0:00

If I were to marry Zach, I

0:02

think his best qualities are that he's a good

0:04

listener. I think he can always make people laugh.

0:07

You are extremely loyal to the ones you

0:09

love. I think

0:11

you are, contrary to belief, very respectful. I

0:14

think sometimes people, and I really don't like

0:16

when people do this online, they just get

0:18

a, you have a bad rap. And like

0:20

when people hate you, they're like, yeah, Zach's

0:22

just a piece of shit. Like, he's actually

0:25

really nice. What about me? Do

0:27

you think I'd be a good wife? Why

0:30

are you dressed like that? That

0:32

you're not a little drunk. You don't drink. I

0:35

started picking up drinking recently because you do it and

0:37

I want to be more like yummy. Why

0:39

are you dressed like that? What's up guys?

0:41

Welcome to episode 80 of The Prop House.

0:43

Are you going to answer why you're dressed like

0:45

that? It's a family business. My

0:49

dad was, and my uncle and my dad,

0:51

grandfather all drink the beer, so I'm going

0:53

to start doing it just like my family

0:55

wanted me to. I'm into that. Why

0:57

are you dressed like that? Try and press.

1:00

Dress and impress, huh? Why is this such a

1:02

big deal to you? Huh? Because

1:05

it's weird. Why is it so weird that I want to look good

1:07

for once? You're a whore. For

1:09

once. You're a whore. Everybody

1:12

knows it. But me? I'm

1:16

nothing but a beautiful man. Dude,

1:19

the drama with you is insane.

1:22

Did that hurt? Hit that intro music. Did that

1:24

hurt? Brother, I think I accidentally bought a real one.

1:34

He was so excited about it. I was so excited I bought that. For

1:37

our audio listeners... You're going to start buying those on

1:39

the regular. Oh, 100%. For

1:41

our audio listeners, I just busted

1:43

a stone cold glass of beer

1:45

right on my head for content.

1:48

And you're welcome. Did you think when I hit my

1:50

head that I actually hurt myself? I

1:53

was hoping for it. Oh, okay. And you'd be

1:55

like, Zach, don't! And then you'd maybe jump in the

1:57

way of the... No. Of any

1:59

of those. It's all in your hair.

2:01

It's little shards everywhere. But is it kind

2:03

of like beautiful little crystals? It

2:05

kind of just looks like you have lice. Lice.

2:08

That's exactly what I didn't want it to do. Do

2:11

we already hit the intro music? Yeah. Are we sure? Because

2:13

I don't feel like I didn't even hear it. You heard

2:15

it. Oh, brother. Welcome to Drop It.

2:17

Isn't that fun? So much is happening. When someone

2:19

cares so much about their job that they show

2:21

up and they,

2:24

gosh. Your

2:27

mic is falling flaccid. What do we

2:30

call this? Limp dick. No, no,

2:32

no. Whiskey dick. Whiskey dick. Sad

2:34

mic. We called it sad mic back in the day. Hold on.

2:36

Actually, give me a second. It looks

2:38

like you don't know how to work your fingers. Well,

2:41

back to, I mean. Check's out. Check's out.

2:44

She knows what. One time. What do

2:46

you know? What? What did you think I was going to

2:48

say? One time I fingered you. Don't be disgusting. We

2:50

know what happened more than once. Hold on. I got to

2:53

put this thing. Stop telling people

2:55

that. This goes

2:57

out to thousands of people that already think. Can you

2:59

guys talk to each other for a second? I'm on. I didn't know we

3:01

were supposed to. This is my D-Day. Can I figure this out? She's been

3:03

coughing a lot. I really don't want to talk to her if she

3:05

can get sick. Last night, he was like, why are

3:07

you coughing all the time? And I'm like, I have

3:10

asthma. And I'm always really scared

3:12

because I'm a hypochondriac of people being sick around

3:14

me. So he's like, you cough like a lot for

3:16

someone who's so scared of people getting sick. But

3:18

it's like, I'm not sick. The cough hate goes

3:20

one way with you. You

3:24

attack. I cover my mouth. I

3:27

wish you wouldn't. I don't open mouth cough like a

3:29

child. Like, ugh. You

3:31

know what I'm talking about? Well, I don't know if that was a cough.

3:36

There we go. You good, buddy? Well, I'm going

3:38

to drop out. OK, I do have to

3:40

say something. Is this creepy if I went up

3:42

to a woman? And I was like, I

3:45

want to use all my five senses with you. Immediately,

3:47

yes. Immediately. Creepy or immediately? Like, I'm in.

3:49

Immediately creepy. OK. I was into it. Maybe

3:51

it's a guy thing. I'm walking

3:53

to a bar. I just smash myself in the head. People are

3:55

very scared. I want to use all my five senses

3:57

with you. Heart-ish. There

4:00

are a my heart the ah yes I'm in

4:02

all the way I've ever use your files. this

4:04

is the someone at all. But is

4:06

that such small taste? As here

4:08

listening the final do that he and

4:11

my that us he definitely doesn't taste

4:13

is that was the simplicity part is

4:15

if you. Went. Up such

4:17

tastes. Hearing. Smell smell was

4:20

only measure when I did have some

4:22

of our him no I didn't know.

4:24

it hurts taste. Smell. List

4:26

of hero Listen A hearing

4:29

so early thirties now at

4:31

Brothers Vision. Yeah, Dazzling Ellison

4:33

some too busy at them. And

4:35

too busy talk in everybody's interest.

4:37

Speaking of listening, If. You guys

4:39

don't join a pigeon on puts him in a mouth. Right

4:41

now I'm pretty new forever are. Also

4:44

our doing a segment where ah on!

4:46

So for the pacing we do after

4:48

school specials you twenty thirty minutes vector

4:51

footage of his podcast. He also gets.

4:53

Park. As early but a one little secret

4:55

thing we can do on after school special

4:58

this week is Tar and I are gonna

5:00

viciously make love and then organ or view

5:02

it So we're not gonna put down camera

5:04

but we're going to go upstairs to make

5:06

dancers review it. And. Then she's

5:08

gonna go to Scholars and then Jarrod.

5:11

On. His can be back soon. He's doing a movie and

5:13

she right now I don't have lists of the list was

5:15

doing lesbian or you're more than welcome. And.

5:18

Then are or directing says and puffers that

5:20

sounds as want to patriarch in the description.

5:22

It could be the first comments on this

5:24

video. Who is into this? Is it Around

5:26

Robin has I'm not consent to any of

5:28

us ever were drawn across why we eat

5:30

after being ever done Now did oh we're

5:32

talking at this point out you don't. Even

5:35

know his spiel are your mouth? You know

5:37

that? Puts. It was were given a mere. I

5:40

think wow there does. Not.

5:42

You brother, I look enemy I

5:44

was saying you're describing herself. And.

5:47

Then I so it's like were given a mere. As too

5:49

busy thinking about your your stupid stealing. You'll

5:51

never be. My reflection is like your

5:53

mommy. Mommy

5:55

or is Sarah back and me them

5:57

The amount of people in this house.

6:00

Who's and appearances you've changed because you said

6:03

you find it attractive is alarming Scholars a

6:05

mustache now? Yeah, he said I would love

6:07

to ride that mustache. Yes, an engineer it

6:09

has imola. Let because he has done a

6:12

mustache for me because she wanted to grab

6:14

onto the mullet when she was pegging him.

6:16

Yes, no, do I just that's what you

6:18

say out loud. I will say I

6:20

feel like it's happened and this isn't likely

6:23

class. And to my own horn. Okay, there's so many different

6:25

ways to pat myself on the back. Sets that.

6:28

I've like he's the guy, the parents and I'm

6:30

like that aren't you change assess, assess and. Use

6:32

a girl mullet? Yeah, and they muted.

6:34

You know there's only one down as

6:37

badass. One person's Marcus was unchanged for

6:39

you. I beg to differ. Would have

6:41

I done? Un p my circle

6:43

it. Know. I did Okay

6:45

actually the reason I have a seat on his. I.

6:48

Had to do have a video sued for

6:50

David Alvarez we're doing I'm. Dating.

6:53

Based on downsize the outfits. And.

6:56

I went to my local tux guy

6:58

most vocal soup guys and ago new

7:00

suit lessons at one hundred bucks. Ah, it's

7:02

rent for the day and I go

7:04

in this time. And. As a chance

7:06

to the seems to have i don't know the

7:08

shoe tomorrow and he said he measures me up

7:11

He touches my mac it's beautiful things. That.

7:14

We spend some time in there so I

7:16

can't say no with and once as he

7:18

the price tags he charge me for some

7:20

fifty five hundred dollars to rent a suit.

