0:00

Angie has made it easier than ever

0:02

to connect with skilled professionals to get

0:04

all your jobs and projects done well.

0:06

If you own a home, you know

0:08

how much work it can take, whether

0:10

it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making

0:13

dream projects a reality. It can

0:15

be hard just to know where to start, but now,

0:17

all you need to do is Angie that

0:19

and find a skilled local pro who will

0:21

deliver the quality and expertise you need. Angie

0:24

has over 20 years of home service

0:26

experience, and they've combined it with new

0:29

tools to simplify the whole process. Bring

0:31

them your project online or with the

0:33

Angie app, answer a few questions, and

0:36

Angie can handle the rest from start

0:38

to finish, or help you compare quotes

0:40

from multiple pros and connect instantly. Which

0:42

means you can take care of just

0:44

about any home project and just a

0:46

few taps, because when it comes to

0:48

getting the most out of your home,

0:50

you can do this when you Angie

0:52

that. Find the free

0:54

Angie mobile app today or visit

0:56

angie.com. That's

0:59

angi.com. Warmer

1:03

weather is here. Can your home's AC

1:05

keep up? Are you worrying about sweltering

1:07

bedrooms, suffocating home offices, or other annoying

1:09

hot spots? A single zone heat pump

1:11

system from Mitsubishi Electric adds complete comfort

1:14

control to the rooms where you need

1:16

it most, without having to add new

1:18

ductwork. All electric, energy efficient, and perfect

1:20

for all climates. Heat pumps are a

1:22

great way to keep any space comfy

1:25

year round. Learn more about Mitsubishi Electric

1:27

products at patriotair.com. Welcome

1:54

back, friends. Perfect day

1:56

for the show. It's National Helen

1:58

Keller Day. So instead

2:00

of reading you a story tonight, I'm gonna

2:02

do the right thing and just sit here

2:04

in silence. What do you

2:06

think? It's only right I suppose.

2:11

What do you mean offensive Chester? I'm

2:14

just trying to get a knot off over here. Damn

2:18

this new generation is so sensitive.

2:21

Well come on in. Guess I'll tell you

2:23

a story after all. Wouldn't

2:25

want to ruffle any feathers. Mmm.

2:30

Now that's better. Hey,

2:32

you know who wouldn't have had any

2:35

use for simplyscarypodcast.com? Good

2:37

ol' Helen. But you're gonna love

2:39

it. You can sign up

2:41

as a patron there and get their entire catalog

2:43

dating back to 2012, ad

2:46

free and available to download or stream. Not

2:49

to mention patreon.com/drewblood. And I

2:52

assure you, there's nothing at

2:54

all offensive on there. Not

2:57

even a little bit. All

2:59

right y'all, smoke them if you got them

3:02

and drink those glasses to the bottom. Cause

3:04

ol' Drewblood has a tale to tell. And

3:08

tonight I bring you a vital piece

3:10

of music journalism from our good pal

3:13

P.D. Williams. The

3:15

long awaited tale of virtuoso

3:17

Billy Twang. Haven't heard

3:19

of him you say? No worries. Sherbert

3:22

Spooner's here to give you the skinny.

3:25

So without further delay from the version

3:27

of P.D. Williams after he's had a

3:30

few drinks, I give you the

3:33

dark deal of Billy Twang. The

3:45

following article by staff writer Sherbert Spooner

3:47

appeared in the June 11th, 2021 issue

3:51

of Rag. A music magazine devoted

3:53

to fans of rock, blues

3:55

and Norwegian Zydeco. Day

3:59

one. As

4:02

I drive down this seemingly unending road,

4:04

I notice it is lined by oaks

4:06

as ancient as Keith Richards. Their

4:09

gray Spanish mosses sag like testicular

4:11

tinsel from the crotch of a

4:13

mighty Christmas tree. The

4:15

black beast of pity is slowly

4:17

swallowing my excitement about meeting the

4:20

man himself, Mr. Billy Twang. I

4:23

ponder the unfairness of visiting this

4:25

legendary forest, not backstage at

4:28

a packed arena, but in

4:30

the dreariest of settings, an

4:32

old folks' home.

4:34

He has a dark yet fascinating story

4:36

to tell, one of

4:39

hardship, riches, fame, and demonic

4:41

deals. I

4:43

nearly drive past the entrance before the

4:45

sign jerks me away from my lugubrious

4:47

thoughts. Closer to

4:49

heaven retirement home is a modest

4:51

brick facility nestled inside the bosom

4:53

of a lush and gentle forest.

4:56

I am serenaded by the sweet

4:58

lulling songs of the birds who

5:00

share this bucolic setting with their

5:02

elderly neighbors. It's

5:04

almost as if they are saying to the

5:07

residents, why don't you get the hell off

5:09

our lawn? I walk

5:11

up the steps and onto a

5:13

dusty narrow porch decorated with spiderwebs

5:16

and dirt-dobber nests. Plain

5:18

wooden rocking chairs rest side by side

5:20

as if they are in military formation,

5:22

making the front of the building look

5:24

like a cracker barrel in Fallujah. I

5:28

press the button on a small,

5:30

pollen-covered intercom at eye level beside

5:32

a secure entrance. There's

5:35

no reply. I press

5:37

the button again, this time

5:39

holding it down for several seconds. I

5:42

hear it shrill wailing through the door. I

5:45

continue to wait, but still no one arrives.

5:48

With my finger hovering over the button,

5:50

I see a plump black woman making

5:52

her way towards me along a brief

5:55

hallway. Judging by her

5:57

attire, I presume she's part of the staff.

6:00

When she arrives, she pushes through a

6:02

single glass door and into a small

6:05

vestibule where another glass door separates us.

6:08

Her lips curl when she looks at me,

6:10

as though I discussed her. May

6:12

I help you? She asks.

6:16

I'm Sherbert Spooner from Rag

6:18

Magazine. I inform her. I

6:20

have an appointment to interview Mr. Twang. Hmm,

6:24

Mr. Wang is dead. The

6:26

Chinaman went to meet whatever god them

6:28

people worshiped over a month ago. No

6:32

no no, I'm here to interview

6:34

Billy Twang, T-W-A-N-G. He

6:38

ain't Chinese then? No

6:40

ma'am, I'm certain he's a proud

6:42

American. Aye. She

6:44

lazily replies. Just turn

6:46

and face the camera so I can get a good look at

6:49

you. I'm confused by

6:51

her odd request. But

6:53

you can clearly see me through the glass. We

6:56

can't be more than two feet apart. She

6:59

scowls. We have security

7:01

protocol in this place here, Mr.

7:03

Cracker Ass Interviewer from Ragoo Magazine.

7:06

Now step in front of the damn camera. Fine,

7:09

I say, before turning to face

7:11

the camera. Now

7:13

to your left. She orders me. I

7:16

will not turn to my- I said

7:18

turn to your damn left, Mr. Ragamuffin,

7:20

right-o-man. That's Rag

7:22

Magazine, you stupid. I

7:25

mumble before complying. Now

7:27

turn to your right. I

7:29

blindly follow, hoping to gain entry at

7:31

some point. Then turn yourself

7:34

around. I begrudgingly

7:36

follow this directive as well. What

7:39

now? I ask. You

7:41

do the hokey pokey, cause that's

7:43

what it's all about. She sings

7:45

before breaking into hysterical laughter. Enough!

7:49

I yell. I yell.

7:52

I want to see your supervisor. Oh,

7:55

oh, children here left. She says

7:57

through a jagged smile that houses more gold-

7:59

gold in a pawn shop in Vegas. I

8:02

don't get paid crap for this gig. Only

8:05

fun I can afford is at other people's

8:07

expense. Madea's stunt double

8:09

pushes the button that unlocks the main

8:11

door. At last I'm

8:14

allowed inside. I'm wondering

8:16

how to convince her to show me the

8:18

Billy's room without jumping through any more hoops

8:20

of humiliation. Where

8:22

can I find Mr. Tling's room? I

8:25

ask. She gestures towards a

8:27

long corridor. You go

8:29

halfway down this hall till you get to room 128.

8:33

She sneers. And that's

8:35

where I'll find Mr. Tling? Now

8:37

that's Miss Handy's room. She

8:39

peed a bed a lot so it'll prepare you

8:41

for the smell. What you wanna

8:44

do is keep on the truck until you get to the end

8:46

of the hall. From there hang a

8:48

left till you reach the end of that one. Then

8:51

you'll turn around and come back cause you done

8:53

went the wrong way. So now

8:55

you gonna go down to the other end of

8:57

the hall and stop at the last door on

8:59

your left. Is that where he is?

9:02

No now you're totally screwed cause you don't

9:04

know where the hell you are. Just

9:07

yell for me. What's your name? My

9:10

actual name's Odessa but I want you

9:12

to call me Sugar B Sweet. That

9:15

there my stage name back in the day when

9:17

I stripped. Once you done hollering

9:20

and making a big old jackass out of

9:22

yourself I'll waddle down there my own sweet

9:24

time and take you to Mr. Twank's room.

