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0:57

Deep in a glittering wood of starlight

0:59

and dreams is the feline bureau

1:02

of familiars. Those august halls

1:05

where creatures magical and eldritch,

1:07

strange and familiar, where boggans,

1:10

sprites, imaginary friends,

1:12

gremlins, grendels, and all things

1:15

known and unknown gather in the

1:17

service of those magical creatures

1:19

we call wizards to do

1:21

their bidding in a cool way.

1:23

It's not like, don't get down about

1:25

it, they like their jobs, everyone's having

1:28

a good time. You know when me and Dave talked

1:30

about this last night, we were like, how do we navigate that? And

1:32

he was like, I'll be subtle. Wait,

1:35

what? The FBF has existed

1:37

since time immemorial,

1:38

permitting only those who

1:41

summon those august creatures through

1:43

their doors. One such is

1:45

a warlock called Frizo, who if I'm

1:47

honest, could have made it into this building

1:50

with more ease and more grace. And

1:52

yet here we are, Frizo now

1:54

walking through thanks

1:55

only to the quick-witted thinking of his friend Logan

1:58

the Huge, a giant tortoise.

1:59

who is, I would say, quite happy

2:02

with the generous proportions of the FBF

2:05

doors. This is more like it. No

2:07

out of trees, a giant turtle. As the

2:10

party make their way forward, led by Bethany Smiles,

2:12

they pass a giant atrium

2:15

where there are creatures, strange

2:17

and yet terribly familiar, small boggins

2:19

and gnomes, run around, skirting, creatures,

2:21

imaginary, fantastical, wondrous,

2:24

a lot of scary clowns. There's like a lot

2:26

of clowns. There's too many clowns.

2:28

Why are there so many clowns? There's just so

2:31

many clowns and they're scary clowns. Clowns

2:33

are traditionally, like if you open the Dungeons and

2:35

Dragons book, there's no page. You can't

2:37

be a clown. You can't be like a... Maybe it's a clue.

2:40

I don't know why, but there's a lot of clowns

2:42

and above those clowns, glittering

2:44

overhead is the whoosh and tsk sound

2:47

of a million pneumatic tubes sparkling

2:49

above, sending messages hither and thither

2:52

through this world, through the nine known world. That's

2:54

your second hither and thither? Yeah. You

2:57

had two of us, so there'll be no more

2:59

of that. Above and beyond, below

3:01

and through, wittishins

3:04

and turnwise, as they

3:06

make their way through the nine known world, to

3:09

the infernal celestial and divine beings that

3:11

do inhabit them, the dragon friends make

3:13

their way up a glittering elevator

3:15

to the third floor of the FBF,

3:18

to Warlock Client Relations,

3:20

where there is a desk. At that desk

3:23

is what looks like an old magical Commodore 64.

3:28

No, not a Commodore 64, like a word

3:30

processor, a 486. Oh,

3:33

thank goodness. Behind

3:37

that 486. Does that have a

3:39

green and black screen? Yeah, there's a green and black

3:41

screen, but the screen is covered with pixie

3:44

dust. And next

3:46

to it, I'm so tired. Next, it's

3:49

Brazil, okay? It's

3:52

magical Brazil. Magical Brazil.

3:54

Why are you so tired? Fuck you. And

3:56

going, when are you going

3:59

to work? Play your video

4:01

games and get married and have gone

4:03

to the low-key and fuck around. You

4:05

got him Dave I

4:11

want to talk about it and and But

4:14

it's worth it though, right? It's oh, yeah.

4:16

No, she's great. All right, and if she's listening

4:18

I don't understand how because she's like two months

4:20

old but It's

4:25

a good bit behind

4:27

that desk is a Not

4:30

one of those pneumatic machines that met fantasy

4:32

Commodore 64 and a scary clown

4:35

Dressed in a cardigan with a pin

4:38

a small pair of wireframes glasses.

4:40

Her name is Magony which is like

4:42

agony but with an M and She

4:46

looks up as there's a ding sign

4:49

as you walk in and it says now serving number 64

4:52

You look at your hand and magically materializing

4:54

as a number 64 as she says I'd

5:03

like to register my familiar, please

5:06

name of familiar, please splooge

5:08

McDuck what splooge

5:10

McDuck?

5:17

She signs a form pretty quickly spooge

5:19

looks up confused and then there's a glass suddenly

5:21

a jar of materializers around him He

5:23

looks at you all panics for a second. Like this is

5:25

a bad idea sound as

5:27

he Disappears shrinks

5:30

down to the tiny size and then

5:32

the glass fires up into the

5:34

air and goes into the pneumatic system. We will have to

5:36

wait 65 working months

5:44

For us to process this

5:47

Next 65

5:49

Oh,

5:54

could you please fill out this satisfaction for

5:57

to

6:01

track how well we are doing under

6:04

the meaner I would appreciate if you

6:06

wrote sparkling.

6:09

Is there anything we can do to speed up this process?

6:12

I mean I was committed

6:14

to making this darker familiar. At the start

6:16

it was a side question but now it's main question.

6:22

How about I'd be happy

6:24

to fill out sparkling and majestic

6:27

you've done really wonderful. So

6:29

quick I was just wondering if

6:31

we could get the duck quicker

6:34

than 60 foot. Maggoty comps

6:36

and puts out a hand on the table and

6:38

then looks away. I do wish there was something I

6:40

could do but unfortunately my hands

6:43

are empty. Moneyless.

