0:01

This is exactly right. Hey,

0:07

Karen, if you could time travel,

0:09

where would you go? Victorian England,

0:11

for sure. Oh, yes,

0:13

great call. And until time travel

0:15

becomes a reality, there's always June's

0:17

Journey. That's right. June's Journey is

0:19

a mobile mystery game that follows June

0:21

Parker, a New York socialite living in

0:23

London. June's world is turned upside

0:25

down by her sister's murder. But little

0:28

does she know, this will be the

0:30

first in a long line of troubling

0:32

mysteries. You'll play as June while

0:34

she investigates beautifully designed scenes on

0:36

lavish estates, searching for hidden clues.

0:39

There are twists, turns and catchy

0:41

tunes, all leading you deeper into

0:43

the thrilling storyline. There's a chance to

0:46

test your detective skills, and if you play well

0:48

enough, you could make it to the Detective Club.

0:50

There you'll chat with other players and compete

0:53

with or against them. June needs

0:55

your help, but watch out. You'll never know

0:57

which character might be a villain. Stalking

0:59

family secrets will be revealed. Will

1:02

you crack this case? Find out

1:04

as you escape this world for

1:06

June's Journey and experience the mystery,

1:08

murder and romance. It's all just

1:10

one tap away. Discover your inner

1:12

detective when you download June's

1:14

Journey for free today on

1:16

iOS and Android. That's June's Journey.

1:19

Download the game for free on iOS and

1:21

Android. Thank you. You're welcome.

1:24

We took it all we brought

1:26

them to on live. And

1:30

and last night, Emperor Hot

1:32

and Ice cold the range

1:34

of the earth. We make

1:37

this colors. Car

1:40

didn't have worked on box we

1:42

did not see we could not

1:44

but she did the a right

1:47

of high pick a. Similar

1:49

starker: How play. To. Play.

1:52

It now with game pass. Either

2:00

way, we want to be fair But,

2:03

nothing happens We'll try to

2:06

please give up time and hate Terminal

2:10

and Yay-ay We

2:12

wanna send you up inside We

2:17

wanna welcome you back home How

2:21

it sounds that every scare would

2:23

be fine Now

2:26

part Do you

2:28

need a ride? Do

2:54

you need a ride? With

3:03

Karen and Chris You're

3:08

listening to Do You Need a Ride? This

3:11

is Chris Fairbanks Chris,

3:13

you did the ending speech at the

3:15

beginning Yeah, yeah, I... A

3:17

lot of times we are at

3:20

our peak, performance-wise at the end of

3:22

a podcast So I thought I would

3:24

just... Start it in the end? Yes,

3:26

and... Nah, this is

3:28

another example of me not admitting my

3:30

mistakes It is embarrassing

3:33

I'm so sorry I embarrassed you and called

3:35

you How often do I say welcome to

3:37

Do You Need a Ride? This is Chris

3:39

Fairbanks It's been 12 years, I believe

3:42

And they still don't know who you are See,

3:45

I take the mirror when it's on me and

3:47

then I shine it in someone else's face That's

3:49

right Guess what? You're also a vampire Guess

3:51

what? It's not just my mirror, asshole

3:54

Yeah, two can look into this mirror

3:56

Dracula But I do welcome you all

3:59

We are... are in the car driving on what

4:01

most people would describe as a gloomy day,

4:03

I would

4:07

disagree. This kind of weather puts a pep in

4:09

my step. It is strange

4:12

for it being

4:14

middle of May to have this San

4:16

Francisco weather here in Los Angeles. Yes.

4:19

But I don't mind it. I just started with an

4:22

air conditioner on yesterday and had to turn it off

4:24

and then turn the heater on today. That's a bit

4:26

of a... Yeah. That's a lot.

4:29

I love the sickle weather and

4:31

I love knowing the sun is

4:33

not damaging my skin,

4:35

which thanks to you I'm

4:37

focused on. Yeah. Not to mention

4:40

my eyeballs. Because you're

4:42

wearing sunglasses? I never wear sunglasses. And

4:44

now that I have prescription glasses, I

4:46

wear them even less than never. The

4:51

prescription makes me wear my sunglasses all

4:53

the time, including indoors. I gotta get

4:56

some. I gotta get yet another

4:58

pair with tint and I

5:00

do not mean transitions. Good.

5:02

The moment in between a

5:05

clear transition lens and a

5:07

tinted one is a moment

5:09

where you will scare

5:12

me if you walk in

5:14

the room with your hazy purple tint. It

5:16

is that moment where Gary Ridgway became

5:19

the Green River Killer. It is in

5:21

that moment. Yeah. On

5:23

either end of the literal

5:25

lens spectrum, he

5:28

would have been an upstanding citizen.

5:30

Yeah. I did just watch about

5:32

Larry. He is a scary,

5:35

scary person. Who Gary? Gary

5:37

and Larry. His brother. He had

5:39

two brothers named Larry and the fact that all

5:41

those years he was on New Heart... I mean...

5:44

Killing people. Right

5:46

in front of America. His two brothers

5:48

named Daryl embedded improv. But,

5:51

limp improv is not a big nut. Yeah.

5:54

Started by... No shame in

5:57

it. Limp-rest. Limp-rest.

6:00

I am just going to get out here. Goodbye.

6:03

I don't want to be embarrassed in front of our guests.

6:05

But today, we're doing two episodes. The

6:07

first one is a solo, even though

6:10

Karen and I are two different people.

6:12

We do share a mirror. We're

6:14

both looking in the same vampire mirror.

6:16

Yes. We have for quite some time.

6:18

And there's not

6:21

a lot of visuals with this

6:23

podcast, but we always record in

6:25

a two-neck hold sweater that we

6:27

both wear. Yeah. We

6:29

record cheek to cheek like many of

6:32

the famous conjoined twins. Yes. Sometimes

6:36

only one of those twins will

6:39

have a music career and

6:41

the other is just along for the ride. I

6:44

saw it on TV. Matt Damon

6:46

and Greg Kinnear? That one. Is

6:48

that what you're talking about? One

6:51

of, yes, it's the Ferelli

6:53

brothers. Or Fairly, if

6:55

I want to say it correctly. I

6:59

knew she had. On New Year's Eve last

7:01

year, my buddy

7:03

Doug and I did the club in

7:05

Austin. What's Doug's

7:07

last name? Melard. Close

7:12

to the duck, but not quite the same.

