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1:46

Welcome back to Dum Dum's and Dragons, where

1:49

improvisers who've never role played before journey into

1:51

the world of Dungeons and Dragons. I

1:53

am the great wizard, Bukake, your host.

1:56

Our heroes are triangulating zombies. Butthole realized

1:58

that they're the best. if they could

2:00

identify the puppet strings' direction, they could find

2:03

the zombie's master. Juniper made her way to

2:05

the theater, and Quinni tracked the zombie strings

2:07

at the docks. But why did

2:09

Lexi the Bard recognize Juniper, and what does

2:11

that mean for our heroes? Find

2:14

out next on Doms

2:16

Doms and Dray

2:18

Gods! Juniper,

2:24

you are staring down an

2:27

incredibly aghast Satyr.

2:29

What's a Satyr? A Satyr is a

2:31

half goat half person. Mr. Tumnus. Yeah,

2:34

Mr. Tumnus. She's

2:37

got a mop of curly

2:40

blonde hair, little pointed ears, very

2:43

bright violet eyes, has just

2:46

completely fumbled her pan flute.

2:50

She's wearing a long coat, and is just

2:53

kind of strapped with a lute over her

2:55

back. You can see a harp stuffed into

2:57

one of the pockets, clearly just like a

2:59

lot of instrumentation. And she is

3:02

staring at you with her jaw down,

3:04

just a gog, having just

3:07

declared, holy shit, that's Juniper.

3:10

Hi, yes, I am. I'm

3:13

sorry, have we met? I'm

3:15

so sorry, I apologize if I don't

3:17

apologize. Oh my god, no, of course,

3:19

no, you don't need to apologize for anything. I

3:22

need to apologize because I'm being a fucking mess right now, I'm being

3:24

a fucking mess in front of... Okay.

3:27

You were beautiful eyes, has anyone ever told you that? Oh my

3:29

god, no, yes, yes, yes, they have, a

3:31

couple people, and I didn't believe them because

3:33

I'm working on that, but thank you, that's

3:35

very kind. So do you,

3:37

you have so many aspects to

3:40

you that are amazing, and you're here and

3:42

you're talking to me and that's a whole

3:44

thing. I'm sorry, I've written songs about

3:46

you, and this is

3:49

deeply weird for me. What? Yeah,

3:52

I, sorry, I should introduce myself. Hi, I'm Lexi,

3:54

I'm clearly a little... Yes, like, even if you're

3:56

looking for you. Okay,

3:58

wow. Okay, okay, okay,

4:01

great, great. Okay,

4:06

this is a very odd day

4:08

for Lexi. Cool, great. Why

4:10

don't we just do this, hi, I'm Juniper, reaches out

4:12

his hand, just to like, let's just- Shake

4:15

the hand. Say hi, hi. I'm

4:18

sorry, look, I've been following you and

4:20

your dum-dums for a while.

4:24

I've been hearing about your exploits, I've written

4:26

songs, I've heard the

4:28

tales, and it's quite something

4:30

to meet you in person, here

4:33

with the zombies and the singing. Wow,

4:36

that's lovely,

4:38

thank you. Thank

4:40

you, you saved the world. I

4:43

mean- There were a lot of us. I

4:45

know, I know, but you followed your scroll

4:47

and you slowed down the great- You know

4:49

about that, huh? I have been collecting every

4:52

story about the dum-dums I can, but

4:54

I've been particularly fascinated by your journey. Are

4:57

you here because of the- are you guys dealing with the- I

5:01

mean, there's

5:03

a little something we're doing here. Wow, that's incredible. I'm

5:05

also just really happy you're not dead. I kind of

5:07

heard some rumors that may be like- Well,

5:12

I'm not dead, correct. Great, okay. Amazing.

5:14

I have to go into it. Great, okay, well,

5:16

look, I don't want to get in the way

5:18

of all of this. I can't

5:21

believe I'm seeing Juniper

5:23

solving the Chief Justice

5:25

Juniper, solving a real

5:27

life problem. Oh my God. Okay,

5:30

you go ahead. I'll just

5:32

be over here if you need help. I'm

5:34

right here, just arm's length. You

5:37

do your thing. Thanks. I'm just going

5:39

to go in if you don't mind. Oh, you want me to show you

5:41

where the- Yeah, just have a little look

5:43

around, not disrupt anything. Okay,

5:45

well, not to be too much of a Bucky or anything, but like-

5:47

Oh, you know Bucky? Of course I know Bucky. I

5:49

know- look, neither the time- I think you

5:52

and Bucky would be really good friends, to

5:54

be honest. Really? That's very nice.

5:56

I appreciate that, but look,

5:58

we should deal with the undead. thing. Okay,

6:02

so she leads you into the temple

6:04

and it is acoustically perfect in here.

6:06

It's one of those sort of rooms

6:08

that has been built specifically for perfect

6:10

echo, perfect sound. And

6:14

it is stunningly decorated from floor to ceiling

6:16

and yet not in a way that's overwhelming

6:18

or in a way where the styles clash.

6:20

If there needs to be a delineation of

6:22

artwork, it's been done. Very clearly a temple

6:24

to a creative deity. So

6:27

Lexi leads you in with kind of the clop

6:29

of her hooves. And you can see

6:31

that before this kind of

6:34

large choir that is just as bedraggled as

6:36

the bartender, this kind of singing, it's a

6:38

little bit like the In a Gabadavita joke

6:40

in The Simpsons where they get to the

6:42

end of it. They're all just like very

6:44

like carried and kind of disheveled. And

6:47

there's just bell ringers just ringing

6:49

these massive fucking bells as

6:53

they continue to sing. And there's just

6:56

artists running around handing out water so

6:58

that people can like take sips on

7:00

the go. This is very much, you

7:02

know, they're all added. And

7:05

sure enough, in there's

7:07

sort of rounded sort

7:09

of crescent moon style pews kind

7:11

of aiming inward towards this in

7:14

perfect kind of acoustic listening spaces

7:16

around this massive room. So

7:19

Sits a dwarven zombie.

