0:01

Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast,

0:03

is hitting the road this summer from

0:06

May 31st through June 14th. We're

0:09

doing part two of our US live tour.

0:11

I came up with a name for

0:13

this one. It's called the Areas

0:15

Tour. Very good. Dungeons and

0:17

Daddies, the Areas Tour. Feat Taylor

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Swift. We're hitting the road again.

0:21

Midwest and East Coast states on

0:23

sale. Tickets are available now. We're

0:25

starting up in St. Paul, Minnesota.

0:27

We're going to Milwaukee, Chicago, Indianapolis,

0:29

Detroit, Pelham, Tennessee, Atlanta. New York,

0:31

Philadelphia, and Boston. More

0:33

info on our website, dungeonsanddaddies.com/ live.

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Instacart Shopper Thoughts, Avocado

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this avocado perfectly ripe just in time

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and Daggs is brought to you this week by

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Sorry I was laughing at Matt putting his hotel

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were you doing that Matt? The vibe in

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this room where these ads are being recorded

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is fucking- like you ever see ice cream

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our rider when we're on tour. I think beats

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us for Beth and the back. That's our cat

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girl. Well, I don't bury my poop. So you

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really need that odor control. We should get pretty

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litter for the bus we can't shit on. Whoa.

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That would be nice. Could you imagine if the

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back room just turned into a pretty litter sandbox?

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Oh. Honestly, at this point, I deal with it.

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Yeah, one of the bunks. How haunting would it

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be to look at a litter box with pretty

4:21

litter and see a human-sized feces in there? Actually,

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one of the bus bunks was just all litter.

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You just close the curtain. Oh

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my god. You just went in there? Just

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lie down and shit. Oops, all

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litter. You just hear Matt

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going there. The tss. Oh

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god. And afterwards, we see the colors of the crystals

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I just want to make sure that the people know your

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cat can poop in it too. Oh, wow. I don't know.

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I'm on it. I take it.

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recently, and I'm going to have

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sounds like you eating the look kitty litter.

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with it. prettylitter.com/daddy's terms and conditions apply. See

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side for details. Dungeons

6:00

and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent

6:03

podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be

6:05

found in the description. ["Dungeons

6:08

and Daddies

6:12

Theme

6:14

Song"]

6:18

["Dungeons and Daddies Theme Song"]

6:22

Even here, in the dead of

6:24

night, the Nebraska wilderness

6:26

is alive with sound. Trickets.

6:32

Creeks. Critters.

6:40

And some say the leathery

6:42

flapping wings of a monster.

6:46

["Dungeons and Daddies

6:49

Theme Song"] Just

6:52

behind me, over that hill, lie

6:55

the ruins of the Foggy

6:57

Creek coal mine. Old timers

6:59

from around here know to stay well

7:01

away, as it was the site of

7:03

a terrible tragedy in 1845, when

7:07

it became the birthplace of the

7:09

legend of Bug Boy. Bug

7:12

Boy, also known in some

7:14

regions as Mossman, You

7:16

gotta help me! I saw some monsters, but they weren't

7:18

monsters, they were an adult bowling team, and all my

7:20

friends got arrested, and I think Sneaky Pete is out

7:23

here, and oh god, I'm having a panic attack, I

7:26

gotta go to Miss Grammer's house and maybe disguise

7:28

myself or something, I don't know, I don't know

7:31

what to do. Wait, what are you doing out

7:33

here? Are you with the Bullers too? Stay away

7:35

from me, for this is out! Wait, wait, come

7:37

back here! My god, did

7:39

you get that? Jesus, what

7:42

a freakazoid. I'm

7:45

just catching my breath, and who the hell is

7:47

Sneaky Pete? I am. Help! Help!

8:15

Well, I'm the Dungeons and Daddies, not

8:17

a BDSM podcast. This season, a peachy

8:19

podcast. We're doing the peachyville horror. He's

8:21

gone rogue. I call Cthulhu actual play

8:23

horror comedy podcast about four everyday schmoes

8:25

fighting the forces of darkness in suburban

8:27

1950s America. I'm

8:30

fast talking, use car salesman. Uh,

8:32

Tony Collette, Tony Collette, T Collette. I've been collecting.

8:35

But what's your name? You didn't say your name.

8:37

You were just like, I'm fast car talking news

8:39

car. Deepies into this character.

8:41

I just said I'm fast talking, use car

8:43

salesman tone. They collect. Who are you? But

8:45

who are you? Oh, that's right. I'm

8:48

pretty long. Oh, sorry. My

8:50

mind is scattered. I've

8:55

been doing fucking tour prep shit all

8:57

night. Late night record. Not a late

8:59

night. Right before a tour. I've

9:02

been up for a long time. I

9:06

play Tony Collette. I got my coven booster

9:08

last night. I'm still a little fluey. Are

9:11

you? Are you will? I

9:13

am a little. It's gonna be great. I've

9:15

been collecting little phrases from marketing materials for

9:17

movies from this era. And there's this like

9:20

movie that came out in the fifties. That's like a circus movie

9:22

was a great show on earth. I believe it was like a one, the

9:24

Oscar. Anyway, point is you may see some of these. You

9:29

may see some of these phrases showing up, but

9:31

this week's PG fact about Tony. Tony

9:34

thinks smoking is effeminate

9:36

and he's

9:40

only doing it to fit in with all

9:42

the cool boomers. That's what they're

9:44

calling them. Even had this new generation. The

9:47

boomer is like four years old. What do

9:49

you think they started smoking? That's

9:52

fair. They

9:55

were exposed to it at a young age, including

9:57

letting gasoline. So you know, well, there you go.

10:00

He's trying to be cool by smoking

10:02

cigarettes. Hey everybody, my name is Matthew

10:04

Arnold and I play Kelsey Grammer, Peachevilles'

10:06

happiest and snappiest school arm. And if

10:09

school weren't cool, how come everybody goes

10:11

to it? Damn. Wow. Holy

10:14

shit, Aristotle. Really nice to think. A

10:19

little fact about Kelsey, one

10:22

of the big innovations, one of the promises that Kelsey has for her

10:24

encyclopedia that she wants everybody

10:26

to know as she's doing it, is that

10:29

all letters are created equal. All letters

10:31

are beautiful, and every letter will get

10:33

their own edition. X, Y,

10:35

and Z will not share one book, neither

10:37

will J or K. Like this

10:39

is like a piece of cheese. Every

10:41

letter, they're saying they're all beautiful. She's

10:44

not cutting any corners. Is every letter

10:46

going to get the same amount of pages? That's not, look. When

10:52

I say all letters are created equal, I'm

10:54

saying... Some are more equal

10:56

than others. They all get their own books. They all get

10:58

their own separate but equal and separate. Oh, no. I'm

11:02

Anthony Burch. I play Francis Varsworth,

11:04

the most bullied kid in Peachyville. Francis'

11:07

peachy fact is that his favorite

11:09

supernatural horror urban legend is Bloody

11:12

Mary, because when he heard

11:14

that if you look in a mirror and say Bloody

11:16

Mary a few times, she appears, he went home and

11:18

picked some flowers from his garden, and got the

11:20

chocolate, and flicked his

11:22

hair back. I said Bloody Mary into

11:25

his mirror. This is the saddest thing

11:27

I've ever heard. He got stood up, but he

11:29

has a feeling that he's just got to make himself worthy of

11:31

Bloody Mary in the back of his mind. Oh, my gosh. He

11:33

got stood up by his Bloody Mary. That's beautiful. That's a doo-wop

11:35

song if I've ever heard one. Is there

11:37

some kid that's lied about saying Bloody Mary? He's like

11:39

jealous. He's like, oh, yeah. Shane the next day was

11:41

like, yo, I fucked Bloody Mary. I fucked? She'd

11:44

be a handyman. I

11:47

guess she thought you were too ugly. Bloody Mary

11:49

touched me immediately. I fucked her three times,

11:51

yeah. My name... Hi, is Beth.

11:53

This guy probably wants to fuck a candy

11:55

man. And I

11:58

play Trudy Trout. Trudy

12:00

is a doting wife, homemaker,

12:02

and mother of 2.5 beautiful

12:05

children. Peachy fact

12:07

about Trudy this week, Trudy

12:10

has nerves of steel and will

12:12

ride any roller coaster regardless of

12:14

safety regulations. She once pet a

12:16

tiger at a zoo back when

12:19

that was legal. Wow.

12:21

Was it legal? Of course. I

12:23

mean, we all saw a documentary about this. There's zoos where you

12:25

can do that now, Freddy. Yeah, you're right. But these

12:27

were mainstream zoos, you know? Respectable

12:31

zoos. Respectable, legitimate zoos. Hi,

12:33

everyone. I'm your daddy

12:35

master, William Campos. You're daddy yellow master.

12:37

God, you're just looking good again today,

12:39

Will. You really bring, look,

12:42

I just want to say, you're

12:44

great. Matt, I needed that little shot in the NBA.

12:47

My peachy fact for all of you is

12:49

some good news. You can lose

12:51

up to 40% of your blood and not die. Oh,

12:54

wow. Yeah. Don't take

12:56

me to the bank on that, but that was what the internet

12:58

said when I looked it up. So how much blood is there?

