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0:32

Yeah, it's lovely. It was

0:34

wonderful. I love my friends. I

0:37

got to go to another holiday house, hang out with them every

0:39

night while they were really loud and playing games. And then

0:41

I got to go home and not see any of those fucking people for months.

1:00

Dragon Friends must die. Dragon Friends must die. Dragon

1:02

Friends must die. Dragon Friends must die. Dragon Friends

1:04

must die. Dragon Friends must die. It

1:10

has been six

1:13

months since the city of Waterdeep freed

1:15

itself from the clutches of the false Duke Davon

1:17

Tyrell. Six months since

1:19

the cult of the Artificers

1:21

tried and failed to seize power.

1:23

And six months since the Dragon

1:25

Friends have returned at last

1:27

from their roundabout journeys through time and space

1:30

to the land from which they

1:32

came. You are home. You

1:35

are healthy. You are laden with

1:37

riches and magical items from shores

1:39

distant and terrible. And if

1:41

you wish it, you have at last

1:44

a chance for peace. The

1:47

city of splendors hums with renewal. It

1:50

is spring and the fires of last

1:52

autumn are a distant memory. In

1:55

the months that followed, there was much to do at first.

1:57

You've helped your patron Janice Mere reassert

2:00

his control over the city's underground. You've

2:03

said your goodbyes to this timeline's

2:05

version of terribly unqualified

2:07

dragon babies, and they've been sent to a basically,

2:10

I suppose, a kind of fantasy witness protection program

2:12

where they are narratively unimportant,

2:14

and we're just not going to think too hard about that. Oh.

2:19

So, the younger version. Janice

2:21

Meyer has sent them away where Freezo cannot

2:23

hurt them, basically. There's no such

2:25

place. Already even streaming?

2:30

Yeah, my dad has started a channel.

2:33

And as the seasons roll on, as

2:35

you reacquaint yourselves to city life, you

2:38

realize that it is good to be home for a while.

2:41

You see each other daily, reminiscing on your adventures.

2:44

And then weekly, and then less than weekly,

2:46

as the days and your obligations take hold and

2:48

soon, you realize that it has been

2:51

months

2:51

since the dragon friends

2:54

will last together. For

2:56

now, at last, you have

2:58

lives

2:59

and problems

3:00

of your own. So

3:02

we start, Simon, with you, with

3:04

Bobby Pancakes, the halfling rogue, and

3:07

what has become of Bobby? Bobby

3:10

has joined a...

3:14

Oh, this is very, okay, go on. Joined a... Not

3:16

many good sentences that start that way. Let

3:19

me start again. There is a community. That

3:23

lived down on the beach. You

3:26

can call them a commune, kind of an ashran.

3:29

They're dedicated to

3:32

exploring the spiritual, the metaphysical,

3:36

through different means, science, spirituality,

3:39

pharmacology. They're

3:43

looking at big questions, and they're

3:45

looking for answers. Is this a reference

3:47

to something specific that I don't get? Or

3:49

is this just a thing that people do sometimes? Well, I think Bobby's...

3:52

I mean, people do do this. Oh, my cousin,

3:54

for instance. But... People

3:57

do sometimes go outside, yes. Disgusting.

3:59

To the beach? Bobby's the

4:02

only one of the dragon friends who seems to

4:04

kind of need to grapple a little bit with what's happened

4:06

to him. I think

4:07

that there's like an inherent sort of amount

4:09

of trauma involved in time travel. So

4:12

can you like describe what kind

4:14

of beach community is? Is it sort of like we

4:16

listen to a lot of Ben Harper and the innocent criminals?

4:19

You know? Is it like... Or is it like Florida?

4:22

It's a mixture of... There's two types

4:24

of beach. It's a mixture of a bunch

4:26

of guys in a shack building

4:28

a device to travel to another place. Wonderful. Okay.

4:30

So why don't we start... But also...

4:32

A lot of Ultimate Frisbee. Why

4:35

don't we start in that shack? So somewhere

4:37

on the beach of Deepwater Harbour, Bobby,

4:39

you're there with a couple of other members of your community?

4:42

Yep. And what are you up to on this

4:44

fine spring evening? Well,

4:47

everyone's kind of like tinkering

4:49

with sort of like wires

4:52

and crystals and also taking mushrooms.

4:56

Okay. And

5:00

I guess Bobby is just

5:02

like really, really into it. Just being like,

5:04

yep, we just got to get in the right mind

5:06

space. Focus these crystals.

5:09

Focus our mind. Is there a guru

5:12

that's leading this? Is Bobby the guru? How does this work? I

5:14

mean, yeah, I think it's a group that's come together. I think there's probably

5:16

like whatever the equivalent of a fantasy

5:19

scientist is. So I guess like some sort of wizard.

5:22

Hello! Is this what you were imagining?

5:24

Or what you said he. I knew that to the voice that was going to

5:26

happen. It's one of two voices I do, Simon.

5:29

And I love it. It's this or

5:31

this. Wait. First

5:33

one, please. Okay.

5:35

Now, with these crystals

5:37

that you're trying to focus on,

5:39

it's very important. Have you stopped eating

5:41

those mushrooms? Those are

5:43

psychedelic. What? How

5:45

many are you supposed to have? I don't know, like

5:48

one. See how you go. Maybe take another one. Oh,

5:51

man. How

5:53

many have you had? Seven. Wank,

5:56

wank. Say, the duck said

5:58

it was fine. I'm a talker. You're a

6:00

talking duck. You're

6:02

a talking duck. And only Bobby

6:05

can see me, isn't that right, Bobby?

6:08

Bobby, what are you looking at? Francis.

6:11

What Francis? What? That's just a bucket.

6:14

Hey. That's

6:16

the bucket we piss in. What

6:19

do you think it is? I think it's a talking duck or

6:21

Francis who has got a real sexy voice.

6:23

Come and give me a smooch.

6:26

Not sexy words, just a sexy voice. Bobby,

6:29

no! Why are you

6:30

kissing the bucket? Stop kissing the bucket

6:32

full of piss! Your

6:35

eyes swim... This is what you want to do? This

6:38

is what I want. This is what's important.

6:42

Your eyes swim for a second as you ask yourself, not for the first time in the last six months,

6:44

what it is exactly that you are doing here,

6:46

what answers you have tried to seek, and

6:48

as your eyes swim, you suddenly feel

6:50

what feels like a sharp pain in your

6:52

chest. Oh no, this is how it is! At

6:56

your jerkin and you feel something...

6:59

Wait, I'm a jerkin? You

7:01

know what a jerkin is. A jerkin, it's

7:03

like a shirt... How would

7:05

I possibly know? It's a leather shirt

7:07

and inside it you can... Why would I be wearing a leather

7:09

shirt at the beach? You can

7:11

feel something... Isn't it jerkin fake pubes?

7:13

What? That's a merkin. It's

7:16

a merkin, sorry. No, a jerkin is

7:18

like a cucumber you've left in brine for

7:20

a while.

7:24

It's very funny every time you hear a rap song, you're like, I

7:27

never realised those two words rhyme before, but... Jerkin

7:29

and merkin is something that I have never heard

7:31

in any... Honestly, in a lot of the promo material

7:33

of Dragon Friends, it always says, Grab

7:36

your jerkin! And I'm like, Dave, we should not be putting that on the...

7:39

Anyway, turns out... Inside

7:42

your jerkin you can feel something hard and... Just

7:47

fucking grow up! It's been

7:49

three months! What you guys don't know is this

7:51

is tightly scripted. And

7:54

you pull out a maroon

7:56

card that you had forgotten until this moment was

7:58

there, and it is... It is embossed with

8:01

the guilted logo of

8:03

the Waterdeep post office. And

8:06

it has your name, Bobby. And it says something

8:08

that you had seen this morning and forgotten in all the mushrooms

8:10

that you've taken, that there is a package waiting

8:12

for you. Guys.

8:16

You talking to the duck and the wizard?

8:18

Francis, the wizard. Yes.

8:22

I gotta go to the realm

8:25

of the post office. Far

8:28

out, dude. That sounds psycho.

