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on the latest episodes without

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the ads. In

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one month, I miss a show. I come

0:22

back and there is candy in the Dungeon

0:24

Master bag. Yeah, that sounds about right. Hey,

0:26

did you listen back to the shows? Yeah,

0:28

I did listen back to the shows. Pretty

0:31

good. Some pretty good stuff there. Yeah, I

0:33

have some notes. Some pretty good stuff that's

0:35

not my problem. Dragon Friends must die. Dragon

0:39

Friends must die. Dragon Friends

0:41

must die. Dragon Friends must

0:43

die. Dragon Friends must

0:46

die. Dragon Friends must die. It

0:49

has been four scant days

0:51

since the Paladin Blackguard, Bethany

0:53

Smiles, came into the lives of

0:55

the Dragon Friends and yet it feels like

0:58

a year has come and gone since the

1:00

promise of a free horse caused you all

1:02

to rush to the post office and a

1:04

trap to kill you all. Has it honestly

1:07

been four days? Yeah, I counted it out.

1:09

It's been four days. And

1:12

only, I think you took two of them. I

1:14

think your adventure. In

1:16

truth, there has been no horse.

1:20

You have convinced Bethany to take you

1:22

across the nine known world in a

1:24

last chance mission to break the infernal

1:27

contract that binds her to your death.

1:30

The way has been hard. Mistakes

1:32

have been made. I can't think of

1:34

any. A lot of bystanders have been

1:36

killed by you, Freezo. And

1:39

yet Bethany's shopping list of requirements are

1:41

down to three simple tasks.

1:44

One, reunite with Freezo's

1:46

familiar. Two, find the

1:48

adventurer called Baston Indrirovich. Three,

1:50

take the contract to the Nessian Depths of Hell

1:53

and destroy it before Lysteria Obstrix, that

1:56

thrice-cursed queen of nightmares who

1:58

would murder you all. or

2:00

worse, expelled.

2:05

And also as I understand it for the last

2:07

two days you've been fucking around in some kind

2:09

of Griffith themed corporate training session or something that

2:11

Ben had you and you're on the run from

2:13

the cops riding on a giant ambulatory werewolf, is

2:15

that correct? Yes. Alright

2:17

great. So running through the boggy

2:20

marsh, the cops screaming behind you, some kind

2:22

of wailing sirens in

2:24

the distance, Bethany turns around her hair

2:26

whipping in the wind as she grabs

2:28

onto the shoulder of the embigined rubber

2:31

pancakes and says, don't worry

2:33

everyone, I've got a plan. Now

2:35

you remember when we went to the F.B.F. and

2:38

we found out the location of your

2:40

familiar, well actually he's more of my friend, Boushoud,

2:42

you know him right? Me not familiar

2:44

but yeah I feel like everyone's pretty on the

2:46

point. It turns

2:48

out that he's started working as a familiar

2:50

again. I sourced his location to

2:53

a house of a warlock called Derek, we should

2:55

go there right now unless you want to keep

2:57

fighting these cops, I mean it's really up to

2:59

you. Just let me kill the

3:01

last ones and then we'll go. I'm just

3:03

telling you, no one more has to die. If

3:05

anything they're receding into the distance, some

3:07

of them have stopped running in a sort of sweaty way

3:09

just waving you off like they're happy to let you go.

3:12

Okay I'll just kill one more, I'll just L

3:15

just blast the closest cop as we're

3:17

going. It's pretty close to Christmas. As

3:21

a treat. As a treat, as a Christmas pillow.

3:24

Oh I want for Christmas is to

3:26

kill a cop. Can I

3:28

do something really quick as well? What colour

3:30

do you want Eldritch Blast? Eldritch Blast, what

3:32

do you mean? Is it red? It was purple historically

3:34

but why do you want it to be red? I was going to do

3:36

maybe like a green tree sort of thing, it could be a red

3:38

and green sort of blast. Are that fine?

3:41

Yeah. Can you do that? I can summon some sort of

3:43

tree, I can do that. That's a 17. Okay

3:45

well that's alright. Are these spell flocks they're

3:47

using up? Yeah, Eldritch Blast is like a

3:49

cantrip. Can I just

3:51

also, I've just looked up the wand of Imbigining

3:54

and apparently it only lasts for one minute so

3:56

I'm probably going to get small pretty quick. where

6:00

there is a broad tenement house. Did you just...

6:03

Did I just what? Were you just trying to think

6:05

of the name of a place and then saw your own arm? No,

6:07

it's a... Because you were kind

6:09

of just articulated. Arm

6:11

is a... Arm is a... Arm I promise

6:13

you is a very famous city in Faerun.

6:15

It's part of the grand cosmology of Dungeons

6:18

and Dragons. We've been there before in this

6:20

podcast. Is it right next to... Curtain?

6:24

And... Audience.

6:29

Through this case, it flows

6:31

the river Bartender. You

6:42

can't usual suspects me. Now

6:46

listen, all of you. According to the

6:48

information from the FBF, Boushous

6:50

works here for a warlock

6:52

named Derek Cloudstrider. If

6:55

we can convince him to leave, he can

6:57

come with us. But because his contract is

6:59

new, he needs to come from his own

7:01

free will, which means we cannot force him

7:03

and your whole familiar relationship with him will

7:05

no longer work. He needs to want to

7:07

come. So as a team, we're going

7:09

to need to convince him to come with us. Now

7:12

I would like to think that you all care about

7:14

him and that this is going to work. Nothing.