7:22

You can also call in your your suit

7:24

die if he's banging your sister has been

7:26

a mirror. Cents on the price years ago

7:28

is. Not. A great rec rent

7:30

lesser. With trusted. A.

7:33

Solid me to really trust him. Because.

7:35

At first. Didn't. Say years ago?

7:37

Rebel two hundred something. And. That

7:39

even after another oh in the we need to

7:41

register and always it was sent out a black

7:43

shirt to it just have to force sd and

7:46

it's a rental. Oh alleges as I do for

7:48

the night most nights first it is your way

7:50

in forfeit his the same rate as credit is.

7:53

All. I was was very of abortion. Know it

7:55

is your choice to get a suit every

7:57

time. Oh so Abraham Assassin.

8:00

I don't wear a suit. What do you

8:02

mean? Like, you don't have to wear a suit to these videos.

8:04

So you're blaming a man for something. But you choose

8:06

good for you. That's not very 1950s of you, Alyssa.

8:08

No, I loved it. Not at all. I loved every

8:10

second of it. Good job, Alyssa. Good job, Alyssa. I

8:12

think I might have bought it, because there's tags on

8:14

it. Did you buy it? I think that's the problem. Yeah,

8:16

I think I own this now. Yeah, because for, OK, for

8:18

$50, that's fine. You could own a pink suit. But are

8:20

you ever going to wear it again? It looks nice, only

8:22

to be honest. Thank you. Can

8:25

you wear it to my one-mill party? When I hit a

8:27

million on YouTube, I plan on throwing a really big party. I thought you

8:29

were talking about how many guys have been in you. I was like, wow.

8:31

I figured you would pass it a long time ago. But

8:33

it's a YouTube thing. Cool. Really cool.

8:36

You're on one today. Thank

8:38

you. Don't wink at me. That's what I do. It's

8:40

one of the things I do for fun. Oh,

8:42

can I talk about something that happened last night? Let it

8:44

rip. Do you know

8:46

why the intelligence of

8:49

this room goes down when you walk in? Because I

8:51

make fart jokes. Oh, you

8:53

were laughing because it was a fart joke? Yeah, because you said, let

8:55

it rip. Oh, I didn't hear

8:57

that part. I thought you were laughing. No, I went. I

9:00

thought the mic just went out first. No, I fart. No,

9:02

I get it. You don't run it back? We'll run it back. From

9:05

the top. Something,

9:07

and then let it rip. Let

9:10

it rip. Good one. Oh, my gosh. I

9:12

thought you'd think of it. It just came to

9:14

me. Yeah, usually it's on you. OK, listen. Last

9:17

night, I did stand-up comedy. I was out there

9:19

with a microphone in my hand. And

9:22

it was my first time doing it at

9:24

the comedy store. I was very, very excited

9:26

because this is Places Built Legends.

9:28

If you don't know about the comedy store, it's the

9:30

place to do comedy. And I get

9:32

there, and I figure it's going to be a lot of

9:34

people working on stuff. I'm in my

9:37

friend's show. That's how you explained it to me. Yeah,

9:39

yeah, yeah. I thought it was just everybody's going up

9:41

there testing out some material. Super chill. Yeah, yeah. I

9:43

was either I was supposed to go on second of

9:47

the night, which is where the newer comics go up.

9:50

Instead, a gentleman walks in,

9:52

bald, by the name of Bill Burr. And

9:55

he asks if he can do a quick 20. And

9:58

when I say that man, Tommy Gullen. the

10:00

room. It's Bill Burr. Exactly. I

10:02

shit myself. I'm in the green room and then

10:04

Bill Burr just walks in and he says, eh,

10:06

I think I'm gonna do a quick 20. And

10:09

I'm like, yeah, of course. And of course he's gonna go in

10:11

front of me. I have no merit to be like, no,

10:14

unless I go champ. So

10:16

he goes and absolutely steals the

10:18

giggles from everyone's souls. And

10:20

then I'm waiting longer. And

10:23

I was like, okay, I have to follow this. And

10:26

then another comic jumps up there

10:28

and decides, he comes up to me. Hey,

10:30

do you mind? I gotta go somewhere. Do you mind if I get a quick 10

10:32

in a Kameil? Nausea?

10:34

Nausea? Nausea? famous?

10:36

Even Marvel stuff? Silicon

10:38

Valley? Silicon Valley? Very funny.

10:41

Very funny. Like when Bill Burr came up, I

10:43

leaned over to buzz him. I was like, he's

10:45

so fucked. Yeah. Skye really whispered

10:47

in my ears, like, that's fucked. Do you know

10:49

what it's like? Like reading over your notes and

10:52

then just hearing an avalanche

10:54

of laughter. I shit my pants for you. I was

10:56

so like, Oh, this is a nightmare

10:58

situation. What would you think if you had to do it? It's

11:00

your first time at the comedy store very

11:02

early in the stand up and maybe the best stand up

11:05

on the planet. How would I have done it? It goes.

11:07

Yeah. Hey guys, I gotta go. I mean sickness. Yeah,

11:10

that's what I would have done. Yeah. My mom.

11:12

You're so brave. Easily. I would've been like, sorry.

11:14

I just threw up. Like I have a flu.

11:16

Like I would have lied because when I saw

11:18

Bill burgo up and he leaned over and said, he's fucked.

11:21

I'm like, Oh my God.

11:23

And I kept, I felt so bad for you. I kept

11:25

looking back and you were like literally religiously like scrolling on

11:27

your phone, like reading your notes over and over again. Like

11:29

I saw panic in your eyes. I didn't know what

11:31

bit I wanted to do. So I was like reviewing

11:33

cause I was like, all right, that was funnier than

11:36

anything. This would ever be. Oh, let's try this one

11:38

out. And I went up there. I wouldn't

11:40

say I bombed, but I think you did

11:42

amazing. I think it's unfair that you went after Bill

11:44

Burr. I think it's perfectly fair. It's

11:46

hilarious. The funniest joke I told all

11:49

night was Bill Burr

11:51

went in front of me and to think

11:53

I could even hold a candle is

11:55

hilarious. I don't think you bombed, but I also think

11:57

like, Oh wait, sorry. Okay,

12:00

just say she's the one who said it heritage.

12:02

It's sorry. It's her heritage. She can say it.

12:04

Um, anyways, I Don't

12:07

you can say it? Yeah, I don't think

12:09

you bombed. I just be word. There's room

12:11

to grow obviously. Oh, yeah Oh, yeah.

12:13

Yeah, I knew it's not like the most

12:15

the best thing I've ever heard you say, but it

12:17

was like I laughed I also

12:19

I love nothing. I lost really loud. Yeah,

12:21

I'm not saying it just keeps going like it's

12:25

Would you rather be good I read Okay,

12:28

just say gasps up get to with

12:30

your booty hole stuff It's got a

12:32

thing like I mean, yes, could

12:34

I have read the encyclopedia out loud and it probably

12:37

would have been funnier Yes. Well that

12:39

actually would have been funnier if she would have done it because of

12:41

all of her impediments. Oh, yeah Yeah,

12:43

can you say neighborhood? No, wait,

12:45

this is new to me. She has

12:47

a speech She has several speech impediments,

12:49

but I've never heard anything. I'm very

12:52

specific words Mmm, I I've

12:54

seen some panels. There it is and I

12:56

went to classes for it I didn't set my art. Okay,

12:59

and I got you. I did my R's

13:01

and W's like, okay neighborhood Okay,

13:04

let's all okay. I'll see you see

13:06

neighborhood neighborhood. I'll try it neighborhood neighborhood.

13:08

Okay, let's see. What about listen?

13:10

It's good It's

13:15

just you're as tall as a toddler

13:18

and you speak like like one and

13:20

it's really cool. I think

13:22

it's cool I think it's cool. Do

13:24

what if Alyssa is like nine and we didn't

13:26

know it. That's actually kind of I

13:29

would put myself in the court. Yeah. Yeah

13:31

the things that we've thought about doing done

13:34

you come to me this How was

13:36

it? I but I go? Oh, hey, okay

13:39

a Go

13:43

back that's true. I didn't mean to say

13:45

I didn't want to say that it wasn't funny I

13:47

last night thought it was very funny. I just know

13:50

that I didn't think it was so much I

13:52

I just know you'll be so much like better

13:55

if I didn't if I was better I

13:57

get it all in the future because you would practice more

13:59

you'll have more like experiences.

14:02

I almost called you out on stage. You should

14:04

you should call I was you should have called us out because

14:06

no one knows where your friends and we would have played along.

