of lemonade,

28:53

spritz of a mixed, I just

28:55

can't, I can't, I'm

28:58

trying, if someone

29:00

can recommend some nice craft beers,

29:03

I will

29:05

try them, but we'll have the same response.

29:10

The problem is, if you find one you like,

29:12

right, then every pub you'll be

29:14

like, and then it would just be constant disappointment

29:17

because there's such a range. Do you know what I mean? They

29:19

never have the same one on. No. You might get

29:21

one, you might get one, they'll be like punk IPA

29:24

or something,

29:26

but then, What does that even mean? I don't

29:28

know what does

29:30

IPA mean? India pale ale.

29:32

Eh? I know, I know. I

29:36

don't know why it's called that. I've never actually questioned

29:39

that, but I should. I'm gonna,

29:42

I really like these things, especially

29:44

these craft places of pub shop. I

29:46

really like going

29:47

to them. I don't want to drink any

29:50

of your drinks.

29:52

Prove me wrong. Okay, craft beer

29:54

is gonna be your drink choice.

29:57

Also warm craft beer for the rest

29:59

of your life. That's not gonna be.

29:59

I'm gonna go down too well on the island, I don't think.

30:03

Horrid and craft there. Yes.

30:07

Lindsay, fortunately you won't be able to have entertainment

30:09

on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues

30:12

to work, but just your luck, it only has two

30:14

working settings. One is your least favourite

30:16

film of all time, and the other is your least favourite

30:18

song. What Are They and Why? E.T.

30:23

E.T.

30:24

I am terrified of that little tea bag.

30:28

I can't, it

30:29

just scares me. And I've watched it

30:31

recently, and it just, when

30:33

he's half dead and he's like

30:35

a with a dog shit, I was

30:37

just like, I can't, I was willing him

30:39

to die. I don't know what I'm

30:41

saying. When they're like, oh,

30:43

they're trying to catch him and stuff, I'm like, catch

30:46

him, catch him, shoot it in the head. Horrible

30:49

thing. You're the only person

30:51

that wanted him to die. He

30:53

scared the shit out of me. If

30:55

I found that in my shed

30:58

or my garden, I would kick

31:00

it into next door's garden.

31:03

Do you think this comes from

31:05

when you were younger, like the first time that you

31:07

saw

31:08

it? I imagine it must have, but I don't really

31:11

like films about space, because when I think

31:13

about it too much, I get overwhelmed, and then

31:15

I realise how insignificant I am, and

31:17

I think that was all stemmed from E.T.

31:21

Big, oh, oh, just, they shouldn't,

31:24

oh. Oh,

31:27

shut up, that's just, oh,

31:30

shut

31:30

up, E.T. That's all, when he gets his dirty

31:32

little finger out.

31:33

Oh, ah! I

31:40

just remember watching E.T. and crying.

31:43

I remember watching him being like, oh no,

31:46

poor E.T. looks like. Oh,

31:48

when they took him off, I thought, good, good

31:51

boy, don't you dare come back.

31:53

Horrible little turd.

31:55

He does look like a turd, just

31:58

a shriveled turd.

31:59

It's so true. I used to say,

32:02

if you turned his head upside down, he'd look like a weird

32:04

pair of ball bags. That's why I said

32:06

that. Imagine if your

32:08

ball bags had an eating

32:10

face on it.

32:13

Do you remember seeing this when you were younger?

32:15

Do you remember watching it?

32:17

I remember it being on quite a lot

32:19

because it was the late 80s. But

32:22

I was really little.

32:24

And he should always scare the shit out of me.

32:27

I don't know why. If you're that young,

32:29

then the music and everything is a bit eerie,

32:31

isn't it? It's

32:34

a bit weird and it's a bit like hide

32:36

behind the sofa kind of moment, I think.

32:38

Oh, it's his horrible little voice. And

32:41

my dad talks like that now. And

32:44

my dad's like, oh no! And

32:47

I

32:49

put the kettle on.

32:51

It's

32:54

just like going to see your nan every time you put

32:56

it on. Okay,

32:58

ET, it's going to

33:01

be your film choice and what's going

33:03

to be your

33:04

song choice? This

33:07

has got to have been picked and I'd be surprised

33:09

if it hasn't.

33:10

But it's Sweet Caroline. I can't cope.

