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Get

1:54

jealous, if I'm completely honest, because

1:56

they're going to Los Angeles, San Francisco,

1:59

Chicago...

1:59

New York, Somerville, I don't

2:02

know where that is. And then they're going to Belfast,

2:04

Manchester, Glasgow and London. And

2:07

you know, I should just be happy for them. But

2:09

if I'm honest, I just wish we

2:11

were going on a giant tour like that. Bloody

2:13

hell, if all of you listening could just download

2:16

this like an extra two or three times

2:18

and continue doing that for every other episode,

2:21

just to bump up the numbers and skew

2:23

them slightly, I would be very grateful. Thank

2:26

you for that. By the way, we are doing a live

2:28

show. In case you haven't listened to me telling you about

2:30

these before, we are doing one on Thursday,

2:34

the 2nd of November as

2:36

part of the Cheerful Earful podcast festival.

2:38

We're not going to Los Angeles and San Francisco

2:41

and Chicago because we're humble. So

2:43

we're going to go to Ballam in southwest

2:46

London to a pub called The Bedford.

2:48

And you know what? I'm just being silly, but

2:50

it is a lovely pub and it's a really

2:52

good venue. And I would greatly

2:55

love to see you there. So go and get your tickets. It's

2:57

on www.cheerfulearful.co.uk. It's less than

2:59

a tenner. I mean, bloody hell, what

3:02

a bargain. And if you want, you can go and see

3:04

other podcasts on the night as well.

3:07

There's Lou Sanders and a gay and a non-gay

3:09

podcast there as well. So you can check those

3:11

out if you want, but you will have to buy a separate

3:13

ticket for those. I think that's

3:16

it. Let's get on with the podcast now. Here

3:18

is Rory and Kit from This Paranormal

3:21

Life on Desert Island Dicks. Hi,

3:38

I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert

3:40

Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned

3:42

on a desert island after a plane crash

3:44

with the worst people and worst things imaginable.

3:47

Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our

3:49

guests. And here to share their Desert Island

3:52

Dicks with us today are Rory and Kit

3:54

from This Paranormal Life podcast. How

3:56

are you doing? Doing great. Thank you so much

3:59

for having us. We're so excited to be here

4:01

today. Uh, talking about some

4:03

of the biggest assholes we can think about.

4:07

Good. Well, no, thank you for joining us. I mean, you, you

4:09

got a busy schedule lined up, so it's nice

4:11

to have some time with you. And, um, I mean,

4:13

yeah, talking about complete assholes

4:15

or dicks. I mean, is that, is that something that

4:18

comes naturally to you guys? Uh,

4:20

I actually really struggled with this one. I,

4:23

uh, I listened to a few episodes of the show,

4:25

uh, before. And so I

4:27

know that it kind of varies. People

4:29

pick celebrities that they hate pop

4:31

culture of celebrities that they hate. So

4:33

it's a little bit of a challenge to put a list together, but

4:36

I think we got some solid ones. Oh, you mean it

4:38

was too hard because there's too many people

4:40

you hate, not because they're such a nice person. Oh, I'm

4:42

just filled with hate. I, the list is so long.

4:45

I couldn't narrow it down. Yeah. Yeah.

4:47

It tends to go either like people can't

4:49

narrow it down or they go, Oh, I don't want to offend anyone,

4:52

you know, so it can sort of go either way sometimes.

4:54

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Kit, how, how

4:56

do you find the task of picking

4:59

a load of dicks for the island? Not hard.

5:01

Um, I mean, you asked how naturally

5:04

does it come to us to be thinking about giant

5:06

assholes. And I mean, week to week on the podcast

5:08

and cover some pretty horrifying creatures, a

5:11

giant asshole, thankfully hasn't

5:13

come across our paranormal investigative desk

5:15

just yet. Um, but

5:17

we will be talking about the very

5:20

next best thing very, very shortly. Okay.

5:23

Well, look, let's get into it. Then let's find out who

5:25

made it onto your list. Who's the first dick on

5:27

the island with you? Uh, I'm going to kick things

5:30

off right off the bat, uh, with a controversial

5:32

one that we've actually talked about on the podcast

5:34

before. So I'm sure this is

5:36

going to divide your audience right

5:39

down the middle, but our

5:41

first dickhead on the island is

5:44

Paddington bear. Okay.

5:47

Right. Paddington bear. Okay. This

5:49

is good. I want to preface this by saying

5:51

I haven't seen a single

5:54

Paddington movie before the ones

5:56

that everybody raves about. I don't know what

5:58

happens to individuals. once they

6:01

watch these movies. It's almost

6:03

paranormal in itself. It's almost like a spell. Because

6:06

I know people who have gone into that movie

6:08

saying, I hate this little bear. He's

6:11

a prick. He's a little

6:13

posh asshole. I hate his coat and his stupid

6:16

hat. And then they come out the other side and they're

6:18

just talking about friendship and love and

6:21

marmalade sandwiches. And

6:23

it scares me a little bit. I know the thing.

6:25

I mean, it's a very wholesome sort of

6:27

thing, isn't it, Paddington Bear? Yeah.