9:27

Can you handle all that or should I shift

9:29

to a slower gear? I

9:31

weighed a prison sentence that I would

9:33

receive for her brutal murder against the

9:36

sublime satisfaction of completing a rare interview

9:38

with a veritable rock and roll icon.

9:41

In a voice devoid of all

9:43

pride and self-respect I murmur. Got

9:46

it. She tilts her head in

9:48

glowers waiting for something more to be added

9:51

from me. Then

9:53

her mean and I say I've

9:55

got it. Sugar B

9:57

Sweet. Hallelujah. Let's go. She

9:59

says, slapping her beefy hands together,

10:01

"'Sooner I get you to that

10:03

old fox room, sooner I can

10:06

visit the Komoe and break up

10:08

this log jam. Damn

10:10

cheese! It's the snack food of

10:12

the devil!" Holding down

10:14

my bile, I followed the inspiration

10:16

for Nurse Ratched and one flew

10:18

over to Cuckoo's nest down a

10:20

hall lined with residential rooms. A

10:23

sad symphony of despair seeps from the

10:25

dank rooms of the old and forgotten.

10:28

A plea for comfort enters my

10:30

ears, along with the discussion with

10:32

imaginary people. Further down,

10:35

I hear a rousing rendition of

10:37

partying to USA being sung in

10:39

an ancient warble that is raw

10:41

from age. It sounds

10:43

like karaoke night in Pompeii just

10:45

before the lid blew off Mount

10:47

Vesuvius. From there,

10:49

we take a shadowy stairwell up to

10:51

the second floor and down a dingy

10:53

corridor to room 209. Yeti

10:57

childlike excitement soon replaces

10:59

my frustration. I'm

11:01

seconds away from an experience I will

11:03

relive as I lay on my deathbed.

11:06

I'm breathless when I enter. And

11:09

there he is. The

11:11

one and only William Andrew

11:13

Twang, otherwise known as Billy

11:16

Twang. He's the

11:18

famous founder of one of early

11:20

rock's biggest and most influential acts,

11:22

Billy Twang and the Next Big

11:24

Thing. Billy was

11:26

once a vendor of celebrity flim

11:28

at flea markets throughout the southwest

11:30

before fate plucked him from obscurity.

11:33

Despite his lack of notable charisma

11:35

or movie star good looks, Destiny

11:37

placed him on a stage that

11:39

was a million dreams away from

11:41

the small Texas town of Shitzley,

11:43

where he was born and raised.

11:46

For one shining moment, he held court

11:48

before millions of adorned fans with a

11:50

wiggle in his walk and a giggle

11:53

in his talk. Gone

11:55

now are the sinister black jeans,

11:57

red velour jacket and his infamous...

12:00

to wall-a-skin boots. The

12:02

only reminder of Billy's rebel look

12:04

is his famous blue ponytail. The

12:07

former globe-trotting entertainer is leaning forward,

12:09

his elbows resting on his knees

12:11

as he watches the TV screen

12:14

a few feet away. He

12:16

sits enraptured by a show on Discovery

12:18

Channel titled The History of Yarn. Some

12:22

bitch. He mumbles to

12:25

no one in particular. I

12:27

always thought they got yarn from

12:29

makin' an afghan sweater with a

12:32

woolly worm. Who'd a

12:34

damn thunk? I clear

12:36

my throat to get his attention, but I

12:38

get no response. After a

12:40

few awkward seconds, I clear my throat

12:42

a second time only louder. Sorry,

12:46

but I don't collect celebrity

12:48

phlegm no more. He

12:51

informs me. I introduce

12:53

myself. I don't

12:55

sell phlegm, Billy. My name is

12:57

Sherbert Spooner and I'm a journalist

12:59

with RAG Magazine. Our

13:01

office contacted you about doin' an interview

13:03

with me. Do you remember that? Do

13:06

you remember agreein' to an interview, Billy? Course

13:09

I remember. He says without takin'

13:11

his eyes from the television. I

13:15

can remember everything, including

13:17

what I had for dinner a week

13:19

ago. Oh,

13:22

Lord, wait. We had

13:24

peanut butter and shrimp casserole.

13:27

He says with a tangible

13:29

sorrow and regret. Then

13:32

he becomes agitated and terrified, as

13:34

if he's fallin' down a pitch-black

13:36

hole, barrelin' toward some sort of

13:39

hellish nightmare. Why

13:41

the hell did you make me

13:43

remember that horror? He

13:45

pitifully asks. I

13:48

just wanted to die. I

13:51

mean, really die.

13:54

I had to scream and squirt

13:57

for nine three days. maintenance

14:00

had to come by and paint

14:02

the bathroom. I

14:04

attempt to console them. Billy,

14:06

it's alright. Why

14:09

don't we focus on here and now? Turn

14:11

off the TV and let's go find a

14:13

nice pleasant place to chat. But

14:16

what do you say? Billy

14:18

calms down a tad. Well,

14:22

I guess we might as well. It

14:25

don't look like they're ever gonna show

14:27

some graphic footage of a woolly worm

14:29

meeting with a sweater. I

14:32

was hoping there'd be some saucy

14:34

action to look at, you know,

14:37

like when they showed them half-naked

14:39

jungle women with their knockers hanging

14:42

out. You ever notice

14:44

how droopy them things are? It's

14:47

like they been breastfeeding one of

14:49

them big ol' African elephants, poor

14:52

things. They probably get

14:54

chaste knees, what with their jelly

14:56

jugs rubbing up against them like

14:58

that. The clumsy ones probably

15:01

trip over them. His

15:03

abhorrent remarks stun and disappoint me.

15:07

Wow, Billy, I have to

15:09

tell you that I find your

15:11

observations disgusting and offensive. Is

15:13

that so? He responds heatedly.

15:17

Have yourself a gullet full of

15:19

that damn nasty crap casserole from

15:22

last week and then talk to

15:24

me about disgusting and offensive. He

15:28

takes a moment to settle down before

15:30

continuing. Speaking

15:33

of crap, he says in a

15:35

milder tone, let's go

15:37

shoot some. And with

15:39

that, we begin our slow, purposeful

15:42

trek down another long dreary hall

15:44

that reeks of industrial strength disinfectant

15:46

and remnants of life-threatening casseroles. With

15:50

each smashed cigarette bud and cockroach

15:52

we navigate around, we draw closer

15:54

to our destination. Where

15:56

a life and career altering discussion is

15:59

about to begin. We're

16:03

nestled in some well-worn chairs and in

16:05

a sun-drenched common room, surrounded by tall

16:07

windows. There is a stillness and peacefulness

16:09

about this space. It's

16:13

the perfect setting to begin the conversation that

16:15

I've traveled all this way to have. Ahem.

16:17

Now, Billy, it's the stuff of lore that

16:20

you rarely give interviews, and

16:24

on the infrequent occasions that

16:26

you do, you're often taciturn

16:28

and guarded. I

16:30

appreciate how difficult it is for you to

16:32

talk about your upbringing, as well as the

16:34

complicated journey of your band. I

16:38

want you to know that I, along with

16:40

your fans and both of my readers, will

16:42

be grateful for whatever tidbits you choose to

16:44

share with us. My

16:46

only hope is that perhaps, just perhaps,

16:48

you'll share as much of your odyssey

16:50

with us as possible, despite your strong

16:53

desire for privacy. Alright.

16:57

I'll tell you anything you want to know.

17:00

His words catch me off guard. I...

17:05

don't understand. When

17:07

my office contacted you for this interview,

17:09

you said you didn't like speaking to

17:11

colonists. Oh. I

17:15

thought they asked if I mind

17:17

speaking to a communist. You don't

17:19

strike me as a commie. I'm

17:23

not. Well, in that case,

17:25

I'll tell you whatever you want to

17:27

know. Okay.

17:30

Let's start with your earliest days. Well,

17:33

that's kinda interesting. He says as

17:35

he stares through one of the

17:37

many windows that offer a soothing

17:40

view of the surrounding woods and

17:42

a nearby methadone clinic. We'll

17:45

start when I was about five

17:47

or so. My

17:49

mama was a sweet and simple

17:51

woman. Her mama

17:53

was a Cherokee engine and

17:55

her daddy a recovering Irishman.

17:59

Ah, she's a... figure that's why

18:01

she grew up to being angry

18:03

drunk who made bad real estate

18:05

decisions. Now then,

18:08

my peppy was tougher than

18:10

a pigly wiggly pork chop,

18:13

a manly man's man you could

18:15

say. He woke

18:17

up every morning at two o'clock,

18:20

down three pots of scalding black

18:22

coffee, raised a barn,

18:24

and endured at least two pit

18:27

bull attacks before ever leaving home.

