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heroes of young, brave heroes

1:01

of young, tests

1:03

to give it and these four freaks will

1:05

become the heroes

1:07

of young. Burning

1:18

through the

1:20

sky. Yeah!

1:25

400 degrees! That's why they call

1:27

them the heroes of earth. Strapped

1:30

to the side of a mountain,

1:32

but the side of the mountain is

1:35

no longer strapped to the earth. For

1:37

the... For

1:43

the great volcano, Gloobshaka,

1:45

being robbed of its

1:47

gifts, the great artifact,

1:50

the blades of grass

1:52

has exploded in anger.

1:55

And our four heroes,

1:58

Sunbelt Gongbonger. The

2:01

Duck. Hello? Polly Waddles.

2:04

The handsome guy. Hey!

2:06

Stelion Valerian. Not you. Ha

2:09

ha ha. Ha ha ha. And

2:11

returning with their own human voice,

2:14

Demi Ladner as that

2:17

guy. What? What's

2:19

your character's called again? Inna. Inna

2:21

Munchabout. Oh! I knew

2:23

that I was just testing you. Okay,

2:25

so you find yourself on a hot

2:27

rock flying through the sky,

2:30

the island far below you. Is there

2:32

anything you'd like to do? Anything you'd

2:34

like to say to each other before

2:36

you crash into the planet, destroyed forever

2:38

by hotness and

2:40

force? I don't want to

2:42

do this. Do

2:44

we have a castrer amongst us? Yeah, I'm a

2:46

wizard. Can you do any floaty stuff or anything?

2:48

I've got levitate. Can I levitate

2:51

the rock? No, it

2:53

is fucking huge. It is way

2:55

too heavy. It's so big. It's

2:57

like, I would say it's conservatively

3:00

very large. Can

3:03

I... What spells you

3:05

got? Flames all around you. You realize

3:07

your feet are very hot because it's

3:09

rough too. I think we're about to die, everyone. I

3:12

think this is it. But if

3:14

anyone's got anything they'd like to say to

3:17

me, if anyone would like to admit they're deeply

3:19

in love with me, it'd be a great time.

3:21

I've always wanted someone to admit they're deeply in

3:23

love with me and I just feel like it

3:26

might be my lucky day. Uh... I

3:29

don't... Jenna, do you have anything you want

3:31

to say? Jenna, do you want to say

3:33

anything or... Deeply in love. Anyone

3:36

want to... Great feelings of design. The

3:40

wind whipples past your ears. I want

3:42

to see what's under my bonnet. Anything like that.

3:44

I mean, yeah, I'll take a peek. What's under

3:46

your bonnet? Is it weird? Is

3:49

that why you always wear a hat? Because you have a weird

3:51

duck head? A double beak, perhaps? One at the front, one at

3:53

the back. Oh, don't... Sustering those earrings.

3:55

Who told you that? I don't have a double beak. The first thing

3:57

under there, don't worry about it. A fontanelle. Ooooooh!

4:00

Boom, these giant

4:03

chunk of crust crashes into the earth. Please

4:06

everyone make dexterity checks

4:09

for me. Dexterity checks

4:11

for me. Saving throws,

4:13

saving throws. Oh, I did really

4:15

well. Wait,

4:18

is it a save or is it a? It's

4:20

a saving throw DC 22. 13

4:26

to fail. Oh no, 14, sorry. I got 14 too. So

4:30

if you pass. If

4:33

you pass, so if you fail, you take full

4:36

damage. If you pass, you

4:38

take half damage. So who passed? Well,

4:40

what did you have? Hands up if you pass. Wait, did we

4:43

pass? What's the passing? Oh, 21. Oh,

4:45

we failed? Oh yeah, you all failed. Fails!

4:48

Okay, so if you pass, you

4:51

take half of 70. But

4:54

you are such a star. You're starting off by killing

4:56

such a star. What the fuck is wrong with you?

4:59

Aw. Don't

5:01

be so mean to me upstairs. Blackness.

5:06

So. Blackness.

5:09

I take 70 damage, do I? Yeah, yeah. 70

5:11

damage. And it all

5:13

goes dark for

5:16

you because you're dead. I

5:19

don't, why I just got my little figurine. Okay,

5:24

blackness. And then in

5:27

the fringes of your consciousness,

5:30

you hear the squelching of

5:33

heavy boots in the

5:35

mud, and

5:37

a voice. You

5:40

think you're a big man, huh? I'll

5:44

get a fine price for you.

5:49

Blackness. The

5:52

clanking of an axle of a horse-drawn

5:55

cart. And we'll, yes, Tom, do

5:57

you have comments? I just, I would give anything. to

6:00

not be able to see your notes. It

6:04

is so embarrassing. Just look at

6:06

the pretty pictures

6:09

of the drawing line. I'm gonna look at

6:11

some wonderful action. Look at the video. That's

6:13

why the DM screen is here. So you

6:15

don't have to see your friend delivering lines

6:17

he's reading. Blackness.

6:28

The smell of salt and

6:31

gently lapping waves. What

6:33

did we say? Salt doesn't have a taste. It's a taste. They

6:35

say taste is about 50% smells. But that's the things that

6:43

aren't like the things on your taste buds. For example

6:45

salty. I don't think you can

6:48

smell salt or sugar. I think you can smell

6:50

the sea which is salty. The only way

6:52

we could actually solve this is if

6:54

Eden snorts a line of salt right

6:56

now. Do we have any salt? Do

6:58

you think people snort things because they

7:00

love the smell of it? Yes.

7:03

I love this fragrant

7:05

cocaine. Why else would they do it?

7:07

If salt doesn't smell why do they have smelling

7:09

salt? That's

7:15

different to salt. That's why they call it

7:18

smelling salt. If

7:20

salt is smelly they just call them

7:22

salt. But they call

7:24

them smelling salt because they add smell to

7:27

them. One time I went to a

7:29

gym and the guy had like a little thing of

7:31

smelling salt that he'd like wave under your nose if

7:33

he thought you were getting ready to do a big

7:35

lift which he also just was happy to take a

7:37

punt on. So you just feel like walking around a

7:40

little bit sweaty and you just walk by and just

7:42

vrrrrr. And it

7:44

is very unpleasant to smell the smelling

7:46

salt. Such

7:49

a sweet way to make friends.