6:30

And I think that's it. I think if we're trapped on

6:32

a desert island, sometimes situations

6:35

are just bad. And it's fine to

6:37

acknowledge that a situation is bad. And

6:39

I think Paddington would just be like,

6:41

oh, it's okay. Let's all be friends

6:43

and we'll work together. And it's

6:44

like, you got to shut the fuck up,

6:47

man. It's bad. Like, we

6:49

can all acknowledge that it's a bad situation

6:51

to be in. If you're going to start serving

6:53

me sandwiches from a hat, I don't

6:55

want them. Yeah. And Lucy isn't

6:58

here, Paddington. And Lucy

7:00

is a very long way away. And Lucy doesn't

7:02

care for our problems. And Lucy

7:04

actually would be a lot more useful than your useless

7:07

ass because last time I checked, she lived in a

7:09

jungle, she has survival skills. All he knows

7:12

is a leafy suburb of West London. He

7:15

is absolutely no use on this island. Yeah,

7:17

he's got neither jungle survival skills or

7:19

like a streetwise kind of head on him because

7:22

he's just living in very affluent part

7:24

of a capital city. Yeah, you'd

7:26

hope maybe the best thing

7:28

he could do is tap into the

7:31

bare side of his brain and

7:33

maybe, you know, be able to pull some survival

7:35

skills from that. But I

7:38

think that part of him, he's gone now. He

7:40

just gives off this aura of

7:42

never having to worry about anything

7:45

because he probably has a trust fund. Yeah,

7:47

yeah. I think Paddington, you know, he's

7:49

very cute and seems like a nice, nice

7:52

young chap. But it's basically

7:54

like being on the island with Mr Bean in terms

7:56

of everything going wrong constantly. Someone

8:00

sent me the books I would like to read with my kids

8:02

and I read them and it's like, you know, same in the

8:04

film and in the books is exactly the same. The

8:06

whole thing about Panzamez, any situation

8:09

just fucks it all up. Yeah. Utter

8:12

liability. Yeah, he's going to be hopping around the island with like

8:14

a foot in a bucket and another bucket on

8:16

his head, you know, knocking

8:18

over all the drinking water you've collected,

8:20

you know, putting his foot through a boat,

8:23

you know. It would be at max

8:26

three days before I drown him in the ocean. And

8:29

it's like, this is going to make the island

8:31

better for everyone if he isn't on it. The

8:34

whole cutesy thing can only take you so far. And I think

8:36

it would get very old, very fast. Right. Like

8:39

Rory searching the island for berries,

8:41

nuts, turning up absolutely empty handed. There's only

8:43

so many days before. And I'm sorry that this

8:46

presumably happens week to week on your showdown,

8:48

but not quite cannibalism

8:50

but turning on each other to eat each other. I mean, Paddington

8:53

is starting to look, you know, he's been raised on,

8:55

you know, like those Wagyu cars that are raised

8:57

on beer and classical music. He's been raised

8:59

on marmalade, which has got to be I don't like

9:02

marmalade, but marmalade fed bear

9:04

is probably all right. Gonna

9:07

be some sweet meat. I think one of the problems with

9:09

Paddington is it's that sort of thing of, you

9:12

know, he's really annoying in his actions,

9:14

but he's kind of adorable. So there'd be lots

9:17

of like, oh, you was that bloody

9:19

bear done now. And then you'd pull the bucket

9:21

off his head and you'd be like, oh, Paddington,

9:24

you know, and he'd look up at you like a little puppy.

9:26

And you'd kind of go, oh, it's not your

9:29

only your fault. And then like half an hour

9:31

late, you're like, fucking hell. I just think

9:33

he'll really just play with the full spectrum

9:35

of emotions all the time. Yeah,

9:37

you know, I feel like you guys are maybe

9:39

a little bit more used to this dynamic.

9:41

You know, if you are a parent,

9:44

you basically have a little Paddington, which

9:46

is creating Lee is constantly

9:48

creating messes around the house. And you're like,

9:51

you little whipper

9:53

snapper. I wish you hadn't knocked

9:56

daddy's paint all over the wood floor. That's

9:58

not something that I'm used to on a daily basis. basis. So maybe

10:00

you would have a higher patience for that

10:03

level of kind of tomfoolery. Well, I don't know.

10:05

I mean, with Paddington, he lives in this affluent

10:07

family's house in West London. They've got a housekeeper.

10:10

I mean, I think if I had a housekeeper, maybe a

10:12

bit more patient with my kids when they get into those

10:14

great stuff. When it's always me

10:16

who has to clean up, it's slightly less fun. The

10:19

weird thing with Paddington now that we have to address

10:21

is he's sort of become like the

10:24

gatekeeper of the afterlife as well, you

10:26

know, with the queen and stuff. You know, when the queen

10:28

died and all his memes like Paddington

10:30

walking her up to heaven, you're like, what is

10:32

this? And you're like, the workman

10:35

carries people across the river six now.

10:37

Like what the hell is going on? An ancient

10:40

Egyptian god, you have to pay the kind of

10:42

toll when you die. And then if you

10:44

do, he'll take you across the afterlife. Yeah.

10:46

And on the one hand, it's sort of like if you died

10:48

and you saw Paddington there, you're like, oh, this

10:51

isn't so scary. It's like, yeah, don't worry,

10:53

take my furry paw. I'll lead you into the

10:55

afterlife. You're like, okay. But on the other hand,

10:57

who said he's like a clumsy goon? So you're

10:59

like, like, you know, just smashes

11:02

into the pearly gates, knocks over

11:05

St. Peter's Plinth and, you know, like

11:08

sets his big book of names on fire.

11:10

And you're like, well, I'm sorry, I can't tell if you need to come in or

11:12

not anymore. Because I've lost the register.

11:14

Thanks to Paddington here. There's marmalade

11:17

all over the fucking scroll. I can't even see

11:19

if your name is on it anymore. Yeah. Yeah. If

11:21

he was driving you up to heaven, he'd be like

11:23

one of those taxi drivers that is always

11:26

turning around to talk to you and you're like,

11:28

well, yeah, no, but keep a, let's keep

11:30

going up because you're starting to go down.

11:32

And I think hell is down. So let's, let's

11:34

keep going towards the clouds, Paddington. And

11:37

I mean, we don't want to get too in

11:39

the weeds, but I mean, you did

11:41

just bring that up that, yeah, he was, I forgot

11:44

that he was heavily associated for some

11:46

God forsaken reason with the

11:48

passing of Queen Elizabeth, which

11:50

I think, I think that was maybe some of the first

11:53

eyebrows are being raised with

11:55

kind of Paddington's intentions as a monarchist.

11:57

I don't think he had come out mask off monarchist

12:00

before that. Yeah, that was, that

12:02

was the tipping point for me. Oh, I think when

12:04

I saw that social, the weird

12:07

video that he did with the queen, it

12:09

was, it was, it was like sickly. You

12:11

know, when you watch something and I was like, I just

12:13

makes me feel gross. Watching it. It's

12:15

too cute. I don't, I don't like it. I think it's

12:18

that thing of just, it's one of those things when you see

12:20

Paddington in the queen and everyone's getting behind it

12:22

and I just think, Oh guys, foreigners

12:24

are going to watch this and think we're all like this.

12:26

Come on. Right.

12:30

It would have been a much more interesting

12:32

and representative video if the

12:34

queen was having dinner with cocaine bear, another

12:38

famous bear that I think, you

12:40

know, I think deserves to have the attention of the

12:42

royals. Definitely. Definitely. Okay.

12:44

Well, I think it was a really solid first addition

12:46

to the island. So yeah, Paddington bears

12:49

joining you. Who's next on the island with you? It's

12:51

a good question. Well, you know, we mentioned we're paranormal

12:54

investigators. That's what we do in our podcast every

12:56

week. So we would be remiss

12:59

to not name check a

13:01

sort of paranormal entity. That's why our

13:03

second unfortunate guest

13:05

on the island is a 19th century

13:07

ghost called Corney. He's

13:10

from Dublin. He was a ghost in a

13:12

house in Dublin. Not just any

13:14

ghost, but a poltergeist. So that

13:16

typically actually now that I'm mentioning

13:19

it, we're seeing a through line

13:21

here, absolute Paddington

13:23

vibes, a bit naughty, a bit mischievous.

13:27

Knocking over objects, moving furniture, hiding

13:29

things about the house. But Corney

13:31

is somewhat notorious

13:34

as a ghost because he kind of took things to

13:36

the next level. So this guy was like

13:38

a roast comedian. He was in the

13:41

1800s. He was roasting the people who

13:43

lived in the house performing borderline a

13:45

standup routine every day. This

13:48

was kind of a problem because,

13:52

you know, for the family living there, he's

13:54

torturing them. They do

13:56

the thing that they actually never get around to doing in the

13:58

horror movies. This is why. quite so realistic. They

14:01

just decided to instantly move out, sell the

14:03

house. Anytime

14:05

someone would come to view it, he would launch into type

14:07

five. How are we doing

14:10

tonight, ladies and gentlemen? That's a lovely dog you've got there.

14:12

Oh, that's your husband. Oh, my mistake, my mistake.

14:16

He's laying into anyone who sets foot

14:18

in the house and they weren't able to

14:20

sell it. This is not

14:23

that mad. This is not that mad for an episode of this paranormal

14:25

story. It's not that mad for a ghost story. The

14:27

problem is, we discovered, didn't

14:30

we Rory, that

14:32

this wasn't a ghost. Yeah, yeah, I

14:34

think our conclusion

14:36

at the end of that episode was that essentially

14:39

this was a man hiding inside of a barrel.

