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to monday.com. Will

1:28

Trat, new Tuesday's 8-7c on

1:31

ABC and stream on Hulu. Welcome

1:36

back to Dum Dum's and Dragons where

1:38

improvisers who've never role played before journey

1:40

into the world of Dungeons and Dragons.

1:43

I am the great wizard Bukake, your

1:45

host. Our heroes are finally

1:47

hitting the road. Butthole won

1:49

over their squad of Hammers by teaching

1:51

them how to be blackmail proof. Gartok

1:53

spoke so eloquently about therapy he declared

1:56

himself a public speaker and Quiddy only

1:58

mildly alienated the group of souls. What

2:01

will happen after our hero

2:03

Sea Captain plant in the

2:06

time I got this on

2:08

Saw.zan. Ah,

2:14

You have a night in a glamping

2:16

tense says having to seen Captain Plan

2:18

to your fly over a dark moonlit

2:21

night sky off on some adventure or

2:23

unbeknownst to you this review turning for

2:25

the evening in Reginald's Glamping Times which

2:28

is fancy Sakai inside I have not

2:30

paid to throw that out yet is

2:32

and I don't have a. Ah,

2:35

wherever you are raven lot

2:38

though. I'm happy to jump

2:40

to the next morning but I also didn't want

2:42

deprive you of us have an evening if this

2:44

review want to do anything or talk when I

2:46

think given that it has been awhile since you've

2:48

been alone together in not a castle without the

2:50

weight of state upon your i've see of more

2:52

travel heads will be positive road talk time but

2:55

knowing that that is a public space in the

2:57

zoo private space and want to make sure we

2:59

we left some room for that. Timbers.

3:02

Own sleep. Or

3:04

you're about to drop something that are as I

3:07

mean backlog bird fuck is going to still guard

3:09

Zoc. I get to know that and of nuggets

3:11

in. The good news is no no absolutely not.

3:13

but it's just good for me to remember her

3:15

the I have family and I'm like engaging like

3:17

thing about getting the juniper been gotta hurt us

3:19

and we'll have a sword. Just as was pretty

3:22

didn't. Yet. But. Whole doesn't

3:24

have much to say to guard shocked of ancestry

3:26

as Evans instructions were not. Go talk to the

3:28

goblin who doesn't know who he is. He was

3:30

like connect with your friends we were out for

3:32

of I don't throw them off, I don't I

3:34

don't need an inspirational speech right now like that's

3:36

gotta be cleared a path right now and I'm

3:39

excited for go to the going on For one

3:41

having a quiet moment are a park bench and

3:43

some says it deters recent eat pray like like

3:45

a pony robin setting. I mean I'm not gonna

3:47

want to talk of his friends around as but

3:49

I do and I have It's all they need

3:51

to connect with my friends and I've been outside.

3:54

And. Now I'm realizing. As

3:56

but holy behold wanted. To

3:59

be able to like. Ace around the camp

4:01

and stare at things in the dark

4:03

and just have those breeders. Friend

4:07

in made him the king on this

4:09

trip or now he has to do

4:11

emotional labor for every soldier that's present

4:13

outside, which means he knows they are

4:15

randomly going to approach him which is.

4:18

Honestly would normally be fine to see if they

4:21

randomly want to talk and that's great. He can

4:23

help people need a better life but he still.

4:25

On the second mission as a fucking

4:27

king and now he has no escape

4:29

and inside the tent he just has

4:32

to friends who keep asking him about

4:34

his mental health south this analysis as

4:36

as well as have of on vacation

4:38

do your most of it and I

4:40

played just difference. Yeah so he can't

4:42

leave but he's determined to try to

4:44

have at least one conversation because he

4:46

he was determined cover the question that

4:49

he can ask his friends to be

4:51

like a friend. And

4:53

it's different talking to friends than it is doing

4:55

emotional labor. For employees you want to become people

4:57

who you may also penned up with worshipping you

4:59

with the god. There's a lot of their. Work

5:03

when he's never gonna worship of as a god

5:05

of that's, pretty comfortable with it's own way. So.

5:08

He sits down the suspects of Quinney. Her.

5:10

Question for you that we haven't had a really had

5:12

a chance to like. Talk about his. We been. Busy

5:15

saving thousands of lives and then

5:17

the world. Yeah. Wasn't.

5:19

Like being a dad. Queen.

5:22

Like on packing and like setting up like

5:25

a a bed role kind of thing. Like

5:27

on to like I when I think would

5:29

be like an empty like glamping hand like

5:31

bed frame seamless. Just like taking things that

5:33

have like the glamping Ten linen closet. It's

5:36

like trying to like lemmings I think just

5:38

visiting himself while he talks. And

5:41

pauses one. Of

5:43

my being a dad as. I.

5:47

Don't. Really

5:50

know I'm in a dad for very long. By.

5:52

That like my daughter's already a teenager. The are

5:54

you like that on? I have been a dad

5:56

her entire life. Is it know I was a

5:58

dad? Get a recently. Retroactively, but like you

6:01

became a damn easy to embrace. It is not

6:03

like you're like wasn't a dad the whole time.

6:05

Hard pass like you you leaned. It was going

6:07

to be a. Dick. To this kid,

6:09

know. To. Describe

6:11

being a dad is just not being

6:13

a dick to a kid. I think

6:15

some that are dicks to their kids.

6:17

My my. Style. Of

6:19

was to not do that.

6:21

My dad. you know, Wasn't.

6:24

Wasn't addictive either. I

6:26

know. Maybe you had

6:29

a different experience, sir? Yeah did. Yes,

6:31

yeah. There are a lotta

6:33

Daddy styles at their hands. Mind

6:36

was bad. Yeah yeah. Are you thinking

6:38

about becoming at the Dead? Are innately?

6:40

I have to because I'm the king

6:42

of the kingdom now. See, kind of

6:44

are supposed to have players you'd like

6:46

to. You want that for yourself? I.

6:48

Don't know. That's why I'm asking you how

6:50

being a dad works. How it works.

6:52

I don't know how does it feel would he? I

6:54

know, I how it feels. I don't know how it

6:56

works. I don't either. Likes: My

6:58

all the my dad knows how it works. You.

