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warbyparker.com/covered. One

0:33

of my friends is here tonight.

0:35

Yeah. And she was dragged along by her

0:37

partner. And he told her, I'm

0:39

just sorry, I didn't ask you if I could read this to

0:41

the entire crowd. And

0:45

he told her that drag and

0:47

friends, this is a cross between Lego

0:49

Masters and Harry Potter. All right,

0:54

which one of us is Hamish and which one of

0:56

us is Severus? The

1:15

Earth shakes as you approach

1:17

the craggy slopes of Gloobshaka volcano.

1:22

The sky is dark

1:25

and the last rays

1:27

of the sun hide

1:30

behind the mighty mountain.

1:33

All you can see is the infernal

1:35

glow of the lava as it winds

1:38

down towards the sea. The red glow

1:40

from the volcano's mouth lights the already

1:42

dense smoky air. The volcano

1:45

wakes. Hello.

1:47

Volcano what? Wanks.

1:50

It masturbates. It's

1:53

a wanks. The volcano awakes.

1:55

Rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble. Splash.

2:00

Slava. That's another big chunk of lava that

2:02

went into the water there guys. Boom!

2:06

Volcano time. Are we at the base of

2:08

the volcano? You find

2:10

yourselves, the heroes of

2:12

the earth, climbing the slopes,

2:15

the craggy black blasted

2:18

slopes of the volcano.

2:23

And it's all like rock.

2:26

You know, you're above the

2:28

tree line. It looks, yeah.

2:31

It's not sedimentary, it's igneous

2:33

rock. Igneous baby. That

2:36

shit's igneous as hell. Yeah, yeah,

2:38

yeah. Big igneous energy. And

2:41

you're above, you've left, you've been walking for

2:43

several hours now. It was the afternoon before,

2:45

it's taken you a few hours to get

2:47

up to the side of the mountain. Above

2:49

the tree line, above the jungle where it's

2:51

just blasted, newly

2:56

made igneous rock. And

3:00

what is the, does Ennui, Wen-wee, what's

3:03

his name? One-wee. One-wee. Does One-wee know

3:05

what he has to do for this

3:07

ritual? You hear him muttering, climb to

3:10

the top of the mountain, then you

3:12

gotta go inside the mountain, get to

3:14

the bottom of the mountain, burn yourself

3:16

with fire, and then you are a

3:19

man. Now,

3:24

this might be a bit of a

3:26

silly question, but what

3:29

is lava? Is

3:31

it some sort of... Wait, are

3:33

you asking like a scientific, like is it plasma or

3:36

is it liquid? Is it salt? Are you like a

3:38

fucking moron? Whoa, whoa, whoa, no down egghead. Okay, you're

3:40

fucking... It

3:42

looks red. And

3:46

you guys are talking

3:48

about rocks, but

3:50

rocks can't be red. What do you

3:53

mean? Or runny for

3:55

that matter. Okay, runny rocks. Oh,

4:00

tell me. What

4:03

is it? I

4:05

genuinely don't know if this is Simon or

4:08

his character that I like to see.

4:10

Okay, um, first of all, rocks can

4:12

definitely be red. Ha

4:15

ha ha ha, okay. Yeah,

4:19

rocks can also be runny, because it's

4:21

Molten Rock. Molten

4:24

Rock. You're saying that word

4:26

like I know what it means. Molten

4:29

kinda means like, melting.

4:31

Molten! Molten Rock. Ha

4:33

ha, so Molten Rock you need a

4:36

heat so hot that it could... Oh

4:39

my god. We're

4:42

walking towards a

4:45

heat so hot it can milk rocks? My

4:48

understanding of this planet... Are you insane?

4:50

Oh, what do you mean? These

4:53

aren't just hot rocks, they're Molten Rock.

4:55

Yeah, of course. Oh, you're being silly.

4:57

Heat so bright, this is the one

4:59

that wanted me to come up here

5:01

in the first place. And with that,

5:04

the earth, there's a crack and the

5:06

thin sheets of rock, cooled rock underneath

5:08

you. Cracks, revealing a river of molten

5:10

lava beneath you. Dex checks all

5:12

round, or you fall into the melted rock. Hot,

5:14

hot, hot! Is it a saving throw or is

5:16

it a check? It's a dexterity

5:19

saving throw. No, it's a

5:21

saving throw, that's a 16 for me. A

5:24

mass 20. And this is Demi. Oh,

5:26

oh, no, I have advantage on Dex, on

5:29

Dex saving throw. Yeah. That's

5:31

13. Well, luckily you

5:34

all pass, but let that be

5:36

a warning to you. Is

5:39

that the volcano? Yeah, exactly. No,

5:43

it's Celestia's voice. You hear it in

5:45

Celestia's voice. Like she's in your mind.

5:49

My mind. Morning,

5:52

morning, morning. Oh,

5:56

I cut it out and she bonked myself

5:58

on the head. Out you go. Out you

6:00

go, don't need any of that. That's

6:02

what you do whenever you have a bad feeling.