14:43

Because a lot of the things he would do wouldn't

14:45

be missions

14:47

or priorities you would necessarily associate

14:50

with ghosts. Ghosts, they

14:53

usually have unfinished business here on

14:55

Earth or something that was

14:57

a traumatic experience in the past that

14:59

means they have to haunt the living. I

15:01

think Corny would just come out at night and steal

15:04

bread. He actually did appear

15:06

to the family in a physical form,

15:09

but unfortunately not as like a wispy white

15:12

ghost of the past. He was allegedly

15:14

a completely naked man, a

15:17

solid man. He

15:20

used to tell the family that they needed to go

15:22

to bed early because he was quote, having

15:24

some friends around. And when

15:27

they did go to bed, they would hear quote, lots

15:29

of ghosts wrecking

15:32

the place and in the morning, the place would be trashed.

15:34

So this guy was over

15:36

years, he was appearing

15:39

as a ghost, allegedly, but

15:41

absolutely abusing this family, being terrible,

15:44

roasting everyone in sight. Wow.

15:46

I mean, so what we've basically got is a

15:48

squatter with illusions of trying

15:51

to get on to mock the week or something

15:53

like that. Really, like the Apollo,

15:55

you know, but in the past. I

15:58

think I'd rather have a ghost. like

16:00

a genuine ghost than just some chance

16:02

at like that. Yeah, I

16:05

mean, you're absolutely right because I mean, he's

16:07

a squatter. So he's already on the

16:09

fringes of society. We don't know what's

16:12

going to happen that sends him over the edge and to

16:14

just murder grievous bodily

16:16

harm. I don't know. Yeah, because the sort of person

16:19

who thinks, I'm going to hide in a barrel

16:21

of this, like in this house, and

16:23

I'm just going to torment anyone who lives there for

16:25

years, every day. I mean,

16:28

that's an unhinged person

16:30

to be dealing with. I love the idea as well. It's

16:32

like, can you go to bed

16:34

early because I'm going to have some ghost friends around, right?

16:37

Yeah, sorry. It's just the last time we did that, you and your

16:39

mates trashed the place. It's like, oh, yeah, yeah, I know.

16:42

But I did tell them they're

16:44

coming round. So, you know, off you

16:46

go and just going, yeah, go on then. All right, go

16:48

see you later. And just going, oh, God, they're going to trash

16:50

the place. Yeah, it's a weird

16:52

dynamic where everyone hates

16:55

what's happening. And he's obviously

16:58

doing something very illegal, but they still have a reputation

17:00

where he's kind

17:02

of asking permission for stuff as well. He's

17:05

like, is it all right if I have some friends around? And they're like, no,

17:07

it's not even all right that you're here now. Yeah.

17:11

How did we get to this point? It's a very

17:13

sort of, you know, we see it in like horror

17:16

movies. Horror movies generally come to

17:18

us, you know, maybe historically,

17:20

largely from America. And they have

17:22

this kind of very overtly

17:24

threatening, bloody kind of vibe

17:26

to them. Paranormal activity. The

17:29

ghosts are pretty, pretty aggressive. This

17:31

does strike me as a uniquely

17:34

Irish sort of ghost story. It's like,

17:36

you know, he's like, is

17:38

he is it illegal? Is it not sort

17:41

of on the border? He's a rap scallion, that's for sure.

17:43

But is it is it arrestable? I don't

17:46

know. Yeah, I think the

17:48

worst part about it as well, if you think about the island

17:50

setting, I this is essentially

17:52

someone who's not going to do anything.

17:55

He's going to take all of the supplies that we've all

17:57

gathered. And if you ask him to do

17:59

anything. He's going to pull out the ghost card.

18:01

You know, if you ask him to build a

18:04

little hut for the night, he's like, I

18:06

wish I could, man. I wish I could, but the

18:08

sticks are going to go right through these hands. I

18:10

wish I could pick it up. And it's like, well, it's interesting

18:13

because you ate all the rations pretty

18:15

quickly and you seem to be able to pick those up

18:17

just fine. Yeah. Just the idea

18:20

of living with a lazy drunk

18:22

who like insists that there

18:24

are ghosts. Well, you're

18:26

like, I'm dying on a desert island. Can you just

18:29

help me build the shelter, please? I

18:32

know you're a ghost, but just this one. It's

18:37

so amazing. Yeah, living with that

18:39

energy on the island of just like just

18:41

a barefaced liar who's also quite lazy

18:44

and annoying. And

18:46

then to yeah, that's a layer on the

18:48

added extra of being a ghost. Yeah,

18:50

just totally useless. Yeah.

18:53

And you're like, maybe he does believe

18:55

he's a ghost or am I just an idiot for

18:57

believing that he thinks he's a ghost or

18:59

like just the mind games forever

19:02

with that guy? Yeah. The more time you spend

19:04

on that island, you're definitely going to start questioning

19:06

more things. I mean, you're already on with a talking

19:09

bear in a raincoat. So who

19:11

knows? Maybe this naked man eating

19:14

fish raw out of the ocean is a ghost also. I

19:17

guess, well, you'll be with him for pretty much eternity.

19:20

And I guess you'll get to find out, but it's a superb

19:22

second addition to the island. Who's

19:24

going to round it off? Who's going to be a third person on

19:26

the island? I think this would be probably

19:29

the most insufferable person to be stuck

19:31

on an island with. And that is Willy

19:33

Wonka. Interesting. Okay.

19:36

What's your thoughts on Mr. Wonka? I

19:39

think he's a criminal. I think

19:42

he has killed children before

19:44

in his factory and suffered no repercussions

19:46

in a similar vein to Paddington.

19:49

I think he would just be someone who's trying

19:51

to help the situation

19:53

in his own quirky, weird

19:55

way that would frustrate me incredibly.

19:59

There's no c- on the island and

20:01

if we do get any food we

20:04

don't need candy we need something with nutritional

20:06

benefits from it if he's mashing

20:10

seashells together with salt water

20:12

and coconut milk to create something called

20:14

a gov's wobbler that makes me fly

20:17

I don't want it hmm I

20:19

don't want it we need something with protein and carbs mr.

20:21

Wonka yeah definitely it's

20:24

that sort of story where you just think if that was

20:26

invented today I mean you just couldn't

20:28

have someone that chronically irresponsible

20:30

who just goes right you haven't

20:32

seen me in years but I'm gonna let all one

20:35

of your children in one adults allowed in

20:37

with them and you've got to sign this very lengthy waiver

20:40

and some of them will probably die

20:42

but it's still a magical kingdom of sweeties

20:45

you know yeah I don't know how hungry these

20:47

kids were or how sugar-loving they were but

20:50

in today's society that wouldn't fly there

20:52

would need to be lawyers on hand reading that

20:54

contract I mean the fact that he's even

20:56

hidden stuff very small in the contract

20:59

is maybe an indication that this is kind of a sneaky

21:01

guy yeah yeah I never I mean

21:04

not to take it to a dark place but I've never

21:06

actually I've been subjected

21:08

to Rory's Willy Wonka

21:10

is a criminal theory before

21:13

but I never actually made those parallels between

21:15

the kind of Michael Jackson's Neverland

21:18

vibes of the kind of Wonka factory

21:20

and actually the overtones of Johnny

21:22

Depp's Willy Wonka which is that he was this

21:24

kind of like childlike genius who

21:27

kind of never matured mentally

21:30

and that's why he is the way he is which

21:32

again just makes him even more truly

21:35

nefarious and useless on the island hmm I

21:38

think his character very much alludes to

21:40

the fact it wasn't just candies he was making

21:42

in the in this you know in the factory

21:45

like there was definitely some other kind

21:47

of I don't know legal or illegal

21:50

highs going on you know it's part of it and

21:52

maybe that would those are the rooms you didn't get

21:54

to visit with the umpalumpas that had the

21:57

different color jackets that you never really saw

21:59

what are those guys Yeah, the ones with

22:01

holstered pistols, kind of guarding

22:04

doors that looked like they had key code access

22:06

requirements. I mean, the odds are,

22:09

if you at any point can

22:11

create a drink that

22:13

can make you fly, likelihood

22:17

is that you have a contract with the US government.