8:33

I'll let you know when I get back, baby. Miss

8:36

you. And I

8:38

just stand up and look up to

8:41

the ceiling of the shack and just go like, as if I'm

8:43

about to take off and fly

8:45

through the ceiling. But I am just standing there.

8:48

Bobby!

8:49

Bobby! Are you... Oh, he's stuck

8:51

like that. Okay. What

8:53

do you want to do, bucket of piss? I

8:55

don't know. Let's take one of these mushrooms and see what happens.

8:58

And even as our sort

9:01

of camera telescopes out and reaches another

9:03

part of Waterdeep, we fly down

9:06

to a small... Holy shit, you say camera? Is this

9:08

all a film? I mean, I think of it as a film

9:10

sometimes. It's a bit cinematic for me. Oh,

9:13

cool. But imagine that that camera slowly scopes

9:15

in and discovers revealing, as it

9:17

were. I just had a vision of the cameras

9:19

in the world, but then I just imagined somebody pointing

9:21

Dave's head at everything.

9:22

I'm just nodding

9:25

going, yes! My eyes see all... A

9:27

small house somewhere in the trades quarter.

9:30

A house owned, or at least

9:32

currently occupied, by a half-orc, a half-orc

9:34

who has traveled far and wide, who has found

9:36

family, returned to her at last. The half-orc

9:38

barbarian, Filge. And what

9:40

has become of Filge?

9:43

Filge has... Is

9:46

in a relationship. She's

9:48

living with someone who they

9:51

are in love. It's not backnotes,

9:53

Dad, is it? No, it's just a regular, water-deep person. I

9:56

haven't thought anything about their identity.

9:59

Do we roll a dice to see what sort of race

10:02

they are? What? That's the first

10:04

thing you think of. Just say that you

10:06

choose your girlfriend's hair. Yeah,

10:09

what do you mean? You roll a dice, you find out what...

10:11

I meant like... Obviously

10:14

I meant like one of the ones we can do, like Spanish or

10:16

Italian.

10:19

I'm not going to say Chinese or, you know,

10:21

Indian or something. Although, Tom, if you want to

10:23

do the voice, you know. Tom, you haven't eaten

10:25

that bowel bun that you've been offering the other season.

10:28

What is it? Why you stand over the window looking inside?

10:32

Come back to bed. Oh,

10:35

Jermaine, me would. But

10:41

your two kids are both

10:43

jumping on my head right now. And

10:46

me love them. Jermaine's

10:50

two children, Bango and Ipswich, are

10:54

both in the room. Of course, they love

10:56

you. They just want to be close to you. Boys,

10:58

boys, come down. We love you, Mama. Don't,

11:00

well, just... Ah, little Bango. Just call

11:02

me Filch. Thanks makes me feel weird. Mama Filch. Filch

11:05

is fine. Not a Filch. Oh,

11:08

no. Bango, Ipswich is a very

11:10

serious young boy. Ipswich, Bango, come down.

11:12

Put on your three-piece suit and show them the little

11:14

dance you do for Filch. This is

11:16

the tango between brothers. They

11:19

make this dance for you. I saw them

11:20

practicing. Oh, well, I'd love to hear the music.

11:25

Put this rose in my mouth. And

11:30

as the two small, I want to say...

11:33

Was that a lift? That

11:36

sounded like a lift. Yeah, I was a lift and then I'm a sweat.

11:39

I like that. Usually you would improvise a song here,

11:41

but this is better if you just hear the dance. Yeah,

11:43

I'm imagining the cameras again. We don't

11:45

need to say anything. How many days head

11:47

do we have on this scene? Is it a high expensive one? Yeah,

11:50

a perverts amount of heads. Big

11:52

finish. Now we're doing dirty dancing.

11:55

Lift me. Lift me. BORN!

12:01

Very good. And in the silence, it

12:03

is impossible to escape the feeling,

12:06

Philge, that they're waiting for you to

12:08

applaud. Ha!

12:10

Ha! Ha! Mother, what

12:13

do you think of our beautiful seductive

12:16

dance? Oh, you bo- Between brothers!

12:19

It's very hard to do for us, because as

12:21

you know, our race is a mermaid. Ha!

12:23

Ha! No, that's right. Bingo,

12:26

Ipswich and Jermaine are all mermaids.

12:28

They are. Uh, they're

12:32

on little

12:32

clawed barbs with wheels, and they're sort

12:34

of moving around. And Jermaine

12:37

is like luxurious, just in a bucket in the corner

12:39

of the room, on a revolving heart-shaped

12:41

bed.

12:42

Is the bucket the leitmotif of the dragon

12:44

friends this season? Yeah, there's gonna be a bucket

12:46

in each of these scenes. Okay, great. Oh,

12:49

Jermaine, your boys, they're so- I

12:51

never knew such sons

12:53

with such a close

12:55

connection. Uh,

12:58

it's- You hate this!

13:03

Uh, so,

13:04

me thinking that

13:07

maybe you want to take boys to

13:09

museum today, and Philge just have some Philge

13:11

time? Of course. Of course, the

13:13

boys

13:13

would love to see the museum. Boys, would

13:16

you like to learn something today? Oh, I would love

13:18

to see a dinosaur. I

13:20

would like to put my hand on one of those balls

13:23

with lightning in the middle. Oh, wow. It

13:25

makes me feel alive. Eebs, which

13:27

is a little bit weird, isn't he? Okay,

13:29

boys- I wonder if it's just hands, or if I could record other

13:32

things on the ball. We will find

13:34

out soon. Boys, boys, get your coats and go. I

13:36

will see you soon, my love.

13:37

Okay, take your time. Oh, well,

13:40

but I forgot, sorry, and he reaches into

13:42

his

13:42

pants? Yeah, well, no, not really pants. I think

13:45

he has like an apron with one pocket. Like

13:47

an apron with a pocket. Okay, seductive.

13:50

There's a lid that I found outside for you. Maybe

13:53

you read while I'm going. Oh, he's so wet. Doesn't

13:55

hand, puts it in her mouth. It's

13:58

a very wet maroon. card and

14:00

it drapes over Phil's chin and

14:02

sticks to

14:03

it immediately and you can see slowly

14:06

peeling off the gilted logo of the

14:08

Waterdeep post office

14:09

a package has been delivered for you. Okay

14:12

well me gonna have to go to the post office

14:14

today. And meanwhile picture if you can

14:17

as two very seductive boys wheel

14:21

their father's bucket out of the house

14:23

as the camera. Please

14:27

we have become so attached to you since our mother

14:30

was killed by that fisherman and now

14:33

you are all we have. Just too much plot backstory

14:36

so the camera is moving really fast now. And

14:38

the camera zooms in on a dark island

14:41

where the rain is pouring down a fisherman's

14:43

stand keeps going and it keeps moving

14:45

and it keeps moving and it goes back all

14:47

the way off. Will you find this

14:50

fisherman? And it's gone the camera's gone

14:52

we moved on. If I go to

14:53

the post office I would.

14:56

And the camera slowly drops and

14:58

then alights on a wire and it

15:01

reveals a beautiful new

15:05

bakery standing wedged

15:07

between a hardware store and a tasteful

15:09

upmarket brothel somewhere in the

15:11

caravan district. The smell

15:14

of sawdust in the air and a sauce.

15:17

There's a great

15:19

fire of Gabastraff the dragon is behind us

15:21

and the city is being revitalized in spring

15:24

and you can see that there is a wooden

15:26

marquee of a high elf

15:29

in a baker's outfit holding a sign that

15:31

says Frizo's bakery inquire

15:33

within there may be bread. And Frizo's

15:38

inside talking to one of the bakery

15:41

assistants and he's like um yeah

15:43

look we had the sign made and obviously I'm not

15:45

a high elf anymore but I just figured that the

15:47

high elf thing's gonna sell a bit more in this market you

15:50

know you gotta like pretend like

15:52

it's not like because I used to be a high

15:54

elf you see and so that's why I can put

15:56

it on the sign. Why aren't you a high elf anymore?

15:59

It would take about eight seasons to

16:01

explain. But the important thing is like,

16:03

I know nowadays you've got to be culturally sensitive and stuff. I

16:06

just, I can make those jokes about high elves and stuff. Cause I used to be

16:08

one. So I can't. No, you're

16:10

a frog. Only

16:13

I

16:14

can say that. And just also

16:16

a frog sized frog on the bar. So when

16:18

you say an assistant, you mean a frog that lives in the

16:20

bakery. Talking

16:21

frog. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ah,

16:24

someone's here. Let me get it. Flump,

16:26

flump, flump, flump.