7:23

She's got long braided hair, an axe

7:26

sunk in her collarbone, very

7:29

very deep, is

7:31

wearing chain mail and

7:33

is sitting there eyes

7:35

closed just swinging slightly. And

7:38

she's the one zombie? There

7:40

are others lining the wall

7:43

standing by but they're just

7:45

standing there. And waiting like okay. And

7:48

she explains that too. She's like the whole time I've been

7:50

here I've only seen this one. They've been listening very very

7:52

intently. The rest of them have been nearby.

7:54

No one Has touched them. And She

7:57

points out on the floor where there's just like a

7:59

massive blast. Mater Pattern

8:01

Odd says on as I understand it

8:03

before I got here someone one of

8:05

the the guards try to move one

8:07

of them and exploded. so I've just

8:10

been trying to triangulate. Ah, How

8:12

far the blast radius is in case does way

8:14

to do with magic rican maybe like. Do

8:17

something but it really it's it's wide and

8:19

it it looks like it for the body

8:22

and shrapnel so ah it's it's not theirs

8:24

as a magical blast but then also bit

8:26

of a bone said about selling points out

8:28

various places where you can see as his

8:30

like so. Out that

8:33

as as the rest of the don't seem to

8:35

be listening can see this one swaying. These ones

8:37

aren't there oldest it stand there. Just.

8:40

Gimme a does. give me a minute to do something

8:42

see, don't mind and I'm gonna cast detect. Magic to

8:44

see if I. Yeah and she

8:46

just like Fox after core with Lindgren

8:48

bar and and watches step I am.

8:50

You see the the Wisp kind of

8:52

coming off as a further one that's

8:55

listening. You can see the years glowing.

8:58

And there aren't any wisps on the

9:00

hands or feet. Ah, I'm

9:02

just kind of off the

9:04

head and the drop points

9:07

is directly east. So.

9:11

Towards old chancel. As. Hang

9:13

on to. Well.

9:16

That answers that and out the rest of them.

9:18

It's kind of that. Digital that little bit

9:21

as yeah lower alley at this point

9:23

to basically see those it's. Almost

9:26

like I'm. Like an access

9:28

point like a hawk point. like if if someone

9:30

else needed, they're just as it's the same kind

9:32

of glow, just isn't being pulled than any direct

9:35

yeah, Yeah, okay, well I mean

9:37

that and says that. Ah,

9:39

I'm. Because you

9:41

like he bite ever Are you gonna not

9:43

break things off with like. Ah,

9:49

I see this guy turns to Lexi

9:51

says know. That.

9:55

I mean, I've learned that. That's

9:58

to death. they are. you. Although.

10:01

I have no idea how how.

10:05

To. Bring

10:09

my breasts. It's

10:12

think he is. Ah, Is there. Is

10:14

there anything else that you've learned? or?

10:17

Or or or or or or I

10:19

wish of work in the The or

10:21

I could persuade people and I've got

10:23

kind of bartick stuff for that and

10:26

to have a lot of detection based

10:28

sauce or just and. Would. Have

10:30

been I said triangulate early but really have just been. Looking

10:33

have just been looking in which you the blast

10:35

powder home remember much about it for so know.

10:38

What you go you need so that that's

10:41

great Thank you Also. Have four. Oh,

10:43

one more question and. I.

10:45

Imagine if the singing stops. Volume

10:47

Desperate must have to be these particular

10:50

voices or I'd have three members of

10:52

of the that the choir. I know

10:54

that there's a couple of like exhausted

10:56

people sleeping your so they're they're Luckily

10:58

there were a couple of backups that

11:01

that have been swapping in and out

11:03

but know it's. There.

11:05

Aren't replacements for everyone in the section. So it

11:07

it's been of although the singers of had to

11:10

learn but we can't bring another singer so some

11:12

have been Have you see? a little bit off

11:14

key and he gets a little bit agitated when

11:16

that happens but otherwise it's has it's fine. Are.

11:20

You doing okay? I.

11:22

Guess I mean ah. Yes,

11:25

it's very kind of you to ask. I

11:27

have or camps cut out here trying to

11:29

help out. I dispense along singing about other

11:32

people do cool things you think maybe wonder

11:34

you should try. So that's kind of what

11:36

I came here to do and now I've

11:38

helped you are on your quest for that's

11:40

that's pretty great, but I don't really feel

11:42

okay about this until those folks and go

11:44

to bed. Yeah

11:47

yeah well. And

11:49

she can a lower their voices

11:51

were working on it and gives

11:53

her a wink said okay cool

11:55

Will all all or down the

11:57

fort here and. Maybe.

12:01

I'll. See you and the others.

12:03

It's funky to oh god it's okay

12:05

I'll just don't see here of the

12:07

here you you. Yeah. You

12:09

think you buy. Some.

12:12

He told us fuck were you know

12:14

cats just goes. insists on where the

12:17

pews and are. Just. Like

12:19

color commercial to use your leaving

12:21

and just like beat read this

12:23

guy. Punky town. And you mention

12:25

funky town? Much.

12:29

That's just insurance. Had a clear

12:31

that not all. This

12:34

is might have caught sight

12:36

of back on. It when

12:38

we get finish this will be back

12:40

and ask guards you you're welcome to

12:42

come over. And we can veto threat

12:44

you? Really? Yeah oh okay great

12:46

thank you thank you ma'am and

12:49

more. Incredible to realize they're both

12:51

yelling over require yep yep yep

12:53

they think is it. Was really

12:55

delighted when he is the owner

12:57

was all my pleasure out shit

12:59

of the the put little in

13:01

part anger thank you thank you.

13:03

To work with. Device. By.

13:07

See later. Own. It's a

13:09

simple folks up thrive a

13:11

earth power dynamics of the

13:14

race. Are you saying that?

