0:01

["Dragon Friends Must Die"] Picture,

0:25

if you will, a brave

0:28

adventuring party traveling through

0:30

the heavens, through the hells, for,

0:32

I would say, approximately two and a half years, and I

0:35

would say quite a fun Twitch stream. That

0:37

would of course be the adventuring party,

0:39

the Beef Babes, Proud Kitchen, Justin the Barbarian,

0:42

Bethany Smiles, Paladin, Chosen

0:44

of Palor, and Freezo,

0:47

a kind of, uh, well,

0:49

let's,

0:49

Michael Hing plays one character, and he played it twice

0:51

for us, this is the same character, it's Freezo. He

0:54

played it twice. A

0:57

warlock who had been through heaven and hell

0:59

on his

1:00

quest for self-betterment, and

1:02

Bushu, his reluctant

1:03

familiar-come-dragonborn sorcerer, who traveled

1:05

with him. The Beef Babes traveled high, they

1:07

traveled low, and were laid

1:09

down low when Bushu died, but

1:11

all was not lost, for Lysteria

1:14

Obstructs, she of the Broken Veil, of

1:16

the Garden of Dreams and Nightmares, Archdevil

1:19

of Nessus, had an offer,

1:22

and in exchange for a promise to

1:24

kill the dragon friends, your friend Bushu

1:26

would be restored to life, and

1:28

lo, he was. And

1:32

so Bushu lived, and so the dragon friends

1:34

must die, and almost five

1:36

years have elapsed, and in that time, the headaches have

1:38

come, they have become worse and

1:41

worse, Bethany, and in your dreams now, every

1:44

night with certainty, you see yourself

1:46

walking in a terrible garden, by

1:48

a black river, where a woman waits

1:51

with her back turned to you in a black funerary

1:53

shroud, and every night

1:56

the dream goes longer as she starts

1:58

to turn towards you.

1:59

This is the veiled lady of torment, and

2:02

when you see her face,

2:03

you know that you will

2:05

die. Unless

2:08

you kill the dragon friends.

2:11

But where are the dragon friends? You have traveled

2:13

high, you have looked, you have searched

2:15

and searched, and it was not until they

2:17

traveled to hell themselves and introduced

2:20

themselves to a podcaster that

2:24

you realized you might have yet a chance

2:27

to find them following the trail has led

2:29

you to water deep where the promise of our

2:31

horse has led them to

2:34

a post office trap, and

2:37

yet

2:37

one is missing Baston. Did Ben Jenkins

2:39

snitch on us? I

2:42

mean, yeah, Ben Jenkins absolutely snitched

2:44

on you. Fucking ACAP, man, all cops are Ben.

2:48

What an awful

2:51

universe, alternate reality where

2:53

all cops are Ben. Oh, I know. Do

2:56

you have any idea

2:57

how fast you've- Sarge, Sarge, I can't get my gun, I've

3:00

got to eat jelly beans from a man.

3:01

Two questions, do you have any idea how fast

3:03

you were going and have you got a Twix? So

3:08

without Baston here, it seems that your plans

3:11

may be for naught and you have no backup.

3:13

Kit Jinshissen, Bouchou, your one-time allies

3:16

have been scattered to the winds of the nine known world, and

3:18

Bethany,

3:18

you are on your own save for your

3:20

legal representation, the goblin lawyer, Gribbets,

3:23

a goblin that you found down in his luck in Avernus

3:25

and have employed as your lawyer.

3:28

And now, with the fight

3:31

deflated,

3:31

with the moment gone, you and

3:33

the dragon friends sit down in the post office

3:35

and orange juice is provided for the quickly

3:38

sobering up bobby pancakes. All

3:41

right. I think turning to a werewolf metabolized

3:43

anything that was in my system. As Gribbets

3:46

pours over an old obscure

3:49

legal document bound in skin

3:51

and steel. Ew. What,

3:54

what, you got a problem with the book? I got this book from the

3:56

library, this is from the third circle.

3:58

It's skin. That

4:00

book gross dude. I'd skin from her. It's

4:02

skin from a baddie. I mean, it's probably fine

4:05

Anyway, it says here

4:07

it says here. Yeah, no, this is

4:09

this isn't going to work You need to kill all

4:11

the dragon friends Lysteria was very specific

4:15

well, I Don't know group.

4:17

It's I mean, maybe I should just

4:18

kill a couple of them and see if that does

4:20

anything if you like I mean you can try but it's not

4:23

going to I mean kill him see if anything happens You

4:29

know what what

4:30

I've got an idea. Oh, hang on freezers

4:32

got an idea This is historically

4:35

gone well for me Okay,

4:38

shut up goblin God

4:41

I've known you for years. Sorry

4:44

bibbets

4:46

now Bethany recently

4:51

we Ran into

4:53

our past selves young versions

4:55

of ourselves that have been brought here

4:57

and we don't currently know if Killing

5:00

them will kill us in this timeline.

5:03

It will Well, that's not

5:05

we don't know that yet. Actually I had a vision You

5:09

know what? I mean, it's logical but

5:11

also I went on a dream quest and No,

5:15

it's not gonna work anyway because it says here you're bound

5:17

you're bound basically because of freezo as long as

5:19

freezo lives He's the tether that connects

5:22

these dragon friends to you by

5:24

way of this So you need to kill all freezos

5:27

or just me actually I guess

5:28

if you kill me, what do you mean all freezers? Yeah,

5:30

what do you mean all there's a second free that's

5:32

what I'm saying. There's a second freezo You

5:34

could kill him and maybe why won't die? No,

5:37

you'll die

5:38

Is this freezo just got a guy that he's put

5:40

like a moustache on it like wheels him is like this

5:42

is freezo This is the other freezo. It's a very

5:44

specific contractor there. You it's really quite

5:46

ironclad I mean unless you could find a way unless

5:49

we can sever the entire contract I really

5:51

don't see a way of getting out of this unless

5:53

we kill what let's sever the whole contract well,

5:56

I mean severance is a very complicated

5:58

process that requires

5:59

I mean, you would need to travel to the 9th circle

6:02

of hell, you'd need to go to the Nessian courts of the damned,

6:04

you'd need everybody that was involved in the curse, and

6:07

you would need to break the contract on the desk of

6:09

woe, but that's a

6:11

very- How

6:11

spiky the desk? Well, it's a- You

6:15

know, it talks a big name, but it's really

6:17

just like a very basic desk. It's kind

6:20

of like an IKEA desk. It's in a big, it's in the

6:22

court of, it's in the court. I was gonna say,

6:24

cause if it was spiky, it'd be hard to write on it, you know?