18:30

Then he had walked twelve miles

18:32

down a mine-laden dirt road to

18:34

get to his job at the

18:36

iron mill. It

18:38

was there he worked in the

18:40

sweltering Texas heat, forging anvils with

18:43

his bare hands. With

18:46

a pinch of chow between

18:48

his cheek and gum, he'd

18:50

scratch his butt while reciting

18:52

the stoic philosophical musings of

18:54

Marcus Aurelius and the enchanting

18:57

poetry of Browning and Yeats.

19:00

The Angie's List you know and trust

19:02

is now Angie, and we're so much

19:04

more than just a list. We still

19:06

connect you with top local pros and

19:09

show you ratings and reviews, but now

19:11

we also let you compare upfront prices

19:13

on hundreds of projects and book a

19:15

service instantly. We can even handle the

19:17

rest of your project from start to

19:19

finish. So remember, Angie's List is now

19:21

Angie, and we're here to get your

19:24

job done right. Get started

19:26

at angie.com. That's A-N-G-I,

19:28

or download the app today. Angie

19:30

has made it easier than ever to

19:32

connect with skilled professionals to get all

19:35

your jobs projects done well. If you

19:37

own a home, you know how much

19:39

work it can take, whether it's everyday

19:41

maintenance and repairs or making dream projects

19:43

a reality. It can be hard just to

19:45

know where to start, but now all you

19:47

need to do is Angie that and find

19:50

a skilled local pro who will deliver the

19:52

quality and expertise you need. Angie

19:54

has over 20 years of home service experience

19:56

and they've combined it with new tools to

19:58

simplify the whole project. whole process. Bring

20:01

them your project online or with the

20:03

Angie app, answer a few questions, and

20:05

Angie can handle the rest from start

20:07

to finish, or help you compare quotes

20:09

from multiple pros and connect instantly, which

20:12

means you can take care of just

20:14

about any home project and just a

20:16

few taps, because when it comes to

20:18

getting the most out of your home,

20:20

you can do this when you Angie

20:22

that. Download the free

20:24

Angie mobile app today or

20:26

visit angie.com. That's a-n-g-i.com. I

20:32

remember he worked odd hours.

20:35

His ships were at five,

20:37

seven, nine, and eleven. He

20:41

was a remarkably large man,

20:43

whom the townsfolk looked to

20:45

as a source of order,

20:48

strength, and occasionally shade. I

20:52

had a big brother named Delmar,

20:55

who went into the entertainment business

20:57

before I did. He

20:59

brought joy to thousands of

21:01

children despite having irritable bowel

21:04

syndrome. Maybe you've heard

21:06

of him, squirts the clown. He

21:10

died during an unfortunate incident

21:12

involving a butt plug and

21:14

an honoree bull. We

21:17

don't need to go there, though. Thank

21:20

goodness. I say before steering

21:22

Billy to another topic, it's

21:25

been said that many artists have a

21:27

story to tell about the moment they

21:29

heard the clarion call to perform. Was

21:32

there a moment in your young life that

21:34

inspired you? Sure was.

21:37

I remember it like it was yesterday.

21:40

I was sixteen at the time. I'd

21:44

worked up the nerve to ask this

21:46

pretty little thing named Lila to the

21:48

prom. I nearly fainted

21:50

when she said yes. Well,

21:54

when we got to the prom, I

21:56

noticed a few of my buddies standing

21:58

near the punch bowl of Lila. I

22:01

asked Delilah to excuse me while I

22:03

said a quick hello to him. Turns

22:07

out they were spiking the punch

22:09

with cheap green alcohol. Well

22:12

now, being one of the guys, I

22:14

had a smidge. I

22:16

was wanting to take another snort, so

22:18

I looked around to see if Delilah

22:20

was watching. She was very religious, so

22:23

I knew she'd disapprove. When

22:25

I saw her yacking it up with some

22:27

girls on the other side of the gym,

22:30

I took the opportunity to throw back some

22:32

more hoots. For

22:34

long, I was staggering drunk. Well,

22:37

wouldn't you know it, Delilah saw

22:39

me and came stomping over. I

22:42

knew I was done for. When

22:44

she got there, she could tell right

22:47

away that I'd been imbibing. When

22:49

the good girl that she was, she

22:52

insisted that I take her home immediately.

22:55

I tried talking her out of it, but

22:57

she had made up her mind. I

23:00

was too drunk to drive, and I

23:02

knew it, but she kept on demanding

23:04

that we leave. Anyhow,

23:07

we had driven a couple of

23:09

miles when we came to a

23:11

dangerous piece of backwoods road nicknamed,

23:13

Don't Take This Curve, cause it'll

23:15

kill ya. I

23:17

know I should've been more careful,

23:20

but Delilah wouldn't stop crying and

23:22

yelling, so I sped up. She

23:25

was still hollering at me when she met

23:27

her end. I'm

23:30

touched by Billy's openness and

23:32

vulnerability. I can

23:34

understand how that tragic car crash changed

23:36

your life, Billy. Car crash?

23:40

No, there wasn't no car crash.

23:43

I got tired of Delilah's constant complaining,

23:45

so I pulled over, yanked her out

23:47

of the car, and chucked her while

23:49

he butt off a cliff. That's

23:53

when I realized that girls were too much

23:55

of a distraction from what I really wanted

23:57

to do. Play

23:59

guitar. Well, when did you

24:01

pick up your first guitar? It

24:04

was the Christmas of 59 when

24:06

I asked Santy for a new guitar. I

24:09

was so happy on Christmas morning when

24:12

I found this one big present under

24:14

the tree with a tag that read,

24:16

to that peculiar one with the dopey

24:19

face. Brother man, I

24:21

couldn't wait to unwrap my first

24:23

ever guitar. Why

24:25

were you so certain it was a guitar? They

24:28

used cellophane for wrapping paper. What

24:32

happened next? Before

24:34

I knew it, I had that

24:36

guitar in my hands playing some

24:38

wicked Advent-guard type chords until Delmar

24:40

pointed out that I was playing

24:43

the wrong end of the guitar.

24:46

So I flipped it around and

24:48

started blaring such hits as blue

24:50

suede shoes, rock around the clock,

24:53

and I'm a pretty little Dutch

24:55

girl. And at

24:57

last, Mama turned to Pappy and

24:59

said, you just had

25:01

to have another kid, didn't you?

25:04

While Pappy mumbled, why us, Lord?

25:07

Why now? I

25:09

ignored their hurtful remarks and went outside

25:11

to put on a concert for the

25:14

dog. Now that's

25:16

a curious story right there. Pappy

25:19

named our dog Private First Class

25:21

Myron Philstein after a fella he

25:23

had served with in WW2. He

25:27

said he had felt a sense of

25:30

obligation after shooting to Private, whom he

25:32

had mistaken for the composer of I

25:34

Am a Pretty Little Dutch Girl. Now

25:37

Private Philstein, the pooch, not

25:40

the soldier, was a very

25:42

unusual dog. He

25:44

had converted from Judaism to

25:46

Islam six weeks earlier and

25:49

assumed such practices as not

25:51

eating any dog food that

25:53

contained pork byproducts and

25:56

taking his dumps in the direction of

25:58

Mecca. I know

26:00

this all might sound a little weird,

26:02

but honestly, you should have seen his

26:05

prayer rug. Very

26:07

stylish. At

26:09

least he wasn't as loony as our

26:11

neighbor's dog who was a Boston Terrier.

26:14

He had this annoying New England

26:16

bark. Every time a

26:18

stranger come on their property, he'd

26:21

go, bock, bock, bock. Anyhow,

26:25

I listened to records and figured out

26:27

chords that I never knew existed. After

26:30

a while, I met up with a

26:33

fellow who I'd spent the next several

26:35

years performing with, Swanky Diggs, but

26:38

that's gonna have to be a tale for

26:40

another day. Billy

26:42

appears to be getting tired, so I

26:44

suggest we work on the interview some

26:46

more tomorrow. I roll

26:48

him back through the breezeway toward the

26:50

nearest entrance. Due to security

26:52

concerns, the single glass door is

26:54

locked, so I press the

26:57

buzzer on the adjacent wall to request

26:59

reentry. I am met

27:01

by Suga B. Sweet, who asks

27:03

us to identify ourselves. I

27:06

sob. Day

27:08

2. Billy

27:10

and I have made our way out to the

27:13

courtyard today. The

27:15

warm sunshine, colorful azalea bushes,

27:17

and the musty stench from

27:19

an overflowing cigarette but receptacle

27:21

hiding his alertness. I

27:24

can tell something is bothering him. I

27:27

ask him if anything has happened since

27:29

our last conversation. We

27:31

lost a good friend last

27:33

night, Billy groans. I

27:36

only knew him for a few months,

27:38

but still we'd gotten close. It

27:41

was all so sudden but

27:44

not altogether unexpected. Heart

27:46

attack? Cancer? I

27:49

delicately ask. Now

27:52

it was suicide over the peanut

27:54

butter and shrimp casserole that's on

27:56

the menu for next Thursday. We

27:59

all He just couldn't face another

28:01

day of knowing that the gut-momer

28:03

was coming round the mountain again.