6:45

We got three money. Yeah the payment ducked

6:50

it and went up a tube. Yeah

6:53

you got gold coins don't you?

6:55

Yeah so you're really committed to making

6:57

this giving this duck a job. How

7:01

badly do we want this duck in the rest of the

7:02

scene? I'll

7:08

give you 10 gold coins. I think

7:11

you've got heaps though because remember when you screwed

7:14

you McDucked through the gold coins

7:16

that magically appeared from Alex's. Oh yeah of

7:18

course Can I read that and we're

7:20

about to take the 10 gold coins and then suddenly

7:23

looks at it distastefully. 10

7:25

gold coins what do you take me for

7:28

some kind of 10 gold

7:31

coins

7:33

bitch. Up until a moment

7:35

ago yes. Wonder

7:38

wonderfully well-drawn character. Thank you very

7:40

much. How many

7:43

gold coins are we?

7:45

I was thinking something in the triple digits.

7:49

What three gold coins? She's

7:59

got She's

8:03

going to want at least 100 gold

8:05

coins to expedite the paperwork

8:07

to make your Scottish duck a

8:10

familiar. You have 100 gold coins though. Do

8:12

we have 100? You have 100. Remember,

8:14

you were like swimming through all the gold coins. I

8:16

mean, Frieso has 100 too. I don't know why he's just

8:18

putting it on you. Phil also has like, me. I thought 15,000.

8:21

No, no.

8:23

Alright.

8:28

Well that's... Phil could have sign up at the counter and was like, how

8:31

much would it cost us, hypothetically,

8:34

to find out a little bit of information about a

8:39

former familiar and get the duck? Let's

8:42

take these one at a time, okay? To

8:45

get the duck, I

8:46

think maybe 100

8:48

gold coins might expedite this. And

8:52

she's got like a weird little hand

8:54

with a clown glove on it. It's kind

8:57

of doing horrible stuff. All

8:59

of her... The balls of her fingers

9:01

are on springs and they just

9:03

sort of wilt and... It's awful. It's

9:05

like weird clown body horror. Alright,

9:08

I give her 100 gold coins. Well that duck

9:10

should see you in the next couple of minutes.

9:13

Uh, no. No. Ask your question.

9:15

This is a simple process as much as I

9:18

would like to...

9:24

Hey Ben, quick question. Yes,

9:26

you went. Why is the clown

9:29

French? Ahhh...

9:31

Golières? It's Philippe Golières.

9:34

You are busy. Did you not funny? You

9:37

are not funny. What are you doing? You did 10 dollars.

9:39

I think it's 10,000 dollars. Give me 10,000 dollars

9:42

and 6 months of your life. And

9:47

now go back to Australia and win an award.

9:50

Uh, man... That's like a 6% off,

9:52

but it's a good one. Um, man...

9:55

It's like a mangani. Yes.

9:58

We need to find out some information about a... form

10:00

of familiar yeah I don't know why you think that

10:02

you think you suppose this is

10:04

client warlock relations this is the right place

10:06

there's a form you can kill out right well

10:08

I'm a warlock the t43 they're correct

10:11

I'm fucking crazy did you know

10:16

what there's a form

10:18

in front of she puts out a T for

10:19

I just give her $10 like 10 gold

10:21

coins like

10:22

okay she puts on the

10:24

people you know what I will buy with this

10:26

a quiche she

10:30

puts down a t43 turns around to

10:32

a vending machine behind her and

10:35

like it's an automat it's

10:37

like an automat no it just does cases

10:39

like it's like it's like it yeah there's a you

10:41

know what it is imagine in the wall there's

10:45

like a garage door and

10:48

she knocks on it and it spins up

10:50

and there's a tiny gnome on the other side

10:52

who's dressed in a little can I offer a counterpoint

10:55

to what you're about to say she takes the 10

10:57

gold

10:57

coins feeds

10:59

them into a slot

11:01

and then out of the pneumatic tube next

11:04

to her dead poops out

11:06

a rolled up quiche and then it like unfurls

11:09

on her death like

11:12

koala mattress so

11:17

the quiche arrived and

11:19

the t43 does as well and it lands

11:22

on the quiche and then it's like turns

11:24

like transparent because of the great and he's

11:27

like I would need another form the agony

11:29

brings out another form and she was in front of you freezo

11:31

and you can start to fill it out and what are the what

11:33

are the sections of the form name freezo

11:35

for his opposite warlock

11:38

name sorry

11:43

agony do you like the party no

11:46

nevermind that can I have another

11:48

form please and

11:50

second piece of quiche name

11:53

blue shoes warlocks name reason

11:55

for his office in reason

11:57

for request

12:00

French... loyalty

12:03

French... French

12:05

loyalty loyalty

12:08

The most unbreakable loyalty of

12:10

all Relationship

12:12

too familiar Former... Warlock?

12:17

Former master? What would you call it? I

12:19

am not the man with the pen I am

12:21

the lady with the quiche That is a

12:23

good thing though, that is a good point Do you ever find with forms

12:26

when it says like relationship and you've got to work out You don't know

12:28

what direction I fucking float? You're emergency contact It's

12:31

very confusing Go classic

12:33

free though Colleague Colleague

12:36

Former... Former colleague And over

12:38

break it's complicated post bucket Thank you

12:42

Last time in contact to

12:44

the nearest year Dale Reckoning This is all very...