7:15

Doug, Melard and I, at the end

7:17

of the show, our plan for New

7:19

Year's Eve after the countdown was to

7:21

wear this two-headed sweater together. Sure. That

7:25

was the only plan we really had. And

7:28

the putting on of the sweater made

7:30

me lose track

7:32

of time and we started the countdown

7:34

a good one

7:37

and a half minutes after midnight and

7:39

the crowd really took it personally. Yeah.

7:43

It ruined everyone's 2024. So

7:46

I'd like to apologize to

7:48

that room full of fiscal conservatives.

7:50

They don't accept your apology. They

7:53

do not. They want me to

7:55

pull myself up by my bootstraps.

7:57

They Want to remind you that you

7:59

had two... God yeah and and he

8:01

didn't do on a farm and it's

8:03

okay to not have a job. but

8:06

I also didn't have the wherewithal to

8:08

publicly. Become part owner

8:10

of Dell Computer satisfy. Their

8:13

children. Were. Driving Lamborghinis.

8:17

So the south. I had is the

8:19

comedy. Glad I love tap said he is

8:21

my home club. I love everyone involved and

8:23

it's it's just when I went there I

8:26

thought I was going Austin and it is

8:28

a. Outside. Person.

8:31

Avast and known as. The

8:33

Domain which is very scary. scary name

8:35

and that's just it was a punch.

8:38

It was a mall. An outdoor mall

8:40

like. A giant groves

8:42

situation? With Park Senate

8:45

very sense of stores surrounded

8:47

by residents. Super nice condos.

8:50

And. Nightlife

8:52

there was like a strip that was

8:54

like. You know, New

8:56

Orleans at night and. Fancy.

8:58

Cars would doors that. Go.

9:01

Up the James Bond way. And

9:03

they were just party and and I

9:05

was like where are all these people

9:07

getting their money. And someone said

9:10

Dell computers and I didn't ask any questions

9:12

and that that's a full answer. They were

9:14

not employs. I do know that part of

9:16

the answer. They were early stockholders, I guess.

9:19

so. I know, like. Tesla,

9:22

one of these other companies and the

9:24

beginning that republic lead you to Like.

9:27

Become. Part owner or the Green

9:29

Bay Packers? yes can you imagine just

9:31

these just get have enough light sensor

9:34

Francesca just and y nos of the

9:36

how could be in a part of

9:38

the community. Adding that she is right

9:40

into your head knowing that. As you

9:42

watch a game you're also one

9:45

of the player tell ah ah

9:47

I wish I could have sunk

9:49

by cheese and allows Everly Investments.

9:52

My dad had early apple stock.

9:55

was i think was the thing that kept

9:57

him and get the throughout the late eighties

9:59

and nineties But then in the

10:02

market crash of 2000 was it six

10:04

or seven? I think eight and

10:06

we're talking housing. But

10:09

then everything else went. Yes.

10:11

His stock crashed and then

10:13

I said, oh my God, are you so upset?

10:15

And he goes, no, that's how it works. Yeah.

10:18

And I said, thank God I got

10:20

you for a dad and not some

10:23

fucking psycho. Right. My dad was

10:25

real casual about his loss of many, many,

10:27

many, many dollars. But

10:30

dad's just, it

10:32

was that era. Well, and if you have a

10:34

good dad, they're smart enough by

10:36

that age to know that

10:39

yes, we all want security. But if you

10:41

have it, if you have enough financial security

10:43

already, you don't need that extra shit.

10:46

You can lose it and you

10:48

can lose it. And that's a chance for you to

10:51

be exactly like that

10:53

in that moment. They may have been

10:55

furious privately. Right. And demonstrated like a

10:58

leadership quality to us, which is we're

11:01

already fine. Yeah. I

11:03

do not possess that. I

11:05

would lose it. The

11:07

gyms have it covered for us. We

11:09

can do what we want. You would think I would

11:12

have a piece of that with my

11:14

middle name being James. Well, you did already

11:16

admit that you were wrong. And

11:20

you know, take the hit on that. That's

11:22

a great. Oh, on our last viral clip.

11:24

Did we post? No. We

11:26

just did it on this episode. Our last

11:28

viral clip, it went viral as

11:31

far as I know. I

11:33

was admitting how I

11:35

was wrong in that moment. It was very fun.

11:37

I relit knew it several times. It's

11:39

very funny. It's not a little like Jiminy Glitch

11:42

in any time. But

11:45

I think it's so rare these days that

11:47

a straight white man can just say, oh,

11:49

I'm sorry. I did that wrong. I'm

11:52

learning. You're doing great. I'm learning.

11:54

You know that I was that way even

11:56

a handful of years ago. We

11:58

didn't have to be. But

12:00

now, I didn't have to be right. This

12:06

podcast is brought to you in

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part by Squarespace. You know they

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you. Oh, you're welcome. Hey,

13:42

Karen, if you could time travel,

13:44

where would you go? Victorian England

13:46

for sure. Oh, yes, great

13:48

call. And until time travel becomes

13:50

a reality, there's always June's Journey.

13:52

That's right. Journey is a

13:55

mobile mystery game that follows June Parker, a

13:57

New York socialite living in London. world

14:00

is turned upside down by her sister's

14:02

murder, but little does she know, this

14:04

will be the first in a long

14:06

line of troubling mysteries. You'll play as

14:08

June while she investigates beautifully designed

14:10

scenes on lavish estates searching for

14:13

hidden clues. There are

14:15

twists, turns, and catchy tunes all

14:17

leading you deeper into the thrilling

14:19

storyline. There's a chance to test your detective

14:22

skills, and if you play well enough, you could

14:24

make it to the Detective Club. There

14:26

you'll chat with other players and compete with

14:28

or against them. You need your help,

14:30

but watch out. You'll never know which

14:32

character might be a villain. Talking

14:35

Family Secrets will be revealed. Will you

14:37

crack this case? Find out

14:39

as you escape this world for

14:41

June's Journey and experience the mystery,

14:43

murder, and romance. It's all just

14:45

one tap away. Discover your inner

14:47

detective when you download June's

14:49

Journey for free today on

14:51

iOS and Android. That's June's

14:53

Journey. Download the game for free on iOS

14:56

and Android. Thank you. You're

14:58

welcome. I

15:00

went and saw because

15:03

it was free ticket time.