13:00

You have 1.5 gallons. Like

13:03

lose it? You lose how much of it? 40

13:07

and beyond, you're probably going to die. But up until

13:09

then, you're good to go. Wow. So

13:11

you know. Just some more juice and a few fresh juice. I just

13:13

had a drink your breath to a whole blood. That's all I'm saying. In

13:15

my life that I thought I'd do. Yo, that's a lot. That's 9

13:18

and 1,500 cups. Yeah, I can't even

13:20

drink that much. You're supposed to drink that

13:22

much every day in water. I've been drinking only

13:24

eight cups of blood a day. You

13:27

can't drink your blood back into you,

13:29

right? No. OK. I mean, you

13:31

can. That just won't become your blood again. I feel

13:34

like that's one of those things that's good to look.

13:36

I know it's a stupid question, but I feel like

13:38

that's one of those good things to check. Because can

13:40

you imagine if you could? And then I didn't do

13:42

it when I could have, because I didn't ask a

13:45

question. That's why there's no stupid questions. You ask these

13:47

things. We should just put it unironically into a movie

13:49

where it goes like, I need blood. But

13:51

we can't find the bin. So give it to me. He drinks it,

13:53

and he's fine. Get that cup. It's still good on the floor. Fine.

13:56

Give me my blood. Straight up. I did

13:58

it fine. I'm good. I can't

14:00

find a vein. That's okay. That's okay. Like even then

14:02

the Fury wrote us down doing the weird thing where he's

14:04

like, he's just like picking a cup up and

14:06

pouring it in. They make it like dramatic where they're like, actually

14:08

the reason that they don't normally do this is because it tastes

14:10

yucky. And

14:13

they normally get it in your arm. And the guy who gets the

14:15

transplant has a super taste and he's like, no, I don't want it.

14:19

That's drama. Super taster hates all blood. You know

14:21

what I'm saying? What the fuck are we talking

14:23

about? Negative, you know? Do you guys want to

14:25

do a podcast? Let's do it. All right. Before

14:28

we exsanguinate. So

14:38

when we last left off, three of you

14:40

had been arrested. One of you absconded into

14:42

the woods. That's right. Oh, God. I have

14:44

a whole split party thing we're dealing with

14:46

now. Francis is like his own jungle book

14:48

story. Francis is hiding under... I'm wondering your

14:50

film noir because you have a bunch of

14:52

stolen money in your closet. Yes. Francis is

14:54

hiding under Kelsey's bed. A gangster is just

14:56

banged on the door demanding your money. And

14:58

he also just found a pile of loose

15:00

cash. And what Matt Arnold described as a

15:02

mystery closet. Hmm. It's weird. This is weird,

15:04

right? So that's what's going on with Francis.

15:06

The rest of you got arrested for your

15:08

crimes. And we just

15:10

revealed that Big Shane Silva plans

15:12

on interrogating you one by one

15:15

in a very special interrogation room set up by

15:17

your own daddy, O Master, me, Will Campos. And

15:19

that's going to be something that we do. And

15:21

also, by the way, you'll know this is taking

15:23

up a room that I use, well, for two

15:26

weeks. For two weeks. That's right. I won't, right?

15:28

I don't care. I'll

15:30

take over Freddie's whole apartment. So we are going to do...

15:33

Did you know that you can lose 40% of your apartment before you

15:35

went to the studio? So

15:41

we are going to do our very first

15:43

retcon at the start of this episode, which

15:45

is, cinematically, we did want to reveal the

15:47

interrogation room by having Kelsey experience it firsthand.

15:49

Okay. But we are now going to say

15:51

that the first person to walk in there

15:54

was Kamon Wong. You rob Kelsey in that

15:56

moment. Okay. That's fine. I just need a

15:58

moment to readjust Kelsey. Fucking stupid

16:00

a little bit. Okay, come back and tell us

16:02

about what I mean. I haven't got it Kelsey

16:05

is not gone on you. I'm not Arnold one.

16:07

Yeah, Matt Arnold went in to experience Yeah,

16:09

that we have Matt Arnold did going first. So I

16:11

still win. Yeah, I'm not wearing first and now Separation

16:16

of the character and actor the

16:18

character stays the actor goes. Yeah So

16:20

come on one has been in there for like

16:22

an hour. She's talking and

16:25

all of you My mom's a snitch. Yeah,

16:27

you're not there Francis. Excuse me. I can

16:29

feel good Yeah, I can feel good. I

16:31

always hear Francis' mom was a no good

16:33

snitch So she's in there talking the three

16:36

of you actually the four of you cuz BB Britannic blue

16:38

is in here as well Are just

16:40

stewing in this cell together. What do you

16:42

guys do? How are we getting out of

16:44

here? You know to pick locks child. She's

16:46

a smart chuzz detectives Child

16:49

mr. Collette my family has one rule

16:51

and that's don't squawk and don't talk

16:53

to cops It's really

16:55

one rule when you think about it, so my plan

16:57

is to go in there and not say anything Maybe

16:59

what do your parents do my parents? Yeah, I don't

17:01

really you know, they do stuff. They do stuff You're

17:04

detective. You should know more than that. Well, you know,

17:06

I don't really detect my parents that He

17:09

does like business stuff at an insurance company me

17:11

BB has your parents ever known

17:14

anyone acquainted with the American Communist Party my

17:16

parents Yes, how do them how dare you?

17:18

I'm just how Okay,

17:20

let's not dare you to let's hey,

17:22

hey, we're guttural scream work right

17:25

team for a reason. Let's stay together Okay, Tony

17:27

as long as we all keep our heads here. I think maybe we'll get

17:29

out of this Okay, Tony. Can you apologize BB

17:31

is a good girl, which means there's absolutely no

17:33

way her parents could be that's the

17:36

only Is my

17:38

blood which I'm gonna about to make you lose

17:40

40% of mr. Keep talking like that Oh

17:42

very well, I was just testing you you see how

17:44

you respond tells you whether or not you had no

17:46

cover I Hear

17:52

And Trudy is doing pull-ups on one of

17:55

the bars Linda

17:57

Hamilton. Yes, I heard that

18:00

in jail, people

18:02

exercise. It is so

18:04

good for your health. Okay, I'm gonna

18:06

try doing what she's doing. Okay, give me a strength

18:08

roll. Mm, mm, mm, mm. Oh,

18:13

I got a four. Holy shit. Oh,

18:17

that box and training. Yeah, Kelsey is just getting

18:19

at it. You describe it, paint me the picture.

18:21

What exercise were you doing? I was doing cool.

18:23

She's doing her kegels, dog. I was doing her kegels. Just

18:26

in there squeezing, dog. She's

18:28

in there crushing, bro. What are you doing?

18:31

It's pull-ups when it's this way and chin-ups when it's

18:33

this way. Pull-ups is when your hands are heading out,

18:35

yep. Chin-ups is when your biceps towards your chin so you can

18:37

kiss them. Okay, so she was doing pull-ups.

18:40

Okay, no, those are chin-ups. So Kelsey starts doing

18:42

pull-ups too. Chin-ups. Pull-ups. Kill

18:44

me. Oh my God. Which one am

18:46

I doing, Freddy? Pull-ups. Okay, I'm doing pull-ups

18:48

too. And then as I'm talking. Pull-ups too. The sequel

18:50

to pull-ups. The sequel to pull-ups. The sequel to pull-ups.

18:52

The sequel to pull-ups. She's

18:55

doing pull-ups and then as she's doing them, she

18:57

lets go of one hand and is pointing at

18:59

her teammates but still doing the pull-ups. One hand.

19:02

She's like, look, we're gonna scream, okay? You know what, I don't

19:04

know what Bibi's parents are but she's right, like, we're not gonna

19:06

tell each other but we can tell the truth because we didn't

19:09

do anything wrong. We were attacked. Let's

19:11

just stay together. We got this. And we had great

19:13

form, Trudy. Oh wow, those are some fancy pull-ups there.

19:15

Well, thank you. A voice says as another older lady,

19:17

that's for you, Matt. You know, another older lady. You

19:19

guys probably know each other. Just because we're both older

19:21

doesn't mean we're friends. We don't all know each other.

19:24

An older lady with a pair of spectacles comes in

19:26

and she says, hi there, I'm Mrs. Pickett. I

19:28

know you, Mrs. Pickett. Oh, it's good to see

19:30

you, Kelsey. I wish I could say the same.

19:32

Who would've thought you'd be a pinko commie bastard?

19:35

That's really surprising to me. Whoa, whoa. But

19:37

I'm just, you know me, I'm the nice receptionist

19:39

here and I was just wanting to see if y'all wanted

19:42

anything to drink while you were waiting. Could be a while, don't

19:44

you know? Oh yes, I would love some sweet

19:46

tea. Oh, sweet tea, we've got a

19:48

little bit of that. We've also got maybe

19:50

some jello pudding or jello salad. Bring a

19:52

spread. Bring a spread, okay. We

19:54

have some stuff left over from the police

19:56

potluck, don't you know? Okay, well yeah, we'll

19:58

take everything It's like unsweetened tea.

20:00

Okay, well, we'll see. Kelsey? Yeah?

20:04

It's good to see you, dear. No, that makes sense. It would be good

20:06

to see me if I was you. Okay. Yeah.

