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Find our listener survey at

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fableandfolly.com/survey today. Welcome

1:47

back to Dum Dum's and Dragons, where

1:49

improvisers who've never role played before journey

1:51

into the world of Dungeons and Dragons.

1:54

I am the great wizard Bukake,

1:56

your host. Our party are definitely

1:58

at an impasse. asked

2:00

for advice on being a god. Quinny told

2:02

him he wasn't cut out for godhood, and

2:04

after Butthole ended up naked and running away

2:06

in a boat, Gartok used his magic to

2:09

bring the party back together. But what will

2:11

happen now that our beeping heroes are all

2:13

in the same canoe? Time to

2:15

snuff snuff! On dogg,

2:17

dogg, zen, reeee,

2:20

gah! Quinny

2:24

and Gartok, you have just dimensioned

2:27

Dord into Butthole's sad naked boat.

2:29

You have landed safely, you passed your checks,

2:31

and as a result didn't tip into the

2:33

river. You were on the river arken in

2:36

the Dale Lands, headed

2:38

southeast towards Sembia by way of

2:41

the Abbey of the Golden Sheaf.

2:43

You just met Fuhar in the

2:45

woods, a helpful swamp guy

2:47

who was trying to help bring peace

2:49

to the distress of the party. However,

2:53

Butthole stormed off and then you stormed

2:55

off after him through space and time.

2:57

So you've just arrived in the boat,

2:59

Butthole. As a reminder, you are wearing

3:01

a very comfortable towel, or

3:03

you were, you may have stripped down now, I don't know.

3:05

I think he would have left the towel. It'd be weird

3:08

to swim with the towel. And walked into the river, yeah.

3:10

Yeah, yeah. Bringing the towel with me would have been a

3:12

real dick move. Sitting

3:14

naked in a boat, Goblin Junior's there with you,

3:16

these two drop in. This is

3:18

not on my plan. I'm just gonna turn it over

3:20

to you guys! Butthole

3:23

immediately does a quick glance at the water

3:25

and the speed the boat is moving. Tom,

3:28

how fast is this boat going? To

3:32

ask a specific question, it's a little spoily,

3:34

but it's okay. Uh, if

3:37

we were to continue down this

3:39

river for say a minute, would

3:42

it be more than 500 feet? Oh,

3:45

how fast is the current? Fucking no. Uh, 500

3:48

feet. Um, let's see how far...

3:52

Are we traveling? Yeah, are we at a walking

3:54

pace? Are we fast? Are we at a jogging

3:57

pace? You referenced deliverance earlier. Like, are we mow-

4:00

a swamp or? 50 feet per round? Well,

4:02

because like 30 feet. At a dog? Because we

4:04

get 10 rounds in a minute. Yeah, not a regular dash. So

4:06

a regular walking person would move 300 feet. This

4:08

is some bullshit I know Tom just does not

4:10

need right now. So yeah, a normal, unnormal, at

4:13

a normal speed, 300 feet in a minute. A

4:17

dash would be 600 feet in a minute. Yeah,

4:20

yeah. Which, like, I

4:22

know me personally, I'm not a player character then. Just

4:25

that's what that means. I was not as fast as

4:27

this. I can't do 600 feet. I do 600 feet

4:29

in a minute, I don't think. But

4:33

I'm very excited to find out where

4:36

this question is thanking us. I

4:38

am excited and concerned. Okay.

4:42

So according to the Houston Canoe Club, you can

4:44

go 15 feet in 10 seconds, which gives a

4:50

river speed of one mile per hour. Add

4:52

two miles per hour for paddling speeds of that and you'll

4:54

be traveling downriver at three miles per hour. So

4:57

if we say 15 feet in 10 seconds,

5:02

but you're already moving, you could walk at 30 feet. Yeah.

5:05

Yeah. This is like D&D, which

5:07

is not there. It's completely congruous with reality. Well, no,

5:09

it's also boats versus land can be a factor of

5:12

walking speed. Also there's a certain amount of current, which is its

5:14

own question in any river, which is like how much is that

5:16

adding? So I'm inclined to say that

5:19

you're not traveling at a deliverance, casual

5:21

speed. I think there's a bit of

5:23

speed to the boats going down river.

5:26

There's a decent amount of speed

5:28

here, but I honestly can't math it out for you. So

5:30

Ryan, if you want to do something as butthole, butthole

5:32

also would not be able to math it out. Just

5:35

be aware that you're going at less

5:37

than the speed of a

5:40

horse, like on horseback, but certainly

5:43

faster than a walking speed. So with light jog,

5:45

450 feet. It's fine.

5:47

450-ish feet. Okay. Do

5:49

you account for the Coriolis effect? I don't know if that applies

5:51

there. No, incorrect. You should always be

5:53

accounting for the Coriolis effect, Laura, at all times. It doesn't

5:55

affect you. I do it as I reach for this ring.

5:57

It really doesn't affect you in like... us

6:00

on earth but in dumb fay rune how

6:02

much is the earth curved? Well

6:06

that's not the core-y-ol-if effect. We

6:08

were talking about something different. I know I picked a different one. Now

6:10

we gotta talk about nautical miles. The corny holus effect. Wait

6:15

what are you two doing here? Who's with

6:18

the squad? Crendan and

6:21

Fuhar Gobblestnuff. Okay

6:24

he's gonna cast banishment at level 5

6:27

and banish these two to the ethereal

6:29

plane. Counterspell. Okay

6:32

let's look at some cards. Counterspell

6:36

at level 5? I

6:38

can only do level 4 so I might have to roll or

6:40

I might just not be able to do it. I can't remember

6:42

which way counterspell works but I'm gonna try. Okie

6:46

dokie. So for

6:48

banishment both of you will need to succeed on

6:50

a charisma save. DC 18. DC

6:53

18 or be banished. However we

6:55

should look at counterspell. Cans

6:58

it's higher than the level I'm casting at. I'm

7:01

locked at level 4. All of my spells have to

7:03

be cast at level 4. Level

7:05

5 means I have to roll. DC is 10

7:07

plus the spell level so I have to do

7:10

a DC 15. Yes. Using

7:12

my spell casting ability. I'm still rolling

7:14

a save though right? Not my spell

7:17

cast ability. So

7:20

that's just my charisma so it's only plus 3. Okay.