15:06

The one Netflix is

15:08

a joke festival event

15:12

at the Hollywood Bowl. I watched Sebastian

15:15

Maniscalco. He's funny. Seinfeld,

15:20

who didn't talk about politics. Jim

15:24

Gaffigan and Nate Burgazzi went up

15:26

first. They pulled straws. And Nate?

15:30

What got a standing ovation? And

15:32

he is a comic that does

15:34

not try at any point to

15:37

be funny. No. Whereas everyone else, you could

15:40

tell it's not the best. It's an outdoor

15:42

venue. It was a ton of people. You

15:44

can't hear the laughs, I'm sure, because it's

15:46

the sky is there. One

15:49

thing I know about the sky being there.

15:51

Laughs get sucked into the clouds. It doesn't

15:53

like your material. Yeah. And so they all

15:56

were pushing it a little harder, which is

15:58

what I would have done. You

16:00

know, you cross your teeth, your eyes,

16:03

and cross your legs. You

16:05

slut. You cross your eyes and dot your

16:07

legs. And I, yeah,

16:10

Nate was so

16:12

good and I realized

16:14

he does a relatable

16:16

admitting his flaws, but not in

16:19

a I'm

16:21

down on myself way that I tend to lean

16:23

into. He does it a

16:26

perfect balance, which makes him relatable

16:28

to all. Yeah. Also,

16:30

he was such a wild

16:32

success hosting Saturday Night Live. And

16:34

I think that's probably one of the hardest things people

16:36

can do. And if you do it and

16:38

you kill it, I think there are

16:41

very few gigs after that that

16:43

are going to put that same kind of

16:45

nervousness into you. Right. And then you

16:47

have just really way bigger muscles

16:49

from more recent times. Yeah,

16:51

yeah. You can tell

16:53

he's just got the juice. He's just

16:55

so good, though. And he always has been.

16:58

It's like, that's the coolest thing. His

17:00

comedy is always, sorry. What

17:04

if I started crying because I love Nate for

17:06

God's sake. Yeah. And I just

17:08

realized and I look and see all these pictures of

17:10

him on your dash. And

17:14

here in the glove box, there's a little shrine. Yeah,

17:17

I could tell. And

17:21

it also was inspiring for me. Like,

17:24

I'm going to try that. I

17:26

did stand up in that venue and

17:28

on SNL as if it was just

17:30

50 people at a

17:32

comedy club in the beginning of the

17:34

square. Yeah. Casual,

17:37

no nervousness. Yeah, it's

17:39

great. He's great. That is

17:41

my report on one

17:44

of the more notable things I've done in

17:46

the time we've been apart. Cool.

17:50

Yeah. Congratulations.

17:52

Yeah. Wait, is

17:54

it? It seems

17:56

like I'm bragging that I went to a big fan for comedy characters.

17:59

No, no. Should I say,

18:01

well let's see, oh well I went and

18:03

saw, I went to New York for

18:05

my birthday. Really? I did, and

18:07

I saw Cola's goal of play, Oh Mary,

18:09

which is off Broadway now, but just recently

18:12

it was announced that it's moving to Broadway.

18:15

And it was really hilarious, and

18:17

we went there for the five o'clock show, and

18:20

Jeff Tweedy was in the audience, and a girl

18:22

from TikTok who is so funny,

18:24

who does an impression of her German

18:27

mother, and her name is

18:29

Laura, and I can't remember her last name right now, but

18:31

I spotted her first, and I was like, I need to

18:33

say hello to her, but then it was

18:35

too nerdy, and so we just left after

18:37

her. Yeah, I always do that. Yeah.

18:40

Hey, I'm a big fan. You know what? People

18:42

always appreciate it. I sure do. Everybody

18:44

out in the street say, hey I like your

18:46

stuff, but then leave. But go. But

18:50

also this felt, it was very New

18:54

York theater people, so I was like, well.

18:56

How do you say Cole's last name? Escola.

18:59

Escola. I guess I've

19:01

never said it out loud, but they make

19:03

me laugh very much. They are. They're

19:06

shady. It's

19:09

such an interesting, sunny scene,

19:11

and I was so excited because no

19:13

spoiler alerts, but if you want to see this play

19:16

and you don't want to know anything about it, and don't listen

19:18

for the next 10 seconds, I'm just

19:20

going to say, at the end they

19:22

sing, and it is

19:24

so, they're such a good

19:26

singer, and I believe have worked on

19:29

Broadway themselves a lot. Right.

19:31

From what I can tell. And it just made me so

19:34

happy because the rest of it was just

19:36

a regular play play. Right. So

19:38

it was a real tease till the very end. God

19:41

damn, a real good singer. Yeah, having

19:43

that in your back pocket trained, oh

19:46

I've had an entire other life where I

19:48

did this. Yeah. It's

19:51

a nice surprise. But because at the end of

19:53

the day, everybody loves, it

19:55

makes me think of when I was in

19:57

high school, and we had a,

19:59

like a. school assembly and the people

20:01

from the San Francisco Opera came up

20:04

to Petaluma to give us like

20:06

a demonstration of what they could do. And of

20:08

course I was stoked because I love all performing

20:11

and I was like yeah let's see this shit

20:13

but I was so scared because it was

20:15

like a school full of bullies and assholes and I was

20:18

like they're not going to appreciate this. And

20:20

these fucking people rang

20:22

that auditorium like a bell like

20:24

it was mind-blowing how loud

20:26

they can sing and how good it was

20:29

and just how inarguably talented they

20:31

were and everybody was like scanning

20:33

Ovation. Yeah all the bullies stopped arm

20:35

wrestling to go I love

20:37

the arts I also need the art in

20:40

my life. It's so funny that

20:42

we had such different high

20:44

school experiences because the only thing I can

20:46

compare that to compare

20:49

to that is the power team

20:51

coming to my school. They

20:55

would flex their muscles

20:57

kind of for Christ for

20:59

God and they would remind you often

21:02

and then they would rip apart was

21:04

it the Bible that doesn't seem right.

