0:00

Is this thing on?

0:02

All right, gentlemen, the main stage

0:04

next, this is funny. Get up there.

0:06

She got tornado, titties coming your way, get

0:09

those dollar bills ready. She's got an ass that shakes

0:11

like Michael j.fox., So get up there and

0:13

throw throw throw them dollars, food.

0:16

That is black, and i sexy

0:18

motherfukers today.

0:20

I have somebody that I

0:22

have been looking forward to meeting. not me

0:25

looking forward to meeting with. My husband was

0:27

more excited about this gas that I was ophelia

0:30

aka mamma taught in the house

0:32

baby how are you that is me

0:34

i'm perfect i'm so excited

0:37

they here says that i didn't realize how

0:39

much hannah say

0:42

the air is just like mobile alabama

0:44

oh yeah they like scissors yet there's

0:47

no difference other than the downtown

0:49

area to be and is more lively than and

0:51

he is immobile name but man

0:53

ever buy eggs the same looks as saying

0:56

like savills like home

0:58

yeah nashville reminds

1:00

me of what southern

1:03

version of l

1:05

then we'll a southern thousand and were given

1:07

the traffic here to yeah fuckin

1:10

bullshit let me tell you feel it gives

1:12

me that and anxiety get near

1:14

see it anxiety how is it second into

1:16

the air bnb yesterday i

1:18

was yesterday little difficult to some

1:21

you know everything is so

1:24

nicole and computerized and

1:26

and i'm not to say we would say it i mean i

1:28

can barely work i don't like us on

1:31

but it was different and gimme

1:33

gimme a key and a whole that's our may

1:35

suffer through a literal my husband say

1:38

feels that he's that on the yeah

1:41

it was it was stressful for that but

1:43

it's beautiful now dead and like is beautiful

1:46

good yeah we were laughing before the other

1:48

cameras started rolling because the air be

1:50

in the house i was like so is there

1:52

a parking pass and he sent me like fuckin three

1:54

paragraphs and i'm just like bro i

1:56

can handle this it air

1:59

via the side

2:00

We got Mama time Nashville. So did you go

2:02

out last night and Nashville? And every

2:06

time i went to the restroom, I

2:08

was in there for twenty minutes hugging people. Yeah,

2:10

okay. And taking pictures, one

2:13

of them. There was a a bathroom attendant in

2:15

there and we had a whole therapy session.