7:24

Laura you don't need to roll unless Tyler fails his check.

7:27

And I still 20. The

7:29

power of friendship. So

7:32

Butthole you attempt to banish them to

7:34

the ethereal plane. Quinnie yells

7:36

counterspell. Throwing up

7:39

his hands. His magical eye flares

7:42

and they remain in the boat with you. Wait

7:44

wait. Yeah what the

7:46

hell man. Oh. I'd like

7:49

nobody say anything. I'm

7:51

just gonna go into my pack. I

7:54

am wearing the cloak. It's not

7:56

called the cloak of farts but it is the gosh.

8:00

investment of house fire testament of house farts

8:02

thank you that means though that I'm not using

8:04

my hooded cloak which I have had some kind

8:06

of like a level one thief hmm just reach

8:08

into my pack and

8:10

just put my cloak I don't want

8:12

okay I don't want

8:14

your fucking clothes I fold it up okay

8:16

okay I just let's

8:19

just sit both

8:26

of us hearing at the bottom and

8:28

he's he's so ready to dive into

8:30

the water he's so close I

8:36

told everyone to you know dry off and wait

8:38

and they'll they'll join us but who

8:41

are said you know we carry on down this way we're gonna

8:43

get to that Abby they

8:45

were talking about we

8:49

could stop there you know get

8:51

food sleep a

8:53

shirt if

8:56

you want bottles

8:58

just silent staring guard

9:03

talk is just watching looking between the two

9:05

and wrapped attention he's not gonna say anything

9:07

okay look at guard talk and I remember

9:09

a thing and saying I

9:12

am legitimately

9:16

sorry for what

9:18

I said the last time we were in a

9:21

boat about that

9:23

God I

9:26

feel bad and

9:30

there's a lot there's a butt and he's

9:33

debating like letting the butt come out do

9:35

you want to roll a are

9:37

you lying about being sorry are you actually sorry

9:39

okay like I like the

9:42

being like he did that like there was no tactic how he

9:44

did I was like yeah fair enough like when he's like yeah

9:46

you got me there to see if

9:50

you can hold your tongue on the butt charisma

9:54

just straight charisma Christmas

9:56

Save yeah, save sorry thank you. It's

9:58

the same nine. I'm. I

10:02

dialed the you could insert how the you could

10:04

resist that but. By.

10:06

At ah. Sorry.

10:10

What's the up? With.

10:20

These idiots. It's

10:23

pull about the fire spreads

10:25

around that is assessed. The.

10:31

Ah site site have socket.

10:36

But. I

10:39

it feels like you've got. A

10:41

lot. On. Your plate. And.

10:46

When I said that. Thing. When

10:48

I meant was. I'd

10:51

knowledge that you have a lot.

10:54

On your plate. And

10:56

you know, maybe you shouldn't have to

10:59

do all the things. That

11:01

you are. Trying to

11:04

do. Okay,

11:12

Then. I have a plan. Fuck.

11:15

Off on what you want to go

11:17

back to the squat through a magical

11:20

door on this slow moving boat. Or

11:23

do you want me to swim? What's

11:26

your preference? Where. Are

11:29

you swimming? As

11:32

kind of amazing right now. I.

11:35

Tried for the to be amazing and you

11:37

used magic to get on this boat I'm

11:39

trying to make it in us thing. Isn't.

11:43

No. Thank you. I

11:47

looked at guard sort of like what happens when

11:49

it's like a no thank you from. And.

11:53

I would like cat

11:55

cat acknowledge every Weds

11:57

abilities. as right to bake their

11:59

own decisions and self-determination.

12:02

That's kind of my thing. But... Oh,

12:06

a second butt. I'm swimming. No, no, no, no,

12:08

no, no, but I'm on my own. He's going

12:10

for his family. We need

12:12

to know where you're going. Goblin

12:14

Junior does a little dog salute, then just

12:16

rolls off the side of the water. You

12:19

are not helping. Butthole,

12:22

we need to find you later. Swim,

12:24

swim. Are

12:27

you swimming against the current? No, swimming with the

12:29

current, but he's not going fast. I was going

12:31

to say, we're in a boat. I'm going laterally.

12:33

I'm getting out of the boat. I'll

12:36

go for a run. I don't give a shit.

12:38

So, butthole swims. You're on the athletics check? Sure.

12:43

I'm guidanceing myself. That

12:47

is a 23. Butthole

12:53

swims to shore, drags himself

12:55

out, and just takes off

12:58

running into the woods as a naked

13:00

man. And I'm dashing, so I'm way

13:02

faster than a fucking boat. You

13:05

want to compare dash speed, sir, to a

13:07

boat? Yeah. My boots are springing and striding

13:09

and cunning action. Well,

13:11

here's the real question. Do you respect Butthole's wishes and let

13:13

him go, or do you try? That's the thing of like...

13:17

I think we just, we stood there and watched,

13:19

just die, splash, splash, splash, splash, up on the

13:21

thing, just through the fucking jungle, just like standing

13:24

and turned back to Gardog. And

13:28

I was like, what was the but? The

13:32

but was just, we needed to know where he

13:34

was going, so we could meet up afterwards. If

13:36

he wants some alone time, you could have some

13:38

alone time as long as we're heading in the

13:40

same direction. All right, well then. And

13:43

we need him on the boat, because that's how we know where he's going. He

13:46

runs into the jungle. Who knows where he's getting to. And

13:48

out of fourth level spells, I can't

13:50

locate a creature anymore today. I

13:52

don't know why, but I believe Gardog does level his

13:55

spells. Anyone Else in the meta, for Gardog, there's a

13:57

list. Not

14:00

a bible am I I can do. Not

14:03

that as nice as oh I forgot

14:05

I needed to erase was highly started

14:07

with twenty four levels of power. Ah,

14:14

I. See I it's I say can you handle

14:16

the boat. Like get it over to

14:18

shore and then. Yes, Yeah I

14:20

I gotta go after him and and talk him into

14:22

taking the boat. We will leave him alone Like you

14:24

say you know he that his choice but. He.