28:07

Billy, I was hoping we could pick

28:09

up where we left off yesterday. We

28:12

were just about to discuss your

28:14

relationship with your bandmate of many

28:16

years, Swanky Digs. Do

28:19

you feel up to talking about him? Sure,

28:22

why not. I

28:25

first met Swanky when we were

28:27

15. He was a

28:29

quirky little squirt even back then. His

28:32

parents were part of an early

28:34

hippie sect called the People's Asparagus

28:36

Movement. Folks were

28:38

always laughing about the peculiar way

28:40

they dressed and how funny their

28:43

pee smelled. Swanky's

28:45

folks were so engulfed in this

28:47

movement that they went so far

28:49

as to have their names legally

28:51

changed. His old

28:53

man's name became Peggy, and his old

28:56

lady started going by stool softener. Guess

29:00

she never had none of that

29:02

peanut butter and shrimp casserole. Billy

29:05

throws his head back and laughs at his

29:07

own joke. Unfortunately, his

29:09

head goes far enough back to hit the

29:11

center of the butt receptacle, catching his blue

29:14

ponytail on fire. After

29:16

I beat it out with an Azalea

29:19

branch, Billy catches his breath and returns

29:21

to his story. Despite

29:23

being their only child, Swanky's folks

29:25

never coddled him. Even

29:28

as a little type, they expected

29:31

him to sweep the porch, feed

29:33

the chickens, and manage their investment

29:35

portfolio. They

29:38

were artisans, so they taught him how

29:40

to make crafts from everyday items. He

29:43

was a quick study. By the

29:45

age of 12, he had mastered

29:48

the art of making bongs out

29:50

of Christmas ornaments. I still got

29:52

one with the three wise Rastafarians he

29:54

made for me. I

29:57

see. Tell me how you two

29:59

first met. We met

30:01

in Mrs. Petermere's 10th grade

30:04

class. Besides providing us

30:06

with a proper education, she

30:08

taught us valuable lessons from

30:10

her experiences like surviving a

30:13

dust storm, living through

30:15

a depression, and being

30:17

cautious of whom she called

30:19

kooky krauts. She

30:21

said she had developed her distrust of

30:23

the Germans from a romantic relationship she

30:26

had had with a German soldier at

30:28

the height of World War I.

30:31

As she told it, she had

30:33

been serving as a nurse at

30:35

a front-line mass unit when the

30:37

military police brought the soldier in

30:39

as a prisoner. The

30:42

doctors put her in charge of treating

30:44

them for an aggressive form of gooch

30:46

rot. Over the course

30:48

of the treatment, the two

30:50

star-crossed nymphos formed a strong

30:52

bond and eventually fell hopelessly

30:54

in love. Unfortunately,

30:57

it wasn't meant to be.

31:00

I recall how she had

31:03

become somber and teary-eyed when

31:05

recounting the events that led

31:07

up to the dissolution of

31:09

their all-too-brief romance. She

31:12

told us she had made plans for

31:14

the two of them after the war,

31:17

but she just couldn't make

31:19

peace with his expectations. Although

31:22

she admired his appreciation of

31:24

lagers and fine automotives, she

31:27

felt she had to draw

31:29

the line at invading Poland.

31:32

Billy, let's get back to your relationship

31:34

with Swanky. Sorry

31:36

about that. Looks like I

31:39

hung a left at the wrong corner again,

31:41

huh? Now,

31:43

where was I? Oh, yeah.

31:46

We hit it off pretty good, Swanky

31:48

and me. One day

31:50

I invited him over to my house

31:52

after school. He had

31:55

to get the okey-doke from Peggy

31:57

and Stuelschaufner, but once that was

31:59

settled, he came on over. The

32:02

first thing I showed him was my

32:04

guitar. "'Let's hear

32:06

what you got,' he said.

32:08

So I lit into some

32:10

heavy experimental rock fusion. I

32:13

was wailing away with some complicated

32:15

chords until Swanky pointed out that

32:17

I was playing the wrong end

32:19

of the guitar. I

32:22

turned it the right way and started

32:24

cranking out some of the classic artists

32:26

of the day. Jimi Hendrix,

32:28

The Who, The Arches.

32:31

On that last one, Mama and Pappy

32:33

came into the room. Pappy

32:36

told me I wasn't his son while Mama

32:38

tried to pull her head off. Well,

32:41

Swanky snatched the guitar out of my

32:43

hands and said, Let me show you

32:45

the real deal. I

32:47

sat there in astonishment. My

32:49

Swanky tore through a right

32:51

many rock and blues tunes.

32:54

He flew up and down the

32:56

neck of that guitar like a

32:58

boy possessed. When he

33:01

finished, he put the guitar down

33:03

and said, What you think? I

33:06

turned to ask my parents the

33:08

same question, but they had quietly

33:10

snuck out during Swanky's tour de

33:12

force. I later

33:14

learned that they had called Pappy and

33:16

Stoolsoftner to see if they'd be up

33:18

for making a trade. That

33:21

must have been pretty tough on you at

33:23

that impressionable age. Did you

33:25

feel any bitterness, particularly against your

33:27

father? A little

33:30

at first, but I'd

33:32

pretty much gotten over it by the

33:34

time he went to Glory. So

33:36

he died shortly after that? Oh,

33:40

he didn't die right then. No,

33:43

he'd run off with this

33:45

bug-eyed fatty waitress named Glory.

33:48

I recollect that one of her boobies

33:50

was bigger than the other one. The

33:54

disproportionate weight made her list to

33:56

one side, so she was always

33:58

walking in circles. But

34:01

your father did die at a relatively

34:03

young age, I understand. How

34:05

did he pass?" "'Now that's

34:07

a kind of peculiar story." "'Yes,

34:10

Billy. That seems to be

34:12

the pattern regarding some of your anecdotes. Please

34:15

continue.' "'You betcha.' Pappy

34:19

and Glory, along with Delmar and

34:21

me, were watching reruns of Hee-haw

34:23

on the TV. Glory

34:26

was kicked back in his recliner

34:28

sipping iced tea out of his

34:30

favorite Bama jelly jar. Glory

34:33

was sitting on the couch clipping her

34:35

toenails. Glory's toenails were

34:38

real thick, see, so she cut

34:40

them with one of them big

34:42

ginsu steak knives. Ah,

34:45

well, sir, when she had sawed

34:47

off a big ol' grungy chunk,

34:49

it flew through the air like

34:51

a cannonball and did a belly

34:53

flop right into Pappy's tea jar.

34:56

We reckon he'd never heard the splash,

34:59

cause he didn't hesitate to throw back

35:01

a Harley swig. Well,

35:03

the next thing that happened was his eyes

35:05

started bugging out of his head, as he

35:08

tried to yak up Glory's big

35:10

yellow toenail, sensing

35:13

the danger Delmar sprang into

35:15

action and threw Pappy on

35:17

the floor. Then

35:19

he jumped up and down on his

35:21

big beer belly hoping to dislodge the

35:23

nasty thing. When

35:25

that didn't work, Glory took off like

35:27

she had lit too big a fart

35:29

and ran to get the vacuum cleaner

35:31

to suck it out. Before

35:34

she could get back, Pappy

35:37

breathed his last. Did

35:40

he manage any last words? Yep.

35:44

He said, tell Glory

35:46

I love her. Then

35:50

go tell my mistress I love her

35:52

more. Oh my goodness,

35:54

Billy, that was horrible. I

35:57

can't imagine the shock your family felt

35:59

dealing with you. with such a bizarre

36:01

and unexpected death. I

36:03

would think that the way your father died

36:06

left you shaken and confused. Oh

36:08

yeah, I was confused all

36:10

right. What with him swallowing

36:13

one of Glory's toenails, he

36:15

usually just chewed on them. Pushing

36:18

away my disgust, I say. Billy, I

36:20

desperately want you to get back to

36:22

your early work with Swanky. Sure

36:25

thing. Swanky and

36:27

me got to be pretty tight,

36:29

like brothers even, except

36:31

his parents never had sex with

36:33

mine, although sometimes they'd

36:36

go on nude picnics together. We'd

36:39

jam, hang out, paint the dog,

36:41

and occasionally write songs together. The

36:45

first one we worked on was a

36:47

tender love ballad written by Swanky right

36:49

after a romantic breakup. It

36:52

was called, I Pooded on Your

36:54

Sandwich. That one really

36:56

moved me, because it emanated from

36:58

Swanky's broken heart, as well as

37:01

from his digestive tract. It

37:03

also taught me some good rules when it

37:06

came to love. Be

37:08

grateful for the experience. Love

37:10

till the very end, and never

37:12

leave a PVJ unattended if Swanky

37:15

is mad at you. Shortly

37:18

after we graduated from high

37:20

school, Swanky and I put

37:22

together some interesting bands. We

37:25

named the first one the Runovers. That

37:28

one broke up when our lead singer

37:30

lived up to our name while crossing

37:32

a busy highway. The

37:35

next band had a name that appealed to

37:37

the folks who liked to throw back a

37:39

few gold ones. We called

37:41

ourselves the Empties. That

37:44

one fell apart after we realized the

37:46

Empties too often described the parking lots

37:48

of the bars we were playing at.