7:01

Just like seems it is, kind of do what

7:03

you can. For. This little

7:05

person who. Is

7:07

supposed to depend on you and I really kind of

7:10

lettered down. In that way my dad

7:12

my parents in of took our me and

7:14

raised me. Ah and you know. I

7:17

thank them by leaving because.

7:20

Farm. Life was boring and I wanted more.

7:24

Okay, So. Having

7:26

so you having a care like

7:28

being a dad. And.

7:31

Having a son or daughter and I

7:33

like a person, That's all good. So

7:35

that's sort of like the relationship that

7:37

we have. Because. Your a

7:40

little person who I do the best

7:42

for. And then I. you kind

7:44

of depend on me. but whole, you're my friend.

7:46

Your my king years. Oh my God. You organ

7:49

my Dad now so I don't know. I'm just

7:51

saying. it seems like there's a little bit of

7:53

that here may be based on your description. I

7:55

could be wrong. You could be. well, what do

7:57

you think it is? I am I wrong about.

8:00

The I think. Of.

8:03

Home. What are you wrong about?

8:06

How did I miss added? I like what part

8:09

of this is not a dad thinks. or

8:11

maybe I need to know what's not a dead

8:13

because it seems like this match all the things

8:15

you said. we're dead Yeah, but that doesn't necessarily

8:17

just then mean that you're a person's dad

8:19

who think about how many smaller than you people.

8:22

You would wanna take care of. Nambiar

8:25

a tall guy. He. How

8:27

many people that are you gonna be different? Because

8:29

then you actually even need to make an heir apparent

8:31

like I'm I'm your air now. I

8:34

mean no no established that when I died you're

8:36

you're bad at it's he didn't want it anymore.

8:38

so carry my i can do as vibe. Know.

8:40

That about myself? Yeah okay well I'm kind of

8:43

the father to a nation now realistically is muslim

8:45

or shorter than me and I take your pick

8:47

and and I'm sure you wanna think about ah

8:49

but I had not had usually the law work

8:51

I guess I lost know make sense I don't

8:53

know. What? My

8:55

Why you ask me this stuff. And

8:58

told me that I should talk to my friends about

9:00

things and ask them questions. I thought about stuff I

9:02

didn't know about you that we had talked about and

9:04

then it was like being a dad, but you seem

9:06

to be kind of. Not.

9:10

A Dad. Based on this conversation. been in your

9:12

own feeling all they have a good dad I'm

9:14

trying to be. I didn't say how are you

9:17

been a good dad to. Seems like you put

9:19

a lot of judge myself. Betty? Yeah, probably. but

9:21

you know? ah. A like like.

9:24

It's a weird way to find other your father

9:26

of a teenager you know me and her offense

9:28

finding out of this person is related to me.

9:30

yeah it's kind of that can be a ride.

9:33

a little bit scared like an accidental adoption like

9:35

you meet a teenager in the like loops. it's

9:37

make it now. I mean that that that's what

9:39

you did actively but as can help laid out

9:42

for you and so. On.

9:44

The Religion at a bad dead if. The

9:46

kids mom didn't tell you there was a kid.

9:49

Kid's. Mom. Dies. There.

9:53

Are other mom didn't tell me because

9:55

everyone on a shirt adam about everyone

9:57

she hated me but it does. He

9:59

hated. When we were like growing up. Qui.

10:02

The had to be a mom who didn't tell you

10:04

that she was pregnant or had a kid for heard.

10:07

For. Her to-of There's an active not telling that's

10:09

involved in this which means you can be mad

10:11

at yourself or not be in there. There was

10:13

a leaving them to. Did. You know,

10:16

Know. Ah, So.

10:18

Why does that make you a bad guy

10:20

body That's fucking crazy. That's not a choice

10:22

you made that if I somebody else made

10:25

I don't plan to use. I don't think

10:27

I'm a bad guy He said dad because

10:29

your dad's not a guy that was. It

10:31

doesn't make your bed at if you didn't

10:33

know. Step outside of your complete wreck Refusal

10:35

to agree with me on anything just for

10:37

the sake of the thirty second. Okay, Quinn

10:39

says perfect when he says reform, it actually

10:42

ran performance tests are the steps, churches and

10:44

as like agree with me like okay, Deception.

10:47

You set up. Or twenty

10:49

five. Are. At seems

10:52

like you're willing to listen, which is nice. Weight

10:55

when I roll of insight for that timer

10:57

perception of perception, I think. Although

10:59

a if you're reaching out your god powers

11:01

by think you to single title conversation so.

11:05

Okay, that's fine. arms.

11:09

You can't be a bad person for not

11:11

knowing a thing that someone else is actively

11:13

not telling you If I went on vacation.

11:16

Or. Like. Broke. Up with my boyfriend

11:18

or girlfriend or but person and and is like

11:20

took off and then they were like when a

11:22

pregnant but I didn't tell him and then I

11:24

found out like ten years later I can't be

11:27

like I'm a shitty dead when I be in

11:29

there for ten years because they actively didn't tell

11:31

me what was happening and they didn't like send

11:33

a letter. There's a lot of magical ways to

11:35

send messages. damage cellphone letter Raven our well I

11:37

did as a lot of towards is what I'm

11:39

getting. A are smart aren't you could send a

11:42

dog for to go see a with a person

11:44

to deliver a message that's quite popular like their

11:46

magical spell delays and. Things back it was there

11:48

so many ways to to send a message

11:50

to people and it would have found your

11:52

you got kind of famous. Yeah.

11:55

Okay, the name the town after me and

11:57

shit like that. Yeah, Solve.

11:59

your All right, I agree with you. Oh,

12:02

great. However, finding

12:04

out over

12:07

a dozen years after the fact feels bad.

12:12

Oh, I meant to say this could be fun. Let

12:14

me finish. You have regrets

12:16

about time that you didn't

12:18

know that you missed. One

12:22

way to figure out where

12:24

you want to be with that,

12:26

starting at a disadvantage of lost

12:29

time and a relationship that basically

12:31

doesn't exist, is to say,

12:33

like, that's not where I want to be.

12:36

I'm in bad dad

12:38

zone right now. I want to be

12:41

better. I can't be better without acknowledging

12:43

that I'm a step behind. So

12:46

I think I'm a bad dad for now, and

12:48

I'm trying to do better. Does that make sense?