13:16

So see theory that you

13:18

look it up as a

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the. Ad or

17:25

the of Palace of Beauty. but

17:28

who you are, you are attending

17:30

a plane. So you approach the

17:32

pulse of Beauty which is a

17:35

garish nightmare. or it is over

17:37

designed in a. Like. a

17:39

a a theme park level of

17:42

of nonsense or you know those

17:44

giant tragedy in comedy masks that

17:46

cast a shadow of them that

17:48

joe moves across the the ground

17:51

it is just over done in

17:53

the extreme i'm but it is

17:55

large is a large amphitheatre and

17:58

it is ringed by by

18:00

zombies sort of standing by and There

18:03

is a single zombie sitting in

18:05

kind of them the perfect middle

18:07

of the amphitheater watching very tired

18:10

Tragedians perform

18:12

the the tragedy of Carcass

18:15

and the fall of nethriel you're

18:17

arriving just in time for the Arcanist

18:21

Carcass to realize that he has

18:23

caused the fall of

18:25

Empire and he's delivering the last

18:27

lines of his monologue about

18:29

flying too close to the Sun and

18:32

If only he's like holding up, you

18:35

know on his knees as you know The actress

18:37

behind him do a very

18:39

artistic rendition of the city of

18:41

nethriel crashing into the ground and

18:44

it just says Truly

18:47

I have learned that if

18:49

a god is born One

18:52

must allow it to not attempt to seize

18:54

their powers Carcass you fool You

18:56

tried to rise but in doing so

18:59

caused a fall and

19:02

then the city like crumbles behind him and He

19:06

just lowers his hands And

19:09

says so ends the tale of nethriel

19:12

Learn from it or

19:14

face its fate and it looks directly at

19:16

the zombie and the zombie who is a

19:19

Gnome just stands up and

19:22

does the Shilobov

19:24

claps just like full

19:26

like arms out like see a clap. Yeah

19:30

Faster and faster faster and faster and

19:32

faster and

19:35

then you see his his wrist snap

19:38

clapping too hard and the

19:40

gnome looks down at his wrist and Opens

19:43

his mouth and just starts to scream And

19:46

the body starts to expand. I'm duckin behind

19:48

pews The actors on stage are

19:51

like it's happening again and all of them like duck

19:53

behind chunks of Nethriel as

19:56

the gnome just like rapidly

19:58

expands eyes wide mouthful wide

20:00

and pops. There's

20:02

a blast of arcane fire, a purple-green

20:06

explosion, and just

20:09

shrapnel of gnome flies

20:11

everywhere. And from

20:13

backstage, you just show the stage manager and

20:16

say, okay, places for act one.

20:18

And they lower the pockmarked nethoreal

20:21

set that has clearly taken a

20:23

few of these as a human

20:26

dragging one leg shuffles

20:28

from the line of zombies

20:32

and goes to an usher who hands them a

20:34

brochure and guides

20:37

them to the seat and points to the seat.

20:39

And the zombie does the awkward, like, walking in

20:41

front of people's feet shuffle, looks

20:44

at the number, then

20:46

plunks down and just opens the

20:49

program book and stares blankly at

20:51

it. Great. Is there

20:53

a place where Butthole can buy a ticket? Yeah,

20:57

there's a ticket seller who is very

20:59

nervously there as part of the pageantry.

21:01

I'm going to approach that ticket seller.

21:03

Just be like, hello, I

21:05

would like one ticket. I'm

21:07

imagining these tickets are numbered by the seat. And

21:11

she just looks and goes, yeah? Amazing.

21:13

I would like to sit four

21:15

seats behind that person

21:18

that he points to the zombie. Pardon

21:21

me, sir, but you did see the explosion just now. You're

21:23

aware that you'll be in somewhat imminent danger if you sit

21:25

anywhere near that one, eh? Yeah, that's fine. I just want

21:27

to sit a couple rows behind. I'm probably going to watch,

21:29

like, one act and then I got to run. You know,

21:31

I just got to get a little bit of education before

21:33

I go back to work. Okay, well, I think it's safe

21:35

to say this one's on the house. Oh,

21:37

thank you. And I tip. Yeah,

21:40

from beside the booth, you just hear a

21:42

voice say, oh, fine. So you give him

21:44

a fucking discount. He makes me pay full

21:46

price. What does he got to think for

21:49

bald guys? I

21:51

don't know who that is, but thank you for doing

21:53

your job. And he tips this person. He's like, I'm

21:55

sorry, you're getting such a hassle from whoever that is.