7:52

Show and tell. You've got

7:54

ammo in the other hand.

7:59

The gentle of waves black

8:02

and then the sound of creaking

8:05

balls. Are you saying that the blackness,

8:07

the absence of vision is stopping the sound?

8:10

No, it's like you're shifting out. Oh yeah,

8:12

I should say what you see. You're shifting

8:14

out of consciousness. Yeah, yeah, you know, it's

8:16

blurry and stuff. Okay. Are we seeing

8:18

in the cameras of our mind

8:20

the eye, the eyelids opening and closing?

8:23

Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're kind of being de-armed

8:25

by someone who has Final Cut installed on

8:27

his computer but doesn't know the way around

8:29

it. I

8:32

didn't want to play this full version. And

8:38

let me tell you,

8:40

this guy, he's definitely

8:42

played the opening six

8:44

minutes of Skyrim. So,

8:47

yeah, so

8:50

the creaking of boards and the

8:52

gentle listing of

8:55

a ship tipping

8:58

towards the port, starboard,

9:01

stern, bow,

9:05

crow's nest. How many more have you got

9:07

on you? I think six more.

9:10

Poop dick, other dick. On

9:13

sound effect, Mr. Tom Walker. So

9:19

you awake, the

9:21

smell of sweat and

9:25

old rags and tar,

9:27

and you find yourself below

9:29

the decks of a

9:32

leaky old boat behind

9:36

some arrested bars in

9:38

the brig of a ship. And

9:41

next to you, you

9:43

see two figures, one

9:46

of them a fish

9:48

person, like you recognize from

9:50

the carnival. You might recognize him.

9:53

Are they slimy? Yeah,

9:55

you got slimy. He's

9:57

muttering to himself in his sleep. It's a good

9:59

time. joke it's

10:02

appropriate i am a little uh...

10:05

and next to him uh... sitting

10:08

in the stocks maybe

10:11

not the stock may be just leaning against uh...

10:13

the wall uh... is that maybe

10:16

on the other side of the bus maybe sitting

10:18

on a birthday cake sunglasses

10:22

relaxing with one hand on his

10:24

chin yeah proposed in gentle repose

10:26

in a big martini glass

10:29

spinning and

10:35

this figure is uh... he's gotten out

10:37

of his giant martini

10:39

glass now he's just

10:41

sitting regular style what

10:44

about him yeah what does he look like tom

10:47

walker oh

10:49

my god what do you know what

10:52

is it that would be what you're looking at it what

10:55

what what you want i

10:59

think that's what it's name is yeah i'm checking

11:01

the notes and it doesn't say that it's peter

11:04

fontaine i think i would have put it in there that

11:06

it was i would have gotten written here that i

11:08

can only type with one hand it'll take me a few

11:10

minutes you're

11:16

finally awake i

11:21

didn't think you come around from that you took

11:23

a big fall on a bit of the earth

11:26

into the ocean well

11:30

as you can tell by looking at me i'm a

11:33

regular style man a bit skinnier than i'd like uh...

11:38

slightly noble cast of my features if

11:40

i do say so myself why does

11:42

this character have your specific body issues

11:51

there's nothing wrong with the penis but there's not much

11:53

right with it express

12:00

this but it's clockwise you

12:02

get the sense about the shaft if you could

12:07

just reach into the body give it a

12:09

15 degree turn and it all be better

12:11

but you can't can you

12:13

I'm getting away from myself sorry

12:16

the name's Peter so I've

12:20

ever done some dragons question for you Eden yeah

12:22

I did myself 70 damage and I'm dead but

12:24

what what sort of what are we doing dealing

12:27

with here stats wise yeah you're back you're okay

12:29

oh yeah you've been

12:31

like you convenient elf by the

12:33

people on board our ship yeah

12:35

tell breeze yeah that's what she's

12:37

called yeah well oh good well

12:39

we are with nothing I remember flying on

12:42

the side of a bloody volcano

12:45

so why are we in this jail oh

12:48

why why is anyone in a jail

12:50

because you made a mistake my

12:55

mistake I'm muting me against it sorry

12:57

it's been a while since I've spoken

12:59

to anyone and I said muta mead

13:03

you got slime you

13:07

can see why I don't talk to the fish

13:09

yeah and and the fish

13:11

rolls off his bunk and looks at you Polly

13:13

waddle and says yeah

13:17

you're the one with a

13:20

stupid name excuse me Polly

13:22

waddle ha ha ha never thought I'd

13:24

see you again but here we are

13:27

he's the fish who

13:29

you rescued yeah promise

13:32

that you're a lot would have do me a

13:34

favor one day all right what do

13:36

you want no no no ask us for the

13:38

martini glass being

13:44

a prisoner is a state of mind I

13:47

am everywhere at once I'm

14:00

not here but I am here. Okay, well if

14:02

you're not here could you go and get the keys and then let

14:04

us all out? Alright! He walks straight into

14:06

the bars. Clonk! Ha ha ha ha

14:08

ha! Yeah, I tried that. So

14:11

what's your non-stupid name then? Cod!

14:16

Oh, right. Same name as before. Cod.

14:18

Yeah. So what... Eh... What...

14:21

How did you get here Cod? Yeah, they caught

14:23

me again, didn't they? I was out

14:25

in the ocean, saw something bobbing around... Chomped

14:28

on it. They pulled me right out

14:30

of the water, here I am again.

14:32

Can't help myself. Uh, I'm gonna do

14:34

a perception check. Okay. To see if

14:37

I can see any keys anywhere, okay? Uh,

14:40

okay. Um, or just

14:42

like what's around. I rolled a natural

14:44

one. Nice! Ooh! I

14:47

literally... I passed back out! Yeah, you're

14:49

fish and blood. And you've become unconscious.