14:27

Should be on the boat you naked in a jungle. He should be

14:29

on the boat so. Later by guy back

14:31

to fool are we just gotta continue. You.

14:33

And I should go back together. Okay, Okay,

14:37

Break. Discuss: I dive in.

14:41

Okay, ah, I need an Athletics

14:43

now minus one athletic check. Here

14:45

we go. Minus

14:49

One Zola. seventy. Seven

14:52

assists the boat keeps going to.

14:56

Juggle keeps going and good he does actually

14:58

got years after Easter is struggling, splash and

15:00

the boat drifts away or bottle runs off

15:02

in the woods. Dumb yeah

15:04

I don't have you seen like a

15:07

new swimmer or like a still sort

15:09

of week swimmer treading water. Ah,

15:11

but that is the kind of look of

15:13

like that sort of urgent strained Yes, miles

15:16

above the waterline, I just kind of a

15:18

general shaking going on our you may not

15:20

be able to tell but there's just like

15:22

a wins freaking out under their right to

15:24

swinging strike. You don't matter. Efficient movements figured

15:26

out yet, so it's just like. Go

15:29

on without me. I'll get. Over

15:33

that assesses this year's first

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16:00

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16:21

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16:23

the beautiful, glorious, caumium plant here

16:26

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16:28

yes, it is good to

16:30

spend time with true greatness, is it

16:33

not? Not like those dum-dums in their

16:35

heartwarming and hilarious adventures. No,

16:37

it's better to spend time

16:39

with someone like me who

16:41

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16:44

course, if you wanted to

16:46

sink to their level, you

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You can add characters to our world.

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You can even create your own at

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the $25 level and get your name

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in the credits. But you don't want

17:11

to do that. Wouldn't you rather

17:13

stay here and listen to me talk

17:16

about me? Gartok,

17:31

you're the one of the both. Yeah,

17:33

so Gartok's got like one of whatever

17:36

ores we're using. Gartok is going to

17:38

be rolling in gifts for Gertie. And

17:41

he's going to get to Quitty and try

17:43

to- Well, hang on now. We've

17:45

got to try to get to Quitty. You're going to try already to be that

17:47

athletics. Uh,

17:50

athletics. But

17:52

did you take

17:54

into account the disadvantage you have

17:56

on a physical check based on

17:58

being tired from riding horses? and

18:01

now have you considered and see if

18:03

you've considered the Coriolis effect you wouldn't

18:05

be having this problem. Garchog,

18:07

you... You hit me in the head with the ore. You grab an

18:09

ore. That's a very true

18:12

selfie. You

18:14

grab an ore, you go to turn the boat, the

18:16

ore snaps because you got it for Rick Slick. You

18:19

grab the other ore, you get to turn around, the

18:21

boat starts spinning, boat hits Quinny, Quinny goes down, Quinny

18:23

comes back up, you hit him with the ore, he

18:25

goes down, he grabs the side of the boat, the

18:28

boat tips you and the chair go in, and

18:30

after a much frustrated flailing

18:32

and struggling, you just

18:35

feel a stick poke you. They

18:39

both get dragged out of the water by

18:41

Fuhar, who goes around and screws a little

18:43

hook on it, drags

18:48

the chair out of the water, shakes off

18:50

all the river stuff, and you say, well,

18:52

you see, this is the thing

18:55

about just taking off all half cocks. Sometimes you

18:57

end up in the water again.

18:59

Do you decide to leave your naked friend alone?

19:02

No, I see. He's coughing

19:04

up water. Oh, dear. All

19:07

right. Yeah, we

19:09

decided to leave him alone. Yeah,

19:11

okay. Well, tell

19:13

you why don't you two come back upstream a

19:16

little bit. We'll get you dried off. We're

19:18

going to have to dry this chair by the

19:20

water, I think, to make sure it doesn't get

19:22

rusty or anything. We'll get you all set and

19:24

then down the road. Your naked friend seems like

19:26

he can take care of himself. Besides, we got

19:28

his armor and that sweet bag he's got, and

19:31

you'll probably want those back at some point, so

19:33

I don't think you'll go too far. I

19:35

don't know. I haven't seen him act like this. No,

19:38

never. I mean, well, kind of in a ... He

19:42

was kind of like this as far as

19:44

I heard after Alan accidentally blasted him

19:46

with a ball and burned his face

19:48

all up. Well, I was dead

19:50

at that point, so I hadn't actually seen him like that,

19:52

but as I ... I haven't seen him like that either.

19:55

Twins, anyway. And Fuhr just

19:57

chews in silences. You folks

19:59

... have lived quite a life.

20:02

Well, come back up

20:04

stream I guess. Oh boy.

20:06

What you got yourself into this time? You

20:08

got folks buried from the dead? You got

20:10

a guy running around and someone named Alan

20:12

likes to blow people. Hey, is Alan one

20:14

of your friends back at the camp? Not

20:17

at the camp but a friend, yeah. All right,

20:19

but not hanging out with my possums and my

20:22

squirrels and my... Oh God, he's so far away.

20:24

Yeah, that's good. Yeah, he's good. Oh, I doesn't

20:26

need someone blowing up his stuff or his friends.

20:28

That doesn't sound like a friendly thing to do.