21:06

No the telephone book. The telephone book

21:08

yeah. And just do feats of

21:11

strength while

21:13

drunk for the Lord and they're still

21:15

active today. Are they? They just do

21:17

tours of high schools. I don't think

21:19

you even have to ask them to

21:21

show up there's no scheduling they just

21:23

arrive. They hang around in high school

21:25

parking lots and wait for the call.

21:27

Yeah and so same kind

21:30

of crowd most

21:32

of the guys in

21:34

my class you know used

21:36

to fight on the weekends and so that

21:38

just got them riled up in a different

21:41

way. They fight each other or fight

21:43

like oh strangers it was a weird

21:45

I just was thinking about this last

21:47

night the 90s were very

21:49

violent. But

21:52

in a old-timey hey I'm gonna punch

21:54

you because it's the weekend and

21:57

what else are we gonna do we're all driving

21:59

around downtown. Yes. We'll settle

22:01

this outside and energy with everything.

22:03

And it was, you know, it

22:05

was just everyone had rifles

22:08

in their gun racks, but

22:10

nothing, nothing. No one ever thought about that.

22:12

It was just a different type

22:14

of violence. Yeah. Mano a

22:16

mano. Yes. See, I most

22:18

fights I saw growing up, I

22:22

would be the only one crying in the audience. Sometimes

22:25

cars would be fanned out in the

22:27

middle of the road, Casey lamps and

22:29

lights turned on, and I would watch

22:31

my friend punch someone in their 20s

22:34

and get just many scary memories

22:36

and I would get emotional. But

22:39

there was always a handshake at the

22:41

end. That old timey, good game. It

22:46

is. It's something I appreciate now, but was

22:48

just confused about then. They're shaking hands now.

22:50

Good game. Call 911. I can't breathe.

22:53

My esophagus has collapsed. Yes.

22:55

It was just that that's not happening now,

22:58

and I suppose that's a good thing. I

23:00

think it's for the better. The

23:02

same thing used to happen in both high school

23:05

with the people I went to high school with, and of

23:07

course in college. But by the

23:09

time we were all in college,

23:11

we were really used to it. But so the

23:14

guys my sister hung out with will get in

23:16

fights every weekend. Every

23:18

night of the weekend. The

23:21

girlfriends of the guys they were fighting

23:24

would stand next to my sister and

23:26

be like, Stop it, Cody! And

23:28

scream and shit. She'd be like, sit down. It's

23:30

going to take like four minutes. Relax. I also

23:32

need a ride home. Just calm down. If

23:37

in four minutes is long.

23:43

Yes, it is. With that with hands to the

23:45

face. If it was four

23:47

minutes of constant back and forth, that

23:49

is two exhausted people. Yeah. The reason

23:52

around of boxing is only three. Don't

23:54

quote me on that. But

23:56

it's funny. I'm remembering now one of the

23:58

early. When I

24:02

recorded a few

24:04

episodes in Montana on my own a

24:06

decade ago, I drove

24:08

around those roads and I'm

24:11

like, describe the scary fight

24:13

and just submitted it. You

24:16

probably never even heard.

24:18

I don't listen to this podcast. I do.

24:20

I started to. I think it's pretty good.

24:23

Is it? Yeah, we're good. We have a

24:25

thing, certainly a rapport. You

24:29

can tell we do our research.

24:32

Yeah, we really care. At the end,

24:34

I always say a non-truth. Just

24:38

to throw it out there as a test.

24:40

Two troops and a lie. My favorite party

24:43

game. We

24:45

took it all. We brought

24:48

them to our land. What

24:50

an endless night. Ember

24:52

hot and icy. The

24:55

rage of the earth. You

24:58

made the discussion. I

25:00

have no idea what to ask. We

25:03

do see. We have not a

25:05

machine yet. And in the end,

25:07

what will I become? Senua

25:10

Saga. Hellblade 2. Play

25:12

it now with Game Pass. Here's

25:15

what I don't like about... Me.

25:18

Uh, no, no. Oh, sorry. About

25:21

drive time traffic. Yes. The

25:23

fucking stop and go of those two right lanes.

25:26

Like if you're over there, this lane can be

25:28

going full tilt. Right. That lane can be

25:30

starting to go full tilt and then come

25:32

to a complete stop and the people behind

25:34

you don't know. Right. And then when you

25:36

go to get out of that lane, you're

25:38

dunning it toward a stopped car. Yep. Just

25:41

want to remind everybody, this is a real

25:43

car ride. Yes. And

25:46

we will give you the details and

25:48

hopefully you pick up on some of

25:50

the advice. If you're in the far

25:52

left lane, it is for the people

25:54

going fast. As if you aren't planning

25:56

on going fast. Get out of it.

25:58

Get over. Get over to the

26:00

right. Please get over. Yourself.

26:05

And speed up. Nate Vargazi.

26:08

Get over yourself. Let

26:11

me scoot up to your career,

26:13

Nate. Remember

26:15

that time in a van we chewed

26:17

Kodiak together? Bonding

26:21

over the fact that we didn't care about

26:23

the health of our

26:25

lips? That's

26:28

a true story. Doesn't sound

26:30

true. I know, because

26:32

it's so outlandish. It's like, ooh, you

26:34

can't even write stuff like that. It's

26:36

boring to talk about. It's like a

26:39

real LA story. Yes. I

26:42

came here with nothing but some

26:44

hopes and dreams and a can

26:46

of tobacco. Making friends with human

26:48

tobacco. Yes. And

26:52

I have quit that, I've quit making

26:54

friends with that stuff. Smart. But

26:57

yeah, what we're experiencing now is, I

27:00

believe an inversion. We don't have to worry about

27:02

weather today, which would cause sound

27:04

problems, I think. How many podcasts have we done

27:07

in the rain? It's

27:09

only a handful. Yeah, well, those

27:12

are the episodes you can fall asleep to. Yeah,

27:14

look those up. I think they're on. Rain

27:18

episodes? I'm gonna try to do a crossover

27:20

with a sleep app. Oh yeah, calm. I'm

27:22

54, I don't know what the fuck's going

27:24

on. Yeah, yeah. Calm would have been good.