12:53

Yes and no. Here we go. What?

12:57

Okay. You know you're sad right now?

12:59

Yeah. I've been sad for a while. This

13:02

is, like, not how I thought my life would

13:04

go in a lot of ways. Yeah,

13:07

because you get so angry all the time at

13:09

yourself and at other people, and you kind of

13:11

just, like, push people away, but it feels like

13:14

it's really just because you're sad and you're not

13:16

able to express sadness. So then you murdered random

13:18

wizards outside, and I have to make you go

13:20

to confession. Yeah, I went to confession, by the

13:22

way. How'd it go? It was awful.

13:25

It feels about right, especially if you're this

13:27

sad. It was garbage. Why would I want

13:29

to do that again? Well, because you're

13:31

still sad. Because I have to. Yeah, I

13:33

mean, that's why you have to do it, but

13:35

because you need help, buddy. You're

13:37

getting so mad and self-blamey and lashing out, and you

13:39

got to be able to just, like, feel your sad

13:42

and then find new joy once you're sad to resolve. Otherwise,

13:44

you're just going to stay mad forever. Goblin

13:47

Jr. is staring so, just

13:49

daggers at you, butthole, during this, and then

13:52

he goes and finds a mirror and he

13:54

just, like, nudges it up to you on

13:56

the ground. Oh, thank you. Tony,

13:58

look at yourself right now. He

14:00

holds up the mirror. Can you roll the dexterity save? That

14:05

is a dirty

14:07

20. Goblin Junior leaps

14:09

at it, but you're used to keeping things out of a

14:11

dog's way. Yeah, I'm like, no, we're not playing with this

14:14

right now. We'll play Hammers later. Look at yourself, Quitty. Goblin

14:16

Junior just shoots you in gym take, Quitty. I'm just like,

14:18

I tried. I

14:20

get it. Snarf. Yeah,

14:23

beast speech. I'm like, I hear it, right? I'm like, yeah.

14:25

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

14:28

Yeah, you're fine. This

14:30

is not happening, yes. I look at myself in the mirror every

14:32

day. This does not happen by accident, but I'm always looking. Okay.

14:37

I feel like you're looking at yourself, but you're

14:40

not seeing yourself. You're seeing a persona. Uh

14:42

huh. Can you bring the

14:44

mirror a little closer? Yeah. Sure. Slides

14:47

are closer. Closer? Yeah, sure.

14:50

You're gonna start crossing your eyes soon and then you're not gonna

14:52

see two of you and that's a different metaphor. And then I

14:55

just kind of put my hands up on each side of the

14:57

mirror and just like, turn it, spin it like in your hand,

14:59

the hand mirror. So that's a reflective face. Oh, is it reflective

15:01

on the back? It is, yeah. So you can look at this

15:03

side and I'll still see myself on the side. Okay, I'll imagine

15:05

you. You know, you look at

15:07

you talking to me and I'll

15:09

look at me listening to you, but you keep going and saying the things

15:11

that you're saying. Okay.

15:16

Because you're trying to do better, you're

15:19

a good dad. You

15:21

didn't know you had a daughter and that is stinky

15:23

poo poo. You're

15:26

doing the best you can and

15:28

you're protecting her and you're protecting

15:30

your parents and you, Quinnie. It's

15:35

too bad you're sad because you,

15:37

Quinnie, are the handsomest, bestest,

15:40

not son I

15:42

could have. It feels weird saying

15:44

these things to myself because they're really about you, but like,

15:46

okay, I feel like they could apply to you.

15:48

How are you doing, by the way? Well,

15:51

good talk. All right, I'm gonna leave. You can have

15:53

this mirror as a memory of this conversation. Please be

15:55

less sad. Are you serious? Stay

15:57

the same amount as that. About

16:00

what about leaving? Yeah, I don't know

16:02

where I'm gonna go. This is but you're making anything here. This is

16:04

the tent Gonna need an

16:06

opposed check here to see if you can actually trap butthole

16:08

in this so Butthole

16:12

this is probably a I've been

16:15

clashing to Constitution, but that's really more of a physical

16:17

thing I'm just trying to figure out like what he's

16:19

not right. Mangle with this instance so

16:23

Hmm Queenie I would

16:25

take persuasion or honestly at this point

16:28

intimidation Not that you're

16:30

physically threatening him But that I can imagine a

16:32

world where you just follow him around saying things

16:35

My intimidation. Oh, no,

16:37

they're the same actually I but but still Even

16:41

if intimidation was higher, I feel like I'm I'm coming

16:43

from a place of persuasion. I'm not trying to

16:45

like Talk to me or

16:47

else Okay,

16:50

so let's take persuasion from you and

16:52

Ryan let's take an opposed deception check

16:55

from you deception. Okay. Yeah Fuck

16:58

I Got

17:00

a seven on my persuasion. I

17:03

got an eight Yeah,

17:14

and you know not Pete sock this place with

17:16

like the best blanket Weighted

17:18

blanket was also soundproof somehow

17:21

it is fancy as fuck Calvin

17:24

juniors just like that's a fancy

17:26

sad ghost. Yeah, what are you gonna do

17:28

with him? Cuz I'm making no headway. I'm Playing

17:32

fetch hammer. It's where he throws a hammer and

17:34

I get it Then I throw a hammer for him and he gets

17:36

it does he say anything to you to the talk Oh, you didn't

17:38

companionable silence, you know, I think he's I

17:40

think he needs more than companion. Yeah. Yeah. No, no,

17:42

no Yeah, do you see that mirror trick I

17:45

pulled that's pretty good trick. See that

17:47

brought a mirror over was like, hey, that's you Yeah,

17:49

he pointed it at me though. Yeah, I don't have

17:51

a possible thumbs. Don't so much I can do No,

17:53

you alley-oop did it best I turn the mirror. Okay.