16:27

Hi there. I was looking

16:29

for something like, oh, sorry, actually I should, I suppose do you

16:32

have bread? Ah. Yeah,

16:34

no, we're working on it. We're working on it. Oh

16:36

great, great. Good. I was actually going

16:38

to need this in about six to eight months anyway. So that's. Yeah,

16:41

great. So what's your name? Sorry. My

16:43

name. Yeah. Pemberton Matthews.

16:46

Pemberton. Pemberton P-E. or

16:48

last name? First name. Pemberton Matthews has got

16:50

a hyphen in it. Oh man. Wait, are you Dimmedon's brother?

16:53

Are you Dimmedon's brother? Could be.

16:55

And what's your last name? Pemberton Matthews is the first

16:57

name. What's your last name? Bach. Bach.

16:59

Pemberton Matthews Bach. I'm looking for like, it's

17:02

like a baguette, but with a. Sure,

17:04

we could do a baguette. No, no, I'm not done. Not actually

17:06

finished baguette with a bread of a croissant.

17:10

You

17:11

want, so what you're after. Someone's just come

17:13

back from an overseas trip. And

17:15

I want a spaghetti in it. So wait, do

17:17

you want a, do you want

17:19

like a croissant that is straight?

17:21

Absolutely not. I don't want a croissant. I

17:24

don't, if you show me a croissant, I'm going

17:26

to freak the fuck out. Okay.

17:29

So what do you want? I want

17:31

a baguette with the, with the bread

17:33

is the material of a croissant. Do you want to just chop

17:35

a bunch of croissants and then put them in a.

17:40

Tell me to just say that. Tell me he's not. I

17:44

mean, he calls

17:46

himself a baker, but I haven't seen him

17:48

bake a single thing. You actually bake a man.

17:50

Are you a baker? You're just fucking with everyone

17:53

who wants to come in here and get bread, man. I'm

17:55

not the only, the only freezer. He's the high elf. I'm

17:57

just a Chinese man.

17:59

looking to make its way in this world.

18:01

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! The door opens again. Oh,

18:03

hello, Fraser, bloody how you doing? Oh! And

18:06

it walks in a sort of old kind of sort of, I

18:08

would say late 70s wizard in

18:11

a sort of threadbare black robe

18:13

with what looks like they were once quite impressive warlock

18:16

sigils, but they're all really sort of old

18:18

and shitty and threadbare. He's got this big staff

18:20

and terrible beard. What's his

18:22

name? His name is Corbin VI,

18:24

Corbin VI of the Tower Blackstaff.

18:26

Blackstaff, all right. Oh, Corbin, how are you?

18:29

Oh, bloody hello, how are you doing, Frieso?

18:31

Uh, yep, sorry, he gets confused very often. This

18:34

is Frieso. He's my best friend since

18:36

I moved here six months ago, took over

18:38

the black tower. Let me tell you, he makes

18:40

a mighty fine baguette. And get

18:42

this, the inside is full of croissants.

18:45

What? I know you

18:47

got one, dude. Just the usual. Just

18:49

give it to me and I'll leave, all right? I

18:52

told you, just come back in six to eight months, I've written your

18:54

name down in the book, and you'll have to come back. The usual.

18:57

Okay! Cool, thanks, Fries. No

19:00

worries. And what is, that's, the usual

19:02

is a- A very hot coffee,

19:04

and a lot of people don't make them hot enough. Very hot

19:07

coffee. Very hot? Yep, okay,

19:09

and that is- A hazelnut, some of them are just a, I want half.

19:12

You take the little dripper, and you

19:14

put it in, and then you put half- Half a squeeze

19:16

of hazelnut. Half of a squeeze of hazelnut in, and then the rest goes

19:18

back in the dripper, okay? Okay, and then, and

19:20

if there's something you do with the

19:23

milk, it's not regular milk. What do you want?

19:25

No, it's not regular milk, is it? It's orifice had a frog in it.

19:28

That's right, you put the milk in the frog

19:30

bucket, the frog sits in the bucket for a day,

19:32

and then that's the milk. There's a master-

19:34

Have you got my milk for me, Jeremy? You've just been working on it, it's

19:36

over here. Huge line. Can we

19:38

get a frog milk latte with half a hazelnut, please?

19:41

Another frog has to use the espresso machine, and he's

19:44

like clambering it up it. And like, putting his

19:46

big sticky wet hand on it, and trying to like,

19:48

turn it very slowly to get it-

19:50

Lily of the Marsh, wonderful stuff, Fries. Before

19:53

I forget, I've got some business in

19:55

Thay. I was wondering if you could look after me. Front

19:57

plants, you know my front

19:58

plants? Front plants,

20:00

like is it? My front plants, not the upstairs plants, the front

20:02

plants. In the front garden? No, no, no,

20:05

those are my garden plants. Okay. The

20:07

front plants. Are they the hydrangeas? The hyacinth.

20:10

The hyacinth, the hyacinth. Freeze, freeze, freeze, pay attention, all right?

20:12

Okay, sure, I can do that. Doctor?

20:15

I mean wizard? Let me give you a key.

20:17

Now whatever you do, make sure you just use

20:18

this key. We've rotated it three times, no

20:20

more than three times, and don't go upstairs. I've got a lot

20:23

of potent,

20:23

magical defences in the old Blackstaff Tower, right?

20:26

Oh Dave. Oh Dave. I

20:28

mean yes, yes of course. You call me, who's Dave? Nothing,

20:30

sorry, that was hing talking. What are you talking about? That was hing

20:32

talking. Is he Dave? What are you talking

20:34

about? Me? I was, bread's, bread's done.

20:37

I'll go back to the back now. That's Dave.

20:41

That's Dave, thanks Dave. That

20:43

guy works for you? Yeah, he's a virgin. Yeah,

20:45

if you want, anyone want to? He seems like

20:47

a nice guy. I don't know why you're all so

20:49

mean to him.

20:52

He seems like he's doing

20:54

his best. Yeah, what's up guys? I love you guys.

20:56

Oh Dave. Yeah.

20:59

Had sex with anyone lately? Not

21:02

lately. You know

21:04

I haven't. But

21:06

I'd really like to. Also can you stop

21:09

fucking the croissant baguettes because we're running

21:11

out to sell people. Absolutely

21:13

not. Alright freeze, freeze, freeze. I've got to piss off to Thay. Alright

21:17

thanks, here's the key. I'm going to take my frog juice.

21:20

Thank you for the key. And I'm going to take this

21:22

baguette. You know what?

21:24

If I had a son that was like you,

21:26

I would know who to give my vast and potent

21:28

riches to but I don't

21:30

so I guess that's on me. Anyway goodbye. As

21:34

he leaves, can Freeza poison his coffee or is

21:36

that bad? What?

21:38

Is that bad? Like can I curse his frog? You

21:40

want to poison the incidental character's

21:43

coffee. Why just think if he dies I go to that

21:45

stuff. But isn't

21:45

he also going away? Do

21:48

you need to kill him? Make for me a

21:50

stealth check. I want an unnecessary question

21:52

Alex.

21:54

This is a pose by the plot for pretty boring up. 18 plus

22:00

one day, plus self? That's the three. All

22:02

right, I got my frog juice once again. And he picks it

22:04

up and he's about to sip it and he stirs and he looks and he goes, like

22:07

I said, you're like a son to me. And when I get

22:09

back, I want to have a conversation about my inheritance.

22:12

And then I've got a will and I think I'm going to

22:14

change it, but I can't do it till I get back. Cause my lawyer, it's

22:16

a big fucking hoo-ha. And he drinks the coffee

22:19

and he's like, so we'll talk in about two weeks.

22:21

I love you. Can I say that? Is it weird? I know you're

22:23

not my son yet, but I love you. I fucking love

22:25

you, freezo, because you never let

22:27

me down. And Dave, there is too much backstory

22:29

in this scene and we simply must cut away. We do.