27:27

Okay, hold on. That's why I'm here. Take two.

27:30

Mm-hmm. Those episodes you can find on the Calm app.

27:32

Yeah, a little Colab we did. Let me

27:34

finish, sorry. Those

27:39

rain episodes we did. Yeah,

27:42

those are available over on the Calm app for $3.99 a

27:44

piece. We have figured

27:46

out how to monetize those. Oh, you

27:48

just wanted to brag about how we were making

27:51

money. It wasn't even funny. Okay, take four, I'll

27:53

take it out. And if

27:55

you enjoy the pitter patter of rain.

27:57

Go over onto the Calm app. Yeah,

28:00

aggressively yelling, screaming at. Three

28:05

Ninety Nine. Times.

28:08

As your breath for the punchline. Vivid.

28:14

Ah, that's. Ah, the

28:16

anti bar. God see delivery

28:19

systems right right there,

28:21

blurting, unpredictable panics, Clincher

28:23

It. Says it out of

28:25

your mouth. When. You first? well not

28:27

even just first started I did. This was mean

28:29

for a long time when I was doing comedy

28:31

is. I would get nervous.

28:34

And I would be frustrated to be nervous

28:36

because as like I know I just my

28:38

third and I know being nervous as get

28:40

it makes me not to bed right? And

28:43

then I was just become very short of

28:45

breath. So. It's a run

28:47

on air us. And the audience knows

28:49

you're doing it, knows why. it's. Happening so

28:52

they fancy comfortable right? And

28:54

then you just kind of you like of. Like.

28:56

A balloon losing it's air. Slowly in

28:58

the corner road, you just kind

29:01

of eat it quietly until you're

29:03

done. Yeah, I think they've when

29:05

you meet people that. Actually,

29:08

Say I do not enjoy stand

29:10

up comedy at people, Even people

29:12

in every sense of humor they

29:14

can't handle. How and

29:17

makes them feel to see a

29:19

comedian not. Yeah.

29:21

Or just being nervous or they put

29:23

themselves in their shoes and then they

29:25

can enjoy it. And.

29:28

I am starting to understand that.

29:31

says. It. Wants. Us

29:35

to stand up comedians. Can't.

29:37

Afford to entertain me. He

29:39

used. To

29:41

eating a dresser right? But.

29:44

I guess to ten it's not have

29:46

the it's not. As if that's not

29:48

real. Don't worry about I'm afraid I

29:50

have very much as always done that.

29:54

But I'm trying to take my time.

29:56

take my breasts. and take

29:58

my beta blockers since And

30:01

then that takes your

30:03

nervousness. It doesn't take

30:05

it away, but it doesn't

30:07

make you react in

30:09

a short of breath, handshaking type of

30:12

way. Oh. Does it

30:14

make your, give you dry mouth? Certainly,

30:16

yes. And leg spasms,

30:19

but I have a little

30:21

one, like if it's a big

30:23

scary audition and you blow it because you show

30:26

your nerves, which I have done countless times. That's

30:28

all I've ever done. I only wish it's a,

30:30

it's a, it's a, the

30:32

stars use them. It's not

30:34

something you should take regular, regularly. Mm-hmm. I

30:38

always had trouble with that word. And

30:41

yes, it, but I am, I'm going to

30:43

take a little bit of a beta blocker

30:45

for this upcoming golf

30:47

tournament that isn't celebrity comedian. It's

30:50

just pros and ams. Oh. I'm

30:53

going to be one of the ams. Yes. And it's

30:55

a big one. And I'm

30:57

nervous already, but if I take

30:59

that little blocker, it shuts out some of

31:01

the voices. No. Does

31:05

that affect performance? If

31:07

you're not tapped in authentically? Um,

31:10

you're, that's the thing. And I'm,

31:12

I'm speaking about this, this drug,

31:15

uh, without knowing much about it or having

31:18

ever taken it. Oh. It's

31:20

just been, uh, prescribed to

31:22

me by passers

31:24

by, but don't know me. Uh,

31:27

the un-tafest way to take drugs. Actors

31:30

and people that get voices, I self

31:32

sabotage in the moment with everything,

31:34

especially physical things, skateboarding and golf.

31:36

Like I know I can do

31:38

something. And then there's a voice

31:40

and with standup, it's voice in

31:42

my head says, let's, let's see

31:44

what it would feel like to

31:46

blow it right now. Yeah. And

31:49

then go blank or do something weird with

31:51

your elbow as, as you bring the club

31:54

face up, or maybe let's just see

31:56

if it, what it feels like to have

31:58

the skateboard blasting your taint. These

32:01

are all things I know I can

32:03

control and when they happen I'm so

32:05

frustrated that I let my

32:07

brain Tell my

32:09

body to do that. That's the famous rock it has

32:12

to be. I think it's Eagle Rock. That

32:14

is the great Eagle Rock? Look it looks like

32:16

an eagle. It sure does Wow,

32:19

doesn't it? It looks like the Muppet Eagle

32:21

that does the news. Yeah, there

32:24

he is. There I've often Yes,

32:27

Samuel Eagle the Be

32:30

body award-winning journalist People

32:34

climb on that rock. I also love

32:37

self-sabotage myself and one

32:40

of my favorite ways to do it is to actually

32:43

look into the audience and see who you

32:45

can see and see who you

32:47

can immediately tell a story about all The

32:50

ways they hate you and get so

32:52

lost in that story that you can't even focus

32:54

on what you're supposed to be saying Yes, cuz

32:57

you're not saying this story out loud to the

32:59

people you're keeping it to yourself while you do

33:01

your dumb jokes that you've done 29

33:04

times then you're just like man this

33:06

guy fucking hates me because he's lost

33:08

I better focus on him Yeah, yeah,

33:10

just because of the way His

33:13

arms are crossed and his shirt pattern.