22:20

They're getting involved at some point. Yeah. And

22:23

I just think that a lot of his stuff, you

22:25

know, was amazing, but also incredibly irresponsible.

22:28

So it's like, well, yeah, this will make you fly and then you'd be 200 feet

22:30

in the air and you'd be shouting, how do I get down?

22:32

Like, oh, I haven't tried that bit yet. You

22:34

know, and you stick, well, yeah, great. Thanks,

22:37

Willie. It's wildly irresponsible

22:40

to put the soda that makes you fly

22:42

in the one room that has a giant blender

22:44

in the ceiling. He's

22:47

basically like jigsaw. Like he

22:49

can pretend like this was all an accident,

22:52

but he's kind of like, oh, no, did you

22:54

drink the forbidden soda I told you

22:56

not to? Oh, that's a shame. Probably

22:58

shouldn't have done that because there's a big blade out here.

23:00

Yeah. And just a psychopathic lack

23:03

of empathy as well. My

23:05

daughter's like just gone up that big tube

23:07

and like, oh, well, she'll find her way

23:09

to the furnace eventually. And you just think,

23:12

whoops, that's it. Right. And you

23:14

don't understand why I'm angry about that. Yeah.

23:17

I mean, what a character to

23:19

have on the island with you. Yeah. Like,

23:22

you know, as soon as we're starting

23:24

to delegate out work, we're all

23:27

Oompa Loompas in his eyes. Oh, yeah. He's

23:29

putting those feet up and he's just watching us do all

23:31

the work. Yeah. He's done

23:33

it before. I mean, we've talked about that, Rory, is the,

23:36

you know, kind of diving. He kind

23:38

of glosses over this relationship with the

23:40

Oompa Loompas in the movie,

23:43

but it's a relatively dark

23:45

past. Do you remember the specifics?

23:48

Well, all we have heard, as far

23:51

as I know, is Wonka's

23:53

version of the story. Yeah. Where

23:55

I think he claims they lived

23:57

in some place where they were being hunted.

24:00

by another creature. So according

24:03

to Willy Wonka, he was like, I'll save

24:05

you. You can all come work in my factory

24:08

and you don't have to be hunted

24:10

every day by these bigger creatures. The

24:13

more you read into it, the more you're like, I

24:15

think Willy Wonka created the other creature

24:18

that hunts them so he could get free labor

24:20

in this chocolate factory. I don't know

24:22

how willingly that labor has been given over the years.

24:27

And you know that he's not paying the staff

24:30

well. This is going to be minimum wage at

24:32

best. Your

24:34

Christmas bonus is probably a fucking

24:37

gingerbread man. They're

24:39

not going to be well compensated. Or

24:41

it might just be that sort of debt bondage thing where it's like,

24:44

what? You want to leave? But

24:46

wait, I brought you here. I saved

24:49

you. I gave you somewhere to live. I gave you

24:51

clothes. I gave you a job. How much do you

24:53

think that costs? You haven't even worked anything

24:55

off yet. He's a Jeff Bezos

24:58

of this island. Yeah,

25:00

time toilet break. Still

25:03

up. Okay, well, I think

25:05

this is a really good trio

25:08

of dicks. I mean, you have a completely

25:10

wild, irresponsible person. You've

25:13

got like the poltergeist slash

25:15

drunk guy and just

25:18

Paddington Bear being an insufferable pain in

25:20

the ass the whole time. So I think it's already

25:22

an awkward island. Okay. Now, mercifully

25:25

amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some

25:27

food and drink left over. Unfortunately

25:30

for you, it's your least favorite food and drink

25:32

in the world. What are they and why

25:34

are they so bad? Tubs and

25:36

tubs and tubs, as far as the I can see

25:39

of mayonnaise. Okay. And

25:41

do you both agree on this or is this just kids kissing?

25:44

Because yeah, that's just kit.

25:46

Mayo is my one of my top three condiments.

25:48

I'm slapping that stuff on everything. I'm

25:51

going to kill you and eat you. I'd rather do that. I mean,

25:53

you know, I will admit there's not

25:57

a whole lot of thought. This is pure instinct.

26:00

going into this decision, but

26:02

that is just my gut reaction. I

26:08

feel like we

26:10

can learn a lot about Mayonnaise's

26:13

shortcomings by all

26:15

the successes of its kind of antagonist

26:18

and other half ketchup. Ketchup,

26:22

unbelievably rich flavor

26:24

palette, combination of sweet,

26:27

savory, umami, a

26:29

little bit of acidity and so on,

26:32

discovered to the west

26:34

from southeast Asia, pairs

26:37

beautifully with different cuisines from around the

26:39

world. Mayonnaise has blended up eggs.

26:41

Egg sauce. Egg sauce is a

26:43

phrase that shouldn't exist. I do

26:46

find it weird when you see pictures of eggs on the

26:48

front of Mayonnaise. Not like I like to sort of distance

26:51

myself from what it is, but it doesn't really

26:53

taste of eggs, but when you're like, yeah, egg

26:55

sauce in a squeezy tube,

26:57

you're like, yeah, this is odd. And

27:00

just the idea of how that

27:02

was sort of born, you know, something like, hmm,

27:05

I'm gonna make a sauce from eggs. Like,

27:07

but you can do so much with an egg already. Make

27:10

it into cakes and you can just cook it in many

27:12

different ways, but someone really loved

27:14

eggs that day, didn't they? Liquid egg. And

27:16

it's kind of got, I mean, eggs kind of have a

27:18

built-in runny yolk when cooked correctly

27:21

that soldiers are delicious in, why

27:24

blend them up into a white sauce? I

27:26

mean, I am a big Mayonnaise fan

27:29

like Rory. So, you know,

27:31

but I have to obviously look at the faults

27:33

in everything that we pick on this podcast.

27:36

So, I mean, there are things wrong

27:38

with it. I mean, I think inherently, as we say, an

27:40

egg-based sauce is never gonna be

27:43

anyone's choice. You know, if you just

27:45

look at it like that, you know, when it's just left

27:47

on a plate for a while and someone goes off and

27:49

you come back to it, it's got that sort of weird sheen to

27:51

it. Yeah. That's off-putting.

27:54

And I mean that on an island. I think if you were gonna

27:56

have a condiment left out in a desert island

27:59

setting. Even though I prefer mayonnaise

28:01

to ketchup, it doesn't age

28:03

well. Yeah, it's one of those

28:05

condiments that if you left it long

28:07

enough, I think it could start moving

28:10

by itself. It

28:12

starts to become something very strange and different.