14:52

But everyone else, you

14:54

can see that you're in the hole

14:56

underneath. What do they call that? Is that the

14:58

thing? Is that the right thing? The hole? The hold? In

15:01

the hold. Right, in the hold. Is the brig

15:03

in the hold? Yeah, the brig's in the hold. The

15:06

brig's the front end of the hold. There's

15:08

some bars across there. Door, other side of

15:10

the hold. Boxes! We

15:13

were running out of space so we put the

15:15

brig in the hold. It'd be no much nicer

15:17

to just be in the hold. But we're in

15:19

the brig, technically in the hold. But trust me,

15:22

as someone who was in the hold before, oh

15:24

it's nicer out there! Above

15:28

you in the ceiling, there's one of those big

15:31

square things. What are they called? Holes.

15:33

Window. What's that my

15:35

nautical friends? A hatch. So

15:37

you mean like a square thing where there are

15:39

metal bars across it in a hatch? That's open.

15:42

I feel like you're ascribing to nautical

15:45

knowledge some things that are just neutral

15:47

knowledge. Yeah? Well, what you're describing is

15:49

just a hole. Like a trap door?

15:52

Yeah, but I want to know what

15:54

the nautical name of the hole is!

15:56

Motherfucker, you should have got on n.wikipedia.org/wiki

15:59

slash... boat before

16:01

the show you

16:05

know what you're right so

16:07

and it's but that's open to the sky and

16:09

you can see above that there's like a crane

16:11

that's how they lower shit down into the hold

16:13

this is what you can see

16:15

are they lowering it into the hole directly into the cage

16:18

no so it's cage you're on the other

16:20

side you're in the brig not the hole

16:22

please you're in the hole you're in the

16:24

brig in the hole all right in I'm

16:27

waking up from my being gonk oh

16:29

I'm gonna try and open I'm just

16:31

gonna try and rip open these bars

16:33

okay great and and I'm furious that

16:35

I died so I'm

16:37

in a rage okay so it's a

16:40

strength check you're gonna make an athletics check

16:42

for me athletics okay cool how are you

16:44

gonna do it physically you just gonna like

16:47

pull it apart I think given that I am a mentor

16:49

I'm gonna do a fucking Ram I'm gonna try to ram

16:51

through the prize

16:53

just bash your head into it

16:56

all right I rolled a two and a three

17:00

ouchie whoa gee you

17:02

take four points of damage so you get

17:04

bonked on the nog okay so that didn't

17:06

work for Sunbelt gone bong I tried that

17:08

too but it didn't work for me either

17:13

I guess you and me have more in common than maybe

17:15

we'd like to admit maybe we could be friends

17:18

I'm going well it's going better than it

17:20

usually does don't

17:24

we got nothing to do with him he

17:26

works for the enemy this

17:28

guy no we don't work for the enemy well I don't

17:31

trust him he pulled me out of the ocean if he

17:38

was a nice guy he would have thrown me right

17:40

back oh I thought you were drowning

17:43

hey hey

17:48

that signifies that you you're lying about

17:50

that no okay I'll come clean the

17:52

captain he does a roaring trade in

17:54

your type but I've never felt right

17:56

about it and so I'm you to

17:58

me you

18:01

know what still don't trust you ok

18:04

well anyway

18:07

anyone else got w- yup? I

18:10

got knock on the lock you go

18:12

to cast lock no,

18:14

yes, knock good and

18:16

you realise you look in your pockets

18:20

and you look for your EDC backpack and

18:22

it's not there I'm

18:24

gonna hurt you physically in real life that'll

18:26

be cute I hate

18:28

to put a ticking clock on this but I can't

18:30

see the horizon so I'm feeling

18:34

billious ok make

18:36

a con check for me for a

18:38

little seasickness Demi

18:41

you can cast cantrips but you just can't cast

18:43

spells on you I think this is a great evolution

18:47

of the show if Demi was

18:49

just allowed to slap you I think it would be

18:51

great cause none of us ever

18:53

got to slap Dave or Ben no,

18:56

I feel like there's only middling support for me in being slapped

19:00

yeah oh

19:06

my god oh

19:09

my god you guys have to earn it sorry

19:14

well when the time is right yeah,

19:16

we'll know and when he's

19:18

not expecting it like

19:20

maybe ride before he

19:22

falls asleep yeah, you're gonna slap me?

19:25

no, just texting Edens mum to slap him in the middle of

19:27

the night wait, why would his mum be able to slap him

19:29

in the middle of the night? I

19:32

don't know, she doesn't I thought he was

19:34

moving into a big mansion maybe one day I

19:36

will I'm

19:40

gonna fall constitution check oh, you blarf

19:42

everywhere oh guys,

19:44

I've garfed you guys get yuffed don't

19:48

go in this corner here I'm

19:50

gonna go in this corner here

19:52

don't go in this corner here

19:54

there's yuffed you're behind the

19:56

bus wait, did I make it

19:58

to the joint, my teeny glass? Sure,

20:02

you get a little in there. You

20:04

get it mostly everywhere. Is there

20:07

anything else in the room in their garbs? Like is there

20:09

keys? Can I see any keys? Can

20:11

we do the thing where we piss on some cloth

20:14

and twist it around the bars to bend it? Shanghai

20:17

Noon. The classic Shanghai Noon. You sure

20:19

can? Does bath work as well as piss? Better.

20:22

Yeah, I guess it's a wet bath. Yeah. Okay.

20:25

If you're planning to do that, I've got

20:27

some pants I've been pissing for days you

20:30

can use. Alright, let's do this. Let's do

20:32

it. Okay. Is there anything in there

20:34

that we can use as a twisting, like I was

20:36

saying, some sort of stick or a lever or anything

20:38

before we touch it? Yeah, there's a little, there's a

20:40

bone of a dead, formerly dead

20:42

prisoner. Formerly dead so

20:44

they're alive. Well, they got better. They're like, don't use

20:46

me bone. We need it. They've come after life as a

20:48

puddle. There is. No, we will

20:50

actually give it back, but we're just going

20:53

to take it for now. Oh,

20:55

go on then. Alright. Alright.

20:58

Okay. So, um, should I roll for this? What

21:00

do I have to roll for it? Um,

21:03

piss, rolling for piss. It's a sleight

21:05

of hand. It's a sleight of hand. Rolling for

21:07

piss. I think it'd be strength. Yeah, it's strength.

