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1:04

So I want Dave to say picture if you will,

1:06

and then everyone to say we will. Okay?

1:10

So you start it like that. You

1:13

go picture if you will, and then they

1:15

go we will, and

1:16

then you go into your dumb little thing. Okay?

1:19

But we'll all listen extra hard. Extra hard

1:21

because we'll be so energized. Okay, ready?

1:24

Here we go. It's going to be great. It's actually

1:27

going to be great, and we're going to do it every time. Picture

1:43

if you will. We will!

1:46

A proud Leonine warrior,

1:49

true and noble specimen of his race,

1:51

rippling in the summer breeze

1:54

of a hot, aresky sun,

1:56

for it is Kit Gingison first and

1:59

last.

1:59

of his name, he who arrived

2:02

as an orphan, he who came to these lands

2:04

with nothing, he who rose to

2:06

the august power of speaker

2:09

and warfather of the assembled

2:11

tribes of the Oreskes, he who

2:13

dances with wolves, he who shouts

2:16

at the sun, he who

2:18

at last sees once again

2:20

his former compatriot and

2:23

one-time betrayer, Bethany

2:26

Smiles. Well,

2:30

well, well. Bethany,

2:36

if I may ask you some questions.

2:43

If I were to say the word,

2:48

beef, to you, what

2:50

would you think of? Perhaps you'd think of the flesh

2:53

of cattle.

2:55

Meat, often assumed

2:58

by the general populace, an everyday

3:00

word, a word you might hear two or

3:02

three times a day, especially on a big

3:04

restaurant. Probably more.

3:08

He's been rehearsing this for a while.

3:11

I'll ask the questions. But

3:16

perhaps that word has

3:19

an extra meaning when, coupled

3:22

with another word, beau

3:25

bonjour! Babe,

3:30

in common parlance, what

3:33

we might call a hottie or an actual

3:36

baby. Thank you,

3:38

sweetie. What

3:40

did you say? I said thank you, sweetie. Dosa

3:44

blows you a kiss. When

3:51

these two words, beef and

3:53

babe, are placed in that precise

3:56

order one after the other, chills, I

3:58

got chills. What does it make you think? Does

4:00

it make you think of loyalty,

4:04

friendship, or

4:07

even love? For me personally,

4:11

one time it

4:13

did. But

4:18

as I look at you I see your bitterness

4:21

smiles that those

4:24

two words evoke betrayal,

4:29

greed,

4:32

downright bad

4:34

behaviour, a

4:36

poor attitude. All

4:40

the words are popping up on a PowerPoint

4:42

behind him. He's had

4:44

a lot of time to plan this and he's

4:46

hired a local wizard to create a compelling

4:49

audio visual display. There's a red circle

4:51

of carpet that kid is giving this speech on

4:53

like a tentacle. There's also got to be proof

4:55

of about six leonine dancers who

4:58

are doing a movement piece to this entire

5:00

speech. And you can see there's a very obviously

5:03

like a sort of cable thing because he's going to fly

5:05

off. Right

5:07

through the kinetic text. He's

5:10

saying that Bobby was so upset

5:13

that he wasn't able to fly that Simon's other character's here

5:15

has now rigged himself into the rafters

5:17

to fly. Bethany

5:22

smiles. I present you

5:24

to the court. Court, this

5:27

is Bethany smiles. Everybody

5:30

boo! No,

5:32

no, no, no, no, no. Let us

5:34

reserve our judgment. For

5:37

we know that Bethany smiles

5:39

is a warrior.

5:40

She is a paladin. Is she a paladin?

5:43

Yes. This

5:45

is your best friend. But

5:51

who is Bethany smiles? And

5:54

more importantly,

5:56

where has

5:59

Bethany smiled? miles,

6:01

been these

6:02

past many

6:05

years.

6:07

And at that moment he flies

6:09

into the air as

6:12

the kinetic text

6:14

explodes into brilliant pieces

6:16

of confetti and he drones fly

6:18

up. And twelve very thin very

6:20

hot leonine dancers all

6:23

form the shape of a perfect swan that rises

6:25

into the air and dies.

6:28

At the end of it they're

6:31

like the culmination of their work. It's

6:35

kind of like the menu they just kill them. Oh,

6:38

spoilers. I'll tell you

6:40

where I have been. Where have

6:42

you been?

6:44

That's what you say at the end of all that.

6:46

Obviously,

6:46

obviously

6:48

he's talking to Bethany but you at that

6:50

point. I've been being like a chorus. Yeah,

6:53

I'm getting in. Where have

6:55

you been? Oh

6:57

he's beastly boinking you. Darling

7:00

are you a little beastly boister in front of my

7:02

son? I always think he was more of

7:05

a Rodney Dangerfield situation. He's Rodney

7:07

Dangerfielding you. Please

7:10

take my wife.

7:18

Bethany, hung as he is suspended

7:20

over all of you in an uncomfortable flying harness. He's

7:25

staring daggers at you. And

7:28

also the circulation in his shoulders is slowly

7:30

cutting out. Where have I been?

7:33

You are vis-a-vis me?

7:35

There's a squeaky winching wheel down

7:37

as he's lowered down in front of the throne again.

7:39

And then she gestures for the spotlight guy to put it

7:42

on her.

7:45

Well may you ask,

7:47

Kit Jin just said, for

7:50

I in my darkest hour

7:52

had to face the gods.

7:54

There's a Leonin keyboard player in

7:56

the corner as well. Thank

7:57

you Jeremy.

8:00

Yes, perfect.

8:05

And in my darkest hours, I

8:07

could not bring my best friend with me. Because

8:10

I knew, as he saw that darkness,

8:12

you would not return.

8:15

What darkness? I saw freezor!

8:18

We know the darkest person

8:20

that we have ever in our lives ever met,

8:23

if I can put up with this

8:25

motherfucker right here. You

8:27

think I couldn't? At

8:30

least hear what you had to say. I

8:33

had an audience with the gods. Twice, I

8:36

rebuffed the charity of the gods. They

8:38

offered me this on a silver

8:40

platter. And I said, my

8:43

place is

8:44

with my family. And when I returned,

8:49

my family, my friends,

8:53

had disappeared. And

8:57

then... How did he turn into fur? I'm

9:00

down here. Oh, shit! And

9:03

Doja goes, very good theatrical effect. Doja

9:06

goes, that was so good, she hands him a drink bottle. And

9:09

dabs at his, um, brow. And

9:12

then I go, oh, they had confetti on fans.

9:14

And then they turned the fans on. That's clever.

9:19

I will tell you, you speak

9:21

to me of family.

9:24

I will tell you the true meaning of beef, babe.

9:26

Beef!

9:28

And in blood, and

9:31

babes, and in family.