2:17

I mean, in tears

2:19

and I mean I ended up like

2:21

$30 and

2:24

we just had it was

2:26

a beautiful but everywhere. I went hunting

2:28

there was somebody somewhere. I

2:31

i everywhere. I had no

2:33

idea that it was this

2:35

many people that

2:37

that knew me in this area. Like I'm

2:39

I just think people

2:40

mobile know me or something. I don't know. That's

2:42

why I i you're so much like my husband because my

2:44

husband will go someplace as and he always

2:47

has people breaking down crying to him telling

2:49

them his stories and how his music

2:51

has touched them as late as he is amazing

2:54

but so are you another i'm trying to say

2:56

as you guys both have that same where

2:58

you're just like oblivious

3:00

to how much she touched people's

3:02

souls yeah no yeah i think that

3:04

and edges

3:06

and i'm how can a my best his everyday

3:08

on those videos but i'm a go out

3:11

tonight in and take some eggs for tissues

3:13

because it was the , out

3:15

i was i was i was i

3:17

was a hot may as yes honey we was

3:19

dragon at eleven am i know

3:21

hello sometimes we

3:24

came back i got a shower and

3:26

then went back out again and we

3:28

bar hop on

3:31

which that was fun and be arraigned

3:33

on my best the race

3:36

as he is just a ham she's a lady

3:38

by aziz said larry very protective

3:40

of ryo she's amazing yeah

3:42

i'm but her and gibson are like buddy

3:44

buddy their business

3:46

the we had a great hands of we're gonna go

3:48

out against non and then hit

3:50

all home i'm so fucking

3:53

sexy hear your story i just lets

3:55

you know let's start from the beginning cause

3:58

i know that you have a story

4:00

ah you know with your mom and

4:02

stuff like that if i'm correct when

4:04

i'm so where were you born

4:06

muslim , here just a lifer

4:09

done then never last on our last

4:11

three my nose is running and may his his

4:13

home his yeah you know on

4:16

and on hamlet same way they are but you know

4:18

and establish family with you know my

4:20

husband's hand same oh yeah my mother

4:22

on the my kids kids

4:24

that their family and let yeah

4:27

has been there i'm voting on the forty

4:29

one in september and you're beautiful and forty

4:31

two were just pressure that i

4:33

like i feel like of women

4:35

that are forty and above oppression the right now but

4:38

you know in our prime you know spawning

4:40

if you look at photos

4:42

from like the seventies or

4:44

eighties and see table and

4:46

their saudi they looked like they were

4:48

sixty right but you see people

4:51

today in their forties and you

4:53

knew forties can't even guess they announce know

4:55

is that is loud to my yeah you don't look

4:58

like you're gonna be that like you're forty to me at all

5:00

at i hope not you know

5:02

bacon of mama mama other was

5:04

beautiful woman as i

5:06

will say that diana

5:09

on and she really did

5:11

have some pretty dollars an hour or

5:14

so you have sisters and brothers

5:16

this is how this out guy was called i don't know

5:18

i've ever explained it

5:20

in detail i would surmise this

5:22

right i've searched for like answers and i couldn't

5:25

find it so i was really curious

5:27

as to that story land the baby

5:29

not have a the api so many

5:31

many moons ago my

5:34

mother got married now i'm

5:36

not too sure how other thank probably

5:39

an early twenties they are married young back

5:41

then they did he i did she got

5:43

married and she had three children

5:45

with that marriage and

5:47

i love him less that's my siblings

5:49

they are we calling papa after

5:53

some time they they divorced and

5:56

then you know years later she meets

5:58

my diane and then the young when

6:00

they had together

6:03

my dad sad he gets married

6:05

to this lady when he's twenty one

6:07

they have a daughter they get divorced he

6:09

marries his other lady they have a son

6:12

they get divorced and then he marries my mom

6:14

sounds like though i have two siblings

6:16

that are my half siblings from a day

6:19

the have three siblings that i'm a

6:21

half siblings from a mama bear

6:23

between my mom and dad i was young

6:25

when my head gear that right same with real yeah

6:28

so so it went like that so

6:30

my mom and dad were were married

6:32

until he passed away and

6:34

tapes trades of i think about it now at

6:36

fc one place where they probably would

6:39

still be married because he just

6:41

loved the hell out of her crazy i am

6:44

i , only one i really am

6:47

rhein her in fact like

6:49

that re on he knew

6:51

how to work her work her

6:54

what not to do to set her

6:56

owls he he just knew the

6:58

traits of the train when income her

7:03

how did your mom suffer from

7:05

mental illness sounds like she might have been

7:07

oh by the whole or possibly on that she

7:09

was bipolar i think she

7:11

was diagnosed i'm ,

7:13

say maybe mid thirties early

7:16

thirties it was around a camera

7:18

was about eight or nine years

7:20

old i find on and find remember

7:23

the conversations about that like just

7:25

in the house and she never

7:27

came out and told me that on

7:30

i just remembered here in aid and then as

7:32

i got older i remember

7:34

seen certain medication only hey

7:36

boss and you know saying what

7:38

it was thorn says so she never

7:40

came out and said anything that said

7:42

just remembered it earns about half

7:45

as about child the trial figure out you no

7:47

put the pieces together why his mom acting

7:49

like does you know

7:51

a is while because

7:54

when i was in elementary school you

7:56

know first grade kindergarten second grade

8:00

me i'm thinking that's how every mama

8:02

was it's not you

8:04

know i'm not realizing that mom

8:06

was was quite different brain until

8:08

i started to get a little older fourth grade

8:11

fifth grade i would stay at other people's

8:13

homes you know slumber party ray birthday

8:15

parties in and start seeing all these other mama

8:18

that , just be so nice and sweet

8:21

and you know i there was

8:24

was little girl named jessica that

8:26

moved in the neighborhood i met around bus

8:28

and he became instant became and

8:30

her mom's name is miss common

8:33

oh she's so pretty isn't love

8:35

blonde bombshell back the and on

8:39

i would start going over just because house

8:41

and her mom just the masses thing lol want

8:43

some lines here sit down you know it wouldn't

8:45

all just heavenly and heavenly

8:48

so a wasn't too i was about in the

8:50

fourth or fifth grade i started to realize

8:52

that

8:53

i have someone different in my

8:55

home this this this this this

8:58

is it normal you know on

9:01

there were jazz

9:03

she physically of he is so when

9:06

, this start when did the as little

9:08

as i can remember you know i tried to like

9:10

about mom says the other day

9:13

when somebody else as mean that clashed and

9:16

that clashed can remember saying back from kindergarten

9:18

through and so i remember at least

9:21

i had be five six years old when

9:23

the physical the started now

9:26

you wouldn't do this and in front

9:28

of my daddy

9:30

all in , was one situation

9:33

ah thank our was made about nine

9:35

or t and on a hit hit middle school middle

9:38

school and though bills like starkness it's

9:40

great great while still in elementary

9:42

school i don't remember what it was

9:44

cellar which is probably nothing on

9:47

but he they may

9:50

so diane

9:52

with a nail and you

9:54

know if that happened and year you're gonna start

9:56

you know holding your dad i'm trying

9:58

to well as did there there

10:01

were wet i'm just

10:04

up my arm isn't it completely

10:06

up my forearm i'd

10:08

she sent me tomorrow after their land

10:10

and went to slay course i cried myself

10:13

to sleep my dad

10:15

he must come in there at not

10:17

time when he got office off of work

10:19

just to check on me my

10:21

arm was lying and like this and i had

10:23

i'm short sleeved shirts and he sang

10:25

that men are got woken up

10:28

by him just the verbal

10:30

lakers he would never be fiscal with anybody

10:33

just var billy in threaten

10:35

and mama other line don't you put

10:38

your hands on that baby just really

10:41

you , door what he could you

10:43

know yours is very protective over you with

10:46

he was he was he was

10:48

my protector of so when of so

10:50

a riot because he on the car dealership so

10:52

he was not at home monday two saturdays

10:55

quite a workaholic cars with his was

10:57

last on so he'd

10:59

be gone throughout the day and she

11:02

was a stay at home mom so thomason

11:05

so i would only really be along

11:07

with her unless it was after school

11:09

or in the summertime gray on

11:12

so it was much different

11:14

for me

11:15

when he wasn't home but the second

11:17

he came home

11:19

he would be nicer tried be kinder

11:22

to i set mother was i grew up in a very

11:24

abusive or arm and with a very abusive

11:26

childhood a very abusive stepmother and shoes

11:28

would play me and my dad against these other

11:30

an angel would

11:32

i when you said that you would go over to other people's houses