20:09

So Mrs. Pickett walks away. What's your deal with

20:11

that lady? She's such a, I can't even say

20:13

the word because we have a child here. Bebe,

20:15

close your ears. Bebe plugs her ears. Yeah, say

20:17

the word. She's the worst. That's the

20:20

worst thing I can say about Stephanie.

20:22

Literally, all of everybody I know, she's the

20:24

worst. Oh my God. She's the worst. She's

20:26

that bingo, I'll just say that. She's

20:28

a 100%. She

20:31

cheated bingo. They call the numbers. She fucking

20:33

went. Hold on, wait, slow down. She's got

20:35

a grip for cheating a bingo because they

20:38

call the number and then you mark it.

20:40

And then the first thing they do, if

20:42

you're telling the bingo. Are you taking her side, Tony? I

20:44

thought we're a team. You go up, we're a team. Check

20:46

all the numbers, which they know they've called. I don't want

20:49

to talk about it. Because then they look at you. I

20:51

know, and then everyone, and she wins all the time. But

20:53

sure, take her side. I thought we were a team, but

20:55

whatever. So Justin, the door

20:57

opens and Kamon-Wan and Ed and her

20:59

lawyer walk out. And she's not making

21:01

eye contact with any of you guys.

21:03

She's just briskly walking out the door.

21:05

Hi, Kamon. Hi. Hi,

21:08

yeah. She

21:10

sang like a canary. And she walks out the door.

21:12

And Big Shane steps out and he says, all right,

21:14

you're next. And he points to you,

21:16

Matt Arnold. I'm not you, Matt

21:19

Arnold. He points to you, Kelsey Grammer. All right,

21:21

Kelsey, let's go. Can I have my lawyer? Yeah,

21:23

oh, that's right, Milton's here. Oh, no, how dare.

21:26

Milton is not my lawyer. Milton's been

21:28

trying to hold your hand the entire time. Absolutely not, Milton.

21:30

You guys are doing pull ups. He's just been like holding

21:32

your hand. He's like, it's OK, it's going to be fine.

21:34

I let go of my other hand, but I'm still doing

21:36

pull ups. That's it. I'm bashing away. No, Milton, I really,

21:38

you know what? If you could help me as a lawyer,

21:41

why don't you go find me a real lawyer? OK, I'll

21:43

go do that. But OK,

21:45

how do I do that? You are

21:47

a smart child. And you have a lot of gumption.

21:49

I'm sure you can figure that out. Thank you.

21:51

OK. But you have a lot of gumption too. Do you

21:54

know what that word means? Mrs. Grammer, Mrs. Grammer. The way

21:56

you said it doesn't sound like the way I said that

21:58

word. I don't like the way you said it. looking

22:00

at me. Just go. What word gumption? Yeah.

22:02

Stop. What's that extra syllable? Stop. Kelsey

22:07

just, I don't want to miss miss miss miss miss miss.

22:09

Yes. I don't. What's wrong with

22:11

the way I say gumption? Absolutely nothing. You're a

22:13

good little boy. Go find me a lawyer, please.

22:16

Okay. And he walks off. He's like, all right,

22:18

let's go. Fine. Okay. This sounds totally legal. Sure.

22:20

I'll go. Whatever you want, sir. Okay. So, oh

22:22

my God. They're walking away in real

22:24

life. Talk amongst yourselves. Do you think he lets

22:27

Kelsey have a Coke in there? Can I bring my Coke in

22:29

there? Oh, under

22:36

the light. You don't want me under

22:38

the light. You've already

22:40

shown weakness. Kelsey says, Oh, sir, do you want me

22:42

to sit underneath the scary light? Go ahead and sit

22:44

under the scary light. Okay. Well, it's just, you were

22:46

sitting underneath it. I thought you've done this before. I

22:48

have done this before. Hello. State

22:50

your name for the record, please. My name is

22:52

Kelsey Grammer. What's your middle name? Do you need

22:55

to know that? I do. It's part of the

22:57

form. Okay. Well, it's Kelsey. Okay.

23:03

Well, you know what? My parents didn't give me a

23:05

middle name. Did you have no middle name? No, they

23:07

said when I'm ready, I can choose a middle name

23:09

and know it in 49 years. I've never found a

23:11

name that quite fits me. So I'm Kelsey Grammer. Okay.

23:14

Mrs. Grant, Miss Grammer. Yes. Can

23:17

I get you anything? Kelsey tea, coffee, miss picket, make

23:19

some mean cup of chill. No, she's awful by the

23:21

way. She's the worst. Why don't you hire her? Well,

23:23

I disagree with that. I find her to be a

23:25

warm woman. Yeah, you would never mind that. You know,

23:27

my son, Shane, yeah, he

23:30

speaks very poorly of you. What? That's a

23:32

good thing. He's an idiot. Oh, well, okay.

23:34

Well, I'm disappointed in both of you frankly.

23:36

Well, I don't care. Okay. That's not going to keep

23:38

me up at night. You know, you've got quite

23:41

a reputation in this town, Kelsey Grammer. Thank you. You

23:43

know, everyone, everyone knows you, but

23:46

they don't know everything about you. Do they? I

23:48

mean, I don't think anybody would know everything about everybody.

23:52

You know, I'm a private lady. I don't have, you

23:54

know, I spend most of my time teaching. Okay.

23:57

What can you tell me about Tony Collette?

23:59

Oh. I mean, he's not great bowler, but neither am I

24:02

so who am I to judge and you

24:04

know? I don't think I've been friends with him normally,

24:06

but we're part of the same bowling team and at the end

24:08

of the day I think he's got a good heart. He's angry

24:10

a lot, but I think he's okay and his bowling team of

24:12

his How did you come to join him? I

24:14

mean, you know, this is your everybody's heard about my

24:17

encyclopedia So I was just working on my encyclopedia. I

24:19

got to be mmm bowling. I never actually played bowling

24:21

I'd seen it here or there But I thought I

24:23

should actually try it and when I

24:25

went there was only one spot remaining on team and

24:27

I joined And since then I've really enjoyed

24:30

it. So I've kept it even though I already finished the

24:32

excerpt about bowling But yeah, still worth playing. What are you

24:34

working on now? Well, I'll ship

24:36

ism. No. Oh, I've done

24:38

that I mean that you've done bullshit ism. Oh, yeah, I wrote

24:40

about it. You can What are your thoughts

24:42

on bullshit ism? You know, it wasn't

24:44

the most exciting word. I don't think I wrote too much

24:47

on it Hmm. Actually, I am a little embarrassed because it

24:49

was written so many different things about so many different words

24:51

And I don't know too much about it, but I think

24:53

I wrote I don't know you have to check it out

24:55

Okay, well, we'll look into that. I wrote was actually I'm

24:57

about to go on to see finally. I just finished Byzantine

25:01

Interesting. Okay. Well, I'm very happy for you. Now

25:04

you've been working on a lot of B

25:06

words Uh-huh. What can you tell me about

25:08

bookmaking? Well, it's

25:11

a process of making books not that kind of bookmaking.

25:13

Okay, the other kind of bookmaking Okay, I

25:15

don't know what's betting on sports. I didn't want what's

25:17

betting underground sports gambling What can you tell me about

25:19

that underground? I know what you're talking about, sir You

25:22

know what? You know, what can I take a picture

25:24

of you? Can you take a picture? Yeah, because you

25:26

know, I'm finishing up my encyclopedia and there's a word

25:28

bully and I would love a picture of you right

25:30

next to it That's why I think I have nothing

25:33

more to say He's got a big filing

25:35

cabinet next to him and he pulls

25:37

open a file and he routes through it

25:39

and he pulls out a ledger Just like

25:41

a big thick ledger see underground sports betting

25:43

has become something of a nuisance here in

25:45

peachyville as of late Well,

25:48

I got this off a punk kid running numbers

25:50

for the Anderson gang It's

25:52

a book of names and numbers and um

25:55

says here and he flips through the pages.