9:34

We are more than fools.

9:36

We are bound by blood. And

9:40

I had something else to say about that too.

9:42

That's right! Jeremy,

9:46

vamp!

9:47

I said vamp,

9:49

Jeremy!

9:52

Nice. Well,

9:56

I come from a... It's

10:00

seriously moving. All

10:03

I say to you is this. We are bound

10:05

by blood and sometimes as

10:06

family you have to let them go on a home journey.

10:09

I'm sorry that it hurt you. I truly am.

10:12

But I come back to you now with a weight

10:14

that wears down

10:17

both of our backs.

10:19

The only weight

10:21

on my back is his harness. He

10:24

shrugs it off.

10:27

I return to tell you that the time

10:29

has come for us too.

10:30

And then she gestures to the dragon friends to

10:33

cover their

10:33

ears. Probably

10:36

kill the dragon friends. That's

10:38

them. You

10:40

can uncover your ears now.

10:42

What is all that about? But

10:45

first we must

10:47

break the curse.

10:48

Then you may go your separate ways. If

10:51

you wish to not be friends with me or break your

10:53

tie with me as your family, then you

10:55

shall go on. But for now, we

10:58

must join together. Kit

11:01

roars. He lets loose

11:03

his Leonine roar. Yep, your special bonus

11:05

ability.

11:05

And is he still wearing his mic? Because

11:08

that's going to affect our loudest. He's

11:10

going to blow it right out. The sound guy's

11:12

like, oh we just bloody did this, Joffence. That's

11:14

a 19. Alright, 19. Everyone, the entire

11:17

assembled court, will take a step back as their first

11:19

and proudest speaker. And

11:22

at this moment you can command them to do whatever you want.

11:25

Clear the court, except

11:28

for these prisoners.

11:30

Yeah,

11:32

except for me.

11:33

Except for these prisoners.

11:36

For I am about to unleash a

11:38

punishment. So cruel

11:40

and twisted, I would hate for my people

11:42

to see me like this. Being so just... Bad

11:47

and mean. And

11:50

I fear you would lose respect for me. I

11:53

wouldn't lose respect for you, please. I mean, I can

11:55

say... Honey,

11:58

allow me this. And

12:00

such is the power of your apex charisma

12:03

that the entire room clears as

12:05

all of the Leonain file out until it

12:07

is just you, the dragon friends,

12:09

and Bethany and Ribbit, your goblin

12:12

lawyer. Dan! I

12:15

really do think I have broken

12:17

my knee. I don't know if any sort

12:19

of lion doctor can look into that. He's getting very

12:21

pale. He can look into that but

12:24

I didn't walk for quite a while.

12:26

A tremendous amount of pain. That's

12:28

like blacking in and out. But no one has eyes

12:30

for Ribbit. So Kid

12:33

is pushing people out the door and he's

12:35

shouting it behind him. And

12:38

such pain as you will feel

12:40

a thousand

12:43

searing knobs upon your... and he

12:45

slams the door shut and he's like...

12:49

Howdy guys.

12:54

It's a fine coincidence you

12:56

have joined me here on this

12:59

day. You have to get me

13:01

out of here. Kid, what's going

13:03

on buddy? Can't just

13:06

say you really outfit those guys. Yeah,

13:09

it's a whole thing. I truly

13:11

am the warrior king but... What

13:14

have you been using on your hair? It

13:17

looks amazing. It's a whole

13:19

thing. But

13:21

that dojo who I am to

13:24

be married

13:24

to in four

13:27

days, three days.

13:29

Now someone less delicate than

13:31

me may use the term crazy

13:34

pussy which would be asked in

13:37

a number of ways. I

13:39

of course would never say anything like that but

13:43

truly I fear for my life.

13:47

What for what?

13:49

Well, I mean there's a whole

13:51

political thing going on here. Once

13:53

I'm the king she's married to me. Her son

13:56

will be next in line to become

13:58

the king you have to eat the heart of.

13:59

previous king I mean I did

14:02

it it's not pleasant but uh

14:05

you ate the heart of a previous king yeah

14:08

and he was really old yeah

14:10

it was it was tough did you have to kill him or

14:12

did you they just serve it do you go to a restaurant order it how

14:14

did it work? I pulled it from his chest I've had a

14:16

dark couple of years I mean

14:19

some of that stuff I said before Bethany

14:21

I'm serious it hurt

14:25

what hurt? betrayal

14:28

friendship lost etc etc

14:31

just to be clear though that's mostly aimed at Bethany

14:33

and not me Frieza I mean you disappeared without

14:35

a trace even before her if I'm to be remembering

14:38

correctly so I don't

14:40

know if that is correct I think actually what happened was

14:43

I went to a magic library and stole a bunch

14:45

of spells and disappeared is that what happened? It's so

14:47

funny we're talking about unbearable

14:49

pay well

14:56

kid

14:56

I have a way to get you out of here

14:59

do tell it's a little thing

15:01

called

15:03

flight Bobby

15:07

it's theme comes out of his ears I have the

15:09

ability to grant one person

15:19

flight when I cast it on myself

15:22

so you could we could pass it on you you could

15:24

fly far away and not murder

15:26

me one of the dragon friends

15:29

so that's an option to you if you'd like to do that

15:34

murder the the dreams

15:38

this is

15:39

the woman

15:41

in the dark in the dreams beckoning me

15:43

to my this is that

15:48

now that you get closer you can see that there are even

15:50

although he looks so proud and sleek and strong

15:52

there are deep circles under kitchen just in size

15:55

I

15:56

mean this is this is fur

15:58

and

15:59

So to be able to see dark circles, that's something.

16:05

It's not mascara, if that's what you're asking. Some

16:07

of it is mascara,

16:09

some of it is cold. You know Jason

16:11

Momoa? But

16:14

also, it is now for months, getting

16:16

stronger and stronger, you have not been able to sleep. Partly

16:19

because you are scared of the power that Doshya has over the court,

16:22

over you, over her plans to usurp

16:24

you and take your place over the time

16:26

that she could do to those that you still love in this

16:28

land, if she is allowed to rule. But

16:31

also at night, deep at night, every

16:33

night you find yourself walking on a desert shore in

16:35

a river towards a woman in a veil and

16:38

every night you get closer and every night it seems

16:40

that she is about to turn and last week

16:42

in your dreams she began to turn and you

16:45

know that soon you will see the face of Listeria

16:47

Obstrix and you will be damned for all time

16:49

in the Ninth Circle of Hell.

16:52

Yes, we have no time. My favourite

16:54

too. My favourite too. There is a banging on

16:56

the door. Kenan,

16:58

Kenan, are you kind of

17:00

dishing out a horrible

17:02

punishment because we have the waltz

17:05

rehearsal. A waltz rehearsal.