12:47

This is all very simple Give

12:49

me the former tell you where he is And

12:52

I'm just going to tell you how long I saw In

12:54

Dale Reckoning years the last time you saw a boushous

12:57

Yeah They're laughing

12:59

like they know something but... Well

13:01

I think... Boushous...

13:07

Scribble scribble scribble Was...

13:11

Recently... Did these boushous head?

13:16

We're looking for boushous

13:17

Are boushous alive? He's

13:21

just remembering

13:21

how he killed boushous Boushous,

13:23

uh, Freezo turns the form over and keeps writing

13:25

on the back I think... I

13:28

need to remember Boushous

13:30

got in touch recently This

13:33

is going to be something that It's

13:35

also like put your Medicare number and

13:37

things that you only have Let's say in the

13:39

last three years I've seen boushous

13:42

Two years One year In the last

13:44

year I've seen boushous Stop reacting to the noises the audience

13:46

are making and pick a number We're doing prices

13:49

right Prices right

13:51

on dragon friends law What do you reckon? One

13:53

year? Higher? Lower Two

13:55

years Three

13:58

years? Three years? Alright, you're right, Dom She

14:00

gives the form to her, she looks at it, scowls,

14:02

doesn't know because it's like not her relationship,

14:05

puts it inside a jar, up

14:08

it goes, spins up into the heavens

14:10

and then another jar comes down,

14:12

smashes on the desk, there's a pixie

14:14

inside and he flies up and whispers in

14:17

her ear, the pixie has a wee

14:19

little kitch. If

14:21

it's important to you Ben, tremendously

14:24

important to me. Monster or pixie,

14:26

you've arrived. Are

14:29

you talking to my pixie? I'm

14:31

so sorry. I'm fucking crazy. Yes

14:39

one! Oh god! Ten

14:41

gold coins. Ten gold coins. Ten gold coins.

14:45

You gave a hundred gold coins to make Spooge

14:47

McDuck a familiar. No, but that's

14:49

the standard. She said this was standard,

14:52

this is... Every time that he said he's crazy.

14:54

Okay, okay.

14:56

A pixie, please, please, my ear. Thank

15:00

you very much, Reynolds.

15:05

Is this the pixie's name? Reynolds.

15:08

Reynolds.

15:09

Thank you Reynolds. What

15:12

the fuck? If

15:15

he goes, that was Reynolds. Hey

15:17

listen,

15:21

Reynolds there, that was Reynolds.

15:23

You're stalling? He

15:27

told me something. He checked

15:29

your form and all

15:32

of it was, this part's good, this part's

15:34

good, this part's good. I'm looking at

15:36

it here. And what Reynolds has circled

15:38

is the time that has elapsed

15:41

since. You

15:43

last saw you're familiar. Is it like a thousand years or

15:45

something? He like fucked it up? I don't know. What

15:47

was I supposed to say there? You have

15:49

put three years? Yes. It is

15:51

twelve years. It's more than

15:54

twelve years. Well, what Reynolds

15:56

has put there is twelve plus. Twelve

15:59

plus, is it?

15:59

Since I've seen

16:00

Cribbitts. It's been 12 years. Really?

16:02

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

16:05

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

16:06

Sorry! Sorry! Oh shit! What the

16:08

fuck goes on? What

16:10

are you thinking about right now? Because

16:13

you're obviously not thinking about

16:15

this. So for a bushu... Bushu.

16:19

Bushu. Bushu? Bushu. Mhm.

16:21

Mhm. Uh... We

16:23

have 12 plus years. Now, um,

16:26

as you will know, uh, at

16:28

the, uh, uh, Bureau, uh,

16:31

if you have been separated from your familia

16:33

for more than 9 years...

16:35

9 years... That familia is reassigned.

16:38

Huh! Not only that, once

16:40

they are reassigned, they need to fill out

16:42

paperwork to permit previous

16:45

warlocks to find out their location. Now I'm looking

16:47

here and what, um, Great! ... just told

16:50

me, yes, well, I... And Bushu

16:52

would probably want us to be able to find him and stuff? Absolutely!

16:54

So I thought as much because you said you

16:57

had a good collegial relationship

16:59

with him. I love Bushu!

17:02

Yeah. So, uh,

17:05

not only did Bushu not fill

17:07

out that form, he filled out another

17:09

form. He wrote a form? Yeah.

17:12

Which we do not have, so he like took... A new form? Yeah,

17:15

he took like a paper... Was it like he was trying to sign

17:17

up for like a magazine subscription? Interestingly,

17:20

no. He took a

17:22

piece of paper... Was he applying for passport? And

17:24

put like a... Let me finish a kind

17:26

of crude letterhead to

17:29

look like our forms. And he made

17:31

a form saying, do not contact.

17:34

And he filled that out. So usually

17:36

it is enough. But is that for

17:38

me or is that for someone else? That is specifically

17:41

for you. What's the name on that? Frizz

17:43

of Frizz Officer. Well that

17:45

is my name, isn't it? Yes. So

17:50

what we have here is a situation which...

17:54

He doesn't want to be found. We call it a code

17:56

red. And you are going to

17:58

have to leave.

18:00

pretty much like right now.

18:02

You will not be...

18:04

You went like everyone.