6:26

Yeah, exactly, wouldn't make any sense. That where the

6:28

woe come from. The freezer gets it. Yeah. It's

6:31

a normal writing desk, but it is- Ugh.

6:34

Maybe just kill us then. Yeah, I think that's

6:37

fair enough. Well- No, no, no, wait,

6:40

wait. The gribbets pulls out a gun. Wait. Ha

6:42

ha ha ha.

6:44

You can kill, no, you can't kill them. We talked

6:46

about these gribbets.

6:48

So this severance thing, we need to collect

6:51

every single person who was involved.

6:54

And when we first, in our first consultation,

6:56

I mentioned severance to you, and we agreed

6:59

that it was not possible because you don't

7:01

know where all the interested parties are. You've lost

7:03

track of kit, you've lost track of buchu,

7:06

and now it seems you've misplaced Bastog. And

7:08

can I say that that is, that is some piss

7:10

poor adventuring. I mean, you guys have traveled

7:12

together how long? It seems like you don't even

7:15

care. Which one's Bastog? Oh my- Oh

7:17

my-

7:20

Okay, so we need to go find.

7:22

That's fine, Bethany. You and I are friends,

7:24

remember? We're like best friends.

7:27

Yeah, I mean- Can we have that chat

7:29

one time? Can we talk without, I mean-

7:32

Without the tortle and the halfling?

7:35

And the orc. And the orc.

7:38

And the orc, and the orc, and the cat.

7:40

Oh, sorry, gribbets, sorry. Hello. With

7:43

the ears on, sorry. I mean, I should probably, I'm

7:45

part of the talk, right? This is- No.

7:48

This is a- Beef

7:51

break. Beef break. That's all right, we can

7:53

go. Do you wanna have a staring- Beef break?

7:56

That's fucking hilarious. Excuse me, what?

7:59

Would you have a funny- name for when you go off and

8:01

talk to your friends? Yeah we call it a circle check.

8:08

So Bethany, what's going on with

8:10

your own gribbets? What are

8:12

you doing? Dish!

8:17

Dish girl! I

8:21

see the way he looks at you. I

8:29

have just come here to kill you to break

8:32

a contract and

8:34

learn me Tonya honey. No

8:40

sorry sorry I don't know what it's like he's awful.

8:42

He's horrible. Ah he's

8:44

awful. You haven't stepped

8:47

that far away I can still hear you. Sorry

8:50

gribbets. I mean

8:53

I feel like I'm trying to be nice but like

8:55

there's like there's something inherent

8:58

in him that makes me like wanna be mean

9:00

to him.

9:00

I'm getting still right here.

9:03

I know to be honest I think he likes

9:05

it. I think it gets him a horrible

9:07

little stiffy. Look

9:09

at this you suck look see he's getting

9:12

all. Now why would he say that? In

9:14

the other circle Bobby and and

9:16

my name is Logan. So I suppose I'm with you guys? Oh

9:19

fuck I wouldn't fuck that little goblin if I'm

9:22

with your dick mate. Hey.

9:24

Well hang on now I feel like there's a huddle in this corner

9:26

with you guys and there's a huddle so it's just made by myself.

9:29

Oh I'm this Filch you can talk to Filch. Oh okay how

9:31

are you doing Filch?

9:33

Me asleep.

9:41

Okay meanwhile Bethany and Fraser. I guess

9:44

we just didn't really talk after I

9:47

had to go back to the real world.

9:49

I mean you told me that these these people

9:51

weren't your real friends. I mean the beef bays

9:53

we we traveled through hell together

9:56

we went through hell literally infigritively.

9:58

Yeah

9:58

we also did hell actually. Oh

10:00

yeah? Derivative? Yeah,

10:02

here's

10:05

the thing, I feel like the gods

10:07

just ran out of ideas. I don't know. Yeah,

10:11

look, how can I say this?

10:15

I don't want

10:18

to die. Do

10:20

you hear what I'm saying? Yeah?

10:23

And when you kill me, it makes

10:25

me feel bad.

10:31

Wow. You've really

10:33

been working on yourself. Frieso,

10:37

I'm so proud of you. There were times when you couldn't say

10:40

that. Yeah, and so if

10:43

you try to kill me,

10:46

I will do everything in my power

10:48

to kill you and everyone

10:51

you love because... Now

10:55

this is gross.

10:58

That's how I feel and I have to be

11:00

honest to myself. So

11:02

that's why I'm maybe going

11:04

to have to kill you later. That's so funny

11:07

that you think you can kill me. What

11:10

level do you reckon you are? It's so cute. Right now. I

11:12

would say level 10 and I would also

11:15

say that we did that stream and

11:17

I was at times a lot more

11:19

permissive with magic items than I

11:21

am in this show. The old

11:24

Dip in the Bag. The Dip in the Bag came

11:25

from Beef Bag. It did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So

11:28

somewhere between her wings of flight, her holy Avenger longsword,

11:30

the friendship necklace that don't forget you have as

11:32

well. Don't put that on me. I

11:36

don't want the friendship necklace again. Listen.

11:39

How have you been feeling? Are you okay?

11:43

Is this like part of your growth? Yes,

11:46

it's not a strategy. You know what, Frieso,

11:48

because I know that we're friends, right?

11:50

We're friends, not colleagues. 100%. I know your

11:52

favourite. I know your favourite

11:54

colour, your favourite movie and

11:56

your favourite food. Alright, let's save

11:58

them all at the same time. Okay,

12:02

favourite colour.

12:03

Red. Oh, three, two, one, red.

12:06

Favourite movie. A

12:08

leak of their own. A

12:10

leak of their own. Favourite

12:13

food. Three, two,

12:15

one. Custed. Well,

12:19

actually, if you want, I've actually got a

12:21

baguette.

12:24

I just need to know that whatever goes

12:26

down, you're on my side,

12:28

right?

12:29

I mean, here's the thing. Of course, I'm

12:32

your friend. But there is going to be a... there's

12:35

going to come a point where you're going to try

12:37

and kill me. You know? And

12:39

here's the thing about friends. This is

12:41

what I learnt when I was working

12:44

on myself.