6:05

What? If you've ever got a bad feeling

6:07

or a bad thought and you've ever tried it. Out

6:10

you go, out you go. Don't

6:12

want any of that. So you're sort of hitting

6:14

yourself in the head while you say that. Yeah,

6:17

yeah and it just goes right out. That's why

6:19

I'm so happy. I think you

6:21

should try therapy. Sorry,

6:27

this is a conversation I've had with my mom. It

6:30

is very pretty. Oh, you're a piece in

6:32

your therapy. Shit, chat, chat.

6:36

And you wind and wind

6:38

your way carefully. Jarian cannot,

6:41

he's so freaked out he's just got

6:43

his eyes shut. And he's like, I can go

6:45

as long for it as long as I

6:47

can see it. So

6:49

somebody just point me in the right direction.

6:52

And one way's also close his eyes because

6:54

he thinks it's a game. He's like, yes,

6:56

you're the leader first and

6:59

you take us to the top. And he

7:01

tries to wink, but his eyes

7:03

are closed. How

7:05

much do we think Valerian weighs? How

7:08

much does Tom Cruise? What

7:12

do you mean like 65

7:14

kilos probably? 68 kilograms. Oh, it's

7:16

close. Wow, wow. I

7:19

did not bench press Mr. Cruise. I was going to ask him to take

7:21

me to the roof. We were

7:23

instructed not to touch Mr. Cruise. And then he grabbed me and

7:25

shook me. Anyway, I'm going to offer

7:27

Valerian a piggyback.

7:33

Thank you. Do I hold

7:35

on to the horns or? That's to me.