7:21

And you said he has to want to come or something. It

7:24

was pretty good stuff. The audience picked up on it. Wait,

7:27

is that how we're getting in? Is

7:30

this like an HJ situation? Where we're... Can

7:34

I have a word? Yeah. I

7:36

feel like this is the finale of the show. I

7:39

feel like we only get five of these. Yeah. I

7:42

feel like I'm trying to do this with

7:44

assuming good intentions from you. And

7:47

I think, I feel like anything that I pick up and put down,

7:49

you were fucking up. Yeah. Well, the weather

7:51

outside. I think we don't need to do this. Okay. We

7:54

can vote for so delightful.

7:58

Yeah, you're gonna all behave. There's no

8:00

place to go. Okay,

8:06

so what are you going to do? Ping?

8:09

We're not going to jerk off Boushous. You're

8:17

in policy! While

8:20

all of this is going on, the door opens, even though

8:22

you haven't hit the doorbell yet, and an inquisitive looking figure

8:25

stands in the doorway. He's wearing

8:27

comfortable shirts, short sleeves of linen,

8:30

and what looks like a very functional pair of pants. Well

8:36

you'll see it hides my bottom

8:38

and penis, so... So

8:42

I've done... Are you done yet? The

8:46

word I was looking for was workman life.

8:50

You're really tickled, Simon. Oh

8:53

yeah, this is Derek. Hello. Can I hear...

8:56

Oh, is it Carol's? Oh

8:59

yeah, the house by the way. The

9:01

house is covered in Yulmous bunting, because

9:03

although it has only been four days,

9:05

this adventure started at Yulmous and it

9:07

will end at Yulmous. It is already

9:10

just a few days before Yulmous

9:12

has arrived. Oh wonderful, I've got

9:14

some wonderful Carol's here. Marge... Oh,

9:17

she's dead. I

9:19

sometimes, you know, forget. How

9:23

are you? Oh

9:25

yeah, we're good. Any requests?

9:28

Oh, I'd love to hear... You

9:31

know you're not a caroler, right Simon? I

9:34

can be a caroler. I'd

9:36

love to hear, kill the bastard

9:38

Krampus with a big great stick.

9:41

You know, that really just makes

9:44

me think about killing the Krampus

9:46

with a stick. He

10:00

will! He'll do it

10:02

every year, it would make you

10:04

sick But just let's go on

10:06

and kill them with the big

10:08

old stick I'll kill Krampus with

10:11

a big stick Let's kill

10:13

Krampus with a big

10:16

stick Let's kill him by

10:18

putting that stick through his

10:20

head until Krampus He

10:23

turns out dead, yes! Dead! I've

10:28

got some Yulemas canes

10:30

in this view He's just helping you with candy

10:32

canes in this way What a wonderful thing! Well,

10:35

thank you very much! And he closes the

10:38

door Preacher's going

10:40

to put his foot in the door as he goes

10:42

to close it That

10:44

is the most efficient way for

10:46

Karaling to turn sinister That's

10:49

funny games, yeah It's

10:52

a wonderful moment and then one of the

10:54

Karalas with a really intense expression on his

10:56

face Suddenly puts his boot in the door

10:58

and leans forward into the gap Derek?

11:01

Is it Derek? That's right He knows

11:03

your name Derek,

11:05

I'm here I'm

11:08

Fraser Fraserson from the,

11:11

I don't know, Warlock Ministry or something Did

11:14

you say awesome thing? Just

11:17

right up until that point, you had me And

11:22

I'm here to investigate a

11:24

crime that's been committed Excuse

11:27

me? There's been a crime that's been committed

11:29

and I'm here to investigate it The crime

11:31

of... Is

11:33

this usually how this goes? Murder! What?

11:38

There's been a murder and we

11:40

have some questions about your familiar Okay,

11:43

first of all I need you to make a deception check for me

11:45

because none of this is true A

11:47

DC-15 That's 12 plus my submission I mean

11:49

to be fair there's been a murder There's

11:51

been a number of murders Look, 10, that's like

11:53

22 or whatever He's visibly

11:55

sweating A murder! But

11:58

he's also weirdly excited In the

12:00

little town of Arm! We

12:03

haven't had a murder here in

12:05

months! Oh, he opens the

12:07

door and he beckons me all to come inside.

12:09

Come on in! You can smell it. You know

12:11

who I reckon it was? The

12:13

vicar of Arm! Oh,

12:15

he's about the renovations

12:19

in the temple. We

12:21

have evidence that links your

12:23

familiar Boushous to this crime.

12:28

We're not saying you didn't! Just before you,

12:30

I wasn't listening. Boushous, could you please bring

12:32

us some cinnamon buns? He

12:34

calls out and the door creaks

12:36

open as a figure arrives. Tall

12:39

muscles, powerful serpentine, holding a

12:41

tray with delicious shortbreads. And

12:44

to play that tray holding...

12:47

Snake? Please welcome

12:49

to the stage, you've got a good boy

12:51

on holiday for four years! This is

12:54

the new Boushous! He's

12:58

so cool! Boushous!

13:04

Thank you very much. I'm sorry I called you a snake,

13:06

I did it with love. Yeah, it's

13:08

dragon kind. Yeah, boushous. I

13:10

don't even know what these are, but they're wearing

13:12

them in Europe. That's all I've got to say.

13:15

For the benefit of the podcast, Eden

13:17

is wearing frankly an insane pair of

13:19

sunglasses. For those

13:21

of you who don't know, Eden has been

13:23

living on a farm in, I believe, rural

13:25

Canada for about 18 months. But

13:28

when he found out that Alex had COVID, he

13:30

booked a flight back to Dragon Friends and got

13:33

here just in time. I have to be here.