33:12

Yes, okay. Talk

33:13

me through it. I just hate it. This

33:17

is such a strange story. So

33:19

my mum used to do karaoke DJing at a pub. And

33:21

I used to go with that to help her set up. And

33:24

every week there was this one bloke

33:26

who's the sweet Caroline.

33:29

And it was dreadful. But

33:31

the bit when it goes, so good, so good.

33:34

That is the bit that makes me want to punch

33:36

my own tits off. I can't.

33:39

I don't know what it is. It's a bit like, oh, I'm going

33:41

to get a bit of a pajamas. I can't. I

33:44

don't know what it is. It drives me mad.

33:47

And then when it came, it became

33:49

like a football anthem. I was,

33:51

I was, I was, oh.

33:53

Yeah, that came out of nowhere. It

33:55

just rages me. It's

33:57

shit. It's a shit song.

33:59

It's just, it's overplayed

34:02

and it's always been ruined for me. That

34:05

drunk man every week in the

34:06

pub. Oh yeah. And

34:08

it's just the ad lib of so, so good.

34:12

The ad lib of that bit, yeah, yeah,

34:14

yeah. Watching like football lads do it.

34:17

What's interesting is that song was like,

34:20

it was nothing to me. You might like hear it on

34:22

the radio or like a pop-up every now

34:24

and again on TV or whatever. And now

34:26

it's become a part of like

34:30

culture forever. That's it. I

34:32

like, because I do, I watch England football like, and it's

34:34

just, that's it. It's, it's there.

34:37

We're stuck with it now. But

34:40

I haven't heard anyone be as affected as

34:42

you from a young age. It

34:44

was already instilled within you that

34:47

you were going to hate that song.

34:49

It's, it's, it's,

34:53

I would describe it as a basic

34:55

bitch song for

34:57

basic bitches. And then

35:00

when it became a football thing,

35:02

I don't dislike football.

35:04

I will watch, I will watch it.

35:06

I don't necessarily

35:10

get what's happening. But

35:12

I support

35:13

football. Yeah, go football.

35:15

You have to pretend

35:18

if I'm in this fight. You

35:22

did such a good job just then. Yes,

35:25

football's good.

35:27

Good football. But

35:33

when that song became, it's

35:35

become part of like, like you say, like it's

35:37

part of

35:38

British English culture. That's

35:41

it now. I don't even think it's

35:43

an English

35:43

song. No, it's not. It's not. Neil

35:46

Diamond, I think he's like American.

35:48

What is, what is it? Who's

35:51

Caroline? Why are we singing as writers? It's

35:54

true. Good

35:57

times never

35:58

been so good.

35:59

Does that even mean? It's

36:03

true. It's complete nonsense shit

36:05

really. It's actually like it has

36:07

no relevance to anything.

36:10

Hands touching hands. Reaching

36:12

out. Touching me. Touching

36:15

you. Touching you.

36:17

Who's touching you? You bloody touch

36:19

me. Neil Diamond,

36:22

you dirty old bastard. Get off me. Poor

36:26

Caroline.

36:27

It's just become overplayed

36:31

and it's because I don't think there's

36:34

any real context behind it and

36:36

the context is

36:38

in culture. I just don't get why

36:40

it's become this anthem. But

36:45

the thing is with stuff like that, if we just stop

36:47

talking about it and mention it, it'll go

36:49

away. So maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

36:51

You've really fired it up. Now I've got

36:54

a discussion. You get people singing it out of you in the

36:56

street. Who are my kids? They

36:58

all get flats in the willy. All

37:00

of them. I think a fine

37:02

choice for the desert island. Thank you very much

37:04

Lindsay. And finally, the island is overrun

37:06

by the biggest dick of all the animals.

37:09

Which animal is it and why?

37:11

Badgers. Badgers?

37:14

They're just horrible. Animals are massive.

37:18

I had a run in with one once. How do I even

37:20

start this story? I'd go on a family

37:22

holiday. This was...we

37:25

were

37:26

in Devon somewhere and I wanted a fag. So

37:28

I said, I'm going for a walk

37:30

down to the beach. And my husband

37:33

said, I'll come with you. But it was

37:35

getting to dusk, so the sun's starting

37:37

to set and we walked down to

37:40

the beach. But before the beach, it's

37:42

like this greenery.