11:35

and see how nice some about like that like

11:37

makes me just wanna cry because i remember

11:39

that same feeling as a child

11:42

you're like why can't my mom the like that lyonnais

11:44

by dragon as like you just wanna be loved

11:46

as a child and as all kids want

11:48

they just want outlets so growing

11:51

up with that and the house was

11:53

it did of abuse continue as

11:55

you got older oh yeah i'll mail

11:57

it in a didn't pull it is a guy

12:00

worse

12:00

were you the only child she had in in

12:03

the home no no see okay he

12:05

did it to the other three on

12:07

the thing is thing is

12:10

i feel it's okay i can tell this story minutes

12:13

until it's not my personal store but our and

12:15

i'm a big sis be okay great and if

12:17

not hours cut it out those

12:20

good got the hell out of there

12:22

and they went to live with their diet in florida

12:26

they were little they have the option the lead i had

12:28

the option of my mom and it and thought for them

12:31

he , their daddy came down there and get

12:34

those kids oh my siblings and

12:36

my mother never fault never

12:39

nuts and it was okay the

12:41

you know that's why my siblings

12:44

grew up in florida room

12:46

and i grew up here

12:48

so i would see them from time to time

12:50

they would you know come

12:52

the summer time it was just like as

12:54

if as if she had custody

12:57

of them and they will go to the bad them it was

12:59

just slipped right now so they lived

13:01

with him full time and then they

13:03

would say herges you know in the summer time

13:06

and and stuff like that well armed

13:08

so i was the only one that

13:11

was completely raised in that home

13:13

with her because i didn't have an option

13:16

the go nowhere you know they were married

13:19

you know they weren't separated or divorced

13:22

they were in their mail and they were both your

13:24

para and they were my parents so

13:26

you know and white flight my sister said she

13:28

said thank goodness you know thank

13:31

goodness because they've ,

13:33

a great daddy you know when i shall we just

13:35

love him today and i mean he's the i mean

13:38

i was just out of a riot oh oh

13:41

love not my husband lives and asia and

13:44

but he he was wonderfully great dad

13:46

always had been arm and now is an

13:48

excellent grandfather but so i didn't have that

13:50

option that now there were

13:52

a few times at one of my

13:54

sisters on you

13:57

know came down durant haskell years

13:59

to trotta you know see how

14:01

it on work live in their room

14:03

and and even last a year whining last

14:05

a year they they get i even

14:07

resent kid

14:09

one of my sisters when

14:11

she laughs because you follow she abandons

14:14

you are banned it yes and

14:16

i come home from school and

14:19

our her things was down

14:22

see protect his me the

14:24

, teenager in a sea would fight back

14:27

against our mother for

14:30

you know how others being treated brave

14:32

would she ever tell your dad like hey this

14:34

like hey on oh yes a

14:37

a that he would just yell at earn

14:39

like you know he rarely had all wars

14:41

i'm a choice you know i'll

14:43

take you to court now tight you know because in

14:46

his mind for whatever reason he

14:48

saw

14:49

that was going on down on work lay

14:51

it didn't work because you're not

14:53

dealing with a normal person

14:56

ray not dealing with someone

14:59

in a rational way i'm

15:01

in it so hard to explain

15:03

that to people because everybody

15:05

was like why why did he stay

15:08

will ah if he or she

15:10

abuse of the him to no

15:12

no no aziza never

15:14

laid a hand on him he never

15:17

laid a hand on her the only thing i

15:19

ever seen between my mom and

15:21

dad was just was just arguing

15:23

and it able to you as as like a completely different

15:25

human with him oh yeah yeah

15:28

in on take the even may be in a little girl

15:30

i would recognize that the arguments

15:32

would would be started by her

15:35

right now wild as a little

15:37

girl then in the backseat of the car

15:39

thinking where you shouldn't said that

15:42

yeah he's on the up say it you know i

15:44

would often have to recognize and what happens

15:46

whenever your child grows up in a views

15:48

as you become hyper aware of your surroundings

15:51

and you become and europe and constant

15:53

fight or flight so years erode

15:55

and on everything like you're like literally

15:57

you're on literally battlefield waiting for the next that

16:00

woman i can bomb he knows what's happening

16:02

as that sales yes know if one

16:04

hundred percent i grew up like that too and and

16:07

that's why you are so zeroed and you could

16:09

read your mom so well because you

16:11

were waiting to see when her next mood swing was

16:13

coming or are you know what was happening

16:15

and that says a lot of pressure to put on

16:17

a child at the

16:20

i had oh i have terrible

16:22

terrible anxiety meters on

16:26

the fear of the unknown as

16:30

, claustrophobia you know in

16:32

elevators and things like that that

16:34

stems from she made me

16:36

sit in the bathroom for six hours

16:39

one day as a punishment with the lies that is

16:42

so little lives are the lives of

16:44

other scared of other dog i was only eight

16:46

years old amazon but what

16:50

i'm trying to say is every day

16:53

when i will get on the bus to go home from school

16:57

i would be okay

16:59

you know riding the bus and neighborhood but

17:01

the closer eight got to my home

17:03

my heart would start racing i

17:06

would start shaking because i

17:08

didn't know what kind of mama i

17:10

was gonna get when i walked through that door on

17:13

because it would just if change at any

17:15

moment when she ever nice to you

17:18

at any time you know there were times

17:20

you know was it real are was the just because

17:22

she needed something or one and some you know

17:24

i can recognize her

17:26

ah the cyclists because

17:29

that was always done and fun and payphone

17:31

healthy but charge i had i had

17:33

shower that mom was something like

17:35

that you beat your ass on the car and go

17:37

praise god me and that's precisely

17:40

had one you know at

17:42

just are absent and p one time

17:45

the not before she had hit

17:47

me so hard in my mouth that it had

17:50

cut the inside of my layup because i'm a to

17:52

you know it at the bottom teeth and

17:55

i'll sit in the pew and she was you spend

17:57

enough brazen jesus and i'm in bridges

17:59

look and

18:00

the hundred think and so much anger

18:02

do you even know what would you did

18:04

to me last night yeah that's that's

18:07

a lot of emotions as a child to be going

18:09

through our was

18:10

there was horrible so i did

18:12

everything i could to can

18:14

stay away from the home right

18:16

you know when skull was out and throw my book

18:19

bag on the couch adored out the door on

18:22

because

18:23

when i was in first grade on

18:25

the bus admit my friend sarah

18:27

my childhood friend sarah on

18:30

and we met that day and we found that we lived

18:33

for houses down from one another and

18:35

that was it will have and we've been friends

18:37

almost forty years later on

18:39

the her mama miss ginny

18:42

everything can make now see

18:46

he did everything see

18:48

you know when i got my period for the

18:50

first time i went to her you know

18:53

when i was fifteen in was

18:55

worried i was pregnant i went to miss

18:57

jenny you know i she was

18:59

the mama that are so

19:01

very much wish i had when

19:03

i went home everyday on

19:05

god sent you an angel out she was

19:07

a complete substitutes of a mother

19:10

to me noon and

19:12

my mother of was getting that

19:15

the feeling of that and she didn't like

19:17

anybody to be better than hard she

19:19

didn't like anybody to know what

19:21

she did behind closed doors

19:24

she was always very afraid

19:26

of what people were saying can have her and

19:28

always thought someone was talking bad

19:30

about or cells i she has narcissism

19:33

to oh terribly one

19:35

hundred percent young so then

19:37

she would try to from beard me you

19:40

know having former have former have fran

19:42

down the well because because i brought you

19:44

happiness yeah she can fantasy you

19:46

have here is she she didn't make sense

19:48

she

19:49

didn't want me to tell people my

19:52

story when i was little you know why

19:54

did i have this bruise on may lobbyists

19:57

you know on she didn't want

20:01

that is so wild how that

20:03

really affected her about

20:06

how bad she didn't want people

20:08

to think

20:09

that she was a bad person or

20:12

i hate uses word you know crazy

20:14

right that is she would go out of

20:16

her way to try to be

20:18

a different person and fun of them said that

20:20

they couldn't find something bad to say

20:23

narcissus hate on somebody

20:25

else pain exposing them and

20:27

painting a picture of who they really are because

20:30

they they built up so many personalities

20:33

they're like puppeteers you know so it's

20:35

like behind the curtain they don't want