13:35

And Nick, when she's better again, he's got to

13:37

fuck right off again. No, we're going to kill

13:39

him like in the prestige. Nah. We're

13:42

going to put him right in the tank. No,

13:44

Eden's back, we've missed you. Get out of the

13:46

tank! Eden, your character, of course,

13:48

is boushous, but in the time of the beef babes, you become

13:50

a dragonborn sorcerer. You're level nine. You have

13:52

a whole bunch of... Heaps of shit, but I don't

13:55

remember. But right now what you have is important. But

13:57

he walked out and he's got a tray of the

13:59

cinema. and bonds but he's like I

14:03

made a round of occlusions as

14:05

well and he stopped

14:07

as he suddenly sees you all of

14:09

you arrayed around the room and his

14:11

face turns oh it's

14:13

slightly lighter green it's you but

14:17

this is awkward isn't it

14:19

Derek hey what's

14:22

an exclusion wait yeah

14:27

yeah I'm

14:29

adore exclusion yeah you know it's my

14:32

favorite Christmas drink are you alright I'm

14:34

just feeling a little bit sorry sorry

14:36

you know what is that eggnog and

14:38

Midori oh

14:41

you gotta try it I'll tell you what

14:44

you gotta it'll give you the biggest

14:46

bloody stiffy you've ever had rock

14:50

hard rock hard all around I tell

14:52

you what you don't need legs on the table with a

14:54

round of occlusion I don't know

14:57

what it is about him but we

14:59

have a freezer

15:06

these are former I don't know what

15:08

the fuck that is is that a

15:11

turtle what is going on I don't

15:13

really go walk people are you there

15:15

you as night for something well look

15:17

I suppose we've got I'm

15:20

sorry I'll just deal with my ex

15:22

first I apologize Derek this

15:24

is my ex master

15:28

freezer I'm not a cop I'm sorry I

15:30

told you I was a cop oh

15:32

well this is this just takes the

15:35

bloody Yilmos biscuit but I've got some

15:37

great news what it wasn't a murder

15:39

oh yeah but then we've

15:41

got bad news what we're

15:43

not carolers what we're

15:47

just here to talk to Bushu about

15:49

I guess the crime of what

15:52

happened did you leave me or did I fire you

15:54

I don't remember look we were

15:56

in the hell it was a different time it was

15:58

you know what guys this It just feels like this

16:00

is a big, this is a big, this

16:03

is not Derek's issue. Hey

16:05

Derek, how about I sing you a special private

16:07

carol in the other room and let these guys...

16:09

Sounds like a lap dance to it. Oh

16:13

would you? Hey, do you know, do you know, um, do

16:16

you know the Uilmas King and the Uilmas Queen in

16:18

Love Forever? Yep. Well

16:21

why don't you sing it to me while they talk and we can maybe

16:24

cut back to you every now and again. But

16:28

that song's an epic that goes for like 17 minutes.

16:30

It goes for a really long time, that's why I'm

16:32

gonna... He takes you into his...

16:34

I'm gonna create an illusion, get a

16:37

great big stiffy and have a

16:39

listen. He takes Bobby into a

16:41

small recording studio he has under

16:43

his stairs. That's where we do

16:45

our podcast. It's

16:49

called Boozoo and the Big D. It's

16:53

about baking and

16:56

crockery. Tell them to like

16:58

and subscribe if you're talking about the podcast.

17:01

Boozoo, we're here on a

17:04

quest something you're probably familiar with. Surprise,

17:06

surprise, you want something from me as usual.

17:09

We need you to leave Derek and come with us, we're

17:12

gonna go kill hell. I

17:15

mean, no, not correct at all but... Well

17:18

I don't, that seems like much too big a job. Meanwhile,

17:21

under the stairs. Then

17:24

the Queen said, well I'd like to,

17:26

but I have a headache tonight. The

17:29

King said, hey but it's Christmas.

17:31

And she said, well alright, but

17:33

actually no. But

17:36

actually no. Alright,

17:38

you convinced me. That seems

17:40

perfectly reasonable, I'll come with you. You've

17:45

listed a list of cogent

17:48

points that I can't possibly refute. And

17:51

I guess, well look, it makes perfect

17:53

sense to me. There's not another choice that I could make

17:55

with an argument like that. Boozoo.

18:02

Bethany Pigs are setting up seventy six I

18:04

have. I didn't see they are hiding in

18:06

the said as you wish you good wings.

18:08

Not one of us Ricky. For.

18:11

The last month. Have you been having

18:13

a dream? When. You walk along the

18:15

banks of a river and there is

18:17

woman with a soul, other her face

18:20

and tumble one but his plaything. Yes

18:22

yes, we're. And

18:24

as he walked towards you feel a growing

18:26

sense of dread and you feel that you're

18:28

sure that she's about to turn and show

18:30

you have three faces and just as she's

18:32

about to turn you wake up in of

18:34

have you been insisting me to get him

18:36

it's it's not cool I said no love

18:39

for as you remember when we made a

18:41

contracts in Nessa that we would kill the

18:43

dragon friends or I'm going. To be honest,

18:45

they. Did

18:48

you ever think that would come

18:50

back to buy some Not who

18:52

I hope So Yes yes well

18:54

I didn't know but look got

18:57

a good thing going on here.

18:59

Is this bursar talking for even

19:01

bother for who is that day

19:03

is hobbies as a nice look

19:05

of our greatest tests. I

19:10

guess what? what has to be done has to

19:13

be done. We. Have to

19:15

break free from this curse so I

19:17

can get back to living acquired domestic

19:19

last. Also on the artistic director for

19:22

be in Poland Yaga next season so

19:24

I won't get it off of the

19:26

was really artistic director yeah my first

19:29

collections company are hot just set up

19:31

massive should work out what who should

19:33

we do exactly three man what my

19:36

body front of hours of spot buses

19:38

a I have been he slumped to.