25:57

This is right here. Okay grammar grammar

26:00

that's your name well specifically everyone else

26:02

I'm Kelsey everyone else has a middle

26:05

name huh but this K grammar there's

26:07

no middle name oh and

26:10

so it looks like you owe some

26:12

pretty big bucks to some pretty rough

26:14

customers miss grammar okay I

26:17

will not say anything more without my lawyer

26:19

and that has nothing to do with anything

26:22

that's happening all right teach here's what I

26:24

think I think Tony Collette or whatever his

26:26

real name is got windier gambling bits what

26:28

I think he used them as compromise he

26:30

pressured you and joining his little Bolshevik bowling

26:32

team to one end I'm not sure maybe

26:34

he just wants you nobody knows that I've

26:36

nobody knows except for the people nobody knows

26:38

except your handler right nobody knows except the

26:40

person who brought you in on this ring

26:43

now maybe he wants to ring I was

26:45

just boxing your boxing bet on myself I was

26:47

bet on myself Tony

26:49

doesn't know don't tell Tony don't tell any of the

26:51

guttural scream they'll be really disappointed I don't want to

26:53

but I need you to cooperate with maybe Tony maybe

26:56

he just wants you to indoctrinate our youth maybe he

26:58

wants an inside woman on the PTA or maybe he

27:00

just likes him old frankly I don't care have you

27:02

ever talked to Tony the only thing he cares about

27:04

is selling cars has always ever talked to us about

27:07

frankly that's why the reason I'm not that close to

27:09

me just talked about cars all the time and how

27:11

much he doesn't like you know certain people I really

27:13

wish I could believe you know you're very a for

27:15

acting right I've got to commend you I didn't

27:18

I mean I if you can't tell I'm not in

27:20

the theater anymore I wasn't good at it and don't

27:22

learn more of a grammar we could go all night

27:25

with this but out that why

27:27

I don't what does that mean nothing I've

27:29

talked to your wife what excuse me nothing

27:31

all right you know we have an unhappy

27:33

marriage I sometimes we have an unhappy marriage

27:35

and another I have an unhappy son the

27:37

only thing I live for is busting commies

27:39

which is where you come in and so

27:41

he pulls out and slides across the table

27:43

this piece of paper it's a confession

27:46

it's got your name at the bottom of it it's all

27:48

typed up and it's basically this

27:50

huge pack of lies it sells Tony Collette

27:52

down the river it says that he pressured

27:54

you into joining a communist spy ring along

27:57

with Trudy and Britannica Francis and Kamon Juan's

27:59

names are noticeably absent from this document. It

28:01

says that Hal of Hal's trophy world and the late

28:03

Officer Jenkins caught wind of your scheme, which is why

28:05

they had to die, and it names Tony as the

28:07

person who murdered them. I mean, what, you just wrote

28:09

a big old fiction? This is what I think happened

28:12

tonight. Oh, okay, well, you know. This is what I

28:14

think's been going on. Oh, do you want me to

28:16

tell you if you're right? All I need you to

28:18

do is confirm this story and you're

28:20

free to go. This little confession stays sealed at

28:22

FBI headquarters, and you go back to your sweet

28:24

little life with his dark little secrets. Sir, none

28:26

of this is true. You know, I don't know

28:28

what you think. I've done boxing and look, I'm

28:30

not proud of it. Look,

28:32

I like boxing and it's

28:34

only been my money. That's why I haven't paid it

28:37

back. So like, if you're gonna arrest me for boxing,

28:40

that's okay. Just don't let the kids know because

28:42

I love teaching. But this is, this is, this

28:44

is true. It's

28:46

okay. None of this is true. It's okay, Kelsey.

28:49

All I need you to do is sign this

28:51

piece of paper and all this goes away. And

28:53

if you'd rather not sign, that's okay too. I'm

28:55

not gonna sign. Though I would shudder to think

28:57

what would happen if someone were

28:59

to let slip to the PTA that

29:02

the town's favorite teacher has been boxing

29:04

in underground gambling matches and owes money

29:06

deep to the mob. So if you

29:08

don't want that to happen, I would

29:10

consider your options. And he slams this

29:12

pen down on the piece of paper

29:14

right in front of you. I

29:17

don't want that to happen, but if that's what's

29:19

gonna happen, then I guess that's the

29:21

consequences of my action. And you know, that's fitting because

29:23

I'm about to start writing C. So I guess the,

29:26

I guess the extra for consequences will

29:29

be really good, but everything here is not true.

29:31

So I take the pen and I break it

29:33

in half and say, I hope you have another

29:35

one of those. I'm not signing. What is not

29:37

a true thing. And if you want to take

29:39

me down for gambling or whatever it is, that's

29:41

fine. You know, it is what it is. No,

29:45

I am the bad guy. I shouldn't have been doing that, but I'm not

29:47

even the bad guy. Why do you have to have people who are coming

29:49

after me for money and the PTA? You can tell the PTA whatever you

29:51

want. I haven't done anything with their money. In fact, I'm just trying to

29:53

get a projector system for them. So you know what? No,

29:55

I have nothing more to say until we get a lawyer.

29:57

Okay, think it over. What

30:00

is your favorite song? Tell us in

30:02

the comments. I'll see you in

30:04

the next episode of The Ways To Win. Bye

30:06

guys. Bye. Bye. Bye.

30:09

Bye. Bye. Bye.

30:12

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

30:15

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

30:18

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30:21

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30:24

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30:27

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emerges tears streaming down her face from

35:34

the interrogation room. Whoa. Oh, what the

35:36

hell? Thank you for your cooperation. Miss

35:38

grammar. No, I didn't cooperate guys. I

35:41

just want to miss trout. You're up

35:43

next. Let's go Okay Let's

35:48

go We're a

35:50

team and I've been a bad person. I'm

35:53

sorry My

35:55

my it's Brighton here. If you

35:58

wouldn't mind turning down the light is shit I'm

36:00

sorry, that's just the way that the light works,

36:02

Mrs. Trout. Oh, I

36:05

know all about how light works because of

36:07

the sun. Okay. Can

36:10

I get you anything? Tea, coffee? Mrs. Pickett makes

36:12

a mean cup of Joe? Uh,

36:14

Joe, yes, coffee, yes! And

36:17

then I'll stay up all night long.

36:20

Tucker hates when I do that. He

36:23

says I need to recharge

36:25

and be renewed. Big Shane presses

36:27

a button on the intercom and says, can we get a cup of

36:29

coffee and hear Miss Pickett? And you hear like, oh yeah,

36:31

you betcha I'll be right in with that here. Mrs.

36:34

Trout, how does a sweet little

36:36

homemaker like you get tangled up with a character like

36:38

Tony Collette? Oh, well, first

36:41

I saw a little sheet

36:43

of paper that said bowlers

36:45

wanted. And I thought, hmm,

36:47

maybe I could be a

36:49

bowler. So I called the

36:51

number on the piece of

36:54

paper and then we were,

36:56

we were, we were, we

36:58

were, we were, yes,

37:00

we were bonded together over a

37:02

ball, over a bowling ball. We're

37:04

a bowling team, you see. You

37:07

know, you remind me of my

37:09

wife. Lonely, depressed,

37:12

unsatisfied. I did, oh. She

37:14

drinks her problems away, but you're a bowler.

37:17

How does that happen? What draws a woman like

37:19

you to bowling? Hmm. Well,

37:23

the pins, I like watching

37:25

them fall over. It's

37:27

like my problems falling

37:31

into place and I

37:33

can see a straight path where

37:35

they're all be knocked over one by

37:37

one, maybe in one fell swoop. And

37:40

maybe if I make a mistake, I

37:42

get to try again. That's

37:44

beautiful. You have a beautiful mind. Miss

37:47

Trout, here's what I think happened. I

37:50

think one day a lonely little housewife

37:52

eats a dashing used car salesman.

37:55

He's sensitive, a little mysterious, but he's

37:57

kind. Everything her husband's not. He

37:59

invites her. to join his bowling team. And

38:01

the lonely little Mrs. says, what's the harm? But

38:04

before they even get to frame five, he's

38:06

whispering the Communist manifesto in her ear. And

38:08

she realizes she's made a horrible, horrible mistake.

38:10

But she's in too deep now. She can't

38:12

tell her husband. He'd be furious. She can't

38:14

tell her friends she doesn't have any. And

38:17

so she gets drawn deeper and deeper

38:19

into his topsy-turvy world, and she's desperate

38:21

for a way out. Well,

38:24

here it is, Mrs. Trout, your way out. Well,

38:26

I'll just ask you, sir, what

38:29

would the Communist Manifesto sound like? How

38:31

would I know if I were hearing

38:33

it? It's a book written by Karl

38:36

Marx. And how would you know that if

38:38

you were to come missing? Well,

38:40

I have to research these things. And my job

38:42

as a law enforcement officer. And it weighs heavily

38:44

on my mind. Friedrich

38:46

Nietzsche says that, bet on with monsters, lest

38:50

ye become a monster. And that's, well, someone has

38:52

to watch out. Someone

38:55

has to watch out for the Reds. And that's what I'm doing. And

38:57

that's what I'm doing right now. And you're in a lot of trouble,

38:59

Missy. And he slides this piece of paper over. But I can get

39:01

you out of it. OK. And he shows

39:03

you a typed confession with your name on it.

39:06

Francis and Kamon Juan's names are noticeably

39:08

absent from this document. It's basically a

39:10

complete pack of lies. All

39:12

I need from you, Mrs. Trout, is to confirm

39:14

this story. And you're free to go. This

39:17

confession goes into a sealed file at FBI headquarters.

39:19

And you go back to your sweet and lonely

39:21

little life. Now, how does that sound? My

39:24

sweet and lonely little life. Well,

39:28

it is awful lonely. I'm

39:31

not sure I want to go back. I

39:35

feel renewed with my bowling

39:37

team. I feel like a new woman. I

39:40

feel like I've never felt my entire life

39:42

in the fact that you would just box

39:44

me up and put me back. I

39:47

don't think I would like that very much. But

39:50

I know that Tucker would sure be

39:52

disappointed. Oh my, what

39:54

a conundrum. Hmm. And

39:56

of course, I might miss my 2.5 beautiful

39:59

children. as well if I

40:01

were in jail, in prison, in

40:04

the lockup, down the river, yes. You

40:06

know that husband of yours, speaking

40:08

of Tucker, he's an interesting fellow.

40:10

Yes, I love hearing him talk.

40:13

I could hear him talk for hours.