18:06

Sure, is there any amount of money I could give

18:08

you? Absolutely not. I

18:10

mean you could, but it won't do

18:12

anything. Are you interested in

18:14

the charred body of a goblin? Do

18:17

you know what? It's so funny you

18:19

mention that, because I am not. Alright,

18:23

I've tried everything, sorry everyone. She

18:25

will be on our way. And you can say that she's like

18:28

reaching under the desk to press the button. So

18:31

you start lifting... She presses it and I'm like, I

18:33

chop her hand! I chop

18:35

her hand! What? I chop off

18:37

her

18:37

hand! Who knows? A pooch! She

18:39

takes out the man hand, steals the...

18:42

And she chops off her hand. So she can't press

18:44

the button. Okay, we'll make

18:46

an... Make an opposed

18:49

initiative. She rolled an eight. A

18:51

twelve. Oh fuck. Alright. Okay,

18:54

I'm going to jump across the counter and start hacking

18:56

the computer. Okay, great.

18:58

So we're going into combat everyone. Roll

19:00

initiative. She's

19:05

taking you to the button, but at that point, Phil, you take

19:07

your nine lives to the bottom. Yeah, I wanted to give

19:09

it a bit of a spin. Make an attack

19:11

for me.

19:12

Oh, I don't

19:14

know what... It's a plus five. Oh,

19:17

okay. Yep, that's 13. Oh,

19:19

it's a plus two, so it's 15. Which

19:22

is her armor class is, well, 13, because

19:25

she's not wearing any armor. Because she is a government

19:28

employee. So you attack

19:31

her and springs and bits go

19:33

wild. Make an attack. How much damage? Ten. Ten

19:36

points of damage. She takes it, screams back

19:38

in pain. Her wire of women's glasses go everywhere.

19:41

And Bobby dives past her to her strange

19:43

Elbridge 486 computer and starts hacking

19:45

it. Yeah, I assume I can use like a sleight of hand

19:48

if we're using sort of locked-in kind of... Intelligence, I think

19:50

I'm going to say. I think... Is there a security log

19:52

on to that? Yeah. In which case, I'm

19:54

going to cast a fucking spell, you dumb

19:56

bitch. Sorry, guys. Sorry. You

19:58

got him. You got him. Sorry, sorry. I'm

20:02

gonna par- I'm not. You can't think of knock? No,

20:04

I'm gonna par- A fourth level spell that I've

20:06

worked, because I'm a fucking warlock. Yep. And

20:09

it's called System Backdoor. Transmutation,

20:12

alright? One minute, and it allows me to,

20:14

uh, gain access to, or

20:17

allow access to any system. You're

20:19

able to bypass any security system in order to create a

20:22

secure login on a foreign system, so I give

20:24

fucking silence. How does that exist?

20:27

Because it's in the fucking talk you- This

20:29

was for the, uh, swordfish extension. I would like

20:31

to. While getting sucked off.

20:33

Yeah, this

20:36

is- what's that movie called? Fish Turn. We

20:38

were just talking. We were just talking. Where

20:40

are you?

20:40

Where are you when we talk? I

20:43

was talking- I was showing James my thing that I

20:45

found. And look at it! Look at

20:47

this frustrated little face! Look at this frustrated

20:49

little face!

20:50

It does say it bypasses techno-magic

20:53

spells of third level or lower.

20:56

So, it's

20:57

a- you know what? It casts-

20:58

And Dave, I'm doing it not even for myself.

21:01

I'm doing it to help Bobby. So it's not even- I'm not even being

21:03

selfish

21:03

though. Alright. I should get one of

21:05

those dice and inspiration. This is a wonderful life.

21:08

You don't need to make your case for me. It does

21:10

take a minute, so you're going to have to be able

21:12

to- I'll shut up for a minute. I can chop

21:14

off another hand. Okay, sure. Bobby,

21:17

what are you doing meanwhile? I'm just like,

21:19

hacking? You pull out

21:21

a sword and start cutting into the kitchen. I'm

21:24

like tapping- like going through the MS-DOS. Make

21:26

an intelligence check for me. I'm going to puke state. I

21:29

got a 19. 19, alright. You quickly

21:31

manage to get onto the keyboard, pulling it away from her. She

21:33

yells, have it in blood and springs.

21:36

Logan, you're next. Is there- is there just one

21:38

scary clown? No, there's nothing else going on. So

21:40

far, but she's- her stump is

21:42

just like hitting the button as hard as it can. Well, let's take

21:44

care of that stump, Dave. Let's

21:47

uh, thorn whip, please. I'm going to thorn whip a- Oh my

21:49

god, alright. And I pull it back. Make an

21:51

attack for me. Thank you, Doki. 19 plus 6.

21:54

Oh, that hits. Uh, and

21:56

that's 6. 4, 10, 4, 10, 1, 2, 7, 8.

21:59

Okay, so between you and Phil, you kill the level

22:02

zillion, zero civilian. Um...