19:41

I feel like epilepsy. Aga is like. A

19:44

creature in the be there are echoed

19:47

so find bucket. Whatever your mathematics bullets,

19:49

the Up. your your

19:51

full collection of coming out the i'm

19:53

derek comes back upstairs ain't coming and

19:55

it's like abroad up for i forgot

19:58

how crook that sort of God

20:00

there's a lot of but you knew it

20:02

so I'm sorry Derek, but it's

20:05

over but what for at least six to

20:07

eight weeks however long

20:09

this takes What are you? I

20:12

thought you really didn't like this fella.

20:15

I don't okay, but you

20:17

should have heard the argument that he made Yeah,

20:23

I did it yeah, but anybody had heard

20:25

that it would make sense there No

20:28

one would argue no they wouldn't

20:30

but I mean I said well

20:32

gosh look it's been real Yeah,

20:35

well who's gonna tell me what night

20:37

the bins go out I? Write

20:41

you a list would you yeah, we're

20:43

live Changes so often

20:46

I keep up isn't the blue

20:48

beans the yellow bean. What is

20:50

this burger now? Sorry,

20:54

this is the second podcast In

20:57

a week where Ben Jenkins has

21:00

tried to weave the inner west

21:02

council bin changes Into

21:05

a comedy show So

21:10

it's Bush you write a very

21:12

short note that simply says Wednesdays

21:14

the bins go out on Wednesday

21:16

no that can't be right the

21:18

rest of Dragon friends

21:20

and the beef babes are gathered

21:23

together by Bethany Who

21:25

points to you freezo and once again as

21:28

you channel the energy of black staff tower

21:30

as you have been able to do Since

21:33

you used its scrying portal you summon

21:35

What arcane knowledge that you need to

21:37

find the location of best on in

21:40

Dura bitch and where is best on

21:42

the vision? swims into your face and

21:45

Through your face into your brain,

21:47

and what is going wrong with me? No,

21:49

it's good. You want to know what I

21:52

have to start at the face It's like

21:54

thought with the signuses and it

21:57

swims into view and you can see an

21:59

unmasked brain lying deep in the

22:01

deserts of the Anorak and

22:03

a single sword poking into the

22:05

sand, a forgotten grave, an unknown

22:08

marker where you believe is the

22:10

last resting place of your one-time

22:12

adventuring companion, Baston Indrirovich. Oh

22:15

shit, yeah we left him in the desert didn't we? Can't

22:17

be so good it's a grave to be honest. Like

22:20

if I was looking for somebody and I'd like

22:24

GPS them to a grave, I wouldn't

22:27

be sure. I

22:29

must meet up with that person where they put him to

22:31

Google Maps and it just shows you a graveyard? Yeah I'd

22:34

be like, ah, others

22:36

have become a goth. Or

22:39

they're dead and I don't know which is worse. The

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23:18

Well let's go check out the grave then Dave, because if we

23:20

dig up the grave we might be dead.

23:24

I've traveled with him for

23:26

seven years. So Bethany

23:29

picks up what you're putting down, activates your Fairland

23:31

Brooch for the last time of the day, the

23:33

portal opens again and all of you are whipped

23:35

through it. Who sure you are the last to

23:38

enter, you turn around and share one last look

23:40

with your almost familial...

23:44

One's dead. Oh but I'll

23:46

put it in the blue moon.

23:52

And you are through the wind,

23:55

your hair, there's the howling dry

23:57

heat even in this late evening.

24:00

Even song you can feel that this

24:02

is a hot dark desolate place But

24:04

the sand that you feel in your

24:06

hair is not beneath your feet indeed

24:08

It seems that the desert has been

24:10

paved over you are standing instead in

24:12

a vast wasteland

24:15

of tiles and concrete a

24:17

vast flat that goes in every

24:19

direction as far as you can

24:22

see with the rows and grids

24:24

of wagons and carts and Horses

24:26

waiting outside a giant building just

24:29

to the north of you where

24:31

a vast sign proclaims the Northlands

24:33

Well Market freezo your scribe sense

24:36

tells you I'm with

24:38

unerring Certainty that Baston

24:40

is somewhere in the building

24:43

Well, what's the front door look like Dave? And

24:46

the what does the for it's a it

24:48

is a vast building There is a huge

24:50

castle or is it like the an office

24:53

building? No, it's a bill It's called the

24:55

well market and it looks like it has

24:57

a collection of sort of storefronts I'd call

24:59

it brutalist if I had to put it

25:01

put an air on it near Absolutely, like

25:03

the like the buttercla now you're like the

25:06

better clown You can see people are streaming

25:08

out of it as I said, it's even

25:10

song. It's almost the end of the day

25:12

It's it is festooned with kind of pathetic

25:14

Yulemas pencils and Holly, but there

25:16

is one figure standing in a kind of

25:19

day glow vest a little halfling greeter Who's

25:21

standing by the imposing double doors that people

25:23

are streaming out of should we go chat

25:25

to the greeter? You know

25:28

what? Have you been to this place before? Excuse

25:31

me there greater welcome Northlands. Well

25:33

market where the savings never stop

25:36

Are you here for a last minute? Yulemas

25:39

shopping spree for a limited time

25:41

only in the main plaza You

25:43

can get your portrait drawn with

25:45

the Yulemas King and Queen what?