28:15

Now, I will say unless there's, you know, some

28:17

kind of 3D chest of this that I hadn't anticipated,

28:19

like could you, using these kind

28:21

of natural caking properties, could

28:24

you craft a vessel out of it? I

28:27

don't know. But I mean,

28:29

one thing I do find interesting and disturbing

28:32

is are you kind of aware of this, like the

28:34

national differences in

28:37

attitudes towards mayonnaise

28:39

versus ketchup? We kind of have got like, well,

28:41

I know in Europe anyway, it's like cross

28:44

a border. I think

28:46

the idea, honestly, is if you go to McDonald's in

28:48

different countries, they will by default give

28:50

you different sauces. So some countries

28:52

go ketchup, some countries go mayonnaise. Yeah,

28:55

I think in the Netherlands, they're big on mayonnaise, aren't

28:57

they with chips and things like that? And yeah,

28:59

I mean, Japanese mayonnaise is incredible.

29:02

It's insane. Japanese may there's a store

29:05

not far from me in London that sells the big

29:07

tubs of it. And I only had to stop

29:09

buying it because I had almost doubled in size

29:12

within a fortnight. Yeah, do you know what? I

29:14

don't like I heard people going on about it. And I

29:16

thought it was just this hipster thing of like, oh,

29:18

you've got to try Japanese mayonnaise. And

29:21

I like mayonnaise, but I can have a normal part of

29:23

it in the fridge for ages. And I'll just

29:25

occasionally use it on a sandwich or some chips

29:28

or whatever. Japanese one

29:30

comes into my house and I am just

29:32

an animal. I'm making coleslaw, I'm

29:34

putting on everything I can do. Like,

29:37

I just and I'll say to people, try

29:39

this because it will change your life. Not in a you'll

29:42

find it's really good. But I mean, your cholesterol

29:44

will change. Like it will actively

29:47

change your life. You will live for less.

29:50

Not the good cholesterol, not the LDL or whatever

29:52

the bad stuff. Yeah, you will live a shorter

29:55

life with this Japanese mayonnaise

29:57

in your life. All right. Well, I'm starting

29:59

to. think that if the three of us plus

30:01

mayonnaise were on the island I'd be

30:04

getting

30:04

you know tossed overboard not the mayonnaise.

30:07

But look this is mayonnaise from a plane it's gonna

30:09

be shit kind of vinegary crap

30:11

mayonnaise which you know you

30:13

know everything that you like also has an extra

30:16

bad version I think that's what we're gonna get and so

30:18

Rory you're not gonna be that happy with the mayonnaise either

30:20

I think. No probably not in this situation

30:23

I don't know what mayonnaise and coconut taste

30:25

like together but it's probably not great. Well

30:28

you've got Willy Wonka to combine

30:31

them and see what he can come up with. Oh

30:34

what's this chocolate? Oh it's coconut. Oh it's

30:36

got a mayonnaise centre. You

30:38

animal. They love

30:40

it in Japan. It's very uncultured

30:43

of you Rory. Okay

30:45

and what's your drink choice going to be? The

30:48

worst drink that I can

30:50

think of is again this is probably

30:52

gonna be a controversial one is sparkling

30:55

water. Good yeah I'm 100% on board with this.

30:59

I cannot stand sparkling

31:01

water I don't know why we

31:03

had to take a drink that

31:06

is I guess the most essential liquid

31:09

any human can have and

31:11

require on a daily basis and make

31:13

it fizzy make make it harder to drink

31:16

it's a nightmare I really can't stand it. Yeah

31:18

where do you stand on this kit? I

31:21

couldn't I mean I can't say I'm surprised that

31:24

Rory doesn't have enough kind of class

31:26

or panache or style

31:29

to enjoy it's kind of such a sophisticated beverage

31:31

I can't say I'm surprised but I do totally disagree

31:34

I think it has medicinal

31:36

and kind of therapeutic

31:38

benefits due to its lovely mineral

31:41

content it's quite refreshing it

31:43

has a kind of savoriness

31:46

to it I suppose which pairs well

31:48

with food and who doesn't

31:50

like bubbles Rory you're you're born in

31:52

Georgia you love bubbles in my

31:54

Diet Coke kit in my Diet

31:56

Coke it just is unnecessary

31:59

anytime I'm drinking drinking, if I'm drinking a glass

32:01

of water, I'm doing it for two

32:03

reasons. I am dehydrated and

32:06

I need nourishment. That's

32:08

actually the only reason. At

32:12

no point do I think I would love

32:14

this to be fizzy. I would love this

32:16

flavorless liquid to

32:18

be harder to drink and

32:21

make it a more painful experience.

32:25

I just think it must be one of those things

32:27

that those of us who don't like

32:29

it taste something different because it

32:31

has such a strong taste to me that

32:33

it isn't just water with bubbles in. It's

32:36

so strong and even if it's

32:39

flat, it's not just water then. I

32:41

think flat coke is still coke. I

32:46

guess it must be the gas or something but I think other people

32:48

are like, what do you mean it's just water with bubbles? What

32:50

are you getting so weird about? Like

32:53

water, fine with that. But that's

32:55

obviously got stuff added to it. When

32:58

I drink water, I taste water. When

33:00

I drink fizzy water, sparkling

33:03

water, it's so fizzy.

33:06

I feel like all

33:09

I can taste is the bubbles. I don't get anything

33:11

from it. It's just bubbles in my mouth. I

33:14

feel like I'm drinking a witch's

33:16

cauldron or something. I can't even get a full

33:18

gulp or swallow. It's like bubbling

33:21

up in my mouth. Rory, I

33:23

don't pretend to be an expert on the

33:25

subject but I do have an interesting angle to

33:27

this which might be able to

33:30

change your mind depending on what type of island

33:32

we have crash landed on because I would

33:35

agree that you

33:37

go to your Tesco's water aisle

33:39

and you pick up the Tesco's cheapest

33:41

two-liter bottle of water. That

33:44

is sparkling water truly for oaths.

33:47

Of course in a pinch, I will drink it. We're

33:50

all cost-conscious but the

33:52

bubbles are too large. That is because

33:54

it is artificially

33:57

carbonated after the fact. So they take...

34:00

regular kind of spring water, which is not carbonated,

34:02

then the carbonated after the fact. So

34:04

what we need to get you, and as I say, maybe on this

34:07

island, we could find one, we need to find a naturally occurring aquifer,

34:10

which is naturally sparkling, which

34:12

is much less sparkling. You know the way like

34:15

some beer is like really aggressively carbonated,

34:17

and then like, whereas a Guinness is like, barely

34:19

carbonated. I didn't even know

34:21

this was a thing. I didn't know you could get different

34:24

levels of carbonated water. Maybe you're right.

34:26

Maybe I've just been getting the one with the max bubble

34:28

levels. I feel like I'm drinking bathwater.