14:08

Yeah, I was like waiting for it to be honest. I almost brought up.

14:11

But I didn't. You can you

14:13

can keep panic. Wait, what that

14:15

out? Wait, no, we've already included that

14:18

before. No, no, it's been believed. But

14:20

no, you can definitely include that. I don't if it's

14:22

in for a crowd like I don't care about that.

14:25

I didn't know I didn't want to just out you for

14:27

you know, you being for everybody.

14:29

Cut that Jared. That's the

14:31

one that stays in everything. Oh, wow. Oh, do

14:33

you want to talk about what happened yesterday

14:36

when we were trying to clean out the

14:38

garage? We might have new friends. I don't

14:40

know. And this is not pushing you out.

14:43

But we met how do I say this

14:45

in a way that doesn't look like I'm

14:47

being derogatory? crackhead. We met a crackhead yesterday.

14:50

When locally locally. Yeah, specifically

14:52

outside of our house. And

14:54

she comes up very much strung

14:57

out. Well, hold on. You know, for a

14:59

fact. No, yes. But she

15:01

was caring. We hope you some of the 10 for what

15:04

to make half. I'm sure it's craft night. We

15:06

are leaving. We even clean out the garage. You

15:09

saw? No, but you know what 10 for all is used

15:11

for is you wrap it around tags

15:13

in the grocery store. So it doesn't beep when you

15:15

not the grocery store like yeah, department stores. So it

15:17

doesn't beep as you're stealing stuff when you leave.

15:19

How'd you know that criminal minds? I think

15:21

you stole my heart. Oh, my girl.

15:24

Yeah, she put people around that price

15:26

tag. Yeah. Last night, my friend thought you

15:28

guys were dating. They know they set by each

15:30

other. And they were I said no. Oh, you

15:32

said yes. Why not? Why? You guys are hooking

15:34

on. What's the difference? Yeah, we're not what? Oh,

15:37

he's more out there. Cut that you're heard. Uh, we have

15:39

to talk about the other thing too. Because I that is

15:41

why I have to ask gets Tara's Tara's opinion on that.

15:44

But back to the to the crackhead story, we have been

15:46

cleaned out the garage because we want to turn it into like

15:48

a pool situation. Irish

15:50

pub. You guys are putting a swimming pool in

15:52

the garage pool table. Oh, no,

15:55

honey. No, wait, wait,

15:57

were you those serious? For

16:00

one second. I was like, is it

16:03

a kiddie pool or like a hot

16:06

tub? You

16:08

care if I go I got a natural selection

16:10

would make its way back to the United States

16:12

I take some of these people out so but the garage was

16:14

a mess. There was a ton of shit in there There was

16:17

an old couch and the legs are broken

16:19

on it. Can't even it's like it's tilted

16:21

like this They're like

16:23

Tars legs after a long weekend. Just very

16:25

very ran through walking weird now, you know,

16:28

really hanging on I didn't say that I

16:30

didn't think that either So

16:34

we put a bunch of shit outside that we were gonna get

16:36

rid of like give away whatever the couch is out there We

16:38

were gonna try and fix the legs and then give it away

16:40

free. We were means that came back

16:42

from lunch yesterday and This

16:45

woman walked by I didn't see the tinfoil. I

16:47

saw a Home Depot bucket filled with foam filled with foam

16:49

So we don't know what that was being used for but

16:52

again, I didn't have my glasses on so from far away

16:54

I couldn't depict that she was on drugs, but she was

16:56

like talk. She's like is this cow? What's the deal with

16:58

this cow? Yeah, we're gonna give

17:00

it away and then guys like you want it and

17:03

she's like, yeah Yeah, I'll take

17:05

it. She's like you guys know what the local

17:07

park is Verbatim and we're

17:09

like maybe she's like,

17:11

yeah, it's wrong gonna take it and I was

17:13

like cool But I was like, are you sure you want

17:15

it? The legs are broken and she's like, you know

17:17

She looks at me like in the dumbest person in the

17:20

world. She goes I don't care. I'm

17:22

homeless Like I'm stupid.

17:24

I'm like, yeah that checks out. She's like I'll sleep in

17:26

the V Like like she'll set the

17:28

couch up like this and sleep in the V in the

17:30

hot dog in a bun And

17:33

then I did invite her back because she I didn't

17:35

want she was like she was like, yeah, I'll take

17:37

the couch I was like, okay. Well, I mean, I don't know how you're gonna Move

17:40

it. It's just you and she was like and

17:43

I didn't want us to have to like drive it down to the park

17:45

and litter We're

17:47

throwing a couch in a park. No, you're right. I

17:50

feel like that's not a smart move Yeah, I

17:52

wouldn't have thought of that and I didn't want to do that. Oh, I

17:54

was like, we're gonna get his couch out there for I

17:57

was like, so you're gonna have to bring you're gonna have to bring

17:59

someone back She's yeah, I'll bring someone back. I'll be back

18:01

in a little bit never came back. She got lost She did

18:03

get lost. She got lost. She kept on asking us where the

18:07

Wells Fargo was I Maybe

18:09

I don't know what for but she's like have I passed

18:11

it and we were like, we don't know She's

18:13

like, I think I passed it. But you

18:15

know, she was like I'll come back in like an hour with some

18:18

people She said how

18:20

do I get in and we're like, uh,

18:22

just get into what your house? Yeah She's

18:26

like Yeah, how do I get

18:28

it and then we're like, oh just like ring the doorbell she's like, well,

18:30

what's the gate? Like

18:32

uh-huh. I thought Skye was gonna give it to her That

18:36

point lady. I really hope she finds a couch.

18:38

I hope she takes our couch still. Yeah, I'm you

18:40

can have it exactly There's a bunch of shit out there

18:42

that could take I just love it. She called me idiot.

18:44

She's like, I'm homeless I'm gonna be

18:46

okay. I'm right. Yes, ma'am. I apologize for even

18:48

she had a black eye too. That made me

18:50

sad Yeah, that part made me sad, but

18:53

we were very kind to her. Yeah So

18:55

no swimming pool in the garage Clear

18:58

there's a swimming pool in the backyard. Yeah, but

19:00

Zach doesn't let me in it. He says no such allowed No,

19:02

no, no, it's just the last time you got in

19:04

it You entire

19:07

pool change colors. I just thought that was a little

19:09

gross Yeah, you have a

19:11

good like office deadpan face like someone

19:13

pansy your like like the gym smile.

19:15

Oh my god, really? Yeah, thanks. I

19:18

think it's the first time Skye has ever confounded me Oh

19:20

boy, he does though when you're not around he gets

19:22

a little nervous when you're in person be super nervous

19:24

Yeah My

19:26

head Oh,

19:30

I have a question I have an answer, okay

19:32

Let's say we lived in the same house and

19:35

me and you shared a bathroom. We're not a relationship. We share

19:37

a bathroom I love how you have to make that clear Just

19:40

set the table. Yeah, yeah, hypothetically hypothetically. What

19:42

would you if you go to his restroom?

19:44

Would you lock the door? No, would

19:47

you would you think that if

19:49

the doors closed that it's being used?

19:51

Yeah Okay,

19:54

there's odds are they on there You

19:58

guys are an axis side aren't you? We're

20:00

out actually happened. Yeah happen when you who walked

20:02

in on who I walked in on her you

20:04

were peeing or pooing I don't know I got

20:06

out of there fast Like

20:16

we like on the toilet

20:18

like on the toilet yeah, this is what

20:20

dude, but it was kind of strange because I don't

20:23

know You can tell all right. She was like

20:26

sitting on the side of it the toilet No,

20:29

but caddy cornered a little bit showing

20:31

showing the full bird I think

20:34

so Sky would walk in and see the

20:36

muffin Even home

20:38

you don't think he told me everything and

20:40

excruciating detail he drew it from memory. Yeah,

20:43

he created a comic strip I had to follow it and then I

20:45

know Three

20:51

two not you guys talked about it after Well,

20:54

I walked in right through his room right now

20:57

She knocked on my front if you knock yeah,

20:59

I'm a knock you go. Thanks for knocking I

21:04

just think it's a little and lock the door to the bathroom Have

21:06

you seen that episode of friends where one of them walks in the

21:08

other one? Naked and so now they're trying to get each other back

21:10

and be like now I have to see you naked just to even

21:12

the playing field You got to

21:14

do that no because the doors always locked when I use

21:16

the restroom It's smart when he's just not being a general

21:18

black boy your room doesn't have a lock I'm

21:21

clothed in there always. Yeah for

21:23

the most look. I'm always naked. Yeah, I'm

21:26

actually making boxers, but Never

21:28

dick out you to be flashed everyone last night. Okay.