17:08

Yes sugar puss. And

17:12

he goes and opens it and he is like keep this on. We

17:14

are going to work on it. Oh

17:17

Doshya, the light of my life. Yes,

17:20

yes, yes, yes, yes,

17:22

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I

17:24

love the boogie. I love the nightlife.

17:27

Let's, let's, now as

17:30

an addendum to the punishment, sakic that

17:32

dished out to these pretness

17:35

bands. Oh yeah, they look like

17:37

shit. What further humiliation

17:39

could I dwell upon them than

17:41

to serve me

17:44

as toilet servants?

17:47

They are this. These

17:49

are my new minutes. One of the lines

17:52

is like I'm sorry.

17:53

You want them to

17:56

serve you as toilet servants? These are

17:59

my...

17:59

I knew litter men. They

18:02

are to wipe and pamper me. But

18:05

literal toilet servants. Yeah.

18:08

This is what- Do we all get toilet

18:10

servants? I am

18:12

your king! Only I deserve

18:14

such pampering

18:17

of the butthole. But you have

18:19

toilet servants and they're union

18:22

men. And

18:24

they shall become managers and

18:27

me- They don't work with management.

18:29

That's the whole point.

18:31

Surely internally they have some sort of

18:34

management system who creates the rosters.

18:39

They don't do it themselves, it will be chaos. Surely

18:42

they're somewhat in a position whom is making

18:44

decisions, allocating roles, etc.

18:47

etc. Look, I'm the- Look,

18:50

the fact of the matter is that we barely got everything under

18:52

control. It's a punishment. I ate

18:54

some bad lobsters. Then

18:58

that is my decree. Yes,

19:02

we will take them away. That's very, very

19:04

smart and not weird. To be toilet

19:07

servants. Take

19:09

them away. I need them on hand because

19:11

I've got a bad tummy.

19:13

Mum, just let me eat his heart. I

19:16

swear to God he's losing it. No,

19:19

no, it's fine. It's fine. We can make use

19:22

of these people. It's fine. We

19:24

have the wedding rehearsal in a day. We'll

19:26

find something to do and then they can be toilet servants.

19:29

Dave, Freezo would like to do a law

19:31

check. Is that like a history

19:34

check? Like a culture check? What would it be? Law?

19:37

No, history. Freezo is going to roll a history check. Do you want

19:39

to ask me a question first? Do you want to know about the bluffs of chance?

19:41

I want to know about the Leonid people. Yeah,

19:44

great. Make for me a history check. We'll

19:46

call it DC 16. 16, that's history

19:49

is plus seven, so 14 plus seven is 21. What

19:51

do you want to know here? I would like to know

19:54

if the ceremony involves

19:56

the eating of a king's heart to become

19:59

king. Yes.

19:59

I would like to know if that's open to only

20:02

Leonines or anyone. As

20:06

the Leonine custom dictates, and it

20:08

has been this way since the sundering of the nine

20:10

known worlds, that if

20:13

whoever eats the heart of the king,

20:15

whoever stands in the seat of grass and song, the

20:18

fortress that you are, and in front of

20:20

the assembled clans, eats

20:22

the heart of the king, shall be king. And

20:24

it has always been a Leonine

20:27

warrior, but there is nothing to say that

20:29

it has to be. So in the rules, if we check the rules... You

20:32

bear but it is. There's

20:34

nothing in the rules

20:36

that a potentially Chinese person can be given.

20:39

Can't play baseball. Oh!

20:44

So... Yes, oh, we would... That wasn't

20:46

out loud, by the way. That

20:49

wasn't out loud. But this is. Freezers.

20:52

Freezers.

20:52

That wasn't out loud.

20:55

You didn't hear what I was thinking, okay?

20:57

No one heard what I was thinking. I'm

21:01

freezers. Oh,

21:05

we would... Oh, what did we... Oh, we

21:07

would just hate to have to wipe that

21:09

guy's bum hole for

21:10

a job.

21:12

Yes, that's why it's such a good punishment.

21:15

Yeah, me. That's why he's so wise. Me, who

21:17

hates to look at that big strong lion's

21:19

butt. It has been, by the way, taken away by

21:21

six buff dudes who were taking him to his

21:23

bachelor party. But that's the waltz

21:26

rehearsal! No, no, Dosh is still there. The

21:28

waltz rehearsal is in an hour. Okay. So

21:31

he's going to his bachelor party for an hour. And also, actually,

21:33

do you know what? Yeah, all of his bachelor party.

21:36

It sucks. It's really... It's one round

21:38

of axe throwing. It's 20 minutes of axe

21:40

throwing and then 15 minutes of laser tag. And

21:46

the rest of that is a safety briefing for both. But

21:51

next to Dosh is a small

21:54

bird with a big beak, I suppose, and

21:56

a clipboard. Would

21:58

you say that he maybe had a...

21:59

and served a king with quite so little

22:02

hair and he has let me tell

22:04

you he has a withering look as if he

22:06

would be anywhere else right now. Yeah

22:09

I've got a lovely bunch of goats in

22:11

there. Ah well

22:14

well well it looks like

22:16

are you here for the registry because the

22:18

um

22:20

the yard is gone there's

22:21

a laser pointer available

22:23

and also a little wind up mouse. I

22:29

was wondering if he would be in the house. It cost a thousand gold credits. Is

22:32

the catnip still available? The

22:34

catnip was gone long ago. No

22:36

no zuziaks. These

22:41

mortals are to work for you as part of their punishment.

22:43

They're great humiliations for the warfather.

22:46

Oh brother. Anyway

22:50

I have to go to a solo

22:52

waltz rehearsal so goodbye

22:54

and she leaves. She's got her hour long hand knife.

22:57

She's got her hour long hand knife. She's

22:59

going to drink from a big penis straw. It's 12

23:02

minutes of drinking from a big penis straw up because

23:04

it's a cat penis. Come

23:06

on Dave, why? Why

23:10

are you taking half of your body and

23:12

half

23:12

of your enemies? That actually had

23:14

the exact same

23:17

ratio as Applelet

23:19

but completely different people. There

23:22

was no crossover. But now

23:24

we've got them all. We've got them

23:26

all. All 40% of them. And

23:29

in her absence the zuziaks

23:32

is looking at, well not gribbits because

23:34

he's passed down on the floor, but at

23:36

Philge, at Frizo, at Bobby

23:39

and at

23:40

Bethany and also at Logan. This

23:42

has come at an opportune time I'll

23:45

be honest with you. The

23:47

wedding rehearsal is tomorrow and several

23:50

of our staff have come down with

23:52

bad arseholes.