34:31

It's almost like crunchy. Yeah,

34:33

yeah. So aggressive. Yeah,

34:36

I don't know. I mean, I think it's, you

34:38

know, we come back to this a lot on the podcast with something

34:40

is so similar to something that you love. It's

34:43

almost worse than just something else, like another

34:45

drink that you hate, you know, because you

34:48

know, you still have that weird taste to you Rory

34:50

and Kit, you're gonna be like, you know, what's the problem

34:52

with this, you know, I think what's great about your food

34:54

and drink choices is that you disagree with

34:57

each other as well, thus causing even more

34:59

animosity and pain on the island. So

35:01

that's just a lovely, a lovely flourish

35:03

there for both of you, I think. Right. You know,

35:05

yeah, imagine if we, if we, if we

35:07

twist this that, you know, imagine we'd intended

35:10

to bring these items and Rory turns to me on the

35:12

day we crash. I goes, good news, brother. I

35:15

brought enough mayonnaise for everyone and I strangle

35:17

him to death. That is kind of the, the,

35:20

I think the why our dynamic works

35:23

so well is because Kit's knowledge

35:25

fills in my ignorance. You

35:28

know, if we crash land on an island, Kit

35:31

has his organic matcha latte. I've

35:33

got my monster energy

35:35

drink and my McDonald's one pound

35:38

cheeseburger, you know, we both compliment

35:40

each other in different ways. Yeah, yeah, it's good.

35:42

It's good to see. I mean, I feel that

35:44

Willy Wonka is going to try and compliment your choices

35:47

by making fizzy mayonnaise at some point.

35:49

But

35:52

hopefully your friendship will last that.

35:55

Wait,

35:58

are you gaming on a Chromebook?

35:59

Yeah, it's got a high-res 120

36:02

Hertz display plus this killer

36:04

RGB keyboard and I can access thousands

36:06

of games anytime Anywhere stop

36:09

playing what get out of here, huh?

36:11

Yeah, I want you to stop playing and

36:13

get out of here so I can game on that Chromebook

36:16

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cart Okay. Now Fortunately,

36:56

you won't be without entertainment on the island

36:59

the planes entertainment system continues

37:01

to work But just your luck it only has two

37:03

working settings One is your least favorite

37:06

film of all time and the other is your least favorite

37:08

song. What are they and why? well,

37:12

I can tackle the music

37:14

side and unfortunately,

37:17

even even just this hypothetical

37:20

premise is To be

37:22

honest pretty traumatizing that's because

37:24

I kind of have my own Experience

37:27

of just this scenario. That's why

37:29

the song in question that is playing

37:32

on repeat on This multimedia

37:34

system is a 2001 classic

37:37

drops of Jupiter brackets. Tell me

37:39

by the band train. Oh Man,

37:41

yes, this is a good choice so

37:45

I Mean I'll say just

37:47

just you know, because anytime I talk feel about

37:49

this song they said they tell me they don't know what it Is

37:51

you do know what it is? I'm sorry

37:54

in advance, but it's the one with the course tell

37:56

me did you sail across the

37:58

Sun? Did you make it to the Milky Way? I was

38:02

on a flight to Japan

38:05

coming up again. My wife and I were

38:07

going to Japan. We'd saved up for a long

38:09

time. We were dead excited for this. We were getting an Air

38:11

France flight from Heathrow to Tokyo.

38:13

It's 2019. We board the flight. We

38:18

couldn't be more excited. We take our seats

38:21

and as we take our seats, drops

38:23

of Jupiter brackets tell me is playing over

38:25

the system. I don't even know the name of the song. Not

38:28

that familiar with it, but

38:30

I instantly recognize it.

38:34

By all accounts, it's a great song.

38:36

It's of a certain era in those early

38:38

2000s. There's still

38:41

a bit of optimism. Still

38:43

left in the world. Indie

38:46

Rock was reaching

38:49

its cusp of those next few years. Some

38:52

great catchy songwriting,

38:55

very earnest emotional lyrics. I

38:58

find myself nodding along to it and quite

39:00

happy this would become the soundtrack to my

39:03

life-changing trip to Japan. Little

39:06

did I know, much like in this situation

39:08

of being stranded on the desert island, that plane

39:11

would be grounded at the airport

39:13

for a few hours. What

39:16

I also didn't know was that just like

39:18

in this scenario, the multimedia system

39:21

was incapable of playing any other song

39:23

than drops of Jupiter brackets tell

39:26

me. I was exposed to

39:28

a Guantanamo Bay level of psychic

39:30

damage and torture. Having

39:33

to listen to this, just on blind

39:35

repeat over and over

39:38

and over, each word to this day burned

39:40

into my psyche. As I say,

39:44

sadly this isn't hypothetical. I've lived this

39:47

and I know what it's like. Wow, that is amazing.

39:49

Christ, imagine how

39:52

technically advanced a jet is, but you can't

39:55

turn off the on hold music. I

39:57

mean that's worrying, isn't it? Yeah,

40:00

you really lived it. When I hear that

40:02

song, it feels like it's designed to be

40:04

kind of on hold music. Yeah.

40:07

I can't believe it's really a band that

40:10

wrote it and put it on an album and go out

40:12

and tour it, you know, because it's so sort of

40:15

insipid to me and just so inoffensive

40:17

that it fits that kind of thing perfectly.

40:20

I know what you mean. It's very like, um,

40:23

sinkable as musicians would say, like, like

40:25

you can see on ads, on TV programs.

40:28

I think I had to look, because Alex

40:30

didn't even know the name of the song, I had to look up before

40:32

this recording. And I think they want to ground me

40:34

for it. So, you know, good luck

40:36

to them. Wow. I mean,

40:40

I recently found out that there's

40:42

seven members of that band and I find

40:44

it, you know, when you think like, Oh, fucking

40:47

way. You know anything, I get it if it's

40:49

like a sort of technical thrash metal band

40:51

and you need like a couple of guitars, maybe a

40:53

couple of, you know, an extra percussionist or something.

40:56

Yeah. It's sort of middle of the road, soft

40:58

rock. What are you all doing?

41:02

They just be a childhood best friend who didn't amount

41:05

to anything. He had to kind of give him a gig. It's

41:08

unbelievable to me. Yeah. You know,

41:10

you know, whenever the singer and lead guitarist,

41:12

you know, kind of when all the rest of the

41:14

band have called it a night and those guys

41:16

are still holding up the hotel bar

41:19

at 2am in Tokyo, you know, you

41:21

know, they're being like, bro, we got to ditch the dead weight.

41:24

Did you see that recent like that American

41:26

Express ad we did, bro, if that

41:29

had just been me and you, we'd be rich, rich

41:31

on the wildest dreams. Yeah,

41:34

I just think it's that sort of thing that for

41:36

me, I get that sort of stuff really stuck

41:38

in my head. I don't know what part of my psyche hates

41:41

me, but like, I really get those kind

41:43

of things stuck in my head. And it's just kind

41:45

of, yeah, because like you said, it's so syncable.

41:47

It just loops so

41:50

easily, you know, and it's a, and

41:52

it's got a little sing along kind

41:54

of loop to it. And yeah,

41:56

I think, I mean, as you say, you know what it's like. So imagine

41:58

being. that situation for

42:00

a second time in your life. Yeah,

42:04

yeah, yeah, I don't really want to go there. Oh

42:07

man, that is absolutely fantastic. What's

42:10

your film choice going to be? The

42:12

film choice, I wanted to keep this one

42:14

pretty current and pretty recent, because

42:17

I think it's very rare that I have a

42:19

take that kind of disagrees

42:22

with the opinions of the larger public, despite

42:24

hating Paddington Bear. But

42:26

this is also one that Kit and I have had,

42:28

this is the closest I think we've ever got

42:30

to fist fighting each other, discussing

42:33

our opinions on this movie

42:35

before. And that is the recent

42:38

sci-fi mega blockbuster

42:41

called Dune. Okay,

42:43

yes, yes, yes. Now, so

42:46

Rory, you dislike it, Kit, you like it. Love

42:48

it. Okay. Yeah, we're

42:50

both on the furthest end of that spectrum

42:53

possible. This is music to my ears. Yeah,

42:56

yeah. How did you find it, Dan? Have

42:58

you seen it? I have seen it and

43:02

it was, to be honest, I kind

43:04

of, I'm probably in the middle, I sort of saw

43:06

it and I think right at the beginning

43:09

it says something like part one. So already

43:11

I was a bit like, oh, come on, you didn't tell

43:13

me this, you were going to do this. And

43:15

it's a two and a half hour film. So I'm like, don't

43:18

make it a part one, you know, if you want to do

43:20

that. But the thing is, it was one of those evenings,

43:22

I was really desperate to just, I hadn't been out the

43:24

house in ages, I worked from home and I was like,

43:26

I've got to get out. None of my friends were around for

43:28

a drink. And I thought, I never do this,

43:30

I'm going to go to the cinema on my own in the evening.