20:31

And he spits and he says, all right, come

20:33

with me. And he just throws you

20:35

over his shoulder, Gartok. Oh. And he's pulling the

20:37

chair along. Oh, this is nice. And the chair

20:39

is just like clogged with all sorts of like

20:41

riverbed shit, so it's just gonna take a little

20:43

bit of doing. All right, Queenie, you kind of

20:45

give one last look over your shoulder to

20:48

the far distance. Obviously

20:50

you don't see a butthole or anything, he

20:52

is long gone. And the two of you make your

20:55

way back to camp. So

20:57

a few hours later, the

20:59

chair is repaired and

21:02

ready to go again. The butthole's armor has

21:04

been dried off and cleaned and polished. You

21:08

have food if you want it. I

21:10

don't know necessarily that either of you

21:12

would after this ordeal, but maybe you're

21:14

feeling physically refreshed if somewhat sickened by

21:17

how things were left. There

21:19

are enough boats that you can all kind of

21:22

manage. And Fuhar has spent

21:24

some time just quietly upgrading the

21:26

boats a little bit to make sure they're a

21:28

little more stable. He threw all the oars out,

21:31

he's a bad oars. He's

21:34

replaced them kind of with, you've got like guidance

21:36

sticks to push you off the edges and stuff

21:38

as well as some better secured oars. But you

21:40

are ready to go. Queenie, I imagine you've probably

21:43

been pretty ready to go like

21:46

since you got here.

21:48

Yeah. Or not? No,

21:53

I think, I don't

21:56

think the urgency is there. I think it's a little bit of a.

22:00

Unhealthy thing of he didn't vocalize

22:03

it or anything at the time, but there was a

22:05

little bit of like well Fuck you

22:07

then, you know, I tried fuck you and yeah,

22:09

he's You know just not

22:11

a not a healthy person You

22:18

actually spend the night you get some rest like the

22:20

crew get some rest and with

22:22

the first light of dawn Yeah, you

22:24

all set off And

22:27

who are Just kind

22:29

of like, you know sees you all offices Well,

22:31

if you ever back this way, you know, you

22:33

know a nice safe place You can

22:35

stay long as you're not causing any trouble and

22:38

hopefully you'll patch things up with a big naked

22:40

friend there But you know if not campfire

22:42

is always available to you And if you

22:44

find yourselves back in the river might

22:46

find yourself getting poked by stick You know drag you

22:49

back out and get to dry it off again. You

22:51

folks ever need anything else, you know, oh

22:53

who are that? Okay? Thanks,

22:56

who are yeah, and uh, hey, I

22:58

know things are kind of stressful and tough right now

23:00

But sounds like you folks been through a lot heard

23:02

all those stories all six seasons

23:04

worth around that campfire last night In

23:07

in summary, I understand that takes many hours that

23:10

we didn't have but sounds

23:12

like you all have been through a lot together and You

23:15

know you have your ups and downs But the important

23:17

thing is that you you're clinging to the reasons that

23:19

you're all together in the first place and the reasons

23:21

you actually Like yourselves and like each other, you know,

23:23

and sometimes these loose side of those things and sometimes

23:26

you don't like ourselves very much Sometimes you don't like

23:28

others very much. But at the end of the day,

23:30

you love each other. You got to make that work.

23:32

Okay? I'm

23:35

cool with everyone. Yeah, God talk.

23:37

I know you're you're we're peacing upon

23:39

you me You know for two the

23:42

two like-minded souls going around this this

23:44

big old round Toriel,

23:47

you know, I know a lot of people call fair one

23:49

is actually known as Tori People

23:52

talk about that, but that's okay. All right. Well, I

23:54

said you ought to be but then you all take

23:56

care yourselves guard talk I'll miss you

24:00

As a budding geography buff, Gartok's taking

24:03

notes about, ooh, so real, okay.

24:05

Yeah, Gartok, you're a real fool, Har.

24:09

Yeah, and he waves to y'all, and then

24:11

he turns to that one skunk he's been

24:13

giving the sink out to, he's like, you

24:16

know, on that note, I think you and I got to have

24:18

some wood, something deeply sore. I don't want you to run naked

24:20

off of the wood neither. And then he like picks up the

24:22

skunk and he goes back to his, back

24:24

to his swamp shack, because the two of

24:26

you and the hammer's make your way downstream.

24:31

So you travel along, you see the wreckage of

24:33

the boat that you flipped kind of just sticking

24:35

out as an awkward reminder of the night before.

24:38

If anyone's like looking at us, like,

24:40

credit or anything, I was like, that was like that when we got here.

24:43

And he's like, is the boat

24:45

fully wrecked or does it just need to be like righted

24:47

in them heat of water? Oh, at this point it's like,

24:49

it filled up, so kind of half sank, and now it's

24:52

just like stuck in the silt in the garden. Oh yeah,

24:54

yeah, yeah. It's like you could drag it

24:56

out if you wanted to, but you don't really have a lot of reason

24:58

to. We need a boat. You've

25:01

got boats, you're in boats. You think we need a

25:03

boat for butthole? Yeah, when butthole gets back. He can

25:05

fit in. With Fuhr's adjustments, these boats will

25:07

be a little tight, but no, you don't need a

25:09

specific butthole boat unless

25:11

you want a specific butthole boat, in which

25:13

case you could try and drag it out. You're

25:16

both so good at athletics these days, so up to you.

25:18

That modifier was sick on your role for

25:21

athletics. My mind is one compared to

25:23

your whatever that was, plus 20. It's

25:26

a plus seven, I'm very strong. It's a lot. I'm

25:28

wiry, but strong. It's a lot. Garthok also

25:31

has a note quantifying his own strengths. It

25:34

feels like it's this much more than

25:36

the average person. Uh,

25:39

so you go past that. Crennan doesn't comment on

25:42

it, he has no idea what the fuck you're

25:44

talking about. I don't think anyone at camp has

25:46

raised the fact that the king isn't there or

25:48

anything else. Incidentally, also

25:50

for Makah, like the odds of Reginald

25:53

or Archibald or Emily just fucking off

25:55

to go do a thing, very high.