12:45

Friends actually don't

12:49

kill their friends. They

12:51

might let them die.

12:55

They might, in a trolley

12:57

problem situation. But

13:01

they would never actively kill

13:04

their friends. Right, Dave?

13:06

Hi. Sorry, can I jump in here? No,

13:09

I've just been consulting the

13:13

libre, horrendous obscura.

13:16

And this one's made of skin and hair.

13:18

It's much more gross. Anyway...

13:24

What kind of hair is it? I don't know, but look at that. Cubes.

13:27

What's the beard? It's a mercan. It's

13:29

a mercan. Don't

13:31

touch it. Anyway, there's no... Why

13:34

are all the pubes gray? Unless

13:38

you can find a way to find

13:41

your friends, get them back, then

13:43

there's no

13:43

way. This is just not an option. You're going to have to

13:45

kill them, then you're going to have to walk the earth

13:47

for about a month, get really lucky, find

13:50

Baston, kill them, and then pay me would be nice, basically.

13:53

Those are the options. That's how it's going to have to go.

13:57

Kate, whatever.

14:04

unless unless of course you can find a way to find

14:06

those you find kitten

14:08

bush it but it sounds like that's not an option no

14:11

we sort of once I went nuts

14:13

in that in heaven and

14:16

took that big spaceship

14:18

and started walking all the different planes

14:21

trying to kill every god

14:23

we sort of lost touch well

14:25

you might you know how it is well you might not but

14:28

sometimes friends lose touch I'm sorry

14:31

see what I mean it just comes out of me yeah I

14:33

know and he wouldn't get it because he's never had friends I

14:35

know hang on hang on this is but

14:37

let's be let's be focused on the problems

14:40

let's not get mean cut to a grib it's 12th birthday

14:42

party

14:44

Oh gribby sweetie no they're coming

14:46

they are coming I just told you

14:49

I didn't want to have a birthday party but that's

14:51

all right we invited everyone I know

14:54

I know I'm just sweeping up I'm the janitor

14:56

oh great because

15:01

we have so many cheese pups in this

15:03

room don't go to the door crib it's I'm sure

15:05

that

15:06

love to see you hello

15:08

all right I will thanks mom thanks

15:10

Derek yep I

15:14

guess crib it's opens the door I want to win

15:16

playing hello sir you look like someone

15:18

who's in need of a broom not just a regular

15:21

store-bought broom but a handmade fancy damn

15:24

fancy damn

15:24

brooms are the number one broom in town

15:27

now this here is ordinary dirt

15:29

this here is extraordinary dirt excuse

15:32

me I put this on your carpet and he just starts chucking

15:34

dirt but I have a fancy damn broom

15:38

so excuse me yes you

15:41

get out of the way I just need to yes freeze

15:43

oh of course I have

15:44

friends I understand what you're talking about

15:46

no look

15:50

hey bro when you say that thing about friends why did your hands

15:53

just start pretending to sweep the floor it's not

15:55

important look I

15:58

mean the two of you

15:59

You came from the same party, right? We have the contract

16:02

here. You would just need some kind of very powerful scrying

16:04

equipment.

16:05

So you, I don't understand. You've paid

16:07

me and I'm doing my best I can, but you're quite a

16:09

powerful paladin. Dave, I feel like you're

16:11

trying to get me to remember something that I have.

16:14

You're saying that you have no means to,

16:16

in any way, magically scry. You have no access

16:19

to scrying equipment. You have no powerful,

16:21

magical items. I just killed

16:23

an old man who has a towel filled with magical

16:26

shit. Let's go there. In

16:29

fact, he would have just died. As your lawyer. You

16:31

shouldn't tell me that. You're

16:34

not my lawyer, Gribbitts. You're

16:38

my friend's lawyer. Will

16:41

you guys help me? I

16:44

know I came to kill you and,

16:47

but if we want to be free of this, we've

16:50

got to find some old friends of mine. Can I tell

16:52

you, don't worry about Bobby. He's really chill

16:54

about

16:55

almost dying, you know? Really chill. Oh,

16:57

cool. You know, it might be

17:00

dangerous, but we have to collect all

17:02

of my old colleagues. We have to find your

17:05

colleague, Baston, and

17:07

break this curse together. Are you in? Was

17:10

that or another game of Ultimate Frisk? So

17:13

yes. What

17:16

about you, Logan? Well, my

17:18

ultimate game is to find Baston, and

17:20

I'd love a career change, so absolutely, yeah.

17:23

What about you, Philge? Well,

17:26

uh... You said you were asleep. Oh,

17:29

I feel refreshed. Yeah,

17:33

I mean, me got responsibilities, and

17:36

people who need me, and

17:38

soccer practice, and

17:41

debating coach. I'm the coach of

17:43

the debating team. So,

17:45

yeah, let's go. And

17:48

then she turns at last to you, Freezo,

17:51

and her eyes glow white as she casts

17:53

the spell Zone of Truth. Around

17:55

just the two of you and takes your hand. Oh,

17:58

what's going on there? I'm

18:00

not a man who's trying to cut Gribbets' grass,

18:03

let me tell you. And that's

18:05

the truth? Freezo.

18:09

Yes. Can the others hear

18:11

what we're saying? Yes Bethany.

18:15

Do you promise one thing? No.

18:20

That's fair. Again, there's

18:22

a zone of truth around this, just so you know you can't

18:24

lie. Well, of course, that's why I

18:27

said no. If

18:33

it comes down to it, who

18:36

will you choose? Oh, then can they

18:38

hear? You can cast, no, you

18:40

can cast deafness as well. That's my blindness deafness.

18:44

Me or them? Glee!

18:49

And do you know what? Because of blindness

18:51

and deafness, you guys can talk about this after.

18:54

But Freezo gives his answer to

18:57

Bethany. I choose Freezo. None

18:59

of the other dragon friends can hear it, and the answer is given.

19:02

Do you feel strange that they've done

19:04

kind of truth and then just when they were going to ask the

19:06

question they weren't completely silent? Yeah,

19:08

it's not a great groundwork for building trust.

19:11

Okay, let's go on an adventure. And

19:16

Bethany takes from around her neck a beautiful

19:18

brooch of blood and, in case of a single

19:20

petal, a rose, a fey rose, a fayline rose,

19:22

the rose created by Morgana that allows her to travel,

19:25

flip between the worlds as she summons a portal

19:27

that takes her out of the world. That takes her out of this pocket

19:29

dimension she's created and deposits you, all

19:31

of you, outside the real Waterdeep

19:34

postal office. Because

19:36

it seems that you have a plan to find

19:38

some scrying equipment for you. Is that horse still

19:40

there? What, um...