33:15

I know he doesn't like me and

33:18

he's a Nazi. Yes, usually. Yeah Yeah,

33:21

it's amazing. This thing that I have

33:23

in my pocket that I'm saving Well

33:26

apparently lessens that voice and you know,

33:28

I'm not a big drug dealer not

33:31

buddy. I want some Dm

33:33

me say the word say the word. I

33:36

got a whole bag of them How about now

33:38

that we've made it to Pasadena? Can you smell

33:40

my shirt? No,

33:44

it smells great in here I

33:46

have a Concern

33:48

a sour shirt

33:51

smell concern almost all the time and you

33:53

and and you mentioned it happened After

33:55

a shirt has maybe stayed damp too long

33:57

and not in the driver when I brought

34:00

up mildew you said no never

34:02

I shouted no and I slapped

34:04

you on the knuckles but if I

34:06

were to describe the smell of mildew the

34:08

word sour it'd be the first on the

34:10

last would it really yeah I

34:13

don't I think mine is more

34:15

of a there's

34:18

always something going on with my washing machine and

34:21

so it just feels like it should have run in

34:24

the washing machine longer with more soap but

34:26

it didn't so because it didn't it didn't

34:28

get fully clean right I

34:31

always use plenty of soap sometimes

34:35

it's a bad thing yeah the

34:37

first time I worked a

34:40

comedy club in Dayton Ohio

34:42

is featuring for the great

34:44

Eddie Gosling oh and Ryan

34:47

Singer was I'm saying oh

34:49

this was 2001 or two

34:52

I the condo was a like

34:56

12th floor apartment and

34:59

I went to do the dishes trying to be

35:01

responsible I didn't grow up with a dishwasher you

35:05

you put the powder detergent

35:07

in a dishwasher yeah I

35:09

have like liquid dog soap

35:11

in the dishwasher and the

35:13

entire apartment turned to a

35:16

1990s fraternity phone party

35:19

it's like all wall to wall

35:23

four feet of foam and

35:27

I did that a

35:29

trip it then turned to soapy

35:31

water that damaged I don't even

35:33

know about the damage because I

35:35

left town yeah smart yeah

35:38

it oh that was such a

35:41

memorable weekend you know what's funny too

35:44

is because that is a very

35:46

understandable mistake so like

35:48

the idea that that mistake is

35:50

so wildly out of control when

35:53

it must happen often

35:56

right no one no one what's on

35:58

my side yeah I was Even

36:00

Eddie Gosling. Eddie laughed

36:02

his ass off. He couldn't believe I

36:05

did it. I'm like, I... Do I

36:07

have to yell that I grow up poor? We

36:10

hand wash dishes. I

36:12

only know this liquid stuff to

36:15

be for dishes. The

36:17

powder, that's rich people. Yeah.

36:21

Maybe we did have a dishwasher. I just

36:23

wasn't... I didn't have a

36:25

lot at shore. You didn't actually do the

36:27

dishes. It's different than growing up so

36:29

poor you didn't have a dishwasher. It's true.

36:31

It's true. I think on the fourth floor

36:34

of my childhood home, we did have a

36:36

dishwasher. Jesus. Yeah, that third kitchen. But I

36:38

don't know. Every time I asked about it,

36:40

our butler was like, Don't

36:43

snap back at me. You're

36:45

like weird, like butlers aren't supposed to talk

36:47

like that. Are you my father? I

36:51

just realized. Oh, so many

36:53

costumes. So much confusion. This

36:56

being homeschooled, now I'm the gym teacher.

36:59

Now I'm the class bully. Now

37:02

I'm the caretaker. Sorry.

37:05

The undertaker? The

37:08

undertaker of the wrestler? Yeah, these

37:10

are the school's grave jiggers for

37:12

all the students. How

37:15

else? The sixth student school? Oh,

37:20

man. Yeah. That was

37:22

quite the weekend. That

37:24

was... You know I don't like pranks. Ha

37:27

ha, I got you. I lied. And

37:29

you were scared. It's the first. Happy

37:32

holiday. Yeah. I

37:35

kind of knew that I'd turn the apartment to

37:37

a phone party because

37:40

the guy called me, the club owner called

37:42

me at 6am and said, What

37:45

are you still doing there? You're supposed to

37:47

be at morning radio. And

37:50

I'm like, Oh, I've heard of morning radio. Oh,

37:52

no, I'm so sorry. What do I

37:54

do? I'll call a taxi. And he's like, Ha,

37:56

I got you. Woke

37:59

me up for this, but... Oh, yeah. I

38:02

don't remember his name, but I

38:04

remember his face. Etched into

38:07

my list of enemies. Etched into

38:09

your ear, listening on the phone.

38:11

Yes. Maybe to this podcast. Hey,

38:13

Jim. Here's a thing, Jim. Yeah,

38:16

Jim. Pranks are all

38:18

fun and games until you're calling people on the phone

38:20

at fucking 6 a.m. Are you

38:22

joking? Yeah, on the heels of

38:25

us just prancing all Jims. Yeah.

38:27

Pranks Jim ruined it for the good Jims. Yeah. Yeah,

38:31

I also left in Dayton, Ohio,

38:34

where I saw Dave Chappelle at the

38:36

skate park doing 360 flips. Oh. That's

38:39

the part of the story I tell the most, because he used

38:41

to be a little skinny skater

38:43

kid. And he sat at the bar and didn't watch any

38:45

of our shows. Oh. But he

38:47

was nice. He was

38:49

a child. He's tired of comedy. I knew

38:51

him from that

38:54

weed movie. Oh. Big

38:56

Taff. Big Taff. The

38:59

Big Taff. But I was doing

39:01

a thing to add

39:03

time to my act

39:05

where I drew pictures like

39:07

a Bob Ross thing. I had an easel and

39:10

I would do these

39:12

drawings that gradually became sexually

39:14

explicit. Unbeknownst to

39:17

me, it was my last episode of

39:19

my PBS show. I would wear

39:21

a curly wig. And it was

39:23

called the Imagination Station. And,

39:25

you know, pentagrams and sexual

39:28

things. Intuit with drawing

39:31

trickery. It was actually now looking back

39:33

more creative than things I do now.