25:49

Well, we've got to do that. No, that's

25:52

a scam. They just use it to datamime. Oh Hope

25:57

you have a happy Yulemas day We're

26:00

looking for someone, our

26:02

friend is in there we think. Uh

26:04

huh. And we need to capture

26:07

him. What? Find

26:09

him. Well your friend should leave

26:11

another little figure in a vest comes out and he

26:14

goes, you know it's almost closing time, we're gonna be

26:16

locking up soon. Is this the only exit of

26:18

the well market? Yeah. The only one that

26:21

we've closed all the others, this is the main exit. So if someone

26:23

lit a fire in there, everyone would have to come out this way?

26:25

What, people are gonna come out anyway. Why, is there gonna be a

26:27

fire? What do you know about a fire? What

26:29

are you talking about a fire for? What are you talking about a fire

26:31

for? I'm gonna go around the back and I'm gonna set fire to

26:33

the back entrance. Why are you killing me that? Why are

26:35

you killing me at this? The back people come out this

26:37

way and then when best of comes out you guys

26:39

grab him, okay? I make three cover

26:41

pieces an hour, why are you giving me this information? I'm gonna

26:43

go around to the emergency in the back. Hang on, hang on,

26:45

just to break, why do you think, do you

26:48

think he's shopping? Well I

26:50

don't know where he, he said he was in the market. When

26:53

did he, when you left him, when, okay,

26:55

you left him in the desert, right? How

26:57

many thousands of you left? Let him do

26:59

this, let him get there himself Benjamin. What

27:01

do you mean thousands of years ago? What

27:03

are you fucking... Sorry. He's

27:07

so angry, he's taking his shirt

27:09

off. He's wearing a white

27:11

thing that he looks not unlike John McClain

27:13

from the Christmas film Die Hard. Dragon

27:16

Friends is a Christmas podcast. Sorry, okay, what, what have

27:19

I done wrong here? No, no, I want you to

27:21

get there yourself, hang, you can do this yourself. All

27:23

the information is in front of you. In the, if

27:25

everyone's in the well market, and then we need to

27:28

get them out, but we're on

27:30

a, we're on a time crunch, because you said

27:32

we're gonna take the story seriously because the world's

27:34

won the fucking year or whatever. I'm

27:37

gonna make everyone leave the well market quickly by

27:39

setting a fire inside the well market so they

27:41

all have to come out the front. And then

27:43

this will mean that... That Bastor runs

27:45

out and we grab him. Okay, so... And

27:47

how will Baston run out? What do you mean how will he run

27:49

out? The, the scrying all

27:52

the way over the fuck said he was in there.

27:54

I got a, an Arcanist sense. You're right, you left

27:56

him there. When did you leave him there? I

27:58

don't know, like six months ago. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,

28:01

ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, What did you

28:03

see in this crying walk? Did you see

28:06

him like walking around dancing? No, but, but

28:08

here's what I think, we saw it gray,

28:10

but you're here, so I think they're gonna

28:12

make you play it at some point. Pink

28:15

whispering is my favorite part of the podcast.

28:18

So that was, that was over 400 years ago. What

28:20

was? Do

28:26

you like to reminisce? Yes! No,

28:29

no, no, no, Thomas Simon, did you know

28:31

that? Yeah, it's kind of my origin story

28:33

is I'm here because I time travel to

28:36

help you guys. Have you forgotten

28:38

we've done time travel on this show? He's fulfilling the

28:41

unfinished job of Bassan because Bassan died,

28:43

that's why Logan is with us. Why?

28:45

I don't know. Time travel was last

28:47

season. Yeah, but that doesn't

28:49

mean it didn't happen. Yeah,

28:53

right, I think it was sort of wrapped up then.

28:55

Oh, I'd be like, well, that's done. Erase.

28:57

You have what, you know what you

28:59

have? You don't

29:01

have object permanence for stories.

29:05

Stories like, unless it's

29:07

happening to you right,

29:09

right now, it doesn't, you

29:12

have memento disease. Peekaboo

29:16

motherfucker. And you're suggesting

29:18

that I get a series of Dragon Friends

29:20

plot points tattooed to my arm? Would

29:22

you? Would you fucking hurt? Yes, please.

29:25

I already have Bobby. All

29:28

right, so, so you, do you

29:30

still want to set fire to the building? Yeah, go on, why not?

29:33

Mr. Turtle, I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. Logan.

29:38

Logan. And you, sorry, I've been doing it.

29:40

Who's your pleasure to make your acquaintance? I'm

29:42

so sorry about all of this. No, that's

29:44

all right. You got tied up in this

29:47

nonsense. This conversation

29:49

just behind them underneath, Freezo is like

29:51

striking a flinch. Where's

29:54

Beston? We're looking for Beston. Bethany,

29:56

Beston, what? We need to find

29:59

everyone and bring... Where's the cat? Well,

30:01

if the vision was correct, then his body must

30:03

be underneath... You know, this entire place used to

30:05

be the desert Anorak. They must have built the

30:08

well market over the desert. Okay then, well, if

30:10

we burn it to the ground, it's actually easier

30:12

to get the fucking body, alright? Freeze Dave, freeze

30:14

though! Oh yeah, where is he?

30:17

That was me yelling at you. Where

30:19

is Kit Jingserson? He's here. Oh, am

30:21

I? Oh, yeah. Where? Oh

30:23

no, no, no, no, Kit's still at the old court.

30:25

Oh no, no, I told him to come here and

30:27

meet us here, says Daphne. At

30:31

that moment, at that

30:33

moment, sauntering out of the

30:35

doors, yeah. Can I say what's impressive?