23:53

Oh

23:56

no! We still doing the toilet

23:58

clean at the end of the day?

23:59

Well, before

24:02

you clean the toilet,

24:06

you can fill in for them.

24:08

You want me to poop in

24:10

the toilet? No, I don't want you to do anything with the

24:12

toilet. I've got a toilet tester, I guess. I

24:15

mean it takes all time, so you've got to get a place rather than... I can literally hear

24:17

people in the audience groaning. I just want to be clear

24:19

about... What do you want us to do? What's the job? Be

24:21

specific, I need clear direction. Well,

24:25

we... We

24:28

have the wedding rehearsal tomorrow

24:30

night. Tortle! Do

24:32

you have any skills? Absolutely.

24:35

Well... Oh, sorry. Yeah,

24:38

I'm pretty good with magic. I can go

24:41

into my shell and... That's

24:43

not magic, that's just going to your place.

24:45

That was two separate things. I can go over there. Yeah,

24:48

well great, that's not a trick. I was saying there were two

24:51

separate things. Oh, right. Well, hang

24:53

on. Is one of your skills just going

24:55

into your shell? Can you go into your shell? Okay.

25:01

You shall be the entertainment. You!

25:06

Which one of me are you looking at? Big

25:08

dumb one. Oh, yeah. Can you... can you wait? Forever.

25:17

Phil's takes a tactical second to reply. How

25:19

was that?

25:20

Mika

25:23

de l'Ogge. You

25:27

are security. Aha.

25:31

You failed at being a

25:34

waiter, unfortunately.

25:37

Anyone else

25:41

with the ability to maybe mix drinks

25:44

or serve or... You

25:46

understand what a wedding rehearsal

25:48

requires? Do you need a celebrant?

25:53

Well, the celebrant was one of the people who

25:55

had a bad arsehole. I'm

25:58

not registered.

26:00

It's a rehearsal, it doesn't matter. Yeah, great,

26:02

I'm registered. You know what, you were raised

26:04

in the light of Mistra in a temple? In

26:08

the temple! So yeah, you probably could

26:10

do a service to the god of magic if you needed

26:12

to. I could marry people?

26:14

Are you engaged? Yes. Do

26:17

you want to get married right now?

26:18

Yes. Where's

26:20

your partner? Over

26:22

there. Hello! Is

26:25

it a warren? Yeah. A

26:29

bird and a warren! Yeah. Hey, no dogs.

26:32

How did you guys meet? On a boat.

26:36

I'm a sea captain. And

26:38

I... Why would a warren... And a

26:40

warren's not a sea captain. Because a

26:43

warren can clearly already swim

26:45

as far as it wants to go. But I can't

26:47

carry more than two people on my back, so I thought,

26:50

why not get a boat and I can ferry a

26:52

number of people around. And you're a bird!

26:55

You can fly! Yeah. On

26:57

the boat! I was lost! He

27:01

shows up on my poop deck, panting

27:03

and huffing and puffing.

27:05

Like you won't believe it! I'm like,

27:07

can't you fly? He's like, well I'm very tired,

27:08

I've been flying in circles!

27:11

Oh, you love telling this story! And

27:13

so I say...

27:16

Tell him what I say. He

27:20

says to me...

27:22

Tell him how I say it. With

27:25

his eyes all of goo-goo. Like

27:27

love hearts. And his tusks. A

27:30

wreck. A wreck-tusks! He

27:33

says, you're the... Aren't

27:35

you just the prettiest bird...

27:38

Bird I've ever seen! On my poop deck.

27:41

That's crazy. And then he says... Not

27:43

yet. Give it time,

27:45

buy a girl a drink first. I say

27:48

that. So he buys me a drink,

27:50

and we... Goodness! Me

27:53

we fuck. So...

27:56

Late into the night. That's

27:58

a beautiful story. Answer a union.

27:59

video one time

28:00

where a warrest ate a bird just

28:03

straight out of the air like home.

28:04

It was pretty close. Let

28:06

me tell you. Aaaargh!

28:10

Okay, enter Stana. Security.

28:13

Celebrant which leaves Bobby and Bethany.

28:16

Anyway, I now pronounce

28:18

you legally married. Those

28:20

are the most beautiful bows I've ever heard in my life.

28:24

Aaaargh!

28:25

We all wipe our teeth from

28:27

our eyes. Really noisily making out. They

28:30

start going at it.

28:32

Um, and, um, Bobby and I shall pass

28:34

the group because we are really good

28:36

at doing bow ties. Okay

28:39

fine, I don't care. Right,

28:42

so Bethany and Bobby are gonna go. But in the meantime

28:44

you return to the arse wiper's,

28:47

um, area. The

28:50

tastefully appointed arse wiper's

28:52

quarters. Okay, it's a really nice room. I don't

28:54

know why they call it that. They're union

28:57

guys. It's actually really good. It's

28:59

like a vending machine and the copes

29:01

are like 1994 prices. Yeah,

29:05

it's like a dollar a guy. It's a really cheap

29:07

vending machine. And there's good

29:09

TV and there's a DVD lending library.

29:11

Because it's like a union place. Is there like a doctor we

29:13

can see? Yep. Fine.

29:18

Is there like a library I can

29:20

just go hang out in? There's a lending library. Yeah. I'm

29:23

gonna go to the library, Dave. And can I, can Freezo check

29:25

out that mystical book that he got? Yeah,

29:28

if you want to, sure. So he got a mystical

29:31

spell book that he got. You got the spell book of Corbin

29:33

the Ninth Black Dark. You don't need to

29:35

go to a library to read a book that you already,

29:37

you can read that anywhere. Are you gonna put a poo?

29:40

I feel like what, you gotta read it on a toilet

29:42

or something? It's a mystical book. Yeah, no one's ever read a book on

29:44

a toilet before. No, it is a special book. You're

29:48

gonna have like the book of Kells and take that into the

29:50

shitter, are you? This is like a thousand years old.

29:52

Guess what, Michael? You're not the fucking boss of

29:54

Tom Carter. And unfortunately, Michael, what,

29:57

because you've chosen to do this at the library, there's a, there's

29:59

a, it's a small library. There's a narrow bench and

30:01

there are you can wet yourself in between two

30:03

people one of whom is reading

30:06

like a heavily thumbed Light

30:09

piece of kind of light erotica and the other

30:11

one who's reading a Naruto trade

30:13

paperback both called

30:15

day

30:24

Sorry Jackie the

30:27

kids growing up without a dad because

30:30

That killed Dave killed

30:32

him It's

30:38

crazy Dave that was like that was

30:40

like one sentence really, but still was two insults

30:43

for you it was like Honestly,

30:45

it's the most efficient bullying I've ever done Yeah,

30:49

you know what the spellbooks blank oh No

30:53

Dave honestly, I know you don't mean that cuz that wouldn't

30:55

be part of the rich world you're building

30:56

I

30:58

Have no respect Is

31:03

that what's happening Dave is that what you're doing

31:06

is it no not until you say you know you

31:08

can stand up Are

31:08

you gonna piss are you gonna piss on

31:11

that spell book in front of those two days?