22:00

I think you're kind of detaches himself from will

22:02

use clearly like leaning on on the wall comes

22:04

around and he's got a giant fucking Sword on

22:06

his back, which is the first thing you

22:08

notice And you

22:10

know that he's a fallen asmr. So

22:13

kind of angelic features a piercing

22:16

blue eyes Wearing

22:18

sleeveless scale male and just

22:21

kind of comes out around the corner Just

22:23

a very just swaggering with with

22:25

a half mask covering the lower

22:27

part of his face And

22:30

he just puts a hand we're talking like sub-zero half

22:32

mass. I can picture this memory. Great Yeah, he's got

22:34

a big tome hanging off of his hip And

22:37

it kind of glows as he reaches up and

22:39

puts his hand on a sword and he says

22:43

Look, I know you just got a real good deal on

22:45

that ticket and everything but I'm

22:47

pretty sure no one's allowed in there today so I

22:50

can figure out how to deal with this fucking

22:52

zombie audience nonsense Hello

22:56

I'm King but whole farts ruler of

22:58

Asgard formerly known as a car. I'm

23:00

here with my emotional support animal I

23:03

have a ticket and I have permission from the

23:05

Lord High Governor to be able to take a

23:07

look at these zombies So I'm just gonna go

23:09

and they pulls the sword off his back and

23:11

like it does a very like anime sized Unnecessarily

23:13

large sword not pointing it threateningly, but just

23:16

kind of keep you at distance great shield

23:18

comes up hammer-in-hand I do not know why

23:20

you are doing this. This seems like a

23:22

you thing not a me thing Well,

23:24

I just got to go in there and sit

23:26

down with the ticket that I just bought legally

23:28

from this excellent person great So you're the king

23:30

of butts or whatever. My name's Tyrion mare and

23:32

I am investigating this It's my job to figure

23:34

this shit out. I'm gonna do that. I don't

23:36

need you in there fucking it up I'm already

23:38

blowing zombies are already blowing up and I'm gonna

23:40

run out pretty soon So maybe you just sit

23:42

your ass down out here. I'll go figure it

23:44

out and we can talk later Alright,

23:47

you're a me sue. I don't know why this is such a problem for

23:49

you. I blaze you raises the sword

23:51

slightly You got my name wrong. This is only

23:53

fair play. I'm trying to be reasonable here I

23:55

just want to go in and sit down and then

23:57

I will leave I'm not gonna make the zombies explode

24:00

I don't know why you're so aggressive right now. I

24:02

don't know why you're taking this so personally I just

24:04

want to help you solve the same problem You're already

24:06

trying to solve and it seems like it's not going

24:08

well, man You're saying help me solve this problem It

24:10

really sounds like you want to take credit for solving

24:12

this problem, which does me no good means I've wasted

24:14

my fucking time here for months You've

24:17

been here for months, man Yeah,

24:21

and they just keep blowing up that's the

24:23

only been for the last three weeks of shut up

24:25

No, no what was happening before like what's going on?

24:27

It seems like you're having a persuasion Yeah,

24:29

sure. I'm gonna find a guidance on to myself It's

24:35

a eight

24:39

Yeah, what I was doing here is my business so

24:41

your fucking business what are you what are you doing

24:43

here? You're just here to steal a credit for stuff

24:46

that other people and working on I'm trying to make

24:48

a name for myself in this town for fucking months

24:50

And then I finally get a chance these weird zombies

24:52

are doing this weird play watching thing. I'm I'm

24:55

this close. He holds up his other hand like this close

24:57

to figuring it out. It's gonna be great and then maybe

24:59

I can Gain

25:02

some power or some understanding or fucking something But if

25:04

you take that from me, then I'm right back where

25:06

I started three months ago I just have to live

25:08

in this hellhole. All right. What if I promise to

25:10

not touch any of the zombies while I'm here I

25:12

want to go sit in that chair for

25:15

five minutes and then I'm gonna leave and then you don't

25:17

have to fight me There's no risk of you getting hurt.

25:19

I'm not gonna mess with any of your zombies. Apparently they

25:21

only blow up at the end They're not gonna change the

25:23

play. You can have all the credit

25:25

in the world. I'm gonna walk in see some play. Peace

25:27

out Okay, I think I'm

25:29

gonna sit with me if you want Well,

25:31

okay, then You

25:34

can sit with me in there then that sounds

25:36

great. Can we get another ticket but for him?

25:38

I'm sorry I already paid full price. Oh walking

25:40

in it was and then he turns backwards like

25:44

But I picked a seat that's further away from his yeah, can I

25:46

get it? Yeah, let's do the yeah Hey,

25:48

no, no, I got this once

25:53

once I've got a reputation, you know once

25:56

Let's figure out who my patron is I can I can get

25:58

you back. Dad. Oh We can sort

26:00

that we got I know so

26:02

many people who have issues with patrons and parents. Let

26:05

me tell you anyway Wait, you think they go get

26:07

it like it's a brochure Do

26:09

you do one of these you know who these people are? No,

26:13

hey, okay. Oh, okay. Yeah.

26:16

No a lot of people start their journeys like adventures and

26:18

then they're like the show's starting She's like, okay They

26:21

just they kind of have a tough time with parents. It seems

26:23

to be like a runner I think you wait you

26:26

got a problem with your parents Oh, I mean

26:28

I had a problem if you'd asked me that

26:30

had a problem a day ago I

26:33

would have been a wreck but it's been a good

26:35

24 hours. I love corned eggs

26:38

That's that okay. Yeah, cuz like my dad doesn't want anything

26:40

to do with me anymore Ever since

26:42

I ended up in a pact, you

26:45

know stops at the top of the stairs But now you're going

26:47

on to see right now. Okay, so you had the pack thing.

26:49

Yes. Okay We'll go there in a

26:51

second. I got yeah. What you seem like kind of a safe

26:54

Venting spot for me because I don't fucking know you know, probably never see

26:56

again. We might get blown up by the zombie. So yeah Yeah,

26:58

okay great. Um So

27:00

look, I hit the bottle maybe

27:03

a little too hard one night Oh,

27:05

yeah, I was in a bar that specialized

27:07

in magical stuff There was

27:09

you know, like cool drinks just amazingly

27:12

sexy people. It was great. The vibe

27:14

was amazing I got really drunk and

27:17

I was talking to this guy with his tome

27:19

Uh-huh points as to was like that. Okay, right

27:21

talking this guy around a good time. We're having

27:24

a good chat And then things

27:26

get a little bit fuzzy and then I wake

27:28

up in a ditch without my

27:30

pants so like okay classic, uh, but with

27:32

this tone one my belt and The

27:36

ability to summon this sword on my back and

27:39

it turns out it means he's like

27:42

I uh, I kind

27:44

of Maybe made a pact

27:46

with something and now I've got these powers, but

27:48

I don't know who it

27:50

is I don't know what it wants. My

27:53

dad was fucking furious and I've got these

27:55

sorcerer abilities So like those combined with the

27:57

the whole warlocky thing really I

28:00

mean, can I take a look at the book? It

28:03

feels like the book's gonna be really central to this. Do

28:07

you want me to persuasion? Yeah, sure. That

28:11

is a 27. I

28:17

mean, I'll be quick, I promise, man.