25:57

So like, no questions asked, no questions

25:59

asked. answered, the tone is decidedly

26:01

less jovial, but people

26:04

are committed to it. So

26:06

you continue on down the river a

26:08

ways, and gradually one

26:11

of the shores kind of opens up into a number

26:14

of triangular fields

26:17

around a massive old

26:21

stone structure. So

26:24

the abbey of the golden sheaf

26:26

is almost a pyramid style structure.

26:30

It has sort of temple doors, so weird, the pole

26:33

I have in my head is like a necro on

26:35

ship, that doesn't make any sense for this, but it's

26:37

a croissant. Yeah, it's a croissant, that's why it's golden

26:39

sheaf. No

26:43

it's just sort of a large triangular building. It

26:46

has a number of triangular shields

26:48

that spread outward from the center. It's

26:50

a large kind of walled abbey

26:52

with spires out of the sort of triangular

26:55

structure, and you can tell that each field

26:57

has been cut into quadrants. The

27:00

exterior triangular field has been cut

27:02

into quadrants? Yeah, like

27:05

a food pyramid. Oh, okay,

27:07

thank you. You're welcome. My

27:09

mind's just soft for a second trying

27:11

to picture it. Yeah, no, it's a

27:13

triangular field, they still have to have

27:15

subdivisions within it. The

27:20

pyramid itself has an earthen exterior

27:24

and is sort of covered with old

27:26

vines. You can tell

27:28

that a lot of the surrounding forestry has been

27:30

cleared out to kind of make more

27:32

room for this, and you can see a variety

27:35

of people out sort of checking

27:37

the fields. They're all wearing

27:39

very simple sort of

27:42

almost burlap style investments,

27:45

obviously not as like scratchy or uncomfortable as

27:47

burlap, but just that kind of really earthy,

27:49

tough style of

27:51

fabric. The folks out working the

27:53

fields have large, almost like

27:56

winged hats to keep the sun off of them,

27:58

are moving with baskets, and you can... You

28:00

can see people like, you can see them telling

28:02

jokes and kind of riffing with each

28:04

other as they work the field. It seems like everyone is

28:06

in really good spirits and

28:09

enjoying their time outside.

28:12

Upon seeing you, someone in kind of one

28:14

of the upper spires just

28:17

rings a bell a few times and

28:19

the folks in the field kind of look

28:21

up, see the boats coming, and they start

28:23

to wave and you see someone leave the

28:26

abbey and start kind of picking

28:28

up his skirt and just like

28:31

running towards the riverbank. He

28:33

trips at one point and gets up, dusts himself off, kind

28:36

of says something to himself, stays himself and

28:38

then takes off running again. And

28:41

you can see docks, small docks that

28:43

are set up and he just sort

28:45

of yells out, ahoy there, pardon

28:47

me travelers, do you need rest

28:49

or care of any sort? We

28:52

have food to spare and fresh

28:54

beds and good stories to

28:56

tell and good spirits. Do

28:59

you also have a large naked man with

29:01

a wolf? That's an

29:04

oddly specific request, but

29:07

no I don't believe we do,

29:09

but please, please come in. You're

29:12

clearly in search of someone. Perhaps someone here has seen

29:14

someone matching that description. Please, please come in. He

29:17

gestures to the docks. His

29:20

is made of the same burlap material, but

29:22

has been like, it's the equivalent

29:24

of if you try to make like whole

29:27

investments out of burlap. So it has the

29:29

visual look of a very like, hello, I

29:31

run an abbey, but it is all made

29:33

of the same material. So there's really no

29:36

distinguishing. It's like an unpainted miniature, just sort

29:38

of standing there and he just patiently waits

29:41

to see if you pull up. Heck

29:44

yeah. Great. So

29:46

you pull in

29:48

and he just

29:50

smiles broadly and

29:52

says, oh yes, welcome, welcome

29:54

friends to the abbey

29:57

of the golden sheaf. It

30:00

is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. My

30:03

name is Stuffens McGassie and

30:06

I am one of the brothers of the

30:09

Golden Chief. We

30:12

serve here to ensure that food

30:14

and sucker reaches all corners of the

30:16

dair lands and we also do some

30:19

wonderful trading with folks from

30:21

outside and travelers like yourselves. So if you

30:23

have any exciting seeds or things you would

30:25

like to trade that we could perhaps grow

30:27

in one of our many triangular fields separated

30:30

in quadrants, we would be

30:32

most happy to trade

30:34

with you. But food and

30:37

rest are not for

30:39

sale. They are free and welcome to you.

30:41

So please come in. We'll see if we

30:44

can figure out some more information about your

30:46

naked bald friend. Yes? Wait,

30:48

I didn't say he was bald. Yeah.

30:51

Well, what is it? Just a DM. Hang

30:53

on. Back to the character. I figured. Perhaps

30:56

he has hair. I don't know. You

30:58

tell me. Anyway, please, please,

31:00

come in, come in. Thank

31:03

you. Hi, I'm Gartok. Gartok,

31:05

it is a pleasure to make your

31:07

acquaintance. And yours. Oh, thank you.

31:09

That's very nice of you. And how about you, sir?

31:13

Queenie. Queenie, it is very nice to make your

31:15

acquaintance as well. And he proceeds to do this

31:17

to each and every hammer in

31:19

turn. And then he

31:21

welcomes you off the boat. You

31:24

just watch three actors all the way like, do we make him

31:26

do it? And

31:28

we all decided on two, we like to

31:30

come. But we thought about it. This time.

31:33

Yeah. After the 15 sins, I

31:35

think we're good to have a

31:37

little refractory period before we enter

31:40

that. So he

31:42

reaches into his pockets and just holds out trailbicks.

31:44

He says, can I interest you in a snack on

31:46

your way to the Abbey? This

31:49

guy's awesome. Yes. I'm

31:52

a I'm a little bit peckish. Thank you.