22:33

But the camera is already spiraling, spiraling

22:35

out. And as it's spiraling out, it catches

22:37

a postman heading towards with a little red

22:40

card, his pocket doubtless to give to freezo,

22:42

some sort of package from the Waterdeep Post Office

22:44

Society, which is a weird name

22:46

for a post office, but that's what I said.

22:48

And moving into the castle

22:50

ward, the richest side of town, right up

22:53

high and near the mountain that forms the summit

22:55

to the north of the city, we

22:57

see a market square. And in

22:59

the center of that market square, someone has taken pains to erect

23:02

a small stage. And

23:04

standing on that stage is a turtle, dressed

23:07

in the old Ashanka hat of an old Barovian

23:09

war hero, doubtless died centuries

23:11

ago, a time traveler. Someone

23:14

who should not be in this town, but his, or

23:16

indeed this time, but has found his way here,

23:18

has been abandoned by his new friends to a new

23:20

career. And what is that new career? He's

23:23

a holograph influencer. He's

23:26

a what? He's an influencer. No, it's not what

23:28

you said. Yeah, so holograph is like,

23:31

you put holographs up and people can like

23:33

check other people's holographs. Oh, sure. Is

23:35

this a fantasy concept? Yeah, for sure. Yeah,

23:37

I don't know. Fuck, what? Okay, what's the better fantasy

23:40

one?

23:40

Like a... Ghost? Yeah,

23:43

ghost, all right. It's a ghost influencer. He's

23:45

a medium. We call them ghost

23:47

influencers. Yeah. You put up a ghost.

23:50

Yeah. The ghost tells you about a product. So what happens

23:53

is, you do this spell, you prick

23:55

your finger, and it creates another version of you. And

23:58

you do like your video or whatever, you do your dance.

23:59

like you whip it and you nay nay and it kills that

24:02

version of you the second version and

24:04

that's a ghost that replays over

24:06

and over again. It's the prestige. It's a

24:08

prestige but it's TikTok with the prestige.

24:10

And how's it go- how- how is this- They

24:12

kill them every time they need to make a video. Yeah so it's

24:14

basically if every video is a dead sold version.

24:17

Tom, sorry, just before we go, can I ask, are you okay? Like how's Tom

24:19

going? Is Tom Cartier okay? I just want to play Dungeons

24:21

and Dragons with my new friends. Old friends. I know

24:23

you- I've known him.

24:25

Just- cause it just feels like,

24:28

you know, in the last couple of years obviously you've become quite

24:30

big on TikTok and you've had to do

24:32

a lot of like, you know, content machine

24:35

stuff or you've had to put out a lot of stuff a lot,

24:37

you know, to- Just like, just churning crap out. Churning

24:39

stuff out. It just feels like now when

24:41

we're kind of making a fun world for us all to live in right

24:43

now you've invented some sort of social media

24:46

in the

24:46

sort of mystical ages of favor. Well I wonder

24:48

if he is having some dilemmas about this because I think

24:50

Logan's talking to his agent Who's-

24:53

see there you go, don't have an agent. So So

24:56

it's not- so in many ways Logan is kicking goals in

24:58

his career.

24:59

Do you feel like a part of- Do

25:02

you feel like a part of your dies every time you put

25:04

up a TikTok? That's

25:07

what I was getting at. That's what

25:09

I was getting at, right? Thank you

25:11

Alex, thank you for asking. This could be a good Black

25:13

Mirror episode. I don't know why I'm wasting this incredible backstory

25:15

of you guys. Loki baby! Hey

25:17

Marisa. I need you to stop

25:20

having these ethical dilemmas about the ghost versions

25:22

of yourself dying. Your last

25:25

ghost-

25:26

Ghosty, is that what they're called? Yeah.

25:29

I don't know, I'm 55. And

25:31

yet

25:31

you're the best at this. I told you I wanted you to get into show

25:33

business. Not what I meant, but you know, I'm cool.

25:36

I'm rolling with it. Your last ghosty

25:38

got viewed by 700 people. I

25:41

know, I just- yeah. And

25:43

this thing he's going to do, it's gonna help us sell carts,

25:46

is it? I've rented out

25:48

this stage in the market and it's costing me a pretty

25:50

penny. I just don't want to do, you know, ghosties

25:52

with products in the middle. Well

25:56

these carts won't sell themselves, so if you're a friend here- I'm

25:58

literally killing myself every time. I do

26:00

a ghosty with a card or a shoe. It's

26:04

a good sponsor. This cart,

26:07

come on, you gotta have a funny little song about a

26:09

cart. We're also selling

26:11

buckets too. Could you wear the bucket? Can

26:14

I just? Yeah, and I've got actually, yeah,

26:16

if you can wear the bucket and also

26:19

can you mention just casually

26:22

that you like to eat at Freeza's Bakery?

26:24

I'm not saying any of that. Because it's a great

26:26

sponsor. Marissa, I don't wanna

26:29

be here, okay? I don't wanna be with these people.

26:31

I don't like, it makes me uncomfortable and

26:33

I'd rather just be at home,

26:35

not killing myself over and over. Oh,

26:38

we'd all love to be at home not killing

26:40

ourselves but it's called making

26:42

a living.

26:45

Marissa. Plus you live with me. Yeah,

26:47

and actually, there's a few things I've got to say. I

26:49

feel like the rent split that we've got is not

26:51

really fair because I'm five times your size and

26:54

I live in a broom closet.

26:56

Yet I pay five times

26:58

the rent, so. Marissa,

27:01

hey, so I've got your frog latte here from

27:03

Freeza's Bakery that you wanted. Oh. Got it.

27:05

And, sorry Logan, I forgot what you wanted. What was your

27:07

order? Anything. I

27:10

haven't eaten for two days. I haven't eaten for two days.

27:13

I have a baguette

27:15

but it's got a weird hole in the back. Oh, sounds

27:18

yum.

27:19

I think they've got custard in it. Maybe,

27:21

I don't know. That's fine. Would you like

27:23

me to bite her while looking at you right now? Was

27:26

that your intention? You want me to eat it?

27:28

I mean, if you'd like to, it's just a, I think it's

27:30

like some sort of baguette, croissantie. Hey,

27:32

mister. And there's a little street urchin. She's like, you

27:34

Logan the age. Oh yeah, yeah, I am actually.

27:37

I've got, I got paid a shiny copper piece

27:39

to deliver this for you. He hands you a little maroon

27:41

card. Great. There's a package delivered,

27:43

but it was from the post office and they said

27:45

you've got to come right now. You got to drop whatever you're

27:47

doing, throw away whatever burgeoning career you have

27:50

and come and get this package. Yep.

27:53

Dave, weren't we fucking around too much? So you just sent an

27:55

orphan to do the job. Or orphans all over

27:57

the city, mate. And they are going

27:59

to get.

27:59

you to the fucking plot if they have to

28:02

die doing it. My little birds.

28:04

By the way I'm a mouse. Oh.

28:07

Yeah. I'm

28:10

her assistant and I'm a cat. Alright.

28:13

So it's different in fantasy. And I'm

28:15

a boyfriend and I'm a human

28:17

man. And that's

28:19

fine. It's fine. Alright Melissa.

28:22

Whatever. I've got enough ghosts for the

28:24

next year. Here you go. Just take them,

28:26

do them whenever you want. I'm out. Whatever's

28:30

going on here is a hell of a lot better. You

28:35

stupid cat and mouse bullshit. I don't

28:37

like working for you. That's my girlfriend. Fuck

28:39

you man. Okay. I don't bring

28:41

my... And your assistant. Me. I

28:44

said you before. Yeah. Yeah.

28:47

We're all in a polycule and you judging us. Yeah.

28:50

In our house. You're living with a polycule. Makes

28:52

us feel weird. I just feel I'm... It's probably best

28:54

if you go. I said I was leaving. Don't

28:56

think this... Don't be in the position of a

28:58

mouse. You realize that they're all looking

29:00

at you and it's probably time for you to

29:03

go. We're gonna have sex now. And

29:05

I'm gonna drink the milk you left in the fridge. Oh,

29:07

fine. Give us

29:09

our ring back that we gave you. As

29:12

Logan the Huge leaves

29:16

the square, we wait for the camera to

29:18

spin up again but it doesn't. Instead it follows him.