40:15

I don't suppose it would interest you to know that

40:17

we have a file on Tucker here. You

40:20

do? Would that interest you to know about that? Oh,

40:23

I suppose. And he opens- I'd always

40:25

love to know more about Tucker. He

40:28

opens this huge filing cabinet and ripples through it

40:30

and pulls out this thick file and it says

40:32

Tucker Trout on it. Seems

40:34

your husband has been making some unusual

40:36

trips every Tuesday from 12 o'clock to

40:38

two o'clock p.m. That's right when you

40:40

have bowling practice, isn't it? Yes, of

40:42

course. Well, we have some

40:44

photos right here. I think you'd be very

40:46

interested to see. I know for my spouse

40:48

I'd wanna see them. And

40:51

they're, of course, yours to look at- Okay.

40:54

If you sign this document. Oh,

40:56

darn it. Oh,

40:58

no, it is so tempting to

41:00

wanna look at the photos. But

41:03

I just couldn't possibly tell this

41:06

horrendous lie. Oh,

41:10

Tucker. Tucker will be so disappointed

41:12

if I don't come home. In

41:14

fact, I feel compelled to go home to

41:16

Tucker. I feel like I don't know what

41:18

I'll do if I don't go home to

41:20

Tucker. Tucker doesn't have to know about

41:22

anything that happened tonight if you sign this

41:24

document. But here's the thing. Tucker

41:27

knows everything. He is

41:29

so smart. He's just the sharpest

41:31

knife in the drawer. And I

41:33

have many knives because I cut

41:36

many things, all food related, of

41:38

course. But the thing

41:40

is, I just don't feel

41:43

right signing it. So

41:46

he holds up the file with these photos in and

41:48

he puts a lighter up to him. Oh my goodness.

41:51

Last chance. You know, you know,

41:53

and I know that your husband is hiding

41:55

things from you. You know that

41:57

deep down it's driving you crazy. Two

46:00

coffees okay. Yeah, you bet hot hot.

46:02

She kind of like goes back behind

46:05

Sylvan like she's looking at you with these desperate eyes Okay

46:11

All right, mr. Collette. Why don't we start? Yes

46:15

state your name for the record, please

46:17

Antonio Colletta no no no your real

46:19

name Antonio Colletta It's

46:23

gonna be like that then okay. Well. No this

46:25

is my name. Let's say they call me Tony.

46:27

It's Italian, right? Yes, goddamn right

46:29

a ton ton proud of it. Okay. Well

46:32

not like the other Yeah,

46:34

that's right. Tony. He cleanse self-hating Italian.

46:36

Mr. Collette. Yes. Do you have a

46:38

cigarette see these files here? I do

46:40

now I want smoking I Want

46:44

smoke hit me up smoke

46:47

your own fine. Give me a lighter and I

46:50

won't I'm

46:52

here. I'm here to ask the question

46:55

sir. I'm not asking a question Like

46:57

give me a lighter light this up and

46:59

want some my teen Italians

47:02

they call it you know nicotine You

47:07

know back in the motherland we call this Most

47:15

daintily my friend You

47:18

see these files right I see the files Well,

47:20

I've got a file in every person in this

47:22

town Jesus Christ man Is that legal meticulous record-keeping

47:25

is something that they drill into you at the

47:27

Bureau, and that's just a little hobby of nerd

47:30

Fucking nerd oh yeah names

47:32

are pencil necks like you in the sports.

47:35

Here's my file on Tony Collette There's a

47:37

pulls out this file. How thick is it

47:39

dog is empty ah Completely

47:42

empty and he slams it down on

47:44

the table. I can't find For

47:46

as much looking as I do I can't

47:49

find a single solitary piece of information about

47:51

you Tony Collette no prior address

47:53

Medical records and a war service files

47:56

nothing check the IRS. I

47:58

checked the I pay my tax You're

48:00

telling me I've been paying my taxes and they don't have

48:02

any record of it? God damn, man, what have I been

48:04

doing? It's like you just popped into existence one day in

48:07

this town. How do you explain that? Your

48:09

record keeping sucks and we had a world war.

48:11

Jesus Christ, man, don't need to do your job

48:14

for you. Here's how I explain

48:16

it. I think Tony Collette is a

48:18

fabrication, a cipher, a ghost. Your

48:20

real name is probably scribbled down in some file in

48:22

the Kremlin. Let me guess, Ivan? What? Boris?

48:25

No. Dimitri? None

48:27

of these are Italian names. I've got this. You're a pinko. Your

48:30

comrades have already given you up. Trudy? I

48:32

highly doubt that. You fucking mean. Tell C,

48:34

they sang like canaries. They told me the

48:36

whole story. And sing all they want. I

48:38

bowled next to those women. And those women

48:40

that didn't say shit because they have nothing

48:42

to say. Look, pal, the only thing that's

48:44

gonna save you from the gas chamber is

48:46

if you give me a name, a handler,

48:48

a higher up, somebody in the organization, your

48:50

boss, I need somebody. I need blood on the

48:53

table and you're gonna give it to me or

48:55

you're gonna fry, you little pinko commie bastard. I'm

48:57

gonna laugh. This is what Tony Collett is thinking.

48:59

If he's walking in here and they have anything on

49:01

him, they would hit him with it. The fact that

49:04

he's telling him to sell people further up is like

49:06

Tony Collett recognizes a gish gal when he sees it.

49:08

He's like, I don't think they have anything on this

49:10

guy. They're kind of desperate. They're fishing. They're fishing for

49:12

information. So I want a role to see what that

49:14

would be. I'll give it to you as a no-roll.

49:16

Okay. If you want to see it,

49:19

it's like a street smart kind of. So edge you. Yeah,

49:21

yeah, yeah. Education, no-roll. Yeah, I was like, Tony Collett, school

49:23

of hard knocks. Give me a no-roll. I need to beat

49:25

a 60 and I got a 23. Okay,

49:27

so yes, you feel like he's

49:29

bluffing you. Mm-kay. And that he

49:31

doesn't have as much. He's overplaying his hand. I'll

49:33

give you a name, sure. Charlie

49:36

Baron with peanuts and popcorn. How

49:39

about Fuzzy Potts with my little sweetheart Daisy?

49:42

Oh, maybe it's Frankie Saluto and

49:44

his long-eared friend. Emmet Kelly

49:46

as Weary Willy, you can go punch rocks.

49:48

I got nothing for you. You're a tough

49:50

nut to crack, Mr. Collett, or

49:52

whatever your real name is. That's the real 60.

49:54

Mark my words. I'm gonna find out what

49:56

your deal is, Tony. Yes, the deal

49:58

I post every... a

52:00

man standing there. Oh no! He

52:03

didn't see him enter, but he's just

52:05

this weird guy, and he's just standing

52:08

in the corner. Is his face scary?

52:10

Can I roll to see if his

52:12

face is scary? Sure, go ahead. Wait,

52:15

will my world decide if his face is scary? Or

52:17

will everybody just see if

52:20

it's scary? Or has this been a preordained scary

52:22

face that we're only stumbling upon for the first time?

52:25

Hidden. Yeah, I passed. OK, so you get

52:27

a good look at this guy as he's

52:29

walking towards you. He's got this

52:31

immaculate black and white suit on. It's like

52:33

an older style. It seems like it's from

52:35

the 1920s or 30s, but

52:38

it looks brand new. He's a little on the

52:40

short side. His face is sunburned, is the

52:42

best way you can do it. It's

52:44

just got little bits of peeling, and it's

52:46

just sunburned. He has these bulging eyes, and

52:48

he just starts walking forward. He's wearing these

52:51

thick, solid shoes. And you know that sound

52:53

that your feet make in a shoe when

52:55

you've been in water and it squishes? He's

52:57

got squishy feet. So he's just squishing

53:00

as he walks towards you. Does he look familiar? You've never

53:02

seen this guy before in your life. And Shane looks at

53:04

me and says, who the hell are you? The

53:06

guy looks at me and says, my

53:09

name is Relishwet.

53:13

I am from the

53:15

powers that he. I

53:17

have a message from the

53:21

ones who watch. Well, there's their communist,

53:23

sir. Look. This looks like a communist,

53:25

right? Oh my god. Unload your weapon

53:27

into him. Unload your service

53:29

pistol immediately. Shut up. What are you from Langley,

53:31

pal? What do you want? And he walks up

53:33

to him, and he leans into Shane's ear, and

53:36

he starts to whisper something. And Shane, all

53:38

of the bluster and bravado, the color just

53:41

drains out of his face. Does he lose 40%

53:43

of his blood? He

53:46

looks like he lost 39% of his

53:48

blood. He's fucking terrified. Give me another

53:50

spot-hidden roll, everybody. OK, I'm going to do

53:52

that. 50, and I roll a 25. 22,

53:55

I barely pass. OK, great. Anthony, you can't hear us because you're

53:57

not here. Yeah, I know. Anthony, how do you

53:59

have it? And

58:00

this is the fucking biggest twist of the

58:02

episode. Kelsey feels

58:04

something under her bed. She's like, no.

58:09

Everything's coming up tonight. Francis

58:12

is hiding under this bed amidst the

58:14

still-gotten, plagiarized encyclopedias. What

58:16

a fucking headshot to my character.

58:19

That was fucking

58:21

good. Without missing

58:23

a beat. Wow. Jesus,

58:25

the best in the biz. Best in the biz. Did

58:27

you come at the king, you best not miss. So

58:30

once again, you hear this pounding on the door. And you

58:33

hear someone say, open up, Kelsey, or we're opening it up.