39:35

Sure. But I needed an

39:37

easel. And I went to

39:39

an art instruction place and

39:42

said, may I borrow an easel? She said, well, we need

39:44

something of yours. And rather than

39:46

give my driver's license or something, somehow,

39:49

I don't know if it was her idea or mine,

39:51

I left one of my shoes. And

39:54

so I walked home with this easel. What? She's

39:57

like, well, you'll definitely come back for your shoe. And

39:59

I'm like, yeah. I kind of wish I had it

40:01

for the walk home. I had walked so I

40:03

walked back with this easel one shoe in a

40:05

sock and I

40:08

I never did your turn on

40:11

you back. Yes, of course I didn't

40:14

Flight but I woke up late and

40:17

left that shoe. Yeah, you did but

40:19

I did organize a easel drop-off. Oh

40:23

You you didn't keep the easel

40:26

I left it in the condo, but it

40:28

was safely brought back Nice, maybe

40:31

baby pie that there's a sweet man Jim that

40:33

I spoke ill of He

40:36

did it. I think he did it

40:38

for me, but he wouldn't take just one extra

40:40

moment to get your fucking shoe. I It

40:44

was that cross town We

40:47

it wasn't the day of Ubers and

40:49

easy ways to transport yourself Okay,

40:53

I was drunk. Yeah. Is that what you want to

40:55

hear? Yes, I was probably throwing up I knew I

40:57

had a flight the next day you stay up all

40:59

night and you drink your friend whiskey Probably

41:03

what exactly? Happens.

41:06

Yeah. Well at least you

41:08

organized something. Yeah, you got the

41:10

important part You didn't steal an easel for

41:12

no reason and leave it somewhere. No.

41:14

Yeah, that's good. I very

41:17

responsibly responsibly

41:20

extensively I'll

41:23

just get out here. Well Arranged

41:28

for it. Yes smart We're

41:32

on our way to My

41:35

our friend friend of the show David Hunts

41:37

burger lives just past

41:40

this Daunting

41:42

bridge. I'm not bridge. It's like

41:44

a It's

41:46

just walls. Oh, maybe

41:48

of some retaining walls that were built

41:50

to look like a bridge. Yes It's

41:52

very of course featured in the movie

41:54

Chinatown but I He

41:58

had a hernia surgery and he

42:00

needed and will

42:02

need help as

42:05

he recovers taking his children to school

42:08

and I literally just needed to

42:10

put them in and out of the car seat and we

42:13

it was so fun. Yeah

42:15

a little taste of what it's like to be

42:18

a dad. Just

42:20

that one tiny part. Yeah I need

42:24

and yeah it was a great it was

42:27

a great time. It's nice. Yeah it was

42:30

enjoyable. I may do it again. I mean

42:34

don't spoil them. No

42:36

no I've learned from

42:39

my years in daycare, serves

42:43

at daycare center next to my apartment. I had

42:45

a few hours a week. Really?

42:47

I did not spoil. There's no way

42:49

they would just let some rando

42:52

work at the daycare, would they? Yes.

42:56

I was friends with the owner. Jesus Christ.

42:58

I was great with those kids. Are you

43:00

kidding me? They individually

43:03

wrote me letters, pictures of me

43:05

driving to Texas to start my

43:07

comedy career. They had to.

43:09

It was the assignment.

43:12

Maybe their parents put them up to it. If you

43:14

think about it that way. Yeah did

43:16

I forget that at the beginning of the

43:18

day I said okay we're all gonna drop

43:20

pictures today to send me off to Texas.

43:22

Yep so all your well wishes

43:25

and nothing negative. They'd

43:27

say okay Chris with the mustache because that's what

43:29

they called me. So you'll go first old

43:31

man and you won't use your turn

43:33

signal. Too late! Yeah. Did you see you

43:35

turned it on halfway through? Oh wow enjoy

43:38

your senior year. I

43:42

bet you're not even graduating with that 3.5.

43:45

Yeah you're the only

43:47

graduating you're doing the cylinder

43:49

graduated cylinder in the

43:52

science class here. Let's

43:54

do it again. Okay thank you. You're

43:58

a full senior year. You'll only get a 3.5. Yeah,

44:02

yeah. You're not graduating. Cylinder

44:06

bit. Oh, yes. Unless

44:08

we're talking about a cylinder. Woo-hoo!

44:13

You'll never be graduated, unless we're talking

44:16

cylinders. There we go. There

44:18

it is. And you've been listening to Do

44:20

Need a Ride, C-Y-N-A-R.

44:25

Did we really just stop? Sure. Was

44:29

that a quick one? We're at 40 minutes.

44:32

Oh, damn it. That's all right. Well, that could be

44:34

the ending. It could be. But

44:36

good luck stitching anything

44:38

into the middle. Consider

44:40

this bonus content, since

44:43

we did just wrap. The credits have

44:45

rolled. Oh, okay, but now- Now we're

44:47

gonna play bloopers. This is a

44:49

post-show talk-down about what

44:52

didn't work. Yeah, yeah.

44:54

That definitely had the redoing of

44:56

jokes. Hilarious. It was a great

44:58

idea on paper. The whole time.

45:00

When we wrote it out. Let's

45:03

go left here. But there's

45:05

been times we've had like a

45:07

45 minute episode. Yeah,

45:11

that's true. No one's like, I want my money back. No,

45:13

I think most people are satisfied

45:16

if it's over 30 minutes and

45:18

happy if it's over 45. Right.

45:21

Although we have on average done

45:23

like hour, hour 10. Right?

45:26

Yeah. So- We've

45:28

given more than enough. And now-

45:30

Consistently. You're all giving us guff

45:33

for this maybe 45 second episode.