31:20

It's actually one of the chapters in the light erotica No

31:24

David the silver blank the spellbook

31:26

no it's not blank. It's not blank. You're gonna read

31:29

it Yeah, I'm gonna have a little squiz All right

31:31

You click it open tool and you see

31:33

turning page after page more and more powerful spells

31:36

it seems a complete Library

31:38

a catalog of all of the most powerful warlock

31:40

spells known and unknown all the spells

31:42

You know but also all the spells you don't as

31:44

you get more and more excited you flick the pages quicker

31:46

and quicker and quicker And make for me a dexterity

31:48

save because 12 pages in

31:51

there is a glyph of blasting a trap

31:53

for one who would steal a spell

31:55

book for one as Powerful as

31:58

Corbett It makes

32:00

you blah. Saving throw, yeah.

32:04

That's a 15 plus dexterity. Staving,

32:07

so plus 3 is 18.

32:08

Plus, this one matters in

32:10

size.

32:13

Yeah. You snapped

32:15

the book shut at the last second. I

32:18

want you to write this down because I'm not going to remind you again, but

32:20

on the 12th page of this spellbook is

32:23

a glyph that will make the entire spellbook

32:25

explode. You can at any time,

32:27

if you can get a Knight off, and remember, you can't get a Knight

32:29

off at the moment because you are currently on a punishment

32:31

detail, but if you can get a Knight off

32:34

to study it, you can take any Warlock

32:36

spells, you can replace your entire catalogue of spells

32:39

and get as many spells of your maximum

32:41

level. Big improvement

32:44

for free though. And I just need to not

32:46

look at that 12th page. You just need to not work

32:48

for 8, well yes, but also you need to not work

32:50

for an 8 hour Knight. You have to get

32:52

a Knight off. Okay. You

32:55

can't do it right now, but you can do it any other time. Unless

32:57

you join the Union. Oh

33:00

yeah, you're going to hit a library card. Now

33:02

while you are doing that, what about the rest of you? So

33:05

where is it in our asswiping quarters? Well,

33:08

yeah, you're in this tastefully appointed asswiping quarters,

33:10

you have a second to yourself. I'm practicing

33:12

card tricks because I refuse to do

33:14

actual magic as an entertainer.

33:16

Are you good at card tricks? No. You're

33:19

going to do every card trick you can learn. You

33:23

can learn in the hour

33:25

before you go on stage. Yeah, so

33:27

most of them involve just

33:30

guessing over and over until you get the

33:32

card right. And

33:35

that will take 52 times maybe. Well,

33:37

if you're exceptionally unlucky. Oh, they are. Yeah.

33:41

Are there any

33:44

guards or anyone to talk to? Yeah, there's

33:46

a guard that has been posted outside your

33:48

door to make sure that you don't leave until the wedding.

33:50

I think we should try and find out some

33:53

information from him about what this political

33:55

situation is.

33:56

Great, you can sidle up to the door if you're not locked.

33:58

I can sidle the hell up to him.

34:03

The worst thing is that you're to work to practice,

34:05

that you're not to leave, that you're to help zuziax

34:08

with the wedding. Oh

34:09

yes, that's what we were doing and we'll also,

34:12

I just wanted to know first of all...

34:13

The worst thing is that you might try to trick me.

34:16

No, no, no. Does the king prefer

34:18

scrunch or fold? What?

34:21

Does

34:21

the king prefer scrunch or fold

34:23

technique for his ass wiping? That

34:25

you're helping on the weddings, that

34:28

punishment is to come later. Well,

34:29

I'm sorry if I'm organised

34:31

and I'd like to plan ahead.

34:33

But also I feel like we got off this riff and

34:35

you're bringing us back into this riff. I was

34:37

going to move up it pretty quickly. Brace

34:40

those towels up and go, I think traditionally cats

34:42

just sort of lick it up, don't they? Oh no! No,

34:46

see, now we're back on the riff. I

34:48

did not invite this. You said the riff and now Hing's got

34:50

to get in on the riff. Anyway. Back of

34:53

the rehearsal, then.

34:54

Yes, we're to help with the wedding and we

34:57

do wish to do a good job.

34:59

So, thank you. The Zuziks says if

35:01

you need any equipment, any

35:03

materials that you need for the wedding, we have

35:05

to assist you but I cannot let you leave. Well,

35:08

we will need some more cards because... I'm

35:10

going to need those small red

35:12

foam balls. Yeah. You're

35:15

kind of a fake thumb but don't tell anyone. All right,

35:18

no. I'm

35:20

going to go to the local LEO 9 Magic

35:22

Shop and get you some small red balls.

35:25

Foam. Foam balls, a

35:27

card and a fake thumb. Yeah, but that thumb is going to

35:29

be big

35:29

and hairy with a claw coming out of it. It's going to

35:32

be exactly the right shade of green. Fine, we'll

35:34

send Jeremy but I can only send him out once. Okay, for

35:36

the ceremony with the celebrant.

35:39

You need more things? I will need a stone

35:41

of good luck, please. A magical

35:44

stone of good luck? Yes. Why?

35:47

Why would you possibly need that? It's a gift for the couple.

35:49

They'll send them on their happy way. Just celebrant gifts

35:51

for the gift. And I need a banoffee pie.

35:55

And a banoffee pie. And

35:57

the pornography. And the pornography.

35:59

I feel like you're saying that to distract

36:02

me from what he said. No, no, it's all on the

36:04

list. All right Well, I've written it

36:06

all down. All right, okay, Jeremy. Here

36:08

you go I need you to run Jeremy run

36:10

like you've never run before Weirdly,

36:13

there's a shop that will sell all this stuff You

36:17

have money you're gonna need money. I mean that's gonna cost a lot of money,

36:19

especially the luckstone You know what? We're

36:21

employees. Well, you're free laces. You're

36:23

not employees. You can put

36:26

it in your invoice

36:26

You're freelancing. Take it out of petty cash.

36:29

This is your

36:29

petty cash. It's your petty cash. You're

36:32

meant to be doing this

36:36

I'm gonna get out the deck of many things

36:40

because

36:40

this distraction isn't working.