58:35

I think Francis' smartest move is just going to be stay

58:37

quiet and hide amongst the encyclopedias. OK, great. I

58:40

have to admit, these guys aren't interested in knowledge.

58:42

OK, so you hear splintering wood as a big,

58:44

meaty foot picks

58:52

this door down outside in the hallway.

58:55

Well, but that's like a 50s door. Yeah. It's

58:57

a 50s foot. Yeah, 50s foot, dude. It

58:59

was the back house. Feet were built different back then.

59:01

Feet were built different, baby. Oh, they were? Oh, man.

59:06

You hear two sets of footsteps.

59:08

Mid-journey 1950s, feet, bear, bear,

59:10

photo real, 1950s, 1950s

59:13

medium format Fuji film, 1950s, feet,

59:16

photo realistic, epic,

59:21

trending on our station, 1950s feet, close up, 1950s

59:24

feet, 1950s cakes, feet, close up, turning on our station. Oh,

59:30

shit. Oh, my God. That's going

59:32

to be set. That's going to be set

59:34

for fucking love to see your voice. Oh,

59:36

fuck. Someone's

59:41

going to actually put that in there and smash it in there, post it.

59:44

Hey, 50s feet fucking want to close up. I

59:46

love Lucy filter. So,

59:51

yeah, we're in this really scary. scene

1:00:00

and this guy kicks the door down

1:00:02

you hear two sets of big sexy

1:00:04

1950s feet stomping around

1:00:06

in the room next door oh no better not get

1:00:08

an erection now do I hear

1:00:10

you hear these kind of two voices the

1:00:12

big burly voice you heard before says all right

1:00:15

Sven cover the door while I look around

1:00:17

like John McLean I take out a pan and

1:00:19

write on my inside forums then then

1:00:22

you hear Spencer you got

1:00:24

it or I'll stand here

1:00:26

by the door and keep

1:00:28

a little glock out for

1:00:31

mrs. grammar all right T

1:00:33

parentheses H you

1:00:35

hear tor rooting around tossing shit over

1:00:37

looks like she's not here damn at

1:00:40

least that fucking kid Milton finally left we can

1:00:42

finally root around this place well I'll tell you

1:00:44

what I guess we'll just wait right here till

1:00:46

she gets home and then we'll beat the shit out

1:00:48

of her I can get her money hey what's

1:00:50

this you kind of hear him towards where that

1:00:52

closet was all of the money on the ground

1:00:55

says whoa whoa whoa Sven check this out what do we got

1:00:57

here what is it tour is it

1:00:59

something interesting over there I'll

1:01:02

say it looks like a big pile of small

1:01:04

bills on the ground and he's kneels down and

1:01:06

starts rooting through them and spends like wow was

1:01:08

it enough money for all of the gambling debts

1:01:11

she owes us tour and towards like

1:01:13

not hardly this barely covers the interest but what's she doing

1:01:15

with all this dough this is a it's a nice little

1:01:17

pile oh here we go and tour

1:01:19

picks up again you just hear him you can't

1:01:21

see him unless you're still under the bed right

1:01:24

or is flipping through it looks like she's

1:01:26

planning on buying a film strip projector for

1:01:28

the local kids at the school looks like

1:01:30

she's been scrimping

1:01:35

and saving huh that's a good teacher

1:01:37

right there everybody loves Kelsey it's that's

1:01:39

a good teachers a shame those kids

1:01:41

aren't gonna get to watch informative health

1:01:43

news reels and the like and learn

1:01:46

from the film strip technology that miss

1:01:48

Kelsey grammar has been scrimping and saving and boxing

1:01:50

the night away to save up because we'll have

1:01:52

to just root up all this money and take it and crush

1:01:54

her poor little dreams yeah I'm

1:02:03

12. I'm 12. I don't want to fight

1:02:05

two grown men. I don't care that much. I can go

1:02:09

see the pictures on the weekend. I'm

1:02:11

not dumb. I know I'm going to

1:02:13

get points I have. You

1:02:18

hear Tor stuffing this money in his pocket and he says, all right, I

1:02:20

guess we'll just wait here. And the second she gets in that door, Sven,

1:02:22

you and I are going to tune her up for the rest of this

1:02:24

money. We'll get it from her one way or another. And

1:02:27

if not, we'll teach her a lesson. No one in this town is

1:02:29

likely to forget in my mind. I think I've

1:02:31

been hiding for bullies for quite a long time.

1:02:33

So if anybody's going to outlast these guys, it's

1:02:35

me. I'll

1:02:37

stay here not taking action for as long

1:02:39

as it takes until they decide to

1:02:42

leave. So Francis, as you're a coward

1:02:44

under this bed with your, I don't

1:02:47

know if coward Thor's out here

1:02:50

as you're hiding under this bed, hearing

1:02:52

these two guys plot brutally assaulting your

1:02:54

favorite teacher in all of peachyville. You

1:02:57

have a flashback. You're

1:03:02

sitting on your bed. It's about a

1:03:04

year or two ago, back when I was on the

1:03:06

other side of this. You're holding the note in your

1:03:08

hands from the army, rejecting you for service. My

1:03:18

damn joints and your father,

1:03:20

Ed Farnsworth, World War II hero is consoling

1:03:22

you on the bed, not on the bed.

1:03:24

He's patting you on the shoulder. What

1:03:27

are you feeling in this moment? What was

1:03:29

going on? Bethany, I didn't

1:03:32

do shit. Why can't a father

1:03:34

not marry his son? What did

1:03:38

Francis feel in the moment? I was just endless shame.

1:03:40

He thought that there was something wrong with him and

1:03:42

that he will never be able to live up to

1:03:44

the figure of his father. Oh, so

1:03:47

Ed kind of puts his hand on your shoulder and

1:03:49

he says, look, Francis, I know that

1:03:51

this is really heartbreaking for you. I know this is a

1:03:53

really tough time for you right now with this and I'm

1:03:56

so sorry, kid. Did I ever tell you the story

1:03:58

on when you were born? No. He

1:04:00

says through tears. I

1:04:03

know a thing or two about setbacks in life. Before

1:04:06

the war, as we've canonically established, I was a ballet

1:04:08

dancer. I had the

1:04:10

lithe grace of Grace Kelly and the feet

1:04:12

of Fred Astaire. The feet, huh? The

1:04:15

feet, the 1930s feet, and if you think feet are great

1:04:17

now, you should do some research. Wait, wait, wait, can we

1:04:20

call this episode the agony of defeat?

1:04:22

I thought I was gonna be a movie star, I

1:04:25

thought all this great stuff was gonna happen for me, and then I got

1:04:28

called for service. I got

1:04:30

drafted, and you know, I took this bullet in the

1:04:32

leg in the war, and that ended everything. I

1:04:34

came back early before the GI Bill, I

1:04:37

had no prospects, I had no career to

1:04:39

fall back on, your mom was pregnant with

1:04:41

you, and I knew I had to do

1:04:43

something to provide for my family. And

1:04:45

I couldn't find a job, I couldn't find work.

1:04:47

The only place I could get a job was

1:04:49

at a soda-jerk shop. And

1:04:53

I tell you, kid, everything I

1:04:55

faced in that war, jumping out of planes,

1:04:57

crawling through ditches, fighting the Nazis, it was

1:04:59

all scary, but I was as never as

1:05:01

scared as I was that first day I

1:05:04

had to put on that uniform, that candy-striped

1:05:06

uniform, go to work with a bunch of

1:05:08

kids, half my age, I felt stupid, I

1:05:10

felt embarrassed, I felt ashamed of myself. I

1:05:12

used to be somebody, I used to have

1:05:15

this big career, but now I realize I

1:05:17

had to just dig down deep and do

1:05:19

something I didn't wanna do. And

1:05:21

I remember looking at myself in the mirror, and

1:05:23

your wife, your mom came up to me, and

1:05:25

she said, my wife. So

1:05:28

funny, that's such a- I trademarked that. Someday,

1:05:31

I hope that

1:05:34

you can understand that being a

1:05:36

hero, being a man, all that

1:05:38

stuff, it's not about the battles you fight, it's

1:05:41

about how you fight them, it's about how you

1:05:43

face them, it's about getting up and doing what's

1:05:45

right for the right reasons, no matter the cost,

1:05:47

no matter the outcome. You know, and that was

1:05:49

something I learned that day when I picked up

1:05:51

that ice cream scoop, and I got to work,

1:05:53

and I rebuilt my whole life, and it was

1:05:55

scary, and it was hard, but it's the proudest

1:05:58

thing I've ever done, is take life by the

1:06:00

horns, move- here to Peachyville, raise you, I

1:06:02

know it's no silver star, and you're starting

1:06:04

tomorrow at the jerk shop, and I just

1:06:06

wanted you to have this." And he hands

1:06:08

you his ice cream scoop. And

1:06:11

you flash back to this moment where

1:06:13

you're a coward under the bed, thinking about your dad

1:06:16

and how he said he'd always be proud of you

1:06:18

if you would ever just stand up and do the

1:06:20

right thing no matter the cost. And that that's what

1:06:22

true courage was. This is my moment! And he falls

1:06:24

asleep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

1:06:26

Yeah. Okay,

1:06:28

well that's Anthony's side of the story. Wait,

1:06:31

wait, wait, wait. You speak with a

1:06:33

nasally sound. Oh, yeah. Does falling a,

1:06:35

do you snore? Do you even know

1:06:37

what you need to know? How do

1:06:39

you snore, motherfucker? You

1:06:41

fucking destroy my character, we kill yours.