17:55

All right. Well, it seems like you've got it on

17:57

lockdown then world's best dad Thanks, man's best friend You

18:01

know I like our chats a lot. Fuck you. And

18:03

he just like- Good night, I like them too. Yeah, he

18:05

farts and goes- He's a piece of shit. He goes over

18:07

and like- Gets under the blanket next to

18:09

Butthold, like gets up on his lap in a large

18:11

dog who thinks he's a small dog way. And

18:14

not in like, I'm here to comfort you, even though

18:16

that's clearly what he's doing. It's just that this is

18:19

my space now. And so he just kind of gets

18:21

in there and this is down. And

18:23

as the night sort of

18:25

descends on the tent, the only

18:27

sound is the screeching of a

18:29

quill as Gartok continues to write

18:31

down all the amazing things he's

18:33

just heard for possible future inspirational

18:36

speeches. I do have to ask,

18:38

can Gartok write? Um,

18:41

yes. Gartok can write. And

18:43

Gartok is reflecting too.

18:47

It's like, ugh, this

18:49

might be challenging since I was willed into

18:51

existence by a changeling in a moment of panic.

18:55

Who is my father? Jesus. And

18:58

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Focus on let's go Listen to

22:19

Avatar Played in the Elements wherever.

22:21

You get your practice. You'll

22:30

spend a are comfortable, made in the

22:32

globe. intense. Again, know people are spared

22:34

no expense. You wake up feeling refreshed.

22:36

You get a refill. all your Hp

22:38

locals although both of us all those.

22:42

Are. Your Quinney, you may have to have David

22:44

Beckham. It's from being paralyzed and the know

22:46

that's right now being polite. Wealth? Heroin or

22:48

yeah. Fair enough. don't fuck with Wizards are

22:50

so young you offered over are you You

22:52

wake up the next day. I'm

22:55

a I think in general on probably couldn't

22:57

keep track of of the attempts to kind

22:59

of breakthrough to but hole in the tide

23:02

is ongoing existential crisis is adding. that said

23:04

those a clear failures had nothing to I

23:06

was on a tracker ah so that just

23:09

continues to to linger in the Arab. It's

23:11

a new morning you wake to to the

23:13

smells of cooking outside. The troops are in

23:15

fine form or they are Daves you know

23:18

struck the camp. There was no disturbances during

23:20

the night. They do report seeing the Shooting

23:22

Star as well as a bunch of other.

23:25

Wildlife and things a distance but nothing came

23:27

here. The camp the fire seem to have

23:29

to keep things away. That said, but hold

23:31

your relief they aren't approach you and a

23:33

buddy buddy kind of way. They there's a

23:35

warmth, a little bit of warmth to. The.

23:37

Tone of the camp and kind of people. you don't

23:39

bring you your horse in that sort of thing. There's.

23:42

A bit more pepin' their step, but it's not. A

23:45

situation where they're suddenly being buddy buddy pow

23:47

pow who were all the same idea into

23:49

the day. these are still. You. Know

23:51

former a car soldiers

23:53

and they they're. They're

23:56

baseline is absolutely nothing other

23:59

than battle. lust. So they're

24:02

moving out of that, but they're in no

24:04

way familiar with any of you. They're still

24:06

very much treating you as the command. Similarly,

24:09

Credin has everyone ready to go. You

24:12

know, you're served up breakfast, everyone's

24:14

fed and watered, feeling good, and the

24:16

caravan begins to move again. So

24:19

you make your way across more of

24:21

the beautiful desert landscape. It's very nice having fresh

24:24

air kind of blowing over you. Even if it

24:26

is warm, it's just a

24:28

treat to be out of the city. Obviously, a city

24:32

in a fantasy medieval realm doesn't

24:34

smell great all the time, particularly after

24:36

a massive war and burning

24:38

crops and everything else. So

24:40

just being on the road with fresh air

24:42

in your lungs is a real welcome

24:45

relief from the cooped up situation you've

24:47

been in previously. The

24:50

Desertmouth Mountains continue to kind of rise

24:53

in the distance. It's a

24:55

large, craggy, kind of almost brown

24:57

rock mountain range. No

25:01

snow capping the mountains. More

25:03

just almost a... Oh, I

25:05

see what's wrong. We fucked around with a salon in

25:07

the curse-coding crown. But stalact might?

25:10

Which way are they going? From

25:12

down up. Stalag might. Stalag might.

25:15

So close. Stalag might. G for

25:17

ground, C for ceiling. Ah.

25:19

I always go stalact types because they're holding on tight to

25:22

the ceiling. Stalag might because one day they might reach the

25:24

ceiling. Brian, what's your

25:26

neurobiotic... I don't know either. I would have

25:28

been you, Tom. Hell yeah. All right. So...

25:30

It would be a DM thing. Yeah.

25:34

I remember Gary Gygax talking about that all the time. I

25:36

know every person who's in the fucking cave would have come

25:39

out of a cave or something. Yeah. They're the real fantasy

25:41

answers. You just make up a new name for them that

25:43

is specific to the realm. So no one ever needs to

25:45

worry about this again. Cool. So stalactites. Sort

25:49

of that vibe a little bit. Sticking up from the

25:51

ground. They're imposing,

25:53

but the local troops, and

25:55

I think, but you probably know this as well, just

25:57

from being from this region. assure

26:00

you that these mountains have been traversed

26:03

so often that there are pathways through. It's a little

26:05

bit like if you're traveling through the Rocky Mountains, there's

26:07

a lot of roads and

26:09

things and tunnels and everything else that have been blown out over

26:11

the years that are incredible feats of engineering

26:13

that, I don't know, personally, anytime I've gone through

26:15

them, I'm just like, holy shit, I'm glad we

26:18

didn't have to do that. So

26:21

similarly, there are pathways and things you can

26:23

take through the mountain range as your approach.

26:25

My physical geography brain is like, I

26:27

don't think there's stalagmites, they technically be hoodoos. Hootoos?

26:30

I don't know. It's their wind formed. I

26:32

think that's... Oh, yeah. It's

26:35

their wind and sand blast formed. That's fair. I'm

26:37

just saying that's what they look like. That's what

26:39

they are. They are mountains. The

26:41

leg might mean... Laura's helping. Yeah, yeah,

26:43

yeah. We're going to get into another

26:45

pasta debate? Yeah. Is this

26:47

where we're going? The leg might reach the ceiling or

26:49

they might be hoodoos. That's how you remember the stalagmites.