37:52

Now, the Rock and Roll Pie had

37:54

a lot of fingers in it by

37:56

then, so we turned to

37:58

a new genre that was hot at the

38:00

moment. Christian Rock.

38:03

After the success of Jesus

38:05

Christ Superstar and Godspell, we

38:07

figured we'd be a hit.

38:10

We dubbed ourselves the Beatitudes

38:13

and performed Beatles songs with

38:15

altered lyrics. We

38:17

jammed on such titles as Hey

38:19

Judas, Got to Get You Into

38:22

My Eternal Life, The Long and

38:24

Winding Road to Damascus, Six Days

38:26

a Week, Evolution No. 9, and

38:29

my personal favorite,

38:31

While David's Heart Gently

38:33

Weeps. The

38:35

critics at the time must have

38:37

also been in a biblical frame

38:40

of mind, called Brother. They crucified

38:42

us. Their cruel

38:44

assessments disheartened us so much that

38:46

that group fell by the wayside

38:49

as well. After

38:51

all that, some swanky and I

38:53

decided to take a break from

38:56

the band format and resigned ourselves

38:58

to performing as an acoustic duo.

39:01

Really? You guys were an

39:03

acoustic duo? Oh yeah.

39:06

We played some Crosby, Stills

39:08

and Nash before they brought

39:10

that southern man-hating jackass Neil

39:13

Young on board, Neil

39:15

Young. Neil Young

39:18

is a whiny, nasally commie whose

39:20

voice sounds like his nose is

39:22

packed with snot. That

39:25

boy doesn't need a band. He

39:27

needs a decongestant. We

39:31

also performed some early Eagles and

39:33

Almond Brothers. And

39:36

every once in a while, I'd play

39:38

solo on some of the old Archie

39:40

songs. On those

39:43

particular nights, I'd see Mama

39:45

come in, weeping to a

39:47

hanky, then saunter away. And

39:49

if I listened carefully, I could

39:52

hear Pappy retching in the parking

39:54

lot. How long did you

39:56

guys go on as an acoustic act? Longer

39:59

than we wanted. I wanted to, that's for

40:01

dang sure. We

40:03

were mighty thankful when the Lord

40:05

sent us a couple of gifts

40:07

in the form of a red-hot

40:10

bass player named Sven the Mexican

40:12

and his drummer buddy Cableman. Tell

40:15

me how their arrivals came about. That's

40:18

gonna have to wait for another time.

40:21

Nude Bingo starts in less than an hour,

40:23

so I have to get ready. It

40:26

takes you that long to get naked? Heck

40:28

no. It takes me that

40:30

long to hide so they don't drag me

40:32

down there to look at all them nut

40:35

draggers and boob saggers. I

40:37

thank Billy for his time and tell him I'll

40:39

return in a few days to hear the rest

40:41

of his story. He bids

40:43

me a gracious adieu, pops a willy

40:46

in his wheelchair, and steers his butt-cherried

40:48

away to a broom closet near the

40:50

end of the hall. Day

40:54

3 It's

40:57

a rainy, somber day. The

41:00

kind of day that is tailor-made for old movies

41:02

on TV. Moments

41:04

of quiet reflection, where Cole and

41:06

Oscar peeps. Billy's

41:09

mood reflects the inclement weather. He

41:12

sits near the rain-spattered window in a

41:14

state of deep gloom. He

41:17

hardly notices me as I place a chair

41:19

next to him and sit down. Billy,

41:22

I ask, are you up

41:25

for a talk today? I

41:27

can come back when you're feeling better. Without

41:30

raising his head, he mumbles. I

41:33

want to get it out. I

41:36

want to get it all out now. Okay

41:39

then, Billy. Just say whatever

41:41

you feel compelled to share. He

41:44

looks confused, irritated. No,

41:47

no! He exclaims. I'm

41:50

talking about the broccoli jello they

41:52

fed me this morning. I

41:55

want it out of me right now. I

41:58

ask Billy if he needs a moment. to

42:00

regurgitate in the bathroom. He

42:03

thinks I say refrigerate and shares that

42:05

he keeps his mini-fridge in his bathroom

42:07

because it makes the storage of his

42:10

stool samples convenient. It is

42:12

now that I wish to regurgitate,

42:14

but not in Billy's bathroom. Definitely

42:17

not in Billy's bathroom. I

42:20

push down the gorge that's rising through

42:22

my throat like molten sickness. Once

42:25

the urge to vomit has passed, I

42:27

prod Billy to continue his story. I

42:30

am happy when he does so. Billy,

42:33

in our previous conversation, you were

42:35

about to tell me about Sven

42:37

the Mexicans and Cableman's journey to

42:39

becoming members of the band. Billy

42:42

smiles at the recollection. Oh

42:44

yeah, old Sven and

42:47

Cableman. Me and Swanky

42:49

had put up ads all over town.

42:52

Record stores, telephone poles,

42:55

community bulletin boards. It

42:58

had been almost a month and we hadn't

43:00

had a single hit. One

43:02

Saturday afternoon, Swanky and I had

43:04

just come back from lunch at

43:06

Pizza Slut. I

43:08

think you mean Pizza Hut. No,

43:11

it was like Pizza Hut, but

43:13

with hookers for waitresses. Boy,

43:15

howdy. You should have checked out their

43:18

Meat Lover special. Billy,

43:20

you've straight again. Right.

43:23

So, Swanky and I were over

43:25

at our rundown apartment, picking through

43:27

some tunes when the telephone rang.

43:31

Now, today, you young fellas snuggle

43:33

your phones up against your willy.

43:36

But back then, they hung on walls

43:38

or sat on tables in your living

43:40

room and bedroom. I

43:43

only mentioned this because it was the

43:45

phone on the kitchen wall that rang.

43:48

Swanky ran to get it, you know,

43:50

just in case it was somebody responding

43:52

to our ad. Anyhow,

43:55

he tripped over the coffee table

43:57

and stumbled towards the window. His

44:00

arms were pin-willing and his eyes were

44:02

as big as the steering wheel on

44:04

a greyhound bus. He

44:06

couldn't stop himself from crashing through the

44:08

window and landing on top of a

44:10

man below who was walking his weenie

44:13

dog. Well, sir,

44:15

that little sausage dog got loose and

44:17

ended up right in front of a

44:19

city bus that ran over its tail.

44:22

I heard the dog's name used to

44:25

be precious, but after the accident, the

44:27

owner changed it to Beaver. Billy,

44:30

let's stay focused. The

44:32

phone rang and... Oh, right.

44:35

Sorry. Okay, so I

44:37

answered the phone and said, hello.

44:39

Who's this? The fella said,

44:42

Ola. My name's

44:44

Cen the Mexican. At

44:46

least I think that's what he said. He

44:49

was kinda hard to understand with

44:51

that thick Swedish accent. He

44:54

went on to say he was calling in

44:56

response to our ad. According

44:58

to him, he was a seasoned

45:00

musician with some club experience. Well,

45:03

needless to say, I was tickled pink.

45:07

I told him we were looking to add

45:09

some people to our line-up and asked him

45:11

if he'd meet us for an audition. He

45:14

said, Sí, señor in that

45:16

same Swedish accent. Then

45:18

started talking about a drummer he knew who

45:20

might fit the bill. I

45:23

told him the more the merrier. We

45:26

agreed on when and where. And

45:28

that was that. My

45:30

understanding is that you guys met

45:32

in an old abandoned factory. Walk

45:35

me through the audition. Swanky

45:37

and I often passed by a

45:40

former factory that had manufactured heat-seeking

45:42

lawn darts. It

45:44

had been shuttered for years, so we picked

45:47

up for the side of our first jam

45:49

session with the other fellas. I

45:52

recall it was on a cold

45:54

Tuesday afternoon when Sven the Mexican

45:56

and Cableman the drummer showed up.

46:00

I've always wondered, how

46:02

did he end up with the name Cableman?" "'His

46:05

momma named him after his

46:08

daddy,' Billy explained. So

46:10

his father was a Cableman?" "'No,

46:13

his daddy was a plumber. You're

46:16

a big boy, you do the math.'" I

46:19

nod, indicating that I understand his

46:21

implication. I press on.

46:24

I know that Sven's last name

46:26

was Rodriguez, but I don't recall

46:28

ever learning Cableman's last name. Did

46:31

he keep it secret on purpose? "'Everybody

46:34

has a last name. It's

46:36

just that Cableman couldn't remember his.

46:39

When he was a youngin', a propeller

46:42

from a small airplane that just happened

46:44

to be flying overhead broke off and

46:46

lodged in his noggin. The

46:49

doctors were afraid to remove it. They didn't

46:51

know what kind of damage it might do,

46:54

so they left it in. The

46:56

poor Cableman had a hard time

46:58

getting through doorways and narrow halls.