1:06:44

Roll if you snore. Roll luck. What's

1:06:46

your luck score? I

1:06:49

get an 84. Oh,

1:06:52

motherfucker! Silent sleeper.

1:06:55

Oh, wait, no, that's good. So you're saying? I barely beat it.

1:06:58

All right. I think he should roll. I

1:07:00

know, I want to make it fucking. I think he should

1:07:03

roll lesser luck. Does this feel like

1:07:05

a constitution roll to you guys? I mean, if you roll

1:07:07

luck, it's like, if you roll luck, it's even if you

1:07:09

snore. Just because we didn't get what we wanted. I'm also

1:07:11

the one who decided he went to sleep. Like, that's the

1:07:14

trick. Look deep in your soul and

1:07:16

then look deep in my eyes. And

1:07:18

tell me, tell me if Francis

1:07:21

is a snorer when he sleeps. You know

1:07:23

this character better than anybody. If you look

1:07:25

me in the eye and tell me that

1:07:27

he doesn't snore this nerdy little doofus, then

1:07:29

that's on you. Francis' entire life has been

1:07:31

about hiding from ridicule from

1:07:34

people who would jump on any opportunity to ridicule

1:07:36

him. So I think when he was younger and

1:07:39

he was out on a camping trip, he snored

1:07:41

really loudly for the first time. And

1:07:43

as a result, all of his campmates did a

1:07:45

full metal jacket on him and just beat him

1:07:47

with soap the next time he

1:07:49

fell asleep. And they beat the

1:07:52

snoring out of him. I think he just

1:07:54

doesn't snore anymore because he's so anxious of

1:07:56

the idea of making anybody uncomfortable even while

1:07:58

he's unconscious. Anthony,

1:08:00

Anthony, what does

1:08:03

Francis dream? That's

1:08:05

okay. Is

1:08:10

his mind beset by nightmares? Oh yeah,

1:08:12

constantly. Does he cry out in

1:08:14

his sleep like a babe for his mother?

1:08:16

No. Well, that's fantastic. Francis

1:08:19

falls asleep in dreams, dreams of shame and

1:08:21

regret underneath Kelsey's bed. And we flash, I

1:08:23

like that day, baby. He dreams like a

1:08:25

really weird, like he's like dressed as a

1:08:27

soldier behind the soda jerk and his dad

1:08:30

is a kid coming to ask for an ice cream. Yeah,

1:08:32

Anthony, it's our dream. Give me the weird

1:08:34

fucked up dream, Anthony. I don't think I

1:08:36

get control over the dream. If you want to give

1:08:38

me something fucked up and I can react to it.

1:08:40

I just did it. Okay, so yeah. So my dad

1:08:42

comes in asking for soda and I go to get

1:08:44

him some ice cream, but instead I'm holding the trophy

1:08:46

and I'm seeing my reflection in it. And I'm seeing

1:08:48

Bibi like disintegrate in the reflection of the trophy. Like

1:08:50

I couldn't save her somehow because we gave up the

1:08:52

wrong trophy. And like, I knew that was the wrong

1:08:55

thing to do. And then I hand

1:08:57

my dad the trophy full of ice cream.

1:08:59

And when I try to hand it to him, he's my mom.

1:09:02

And my mom is holding the severed head of the cop that

1:09:04

she killed in one hand and then a shotgun in the other.

1:09:06

And she goes, you should have done this. You should

1:09:08

have done this. And she hands me the shotgun and

1:09:10

I start to point it towards my head. And she

1:09:12

goes, no, that's not what I meant. You should be

1:09:14

killing people. And I go, okay, cool. And then I

1:09:16

kicked open the door of the soda jerk shop and

1:09:19

there are just like commies everywhere. And I go, I'm

1:09:21

gonna make you proud, dad. And I start mowing commies

1:09:23

down. I'm so fucking good looking. And

1:09:25

I take it over and I make it the greatest

1:09:27

power fantasy dream that has ever existed. I feel like

1:09:29

so fucking cool and awesome. And I realized I'm not

1:09:31

wearing any clothes. We need another role to see if

1:09:33

you wake up screaming or not dreams. Do you mind

1:09:35

me making a nightmare then? Okay, so we're saying

1:09:37

that it's like a, you wake up like

1:09:40

fucking singing the Star Spangled Banner. He's successfully

1:09:42

won the game. He fell asleep and he

1:09:44

does a storm. Sorry, I'm so much cooler.

1:09:46

Role playing than everybody is. All right, so

1:09:48

not to hit the knees dream. And he's

1:09:50

on our team, we should support this. We

1:09:52

do support this. We do support this. I

1:09:54

just wanna read a little bit more. I was a

1:09:57

kick ass dream about mowing down communists and looking good.

1:10:00

He fly back all

1:10:02

the way back to the present moment. Big

1:10:04

Shane looks at all of you with

1:10:06

dry parched lips. He takes a darting paranoid

1:10:09

glance back at Mr. Relish wet who's just

1:10:11

standing in the corner nodding now. I think

1:10:13

it's time we fucking leave. We can't support

1:10:16

in a prison. He looks at all of

1:10:18

you and says, you're free to go.

1:10:21

Good, very well, let's get the fuck out of here.

1:10:23

Wow, yes. Oh, is that our lawyer?

1:10:25

Milton, Mr. Frost. That was our

1:10:27

lawyer. Milton, good job, Milton. You're

1:10:31

free to go. And if anyone asks,

1:10:33

Officer Jenkins was killed in a hunting

1:10:35

accident. His hands are trembling

1:10:37

as he opens this door and just rattles the

1:10:40

cage open and says, OK, you can go. You

1:10:42

can go now. So what do you do? Please

1:10:44

just get out of there. So yeah, you all

1:10:46

walk by. Shane, you seem to go over to

1:10:48

the police dispatch radio and says, this is Sergeant

1:10:50

Shane Silva. Cancel the APB on Francis Farnsworth. Bebe

1:10:53

is thoroughly unnerved. She looks up at Shane and

1:10:55

flips him off a little bit and then walks

1:10:57

away. So we're at a police station though, right?

1:10:59

We'd be going through the front of the office

1:11:01

are the cops here? Is this an empty place?

1:11:03

What are we seeing on the way out? This

1:11:06

is the late, he's the night officer. So he

1:11:08

and Penny are basically the only ones here right

1:11:10

now. As we're walking out, can I cast about

1:11:12

the police office, looking at people's desks, the maximum

1:11:14

extent I can snoop in this police office? I

1:11:17

want to snoop. I want to look for

1:11:19

open files. I want to look for boards

1:11:21

with strings attached. What are they working on?

1:11:23

OK, are you doing this in the open?

1:11:26

Shane is still there. Shane and Penny are both here. By

1:11:29

the way, Penny is staring at you, Freddy. Yeah,

1:11:31

because we saw Mothman and we saw this seriously

1:11:33

weird shit going on. I feel like Tony Collettes

1:11:36

get his sixth sense. He's

1:11:38

hearing about commies and stuff like that. Tony needs

1:11:40

to get a little stay to play. He needs

1:11:42

to get some fucking elevation on the situation. Stealth

1:11:44

roll first. All right. 36,

1:11:47

not stealthy. So I want to just look

1:11:49

around in the open. OK, so Shane's like,

1:11:51

don't push it, pal. Don't push me tonight.

1:11:53

I'm just looking. I'm using my eyes. Wait,

1:11:56

OK, well, one second, sir. You brought us in

1:11:59

here for a murder. And then

1:12:01

you said you go okay You

1:12:03

have any other questions to ask that man over there

1:12:05

and you see mr. Wet just like staring at all

1:12:07

of you and smiling nodding up and down We remember

1:12:09

we should go talk to mr. Wet I really want

1:12:11

to know how that thing that he did he did

1:12:14

that it's true Wow, you're such a

1:12:16

crazy thing that we saw No,

1:12:20

how he did that I mean

1:12:22

I I suppose it would be okay

1:12:24

We all walk no not we all Tony Collette would

1:12:26

like to make a fucking roll to see if it

1:12:29

was a smart idea Not to talk to this wet

1:12:31

guy He was a smart idea

1:12:33

or not to talk to the wet guy. Yeah

1:12:38

You can't roll to the side of your ideas good I

1:12:42

think that you should

1:12:44

talk to mr. Webb

1:12:47

Trudy I think you're

1:12:49

the bravest I think

1:12:51

you should ask him

1:12:53

What how he did

1:12:56

the thing that we

1:12:58

all saw? Mr.

1:13:02

Wet walks outside Wait,

1:13:05

we're free we can walk outside Please

1:13:08

go Shane is like please go just get out.

1:13:10

Excuse me. Mr. Wet. See you All

1:13:15

right, you walk outside there's the cool

1:13:17

night air doesn't seem like there's a

1:13:19

person on the street and mr Wet

1:13:21

is just standing there under the moody

1:13:23

Edward Hopper ass a street light says

1:13:26

Yes Hi,

1:13:29

mr. Wet We

1:13:31

were just what I was just wondering.