21:09

You can have advantage though. You can have strength

21:11

with advantage. Okay. Um, alright. So,

21:16

that's um, that's an 11 or a, oh, a 22. Oh,

21:24

the bars creak open.

21:27

But just wide enough that

21:30

Polly Waddle can waddle through.

21:32

Alright. Well, what should I do? Oh, it's nice

21:34

out here. I told you it's nice just out in the hole.

21:36

Oh, that's a good hole. I've seen a few holes in my tongue. That's

21:38

lovely. Maybe a nice big

21:40

shell? A decorative shell. I'm going to really brighten it

21:42

up. Maybe nice raffia rug. Do you like raffia gongbonger?

21:44

I just like it. I'm going to try it. I'm

21:47

going to try it. I'm going to try it. I'm going

21:49

to try it. I'm going to try it. I'm going to

21:51

try it. I'm going to try it. I'm going to try

21:53

it. I'm

21:58

going to try it. Oh, yeah. I

22:00

actually fancy myself a bit of an interior

22:02

decorator. Polly Waddles, stop the

22:05

dawdling! Alright! Bite us

22:07

a key! A key. Find a

22:09

key. Key key key key. Alright. Maybe

22:11

have a check around, you know, there's some

22:13

drawers over there, maybe look at some nails on the

22:15

wall, there might be some keys. Alright, can I

22:18

do a look around for keys? An

22:20

investigation check. Yeah, go on. Do a

22:22

little investigate. Do a little investigate. 22 again! So

22:28

you look around, this looks like

22:30

it's purely storage down here. Okay.

22:32

You do hear footsteps

22:35

on the deck above with

22:38

the clanking of, you know how people sound

22:40

when they've got keys in their pocket? The

22:42

jangling of keys. Yeah. I got

22:44

that from my list of nautical terms. Jangling

22:48

keys on the main cell. Oh,

22:50

the main cell? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This

22:52

is getting written. Kneesh the main cell

22:54

hatch on the poop deck.

22:58

Twix the figurehead and the rigging. Alright, oh,

23:00

what should I, how should I get those

23:02

keys? I know, I'm gonna sneak up. I'm

23:05

gonna go under a box and I'm gonna shuffle,

23:08

shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle,

23:10

shuffle, stop, look around,

23:12

pop out, dash, grab

23:14

the keys. Okay.

23:16

Fly back. Okay, so you

23:19

see Polly do a lot of shuffling

23:21

amongst the things. But the

23:23

doorway, the hatch, the

23:26

hatch which is the middle, which leads to the

23:29

hold, you can see

23:31

above you, you can fly up there and have a little

23:33

peek. Yeah, so I'm gonna fly up

23:35

there, have a look and is there a box

23:37

that I can duck under to follow around the

23:39

guy? Oh yeah. Or... You

23:42

can hide as a rogue, you can do your hiding action. Yeah, you can do a little

23:44

stealth check. Oh yeah, I was gonna do a little hide. What should do a little stealthiness

23:46

for me? Alright. Stealth check.

23:49

Stealth check. Stealth check. Stealth

23:52

check. Oh,

23:55

that's so stealthy. You hang on with

23:58

your little arms. Yes!

24:01

And your wings tuck back and you become kind of

24:03

like a moth who's just stuck on the

24:05

side of the wall. And your

24:07

little duck peeks around and you can see

24:10

up on deck it's fairly bare.

24:14

There's two moths and

24:17

at the... You can't imagine any

24:19

more boats! Ah! No,

24:22

and I'm just getting the terms right. And

24:24

at the aft... Very

24:27

nice! At the

24:30

aft there's a poop deck, which

24:33

is the raised deck. For those of you who didn't know,

24:35

that's what it's a little bit raised deck. You guys saw

24:37

the poop deck was where the poop was, didn't you? At

24:40

the aft poop deck there's a single

24:42

door. And

24:45

at the other end, at the

24:49

stern, which

24:51

is what I was going to say, there's

24:53

a bunch of... It's

24:55

like watching a year 9 student try to do

24:57

a book report. You know what I mean? Yeah,

25:00

yeah, yeah. Like... Well you've

25:02

not gone to any class. At

25:04

the stern, front,

25:08

fore, front. Oh

25:10

my god! What

25:13

I would love is just some narrative. Yeah, okay,

25:15

okay. I'm setting up a world... See, I'm very

25:17

spatial so I'm like, I better tell... No you're

25:20

not! And at spatial you're

25:22

special. Yeah! Thank

25:24

you! Look, the hammocks

25:26

at the front, the poop deck

25:29

at the back... What

25:31

about the hammocks? Oh, there's

25:33

sailors in them. There's Susan. They're

25:36

like... A

25:38

couple of hunks shooting... So, to catch

25:40

us up, what we've learned is that

25:42

there's two masts. At

25:45

the stern of the ship, there

25:47

are sailors in hammocks. Also, and

25:49

just don't forget this,

25:52

the duck is like a

25:54

moth. Yeah, and you see

25:56

that the jangling of

25:58

the keys is attached to the legs. of

26:01

a mean looking dude.

26:03

He's so mean. He

26:05

looks like a pirate

26:08

fish. He's got red polka dots

26:11

on his handkerchief. His jacket

26:13

is blue with a patch

26:16

on the left elbow. The

26:19

pantaloons are quite the

26:21

floofy. And the boots,

26:25

two of them on his leg. Oh

26:27

my god. Any shoulder birds? No.

26:31

No shoulder bird. No shoulder bird.

26:33

Just a lot of shit on

26:35

one shoulder. Oh, interesting. And a

26:37

wistful look in his eye. And

26:39

just the one eye.

26:42

Oh, he got two. Oh, we're not patching you.

26:44

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, one. No, don't let me.

26:46

No, he's got the patch, but you see him

26:48

pull it up and look around. So this

26:51

isn't a pirate who lost an eye. This

26:54

is a pirate who's been to an ophthalmologist

26:56

and has been diagnosed with a condition that

26:58

requires them to strengthen their other eye. Absolutely.

27:01

Or it's like one of the people who

27:03

gets glasses for the look and

27:05

just doesn't have any lenses in them. And on

27:07

his... I fucking told you it's because

27:09

I sensitive eyes because I sleep with

27:11

them open, cunt. What?