7:40

Broom, broom. I am not a

7:42

beast of burden. Hey,

7:45

shoulders, as is dignified in the

7:47

piggyback arena. Is

7:50

that how you give a piggyback? I don't really know. Is it

7:52

hugging shoulders? Is it arms around neck? It's kind of arms around

7:54

neck, isn't it? Is that how you normally do

7:56

it? Yeah, but I

7:58

haven't given or received. to piggyback in

8:01

along many decades even Michael

8:03

what a sad inside but also you're

8:06

in the cost of giving so many piggyback when

8:09

was the last time you gave a pic you

8:11

gave me back yesterday oh yeah well yeah what

8:14

fine I will allow you to see me by

8:16

my horns oh

8:19

thanks I'm so

8:22

scared all right

8:24

looks like you're leading on my neck yes

8:31

but it evaporates almost immediately because

8:33

it's so you go up the

8:37

mountain okay all right everyone up we

8:39

go now one foot in front of the other

8:41

now no need to be scared because it's

8:44

not like the rocks are just runny sometimes they

8:46

also explode up into the air yeah

8:50

absolutely you get to the top and

8:52

then we just wind down it's actually a lot

8:59

less destructive on the inside you get

9:01

to the bottom get a little handful

9:03

of lava slop it on your arm

9:05

burn your arm burn your hand

9:07

I guess as well and then

9:10

you're mad what we

9:12

gotta jump into a pool of milk no

9:15

they're sacred lava down the bottom in the

9:17

middle of the you guys could become adult

9:19

you could become men as well of you

9:21

you wanted my culture does a different thing

9:24

to become a man oh what in

9:26

my culture to become a man you've got to sit in a chair

9:28

and as he

9:31

says this you arrive at

9:34

the lip of the mountain

9:36

at the lip of the crater and

9:40

below you you see

9:42

the bubbling boiling roiling

9:44

roiling crater of blue shock

9:50

and in the middle of it an

9:53

island a little

9:55

island of what looks like

9:57

cooler molten lava that

9:59

is still molten but still molten it

10:01

just looks a little cooler it's like

10:04

orange instead of yellow you know like it's cooled

10:06

a little bit I wouldn't walk on it if

10:09

I were you but anyway as

10:11

you as you're the top can everyone make a perception check

10:13

mmm Oh

10:16

bad bad my eyes are shut

10:19

okay um

10:24

you you feel a push

10:26

on your back Oh

10:30

turn around and a group

10:32

of mollywugs about the

10:34

same just a bit taller than one

10:36

we standing surrounding you know did it

10:40

oh you again Oh

10:43

virgins what the hell

10:45

are you doing up here oh hey

10:48

everybody this is Griffin McElroy your

10:50

dungeon master and sweet daviest brother

10:53

and thank you very much for tuning into

10:55

the adventure zone what you're about to

10:57

hear is the pilot episode oh dear

10:59

about what brother my brother me you

11:01

may have already heard it it

11:04

was our experimental bloody episode and

11:06

experiment that a lot of you

11:08

really loved and told us that

11:10

you wanted more of so thank

11:12

you for that outpouring of support

11:16

we really wanted okay

11:18

thank you dinner yeah

11:23

wow cool awesome

11:26

well you will hey one we

11:29

will you made it to the top of the mountain yeah

11:33

well doing here why are you down there

11:35

mucking around playing down there well I just

11:37

came up see the you know to cheer

11:39

on I wanted to cheer on all the

11:42

junior Glee Club members as they came off

11:44

the mountain and then they go

11:46

into the crater and then they come back out

11:48

hey listen gunk I don't need to do all

11:50

this bullshit about a glee club I've had a

11:52

girlfriend now you shut your you're

11:54

a liar I'm not a liar check this out and

11:56

then he goes to look and he pulls out an

11:58

eye like a little Long

12:01

stalk of a crab with an eye

12:03

goes, this was her eye and she

12:05

wanted to eat me. That's

12:08

right. Whoa,

12:10

okay well... He was

12:12

older. And

12:15

that counts for more points.

12:20

Well, I mean, you might have had a girlfriend,

12:22

but you'll never be a man. You

12:24

know what I'm saying? Why? Why? Why? Well,

12:27

all the young Bullyworx who've

12:29

gone down, they

12:32

haven't come back out. They've

12:34

just disappeared down

12:38

into the volcano and

12:40

they didn't come out. I

12:44

told you, I told you that what would happen

12:46

if you mess with the Sloppy Rock, you get

12:48

burnt! Totally, dude.

12:50

Like, totally. Honestly, like the cook went

12:52

down... Yeah, the cook went down. If

12:55

the cook doesn't come down, we have

12:57

no more cook. Yeah, and like the

12:59

chief hunter of the

13:02

tribe went down, if he doesn't come out, then we'll

13:04

have no more... Sorry, the chief hunter

13:06

of your tribe was a boy. His

13:10

son. His son. The son of the chief

13:12

hunter, you know, so there'll be no over

13:14

the next generation. Right. Yeah. And

13:17

what are you? What's your role in the

13:19

village? I'm in real estate. Okay.

13:24

Yeah. Yeah. So,

13:26

everybody freak out, okay?

13:29

Sorry, did you write the

13:31

copy describing the

13:33

volcano? Yeah, yeah. That made everyone want to

13:36

come and see the volcano? Yeah. And

13:38

did you maybe leave out some key dangerous

13:41

factors in describing the

13:43

volcano? Hey, look, in-floor heating is in-floor

13:45

heating, you know. Yeah, it

13:47

is. Oh, you're a piece of shit. Listen

13:52

here. Oh, right, okay. You've done... you

13:54

did this previously, right? Last year, yeah.

13:56

And so what did the volcano look like this on

13:58

the inside when you did it? Um,

14:01

it looks the same but honestly you

14:03

see the little island down there? Yeah.

14:06

You look down and there's an island and you

14:08

can make some perception checks for me if you

14:10

want. Oh. Yeah.

14:12

Oh. Fail,

14:14

I got a 6. I'm gonna open my eyes, I got

14:16

an 18. You see down on the

14:18

kind of island in the middle of the

14:20

crater, the

14:23

spinning jade green

14:26

forms of the blades

14:29

of grass. The

14:32

curved blades whistling

14:35

and spinning. Oh, that terrible

14:37

song. Yeah. More

14:39

like a poem. They look like... Oh,

14:42

they were your dead dad's knife.

14:44

Yeah. Yeah, well that's

14:46

what you say. Yeah, they get down

14:49

there and then they put their hands

14:51

in and then they just disappear. Well,

14:53

that's no good. Although

14:59

that map belongs to me so they shouldn't go

15:01

grabbing their froggy little fingers on just anything they

15:03

like. Oh, that's smart and I'll go and get

15:06

that actually. Can I fly down?

15:09

Oh, yeah, I guess you can

15:11

fly. All right, hang on. We

15:15

didn't think about this. We didn't think

15:17

about this. Well, like and then they'll

15:19

walk down. Wait, wait, wait,

15:21

what? Did you forget that that's

15:24

going to fly? Yeah, we totally

15:26

forgot. We forgot? I didn't forget.

15:28

I just ignored the fact. You

15:31

just ignored it? Yeah, so it would be more fun if

15:33

I ignored it. I

15:36

forget not everyone ignores the same things I do. How

15:39

about all that lava spitting out of

15:42

the volcano though? Oh, exciting you are.

15:45

Oh, yeah, deck checker bee, chucker.

15:47

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so tough.

15:50

I think spot full of chunk

15:52

of lava. Yeah, yeah, it's got

15:55

Nick Harriett's face on it. A

15:58

big angry chunk of lava. As

16:00

you float down on the magma and

16:02

the heat waves, flying down towards the

16:04

center of the volcano, make a text

16:06

check please as a big chunk of

16:09

man lava. Thanks, right? Oh

16:11

my god, yuck. Flies itself at you.