30:37

Yeah. In nine years, that's the first time

30:39

you've done something that shit. Sauntering

30:43

out of the doors with some wrapped

30:46

Yuma's presents in a gift bag, just

30:48

finishing off a little cardboard

30:50

thing of cinnamon donuts. Oh, what's he got in

30:53

this? Like what kind of... No, I... He's got

30:55

like a cane and like... Kit Jingserson, he's got

30:57

some body shop soaps. He went

30:59

to Lockertate and the body shop? Yeah, he did. What

31:02

ails this cat's skin? And Kiki K

31:04

and also like... Well, that's stationary. Hypo

31:06

as well. Oh, you went to Kiki

31:08

K and Hypo? Yeah, and Smeg. What's

31:10

that other one? No, it's not

31:12

megal. He went to Smegal. That was the only

31:15

place that he went. Five shops, two of them

31:17

with soaps and three of them were stationary. That's

31:19

crazy. Now, I do declare everybody come up.

31:21

I gather around, I have pens for everybody.

31:24

Kit Jingserson as I live

31:26

and breathe... Who shall leap

31:28

into my arm's view? The

31:30

slow motion running leaping into

31:33

the air... Three more years...

31:35

Open! Ho,

31:37

ho, ho... Oh my... You

31:40

are a good hugger. That

31:42

was nice. Oh... Thank

31:44

you so much. How are you? Hey, Logan, I see you

31:46

looking jealous of me. You want to get in here playing?

31:48

I'll be hanging out with my humanoids for a day.

31:51

So, it'll be nice to have you, mother.

31:53

He walks towards Frizo and like... grabs him

31:55

in a big hug and says, Frizo, would

31:57

you like a glittery pencil sharpener? No,

32:01

we're trying to track down Bastogne who's

32:03

in there. Do you remember Bastogne? I

32:06

have no idea who you are talking about. Right.

32:08

Well, we've got to find someone. You know the

32:10

people you promised to kill? No. Why

32:13

was one of them? One

32:16

of the others is in

32:18

here. He might be dead. And

32:22

he might have died 400 years ago. I believe there was some

32:24

time travel involved. Why don't

32:26

we go inside? Now

32:30

there's a man talking sense. Let's walk

32:32

inside. Okay. That's where the savings

32:34

never are you, Gon. Did you say

32:36

that the little halfling is there? You're looking

32:38

for some kind of relics from the

32:40

desert? Do I hear you right? Yes.

32:43

Well, if you could talk to my boss, I suppose

32:45

Gary, he runs all the greatest program. He knows more

32:48

about the history of this place than I do. He's

32:50

in the main plaza. Okay. We'll take us

32:52

to Gary, please. Really? I've got to tell you. I've

32:54

really got to tell you guys. We're closing pretty soon.

32:56

And when we close, you've got to go. Before

32:59

that, when you were trying to set fire to the side

33:01

of the building, and then I saw you look like you

33:04

were going to cast some kind of hostile spell, you're not

33:06

going to do anything like that, right? Not

33:08

if we get what we're looking for. Well, because if

33:10

you do that, I've got to talk to Mr.

33:12

Stevenson. That's as good as you're going to get.

33:14

Okay. Now, boys, how do you like bath bombs?

33:17

Oh, now you're talking my language.

33:20

It's that sprinkle dropping crystals and

33:22

bath bombs and tiny planets. I thought you

33:24

were going to give them... That's

33:27

lavender. No, no. It's like a beautiful

33:29

fragrant snow. It's just the... Oh, this

33:31

is a scrub for your bird. Oh,

33:33

a bug scrub. How does a cat

33:35

use a bath bomb? Is

33:38

it like a breath mint? Just put it in the water of

33:40

the bath? No, because you're not kind of used by looking at...

33:42

Cat bates. How do you use bath bombs? No,

33:45

no. I'm just... Just peeing at home at night licking

33:47

a bath bomb. Wait, so the... Enjoying

33:49

the beers. I bathe like a regular person, like a

33:51

human being. Yeah. But if I were to

33:53

bathe like a cat, I wouldn't bathe. I would just

33:55

lick myself. They just... Fucking make sense. I know... They

33:57

just chew a little frost and they... platform

34:00

for a catch is like a breakfast. Yeah, it's like a

34:02

windfills. Yeah, I just got on his wavelength, that's so upsetting.

34:04

Do you know what? That's actually

34:06

a really good question. Thank you

34:09

everybody. Let's not dwell

34:11

on that though, because you make your way to the

34:13

main plaza. As you

34:15

do, you can suddenly, you

34:17

can hear some kind of chimes are starting

34:19

to sound as people are streaming out of

34:21

what looks like only half full to be

34:23

honest, even on this floor, there's a lot

34:25

of empty shops. It looks like it's run

34:28

down or it's just starting up the

34:30

well markets. But you suddenly,

34:34

something happens to you. Sorry,

34:36

can I have some dice quickly? Yeah, what

34:38

kind? Take them all, they're yours buddy. We're at

34:40

the 50 minute mark and you were looking for

34:42

dice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All

34:45

right, it's a kit actually. What

34:47

is your passive, make wisdom say for me.

34:51

Yo. That's

34:54

a one. Whoops,

34:58

I can't, you suddenly sprawl over on

35:00

the ground. You whip around quickly. It

35:02

seems someone's tripped you. You take three

35:04

hit points of damage, not a huge

35:07

amount of damage. You spin around as

35:09

everybody sees kits suddenly go tumbling over

35:11

cinnamon bonbons and bath bombs and highlighters

35:14

going everywhere as you spin around. And you

35:16

can see the crowd streaming past you, but

35:18

you can't see who tripped you. And it

35:21

seems not only that, but the people that

35:23

are exiting do not care. None of them are even

35:25

looking at you. They're ignoring you as

35:27

they stream past you out of the door. Are they walking

35:29

on me? No, they actually, the crowd parts around you, but

35:31

they all ignore you. I

35:38

walk towards the crowd, what

35:40

happens? I get up and walk.