22:05

Umm... Umm... Umm... Bessie

22:07

said... I have whole person! And 50

22:13

minute now, quick! And 54

22:17

seconds later, his eyes glowing

22:19

white, freezo... Yew! Tapping

22:24

away like a hacker on a very

22:27

cheap American TV show,

22:30

um... Looks up the terminal

22:32

glowing

22:32

his eyes as he hears excess x-door

22:35

accepted, full of records

22:38

identified, and you are inside

22:40

the mainframes, you have access

22:43

throughout the system, and you are now in control

22:46

of the pneumatic cubes that can

22:48

take anything

22:49

anywhere in the building. Is freezo

22:51

seeing like Tron inside his

22:53

head like... Yeah, he's seeing just Keisha's

22:56

head. He's seeing Tron if Tron was

22:58

tiny, irritating pixies on little

23:01

like... And Keisha's steampunk

23:03

bicycle rolls up, throwing Keisha's at each other.

23:05

And one duck! Yeah, and one duck

23:08

who's whizzing between departments

23:10

very confused and nauseous. Okay, look... But

23:12

you can also see the map of the building, including the Hall

23:14

of Records, where all the records are filled. We need to get

23:16

to the Hall of Records, can we get the tubes or are they not...

23:19

Freezo taps some buttons and four jars

23:21

appear. Doo doo doo doo doo, there's a little click,

23:24

and the door opens in the side of the console,

23:26

and a wand of enlarged reduce

23:29

clicks out, regulations. There's five

23:31

of us, so one of us is gonna have to wait behind. So...

23:38

I think we should draw straws, I think it would be fair

23:40

if we drew straws for us. I mean, I just think that like,

23:42

we're all in this quest. Yeah, we're all in

23:44

the quest, and we're all here. We're all in the quest.

23:46

No, but I just feel like... I mean,

23:48

if it wasn't for Logan and the Duff,

23:50

we wouldn't be in here. Yeah, but I

23:52

just feel like now that we're in here... Hey,

23:55

come on. I just feel like there's a pounding on the door

23:57

as the security... I think we should leave behind the person who keeps saying

23:59

they've been...

24:01

I get the jar you

24:03

get into it funk you get into a jar That

24:06

is the one someone needs to cast reduce on

24:08

you or are you just trying to get into the

24:10

jar? I'll take that one all right Bobby

24:12

takes the jar the bond points at a freezer Reduce

24:16

reduce I'll reduce everyone Me

24:18

and Logan go in the same jar All

24:20

right You will reduce you're

24:22

still that's quite uncomfortable but the two of you squeeze

24:25

into a jar as everybody shrinks down

24:27

into the jars and Deaths

24:30

guys the boat no no we get we're in the jars

24:32

and we're awesome It's got to be enough to

24:35

put it in there. Well. Yeah, how is that gonna work? Can

24:38

I cast fly and fly with the jar into the

24:40

tube?

24:45

Did you know that personal information like

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Aura comm slash safety that's

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a URA comm

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slash safety

25:17

Running out of spell slots real quick day third

25:20

and final fourth no fourth second last I

25:24

use um a chance to lift us all into

25:26

the That'll be another

25:28

one of them Bethany cut uses her wings of

25:31

flying and all of these jars staggered drunkenly

25:34

upwards upwards upwards with Phil's doing

25:37

Isn't I in a jar? Yeah,

25:39

but how is it getting me?

25:45

They can only hold something up to

25:47

five pounds these jars are about five pounds Why

25:49

the spell that like in disguise bilges

25:51

a very important must-end document? Because

25:54

then they'll run in and they'll see it. They'll go up

25:56

someone's left this on the table You know with your

25:58

wild shape that's enough people to get everyone up

26:00

so you can all go up in your jars if you'd like.

26:03

Yes please. And so you make your way up into the jars,

26:05

you fly up into the system, shoot shoot

26:07

shoot shoot shoot. Make for me, I guess, a

26:09

technomagic bypass check.

26:12

Uh. You know, and honestly that turns

26:14

to ash in my mouth, but if you can just... What,

26:17

what, what, what, what, is that intelligence? Oh, I guess.

26:21

Uh, 14. Uh, 14? Yeah.

26:24

Fourteen, interesting. Oh, fuck this, 14.

26:26

Alright, there's this whiz, I think, and then suddenly

26:28

the jars splinter off into different

26:30

directions through the building. As everybody

26:33

goes to different departments, I'm just

26:35

gonna generate them now, people need to get five

26:37

pluses. Three of you go down

26:39

to the animals dead letters department. Uh,

26:42

Freezo, you go up, congratulations,

26:45

to the Hall of Records,

26:47

and Bemthinie joins you. So, the

26:50

party splits into two different groups, and we're gonna

26:52

start first of all in the Hall of Records as your

26:54

glass shards shatter down onto the floor.

26:56

Alright, are we in Big End? Did

26:58

you have the wand? No, I have it. Guess

27:01

we're little then. It's a little.

27:03

Yes. Are they hunting or a shrunk the

27:05

kids for? They're, they're... Like, could they ride an ant?

27:08

They are... A picture, if you will. Oh,

27:10

is it a can? A jam jar

27:12

and a... So, like,

27:15

irritated... Six foot tall? What? A

27:18

sort of irritated, irritating, um, warlock

27:21

who fits neatly in a jam

27:23

jar. I'm thinking like a normal

27:25

regulation jam jar. We're saying smaller

27:28

than like a regular Barbie doll. A

27:30

small mouse? Smaller than a jam

27:32

jar, I don't understand... Why is it so hard for

27:34

you all to visualise? You don't... Is

27:37

it bon-mama or is

27:38

it, um... Yeah. Yeah, it's

27:40

cocky. Or is it one of those lunatic and loony

27:42

things? Cocky, fucky waltz. Sometimes

27:45

you go to a

27:45

hotel and the jam jars are like, they're real little.