16:13

Oh my god. A sunka

16:16

chunka, sunka chunka. You

16:18

take six points of damage. Oh,

16:20

well I have done. Holy

16:28

waddle gets sunk and

16:30

spins and it falls into a

16:33

death spiral. Why

16:36

is it anything? Man,

16:40

I think we all know that my blood

16:42

is on Nick, Harriet, Pam. You

16:45

think maybe this is the time I'll speak up

16:48

to say a little quip with the crew and

16:50

then I'll kill them. Yeah,

16:53

flying down and landing with a with

16:55

a plap. Holly! Holly!

16:58

Holly! But she's like

17:01

60 meters below you and there's

17:03

a winding path going. If it had jumped, could

17:05

you jump it? Oh, I wouldn't. 60 meters jump

17:07

into the lava? Yeah,

17:09

you'd probably jump it. You

17:12

can see there is a path winding its

17:14

way down. But Polly, who had wings, it

17:16

did not work well for. You do whatever

17:18

you like. No

17:21

branch. I'm

17:24

gonna charge down the path and just run. You're

17:26

just running, going fast, you're dashing. You see my

17:28

goring rush. You're

17:30

just... I'm on his

17:32

shoulders. Open

17:35

your eyes and stare! Open your eyes

17:37

and stare! Aah! Right,

17:40

right, right, right, left, left!

17:42

Oh god, there's rocks everywhere, man! Fuck,

17:44

fuck, fuck! Fuck,

17:46

fuck, fuck! And

17:49

as the boulders bounce down and

17:51

explode, they just bounce off you

17:54

like so many pebbles. And I'm like,

17:56

that a two-e's, man. That's what I'm

17:58

saying. And

18:00

you arrived down on

18:03

the island at the center of

18:05

the volcano. I'm

18:09

going to... Magma, burbling and popping

18:11

around you. I'm going to...

18:13

I've got good berries as

18:15

a ranger. Oh, there

18:17

you go. And I'm

18:19

going to give five

18:22

good berries to Polly

18:24

Waddle. I'm going to pry open her beak and

18:26

drop them in one by one. Do them

18:28

a little mash... do a little mashing? Mash

18:30

them a little beak? What kind of berries

18:32

are they? They're good berries. Okay,

18:37

Simon. Yes,

18:40

they are. Um, Polly Waddle?

18:42

Sometimes. If

18:45

I really want to, I

18:47

can think of berries real hard. And

18:49

when I open my hand, there's

18:52

berries inside. I

18:54

don't know how I got this. Magical,

18:58

berry ability. All

19:01

I know is... at

19:04

times like this. It's important to

19:07

share with friends. Okay,

19:09

okay, did anyone else see him just shit in his hand?

19:13

Because that's what it looked

19:15

like to me. These aren't shits.

19:18

I don't shit like this. My

19:20

shits are long, healthy, buoyant stools.

19:23

That looks like rabbit turds. That's

19:26

a pile of fucking rabbit turds. Where

19:29

would I get a rabbit at this time

19:31

of day? I think

19:33

you've got a second anus that's

19:35

a rabbit anus. I

19:38

think next to your tight little

19:40

ass is human asshole. Maybe

19:43

next to it on the left is a

19:45

fucking rabbit anus. Wait, on the

19:47

shank? You put your hand in the shank?

19:50

Prove it isn't true, dude. Show

19:53

me your asshole, then! He

19:56

pulled his pants down and said, Look!

19:58

Look at my ass! HUMAN!

20:01

EXPLOSIVELY HUMAN! Now,

20:03

I think I need to do a perception check to see if

20:05

I can see a rabbit anus next to that, Eden. What's

20:08

the DC check to the arab- Well,

20:10

that ass is right there in front of you,

20:13

so it's a pretty low DC. I would say...

20:15

five. I rolled

20:17

a five. You're...

20:20

unconvinced! You're pretty

20:22

sure you see one anus, but you-

20:26

Who knows what he's got... elsewhere? I

20:28

don't know. I'm

20:30

saying everything. In

20:32

the middle of a volcano, you strip down naked. Such

20:37

is my... distraught

20:41

at not being trusted to have only one

20:43

anus. I'm

20:46

in my polly's day. No, no, no,

20:48

I've given him the berries! No, no, no, no, I've given him the

20:50

berries! What do the berries do? They give you- they heal you five

20:52

hit points, so you're on five hit points. Oh, wow! So

20:54

I wake up and see, like, just his

20:56

gaping asshole? No, no, no, no! Yes,

21:00

yes, yes, yes! And I close my eyes again,

21:02

and I'm like, no, I'll take him back! I'll

21:06

be back in a big pond in the sky! And

21:10

you hear an almighty... Welcome

21:19

to my mountain! And

21:23

a merging, stepping, hoof

21:26

by hoof out of the

21:29

magma, is a horse made

21:32

entirely from flame. Why

21:39

are you naked? Who

21:46

me? Ehh,

21:48

Sayouuuu! Sometimes a man

21:50

has to prove that he has but one

21:53

butt. And

21:55

this is one of those times I apologize

21:57

if this offends you. Happy Buckle Up! Is

22:01

the horse also naked? Yes,

22:06

but that's normal for a horse. If

22:30

you want to buy a free home try-on program, you can order

22:32

5 pairs to try at home for free. Shipping

22:35

is free both ways too. Go to warbyparker.com/covered

22:37

to try 5 pairs of frames at home

22:39

for free. warbyparker.com/covered.