28:23

I just, he's like, okay, but like, don't,

28:27

don't fuck this up for me, okay? I'm already, I

28:29

don't want to do that, man. I want help.

28:31

Right, here you go. And Butthole's gonna open

28:33

up the book and he's also just gonna do

28:35

a little like prayer to himself and

28:38

smell it, like rub it

28:40

on his tummy and try

28:42

to use his religious abilities to tell

28:44

what's going on in this book. Right,

28:47

so you smell it, you start rubbing

28:49

it on your belly and

28:51

you're thinking, you're thinking, and you feel a little bit

28:53

lightheaded as you're doing it and you're rubbing it on

28:56

your tummy and when you open your eyes, you

28:59

are standing in a

29:01

brilliantly well-lit room. There

29:06

are clouds kind of passing by

29:09

outside. There's a massive couch and

29:12

a giant pair of eyes

29:15

on the wall that you're peering out of. So like, you

29:17

can see yourself looking through Terri Amar's

29:20

eyes at you doing

29:22

this. Ah. And

29:24

a massive dark shape

29:27

that just seems to exist outside

29:30

of the light spectrum with glowing

29:32

red eyes, large kind of

29:34

pointed shoulders, long spindly fingers,

29:37

turns around with a bucket of popcorn

29:40

and goes, oh shit. Hi,

29:42

so I'm King Butthole and you are, I

29:46

assume, the

29:55

patron that lives inside the book that's given Terri

29:57

a sword. Oh. Yes?

30:02

How did you get into my house? Oh,

30:04

I kind of sniffed and then rubbed the book.

30:06

So... You must be tremendously

30:08

powerful. Oh, thank you. That's very, very kind of you

30:10

today. You want to have a seat and watch this

30:13

guy fuck some shit up. He's really good at it.

30:15

I mean, I'm actually the person that he's looking at

30:17

right now, so I'm gonna try to like do this

30:19

quick. So like, he doesn't

30:21

know who you are, right? No. No, no. No,

30:23

no, no. So like what, you're just like enjoying

30:25

the show kind of thing? Yeah, yeah.

30:28

I mean, and he like takes

30:30

a second to like... Butthole

30:32

will sit down in the bathroom. Yeah, he

30:34

shuffles over and like snaps his fingers and

30:36

like the scary bits fade away. He's like,

30:38

sorry, I have to put on the show when people come in. Just

30:40

like folds down almost a bathrobe and

30:42

like sits down and he says, yeah, yeah, no,

30:45

I just... Not

30:47

all of us are out for power of

30:49

things. I just, I like to pick people

30:52

who are really chaotic

30:54

and fun and weird. Yeah, he seems like a bit

30:56

of a hot mess. He is a hot mess. He

30:58

has wrecked so much stuff and I

31:00

gave him a hex blade to do it and he's just

31:02

been wreaking havoc. And I feel a little bit bad that

31:04

it kind of ruined his relationship with his father, but his

31:06

father kind of seems like a dick. Yeah.

31:10

Okay. So... Popcorn. Oh,

31:12

yeah. Thank you. And he takes... Okay.

31:15

So it's like outside you to see yourself chewing.

31:17

Yep. He's just gonna let this happen. All right. So he knows

31:20

this place fucking super long. He's

31:23

seen this one before. It's like me actually Ryan going

31:26

to Hamlet being like, oh my God, there are a

31:28

lot of axes. Oh, yeah. There's still like fucking... Karsus

31:30

hasn't even come out. Oh, I got hours. Yeah.

31:33

Bernard wants his nuts up on the tower wall. Okay.

31:36

So you gave him the sword because you

31:38

like the chaos. Yes, yes. And I'm imagining

31:40

like usually packs have that flow back and forth,

31:42

but it seems like you just did it to see what

31:44

happens. Just be entertained. You know, I've been

31:46

alive a long time living in these spiritual realms for

31:48

a long time. You know, I got into my little

31:51

scuffles with other patrons and other things. But comes

31:53

a time when you just kind of put your

31:55

feet up and just watch things

31:58

unfold. That what fools these... mortals

32:00

be that makes a lot of sense so is

32:03

it gonna like shit the bed

32:05

for you if I tell him that like he's just

32:07

got to keep doing cool stuff I

32:10

mean he's doing it so naturally right now

32:12

if you tell him like will

32:14

you not change the observed object I

32:17

think innately by coming in here I may have already

32:19

changed the observed object just go and say I didn't

32:21

see anything he'll just believe you that's true but if

32:23

you look I'm just standing there chewing invisible popcorn and

32:26

my mouth is moving you know what your method is

32:28

so maybe you just say that's how you commune with

32:30

your God or whatever I mean I

32:32

can try it I'm not a great liar so

32:34

okay so okay but I yeah

32:37

it seems like you just have fun he's doing his thing

32:39

here's the question is there a way we could help un-fuck

32:43

the relationship with his dad because realistically if

32:46

that's bad he's got to resolve that on

32:48

his own right now he thinks it's good

32:50

solely because he doesn't have it hmm he

32:53

doesn't know who you are but it seems like you I guess not

32:56

that you did this but we're talking about

32:58

somebody's like own perspective seems like he thinks

33:00

you took his dad oh no no no

33:03

no he look he was already you've met

33:05

him sarcastic he's brash he's handsome that's a

33:07

bad combination and he has wild magic so

33:09

like he's he was stirring

33:11

some shit up he's his dad is oh

33:13

he's a very boring wizard like kind of

33:15

a like oh you need those garments cleaned

33:18

press the digitization garments are clean I

33:20

think that's all he wants to do the act

33:22

would like level of city but he's like oh

33:24

no you need clean pants so it was not

33:26

at all into what dear sweet interior mom was

33:28

doing so I just once

33:31

he made it packed with me he

33:33

spent all night bitching about his relationship

33:36

with and I said well look man

33:39

if you want more power to like make your

33:41

own way in the world I'm your

33:43

guy and he said I'll fucking believe you man and

33:45

I said okay well I tell you what you swear

33:47

on my book and we'll see and

33:49

he said all right it's where in your book we'll

33:51

see that I disappeared back into my book because I'm

33:53

only allowed it once every thousand years this is a

33:56

real good good night for me and here

33:58

we are so I gave him his hex And

34:00

honestly, look, he's trying to solve the mystery

34:02

of the fucking audience man. Okay, so over

34:04

there. What if we try to find a

34:06

way to make it this happy for everybody?