27:48

Tiny ones, you know? Yeah, little coats. Like, what are

27:50

you... Like, fucking little teeth or anything. Who's fucking around

27:52

with that? Yeah, it seems like a waste of jars.

27:54

You're the size... You're the possibly... You're

27:56

the size of a... We're the size of a... We're

27:58

running out of cloth!

27:59

You don't know that, the lack

28:02

of sand on the beaches, mate? You're both the size of a

28:04

cotties jam jar and you fall

28:06

down. Do you guys know that my dad picks

28:09

the fruit?

28:09

Where is

28:13

it good?

28:14

He never told me. He

28:17

just picks the fruit. He

28:21

just keeps picking the fruit. My

28:24

dad picks his nose. It goes,

28:26

it's not easy. Now the jars

28:28

were sealed automatically, you don't have the wand, and

28:31

it seems that the Hall of Records is currently

28:32

emptier. I smashed when we went down.

28:35

Yeah, ok, so the rolls! No,

28:37

no, no, no, no, nothing like this. I'm

28:39

trying to smash onto the ground.

28:41

Yeah, you're in an inbox at the moment. Next to a whole

28:43

lot of jars, you're going to try and use your strength.

28:46

Make a strength check for me to try and

28:48

roll your jars. You can both make strength

28:50

checks.

28:51

I'm not very strong, Dave. Well you can use your

28:53

last spell slot if you want. Oh, six.

28:56

Oh, I'm good, sixteen. Alright, Filge

28:58

goes rolls and smashes. Bethany Bethany, yep. Bethany

29:02

manages to roll it and smashes it off

29:04

the inbox tray and it smashes into pieces

29:07

on a desk. As you stand up

29:09

on an empty desk, there's like a picture

29:11

of a Tiefling's kid. There's

29:14

one of those executive toys. Yeah,

29:17

it's one of the Newton's Cradle things. But

29:19

because it's fantasy they call it like swing flongs.

29:22

And there's no strings. Bullshit. That's

29:24

nice, that's nice world building. He finds

29:27

this through myself. They

29:29

call it fling flongs bullshit and you

29:31

get them at like two

29:33

dollar shops. But of course they don't call them two dollar

29:35

shops. They call

29:38

them flakhead emporiums. Yeah,

29:42

one of them. And cheer

29:44

that. You're

29:46

here one day every few months. This

29:49

is my life. You can't... Ben

29:52

and Dave are roommates. Um, okay.

29:55

Like Ernie and Bert. Yeah, and

29:57

then there's also... Two beds in the same room. Check

29:59

out... to sleep in another room with the baby. There's a lot of paperwork

30:02

and you can see what looks like a giant

30:05

wall of scroll cases

30:07

that seems impossibly large because you know you're in a taut

30:09

tower. It's bigger on the inside that there's

30:11

this vast wall of scroll cases

30:14

that seems to have huge reservoirs of

30:16

knowledge in it. And behind you, irritatingly,

30:19

is Frizo who is pushing, flailing

30:23

against a glass canister that he does

30:25

not seem to be out. And Bethany,

30:27

other than that, the two of you are alone.

30:29

Okay, well I'm just going to leave Frizo there

30:31

so he just doesn't get up and do any shit.

30:35

And I'm going to use my wings of flying and

30:38

fly up to the bookshelf and I assume

30:40

it's alphabetically ordered. Make a wisdom save if you're

30:42

going to try and find this. And yeah, try and

30:44

send... Yeah, Boushous wisdom

30:47

save Seven.

30:48

Alright Seven, it takes you longer than

30:50

you wanted which means that Bethany flies

30:53

out of your vision, Frizo, as you're sort

30:55

of trapped on the glass trying

30:57

to look around. As you see her just dart

31:00

down the corridor in what you can only hope

31:02

is the direction of

31:05

Frizo's location. Meanwhile,

31:07

you'll continue to try and find your way out of the jar

31:10

when you suddenly hear a hiss

31:12

and you turn and look at a shelf

31:15

above you, staring at

31:17

you in your jar is a giant

31:21

irritated looking colossal

31:24

tabby cat. And it's

31:26

growling. What

31:28

are cats like? Possibly

31:31

Warlocks. Milk.

31:33

Do you like milk?

31:37

She looks at you and she hisses and then she

31:40

lands on the desk

31:42

and she starts stalking around your glass

31:45

jar as she gives it a whack and

31:47

it rolls back against the inbox.

31:50

Is it a smash? No, for now it doesn't

31:52

as you outbutt her plating.

31:55

Okay, I'm

31:57

just going to try and break out of the...

31:59

The glass shower again? 12 minus 1

32:02

is 11, does that do it? No it doesn't.

32:05

You give it another smash as she looks

32:07

at you, comes close and hisses as we go

32:09

down into the dead letters

32:11

lounge. Just sort of far deep

32:14

underneath the towers

32:17

of the faylion bureau as you smash

32:19

down onto the ground. I assume, Bobby,

32:21

you pull out the wand and enlarge you and

32:24

you find yourselves in a tastefully

32:26

appointed employee lounge.