20:37

people to know what's going on behind the curtain they want

20:39

it to seem like they're just as perfect packers

20:42

rump all their shit together when really there's

20:44

a falling a better very very train

20:46

so i heard you mention and i am

20:49

you thought that you are pregnant at fifteen

20:51

as you started getting older due

20:54

to the abuse continue up into your team

20:56

i'm okay so idiot white

20:58

beard now did you ever think

21:00

as a fight back because i finally died well that's

21:02

what i was getting outside dad died

21:05

when i was thirteen oh now

21:07

and

21:08

that entire year after

21:10

he passed on it really say my mom my

21:14

heart goes out to her

21:16

because and get emotional even

21:18

thinking about this because god forbid

21:20

some happen to my husband a day i

21:22

wouldn't know it's very ah abu probably

21:25

do the same thing though she

21:27

just kind of disappeared to her room

21:30

the you know didn't wake me up for school didn't

21:32

cook didn't do anything wow

21:35

i wanted to say her for weight

21:38

from sometimes months at a time now course

21:40

i don't know if she come out of that room labs at

21:42

school you know blake when i came

21:44

home if if i tried to open net bedroom

21:46

door

21:47

that holiday you know in she

21:50

has suffered from depression

21:52

her entire life again life

21:54

feel for her with that right

21:58

i cannot imagine what she

22:00

went through get mad

22:02

phone call brian

22:06

your husband just at heart attack a

22:08

fat ever get something like

22:10

that out i would be the same boat

22:13

i couldn't imagine how i i

22:15

will never ever hold this area

22:17

against her the quarterback that

22:19

speaks volumes of you your

22:22

advice would say i am like the

22:24

hard not to cry over

22:25

that speaks volumes of

22:28

the human that you are that this woman has put

22:30

you through so much pain and summit hurt

22:32

and use and still have so much love

22:34

and compassion label have to

22:38

in you know i don't have

22:40

time to be angry and bitter

22:42

and frustrated just because i got dale

22:44

got dale a shitty hands in my last

22:47

you know how long it takes so much more

22:49

energy to just be that way when

22:51

you can just you know continue been

22:53

a blast and the somebody else is latvia you

22:55

know on our am over here

22:57

right and here so bad i say does this

22:59

israeli like touches home like i've

23:01

i've can really relate to your story

23:04

is your last yeah it's crazy

23:07

though so i didn't see her for

23:09

i'm i would say about a year how did

23:12

your dad passing away as sexy as or

23:14

i'm okay so like i mentioned earlier

23:17

he owned a car dealership and

23:19

if he used cars and he had

23:21

just an amazing reputation in

23:23

immobile for be and you know a

23:26

used car lot on

23:28

able go out of this way for families

23:31

there was his family that showed that one time

23:34

they had just enough money for the car

23:36

and my dad

23:37

it not depressed down then drugs card

23:40

to the gas station next door fielded up

23:42

for liking my daddy was

23:44

the main on planet i'm so

23:47

he had a wonderful business one for business

23:49

ah they he refused to buy local

23:52

he did not trust the vehicles arm

23:55

and that's probably why has such good reputation

23:57

you know so every monday he'd fly

24:00

or immobile are stealing pensacola

24:03

and fly to st petersburg in florida

24:05

and he purchased from ah

24:08

those big options down there in florida

24:10

and then he would have been speed bagels

24:12

transported on one of those transport

24:15

drugs well

24:17

and he had been hired as a smoker

24:19

mental asylum lot one hundred and

24:22

he'd been calls him for about three weeks a call

24:25

just wouldn't go why i won't go

24:27

away ah , goes to the doctor

24:29

and he told that he's got congestive

24:32

heart failure failure from

24:34

what we understand that doctor told him

24:36

he's got to take some time off work

24:38

via been used you've got to relaxed

24:41

euro relaxed workaholic your heart is

24:44

not doing good less not doing some time

24:46

off treat your body guy he took about two

24:48

weeks out

24:50

yeah need go by get there and given colors

24:53

will my mama as and to take my

24:55

brother winning you know my dad son

24:57

from a previous marriage my brother bryan on

25:00

and my daddy said no said no i'll

25:02

go i'll be fine don't worry about it monday

25:06

we get a call thursday in this is

25:09

about two hours pass the time

25:11

he supposed to be home and course

25:13

my mama just saudi which is run and like

25:16

and we get a phone call not answer it in

25:18

it's my grandfather which is my father's

25:21

day and on and

25:23

he said i'll be on leader

25:25

and it helps your mama and i said okay

25:27

the season around when around when

25:29

levy as a while under my

25:31

grandpa great and that like to grandpa

25:34

and he said on them topped your mom is serious

25:36

and i'm thinking

25:38

okay enough thirteen that that is

25:40

not what's gonna cross my mind

25:43

i go in there and i opened the door and i

25:45

said mama my grandpa's on the phone and

25:47

i just kind of left the door cracked because

25:50

i was going to listen to the phone conversation yeah

25:52

i'm we all did that as kids and

25:55

mama set up on the edge of the bed

25:58

and i could see her back

26:00

the phone at the mets fan and all

26:02

of a sudden with about ten seconds

26:04

she starts screaming via

26:06

no no

26:09

then i open the door again and

26:11

i said mama would is it with

26:14

out in and out on hold a grudge

26:16

against this is act again and

26:18

really put myself in a she she just turned

26:21

around and screamed your daddy

26:23

is david and the

26:25

start crying and screen

26:27

i'm just really on the phone you

26:30

know with with my grandpa joe and i doubt

26:33

that religious hear that the

26:35

lasted they're just in in shock

26:38

waited till she got off the phone and i

26:41

really don't remember what happened

26:43

after day disassociated other

26:45

than i do know that that

26:48

was the one that shows to call

26:50

my sister my dad's first

26:52

child on , mother

26:55

hated her for all the wrong reasons

26:57

reasons she didn't i did you did like

27:00

or am i was the one

27:02

that did call my call and

27:04

hasta and have to and on

27:07

it he got how endured thirteen

27:09

thirteen hey dad early

27:12

december fifteen nineteen ninety four

27:14

so ripe for christmas so

27:18

i don't only member pieces the

27:20

few wrong ah i remember

27:23

my during the and to attack as i had outgrown

27:26

it you know our member just these tiny

27:29

little unimportant things about disassociated

27:32

because our under so much trauma that your

27:34

brain does can handle air he pretty

27:36

much like your brain just fragmented the

27:39

cope and

27:39

the able to get through life year in that moment

27:42

and i still i still do that

27:44

today there are so many things

27:46

that i have forgotten about that and even

27:48

went through until , just

27:50

driving down the road and of send a memory just

27:52

pops a mama you know i'm

27:56

a member there is a lot of people at that

27:58

funeral because he was so well

28:00

love

28:01

in our community he just can't

28:04

have been over backwards from just everybody

28:07

you know he always i'm like an amazing man

28:09

he always he was perfect june

28:11

eighth said that hell so

28:14

blessed

28:15

he enjoyed life and other people you

28:18

know he ended signed by from his ginning

28:20

you know gave our car for almost

28:22

nothing you know he just would do

28:24

anything for anybody but i'm

28:26

so yeah i didn't see her for

28:28

about a year i just contained you get not gone

28:31

school

28:31

the morning you know i set my alarm

28:34

clock in that

28:37

up i rode the bus and

28:39

then i get into middle school has

28:41

all the highlight deal with so much

28:44

in such a sort of sorts tired of your

28:46

life you know i just can't imagine just all

28:49

, way on your shoulders as a child's of

28:51

knowing that you have to get up and be responsible for yourself

28:53

that you have to be like when you're doing it manly

28:55

dog don't even like a bad man on you

28:58

just you just do what i literally

29:00

just do it because that's your

29:02

last and you don't think oh this is gonna

29:04

be hard or a washington they do

29:06

on that you you just serve via via

29:09

via mail and sometimes just

29:11

exist and

29:14

by you know so i'm turning fourteen

29:17

and , getting the sale of middle school now

29:19

and bullies and attention

29:21

then you know what

29:23

it looks like the go to a party

29:26

and all that and then edges

29:28

things changed or things

29:31

change i i'm

29:33

, smoking i started

29:35

smoking marijuana way the

29:37

devil's grass i you know just

29:40

stupid stuff yeah stupid stuff

29:42

but your that's normal that's what all teenagers

29:45

go through oh of co are you know i started

29:47