45:35

If you're lucky. This is just

45:38

a constant bitching about this

45:40

episode. Why do you keep going

45:42

on and on? We

45:44

read your email. We got your

45:47

tersely worded, long-handed

45:49

email. Regular

45:51

mail. Yeah. Sorry. Yes.

45:54

Take care. We've got your curtly or tersely.

45:59

Hand- Picture, you take care. We've

46:01

got your current leave, Tercely. Now

46:04

I want that on my desk in the morning. With

46:07

your badge. Take

46:09

four. I'm

46:11

too old for this shit. I'm too

46:13

old for this shit. Cut to me

46:15

on a toilet. With a long beard.

46:18

Isn't that what you said the night

46:20

that you dressed up like you were on a toilet?

46:22

On Halloween? I guarantee

46:25

I did. Because I always thought

46:27

it would be funny to cut,

46:30

like if you were doing pranks while filming

46:33

Lethal Weapon. If

46:35

during the iconic line

46:38

read, he was like, I'm getting

46:40

too old for this shit. If it showed him

46:42

then on that scene where he's stuck on the

46:44

toilet because it's got a bomb on it. Right.

46:49

Let me think. I

46:52

honestly think that I just did and have

46:54

been doing a Doug Benson joke because I

46:56

think he has a joke where he says,

46:58

I'm getting too old for this shit. And

47:01

he points down. It is the same. Oh, yeah. Okay. Sorry,

47:05

Doug. Props to Doug

47:07

Benson. Yeah.

47:11

Check's in the mail. Please

47:14

don't be litigious. Doesn't

47:17

it seem like there's no traffic anywhere and it's kind of

47:19

creepy? Yeah. Just

47:22

wide open roads? Yeah. Whenever

47:24

it feels like that, I'm like, should I be

47:26

listening to the radio? Yeah.

47:30

We've been told to stay indoors and

47:32

I'm just walking around whistling. Where's

47:34

Julia Roberts right now? Tell

47:37

me. Tell me everything you know, Julia.

47:41

She used to live somewhere near me in Venice.

47:45

She had big sunglasses, but she

47:47

has such a recognizable mouth that

47:49

I was like, that is Julia Roberts.

47:54

Life long famous person. Forever.

47:58

Did you ever see Mystic Pizza? Pizza.

48:02

Mystic Pizza Pizza. It

48:04

used to be called... where

48:08

are you pointing at? I was supposed to turn

48:10

down there. Oh, okay. But I was laughing. I

48:13

just did the pizza. It's okay. Who

48:15

is the actress in

48:17

that that is always good and has

48:19

an interesting voice? Hey.

48:23

She's the one that gets together with the

48:26

married man accidentally, right? Yes.

48:29

That is, I want to say...

48:31

Okay. It's

48:33

Anna Beth Gish. Her

48:35

grandmother or maybe great-grandmother

48:38

was Lillian Gish, one

48:40

of the first famous actresses

48:43

in Hollywood. I'm

48:45

thinking, and I love that history,

48:49

but I'm thinking of someone else in

48:51

Mystic Pizza. You're thinking of the one

48:53

that's all business short? Yes.

48:55

Badass? Yes. I like her in

48:57

everything. Yes. And Lily?

49:01

Yes. Lily. Yes. It's

49:05

Lily Lily. Lily. Oh,

49:08

I enjoy Lily. Lily,

49:12

who was also in Say Anything, she's the

49:14

woman that wrote 56 songs

49:16

about you. Yes. Stop yelling,

49:18

Tomlin. It is. Lily

49:21

blank. Lily one syllable.

49:23

Yes. I'm gonna look

49:25

it up. I mean, that's what it's resorted to,

49:27

you guys. This is a podcast where I

49:30

look at my phone. You might as well be

49:32

watching a movie with me because I'm going to IMDB. Lily

49:36

Taylor. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

49:38

I couldn't remember my own passcode and

49:40

it doesn't... My phone says there's

49:42

no way this is what you look like anymore. I

49:45

also was totally wrong. Oh, look

49:47

at giant skeletons. Yeah, you're around.

49:50

I was totally wrong about it being

49:52

one syllable. That hurts me. I was

49:55

just flat wrong about that. Right, right. You

49:57

don't care when the word itself isn't coming.

50:00

coming up, but when the rhythm of that

50:02

word is off. Then it means

50:04

I'm off. Right. I might

50:06

as well hang it up. Sir, please be careful on

50:08

the bird scooter. Yeah,

50:10

I almost feel like he,

50:12

because of that helmet, there

50:15

is so little confidence in his

50:17

bird scooter. What is happening, bird

50:19

scootering ability? We may have been

50:21

struck by an invisible laser.

50:24

Right, I think that's what happened, and it went

50:27

right to my frontal lobe, which

50:29

assembles words. Oh,

50:32

that fixer upper. What if it's our guest?

50:37

Not looking good. We'll

50:39

go up here? No. What? This

50:42

is an interesting episode where we're still recording,

50:44

and we are picking up the guest for

50:46

the next episode. This is like a perfect

50:48

teaser. Should we stop it and start again?

50:50

I think we should stop it and start

50:52

again. OK, this is where we cut together

50:54

my ending, where I end it for the

50:56

first time in 12 years. I love it.

50:58

I didn't know you've been wanting to. I

51:01

don't think I did want to, but

51:03

I did it. Because

51:06

I see an opportunity, and I'll fucking take

51:09

it. That's me. Yeah, and just

51:12

every part of me is itching to say,

51:14

you've been listening to D&D Arise, D-Y-N-A-R. Double

51:19

ending. Sorry. Yes. This

51:28

has been an Exactly Right

51:30

production. Produced by Annalise Nelson.

51:32

Mixed by Edson Choi. Our

51:35

talent booker is Patrick Kotner. Theme

51:37

song by Karen Kilgaris. Art work

51:39

by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the

51:42

show on Instagram, Twitter, and

51:44

Facebook at Dinar Podcasts. That's

51:46

D-Y-N-A-R podcast. For

51:48

more information, go to exactlyrightmedia.com.

51:50

Thank you. Thanks.

51:53

You're welcome.