22:45

Celestia really was correct when

22:47

she said you are all

22:50

useless, disgusting,

22:52

poo-poo, caca,

22:55

yac-o, taco, cow,

22:58

human, dog, frog,

23:02

dog, fish. Hey, how about a

23:04

girlfriend, pal? I

23:06

feel so sorry for her that

23:09

she had to look in your face because

23:12

I don't think it is good.

23:16

You, your face, human, not

23:19

nice. You,

23:22

the duck, pigs are

23:24

weird. They

23:27

are not quite lips. And

23:30

you, the cow, do

23:33

not trouble me so much. For

23:36

you have a face like mine. But

23:38

it is not so hot. As

23:41

a giant flaming horse comes over

23:43

to roast you individually, you do.

23:50

As it's just over, you are taken. It

23:53

has its air and its eyes a-glint. It

23:55

is one of the most handsome horses you

23:57

have ever seen in your entire life. I

24:00

know it ain't like beautiful cats are

24:03

throwing bricks. Yes I have the was

24:05

about my fantasies. Somehow

24:08

well heeled, you

24:10

are. Lured.

24:12

Into my will say no I will or

24:14

will kill you own of a home. Cell?

24:19

Why. He kills them with

24:21

fire or. To

24:25

I turned them into. I

24:30

live burn the ha ha

24:32

ha I know. What?

24:37

This is a fast,

24:39

nondescript European boys. I

24:42

got. This

24:44

ah I would if they are you would

24:46

have been I think an extra layer yes

24:48

yes the perfectly legal The folks his friends

24:50

I think that would have been like a

24:52

fun ah oh to be like a fun

24:54

be as your side to do a quick

24:56

trial of the only is it does not.

25:00

See, I'm sorry. The main thing

25:02

we think about for this director

25:05

is to be very hard because

25:07

he is fire. Behind

25:12

the curtain their. that's how we

25:14

do so. Soon

25:17

as they are creates me to

25:19

protect this nice with you soup

25:22

it's com to have I will

25:24

kill you all see tells me

25:26

on the make to the world

25:29

I said. I'll

25:32

be not sites for you in an unmade

25:34

well in an. Excuse

25:37

me. Sir

25:40

I play. Well

25:43

ah, approval or does sometimes

25:46

did in. Fact.

25:51

I remember being so and I would like

25:54

to have might as. Well

25:57

as a rebuttal to when I say

25:59

and so. you and say you don't have

26:01

lips and then you say well sometimes you don't

26:03

need them have you really is it a rebuttal

26:05

or have you just said no it's

26:07

not it's like kind of like

26:09

grade schooler I say you are ugly Stepan

26:12

and he said no I'm not he hasn't

26:14

really won No

26:17

but I guess she's getting a bit plussed because he's

26:19

very handsome Yeah Well

26:21

no because I was trying to

26:24

innuendo Innuendo I don't want

26:26

to know now you made me say that I was

26:28

doing innuendo it's not as sexy and I'm

26:30

just trying to be I

26:34

haven't done this in such a long time as I worry about

26:36

it it's fine whatever and she gets really

26:38

crushed Well perhaps we can make love

26:40

before I burn you alive Oh okay

26:43

For some

26:45

reason when Sunbelt hears a

26:47

really handsome man flirting with

26:50

a woman nearby him he gets sent

26:52

into a rage fully

26:56

understand what he doesn't he doesn't fully understand the

26:58

feelings of having Yes But

27:00

he is also moderately high Yeah

27:02

he's like he's like he's like he hears anything trying

27:04

to hold his pack over his crotch a

27:06

little bit and then he's like no it goes

27:10

And he takes his great axe and

27:14

in his rage swings it at the the

27:16

nightmare his horse We are in

27:18

initiative make your attack I

27:21

roll them I'll let you know what happens Sunbelt

27:23

gong gong Oh fuck that's a

27:25

nat 20 Oh my Oh

27:28

my God This is supposed to

27:30

be the boss battle How? Just

27:33

a D&D question Yes How do

27:35

you calculate damage on a crit? Do

27:37

you roll one damage dice and double it or do

27:39

you? This is what I like to do this little

27:41

homebrew thing that I'm sure somebody else does on the

27:43

internet You get a full dice

27:46

so say you're rolling a d12 Yeah I roll

27:48

You get 12 and then you roll it and add that So

27:51

nobody wants a one doubled am I right?