19:43

It was a beautiful horse.

19:46

Yes, sure, alright, you can have the horse. Yes!

19:49

I get on it. I

19:52

love you. Logan, Bobby,

19:54

Filge, Bethany. You see that

19:57

tower on

19:57

the hill over there? Yeah. That big

19:59

old tower. that looks like a dick for some reason.

20:02

A weird ass mushroom head on the top of it. That's

20:05

where it going. We're going to that tower, and

20:08

we're gonna kill an old, oh no, we're gonna, right,

20:11

we're gonna get in there. Don't. With

20:13

this key, we're gonna get you some powerful

20:16

scrying equipment. And if anyone

20:18

tries to stop us, we'll kill

20:20

him. Right, Dave?

20:23

He screams

20:25

to the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right,

20:27

Dave! And so you, the Dragon Friends

20:29

of Bethany, you make your way up again towards the Castle

20:31

Ward where Blackstaff Tower sits. The

20:33

Blackstaff Tower, of course, home

20:36

of the six Blackstaff Warlocks,

20:38

the circle of living and dead Warlocks,

20:40

the most powerful Warlock Supreme that

20:43

ruled those powers arcane

20:45

and infernal in the city of Waterdeep,

20:47

in a concordance with the city that

20:49

wished it was not there, but had not power to

20:51

see them ejected. This is

20:54

a tower now run by Corbin, the

20:56

sixth Blackstaff,

20:57

a man who you have befriended over

20:59

several months. Yep. At

21:01

your bakery, and who has entrusted you with a key for

21:04

his front plants. Now

21:07

he told me to put this key in the lock and then

21:09

twist it some amount of time. Did

21:11

he? Did he? Is that what he said? Did

21:13

he say some amount of

21:14

times? Well, I don't know, what did he say, Dave?

21:18

Do you remember, Dave? Do you even remember what he said? I don't

21:20

need to remember. It's fucking written here.

21:24

Tom, what's it say? Hi there. I'm

21:29

gonna guess it would be less than 10. It's

21:32

not turning your key works. Once

21:34

again, Freezo has pulled out the key and

21:37

you are now standing outside the doors of

21:39

the Blackstaff Tower, and he is now suddenly

21:41

uncertain. Freezo puts the key

21:43

in the lock. Yes. He turns it once.

21:46

And it clicks. He turns it twice.

21:49

Does he? Yes. And it clicks again.

21:52

Look in his eyes, what's he saying? What's he giving away?

21:54

He turns it three times. And it clicks

21:56

again. Yeah,

22:02

that's it. We're opening the door. And

22:07

the door swings open. Michael,

22:10

there are so many numbers in the world. Yeah,

22:13

Mike, you know it was less than like, he wouldn't, because

22:15

Dave, he wouldn't have gone like 40 because it wouldn't

22:17

have been taken too long, you know? You

22:19

need to wait for him to like go up. The door swings open, revealing

22:22

what looks like a beautifully appointed antechamber. There

22:24

is a low marble bench to your

22:26

right. There are old torches

22:29

that seem to sputter

22:31

into life as they fire up with a green,

22:34

almost ghostly fire as the door opens. And

22:36

you can see, yes, three or four

22:38

large pots with front plants that

22:41

look desperately in need of watering, steps

22:44

leading up into the tower itself. Wow,

22:47

so your friend lives here? Yeah,

22:49

my friend, Colonel. Cor-

22:52

Corbin. Corbin. Corbin the Six. And

22:55

so he gave you a key, is he like on holiday or

22:57

something? Yeah, he,

23:00

oh, he's gone away for a while. Yeah?

23:03

Yeah, he, um, he think he was going to

23:05

Thems or something. So

23:06

that wizard we stepped over on our way here? Yeah,

23:09

that was a different dead warlock.

23:12

That was... Because you were just talking a lot about

23:14

how friends don't kill friends. Yeah,

23:16

yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's just

23:18

another guy? That's it, yeah, we should call an

23:20

ambulance after we do our thing though. Because

23:23

he looked pretty sickly. Okay.

23:26

Well, nice place, I mean, I guess we should water his

23:28

plants. Yeah, and then he said

23:30

don't go upstairs, but if I want to fill up this watering

23:32

can, I probably got to go find a tap, that's probably upstairs, right?

23:35

So we'll go upstairs and

23:37

just see what's up there. And you're leading the way, aren't you, Freezo?

23:40

Yes, now, Dave, because I know you're going to try and fuck me, I'm going to do

23:42

like a...

23:44

I'm going to do an actin... Just trying to play

23:46

Dungeons and Dragons with you. I know, but I've...

23:49

No, no, no, I can't... No, no, you always

23:51

do this. You always do

23:53

this. It's this antagonistic relationship. Yeah,

23:56

I started watching a different YouTube one

23:59

where they play Dungeons and Dragons. dragons right and

24:01

they don't even do jokes. Theirs is just like it's

24:04

boring right and their

24:06

dungeon master is quite nice to them he doesn't try and fuck

24:09

them all the time Dave you know

24:11

he goes oh we're telling a story whereas you're like

24:15

I do an Arcana check 15 plus

24:20

Arcana Dave yeah that's

24:22

what 18. 18 you got an 18 did you? Yeah I'm looking

24:25

for magical traps.

24:26

All right you're that

24:28

again you have failed to understand how the Arcana

24:31

skill works but that's that's

24:33

fine you

24:35

know what you think that the stairways in the impossible

24:38

mansion tower that is in the center of the city

24:40

that has sputtering torches of green

24:42

ghostly fire it feels to

24:44

you like it might be magical in

24:47

origin.

24:48

I

24:51

think it's pretty safe guys let's go

24:53

upstairs. All right make a dexterity save.

24:57

Oh that's a two. Mine

25:00

plus dexterity so maybe a four. Seven.

25:02

No it's Freeza it's the first one at the top. So there two

25:05

things happen immediately Freeza you hit you step

25:07

on a step there is a click and then there is a

25:10

sound as a little dart fires

25:12

forward and lodges itself just below your Adam's

25:14

apple.