36:42

Okay,

36:43

and I'm gonna draw a card. I

36:45

I Just

36:47

want to be clear Okay,

36:50

well you I feel like already

36:52

use coins I don't think you you

36:54

have certainly you have hundreds of gold coins,

36:57

but I'm worried that you don't Respect

37:00

the deck of many things because you were very lucky the first

37:02

time you drew something from it I will

37:04

remind you again This is a powerful magic item

37:06

that Corbin the black staff had in his

37:08

tower and I've actually since bought

37:11

a Copy of the

37:13

toroka deck so you can

37:16

draw a card if you want But these are no

37:18

takes the back seats and they

37:20

will some of them are pretty bad

37:23

You

37:28

made a C&D joke congratulations

37:31

pretty good out pretty good Now

37:33

you can you can draw one a day and

37:36

you haven't drawn one for today Could

37:38

be bad You can

37:40

the top the deck and get him to cut the deck for you. I

37:42

would love to I trust me No

37:47

Dealing from the bottom of the decking

37:52

About that one

37:59

It does look quite sharp and like it would scratch

38:02

your eyes out because it is talons.

38:04

Alright. Oh fuck. The wind

38:06

starts to whip around you as the

38:09

leonines stand bolt upright looking at

38:12

you in horror. He draws back wordlessly

38:14

and starts to wimper before you run

38:17

looking at you panics one more time and runs

38:19

away from you as fast as he can. For

38:22

a second you think that this is very very impressive

38:24

before you notice that there is something

38:28

glowing. Then first of all your armour and

38:30

then moving around your body and can I ask

38:33

as this strange force

38:36

of this ancient magical item hits you, what

38:39

magic items do you have on you at

38:41

the moment? Oh none of your

38:44

business. What magical

38:46

items do I have on me? Does Filge have? No

38:48

wait am I? No

38:51

you gave the Tarot Kedek to Filge. Yes sir I gave it

38:53

to Filge. I've

38:56

got Thunder's Wake and I've got a powerful

38:58

item. Yep. Umm maybe

39:01

Bobbity Boo. I think

39:02

that's it Dave. I think that

39:04

you have that and I think that you also

39:07

have. Oh no

39:09

that's right you don't have much stuff do you?

39:11

Or is it just fun as well? That's

39:13

great.

39:13

Well you stick low as it settles on

39:15

Thunder's Wake you suddenly look at it as

39:18

it starts to glow and then it starts to get heavy

39:20

and hot and then you think you hear a dullers

39:22

cracking sound. And now

39:25

for me in front of everyone here

39:27

roll a six or

39:30

Thunder's Wake is destroyed.

39:33

On which dice? A six sided dice.

39:35

And how many

39:37

can I have? One.

39:42

Six of ten missing. There's

39:47

a crack. There's

39:51

another crack. There

39:54

is a dolling of a bell somewhere far away as

39:56

every magic item that you own and only

39:58

out of the facts. that your friends

40:01

don't share, you only lose

40:03

one, but you lose a powerful relic. As

40:06

Thunder's Wake is destroyed forever,

40:08

shards of hot giant steel

40:11

falling on the ground, ruined and

40:13

useless and filled just now without a weapon,

40:16

but the guard panicking at the sound

40:18

of ancient powerful magic has

40:21

run a wall. You're

40:23

happy,

40:24

and food kicks the wall.

40:28

It's reed, so it just

40:30

kicks open and there's like two

40:33

union men on the other side who are playing guards.

40:35

Hey, we're on break! Oh,

40:39

wow, this... Filch. Oh,

40:41

this is stupid. Would you like

40:44

a new weapon?

40:46

No, yes, but no, it's

40:49

gonna be a trick. Me know you, Freezo.

40:51

You can trick

40:51

it. No, no, trick it all. I'll sell

40:54

you my weapon. What

40:56

do you got? I've got the

40:58

Nine Lives Steel sword. If you

41:00

ever roll a 20 on it'll kill whoever you want,

41:02

whoever you're attacking.

41:05

Okay,

41:06

how much you want for it?

41:07

I don't know, 1,500 gold coins?

41:12

Well, I've only got 1,400. Why?

41:16

Grimet's got 80 though. You're looking

41:18

at Bethany's character sheet. Oh.

41:23

Oh, how about this? Me give you 500 bucks for it. Bethany's

41:26

like, I'll take it.

41:28

I'll take that action. No, no, no, you're

41:30

trying to kill me, aren't you, Bethany? Aren't

41:32

you?

41:35

Alright, Filch, I'll just... I'll buy... I'll

41:37

sell it to you for all of your money. What have you got? 400

41:39

gold pieces? Yeah, 400. Wait. Okay,

41:44

yeah, I'll take 400 gold pieces. And

41:46

you get the Nine Lives Steeler

41:48

sword. Nine

41:49

Lives Steeler sword. Filch

41:51

is fast, baby!

41:55

Panting Jeremy arrived having...

41:58

I've got some...

41:59

I do you have the fat one? I,

42:02

I,

42:02

yeah, I text man. They, it was the

42:04

last one they had. I hope it's the right shade of

42:06

green. Jeremy. Yeah. Did

42:09

you tell anyone about it? No. Good

42:12

man. Okay,

42:14

I can't, I, I, I was, He

42:17

punches him in the stomach at the

42:19

heart of the game. And the bit of it pie

42:21

just falls face down on the fly and Bobby's

42:23

like,

42:23

No! Never tell

42:25

anyone about that. Don't, Jeremy! I

42:28

just, I was making conversation. What,

42:30

is that the most that you go to do? You get to

42:32

have big turtle puns. And then all

42:34

like, what's that for? What do you

42:36

want?

42:38

Jeremy. Here's your pornos. What

42:41

kind of porn is it? Oh, real crook stuff. And

42:43

here's, here's your

42:45

stone. Thank you so much. It

42:48

actually is. It's a magical luck stone.

42:51

Beautiful. I gotta go to

42:53

the hospital. And your red balls as well. And,

42:56

oh, and here's the receipt. It was quite expensive. It

42:58

was, it was 480 gold coins. And

43:01

he gives you the receipt. I

43:04

think Bethany is kind of in charge of all the invoicing in our trip. I'm

43:09

an unfilled pick-up Jeremy,

43:12

by the ankle. He's very small.

43:13

And like

43:15

shakes, shakes him upside down. Yep,

43:17

taffy comes out. And,

43:19

and, and, He's got

43:21

a lot of loose taffy in him. Tucks him in a

43:23

bin. Oh, okay. And closes a

43:25

lid. Yep. And says, let's

43:28

go find kid ginger.

43:31

And no one can call that a mugging

43:34

because your threats were never issued. But

43:36

great. All right. So you very

43:38

carefully close the lid on.

43:41

Do you

43:41

want that taffy?

43:43

No, let's let's, no, let's use the taffy to

43:45

seal the bin. Oh, everybody start

43:47

chewing. All right, great. Wonderful. So

43:50

you very slowly and time-consumingly

43:52

lock a small child inside a bin.