26:51

Interesting. Okay, okay. It's like they might be giants, but

26:54

about who's going to be. Thank you. Oh,

26:57

I see. Because you know the answer from

26:59

above. If you pay too much, and don't

27:01

get too much, it's Hulu. Yep. Right.

27:04

Exactly. Nailed it. Okay. So you

27:06

make your way to mountains, just

27:08

mountains with

27:11

pathways through... Are you sure it's not a

27:13

mesa? In the

27:15

dead? I know it's Gordon Freeman.

27:17

Do you know the difference between a

27:19

mountain and just a large hill? No,

27:21

it's a line! It's a whole side!

27:24

It's just a spiky hill that we're

27:26

going towards. Pointy hills. Pointy

27:29

hills. The original name. And inside it, it

27:31

doesn't have a tunnel. Technically, it's a long

27:33

hole. Yeah. A long hole. That's

27:36

so funny. We're learning so much today.

27:39

This has been Atlas Chat, here on

27:42

Dub Dubs and Dragons. We're here to learn collectively. Yeah. Just

27:45

going to get nothing but geography-based NPCs traveling

27:47

through that long hole full of you-hoos. Yeah,

27:49

have a nice time. Yeah. Great.

27:52

We're going to go to the

27:54

mountains and we debate all of

27:56

these things. Yeah, Gartok's giving us

27:58

information about mountains. Well, Ball's

28:01

making up terms and

28:03

Quinnie's learning things. I guess. And

28:05

Crediting continues to say, no, the

28:07

mountains. We need to be on

28:09

our, I mean, while I was just like talking about like, but are they

28:13

mountains? Great. So you

28:15

approach the mountains, Quinnie's our audience insert that just wants

28:17

us to keep traveling. Please,

28:20

can we just get there, please? No,

28:23

fast travel is behind a paywall. So

28:25

you start to approach the

28:27

mountains. They're now looming large ahead of you when

28:30

one of the hammers kind of

28:32

points and says, we've

28:34

got movement on one of those peaks.

28:37

And as you all turn, you see

28:39

a small dark object crest

28:42

one of the mountain peaks and

28:44

begin to race down toward you. I

28:47

have a telescope. Really? I do.

28:50

I just checked my inventory. I want to get a better look

28:52

at what's going on here. And you wanted

28:54

to fast travel. All right. Yep. Go

28:56

ahead and roll me a perception at advantage, please. What

28:58

do your halfling eyes see? Oh, Nat 20. Hell

29:01

yeah. My halfling eyes see all. I do the

29:03

cartoon thing where like my eyeball goes through the

29:05

telescope and like comes out the large lens. That's

29:08

what that magic eye will do. All

29:11

right. You see two winged shapes. It

29:13

looks like one at distance, but using the telescope, you

29:15

can actually see it's two. Something

29:19

between them, sort

29:21

of doing that shoulder carry thing

29:23

that happens in fantasy a

29:26

lot. It's also what the winged

29:28

monkeys did in Wizard of Oz, but

29:30

basically just like there's a

29:32

large creature suspended between them

29:35

holding a club in each hand. And

29:37

these two large winged creatures have just

29:39

a variety of faces on them. They

29:43

are creatures of many faces. But

29:46

specifically, you've got the goat,

29:49

the dragon, and the lion. You

29:52

recognize two chimeras holding

29:54

a large creature

29:56

between them, and they are swooping

29:58

quickly towards the... caravan. Okay,

30:02

yeah, citing that and you know

30:04

you say chimera, I don't,

30:07

I guess I would know a chimera to

30:10

see one with the temple we were in,

30:13

of the tomb rather we were in,

30:15

with Dr. what can I remember

30:17

his name? Dr. Moreau? Thank you, Dr. Moreau. Of

30:19

course it's Dr. Moreau, geez, with

30:21

his sort of like scientifically engineered

30:23

chimeras. But Quinnie, you weren't there

30:26

for that. You were with, I

30:29

was, I was in the tomb. He was there for

30:31

the back half that day because he joined in there.

30:33

Oh, I like busted us in, I like picked a

30:35

lock and got it long and fought the goddamn Franken

30:38

shark, shark and bear. Okay, so I would

30:42

then be able to know and call out chimeras

30:44

would you say? Yeah, I think so. Also realistically

30:46

during your stint in hell like these would be

30:48

common enough creatures in the various wars in the

30:51

universe. Okay, so I would know like chimeras are

30:53

like hellish. Oh, I mean

30:55

they're natural monsters but they were just there,

30:57

they're a favorite amount of hell creatures because

30:59

you know three heads. Better than

31:02

us. Yeah, exactly. Especially that goat head. Everyone

31:04

loves the fucking goat head, the most valuable

31:06

of all heads. So yes, you'd be able

31:08

to call these two chimeras carrying some larger

31:10

creature in the middle. Yeah, you've got a

31:12

close enough I think eye on it to

31:15

recognize what looks to be

31:17

a hill giant. Ooh.

31:20

Okay, chimeras plus hill giant.