25:16

Home alone castle. Which instantly

25:18

constricts your

25:22

vocal cords preventing

25:25

you from casting spells with vocal

25:27

components for the next hour.

25:29

Just the dance spells. Sematic

25:32

and materials fire you can't cast spells that require

25:34

you to use your voice and the second thing that happens

25:38

is that the lights change and then there was

25:40

a ghostly voice that's like that comes out

25:42

of what looks like a portrait

25:45

high up in the stairs it was like hello who bloody

25:47

goes there this is this is Corbin the sixth

25:50

you're not are you hang on this I'm meant to record

25:52

this in case someone's up this hang on are you

25:54

I should have thought about this now are you if yours

25:57

thieves bloody don't

25:58

just know Um, cops,

26:01

cops, alarm, alarm, alarm.

26:03

And it just sort of talks to itself very loudly.

26:06

And then Freeza's just gonna wipe it. All right, let's keep going.

26:09

Freeza's gonna keep walking. But saying- You

26:11

can't talk, so. Yeah, but yeah, he's just kind of got this, and then he's

26:13

gonna gesture to Logan to go- Alarm, no, don't, don't

26:15

bloody, don't walk past me. Don't, no. If

26:17

you're still walking up these stairs, private

26:20

security has been dispatched. I repeat, private

26:22

security has been dispatched and is making its way to

26:24

the tower now. I

26:26

stick my head and my arms in my shell and I waddle

26:29

up like that. Sideways,

26:31

so it hits my shell. All right. The rest of

26:33

you still gonna go up? Yep. All right,

26:35

great. Also, by the way, Freeza, you take

26:36

two hit points of damage. I'm

26:38

level 10 now, Dave. I

26:41

just need to kill like four guys and I'm back to four hit points.

26:45

I will try to remember that in the next encounter.

26:48

You make your way up further up the stairs.

26:50

Bethany, you're just behind Freeza? Yep. All

26:53

right, and as the two of you crest to the

26:55

top of the stairs, past the quite uselessly shouting,

26:58

talking animated portrait,

27:00

you can see that there is a beautiful circular lounge. This

27:02

next level of black stuff tower is an appointed

27:06

lounge for entertaining. There is a conversation

27:09

pit dominating the center of the

27:11

room with a circular staircase going up the

27:13

walls. There is a small bar. There's

27:15

a beautiful table near a bookshelf

27:17

that is crammed with old and stranger cult

27:20

books. And there is a big pewter

27:22

chest sitting beside the bar, locked

27:24

and barred. Whoo! Don't

27:28

see conversation pits like this much these

27:30

days.

27:31

No. No. And

27:35

she sits down on one of the couches. Okay.

27:39

And tries to kind of see, put

27:41

herself in the position of someone sitting there and

27:44

thinks, I think we should look in

27:46

that chest. Okay, as soon as you sit down,

27:48

the beautiful circular fireplace in the center

27:50

of the room bursts into light and the room feels warm

27:53

and friendly and you see the chest,

27:55

which is, as I said, bound with steel bars,

27:58

old, iron oak.

27:59

and it looks like it

28:02

has a very powerful and potent lock. Why

28:05

not? Do you think the equipment we need is in there? Or

28:08

do you think it's like this is his place for sex parties

28:10

and it's just got a lot of masks? Freeza's

28:13

gonna cast blue lights on this couch,

28:15

no. Ugh. Um. Can

28:18

I see what- Freeza's gonna gesture towards Bobby and be like,

28:20

and point at the chest.

28:25

Are you a chest expert? Mm. Uh,

28:30

yeah. Yeah, yeah,

28:32

yeah. As you get to know me, you'll know that I'm an expert in

28:34

quite a lot of things. Oh my God, what am

28:36

I doing? Yes. Bobby

28:40

goes to- Is he cutting onto me? I think,

28:42

I think if time is right, it went chest

28:45

means chest, which is where boobs are.

28:48

And then it went, and then went to like, like I'm

28:50

good at eating pussies, I think what Bobby

28:52

was saying. Is that what happened? Yeah. Bethany

28:55

looks at Bobby like he's gotten the wrong

28:58

idea. So sorry, I'm taking, I'm putting my arm around

29:00

Grippins. No, no, no,

29:02

I'm just, chest, I'm like, I'm a lock

29:04

picker. Like that's my, look at this.

29:08

That's a three. And

29:11

Bobby goes, look at- Wait, is that sleight of hand?

29:14

That's a 20. I love big

29:16

level 10. You have

29:18

a plus 17?

29:20

Plus 13, oh sorry, 16. 16, that's

29:24

disgusting, but it is- Unfortunately,

29:27

it is still a three, did you roll or a-

29:29

Yeah. All right, three. So you turn around,

29:31

Bobby looks at you, grabs his lock pick, sort

29:34

of sweats,

29:34

spins around, and then places his hand

29:37

on the lock. But in his panic

29:40

and embarrassment,

29:40

he misjudges and his hand

29:43

with the lock pick falls right

29:45

through the sort of plastic and rubbery

29:47

maw of this chest, which suddenly turns

29:50

viscous and sticky as it starts

29:52

to grapple you. Because it is of course

29:54

a mimic, you fucking idiot! Yeah,

29:57

you fucking idiots. Prezio turns to Bethany

29:59

and goes-

29:59

Eh, don't worry, he's really good at eating pussy.

30:04

And it attacks you, Bobby. I'm a class 20 with its

30:06

pseudopad, that's D8 plus 3, which

30:09

is another... Ugh. 6 points

30:12

of damage and it tries to bite you as well, and

30:14

it rolls 19, which I think hits you as well. D8

30:17

plus 3, which is 9. Wait, importantly,

30:19

am I still a werewolf? 18, 17, ugh, are

30:22

you still a werewolf?

30:23

Why is that important? Because I would get half

30:25

the biting damage, because of my resistance.