29:21

And it follows him as he walks out of the castle ward

29:23

past the market squares and down to the eastern

29:25

side of the city where the water deep post

29:28

office is where fate has come a calling

29:30

for four that have not seen each

29:32

other for months now. Four that

29:34

once traveled together for adventures and perhaps

29:37

may travel together again. And

29:39

four who for the first time in

29:41

their adventures have achieved

29:44

the giddy heights. So

29:46

you've all 10. Congratulations.

29:49

Because you all

29:52

level up. And can I

29:54

say that as a Dungeon Master

29:57

I have never played D&D at this

29:59

level or done.

29:59

Dungeon Master, dear, dear, this level, so I'm very

30:02

excited to see you play. You've never been to level 10 before? No, I've never

30:04

been to level 10. Dude, you got 75 hit points! Oh my god,

30:06

I got 30 feet walking speed!

30:08

That's right. Oh shit, 95! So

30:10

you got new spells. I'm gonna throw myself off a cliff

30:12

just to see what happens. Yeah,

30:15

so very, very quickly, like, Logan can summon the trees to

30:17

fight for him now. You have the wisdom and

30:19

power of the forests themselves. Bobby

30:22

Pancakes, you have your second level of Bard, you are a jack of

30:24

all trades. All skills are known

30:26

to you. You have reached level 10,

30:29

you now have not only your savage criticals, but your

30:31

intimidating presence, which means that you can

30:34

scare people just by being there. Freezo,

30:36

you did your own leveling up, as I understand.

30:39

Yes

30:39

I did, Dave. I googled Warlock Tier List,

30:43

and I've got some fifth level spells that I'm very

30:45

interested to

30:46

use. Okay.

30:49

If you're listening to this podcast, you must

30:52

recognize the value of asking questions. At

30:55

Aramco, our questions help us engineer

30:57

a better future. How can today's

30:59

resources fuel our shared tomorrow?

31:02

How can we deliver energy to a world

31:04

that can't stop? How can we deliver

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one of the fuels of the future? How can

31:09

we sow curiosity to harvest

31:11

ingenuity? To learn more

31:13

about how innovation drives us forward, visit

31:16

aramco.com slash poweredbyhow.

31:22

Well, we'll see how that goes, but... I've

31:25

got something called innovation, and I think it's kind of weird

31:27

tentacles that really fuck shit up, so... Okay. Alright.

31:30

Did you type in, like, Apple finds tentacles, and

31:32

then just find any spell that had tentacles

31:35

in it on the site? Um, yeah, no, I reverse

31:37

image searched me looking happy, and this

31:40

is what came up. Hey,

31:42

I don't have any new spells! No, well you

31:45

don't have... you're a barbarian! Fuck.

31:48

You're a barbarian!

31:49

What do you want me... you have eight intelligence! I

31:52

think it's remarkable that you have three spells!

31:55

That's... that's too many spells

31:57

for a barbarian! Give her a new spell, Dave.

31:59

I just, I'm gonna, I- Do you want a

32:01

new spell? What if I give up mindless rage

32:03

or something? If you give up mindless rage, you

32:05

can have another level one spell. No, Dave,

32:07

give her a dip in the bag. What?

32:09

Dip in the bag. No, no, no, you've wasted

32:12

enough time. We only, no, don't

32:14

do that, no, no. People were chanting dip

32:16

in the bag. Dip in the bag. No,

32:19

no, just, just bomb a, just bomb

32:21

a red spell. I will, I will at some

32:23

point in the next two episodes, I will give you a dip in the

32:25

bag, but you're going to lose. Imagine

32:28

if that channigan turned into it. Disney

32:31

style song. But you're going to lose,

32:33

um, prove critical, did you say?

32:35

Something, I haven't read them yet. I'll choose one

32:37

which looks the hardest and I'll turf that one.

32:39

Give up your walking speed. Yeah.

32:48

Yeah. That's a good D&D joke. She

32:53

sat down and never got up again. Just

32:57

like scary. We can build around it. Carry her

32:59

around on a palanquin, you know? Yeah.

33:02

What about that for a D&D show where everyone has like one of the

33:04

basic things, but everyone has a different like absolute

33:07

lack of one very, very basic thing, but

33:09

they're maxed out in something else. So like, yeah,

33:11

you, you, you have all the spells in the game, but no

33:13

hit points. Yeah, absolutely. Glass cannon. That's

33:16

what we call a free song. All

33:18

right. You make your way to the Waterdeep

33:20

post office and old, uh, beautiful

33:23

stone colonnade building in the caravan

33:26

district. One that you had no reason to be to, or

33:28

you do not know that many people in this timeline,

33:31

who would send mail

33:33

to adventurers such as

33:35

you. And as the four of you

33:37

arrive at the post office, you see each

33:39

other for the first time, sheepishly almost,

33:42

because it has been so long.

33:43

The relationship has been so neglected, but you are all

33:45

now gathering outside the post office.

33:48

It's Freezo, you were the last to arrive. Oh,

33:50

hey guys, um, Bobby.

33:54

I want to say total. It's Logan. Logan?

33:57

All right, so it's kind of like this. Oh

34:00

no! I wanna see... Oh what? Bobby White,

34:02

Spanish, Italian. I wanna see... I wanna see... Philge!

34:06

Philge! How's it going? Oh

34:08

yeah! How are things going with Jermaine? Oh...

34:11

And those boys? Yeah, they are

34:13

sensual young lads. Uh... Yeah

34:18

man, we meant to get... meant

34:20

to come by for that coffee like you suggested.

34:23

But it's been crazy at home. The bag

34:25

is going so well. He's it? Yeah,

34:27

I've got a dad now. Well for the next 18

34:31

minutes I've got a dad. Okay. Yeah

34:33

well I got two sons. I

34:36

got responsibilities. You

34:38

seem happy about this. Yeah, no it's so

34:40

good just to be normal and just have

34:42

nice happy life. Nothing

34:44

happens. Yeah same with

34:45

me. I got a friend called Francis. Totally

34:48

normal. Why are your eyes so big dude?

34:51

Why is your head so long and

34:54

small at the same time?

34:55

Why? Yeah, I meant to say you...

34:58

Is that lots of shells in the

35:00

beard that you've now grown? Dude,

35:03

are you vibrating? Look,

35:06

whoever said those colours to me right now better

35:08

repeat themselves because I didn't understand them. Okay,

35:11

I think you should take a valium and drink a large glass

35:13

of orange juice.

35:15

That's a joke for people who've had a bad day. Hello!

35:18

Hello! And there's a cave.

35:21

Is that another orphan

35:21

day? No, no this is what looks

35:24

like an

35:26

Asamar lady in a blue uniform

35:28

blonde hair, high peaked colour

35:31

and the brass medallion

35:34

and embroidery of the Waterdabian post

35:36

office service. That music stand is talking

35:39

to us. Sorry,

35:41

it's just you're sort of blocking the traffic

35:43

here. Do you have any business with the post office? I'm

35:46

going to pick up a parcel please. Yeah me

35:48

too. Me too. I got one as well.

35:51

Can I see the cards? There you go. Oh interesting.

35:54

Oh yes, no I will. Well this is interesting.

35:56

We do. I was home when they delivered that. You

35:58

know what I mean? Okay. Like,

36:00

and they just left the card, but like they could have just delivered

36:02

the part, you know what I mean? It's kind of annoying.

36:04

Like I didn't hear them knock and like I think I just

36:06

left and then bailed so... Well, you

36:08

seem to have found your way... I'm sorry, you're

36:10

making a complaint?

36:12

Yeah, do you want to make a complaint? Yeah! Let's make a

36:14

complaint! This

36:15

literally happens to me yesterday

36:17

and I picked up the phone, I

36:19

found another complaint, I called it and I was like,

36:21

what the fuck am I doing?

36:22

Now you can do

36:24

it in fantasy then. I

36:26

get out my chainsaw. Well,

36:29

of course you're welcome to make a complaint,

36:32

but in order to sort of process it, I still have to discharge

36:35

your post. We do have a package here

36:37

for someone called, I think it's

36:40

the Dragoon, the Dragoonfram.