43:33

And it was such a rare treat to just be like

43:35

child free in the cinema on my own. It was

43:37

a really comfy cinema, had a whole sofa

43:40

to myself. And I kind of think, if

43:42

I see anything in that sort of scenario,

43:45

I will always give it like two more points

43:47

out of 10 than I would if I just watched it at home

43:49

on my telly, you know, absolutely. Yeah. But

43:52

I did sort of feel like I didn't really care about

43:54

anything that happened. Yeah.

43:57

Yeah, I kind of, I was only just. disappointed

44:00

because I think I got to it a little bit late.

44:03

So by the time I got to it, the hype

44:05

was already there. People were like, this, this

44:07

is a masterpiece. This is

44:09

cinema like it hasn't been in years.

44:12

This is, you know, a galaxy

44:15

so massive and abstract,

44:17

it's going to blow your mind. And

44:20

I think by the time we got to an hour

44:22

and a half in, and very,

44:24

very little had kind of taken place. As you

44:26

said, I didn't really care about anything that had

44:28

happened. There'd been just

44:31

as many dream sequences as

44:33

there had been real life events, all

44:36

of the dreams about a character that's

44:38

not even in the movie. She's in the second

44:41

half. So you don't even really know what's going on there.

44:43

Yeah, even knowing that it was the first

44:45

half of a two parter. They don't even

44:48

really, anytime a movie does that

44:50

like splits into the two parts. I'm like,

44:52

you know what, I think that's fine. And I will allow

44:55

it. But you've got to give us something

44:57

that feels like an ending, even if at

44:59

the halfway point, the ending

45:01

of June really didn't deliver that for me. I think

45:04

there's like a little scrap fight

45:06

in a desert where somebody kills

45:09

a guy. Paul killed a man. Paul killed a man. So

45:11

it was a little more than a scrap. Paul killed

45:13

a guy you met so recently. I

45:15

don't think he even learned his name. He had

45:18

two minutes of on screen action.

45:20

It was a symbolism of Paul's entrance into

45:22

this uncontacted tribe and

45:26

setting up the entire next movie. I mean, you said

45:28

that nothing happened in the first hour and a half, but

45:30

I seem to remember one planet invaded

45:32

another planet, which is actually quite

45:35

a lot. That was the one thing that

45:37

did happen. There were bits that I did

45:39

enjoy, but I think that combined

45:42

with the level

45:44

of prestige it was being given, the way

45:46

people were talking about it. I think I came

45:48

out of it just being like I could see

45:50

in a different movie than everyone else. Yeah,

45:53

I often feel quite out of sync with

45:55

public opinion. And I find it is

45:57

a really frustrating feeling when

45:59

you kind of want to come out and rant

46:02

about something and

46:04

no one know and you can't find anything

46:06

on the internet that agrees with you and you're like,

46:10

you guys like really pent up kind of like

46:12

disappointment and like, yeah,

46:14

it's difficult. I mean, yeah, as I say,

46:16

like, I just can't remember much about

46:19

it. I just remember like it looked really good. sound

46:22

was good. No

46:24

idea. Like if I watched the second one, I'd really

46:26

have to take a refresher because I don't know who anyone

46:28

is. I think I find Timothy Chalamet

46:31

a little bit annoying, just in general, and that's

46:34

me. There's no reason for that. I can really

46:36

say why I just find him a bit irritating.

46:40

The one thing I do remember about when I went to

46:42

see Dune is I went to see it down

46:45

at South Bank here in London. And

46:47

afterwards, I mean, my friends went out to

46:49

the kind of markets that they have there. Because

46:52

it was around Christmas time, I think so we went to go get

46:54

a drink of mulled wine. And we

46:56

went to one of the stalls. And

46:58

the guy serving

47:00

the drinks looked so

47:02

much like Timothy Chalamet, that

47:05

I thought this was some sort of, like

47:08

viral, junket, like press

47:11

activation, that it was like outside

47:13

of Dune, we made Timothy Chalamet serve

47:15

mulled wine, if anyone would notice

47:17

that it was him. You're about to turn up on

47:19

the GQ hype YouTube channel kind

47:22

of being filmed from afar. Yeah, look

47:24

at this moron. He just saw Dune and didn't

47:26

realize he was talking to Timothy Chalamet.

47:29

Yeah, I do think that sort of feels like a Timothy

47:31

Chalamet move to sort of just get really

47:33

into character for his next thing.

47:35

Yeah, a mulled wine, you know, humble mulled

47:38

wine salesman in a Christmas market, you

47:40

know, as a sort of temporary job while he's the

47:42

struggling actor or something. Well, I

47:44

didn't even think about this. But maybe

47:47

I do hate Timothy Chalamet as

47:49

well, because now he's playing Willy Wonka. All

47:51

my hatred come together. Oh, it's come

47:54

full circle. beautiful

48:00

thing. Brilliant.

48:02

Okay. Well, I think so far your choices

48:05

have been superb. We've got one more to make

48:07

because finally the island is overrun

48:09

by the biggest dick of all the animals.

48:12

Which animal is it and why? Unfortunately,

48:15

biggest dick might actually be anatomically

48:17

correct in the description of this terrifying

48:20

beast. Our choice

48:23

for this animal has been the skunk

48:25

ape. I

48:28

don't know what this is. So, you

48:30

know, like I said earlier, you know, in our profession,

48:33

we come face to face every week, you

48:35

know, with terrifying beasts,

48:37

specifically cryptids, which just really means

48:40

an animal unknown to science

48:42

or gods, but exists in the kind of paranormal

48:45

research world. You know, think Nessie,

48:48

think Bigfoot. And we've come across

48:50

hundreds of such creatures, the skunk ape

48:52

being one of the most terrifying. This thing

48:54

is native to Florida and

48:57

the Everglades. Its name obviously

48:59

evokes some pretty simple ideas.

49:02

You could put them all out of your mind. It's

49:05

Bigfoot. Like it's basically

49:07

Bigfoot in every regard. Eight

49:09

foot tall, bipedal, hairy, walks

49:12

weird, but it smells like

49:14

shit.

49:16

That's the main difference between the two of them.

49:18

Yeah. One of them smells repulsive.

49:21

I mean, I imagine if Bigfoot was

49:23

in the Everglades, what with the humidity and

49:25

all that hair, it probably would smell pretty bad

49:28

after a while. I mean, that's the thing. Bigfoot

49:30

himself, he probably smells like shit.