31:23

The the giant's got like similar

31:26

to your sort of desert goggles again because you've got

31:28

like a clear view. I do yeah. Has goggles

31:31

on over over the

31:33

eyes. Mouth is wide in

31:35

what you can't quite hear yet

31:37

but definitely looks like a like

31:39

a joyous grin. Okay. A

31:42

little bit of a witness me

31:44

vibe going on. Okay. Dressed for

31:46

battle in in kind of very

31:48

toughened leather armor. And

31:50

yeah, just a wicked looking club in

31:52

each hand, arms outstretched

31:55

and you recognize this as as as

31:58

the like battle. less joy. Like you've

32:01

seen this before, this is like I am excited

32:03

to get to fuck some shit up kind of

32:05

look. Well, I am like calling all of this

32:07

out as I see it and loudly

32:09

I would say because I would want our

32:12

Akkah desert locals to maybe know this to

32:14

give us any additional insight before this thing

32:17

arrives because it seems like we're gonna have to defend

32:19

ourselves, but I don't know maybe

32:21

I'm wrong. So just like Quinnie with

32:23

the telescope kind of glued to his eyes he's trying to

32:25

follow this thing as it's sourced through the sky just saying

32:27

like Okay, everyone

32:31

heads up we got a two. Yeah two

32:34

chimeras carrying a fuck

32:36

a hill giant He's

32:39

armed. He is they're coming straight at

32:41

us. Does anyone know what this is about

32:44

or do we need to take care of business? They're just

32:46

pulling out hammers And dropping

32:48

into kind of a rough formation You

32:50

note that a few of them carry other weapons as well

32:52

given that they just began their hammer training none of them

32:54

is gonna rely on only swinging a hammer to be able

32:57

to to deal with this but no one

32:59

of the one of the hammers

33:02

Who over you the course of your evening

33:04

you've come to know as steely knife Jack

33:08

steps forward and He's

33:10

a just a really rough-looking gnome Who's

33:13

who's seen some shit just craggy as

33:15

hell. He's got like a big scraggly

33:18

beard and

33:20

He's holding the hammer in his

33:22

off hand and he's got a reverse script dagger

33:25

in his in his good hand as per his

33:27

name and he just just

33:29

steps forward and says We've

33:32

heard reports of a Band

33:34

known as the wing nuts that live in

33:37

the in the mountains. They operate generally far

33:39

south from here and yet here

33:41

one is they Pardon

33:45

my language, but live for this shit. We should

33:47

prepare to fight All

33:49

right But

33:53

I'd like because we're with a group of all

33:55

these people Kunis trying to find the right like

33:57

rhetoric to use here in public I like My

34:00

your majesty my leisure looks like this

34:03

is not you know the welcoming committee

34:05

for some foreign state. This is He's

34:08

gonna kill us All right, then

34:10

it's time to throw down So we're gonna keep this pretty

34:13

easy tip of the spear will be us me Quenny guard

34:15

talk the rest of you spread back we're gonna let them

34:17

hit us kind of coming in We'll stop them with some

34:19

magic then everybody just swoop in and play the flanks. This

34:21

is gonna be big This is gonna be ugly. This is

34:23

gonna be dumb. Let's try to make it fast. Yeah,

34:26

remember. It's not one thing flying out as it's

34:28

three and with

34:30

them have three heads each and but

34:34

what would the I Was

34:37

gonna say what would the a cock with one of who a be? but

34:40

it occurs to me that you may have given them something else as Hammers

34:43

have you given them like a battle

34:45

cry or or like a battle acknowledgment? This

34:47

might actually be a reginald question Yeah, I'm

34:50

ready to give an original the vismith question

34:52

Tom. What was the battle cry they would have already known

34:54

I Will put that back

34:57

to you. What is the battle cry? Okay, I gotta do both All

34:59

right He's

35:01

not a god, so that wouldn't carry over Okay,

35:07

this is dumb but it's right Reginald

35:12

only knows the term peacekeepers

35:15

and that their job is to maintain

35:17

the peace He

35:20

didn't have time to ask a lot of questions, but he knew they

35:22

needed a catchphrase So the new

35:24

catchphrase of the hammers is for peace great

35:30

So they get out their weapons that are ready to kill people For

35:33

peace yeah, so just as one day they

35:35

like tap their hammer like tap

35:37

the hammer on the ground and yell For

35:40

peace and then immediately like

35:42

start screaming battle cries And

35:46

just like yelling like obscenities It's very Spartan where

35:48

it's just like we're gonna scream into the face

35:50

of these three monsters as they fall back and

35:52

into the position You offered this is the first

35:54

time the three of you have heard for peace

35:57

yell But alone it's kind

35:59

of nice They

36:01

also have like a shitty upside down

36:03

dove drawn on their weapon. No, that's

36:05

not the joke we're making. Yet

36:09

they're peacekeepers, not peacemakers. Don't pretend

36:11

it's an important difference. It's

36:14

a very important difference. Yep. Great.

36:17

So they fall back. These three creatures

36:19

continue to swoop down towards you. So

36:23

the first round of this is interesting because technically

36:27

it's not a surprise round. I

36:29

guess, you know what, let's just straight up roll

36:31

initiative because I'm curious to see what goes off

36:33

and when. Six. Six.

36:37

Eighteen. Okay, one sec. Gar-tok

36:39

hasn't done much combat. Six. Quinny

36:42

eighteen. Okay, a

36:45

random obnoxious question. Yes,

36:47

sir. If they're coming towards us at

36:49

range and we have stuff that is in an extreme

36:51

range, do they also for initiative or would we be

36:53

acting before them in initiative if their initiative requires them

36:55

to like charge into us? Some

36:58

of us have spells that got like 150 feet on them. Okay,

37:00

so yes, I should clarify. If you

37:03

have a spell that that's 150 feet,

37:05

you can take it action before

37:07

they arrive. They also

37:09

have range chit, which is part of the reason why

37:11

I was rolling, but it's not extreme range. So if

37:13

you've got extreme range,

37:15

go banana. All righty.

37:18

So I will roll my initiative so we can answer the

37:20

order. Yep. It's

37:23

a five, so. Thank you, long

37:25

range. But

37:27

extreme range as he sees them coming in 150

37:30

feet away, but whole summons up from inside

37:36

himself and just says, oh, it's

37:39

pie. And

37:41

he is going to cast firestorm, which

37:43

is instead of the usual hot snakes

37:46

from the ground. This is a

37:49

just massive butthole opening

37:51

in the ground of dirt and

37:53

just fire comes up and

37:55

out of it in the same

37:57

classic hot snakes way. This

37:59

is a new spell. We have an idea. It

38:02

takes place over 150 feet. A

38:05

storm made up of sheets of roaring flame

38:08

appears in the location you choose within range.

38:11

The area of the storm consists of up to 10

38:13

foot cubes, which you can arrange as you wish. He's

38:16

going to arrange them into a peace sign. Make sure

38:18

that all of the attackers are there because he wants

38:20

to inspire the forces around him. Each

38:23

cube must have at least one face adjacent to the face of another cube,

38:25

so it's fine. Basically it's just flavor

38:27

at that point. They have a deck saving throw

38:29

that all three of them can make. It

38:33

will be DC 18. Well,

38:40

the hill giant has a minus one, so he

38:42

rolled an 18, but it doesn't fucking matter. The

38:44

two chimeras fail. Okay.

38:48

Would it matter since he's being carried by the

38:50

chimeras? You could like tuck his little leg up.