36:42

That's us, the Dragoonfram. No wait, no,

36:45

hang on, no, no, that's Dragon Friends, Dragon

36:47

Friends. Yes. But you're the Dragoonfram, so I'm

36:49

gonna wait for them. Because you wouldn't

36:51

want to have like commit fraud on the postal

36:53

service, right? Is there a group of four people

36:56

over there? Well this is fucked. I

36:59

know, sorry, now I've gotten

37:01

confused, are you the Dragon Friends or aren't

37:03

you? My name's Frieso and that box over there that has

37:05

Frieso, Bobby, Filch and I

37:07

want to say total written on it. It just says Dragon,

37:10

it just says Dragon

37:11

Friends. Yeah, that's us, that's us. Okay, great.

37:13

Well if you... I mean... And so

37:15

the doors open and the four of

37:17

you walk in and you can see what

37:20

looks like a cardboard box that says

37:22

to the Dragon Friends and someone has

37:24

punched holes all around

37:27

the side of it and you can see...

37:30

You can hear what seems like breathing coming

37:32

from inside. It's a big, big

37:34

cardboard box. It's

37:35

Bastorn!

37:38

So yeah,

37:40

this is it. One pony, one pony

37:43

for the Dragon Friends. It's not a pony, actually

37:45

it's a horse. Oh, it's a horse,

37:47

yeah. Oh, it's a beautiful horse, yeah, chestnut

37:49

derbyshire.

37:52

Or a three horse. We...

37:56

I mean, we haven't... Wait, let's... Are

37:59

we still the Dragon? If you sign for it, I

38:01

can give it to you. Bobby just starts ripping the car

38:03

put over. You see the

38:06

beautiful eyes looking back at you of the most

38:08

beautiful horse you've ever seen. Oh my God, I've seen God.

38:12

It looks at you and it nays and then it inclines

38:14

its head gently so that its nose is

38:16

touching the side, asking you to sort of

38:19

give it a pat. Dave, I'm gonna cast a new

38:21

spell that I have. It's

38:23

talk with animals. Oh yeah, great,

38:25

yeah, you can cast talk with animals. Great,

38:27

all right, well, I've

38:28

had, all right, I guess the horse,

38:31

yeah, you can talk to the horse if you want. Hey,

38:33

where are your new dads?

38:36

And the horse presses its forehead against

38:38

you and whispers, run. Hang

38:44

on, Freeza also has beast speech. Freeza's gonna

38:46

be like, wait, what'd you say? Run.

38:49

From what? Bobby's

38:51

eyes get even wider and

38:54

he pushes away everyone and just

38:56

runs away. And you try to and you run at the door

38:59

and you open it, you slam it open, but instead of the

39:01

streets, you can see nothing spinning

39:04

out except empty, chromatic

39:07

color and darkness and light. It seems

39:09

that what was once the post office is now spinning in a sort

39:11

of pocket dimension. Guys, I've been here

39:13

before, I know which way to go. And meanwhile,

39:16

the figure of the postal attendant

39:18

goes, you know, it's just so funny

39:20

because you're the dragon friends now and I understand

39:23

that, I realized that, and you came here because

39:25

there was a present waiting for you and it seems idiotic.

39:28

It seems so simple to

39:30

me that you would fall for this. And yet I

39:33

suppose that there are two types of people. There are those

39:35

that follow, there are those that lead,

39:38

there are those that say

39:39

hail to the powers that be. That's

39:41

three types. And then, she

39:45

takes her hand and she unfastens

39:48

something. I fucking helped, Dad. Bright white

39:50

light comes as her face swings away and she says,

39:53

and there are those that hail to

39:55

no one. And you can see instead of an asmr,

39:58

there is a tiefling.

39:59

powerful red skin, a black

40:02

god paladin, rider of doom, follower

40:05

chosen of no one. The paladin

40:08

Bethany Smiles, who once swore

40:10

an oath to kill the dragon friends

40:13

and has hunted you down at last and to play Bethany

40:15

Smiles, she's already at the stage, make

40:17

some noise for Alex Lee! So,

40:23

awesome sauce

40:25

for the dragon friends! If

40:27

you don't know what's going on, refer to

40:30

our Beef Babes Twitch stream. Don't

40:32

worry, it'll be explained. Okay.

40:36

Hey Bethany! Hi! So,

40:38

just before I give you this horse,

40:40

I just have one little question.

40:43

How would you like to die?

40:46

Well, you know, kiss- And that is genuine.

40:48

Okay, yeah. I will kill you whichever

40:50

way you request. Sure. I know

40:52

you've thought about it, Freezo. I have. I

40:55

want to be suff- you know what, it doesn't matter. I don't need to tell

40:57

you right now. Um,

40:59

Bethany, hey, it's so good to see you. Just

41:01

so you know, I found Bobby so you can kill

41:03

him. Oh!

41:06

I just- But I'm not really part of their thing anymore.

41:09

Remember, because I joined the Beef Babes, so it's different now.

41:12

Yeah, but I still have to kill the dragon

41:14

friends and- That's not me, that's just Bobby.

41:17

Yeah. I have a duck. Okay. We're

41:20

new gang, we're called the Duck Friends. It's

41:22

just two of us. And

41:25

if I'm honest, that duck

41:27

smells a lot like urine.

41:29

Um, look, could you just drink this,

41:31

um, and she gives him some orange juice. So

41:34

he sobers up. Alright, yeah,

41:36

yeah, so you sober up. Congratulations. Don't

41:39

trust her. No, I'm not gonna drink it. Well, bitch- I

41:41

don't trust her. I- Fair

41:43

enough. She just said she was gonna kill me. Why would I

41:45

imbibe something she hands me? Because

41:48

I'm not gonna kill you with orange juice. What are you gonna

41:49

kill me with? Let's hold- shall we

41:51

hold him down? We

41:54

hold down Bobby. We hold down Bobby and make him drink the juice.

41:57

Well, Bethany takes a look at you and

41:59

if you're going to remain-

41:59

helpless and poisoned and incapable

42:02

of defending yourself. She draws her infernal longsword,

42:04

the holy defender, one that she found in Elysium, and

42:07

it glows with an infernal flame as her armor smokes

42:10

itself and she looks at you. I turn,

42:12

I

42:12

get my moon sword and I turn myself into

42:14

a werewolf and be like, I'm not Bobby. You

42:16

can't turn yourself into a werewolf because you can't see, oh

42:18

the moon, but you're only trying to use your luck blade? I'm

42:20

using my moon sword, yeah. Well the moment that you try and

42:23

draw your blade,

42:24

she sees you, she turns, she points at

42:26

you, and she says, drop, and the spell is

42:28

command, the

42:31

Paladin spell command, I need you to make for me

42:33

very, very quickly a wisdom

42:36

saving throw. That's

42:38

a natural 20, David. He's

42:41

high, but he's smart. You know what, I'm back

42:44

on the dragon friends team. Ha ha

42:46

ha ha. Great, you can act first if you want, you have

42:48

a moment to react. I'm

42:50

gonna draw my moon torch into the sword and I'm gonna

42:52

transform into a werewolf. You start transforming into a werewolf,

42:55

you turn to power, you can still act as well if you want, that's

42:57

a bonus action.

42:57

I'm going to, is she holding a sword? She's holding a

43:00

sword in front of you, but you have the drop on her. I'm gonna,

43:03

with the sword in my hands, try and knock it out of her hands.