21:30

No, I didn't I Almost

21:33

did the whole room caught a whiff.

21:35

Yeah. Yeah of my boobs under boob.

21:37

Yep. You're destroyed ariola Okay,

21:39

that's offensive cuz you know about the piercing scars

21:47

We didn't meet that class You'll

21:50

have scars right why'd your

21:52

voice go up to octaves right because we've all seen

21:55

them Alyssa song Alyssa, I

21:57

will say Alyssa has seen them, but no one else has

21:59

seen them I don't like to lie on camera. Dude,

22:01

people already think that we're shmangin'

22:05

and we're not. But you aren't? Anymore, no.

22:07

No! We cut it off. We never are.

22:09

What happened? Dude, okay. Dude, stop! We're

22:11

having a conversation. This is getting close. Okay,

22:13

another night. She had to beaver out. It's to the

22:16

point where my cousins are texting me. She had old

22:18

people do. My manager texted me. What'd your manager say?

22:20

This is great for, um, this is great for your

22:22

social. No. She was like, are-

22:24

This is terrible. No, she was like, are you and

22:26

Zach together? And she would, she'd face him and she'd be

22:28

like, don't lie to me. I'm literally not lying. What

22:31

do you want to be? Alyssa, I'm pretty hungry. What

22:33

about you? Me too. What do you want

22:35

to eat? I have no idea. That's

22:37

what I would say without Every

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23:30

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24:09

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what if I told you that there is

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So you're telling me I can see all my subscriptions

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24:40

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24:43

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25:38

It's the 21st century.

25:41

If you don't have a website by now, buddy,

25:44

what are you doing? Okay, get yourself

25:46

a website. You can use it for

25:48

anything. You can use it for a

25:50

job resume. If you're a photographer, you

25:52

can put up your portfolio on there.

25:54

You can use it to sell merch

25:57

and other e-commerce products. Okay, they have

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an all-in-one platform. that takes care of

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all of the e-commerce sales for you. You can

26:03

start a blog and talk about your ex.

26:05

Okay, that's getting a little personal, Alyssa. But yeah, if

26:07

you want to, sure, you can date a guy and

26:10

then you can start a blog and talk about all

26:12

your problems on there with them and people are going

26:14

to eat that shit up. Okay, they're going to love

26:16

it. And the blog is going

26:18

to look amazing with Squarespace. And you know

26:21

why? Your blog, portfolio, resume is

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26:29

you can make a beautiful award-winning,

26:31

maybe job-securing, you know, whatever website

26:34

without even knowing how to code? That's exactly what I'm

26:36

saying. Okay, so say I wanted to start

26:38

making my website and I wanted to save a

26:40

little bit of cash when I started. Where would

26:42

I go for that? Well, Jared, I'm

26:45

just the thing. You can head to

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squarespace.com for a free trial. And when

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you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com/dropouts

26:51

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all I have to do to get a beautiful

26:58

website is go to squarespace.com for a free trial.

27:00

And then when I'm ready to launch, go to

27:02

squarespace.com/dropouts and I get 10% off. Exactly.

27:05

What else can I say but thank you,

27:07

Squarespace. Go get yourself a website. What are

27:09

my best qualities? Like if

27:12

you were to marry me, why would

27:14

you do it? And you had to be

27:16

honest, please don't bid around for this part. Can you

27:18

just be genuine? Yeah, I'll be genuine. If I were

27:20

to marry... I don't even want to say it.

27:22

If I were to marry Zach, don't

27:25

wink at me, bro. I hate it.

27:27

That's the leading clue. I blink

27:30

in one eye for efficiency so I can always see

27:32

you. And now I just

27:34

do that one. See? Oh, you're better at winking with that eye. Oh yeah, yeah,

27:36

this is my bad side. And be stick to it. Yeah, I

27:38

would if I didn't do that bit. Okay, go ahead.

27:40

I think Zach's best qualities are... He's

27:43

a good listener. As a husband. You're

27:47

not my husband though. He says a lover at

27:49

least. No. But it's a ground one. Because it's

27:51

gonna get clipped. Okay, and listen. Who are we

27:53

to... We're not gonna clip it. We're not gonna

27:55

clip it. But I know. We're

27:58

Lakers fans in LA. I'm a Lakers fan. Yeah,

28:00

so we're not gonna clip them Those

28:03

are dual stadium jokes clippers. I

28:05

think if Zach were to be a husband to me

28:08

I think his best qualities are that he's a good

28:10

listener. I think he can

28:12

always make people laugh I see in

28:14

the terminal Leo. Okay,

28:16

I think Hospital

28:18

gigs What

28:21

the deal with all this hospital food, huh? You

28:23

think if I'm dying I get to get some

28:25

more pudding Maybe you should have done that on

28:27

stage last night. Maybe it's gotten more laughs. Oh,

28:30

I got zero here so I think You

28:33

are extremely loyal to the ones

28:35

you love. Yeah, I think

28:37

you are Contrary to

28:40

belief very respectful. Oh Yeah,

28:43

very very he always that he always gets to

28:45

consider. I know it's not even that I do think I

28:47

think Sometimes people and I really don't like

28:49

when people do this online. They just get a you got

28:51

but you have a bad rap You know what I mean?

28:53

You're like people either love or hate you and like when

28:55

people hate you they're like Yeah, Zach's just a piece of

28:58

shit like he's actually really nice That's

29:00

me writing those comments. I creep

29:02

burners accounts for myself. Just so when

29:04

I do it, I have something to blame What about me? What

29:06

do you think I do you need to be a good wife? Yeah,

29:10

I do for several

29:12

reasons Number one your

29:14

smile is out of

29:16

this world number two, but those aren't

29:19

wife features Stop

29:21

pointing at my boobs. It's such a big heart.

29:23

Oh my heart. I'm sorry You

29:26

pump so much blood into that little body of yours

29:28

that you'll probably be alive for so long and since

29:30

I like hanging out with you so much it'd be

29:32

beautiful to spend a long life together I Wasn't

29:37

doing a bit Not either.

29:40

I was so honest god

29:42

forbid. I'm honest warming. It takes

29:44

a little bit longer with yours That

29:47

wasn't that I know that sounded name, but that wasn't meant

29:49

to be me. Okay, you know what? Zach's

29:51

annoying. He's off-putting people don't like him

29:53

cuz he's rude back all

29:55

life All

29:58

big lies. Can you just say one? Nice thing

30:00

about me? Tora? I think you're-

30:03

Are you doing a Barack Obama impression?

30:05

I think I might have ran into

30:07

it. Um, no, no, no, you're- I

30:09

love how sweet you are. That

30:12

seemed funny. I would say she's very empathetic. Thank

30:14

you. You keep stealing those words right out of

30:16

my mouth. Um, let's move on. Bro!

30:19

What bro? Empaticism. That

30:21

was mean. I just sat here and poured my heart

30:23

out and told you I think you'd be a great husband to whoever

30:25

a lucky girl out there is. Don't

30:28

wear jewelry with your initials. Oh, and someone buys you

30:30

a piece of jewelry and you don't even wear it.

30:32

I'm not wearing a necklace today at all. Oh, but

30:34

you have another necklace for it. Thank you for catching

30:36

us up. Zach, you have another necklace for? Hold on,

30:38

you guys yap. Yeah, okay. I'm

30:40

wearing my initials because I think it's cute. It says T-Y on

30:42

my rings, like for Tara Yummy. Yeah, that's cute. What,

30:44

individual like one says T, one says- Yeah, this

30:46

is T. I can't even see it. Skylar,

30:49

I feel like if we were left in a room alone, we would have

30:51

nothing to talk about. I think it

30:53

starts slow, but I think we'd get into it. You think so? Yeah,

30:55

we'd just have to like break the ice a little bit. Mm. Yeah.

30:58

Last night when we were out, I found out

31:00

how Southern he actually is.

31:02

Why? What did I do last night? Nothing.

31:05

It was really loud at the restaurant we were out because there was like

31:08

a lot of music and he was like, ma'am, ma'am,

31:10

ma'am. And it just made me laugh because I feel

31:12

like if I was trying to get like a service, it was

31:14

like, um, excuse me, miss. You're like,

31:16

ma'am, ma'am. Excuse me, ma'am? No,

31:19

you were just like, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. And

31:21

you're freaking Georgian accent. I think ma'am

31:23

is nice. No, it is nice. You weren't

31:25

being rude. You're so Southern. And I don't realize that

31:28

until like I spend a couple of minutes with you.

31:30

I'm like, oh yeah, you're from Georgia.