34:10

I go back and I say that I

34:12

saw a smoky entity that seemed really scary, because that

34:14

seems to be like your general vibe. Oh, yes, I

34:16

tried. And then I'm like, and

34:18

when I traded

34:20

riddles with it or whatever, and I found

34:22

out that you packed it yourself to do

34:25

cool stuff, to go on the road, so

34:28

that you could get away from the boring life of

34:30

being your father's son. And that feels like

34:32

it's going to send him on a quest to do

34:34

more powerful stuff or go back to his dad or whatever. It'll just

34:36

kind of get rid of the question that might actually be slowing him

34:38

down. This

34:42

is a good plan. But listen,

34:44

I think he's going to

34:46

get fucking killed. Oh, yeah, that's gonna

34:48

get killed. You drew down on you when you magic

34:50

your way in here, which is a lot. Are you

34:52

part God or something? Well, I mean, I told him

34:55

I was a king and then he still went immediately

34:57

to combat, which is not the smartest. I mean, I

34:59

think that's kind of dope, but it will get him

35:01

killed. Oh, it almost did today. Okay, well, then I

35:03

got away with another 998 years. Yeah,

35:06

he's making poor choices. Also,

35:09

yeah, kind of my

35:11

exact relationship to God who's questioned. I think we'll go

35:14

with Demi-God for now. We'll just see how it plays

35:16

out. But he snaps his fingers in a

35:18

red carpet, rolls up to the, I don't need that.

35:20

We're friends. It stays for 10 minutes. I'm

35:23

sorry. Oh, what? I

35:25

can't dispel it. So I'm just going to take a minute to appreciate it. It's

35:28

a nice carpet. Well, thank you. Could

35:30

you make it in any color or is it always red? I'd

35:32

have to take maybe about an hour

35:34

rest and then I could do it again. Oh, I don't need

35:36

to do it again. But okay, so you can kind of pick

35:38

the color. That's neat. Yeah. Again, I've had

35:40

a lot of time in the void. I

35:44

wish we could hang out more. All right, anyway. Yes,

35:46

so here's, I guess my ask is, you

35:50

seem like you get it and you're super

35:52

powerful. Oh, thank you. You

35:54

seem to be cutting your way through the world. Yeah,

35:56

I kind of do it. Can you bring him along

35:58

in your wake? I

36:00

have a kingdom, so like... You have a kingdom, can you

36:02

just hang out there? I mean, you know what he's looking

36:04

for, so like is there a kind of job he'd say

36:06

yes to that he wouldn't murder too

36:08

many of my civilians with? And by too many, I

36:10

mean one is too many, so like I'm gonna need

36:12

him to do a book. That's

36:15

fair, well look, he's actually smarter than he

36:17

lets on, and I think if not

36:20

to parrot him, because I know that doesn't work with this

36:22

guy, but like if you were able to put him

36:24

to work in, if you have... Do

36:29

you have say a ministry of

36:31

spycraft or some nonsense? Oh, I'm a king, I got

36:34

all that stuff, yeah sure. Great, okay, well yeah, maybe

36:36

just send him somewhere you don't like, you know, send

36:38

him... He can go find his own way

36:40

somewhere, where if he does, you know, go

36:42

crazy with a hex blade, it's usually fighting bad guys,

36:44

but you know, I think he just...

36:46

He wants to feel like he's walking his own

36:48

path, so just don't be overly prescriptive about it.

36:51

You can just send him... Find a good place

36:53

for him, send him to work. I'll buy him a ticket

36:56

somewhere nice, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll get

36:58

him a gig, I'll talk to him about it.

37:00

I got a minister who does things, he can

37:02

go work for him for a bit, that's not so cool. Wonderful,

37:05

wonderful, okay, well great, I'll tell him I met a

37:07

smoky being. Yes. I'll tell him

37:09

that he asked for the power, it was related to his dad,

37:11

that's up to him, and then I'll

37:13

tell him that I got a job offer for him, because

37:15

he seems powerful and super cool or whatever, that's how I

37:17

feel like it like that. I'd also recommend you tell him

37:20

you'll give him the credit for solving this one zombie thing.

37:23

When you saw this, and Tyrion Marr was the one

37:25

who solved it at the amphitheater, I think that would go over

37:27

real well. If I can, I'll

37:29

do that, but it may

37:31

require me to take credit for my nation to

37:33

not die, so I'll split the difference. I'll

37:36

give him some credit. Do whatever you need to behind closed

37:38

doors, just like say it, I'll say it if you hear

37:40

it. Oh yeah, I'll say it to him. I'll say it

37:42

to him for sure. I know, yeah, yeah, yeah, you get

37:44

it. What is your name? Do

37:47

you have one? Can I ask? I don't want... Just

37:50

like it's infernal snarling. But

37:52

checking your language for efficiencies? No, I don't have

37:54

that one. You

37:56

know what? I can cast tongues if I need to. No,

37:58

thank you for sharing. You

38:01

seem like a good guy. I'll tell him to hang on

38:04

to the book, I guess. I don't imagine he magically can't

38:06

get rid of it, right? Oh, yeah, no, no, it's very

38:08

much about him. Nice. He hasn't been able to take off

38:10

that belt. Until you. Ah.