43:05

All right, you try and knock the sword out of her hands, making

43:07

a pose strength check for me, I'll run her for combat if

43:09

you're okay, Alex. Yeah. You've

43:12

got Filge. That's a 19 from Bobby. All

43:14

right, 19, which she gets a. Oh wait a

43:16

second, I'm a werewolf now, so I get,

43:18

okay. Yeah, okay, yep,

43:21

cool. I'd

43:26

already done it. When you do it like that, I just think you can't

43:28

do maths. I can't do maths. We

43:31

all, why don't we stop,

43:32

why don't we stop the show to remind you that

43:34

I can't do maths? All

43:36

right, you're only 19, that's good enough. So Bethany's

43:38

sword goes wild and the side, she screams in

43:41

pain and outrage as she

43:43

starts to chant, as she casts

43:46

the spell, Spirit

43:48

Guardians as figures, it starts to whip around,

43:50

the air around you spins into dust and

43:52

you can see cackling figures of demons, demonic

43:54

figures, the writers of doom, her consort,

43:57

her screaming angels from hell riding

43:59

on their power. Infernal machines as they

44:01

whip into the space all around and I need all

44:03

of you now to make wisdom saves again Anybody

44:07

that fails against frightened being frightened

44:09

or this is no no this is to stop getting psychic

44:12

day 11 all right. That's

44:14

a wisdom. Yep That is

44:16

a 15 all right so anybody that succeeds

44:19

take seven hit points of damage the others take 14 points

44:21

of psychic damage But the next one up is

44:23

you Logan. Oh, okay? I

44:26

just I just want to say first. I

44:28

you know I know you probably be told that there's four

44:30

people that you got to kill But

44:33

you know I've just I'm recently here. There's

44:35

supposed to be like a very handsome person that

44:38

you should be All right, I'll die

44:40

for that That

44:42

was great. You see what she said

44:45

What's my second? So

44:49

you know how at that product Being

44:51

there was like that big They

44:53

were gonna release that cage of like big Shit

44:57

I turn into one because I've seen it and I turn into a

44:59

wild shape big old bear all right great You make an attack

45:01

yeah sure I'm on strike plus seven Which

45:04

means that you roll which is a nine and she looks

45:06

forward to you Pittingly almost as

45:08

you turn into a giant bear and then sort of scratch

45:11

the ground just in front of you get confused embarrassed

45:13

Fall over and basically do nothing

45:15

the next one up is free zone

45:16

now my memory of Bethany's She's

45:18

a paladin so she doesn't have good dexterity

45:21

okay, so I'm gonna cast innovation

45:23

a Tendril to inky darkness

45:26

reaches out from you touching a creature you can see Which

45:28

is a tendril come out of Bethany now You're

45:36

gonna make a dexterity saving throw

45:38

DC 17 yep all right so DC 17

45:40

which she does No,

45:44

yeah 16 doesn't okay, so

45:46

she takes

45:47

Four D8 damage all

45:49

right and until the spell ends you can use your action

45:51

to do another 48 damage every turn yes

45:53

great So that's 11

45:55

plus 2 plus 2 it's 15 damage 15

45:57

points of damage screams in pain

45:59

shock and it has to said surprise as her one-time

46:01

ally, Ally Freezo

46:03

attacks her. What the heck,

46:05

Freezo? Damn, right? You're getting hit

46:07

points equal to half the amount of damage. Fuck yeah,

46:09

this spell rules! Fuck yes! This

46:11

is what you say to your one-time comrade? But he's

46:13

got a thing coming out of his mouth, so he just...

46:17

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa,

46:19

whoa, whoa, whoa! Bethany

46:23

spins around, furious

46:25

at you as she very quickly starts

46:28

to chant and she draws the longsword

46:30

again, she casts blinding smite

46:33

and attacks you, Freezo,

46:35

identifying what she wants. That was her ally

46:38

and now realizes is her enemy. She attacks

46:40

you, bonus 3d8. This is

46:42

two, okay, yep, great. What's

46:45

her attack? She

46:47

rolls with the longsword plus ten, that

46:49

becomes 19. Oh, that hits. That

46:52

hits. Oh boy, that hits. Alright, with

46:54

3d8 radiant damage as well. Oh

46:57

my god, level ten, there's a lot of tests rolling. Alright,

46:59

we get to 14 points of radiant damage,

47:02

which is infernal damage converted to infernal damage

47:04

as well as... So that makes me on 49. No,

47:06

no, no, no, there's more. She's also got

47:08

the holy avenger itself, deals another 12

47:11

points of damage. That's... and then because it's

47:13

a versatile... I'm not meant to be attacked! Two handed

47:15

weapon, there's slashing damage as well.

47:18

Let's not forget the slashing damage, which

47:20

is...

47:21

Oh, do you reckon she would have cast Hunter's Mark

47:23

on you before? Probably not, because she was dealing

47:25

with these two. Alright, fair enough, fair enough. In

47:27

which

47:27

case, no, so you take 32 points

47:29

of damage. Three! Alright,

47:32

and you are blinded. Bwah!

47:38

She spins around using a bonus

47:40

action, she casts Misty's Step and she teleports

47:43

up high onto the balcony, surrounding

47:46

the postal office where the service workers would

47:48

once sit, sorting their mail as she taunts

47:50

the four of you. And

47:53

it feels just as me copying it, has she?

47:56

What's Spillj doing? I want to do... can

47:58

I intimidate her? I want to have a go of anything... Intimidating

48:00

presence. Well Alex is going to fight herself.

48:02

You can, yeah, yeah, you're right. You've got an action. This

48:04

on International Women's Day. Hahaha. I

48:07

will let you. They should be supporting each

48:09

other. I will let you, you're right, I've missed

48:11

you. So I will let you have an action now before. She's already damaged

48:13

freezo, but you can have one action

48:16

because you are caught flat-footed. What is it? Um,

48:18

intimidating presence. Okay, so this

48:20

is a charisma against a paladin. She

48:23

has to make a charisma save. And

48:26

a wisdom saving throw. Oh, well Bethany

48:28

is not that wise. So unfortunately

48:31

though, however, for you, well good for you

48:33

really. It depends how you feel. These are

48:35

honestly both your characters. She

48:38

has plus seven, so it's 23. Which I mean,

48:40

I think that she has seen the eyes

48:42

of devils and heroes. She has fraternized

48:45

with the God King himself in Elysian,

48:47

those blessed fields. She has traveled through Mahartis,

48:49

infernal raptures. She has traveled through three circles

48:52

of hell, back and forward through

48:55

crime itself and consorted with the Council

48:59

of Nine. And she is not that scared

49:01

of Filch, a conflicted barbarian

49:04

with two sons, step sons with

49:06

very, very wet mouths. And wet tail. So

49:09

Bethany's risen above them. So she's pretty much got them, right? She's

49:11

standing up high from the misty step and as she does that,

49:13

she twists, removes the

49:18

back of her costume and her wings

49:21

of flight unfold majestically

49:24

behind her, the sword at her side as

49:26

she looks down at the dragon friends.

49:29

So, you dragon

49:31

friends, I just want you to know it's not personal.

49:34

It's just I entered into an infernal

49:36

contract with a devil to

49:39

save a friend. And I know that

49:42

you guys aren't really friends and you probably

49:44

don't know what that's like. Because

49:47

the way Friso talked about it, you were more colleagues.

49:50

But in our adventuring party. ae

50:00

I don't expect you to understand,

50:02

but I had a friend and his name was Boushous.

50:04

And I had to bring him back to life. And the

50:07

only way I could do that was

50:09

to kill the you, the dragon friends. So

50:11

I just want you to know as you die here

50:14

today, that you're doing it for friendship.

50:16

And as she does, the figures of her spirit guardians

50:18

all assemble around her. You can see these

50:20

devils grinning down at you and their infernal machines.

50:23

You realise you are surrounded. So,

50:27

as I said, how would you like to

50:29

die? Bobby, Frieso,

50:32

Baston? It's

50:35

time. What about, what

50:37

about Filch? Oh, and Filch,

50:39

sorry, I forgot about you. Not a very memorable character.

50:46

Bobby, Frieso, Baston, Filch? Who

50:49

wants to die first? I'm not just, if I'm going to die,

50:51

I just, I want my name written right on the

50:54

ghosty or whatever. My name's Logan.

50:56

You want to live stream your own death? I

50:59

have many times before, my friends. My

51:03

name's Logan, it's not Baston, I'm Logan. And

51:05

I'm handsome, you already said that, so you can't take it away. She

51:08

falters for a second and for the first time, all of the spirits

51:10

around her look uncertain. So technically

51:12

this is a new group.

51:14

The Druegon Frons?

51:16

No, I met the Druegon friends on my way

51:18

here and they suck. Okay,

51:22

well that's like, I've been like, I've

51:24

been like following the Druegon friends for a long time.