31:33

I am. Yeah. God's.

31:36

Why do you keep buying me jewelry if I'm not going to wear it? Okay.

31:38

I feel like he's going to propose. He's like in this

31:40

weird suit. Don't mount her like that. Are you

31:43

close to me? I don't like this. Oh, my. Oh,

31:45

dude. That hurt. How sweet

31:48

is that? Bro, it's a Z for Zach. Oh,

31:50

my. Oh, my. Oh, my.

31:52

Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh,

31:55

my. I already got to get back.

31:57

No. For zesty time when we hang out.

31:59

Get this. ship. There's zebras.

32:02

Zebras? I have a question. Is

32:04

this real? Can I go pawn it? No.

32:07

I don't think so. You just told me not

32:09

to wear my own initials and I just know this is

32:12

yours and you wear... this is actually kind of

32:14

nice. Thank you. If you turn it this way it's like an

32:16

N for no thank you. Speaking of live shows

32:18

I meant to tell the

32:20

audiences, look at me the audience. I want to do

32:22

more podcast live shows so but we don't know where

32:24

to do it okay. This is what

32:26

I want you to do. I want you to comment,

32:29

hey this city this state and then if you see

32:31

your city and state someone else commented you like it

32:33

so we can see which ones we should go to

32:35

the most. Do you understand? Can I give you a

32:37

piece of advice? No. Yes. You

32:40

guys have analytics so why don't you just look in the back

32:42

end of it. I trust them more. I like the like thing

32:44

because but because it's like hey if it was there I would

32:46

go there. Like. You know what I mean?

32:48

Yeah got it. Do you have a place you would prefer

32:50

to go? If we could just come over

32:53

here I'd really appreciate it. Yeah. Right here in

32:55

your living room. I did like New York a lot that was fun. New

32:57

York was fun. When I did stand up in New

32:59

York it bombed. Why do you think

33:01

that is? I don't know New York and

33:04

DC were my worst shows I ever had. When I

33:06

think about it I think about it almost every night

33:08

and cry. I'm not kidding. Not the

33:10

crying part I cry for other reasons but like when I

33:12

think about it it literally ruins my night about how

33:14

bad I did in New York and DC. I want

33:16

to like publicly apologize to people who came to my DC

33:18

in my New York show. To the people who came to

33:21

my New York and DC show I'm really sorry I

33:23

tried my best. Not good enough. But it wasn't good enough.

33:25

It was. No I'm saying that apology wasn't good enough. Oh

33:27

I tried my best there too. How many times a

33:29

week do you think you poop as

33:31

a small? I think five. Five and

33:34

seven days. Because sometimes I miss a day.

33:36

I don't poop every day. I would appreciate it

33:38

if we took a left here and

33:40

out of this conversation into I'm gonna

33:42

go with anything else. You went get me once a

33:44

podcast. I talk about poop once a podcast. We all

33:46

have our quirks. Why is that your quirk? Because Zach's

33:49

not here. I mean. It's okay

33:51

we're the same person. Because Jared's not here for

33:53

me to comment on his million dollar smile. Why do

33:55

you do that every time? Is it to reassure him?

33:57

Do you feel like he can't? No I genuinely feel like he

33:59

has one. I just feel like you don't think

34:01

you can build confidence himself. So you're kind of being

34:03

a little degrading to him. Degrading was the word I

34:05

was thinking of earlier. Hey, now we're

34:08

here. Now we're back. I feel like I'm being

34:10

ganged up on. We would never gangbang you. We

34:13

would. Even if you asked. Never. I

34:15

would never ask. And we were telling

34:17

you don't ask. And we're telling you if you... I have a question.

34:20

Do you think you're my type? No, I

34:22

think I'm exactly the opposite. And I think that's

34:24

what messes with your head so much. No.

34:27

And you're just like... My head's not messed

34:29

up. I'm doing great. And you're just like,

34:31

man, I just don't get it. I... I...

34:33

He's so different than what I'm used to.

34:35

Dude. He's... This is getting really real. I

34:37

don't... We've got a charm. People are gonna think

34:39

this is... Sadistic. I know. My

34:42

leg fell asleep. Wake it

34:44

up. I'm trying. What do you think it's dreaming about? Maybe

34:47

it's... Maybe it's dreaming about walking on a beach and

34:49

feeling... Feeling sandwiched between... Because your feet aren't touching the

34:51

ground. I know. That's why I hate them. We gotta

34:54

get our little stuff. Yeah, can we invest in like a

34:56

little stool like I put my legs up on? Because this

34:58

is like actually... My dogs weigh like three pounds and it's

35:00

just hanging there. When Jared gets here, I'll lay down underneath your

35:02

feet and you can put them on my back. I feel like

35:04

that's like a dream come true for me. I thought you were

35:06

gonna say for him. He's like, oh yeah, please let me see.

35:08

No, just like put my legs on a man like this. Why...

35:10

Why do you think that? Human furniture. Do you feel

35:12

like you're more of a dormitory... Uh...

35:14

Dominator in a relationship? Why is that?

35:17

I don't like being told what to do. Ever. Does

35:19

it stem from anything? Probably authority issues. JELLY'S!

35:24

Hey! This podcast is going south! But

35:26

now you're here! There's that million dollar

35:28

smile. Did you win buddy? Did

35:31

you win? I won. Did you

35:33

fucking win? Attaboy! Wait, get in

35:35

here. Wait, what did he

35:37

win? Wait, hold on. He's got to get on the mic.

35:40

Bye Skyler. Bye bye. Thank

35:42

you Skyler for filling in. Yeah, thanks Skyler

35:44

for filling me in. Dude,

35:47

she comes over and she has like

35:49

this iced mug thing and

35:52

she slips and falls and now

35:54

it's all over the floor. Do you believe that? What the

35:56

fuck is going on? What did I walk into? I can't

35:58

out. I didn't dare leave for a walk. I want

36:00

to leave for one podcast and then

36:02

all of a sudden I come back

36:04

to shattered glass everywhere I want to

36:06

I want you to not know until

36:08

you edit it. Okay, that's okay But

36:12

just know that clearly fucking mr. And mrs.

36:14

Smith over here. My name is justice. Oh,

36:16

thank you for that And we're not married

36:20

So stop spewing unfactual things. Wait, you know,

36:22

what Skyler was gonna go under my feet

36:24

Skyler You're supposed to go

36:26

under her feet He's

36:30

changing clothes. He says oh, yeah, he's definitely Well,

36:33

you won the dating show I won dude how

36:36

I don't my personality. I don't know nice.

36:39

Wow. You let it shine what? That's

36:41

amazing. Oh, I thought you're saying wow. Is this you could never

36:43

win something? I've got a better track

36:45

record than you now. You came in so hot

36:47

at me. Have you ever won one? I have

36:49

won. I've won a couple you've won a couple.

36:52

I thought the last win was your first win

36:54

No, I won them in the early times. Oh

36:57

In the early days, yeah, okay. Um, I lost

36:59

this one today Um by f

37:01

by a hair. Yeah, I think he had better hair.

37:03

You know much better I think

37:05

that's why he won. Okay. So Jared was

37:07

just on a dating show. What were you guys doing dating

37:09

based on? Uh, well, it

37:11

was supposed to be dating based on valentine's

37:14

day gifts But it ended up just being

37:16

nobody else brought a gift and so I

37:18

was the only one with a gift Oh,

37:21

so you automatically won and uh, so he

37:23

changed it to like dating based on outfits

37:26

Um, actually one guy did bring another gift.

37:28

Um, I'll believe this out but you you

37:31

know Was there other

37:33

beautiful women there? Yeah, they were very beautiful.

37:35

Did you get anybody's number? I no I

37:37

did not I did not get anybody's number

37:40

Um, but they were very beautiful. Did the girl that

37:42

you ended up with want to I don't

37:45

think so I don't know.

37:47

I mean she like we got each other's

37:49

instagrams, but I don't think it's

37:51

actually going anywhere You for winning ours was

37:53

really awkward. It was very awkward.

37:56

It was not even because of okay So

37:58

essentially how it works is five guys staring

38:00

at me like that. You seem nasally, are you

38:02

sick? No, my allergies are

38:04

just like fucking whooping my ass right

38:06

now. Yeah, you seem really sick. I'm

38:08

not sick, because I feel fine. Remember

38:12

how you were congested, but you felt

38:14

fine? You have allergies. I have allergies.