38:53

Yeah, like he could not. He could be a

38:55

lad. He could be a lad. Like he could

38:57

jump out of something and get beat. All right.

39:00

It's not a train that he's just admitted to

39:02

being on. Holy

39:05

shit. Jesus. I'm

39:08

seeing those rolls. Those are good

39:10

rolls on D10. Hell yeah. There

39:13

we go. They bounced themselves.

39:15

Yeah. They will

39:17

all take 43 fire damage

39:22

and the object will ignite any flammable objects that

39:24

aren't being worn or carried. But I think in

39:26

that place that eliminates everything because it's either being

39:28

worn or carried by someone. So they

39:31

just take the damage. And sorry, 43? 9,

39:34

18, 27, 35, 39, 40. Yep,

39:36

43 fire damage. God

39:38

damn. So

39:41

yeah, just a like descending

39:44

down hill giant's got his clubs

39:46

out, just muttering to himself, oh,

39:48

what a lovely day. And then

39:50

suddenly just a line of fire.

39:52

Oh my God. Oh tits. And

39:54

they just fly directly into this

39:57

massive swirling shitstorm of

39:59

flame. The chimeras

40:01

are screaming in a

40:03

variety of tongues. You hear lots of like,

40:05

and a lot of boooooooarrrrr, and a lot

40:08

of find the dragons, as

40:10

they just eat absolute shit from

40:12

that coming in. That is a hell

40:14

of a lot of damage. They're all

40:16

still up, but like, howie.

40:21

Anyone else have super long range shit you want to

40:23

throw at these guys? Yeah. Yeah.

40:35

Alright, let's keep it coming. They really should have snuck

40:38

up on them. You had higher

40:40

initiatives. Mine is a shorter range

40:42

band of 120 feet, so if yours is

40:44

further out, you can go first. Oh, okay.

40:47

Mine's 300. Oh, okay. Technically, mine

40:49

went second. Alright, what are you doing? Is Garthok

40:51

waiting to make me feel good about myself? Garthok's

40:53

waiting. Yeah, well Garthok isn't,

40:56

he's not quite sure like, what

40:58

to do. He's following, he's gonna

41:00

follow King Dad? I don't know. King

41:03

Dad. King Dad. King

41:05

Daddy butthole, little nightmares coming true. Yeah.

41:11

So Garthok sees this

41:14

like, flaming, what was it? Flaming

41:16

peace sign. This blast in this place

41:18

burning the shit out of the venom.

41:20

Garthok then sees the creatures kind of become

41:23

distracted and disoriented by it and hurt. And

41:26

immediately in the

41:29

next basically area they're going to enter

41:32

as they're all like disoriented, an

41:35

ice storm is going to appear in the

41:37

sky as Garthok draws

41:39

on, you know,

41:42

the whatever little moisture there

41:44

is in the air. And you're like,

41:47

oh, storm of ice, protect us. And

41:50

a hail of rock hard ice pounds

41:52

to the ground in a 20 foot

41:55

radius, 40 foot high cylinder centered on

41:57

a point within range. Centered on a

41:59

point. Beyond that that piece The

42:02

fire isn't instantaneous anyway, so it's not sticking around cool.

42:04

It's ends up and it's gone cool So

42:07

each creature in the cylinder must make

42:09

a deck saving throw DC 16 more

42:11

decks great great Love that love that

42:13

good for the palanquin bearers. Yeah. Oh

42:17

My god, oh my god, I rolled a six

42:19

and then two sevens like chimeras are both rolling

42:21

sevens Which is like that, you know friendship man.

42:23

Do you know what it's equally that's good That

42:25

shows that they balance the weight of the hill

42:27

giant and like a really fair way I'm waiting

42:29

for them to try to dodge in opposing directions

42:31

rip Though

42:34

we are gonna have to watch out because those chimeras are

42:36

equally strong and how to effectively work as a team So

42:38

like if they get through this work So

42:42

as Yeah, rock

42:44

hard ice pounds upon them. It

42:47

is they will take 12

42:50

bludgeoning damage and 14

42:53

cold damage 26

42:55

damage total. Yeah. Also the area

42:57

below them is now difficult terrain

42:59

for the next Just

43:06

in case anyone's coming up behind them on

43:08

the ground, yeah, wow, okay great great having

43:10

a great day Hill

43:13

giant it's just like on fires goggles are melting.

43:15

He kind of has to like rub You

43:18

know melted glass and leather off

43:20

his face And

43:22

you know is a beard is burned away

43:24

his eyebrows are all frizzy and

43:27

he says Don't worry.

43:29

My pets nothing worse than that And then

43:31

just immediately plumbled my eyes It

43:36

just matters like oh Ron

43:41

should have read the weather reports this morning

43:45

pelted by ice desperately

43:47

missing his goggles and the chimeras

43:49

are just like Livid

43:51

the two dragons start to like, you

43:54

know spit flame, but it's it's just

43:56

like ice You know, it's like spitting

43:58

fire into the rain it just Doesn't

44:00

matter they're still getting pelted massive damage to

44:02

all of them. I said well at

44:04

least that's the worst of it my head Quinnie,

44:07

what do you they close to a hundred twenty feet? I

44:12

Would like to hit him with nothing fancy here,

44:14

but an eldritch blast and Because

44:17

it's got a range of 120 feet and I picked

44:19

up a tasty little invocation called

44:21

repelling blast a while ago that I've Just

44:23

had oh so much fun using I would like to

44:26

basically Push two

44:28

targets back into the hailstorm

44:33

It's an instantaneous Okay,

44:35

no, so it is just gonna fall down on them.

44:37

Okay. Yeah push it back to that difficult Unfortunately knock

44:39

them to the ground. They're gonna have trouble running. Yeah,

44:42

well some other shit that keeps working to the brain

44:46

Yeah, maybe I'll try and separate them then

44:48

cuz I can't hit all three but I can I can

44:50

fire it move them in

44:52

a peace sign So

44:57

Call it. Yeah, she called my targets out first.

44:59

I think probably Two

45:01

eldritch blasts one on each chimera because if I

45:03

hit them both they're carrying via third guy. So

45:05

hopefully this works out Eldritch

45:08

blast is plus eight to hit so

45:11

25 yep, and Plus

45:16

eight My brain 14 14.