32:28

There are a few fairies, no more clowns,

32:31

kind of some creepy clowns sort of

32:33

dotted around having drinks, whiskey. Hey

32:35

is there a coke machine that's like 1996? Yeah,

32:39

yep, there's a lovely coke machine

32:42

and otherwise and there's a bartender actually

32:44

as well serving and

32:46

largely it's drinks and quiche. That's

32:49

about it. Hey, what can I get you pal? Drink

32:51

or quiche? Drink. Drink,

32:54

there we go, one of each.

32:56

You get a quiche, you get a liquid quiche and a glass and And

33:03

you have a second to react you're obviously in the wrong, but

33:06

unfortunately there's no pneumatic machine to send you back. Sure.

33:11

I

33:14

can see that you're having a tough time. Bartender

33:16

looks at you like he asked you a question and

33:18

now you're talking to each other size and walks away.

33:22

Is a good quiche. Yeah, thank you. Alright.

33:26

Never anything for PD. I

33:30

don't know if this is the right time to talk about this or not.

33:32

Hey look. I mean

33:34

those guys are on it. We'll be We're

33:37

fine. We deserve to take a minute. If

33:40

we don't check in with each other and

33:42

see how each other are going It

33:45

can get bad. Trust me. Why?

33:48

Why are you being so nice to me? I

33:53

mean we're not all free though. I

33:57

get that this is weird. I get that you Probably

34:01

don't want to be here. I was in another time

34:03

like quite recently and now just

34:05

we're doing finding people I don't know and

34:09

no one's checking in. I'm checking

34:11

in. Make an insight check for me. That's

34:15

a 15 plus 3, 18. You

34:19

look into his eyes and for a second it looks like

34:22

he's quite distant, like he's sort of removed from the

34:24

conversation as if there's a wall between

34:26

the two of you. I grab his face

34:28

and turn it towards me. Full

34:31

of quiche. You pull

34:33

him from his quiche, yeah. Stop

34:36

saying kiss. I

34:39

can hear you and it's disgusting. Bobby's

34:43

lips tremble. And

34:47

as the two of them lean into each

34:49

other we spin up into the

34:51

hall of record. We spin

34:53

up into the hall of record. Every dimension is a

34:56

field just sitting in between them. Yeah.

35:01

We ordered like quiche. We

35:05

spin up into the hall of records where amidst

35:07

a smashed glass with very

35:10

little space to turn the warlock freezo

35:12

is trying to back away from a cat that

35:15

swipes her lips. What's your armor class freezo?

35:18

My armor class is the same. And

35:20

you take suddenly a raking claw

35:23

slash of your chest as you take another 9

35:25

points of damage on time. Is

35:27

that, is his last broken? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Move

35:30

the story

35:32

forward so that's on top

35:34

of the 25 different points that you already

35:36

took. Hey, yeah, yeah. King, I bet, you know, it

35:38

would be really beneficial in your situation right now. An

35:41

aggressive Scottish duck. I've

35:45

got something better

35:47

than that. Can I, when, when,

35:49

when? If this is a fucking pork roll.

35:54

No, for a pork. No, for a pork.

35:56

Um, can I, when the, when the cat

35:59

goes to attack me. Can I react and cast a

36:01

spell? Oh! Yes! I'm

36:04

sorry, I just- Well, well, well! That

36:06

is a legitimate application of Dungeons and

36:08

Dragons combat. I would like to cast Halt Monster

36:11

on the creature that I can see

36:13

within range. Mm-hmm. Uh, within 90-sees.

36:16

Yep. The dragon must have seen a wisdom

36:18

saving throw. Alright, this is a cat,

36:20

so it's wisdom four. Uh, what'd

36:22

you guess? Uh, it's a twelve minus...

36:26

Yeah, an eight. It's

36:29

a fail, that is. Um, you,

36:32

uh, are now, uh...

36:35

You know, the cat's not undead, is it?

36:38

What? It's a cat on the- it's a cat

36:40

on the dead. No, it's a tabby cat. It's not

36:42

even a lot- you're small. You understand how this works?

36:45

Yeah, no, I wasn't- I just didn't want you to do it. You're actually the girl with,

36:47

you know. So, the

36:49

cat is now paralyzed. Yep. Um,

36:52

and, uh... And that was your last

36:54

spell slot, so you can't fly, you can't get off

36:56

the desk, you can't do anything like that. I

37:00

guess. But I can! I'm gonna-

37:02

while the cat's paralyzed- While the cat is paralyzed,

37:04

you can obviously, um, any attacks

37:07

you do are automatic criticals and coup de gras, but it does require

37:09

concentration. Yes,

37:10

yes. It

37:13

just hooked. Well, it's my- well, how does it work with

37:15

strength and stuff, if you little- You know all your strength? You

37:17

attack- I'm treating it like a giant cat.

37:19

Okay.

37:20

Maybe I'll just slit its throat then, Dave. Ooh.

37:25

You're gonna- you're gonna slit the throat of the cat. It's

37:27

like a Mart McDonough over here. Hey,

37:30

that's good! I'm gonna take

37:32

my- Lost all these guys, isn't it? You're

37:34

gonna take- Scum. I'm gonna take my- Hey, someone

37:36

give me a thumbs up! I'll take my

37:38

glaze, and I will- And

37:41

my two armed- Put your glaze. Oh!

37:43

The two armed glaze. This is the weapon of- The

37:46

smoke- the smokey glaze? Of Skymaster

37:48

Chiron, yeah. Yes, and I will slit the cat's

37:50

throat. Alright.