doing that stuff about it i left home at fourteen

29:49

and never went back so are

29:51

you know i imagine what i did on the streets of vegas

29:54

yeah we were doing the snorting

29:57

glass and i mean doing crazy shit

29:59

so yeah i totally get it but that's as

30:01

a teenager especially after all the trauma you've been

30:03

through you're looking for an outlet

30:06

the if that is all you're doing the are

30:08

looking for

30:10

anyway you can the as he were leaves

30:13

whatever it is your been absolutely

30:15

so because i feel like because i wouldn't

30:17

get in

30:20

the nurturing and the love

30:22

in the attention from

30:24

nobody else you know a vicious

30:27

me and higher in their home the

30:30

at me and her and

30:32

i couldn't talk to her i couldn't i

30:35

couldn't do anything with higher on

30:38

he get

30:40

physical with me

30:43

when i'm about fourteen fourteen and

30:45

a half ah i don't

30:47

remember what it was but that was

30:49

the first time and i had

30:51

felt bad i

30:53

pushed her

30:55

over the coffee table good for the on

30:57

for the i thought i would remain until i would make

30:59

fun still i was just a woman

31:02

her away from maine right he just

31:04

had a not get alpha me

31:06

yeah is is where that come from yes

31:08

yeah and when i did that i

31:11

don't think she messed with made physical

31:15

again really ah not like a bully

31:18

and i think she ever did i think it was

31:20

oh okay she's my says now i

31:23

can't control her nail physically

31:26

you know i think it probably resonated will her

31:28

like all okay i may not need

31:30

to do that now rounds on

31:34

so are doing it she got

31:36

up and she walked off and

31:38

i walked out the house and you know batman

31:40

the witten cell phones or social

31:42

media we all had them pagers hundred and your

31:44

the vaporizers success on the codes

31:47

what the code yeah i'd walked

31:49

to the neighbor's house and cosmetic come

31:51

get me an awning like i come

31:54

home for like one or two weeks and i still

31:56

went to school i say to my friend's

31:58

house as the school was there very

32:00

important in a few their employees me then

32:04

a time fifteen you know this is you

32:06

know kutner saying a little bit shorter you know we'll

32:08

have our time and world every move or when

32:10

i'm loving your stories are you take your time

32:13

so , fifteen now

32:15

now make this boeing lord have mercy

32:18

phone though he knew he was

32:20

just

32:23

hey yo lowered as sailema

32:25

and this was an ice allows he that

32:27

varela on are

32:30

you arda ad

32:33

i have sex not thank

32:35

and not knowing if

32:37

i could be life changing you know you're not

32:39

thinking that at the moment it's the attention

32:41

that your get a selection of need

32:44

that is a lot of it it's all

32:46

of that that you're missing your just get ever make

32:48

you that you're not about person you'd literally

32:50

have been through a lot of set your kid that's experimenting

32:53

what you what your yeah he is normal for

32:56

you know a child that's been there all the shit out of the resigned

32:58

slave what the hell is happening now i'm

33:01

there were so it it and see what's crazy

33:04

is than i didn't know anything about

33:06

the symptoms added know what does

33:08

he regret the first time he had said ah

33:12

i have i have story to i ended up happening

33:14

at it and abortion because i was the

33:16

on the streets

33:17

the show yeah i'm

33:20

that's crazy that the same exact thing on how

33:22

many are sorry they're so eerily similar

33:24

it's crazy idea

33:26

but

33:28

you'd you know where my

33:30

daughter was sixteen seventeen

33:33

you know we had our had our had dead

33:35

on tokes riot you know i have

33:37

hi i'm a bally with bay on a a flight

33:39

i try to keep the lines i'd

33:42

have to do everything that my set mom did not do

33:44

with me you know and break every last

33:47

emotional trauma that i ever

33:49

went through in every generation or curse you know

33:51

and with bailey i try to tell her everything

33:54

you know like we will ship if anything

33:56

happens she handles has and talks to me and

33:58

just like you i couldn't talk to my

34:00

my step mom like that because i never knew

34:03

what had a mood she would be an are you not to

34:05

have never diagnosed with you in first her

34:07

at all and if he did anything wrong the whole

34:10

family and knew about it like it was as one

34:12

of those things you know i'm

34:14

so you have sex for the first time

34:17

he get pregnant get pregnant

34:19

had not had no idea no idea

34:22

though what what happens

34:24

in what made me okay

34:26

wait a minute here was what's happening to

34:29

my body i got my period

34:31

i think when i was like twelve twelve and have that

34:33

was first time i got my period yeah and as

34:35

a honda because the i agree on that as it

34:37

is it's hilarious and but

34:40

woke up that morning and like it

34:42

was on a saturday something like that and

34:45

, boobs were so

34:47

so what what from the time

34:49

i i first got my cycle i had never

34:51

had that sent sent them now sword

34:53

in today's for start my periods

34:56

like wranglers he does an

34:58

app that tracks everything in my life ever met

35:01

system around thank him was

35:03

going on here didn't think anything

35:05

about it the term my

35:08

friend sarah mission his daughter

35:10

was pregnant

35:12

about six months i think month

35:14

alone and

35:16

and i ended up call herself my

35:19

, certain what what did i

35:21

did i like pull the muslims she said

35:23

said okay you know their

35:25

view and garrett you have job in heaven sakes

35:28

are doing i was like know and

35:30

i said into a said no she's

35:32

are you sure and i said no

35:34

and i mean i don't live in them like they're

35:37

dead okay i'm coming to get

35:39

you the saying is miss ginny

35:41

worked at a clinic oh

35:43

a pregnancy test clinic wow

35:45

i'm now i was christian base

35:48

so there are there are of signs and they are

35:50

lot of anti abortion

35:52

and all of that stuff and on

35:55

but because she worked there and

35:58

you know she can bring test more i could come

36:00

they are on though

36:03

i ended up going to miss skinny

36:05

and make any gives me a test and

36:08

as on white known that she comes back in there she

36:10

says you know well would you do

36:13

you know if if if you're not pregnant

36:15

this has to be a scare tactic

36:18

new you've got to do things a little differently

36:20

with your life now don't you think you

36:22

know was not scold in maine has of

36:24

but have been i understand hey

36:27

i might if this is a negative

36:29

this is a good thing and anita and is like

36:31

your messiah susanna mom's he was their

36:33

mama i'm so we

36:35

have learned a little conversation

36:38

you know ten fifteen minutes and on

36:41

she said okay while the bag and she comes

36:43

back in there and he says you're pregnant

36:46

in warden

36:48

scared or was it i

36:52

think i wasn't

36:54

the war then register and how

36:56

serious this situation

36:58

one for fifteen

37:00

year old right because it is no

37:03

not at a huge on

37:05

there were said okay as it it just

37:07

like that okay

37:10

and she said but now we've got to go tell your

37:12

mama

37:13

cause you know you need to go to the doctor

37:15

you need to you know make arrangements

37:18

for things and

37:20

my mother is extremely

37:22

religious so

37:25

you know andy , off the bat

37:27

abortion was not going to be something

37:29

that my little selfless gonna do re

37:32

on now i am a christian

37:34

but i'm also pro choice i

37:36

would have never

37:38

you have to be no i am i got

37:40

a daughter run around the world and i won't

37:42

madame daughter the has a freakin

37:45

showing of buying i get have gone back

37:47

in time and not got the that what happened

37:49

was i didn't i ended

37:51

up getting the abortion they didn't give me enough medication

37:53

i was awake the whole time so i thought them ripping

37:55

the baby from my body and as cry

37:58

in town and saab and they wouldn't stop while

38:00

the doctor and a that messing up something inside

38:02

of me i'm and i had to

38:04

act topic pregnancies after that really

38:07

yeah so i paid for my

38:09

choice as anything that i've

38:11

ever done in my life that i've ever felt that i

38:13

shouldn't do and i still did it i

38:15

always my karma always comes

38:17

back around and think you know i was

38:19

get taught my lesson but i was a you

38:21

know the baby i didn't know what was happening

38:23

and i was pressured by the guy that i got pregnant

38:25

my and you know it was

38:28

says i was living on the streets i was a

38:30

runaway you know so like i

38:32

was the hell the used it was it

38:34

gonna do you know but i one hundred percent

38:36

respect your decision your decision what you did

38:38

was amazing and brave to

38:40

do at fifteen yeah it's

38:43

i mean even though even though

38:45

in in a high talking about politics the dishes

38:47

this is important and they get a novelty