45:18

Yeah 14 eight on the second

45:20

one meets the AC of

45:23

the camera Good to know. Okay, and

45:25

that's you know, again not

45:27

like the kind of damage We've seen from

45:29

these two stellar superstars, but 1d10 per hit

45:33

So 1d10 Oh 10 and

45:37

Six on the second one. Yep. Great. And

45:39

how far back are they both black and feet? Both

45:43

pushed back 10. Okay, so let's roll

45:46

Always great sitting on top of a car

45:48

when it moves backwards You're gonna roll deck

45:50

saves on both the chimeras to see if they hold

45:53

on So

45:55

one does not that one gets a nat

45:57

20. They hold on to this guy hard,

45:59

but I'm gonna roll a con save for him

46:01

for being jerked back by the by

46:03

the arms real quick. He

46:06

rolls a two so we're gonna give

46:09

him an additional

46:11

six points of damage from

46:13

Whiplash. I'll take it. No

46:16

joke? No yeah. And yeah

46:18

it's just almost like comical like it's like

46:20

they slam into an invisible wall just the

46:22

blast hit them knock them back and

46:25

he's just hanging there going

46:27

okay. Now

46:30

we swoop my head I have

46:32

initiative order we will

46:34

destroy him. And they continue

46:36

to fly towards you at speed of

46:38

course their flight speed is 60 feet

46:42

so we've got a little bit

46:44

of time. Wait is me? Are you witnessing?

46:46

They are. Do you guys see me still?

46:48

Do you see me going? Rod we'll pay

46:51

when we get back to camp. You guys

46:53

watching it's gonna happen soon. If they keep

46:55

doing it. Oh my arms. Stop looking at

46:57

me so much. Look over there for a

47:02

bit. I'll tell you when

47:04

to witness again. Alright and Butthole looks at them

47:06

as they close

47:12

within 60 feet.

47:17

And he's gonna open a portal under

47:19

the ground of them another and a

47:22

smaller more focused Butthole here is in

47:24

the ground. This is all evoking Dune

47:27

for me now because we're in the

47:29

desert and these sphincters are opening. Yeah

47:31

this one is spraying fire

47:34

and radiant energy because we know we see more

47:37

gold in Butthole's magic this one's a mix of

47:39

both. So each creature in a

47:41

10-foot radius which I'm imagining is all

47:43

of them. Yeah. They've

47:45

gone from a peace sign to a

47:47

40-foot high cylinder of fire and radiant

47:49

energy spraying out of the desert. Can

47:52

you roll them a DC 18 dexterity

47:55

saving dragon? I'm talking about

47:57

a dexterity saving dragon. No,

48:00

no, no. All

48:02

right. Quinny,

48:06

a phrase you can always say to your Warlock friend, Can I borrow

48:08

some D6s? Well, actually, because we're

48:10

using, uh, Oh, because we're using those dice. I

48:12

don't have my extra D6s. Yeah.

48:14

Three, four. Okay. Only I have mine. I don't

48:16

think I would need to roll any fucking damage

48:18

for these guys. So I'm going to save that

48:20

one. So, all right. So first we go for

48:23

the fire damage. 10,

48:27

15 fire damage. And

48:30

then the lowest performing dice gets replaced by the DM

48:32

die for the radiant. Keep

48:36

doing great guys. Oh, there

48:38

we go. And that is 20 radiant

48:41

damage. So

48:43

just, it has almost there. What

48:46

this move. And then just a conflagration of hot

48:48

snakes. And for a moment, the hill giant,

48:50

uh, feels the relief of, uh, if any, this

48:52

is a very Canadian thing, but, you know,

48:54

jumping out of a hot tub, like into the

48:57

snow, you roll around in the snow, you hop

48:59

back in the hot tub. Your body feels

49:01

braced and energized. And he

49:03

just thinks to himself, you know what? Maybe

49:05

this is a lovely day as he is

49:07

incinerated along two chimeras. Uh,

49:11

and so just standing there, um, six,

49:14

uh, skulls, uh, a dragon

49:17

skull, two dragon skulls, two

49:19

red skulls, two lion skulls,

49:21

just like fly out of

49:23

the flame on the trajectory and just kind of

49:25

like bounce and tumble along the ground, uh,

49:28

to your feet scorched and smoking. And butthole looks back

49:30

to the rest of the truth that I brought with

49:32

him. And he says, peace maintains.

49:36

This episode of dumb, dumb and dragons features

49:38

the voices. I'll thrive the plot to add

49:40

to the right of the font on Twitter.

49:42

Tyler Hewitt at Tyler underscore Hewitt on Twitter.

49:44

Laura hamstra at EL ham spring on Twitter.

49:46

And RTM Tom McGee at Mickey TD on

49:48

Twitter. This episode sound was edited and a

49:50

mix by Laura hamstra and dumbed up. The

49:52

dragon's artwork is by Del Borovic who can

49:54

be found at Del borovic.com. Our

49:56

theme songs are and now for that massive coronary and

49:59

skipping through the. This is Part 1

50:01

by Peter Gresser, and our app music is no

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where fiction producers flourish.

52:05

The buyer awaits your decision. Poise has won

52:07

both ready for a fight and assured of

52:09

its outcome. I'll

52:11

have that relic now. That cool pretty boy

52:13

have more healing. We gonna need it. You guys

52:15

might. One of you dies and I'm running for

52:18

it. So don't. We'll have to

52:20

use every advantage and we've not many left.

52:23

So I'm confused. What

52:25

am I supposed to say to him? Marcus,

52:27

it's a role-playing game. So

52:30

you're this holy guy, Benedict.

52:33

And he's just joined this adventuring

52:35

party. Right. Why?

52:38

Because we needed someone to heal us and not

52:40

ask questions. Dumb! What?

52:43

Any reason you want, Marcus. That's the great thing

52:45

about this game. You can be anyone you want.

52:47

Do anything you want for any reason so long

52:50

as it's true to your character. Cool. I

52:52

totally got this. Wait, but... This

52:54

artifact belongs to my church and as such

52:56

I cannot part with it for any price.

52:58

What did I say? Kill

53:03

them all! The Ordinary Epic. A podcast series

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