27:15

I sleep with my eyes open. You don't.

27:17

I do. It's very scary. Tom tells me.

27:19

Oh, it's fucking terrifying.

27:23

So what'll happen to me often is Demi's

27:26

like, air pods will lose charge in the

27:28

middle of the night. And so I'll be

27:30

woken up by the true crime podcast she

27:32

was listening to. Yeah, and it's a guy...

27:34

And so the woman's body

27:36

was... The woman's body

27:39

was four feet away from her

27:41

head. There was nothing anybody

27:44

could do about it. Bim-bim-bim. Frit is

27:46

the bean coffee. It's my favorite coffee

27:48

in the morning. And then alongside this

27:50

tale of a woman being chopped up into pieces, my

27:55

wife is just lying there eyes open,

27:57

staring at me. Anyway,

28:01

my eyes are incredibly dry, so I

28:03

wear glasses like goggles.

28:05

Maybe you should wear two eye patches. Fuck,

28:08

that's an idea. What

28:10

would happen if you tried to manually close

28:12

the eyelids? Like brrrrrrrrrrrrr.

28:17

What happens is he touches the top of my

28:20

eyelids and my entire body slides down. Like

28:22

I stay completely open. The

28:25

reason the Greeks put coins on there was

28:27

to stop them doing that. You actually have

28:30

to really hold the eyelid down and wedge

28:32

the coin in under the skull. And

28:36

jangling on the captain's self are

28:38

the keys. Alright,

28:43

I got my eye on those keys. And

28:45

I learned that he's the captain. Well,

28:47

you assume so. He's the only

28:49

one walking. And as we know,

28:53

captains always walk.

28:55

Okay, I'm going to

28:58

throw one of my daggers across

29:01

the arm to the other side

29:03

of the boat. Uh-huh. And

29:07

when he turns his head, I'm going to nip up and I

29:09

want to grab the... Oh my god, okay, so... A

29:11

dagger distraction? A dagger distraction. Is this one of

29:13

those daggers that could potentially save

29:16

the unmaking of the entire world? No,

29:19

I've got normal ones. Oh, okay, cool. Just

29:21

checking. You've got

29:23

a single dagger because they didn't know it was tucked up

29:26

in your feathers. Yeah, that's right. Your single and lost dagger.

29:28

Oh wait, did they have my blazes, girl? Yeah,

29:30

you don't have your fancy ones. Alright, well I've

29:32

got my secret dagger then. It's just a little

29:35

tiny little knife. Yeah, almost a letter opener. Is

29:37

there a chance with this throw that Polly will

29:39

throw the dagger and it will hit the captain?

29:42

No, no, it's just a distraction. Make an attack

29:44

roll for me. Alright,

29:47

I got a two. Splash! Cool

29:53

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29:55

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29:57

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30:01

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30:03

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30:06

more at uh1.com. Oh,

30:30

what's that? Sounds like

30:33

the ocean still starboard.

30:35

Now to continue my

30:38

walk. Um, and

30:40

off he goes. Um, but you still can make a

30:42

sleight of hand check. Alright, I'll do a sleight of

30:44

hand. You're just not gonna get the advantage that you

30:46

thought you might. How do I do that? Uh, you

30:49

got a skill, you got it right there, you got

30:51

a sleight of hand. Oh, wait!

30:53

Okay, yes, that's a 19. You

30:56

snoop up and pick the

30:59

keys off the... Do

31:02

the jingle? I mean, it does jingle

31:04

a tiny little bit. But,

31:07

yeah, what do you want to do? You didn't tell me what you

31:09

wanted to do after you got the keys. You're just gonna stand there? I

31:12

wouldn't do that. No! I'm

31:14

gonna... I want to, uh,

31:17

dive into the nearest coiled up

31:19

rope. Okay. To

31:22

hide. Okay, great. That's a good thing to do.

31:24

That's a great thing to do. Make a

31:27

little stealth check for me. Okay, okay.

31:29

Yeah, very good. Yes. Uh,

31:32

21. Like a... like

31:34

a moss twix so much coiled

31:36

rope, Polly

31:38

Waddle disappears. And

31:41

while she could have jumped back down

31:43

in the hold, now she is further

31:45

from where she needs to be. But,

31:48

hidden nonetheless. Meanwhile... Why are

31:50

you thinking about moss so much? Uh...

31:54

Did you open your wallet earlier? Boom!

32:02

The rest of the cast were dwelling in the

32:04

brig, like a condom that's been in your wallet

32:06

so long that it leaves like an indent on.

32:10

Yes, they were stuck in there and nobody

32:13

was using them. And he thought to himself,

32:15

is this still good? I

32:19

mean obviously nothing was good. So what's going

32:21

on down there with you gang?

32:24

Why don't we give us something? What's

32:28

going on? Where can we save

32:30

those boxes? Yeah and Cods stuck his

32:32

head through the hole that Polly

32:35

went through. Cods,

32:37

go with you smaller than Polly. Look right through and

32:39

he's like, look I've left this slime all over it.

32:41

You guys should be able to come right through now.

32:43

I'm small as Thatcher, can I fit through? Yeah you

32:45

can slide in. Oh nice, get in there. I've

32:48

been ministering the Minotaur because I

32:50

felt that we might have some kind of friendship connection.

32:54

You've been ministering me? I've been, you know, he's

32:56

been giving you pirate first aid. Oh

32:59

sure. Shaking you back and forth really

33:01

hard. Smelling self, shaking me, that kind

33:03

of thing. Yeah, C, P, well. Uh,

33:07

alternating between nine belts and ammo.

33:09

Um, alright, Sunbelt's gonna wake

33:11

up and try and break open the bars

33:13

again. Okay, make another check for me. Strength

33:15

check? Yeah, you can do it. Uh, this

33:17

is false strength. That is a... Oh that's

33:19

a 20, that's 23. Make the

33:21

noise. Woo! Make

33:26

the noise that a Minotaur makes when pulling... Oh,

33:29

oh. Oh. Oh.