27:55

Thank you So

27:57

it's a full 12 plus my 7 I just rolled plus

27:59

3 That's 22 damage. Oh

28:02

my god, you take a real

28:04

chunk out of this horse. I've gone

28:06

for that dick. I'm

28:09

smashing it in Simon horse car. And

28:13

you chop it off, but he

28:15

grows a bigger, more flaming... Hotterco...

28:20

You're gonna slip me off

28:22

my moneeeord! Um,

28:24

uh... Um,

28:27

dinner munch about, what does dinner munch about do? Okay.

28:31

Any actions in there?

28:34

Oh my condom! No,

28:44

if anyone... This one I like! If

28:48

anyone didn't hear last episode, Demi's

28:50

character is being played by a soundboard that she delivered

28:52

to the venue this evening because she's at a different

28:55

gig. So that's what that

28:57

is if anyone didn't hear the last episode. Okay,

28:59

and that is dinner munch about turn... It

29:02

is now... Uh,

29:04

one wee, the baby groans. Um,

29:06

where are these, um, those sharp little

29:08

knives? They're floating around,

29:11

the horse is in between you

29:13

and the knives. Um, okay, I don't

29:15

want to do that. I think I'm gonna like

29:17

step back and I go and like just put

29:19

my arm in the lava because this is only

29:21

something that a frog can do. You're gonna do your

29:23

thing so you can get out of your game, Greg. Charion

29:26

Valerian, it is your turn. Can I ask you a

29:28

question about this horse? Is it

29:30

a horse made of flames or is it

29:33

a horse covered in flames? Made...

29:36

Oh, a fireproof horse covered in flames. Made

29:38

of magma covered in flames. Like

29:41

molten rock horse also on fire.

29:43

Did you just think it was a very

29:46

in pain horse? No, I assumed

29:48

it was magical. Oh, okay. I just

29:50

didn't know its nature. Well now, um,

29:52

clearly Charion Valerian is terrified

29:54

of this. Uh huh. He's worth

29:57

nightmares. Oh yeah. A fire horse?

30:00

Oh right, because of the wet rock.

30:02

The horse is made of the floppy

30:04

rock. Yes. The hot floppy rock horse.

30:07

Truly. But I think in his terror,

30:09

he has

30:11

an idea. He's sort of struck with his very

30:13

core. And he

30:15

walks towards the horse. Uh-huh. And

30:19

he says, far

30:21

be it from me to look

30:23

a gift horse in the mouth. But

30:25

may I? May

30:28

I look in your mouth? What?

30:32

Are you a dentist? Am

30:35

I, if I am to meet my end,

30:38

let me face my fears like

30:40

a man as this small frog has

30:43

become. What

30:45

do you want to do? You

30:47

want to look in his mouth? Yeah. OK.

30:50

I guess he's taken aback for a second and

30:52

he opens his mouth. I

30:55

reach inside my pocket and bring out

30:57

the drinking bird. Oh. And

31:00

the end that has liquid

31:02

inside it, it's thick in

31:04

his mouth. Yes. And

31:06

with my gauntlet, push his mouth

31:09

shut so that it cracks the

31:11

plastic casing releasing liquid into this

31:14

fire horse. Whoa. And

31:20

you see that deep inside him,

31:22

the brightness

31:25

starts to dim.

31:27

And he starts

31:29

to crumble, freezing

31:32

from the inside. But he is not

31:34

dead yet. But he is seeking massive

31:37

damage each turn. Polywater, it is your

31:39

turn. The horse

31:41

is looking less full of himself. OK.

31:45

I'm going to get my water

31:47

skin. Yes.

31:51

And pour water on

31:53

the horse. Great. You

31:55

float above the horse, make an attack roll. For

31:58

a squirt for a goon bag. He's

32:03

got the wetness all over his face and

32:05

he's like, ahhhh

32:09

is this not even filtered?

32:16

And he flails out at

32:18

you Sunbelt Dongbomber blinded with

32:20

his hooves. 14, does

32:22

that hit? Yes, it just hits. And

32:26

he does 9 points of hoof

32:29

damage and then another

32:31

6 points of fire damage. 15

32:33

total? Yes. Fuck those tings. But

32:36

half of that is halved because you're in a

32:38

rage. Forget about it. You're

32:41

still alive. Get half

32:43

of your blood-jitting, all like regular attacks.

32:45

I get half. Dongbomber, it's your turn.

32:48

Look, I'm looking through my inventory and I don't have

32:51

a water skin. Yes. I,

32:53

um, so I'm gonna prepare this.

32:57

In this turn I'm gonna use it to prepare.

32:59

Uh-huh. I'm gonna take my empty water skin. I'm

33:02

trying

33:05

to help. You're in a volcano. I'm

33:09

trying to help. Don't help.

33:12

Don't do it. Don't what? Whatever

33:15

that is with the skin, there's no water

33:17

to put in it. What do you, I,

33:19

no, wait, it wasn't. Don't. I was. I

33:22

wasn't gonna, I wasn't gonna jit. Sorry,

33:24

sorry, sorry, if you were, sorry, if

33:26

I was burning on fire, would you

33:28

jit on me? Oh.