47:01

They quit school early because he was

47:04

tired of knocking his classmates unconscious every

47:06

time he looked around to see who

47:08

was calling his name. To

47:11

keep him out of trouble in

47:13

elevators, his folks bought him a

47:15

cheap drum set, which he played

47:17

religiously. Later

47:19

on, he and Sven crossed paths

47:21

and started working together as a

47:24

rhythm section. Once

47:26

they were tight, they signed on with

47:28

some popular local yokel acts. The

47:31

cast started trickling in, and soon Cableman

47:33

had enough to pay a back alley

47:35

doctor to yank the prop out of

47:37

his skull. Then

47:39

one day, fate stepped in, and Sven

47:42

saw our ad. Shall

47:44

I continue?" "'Yes, please.'"

47:48

"'Cableman and Sven the Mexican showed

47:50

up that day with their gear,

47:52

and we got down to the

47:54

business of making music. I

47:57

don't know how to explain it, other than

47:59

to save the world.' it was like a

48:01

lightning bolt hitting a hamster. Explosive,

48:04

but without all the guts and

48:06

cedar shavings. From

48:08

the first go round, we clicked

48:10

on every cover song. Fortunate Son

48:13

by CCR, Jumpin' Jack Flash by

48:15

the Stones, and I Think I

48:17

Love You by the Partridge Family.

48:21

I remember that last one because Papi

48:23

appeared out of nowhere, puked on the

48:25

floor, and stumbled off mumbling all it

48:28

would have cost me was a dime

48:30

at the drug store. Billy

48:32

takes a dramatic pause in his story.

48:36

Now listen up, Sonny. He says,

48:38

leaning closer to me for emphasis.

48:41

This here is the important

48:43

part. The

48:45

moment when we became Billy Twang

48:47

in the next big thing. Oh,

48:51

Swanky says to us, I

48:53

got an original piece that I wanna

48:55

show you guys. It's four

48:57

chords in the truth. Nothing

49:00

more, nothing less, dig it? Well,

49:03

let me tell you, Swanky lit

49:05

into some honky tonk power chords

49:07

that filled my soul with rock

49:09

and roll. It

49:12

was like Stevie Ray Vaughan

49:14

had enticed Chuck Berry into

49:16

meeting him in a cheap

49:18

motel and taking part in

49:20

a crazy stinky monkey sex

49:22

three way with Pat Benatar,

49:24

producing a two headed one

49:26

ball Sasquatch named Roaring Rockin'

49:28

Blues. When

49:30

he was done, I slapped some

49:32

greasy lyrics on it and it

49:34

became our first big hit. You're

49:37

in the wrong hole. I'm

49:40

beyond excited. I've

49:42

learned the origin of the song that brought

49:44

about the Billy Twang in the next big

49:46

thing era. Now

49:48

the questions are coming to me

49:51

with the speed of Budweiser distancing

49:53

themselves from Dylan Mulvaney. So

49:55

I ask, was that early

49:57

record the catalyst for your first act?

50:00

album sniff my finger. Oh

50:02

yeah. Billy exclaims. We

50:05

spent the next few months perfecting

50:07

our sound. The songs fell

50:09

out of the sky like Lizzo

50:11

with the parachute malfunction. We

50:14

were brothers after that, except

50:16

unlike Hunter Biden. Nobody planned

50:18

on banging the other guys'

50:20

widows. Walk me through

50:22

the first round of success. Billy

50:24

takes his time. This

50:27

is the hardest part. The

50:30

dark part. He fearfully mutters.

50:33

You gotta understand. We

50:35

were four young men who had waited

50:37

all their lives for one bite of

50:40

the apple. The problem

50:42

was that the record company wanted us

50:44

to take three more bites. And if

50:47

those bites didn't leave a mark, then

50:49

the label would do the equivalent of

50:51

what's called a turkey drop. That's

50:54

when you dump a fat, ugly girlfriend

50:56

before your buddies find out you're dating

50:59

her. Yep. It

51:01

was all coming unglued. The

51:03

ideas dried up faster than

51:06

whoopee goldberg's ovaries. And

51:08

like Madonna yanking her drawers down

51:10

for skin mags back in the

51:12

late 1800s, we were young and

51:14

needed the money. We

51:17

were in a word, very desperate.

51:20

Billy, that's two words. I

51:22

inform him. Oh, finger me,

51:24

grandpa. You want to hear the story

51:26

or not? He irritably asks.

51:30

Of course, Billy. Please continue. Okay,

51:33

then. That's when Sven

51:35

the Mexican offered up a solution.

51:38

You see, he'd been dabbling in the

51:40

dark arts. I'm talking

51:43

evil stuff that can take over

51:45

your mind and soul like Satanism,

51:48

demonology, or fan duel.

51:51

He told us that if we'd

51:53

swearing allegiance to the demon Oompa

51:55

Loompa, the creature would bestow on

51:57

us the gift of never-ending hits.

52:00

What wasn't to like? The

52:03

ceremony required us to sloss our

52:05

palms with a sacred dagger, then

52:07

recite an ancient chant. The

52:10

closest thing we had to a sacred

52:12

dagger was a steak knife that swanky

52:14

and filts from a waffle house. We

52:17

used it to cut ourselves, then

52:19

rubbed our bloody palms together while

52:22

chanting in a gauda davida. Sitting

52:25

here now with the benefit of

52:27

hindsight, I'm ashamed I went

52:29

through with the ceremony. I

52:32

took some comfort from the fact

52:34

that 80's punk rocker Billy Idol

52:36

performed a similar ceremony by chanting.

52:38

Here she comes right now. Mooney

52:41

Mooney. Anyway, that's

52:43

when we came up with new hits

52:45

like I'm Only Using the Tip, followed

52:48

by Don't Be Paranoid, there's no

52:50

camera in the teddy bear, and

52:53

the chart topper. I swear to

52:55

you, this has never happened to

52:57

me before. Ooh ooh! I shout.

53:00

I know those. They're classics. Classics,

53:03

but at a cost. Billy

53:06

Somburly says. I ask

53:08

him to explain. Billy

53:10

lowers his head like a drawbridge.

53:14

Every contract has a stipulation.

53:18

For us, it

53:20

was our eternal souls. That

53:23

was something I found to be a

53:25

little silly, cause I've never heard of

53:27

a temporary soul. It

53:29

makes it sound like a dang hurts rental. Anyhow,

53:33

we had our hits, sold

53:35

out big venues, and

53:37

got celebrity tables near the meat

53:40

display at Outback Steakhouse. But

53:42

like Travis Kelsey, we

53:45

knew we now belonged to an entity

53:47

darker than the night, and

53:49

that there would be no escape. We

53:52

didn't want the demon-writing mean songs

53:54

about a messy breakup, so

53:57

we sauntered along meekly. Eventually

54:00

the time came when we

54:02

had to pay our dues,

54:06

and unlike Planet Fitness, it

54:09

was a heck of a lot more than ten

54:11

dollars a month. I

54:13

swallowed hard. Do I

54:15

really want to hear the truth behind the

54:18

unusual and premature deaths of the members of

54:20

the next big thing? I

54:22

realize and accept that this interview

54:24

must end as it began with

54:26

the truth. I

54:29

deathly guide Billy toward the

54:31

interview's inevitable conclusion. Tell

54:35

me, Billy, how did

54:37

you feel about the passing of your brothers?

54:40

Your bandmates? Have

54:43

you ever seen the movies, The

54:45

Omen, or Final Destination?

54:48

He asks in a barely perceptible

54:50

whisper. Yes, Billy, I

54:52

have. Both films feature

54:55

a series of horrifically violent and

54:57

preordained deaths. That's

54:59

right, he says. I

55:02

always knew that Sven would be the

55:04

first to go. After

55:07

all, he was the one who first signed

55:09

on the dotted line. Many

55:12

folks were perplexed over how a man

55:14

could die in such a sequential way,

55:18

but I knew it was

55:20

time for him to pay his tab. I

55:25

speak softly, carefully. If

55:28

you're up for it, Billy, please

55:30

walk me through his last day as you

55:33

understand it. It

55:35

all started simple enough. Billy

55:37

begins. Apparently Sven

55:39

was battling a raging case

55:42

of athlete's foot. Within

55:44

weeks of the initial diagnosis, the

55:47

disease had spread up his leg

55:49

to his knees. His

55:51

podiatrist solemnly advised him to

55:54

consider getting his affairs in

55:56

order. Sven

55:58

told him he didn't think to condemn. The

56:00

doctor became embarrassed and said, by

56:03

golly, you're right. Never

56:05

mind. Then he directed Sven

56:08

to a nearby Walgreens for a medicated

56:10

foot spray. The

56:12

story goes that when Sven

56:14

got home, his

56:17

wife Mona was hosting a merry-k party

56:19

in the living room. Sven set a

56:21

quick cake pasta to the attendees and

56:24

headed upstairs to the bathroom to

56:27

spray his fungus. But

56:29

what he didn't realize was that he

56:32

had had the nozzle pointed the wrong

56:34

way. So instead of spraying

56:36

his foot, he took a

56:38

heavy blast of fast-acting to naktin'

56:40

straight to his peepers. Sven's eyes

56:42

were a blazing, fiery agony

56:46

as he bolted from the bathroom screaming

56:48

like a bobcat. In his panic, he

56:50

tripped on the

56:53

hallway rug and went tumbling

56:55

butt-over elbows down a flight

56:57

of stairs. Then

57:00

he spilled out into the hallway outside the

57:02

living room where Mona's party

57:04

was raging in its raucous

57:06

all-pink glory. The

57:08

best way to describe the ensuing melee is to

57:11

think of Sven as a stick of dynamite and

57:15

the party as a cozy campfire. At

57:18

the sound of their screaming, Sven sprang

57:20

up and attempted to run away. In

57:24

his frenzy, he ran straight into a wall that

57:27

propelled him backward into a table

57:29

full of Mary Kay products. Then

57:32

into his brand-new 47-inch

57:34

color television. The

57:37

TV crashed to the floor causing

57:39

an electrical fire that quickly spread

57:41

to the flammable Mary Kay products.