37:54

I'm having moods for killing a cattle pig, moods for

37:56

using your glaze. What are the acting

37:58

things we've done?

37:59

This is the one they turn on. I mean, I could also

38:02

just witch-pulse it, but I think I'd only spell

38:04

pulse it. So just...

38:06

Picture, if you will, a vast

38:10

and powerful promenade of magic. A place

38:13

where creatures, real and unreal,

38:15

come together in the service of something greater,

38:17

something pure, something truer than themselves.

38:20

A mighty and powerful covenant between

38:23

the witchling and the witch. In

38:26

this precious place, the

38:29

dragon friends and Bethany smiles are separated

38:31

by space, if not by time, for once

38:33

in their miserable wretched lives,

38:36

as Bethany flitters

38:38

hither and thither, fuck you all,

38:42

in search for what she is finding,

38:44

even now an envelope

38:47

that she gives to the last known

38:50

whereabouts and current master

38:52

of the familiar pseudo-dragon fushu,

38:55

which she tucks into her...

38:58

Close... Hide

39:01

this up to her to decide whether she... Bra!

39:04

Into her bra? I'm gonna make you say bra. Into

39:06

her bra. Say it, babe. Bra! In

39:09

the air! With their name, say, brrrrraaa! And

39:11

yet, her bosom and nipple! With

39:14

no decision! She betwicked her bosom

39:16

and nipple, and how the fuck would that work? That's what I wanted

39:18

to say. Not she and the nock-witted-up, I betwicked. With no decision

39:21

made! Yet!

39:21

And he can't top her nipple! With

39:23

no decision made yet! Whether she will share this information

39:26

with the dragon friends, stick to her if

39:28

you can,

39:29

shelves

39:33

and shelves, sway, freezo,

39:36

a warlock with blood on his hands,

39:38

flitting the

39:40

throat of a cubby cat

39:43

beloved by the charming

39:45

bureaucrat who work in the vault of records, a cat which he

39:51

has paralyzed, a cat which no longer poses

39:54

a threat, and he's slitting its neck with a

39:56

giant two-handed glaive and

39:59

nobody...

39:59

He likes it and...

40:02

Somebody wants it, man! They're not clapping

40:05

you!

40:06

And just, and below that, miles

40:08

below that, miles, miles, miles, down

40:11

deep in the bowels of the FVF,

40:15

near a half-orc who is eating

40:17

a quiche, trying not to be involved,

40:20

as a turtle, proud,

40:23

druid, tortle that he is,

40:25

I guess, makes out

40:27

with a halfling. Who

40:30

died in space, has

40:32

lived countless lives and has little

40:35

to celebrate,

40:36

until now,

40:39

because love is a beautiful thing, adventure

40:43

is the best held with your friends, and

40:47

I can think of nothing better to do

40:49

in the FVF

40:51

than make out with a druid you

40:53

once met in a war zone from here.

40:58

The constant dragoncrant

40:59

for this week is Alex Lee, Simon

41:01

Greiner, Michael Hing and Tom Cardin. Our

41:04

dungeon master is Dave Harlan,

41:05

with NPC voices provided by Ben Jenkins,

41:07

and live accompaniment by Nick Harriess. Shakera

41:10

Khan is our producer,

41:11

podcast editor, mix and master, by me,

41:13

you guessed, and you have searched for the live

41:16

and the vanguard in Sydney

41:17

on mechanical land in the Zorn region. What's

41:29

the mattress? The Queen of England. Oh

41:31

yeah, no, this is a normal mattress. I bought the mattress that

41:33

the Queen of England sleeps on. You what? The

41:36

lady from the $5 note? What?

41:38

This sounds like

41:40

a bit, but it's true,

41:42

and I'm so glad we're finally all

41:44

talking about it. Sorry,

41:47

I know most strange things about Michael Hing.

41:49

I have a Google Doc going of strange

41:51

things about Michael Hing. I cannot know this.

41:54

Did you physically go, well, who's the most

41:56

similar to my body shape structure, right?

42:01

Yeah, I did! A coffin! Yeah,

42:04

it's a coffin.

42:06

No, this was before she died. I

42:08

didn't look up, uh, best mattress for

42:10

dead woman. No. I

42:12

looked up mattress for living

42:15

person. A normal Google

42:17

search. And

42:20

there were some ratings and I found one that was

42:23

rated very highly just to research on it. And it

42:25

turns out... And it just said HRH down the

42:27

bottom. And it just so happens the queen

42:29

also sleeps on this mattress. I

42:32

guess like, there is some kind of moral, like

42:34

it's made for the queen. Also Michael

42:37

Hicks. We don't have to

42:40

dox me in, you know. Does

42:42

that mean you have the same weird spinal

42:44

hump that she had? If it's

42:46

made for her, why is it comfortable for you? No,

42:50

no, no, no. It's not just specifically

42:52

made for her. By the way, I'm starting

42:55

to think this is a bad idea. Like I think enough

42:57

time has passed that people might forget that she

42:59

wasn't. But I'm like, remember the

43:02

remember like that fucking Cousin Minor

43:03

queen we had? She

43:06

was like everywhere. Like, ring that

43:09

bell!

43:13

And we had to be like, Vine!

43:16

And salute her. Mississippi,

43:18

to the Keisha rhyme. Have you ever googled your

43:21

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