33:31

Oh, yeah, right. Okay. If

33:33

I, if we were hanging out and I

33:35

lit a cigarette or something and my jacket

33:38

caught on fire, and

33:40

your, your first thought would be

33:42

jit on him. I apologize, I apologize. I got

33:44

lost, I got lost in the sexy horse thing.

33:48

And I just, I apologize. Wait,

33:50

please, feel free to piss. Yeah.

33:53

Piss on the horse. Go for it. No,

33:56

I feel my water skin with piss, because I

33:58

don't wanna, I don't wanna. Let's

34:00

not be like hard-sold on this like that was the

34:02

worst thing. This is still pretty bad Like

34:05

oh, at least it is a jizz. Yeah. Yeah.

34:08

Well, I don't know look I don't know what kind

34:10

of fucking heavy loads you guys are doing But

34:13

like look like a fire extinguisher.

34:15

I'm not like a chemical fire

34:17

extinguisher Am

34:21

I sorry if I throw some meat in a panic it

34:24

is a fucking grease fire in a barbecue I'm not like

34:26

oh, you're so joke off on this like Would

34:28

you would you piss on it if

34:31

I had on if there were no tap if

34:33

there were no taps round And

34:35

I was like desperate for water Yeah,

34:42

okay, you know what I Will

34:48

say that he did drink a lot

34:50

of ale the other night night drinking

34:52

competition So you have heaps

34:54

of piss yang hang you we shouldn't I

34:56

shouldn't be on the jam I shouldn't be

34:58

interfering in the players actions, please. No, you're

35:00

right to do what you Please

35:05

do whatever you would do I'm

35:07

not I'm all about calm. All right. I

35:10

feel my water skin with piss And

35:14

that's my action, okay Sharyon

35:17

it's your turn You

35:21

still holding his mouth Away

35:27

and he looks at you and he says what

35:32

what have you done? Put

35:37

a drinking bird inside you not

35:41

the drinking bird of Glumshah

35:45

Not the one That

35:47

could kill me surely surely

35:49

not Surely not

35:52

my one weakness besides regular water

35:54

and you find that the magical

35:56

properties of that drinking bird I

35:58

know exactly What do you need in this

36:01

situation? Um, and I

36:03

put my hand out, and

36:05

Crocodile done D, and

36:07

he's looking at me and like, with two

36:09

fingers at the front, and like I turn it

36:12

over and he just falls down. And he

36:14

turns and falls back into

36:17

the lava, defeated

36:20

by none other than Charion

36:22

Valeriant and his faithful king.

36:25

He's not about run to everything, I can help, I can help,

36:27

I can help! He's not

36:29

just like pouring these water-stained floors, I

36:31

didn't waste my time, he was helping

36:33

you guys, he was helping. And

36:37

Polly Waddle, you see that

36:41

the blades of grass are

36:43

spinning in an eddy of

36:45

wind, as if it were a beautiful

36:49

spring day. Oh look at

36:51

that! You

36:53

know, my dad and I, in a

36:57

windy day we knew,

36:59

and he wanted to bury us all,

37:02

but I got a plastic bag. And

37:06

I put a bit of string on it and I threw it at you, what? He

37:10

went higher than any other kind. He

37:14

would blow up with wind and it would

37:16

dance around in the sky, and we

37:19

laugh and eat

37:22

the take away that was in the plastic bag.

37:30

And now look, these blades

37:32

are spinning in just the same

37:34

way, and you know what it makes me think? I

37:37

could really go some Chinese right now. And

37:42

as you take in both

37:45

of your hands the blades of

37:47

grass, it feels right, and

37:50

you tuck them into your little

37:52

scabbards, and you hear the

37:54

blood-curdling scream of Wanui, who has

37:57

a handful of magma. Oh,

38:01

that's Elmer, man! I missed... What do

38:03

you think? And he shows you his arm

38:06

and there he is, where the marks

38:08

usually would be a big circle spiral

38:10

down of manhood. He's drawn a slightly

38:12

different one, which looks like four little

38:14

figures. Um, one big,

38:16

one small with wings, uh, one

38:18

with a backpack, and

38:21

one with his hands over his eyes. And just next to him, a

38:23

tiny little figure, he goes, Elmer,

38:25

man! Elmer, man! Could

38:28

I be honest about this whole thing? I...

38:32

I mean, gender's kind of a construct, you

38:34

know, like it's not. Oh,

38:37

stop it! Let him have these

38:39

moments! Now you're a

38:41

man, what were you gonna say? Just,

38:43

I was gonna say that over and over again,

38:45

I suppose. Now you're a man!

38:48

Thank you. Thank all

38:50

of you. And especially, thank

38:53

you dinner. Out of everything, out

38:55

of everyone here, you had faith in me when

38:57

I was just a little, little

38:59

ballywog sitting around there. And now look

39:01

at me, look at you. Oh,

39:07

my condom!