38:49

ally i feel like

38:51

i'm a good representation

38:54

what a real christian that line you

38:56

know on

38:58

abortion for made probably not just

39:00

as i'm an old safety while men and i'm

39:03

in a different situation

39:05

then someone who has to make a decision like

39:07

say at her i've never been in

39:09

something like that ray you know on

39:12

and truth be told nobody likes abortion

39:14

nobody

39:16

the people who have to go through that

39:18

again even imagine you know but

39:20

i think the government needs to stay other people's

39:22

business on the say they hang out of holding of

39:24

happening and taxes in an

39:26

illinois right as it or that i see yeah

39:28

thus if we might see there's

39:31

a lot of i'm

39:32

things i would love to speak about on that's

39:35

who i just don't understand it and i think a woman's

39:37

body as you know her body

39:39

and if what if somebody gets raped or

39:42

not and how their store and when

39:44

i'm not allowed there's just so many

39:47

how many scenarios not like it away

39:49

it's not block away as literally there's so much gray

39:52

area in what they're doing i

39:54

think as does not raise it

39:57

just wasn't in the cards for

39:59

me right

40:00

yeah when you told your mom that you are pregnant

40:02

how did that go the

40:04

through a bible at my stomach

40:08

she was stand in iowa accent publicity

40:10

just like they have i'm and she'd

40:12

standing in front of me

40:14

because i walked in the lower numbers

40:16

genie set in that vehicle outside

40:18

i'm so matter your mom to make sure

40:22

the rabbit gonna be safe delivering

40:24

this information because you know your mom was

40:26

because sarah was like just wait

40:28

he starts show and into and i said no

40:31

ah i have to be honest

40:33

and i have to tell her right now and

40:35

on i told her the same day i

40:37

wanted a woman to do everything

40:40

the right way as as sales should

40:42

have been don't know i know i'm

40:44

and i couldn't hold back from

40:47

my mama even though you

40:49

are in a good when he have such an amazing moral

40:51

compass our steal

40:53

her child the

40:56

an hour would certainly be devastated

40:58

if my daughter kept something

41:01

like that funny name

41:03

so i wanted her to know that

41:05

still as her daughter out with

41:07

as a guide her and unneeded hard to know

41:10

is what i needed on

41:12

and i will i've got some detail you and she

41:14

stands and she says would you know are

41:16

no and stayed on ,

41:19

i said i'm pregnant just like

41:21

matt she looks

41:23

at me

41:24

and i don't know see their same on these battles force

41:27

one the big thick bibles their old

41:29

like from the seven days and they

41:31

usually set on people's haven't been able to have

41:33

somebody grandma's have and are hey yes

41:36

she picked up that bible and

41:38

throw it at my stomach the hard

41:40

a cigarette it's harder secret

41:45

and she said you are own your own

41:47

with that bastard child and

41:50

walked away

41:52

and i sat there little bit in shock because

41:54

i'm sitting here as a fifteen year old

41:57

how odd because i was a child

41:59

trainer trying to

42:01

figure out is this a bad thing that

42:04

just happened do i need to go tell

42:06

misogyny is is the baby outright

42:08

like that's when the what i'm thinking because

42:10

you know you don't know this fcc stuff on movies

42:13

and you know pregnant women fall down

42:15

in they lose the baby i'm really

42:18

not thinking of me right i'm thinking

42:20

of this very t tourney

42:22

you know probably six week little baby

42:24

in the inside of me so

42:27

she walked away and went back to the rain

42:29

and rain grabbed my sayings and

42:32

sayings walked out the door non name is danny

42:34

was still be sit now there's a lot and

42:37

i got in the car in she says we

42:39

go on home yes

42:41

ma'am are burn your home

42:43

she didn't say anything in the vehicle

42:46

we just drove his main sarah

42:48

msg any as a bagger up

42:50

to hasn't just what

42:52

looking out the window just clan

42:55

you know because

42:57

i didn't need any saying

42:59

from my mother at that moment

43:02

other this support no

43:05

no money no net and i just needed

43:07

hard to say it can

43:10

be okay i

43:12

never got that you know if

43:14

her but

43:16

i got it from it mister kenny

43:19

my enough get none of the core and

43:21

when we got to her house on

43:25

she gets out of the power and she walks over there

43:27

she says

43:29

okay i love the eminem

43:31

figure this thing out pretty and others

43:33

for miss jenny rail she

43:35

was wonderful

43:37

wonderful you know here she was has

43:40

her own daughter pregnant and sixteen

43:43

and then she's got little ophelia possess which

43:45

i was told no this is the right net it's

43:47

it's time for on her cry

43:49

him suffer first physicists though

43:52

food i mean i know i dated the emotional

43:54

really emotional know it's as

43:56

it's a a you back that

43:59

little girl

44:00

donut yeah that's what happens

44:02

when my pay taxes people

44:04

just they feel and those moments

44:06

and it makes them think that was

44:08

mean when i was seventeen or that was

44:10

me when you do i am

44:13

the are i was say iran or of it's a

44:15

dmr mdr think it's mdr

44:17

therapy on or off you've ever done that they

44:19

have you go back to the child's

44:22

i knew and have these conversations

44:24

with the child and a

44:26

of yourself as yourself know and it's one

44:28

of the most emotional things will ever do but

44:30

it was really freeing one of my

44:33

that my that therapists that as hey i

44:35

can tell me about it

44:37

maybe about three years ago yeah but

44:39

it as had no i think i think that will

44:41

be a little bit too difficult yeah

44:43

we do it when you're ready but i've done i did

44:46

about two sessions other and it so it was just

44:48

such an emotional cleanse that

44:50

i needed and about say probably a relay

44:52

yes and so whenever you're ready

44:55

i would definitely look into that and

44:58

that time for you because yeah i feel like

45:00

he just from you know just the beginning

45:02

of your conversation on the little bit i

45:04

know you're such a i'm your

45:07

lot like me it's like it's doesn't matter what we

45:09

go through we're always gonna per

45:11

other people's emotions before ours

45:13

because ah yes deep down

45:15

inside we don't want to

45:18

hurt and he now so

45:20

and have been on forty

45:23

two and i didn't get depression

45:25

until i was forty years old because of all

45:27

of the abuse and trauma that i didn't deal

45:29

with so the past two years i've been

45:31

on a spiritual journey of just trying

45:34

to heal and jazz either

45:36

way you know whatever tactics i can do

45:38

is sars therapeutic in therapy

45:41

to help with that so i just don't ever want

45:43

it's a hit you like a ton of bricks one day like

45:45

it at me you know i'm

45:48

after you moved to jet miss

45:50

any as did you say there though and why

45:53

brain and i didn't lose their as stayed there

45:55

for a few weeks okay gotcha

45:57

and lance my mother called

45:59

me

46:00

i'm at mister nice house and

46:02

say ed the

46:05

made you a doctor's of the man

46:07

oh and don't come get you because i need to take

46:10

you to the doctor and she was banned

46:12

like a normal mom at the moment and i said okay

46:15

and i was very grateful

46:17

that i just wanted her to love and yes

46:20

no yes lord yeah and

46:23

she did you can get me some is janice

46:26

arm and she took me to my first

46:28

doctor's appointment and

46:31

, was like six and a half away

46:34

on

46:35

then on we left there and i

46:37

went home and tried to you know be

46:39

normal now this was in the summertime

46:42

that i found out i was praying if i'm not

46:44

mistaken that

46:48

when go start

46:50

to happen i think is august

46:52

or september on

46:55

our go in there in the room know things

46:58

are okay there are there okay for

47:00

those those few months right now she's

47:02

still mean and hateful but there was no

47:04

obese physical abuse that were viable

47:07

i would always be there but

47:10

it it it wasn't just so so

47:12

difficult that i needed to get out of there

47:14

it was it was tolerable three now

47:16

on was like a walk in the park for you if you

47:18

organ head blindly for one right

47:21

exactly right but no see it was

47:23

nothing physical during that time was

47:25

right alice plan on

47:28

though but school was bad storm

47:30

and that was the first year

47:33

that mobo county made it

47:35

mandatory four kids

47:38

the wear uniforms you know about

47:40

them or khaki pants white shirt or whatever school

47:42

color yes arm and they'd

47:44

and they'd they did that in they did this year's

47:47

go back in nineteen ninety eight ninety seven

47:49

a thing on was to

47:51

cut the bully and down

47:53

you know not everybody is able to have

47:55

nice clothes and yeah no plain

47:57

clothes and stuff like that

48:00

they felt like okay with all legal were in