35:42

You slowly pierce your way through it, walking much more

35:44

carefully this time. And although you've

35:47

sensed something very, very strange about what

35:49

just happened, you try not to worry

35:51

about it. As the Christmas music comes,

35:53

you make your way into the main

35:55

plaza, which has been tastefully done up

35:57

to represent that glorious, glorious holiday of

35:59

Yilma. as the Yulmus

36:01

village in the traditional finery, the

36:04

penance and banners, the spears in

36:06

the ground, the stuffed

36:08

clothes made up to look like the massacred

36:10

corpses of the Krampus hordes, and

36:13

on a throne of their skulls

36:15

lovingly made in timber and plaster

36:17

are two giant golden chairs, and

36:20

on one of those golden chairs

36:22

is a figure resplendent in his

36:24

red velvet robes of the Yulmus

36:26

king who seems to be eating

36:29

a burrito. Oh

36:31

this is really good guys, this

36:33

is really bloody, well done, this

36:35

is really, you know I said

36:37

cheese and I said guacamole and

36:39

I said beef

36:43

and I said beans and

36:45

I said rice and I

36:47

said all of those things. Who

36:50

is he talking to? He's talking to another sort

36:52

of teenage halfling and Denny the halfling who came

36:54

in with your points at him and he goes

36:56

that's Gary, that's my boss, I've got to go

36:58

back, if he sees I'm not at the door

37:00

I'll be in big trouble, especially now we're closing

37:02

and he disappears. And I said onions and I

37:04

said salsa and

37:08

I said can you make it so there's chips in

37:10

there. Are you going to eat the whole thing here

37:12

or are you going to? Well I don't think that

37:14

would be very... Is he eating it or is he

37:16

just looking at a burrito? He's

37:19

explaining it to the teenage village workshop manager

37:21

who's standing next to him and he's like

37:23

right, it's just you've got the burrito

37:25

so we could close it now

37:27

I suppose. We could close what? The

37:30

village, the village we... Well aren't there

37:32

more people to see and spread Yulmus

37:34

cheer to? Maybe... Because

37:37

this bloody thing could wait, that

37:40

could wait and I could... There's one

37:42

more little boy who needs some Christmas

37:45

cheer. Oh hello little boy. Here's my

37:47

son Bobby Pancakes, I push

37:49

his voice. Hello. Um,

37:54

Yulmus King? Yes that's me, I'm

37:56

the Yulmus King and then he gives a wink to

37:58

one of the elves. Look,

38:01

I'm sorry, I'm Gary. We're

38:04

really going to have to make this late. We're supposed

38:06

to be closed already. I've got to get... But the

38:08

Yule must kick the Yule must kick him. I've got

38:10

to get Reggie back to the home. We're going to

38:12

have to kick him out this late. Well, who's Reggie?

38:15

Oh, this is just sad. Who's?

38:18

Alright. Well, either Yule must

38:20

kick here and he'll see this... Was it Bobby?

38:23

You've got until he finishes his burrito. Alright,

38:25

well, I'll put that over there. Now,

38:29

Cabot, what brings you to the Yule

38:31

must feel like... Cold hard facts. I

38:33

need them and I need them now.

38:37

Oh, good to see. What about

38:39

a... Cold hard facts. Don't make

38:41

him angry. He hasn't had a snack

38:43

this afternoon. Oh, good

38:45

to see. What about some Ninjago Legos? You

38:48

know? I'm more interested

38:51

in bodies. Oh! You

38:55

know, maybe we should bloody close this up. I think it's

38:57

getting a little bit... Where are the relics? What?

38:59

Where are the relics, man? The relics?

39:01

Tell us where the relics are. I got a burrito in my

39:04

hand. Make an intimidation check. Yeah. I

39:06

heard there's a lot of good stuff in here. Oh, yeah.

39:09

There's... There's... There's Quocamole.

39:11

It's salsa? Not long, big boy.

39:13

No, you wouldn't. I wouldn't. You

39:16

wouldn't take it out. I'll do whatever

39:18

you're thinking I do to it right

39:20

now. Ten. Alright, you got a ten.

39:22

So a ten is a terrible intimidation, Paul. I think Logan

39:24

gives him advantage because he's taken it... Advantage! Give

39:27

him advantage! Advantage! Advantage!

39:30

Advantage! Advantage! Advantage!

39:33

You don't need advantage because ten is a terrible

39:35

role, but this is just an old man from

39:37

a retirement home that you were bullying and you

39:39

are a level nine champion. Oh,

39:42

the sweetest kind of man to bully. So

39:46

he looks at you and his face turns white and

39:48

he starts to cry as he goes... Oh, gosh, I

39:50

don't know. I have... Relics?

40:00

Well, I don't know anything about that, but

40:02

look, I guess if you're

40:04

talking about the desert, and you're

40:06

talking about the time before, it's all been

40:09

built on top of it. There was

40:11

a thing a little while ago, the lower levels

40:13

of the shopping centre. You

40:18

get the building permit, but that's right, they were going

40:20

to make the museum. They had to make the museum.

40:22

Do you know what's really, when I'm talking... Yeah. You

40:26

don't want me to be... Well, it just makes

40:28

it seem like I don't know what I'm doing. Always

40:32

king! If you want to see the burrito, you're going

40:34

to tell us exactly where that passage is to downstairs.