38:14

Interesting. Interesting indeed. Well, if anyone's going to read my

38:16

book of secrets, I'm glad it's you. There's not a

38:18

lot in there, to be honest. There's some good recipes

38:20

in the back. Oh, nice. Okay, well,

38:22

you have a good one. Thank you. I'll take this carpet

38:24

out of here. Please, by all means. Sounds

38:27

up. Ah, it feels nice. I

38:29

can feel through the boots. And he comes up to you

38:31

and says, oh, oh, oh. He's going to give you one

38:33

moment at the mouth. He's

38:36

read so much time drooling and eating invisible

38:38

popcorn with a physical body. I'm

38:40

going to give you one point of inspiration for making

38:42

a friend in the voice. So

38:46

you come back out and tear your mare

38:48

as like, at this point, he's got the

38:50

sword kind of drawn at his head. He's

38:53

like, hey, hey. King guy. King

38:55

guy. You

38:57

don't have to yell. There's zombies right over there. Watch him play.

39:01

Oh, right. Yeah, here's your book.

39:03

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Did you

39:05

meet him? What's his name? I did.

39:07

His name is complicated and terrifying.

39:09

He's a smoke being perhaps

39:11

a demon. I don't know. Something awesome. Oh,

39:13

spooky. Yeah, okay. Wait, like

39:15

good smoker? Like, oh no, there's a little

39:17

fire. You got to put like, no, no,

39:20

no. Oh, yeah. Cool, cool, cool. Yeah, and

39:22

he, I found out from him that you

39:25

signed on to get all these powers

39:27

because you wanted to get away from

39:29

your father, show up your father, whatever.

39:32

So that's why. Call him an Asamir problem. You know, we

39:34

got the whole divine lineage thing. So that's

39:36

why you got it. Okay. So it was

39:38

your choice. That wasn't part of the trickery. That was

39:40

just what you wanted. The furnace. And then you got

39:42

this deal made. Yeah. So the

39:45

other thing is, now that I know that you're

39:47

like a badass and you got super cool powers,

39:51

I kind of looks around as though someone would

39:53

be in here to hear, everybody knows the building's empty. And he's like,

39:56

I kind of run a foreign country and

39:58

we're going to get there. We

40:00

need good spies and agents to

40:02

travel around the world and

40:05

uh, do you want to put me in charge of it? I

40:09

don't want to waste your talent in an office.

40:12

I've got office people. What

40:15

I don't have is hex plate asymars

40:17

out there in the world. So

40:19

the big shit in the dirt.

40:24

That could be you. You know what I mean? I

40:27

guess is this a perception or do you mean it?

40:29

Oh, he doesn't give him the job. He doesn't. He

40:31

has persuasion that I get. He doesn't want him in

40:34

an office. This guy needs to be in a foreign

40:36

country. I'm well away from him.

40:38

Yeah, I got him with an advantage. Somebody's

40:41

going to colt. He

40:49

just nods, nods himself

40:51

and says, I won't

40:54

take your job, but I will work for you.

40:57

What? Awesome.

41:02

It says butthole. Having calculated

41:05

that as a response he needed to say

41:07

in this moment. So he's like, let's

41:09

go sit in chairs. And

41:12

the two of you may make your way into the

41:14

theater. Um, shuffle

41:16

long, sit down the, oh,

41:20

there's an understudy in this. But can you roll

41:22

me a stealth check?

41:27

Here we go. Nat

41:29

20 for Tyrion Maor. He is silent as the

41:31

wind. I

41:33

have to roll with disadvantage because

41:35

I am in heavy armor. Um,

41:40

that is an eight. Uh,

41:43

so you, you, you clang your way in

41:46

just with your armor, try to be quiet, but in

41:48

the way that like someone wearing loud stuff, being quiet

41:50

kind of always is. Uh,

41:53

and the actors all kind of like their eyes dart

41:55

up to you kind of wide, still delivering their lines.

41:58

Carcass still hasn't shown up. You

42:00

are correct. Act 1, very, like, a

42:02

lot of- This play is slow. A lot of

42:04

exposition. They're doing an interpretive dance

42:06

about the birth of Mistral right now. It's like

42:08

a lot. I might always add the dance. It

42:10

was in one production. It's not even in the

42:12

original script. And the-

42:15

Is that me stealth coming through now? The

42:19

human zombie head

42:21

just turns and

42:23

you hear tendons ripping and snapping.

42:25

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. It's

42:28

cracking as it turns to look at you. Sorry,

42:30

sorry, sorry. Sit down. And it raises a

42:32

finger and like misses

42:35

its nose and like hits itself in the

42:37

eye and goes, shush,

42:40

because it can't breathe. So it has to

42:42

just say- But

42:45

I was just silently nodding, very embarrassed. And

42:48

the zombie considers you for a second and then

42:50

get like eyes narrow slightly and gives you a

42:52

nod like you've been told. And

42:56

then it has to shuffle sideways so that it can look

42:58

at the stage again because it cracked its neck. But

43:01

I was very glad that neck wasn't more broken. And

43:05

he casts detect magic. Eyes

43:08

and ears are lit up and

43:11

you see the pole back

43:13

up across the bay towards

43:17

the old chansel. But you

43:19

are south of that. So you actually have a

43:21

new vector for the map. Great.

43:24

So it'll be straight north. Straight north for

43:26

you. And sorry, south of old chansel. Yeah.

43:29

Great. Butthole has what he needs. He is going

43:31

to wait until the

43:34

break at the end of Act One where

43:36

there's always a scene change so that he

43:38

has no action on the stage and some

43:40

sound to cover him to get the fuck

43:42

out of here. Great. And

43:45

Tyrion Mara looks over and says, I'm

43:49

going to stay here and keep an eye on things, but

43:52

I'll find you somewhere there. You

43:54

better make sure it's a cool place

43:56

I'm going because these talents aren't

43:59

for wasting. understand? Then

44:01

Butthole, knowing literally

44:04

quilt is the only place on earth that

44:06

he doesn't have any

44:09

need for a relationship with. It's

44:11

far away. The unseen hand

44:13

was there. It's not a political

44:15

power. He leans over to Terri's

44:18

shoulder and he rests a hand on it. He leans into his

44:20

ear and he just whispers, I hope

44:22

you like undead dinosaurs. And

44:26

his eyes flash with

44:28

kind of blue light. And

44:31

he like under the mask smiles and

44:33

just nods and says, fuck

44:37

yeah, I do. Fuck,

44:41

fuck yeah. And then Butthole tries

44:43

to creep out during the scene change. So

44:46

yeah, they come out there. They're quickly doing

44:48

the scene change. The zombie

44:50

like looks at the program kind of frustratedly. He's

44:52

not where to watch, but it's the equivalent of

44:55

like scene change is really taking a long time.