51:27

Like through time and space and like hell

51:30

and stuff, so it'd be really cool if

51:33

this would not go wrong for me

51:35

right now. I just feel

51:37

like if you... Because I said all that cool stuff and I thought

51:39

about it and so you're not

51:42

Baston? No, I'm not. No, that's

51:45

total. We're going to have a serious talk after.

51:47

That's a good friend, total. I really feel like we're going to

51:49

have to have a chat later about... It's really

51:51

insensitive, Frieso. RAT

51:54

fling.

51:57

Well, I'm just Logan.

52:00

I'm not I'm not well this is this is

52:02

no good mr. Spethany I mean if they're not

52:04

they're dragon friends so we weren't some serious shit you know that

52:06

right your assistants a cat there's a little

52:09

though there's a little guy in a little suit

52:11

who's looking at a suit no no no it's

52:13

not a cat he's the same cat he's a little

52:15

goblin

52:16

is a little goblin in a suit but he's

52:18

wearing caddies Dave why? Where's he caddies?

52:20

Cat costume with his nose colour in black with whiskers drawn

52:22

on his head Oh that's so cute! No I'm sorry I'm

52:24

sorry mrs. Bethany it's just you go to a

52:26

Halloween party later You told me that the

52:28

the the the oh how for

52:31

God's sake and he pulls off his cat mask

52:33

I suppose It's

52:35

not a cat at all! That's a goblin! It

52:37

is a goblin a goblin that you recognize a goblin lawyer

52:40

that has worked for you once before What

52:42

the hell Gribbets? Look

52:44

I'm sorry hello guys by the way Hey

52:48

Gribbs Looking looking great

52:50

never fun for a lawyer to

52:52

meet all clients on the other side

52:55

I was sure we killed you! Yeah you

52:57

would think that because it was very painful but

53:00

actually when you die

53:02

and you die doing bad

53:05

things for bad people you go to hell So

53:08

I was in hell and that was torture

53:10

for a long time and then I met

53:12

my new client Bethany Smiles and

53:15

he's holding a big tome a sort of metal

53:17

contract and I've been working with her to

53:19

break

53:20

this Well actually to discharge

53:22

the terms of this contract which say

53:24

that all of you should die and she

53:26

was saying how will we find the dragon friends and I

53:28

said just give them a horse or some shit because

53:31

they love basically pat useless

53:33

useless pat and didn't the horse work

53:35

wasn't the horse a good idea

53:36

The horse I mean the horse worked Gribbets but

53:39

you told me these were the dragon friends and this is

53:41

like just some handsome turtle

53:44

I'm really I'm down if I die now

53:46

it's fun Well I mean this doesn't

53:48

need to be a problem you just you you I suppose

53:50

you just I didn't no one likes to say torture

53:52

but you you talk them into telling you where Baston

53:54

is you kill them you kill Baston and

53:56

the curse is lifted Do you want to know where Baston

53:59

is because we know

53:59

Well there you go, it's already working. We

54:02

know where Baston is. Great. The mists

54:04

of time. Baston... what?

54:07

The mists of time. He's in the

54:09

red level, the red-pink level of the mists

54:11

of time. I was gonna lie, send

54:13

her on a quest to heaven so she'd get killed, but what did you

54:15

say? The red-pink level in

54:19

time where

54:20

like, you can taste

54:23

air and hear songs

54:27

like normal. Oh,

54:29

sorry. Sorry, is he extremely high?

54:32

Yeah, he took a lot, he took a lot of mushrooms later

54:34

I think. And he refuses to drink the orange juice.

54:37

He took me poison. He won't drink the

54:39

orange juice, but he keeps lapping out of that

54:41

bucket of piss clearly. This

54:43

is my friend who I'm kissing. She's

54:45

a duck. So

54:49

wait,

54:50

are you telling me if these aren't the dragon friends, Gribbets? Well

54:52

if they don't... Can I not break, I

54:54

mean this curse has been following me around for years.

54:57

Five years, I know. I mean, I've

54:59

got the curse, I translated the curse for you,

55:01

which, and by the way, I think I did a bloody good job if I do so myself.

55:04

Absolutely, absolutely earning my retainer

55:07

and you know, we can also work out there's a bonus to

55:09

be seen because you know, I think I did this very quickly

55:11

and under difficult circumstances. But it says here,

55:14

the four sworn promise to kill the ones

55:16

known as the dragon friends to hunt them down and not rest until

55:18

they are dead and buried, not just this world, but any other world,

55:21

in return for the one called Boushous, whose body currently

55:23

lies in the room in front of Bethany Smiles and Kit Gingerston, who

55:26

will be returned to life,

55:27

normal style, not little,

55:30

tiny, but like the big version of him, not a zombie, restored

55:32

to full health instantly, this pact to

55:34

be discharged within a period of no more

55:37

than five years in the name of the arch devil,

55:39

the veiled lady of torment, who lies in wait in the gardens of

55:41

dreams and nightmare, Lysteria Obstrix.

55:44

You made a deal with Lysteria Obstrix

55:46

and if those five years end,

55:48

then you and Kit are going to die. And I

55:51

mean, by my count, if the dragon friends aren't here,

55:53

we've got a problem in about a month's time.

55:55

Gribbons. Yes. Can I ask you

55:57

a serious question? Of course. What is she

55:59

paying for?

55:59

paying you, we'll have it.

56:03

And picture, if you will, a small

56:05

pathetic goblin, a goblin who has had a rough

56:08

time of it, a goblin who found himself against

56:10

his wishes to

56:11

be embroiled in a 10 year, 10

56:13

season- Can I pass you a serious question?

56:16

Can I pat you? Dungeons and Dragons

56:18

campaign, a goblin that if I am

56:20

honest does not deserve this, a goblin

56:23

that is trying his best, a goblin that wanted

56:25

nothing more than to do his job

56:27

and to try and make a show with

56:29

his friends and just do the game

56:32

the way it's supposed to be written, but

56:34

a goblin who instead, because his

56:36

friends are monsters,

56:38

has found himself trapped in a

56:40

hell unending, a hell that has seen him go

56:42

all the way from the edges of the 900 world in

56:44

return to find himself working for Bethany Smiles, the

56:47

Blackguard Paladin, and now finding

56:49

himself unable to rescue her from

56:51

the fate that is promised because if the dragon

56:53

friends cannot die, if Baston is

56:55

not here, if justice cannot be metered, then what shall

56:58

become of those fearsome adventurers

57:01

that time and justice called the Beef

57:03

Babes to find out? Tune

57:06

in to this season of Dragon

57:08

Friends, thank you! The

57:14

cast of Dragon Friends for this week is Alex

57:16

Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hing and

57:18

Tom Cardy. Dungeon Master is Dave Harmon

57:21

with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins

57:23

and Live Accompanements by Nick Harriot. Shakira

57:26

Khan is our producer, the podcast is edited, mixed

57:28

and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and

57:30

new episodes are recorded live in the vanguard

57:32

in Sydney on Gadigal Land in the Doryne

57:34

Bridge. Until next time! There's

57:45

Napoleonic soldiers, four of them

57:47

on horses, the Dragoon. at

58:00

the back. Yeah. Um but like

58:02

we all feel pretty safe right? Yeah but do you guys

58:04

do do you guys need us to to do anything?

58:11

I'm not listening to a robot. I'm not gonna do what

58:13

a robot wants me to do. I mean we're in the room

58:15

and there's no it's fine. Yeah

58:17

of course. Oh

58:20

right. Nick I gotta say you stopped it. Bang

58:22

on it's a bit suspicious. Wait Nick was

58:25

that the I thought it was a voice of authority saying it's

58:27

fine. Was it just you? No it's me it's fine guys

58:29

don't worry uh nothing

58:31

to worry about just have a nice dinner have a nice drink

58:34

and uh we'll pass something on. Nick

58:37

does all the music for the show but also he's

58:39

the fire marshal. If I

58:41

just put the fire marshal cap on for one moment it's

58:43

fine. At this point we should say we have

58:45

locked the doors. Anyway Dave.

58:47

Yeah the dragoon

58:49

fram gets sort of angry. No my nose

58:51

we're gonna go back in we're gonna go back in. Q Q

58:55

I'm sorry good luck. Keep

58:57

it in it's spicy I like it. Yeah.

59:03

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59:05

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