43:55

And hopefully that's the last we see of him because

43:57

soon you make your way now powered

43:59

by your your new magic items, your new riches,

44:02

your new poverty and your various... By

44:04

magical items you mean the thumb. The

44:07

thumb, yeah I mean the thumb. Keep

44:09

it safe, keep it secure. Keep

44:11

it safe, yes good one. As you

44:13

make your way out and you can see that already

44:16

the wedding rehearsal is almost

44:18

in place with Zuziaks, the

44:21

strange bird party planner

44:23

hopping excitedly from leg to leg

44:25

while the hernite butlers lay out

44:27

tasteful tablecloths over some hastily

44:30

assembled tables around the

44:32

throne room. Now

44:34

of course it'll look very different on the day, this is

44:36

Doja. No no, this is Zuziaks

44:39

talking to Doja, yeah. It'll look very different on the day,

44:41

I'm telling you. The florists

44:43

haven't arrived yet so there'll be beautiful blooms

44:45

on every flower, on every table I should

44:48

say, but I'll tell you what, when you see the tables

44:50

you'll say, that's a flower. I

44:53

misspoke. Also,

44:56

as your specifications, there

44:58

are fireworks rigged

45:00

at each of the four

45:03

points of the room, controlled

45:08

by the booth upstairs. There's also

45:11

the band which will be there but they're not here

45:14

today, again Union, it's fine. Yes,

45:18

I hope this is all wonderful to your specifications.

45:22

She looks at him, snips and sits down

45:24

at the central table. A second

45:26

later, Kit Jinshen arrives, streaming

45:29

in with a party

45:32

of very excited looking young lions,

45:34

some of their firm massive by paintball

45:37

shot, as they all take seats,

45:39

more and more of the court start to stream in

45:41

as the five of you make your way towards the Zuziaks. Ah,

45:44

the Zuziaks. Remember, I mean

45:47

this is

45:49

my wife to be's big

45:51

affair, but my one request that

45:54

the band play Tom Thumping by

45:56

Chumba Wumba. to

46:00

find but I believe I have chucked it down.

46:04

Uh, Kit, uh, Doja, would you

46:06

like to go through your vows now?

46:08

Oh, I thought I'd just wing it, you know? I

46:11

thought I'd just go, oh, what

46:13

a lovely man this cat

46:15

is, you know, that sort of thing. I think

46:17

Kit makes eyes at everyone as if to say,

46:20

you see what I mean? I

46:22

think often a great thing you can do in

46:24

your wedding is in your vows,

46:27

just enunciate all your

46:29

partner's biggest weaknesses.

46:32

Oh, that sounds like fun. Like allergies

46:36

or like things that they're scared

46:38

of or like, I guess

46:41

bits of, like bits of, then you could

46:43

put a bulldog clip on.

46:47

So if you guys want to do that now, it'd be nice for everyone

46:49

to listen to that. Okay,

46:51

you're trying to convince her to tell

46:53

me your secret weaknesses. Alright, make for me

46:56

a persuasion check. A space

46:58

hold, oh, fuck yeah. I'm so good

47:00

at persuasion, Dave. So good at

47:02

persuasion. People that are good at persuasion don't say that.

47:05

I always say that to you, Dave, I want to say that it's free, so

47:07

that's a 15.6 is 21.

47:10

Pretty

47:12

good laugh, thank you so much. A little goblin

47:14

in the corner there. Doja. I

47:16

want to see a cat with a bulldog clip on it. Doja's

47:19

face cracks into a wizened smile as she looks

47:21

all the way home. How's your role? How fun.

47:23

How fun, okay, how's Kit? My

47:26

darling Kit. When the assembled

47:28

crowd is quiet, there is no sound

47:30

except for the dulcet tones of Chumble Wamba

47:33

as Logan frantically

47:35

sweating, is dropping cards in the middle of distance.

47:42

Everybody knows you as the big alpha,

47:45

but they probably don't know that you are

47:47

a massive wuss

47:50

when it comes to chilli. Is this

47:52

the sort of thing that... This is perfect.

47:55

I'll never forget the

47:57

first time that I...

48:01

we met and you told me that

48:03

you were mortally afraid

48:06

of heights and I said what

48:09

a pussy which

48:11

was a pun and I didn't know at the time.

48:13

I mean if you could just

48:16

sort of enunciate any kind of particular allergies

48:18

that kid has. Except

48:21

for commitment am I right ladies? And

48:23

at that point all the ladies will say

48:25

yay! All the girls who come in from

48:27

the head start and they're like

48:29

yay!

48:30

But penicillin.

48:35

Love you and then I'll sit down.

48:38

That's so great that's all I need alright. And

48:40

what about, wait a minute a minute. You only

48:42

need vows from one of them. Yeah that's

48:44

how it works nowadays.

48:44

And then Bethany's like don't you want, I

48:47

thought this was to get the vulnerabilities of...

48:49

Oh her, we're trying to kill her, yes. Kit

48:53

if you would like to go now. Uh,

48:57

doja. Taxi! Nah

49:01

I'll probably say something different. Uh,

49:05

when I first met you you were drunk.

49:14

Very, very

49:16

drunk. Massimo

49:17

c'est béréance.

49:20

Is this the same character as the previous

49:23

scene? Well, I heard it.

49:26

And uh,

49:29

I learned that you were ambitious,

49:34

ruthless,

49:37

terrified.

49:39

A true

49:41

woman

49:43

of the steel claw clan.

49:46

And without

49:48

any weaknesses at all, except pride.

49:59

Like nice poetic

50:01

and stuff. But I guess we were

50:03

probably looking for more like, it's nice to make you both vulnerable

50:05

to each other. So if she's like, I don't know, got a bong

50:07

knee or something or a- You

50:10

can say it's fine, something I haven't heard

50:12

before. Ha!

50:14

She loves her

50:17

child more than she loves me.

50:19

Okay, I would say that's overshot now. Cause

50:23

that's like, that's like, truth a lot and everyone's feeling like,

50:25

aren't we all feeling a bit weird now? I gotta

50:27

say the room for a wedding

50:29

rehearsal, the room is getting quite strange.

50:32

The energy is, nobody is liking

50:34

this. In fact, many would say

50:36

that the

50:39

biggest relationship she has

50:42

is with the game of

50:44

politics.

50:46

She cares for nothing more

50:49

than to

50:52

ruthlessly reach

50:54

the top.

50:55

What are you trying to do? Are you trying to offend

50:58

her? What's the game here? So I understand.