44:58

And he actually turns and looks back

45:00

at you as you're shuffling away. But

45:03

Terri Amar actually leans in and just gives

45:05

him like a, yeah, this fucking thing gesture

45:07

and the zombie nods and goes back

45:10

to looking at the stage. But he goes,

45:12

yeah, it's the perfect time to go to the bathroom. And

45:14

he just goes, the zombie raises a thumb. Whoever's

45:18

puppeting the zombie is awesome, Butthole says to himself on

45:20

the way out. And

45:22

as you leave, they begin act two

45:24

with a soliloquy that lasts three straight

45:26

minutes and you

45:28

make your way away from the theater. So Queenie,

45:32

you mentioned that you're going back to the silver lion. That's

45:35

where we said we'd meet back. Yeah.

45:38

Okay. So you all make your

45:40

way back to the silver lion and reconvene kind

45:43

of outside. Again, Mel's back to doing crowd work

45:45

and just making sure no one gets too close.

45:48

All right. So we've got some directions,

45:50

but I'll take out his map and his hammer

45:52

and be like, where did my pen

45:54

go? Oh, here. Oh, thank you.

45:57

Okay. And he just takes it at this point.

45:59

It's not even worth commenting on items. that are just stolen without

46:01

permission because they're not valuable at all. He's the

46:03

requisitioned by the Minister of Culture for cultural events.

46:05

Well, it's also we've gotten far enough now that

46:07

Butthole knows that Quinney wouldn't steal anything from the

46:09

party that would matter. All

46:11

the little shit doesn't matter and everybody's kind of found

46:14

that level of agreement. So he will draw the line

46:16

that, obviously it's the line already that existed and the

46:18

line that he had from the theater. And be like,

46:20

okay, so we go from the bay.

46:22

Yeah, I got this line here from this

46:25

point right here. It looks like it kind

46:27

of goes in this direction and I stroke

46:29

across Butthole's map to just put

46:31

all the marks on one piece of paper.

46:33

I add my stroke. Great. And

46:35

Juniper will do the same. It's like, yeah, here's the

46:38

temple and right to Old Chauncell. Okay,

46:40

we draw a line there. I'm

46:43

imagining all these points intersected. They do.

46:47

So looking at kind of the

46:49

vector point, it's clearly an Old Chauncell. And

46:51

you don't

46:54

have anyone local to talk to about this, but

46:56

yes, it's a very clear point. I

46:59

mean, you say we don't, but there is

47:01

good old Jimbo Jimmothy, the poop

47:03

cut guy. Back to the

47:05

gate. Hi,

47:09

welcome back. Are you leaving so soon? I kind of

47:11

hoped you'd be solving our undead thing.

47:13

We are solving the undead thing. So

47:16

we've got this map and right here, you see where all these

47:18

lines touch, this spot right here? Yes.

47:20

I need you to take us there and tell

47:22

me what that is. Okay,

47:26

yeah, yeah, I can do that. I

47:28

need to get a bit closer because the map is just little

47:30

shapes, but once I get you there, I can probably tell you

47:32

what's up. Perfect. Great, let's go.

47:34

Okay. Take that

47:36

as a spirit. Move aside. Run

47:39

away. Run away. Run away. And

47:41

he proceeds to crowd break back

47:43

across the bridge, deep into

47:45

the city, towards an ancient

47:47

abandoned mansion in the heart

47:49

of Old Chauncell. This episode

47:51

of Dum Dum's and Dragons features the voices

47:54

of Ryan LaPlante at the Ryan LaPlante on

47:56

Twitter. Tyler Hewitt, at Tyler underscore Hewitt on

47:58

Twitter. Laura Hamstra at Yale. and

48:00

our CEO Tom McGee, and the DJ

48:02

D of Twitter. This episode's sound was

48:05

edited and mixed by Laura Habsra. And Dumb

48:07

Dumbs and Dragons artwork is by Del Borovic, who

48:09

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48:12

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48:14

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48:16

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48:18

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48:27

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48:39

That's D-U-M-B-D-U-M-B-D-I-C-E. And tune

48:41

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48:44

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fiction producers flourish. In

50:25

the alley, the scent is stronger, overpowering.

50:29

As I watch, the overhead lamps flicker and

50:31

wink out one by one. Goddamn

50:35

it. No. The

50:37

girl appears briefly under the last streetlight, the

50:39

headphones snug against her ears, the Walkman classed

50:42

to her hip. She's oblivious

50:44

as she walks, lost in her own world.

50:47

Hey, stop! I need to talk to you! Then

50:50

she's swallowed up by the darkness again.

50:52

Helen, wait a second! It

50:57

strikes her in the gloom so fast she barely has time

50:59

to scream. She

51:02

falls into the edge of the lamplight and

51:04

lies there, bleeding, motionless. The

51:11

man's skin is scaly, flaking, and there are

51:13

patches of soot on his cheeks. He

51:16

stares at me with eyes like midnight. Eyes

51:19

that are devoid of remorse, devoid of

51:21

humanity. He's one

51:23

of them. I

51:28

turn and run, and I don't look

51:30

back. The

51:33

Road of Shadows, a new mystery

51:36

and suspense audio drama by Mark

51:38

R. Healy, creator of the Strada.

51:41

Listen now at theroadofshadows.com