38:16

I have anxiety about it. You didn't turn on

38:19

the jukebox. See what

38:21

happens when you're not here. Jeez Louise, what kind

38:23

of shit are we running over here? Not

38:25

a tight one. Yeah,

38:27

when maybe when you're on the show, you're a little

38:29

loose gal. OK, listen to this. Five

38:32

guys, five girls, they stare at each other in one room,

38:35

and then we ask each other questions for 10 minutes.

38:37

And then the guys have to come together and decide

38:39

which girl we want to eliminate. In

38:42

front of them. In front of them. You know what?

38:44

You guys are so much braver than me. I would never do

38:46

anything. I told David. I'm like, David never asked me to do

38:48

this. I eliminated someone today because she

38:50

was your friend. And I said, you know.

38:52

Was it Verena? Yeah. I was like, you're

38:55

friends with Tara, so I assume you're nuts.

38:58

Yeah, he did say that. Dude, people

39:01

see that. Yeah, that's why he said it. Hot

39:03

commodities could see that and then think I'm fucking nuts. You

39:05

are. You are. I go back. But

39:07

in the best way. We love it. Yeah.

39:09

You're a tornado of fun that we love

39:12

to see sparingly. OK,

39:15

so you want. That's why they keep asking to come on the podcast. Call

39:17

it out. That's not what we meant. A

39:20

tornado of fun. Let's just keep it at that.

39:22

Can we talk about our first date

39:24

for a second? And when I say

39:26

our first date, I mean. Jared.

39:29

How was your first date? You never kept me

39:31

in cahoots. Well, because I knew we were recording

39:33

the podcast today. I'm

39:36

so excited. OK, go. OK. Start

39:38

from the beginning. So. No, start from the beginning,

39:41

which is my texts to you. Oh, yeah, yeah.

39:43

Tara was kind of talking me down off a

39:45

ledge. Oh, I think. What? Oh, I think you're

39:47

saying talking me down like you don't deserve this

39:49

woman. Yeah. No, no, no. No, I mean. No,

39:51

we're good. We're good. We're good. I texted you.

39:54

I was like, I'm very nervous. Right. And

39:57

Tara is the best hype man. She's.

39:59

just, I don't know where my phone went,

40:01

but in the tech, I had mine. like, yeah,

40:03

she's just like, you're hot.

40:06

There's no reason she

40:08

wouldn't want you, you know, go in with that

40:10

mindset. It was just like, it's the tara yummy

40:12

mindset, just a plus hype man. Okay. So that,

40:14

that really helped. I was like, yeah, she's, she

40:17

was like, she never would have agreed to like

40:19

go out with you if she didn't think so.

40:21

I was like, you know what, Tara, you're right.

40:23

You're right. Okay. Here we go. The night before

40:25

I texted him, he was really nervous. So I

40:27

said, you're really hot. Don't think that way. That's

40:29

a bad way to think you're hot. She liked

40:32

you go into it like that. I got no

40:34

response. So yesterday, I'm such a sweetheart. In

40:36

the morning before, you know, he

40:38

got ready for the day, I said, thinking of you

40:40

tonight will be awesome. You're so cool and hot and

40:43

sweet. It'll be sick. You got this. Isn't

40:45

that the best? And then I said, don't worry,

40:47

take deep breaths. Cause you're awesome. Any girl would be

40:49

so lucky to go out with you. I'm not just

40:51

saying that, you know, I'm honest to honest, like

40:53

you're so kind and sweet and super cute and girls

40:55

are fucking stupid anyways, sex falling

40:58

asleep. And then he said, aren't we all pretty

41:00

stupid? I said, I'm pretty and stupid. And I

41:02

said the best combo. Okay.

41:04

So that's the date went well. So

41:06

I planned, she

41:09

was telling me when we first met that she played

41:11

a lot of sports in high school and that she's

41:13

pretty competitive. So I thought it'd be fun. There's

41:16

like a putt putt place like down the, down

41:18

the street from where she lives. And so I

41:20

thought it'd be fun, you know, and she was

41:22

like, perfect. I've always wanted to go there. Never

41:24

been. I was like, sweet. So we went there.

41:27

It was great. Oh,

41:29

you picked her up. Oh yeah. Picked her up. Not your own car.

41:31

Not my own car. Because your own car is. Yeah.

41:34

Oh God. We haven't talked about that. Someone

41:36

tried to steal my fucking car and they

41:38

smashed my window. How do we? Not

41:41

the Bear Bear mobile. Exactly. How do I mean? They're

41:43

sorry. I'm sure. So I don't think they are

41:46

led by, I think they're sorry that they weren't

41:48

able to get the car. I think they're sorry

41:50

that they have to stoop so low to try

41:52

to steal a car. So yeah. So you take

41:54

Alyssa's car, take Alyssa's car, pull up. And that,

41:56

that is like, she's like, hi, you know, that's

41:59

not sure. car and I

42:01

was like funny story about that someone tried to

42:03

steal it and so then yeah get to the

42:05

front seat but it was a perfect icebreaker you

42:08

know to your car was stolen yeah to

42:10

start the day it was like a blessing in

42:12

disguise exactly like it speak about you guys

42:14

are riffing or raffing yeah so sorry I like

42:17

is like it and then she gets

42:19

to see your personality when tough situations

42:21

happen exactly you're good under pressure fantastic

42:24

and then so so we get to

42:26

the place and then we don't actually

42:28

we didn't get a scorecard yeah we

42:30

were kind of just going by whole so it was

42:33

like par three is like we were just counting how

42:35

many strokes it took to get it right so we

42:37

were kind of going yeah shut up I knew it's

42:39

that strokes I just I immediately looked

42:41

at that you thinking what I'm thinking

42:44

yeah my grandpa had a stroke

42:46

once I'm thinking that what are you

42:48

thinking oh okay

42:51

over to you okay

42:53

so yeah everything's going fine

42:55

grandpa Larry no no no he's good I

42:58

know scary yeah and so

43:01

everything's going great we're having good banter

43:03

we're talking getting to know each other

43:05

and then at the end we

43:08

don't really know who won but

43:10

it was it was a good competition you know

43:12

again activities great things

43:14

to do on dates right so

43:18

then afterwards we went to

43:22

this Italian restaurant for secos

43:24

okay beautiful inside the Zach

43:26

special okay and you

43:30

know I made the reservation so I walked

43:32

in and the guy they have

43:34

fantastic service there the guy I walk

43:36

in and before I went hey and

43:38

he's like mr. Bailey we've been expecting

43:40

you know no that makes you look so cool

43:43

I know girls probably fucking creamed in her jeans

43:45

if someone did that when I was on a date and they're

43:47

like mr. Bailey we've been expecting I'm like he's

43:50

so cool yeah anyway

43:53

so then we so he's like he's

43:55

like right this way we've got the

43:57

table right by the window table.

44:00

Oh my god it could not have been

44:02

more perfect. Was it so romantic? Yeah it

44:04

was in it like low lighting. What did

44:07

she think of the place when she walked

44:09

in? She's like yeah she was like this

44:11

is really nice you know and the the

44:13

server comes over and she's like these are

44:15

our specials you know and so we we

44:17

got like the crab cakes as the appetizers

44:20

you know the best damn crab

44:22

cakes I've ever had okay. What did she

44:24

think? She thought it was amazing because so

44:26

the crab cakes came and I had to

44:28

go to the restroom and so I was

44:30

like please start without me I'll be right

44:32

back. I come back and she's like oh

44:34

my god these are this is

44:36

literally the best food I've ever had. I

44:38

was like dude you're in and

44:41

you know we get a couple glasses of wine and

44:43

we're just chit chatting over there. Oh yeah

44:46

I'm so excited for you right now. The

44:48

food's amazing and we were there we got

44:50

there at our reservation was at 8 30 and

44:52

I think we left at like 11 30.

44:54

You gotta be careful though because one time

44:56

I thought I found love in that restaurant and then

44:58

I now we

45:00

don't talk anymore but I'm sure yours is different

45:03

because. Don't say that. I'm sure

45:05

yours is different. I know but don't even

45:07

say that. Don't you want a guy to bring

45:09

a fire? Don't you want a guy to bring a fire? Yeah

45:12

he's very excited. Okay wait. He could also be mad

45:14

I never know he's always smiling. I am

45:16

always smiling. I like that. I'm gonna ask my emotions

45:18

with that. Okay when you left did

45:21

you guys kiss goodbye? Wait

45:23

wait wait. What was the banter

45:25

at the table? We can't be skipping all the details.