39:14

Wow. And

39:20

he just, and he closes his mouth and a tearful goes

39:22

out of his eye. And as

39:24

the tear rolls down and hits the ground and

39:26

starts to fizzle, it's

39:28

not the only thing that starts to fizzle. And

39:31

the earth starts to shake. And

39:33

you spin around and just wear the

39:35

giant nightmares born into the lava. The

39:38

entire ground is going to crack open.

39:40

It seems like it is finally midnight

39:43

and the day of silence for this

39:45

volcano has come to an end and

39:47

it is about to become incredibly live

39:50

once again. The magma level

39:52

begins to rise. I

39:55

think let's get out of here. Everybody!

39:57

Oh, good idea Michael! Great, great.

40:00

Everybody get on Gongbonger! Do we have

40:02

those travel things? Travel

40:04

things? Did Sammy have

40:07

travel things? Like a skateboard?

40:10

Did we have portals? Nah,

40:12

you got none of those, you got a big man

40:14

bull. Yeah, we had portals first two episodes and we

40:16

didn't know what we were doing. Now it's just man

40:18

bulls. As we get to the top of the volcano,

40:20

Gongbonger is like, sometimes just having a moment

40:22

of reflection of what's just happened. He's like talking

40:25

to the other guy. I don't know what came out of me

40:27

when I saw that fucking hot horse. And

40:30

I started thinking about my life and my

40:33

marriage and stuff. Like I always said I was in dirt.

40:36

Like I was like, yeah, I love being one of Nine Osburns. You

40:38

know, I love it. I think

40:41

deep down maybe I wasn't. Like you know, you spend like six hours a

40:43

week and you're like, I'm gonna have to go to the beach.

40:46

I'm gonna have to go to the beach. I'm

40:48

gonna have to go to the beach. I'm

40:50

gonna have to go to the beach. Like

40:54

you know, you spend like six weeks away

40:56

from your wife and all her husbands and

40:58

you're like, maybe I felt a bit disrespected

41:00

by all that, you know? I'm not. I

41:05

made a make sense. Looking over

41:07

the rim of the volcano,

41:10

he takes off his ring. And

41:13

he... Mr

41:15

Frodo! And he tosses it into the

41:17

volcano. And

41:21

you see it spiraled down through

41:23

the air slowly, disappearing,

41:26

landing on the edge of the

41:28

lava, hovering

41:30

there for a second, floating, and then

41:33

melting into the lava. And

41:36

then with a huge

41:39

rumble, the volcano...

41:44

It's now at the side of the mountain.

41:48

This lodges and begins,

41:50

with Yusto on it,

41:52

begins to shoot,

41:54

fly off. And you see,

41:56

you hear, as you fly through the

41:58

air, the hear... of Yers

42:01

riding a rock into

42:04

the night sky you hear

42:06

a voice echo I'm married

42:11

to your wife now

42:17

what will become of the heroes

42:19

of Yers you

42:21

have to find out next

42:24

time yay

42:30

the heart of dragon sense can hang

42:32

too Alex Lee, Emmengranny, Magdalene and Demi-Lodman

42:36

our dungeon masters are Eden Lacey and

42:38

Trenkati with live accompaniments by Nick Handy

42:41

Shakira Khan is our producer the podcast is

42:43

edited Nick's The Master by Meen, a few

42:46

guests and new episodes are recorded live every

42:48

month at the Vanguard theater in Sydney on

42:50

Gadigal land in the Eora nation this

42:53

week's episode is brought to you by contributors

42:55

to the dragon friends patreon we get early

42:57

access to advery episodes show recordings and exclusive

42:59

content for just five dollars a month I

43:02

think when you got

43:04

every chance and you have

43:06

been forever the

43:08

promising ruins are all

43:12

the rich and the poor all

43:14

play please and king-king

43:16

who will protect us

43:18

from one's head in

43:20

song for heroes

43:22

of Yers they fear

43:24

of Yers that's the

43:26

easy way for me to be good

43:31

I'm I'm I'm

43:38

I'm I'm

43:42

I'm just yeah

43:48

and that kind of making and and

43:53

and and

43:58

and and So

44:01

you want to sit on my shoulders? I think

44:03

that's better. Like we're doing chicken fights in the

44:05

pool. But he

44:07

also wants to hold onto your horns and steer

44:10

like a forklift. No,

44:14

I've got my eyes shut, so I'm not steering you

44:16

anywhere. It's so weird, because if you tried to ride

44:18

a normal cow like that, you'd fall off the front.

44:23

That is weird, yeah. So weird. Would you fall

44:25

off the front? Because

44:27

like, maybe the cow has a really strong neck. Cows

44:30

do have strong necks. How do

44:32

you know that? I was just at a farm, and

44:35

I fed three cows. Their names were

44:37

Herbie, Roger, and I can't

44:39

remember the... Somehow this story has got less interesting

44:41

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