57:45

There was a loud whoosh followed

57:47

by a curtain of famished flames

57:49

that ate their way through the

57:51

living room like Michael Moore at

57:53

an all-you-can-eat buffet. Mona

57:56

and her guests stampeded like terrified

57:58

buffaloes the front door and into

58:01

the yard. Poor old

58:03

Sven followed right behind them,

58:05

still blind and a-screaming. That's

58:08

when one guest yelled, Get away

58:11

from me, you wailing whack-job, and

58:13

started striking Sven upside his head

58:15

with her heavy purse. To

58:18

flee the assault, Sven ran across

58:20

the yard and out into the

58:22

street, where a large collection truck

58:24

from Industries for the Blind struck

58:26

him. The impact of

58:28

being hit by well over 5,000 pounds of

58:31

iron, he sent him flying through the

58:33

air, over a neighbor's

58:36

tane-linked fence, and into his yard,

58:39

where six rottweilers were housed.

58:42

It turned out the neighbor had gone

58:44

fishing for the weekend and had forgotten

58:47

to feed his large breed-eating machines. Well,

58:51

you can guess the rest. Mona,

58:54

a former exotic dancer who had

58:56

once shared the stage with a

58:58

rottune stripper named Suga B. Sweet,

59:00

was the first to inform me

59:02

of the tragic news. In

59:05

her usual buck-toothed battle, she

59:08

explained that the doctors had

59:10

treated Sven for a range

59:12

of injuries including seared retinas,

59:14

carpet burns, smoke inhalation, a

59:16

head contusion, fractured

59:19

ribs, dog bites, and the

59:21

piece they resist on, rabies.

59:25

Apparently the stupid neighbor had never

59:27

bothered having any of his dogs

59:29

vaccinated. The whole ordeal

59:32

caused so much trauma and shock

59:34

that Sven ended up dying. As

59:37

for Cableman, he had the

59:39

most cringe-worthy demise. It

59:42

was winter in Aspensey, and Cableman

59:44

loved to go up and ride

59:46

the slopes. We also

59:48

like to ride the snow bunnies, but

59:51

that's a letter to Penthouse sort of

59:53

tale. Anyhow, it

59:55

was late morning and he was jonesing

59:57

for a drink. It's like

59:59

he used to say. It's ten o'clock

1:00:02

in the morning somewhere. After

1:00:04

a couple hours of drinking, he'd gotten

1:00:07

good and snuckered. This

1:00:09

left him open to suggestions from

1:00:11

the other drunks in the resort's

1:00:13

clubhouse. How the heck

1:00:15

anyone could talk a man into stripping

1:00:17

naked and riding a mountain cable lift

1:00:19

in the dead of winter is still

1:00:21

a mystery to me. Witnesses

1:00:24

said that when his car reached the

1:00:26

highest point, it snagged on a pulley.

1:00:29

Then the chair's safety bar

1:00:31

inexplicably opened, and he fell

1:00:33

off. But it got

1:00:36

worse. Cableman's great pouch

1:00:38

had frozen to the seat. They

1:00:41

said after he fell, he bounced up and

1:00:43

down like he was hooked to a bungee

1:00:46

cord. He dangled from

1:00:48

his grotesquely extended sack for hours

1:00:50

before someone got close enough to

1:00:52

pour some warm water on it

1:00:54

to free him. By

1:00:56

then, he had been dead for hours from

1:00:58

the bitter cold. In

1:01:01

my nightmares, I can see him

1:01:03

there, swinging wildly in the high

1:01:05

winter winds from a yard-long fleshy

1:01:07

tentacle. It chills

1:01:09

me to this day. Turns

1:01:12

out, there was a silver lining, though.

1:01:15

Before his funeral, his kin couldn't find

1:01:17

a tie to go with the suit

1:01:19

they were burying him in. So

1:01:21

they painted tasteful red stripes on

1:01:23

his stretched-out strip of balls and

1:01:25

tied it around his neck. I

1:01:28

gotta say, old Cableman looked pretty

1:01:31

dapper in his testicle tie. When

1:01:34

Swanky went, I knew my

1:01:36

end was near. I

1:01:39

loved Swanky. He'd been

1:01:41

with me from the beginning. He

1:01:44

inspired me, taught me, and

1:01:47

promised me in bed that it never happened

1:01:49

to him before. I

1:01:52

have to believe that his passing was

1:01:54

likely the hardest for you to process,

1:01:57

I say with deep compassion. It

1:02:00

was Billy Crohn's, but

1:02:04

I take comfort in knowing that he

1:02:06

went out like a warrior. Years

1:02:11

after the ritual, Swanky

1:02:13

tried getting out from under the

1:02:15

demon's thumb by becoming a Christian

1:02:17

and joining a church called Our

1:02:19

Lady of the Barka Lounger. One

1:02:22

day, some of the church

1:02:25

brethren decided they wanted to join the

1:02:27

local church softball league, so

1:02:29

that's what they did. This

1:02:32

is where Swanky's story drew to

1:02:34

its awful conclusion. Originally,

1:02:37

the church invited Swanky to join

1:02:39

their praise band, but it was

1:02:41

the up-and-coming softball team that drew

1:02:44

him in. All

1:02:46

they asked for was a mascot,

1:02:48

so there was no need for

1:02:50

him to endure lengthy training sessions.

1:02:54

After a lunchtime powwow at

1:02:56

the Sizzler, Swanky and the

1:02:58

brethren sealed the deal. Immediately,

1:03:01

the team began thinking of a

1:03:03

cool and tough-looking character for a

1:03:05

mascot to represent him. Then,

1:03:08

an idea hit him. The

1:03:10

team piled into the church van

1:03:12

and drove to this place called

1:03:15

Crazy Cow's Discount Costumes. Once

1:03:18

they got there, they started looking

1:03:20

for something fierce and menacing, like

1:03:22

a shark or a pirate, a tiger

1:03:24

or a bear. Unfortunately,

1:03:27

they only had about five bucks

1:03:29

between them. Crazy Cow

1:03:31

had one costume that he would part

1:03:34

with at that price, a

1:03:36

sweaty and slightly used lobster suit that

1:03:38

someone had recently worn at the grand

1:03:41

opening of a local red lobster. Although

1:03:44

it seemed like a lame mascot,

1:03:47

the brethren begrudgingly agreed that the

1:03:50

giant claws did look a

1:03:52

little intimidating. They

1:03:54

weren't happy about naming the

1:03:56

team the Pittstained Lobsters, but

1:03:58

Quentin Tarantino's Lobsters. lawyers were

1:04:01

just as unhappy about their

1:04:03

original choice, the Inglorious Baptists.

1:04:06

Anyhow, they bought the stupid thing and

1:04:08

left. A few

1:04:10

days before their first game, the

1:04:12

brethren, sans swanky, began to think

1:04:14

that it wouldn't make for a

1:04:16

flamboyant interest to simply have a

1:04:18

big lobster waddling onto the diamond

1:04:21

to lead them out. So

1:04:23

they got an idea to spice things

1:04:25

up. One of them

1:04:27

found a used circus cannon on eBay.

1:04:31

They bought it with the notion of

1:04:33

firing swanky the lobster out over the

1:04:35

diamond and into a safety net about

1:04:37

50 yards away. Looking

1:04:40

back, it may have saved

1:04:42

them all a lot of heartbreak and

1:04:45

expense had they gotten swanky's input first.

1:04:48

When game day rolled around,

1:04:50

a frightened and significantly better

1:04:52

informed swanky changed his mind.