45:28

I'm such a girl. What

45:30

yeah what was the banter like? What was a

45:32

consistent conversation piece? You

45:35

know like we were just diving into each

45:37

other's backgrounds you know learning about like who

45:40

we are as people, why we are as

45:42

people, why we are. Wow

45:44

you guys are getting philosophical. Yeah you know

45:46

we were talking about the different like ways

45:49

our parents raised us and how

45:52

that's affected us today. What did you think about your parents being

45:54

lesbian? She loved it yeah she thought

45:56

she was like she yeah she said they're not getting

45:58

into heaven but. She's

46:00

great. So kissing. Uh,

46:03

okay, you guys are conversating pop up I'm

46:05

reciting, you know throwing jokes and quips back

46:07

and forth making each other laugh, you know

46:09

That's you guys try each other's what you

46:11

ordered. Of course. Yeah, that's so cute line

46:15

a couple glasses I apologize in here. Yeah,

46:18

I got the Pinot grigio. She got the

46:20

Pinot noir and which

46:23

the Pinot noir was I

46:26

had the same name as my grandmother

46:28

and so I thought I was like

46:31

maybe I'm fine, you know, Santa Rita

46:33

stroke thing Okay, no So

46:36

yeah, she she got the the

46:39

salmon mashed potatoes and broccoli. Wait,

46:41

can we go there? That sounds really good Oh,

46:43

it's the place is phenomenal. It's kind of a classy joint

46:45

though. You think you can step it up a little bit

46:49

You know that you're in perfect attire.

46:51

Thank you. So she got that I

46:53

got the I can't roll

46:55

my horse is gonna come out so

46:57

uncultured but the our abiata. Okay It's

47:02

like a spicy red sauce with

47:04

chicken and goat cheese and penne.

47:07

Mmm, can we go here? This sounds

47:09

amazing Oh, it's my favorite every I walked

47:11

in there. I brought somebody in there and

47:13

the All the

47:15

waiters were like hey welcome

47:17

back man, and then the girls like It's

47:20

a new girl every time you've been here

47:23

one time actually This

47:25

is right last year. I brought one

47:28

girl there and she was blonde

47:30

and then I brought another

47:32

girl there That was blonde It

47:35

just didn't work out the first girl and

47:37

the guy the waiter there. He calls

47:39

her the other girl's name Oh

47:41

my god, but he comes up to me But

47:44

he like plays off cool. He's oh, I meant blah blah blah

47:46

and then I could go to the bathroom Any like stop saying

47:49

his dude? I'm sorry

47:52

I gotta be your boy in this and I really

47:54

messed up He's like I called about the

47:56

wrong name. Do you think she's like found like I'm like no,

47:58

no, he's like what happened to the other girl? I'm like, I

48:00

just didn't work out. I'm like, it's fine. It's

48:02

gonna be okay if they deserve, okay. It's like, they just

48:04

look so similar. Okay, I know. You have a type. I

48:06

get it. Yeah, it was

48:09

funny. Yeah, the wait staff there is

48:11

incredible. So yeah, we

48:13

try each other's food. Fantastic, you know, everything's

48:16

going well. Afterwards, we realize it's like,

48:18

okay, we've overstayed our welcome because they

48:20

were closing up shop and everything. And

48:23

then we went on a little walk. Did you pay?

48:26

Afterward, oh yeah, of course. I'm just wondering. Did she do the

48:28

little, oh my gosh, I took

48:30

care of it before she even had the chance to

48:32

do that. So I'm sure she would have, but

48:35

I took care of it. And

48:37

so, so yeah, the afterwards we

48:39

went on a little walk and cause

48:42

it's in, it's in Toluca Lake,

48:44

beautiful area. And then this

48:46

in classic Jared fashion, this is where shit

48:48

starts to go awry. Okay.

48:51

Not in like a terrible way, but

48:53

in a classic Jared way. So we're

48:55

walking and I have

48:58

severe spring allergies. Okay. Oh

49:00

no. And the thing

49:02

about living out here is that it's

49:04

considerably warmer than most other regions

49:08

of the United States. So spring starts

49:10

a little early and on

49:12

our walk, start to have an allergy

49:15

attack. Did you not rocket on her?

49:17

No, no, no, no, I didn't, okay,

49:19

it wasn't that bad, but like it

49:21

felt like the right side of my

49:23

face was on fire and

49:26

I was sniffling and I was

49:28

sneezing and like my eyes were

49:30

watering up. And so

49:32

then we took a little road trip to CVS.

49:37

And, but she was very fine, all this cute

49:39

and endearing. Yeah, yeah. That's what I was going

49:41

to say. I could. She was being maternal

49:43

and taking care of her little baby boy Jared, wasn't she? Exactly.

49:45

Did you get high off that allergy

49:47

pills? No, I wish man, but it

49:49

was bad in the car. I

49:52

was just like, I was literally, I had

49:54

my elbow resting on the

49:56

middle console and I was like, I

49:58

had a whole. hold my cheek to

50:01

the side so that I could fucking

50:03

breathe. Okay, it was bad, but still

50:05

great banter. She looked up where the

50:07

knee- So where are you from? Yeah,

50:09

that's what I sounded like. And

50:12

so we go in, we get the medicine, whatever,

50:15

start to feel better. And I

50:17

was like, oh, this is so embarrassing,

50:19

whatever. And she's like, no, I find

50:21

this quite funny and endearing. And I

50:23

was like, okay, this is

50:25

going well. This is one of your life.

50:27

You play pool. Did you kiss her? No,

50:30

but I think it was because of the

50:32

allergy attacks, because everything was pointing in that

50:34

direction. Like when we were playing putt-putt, we

50:38

were like kind of handsy,

50:40

you know? Handsy. If a guy

50:42

doesn't kiss me goodbye on a date, I feel like on

50:45

a first date, I don't know. Is this a harsh thing

50:47

to say, that you kiss on a first date? No,

50:49

that's normal, to kiss on the first date.

50:52

So you waited that you didn't kiss her?

50:54

No, Tara, I was sniffling and like, it

50:56

was not sexy. Like the night very quickly

50:58

turned. She clocked it, not being sexy. Wait,

51:00

do you think she wanted to kiss you?

51:03

I feel like before the allergy attack, yeah,

51:05

everything was kind of going that direction. I

51:07

think, I feel like you could have just

51:09

been like, hey, I would love nothing more

51:11

than kiss you right now, but I'm a

51:13

hot mess, up top, neck up. So I

51:15

think we save it for the

51:17

more inappropriate. Yeah, did you? Did you say

51:20

that? I did not. You're just like, all

51:22

right, thanks, here's a side hug. Okay,

51:25

it wasn't a side hug. No, it wasn't a side

51:27

hug. Do you think she, second date?

51:30

Oh yeah, second date. Has it been planned? Not

51:32

yet, we're still like gonna figure out the

51:35

actual day to do it, but. What's her name

51:37

again? I'm not gonna say. Wait, you said

51:39

you were getting handsy. Sorry, yeah. What does that mean?

51:42

We're just like, you know, putting

51:44

like arms on shoulders and stuff like that,

51:46

or like, if you, like

51:50

when we made like a good shot, we would

51:52

like high five, but like hold

51:55

the hands a little bit longer. Like a? Yeah.

51:58

Oh my God. This is

52:00

so cute. And then at dinner

52:02

it's just very flirtatious. So everything was

52:05

going in a good direction. And

52:07

then my body decided to betray me. Maybe she

52:09

saw a side of you she never would have.

52:12

That's the reason for the second day tapping.

52:14

Cause she would have seen perfection. And

52:18

I'm not perfect. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

52:20

no, no, no. This is who I am. What's the

52:22

awesome flaws of yours? Okay, okay, this is gonna be

52:24

hurtful. Go ahead. No, go on. I can't think of

52:26

more than 12. I

52:28

don't think I should go first. What do you think

52:30

of for the second date? I don't know. I

52:33

gotta really plan that out. She's a force girl. Take her

52:35

to a Lakers game. Yeah, I love

52:37

Lakers games. Okay, that's

52:39

a good idea. You're gonna

52:41

spend a little bit of a coin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

52:44

went to Lakers the other day. Two tickets, $1,100.

52:47

Where the hell were you sitting? I

52:50

was playing. But it

52:52

was, yeah, I didn't just. Could

52:54

do the pottery thing. Could do that. Could

52:56

do the pottery thing. I was gonna say,

52:59

if someone took me to a nice Italian restaurant for a

53:01

first date, I think I'd shipwrecks. I was telling you

53:03

this. I'm like, I don't know. It

53:05

feels so formal to go in the

53:07

dinner. It makes me nervous just talking

53:09

about it. I'm not much of a. Like a

53:11

formal dinner, go out. You're more of

53:13

a hawky. You're more of a leave the guy's place with your makeup

53:16

on the back of your head, type of girl. On

53:18

the back of your head. It was just like, it got

53:20

so messy. It's not that. It's more so,

53:22

I don't know. I'm just even thinking of it.