30:27

No, because of your resistance. You would, yeah, this

30:29

is normal for the melee. Unfortunately, the pseudopad,

30:31

oh, this is embarrassing for you. It's

30:33

a magical attack, which means that you take full damage,

30:36

which means it's 17 points. And let's not forget the acid

30:38

damage as well, because apparently I'm

30:40

not doing enough damage in this. And you guys are all level 10

30:43

and I'm developing just a little bit of a sort

30:45

of irritation at the

30:46

cockiness of all of this. So we're just gonna upgrade

30:48

the monsters as we go. You see what I mean, though, Dave? You see what I mean? And

30:51

the one I watched, he was like, oh,

30:53

now you're in a flowery meadow. You know what I mean? It's

30:55

just... That's what we could do. We could just be in a flowery

30:57

meadow. 19 points of damage. Four of

30:59

them acid. I mean, you did say that one

31:02

was boring. It was extremely boring and

31:04

so earnest. And I think

31:06

all of them would be a really bad hang, if I'm honest. Freezoh,

31:08

can you quickly... Did they talk a lot about eating pussy on

31:10

their one-lord? Not from what I watched,

31:12

but... Freezoh,

31:15

I need you to make me an escape check, DC-13. Escape

31:18

check? It can be athletics or acrobatics,

31:20

which it could be... Sorry, not

31:21

you, no, Bobby, I apologise. Oh, right. And

31:24

it's, uh... The pseudopod wraps around you. You

31:26

rolled a one. I got to roll again, cos I'm a halfling

31:28

and a markie. And that's

31:30

a 20.

31:31

Alright, a 20. As the

31:33

pseudopod wraps itself around you, but Bobby manages to twist

31:36

and fling himself free, his hand comes

31:39

out of the maw at the last second as he scatters to the side,

31:41

but his lockpicks scatter

31:42

onto the ground. He's disarmed. He

31:44

is currently being pinned

31:46

in the corner by a giant mimic chest that

31:48

is already descending

31:49

upon him. Freezoh, you are up next.

31:52

Freezoh is... Freezoh can't do spells.

31:54

So Freezoh will now attack the mimic... Freezoh can do

31:57

some spells. He can't do spells that have verbal components.

31:59

Yeah, but I don't... know which one's a witch so I'm just gonna

32:01

attack the mimic now

32:03

is Bobby inside the mimic he's just grappled by it no he's

32:05

so he's not inside anyone so I'm just

32:07

gonna attack the mimic with

32:10

my sword now is the mimic like the

32:12

ones in like

32:14

is the mimic like the ones in Dark Souls so it's on legs and

32:17

it's all gangly and tall or is it like this one has

32:19

squat little legs I think of a huge pseudopod

32:21

tongue

32:21

all right I'm going to swipe it it's

32:24

like me I guess with my sword and

32:26

that is a 17 minus

32:30

one is 16 that hits that hits all right

32:32

great fuck yeah I'll do I'll work out my damage while you

32:34

do the next thing okay great when that case Logan you're up

32:37

so you've given me like three pages of spells

32:40

no is that you're a druid but these aren't all the spells that

32:42

you know these

32:43

are the spells you know these are the spells that you've necessarily

32:45

memorized okay what if I memorized it you

32:50

can't I've been playing piano for this podcast

32:52

for like four years I don't know how to fucking play

32:54

and you're right I'm not gonna hold you to the same standard

32:56

that I'm gonna hold him to thank

32:58

you that's no you know what I'm going to say

33:01

see these ones you got these little lines yeah I put a line the

33:03

ones I liked

33:06

and this little picture of a tree that's

33:08

just a picture of a tree I

33:11

call him leaf boy you haven't picked it you

33:13

haven't picked your spell so for this combat you can

33:15

cast spells up to you you run out of spells

33:18

slots so any spells I'll just use

33:20

thorn whip I'll use thorn whip all right

33:22

okay I can use yeah okay I'm gonna

33:24

do charm monster okay great that's nine

33:27

damage by the way Dave nine thank you very much now

33:30

you guys know how to play the

33:32

game just give me a second it's all right

33:34

no it's no it's not to you it's a spell DC the

33:36

monster rolls a three and it

33:38

turns and it is plique placated and it opens

33:40

up a big toothy smile as gold

33:42

coins spill out from its more and it is

33:45

charmed it was friendly to you and starts waddling

33:47

towards you slowly Logan

33:50

but even as it does the table sitting

33:52

next to you in the bookshelf rear

33:55

forward on their stubby little legs and they

33:57

start attacking to all of the furniture

33:59

in the room starts to to life the

34:01

chained library swiping

34:03

at you filled rolling

34:05

a 16 which is not enough to hit you and

34:08

the animated table attacks

34:10

you freezo and gets a 17 is that

34:13

enough yes that'll hit all right

34:15

you take 2d8 plus 4 bludgeoning damage

34:17

could you watch Beauty of the Beast the other

34:19

day I it's just it's a good film

34:22

right because it's funny and it

34:24

makes you laugh but at the same time it's

34:26

they're nice to each other did you watch be my guest

34:28

and be like I wish they just killed him killed

34:30

her it's I always it wasn't a scene

34:32

of dancing 13 points of damage

34:35

and Bethany you're up next well I don't have

34:37

my my sheet well allow me to give you

34:46

my okay so

34:49

what can you what do I have any spells

34:51

she has her holy event then your long sword she has

34:53

all of her smite magic she has her spit

34:56

in fact I have

34:56

a spell book for you you can have if you want as well

34:59

great thank you it's

35:04

good I just can't fucking win good

35:06

I'm just concentrating I do appreciate it thank

35:08

you for you put all my spells into a little book

35:11

and I sorted them alphabetically thank you

35:13

Dave that's really nice by level I'm

35:15

sorry Dave I appreciate it can I

35:18

cast a Jew enemy

35:20

that seems like something that would be good on creatures

35:22

yeah you can have drew one of them I don't know what it means

35:24

but I'm gonna drew the heck out of him which

35:28

one are you abjuring

35:29

oh they are the mimic that's got Bobby all

35:31

right you pull out your holy symbol which is of course a

35:33

scarred amulet of pay law that

35:35

you have yourself defiled as you did

35:38

cast your faith away and

35:40

the creature has to take a wisdom saving throw

35:42

which is you know they do not have high wisdom these are dumb

35:45

stupid animated and you got disadvantage because you're

35:47

a your fiend or an undead if you're a box with a big

35:49

tongue no

35:54

but the creature is smart enough to be frightened

35:56

and it is frightened of you as you said this

35:58

was the table Or

36:00

the bookshelf. Yeah, no I said it was the mimic. The

36:02

mimic. The mimic that was friendly. All right. Suddenly

36:05

the mimic. Me just charming, high-fiving one of

36:07

them. Yeah, and the same one that

36:10

Bethany then frightens and terrifies, sending

36:12

very mixed messages to a very simple

36:14

creature. It's good cop, bad cop. As it breaks free

36:17

of your charm because it's now frightened, and

36:19

it starts trying to run away from the room. Unfortunately,

36:21

the person in the corner of the room is Bobby, so

36:23

it runs past Bobby. Bobby, make for

36:25

me a dexterity save. That's

36:28

a 19. And you make your way out of the way as

36:31

the creature runs into the fireplace

36:33

in the center of the room, throws itself into it, and

36:36

disappears down into the sub-levels of the

36:38

tower. But the library

36:40

is still there and is savaging Freezo.