33:33

Oh. Oh. True, okay,

33:36

and so you're out of the brick now

33:38

guys. You're back in the hold, your brick

33:40

days are done, and above you, the open

33:42

sky. If you

33:44

can help me take out the captain, maybe

33:46

we can end this foul trade of fish

33:49

people for good. Hold up, can

33:51

I really quickly ask something? Yeah. Oh, I

33:53

guess I'm just finding my way

33:55

in this crazy... Alright!

34:01

Oh, sorry, no. I

34:03

used to be the first mate in the ship, then I

34:05

muted against it because I finally was like, you know what,

34:07

I don't think we should be slaving these guys. Wow,

34:10

so this is like a moral

34:12

stance that you're taking, that's why

34:14

you're in the brig. Yeah. You

34:16

seem weak. No I don't! No

34:19

I don't! Well if I know one thing about it. Would a weak

34:21

guy do this? Please don't

34:23

call me weak! Alright,

34:27

remind us what type of creature

34:29

is this? Humanoid? I'm a

34:31

human man. Okay, cause you didn't... alright. What's your... hey

34:33

we didn't ask your name. Oh, Peter. Well you

34:35

gave me one. Oh Peter! That's right, Peter Von Teeth,

34:37

I'm so sorry. Do you need to bring that

34:40

martini glass with you or can we leave without it?

34:48

It's non-canonical. Right. I'm

34:52

more than happy to leave it. Okay. Alright,

34:55

um, are you coming with us or what? Do you

34:57

know where... like you know this ship, right? What's

35:00

the best way for us to go unnoticed

35:02

and escape the lower

35:04

deck? The best thing we

35:06

could do is with your combined force

35:09

we could maybe have a chance at

35:11

opposing the Dread Captain, Gary

35:13

Two Legs. But

35:16

if we were to do that, I have

35:18

enough loyalty with the rest of the crew

35:20

I could guide us to wherever you want

35:22

to go and then get the boat outfitted

35:24

to be a real luxury cruiser. Oh,

35:28

Air S's are plenty aboard the

35:30

fell wind. That's your thing, Air

35:32

S's? Well no, no, not my thing. You

35:35

like that? Is it your thing? Hey,

35:37

I'm open to anything but, you know, I'm

35:40

just asking. I'm just saying, you know, it takes a

35:42

certain kind of income level to be on there and

35:44

just... It makes sense, I'm not

35:46

judging you. Okay, well good. Good. And

35:49

I guess I can't get enough of the fucking things.

35:51

Ho ho ho! Cards

35:55

on the table, mmm! Peter

36:01

horny for money. There's something about

36:03

them. Yee. Well,

36:08

if I know one thing about weak people, they know

36:10

weaknesses. So if the

36:13

weakness of this ship is

36:15

the captain, and we dispose of

36:17

the captain, then absolutely, let's do it. Does

36:22

he have any weaknesses himself?

36:24

A tricky knee. A dodgy

36:26

ankle. I remember

36:28

once reading his diary. Obviously

36:30

not something you should do, but

36:33

I'd run out of me books. And

36:36

in that diary, he said he

36:38

was weak to damage. Okay.

36:45

We know his weakness is damage. Apparently

36:47

it ran in his family. His

36:50

father died of damage. His

36:53

mother died of bullet poisoning. I'm

36:57

allergic to the things. And his

36:59

brother died of poison poisoning. Oh,

37:03

this poison's bad, I think. I think

37:05

this poison went off. But

37:09

are there any other things you need to know about this man? I

37:11

don't know. Does he have any family members he

37:13

cares about or they're all dead as well? I

37:16

think all damage got them as well. What

37:18

about personality? Does he have any

37:21

fears or kinks? Oh,

37:24

kinks? Well, I'm not one

37:26

to... no. Go

37:28

on! No, I really shouldn't. What

37:31

is it? What's he into? Knocking

37:33

feet? Oh

37:38

boy, that'd be a hard life, wouldn't it? Being

37:40

a pirate isn't a feat. Oh,

37:43

another day jerking off to peg. Like

37:47

a millennial man. Anyway,

37:53

no. The only thing

37:55

he could possibly be weak to is

37:57

the text from his right side. Because

38:00

of course the eye patch blocks all vision

38:02

from there unless he changes the eye patch

38:06

And then he's weak to a text from his

38:08

left side. I

38:11

guess what I was doing is trying

38:13

to fish for clues about the missing

38:15

bird. I would

38:17

have loved to give you that information I'm

38:20

not aware if it's relevant or not because it

38:22

wasn't in the fucking notes The

38:26

notes I got here. Do you want to hear the

38:28

information I have in full? I

38:31

would love to! I love that. Captain, colon,

38:33

gary two legs Yeah,

38:44

let me cross check that yeah,

38:46

I think he's got it all I

38:50

just start stacking like boxes and barrels to

38:52

reach the to

38:55

reach the the hatch All

38:59

right, okay, you start moving some boxes

39:01

boxes and barrels you do it quite

39:03

allowed Medium

39:08

Are they say they're way up this is just a hatch

39:10

right you can see a ladder a road There's a crane

39:12

hanging up there that they lower shit down with

39:14

but yeah Other controls for the crane down here. What

39:16

are you thinking? This is fucking 2024, bro. I don't

39:18

know, bro You're

39:23

pretty loosey-goosey with his world building. It could

39:25

not be a fucking app on the mobile

39:27

phone How the fuck do people get down

39:29

a frog like No,

39:40

there's a winch there's a winch pulley. Okay, I said

39:42

I'm I'm

39:46

stacking crates and boxes to create rudimentary stairs

39:48

that can create the boxers to get out

39:50

there meanwhile in the coil I'm

39:53

gonna shuffle towards the hole. Are you

39:55

gonna shuffle the whole coil? Yeah My

39:58

mortal coil beautiful I'm going to do a

40:01

really cool wig and then I'm going to

40:03

do a really nice big wig and I

40:07

look really cool. And if

40:10

I need to roll for

40:12

that looking cool I will. Like

40:15

Tom Cruise Mission Impossible. Tom Cruise Mission

40:17

Impossible stuff. So you're bringing the rope

40:20

down with you? Yeah, my

40:22

end of the rope. Oh I see, I

40:24

see. Tricky. Okay, so performance

40:26

check perhaps for cool looking? Or to

40:28

what to look like a rope? Yeah

40:30

okay. No, it's to look cool. For

40:33

cool? Yeah. So do you want them to see

40:35

you or not? I want my friends to see me as a come down. Okay,

40:38

your friends to see you okay. Did you think she

40:40

was trying to disguise herself as a rope? I mean

40:42

yeah. Alright, I'm

40:44

just going to do my thing here.