31:55

Pick away. And he

31:57

just like, and over in your lap. Oh, sweet. Yeah,

32:00

there you go. I've got plenty for everyone and

32:02

he holds out more fistful than like some of

32:04

the the hammer is taking it Quitty, I assume

32:06

you can't say no to pocket snacks It

32:09

turns out I can oh interesting. All

32:11

right. We're all learning today. Me too

32:13

learning about myself when he's saying no

32:15

Yeah Fucking shocker. Yep.

32:18

So, um, uh brother stuffins brings you

32:20

uh, sort of uh down

32:23

a path towards this place And the abbey just

32:25

kind of looms larger and larger the closer you

32:27

get it's one thing to kind of see at

32:29

a distance But particularly everything around it having been

32:31

turned into fields It's just the size of this

32:33

thing is is actually very impressive as you get

32:35

closer Um, and he welcomes

32:37

you inside Uh the massive

32:39

um old sort of earthen doors

32:41

creek open Um, not

32:43

because of made wood but because they have to be dragged

32:46

and it's kind of that like stone Yeah

32:48

screeching thing, uh, and before

32:50

you see uh, sort of a a

32:52

large open space there's light coming

32:54

in from Some slats in the

32:57

ceiling that have been Tinted

33:00

to kind of cast golden light

33:02

down onto the space. There is

33:04

a massive, um carved statue of

33:07

uh, chantea uh,

33:09

the uh the goddess of the

33:11

harvest who quinny I think you would be

33:13

familiar with not necessarily the patron of um,

33:17

uh cornucopia, but definitely a god that was like

33:19

it'd almost be like a like your

33:22

Local patron's best friend kind of god

33:24

where it's like everyone's everyone's down with

33:26

with chantea. Um Chantea,

33:28

I don't know. Uh, well chantea that's how I started with uh,

33:31

so she is a very

33:34

very Uh like curvy and volumptuous

33:36

lady arms thrown wide open and

33:38

they've managed to carve like

33:41

all manner of like Fruit and vegetable and

33:43

grain just kind of like flying out from

33:45

her almost like she's done pocket sand. Wow

33:47

Uh, she's got a big smile on her

33:50

face. Uh, and you note that she's kicking

33:52

her heels up and little heel click Um

33:55

in the air, um, she's wearing like big

33:57

flowing robes and just generally uh like

34:00

a ghost of Christmas present level

34:02

of joy and exuberance carved on

34:04

this massive statue. And

34:06

grouped around the base of it are all

34:09

manner of offerings from all the different fields.

34:11

You see exotic fruits and vegetables from places

34:13

you don't even know. They're all, you know,

34:16

relatively close enough to stuff you know that nothing's

34:18

like, what the fuck is that? Like, oh,

34:21

okay, I didn't know that Zucchini grew in a

34:23

star shape. That's kind of fucked up, but all

34:26

right, cool. That

34:28

said, people are taking from the offerings

34:30

and eating as well as they move around. So you

34:32

can tell that it's sort of a create

34:34

the feast in honor of the God, but

34:37

it's not, you know, the ancient Greek thing of like,

34:39

and then we burn it so Zeus

34:41

can enjoy it. So

34:43

you can see people kind of picking up snacks from there.

34:45

And there are various people throughout there. There are a number

34:47

of pews set up. There are a number of different

34:52

sort of those beautiful old almost

34:55

almanac style charts where it's like pointing to different

34:57

parts of a plant and explaining kind of what's

34:59

going on as well as crop rotation, all that

35:01

sort of stuff. So it's a very functional sort

35:03

of central room, but sort of a large joint

35:06

temple worship slash functional space.

35:09

You can see people packing things into bags and other

35:12

things to send elsewhere. And there are a number of

35:14

people in here. It's a busy place. A

35:16

lot of folks in burlap, but also some

35:18

fellow travelers who are sitting around. So

35:22

Stefan's brings you in and says, Oh, we

35:24

should probably speak to the

35:26

watchful sister of the earth. She is

35:29

in charge of the Abbey and would be happy to

35:31

assist you in anything. I

35:33

believe she is currently addressing some of

35:36

our acolytes just over this way. And

35:39

he brings you over and there

35:41

is a woman who just looks

35:43

like old leather. Like she's just

35:46

clearly like farmer. She's been out

35:48

in the sun a long time, completely

35:52

bald. She has a sort of a

35:54

sigil of a wheat sheath tattooed kind

35:56

of on her forehead leading up almost

35:58

like a mohawk down a across the back of her

36:00

head, very, very

36:02

kindly eyes under big thick tinted glasses.

36:05

You can tell that sun damage has

36:07

done its work. So she

36:09

kind of peers through those, a little bit

36:11

hunched, very ropey, very wiry, very gar-tocked style

36:13

strength. She's got those like knobby hands from

36:15

someone who's really been out there working with

36:17

a tool. You can tell

36:19

she's got an old kind of

36:22

dull harvesting scythe slung

36:24

across her back as

36:26

well as just a

36:28

robbly filled amount of pouches and

36:31

just of all manner of things.

36:33

And she's currently addressing some other

36:35

folks in acolyte gear as

36:38

you approach. And Stuffins just

36:40

says, sister

36:43

Harkness, we have travelers.

36:47

And the sister turns and just kind

36:50

of greets you with a grin and

36:52

says, hello there, yeah, you're

36:54

gonna need to wait a couple seconds. I'm just speaking

36:57

to a few of our new acolytes.

37:01

Pardon me. And she turns back and

37:03

in a much kinder voice says, and that's all

37:05

you need to know about how

37:07

to turn the manure. And

37:10

there's muttered grumbling and everyone kind of smiles and nods

37:12

and stands up. You

37:14

know, there's like a dwarf and an elf and

37:17

a tall bald man in a robe. So

37:20

butthole, what do you say as you rise? Butthole

37:31

stands up and just says, thank you so much.

37:33

I look forward to turning the poop. That's

37:36

all we ask. You will do well here.