51:01

Yeah, I'm really trying to throw the wedding. All

51:04

right, well then- You're trying to throw the wedding, a little

51:06

bit. All right, make for me an intimidation

51:08

check, let's call it. You intimidate her

51:10

into not marrying you. That's how

51:12

it works, right? Of course.

51:15

18 plus, I don't know what's-

51:18

You're not intimidating her so that you cower her. You're

51:20

trying to get her to rise to this argument. Yeah, yeah,

51:23

yeah. Intimidation plus

51:25

six. Yeah, yeah, 24. She bristles

51:28

and looks at you and you and everybody

51:31

in the room is suddenly realizing that this is- What's

51:33

the matter with my son? It's

51:35

politics, I was talking about you being allergic to

51:37

chili, but can I tell him? Isn't

51:40

this absurd? Have you heard of this thing? Have

51:42

you gotten this, and he's been bottling

51:44

all this up inside,

51:45

and maybe you should have said something before

51:48

I arranged the number

51:51

one for the self to come as a prime

51:53

for you. When was it- Yeah, how hard it

51:56

was, three of them are dead. When was the last time

51:58

we had a private- You're the

52:00

best at your son's present in

52:01

the room. He's got good vibes!

52:04

Good vibes. I think

52:06

you sparkles in his present!

52:09

At least I can say for you and your sour,

52:12

bloody moooo! That's what you

52:14

sound like! Moooo! I

52:17

am your king! Well,

52:20

you're a big nom! Moooo!

52:23

At that the steel floor is in the room, about

52:26

a quarter of the room snarl and they rise to their

52:28

feet, kicking over tables as they see

52:30

their war singer and pride mother being disrespected.

52:33

Yeah, I don't even know! It's not even worth

52:36

it! Being married to you for six months

52:38

before your k-k-k-buddy knock you off! Ooo!

52:40

Suckoos! Aaaah!

52:44

I knew it! Knock

52:47

you off your pedestal of

52:50

self-loathing and into the

52:52

warm embrace of self-confidence!

52:56

That's gotta be a post-check or something. Yeah,

52:58

I don't know. Deception verse,

53:01

here's a post-charisma check. Sixteen

53:03

verse seven, where the crowd is eating out

53:05

of the hands of their war father. Take

53:09

this

53:11

lioness away. As

53:14

two proud members of the

53:16

seat grab for the

53:18

shoulders of the war singer, picks his snarls

53:21

and stands to his mother's side, which he holds up her hand,

53:24

and he says, We'll get up, Dad!

53:26

My

53:28

God,

53:28

look at me when you say this. We'll

53:32

get up again! They're

53:34

never gonna keep us down, T.T!

53:38

No.

53:42

And as she glares

53:45

at the guards with the respect

53:47

afforded and owed to her, they don't

53:49

take her arm and instead proud and imperious- They give her

53:51

a whiskey drink? They give her a drug

53:53

to drink. In one claw and a lager drink in

53:56

the other, as she unto the- locomotion

54:00

of her own two legs escorts

54:03

herself unfettered out the door, realizing

54:06

that she has made her play. But

54:08

something has shifted. The court

54:10

is now on the side of Kitchenshison,

54:13

and her son, at least for now,

54:15

shall not be Speaker. But

54:18

these steel claws will not soon forget

54:20

this insult. The wedding may be

54:22

off, but a greater war may yet

54:24

tear this proud tribe

54:26

apart, as it

54:29

seems that Kitchenshison's most eminent

54:32

bachelor is once more not

54:34

to be married, free to his

54:36

own agency, able to take what adventures

54:38

he pleases as he looks

54:41

at Bethany the dragon friends

54:44

and makes his plans to follow

54:46

them, even as the three

54:48

surviving members of Jumbo Wamba

54:51

stand awkwardly behind

54:53

a curtain, unsure

54:56

at this point if they should

54:58

even come together. The cost of Dragon

55:00

Friends for this week is Alex Lee, Simon

55:03

Greiner,

55:05

Michael Higg, and

55:06

Tom

55:15

Carden, our dungeon master and day bomb, and

55:17

with an NPC voice provided by Bint Jenkins,

55:20

and live accompaniment by Nick Harriess. Shakira

55:22

Khan is our producer, podcast editor, mixed

55:25

and master by me, you guessed, and

55:27

you have to watch the episode just live at the vanguard

55:29

in Sydney on Gadigal Landers in the

55:32

morning. What?

55:40

I was

55:42

actually thinking about this today because there was this episode of

55:44

Rope when I was a kid where people

55:47

offered to think like they got $10,000 for getting

55:49

a tattoo on their bum, one of

55:51

them said scrunch and one of them said fold. And

55:54

I was literally thinking about this today, thinking about

55:56

old episodes of Rope, and then I remembered how one

55:58

time he did a show in somebody's...

55:59

I was like, how would you organise to get

56:02

that into somebody's backyard? And um...

56:05

Yeah. What about the time... They're looking for a job, are

56:07

we Simon or...? What about the time when he asked Kevin

56:09

Rudd who he would turn gay for?

56:13

Oh yeah. It

56:15

is easily, I think, probably the greatest moment

56:17

in Australian broadcast. Kevin Rudd

56:19

said... So, the right international

56:21

listeners...

56:21

Was he Prime Minister at this point?

56:23

Australian icon, uh, Rode

56:25

McMannus, asked on his talk show,

56:28

The Prime Minister of Australia, something he asked

56:30

all his guests, which is, who would you turn

56:32

gay for?

56:33

And there was quite the present scenario for

56:35

any comms... Yeah, but they had

56:37

years to repent. This was something he did every

56:40

single... He always asked, he had like five questions

56:42

that he always asked, and Alex, who

56:44

did Kevin Rudd say he would

56:47

turn gay for?

56:49

He said,

56:50

my wife. I mean...

56:54

And he didn't even do the for-at-for. He

56:57

would say he would turn gay for his wife to

56:59

read. Ah, I love this

57:01

goddamn country.

57:07

He can't power the world's

57:10

best nonsense. Here's

57:12

the show that we recommend. What

57:16

is the briefing room? It's a behind-the-scenes

57:18

look at how the criminal justice system works,

57:20

and the lives of the people within that system. If

57:23

you love true crime, well, these are

57:26

the real people who do the job every day

57:28

of making sure justice is served. Hi,

57:31

I'm Detective Dave. I'm Detective Dan.

57:33

Together we have decades of experience in local

57:36

law enforcement, a profession that we

57:38

think is often misunderstood. So

57:40

we're going to explore how to do it right, and

57:42

we won't shy away from when it's done wrong.

57:45

These are stories you'll hear nowhere else, unique,

57:48

frank, and unvarnished. This is

57:50

the briefing room. Episode 1

57:53

drops on August 30th. We'll

57:57

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58:01

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