36:44

Freezo, I think. Oh, no, no, this is now Phil just go.

36:47

Phil just so mad that she's

36:50

being shown up by furniture. She goes to a rage.

36:53

And she attacks the table with her

36:55

thunders awake. Make the attack.

36:58

Two attacks. Yes. Oh,

37:01

one of them's a 20 and one's an 18. So

37:04

that means that that's a critical attack. You have improved

37:07

vicious criticals because you're a barbarian, so that means

37:09

you roll an extra dice for damage. Oh,

37:11

an extra dice for both? Or is it just one of them? Just

37:14

for the critical? Oh, yeah,

37:16

cool, cool. All right, so that is 22

37:19

damage.

37:25

All right, 22 points of damage. The table cracks

37:27

asunder as you pull out your giant war hammer. You smash

37:30

it into the ther. The sound of the giant's roars

37:32

out as your magical weapon obliterates.

37:35

The table destroys it. Now only the chained

37:37

library is still there, just flailing

37:40

out chains towards you, Freezo, trying to bind you

37:42

with the chained books that are wrapped

37:45

inside its shelves. And it attacks

37:47

you again. And this time it rolls 23. Now

37:51

I need you to make an escape check yourself, DC-14. That's

37:59

an A-20. Yeah! Alex

38:01

didn't fact check that. Yeah, I fact checked it.

38:04

Freezo pulls himself free as you do

38:06

and the panic and the adrenaline because it was a critical means

38:09

that you suddenly find with the volume

38:11

of vocal strength that you did not know

38:13

that you had as you push it through your tortured vocal chords and

38:16

you find voice of a sort returning to you. Suck

38:18

it Dave! Here's what Freezo

38:21

says with all of his might. Screaming to

38:23

the heavens. And now it's your

38:25

turn. Oh my turn? How many baddies

38:27

are there left Dave? It's just this bookshelf. And

38:31

the bookshelf, fuck it, I'm gonna go all out

38:33

on the bookshelf. I'm gonna do Hexblade

38:35

Curse the bookshelf as a bonus

38:38

action and then I'm going,

38:40

sorry, yeah and then I'm gonna attack with my sword.

38:43

Alright, make the attack rolls for me. Yeah,

38:45

that's a 16, does that hit? Yeah, I'm a class 14,

38:48

that hits. Fuck yeah, alright, I'm

38:50

either gonna do all my damage to that,

38:52

fuck yes. That

38:54

is 9 plus 10 damage plus 5 plus 4 bonus damage.

39:01

Couldn't escape. So plus 5 psychic

39:03

damage, that 19. Alright, in that case you've reached

39:05

forward, you scream, the chains split asunder as

39:07

you take your 9 live stealer

39:09

long sword and your eyes glow

39:12

and your voice is redolent and slightly reedy

39:14

because it's injured but just as is on

39:16

your side as you tear into the bookshelf, splitting

39:19

the books aside and it falls

39:21

back against the wall. Just in time for you

39:24

Logan to make your attack. I whip out

39:26

my thorn whip. And

39:28

you make your attack too, Logan joins the attack, roll for

39:30

me very very quickly. 17 plus 4. It's a 17, it's

39:32

a hit as well which means with another 8, 14 points

39:35

of damage, the bookshelf is defeated,

39:37

books fly everywhere and one of them falls

39:39

in your feet free zone. A

39:42

book that is written on the top of it, the very secret

39:44

and special spell book of

39:47

Corbin 6th of the

39:49

line of the blackstaff tower brackets

39:52

warlock closed brackets. Ho

39:55

ho ho ho ho. So you can

39:57

add that, this is his own personal

39:59

spell book. Fuck Dave,

40:01

yes. But not only that, as

40:03

the bookshelf is broken, you can see that

40:06

as in the space in the wall where it

40:08

has ripped itself out from its bearings,

40:10

there is a secret stairway leading

40:13

past the general spiral staircase

40:15

of the room

40:16

and off in a direction that seems impossible

40:18

because this is a small tower and

40:20

these stairs lead off to the north improbably.

40:24

Huh. Sometimes the least

40:26

probable thing

40:28

happens. Dude,

40:31

you drank- And you did drink the orange juice, right?

40:34

Yeah, but like I still learned some stuff.

40:37

What color is the soul? Ends

40:40

on whose soul it is, baby. Fuck,

40:42

man, he's deep. Shall

40:45

we go up the staircase? Yeah. All

40:47

right, you head up the stairs and inside you find yourselves

40:49

in what looks like a magical laboratory,

40:52

some warlock. What

40:55

word would you use? I just think it's funny because

40:57

to me laboratories are pretty magical on their

40:59

own. This

41:02

is the lab of a powerful warlock, no doubt. Corbin's

41:07

own

41:07

sanctum. You can see it's dominated

41:10

by tables of strange obscure

41:11

equipment. Yes. That'd be all

41:13

kinds of weird magic. There's so much weird kind of equipment.

41:15

And I believe you promised a certain Alex

41:17

Lee a dip in the fucking bag, bro. And

41:19

a tip to character that's two tips in the bag. That's

41:22

not how that works. Two

41:25

Ds, two Bs. I will say, don't. I'm

41:28

gonna keep my word and I'm going to say that there

41:30

are two things jump out at you at the room. Ah!

41:35

One. I can't switch fault, I don't know. One

41:38

catches your eyes, freezo, and it's a giant

41:40

mirror surrounded

41:41

by scrying equipment that dominates the

41:43

northern wall. Interesting. And the other

41:45

is on a small desk, left a magic item

41:47

that was obviously working on before

41:50

he left for Thay is a small

41:53

wooden box with a question

41:55

mark drawn on it. Ooh! If

41:57

you headbutt it, a coin will come out.

41:59

Totally doing one of these. A dip

42:02

in the bag is what we used to call a random magic item.