48:02

the same thing you have even say now the yeah

48:04

i liked the idea about it was cold but

48:07

ears were my problem balian on

48:10

so when in their my mom's room and i say

48:12

and when my don't do

48:14

about being followed then

48:16

she had i'm not been informed more

48:20

you know we are now my eyes no more as

48:22

she says i'll be damned if

48:25

i go anywhere

48:26

the heck did that maternity uniforms

48:29

you are not going to that school and embarrassing

48:31

their family

48:35

the know easily come out her mouth just

48:37

it was nothing hard to say that they

48:39

hear franken i'll

48:41

be sixteen

48:43

like to wake you know birthdays in september

48:46

i had to go to school you know

48:48

it became huge argument ah

48:51

called my big sister lowry as

48:54

mean large like this on

48:56

and on and lorry can you please help to

48:58

her because if i don't have uniforms

49:01

i can't go to school like i gotta go school

49:03

because honey i don't care what i had

49:05

to do i was gonna be a forensic

49:07

anthropologist knew that was my goal

49:09

that would love a long day i

49:12

was born university in nashville tennessee know that

49:14

runs on go and i'm

49:16

sitting here thinking about get to school what nor

49:18

am i will do you know oh

49:21

my sister gets involved overcomes a huge

49:23

conflict with my mother

49:25

the denmark so i couldn't

49:28

i adapted to the girl

49:30

she let go and sign me up she wouldn't

49:32

do anything there was no at a

49:34

guardian that i had that was connected

49:37

to moscow records on

49:40

i even called misogyny and i said

49:42

can we let me say i live with something

49:45

to get me i did everything i could a machine

49:47

he said you know ophelia i love

49:49

you but i cannot get involved with something

49:51

like that regard and you know your school

49:54

stuff which amount of my mama was terrible

49:56

raise terrible and i understood

49:58

that i would be put misogyny and

50:00

why i'm so i dealt

50:02

with it on where was the father

50:04

of the child during all those i'm when

50:07

i told him i was pregnant

50:09

waste we stayed together and then

50:12

when i was about three months a

50:14

broker adam

50:16

my worries obtained by how i

50:18

got a little and i thought that may

50:20

and ham or we're

50:22

like we are just i mean live in france

50:25

point on here again

50:27

he didn't know what the hell today i mean years or baby

50:29

it didn't he added i have never

50:32

hated hey on i never asked

50:34

for charles the poor and never did nothing

50:36

wrong i just brought this

50:39

young and into this world and

50:41

dessie at any time he would call

50:44

throughout the years to see gets

50:46

and absolutely of course

50:48

you know he will descend

50:50

me for a by he is it a loving

50:53

he just got scared eight and know

50:55

what they'll do and yes

50:58

, figured it out and he could have to

51:00

but he didn't man i'm not male have

51:02

any of these men can just walk away and it's

51:05

not only on he was leaving it

51:07

up and eleven

51:09

it was party

51:11

and you know this time this think he had turned eighteen

51:14

so now uses the big shot on and

51:16

clubs nail him guy on

51:19

oh i'm so angry and oh that bad

51:21

as hated assessor on the

51:23

pregnancy was terrible own

51:26

non are developed preeclampsia

51:30

on at as

51:32

thirty hey wait

51:36

kept going and and preterm labor

51:38

what has pre eclampsia for i'm gonna rain man

51:40

audio might not know what it is

51:43

would there's preeclampsia and then there's taxi

51:45

me i'm actually had both and with my pregnancies

51:48

pre eclampsia is when the blood pressure

51:50

of the mother is ,

51:53

so high work if

51:55

i'm home i'm fine this race creed

51:58

team the bill

52:00

over into the kidneys and

52:02

they're able to see that do or urine

52:04

on the piano know but the blood pressure

52:06

sky rockets and the only

52:09

way to sure mama to

52:11

delivered his baby so

52:13

, mama gets pre eclampsia when she's

52:15

twenty eight weeks pregnant and as

52:18

bad they're gonna have to induce

52:20

you and take that yeah it's really really bad

52:22

v think it's because of all the stress that you are under

52:25

on i asked the doctor that that

52:27

about was a smart question in your am i so

52:29

that office but i knew my daddy had

52:32

amla personally a he says it

52:34

could be he said sometimes

52:37

it just happened spar the momentum

52:39

for mama's he says sometimes

52:41

it's hereditary says sometimes with you there's

52:43

really just no tail and home on

52:46

and i said well what about because i'm yarn

52:48

and he said has none do with it he said

52:50

your age during the pregnancy any

52:53

woman can get pre claimed yeah

52:56

for tackling yeah but desert

52:58

be the only way to save your last

53:00

is to induce the labour arm

53:03

and have and c section or if they feel

53:05

your okay to have to have birth they'll they'll

53:07

do then move on i

53:10

had went into preterm labor several

53:12

times open to that point i was

53:14

constantly

53:16

the and taken to the to the a are my mother

53:19

constantly taking me to the are just

53:21

drop me off on getting them

53:23

dead check everything out you know the

53:27

and we

53:29

were out yard sale on one saturday then

53:32

i didn't feel right

53:35

look in the mirror in the you know that pull

53:37

down there in the karma face was very puffy

53:40

on on notice my fate or

53:42

swell and i had read that book what to

53:44

expect why your expect and so i knew

53:46

the feet swell and was gonna

53:48

be more of a bigger a she wants later

53:51

and my pregnancy but i the

53:53

two

53:54

he wakes i'm thinking okay with that might not be

53:56

a good sign saw tell mama

53:59

said

54:00

i don't feel right something don't feel right

54:02

with me i don't i don't i don't feel good

54:04

so she says are you haven't the braxton

54:07

hicks again are you having contractions

54:09

again on and as said

54:12

i don't think so our i don't think

54:14

so because i didn't really know what

54:16

what

54:17

feel like rhinos your for an

54:19

anti h time that i had

54:21

went into which i think was about

54:23

four times prior to the as

54:25

my uterus was not contract

54:27

in from me to recognize what a contraction

54:30

was way i had just had severe

54:32

pressure down below which

54:35

they said you know that that there's

54:37

a part of a contraction but i wasn't

54:40

i didn't know enough about a contraction

54:42

to know that was part

54:44

of that right so those are the times and

54:46

when and preterm labor my stomach never

54:48

contract of a never had braxton hicks i

54:50

had other symptoms that was

54:53

diagnosed as preterm labor so

54:55

this time as felt masdar

54:58

may get and hard

55:00

so young that i didn't know that was

55:02

a contraction ray know

55:06

yeah i said i just don't feel right

55:08

can you can you take me she those

55:10

say it she was romain about it and

55:13

she's a while take out just drop yards and i'm

55:15

thinking of myself as far as as which he always

55:17

do re you know we'll see dropped

55:19

me off and they hadn't

55:21

heard back

55:22

they get a urine sample from the because when the

55:24

nurse while and she said how

55:26

long as your face been well

55:29

on my and i said year you know cause

55:31

undue on they immediately

55:33

ordered the urine piss

55:36

they had

55:37

they said they already thought this will fight break

55:39

lengthy ryan frequency in

55:42

nice hasn't shown us ah is what

55:44

about two hours the dark came in he

55:46

said okay low lighting i've got

55:48

hindu sure labour on you

55:51

have you have bad case of preeclampsia

55:53

on so the have to take his baby

55:56

right now that save to do

55:58

i owe him well yeah i

56:00

mean it's people get in the beginning

56:02

does our time yeah it's it's very safe

56:05

ah it's normal yeah on

56:07

it now i don't know what it feels like

56:09

to just naturally government and my friends at

56:11

all and they had a mile and desert a boy out

56:13

mostly knives or a as is now

56:15

loves all four were induce okay

56:18

because of pre eclampsia or

56:20

talks name yards

56:22

oh i said okay i'm okay

56:25

you know and i called my mama

56:27

in she said okay then

56:30

i didn't play her until

56:32

you know after the baby was born but only

56:34

did it all by yourself oh yeah with

56:37

a nurse i fell

56:39

in love with

56:41

were so good to me through

56:43

the whole thing on

56:45

i used to go and see her every year on my

56:47

friend's birthday i'd take him to

56:49

the go through her ah yes

56:51

as is just made that nurse the

56:53

doctors and nurses and i delivered

56:56

him on

56:58

for a brief moment they thought there were

57:00

gonna have to do as the syrian

57:04

but , took a turn for the better

57:06

and i was able to just push

57:08

that little three pounds baby aerial

57:10

my davis the size of my

57:13

my is so tiny as like a

57:15

puppy ah and a little a

57:19

hey came out looking just like his father

57:22