37:45

It's like moss but like little holes.

37:47

And so it's getting quite dark now. But

37:50

there's sheep on there.

37:51

This is insane. But like, you know when you...I

37:54

can't believe what I'm seeing. I'm seeing some sheep. But

37:56

they look like ghosts.

37:58

So I was like, I just want to have a cigarette.

37:59

and then come back in. It's really

38:02

dark now. And then there was a rustling noise

38:04

and

38:05

a badger jumped out of the privet.

38:07

Whoa! And in that moment

38:10

my husband

38:12

shoved me at the badger and

38:14

ran off. So

38:19

it

38:22

was already really weird and

38:24

I just went, you've been enough! And

38:28

he went back in the bush. Oh

38:31

great, thank God. Because I think they

38:33

can be vicious, right? Yeah, they can be

38:35

really horrible. They're like big little tank

38:37

dog

38:38

things. They're obviously,

38:42

they're just horrible. And

38:45

they're too big

38:47

to move. You'd really be on edge

38:49

all the time. Do you

38:50

know what I mean? That one could just jump out and attack.

38:53

Yeah. That's

38:54

horrible.

38:55

Have you seen one in real life? I've seen one in real life

38:57

but I was driving along the country lane, right?

39:00

I was driving, where I live there's a lot of country

39:02

lanes. I was driving along the country lane and one

39:04

ran out in front of the car and I slammed the

39:06

brakes on and it shot across the road

39:09

pretty quick. But I was so

39:11

surprised. This thing was massive.

39:13

It was so big and I was like,

39:15

it was like a dog.

39:17

But like,

39:18

just an unruly dog. I just thought

39:20

that is crazy. I'd hate

39:22

to be next to one. So the fact that you were thrown

39:24

in front of one

39:25

is pretty awful.

39:29

He feels terrible.

39:34

But I bring it up all the time. Oh,

39:36

that's great. That's good. Like, well that

39:38

time you threw me a zabacha. He didn't

39:40

really throw me. He kind of just like used

39:43

me as a momentum. As a shield. As

39:45

a push-off and run.

39:47

Well,

39:50

there's an argument to say you would have done the same if you

39:52

thought of it first, right? 100%. 100% I would definitely have

39:54

done the same thing. It's

40:00

just my reactions weren't as quick as his. Yeah.

40:03

Um...

40:04

It was a bit... It was just

40:06

a bit bizarre, because you know, I've all...

40:09

I don't know where to expect to see

40:11

a badger, but it's normally on a motorway

40:13

squashed. Yeah. But you don't... I

40:16

don't know where...

40:18

Why? Why is it there?

40:20

I was so engrossed by this sheep in the

40:22

distance.

40:24

Yeah. That I just...

40:26

You don't ever think is there a badger?

40:28

It's living in a horrible little hole, little dirty

40:31

hole somewhere in there. Do you know what I mean? That's horrible.

40:34

A little underground.

40:36

That's rank. Lindsay,

40:38

this has been a lot of fun. I've really enjoyed

40:40

this. It's been bizarre. It

40:43

is. But have

40:45

a lovely rest of the day. Thank you.

40:47

No. If people have been listening to this and they'd

40:49

like to see you live, great news for them. You're

40:51

doing some live shows soon, right? And so,

40:54

there's one in Birmingham coming after a few in London.

40:57

We've had this discussion. I can't remember

40:59

the date. No, I'm going to pull

41:01

the dates up right now. Bear with

41:04

me. The 18th of November is the one in Birmingham.

41:06

I'm doing my solo show, Pink

41:08

Tinge. I think it's the 25th to the 27th.

41:11

The 25th to the 12th of January. I

41:13

have a little bit of time. The show, Hope Theatre. Yeah.

41:16

It's Landon. Landon.

41:18

I've sold about four tickets, I think, for that

41:20

one.

41:20

So... Well, hopefully after this you'll sell four

41:23

more. Fingers crossed. Hooray! They're

41:26

lovely badges. I would absolutely love to come

41:28

down and see it, if that's all right. So,

41:30

yeah. Yes, yes, message me. I'll sneak

41:32

you in. I'll sneak you in. I appreciate that. Thank

41:35

you so much, Andy. Thank

41:36

you so much, also.