37:40

What name does she call you by? She calls him

37:42

Brother Ted. You shall

37:44

do well here, Brother Ted, you

37:47

and your companion. Oh, yeah, yeah.

37:49

My dog Bernard. He's great. All

37:51

right. So I'm gonna go turn

37:53

some shit. Thank you. Thank you so much. Now,

37:56

I turn the next. Yeah, we got to

37:58

go. Well, hold on. Hold

38:01

on, what? Are you confused about the turning of poop? Uh,

38:04

no. We know that guy. We gotta... Well,

38:07

you know Brother Ted. His name is

38:10

Bono. We know Brother Ted. We know Brother

38:12

Ted. I need a deception check to disadvantage

38:14

from both of you now because Quitty... Oh,

38:16

that was a nat 20. Oh,

38:19

that's a 4. I

38:22

got a rock. 9, 13, 22. Oh,

38:31

but Gartok failed. But

38:34

you said you didn't... All

38:36

right, I gotta roll for her, I guess. All right. We

38:38

got 10. So

38:42

she just kind of narrows her eyes

38:44

and tilts the glasses down and just

38:47

says, while it seems

38:49

like you maybe know Brother Ted, but you

38:51

also seem to be calling him by a

38:53

fairly offensive sounding name from the sounds of

38:56

things. Yeah, I'm mad at him, but we're

38:58

friends. So yeah, Brother Ted does. So

39:01

wait, you're mad at him. So you have brought

39:03

violence and... I didn't think I was gonna hit

39:05

him. We're having

39:08

a slight misunderstanding at the moment

39:10

and it's led to some

39:12

unfortunate words being exchanged. We've

39:15

come here hoping to find him and make

39:17

amends. I see. I

39:19

see. And you value the exchange of words,

39:21

do you? We do.

39:24

Excellent. So do you know what an oath is? I

39:26

do. I've actually taken a very important oath

39:28

myself that has defied my path in life.

39:31

Oh, okay. So an oath has value to

39:33

you then? Absolutely. Well, Brother Ted has sworn

39:36

an oath to Chantea to serve as

39:38

a brother of his abbey. So if

39:40

you want to have words with him, you'll

39:42

have to wait. There's a glaze at Quinnie.

39:44

Quinnie just rolls his eyes like this, motherfucker.

39:46

We got a job to do. Have

39:50

to wait until he has done his

39:52

shift. Everyone here pulls their weight. Well,

39:56

how long is the shift? Well,

39:58

he's out there for... out

40:00

the second half of the day. We have a siesta,

40:02

you see. It's when you break your day up with

40:04

a little nap in the middle. So

40:06

siestas just happen. That means that shift is

40:09

done and our brother Ted

40:11

and Bork

40:14

brother Bernard are

40:16

off on their shift. So

40:18

they will be turning the poop for half a day. But

40:21

the... Oh, well, that's perfect. Why is

40:23

that perfect? Why is that perfect? Well, because we

40:25

have no seeds to share and we have to

40:27

give some sort of offering. But what I can

40:29

do is spend eight hours and enrich the land

40:31

for an entire year so that when you harvest

40:33

it, it yields twice the crop. Okay,

40:37

that sounds excellent. Well, thank you,

40:40

small goblin. That is greatly appreciated.

40:43

Yeah, it's like a half mile radius.

40:45

So maybe I'll just go wherever the middle of

40:47

all the fields are. I mean, is it... She's

40:50

like... She's really into this. Okay,

40:52

well, hang on. And she brings over... Yeah, let's

40:55

figure out exactly the most efficient way to do this.

40:58

Drawing the tower, like angles, be like, wow, if we send

41:00

you up the tower, then like maybe, but... And

41:02

so the two of you go off and start to figure that

41:04

out. Um, Quinny,

41:07

that kind of just leaves you standing there. Gartok

41:10

is going to help raise the crops. Brother

41:14

Ted is seen to the fields. How

41:16

are you going to help the temple?

41:19

Yeah, fucking exploding undead. Let's

41:21

go gardening. Let's

41:28

grow goddamn tomatoes. It's

41:30

not like the lives of everyone

41:32

I've ever met hanging the balance in

41:34

the one nation we keep them in. Admittedly, you do

41:36

know a lot about farming. Yeah, but

41:39

I'm like, I just don't... Like

41:41

I don't care right now. Yeah, fair enough. You'll

41:43

pull a squall from FFA and just brood in a

41:45

corner for a bit. I'm

41:47

going to wait for everyone

41:49

to eat and get rest because that's the

41:51

plan for this thing. If

41:53

we can't convince Butthold to join us by then,

41:55

I'm leaving without him because a lot of people

41:58

are counting on us. I

42:00

know that I have

42:02

never, I think, been

42:04

able to change Butthole's

42:07

mind. That guy is

42:10

the personification of an unstoppable force if I've ever

42:12

met one. He went into hell and rescued me.

42:15

He's been to hell twice. He

42:19

cut up gods and made a body for me. Just

42:21

kind of whatever he wants to do, he does. Even

42:24

if it's insane. Like

42:27

worshipping a god that farts and no one's

42:30

ever heard of. And he spreads that shit

42:32

all to and fro wherever he goes. And

42:35

then he became a god. And a king. And

42:38

he killed his mom. He killed his own mother.

42:40

And then he carried on. Didn't

42:42

even take a beat to think about it. So

42:44

fuck him. He'll do whatever he wants. I gotta go.

42:47

I love that this is your internal body. I'm

42:50

not talking anymore. I do. Yeah.

42:53

Yeah. Amazing. Alright.

42:56

You work on that. You

42:58

work on a speech you can only give to your fellow. Uh,

43:02

Gar Talk, can you roll me

43:04

a nature check please? Sure. With

43:07

advantage because Sister Harkness is

43:09

helping you. I'm

43:12

fine. You

43:16

and Sister Harkness quickly realized

43:18

need to review is particularly good at

43:20

angles or physis. And she's

43:22

like, oh, I don't know. Fuck it. I'll let it grow.