53:24

Unless I think I would date someone, I don't

53:27

think I would go on even a first date like that. Maybe

53:29

I just, I'm close minded. Maybe

53:32

they just don't ask. I don't know. I

53:34

feel like they just don't ask. I think they don't ask, because

53:36

I make it really clear that I don't want that.

53:38

Want to do that. But. But

53:41

what? Nothing. Sounds like you're

53:43

gonna say something. I don't know. I

53:45

just think it's really sweet. I think if someone asked me on a

53:47

formal date like that, if I was interested, I'd say yes. And

53:50

it's just like, I can't even think about that, because I'd be so nervous to go

53:52

to a nice Italian restaurant. I think I would be

53:54

so nervous. You're nervous to

53:56

go to a place where they have Parmesan in like a little

53:58

bucket and they give it to you? Yeah. Yeah, I don't

54:00

know like dinner so formal. You know what

54:03

I mean? Yeah, I'd feel so like well That's why

54:05

you do the little icebreaker with the activity before you

54:07

know Here's my thing right unless I know I'm gonna

54:09

get along with a guy I'm not gonna do that

54:11

because I get so antsy if I'm not having fun

54:13

I'd be like I'd make up an emergency to go

54:15

home And so it's like to know like oh my

54:17

god, and then we have dinner after this I do

54:19

you think you're not giving them the chance though I don't

54:21

know there is a there is a rule out there that you

54:23

always go on the second date because it's it's First

54:26

impressions are tough and usually the other person's really in their head

54:28

as well I don't know if I believe that I don't know

54:30

I think it's a good rule You're

54:33

gonna go on a second date again. You hated his

54:36

first date. No you had such a good time I

54:38

had a great time. Would you marry her? Okay? I

54:42

really hope like do you think people

54:44

we talk about watch this no zero percent. It's

54:46

never happened About a

54:48

hundred percent. Yeah, I've gotten some calls

54:50

and conversations I've gotten some calls and conversations,

54:52

and I've only been here a couple times I

54:55

I've gotten like messages from people I've talked

54:57

about like but like I talked about them with like a you

54:59

know I'm like oh, duh duh duh like I don't like say

55:01

the name like I was with this person Yeah, and they'll

55:03

be like this person customer. I've

55:05

gotten a message like that and it's terrifying

55:07

my god Like

55:09

on like a clip like this is so fucking

55:11

scary But if you heard a guy

55:14

talking about you the way Jared just talked

55:16

about that oh my god What would oh

55:18

my god like you would like that right?

55:20

I would die yeah cuz he wasn't being

55:22

any scandalous No, you're being so sweet. Yeah.

55:25

Oh my god. I'm so happy so second

55:27

date What's the plan were you

55:29

taking her can I make a suggestion? Okay? Yeah,

55:32

I like a good museum Because

55:34

it's stuff to talk about and it's like you could walk through I

55:36

just hold her hand I want to

55:38

be a good listener for a second. I still think

55:40

a sports game because oh sports. Yeah. Yeah, that's

55:42

true And we're working party Lakers

55:44

game is perfect or any basketball game because

55:47

you can watch the game But you can

55:49

also have conversation. It's like if you're watching

55:51

the game. It's not awkward if

55:53

you're not talking Yeah, because you're watching the game

55:55

because there's something to look at you know And

55:57

there's like that applies on museum too. I do agree with you

55:59

I think Lakers game would be better. Museums

56:02

don't have LeBron James dunking at 39 years old

56:04

and everyone going, yay. That's true. I'm going

56:06

to Lakers game tomorrow. Are you really? Yeah.

56:09

That makes me so mad. Court side, baby. Court side? Dude,

56:11

don't even get me started. Are you going with who I

56:13

think you're going with? Yeah. She's

56:15

going with Corinna. Oh, okay. I feel like

56:17

a big secret. Yeah, the thing is,

56:20

I need to be best friends with Corinna and I

56:22

feel like she sees me as someone who just wants

56:24

to take advantage of her for her Lakers tickets. Though

56:27

that's true. I'm sure we could also

56:29

still be friends. Yes. I'll

56:32

take her OnlyFans pictures for her. I'll do it all. I

56:34

will. Kindness in my heart. I'll

56:37

make the sacrifice play. I'll make a sacrifice. I'll

56:39

turn on the flash. Stop talking

56:41

about my friend. Yep. There's

56:44

a mole. It ended, you know, she, before

56:46

she like walked into her apartment, she was like, text

56:48

me when you get home safe. And so I texted

56:50

her. I was like, hey, I had a great time

56:52

tonight. I would love to see you again. And she's

56:54

like, me too. Thank

56:56

you for planning such a fun night. You meet

56:58

Tudor? No, God damn it, dude. Are

57:02

you, you gun? What'd you do? I didn't

57:04

do anything. Accident? That's what they all say.

57:06

I didn't do anything. That's what they all say. Don't you put

57:08

that eagle on me. The Harvey Weinstein is in jail. So did

57:10

you do it or not? I didn't do it. Let me check

57:12

your pockets for funny pills. I didn't do anything. I didn't shake

57:14

it down for your funny pills. So, yeah. So

57:16

she was like, yeah, absolutely. Let's do it again. Could you

57:18

set me up, player? You're

57:20

a menace. No. Don't you want

57:23

to make sure that someone loves you and would

57:25

cast anyone else aside? Oh, that's

57:27

what I'll do. I'm on your side. I

57:29

go on a date with her. I am

57:31

the worst. And she's only gonna be thinking about the best that she ever

57:33

had with you. Oh, and the

57:35

sex is gonna be so bad. Such

57:37

bad sex with her. Yeah, I'm hating

57:40

this plan. Yeah, this sounds awful. Oh,

57:42

I gotcha. In case she watches it. You

57:44

want her to think that it's actually gonna happen. I gotcha. No,

57:47

no. Oh, use protection. You're good.

57:49

I'm just gonna nip this in the bud right now and say, not

57:51

gonna happen. Oh, that means so I'll do it. God,

57:54

you're relentless. Thank you so much. What

57:56

time are we at? Oh my gosh,

57:58

we're almost done. Holy shit. I really came in at

58:01

the end didn't I? That's what she said. Don't

58:04

look around like we're supposed to give

58:06

a round of applause. Just the

58:11

spike to the camera like it's the office. 40

58:15

year old joke and I just said it

58:17

out loud. Hilarious. I

58:19

know. Thank you.

58:24

What have you guys talked about

58:26

behind her door every day? Um,

58:28

we just talked about life, love,

58:31

pursuit happiness pursuit of

58:33

yappiness. Life, love, and the pursuit of

58:35

yappiness. I like that. Zach gifted me

58:37

a necklace with initials on it for

58:39

no reason because we are nothing but

58:42

friends. This is what you do for

58:44

all your friends. She says she's gonna wear it off camera. Oh,

58:46

I didn't. Why'd you get the tattoo on my name then? Could

58:49

you imagine if I got a back tattooed on

58:51

me? I could actually imagine that because I was

58:53

drunk or because it's funny. Both.

58:55

There's only I feel like

58:57

you would have to be

58:59

drunk enough to think that

59:01

it's funny to wake up.

59:03

Zachary Zachary. Where? Right above my

59:05

tramp stamp. I wanted

59:08

to be holes in place. Okay.

59:11

Um, thank you guys so much for listening

59:13

and watching. We're going over to the bonus

59:15

content right now to the boner to the

59:17

Patreon. And if you miss out on this

59:20

content, honestly, die in a hole.

59:22

Am I right, Alyssa? Oh my gosh, you crazy

59:24

girl. Uh, oh, we're gonna

59:27

crazy bet. We're gonna do a giveaway

59:29

of a, uh, this is going to

59:31

be the Patreon New Year's special gift

59:35

thing. So there's a free trial out right

59:37

now. If you want to sign

59:39

up, go get you, you can get yourself a

59:42

little gift of Xbox or AirPods, whatever

59:44

the hell you want. Aren't you also giving away one of

59:46

those dates with Jared? We're going to give away a date

59:48

with Jared. Whoa. Sure. Why not? News to me. We'll give

59:50

away a date with Tara. You're going to come back with

59:52

chlamydia, but we're going to do it. So

59:54

sign up for the Patreon and we're going to go

59:57

over there and talk about some dirty, dirty stuff. Thank

1:00:00

you. I have my parents on the phone.

1:00:02

7 day free trial you monsters. I

1:00:05

do love your parents cause they hold

1:00:07

me at night.