42:04

I've got a random magic item generator here, but

42:07

I set up something to give you one, and you have to decide

42:09

if it's for Bethany or if it's for Phil Jallax.

42:13

Oh, don't make me choose on International

42:16

Women's Day. Oh! Get

42:22

him out, get it. Bethany's already got a lot of

42:24

shit and a wonderful spell book

42:26

in alphabetical order. My goodness, what a

42:28

lucky gal.

42:30

Ha ha ha! So

42:34

Phil Jallax lunges forward and

42:36

picks up the box. All right, rolling

42:39

now.

42:40

And Phil Jallax's hands

42:42

reach into the box and

42:45

you feel something small and rectangular.

42:49

As you pull it out of the box,

42:51

you can see that it is itself a box

42:53

of an old box. Box in box? And

42:56

then you pass it to the next person as the music keeps

42:58

going. Painted in bright

43:00

red and gold pigment and

43:04

it's filled with paste boards. And as you

43:06

look underneath them, you can see what looked like old

43:08

Taroka tarot cards, 12 or 13

43:11

of them. I like the noise the

43:14

audience is making. Because

43:15

before he left for Thay,

43:18

Corbin had assembled 13 of the 22 major

43:20

arcana of

43:23

a

43:24

deck of many things.

43:26

A very powerful magic item. Draw

43:29

a card and something happens. It

43:31

can be good, it can be bad.

43:34

This is not magic that is given

43:36

lightly to an idiot. The

43:38

tip of the bag is gonna dip in her bag. But

43:40

the dice don't lie and they have decreed

43:43

that Phil Jallax gets one. And

43:45

who am I to stop them? Dungeon

43:48

master. Meanwhile,

43:56

So what mechanically how does that work? Our roll

43:58

the dice. every time. And

44:01

then just something fucking. And it makes something happen? It

44:03

makes something happen. And does Filge have any control over

44:05

which one she picks or what? No, no, you draw a card

44:07

from the deck. If you just look at the nothing happens, but if

44:09

you draw a card randomly, something

44:12

happens. She

44:12

does. Sorry,

44:15

it's Filge. She does that. But well,

44:17

you know what actually like really breaks my heart

44:20

is like

44:21

this is one of the few times

44:23

in Dragon Friends we would actually need a magician.

44:27

Yeah. And yet every

44:29

magician we've ever met, I've met. Yeah.

44:32

Hey, me and me are wizard. I

44:35

think she would, if Filge picked up a mysterious

44:37

deck of cards, she would immediately

44:39

pull a card from the deck. Yeah, I can

44:42

see her doing that. And so she does. Okay.

44:51

All right, roll for me. Thank you.

44:53

I, it's this. Oh, pretty. Roll

44:55

for me a number between one and 13. So 20 side

44:58

of dice, re-roll if you get higher. 15, 18, six.

45:07

Six, okay, you rolled a six. So well, Filge

45:10

immediately uses the high powered

45:12

relic. Obviously. Freezo, you're

45:15

drawn to the mirror. You can see

45:17

that this is a powerful scrying artifact. And

45:19

as you do, Gribbets is walking up to you

45:21

and he wordlessly hands you a

45:23

tome of skin and steel

45:26

to hold. Okay, so I'm going to take

45:28

the grimoire. Yep. And

45:30

I'm going to say into the mirror, all right, Cerebro.

45:38

Do I put on a helmet, Dave? You

45:41

take your hand. I just wish everyone at home could see how tight

45:43

Dave's lips just went. Come

45:46

on, this is just fantasy Cerebro.

45:49

You put on the weird helmet that

45:52

is inexplicably linked to the mirror and you take

45:54

your

45:54

hand and you place it on the mirror

45:57

itself. And suddenly the mirror

45:59

goes frosty. and cloudy and then it blinks

46:02

into light and you can see a brilliant

46:04

star map of the nine known worlds, all worlds

46:06

known and unknown. But the contract

46:08

glows, a power pulses through you

46:11

and then you can see those worlds being linked

46:13

together, maps being drawn,

46:16

stitched into the very phlogiston itself,

46:18

that border liminal between worlds as

46:20

you see images start to dart

46:23

to the surface. You see for a second

46:25

beyond the bluffs of chance what seems to

46:28

be a powerful warlord's castle

46:30

where a tribe of lions feast with

46:32

their king, a massive feline barbarian who roars

46:35

at the sky daring all who would defy

46:37

him. The image shifts again to a feline

46:40

signature of tiny, possibly

46:42

South African pseudo-dragon energy flitting

46:44

backwards and forwards across a map to serve

46:46

his many, many infernal masters and

46:48

it flicks again to show finally

46:51

in this world, the world that you know on the outskirts

46:53

of Anorok, the desert perilous, a

46:55

tiny grave, lost

46:58

in the ravages of time with no headstone

47:01

other than a beautiful Barovian sword

47:04

stabbed into the ancient desert

47:07

sand. And as you

47:08

process this, there is a crack

47:11

and a wump sound as 25,000 gold coins fall

47:15

from the

47:15

sky around village. The

47:21

table has been set, the adventure has been ordained,

47:24

the path will be long and perilous

47:26

for there is much to do. Find Bushu,

47:29

find Kit, find Baston

47:32

and save not just this

47:34

adventure, not just your own life

47:37

but perhaps the life of an adventuring party

47:39

who are just doing their best, bringing their

47:41

friend back to life when they signed a pact

47:43

that they shouldn't. And that adventuring party was of

47:45

course called the Beef Babes who

47:47

should never ever ever have run

47:49

into the dragon friends. Thank

47:52

you!

47:56

and

48:00

Tom Cardin. Our Dungeon Master is Dave

48:02

Harmon with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins

48:05

and Live Accompanements by Nick Harriot. Shakira

48:07

Khan is our producer, podcast editor mixed

48:10

and mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and

48:12

new episodes are recorded

48:13

live in the Vanguard and Sydney on Gadigal

48:15

Land in the Doryno Show. Until next time.

48:27

Are

48:27

you still famous? A little bit.

48:29

There was there was someone in a German coffee

48:31

shop and I was like oh as if it's

48:33

followed me here. Have you checked your bar mieres?

48:35

Yeah. Ah,

48:38

it's the man, yeah! Butthole boy!

48:40

Butthole! Ah, you're a cunt, yes!

48:43

I'm like can I use card? Like why don't you in

48:45

your butthole? You're

48:47

funny.