40:48

Ah, I got it nice. You

40:51

kind of, you grab onto the rope and then the

40:53

rope curls and it kind of spins you. Yay, yay,

40:55

yay, yay, yay. Oh,

40:57

oh goodness, oh, oh, I feel like I

41:00

was in the sick to slay. Spinning

41:03

around up there, but it is near to. You

41:05

look like pink. You look

41:08

like pink. Oh yes. I

41:10

love pink. I knew you would. Oh

41:13

my god, this good. You know, I'm not

41:15

really using to all that feminist stuff but when

41:17

she says it I'm like. Go

41:24

girl. She

41:27

doesn't do anything can't she? You

41:29

know she married a motorcycle guy? Oh that's

41:31

very cool isn't it? Yeah, I thought

41:34

she looked like a... Doesn't hurt

41:36

us. So, you've got

41:38

a sack of boxes and a rope. It's a

41:40

short hair, I thought I made it super. No,

41:43

I know, we all know what you're

41:45

thinking. We all know you're saying it's

41:47

in character, don't worry. But

41:50

even so, that could be isolated out of context

41:52

so we should move on. She's

41:54

got an excellent set of kum gudders. You

41:57

guys seen them? No. Everybody

42:00

who knows what kum guddas are, does anybody need

42:02

me to explain? Okay. It's like a muck-head-y glove.

42:04

You know when you've got a triangle that's pointing

42:06

to your minge? Guddas

42:09

for cum. Also,

42:12

if you don't have a minge, you can have kum guddas. Yes, that's

42:14

true. Yes, if they're pointing at your whatever.

42:16

I think Tom Kardi might have kum guddas.

42:19

Yeah, I think so. Guys! So? What?

42:21

What the fuck are either of you

42:23

doing? I'm

42:25

just remembering our good friend Tom! No,

42:27

first you are remembering Pink. And then

42:29

you pivoted. Tom, the pink

42:32

of guys! Yeah! So,

42:35

uh... What?

42:38

Is my backpack around? You

42:40

can't see it. Anyway, I got the key! Oh,

42:42

you guys let yourselves out. Oh, well. That

42:45

was a really good- Hey, though, that was

42:47

really fucking brave, and I really appreciate it.

42:49

Thank you. Aw, did I write you a

42:51

little sweet? Alright, Sunbelt is bursting in his

42:53

fucking hatch. He's gonna kill the captain. Let's

42:56

go. Out of the way, I'm going to

42:58

Yarns. That's a

43:00

set. That's an 18 to open the

43:02

hatch. Bang! Gun! Yeah. Next, he's gonna

43:04

charge at the captain. Okay, so you're

43:06

gonna- I need something to happen to

43:08

this whole fucking episode. That's

43:11

a Nat 20. Look at that, okay? Oh my god.

43:15

I'm charging at the captain, and

43:18

the Sunbelt is gonna try and ran him

43:20

off the boat to die. Alright,

43:23

I'm back to Hing Seng. We're different this

43:25

year. And I'm gonna be using my special

43:27

ability Hammering Horns to do it, which I can

43:29

do. Yeah, that's a fucking Nat 20, so we're

43:32

dead, and we're on to the next thing. What's

43:34

next? Let's go! No!

43:36

Don't let him hijack it. Maybe this is- Alright,

43:39

let me just do a double check. Yeah, sorry. I'm

43:41

pretty sure, and Tom knows that this pirate had a

43:43

lot of backstory that we need to get to. Yeah,

43:45

yeah. Yarr! Walking

43:47

the planks around here make me reminisce

43:49

on when I walked the plank on

43:52

a previous ship. Ah, but

43:54

that tail makes me too mortal to

43:56

even contemplate the tellin', though it'd

43:59

only be to the sea. They're how much noise

44:01

as the make as he has launched

44:03

into the sea by a lot of.

44:07

The I think you can push into a series of

44:09

flies off the as he goes. And he yells

44:11

i'm. With. These in order. Oh.

44:17

Okay how savio attack on or

44:20

just for tax to marry whatnot

44:22

but he drowned or over your

44:24

phone number of are sort of

44:26

loans as were very removed. ah

44:28

so the the Sailors or as

44:30

the. Stone

44:33

No. Fun

44:36

severe have like with this

44:38

is yes they're all and

44:40

having this stop at Boys

44:42

as they call themselves bros

44:45

A browser north of your

44:47

hundred my friends and for

44:49

so considers I know my

44:51

phone. Records

44:53

my former glory or

44:55

on. T

44:58

y twenty hour or for

45:00

your and a break was.

45:03

As. Soon as a person is an

45:05

hour or anything. To

45:09

change that? Looks

45:12

auto of the me feel anything but

45:14

we did follow you mutiny because it

45:16

wasn't a good idea. It's.

45:19

Just. Week.

45:23

To. Seem a bit, you know, Oh

45:25

yeah, yeah, What about? no?

45:28

Please stop calling me We.

45:35

Really? Mean.

45:39

I'm or while this is having some else going to

45:41

give a speech. Okay, Sailors.

45:45

Hope all their strikes you're

45:47

safe. Zone

45:53

out say may not have

45:56

said look at his had

45:58

floated a second. Nomad,

46:03

a strong leader of mass as.

46:07

Well. Make

46:10

make that was have had. A

46:17

similar. Senses

46:19

guess. The one. was

46:23

look at moon minutes or

46:25

so. Fucking

46:29

to home. As

46:32

a silly thing to it is

46:34

a forty five minutes and everything

46:36

lot of hello hello hello guys

46:39

are setting up a written details

46:41

world was I'll do whatever you

46:43

were with will have Exile provided.