40:37

Well, it's around the corner

40:40

past the fantasy footlocker, and...

40:44

Young man, you seem much more switched on.

40:46

Can you take us to the museum? Please.

40:50

I just... Now

40:52

you can see that the place is very, very empty.

40:54

The chimes have started to chime incessantly, and he's like,

40:57

look, I can't. Would you have to get up to your

40:59

mummy? Yes, I do. I'm only

41:01

15 years old. I said I was a

41:03

teenager. Look, look. And he

41:06

pulls around from around his chain on his neck, and

41:08

he gives you a brass key, and he goes, that

41:10

leads into the service access tunnel. You're going to need

41:12

to take that. Just so you

41:14

know, that was not a good thing to do.

41:16

If you want to keep your job in future,

41:18

obviously we won't do anything bad. You're

41:20

all armed, and you said you were very mean

41:22

to Reggie. Okay, run off to mummy, big boy.

41:27

Wait. Do you guys still want a drawing

41:30

of us all

41:32

together, or...? What? How long

41:34

will it take? What's that for? Sure,

41:37

sure. Sure, Reggie. Okay, actually

41:39

we're here. Yeah, let's get a short

41:42

puppy. Okay, let's get everybody in here.

41:45

You get together and Reggie, looking very confused

41:47

and now worried about his job security, quickly

41:49

goes to the informatics, photography,

41:52

portrait stand, which is magic. It's fucking

41:54

magic. No, it's a bird in a

41:56

box drawing a picture of all these

41:58

boys. Yes we're loving!

42:01

I went to art school for seven

42:03

years, Biddy. Wait, I got beakers all

42:05

like... He uses a wand of magic

42:08

image and he puts an imprint onto

42:10

a small disk of electrum and it

42:12

spits it out and it is a

42:14

figure, a beautiful lithograph of the six

42:17

adventurers surrounding Reggie Stubbs aka the Ulamis

42:19

King which he hands... it takes

42:21

up any hands too? He hands to

42:24

Frieza and he says, there you

42:27

go you can put them in your pocket and can

42:29

I just say it's

42:31

been lovely meeting you all and best of luck

42:34

and he looks you dead in the eye and

42:36

says Frieza, Frieza,

42:38

Frieza? Well

42:41

no need to look deeper

42:43

into that, off we go!

42:45

No need and no time

42:47

or as the chimes begin

42:49

to sound sonorous, loud and

42:51

ominous it seems that the

42:53

Northlands well market is well

42:55

and truly closed for the

42:58

night. It is best not

43:00

to dwell in the darkness

43:02

amongst shadows and statues of

43:04

commerce and yet fear the

43:06

dragon friends find themselves locked

43:08

in the proverbial museum with

43:10

nothing but a copper key, a

43:12

quest to find a body and

43:14

a small paper bag of cinnamon

43:17

bonbons to enjoy and

43:21

one slightly used

43:24

discarded sizzling

43:26

Salsa or Sriracha? Burrito.

43:32

Tune in to find out what happens

43:34

next the

43:39

last of the year

43:42

episode and it will all and we'll

43:44

finish it so don't be we can

43:47

we can fix this the

43:56

class of dragon friends for this month is Raman

43:58

Rama the multiple who even ate and

44:00

Tom Cardy. A voted master is Dave Harmon

44:03

with MPD Voices provided by Ben Jenkins and

44:05

the Library Complement by Nick Harry. Shakira Khan

44:07

is our producer, the podcast edited, mixed and

44:09

mastered by me, Hugh Guest, and new episodes

44:12

are recorded at the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney

44:14

on Gadigal land in New York. Take

44:16

a look. Alright

44:19

David, I don't know if

44:21

this had happened yet. Sippy,

44:29

sippy, I don't know if this had happened yet. Are

44:31

you doing a call back to something you did on

44:33

another podcast? On another podcast. But

44:35

I fought the council in one. Did

44:38

you? I got a bigger

44:40

bin! Yeah! Woo!

44:44

God that's gross. It's so cute. Ben,

44:46

it's just a drop down menu on their

44:48

website. Where's this one? We're like, uh, hi,

44:50

it's Ben Jenkins again. It's

44:56

just not big enough. And

44:58

I'm just going to keep on calling. I

45:00

think because they checked your search history and

45:03

they found multiple entries for Kildosah. Yeah, Kildosah

45:05

is Unabomber, things of that nature. Frankly they've

45:07

given over. We can't mess with this guy.

45:09

Frankly they've just binned it's too large. You

45:12

know, I forgot about the Kildosah. The Kildosah

45:14

was a man who went postal and

45:16

fortified his bulldozer. Yeah, he sipped it.

45:18

He sipped it. Yeah,

45:20

he was in battle with

45:23

the council and he bought

45:25

a bulldozer and then cemented

45:27

himself into the bulldozer. By

45:30

random force who knows about the Ballad of

45:32

Kildosah? Oh fantastic! You're going to learn a

45:34

lot. So like in

45:36

the early 2000s a man... Sorry,

45:39

can we just play the theme song

45:41

for this new podcast within the podcast? You know

45:43

what, I'll tell you about it later. Then

45:46

we'll finish this story in the next episode of Free

45:48

to a Good Home. Follow it

45:50

along. And so as Bushu writes... You're

45:53

brought up Kildosah! A very... podcast

46:00

party. Good news. Ad-free

46:02

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46:04

your Prime membership. Just head

46:07

to amazon.com/adfreecomedy to catch up

46:09

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46:11

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46:14

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