in all of my a really really

57:24

lowers after all this said this is what i

57:26

got ideas on that moment

57:28

after you gave birth how did you feel

57:30

that you feel the love that everybody says

57:32

this blissful moment now i

57:35

feel any of that i told you don't come don't his pocket

57:37

and because they see on know

57:39

i was exhausted ah and then i

57:42

was like was given plenty more you know the

57:44

idea more you i was

57:46

sixteen

57:48

the are not realize and on

57:50

i'm legit a mama don't read salinger

57:53

didn't really calm and tail

57:56

on after act unfortunately

57:58

after i had him

58:01

i had a seizure due to the free claim

58:03

on were gonna so i had to end up and as

58:05

a use for lobbyists after

58:08

, am so he was being taken

58:10

well taken care of man nurses

58:12

while i was you know you tory at the hearing

58:15

room on so once i was

58:17

able come out of their move to a normal room

58:20

and they brought him in there to me then it was

58:22

that okay he's all my news

58:24

online ah ah

58:26

what happens after this have you

58:28

have the baby do you go back home and

58:30

do go back home and

58:33

as i've told many stories

58:35

about you know thing said happened after

58:38

that on muscles and main mainly on the picked

58:40

up to a touch on i'm a little bit on case

58:42

of people this is their first time he's yeah

58:44

because especially since i've

58:46

brought up misogyny on

58:49

because i was out in about with my mama

58:52

that day the

58:54

yard helen then i go

58:56

into preterm labor

58:59

her drop me off but don't come back

59:01

until ahead in pill in was time

59:03

to be discharged sort , has

59:05

anything and he had no champagne

59:08

nobody was no bursa i

59:10

have anything on i called

59:12

my mama after i'd gotten out of as

59:15

out of is i was in their few days and

59:18

i called my mama and i say can you

59:20

bring me some hunting stuff

59:22

you know i am a version

59:25

of then she told me know okay

59:28

you know the couple hours

59:31

later after i called

59:33

miss ginning

59:35

nasa mission even come see the baby detained

59:37

she said course and common of course i'm clumsy

59:39

that baby

59:41

then on i said well can you

59:43

say is sarah can bring me

59:45

like a pair of shorts

59:48

or shall i said i'm not have any time here not

59:50

it and say anything i didn't say

59:52

and i'll have to person us are just they can they s

59:55

air should bring missed air few close

59:57

missed can sleeping comfortably on

59:59

and she the course i will for

1:00:01

me any shows up

1:00:03

the hospital walks in the door with his big

1:00:05

all basket and in that basket

1:00:07

was body was to version

1:00:10

everything i needed to get myself

1:00:12

back together know said mission had you

1:00:14

know i needed all that she said

1:00:17

honey your mama dropped you off with nothing so

1:00:19

i came back with everything now hutton

1:00:23

see he always came

1:00:26

those moments that i needed

1:00:28

are you know is wrong because

1:00:30

i'm on new to the mom that

1:00:32

you weren't given she thought

1:00:34

she burst me near as how good

1:00:37

she was she was to me but

1:00:39

me but i'd i'd go home i remember

1:00:43

the and wailed added the hospital on

1:00:47

and i was held me so tiny so

1:00:49

tiny now he was so little

1:00:52

you know he had to stay in there a few weeks

1:00:54

away so little then he had

1:00:56

to have surgery

1:00:58

no and are because he had paddlers

1:01:00

the nicest colors and isis

1:01:02

is like this muscle between

1:01:05

the a saucer guess in the stomach

1:01:07

that my exit wire

1:01:09

the formula comes out projectile

1:01:12

whenever , you have

1:01:14

a baby you'll always hear peterson loki

1:01:17

look for these things if you say this you

1:01:19

need brenda by be back in that's one of that because

1:01:22

the projectile vomit ten had

1:01:24

main power lord the nurses right

1:01:26

arm and sure enough i paid attention

1:01:29

and ain't seen him in the hospital after

1:01:32

i'd called i'm in there i'm said hey this came

1:01:34

out like the pulsar gas this

1:01:37

a right right and lay eggs right

1:01:39

and sure enough he had pellets and they have

1:01:41

any had to have surgery arms

1:01:43

but the day we were late then they

1:01:45

will a me out now how they minutes

1:01:49

no lie i looked down and as

1:01:52

cold as said i'm gonna do everything

1:01:54

i can to keep this baby safe

1:01:58

and happy and healthy and

1:02:01

so much better than monaghan

1:02:03

because you know we had

1:02:05

the finances we had been for home

1:02:08

and the nascar and i had mass

1:02:10

close irene being alone it mature

1:02:13

was great i just didn't

1:02:15

have the only thing i needed would love

1:02:17

which was that love you know he

1:02:19

picked you though you know anderson

1:02:22

picture he knew he needed how he saved

1:02:24

me and he he preferred only have

1:02:26

any idea because i know

1:02:29

is that the one that i met okay my

1:02:31

oldest one iphone for twenty four years

1:02:33

ago i had him but i you know

1:02:36

i don't even think those young and know

1:02:39

how bad it was for me there because

1:02:42

i don't i don't want

1:02:44

i'm only want the memories or of mckellen

1:02:47

this rain in their minds ray

1:02:49

you know where you've guarded them so much because

1:02:51

you know he just didn't want them to ever hurt like

1:02:53

you did ever or have a you

1:02:55

know

1:02:57

so what happens now after you have the

1:02:59

baby go back home what

1:03:01

happens now yeah i'm i go home

1:03:03

you know i'm and it

1:03:05

was battle know maybe

1:03:08

her three days i and i could have the time frame

1:03:10

messed up because at this is i had terrible ptsd

1:03:13

from all of this mess but ah

1:03:15

the not merely law even through some said

1:03:19

my , lazing go somewhere

1:03:21

i wanna say maybe seem shop and and

1:03:23

even now the

1:03:26

i'm in my room and i'm i'm feeding

1:03:28

the baby and singles and

1:03:32

he come said the delaware

1:03:35

the japan nowhere she opens

1:03:37

the door and she says you need to leave

1:03:40

and her you know why she says

1:03:42

i don't want you there anymore

1:03:44

i don't want you or that bastard here anymore

1:03:46

she would always call my baby

1:03:49

bastard like i kid i kid physically

1:03:52

harm combining today

1:03:54

talon now that i

1:03:57

don't ever grow to learn

1:04:00

there's that word in her in

1:04:02

referring to my baby is that but it

1:04:05

infuriated me but i knew i

1:04:07

could tell by her eyes i could tell by her face

1:04:10

she was in was manic episode though

1:04:12

episode had learned throughout the years when to

1:04:15

don't say nothing for

1:04:17

a don't

1:04:18

don't fight back room agree

1:04:21

and walk away keep the peace

1:04:23

yeah you need to be size redoubt else

1:04:25

yeah there is a day be right here ray

1:04:27

we need besides ran so

1:04:29

i i just said okay the

1:04:32

like that i said okay and

1:04:34

i went to get some stuff and she said no

1:04:36

you're not taking any of this because i paid for

1:04:38

this

1:04:39

where does an evil shit of eva

1:04:42

about one i want honey then i

1:04:44

put the baby and corsi

1:04:46

which she didn't pay for i

1:04:49

had gotten add a baby shower

1:04:51

on that i had was given

1:04:55

i grabbed baby out in have no clothes

1:04:57

or grab what i could see it in

1:04:59

his diaper bag what i can

1:05:01

sit in there and again there were no

1:05:03

cellphones back then when

1:05:06

i went to the use the phone in the kitchen

1:05:09

she was right behind me and she snatched it

1:05:11

ran out of my hand very aggressively again

1:05:15

i knew that if i did anything

1:05:17

this would escalate ray and

1:05:19

she could harm despite the rain

1:05:21

and rain already dying early dying the mom

1:05:24

i need to get out that house with that baby new

1:05:26

and needed and day

1:05:28

though after she snatches the phone and

1:05:30

this is this was i don't think

1:05:32

don't think ever been so

1:05:35

afraid and so quiet

1:05:37

and eighty of her episodes as

1:05:39

i was at this moment on

1:05:42

this one and it was because this baby was here

1:05:46

grab car seat and i walked out that

1:05:48

damn door

1:05:49

now our nearest neighbor was about

1:05:51

a mile and a half the they were

1:05:53

wooded areas between us and

1:05:56

i look like carrier and

1:05:58

i want to my neighbor's house where

1:06:00

my friend amanda lived

1:06:02

i i mean i wasn't crying i was upset

1:06:05

a

1:06:06

i was afraid because i didn't know if she was

1:06:08

going to come behind me and the vehicle and trying

1:06:10

to run a i just didn't know you don't trust

1:06:12

her it was the look on her i

1:06:15

if the look on her face it was

1:06:17

i've never seen a call it a shark eyes

1:06:19

they look like sharks whenever

1:06:22

they get like that the her eyes in general

1:06:24

were traumatizing enough right

1:06:26

in my feelings were right she was

1:06:29

stay tuned to next week's episode

1:06:31

so you would have been hard to have dumped

1:06:33

long podcast