43:27

Okie dokie. Yep. Okay.

43:30

Thank you, Gar Talk. Alright. And

43:33

I'm like, I'll see you later. And he's

43:35

just gonna wheel around

43:37

and see approximate middle of some

43:39

sort of field and just like

43:41

lay on the grass for eight hours. Lay in

43:43

the middle. And just

43:45

start fishing. Flip the wheel. Damn

43:49

down. Amazing.

43:51

And just commune with the earth. Amazing. That's

43:54

really nice for Gar Talk. He's having a wonderful day. Yeah.

43:57

Look, Gar Talk got his group

43:59

back. So yeah, so

44:01

Garchog Communes with nature is just

44:03

resting. Quinnie, you are

44:05

brooding. Brother

44:08

Ted, you are turning

44:10

some manure. So let's get an

44:13

athletics check from you. Oh, amazing. Are

44:15

you... What would be going through Butthole's

44:17

head right now, if anything, or is he just committed to...

44:20

I know Butthole tends to buy into people's

44:22

mythology as per your level one character sheet.

44:26

Have you bought into the Brother Ted thing, or is this

44:28

a... Oh, I'm Brother Ted. I'm

44:30

just a guy. I'm here to

44:32

turn some shit and do some digging. I'm

44:35

happy to work for Chantilly, the god of

44:37

whatever. There's a lot of poop here,

44:39

so it works for me. And then when

44:41

I die, sure, I'm going to become a god

44:44

or whatever. But for now, I'm just Brother Ted.

44:46

All right, go ahead and roll me an athletics

44:48

check for turning that poop. That's

44:51

a seven. Seven. I

44:53

mean, with the size you are,

44:56

you turn the poop really well. Not

44:58

effectively for growing things. This isn't a...

45:00

I'm Brother Ted, you know, we're just starting day

45:02

one and poop stuff. So like, I'm normally a fart

45:05

guy. I mean, I'm not. I'm Brother

45:07

Ted. But Brother Ted's a nothing. But like, if I were a

45:09

fart guy, this is a poop thing. So you know what? I'm

45:11

starting my own journey. And you know what the end destination is?

45:14

Being right here every day until I

45:16

die and then become whatever. Just like everybody

45:18

else, you become whatever. This is

45:20

a good day. It smells in here. Snort

45:23

snort, says Brother Bernard. That's

45:27

a good pig sound, Brother Bernard. Both of us are going to

45:29

roll around and poop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This

45:31

is our life. Snort snort snort. Speedy

45:33

past. Snort snort. Snort snort. Snort

45:35

snort. Camera pans, back across, quit.

45:37

He just... I'm like, oh,

45:39

fucking... He killed his dad too. Is that... Is

45:42

your fucking... Okay. There's more.

45:44

I'm thinking about it. Yeah, yeah. He's

45:47

running through the series. What's the new stuff? Oh,

45:49

definitely like he killed his dad. He was made in a

45:51

lab and tortured every day. And he turned out

45:54

like a good guy. Like he just

45:56

decides to do stuff. I

46:00

don't think that I know this he must

46:02

have recapped it for me But he was dropped naked

46:04

into the desert in another dimension and

46:06

an entire town rallied around him And

46:10

that this is the sheriff. This is the body of the sheriff that

46:12

he met Probably

46:21

are also aware that there was a sheriff Yeah,

46:30

yeah, yeah, he got mad

46:32

and made up a different personality and made

46:34

I think millions on a book deal about

46:36

it Don't

46:38

even get started on reginald. Yeah the

46:42

camera continues to pan To

46:46

to guard talk just you know laying

46:48

there you can feel it all

46:50

over Yeah, all over just a

46:52

big big smile And

46:56

then you you hear a gasp near

46:59

you and a

47:01

voice says Hey

47:04

now how Pardon

47:06

me. I don't mean to bother you there

47:08

little little goblin fella, but do you

47:11

tell me how you got that there chair? Sorry

47:17

and you open up your eyes and see Wibigot

47:22

Bridge a a

47:25

Wizzened old fella who

47:27

used to run the barbershop that juniper

47:30

you got more than one haircut at back

47:33

in tomb slab He

47:36

says I didn't mean to bother you. It's just that

47:39

sheriff Well, they used to belong

47:41

to to my pal the

47:43

deputy sheriff. What's the name? will

47:46

will begot bridge Oh Wilbogot

47:50

is that really you? uh

47:54

Last a check who are you wait

47:56

how long have you been here? Uh

47:58

well? I

48:01

thought everyone from Tomb Slab was lost.

48:04

Yeah, and then I got found here. How do you know

48:06

about Tomb Slab? Do you know the deputy? I'm

48:09

Sheriff Moss. And he

48:11

just looks, What the fuck?

48:13

And he just throws his arms

48:16

around you and begins to cry.

48:19

This episode of Dum Dum's and Dragons

48:21

features the voices of Ryan LaPlante at

48:23

the Ryan LaPlante on Twitter. Tyler Hewitt

48:25

at Tyler underscore Hewitt on Twitter. Laura

48:27

Hamstra at EL Hamstring on Twitter. And

48:29

RTM Tom McGee at MickeyTD on Twitter.

48:31

This episode Sound was edited and mixed

48:33

by Laura Hamstra. And Dum Dum's and

48:35

Dragons artwork is by Del Moravic who

48:37

can be found at delmoravic.com. Our

48:40

theme songs are, and now for that massive

48:42

coronary and skipping through the orchestra bit, Part

48:44

1 by Peter Gresser. And our ad music

48:46

is no control and cheaps by Jazz Art.

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J-A-H-Z-Z-A-R, all available at Slee Music archive.org. When

48:51

it comes to Dum Dum's and

48:54

Dice, you can visit our website

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at dumdumdice.com. Our Twitter and Instagram

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