1:13:33

Yes. My name is Trudy. I know

1:13:35

I know Trudy oh

1:13:39

Is he doing this? It's doing the thing doing the

1:13:41

thing Trudy Into

1:13:47

the other room Oh Trudy, why don't you just

1:13:49

tell mr. Wet puts a hand on your shoulder

1:13:51

and he offers you a peppermint. Oh No,

1:13:56

that seems like a bad idea that's a bad

1:13:58

idea I'm not going to take it This peppermint

1:14:01

no, but take you in time closes

1:14:06

his hand and The street light

1:14:08

above and flickers and then he's gone What

1:14:11

what the fuck oh my what the

1:14:13

week Jesus even crazier than our swing

1:14:17

How did that I've? Give me a fucking

1:14:19

1d3 sanity roll guys. Yeah, give me a

1:14:21

sanity check 34

1:14:24

I survived 49

1:14:29

on my 50 I succeed as well

1:14:34

But none of you we did see a guy burned

1:14:36

to death earlier had no problems with that You could

1:14:38

just told us you didn't see it before he was

1:14:40

talking But me and Tony both noticed that when he

1:14:43

was talking his mouth wasn't moving yes, it was quite

1:14:45

the act It's like a ventriloquist

1:14:47

Triloquist yes, oh that is so

1:14:50

charming bone chilling, but then he just disappeared

1:14:52

That's not what that was not yes. He's

1:14:54

a matter of magician not a lawyer.

1:14:56

Where's Milton with your lawyer? Right

1:14:58

here. I've been here the whole time Hi,

1:15:01

that was a weird guy that wasn't the lawyer.

1:15:03

Okay. I know I don't have never seen

1:15:05

him before in my life I don't know who that was he's

1:15:07

a pretty good lawyer though. He's got us all in there very

1:15:09

late go home, please Why don't you

1:15:12

come home with me? Why is an obscene we're

1:15:14

both going to the same place? It's not weird

1:15:16

It's not the same place. I live in my

1:15:18

own home behind you unlatches his tandem bicycle Oh,

1:15:20

I rode my tandem bicycle here, so I could

1:15:23

take you home along with my friends Milton so

1:15:25

I'll did piss off you little youth As

1:15:29

Milton is being weird Trudy

1:15:31

you see Tucker pulled up Here

1:15:35

he's going to take us home. I mean

1:15:38

me home. Yes My

1:15:40

bowling team oh Tuck

1:15:43

the strangest night has just happened to

1:15:45

me. Do you get another car? I

1:15:47

do okay, so he wordlessly drives off

1:15:50

into the night Second

1:15:55

Ride and you're set oh

1:16:00

For a bit. Okay, we'll all go together

1:16:02

and then Milton follows behind you on his

1:16:04

tandem bike with no one on the backseat.

1:16:06

Milton, you're going to need to run a

1:16:08

far distant rear guard. Back up like a

1:16:10

football field away. Okay, is this far enough?

1:16:12

One football field away. I've never played football

1:16:15

in the school of collect. And then he

1:16:17

stops and turns around and is like, Milton,

1:16:19

just don't be that kid.

1:16:22

Whoa. Milton's eyes

1:16:25

go like real wide. Yeah. I

1:16:27

just block eyes and go home. And I go, Milton,

1:16:29

you measure the length of a football field by the

1:16:31

football field we're standing next to. And he looks at

1:16:33

his football field next to you and he looks at

1:16:35

Kelsey glaring at him. You see it rolled on his

1:16:37

face and he pedals off into the night. Right. Hey,

1:16:40

as a teacher, he got to be tough, but I think the kid can do that. Kelsey,

1:16:42

Kelsey. Yeah. I would like

1:16:44

to commend you on the way you handled that petulant child. It's

1:16:47

a common thing, you know, when you're such a good

1:16:49

teacher, sometimes kids, you know, but Milton's a weird one,

1:16:51

especially since, you know, you need to beat it out

1:16:53

of him. Okay. Well, he is

1:16:55

my nephew. Yes, he's your ward. Wait. You

1:16:58

can beat it out of him even better. Well, I

1:17:00

would never beat him. So you would never strike a

1:17:02

child. No, I never said that. Of course I would

1:17:05

strike a child. If I needed to, but I would

1:17:07

never beat him. Oh yes. Well, you should strike his

1:17:09

weirdness out of him. I

1:17:12

find a good strong backhand across the face

1:17:14

of a child, a dresser that corrects all manner of

1:17:16

behavioral defects. Kelsey just nods and goes, okay. Well, good

1:17:18

night, Tony. I bet I can do your job. I'd

1:17:20

be a great teacher. After

1:17:24

seeing Milton go around the corner so he's

1:17:26

no longer like a teacher, then I guess

1:17:28

she's just going to walk home. That's my

1:17:31

stop. Bye, Tony. We jump

1:17:33

to a Ford Thunderbird as is

1:17:35

driving back down these dark streets

1:17:37

to your house, Trudy. These

1:17:39

streets are so dark. Tucker is just

1:17:41

like not saying anything. Okay. He's

1:17:44

just sitting there staring off at the distance. I

1:17:46

can tell that maybe you're upset

1:17:48

because I was in jail. He

1:17:53

pulls over. Trudy,

1:17:56

are you okay? Oh yes.

1:17:58

I feel 100%. I

1:18:01

feel swell you feel swell.

1:18:03

Okay, that's good. That's good. I

1:18:06

have questions You

1:18:08

have questions. I just

1:18:10

what kind of questions what kind of questions are coming up for you

1:18:12

dear well They

1:18:15

asked me so many questions about what

1:18:18

I wanted when I was being Interrogated

1:18:21

and and how how come I wouldn't

1:18:23

just sign a piece of paper to

1:18:25

put my friends in Jail

1:18:27

and walk free and I just felt

1:18:30

well, honey I love

1:18:32

you and only you but

1:18:34

sometimes I feel friendly feelings towards

1:18:36

other people Like I would

1:18:39

care about them and it

1:18:41

just seems so outside of our

1:18:43

family our traditional 2.5

1:18:45

children and you and me and our dog

1:18:48

dingle His

1:18:52

name is doodles yes

1:18:54

doodles of course it's

1:18:56

okay I had a feeling something like

1:18:58

this might happen and he puts a reassuring

1:19:00

hand on your shoulder Oh Trudy

1:19:03

now you can see he's kind of getting a little emotional It's

1:19:06

just we're gonna have to do some more work and we

1:19:08

might have to start over but it's gonna be okay And

1:19:10

he gives you a big hug Oh Tucker.

1:19:12

I love you I love

1:19:14

you too, and he slides a

1:19:16

screwdriver straight into the back of your neck and

1:19:18

turns it really tight. I knew it I

1:19:46

other mother fear me I the

1:19:50

Broken Sky All

1:19:53

I ever wanted was

1:19:55

to feed so ordinary

1:20:01

In a world that lies,

1:20:03

twisted in my mind and

1:20:06

now I'm gone All

1:20:11

that I can see is a

1:20:14

hole in the stars Swallowing

1:20:19

my dreams and making

1:20:21

them scars Too far,

1:20:23

too far away But

1:20:26

I'll stay today

1:20:56

And now I have the power to change and act And

1:21:00

always remember, we're going to see all

1:21:02

of us That came out to see

1:21:04

us. The sheer volume of excellent cosplay

1:21:06

fan art, bracelets, tea the tea cosplay

1:21:10

It was overwhelming. It was very cool to see

1:21:12

Beth Lascite, to perform music We hope

1:21:14

you had a great time out there. We had a blast And we're

1:21:16

looking forward to Europe now After all of the hours of sleep European

1:21:18

tour tickets though We're coming Later this

1:21:20

year Support season 3 of Dungeons and Dads

1:21:22

Directly at patreon.com/dungeonsanddads The

1:21:25

horny Star Wars There's a lot of stuff there

1:21:27

Check it out You'll also join the likes of

1:21:29

supporters like Kira Babiars Horace WowWow

1:21:31

Corey Wixom Sam Matos Ben

1:21:34

Su John Jake

1:21:36

Gibson Will Galvez Joseph D. Andrioni

1:21:38

Tatiana Magenta Raptor

1:21:41

Peter Lee Fiona Dowell Maddie

1:21:43

Elizabeth Leaf Caliber Alex Bradley

1:21:46

Matthew Helms And Pinto Gritarson That Patreon again Is

1:21:48

at patreon.com/Dungeons and Dads Keep an eye out for

1:21:50

stuff around our tour Showing up there soon Multimedia

1:21:52

delights For your consumption Our

1:21:54

website is dungeonsanddads.com Where you'll find all of our links As well as our

1:21:56

merch store We'll

1:22:00

see you then. All

1:22:31

that I can

1:22:33

see is a

1:22:36

hole in the

1:22:38

stars. Swallowing my

1:22:40

dreams and making

1:22:42

them scars. Too

1:22:50

far, too far

1:22:52

away, but I'll

1:22:55

stay today. I

1:23:03

was looking at my character sheet and we could

1:23:05

write Phobias and

1:23:07

Manias, and I

1:23:09

wrote Anacondas. I don't

1:23:12

remember writing this.