49:32

I mean, all that fur wandering around in the

49:35

forest. So if there's another version

49:37

of him that's known for how bad

49:39

it smells, my god, how bad

49:41

could it be? I mean, I don't want to get crass, but

49:43

Bigfoot isn't wiping. So he definitely

49:46

smells, but the skunk ape

49:49

is even worse, which yeah, it

49:51

simply begs belief. I

49:54

mean, to be honest,

49:57

being stuck on an island with any kind of

49:59

paranormal cryptid is pretty

50:01

terrifying. As you say, if it's overrun, I mean,

50:04

these things are seen very infrequently. But

50:07

if it's overrun, I mean, that's, it's

50:09

a wrap. Paul Jay And I think

50:11

with something like a skunk

50:14

ape or a Bigfoot, you know, we have no idea

50:17

if they're peaceful. I mean,

50:19

I suppose we assume they're peaceful, because you didn't hear about

50:21

attacks, you know, they're very rare sightings,

50:23

but you're always going to be a bit on edge because,

50:26

you know, basically, you're trapped with this very

50:29

big thing that's probably quite fast

50:31

and strong. And, you know, you

50:33

don't know if it's going to run out of food, what it

50:35

eats, is always going to be that tension

50:37

of like, are we going to get killed by the skunk apes

50:40

tonight, which is not a great sentence.

50:42

Paul Jay Yeah, no, you're

50:44

exactly right. And if we're talking about a creature

50:46

that smells this bad, I mean, let's

50:48

say if the plane crashes in the ocean,

50:51

and you got to swim a mile to get to

50:53

the island, I don't even think that's cleaning

50:55

them up much. I think this is just going

50:57

to be I mean, hopefully, it's one of those smells

50:59

that you kind of get used to. After

51:02

a while, like people who

51:04

have gross dogs, and they're

51:06

unaware that their apartment smells like shit.

51:09

Paul Jay But I kind of think like, you

51:11

know, maybe it's just something we've built, you know, like shit

51:13

is always meant to smell bad to us as humans,

51:15

you know, like rotting food is always has

51:17

to smell bad to us, because that's how we evolved to

51:20

know it's, it's not good. So I

51:22

kind of think for this island, we're never going to get used

51:24

to it. Paul Jay And I mean, I don't

51:26

want to disturb the listeners further. But

51:28

it's really worth pointing out that, you know, obviously,

51:31

we cover a lot of stuff on our podcast. And, you know,

51:33

spoiler alert, most

51:35

of it we say isn't real. At the end of the episode,

51:38

we always like to come down and give our two cents.

51:40

But whether we think something's real or not, disturbingly,

51:42

in the case of the skunk ape, we said it was real.

51:47

We were, you know, I presented to Rory

51:50

some pretty irrefutable a

51:52

video evidence of him strutting through

51:54

the Everglades, which didn't necessarily

51:57

win Rory over, we've seen hoaxed

51:59

video evidence. before but

52:01

then I was able to there was a terrifying

52:04

story of skunk ape that

52:06

kept visiting a woman's back

52:09

garden I seem to remember and maybe eating

52:12

apples from her apple tree and

52:14

one night she was ready with the Polaroid

52:17

camera and she snapped some think

52:19

of like old Facebook club photos with

52:21

the flash on you know when your mates

52:23

were like one foot from your fate from the camera lens

52:26

it's like that but of the skunk ape it's quite

52:28

terrifying oh man I'm definitely going

52:30

to have to look it up but I think it's a it's

52:33

a great choice for your island as well just

52:35

the idea of these things roaming around and

52:38

and if they turn out to be mean you know it's

52:40

almost like a horror film it's like you know you go for

52:42

a pee and you kind of see something

52:44

wandering up to you like Paddington

52:46

did

52:49

you fall in the latrine again you're like oh

52:51

no and then just goes for you and that's that you

52:54

know yeah you know Paddington would

52:56

probably try and befriend this thing because it's

52:58

like hey I'm a bear you're kind of a bear

53:00

and this thing would probably rip him in two pieces

53:03

with only luck yeah yeah it was strutting

53:05

around with his little red hat on

53:07

a double coat that's never going to fit but it's

53:10

trying it's also kind of uh

53:12

in a Twilight Zone esque uh

53:15

twist it would be very frustrating because

53:17

you would finally be in a position where you

53:19

could take pictures and get

53:21

first-hand evidence to prove this thing exists

53:24

while also not being able to tell anyone because

53:26

you're stuck on a desert island yeah so

53:29

that extra cruel irony would be uh

53:31

would be painful as well yeah yeah

53:34

well look as I say I think it's a great

53:36

final choice uh to what is already

53:38

a lovely island populated

53:41

with people and things that I think like

53:43

I say it's great that you don't even agree

53:45

on all of them as well because it's going to turn

53:47

you against each other it's just ah

53:50

it's a work of

53:50

art so well done guys well done now

53:53

um you guys are about to go on tour so uh

53:55

tell everyone about their places you're going on tour

53:58

we are we're We're about to

54:00

embark on our first world

54:02

tour. We did a UK tour for the first time last year, but we're

54:04

doing a world tour this time. That is to say

54:07

America and the UK. So

54:09

we're going to be heading over

54:11

for our first show is in LA on the 6th of October.

54:14

We're making our way to San Francisco,

54:16

Chicago, Somerville,

54:18

outside Boston, and New York before

54:20

heading over to the UK. Rory. Yeah,

54:23

we're starting off in Belfast. Then

54:26

we've got Manchester, Glasgow,

54:28

and then finally ending up right back

54:30

here in London at the Hackney Empire,

54:33

I believe on the 28th, which is Halloween weekend.

54:36

So if you are interested in having

54:38

a spooky little October, seeing

54:40

some great live comedy all about the paranormal,

54:43

definitely come check it out. If you

54:45

love Dune, I apologize. I'm

54:48

willing to have a lengthy discussion about it

54:50

post show at the bar. Change

54:52

my mind. Okay, brilliant. Well,

54:55

all the best for the tour. I hope it goes really well. And

54:58

thanks for coming on Desert Island Dicks today, mate.

55:00

Thank you for having us. Thank you so much, Dan. Really

55:02

appreciate it.

55:17

So there you go, the lads from this paranormal

55:20

life there on Desert Island Dicks.

55:22

And I think that's it. We're going to keep it short and

55:24

sweet today. Obviously, another reminder

55:27

to go and buy your tickets for us

55:29

live, doing a live show on Thursday, the 2nd

55:32

of November, as I mentioned before. It

55:34

features the brilliant Jenny Eclair.

55:37

It's on Thursday, the 2nd of November

55:39

at the Bedford pub in Ballam,

55:42

which is a brilliant venue in Southwest

55:44

London. And we would love to see you there. So go

55:46

and get your tickets now. Cheerfully.co.uk.

55:50

Desert Island Dicks was a Sync Clap production.

55:52

It was dreamt up and produced by James Deacon,

55:55

produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus,

55:58

and beautifully edited. by Chris

56:00

Attaway. Thank you, Chris. And also,

56:03

I'm giving him an extra thank you there because I've

56:05

made a real fucking mess of this intro

56:07

and outro and he's had to do even more editing,

56:10

so apologies, Chris. And before I go,

56:12

as always, a big shout out

56:14

and a hearty, warm handshake

56:17

to the big man, John Deacon. We'll

56:19

be back next week with another episode,

56:22

so thank you for listening. Bye bye.

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