46:48

I have a sudden don't bomb attacks

46:50

on the hang in hammocks off and

46:53

then tries to strangle tome within. okay

46:55

muslims as wrote, what kind of attack

46:57

is is suffering as destroying our tropical

46:59

storm or my all my clothes views

47:02

of course sixteen. Got

47:04

non non muslims forty one of the dodgers

47:06

dibble other where he summoned for you feet

47:08

of on. To

47:13

little. Also,

47:15

defensive posture. okay. six the

47:17

dogs act. As though you know who

47:19

those the hidden would it would someone else doing.

47:22

Ah you know much about. Ah,

47:24

how far away am I from them? You just

47:26

climbed up out of the death you may be,

47:28

since it's easy to way. I

47:30

got. Okay,

47:35

What's going on? Because.

47:40

You have anybody to. Follow it's

47:42

sort. Of.

47:44

What my wills we broke as the

47:46

question is by whom. Are

47:50

such a. Pathetic stops I am.

47:52

I thought. I'd. see:

47:56

harry. oh and what about you do

47:59

have are above Sir? I

48:01

gotta be honest, I'm just kind of

48:03

overwhelmed and I need to sit down.

48:06

Okay, well it's between John Cusack over

48:08

here and the Minotaur. I'm still leaning

48:10

towards Minotaur. I would like

48:12

to put myself forward. Yeah, suddenly

48:14

Sushi put this ship actually. Yes.

48:17

Um, I, you know, I'm very strong,

48:19

I've got a lot of kids, I'll keep you

48:22

all in line. And I

48:24

know what everyone's favorite treat is.

48:26

Oh, do me. What's mine? I'm

48:28

chocolate crackles. I now do,

48:31

I now do me. I think we'll be

48:33

in Roll of Town anytime. I now do

48:35

me, he's just a pirate with chocolate smeared

48:37

around his face. Sotamy.

48:46

He bashfully says no. Well

48:49

this is happening, Sunbelt's gonna choke at Tom again just

48:51

to see. Okay, yup. Okay, he's dodging out of the

48:53

way. That's a 19 plus 5, so that's 24. You've

48:55

got disadvantage because he's dodging Nimbley. Okay, the first one

48:57

was 24, the second one is 13 plus 5 is

49:00

18. I

49:02

think he's got you in a hammock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got

49:04

you in a hammock. Now wait a second. How

49:07

many of you sailors are pro-slavery?

49:09

You were all doing a lot

49:11

of slaving before, so are you

49:13

all still pro that? No.

49:17

Are you sure? Also not me. Nor

49:19

I. Nor I. None of you are

49:21

pro-slavery. We kind of just all went

49:24

along with it. You went along with it,

49:26

did you? Now did you think that's the right thing to

49:28

do? What do

49:30

we do with the Nuremberg trials at sea? What

49:32

the fuck is this? What? Someone

49:34

says do a slavery. You think it's okay for all

49:36

of you to do a slavery? I don't think so.

49:39

No. No. Alright, well, all

49:41

of you hop into the sea. Okay.

49:43

Okay. Will

49:49

they float forever? We'll

49:52

find out next time. And

49:55

the next fabulous installment

49:57

of Dragon's The

50:05

Host of Dragonforce Campaign 2 is Alex

50:08

Lee, Simon Greiner, Michael Hinn, and Demi

50:10

Lassen. Our Dutchee Masters are Eden Lacey

50:12

and special guest Tom Walker, with Lava

50:15

Continents by Nick Haring. Shethier Khan is

50:17

our producer, the podcast's edited mix-and-master by

50:19

me, Hugh Guest, and

50:22

new episodes are recorded live every month at

50:24

the Vanguard Theatre in Sydney on Gadigal Land

50:26

in the Uranation. This

50:28

week's episode is brought to you by contributors to

50:30

the Dragon Friends Patreon. As we get earlier, we

50:32

have to have three episodes that are recording,

50:34

and it's going to content just by building.

50:37

And the goddess

50:39

returns from you,

50:42

having proven that

50:44

promising you in

50:46

parole, reaching the

50:48

pole, keeping us in

50:50

taking. Who will protect

50:52

us from one as in some?

50:57

Who will protect

50:59

us from one as

51:01

in some? Who will protect

51:04

us from one as in some?

51:08

Who will protect us from one

51:10

as in some? Who

51:15

will protect us from one as in some? Hey, what is?

51:20

We just said that we all recover from a

51:22

hallucination, and we're in like a demountable inner field.

51:26

We're exactly the same, but there's

51:28

grass. Like, would

51:30

it make it easier? There

51:32

wouldn't be too much. Oh, no, there

51:34

wouldn't. You're right. I

51:37

also wouldn't say the stern because it would be

51:39

on land. Yeah, but would

51:41

it maybe free up some brain space for other

51:43

stuff? We'll never

51:46

know. It's

51:51

crazy that like, if Dave was in this situation,

51:53

he really would be crumbling right now. If

51:55

Dave was under this kind of pressure where

51:57

everyone on stage was frustrated and disheartened. Disrespectful

51:59

of what he's doing. Dave would have crumbled

52:02

and he would have lashed out, but you've

52:04

got a weird zen card I'm

52:06

sort of just soaking in it You're

52:09

like Spongebob when someone tries to bully you

52:12

You're a sponge. It doesn't matter Come

52:16

to imagine if Dave was doing this and we were

52:18

just like, you know Just cutting over to that and

52:21

it just being I did not say he's in the

52:23

foreskin. So he's in the foxal It's a reasonable notable

52:25

word Take

52:29

a minute to think back to Dave

52:31

and how many words he knows I

52:33

think I learned all my sheep words from Dave Yeah,

52:35

yeah Ballastron go

52:37

on name fucking one of them break

52:40

Well, I used break.

52:42

That's my word now Nigger

52:46

at You

52:51

Have a catch yourself eating the same flavorless dinner

52:53

three days in a row dreaming of

52:56

something better Well, hello fresh is your

52:58

guilt-free dream come true, baby. It's me

53:00

geeky palmer Let's Hello!

53:09

Fresh! Stop dreaming of all

53:11

the delicious possibilities and the

53:13

here and hello fresh that

53:15

com let's give this dinner

53:17

party started!