1:04:55

Did something about how they had never

1:04:57

mentioned anything about a cannon and he

1:04:59

wanted out. But since

1:05:02

swanky was a little guy and it's

1:05:04

hard to fight back in a lobster

1:05:06

suit, they were able to overpower him

1:05:08

and stuff him into the cannon. Now

1:05:11

the first thing you need to know

1:05:13

about firing a cannon is not to

1:05:16

use too much gunpowder. This

1:05:18

became apparent to the brethren after

1:05:20

they had messed up calculating the

1:05:22

body weight to air speed ratio

1:05:24

and loaded the cannon with way

1:05:26

too much of it. Deciding

1:05:29

to leave the details to the devil, they

1:05:31

picked a child to come down out of

1:05:34

the stands to light the fuse. Soon

1:05:37

there was a loud boom. High

1:05:40

pitch screaming echoed through the bright

1:05:42

blue summer sky as

1:05:44

a flaming lobster streaked speedily

1:05:46

toward the horizon. His

1:05:50

velocity was so great and his

1:05:52

trajectory so high that a low

1:05:54

flying Cessna snagged him with its

1:05:56

tail fin and whisked him away

1:05:59

to part some unknown. The

1:06:01

church, upon hearing the news,

1:06:03

located the pilot who had

1:06:06

traveled to Cancun for a drag queens

1:06:08

for Trump rally. He

1:06:10

informed them that he didn't find anyone

1:06:12

hanging from the plane, so

1:06:15

Swanky could have fallen off

1:06:17

anywhere along the Texas-Mexico border.

1:06:19

There was a brief

1:06:21

search, but despite the effort they couldn't

1:06:23

find them. From what

1:06:25

I heard, they still don't know where

1:06:27

Swanky is. Well,

1:06:29

just like Leah Thomas' parents,

1:06:32

the brethren were guilt-ridden and

1:06:34

disappointed. After some

1:06:36

prayer and a couple lobotomies,

1:06:38

they decided to quit church

1:06:40

softball. There was

1:06:42

talk of a hatchet throwing club,

1:06:44

but after hearing about the plan,

1:06:46

the church excommunicated the brethren on

1:06:48

the grounds of being idiots. As

1:06:51

for the fate of Swanky, a

1:06:54

story is told down Mexico way

1:06:56

of a giant scorched lobster stumbling

1:06:58

around aimlessly through the dusty streets

1:07:01

of Santa Rosa, muttering over and

1:07:03

over again, play ball. Play

1:07:05

ball. But that's

1:07:07

only a legend. I

1:07:09

alone know the truth. Swanky

1:07:12

landed in the arms of the

1:07:14

demons who eagerly awaited him. And

1:07:18

now, there's only

1:07:20

you. I finish for him.

1:07:24

We sit in silence as if deciding

1:07:26

who should end the interview. The

1:07:29

quiet is all-encompassing and

1:07:32

absolute, like Bank

1:07:34

of America Stadium during a Carolina

1:07:36

Panthers game. After

1:07:38

what feels like an endless moment,

1:07:40

I ask the final question. Was

1:07:43

it worth it, Billy? He

1:07:45

smiles, but only slightly. It's

1:07:48

the kind of smile that says, I

1:07:50

have accepted my fate and am

1:07:52

at peace with it. Or, I

1:07:55

just crap my pants and now you have to

1:07:57

smell it and pretend that you don't. Eventually

1:08:00

he looks at me, then

1:08:02

speaks the last words I shall ever hear

1:08:05

from him. Some

1:08:07

folks lived their whole lives dreaming,

1:08:09

but never touched those dreams. Some

1:08:13

folks trade their gifts for a

1:08:15

safe, normal life. But

1:08:18

some folks throw themselves at their

1:08:20

destiny like we did. As

1:08:23

for me, I found

1:08:25

my dream, matted on

1:08:28

its own terms, and

1:08:30

lived to tell my story, my

1:08:32

story to you. I'm

1:08:35

glad we talked, set

1:08:38

the record straight. I

1:08:41

guess that's all I have to say. Billy

1:08:44

and I sit for a while longer. The

1:08:47

air is fragrant with the smell of

1:08:49

daffodils, roses, and the sweet stink of

1:08:51

the cheap cigar that Sugar Bee Sweet

1:08:53

left smoldering in a nearby ashtray. As

1:08:57

our time together ends, I

1:08:59

stand and gaze lovingly, respectfully,

1:09:03

at the man, the legend, Billy

1:09:06

Twang. In

1:09:08

that last moment together, I find

1:09:10

myself wondering, should I

1:09:12

tell him he crapped his pants or pretend

1:09:14

I don't smell it? It's

1:09:19

a few days after my last visit with Billy

1:09:21

that I learned of his death. Perhaps

1:09:24

it was the Dark Demon collecting his

1:09:26

final payment that ripped Billy from this

1:09:28

world and dropped him into

1:09:30

an eternal realm of darkness. Or

1:09:33

maybe it was the eye-watering butt-thunk

1:09:35

from Sugar Bee Sweet that had

1:09:37

nauseated me for those few days.

1:09:40

Most likely, it was the ghoulish menu

1:09:43

of Closer to Heaven that eventually took

1:09:45

its toll. I

1:09:47

suppose I may never know. One

1:09:50

thing that I do know is that

1:09:52

for one brief, shining moment, I

1:09:54

stood before greatness. Billy

1:09:57

Twang has now passed into history.

1:10:00

and with him the next big thing. We'll

1:10:03

never see the likes of them again. However,

1:10:07

with plates such as shrimp and

1:10:09

peanut butter casserole, it's

1:10:11

probably for the best. Sherbert

1:10:14

Spooner. And

1:10:30

that was The Dark Deal of

1:10:33

Billy Tling by P.D. Williams. A

1:10:50

good reminder that every bill eventually comes

1:10:52

due. Whether you've made a

1:10:54

deal with the devil, or you found yourself in

1:10:56

the wrong hole. Enjoy the moment. Because

1:10:59

there's gonna be hell to pay. A

1:11:02

little about the author. P.D. Williams

1:11:04

is a writer of music, short horror fiction,

1:11:06

and comedy. Several

1:11:08

podcasts, ezines, and anthologies have featured

1:11:11

his work. His first

1:11:13

collection of short horror fiction, Dark House,

1:11:15

Many Rooms, and the

1:11:17

popular comedy series, Straight Outta Clackston, The

1:11:19

Craig and Lorna Series, Books 1-3, are

1:11:21

available on Amazon, Audible,

1:11:24

iTunes, and Goodreads.

1:11:27

For discount codes, contact

1:11:29

the author at pdwilliamsauthor.com,

1:11:32

or through his Facebook page, P.D.

1:11:35

Williams Horror Writer. Or heck,

1:11:37

just drop him a line to let him

1:11:39

know you care. He's lonely, so he'll appreciate

1:11:42

the company. Thanks, P.D. And

1:11:45

do old Drew Blood a favor, would you?

1:11:47

Subscribe to his podcast wherever you do your

1:11:49

listening and leave him a five-star review and

1:11:51

a kind word, even if you're listening on

1:11:53

YouTube. He needs soldiers

1:11:55

and all the fronts to win this battle,

1:11:57

and he appreciates it. premium

1:12:00

ad-free edition of the nights and

1:12:02

all the other episodes, visit simplyscarypodcast.com

1:12:05

today and click patrons in the

1:12:07

upper menu. You'll find

1:12:09

yourself at chillingtalesfordarkknights.com where you can become

1:12:11

a patron for as little as $5

1:12:14

per month and get

1:12:16

access to their entire audio archive,

1:12:18

all ad-free and available to download

1:12:20

or stream. Thank you for

1:12:23

your time and for supporting our sponsors. When

1:12:25

you support our sponsors, you support this show.

1:12:28

If you happen to use Facebook, Twitter,

1:12:30

Instagram, or YouTube, you can follow and

1:12:32

subscribe to ChillingTalesForDarkKnights there where you'll get

1:12:34

all the latest updates and new releases

1:12:36

and have the chance to interact with

1:12:39

them each and every week. Oh,

1:12:41

and you can find Drew Blood on

1:12:43

Facebook and Instagram and sometimes Twitter. The

1:12:46

Drew Bloods DarkTales podcast is accepting

1:12:49

submissions, friend. If you've got a

1:12:51

story or two you'd like to

1:12:53

be featured on the show, send

1:12:55

it to drewbloodhaueratgmail.com. If selected,

1:12:57

you'll get the full treatment, 10 bananas.

1:13:00

Well, I'm afraid this is where

1:13:02

we part ways, at

1:13:11

least till next week. So

1:13:14

grab a drink for the road and scat. I

1:13:16

wasn't even supposed to work today. May

1:13:19

the wind be at your back and may the

1:13:22

road rise up to meet you. May

1:13:24

you live to be 100 years with

1:13:27

one extra year to repent and

1:13:29

another to go fuck yourself. Ha

1:13:32

ha ha. Good night,

1:13:34

y'all. Bye.

1:14:08

Angie has made it easier than ever to

1:14:10

connect with skilled professionals to get all your

1:14:12

jobs and projects done well. If you own

1:14:15

a home, you know how much work it

1:14:17

can take, whether it's everyday

1:14:19

maintenance and repairs or making dream

1:14:21

projects a reality.